Net-Moms : a New Place and a New Identity
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“Net-Moms”: A New Place and A New Identity Parenting Discussion Forums on the Internet in China Gan Wang
Discussion forums, also called Broadcasting Bulletin Boards (BBS), are an important means of sharing ideas, opinions and information on the Internet. Often specified in certain themes, they attracted people of similar minds. In the recent years, there have emerged some active parenting discussion forums on the Internet in China. Whether being professionals, white-collars, or home-makers, most of the participants of the discussion forums are young mothers with higher education and income to have access to the Internet. Through the discussion forums, they share information important to themselves and their children, exchange experiences in their new lives, make friends of similar minds, and organize various kinds of activities in real life. Ever since the emergence of the Internet, there have been discussions about the identity issues on the Internet. In previous face-to-face interactions, people infer others’ identities from clothes, body language, accent, or other cues. But on the Internet, many such cues can be easily hided or changed. Therefore, it would be difficult for people to guess others’ identities in conventional ways. In the earlier years of the Internet, the possibility of identity play in the virtual space was highlighted, exemplified by Peter Steiner’s popular cartoon: “On the Internet, nobody knows you are a dog.” (Steiner, 1993) Identities on the Internet were seen as malleable, with unlimited possibilities. But later commentators pointed out the danger of cutting off online identities from their offline context. Agre called our attention to “the Internet’s embedding in the social world”. He argues that “…so long as we focus on the limited areas of the Internet where people engage in fantasy play that is intentionally disconnected from their real-world identities, we miss how social and professional identities are continuous across several media, and how people use those several media to develop their identities in ways that carry over to other settings. Just as most people don’t define their activities in terms of computers, most people using Internet services are mainly concerned with the real-world matters to which their discussions and activities in the use of those services pertain.” (Agre, 1999)i[1] Between December 2000 and March 2002, I conducted my fieldwork in parenting discussion forums in China. Through the time, I found that the Internet could provide a place where people concerned with the “real-world matters” met and communicated. For many young mothers who surfed the parenting discussion forums everyday, the Internet offered not only information they needed, but also a place to belong to. Through networking and community building in the cyberspace, these young women were negotiating and producing their new identities: being new mothers in the wake of the revolutionary era and in the modern times. Focusing on parenting forums in China, this paper tries to answer the following questions: what kind of space is being made on the Internet by the parenting forum participants? In what way the Internet facilitates the forming and expression of their new identity? How does the on-going process of globalization interfere with the views of motherhood of this young generation of Chinese women? Are the social relationships in the virtual space copying the relationships in real life, or they are making any differences? What does it mean by “being in the center in a fast-changing world” while childrearing practices in Beijing are influenced by ways in New York, and in turn, are influencing ways in other provinces in China? “ Net-mom” is a word coined by the parenting website surfers themselves to designates those young mothers who frequent parenting websites either to maintain their babies’ homepages or participate in discussion forums, or do both. In Yaolan, the website this research is based upon, participants also address themselves as “Yaolan Moms”. In December 2000, I registered in Yaolan and became a “Yaolan Mom”. I made a baby’s homepage for my then 3-year-old son, and participated in discussions as a “net-mom”. From December 2000 to December 2002, I surfed Early Education Forum everyday, reading postings, reviewing different opinions, and sometimes participating in the discussions. I took my child to several offline gatherings organized by Yaolan website, and participated in many weekend outings organized by the net-moms. In this process, I met many net-moms, most from Beijing, but also some from other cities. I also met several young mothers during my trips out of Beijing. I interviewed key informants as well as sysops. At the same time, spending time with net-moms, exchanging ideas through the Internet as well as by phone, taking children on weekend and holiday outings, shopping and dining together without children, participating in life event celebrations as friends, I had the chance to understand the influence of the Internet in these women’s lives offline.ii[2]
The Construction of a Community Yaolan (
basic information about the baby: name, nickname, gender, blood type, birthday, birth weight, birth place, city, parents’ net-names; wishes for the baby from the parents; the newest activities of the baby; name story of the baby; birth story of the baby; baby’s photo album; baby’s family photos; baby’s works; baby’s diary; baby’s funny words; baby’s best friends; message board for the baby.
If a parent is willing to invest more time, she can put photos of the baby and the family on the homepage. She can also write articles on baby’s birth and naming, and keep a diary on baby’s development. Through browsing a child’s homepage, one can often gather background information of the family, such as the parents’ professions, education, residence, and values. There are designs on the children’s homepages that can enhance the social interactions among the participants. There is an area called “Baby’s Best Friends”, where one can gather links to other babies’ homepages. Using this function, with a click one can visit a friend’s baby’s homepage on Yaolan. Young mothers talk about Yaolan as if it is in real space. For example, Yaolan babies’ homepages are called “babies homes”, and the links in “Best Friends” area are “small sofas in the home”, because sofas are supposed to be occupied by visiting guests. After meeting someone interesting in the discussion forums or chat room, they exchange their babies’ “home addresses”, invite each other for a visit, and often remind each other to “set a little sofa for my baby in your home”. There is a message board in each baby’s “home”. It is polite to leave greeting and congratulation messages on your friends’ babies’ homes during the holiday seasons or when babies’ birthdays come. After examining the birth dates, mothers soon clarify the birth order and start to address each other’s babies as “elder brothers” or “little sisters”, as the Chinese etiquette requires. Some people also feel it important to leave thank-you notes or comforting messages when their friends have supported them in a debate or have been “attacked”. Yaolan mothers not only visit each other’s “home” on the web, they conduct conversations in the forums as if in real space. Frequent writers begin to know each other well. They exchange email addresses, or even phone numbers. After a vacation or business trip, some might come to the forum and greet people warmly with words such as “Long time no see. I miss all of you so much!” They also offer positive comments on each other’s babies or their own appearances. Many Yaolan mothers have a strong feeling of belonging to the Yaolan community. In messages and articles reminiscing Yaolan experiences, many Yaolan mothers admit that they visit Yaolan discussion forums almost everyday. This is confirmed by an online poll conducted by Yaolan, in which more than half of the people investigated stated that they surfed Yaolan everyday. Yaolan BBS or their babies’ homepages are set as the first page of the Internet browsers on many computers. It becomes a morning ritual for many Yaolan mothers to browse the forums after they turn on the computers in their offices, although they might not have enough time to write messages until lunch time. For those who work in less disciplined offices, they often keep the forum page open and refresh it now and then. Although stay-at-home mothers are growing in numbers, it is still not a prevailing phenomenon in China. In my impression, there are more working mothers in the discussion forums. Most of them work with computers during the daytime. Lawyers, computer engineers, teachers, and accountants are common professions. The obsession with Yaolan becomes a problem for many professional women working in the offices. One woman suggested in the forum that Yaolan have two kinds of backgrounds for its discussion forums, one pink as the current background for stay-at-home mothers, the other grayish, for working mothers so their boss would not notice that they were browsing a parenting website! After the born of the children, many working women express their wish to be with their young children at home for the first several years. As one young mother noted in the forum: “…now we only have one child, and all parents hope their children will have a good environment to grow up. But both parents have to go to work. Except for eating together and talking for a little while, children are mostly taken care of by grandparents or even nannies. When the mom goes out, baby doesn’t want her to go, and mom doesn’t want to go either. But we have to work. It would be wonderful if mothers can be with their children for the first two or three years.. That’s the wish of both the mothers and the children. But the current social conditions do not allow such practice. First, fathers cannot get double payment to allow mothers stay at home. Secondly, there are no such laws to protect mothers without economic independence.” iv[4] Missing their children at home but confined in the office, these young mothers “talk” to other women in similar situation in the virtual space, “visit” each other’s “homes”, and admire each other’s babies. While the office is identified as the place of work, the Internet is associated with their new identity: young mothers.
The Construction of an Identity Every registered user in Yaolan discussion forums has a net-name. There were a few who used their own real English names, if they have one, or Chinese names in pinyin. Some others made up new names. But the most common format of the net-names for Yaolan mothers are “so-and-so’(child’s nickname)s mom”. Many young women who meet on the Internet do not quite remember each other’s real names, while some others prefer the net-names even if they remember the real names. They explain that the net- names make them feel “more amiable” and “closer”. When Yaolan mothers meet each other, the first sentence they say to each other would be:” Whose mom are you, please?” It also happened, more than once, that when one woman called another net-mom in her office, she couldn’t say her real name, but had to describe the latter’s baby’s name and age to her colleagues in order to locate the mother. Addressing a woman as the mother of her child is a custom considered “old fashioned”. During the revolutionary campaigns of women’s liberation, it was emphasized that women were oppressed so much that they even did not have their own names. While peasants still address women as somebody’s wife or somebody’s mother in the countryside, it is impolite to address a prestigious woman (for example, a woman teacher) this way. Then, why do so many highly educated young mothers prefer such “old fashioned” titles? CV-Mom, an enthusiastic Yaolan mother, explained in her interview with Yaolan that being a mother helped her find “the real feelings of being a woman”. JE-Mom, another young woman active in Yaolan discussion forums, gave up her position and promotion opportunities in the overseas branch of her company and returned to Beijing because of her baby. She believed that being a good mother is as important as a successful career. In the present, her young baby is more important than her career. CV-Mom and JE-Mom represent some highly educated young women who begin to contemplate over motherhood. In a series of political campaigns after the CCP came to power, motherhood and private life were considerably undermined and subdued to a political party/state. After the Maoist era, things began to change. Some women choose to stay at home after their babies are born, if the fathers’ income can support the families. Although stay-at-home mothers are still not too prevalent, in some people’s minds, they become a status symbol. Whether staying at home or working in offices, many Yaolan mothers celebrate their motherhood in the cyber space, although their chorus is not always in harmony. The new identity is being negotiated and produced in the cyberspace. Happy motherhood. Some young women in Yaolan believe that it is no longer fashionable to boast of the bitterness of motherhood. Their opinion is revealed by the titles of the postings in the forums: “Mothering is An Easy Thing” or “Mothering is A Kind of Spirit”. One net-mom wrote in her posting: “After my daughter was born, it seems to me that I’ve found my source of joy finally. Loving my daughter is not a burden but my happiness and enjoyment. People always ask me whether I feel exhausted raising the child. I always reply that you should ask me whether I feel happy raising the child. Many young mothers around me cannot understand why I do not feel exhausted and why I am so happy…. I like Yaolan, because there are many mothers here who, just like me, regard child-rearing as happiness, instead of a burden!” v[5] Some net-moms state clearly that their highlight of the happiness of motherhood is the reaction against the traditional emphasis on the bitterness of motherhood. At the same time, some people also realize that over-romanticizing child-rearing ignores the differences induced by education, class and income. Significance of mothering. Some young mothers regard mothering as no less important than careers, especially in the earlier years of children. Many emphasize their sacrifice in the profession in favor of their children’s development. They make the sacrifice not because of pressures from family or friends. To the contrary, highly educated women face pressures and misunderstandings when they give up professional development, even temporarily, in favor of their young children. In facing these pressures, these young women celebrate their modernity and independent thinking, and find support in Yaolan. JE-Mom told me about her experiences after she decided to give up her overseas position. She said: “My supervisor cannot understand me. He always reminds me that I graduated from one of the top schools in China, and shouldn’t shame my school in giving up my future. This really makes me feel disheartened in my office. But after I met some net-mom friends through the Internet, I found that there are many top school graduates who share my thoughts. Now I can raise my head and walk in the office. I am as happy as an underground party member finally found her organization!” Seeking the balance between profession and mothering. Although many young mothers wish to spend more time with their children, most of them have to remain in the office. They justify their choice by the argument that with rational and clever planning, professional women can still make great mothers through quality time. There are advices on how to find more time to accompany children during meal time, sleeping time, and bathing time. Some mothers drive their children to school in order to talk on the way, instead of sending them to school bus. There are others who often travel with their children. Many hire house helpers to do the housework in order to spend more time with children. They also encourage other working mothers not to feel guilty, because “to raise a healthy child, the amount of time spent with the child is not the most important thing. The most important thing is to have a happy, peaceful, serene, and confident mother.”vi[6] Affectionate parent-child relationship. Some new mothers hesitate to show affection toward their children because they worry that would spoil the children. But some others believe that loving parents would benefit the development of young children. They also discuss the attachment children have toward parents, especially mothers. One mother suggested that over-attachment revealed that the emotional needs of the child were not met by the parents. This view made many forum participants to contemplate over their own experiences. Mothering as a learning process and life enrichment. Some assert that reading and sharing more about early childhood development is a great way to help the children and be great mothers. Many also emphasize that being mothers provide them opportunities to develop themselves further, to study more things, and to meet new friends of the similar minds on the Internet. Some amateur writers suddenly find a place where they have enthusiastic readers of their works. Yaolan mothers are never stingy in giving lavish praises to someone who write about feelings they share. Popular messages are selected and marked as "the best messages" and kept on the website. Some are also published by the Yaolan magazine on the website, and the writers are very proud of their electronic publication, especially when their professions have little to do with writing. Parenting magazines and television programs search for good writers, stories, and good ideas in the parenting websites. At least one Yaolan mother already published a book based on her postings on Yaolan.
Breastfeeding: New York, Beijing and Small Town Internet as a technology facilitates interaction among people who would otherwise have little chance to meet and communicate on issues as personal as childrearing. In Yaolan, the most popular net-moms are those who put in time and energy to share with others their professional knowledge (such as medical doctors) or experiences (such as mothers of older kids). Their postings are read by more people and welcomed by more replying postings. These popular net-moms often live in big, modern cities, such as Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou and Shenzhen. Some informants believe that the easy access to information and more diversity and experimentation in early childhood education enable the net-moms living in these cities to contribute more to the discussion forums. One informant also pointed out that in those big cities there were more net-moms and more off-line activities, therefore stronger networks among the net-moms. The familiarity among the net-moms encourages greater contribution and participation. As the biggest Chinese parenting website, Yaolan attract some young mothers who have overseas experiences and enjoy sharing their experiences with other Chinese mothers. They bring new information to readers geographically dispersed. For the first time, many young women hear about the culturally different ways of postpartum care, childrearing, and many new concepts in early childhood education. Internet complements traditional channels of information flow. As one mother put it: “I read in translated books about Western ways of childrearing, but it’s much more impressive to hear somebody telling you her own personal experiences, often in a Chinese perspective. And you can ask questions!” Many young women said that when they learned new concepts from the discussion forums, they asked for references, and found the books for further reading. For example, in discussions on Montessori education, on cultivating young children’s financial awareness, or on physical punishment, Yaolan mothers distributed book titles on the forums, and then discussed the contents.. The western often represents modernity and cultural capital. It is noticeable that the western ways are often described as more "scientific", humanistic, and therefore, right ways. For example, in the debates on natural birth versus C-section, or on breastfeeding versus bottle feeding, foreign doctors (whether German, American or French) were quoted as persuasive evidence. Successful examples from abroad -- foreign colleagues, Chinese young mothers who have lived abroad - were also mentioned. In a debate on breastfeeding versus bottle feeding, both sides sought support from the west. The breastfeeding promoter, WW, a Chinese woman with American citizenship, cited La Leche brochure and talked about her foreign friend’s surprise over Chinese women’s unwillingness to breastfeed. Her argument was widely accepted by Yaolan mothers until one day, a bottle feeding supporter argued that it was no longer fashionable in the US to breastfeed the babies. Her evidence was that nursing in public was ridiculed in an American sitecom. Several days later, in a lunch meeting of some Yaolan mothers, WW was asked by several Yaolan mothers about the sitcom. She briefly described the sitcom and assured the others that the certain sitcom ridiculed almost everything. The next day, another Yaolan mother, WW’s friend, posted a message in the discussion forum to support WW. Having given birth in the US, she used her own experiences to confirm that nursing in public was promoted and practiced by middle-class women in the US. However, the use of the western has to be tactful. Generously spending time and energy promoting breastfeeding on Yaolan, WW had been respected by many Yaolan mothers. But a later message brought her trouble. In the message, she criticized those Chinese doctors who made a profit in helping baby formula companies sell their products in hospitals. She was not cautious enough in her wording when she said "The conscience of the Chinese doctors is eaten by the dogs!” And she criticized Chinese hospitals for not providing necessary information. Her generalization offended some Yaolan mothers who started to criticize WW. One wrote:" What WW said is not true. I gave birth in Beijing and the doctors did persuade me to breastfeed. Although what you described might be true in some small cities and remote areas, breastfeeding IS being promoted in the good hospitals in big cities!" Another mother criticized WW as “regarding all Chinese mothers as so ignorant!”vii[7] They agreed on WW’s goodwill, but expressed dissatisfaction with her tone when she talked about the west, and her undifferentiated use of “China”.
Internet and Motherhood As more and more people have access to the Internet, there are pessimistic views about its impact on our social life. According to Victor Nee, the more time the Americans invested in online interactions, the less time they spent with their families and friends. Therefore, the Internet has detrimental impact on people’s social life.viii[8] However, the parenting discussion forums provide a case with contrary evidence. The communities built by forum participants in the virtual space not only promote interactions online, but also improve interactions offline in real space. Starting from sharing information online, many forum participants develop long-term and strong relationships among themselves through both online communication and offline social activities. With the one-child policy and the popularization of nuclear families in the urban areas, first-time mothers often feel isolated during a time when they need to share experiences and seek support. The Internet discussion forums become a place where geographically dispersed young parents can get together at times and locations convenient to them. For them, the Internet is a gathering space. For young mothers, the Internet also provides a place where they negotiate and construct their new identities, after the private life had been subjugated for several decades. In 1950s, women were motivated to go out of their homes and work in public arena. In later political propagations, women were considered as worthy as men when they could do same things as men. Motherhood was rarely mentioned except when it was subordinated to the revolutionary cause. Things began to change at the turn of the century. More significance has been attributed to the early years of childhood in children’s development. The economic situation of many families can afford the arrangement of one parent staying at home. In the early years of the 21st century, many young women begin to contemplate whether they deserve same respect even if they do things different from men. Sitting in the office as but “talking” about childrearing with other net-mom friends online, they identify themselves not only as career women, but also as mothers. They air their grievances in the difficult task of balancing work and life, share information and experiences, and encourage one another with examples from other places. As some parents actively experiment with some new childrearing practice from the outside, they also seek confirmation and support from other parents on the Internet. People who are living abroad or have overseas experiences become references for them in their pioneering experiments. Montessori education, Orff music education, and other thoughts from the outside are communicated and debated in the discussion forums. Locating in China but absorbing ideas from the outside, these young women identify themselves as modern and scientific-minded parents.
Bibliography Phil Agre, 1999, Life after Cyberspace. EASST Review 18:3-5.
Jodi O’Brien 在 Writing in the Body:Gender (Re)Production in Online Interaction, in Communities in Cyberspace, ed. M. Smith, P. Kollock, pp. 76-106. Routledge.
Byron Burkhalter, 1999. Reading Race Online: Discovering Racial Identity in Usenet Discussions, in Communities in Cyberspace, ed. M. Smith, P. Kollock, pp. 60-75. Routledge.
A. Escobar, 1994, Welcome to Cyberia: Notes on the Anthropology of Cyberculture. Current Anthropology, 35: 211-32.
Peter Steiner, “On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog.” New Yorker, July 5, 1993.
Sherry Turkle, 1995, Life on the Screen: Identity in the Age of the Internet. New York: Simon & Schuster. i[1] For other studies on internet and identity, see Jodi O’Brien 在 Writing in the Body:Gender (Re)Production in Online Interaction, in Communities in Cyberspace, ed. M. Smith, P. Kollock, pp. 76-106. Routledge; Byron Burkhalter, 1999. Reading Race Online: Discovering Racial Identity in Usenet Discussions, in Communities in Cyberspace, ed. M. Smith, P. Kollock, pp. 60-75. Routledge; A. Escobar, 1994, Welcome to Cyberia: Notes on the Anthropology of Cyberculture. Current Anthropology, 35: 211-32; and Sherry Turkle, 1995, Life on the Screen: Identity in the Age of the Internet. New York: Simon & Schuster. ii[2] In this paper, all names and net-names are pseudonyms, where I try to keep the original format when the real name is XX-Mom. When both oral interview and Internet postings are available to verify an informant’s opinion, I use the Internet postings instead of interview. The quotes from discussion forum postings have filing codes in the endnote. iii[3] All communications are in Chinese, and the translations are mine. iv[4] ID6SY. v[5] ID1PPM. vi[6] ID3QQ. vii[7] BF2. viii[8] http://www.stanford.edu/group/siqss/Press_Release/internetStudy.html。