Atwood + Andy Atwood, PC
A BOOK REVIEW of sorts by Andy Atwood
TO BE A MAN: A Guide to True Masculine Power.
By Robert Augustus Masters, Ph.D.
I’ve read a handful of books on the subject of the male experience and I’ve found this one particularly delightful to read, uncomfortably helpful at times, and true to my experience of being a male. If you are a man or woman who wants to dig deeply into the male experience – its dark side and its light side – then this book will be very helpful.
Masters is a strong advocate for “true masculine power” as he says in the title of the book. On page 284 you will find something of a closing summary. The focus on bringing the broken parts of our self together into an integrated whole is the focus, as it is my work when I’m hitting on all cylinders.
In the most effective healing work, all of our dimensions are approached and worked with in ways that not only allow them to function together as optimally as possible, but that also reinforce and deepen our wholeness.
Whatever is occurring – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually – is encountered and worked with in the context of our innate wholeness. This means we don’t lose touch with our wholeness as we work with particular aspects of ourselves. Doing so reinforces our natural integrity of being. It also keeps things in healthy perspective – the perspective not of a particular aspect of ourselves, but of our intrinsic unity of being.
As complex as this all might sound, it is actually quite simple, being very natural to us. Being fragmented, alienated, disconnected, is what’s unnatural, leading to unnecessary complexity and complications, stranding us from much of our humanity. Wholeness is not a fantasy; it is our natural state.
The healing of our fragmented self, the reunion of our far-flung, scattered selves, the integration of all that we are, the journey toward awakened wholeness – this is essential work, truly honorable work, work that heals and Atwood + Andy Atwood, PC
liberates, but personally and collectively. Let us do what we can to support and embrace it.
PART I Orientation and Groundwork
“Staying present with your shame takes far more courage than converting it into aggression. Neither indulging in your shame nor avoiding it furthers the authentic warrior in you, the one who can step into the fire of deep challenge and remain present, without numbing himself or emotionally disconnecting. Being present with your shame takes guts. It also deepens your capacity for vulnerability and compassion, and therefore also your capacity for being in truly intimate relationship.”
In Chapter 1 the author introduces us to the tenderness of the male experience, which is so often shamed into the darkness. We don’t see Tarzan weeping. Men have to integrate their power, their sexuality so that they are truly masculine.
Chapter 2 gives us a list of navigational pointers: shame, vulnerability, empathy, emotional literacy, turning toward your pain, distinguishing between anger and aggression, thought and feeling, and then the fact that there is more to sex than meets the eye. As we connect the dots between our past and our present we de-numb and evoke our true self.
Chapter 3 jumps into the deep end of the shame pool. This chapter is a guided invitation into the realm of darkness that men work so hard to avoid. Face it, and work it through.
Chapter 4 helps the reader to bring back the parts that have been cut-off, disowned, split-off, denied, ignored, and suppressed. Make friends with the self that is in shadowland.
Chapter 5 pushes the reader to the edge… to do the hard work of cutting through the illusions that maintain the split off parts from being integrated. A forthright confrontation with reality. Atwood + Andy Atwood, PC
PART II Power and the Modern Man: Anger, Aggression, and the Hero
If we don’t recognize and have some degree of intimacy with whatever in us can dehumanize or abuse others – however “civilized” or “rational” its demeanor – we pose a danger not only to ourselves but to others, no matter how nicely we generally behave. What really matters here is not so much the presence of this inner darkness, but the kind of relationship we choose to have with it.
Chapter 6 is a fascinating commentary of the movie Fight Club and the meaning of real masculine power.
Chapter 7 is about anger and aggression and the differences between them. Healthy anger, unhealthy aggression. “Anger is a heatedly aroused state that combines (1) a gripping sense of being wronged or thwarted and (2) a compelling pull to take care of this.” There is Anger-In, Anger-Out, Mindfully Held Anger, and Heart-Anger. An exercise in working with all four is presented. Anger itself is not the problem; what we do with it is.
Chapter 8 is all about aggression. The author offers 13 faces of aggression and 8 antidotes. This is really good stuff around which to make an honest self- assessment.
Chapter 9 takes it a step further as the author takes us into the world of violence.
Chapter 10 is about the hero we men are as we take courage, pride and fully embody the heroism it takes to be real and true to our self. It is about healthy courage.
PART III Relational Intimacy
Not every man needs to go into conscious intimate relationship – for some may find sufficient evolution and fulfillment in other domains – but, for the sake of one and all, Atwood + Andy Atwood, PC every man needs to wholeheartedly engage in the learnings and work that make such relational closeness possible.
Chapter 11 offers some preparation for moving into relationship work – the vulnerabilities and challenges of relating.
Chapter 12 – the essential steps to authentic intimacy.
Chapter 13 supports deep communication. Deep listening. Deep give and take.
Chapter 14 – Fighting for the Relationship: Transitioning to Shared Power.
Chapter 15 – What women need from men. The author offers 29 points that offer a man profound insight into the woman before him.
Chapter 16 – Gay men: Outsiders no longer. True masculine power is not afraid of gay men, of tenderness, or of strength. The confusion has been worked through.
Chapter 17 – Foundational practices for intimate relationships.
PART IV Sex
The passion of the deepest sex primarily arises not from erotic excitation and stimulation, but from the presence of an intimacy rooted in deep trust, transparency love, and emotional rawness and resonance, an intimacy that’s the most potent of aphrodisiacs.
Chapter 18 is an introductory look at sexuality. Atwood + Andy Atwood, PC
Chapter 19 is really important. The author accurately identifies the critical role that sex plays in making a man feel better. So much of our sexual behavior is about making us feel better.
Chapter 20 introduces the word “eroticitis” which was new to me. Eroticitis is the obsessive or compulsive interest in sexuality activity and the possibility of it. We live in a culture that supports a lot of eroticitis.
Chapter 21 is very helpful is connecting our wounds, our old hurts, with the many ways in which we sexualize all of that pain.
Chapter 22 works us through pornography and what it takes to outgrow it.
Chapter 23 is about “taking charge of your charge.” The author puts a man in control of his responsibility to manage the emotional, sexual charge that arises.
Chapter 24 – “The Penis: A Sensitive Topic”
Chapter 25 – “Breasts: Mammary Mania”
Chapter 26 – “Fully Facing Rape”
Chapter 27 – “Ecstatic Intimacy in the Raw: Awakened Sex”
THE MANY FACES OF AGGRESSION
Chapter 28 – “Full-Spectrum Healing” This 10 page chapter is about integrating body, mind, emotion, psyche, and spirituality into an “embodied wholeness.” Very healthy stuff in this chapter. Atwood + Andy Atwood, PC
Chapter 29 – “The Passage to Authentic Manhood: Your Flaws No Longer in the Way.”
A couple of points.
This book is very readable. The author has a terrific command of the language and the editing process is solid. The language is real.
There are many ways that a man could work with the material in this book on his own, with his partner, or with a therapist. Men’s groups could use it with great effect. There would be great power is using it as a tool to awakening one’s consciousness.
From the book, Page 101 ff.
THE MANY FACES OF AGGRESSION
Following are just some of the many faces of aggression.
Hostility - Probably the most common expression of aggression, ranging from mildly edgy to snarling. Being on the receiving end of hostility can be not only very unpleasant but also sometimes scary, because we know that whoever is delivering it has us in their sights and out of their heart, with attack weaponry ready for reloading.
Sarcasm - A hostility-centered putting down of the other. Sarcasm is not just heartless but also cruel (however masked it may be by a show of wit or reasonableness). With it, we target something in the other to belittle or make fun of in circumstances that usually are far from funny. Sarcasm is a matter of not only being aggressively mocking but also shaming, building ourselves up by trying to tear down the other, often taking some pleasure in doing so. However short-lived it may be, sarcasm creates relational distance so that later on we might find that our “target” has put up some sort of barrier against us, even if they’re being otherwise loving toward us. This ay not be an act of retaliation, but simply a result of feeling on guard or self-protective around us, especially if they’ve not received any genuine apology from us for our sarcasm toward them; the jab sticks. Left attended, sarcasm is an intimacy destroyer.
Ill will - A wishing of misfortune upon others, one step short of hating them. I’ll wil can manifest in emotions like contempt, jealousy, envy, and schadenfreude (the emotion of Atwood + Andy Atwood, PC taking pleasure in other’s suffering). When we’re carrying ill will toward another, we may not look aggressive, but we feel it and emanate it (however subtly), reducing our target to something less than human.
Contempt – Take one part disgust, one part anger, one part oral condescension, blend with some ice, and you have contempt. Contempt is crueler than sarcasm and more aggressive. Its presence signals not just a problem in relationship but the not-so-far- away destruction of it. Of all the emotions, contempt is probably the most dehumanizing.
Passive aggression - A very common behavior, most often indulged in by those who repress or mask their anger. It is as indirect as it is deliberate. It usually doesn’t look aggressive, but feels aggressive. Passive-aggressive behavior can show up in many ways, some of which are: being intentionally slow or sloppy while acting as if we’re doing our best; being temporarily compliant but actually resisting (I’ll do it as soon as I can”); refusing to admit that we’re angry, when we actually are; dismissively saying “Fine!” or “Whatever” when we’re bothered by what’s just been said to us; saying with an innocent expression “I was just joking,” when we weren’t at all.
Heartless criticism - Often masquerades as constructive criticism because of how helpful we might thin we’re being. But such criticism is mostly just heavy-duty shaming, delivered with zero compassion; the recipient, however young or passive, feels it. This is commonly excused by the one delivering it as “I’m just speaking the truth.”
Violence - Extreme aggression. ( I will explore this in detail in the next chapter.)
Defensiveness - Not always aggressive, but it often is. A common counterattack, however much it might be camouflaged with a show of reasonableness or innocence.
Harshness - An edginess of expression that crosses the line into being cutting, with no caring in sight. A harsh look or tone can obstruct relational closeness, including when the recipient acts as though everything were fine.
Mean-spirited or shaming-infused teasing - It’s easy to both mask and express aggression through supposed humor, If others feel hurt or disturbed by this, we can say that we were just joking, implying that they don’t have much of a sense of humor, thereby shaming them for not measuring up. This lets us off the hot seat, framing them as the ones with the problem.
Excessive competitiveness - Losing all touch with any care for one’s opponent. The compulsion to win at all costs. Dangerously myopic.
Intimidation - The intent to overpower, especially by generating fear in the other. The leading edge of bullying. Atwood + Andy Atwood, PC
Hatred - Aggression and deep hurt knotted together in black-hearted focus on another (or others). Stifling or bypassing it only causes it to fester, to metastasize throughout us. Gong into an through our hate (including expressing it fully, right to it pain-saturated core in a safe therapeutic setting), without harming ourselves or others, is a profoundly healing process, helping pave the path to genuine forgiveness.
ANTIDOTES TO AGGRESSION
Aggression militates against intimacy, keeping relationship in the shallows, marooned form any significant healing and deepening. To get to the heart of aggression, to undo its armoring without stranding ourselves from our anger and capacity to take care of ourselves, is a great undertaking, at once vulnerable and empowering, made possible in part through devoting yourself to the following practices.
Empathy - The more empathetic you are with another, allowing yourself ot truly feel or emotionally resonate with what they’re feeling, the less likely it is that you’ll get aggressive with them. (Teaching children from a young age to “imagine how you’d feel if you were treated like that or if that happened to you” can help foster a healthy empathy.)
Compassion - Having compassion for another doesn’t mean that you don’t hold them accountable, nor that you won’t express any displeasure over what they’re doing, but that you won’t put them out of your heart. Anger and compassion can coexist, but aggression and compassion cannot.
Vulnerability - Being vulnerable (transparent and unguarded) opens you to another, making room for empathy and compassion, greatly reducing the likelihood that you’ll slip into aggression.
Cultivating intimacy with your shame, fear and anger - The better you know these emotions (all ingredients in the genesis of aggression), the more skilled you’ll be in working with them when they arise. For example, not letting your shame morph into aggression, whether directed at others or at yourself.
Sympathetic joy - Taking pleasure in the successes of others.
No name-calling - This doesn’t mean to never swear about certain situations, but not to insult, malign, or otherwise verbally abuse the other. Saying “what a pile of shit” about a bank notice you’ve received in very different from telling the other that they’re “a piece of shit.”
Skillful anger - Keeping your anger non-shaming, non-blaming, and vulnerable prevents it from becoming aggression. Atwood + Andy Atwood, PC
Having a conscious rant – A very useful practice when you are feeling strongly pulled to become aggressive. (See the appendix for a detailed description and read through it carefully before you attempt a conscious rant.)