Too Early in the Morning to Move

THE WORLD OF THE WIDOWER by Carol Botwin

On a recent trip to the supermarket, while dashing through the pasta section, I was stopped in my tracks by a timid tap on my arm. I found myself looking into the sad eyes of a gray-haired gentleman. "Please, miss," he asked. "Can you tell me which brand of spaghetti is best?" He was one of many such bewildered men I have encountered in the shopping trips over the years. They want to know, "Is this cantaloupe ripe?" "Will the milk keep until Friday?" These men were all widowers, lost in the world of the supermarket because their wives previously did all the cooking!

The new widower learns gradually by trial-and-error, asking questions, unless the attitude that shopping and cooking aren't "man's work" keeps these chores seeming more burdensome or mysterious than they really are. He may make a mistake with an unripe pineapple or boil over a few pots, but such errors won't have serious consequences. That's not true of other kinds of errors common to widowers.

The first mistake men make is to underestimate their emotional reaction to death. Most men expect sorrow or loneliness but few are prepared for the guilt, anger and denial that are also part of the mourning process. Denial is the first thing one feels ("She can't really be gone!"), followed by a period that takes most widowers by surprise. They become angry at the departed spouse ("How could she do this to me? How could she leave me alone?") And, throughout, there is guilt. A man may feel he should have done more for his wife while she was alive, that he should have taken her initial complaints about not feeling well more seriously, or that he should have gotten different or better medical help.

In general, it takes a full year to go through all of this and come out the other end, ready for a new life, but many men make the mistake of throwing in the crying towel much sooner. Many men, after just a few months, stop talking about their wife, put away photos, change furniture around, start socializing and, in general, present a more cheerful aspect to the world. They do this either because their relatives are urging them not to brood so much, or because they feel they should make a manly effort to pull themselves together. But they deny to those around them, and more importantly, to themselves, just how raw they still feel. To outsiders, these men seem to be getting better, but in reality things are worse.

The widower, by creating silence about his wife and obliterating her traces, falls prey to a new wave of guilt. Externally, he may seem to have recovered but inwardly he is saying to himself, "After 35 years of being together, how could I forget her so quickly?" And he starts grieving over her even more – but now in secret only.

Too Early in the Morning to Move Forced gaiety and repressing the memory of a dead wife will only create psychological problems and prolong the mourning period. The widower should not allow himself to be pressured by others to put away the past and start a new life before the year of mourning is up.

The only exception to this is the man whose wife has died after a prolonged serious illness. His mourning will have begun while the wife was suffering and will, therefore, end much quicker after her death. Relatives who were not aware of the illness much before the death may resent the BrvMailings/Doc 18 (8 mo) 1 short official mourning period. One man who didn't tell his daughter, who was starting a career in another city, about her mother's many months of illness, shocked her when he married another woman six months after the funeral. She didn't understand that he had passed a year before that crying alone, while his wife gradually declined.

Of course, some widowers are shocked by what seems to them callous behavior on the part of children who still live at home. Daughters who start dating again a few months after a mother's death are often criticized. Even outbursts of young people's natural high spirits may cause displeasure. One woman recalls that when she laughed at a cousin's joke three weeks after her mother's death, her father told her she should be ashamed of herself.

Some fathers expect a daughter to take over where the wife left off. They expect her to run the household and be the father's confidante now that his wife is gone. Even children in their teens are not ready for such an emotional burden, nor should they be. They'll either secretly resent it or openly rebel.

Reversing Roles Other grown-up children start to reverse roles with their father. "Mommy's dead, now we'll take care of you." is their message and they start treating the old man like a helpless infant. Widowers should resist too much help from adult children. It will keep them from achieving competence in their new role as men alone.

When the widower is over his grief and ready to date again, he may run into the problem of over- idealization of the departed wife. He remembers only the good things about her and blocks out the bad. No flesh-and-blood woman can compare to such a scrubbed-up ghost. "I just can't compare with your dead wife," explained one woman who left a widower after seeing him a year.

When a man has been faithful for many years, he may be shy and worried about his abilities as a lover with a new woman, especially in our sexually liberated age when he feels he may be compared to other men. Most faithful husbands feel more comfortable starting a new sex life with someone they have known for a while rather than a pickup or someone for whom this will be merely a sexual encounter. The pressure to perform that occurs when it is only for sex is alleviated in a caring relationship.

Many church groups, synagogues, and Y's around the country now sponsor groups for widows and widowers. Look for them. They'll help you meet new people and give you the chance to share the problems that naturally occur when you have to exchange comfortable "togetherness" for a life alone.

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