Search FAQ (Frequently Asked Search Questions on Searching)

When adoptees begin a search, which parent do they search for first and why? Who searches? Those from happy homes? Unhappy homes? Separated homes? What motivates adoptees to search? Is there "imprinting" at birth to the birthmom? Do those that find their birthmothers go on to search for their birthfather? What percentage seek out their birthfathers? Can we measure the degree of effort expended in searching? After a birthmother is found, does the relationship develop in a satisfactory way? What are the craziest questions that people ask about adoption? How do adoptive families react to a search? What are the characteristics of a successful search? Why are some searches unsuccessful? If I want to adopt, what does the AAC recommend? How do I find a local adoption search/support group? What can the adoptive family do during a search to guarantee that the family unit is not damaged? When adoptees begin a search, which parent do they search for first and why? Experience has shown that the overwhelming majority of adoptees search first for the birth mother. Adoptees feel confident that the birth mother knew of the pregnancy/birth whereas there is much uncertainty of birth father's knowledge of the event.

Who searches? Those from happy homes? Unhappy homes? Separated homes? Yes to all of those. Searching is not about finding a different life. It is about discovering the truth about your very existence. The best analogy about adoption was a female adoptee who described it this way: "Adoption is like walking into a movie theatre and the movie has already started. You enjoy the movie very much and applaud at the end. But you still want to see the beginning."

What motivates adoptees to search? A search is often triggered by life events or the calendar. Life events include turning 18, getting married, pregnancy of adoptee, having a child (or for birth parent having a subsequent child), death of adoptive parent(s), etc. The calendar events are primarily: right after New Year's, Mother's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving and Father's Day.

Is there "imprinting" at birth to the birthmom? Many experts believe so. For further reading we would strongly encourage reading some of the work of Nancy Verrier, author of The Primal Wound, a ground-breaking work on this issue.

Do those who find their birthmothers go on to search for their birthfather? Many do, but usually not immediately.

What percentage seek out their birthfathers? One of the difficulties with statistics is the fact that it was only in 1972 that the US Supreme Court granted rights to birthfathers. Often ORIGINAL birth certificates and adoption records do not indicate the birth father's identity. If a birth certificate was issued prior to 1972 AND a father is listed, it often is the legal father (birth mother was divorced, separated or married) instead of the birth father. Social workers from that era claim that they were encouraged to have birthmothers NOT name any birth father so that the adoption paperwork could be completed more quickly. (Note: AMENDED birth certificates are documents that are issued by the state of birth, upon completion of the adoption, that read as if the adoptive parent(s) gave birth to the adoptee.)

Can we measure the degree of effort expended in searching? Two factors come to mind. Searching in Kansas, Alaska, Delaware, Oregon, Tennessee, Alabama and New Hampshire is much easier than in other states as adult adoptees have the legal right to their own birth information. Search and reunion can still be done in other states; it is just more difficult, but certainly not impossible. Secondly, it is quite common for adoptees and birth family members to put a tremendous effort into search, get some information and then stop the search process for days, weeks or months. This process lets us strengthen our spirit so that we are healthy enough to process the truth, whatever it may be.

After a birthmother is found, does the relationship develop in a satisfactory way? The literature shows a variety of experiences and stages to the reunion process. The books Birthbond: Reunions Betweeen Birthparents and Adoptees by Judith Gediman, Joan Dunphy and Linda Brown and The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide by Julie Bailey and Lynn Giddens are excellent resources.

Often, in reunion, there is the initial "honeymoon" period when adoptee and birth family member can “do no wrong.” There is a euphoric high and the relationship can be so intense that other relationships may suffer. This period may last several days, weeks or months or longer and is similar to the manic highs experienced with bipolar depression. And, just like bipolar patients, the highs can give way to lows. Birth relative and adoptee may feel guilt, remorse or anger. As with the "high," the amount of time spent in each phase varies greatly. But eventually comes acceptance, when the relationship "settles into" a more reality-based framework.

How do adoptive families react to a search? Sometimes the adoptee does not realize that his or her parents possess information about the birth family. Ask them! If the adoptee wishes, he/she can include their adoptive family in their search. Many adoptive parents want to emotionally support their adult child as they pilot the search process, BUT IF THE ADOPTEE IS OLD ENOUGH, IT BECOMES THEIR PERSONAL JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY, AND THE ADOPTIVE FAMILY NEED NOT BE INCLUDED.

What are the characteristics of a successful search? The person has prepared for the search/reunion process by extensively reading on the topic, has attended support group meetings and/or conferences, and has established reasonable expectations for the post-reunion period and received accurate information. But there is really no way to fully prepare for this unusual and exciting experience!

Why are some searches unsuccessful? A search can be unsuccessful for a number of reasons, including inaccurate information about the person being sought, not being able to organize and archive information, finding deceased or “hidden” family members, or various other roadblocks. Most importantly, try to ask yourself what you want from the person once he or she has been "found?"

How do I find a local adoption search/support group? CUB has support groups around the USA. If your state does not have a representative listed, we suggest that you contact the CUB directly or the AAC Regional Director for your state and obtain a listing. NAIC (National Adoption Information Clearinghouse) website also lists support groups around the country.

What can the adoptive family do during a search to assist the adoptee? Support the adoptee in his/her quest for self knowledge. Help the adoptee understand that it is perfectly normal to want to know how s/he came to be in existence. Back off when appropriate and le the adoptee do their work. Acknowledge that the adoptee is ENTITLED to find their birth parents to understand the source of her/his life, and the beginning and the full meaning of her/his story.