10 Tips to Better Co-Parenting

10 TIPS TO BETTER CO-PARENTING

by Kirsty Petersen Nationally Accredited Mediator and Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner

“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow’.” – Mary Anne Radmacher

These tips are designed to challenge you. Some of this will NOT be easy to read and will be even harder to reconcile or implement. Keep faith that you can do it – many of us are succeeding everyday. When we fail, we endeavour to do better tomorrow. Kirsty 10 TIPS TO BETTER CO-PARENTING

1. Don’t take everything personally

Just because your ex-partner is late for changeover doesn’t mean they’re purposely trying to interrupt your time, delay you or ruin your day. Have they always been tardy or is this new behaviour? If it’s new, maybe there are external factors like traffic, road works or weather. Or maybe they just have poor time management skills.

Yes, their actions affect you. How you react and respond also affects you – and this is the thing you have total control over. If you want a peaceful life, take the high road. Don’t get upset – if you predict they’ll be late, take a book and enjoy the time to yourself; meet at the park and let the kids run off some energy while waiting; play eye spy while you wait; watch some tv with your kids so the time passes easily; give them that screen time they’ve been begging you for and let them bury their nose in a device (or a book). How you spend the time is up to you, just as how you react is up to you.

You might be tempted to open the door and say “late again, why can’t you just be here on time? I’m so sick of waiting for you – the kids have been anxious thinking you weren’t coming. Why do you always do this?!” Or you could greet your ex-spouse with a smile, kiss your kids, and go about your day. Your kids are right there watching you – how do you want them to feel leaving to be with their other parent and what do you want to teach them in that moment?

2. Remember you are a role model for your children

You’ve heard this many times – ‘children are like sponges’. You know it’s true – they learnt to talk by listening to you; figured out how to use a spoon by watching you. Even when it seems your teenagers are rejecting everything you say they’re watching you for cues and help to become productive adults. If you’re critical of their other parent, your children will learn to criticise. If you’re negative of things that happen in your ex-spouse’s house your children will learn not to share things with you. If you scowl and argue when you see their other parent your older child will sacrifice a piece of their self to keep the peace.

What traits do you want your children to learn? Patience, kindness, empathy, generosity, strength or cynicism, how to be judgemental, how to be critical, negative, insecure, angry, bitter?

Not only will your negative behaviour hurt your children when they see it but it will also create a map for them to follow in their future. They’re learning from you about how to behave with their future romantic partners, how to deal with conflict with work colleagues, and what to expect from their future relationships.

Your children are watching you – what are they learning?

3. Apologise for wrongs

As parents we all want the best for our children and we strive everyday to be the best parent we know how to be. Sometimes we smash it out of the park and other days we might lie in bed going over our failures. No parent is perfect – we all fail, many times.

The difference between amazing parents and not so great parents is not just learning from our mistakes but also apologising for them.

We treat our children and close loved ones in ways we would never treat other people – we shout (maybe even swear), throw tantrums, get frustrated and angry, and sometimes say things we wish we could catch and stuff back in our mouth. Taking time to recover our emotion (and dignity) and returning to the scene of the crime to comfort our child and apologising is key.

It might go something like “I said something hurtful before and it was wrong. I let myself get frustrated and I’m sorry I upset you”. You might give your child a cuddle and suggest you do something together like play a game, watch a show, read a book, go for a walk or to the park. Or maybe you said something about their other parent – “What I said before about Dad (Mum), well, it wasn’t okay for me to say that. I know you feel hurt (uncomfortable, angry, anxious) when I (question you about what you do at Dad’s; criticise how Mum deals with things) talk like that and I’m sorry I said it”. Following up with a physical touch is really important – even if it’s just a squeeze of their shoulder or touch of the hand. It’s been shown that the brain reacts positively to physical touch and this type of positive reaction helps calm and lift someone1.

Apologising not only repairs your relationship and allows your child to learn how to forgive but it also shows your child that adults can and will make mistakes and there’s no shame in admitting it and apologising.

4. Remember Self Care is important

Separation is hard. If you’re experiencing conflict then it’s even harder. It’s even more important right now that you take the time and make the effort to look after yourself. You’re no good to anyone if you’re exhausted or emotionally crippled.

Including even 20 minutes of exercise – a short walk at lunch time; choosing the car park furthest away – can provide benefits including raised metabolism and an increase in endorphins (the feel good hormone). Choosing healthy food options can also contribute to positive mental health. Options like whole grain and seeded bread, full fat dairy, lean meat and lots of fruit and vegetables will give your body the fuel you need to support your emotions. Of course limiting sugar and alcohol is always sage advice and now it’s equally important not to slow your body down with empty kilojoules and nutrient low choices.

Don’t feel guilty about indulging yourself. Finances might be tighter than ever so you don’t need to spend the day at the beautician to make a difference to your self esteem and demeanour. It could be as simple as meeting a friend for a coffee at an upmarket café, seeing a movie or getting your nails done. Whatever it is that is your ‘thing’ – an hour with your favourite book or catching up on your fave

1 The Whole Brain Child, Daniel J Siegel, Random House 2012. television show – DO IT. If ever there was a time to move yourself up the priority list, now is the time.

You can take better care of your children if you’re taking care of yourself. You’re less likely to explode over little issues if you’re getting some down time, keeping up with a hobby or spending time with friends and sleeping well. Adults need between 8-9 hours sleep every night. If you’re having trouble sleeping, some things that people find helpful are taking a warm shower immediately before getting into bed; turning off the television and reading instead; not reading emails or texts from your ex-partner; staying away from court documents or other divorce related material; switching your mobile to silent or turning on Do Not Disturb; limiting alcohol; ensuring the room is cool/warm enough before getting into bed and drinking a glass of warm water. If you’re experiencing serious sleep disturbances, seek advice from a medical practitioner.

5. You’re still influencing and teaching your children

This has already been mentioned, and I’m putting it out there again just in case it hasn’t quite hit home yet. Your children are learning from you in ways you don’t realise.

It’s not just the big stuff – what to expect from future relationships, how to behave and live as adjusted members of society. It’s about NOW, too. They’re looking to you for how to deal with what’s happening to their family. If you’re a mess and unable to function, it’s likely they’ll go one of two ways – either they’ll step up and take the role of parent to you or they’ll disintegrate and fall in a heap too.

Their schooling will suffer, their development will regress – young children might start wetting the bed. Teenagers might start drinking or acting out sexually or socially, they might become violent or aggressive toward you, siblings or other children. Your children are taking their cue from you. If you’re telling them that it’s hard now but that you’ll get through it as a different kind of family, they’ll get through it. If you’re fighting and sleeping, and crying or breaking things, they’re going to break things, be anxious and suffer. All the research tells us that children are resilient – how resilient is partly up to you. Hug them, tell them they’re loved and most importantly, SHOW them with your actions that they can trust you and that while their universe is in free-fall, you’re there, steadfast, loving them. Regardless of how your relationship ended and what has been perpetrated against you, your children just want to be safe, feel loved and spend time with their Mum and Dad. Move heaven and earth to make it happen and chances are your children will survive your divorce.

6. The rules have changed

This is one of the hardest things to accept. There’s so much change and so much to accept with divorce. Accepting that for your children, the goal posts have moved is not easy. When you were with your partner you could control or influence what they ate, who they spent time with, how much homework they did, what sports they played. What your children do when they are with their other parent is now up to that parent. Remember, as long as they are safe and loved, they will be okay. The goal posts have changed. You can strive for excellence when your children are with you – when they are not, the MOST important outcome to achieve is that they are safe.

If at any time you honestly believe your children may not be safe, seek advice from an accredited family lawyer – don’t ask your friends or family or the internet. There’s a lot of mis-information around and what happened in your friend’s situation will be different from what is happening to you. Seek counsel from an experienced family lawyer (there is a legal referral page on the Co-Parenting for Your Kids website). Don’t take things into your own hands. Often, family lawyers will offer a fixed fee introductory consultation that’s quite reasonably priced but if even that is too much, call Legal Aid or the Citizens Advice Bureau. In many cases, you’ll just be freaking out because trust is low at the moment. But if you have any doubt – it’s better to be safe than sorry – seek professional advice.

‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas’ – just as what happens at your ex’s house should stay at your ex’s house. If you know your kids stayed up late and ate too much junk then don’t ask them to confirm it. What’s to be gained from that? You get cranky, they feel anxious, and your time with your kids is infected. Your children might come home moaning about this or that. Acknowledge their feelings – but don’t comment on the specifics. Let your children feel heard by you and move on. You might say “it’s hard for you when you see Dad spending time with his new girlfriend” or “you were bored because Mum just left you to watch tv and movies all weekend”. When your kids say ‘yeah’, give them a cuddle and let it go – ask them what movies they watched, or whether they’re all tv’ed out and up for a kick around at the park.

As long as they are safe, concentrate on the positive impact you have on them. Tell them with your words and show them with your actions how loved and accepted they are. It’s hard not to take the bait and disintegrate into a tirade of how badly they were parented, but with time, you’ll do it. You want them to feel safe sharing with you but it doesn’t need to become an ‘ex-bashing’ session. Practise makes perfect and you CAN make them feel heard without buying into the drama.

7. Give your children some privacy

If you’re like most families, you have agreed that your children are able to speak with their other parent at certain times while with you. Sometimes it’s first thing in the morning, or maybe it’s after dinnertime. Whatever time of the day it is, your children will look forward to this catch-up time.

It’s important for children of all ages, to keep in touch with their other parent. For quite young children this can be hard because their ability to participate in a conversation is limited. This puts you in a wonderful situation of being able to give your child a great skill – teach them how to answer a phone politely! Ways you can help your child learn how to talk to their other parent is to start by getting them to say hello and their name. It could be something like, “hello, this is Amelia speaking, who’s speaking please?’

After that, there are any number of things you can suggest your child ask to continue the conversation - how was your day, what did you do at work, what did you have for lunch, how was the traffic, or even just the weather - it rained a lot today. You can also teach an older child (maybe from 5 years of age), to share one thing about their own day. This is something you can also encourage when you call to speak to your children. Rather than asking them straight out – how was your day; what did you do today; what did you do at school today; you can say something like “When you think about your day at school today, can you tell me one thing you did in math class (or English class, or science or drama or on the play ground). You could ask who they played with at lunch time, or where they spent their time at lunch – was it the monkey bars or the oval; the library or the computer lab. Try to ask quite narrow questions to start with, to jog their memory, and if the spontaneous stories don’t immediately flow, ask more specific questions like “tell me about what you and Jonah did in the playground today; what feedback did you get about your presentation today (instead of just saying ‘how did your presentation go’, as this is likely to get a one word answer like ‘good’ or ‘bad’).

Once your children are older (8yo and up), and if they have some skills for speaking with people on the phone (or facetime, skype etc), this is when you need to step back and give them some privacy.

Sometimes it’s really hard to leave your child alone while they’re speaking with their other parent. Maybe you’re worried about what they will be asked or what they will share. Sometimes with an older child, it’s okay to talk to them before hand, about what they’ve done that day, so they can share with their other parent. You might say “hey, remember to tell Dad about the party you were at today”, or “while you’re talking to Mum, tell her that great joke you told me earlier about the chicken” or “When you’re talking with Dad’s mum later, share with her that story you told me today about what happened at school”, or “Mum’s been wondering how you went with your presentation today, remember to tell her the questions your friends asked about it”.

There’s so many ways you can encourage the conversation your older primary school children can have with their other parent. It’s just a matter of thinking about it in a way that supports your child to have a really good conversation.

When it comes to adolescents, give them even more space. If you question them afterwards about what they talked about, you might find they shut down and don’t want to share anything. However, if you ask them how they felt about the conversation, you’re more likely to open a dialogue with them. It could go something like “you had a great game at rugby this morning, how did it feel to share that with Dad?”, or “I know you’re really disappointed Mum couldn’t make it to your concert this afternoon, how did it feel when you talked to her about it?”.

The thing to remember with arranged communication, is that this is something you’re doing for your child. This is your child’s opportunity to share their life with their other parent. You may find that the other parent isn’t encouraging your child to communicate – but if you support and encourage the contact while they are with YOU, you’ll find your child learns the skills to be able to share and talk with you when they’re with their other parent regardless of whether that parent is helpful and supportive.

Allowing your child to feel comfortable talking to their other parent is also allowing them to feel comfortable talking with you about their life when they’re not with you. You’re giving them skills that will allow them to communicate with you, as well as skills they can use throughout their life. Showing them you trust them, and making it okay for them to continue their relationship with their other parent while they’re with you, will have enormous benefits way into the future, for your child and for your relationship with them.

8. Focus on the good things

Sometimes it’s really hard to accept that this is the person you chose to procreate with. What on earth was going through your head when you got naked with that person! Temporary insanity or true love? Either way, it’s over now and you’re dealing with the fall out. Even if it’s just the way she looked in those tight jeans, that one night, in the dimly lit bar, find ONE positive thing to focus on about your ex- partner. There may be many things they do that are not the way you would do them or that you think are best for your children. But that doesn’t mean there is NOTHING they do that is good. Try to focus on the things your ex-partner does that are good or helpful. Neither of you is ALL good OR all BAD. More than that, there might be lots of things your ex-spouse does that drive you insane right now, but at some point in time, you loved them. You don’t need to connect with those loving feelings. What you do need to do is try to focus on the things they do well.

So you thought about it and you’ve come up with zilch, nada, zero positive things your ex-partner contributes to the life of your child. While it is difficult to acknowledge, while you may think they fail in every aspect as a parent surely you can admit they love your children. It won’t be the same way you love your children – but they do love your children.

If their ego, insecurity or narcissism constantly clouds their judgement, use it to your advantage. If you think all they think about is their self, then frame the topics that need discussing in a way that will appeal to their self-centredness. If it’s control they crave, let them think they came up with the idea. It might stick in your gut to play the fool or let them think you still care for them, but if, at the end of the day, your outcome is achieved – does it really matter?

Focus on the positive aspects and try not to create in your mind, a situation where you think about the other parent as ALWAYS being one thing or another. They’re not ALL bad just as you’re not ALL good and find a way to focus on the good aspects of their parenting.

9. Practise gratitude

Gratitude is being thankful. When you look at your children, embrace them and be so very grateful that they’re with you. Don’t take for granted another day of time with your kids. Your children are a gift and you’re their guardian. You have your baby for a year, your toddler for 2 years, your pre-school child for 2 years, your school aged child for 5 years, your tween for 2 years, teenager for 5 years and then they’re off exploring the big wide world with only the guidance you instilled as their compass. Kiss your children while they sleep. Cuddle them when they wake, when they leave you and when they return. Encourage their perseverance and celebrate their effort. Tell your daughter she is beautiful and your son that he is handsome. Play with your children inside and even if you can’t run with them, chase them outside. Only too soon will you feel the quietness of your home. “The most precious jewels you will ever have around your neck are the arms of your children (unknown).” Cherish your children everyday. Practise gratefulness.

10. Know that everything IS going to be okay

When your separation is new, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It might seem like things will never be okay again. It can also feel like this if you and your ex-spouse have ongoing conflict. There are ways of overcoming the grief and things you can do to improve the conflict – even if it’s never really going to go away. Co- Parenting for your Kids can help with strategies and tips for dealing with a high conflict situation. Go back to the website (www.cpfyk.com) and browse around, book a workshop, or talk to us about mediation.

The truth is that things will never be as they were. Sometimes that is a good thing and other times it’s harder to accept. Change is difficult, especially if it was out of your control. An important thing to remember is that with time, you will create a new family with your children and if you choose, a new partner. What your life is from this moment on is up to you – have as big a life as you can imagine.

Good luck,

Kirsty 