Scene 1 Inside Tomb
Total Page：16
File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb
Mummy Returns Again Musical Script Version 1
Song Mummy Returns Again (Better the Devil You Know – Kylie)
Act 1
Scene 1 Front of Curtain (Stage is darkened. A single spotlight highlights a single shady character in front of house curtain. He’s looking nervously around as if expecting a visitor to arrive soon. Another shady character enters and walks to his spot. They exchange secret passwords.)
Sam: Cows like to dance on Thursdays.
Dean: While a duck prefers to knit.
Sam: Dolphins don’t wear sunglasses.
Dean: And my uncle is a twit.
Sam: Show me the secret sign.
Dean: Which secret sign?
Sam: The secret sign of our secret society that is so secret that only a select few secret agents know it.
Dean: Oh, that secret sign. Check this out! (He does a long and complicated routine)
Sam: Is that the sign? I’ve never seen it before.
Dean: I just made that up.
Sam: Very impressive for a secret agent.
Dean: Which secret society do you belong to?
Sam: The same as you of course.
Dean: The same as me of course. That being …
Sam: The Secret Society of the Mummy! [sfx dramatic music - 2]
Dean: I thought you were with the “I Love My Mummy Secret Society”.
Sam: No, they’re meeting around the corner. Dean/Sam: (Shouting to offstage) Splitters!
Sam: The time is drawing closer.
Dean: Yes indeed. What time?
Sam: The time when …[sfx dramatic music - 2] the Mummy Returns Again!
Dean: I saw that DVD last year. All those desert scenes, the bad acting, not to mention the awful costumes…
Sam: No! Doctor Halfasleep, the famous eccentric millionaire has collected a highly skilled team to find the tomb of King Neverbeenanygood.
Dean: When are they expected to find it?
Sam: Let me think. Today is (Wednesday). They flew in on Monday. It takes three hours to drive from the airport to the Valley of Kings by camel. The walk from the car park to the tomb would be about three hundred metres so I estimate they should be there around about … now!
(Secret agents leave as curtain opens to reveal our explorers in front of the tomb)
Scene 2 Outside of Tomb
Bones: Can you believe it Doctor? After 12 years of searching we are finally standing outside the burial chamber of one of Egypt’s least known Pharaohs – Neverbeenanygood.
Halfasleep: It is hard to believe that he has eluded one of the museum’s finest archaeologists for such a long time.
Bones: Who?
Halfasleep: Why you of course!
Hardback: Might have helped if you had left the Museum earlier.
Bones: That Museum can be a fiendishly tricky maze to negotiate.
Hardback: I thought you’d never find your way out of the souvenir shop.
Bones: Let’s not dwell in the past.
Hardback: (To audience) Took him 10 years to find the EXIT. Bones: I have now made a discovery that will go down in history…
Crumpet: Who made the discovery? (Entering with guns drawn)
Bones: Ah … Ms Lara Crumpet. Your reputation precedes you.
Hardback: As does your oversized novelty push-up bra. Is she part of the team?
Halfasleep: I’m sorry. (Hardback screams) I’m terrible at introductions. Ms Patricia Hardback is a librarian who specializes in Egyptian mythology. She also has a rather unusual medical condition where she screams every time someone apologizes.
Bones: Sorry to hear about that. (She screams again)
Halfasleep: As demonstrated. (Turning back to Lara Crumpet) Ms Crumpet has been watching our backs since this expedition first began.
Crumpet: We would have met sooner had you not spent two weeks wandering around that shopping centre.
Bones: Hey, I don’t think there’s anyone here who can honestly say that they’ve never walked out of a mall and forgotten where they parked the camel.
Crumpet: You spent two days trapped in the frozen food section.
Bones: Those chickens looked exactly the same. It was very confusing.
(Willy Waffler enters with two Egyptian workers carrying digging equipment)
Waffler: Sorry we’re late. (Hardback screams and the workers drop their equipment)
Halfasleep: Never mind her. This is Doctor Willy Waffler who is a renowned linguist. He speaks fluent Egyptian and is a handy third drop.
Crumpet: So is this our entire party or are there more surprises to come?
Halfasleep: This is it. Now who volunteers to be the first to enter the tomb?
Hardback: Doctor?
(All three doctors reply – Yes)
Crumpet: Chicken…
Hardback: (Pointing at Dr Bones) Jones. Bones: While I welcome your gracious invitation I must regretfully decline as I have something in my eye which has temporarily rendered me incapacitated.
Crumpet: What’d he say?
Waffler: He’s chicken.
Bones: You wouldn’t want someone who can’t see properly stumbling around inside a previously undisturbed archaeological site now would you?
Fazal: Aboo bakar chook chook.
Halfasleep: What did he say?
Waffler: He recommends that Doctor Jones go and see a real doctor before his eye problem becomes serious.
Bones: Nonsense! I don’t need to see a doctor. Doctors are for woosies and girls.
Crumpet: What about yourself Doctor Halfasleep? You are the one who financed this expedition. Don’t you want to be credited with the discovery?
Halfasleep: Yes of course I would. But I’m not as young as I used to be. What with my bad back, shot knees, old shrapnel in the buttocks …
Crumpet: Enough excuses, I’ll do it! Stand back! (She draws her weapons and stands directly in front of opening/doorway)
Waffler: Wait! I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Crumpet: Why not?
Hardback: There’s a warning over the entrance to the tomb. (He starts fingering through a book)
Crumpet: What does it say?
Waffler: (He scribbles on a piece of paper) I have completed the translation using my hieroglyphics book. (He hands paper to Doctor Halfasleep)
Halfasleep: It’s a curse! [sfx Dramatic Music - 2]
Mahmood: Faloojah ramses pingy off time. (The two Egyptian workers drop their shovels and run away) Halfasleep: What did they say?
Waffler: They’re just going to check with their insurance providers to see if they are covered for accidental death by curse. (Doctor Bones re-enters with a patch over one eye)
Bones: Now we’re in trouble. You always need incidental characters like those two guys just in case you run into any booby traps.
Crumpet: If there are any booby traps then you’re bound to find them.
Bones: You can talk. You’re Queen of the … (Pausing to look at Crumpet’s oversized bosom) traps!
Hardback: Enough fighting! Doctor what does the curse say?
Halfasleep: Greetings at the gravesite. The spare key is under the pot-plant. Lock up when you are finished. P.S. Whoever enters will be hunted by the Dummy.
Hardback: Can you read that again, that last bit didn’t make sense.
Waffler: I forgot to tell you Doctor that I have a very rare condition where I replace words starting with M with a D instead.
Halfasleep: That’s easily fixed. So it’s not the Dummy who will track us down - it’s the Mummy!
Crumpet: The Mummy.
Waffler: The Dummy.
Hardcover: The Mummy.
Bones: Oh mummy! (Hides behind Hardcover)
Halfasleep: So it’s the old curse of the Mummy trick. I’ve seen this many, many times before and it meant absolutely nothing. This was written thousands of years ago to scare small minded people.
Crumpet: (Pointing at Jones) It’s still working.
Hardcover: I read this book where the people who entered the tomb were tracked down one by one by the Mummy who returned from the dead.
Halfasleep: Don’t believe everything you read. This is a (your school’s name) musical. Nothing can go wrong. (Everyone looks around worriedly) Waffler: Then let’s tackle this dystery!
Halfasleep: Quite. We enter in the name of science.
Everyone: Science!
Hardcover: Let’s hope the Mummy liked his chemistry teacher.
(All enter the tomb)
Scene 3
Halfasleep: The tomb of Neverbeenanygood. What secrets will you reveal to us?
Bones: What sculptures.
Crumpet: What treasures.
Waffler: What dagnificence.
Hardback: What a mess! (Starts dusting)
(Halfasleep drags Jones to front of stage away from the others)
Halfasleep: Don’t forget Doctor what we really came here to find.
Bones: Exactly. (Walks away before returning again) What did we come here to find?
Halfasleep: (Whispering) The relic.
Bones: The relic! (Halfasleep shooshes Bones)
Hardback: Hey. If anyone’s going to do any shooshing around here, it’s the librarian. Understand?
Halfasleep: Yes, of course. It’s your thing.
(Hardback gives Jones a really big shoosh)
Bones: Sorry. (Hardcover screams then shooshes herself)
Crumpet: Time to come clean Doctor. What are you really looking for?
Halfasleep: Someone’s who kind, considerate and can make a decent cup of tea. Crumpet: Not in a girlfriend, in this tomb.
Halfasleep: We are all here to support the museum. We’re not treasure seeking pirates. Our goal is to educate the world about the ancient Egyptian civilization.
Waffler: You expect us to believe that you funded this expedition out of the kindness of your heart and expect nothing in return?
Halfasleep: That is correct. I ask for nothing (pause) except perhaps some small trinket. Nothing of value, a keepsake, a memento…
Crumpet: (Suspiciously) A keepsake.
Waffler: A simple dedento.
Halfasleep: Leave that for me to find. Why don’t we split up and explore the chambers of this tomb. Let’s meet back here in five minutes.
Waffler: O.K. Five dinutes.
(As they split up and leave Halfasleep grabs Bones again)
Halfasleep: Don’t forget you must find the relic.
Bones: (He picks up the closest artefact) Here will this do?
Halfasleep: No you fool. I’ve told you before. You are looking for a unique balm.
Bones: A bomb! What do you want a bomb for?
Halfasleep: Not a bomb you idiot. A balm B-A-L-M. It’s like an ointment or cream. It should look something like a modern day lipstick.
Bones: Don’t worry. I’m on the case.
(Everyone has left the stage leaving Halfasleep alone with the sarcophagus)
Halfasleep: (To audience) Would you be worried? Maybe I can find it myself. What have we here? (Looks through books on an altar) The Book of the “not quite dead but don’t get out much these days”. A Dummies Guide to Mummification. First Aid guide to bandaging. Ah - The Book of the Dead! Now this should make for interesting bedtime reading. (He sits down towards the front of stage) Chapter One – How to activate your mummy. 1. Check that your mummy is turned on 2. Say the magic words “arisus eminem sesame” 3. Insert earplugs (Looks around but can’t find any)
SONG – My Name Is [3]
(Sarcophagus opens to reveal The Mummy who is joined by numerous Egyptian dancers and singers. Doctor is left tormented and shaking by the rap music of the Mummy. The Mummy returns to the sarcophagus by the end of song when the others return)
Crumpet: Doctor, what happened?
Hardback: It looks like he’s been either scared out of his wits or bored out of his brains.
Bones: Who did this to you?
Fazal: Mohammed ikbal mummy mummy. How you thrill me ah mummy mummy! (Like the song – Honey Honey)
Waffler: (Screaming as he becomes hysterical) The purse of the dummy is on us all!
Crumpet: (Punches Waffler out) He was getting worse.
Bones: The curse of the Mummy is on us all! [Sound f/x thunder - 4] (All remain frozen)
Hardback: Anyone for tea?
Crumpet: There’s a nice café just outside Cairo.
(All start to leave)
Bones: What about the doctor?
Hardcover: Don’t worry. We’ll bring him back a shake.
Scene 4 The Precious Cargo arrives in England
(Dock workers are moving a number of cartons and containers on to the stage. A fog/mist is creeping across stage. S/FX fog horn - 5)
Toll: Keep coming. That’s it. Just keep it all together so that nothing is misplaced or lost. What is all this stuff anyway?
Skipper: (Best pirate voice)Argh… this be the treasure of King Neverbeenanygood.
Toll: I see. Did you have any problems shipping this lot from Egypt? Skipper: It was a voyage ye shall never forget.
(Lights darken. Skipper holds torch under his face for ghost story effect)
When we was loadin’ at the Cairo port locals were whisperin’ about a curse that would befall anyone who came in contact with the King’s Treasure. The sea is full of stories my friend, and crabs. Most are a load of old beluga bollocks but this ‘ere one was true. As we were soon to find out - first hand.
Right from the start things went wrong. The very first night I lost the cabin boy. Then I remembered, we didn’t have a cabin boy. So I relaxed. Before I knew it, the “Greasy Sucker” became a virtual ghost ship.
First, the first mate disappeared, then the second mate, then the cook, who didn’t have any mates. Then the coxswain, the boson, the professor and Mary-Anne. All disappeared without a trace, without a sound, without even a “going away party”.
We left Egypt with 34 souls onboard. Now I’m the only one left to tell the terrible tale. (Stage lights up)
Apart from that, it was pretty non-eventful.
Toll: I will make sure that this cargo is transported to the London Museum at once! (As he turns he runs into Bruno and Mario who are members of an underground cult of Egyptian Mummy followers) Are you two from the Museum?
Bruno: No. (He is poked by Mario)
Mario: Yes!
Bruno: Yes!
Toll: Get your trucks in here and clear these boxes out of the way immediately. I’m starting to get a bad feeling about this whole night. Not to mention this awful fog.
Bruno: Yes Sir right away!
Toll: But before you start I’ll need to see your requisition order.
Bruno: What’s that look like?
Toll: It’s the official order from the Museum curator – Mr Mould requesting that these priceless Egyptian artifacts be handed over to you fine gentlemen for safe conduct to London. (As he is speaking Mario is writing this down on a piece of paper using Bruno as a table)
Mario: How do you spell Mould?
Toll: M-O-U-L-D - crumbling soft soil suited for plant growth.
Mario: Scoozi?
Toll: (Quite proudly) Just a quirky little habit of mine. I can spell words and give you exact dictionary definitions. For example – mould – verb – to exert a steady formative influence on.
Bruno: (To Mario) Weirdo.
Toll: W-E-I-R-D-O - a strange or extraordinary character.
Mario: (He holds up the paper he was writing on previously) Here’s the relaxation order.
Toll: (Without even looking) That’s looks fine to me. Now where are your trucks?
Mario: We don’t need trucks to move this treasure.
Toll: So how will you shift it?
Bruno: It will move by itself. It just needs waking up!
Mario: Silence. He’s heard too much already. (He turns to Toll and gestures hypnotically with his hands) Look into my eyes. Repeat after me. I heard nothing.
Toll: I heard nothing.
Mario: I saw nothing.
Toll: I saw nothing.
Mario: I know nothing.
Toll: I know nothing.
Bruno: Bruno is a cool dude.
Toll: Bruno is a cool dude.
Mario: Ah shaddup. Toll: Ah shaddup.
Mario: Are you talking to me?
Toll: Are you talking to me?
Mario: (Clicks his fingers) You’re now awake and you don’t remember anything that happened. You’re feeling dizzy. (Toll staggers about) Bruno could you help our friend here, he needs to lie down. (Bruno picks up Toll and carries him offstage)
Mario: Now where’s the Book?
Bruno: What book?
Mario: The book that contains the incantation to resurrect the Mummy from his thousand year slumber.
Bruno: Oh that book. Haven’t seen it for ages.
Mario: How will we awaken the Mummy without the incantation?
(Toll walking straight across the stage and off again)
Toll: Incantation- I-N-C-A-N-T-A-T-I-O-N – the use of spoken or sung spells in magic rituals.
Bruno: What’s that song we rehearsed last week with our cult?
Mario: Wake me up before you go go?
Bruno: No, too obvious.
Mario: Rise up?
Bruno: Now who’s been watching too much Idol.
Mario: I remember! Walk like an Egyptian! Hit it!
SONG: Walk like an Egyptian [6]
Scene 5 Movie Making
AssDir: People, people! Gather ‘round. Our Director has something to say. Director: Today is one of the movie’s most important scenes. This is where our heroine comes face to face with the Mummy for the first time. She is repulsed by the grotesque creature yet she remains transfixed as if caught in some supernatural hypnotic spell. Fortunately just as the Mummy reaches her our hero bursts into the room. Knocks the Mummy out with one mighty blow. Then we close with an extreme close up for the kissing scene.
AssDir: Any questions before we start shooting?
MumActor: Which part of the scene will you do first? The scary bit, the big fight, or the love scene?
MaleActor: I think we should do the kissing bit first.
Actress: No way. I’m not kissing you. You’ve got bad breath. Besides we’re using a stunt double aren’t we?
Director: Only for the fight scene. Let’s do a walk-through rehearsal shall we.
AssDir: Places everyone. This is a rehearsal only, but let’s act as if it’s real.
Director: Caroline, you stand over there. You’re a successful, self made beautiful woman who bears an uncanny resemblance to an Egyptian princess. Lose the hat dear. Now strike a pose! (She strikes an unusual pose) Yes, very realistic. Suddenly you hear a noise outside and creep over to the window.
MumActor: Do you want me to make a noise?
Director: No, we’ll use sound effects like this. [sfx fart - 7] Sorry about that. (Turns back to actress) You draw back the curtain slightly and see the hideous creature ascending the stairs to your room. You’re shocked! (She overreacts) No, not that shocked.
You reel back to the other side of the room and fumble for the phone. It seems that no matter what you do you cannot make that call to the police. Maybe the line has been cut, maybe you forgot to pay your last bill. Meanwhile the Mummy enters and stares at you. (He moves over to give direction to the Mummy actor) She looks like the woman you loved all those years ago. You’re excited! (He overacts) No, not that excited.
You can’t wait to be with her. (He bolts across the room) But wait!
You are a Mummy. Everyone knows that Mummies do everything slowly. Just imagine your Grandad going shopping. He can’t stand it. He slowly shuffles his feet, his shoes are too tight and he complains every few steps about the price of bananas and recalls what life was like before electricity was invented.
When you walk make sure you mumble and groan like this. (He demonstrates for him) That is the typical Mummy walk.
Hardback: (Stepping out of the shadows) That’s not right.
AssDir: What! Who’s interrupting this masterpiece?
Hardback: You hired me as a Librarian who would not only shoosh people on set but who could also give you an appraisal of your authenticity.
Director: How are we doing so far?
Hardback: You stink! And it’s only day one! Look I’ve been to Egypt. I’ve entered a pyramid and I’ve seen a real Mummy and this is nothing like it.
Director: But you’ve obviously never seen a horror movie before because this is how it’s done. Now where was I?
Mummy you make it to Caroline eventually doing your funny Mummy walk. She cannot move. She is completely under your power. This is the dramatic dilema. What will you do?
You are torn between two emotions. One part of you wants to kiss and cuddle this gorgeous girl who looks just like your long lost love. But another part of you wants to strangle her because that’s what mummies in the movies do.
Big decision. Kiss or kill? Kill or cuddle?
Caroline: What’s my motivation?
Director: You have no motivation, you’re frozen. You are under the Mummy’s power. Just when it seems all hope is lost – our hero enters stage left. You see the woman you love in danger and you’re angry. (He overreacts) No, not that angry. You run over to the Mummy. Turn him around to face you. Then punch him right in the mouth. (He knocks the Mummy out cold) No not him! You have to wait for the stunt double.
AssDir: Is he alright?
Caroline: He’s been knocked out cold. Director: Great. Where am I going to find another Mummy at such short notice?
AssDir: I could go and look around the mall and there’s an old people’s home just around the corner.
Caroline: What about him? (She points at the real Mummy who enters)
AssDir: He must be from the other movie – Dial M for Mummy.
Director: You can’t tell with all the bandages. He’s perfect. Clear the stage and let’s make some movie magic.
AssDir: Quiet on set!
Clipper: Mummy Returns Again Three - Scene 17 Take 1
Director: Lights! Camera! Action! Great pose Caroline. What’s that noise? [sfx fart - 7] Oh no it’s the Mummy! Quick call the cops!
Oh no he’s coming through the door! Hey that’s a great Mummy walk. You look like the real thing. Now you’ve reached her. Who will save the day?
Enter our hero. Now take him out! (Mummy intercepts blow from hero and pushes him away with ease)
SONG – Can’t touch this [8]
Scene 6 Secret Society Meeting
(Large gathering all facing podium with backs to audience)
Bruno: Welcome brothers and sisters of the most secretive Egyptian society in the modern world.
SSM 1: Sorry I thought this was Weight Watchers. (He exists)
Bruno: It’s a shame that not all our members are here tonight for this momentous occasion but I have been informed that had the directions for this very secret location not automatically self-destructed then more people would be in attendance – and for some – more intact.
SSM2: Here here! (Raising up bandaged hands) Mario: “Mum’s the word” need no longer be our motto as the time has come to tell the whole world what we have kept secret for so long.
SSM3: What’s the big secret?
Bruno: You have the audacity to ask us what is the big secret. This is the secret that we have kept hidden for centuries, passed down from generation to generation. The same secret that many have lost their lives to protect.
SSM3: Yes, that’s the one. What is it?
Bruno: I feel this honour should go to our President to reveal all tonight.
(Claps and cheers)
Mario: Sorry to disappoint you all but I haven’t a clue what the secret is.
SSM2: What’s the point of having a secret society that doesn’t even have a secret?
Bruno: We do have groovy badges! (Crowd becomes restless)
Mario: Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight all shall be answered as our very special guest will address the congregation.
SSM3: Who is it?
Mario: He is someone who is very popular. Known by young and old alike.
SSM2: Bob Dylan?
Mario: Someone who is wise beyond his years.
SSM2: Bob Dylan?
Mario: He has incredible musical abilities and a beautiful, almost hypnotic voice.
SSM3: It’s not Bob Dylan.
(Mario holds up one hand)
SSM2: One word. (Mario points to his ear) Sounds like. (Mario opens and closes his mouth like an old man without teeth)
SSM3: Goldfish!
SSM1: Ventriloquist! SSM2: What the heck sounds like ventriloquist?
SSM3: Gummy! (Mario points at him as he gets it right)
Mario: Now what sounds like “gummy”?
All: The Mummy! [sfx grand entrance - 9]
Mummy: Thank-you very much. I’d like to thank my fan club who have stayed faithful over all these years. If it wasn’t for you guys I’d still be buried in that tomb or stuck in some dusty museum. Now I’m free and together we’re going to conquer the world!
SSM3: What’s the secret?
Mummy: The secret is to have your insides removed through your own nose. It’s amazing how soft and subtle your skin becomes and the wrinkles almost disappear.
SSM3: No, what’s the secret to conquering the world?
Mummy: The secret to world domination is … music. A special style of music that I created in Ancient Egypt that I like to call Rap. It’s so simple yet so addictive. Once someone hears it they either die a torturous death or they loose all their brains cells and do everything I tell them. Just like you!
SSM1: Oh Mummy! How do we become rappers like you?
Mummy: It’s very easy to do. Just imagine that you have real talent. Multiply this by about one thousand so that you’re really terribly up yourself. Make meaningless gestures with your fingers while constantly snarling for no reason. Give it a try. (They all practice) Now you can also hang chains around your neck, put metal in your mouth and get heaps of tattoos. As you think you’re so cool it doesn’t matter how stupid you really look. When you sing, or should I say rap, just make sure you rhyme. It don’t matter if you’re out of time. Are you ready? Let’s do it!
Song Rap Song (Wild Thing – Tone Loc) [10]
Scene 7 Lunatic Asylum
Narrator: After his close encounter with the Mummy Dr Halfasleep was committed to a mental asylum where he continues to refuse to speak.
Nurse: (Walking with Bones who is still wearing the eye patch) It’s very thoughtful of you to visit the Doctor. He doesn’t get many visitors these days. Goodness knows he’s not a great conversationalist. Bones: (Rubbing his shoulder) He’s been through a lot you know.
Nurse: What’s wrong with your arm?
Bones: Oh nothing. It’s just a little stiff and sore, that’s all.
Nurse: You should see a Doctor about that.
Bones: Nonsense! There’s nothing wrong with me.
Nurse: That’s what Mr Mahoney said in 406. Just before his leg fell off.
Bones: Thanks for the medical advice. I’m sure you must have other crazies … I mean patients to attend to.
Nurse: If you need anything just ring this bell.(Points to bell on table and leaves)
Bones: (Moving close to Halfasleep) I thought she’d never leave.
Listen Doctor I have some news for you. Do you remember that lipstick you were looking for in the tomb? (He writes SHHH! on his paper and holds it up)
Yes quite. (He begins to whisper to audience)
Well I found it among all the stuff they were loading into the boat for the museum and I managed to snaffle it just for you. (He becomes animated and writes THANK-YOU on his paper)
No need to thank me Doc you’re the one …(Halfasleep’s son Geoffrey enters carrying a newspaper)
Geoffrey: Oh Father there’s something in today’s paper that might interest you.
Bones: If it’s that new Optus mobile deal that offers more talk time he really doesn’t need it.
Geoffrey: No Dr Bones it’s a story that involves you as well. It reads –
The curse of the mummy has struck the real life production of a horror movie in Bradford. The entire cast and crew of the blockbuster sequel “The Mummy Returns Again III” disappeared yesterday afternoon.
Among the celebrities missing are director Steven Hamburger, actress Nicole Childman and shooshing sensation Patricia Hardcover.
Ms Hardcover belonged to the expedition financed by Dr Halfasleep that uncovered the tomb of King Neverbeenanygood. Police are yet to find any leads, but have found a trail of bandages.
Dr H: (Holds up a very large sign to audience which reads HE’S BACK!)
Bones: Yes, this is Geoffrey. He’s your son. You’re Doctor Halfasleep.
(He writes on paper and hands this angrily to Bones)
Bones: No, you misunderstand. I’m Dr Bones. But I’m sure Doctor Head will be visiting soon.
Geoffrey: Good gracious Father. You don’t think this is the fiendish work of that beastly Mummy character you disturbed last year do you? (Dr H. nods) I wonder what that scallywag is up to? Fancy making an entire film production disappear.
Bones: That’s one movie that will never make the big screen.
Geoffrey: I know this much is true. He’s done the world a great favour which proves he’s not entirely evil. Perhaps he’s just misunderstood.
Bones: Like your father.
Geoffrey: No he’s crazy. It says so on his door.
Bones: You’d go crazy too if you were locked up in this room all day and night like some caged animal.
Geoffrey: You’re right. What he needs is some fresh air. Let’s open up all the windows and doors in this place and let some air in. (Dr H is becoming hysterical and tries to stop them opening the place up)
Bones: Perhaps your father’s worried that the Mummy is coming to get him.
Geoffrey: Don’t be worried Father. Yesterday’s attack happened in Bradford. That’s at least fifty miles away from here.
Bones: Only an hour by train.
Geoffrey: My dear fellow, Mummies can’t catch trains.
Bones: Why not. At his age he’d have a Seniors Card, so he’d travel at half price.
Geoffrey: Dad’s got nothing to worry about. If he’s ever scared or needs anything he just has to ring this bell and the nurse will come running. Bones: Do you think one nurse can defeat one of the greatest horrors of the ancient world?
Geoffrey: Have you seen the nurse?
Bones: Point taken. Well I’m off old chaps. I’d love to stay but I just remembered my papyrus needs pumping up. Cheerio!
Geoffrey: Don’t worry father. Everything will be just peachy. (Blackout) [sfx thunder - 4]
(The silhouette of the Mummy appears at the window. Both start ringing the bell)
Scene 8 The Origin of the Mummy
(Bones and Dr Halfasleep’s daughter Lola are huddled together centre-stage with torches waiting for others to arrive. Bones now has his arm in a sling.)
Bones: Who’s there?
Crumpet: Crumpet.
Bones: No thanks, I’m trying to watch the waistline. (Crumpet walks in with guns drawn) Oh … I might have guessed that you’d show up!
Crumpet: You invited me!
Bones: (Thinking about it for a while) That’s why I didn’t think you’d show up. (Lola taps him on the shoulder for an introduction) This is Lara Crumpet. She’s the almost as famous as me archaeological adventurer.
Crumpet: Pleased to meet you. You look familiar, have we met before?
Lola: My name is Lola Halfasleep. I believe you worked with my father.
Crumpet: Why yes, how is the old devil?
Lola: He’s missing, along with my brother Geoffrey. Dr Bones believes they’ve been attacked by the Mummy and transformed into the most hideous of creatures…
Bones: Rappers! They’re not fully cussin’ and dissin’ yet but they are probably wearing their hats backwards by now.
Crumpet: They’re popping up all over the world. I’ve even seen them on television.
Lola: The question is – how do we stop them?
(Waffler enters quickly) Waffler: You can’t. You can’t stop the Dummy.
Crumpet: Willy Waffler, how long have you been eves-dropping?
Waffler: Only a few dinutes. Enough to know why we are together again. We’re the only ones left!
Bones: The Mummy will not stop until we are all turned into ridiculously rhyming rappers.
Lola: Why does he want to inflict this pain on to the whole world?
Crumpet: We, along with your father, were the ones who opened his tomb. We unknowingly unleashed a monster. Now we have to put him back in his box.
Lola: I still don’t understand. Where did he come from?
Bones: Let me tell you the story of a man named Jed. No wait, that’s another story.
(Lighting change)
This is a love story which began with a beautiful Egyptian princess called Cleopatra. (Stagehands enter with costume accessories for Lola who becomes Cleopatra as everyone else moves to the side of the stage. Additional props brought on to stage including: 2 large boxes/vases, table with cups and canister)
She was a very powerful but very dangerous lady who had many suitors but not many suits.
With so many men desperately wanting to be with her it wasn’t long until there were … overlaps.
(Marc Antony enters)
Cleopatra: Marc Antony my love.
Waffler: Didn’t he marry Jennifer Lopez?
Marc: (Angrily to Waffler) Hey, stop interrupting our love scene! Oh Cleopatra, you are like the great river Nile.
Cleopatra: By that do you mean I am graceful, flowing, romantic and brimming with life?
Marc: No, you make me sick. But in a good way. I can’t stop thinking about you.
Cleopatra: Someone’s coming! Quick, hide in the closet! Marc: But you don’t have a closet.
Cleopatra: Try that box on for size. (He climbs into the one of two boxes/vases on stage)
[sfx emperor’s fanfare - 11] (Julius Caesar enters acknowledging the cheers)
Cleopatra: Hail Caesar!
Caesar: Really? (He looks to the skies) Lot’s of people have said that to me today but I think it’ll stay fine.
Cleopatra: What brings the Emperor of Rome to little old Egypt?
Caesar: Yesterday I defeated the Gauls in Galway so I thought I’d march on over and see my favourite girlfriend. (Marc Antony stirs in his box)
Cleopatra: Does she live around here?
Caesar: (He chortles) This is why I find you so irresistible. My best friend in Rome, Gluteus Maximus said that you’re a silly little girl who wouldn’t know her head from her asp.
Cleopatra: And what did you say to that?
Caesar: I totally agreed. But then I reminded him who was Emperor. And the Emperor always gets what the Emperor wants.
Cleopatra: How about a drink? (She begins to pour him a wine)
Caesar: I’ve heard rumours that you’ve been seeing Marc Antony behind my back. (She drops the glass and Marc Antony’s box moves towards the exit)
Now I know that it cannot be true because Marc is one of my most trusted commanders. He knows that if he messed with my girl I would roll up his toga, and cut off his – inheritance!
Cleopatra: Wow, that’s gotta hurt! (A loud knock at the door) Someone’s at the door! Quick hide!
Caesar: But I’m Caesar! I hide from no man!
Cleopatra: I think it’s your mother.
Caesar: Where can I hide? Cleopatra: Try this on for size. (She throws him another empty box just like Marc Antony’s. Neverbeenanygood enters)
Neverbeenanygood, I told you yesterday not to come back here ever again!
Neverbeen: My head said no, but my heart won’t let you go.
Cleopatra: It could be very dangerous for our country if the Romans (pointing at the boxes behind) found out that I’m secretly in love with an Egyptian Prince who’s into poetry.
Neverbeen: I’m in love and now that I’ve told ya I feel I could lick any Roman soldier!
(Marc Antony and Caesar simultaneously remove their boxes from their heads)
Caesar: Guards! Arrest them! (Soldiers surround Neverbeenanygood and Cleopatra)
Marc: What do you command be done with them O mighty Caesar?
Caesar: Kill them both and burn their country!
Cleopatra: No wait! I’ll do anything if you just let me go. I’ll even bake you that nice lemon tart you really go for.
Caesar: O.K. Let her go. (Turns to Neverbeenanygood) And what do you have to trade for your life?
Neverbeen: Man, you’re the dude who rules the map Let me go free and I’ll teach you to rap!
Caesar: (Turns to his soldiers) After you’ve killed him I want you to take out all of his internal organs, especially his tongue, and replace them with sawdust. Then carefully remove his brain, if you can find it, through his nostrils. And seeing that he is so wrapped up in himself use all the bandages we have left over and wrap him up so tight that he’ll never rap again!
Neverbeen: You can’t stop the music (They begin to take him away) Nobody can stop the music!
Caesar: Watch and learn.
Cleopatra: Now that we have that all sorted out, are you boys staying for dinner?
Marc: No we thought we’d invade Crete this afternoon. See you in a few years. Cleopatra: You can’t just leave! First you breeze on in without remembering to bring me a present then you turn my boyfriend into a Mummy…
Caesar: I’m sorry I forgot. Here’s a present we picked out just for you. (Slaves present to her a box with a lid)
Cleopatra: What for me? Oh you shouldn’t have. What is it?
Caesar: It’s a … necklace. A very rare moving necklace from Africa. Try it on. (She places the snake around her neck)
Cleopatra: It’s very pretty. All the girls in town will want one of these. Oww … I think that necklace just bit me. (She collapses – we return to modern day – lighting returns to normal)
Bones: For thousands of years the Mummy has been waiting to be released so that he can have his revenge on the world.
Crumpet: He’s determined to punish the world with this horrible rap music until we either become like him or …
Bones: Or until he finds his Cleopatra. Maybe if he discovers his long lost love he’ll be so wrapped in her that he’ll leave the rest of us alone.
Lola: How can we possibly resurrect Cleopatra? Her mummy’s been in the museum for thousands of years without so much as a twitch.
Bones: We don’t need to bring her back to life. All we need is someone who looks like her enough to fool the Mummy.
Waffler: What a dischievous plan.
Lola: Where would we find such a person?
(All cast members look at the audience with arms out and blank looks)
Bones: I suppose I could pull it off but I’d have to shave my legs…
Crumpet: (Ignoring Bones and grabbing Lola by the wrist) Now that we have the bait to lure him into a trap, any ideas on how we can defeat him?
Hardcover: (Entering quickly with Dr Frankenstein in tow) It’s time to brainstorm friends!
Waffler: I thought you were dissing!
Bones: The papers claimed you were attacked on the movie set. How did you escape? Hardcover: I tried initially to shoosh the rappers into submission but I soon realized that they were beyond all reasoning. So …
Lola: So …
Hardcover: So I hit them over the head with an almanac and high-tailed it out of there.
Crumpet: Who’s this geek you brought with you?
Hardcover: This geek could be the solution to our little problem. Ladies and gentlemen I’d like to introduce you to one of the greatest scientists and inventors of our time – Dr Frankenstein. [sfx thunder - 4]
Lola: Did she just say what I though she said?
Hardcover: Yes I did. But let’s give the sound effects guys a chance to recover first. (Short pause)
Yes, this is Dr Frankenstein. [sfx thunder - 4] He has spent his entire career trying to make the world a better place for mankind and clear his tarnished family name.
Bones: What’s your specialist field Doctor?
Frankenstein: You name it and I can do it. Physics, chemistry, botany …
Bones: What about Biology?
Frankenstein: Just because my father was obsessed with creating life with his experiments doesn’t mean that I’m the same.
Hardcover: Lay off him Chicken! He’s on our side and he’s here to help. Let’s not forget who the enemy really is. Any ideas on how we can stop him?
Crumpet: Conventional weapons won’t work. So all my guns, swords, lasers, death rays, mustard gas, claws, ninja stars, missiles, harpoons, arrows, clubs, hammers, battering rams, knuckle-dusters, spears, axes and bombs. They’re all useless.
Frankenstein: Fear not Ms Crumpet for I have studied this menace and I know how he works.
Waffler: What did you have in dind?
Frankenstein: The Mummy uses the mediums of television and radio to broadcast this hypnotic noise called rap to millions of people and teenagers all over the world.
Lola: Are you suggesting we destroy the TV and radio stations? Bones: No way! I love the Simpsons!
Frankenstein: You are right for once in your life Dr Bones. We won’t destroy the stations but we will replace that so called music with something else.
Hardcover: What did you have in mind?
Frankenstein: It must be something that is so incredibly awful and boring that it will cause audiences to switch off entirely and this … will stop the Mummy.
I have taken the liberty of printing out the sheet music for all of you and I’ve hired a band with singers and dancers too. The cameras are ready to record. Now all I have to say is the word.
Lola: (Looking at the sheet music in disbelief) What is this?
Frankenstein: Ladies and gentlemen. This is what I call – Country. Hit it boys!
SONG - Play that Country Music Cowboy [12]
End of Act 1 *******************************************************************************
Act 2
Scene 1 Mad Scientist’s Laboratory (Sound f/x evil laboratory -13)
Hardcover: (Rushing on to stage) Dr Frankenstein I’ve just received the results from your country music experiment.
Frankenstein: Has rap music been removed from the airwaves as expected?
Hardcover: No! Your expensive exercise had no effect whatsoever. Although sales of checked shirts have gone through the roof. I don’t know why I asked for your help in the first place.
Frankenstein: You were desperate Miss Hardcover. And desperate times call for desperate measures. Would you like some tea, it’s just boiled. (Sound f/x bubbling – 14) (Moving towards bubbling test-tubes)
Hardcover: No thanks. When I Googled “mad scientist” your name had the most hits.
Frankenstein: Now I shall show you why. Behold! [sfx dramatic music - 2] (He removes a sheet that has been covering a very large box with a hole in the top) Hardcover: I don’t see how an empty refrigerator box is going to help stop the Mummy.
Frankenstein: This is my father’s greatest invention. It’s called the Re-Animator.
Hardcover: Does this thing do what its name suggests?
Frankenstein: This machine takes old body parts and makes them new again.
Hardcover: When you say old, do you mean … dead?
Frankenstein: Old, dead, stolen – what’s the difference – this is Science!
(Igor enters dragging a large cart/box containing an assortment of body parts)
Hardcover: I still don’t understand what this has to do with defeating the Mummy.
Frankenstein: We need someone, or something to take on the Mummy with the same charismatic charm that has afforded him so many followers. Igor has spent the entire Interval digging up the body parts of some of the world’s all-time favourite jazz singers. Look we have (he moves to the cart and removes parts before tossing them into the Re-Animator) Ella Fitzerald’s cheek [sample – Cheek to Cheek - 15] Al Jolson’s bottom [sample – I’m sittin’ on top of the world - 16] Louis Arstrong’s eyes [sample – Jeepers Creepers - 17] Bing Crosby’s beard …
Igor: Bing Crosby didn’t have a beard.
Frankenstein: Well he certainly doesn’t now. Here, help me with the rest. (All three help to throw the remaining parts into the box) Now for the final and most important ingredient. (Hold up a CD) The voice of Frank Sinatra.
Hardcover: Where did you get that?
Igor: It was on sale at HMV for $2.
Frankenstein: Now all we need is an incredible energy source to power the transformation.
Hardcover: I think I have some AA’s in my handbag.
Frankenstein: No, I need much more than that. Igor! Is a storm brewing?
Igor: No Sir. The stars are out. There’s not a cloud in the sky. Frankenstein: Curses! So close and yet so far!
Hardcover: Wait! If lightning is what you’re after just say your name – remember?
Frankenstein: Yes Miss Hardcover you’re brilliant! (Gives her a hug) Give life to my creation – Frankenstein! (Nothing happens)
Igor: (To audience) Now that’s what I call an anti-climax.
Toll: (Walks on to offer definition before exiting quickly) Anti-climax. Lame or trivial conclusion to a sentence that promised a climax.
Frankenstein: I’m not lame - you are.
Hardcover: Maybe I have to say it. Frankenstein! [sfx thunder -4]
Frankenstein: Quickly Igor connect the conductors to the lightning rod. Now say it again.
Hardcover: (To technicians) How are you sound guys going? Alright, Frankenstein! [sfx thunder - 4]
Igor: Did it work master?
Frankenstein: Behold my creation!
(All three look at large box fro behind so FrankenSinatra remains hidden)
Igor: He’s beautiful.
Hardcover: Awww, he looks just like his father. What will you call him?
Frankenstein: Obviously I’ll name him after me and my favourite singer. I’ll call him – FrankenSinatra. Franky boy, come to Daddy! (Frankensinatra emerges from box dressed in a suit)
SONG They can’t take that away [18]
Scene 2 Inside the Pyramid
Crumpet: This is the centre of the Great Pyramid of “Bargara”(replace with own local spot). We know that we face a fearsome foe and nobody really knows if we can stop him. Let’s check our weapons before we split up.
Hardcover: (Entering with Dr Frankenstein) Has anyone seen a really weird looking guy in a bad suit? Waffler: Doctor Bones is already here.
Hardcover: Never mind. Dr Frankenstein and I will search this passage-way.
Crumpet: Do you need any weapons?
Frankenstein: I have my assistant Igor who has brought along his friend “come along with me and nobody will be hurt”. (Igor enters carrying a giant club)
Lola: Do you have anything Miss Hardcover?
Hardcover: I’ve always got my shooshing powers and if that doesn’t work I plan to hit him over the head with the 2006 Year Book.
Crumpet: Very well then, off you go. Remember if you see the Mummy don’t try and capture him by yourself. Just scream and run back to here. (They leave stage) Now Lola you have the most important job. You are dressed as Cleopatra, the Mummy’s old girlfriend. Your role is to lure him out of the shadows to this very place where we can all pounce! You and your brother Geoffrey can take that path.
Bones: Geoffrey? I thought the Mummy grabbed you and your father at the Assylum?
Geoffrey: Spot of good luck there old chap. Turns out that nurse played second-row for the Bulldogs so we packed a scrum and pushed our way out of a pickle.
Bones: Will they need weapons?
Crumpet: I don’t think so. The Mummy is head over heels in love with her.
Geoffrey: I brought a whistle, just in case.
Crumpet: See you back here soon. Happy hunting. (Geoffrey and Lola exit) So that leaves you Dr Chicken Bones and Mr Willy Waffler.
Waffler: No, I won’t go with him!
Crumpet: I don’t blame you.
Bones: What’s wrong with me?
Waffler: You got us all lost in the frozen section of the supermarket remember?
Bones: The place was a virtual labyrinth.
Crumpet: Alright you can come with me. Do you know how to fire a gun? Waffler: No.
Crumpet: Good, take this one. (She hands him a large gun) Bones what do you have to protect yourself?
Bones: I don’t need any fancy gadgets. I will survive purely on my wits!
Waffler: (Shaking his good hand) Well, it was nice knowing you.
Crumpet: C’mon Waffler. This way. (They leave the stage leaving Bones alone)
Bones: (To audience) Now’s my best chance to test out this balm I stole from the tomb of Neverbeenanygood. I’ll put some on and follow the luscious Miss Lola’s path. (He applies lipstick) I’ll just leave this here where nobody can possibly find it. (He leaves it on the floor) Now I will be the first to catch Cleopatra’s kiss! (He looks at the various exit options) Oh Cleopatra! Your prince is coming! (He exits to the opposite side of where Lola left.)
(Mummy and Frankensinatra enter from opposite sides of stage and take a while to size each other up)
Mummy: Man you really are one big dude No disrespect I don’t mean to be rude That old jazz style it sounds so wrong Those old tunes should stay dead and gone
Fr’sinatra: My fine fellow I simply must disagree. Some music, like some styles, remain timeless and will always be popular. This particularly applies in my case to the ladies. They love the smooth dulcet tones of the crooner. I don’t have to rely on my good looks to get girls.
Mummy: Girls like guys who are fine and hot Not an old dude who is starting to rot
Fr’sinatra: I’ll have you know that I have girlfriends all over the place.
Mummy: No way …
Fr’sinatra: You know what it’s like. Guys like us are just magnets for girls. Let me tell you about using some real music. Listen and learn.
SONG I got a girl [19]
Fr’sinatra: I can’t sing anymore. My lips are too dry. But luckily some good Samaritan has left this lip gloss here for occasions just like this. (He applies the lipstick) Ooh… it tingles … (He exits singing the last line of song with the Mummy) (Waffler and Crumpet move from opposite side of stage and cross quickly)
Crumpet: (As Waffler picks up balm) Don’t touch that! You don’t know where it’s been. (Dr Frankenstein and Hardcover emerge from opposite side of stage)
Waffler: Any sign of the Mummy?
Hardcover: The Mummy? Oh… no unfortunately nothing as yet. Have you come across anyone or anything unusual?
Crumpet: There’s something here. I can smell it. Keep moving. (Both groups exit. Lola and Geoffrey creep on to stage)
Lola: Geoffrey, I’m scared. What will happen if the Mummy finds me?
Geoffrey: I should think he’d take you out to a nice café for lunch, maybe a little stroll in the desert and then tea and sandwiches in the evening.
Lola: But he’s been dead for thousands of years!
Geoffrey: Look on the bright side. He’ll get a pensioner discount and free refills at McDonalds.
Lola: That sounds enticing, but I’d like to fall in love with the man of my dreams. Someone a little younger, with better personal hygiene,(Geoffrey applies balm to lips) with a good job, great personality and a good sense of humour. (She turns and inexplicably kisses her brother)
Geoffrey: Please! I know you’re hard up but that’s no excuse to kiss your own brother.
Lola: (Wiping her lips) I’m sorry. I just had an uncontrollable urge to kiss you, but I’m over it now thank goodness. (To audience) Kissing you brother – that’s disgusting! Give me that lip balm.
Geoffrey: Speaking of disgusting – what is that?
(Frankensinatra enters followed by Hardcover, Dr Frankenstein, Crumpet, Waffler and finally the Mummy)
Franksenstein: This is FrankenSinatra. He will help us to defeat the Mummy!
Lola: Ooh … he’s gorgeous! (She turns around just in time to see Frankensinatra. She runs over and kisses him)
Mummy: Cleopatra!
Geoffrey: Sister? Waffler: Lola?
Hardcover: Hussy.
(Mummy crosses the stage to challenge FrankenSinatra)
Mummy: You kissed my girl now you must pay A challenge soon will come your way Your talent will be put to the test A fight to prove who’s music’s best.
(Bones runs on to stage with his clothes torn)
Bones: (To audience) What are the chances of running into a female gorilla in an ancient pyramid? (A gorilla then chases him off-stage)
Simon: (The American Idol judge enters) Before you gentlemen continue with your challenge you must realize there’s only one way to settle this little tiff. Let some professionals and an audience decide who is the best of the best.
Crumpet: Surely you’re not suggesting …
Simon: Yes. It’s time for – American Idol! [sfx GameShow - 20]
Scene 3 American Idol Stage
Seacliff: (Walking on stage with microphone as compere) Welcome to American Idol. Tonight is the final which means that only one person will walk out of here a winner. The rest will just end up making heaps of money from selling their music. The contest this year is slightly different than what you’ve seen before.
Simon: Does this mean there might be some talent?
Seacliff: Let’s not go that far. No, this time we have individuals representing styles of music so the audience will not only be voting for the person but also the type of music that they sing. First let’s welcome our judges – Simon Scowl, Paula Abdulla and Randy Dog! (Judges are seated at the side of stage. Possibly even off stage in corner) Now Simon what do you think will happen in this competition?
Simon: Well Ryan it’s quite simple. We televise a bunch of losers who think they can sing. We get the chance to ridicule them and punters at home call in and vote for their favourite. Every vote makes me about 50c which is the only reason I sit here and listen to this rubbish every year.
Paula: Oh Simon you’re such a kidder. He loves to discover new talent … Simon: … and make lots of money.
Seacliff: What about you Randy Dog?
Randy: Yo bro’ I think he was a little pitchy.
Seacliff: Well we’ve already had 27 weeks of shows where you’ve seen singers who’ve had no idea but like to embarrass themselves. Now we’re down the final . The styles of music they represent are: rap, jazz, pop and rock. Country music unfortunately had to pull out as the horse wasn’t feeling too well. [sfx horse - 21]
So let’s give a big welcome to our first contestant – The Mummy! [sfx Sample - Boom Shake the Room - 22] Now or television audience has just sat through where you came from, how you started in the music business and what your ultimate goal is. So without further ado, let’s go to the judges.
Simon: I really liked the way that he didn’t sing tonight.
Seacliff: What about you Paula?
Paula: I think he needs a choreographer.
Seacliff: And finally Randy.
Randy: What’s up dog? A little bit pitchy man.
Seacliff: If you want to vote for the Mummy and for rap music call 1800 546 786 or SMS RAP to the number on your screen. Next we have a music style that’s been around for quite some time and involves an instrument called a guitar. Let’s meet contestant number two – Rock Solid. [sfx Sample - TNT AC/DC - 23] Rock what makes your style of music different to say rap music?
Rock: We play instruments! We rock!
Seacliff: Let’s see what you can do. Take it away with rock and roll!
SONG – Do you like Rock & Roll? [24]
Seacliff: Paula what did you think of Rock Solid’s performance?
Paula: I think I’d like to go out with him.
Seacliff: Alright, what about you Simon? Simon: When are those pizzas meant to arrive?
Seacliff: And finally Randy.
Randy: A little bit pitchy man.
Seacliff: If you’d like to vote text ROCK to the number on your screen. Next up we were to have a rising star called Frankensinatra but unfortunately his leg has fallen off. A team is working on it and he hopes to be back for next season.
Now we have a young lady who’s invented another style of music called pop. Apparently this is short for popular. Let’s see if this is true as we welcome Miss Dillary Huff.
SONG - Pre-Fab Girl [25]
Seacliff: Over to the judges again. Randy?
Randy: A little pitchy.
Seacliff: Paula?
Paula: I thought it was catchy.
Seacliff: And Simon.
Simon: Can I go home soon?
Seacliff: No, if I have to suffer then you do too. Text POP to the number on your screen and after this commercial break we’ll be back to announce the winner.
COMMERCIAL BREAK – Opportunity to perform skits that relate to your local ads
Frankenstein: I have invented a way to defeat the Mummy! As he is so slow I’ve created a device that will allow its user to easily outrun him. I call it a transbobulator(he shows the audience a bicycle). And I have also invented an ON/OFF switch which can be easily attached to any annoying person. When switched OFF the person can no longer he heard. (He switches himself off)
Seacliff: Thanks for that. Now on your transbobulator, we’ve a show to screen. (Frankenstein is placed on his bike and pushed off stage) Welcome back to the final of American Idol where you have decided what is the best music in the world. Remember our contestants represented the main music categories of: rap, jazz, pop, country and rock. Who will be the winner? (He opens an envelope) The winner is … [sfx drum roll -26] Nobody! It turns out that no one actually voted including our own judges.
Simon: Does this mean I can’t order more pizza?
Seacliff: What does this mean?
Paula: The people are telling us that there is no single best music style that beats everything else. It’s up to individuals to decide what they like and don’t like. They don’t need a show like this to do it for them.
Simon: Hang on a minute.
Paula: Maybe there’s a place where all forms of music are liked. A place where music could exist in harmony. Don’t you think so Hillary?
Hillary: Why not?
Simon: Stop the show!
Randy: No man. You can’t stop the music! Even if it is a little pitchy.
SONG - You can’t stop the music [27]
CURTAIN CALL
Rock Are you gonna be my girl
Pop why not – duff
You can’t stop the music