Excerpts from Francesco Barbaro, On Wifely Duties

(Written by a Venetian humanist to celebrate the marriage of Lorenzo de Medici and Ginevra Cavalcanti; presented to the couple in spring, 1416. These excerpts are from the translation in Kohl and Witt, The Earthly Republic.)

This is now the remaining part to be done here, in which if wives follow me, either of their own free will or by the command of their husbands, no one will be so unfair as to think that I have not so established the duties of the wife that youth can enjoy peace and quiet the whole life long. Therefore there are three things that, if they are diligently observed by a wife, will make a marriage praise-worthy and admirable: love for her husband, modesty of life, and diligent and complete care in domestic matters. We shall discuss the first of these, but before this I want to say something about the faculty of obedience, which is her master and companion, ... Therefore, if wives should at some time become suspicious, let them stay away from slanderous women, stop up their ears, and suppress their mutterings, so that (as the proverb has it) fire is not added to fire ... The wife who is angry with her husband because of jealousy and is considering a separation should ask herself this question: If I put myself in a workhouse because I hate a whore, what could make her far happier and more fortunate than this? She would see me almost shipwrecked, while at the same time she was sailing with favorable wind securely casting her anchor into my marriage bed? ... In similar fashion I would criticize wives who when they are happy and contented sleep with their husbands but when they are angry sleep apart and reject their husbands' affections, which through pleasantness and pleasure easily bring about reconciliation.

Therefore, if a woman wants to govern her servants, she should make sure that she is, first of all, at peace with her husband. Otherwise, it will seem that she wants to imitate the very things that she is trying to correct in them. In order that a wife does her duty and brings peace and harmony to her household, she must agree to the first principle that she does not disagree with her husband on any point.

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In the first place, let wives strive so that their husbands will clearly perceive that they are pensive or joyful according to the differing states of their husbands' fortunes. . . . Let them openly discuss whatever is bothering them, provided it is worthy of prudent people, and let them feign nothing, dissemble nothing, and conceal nothing. Very often sorrow and trouble of mind are relieved by means of discussion and counsel that ought to be carried out in a friendly fashion with the husband.

Therefore, mutual love should freely and diligently be acquired, nurtured, and preserved. This principle is illustrated by the lives and actions of the most distinguished women, and if wives imitate these they themselves will successfully meet the trials of virtue, love, and constancy.

There are also many things to be learned concerning the love of wives that I shall pass over intentionally. For we are confident in the great ingenuity with which wives will diligently and carefully seek out, of their own free will, ways to love and esteem their husbands.

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The next part is concerning moderation, from which very often an enduring love between man and wife is begun, always nurtured and preserved. This quality is not only pleasing to the husband but also seems very noble to all those who hear about it. Moderation in a wife is believed to consist especially in controlling her demeanor, behavior, speech, dress, eating, and lovemaking.

I therefore would like wives to evidence modesty at all times and in all places. They can do this if they will preserve an evenness and restraint in the movements of their eyes, in their walking, and in the movement of their bodies; for the wandering of the eyes, a hasty gait, and excessovement of the hands and other parts of the body cannot be done without loss of dignity, and such actions are always joined to vanity and are signs of frivolity.

We who follow a middle way should establish some rather liberal rules for our wives. They should not be shut up in their bedrooms as in a prison but should be permitted to go cut, and this privilege should be taken as evidence of their virtue and propriety. Still wives should not act with their husbands as the moon does with the sun; for when the moon is near the sun it is never visible, but when it is distant it stands resplendent by itself. Therefore, I would have wives be seen in public with their husbands, but when their husbands are away wives should stay at home.

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Isocrates warns men to speak on those matters that they know well and about which they cannot, on account of their dignity, remain silent. We commend women to concede the former as the property of men, but they should consider the latter to be appropriate to themselves as well as to men. Loquacity cannot be sufficiently reproached in women, as many very learned and wise men have stated, nor can silence be sufficiently applauded ... It is proper, however, that not only arms but indeed also the speech of women never be made public; for the speech of a noble woman can be no less dangerous than the nakedness of her limbs. For this reason women ought to avoid conversations with strangers since manners and feelings often draw notice easily in these situations.

Even if I were to concede, following his [a certain venetian citizen] opinion, that it is usually appropriate for men to speak, still I consider such speechmaking to be, in the main, repugnant to the modesty, constancy, and dignity of a wife.

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This is the point at which to discuss dress and other adornments of the body, which when they are not properly observed, lead not only to the ruin of a marriage but often to the squandering of a patrimony as well ... Here this fine precept should be followed: wives ought to care more to avoid censure than to win applause in their splendid style of dress. If they are of noble birth, they should not wear mean and despicable clothes if their wealth permits otherwise.

One may believe whatever he wishes. But still I think that wives wear and esteem all those fine garments so that men other than their own husbands will be impressed and pleased.

Yet I think we ought to follow the custom--for good mores have so decayed, --that our wives adorn themselves with gold, jewels, and pearls, if we can afford it. For such adornments are the sign of a wealthy, not a lascivious, man and are taken as evidence of the wealth of the husband more than a desire to impress wanton eyes. I will not dwell on the fact that this sort of wealth is more durable, and less likely to entail poverty than money put into rich clothing.

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Unless a very moderate care is exercised over eating and drinking, the mind itself, transgressing the limits of moderation, becomes shipwrecked and falls into ruin.

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Indeed, the fact is that as food and drink are to be regulated, so in its own fashion moderation in lovemaking out to be observed.

Indeed, the union of man and wife was first invented (as we said above [in Book One, not translated here]) and ought to be esteemed especially, for the purpose of procreation. The couple must mainly use intercourse in the hope of procreating offspring ... It would be conducive to achieving this result [temperance from chastity is derived] if, from the very beginning, husbands would accustom themselves to serving as the helpers of necessity rather than of passion. And wives should bear themselves with decorum and modesty in their married life so that both affection and moderation will accompany their lovemaking. Lust and unseemly desire are harmful to their dignity and to their husbands, even when they later say nothing about it. Herodotus writes that women lay aside their modesty together with their undergarments; if they make love with adulterers, let us acknowledge that this is true, but if wives will listen to us they will maintain their dignity with their husbands ... For at all times a wife ought to do her duty, and although her body cannot be seen, still she ought to observe decency so that she will justly seem decent to her husband even in the dark.

It is therefore proper that wives always be careful and thoughtful in such matters so that they may win praise, honors, and crowns of gold. Hence, nothing should seem so pleasant and delightful that it would keep them from their obligation to do everything in a modest manner.

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We are interested in the care of our property and the diligence proper to our servants and staff because it is necessary to have both property and servants, without whose help family life itself cannot exist. Surely it is in these two things that the management of domestic matters primarily is involved, for unless a wife imposes her own judgement and precepts on these matters, the operation of the household will have no order and will be in great disarray. Men are naturally endowed with strength of mind and body; both for these and other reasons, they provision their homes by their labor, industry, and willingness to undergo hardships. Conversely, I think we may infer that since women are by nature weak they should diligently care for things concerning the household. For weakness can never be separated from cares nor cares from vigilance. What is the use of bringing home great wealth unless the wife will work at preserving, maintaining, and utilizing it? ... Therefore, wives ought not to lack praise if they merely organize, as is their duty, the wealth that has collected in the home ... They will surely be successful in this matter if they do what they should do, that is, if they are accustomed to stay at home and oversee everything there.

************* It remains to speak about the education of children, which is surely a rewarding and certainly the most serious of a wife's duties. Diligence in accumulation of money for the family is really worth nothing (as ancient Crates used to say) unless a great deal of care and really extraordinary amount of energy is expended on the upbringing and instruction of the children to whom the wealth is to be left ... On this account, if you reflect upon all the aspects of the matter, you will find that unless mothers totally repudiate the rules of nature, the duty of educating their children is so incumbent upon them that they cannot refuse this duty without great harm. For nature assigns to them an overwhelming love for their children, which they simply cannot overlook. So that this fact may be amply demonstrated, I will speak of the procreation of children before they see the light of day; but times does not allow me to digress for long, and Nature has so hidden and secluded those parts of the body that what cannot be viewed without embarrassment can hardly be discussed by us without loss of dignity.

Here the special care and diligence of Nature can be observed, for while she has placed the nipples of other animals under their stomachs, in women she has affixed them on their breasts so that they may feed their children milk and fondle them with embraces at the same time, kiss them easily and comfortably, and, as they say, receive them to their bosoms.

Therefore, noble women should always try to feed their own offspring so that they will not degenerate from being fed on poorer, foreign milk. But if, as often happens, mothers cannot for compelling reasons suckle their own children, they ought to place them with good nurses, not with slaves, strangers, or drunken and unchaste women. They ought to give their infants to the care of those who are freeborn, well mannered, and especially those endowed with dignified speech.

After their offspring have passed their infancy, mothers should use all their skill, care, and effort to ensure that their children are endowed with excellent qualities of mind and body. First they should instruct them in their duty toward Immortal God, their country, and their parents, so that they will be instilled from their earliest years with those qualities that are the foundation of all other virtues. Only those children who fear God, obey the laws, honor their parents, respect their superiors, are pleasant with their equals and courteous to their inferiors, will exhibit much hope for themselves ... Mothers should often warn their children to abstain from excessive laughter and to avoid words that denote a rash character. That is the mark of stupidity, the evidence of passion ... If their children should say anything that is obscene or licentious, mothers should not greet it with a laugh or a kiss, but with a whip.

Moreover, they should teach their children not to criticize anyone because of his poverty or the low birth of his lineage or misfortunes, for they are sure to make bitter enemies from such actions or develop an attitude of arrogance.