Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet Home Tim Jordan, M.D. “Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see.” ~ Neil Postman

It’s a time of transition in the Jordan house. And it reminds me of the lifelong connect-disconnect patterns that play out between parents and their children. My daughter, Kelly, got married at the end of May and the night before the wedding she returned home to spend her last night with us. In the past year, my wife and Kelly have spent a lot of time together planning all the details of her big day, and it has brought them closer than ever. And I can foresee this intensified connecting happening again when Kelly gets pregnant and delivers her first baby. This pattern of connection-disconnection started after Kelly was born; actually, the connections started in-utero and probably even prior as we dreamt about having children. And it kicked off reciprocal interactions that are still being played out today. Remember how important it was to get into a nice rhythm with your newborn. You’d look into their eyes and smile; they’d smile back and coo, which was your signal to keep engaging. If they frowned or turned away, they were telling us enough for now, and to honor their need for a break. Establishing this respectful rhythm in the first weeks and months was critical for bonding with your baby, learning to meet their needs and getting on their wavelength. It allowed them to feel safe, secure and loved. Many toddlers in the 3 – 5 year old range focus on one parent for awhile to the exclusion of the other parent. They only want Mommy to read them stories, or daddy to carry them to bed. They invest time and energy studying that parent as they learn about themselves. Gradeschoolers want you to walk them to the bus stop, until that fateful day when they beg you to let them go alone. They start wanting to go to friend’s houses more and more, and yet can’t wait for family movie nights to curl up on the couch together on a Friday night. You get the picture. Even college students like coming home for some home- cooked meals and the blessed security of familiar surroundings. Our youngest son, John, just graduated from Arizona State University, and he’s quite happy to be home for a month before an internship in Peru this summer. Our other son, TJ just returned from a 20 month adventure traveling to New Zealand, Australia, and S.E. Asia. And this road- weary world traveler is soaking up the old vibes of home, neighborhood, family and friends before he’s off in a month for his next adventure. For parents, it’s important to recognize this pattern and your children’s needs. It’s less about giving money, advice, and wisdom and more about just being there. Kids need to look at their parents and see reflected back “You’re OK; you’re doing fine; keep up the good work; you can do it.” That goes for 18 month olds toddling off to the next room as well as 28 year olds walking down the isle of matrimony. If you’ve respected their needs for times of connecting and times of disengagement over the years, then you’ve done your job of giving love and space when needed. You’ve really been letting go since those first weeks of life. And you have allowed your relationship with your children to grow closer even as it looks different. Yes, it’s a time of great transition in our home these days. The fun and noise and energy of having all three kids home for this short window of time is fulfilling. And I am comforted by the knowledge that even as they go off again soon, there will be many more times of connecting down the road.