(As the Scene Opens Edward Stands in Front of a Mirror in Full Knight Regalia

You Slay Me (or a Knight in dragon’s clothing) By Todd L. Ford ©2009 Synopsis: Edward is on the verge of becoming a knight. Rufus is on the verge of becoming a full fledged dragon. The only problem neither wants to slay or eat the other. When they confront each other they come with a plan to save their hides and show their respective parents that knights and dragons are more alike than different.

Genre: Children’s Theater Duration: 30-45 minutes Cast Size: 4 males 2 females

Characters: Edward James Amelia Rufus Wormtail Fangoria

Bio: Todd Ford is a theater arts teacher at Union Academy Charter School in Monroe, North Carolina. He received his bachelor of science in speech teaching (with a concentration in theater) at Appalachian State University. He currently resides in Indian Trail, North Carolina with his beautiful wife Amy and his son Andrew. He looks forward to many more chances to write strong plays for high schools and middle schools.

Contact Information

Address: Todd L. Ford 3019 Salmon River Dr. Monroe, NC 28110

Phone: (w) (704) 238-8883 (w) fax (704) 238-8823 (h) (704) 283-7105

E-Mail: [email protected] (As the scene opens Edward stands in front of a mirror in full knight regalia. He is swinging his sword at an imaginary foe making loud noises like “ha” as he does so. He makes a thrust toward the mirror then drops his sword clumsily. It is clear by his reaction that he has done this before)

Edward This is so stupid. I’m never going to be a knight. I’m never going to slay a dragon. I can’t even peel an apple. Yet every morning I have to get up put on this heavy metal tin suit and spar with someone who isn’t there. This is crazy. I just wish Mom and Dad would understand. I don’t want to be a knight. I want to be something peaceful like a bard or a florist.

(A flourish of trumpets. King James and Queen Amelia enter both dressed in the appropriate regalia. As soon as they enter Edward hastily picks up his sword and begins sparing again)

James Look at that my love. What skill. What form. What bravery. (Edward turns around swinging his sword nearly taking of James’ head). What drive

Amelia Yeah much more drive like that and you may find yourself without a head.

James Edward son we need to talk.

(James guides Edward to a nearby chair and sits him down)

James You see son when a boy reaches a certain age….

(Edward is staring out the window into the distance)

James Son what are you looking at?

Edward (dreamily) That cloud it looks exactly like a fluffy bunny?

James Pay attention. As I was saying you see son after a certain number of years…

(Edward once again is distracted this time looking at himself in the shine of his armor)

James Edward. Edward Sorry I just thought my hair had gotten messed up by the helmet.

James That’s OK. You see it’s customary in our kingdom that when a boy becomes a man…

(Edward once again not paying attention has begun to make faces at himself in his armor)

James (angry) Edward….

(Amelia intervenes gently calming James down. She delicately takes Edward’s face in her hands and stares him directly in the eyes)

Amelia Son, you have to slay a dragon.

(Edward suddenly paying attention absolutely repulsed at the idea of dragon slaying)

Edward I have to…you mean physically….you mean… (makes a slashing motion across his throat)

Amelia Yes son you have to kill a dragon.

Edward I can’t. I don’t believe in violence.

James (angry) You don’t believe in violence. I can’t believe this my own son. The heir to a line of knights who have done battle for centuries. He doesn’t believe in….

(Amelia calms James down once again)

Amelia Edward this is something you have to do. You want to be king one day right?

(Edward nods)

Amelia You want to be able to where the shiny crown and the nice robe right?

(Edward nods excitedly) Amelia Then you need to slay a dragon.

(Edward sulks)

Amelia We picked out a nice on for you.

James (taking out a picture of the dragon) He’s already weak and sick.

Amelia So you’re not really slaying him. You’re just helping him along.

James You may only have to poke him a little.

Edward (suspiciously) Well maybe. If I only have to poke him a little.

James (excitedly grabbing Edward’s helmet) That’s the spirit. (shoving the helmet on Edward’s head) Now get out there and slay a dragon. (Begins pushing him out the door)

Edward But if he looks any better I’m coming back.

Amelia OK son.

Edward Or if he says he doesn’t want to be slain.

James OK son.

Edward Or if it looks like he may change his mind.

James and Amelia Just get going.

(Edward exits nervously)

James Kid’s today. Amelia I blame it on the media.

Scene 2

(At rise we see a cave. Rufus the dragon stands in front of the mirror. He bars his teeth. He tries to roar and comes out in a soft whisper. He tries to breathe fire, nothing. He lights a match and tries to light his breath on fire on resulting in blowing the match out. He sulks disheartened)

Rufus What is the point? I growl. I grimace. I make horrifying faces at the mirror. I breathe until I practically pass out. Fire? Nope. I can’t even fly. I tried one. Ran straight off a cliff painful lesson. My parents want me to roar and show my claws and terrorize villagers. I just don’t have it in me. And eat one? (makes a face) Bleck give me a piece broccoli over a villager anytime.

(He hears the footsteps of his father and mother Wormtail and Fangoria he quickly pulls out pre-burnt pieces of wood and blows on it like he set it on fire)

Wormtail Look at that. Burnt up the whole piece of wood he did. That’s my boy. Terror of skies. Demolisher of villages. (Rufus turns around to his father’s voice nearly knocking him over with his tail) A truly majestic beast.

Fangoria Much more majestic and he’ll knock you on your scaly rear he will.

Wormatail Son we need to talk there comes a time in every young hatchlings life when….

(Rufus has lost interest and has begun humming a tune to himself)

Wormtail What are you humming?

Rufus Puff the magic…

Wormtail I should have known. Anyway when a dragon begins to come into his own he must…

(Rufus once again has lost interest. He has begun making shadow puppet on cave wall with his claws) Wormtail Pay attention. What I’m trying to say is. In order to become a truly great dragon you need to…

(Rufus has lost interest again. He is examining his scales)

Rufus Does this scale look funny to you?

Wormtail (angry) Rufus.

(Fangoria calms Wormtail down gently. She’s walks to Rufus and takes his face gently in her claws and looks him squarely in the eye)

Fangoria Rufus, you need to eat a knight.

(Rufus snaps out of it horrified. He fights the urge to gag)

Rufus You want me to….you actually want me to put one in my….and the chewing…and the (fights back another gag) swallowing.

Fangoria You want to be a big dragon don’t you?

(Rufus nods)

Fangoria And to sit upon a huge pile of treasure with the rubies and diamonds and the sparklies right?

(Rufus nods excitedly)

Fangoria Then you need to eat a knight.

(Rufus pouts)

Fangoria We picked out a tasty one for you.

Wormtail (taking out a picture of Edward) He’s already puny and weak. Fangoria Hardly any meat at all. He’ll be down the hatch before you know it.

Wormtail Pretty weak. You’ll probably just have to look at him and he’ll die of fright.

Fangoria You don’t even have to eat him completely just a little nibble.

Rufus (eyeing them suspiciously) Well maybe if I only have to take a nibble.

Wormtail Just a taste.

Rufus And he does look pretty sickly.

Fangoria One foot in the grave.

Rufus And I do want to sit on the treasure.

Wormtail That’s the spirit.

Rufus If he doesn’t look sickly I’m coming right back.

Fangoria We won’t blame you.

Rufus Or if he doesn’t want to be eaten.

Wormtail Of course.

Rufus Or if he looks like he tastes bad or may be spoiled.

Wormtail and Fangoria Just go.

(Rufus leaves the cave nervously) Wormtail Hatchlings these days.

Fangoria I know I blame it on children’s theater.

Scene 3 (Exterior of Rufus’ cave. It is flanked by bushes. Rufus paces back and forth nervously)

Rufus I’m so nervous. They said the knight would be here any moment. I know mom and dad want me to eat but my nervousness is eating me. I guess I should try to look ferocious (he makes several ferocious face each more ridiculous then the next. Seemingly satisfied he pulls out a mirror and tries one again. He immediately screams and drops the mirror) I know maybe a plume of fire. (He huffs and puffs but no fire appears. He finally becomes so winded that he collapses behind a bush hyperventilating)

(Edward walks in dragging his sword behind him clearly not wanting to be there. He sees the cave and looks around nervously biting his lip)

Edward (whispering) Dragon? Oh dragon where are you? (Edward shrugs his shoulders and starts to leave) oh well.

Rufus (getting up from bush) Oh hi there have you seen a…

Edward (panicked) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh……please don’t eat me. Please please please don’t eat me (swings his sword around wildly) I’ll slay you I really will. I’ll slay you if you try to eat me.

Rufus (simultaneously with Edward) Please don’t slay me. Please, please, please don’t slay me. (starts puffing at Edward words punctuating each puff) I…will…burn…you…up…if…you…try…to…slay…me.

(Both open their eyes to see if the other has been slain/burnt. Their eyes meet and they run screaming and hide behind bushes on either side of the cave mouth)

Edward (to himself) OK I’ve got a job to do here. I’m a knight. A well armed, well clothed knight. All I have to do is get out from behind this bush and take care of business.

Rufus (to himself) OK I’ve got a knight to eat here. I am a well scaled well clawed dragon. All I have to do is get out from behind this bush. Edward (still in bush) Dragon, are you coming out from behind that bush?

Rufus (still in bush) I don’t know Mr. Knight are you coming out?

Edward (still in bush) That depends largely on whether or not you’re coming out.

Rufus (still in bush) Well maybe if we come out together.

Edward (still in bush) Yeah that sounds good.

(Both Rufus and the night poke a toe out then withdrawal. They then stick their whole foot out, then leg body, etc. Each time watching very intently to see if the other is doing the same)

Edward So I came here to slay you.

Rufus Yeah and I came here to eat you.

Edward Mother said you were sickly. You don’t look too sickly.

Rufus (confused) I had a little cold last week; My Dad said you were sickly. How you feeling?

Edward (confused) Well I have the sniffles, allergies. Well I guess I should slay you my mom and dad said I have to. Nothing personal.

Rufus And I guess I should eat you. Nothing personal but my mom and dad said I should.

Edward Which of us should go first?

Rufus We could play paper rock scissors.

Edward Or… Rufus Or what?

Edward We could just not slay each other.

Rufus But what would our parents say.

Edward We could make them think we have slain each other.

Rufus Yeah, but they would want proof.

Edward I could give you my sword.

Rufus (suddenly getting an idea) Yeah and I have this loose fang. You can have it. But if we do this won’t they just want us to slay another dragon or eat another knight.

Edward Yeah I wouldn’t want to do that.

Rufus Maybe we won’t have to. Maybe we can show my parents that knights aren’t so bad and yours that dragons aren’t either.

Edward (skeptical) How would we get them to talk to a knight or a dragon?

(Rufus gets a wicked look on his faces and begins grabbing branches of the bush. With the branches he fashions a crude dragon outfit on Edward he has taken of Edward’s armor in the process)

Rufus There ya go. Instant dragon what do you think?

Edward Well it’s kind of itchy and….are you sure I look like you.

Rufus Well….pretty close and my parents usually just ignore me anyway. Now for me. (Rufus picks up Edward’s armor and puts it on. It is obviously a tight and uncomfortable squeeze) So how do I look? Edward Like a sardine in a can….but if you keep your distance my parents may buy it.

Rufus (hands Edward the sword and picks up the fang) Ok off we go then.

(Edward and Rufus both leave the scene)

Scene 4 Setting: The dining room of the castle. Rufus is telling the tale of his encounter with the fearsome dragon. James and Amelia listened enthralled.

Rufus He was a terrible beast. At least twenty feet tall and muscles like tree trunks. He opened his mouth and shot forth burst of flame which I cleverly dodged. He was majestic and handsome.

Amelia (confused) Handsome? I’ve never heard a dragon called handsome.

Rufus (angry) A dragon most certainly can be handsome.

James Its OK son. Just continue the story get to the slaying.

Rufus Well I unsheathed my sword. My fearsome foe swiped at me with his claws but I dodged right and I slew him.

James Bravo. Bravo.

(A servant comes in and lays the food out on the table)

Amelia Take your helmet off at the table dear.

Rufus Well…..uh….I sort of…I can’t my head has been swollen by the terrible blow I received.

James (confused) I don’t remember a terrible blow in the story. Amelia My poor poor baby. I’ll have to get the nurse to look at it later. In the meantime just eat your supper.

(The servant removes the lid to reveals a large steak and broccoli)

Rufus (to himself) Figures, these humans are beast. Meat how could they it’s disgusting. (pokes at steak with his fork). It’s absolutely revolting.

James Why aren’t you eating your meat?

Rufus I…uhm….I….had a big lunch?

Amelia (sighing) I spent a long time over a hot stove cooking. (annoyed) At least eat your broccoli.

Rufus (gleefully) Alright (he takes a bite). Aw man they didn’t even cook it. (gets an idea) I know. (Ruffus begins blowing at the broccoli. Trying to get a flame going to cook it)

James (angry) What are you doing? If you can’t eat without blowing all over your food then don’t eat.

Rufus (nervously) It was hot?

James (furious) We didn’t even cook it.

Amelia (sweetly) Calm down dear he has just been through a very terrible battle. Go ahead and eat your broccoli dearie.

(Rufus stands the broccoli up like a small forest)

Rufus (in a scary voice) Ahhh it’s the sacred forest of living trees usually protected by their magic powers but they’re no match for the terrible dragon…

James (furious) That’s it no playing with your food go to your room this instant. Amelia Really Edward I can overlook your quirks but pretending to be a dragon that’s just… just….

James Disgusting that’s what it is. Now go.

(Rufus turns to leave dejected forgetting that his tail is sticking out of the armor)

Amelia (panicked) Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh it’s a….it’s a…….he has a…….TAIL.

James Edward. What is the meaning of this? How dare you grow a tail without our permission?

Amelia What will the neighbors think? I’ll tell you what they’ll think. They’ll think you’re a…

(Rufus tired of the ruse removes his helmet revealing his scaly form)

Rufus Dragon.

James (pushing Amelia behind him) Get back Amelia. He’s already eaten our son. There is not telling what horrible thing he may do next.

Rufus I didn’t eat your….

James (brandishing a fork) Back….back I say. I’ll slay you I swear I will.

Rufus But I didn’t eat Edward.

Amelia James I think he’s trying to tell us something.

James Don’t let him fool you Amelia. He’s a bloodthirsty beast. Look at those fangs. Look at those terrible eyes.

Rufus (screaming) I didn’t eat Edward. (everyone stops and stares confused)…but I know where he is. Scene 5 Setting: The outside of Rufus’ cave. The following objects have been set up. A table with a wine glass on it, a fire pit with the previous night’s dishes near it, three straw dummies and a high platform with a ladder leading up to it. Edward stands in his “mock dragon suit” in front of the wine glass with Wormtail and Fangoria cheering him on from behind.

Wormtail OK son this is it. You’ve grown your tail. Your fangs have come in. You’ve eaten your knight. Now only one thing remains until you are a full dragon. The mysterious, the horrifying, the terrible….

Fangoria Honey quit being so dramatic. What your father is trying to say is you have to pass three tests.

Edward (gulps nervously) Tests?

Wormtail Yes, tests. Only the most ferocious, the most terrifying, the most awe inspiring….

Fangoria (sarcastically) Really honey? Didn’t your nephew Alvin pass the tests last week?

Wormtail Yes because he’s terrifying…

Fangoria (still not impressed) He has one eye.

(Wormtail pulls Fangoria to the side)

Wormtail Not in front of the boy you’re ruining the mystique.

Fangoria The mystique? There is no mystique. Sometimes I think you just like to hear yourself talk. Like the other day Jenny and her husband came over and….

(the sound of the arguing fades out but Fangoria and Wormtail are still clearly arguing while Edward addresses the audience)

Edward (aside) Dragon tests? (gulps) I wonder what they will be. Will they make me terrorize villagers? (gulps) Will they make me burn down houses? (gulps) Will they shoot arrows at me to test my scales? (gulps) Or worst of all will they make me….lay a dragon egg? (Wormtail and Fangoria have stopped arguing. They have heard Edwards last comment. They pause for a moment then burst into laughter)

Wormtail (laughing) Lay a dragon egg that’s a good one. Like a male dragon could lay an egg.

Fangoria (muttering) A male dragon couldn’t stand the pain.

Wormtail (shooting Fangoria an evil look) Are you ready for your first test son? Are you ready to face the terrifying chalice of doom?

Edward (fearfully) Chalice of doom?

Fangoria (whispering to Edward) It’s just a wine glass dear.

Wormtail Will your terrible roar be enough to prevent the horrible fate the chalice contains?

(Edward looks to Fangoria terrified)

Fangoria (whispering to Edward) Just break the glass with your roar dear.

Wormtail Do you have the power, the intensity, the training necessary to…

Fangoria (angry) Enough already you’re scaring the poor boy.

Wormtail You never let me have any fun. It just like the time I wanted to…

Fangoria Well you never think of anyone but yourself. And another thing….

(The noise of the argument fades out but Fangoria and Wormtail are clearly still fighting with growing intensity)

Edward (aside) What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I don’t have a roar. I’m not a dragon. (shrugs his shoulders) Roar? It did work. (gets an idea) I know. (He picks up a rock and chucks it at the glass both Fangoria and Wormtail stop what there are doing and turn around pleased)

Fangoria You did it. My little darling you broke the glass with your roar. I am so so proud of you. My strong fearsome little dragon.

Wormtail (confused) But I didn’t hear a roar. (he looks at Edward looks at the glass then looks at Edward again and shrugs) Oh well the glass is broken. I guess that’s all that matters.

Edward Yeah. I broke it. With my roar. It was loud and um um terrifying. (nervously) You must not have heard it over your conversation?

Wormtail (suspiciously) Yeah I guess that’s it. (regaining his former bravado) Now you must face three cunning ruthless deadly warriors at one time in mortal combat. Which will triumph flame or shield?

Edward (terrified) Mom?

Fangoria (whispering to Edward) Don’t worry dear they’re just dummies. Just use your fire to burn up the dummies.

Wormtail (angry) Did you call me a dummy?

Fangoria No I was talking about the stuffed dummies. I swear you need to get your ears checked.

Wormtail Well if I didn’t have to listen to you nag all the time.

Fangoria (fuming) Well maybe I wouldn’t have to nag if you lifted a claw around here. You lazy good for nothing. Every time I ask you to….

(again the arguing continues and increase in intensity but is not heard.)

Edward (aside) What am I going to do? I can’t breathe fire and I don’t have a torch. How am going to? (gets an idea. Edward picks up the dummies and hurls him in the cave. He then grabs some ash from the fire pit and tosses it where they used to be. He then stands over the ashes menacingly) Ha take that knaves (both Fangoria and Wormtail stop what they’re doing and turn around)

Wormtail Look he did it. Positively incinerated them.

Fangoria (poking the ashes with her claw) Not very much ash for three dummies….and it smells like that cow we ate last night….Rufus did you?

Wormtail (patting Rufus on the back) You’re fire is awe inspiring son. You even burnt up some of the ash and left nothing but the scent of your breath upon it.

Edward Thank you I learned from the best.

Fangoria (giving in) OK fine let’s just get this over with.

Wormtail OK for the next test you climb up the platform and fly off.

Fangoria That’s it?

Wormtail (confused) Yeah…

Fangoria No terrifying leap of doom? No monstrous height? No edge of peril?

Wormtail No it’s only an eight foot drop.

Fangoria But he could trip and fall. He could break his neck.

Wormtail Good point (pats Edwards back) watch that first step. (starts pushing him to the platform Edward clearly resisting eventually to the point of pushing him) Come…on…son…just get…on…the…platform. Fangoria (joining in pushing Edward) You’ll be fine…just…get…up…on…the…platform.

Edward (scared) I can’t….I’m afraid of heights….I don’t want to die…I’ll break my neck.

(Edward breaks into a run. Fangoria and Wormtail grab one wing each to stop Edward. The fake wings rip off of his dragon costume in their hands)

Fangoria (looking in horror at the wings) What have we done?

Wormtail (throwing down the wing and pointing to Edward) You’re a fake. These wings are fake. Nothing but tree bark and leaves. Who are you?

Edward (fearful) Well…you…see….I’m…..well….I didn’t mean to…

(during this exchange James, Amelia and Rufus have entered from the back of the auditorium)

James He’s my son.

Wormtail (turning on Edward) A knight you vile, disgusting. I have a right mind to eat you right now.

Rufus Daddy don’t.

Wormtail and Fangoria (surprised) Rufus?

Amelia We found him disguised as knight in our castle.

Fangoria Yours was pretending to be a dragon at our cave.

James Edward James Arthur Pendragon get over here this instant.

Wormtail (simultaneous with previous line) Rufus Bloodfang Tiamat Firebelly get your scaly hide over here. (both James and Rufus go to their fathers dejectedly)

(conversation 1)

James Edward how could you. You could have been….

Edward But dad I tried to tell you I didn’t like to slay dragons. I tried but…

James I have never been so humiliated in my whole life and helping a dragon.

Edward Dad Rufus is nice he’s my friend. He’s really a lot like us.

James (furious) We are nothing like them. (conversation 2)

Wormtail Rufus how could you. You could have been slain.

Rufus But dad I tried to tell you. I don’t like to eat knight I’m a vegetar….

Wormtail I know and it disgusts me and consort with one those knights.

Rufus Dad Edward didn’t want to slay me. He was kind to me. He knew how I felt. He’s just like me.

Wormtail (fuming) We are nothing like them.

(Wormtail and James stop shocked that they bellowed the same thing at the same time. Their respective wives go to them)

Fangoria Honey maybe the kids are right.

Amelia James they did protect our little one. Fangoria Their boy actual was doing pretty well at the dragon trials.

Amelia Think about the protection dragons could provide.

(James sighing approaches Wormtail)

James Do you think…maybe…we could…um…call a truce.

Wormtail Well seeing as how the kids get along…I mean…as long as you don’t tell the other dragons…we might want to…do it for their sake.

(James shakes Wormtail’s claw)

James Well see you around.

Wormtail Yeah. See you soon.

(Everyone leaves the human family exiting stage left the dragons stage right. The stage is bear for a moment. Then Edward and Rufus run to center stage hug and exit. Fade to black)