Veritas Splendor Underdog

THE TRUE Veritas Splendor SHOCKIN G Underdog STORY!

By Suzanne Muldowney television program, but before I had a chance to learn of its true nature. Until The following is a then, I had never heard of this man or the true account of program! atrocities committed toward me by Howard Howard and his minions besmirched the Stern and Associates, good names of both the character and me by and their consequences. asking these questions: This account Was intended to have been -- Does Underdog bark like conventional dogs? made public long ago, -- Does he belch? but I have met with many obstacles. Now, -- Does he excrete wastes? it is hoped that the reader will learn and -- Does he lust after his girlfriend [Polly]? -- Does he fight with other superheroes for heed the truth behind myth, gossip, and superiority or supremacy? sensation. -- Does my dancing depict him in any of these situations? In the early months of 1992, I had the ill fortune to become involved with The answer to all of these questions is Howard Stern's television show. Many myths have evolved since then which are necessary to explode, and set matters NO! straight. On two occasions I was asked: does I, Suzanne Muldowney, am basically a Underdog use pep pills? dancer, having studied ballet as a teenager but performing freestyle The answer: Underdog never uses pills choreography much like Isadora Duncan. to become strong. The creators of the 60s For at least 20 years, a good part of my cartoon series made him occasionally tire dancing has involved character portrayals. out from strenuous exertion and have to Along these lines, I use a recuperative, though not in every have been portraying TV-cartoon superhero story. (Consider how everyone Underdog since '80. automatically has a certain energy level and, once it's depleted, either takes time to rest or consumes something to "recharge the batteries" in a hurry.) The acting out of this recuperation is impossible to do unless a group of performers are acting out stories with me; I have always been a single.

Q: How did the public respond to your appearances?

A: I became a laughingstock and an outcast.

Numberless children, as well as When Howard Stern et al. learned of adults, were deliberately perverse by this, they enticed me to be on his repeating the same or similar obscene contact the show first; it was the other questions, or by cracking dirty jokes. way around. The staff insisted that they were booked way ahead and that I must make It was appalling that children had my first appearance immediately, before chosen to hop on this bandwagon. In my having had a chance to learn more about hometown, when I leave for work and have it. I begged them repeatedly but they to go a few blocks to catch a bus, I pass denied my request. a group of children awaiting a school bus. Before, these children never acknowledged Q: Couldn't you have watched an episode me; now they were copying Stern & at home first? Company's examples! The oldest of these children were no more than twelve years A: I WAS FIRST CONTACTED BY THE PROGRAM ON old! How could children A MONDAY. THEY MADE ME MAKE MY FIRST have tuned in to this program? If this APPEARANCE THE FRIDAY OF THAT SAME WEEK. could happen BECAUSE THE SHOW AIRED ON SATURDAY NIGHTS, in my own I COULDN'T POSSIBLY HAVE VIEWED THE SHOW neighborhood, IN THE NORMAL WAY UNTIL THE DAY AFTER MY how many TAPING. millions more, Q: If the show, its norms and contents, nationwide, proved so offensive, why didn't you just could have leave? been affected? A: I was made to sign releases before any taping was done; I was afraid the staff would take action against me. But also, I was a long way from home. I didn't know Two or anyone. I didn't know my way three times around the premises and since I had no car there were and had been brought in delegations by limo, I could not return home by of preteen myself. children to my door. Furthermore, in the "Howie-wood They had Squares" instance. I was strategically spread rumors that I had been adulterous positioned in the tic-tac-toe grid so that with Mr. Stern, and that Underdog was a I was trapped. I was in the top row, and lustful cad! had to enter via a rollaway staircase which was immediately removed. Essentially I was ostracized, not Being at least two stories up, I couldn't praised, by virtually everyone I knew. have left without jumping from the grid and risking injury. Q: Why would anyone want to create such filthy notions about you or your character?

I didn't know, until it was too late that this was the essence of Howard Stern venues: to make obscene jokes of virtually anything respectable, usually by borrowing or stealing an existing topic and then profaning it to an R or X rating.

BECAUSE HOWARD STERN COULD NOT ORIGINATE, BUT ONLY STOLE AND THEN VULGARIZED AND DISTORTED, HE WAS AN ALL- TIME PARASITE.

Q: Why had you been on the program in the first place?

I said before: I had never heard of either the program or the man. I did not until after. Again, they said that the installment was to be made at the end of that week -- only a couple of days hence!

Because the first time had proved a nightmare, I was suspicious. But they said that big-time, straightforward celebrities would make up the panel; and being "extra-special," I was desired greatly. They mentioned, by name, Gene Rayburn and Jaye P. Morgan among the prospects. I took their word in good faith that the installment would be a clean, decent one like the conventional game.

Alas, I was dead wrong. When the limo brought me to the studio, the rest of the cast was already assembled since I had been delayed in traffic. When I came into the room, except for the two aforementioned stars, all the other panelists, waiting, proved to exemplify a rouges' gallery of human vices! Punk-rock artists, fortune tellers, and --worst!-- a Ku Klux Klansman and a pair of seductresses! And the game questions posed were in line with their vices -- Q: Why didn't you talk things over? extramarital love affairs, drugs, fornication, etc. I A: I TRIED VERY HARD TO LEARN ABOUT THE couldn't believe my ears; I wanted to bail SHOW BEFORE DOING ANYTHING, BUT THE STAFF out but was trapped in WAS UNCOOPERATIVE OR EVASIVE. IN the grid. ARRANGING FOR THE FIRST TIME, I WAS UNABLE TO TALK DIRECTLY TO MR. STERN. And that episode was not the end of THOUGH IT WAS HIS SHOW, HE WAS NEVER it. For about a month I REACHABLE. heard nothing more from them, but then in the latter half of April, AFTERWARD, EITHER UPON COMPLETION OF A I was informed that, in the manner of the TAPING OR BACK AT HOME, ONLY THE STAFF, Oscars, there was to be NOT MR. STERN, WERE AVAILABLE FOR TALKING an awards episode to guests who had been -- ESPECIALLY WHEN I HAD TO COMPLAIN OF outstanding in various ILL TREATMENT. themes. Apparently I had been nominated for Best Choreography, and Especially within the studio itself, must be present there to receive the award I was unable to discuss matters with him and make a speech, as because (1) he would slip away, (2) it may did other series-award winners. have been another guest's turn, (3) the directors would make me go somewhere else. But because this was the Howard Stern I could speak directly to him only when on show. I immediately the air; he always took advantage of me. said no; I would not come. Maybe I wouldn't even win in this Q: Why were you on the show more than category; even if I did, someone else once? could accept in my stead.

A: Through deceit and guile! When the woman I was speaking to, and whose job it was to book The first time, I was told that the the guests, heard my refusal, she said, only free space available was the end of "Hold on." So for a while that same week. Very soon after, they I was left waiting on the line. When she were planning that "Hollywood Squares" came back, she said: "No, travesty. Although I didn't realize that you must be there. Everyone who's nominated has to attend." next. I did win Best Choreography, but I was outraged at hearing this. What the statue was, indeed, the could they be up to? pornographic figurine I had seen on the The installment, like the others, was to promo. be taped in just a couple of days. Soon after, one of the male Greatly angered, I spoke in graphic staff told me the same thing detail about Howard's about mandatory attendance. atrocities and the indignities I had suffered, and that I was THOUGH I SAID NO, THEY DIDN'T TAKE IT refusing the award. I actually banged my FOR AN ANSWER AND FORCED fists on the table in ME TO COME UNWILLINGLY. saying to him, "Clean up your act!" Later, people said that others When I arrived at the studio, it at their tables, and Howard, either pulled would be a while before the their ties or shuddered taping started. I was put into a private in fear. room, where there was a TV set, and was left to busy myself. I SOCIETY ALWAYS FRETS ABOUT VIOLENCE decided to keep practicing ON TV SETTING BAD REAL- my speech should I win. LIFE EXAMPLES. HOWARD STERN'S R- AND X- RATED COMEDY BROUGHT A REAL Quite some time passed until the hour TRAGEDY IN LIFE TO ME. came for a TV show I wanted to watch. I turned on the set, but Shortly after the award episode at the commercial aired, I received an indignant break, a promo was inserted for the letter from a group headquartered episode I was about to make. apparently in southern New Jersey. They had organized themselves The announcer's voice said it was an into an Underdog Fan Club, award series; then a but were now dissolving it! "We have been superimposed image of an award figurine absolutely besieged with was inserted. When I saw complaints from our friends and how the figurine looked, I shot up out of neighbors... How could you possibly my seat. The award have accepted? ... you are too unhealthy figurines were pornographic naked women, an example for us and our bent forward at the waist, children..." with a paper-money bill wedged between the buttocks!! I cried my eyes out at this. Howard Stern, not I, was the bad Now I knew I had been taken, again. example; he and his stooges had forced me I wasn't going to accept to make that episode. an award like that! I ran out of the room Now I was being punished because of him. and screamed for the male staff member I had been made to seek However, this unfaithful group never counsel with. But he contacted me until after could not be located; instead, two girls my first Stern appearance. Their original came. I wanted to leave letter was also a at once; I would not go on tonight. But questionnaire which, when I filled it out, these staff girls made me revealed that I did more go with them to another part of the than just portray Underdog. I had had to premises. They would not let send the entire original me leave. They insisted that the promo I letter back to them via a printed post- saw was only a test office box address, so that pilot; the figurines actually looked I could not write to them on my own. Now, different. in receiving their farewell note, I found no return address I TRIED TO LEAVE, BUT WAS OVERTAKEN on the envelope, and only AND FORCED TO RETURN. a "South Jersey" postmark, so that I could not trace these people Finally I was hustled into the to their hometowns. I had never dreamed banquet room and made to sit at there would ever be an a table peopled by immodestly dressed Underdog Fan Club, let alone one dedicated girls. My category was to be to me; now one started in the wake of Howard Stern was also aforementioned matters. But those same ending because of him. people only teased me spitefully; while others promptly forgot ** But didn't the Nickelodeon revival my words or were of the Underdog cartoon deliberately obnoxious. series make children see the truth about you? ** Since the program aired nationwide, its nature, contents, and No. By the time Nickelodeon started especially my consequent indignities were the reruns, the children inexcusable. How, had already been brainwashed by Stern & especially, could children have tuned in Company. Even afterward, to it? How could their children treated me no better. adultfolk have allowed it? If the adults watched it at all, they I WAS ON HOWARD STERN 3 TIMES FROM set up a bad example for the children. FEBRUARY TO MAY OF 1992. THE NICKELODEON REVIVAL DID NOT START Because the Underdog character was UNTIL JUNE 15, 1992. patterned almost entirely after Superman, Howard Stern chose also to To quote my awards speech: "The profane the latter. Underdog cartoon series hasn't been shown in about nine years. Thus HOWARD STERN SAID THE ONLY LINK millions of unsuspecting BETWEEN SUPERMAN AND UNDERDOG children [who had somehow tuned in to WAS GIRLFRIEND-CHASING! Howard Stern] were hearing of him for the first time. But because of Howard Stern also emphasized that Howard, his assistants, the Underdog was "just a silly other guests, and their assorted antics show." To this I had replied: "True, but constituting what Howard there was a lot of himself termed `a sea of debauchery,' negative feedback on that, just like with these impressionable the Batman series with youngsters were also hearing terms like Adam West. The public demanded either `orgasm,' `Ku Klux Klan,' improvement or cancellation. `homosexuality,' `lesbianism,' and so With Underdog, I've always done him more forth, for the first time. sensibly and Now they think Underdog is Howard's realistically." invention, and that the character and I are lustful cads." HOWARD STERN WENT FURTHER BY DECIDING THAT TO BE MORE Because Howard Stern "got there REALISTIC, OR MATURE, UNDERDOG HAD TO BE first," children took him at INCLINED TOWARD his word. Then, when Nickelodeon began "ADULTIFICATION" -- ADULT VICES SUCH AS re-running Underdog's GREED, PRIDE, OR LUST! cartoons, neither adults nor children who were viewers of Underdog Howard Stern and his minions have via Nickelodeon -- let's call them VUNs -- committed very real deeds of ever told me that they super-villainry: were aware of the revival. When they did speak to me, they harped (1) Ruined reputations of every human only on Howard Stern. If these people guest and profaned every were VUNs, they never subject they got their hands on; admitted so to me; they certainly never put two and two together in (2) Grossly abused First Amendment in terms of the differences or connections use of media; between animated and live (3) Become corrupt with impersonation. irresponsibility as well as power;

* * * * * (4) Polluted minds with media toxins:

Ever since that fateful invitation to (5) Made lethal examples for real be on this dissolute life and prompted tragedies program, I have had to set people straight in unlucky individuals' lives. every minute re these These people have blighted the past, when I was to be in a couple of St. are still polluting the Patrick's parades, and even present, and no doubt will waste the though I was in Irish costume, I was future. Unsuspecting greeted altogether innocents must be warned accordingly. inappropriately. At present, I have made about thirty appearances Whether the average fictional other than Underdog, but would be superhero focuses on acknowledged the wrong way no crime-fighting, rescue missions, or acts matter what! of goodwill, part of the time he/she invests is in alerting the It was distressing in itself to be public of imminent trouble. greeted this way by Though Underdog is fictional, I, playing thousands, even millions of people, his part, am on a very indicating how so many tuned in real goodwill/rescue mission to warn you, to Howard's profligacy in the first place! the reader, of past disasters and present need for future The acknowledgments proved to be precaution and passive several standard intimidating resistance! phrases:

Though Howard Stern's TV show was (1) "lt's the Underdog Lady/Underdog discontinued after the Woman" summer of '92, it was nevertheless dangerous while it lasted, since (2) "I saw you on the Howard Stern one did not have to go to an adult- show" entertainment facility, rent a film, or even pay for a cable installment; (3) "You were on the Howard Stern the program was on free show" TV and could get into any household just by tuning to the right (4) "It's that woman from the Howard station! Stern show"

Also, Stern is still active on radio; (5) "Howard Stern loves you" millions of people take radios to school or work -- during the I especially hated the first one, morning peak hour, right since Howard himself when he is on the air! If your area has a invented it. I had already been radio station which airs performing Underdog publicly for his program, (1) find out which station; years and was known in some localities for (2) what time Stern airs; it. Now, numberless and (3) DO NOT TUNE INTO HIM AT THAT people were imitating Howard's example, TIME!!! He and his "products" even where I was already are as deadly as illegal drugs, and MUST known! BE SHUNNED!! He has been warned repeatedly by the F.C.C. to amend ANYONE WHO CALLS ME "UNDERDOG LADY" or stop, and has also been OR "UNDERDOG WOMAN" GIVES deservedly saddled with legal cases and HIMSELF AWAY AS HAVING LEARNED THE TERM fines, but will not repent. FROM HOWARD STERN. He must he "starved out of business" via insufficient patronage! To be greeted with the fourth one meant that the person * * * * * thought I was one of Stern's assistants. And the fifth was a big From the very first, I have been lie; Howard had proven himself to show no plagued by Stern-oriented respect for anything or acknowledgements at every one of my anyone. performances, regardless of how I performed or dressed; and even when I've TO BE GREETED BY THESE PHRASES HAS been in street clothes, BEEN A CONSTANT THORN IN MY going to work, worship, or the grocer. SIDE BECAUSE STERN WAS A VULGAR MAN. IF HE AND HIS M.O. HAD BEEN My first Stern appearance was CLEAN AND DECENT, LIKE ED SULLIVAN'S, I February of '92; next month, WOULD HAVE BEEN PERFECTLY HAPPY AND HAD BETTER SUCCESS. Stern," "Underdog Lady," etc. right in front of the children! It was especially alarming when young Would the children next ask who was Howard people -- sometimes only Stern!? Sometimes other 6 to 8, and mostly 10 to 18 -- used any of parade entrants, assembling for lineup, the first three. I would greet me the same said before how children never mentioned way; they were only children or teens who Nickelodeon to me as the had watched the program! perpetuator of Underdog. After winter had passed, I was still I found how many adults were unaware, getting the same until I told them, of acknowledgments, though the show had been the Nickelodeon revival. Even some off for months and the mischievous children were cartoons had been on Nick for almost a unaware. Some adults told me they had year. I began putting watched Underdog as people to the question and was disgusted children, but not before first mentioning to find: Howard Stern! (1) People who called me "Underdog WHENEVER I WAS IN PUBLIC, THE OTHER Lady" didn't know the first PERSON, NOT I, WOULD RAISE thing about the character or that Nick had THE SUBJECT OF HOWARD STERN. been re-running the cartoons. People did this far too often, as though that was the only (2) People who spoke up about the important info on me. If told them to Howard Stern show had stop, they persisted. forgotten what my topic had been.

When the news of the TV show's Children, especially, although they cancellation broke. I was might be VUNs, greeted me overjoyed; people now ought to stop only via phrases #2 and #3, or repeated deriding me. But, no. I was obscene questions or still wrongly thought of as a Howard Stern statements made by Howard or his by-product and, assistants. therefore, an impurity. Worst: if I had in any way precipitated On August 8, 1993, I was making an the show's downfall, I received no credit, appearance (not Underdog) commendation, at the Jersey Shore when one man yelled, testimonial, or official acknowledgement "Underdog is a homo!" He of any kind. A few meant "homosexual," referring to an evil scattered people who said they wrote question I'd been asked on letters of complaint probably "Howie-wood Squares." He claimed that never had them read by Stern himself. Stern had made a video from When that unfaithful club some of his old episodes including one of gave me the axe, I sent a copy of their me! I've seen no letter to Stern and his evidence of such a video in rental stores, conspirators at the TV station. But they but if it does exist, it expressed only a flippant would serve only to soil my good name all regret. Stern himself remained aloof. over again. Never had there been evidence of picket lines, riots, or On September 5, on my way home from letters to the editor against an Atlantic City Stern's deeds. I have only evidence of appearance, I was accosted by a British action against me, not for couple who said that not me, in standing up to him. only had they seen me on Stern, but that the telecast was at home In the time before Christmas, when in Britain! How many other countries over there were many holiday the world could have parades, I kept processing past adult- gotten brainwashed, via Stern, about me!!? child groups of spectators Underdog has to be which were obviously families. The adults detoxified worldwide! would say "I saw you on My performance situation has not improved because of all this. In fact, it's worsened! "I have been dropped from some circuits in which I used to be, and been denied entry into others... I've become a victim of negative pre-judgment and discrimination because of Howard Stern."

Dance-wise, I can perform staged recitals and concerts only 2 to 3 times a year, and in backward locations. All my other appearances are parades or block parties in which I don't even get to dance but merely drift around in costume, socializing. I've been termed a "star" and "celebrity" but have not been engaged in some celebrity-VIP-only events like the Presidential inauguration, Super Bowl Halftime, big-time charity telethons, special concerts or TV programs, etc. I'm still struggling, even worse than before, just to get a chance to put myself on display. I've suffered many impediments over many years and am in danger of forced retirement due to mediocrity or under-achievement.

There must be a drastic change of both viewpoint and opportunity if I'm to make any progress, especially with Underdog, in 1994.

UNDERDOG'S 40TH ANNIVERSARY WILL BE IN 2004!

Howard Stern ruined things for me but has never apologized. He would only seize the opportunity to change the discussion to sexual explicitness!

What kind of opportunity can I hope to get which would turn the tables for me, for Underdog and dancing in general?

I deserve to be remembered and not die as just another Jane Doe, ultimately forgotten!

All Artwork by Phil Dejean (ESQ.)