To Those of You Who Are Newly Bereaved and Receiving Our Newsletter for the First Time s5

October 2012 Becky Long, Editor October Meeting: October 9, 2012 at 7 P.M. The Hills Church of Christ, 6300 NE Loop 820, North Richland Hills for the birthday table. New Members When a child dies, at any age, the family suffers intense pain We want to extend and may feel hopeless and isolated. a very warm, loving, The Compassionate Friends and understanding “Welcome” provides highly personal comfort, to our new friends who attended hope, and support to every family the September meeting: experiencing the death of a son or a daughter, Jo Sellers a brother or a sister, or a grandchild, for the loss of her son and helps others better assist the grieving family. Angela Planche for the loss of her son Love Gifts

Loatta Jenkins A Love Gift is a donation made in for the loss of her nephew honor of a child who has died or as a memorial to a relative or friend. Newsletter sponsorships are available Jessica Irwin for $250, which is the current cost of for the loss of her son printing and mailing over 250 newsletters each month. Tom & Ellen Harris Donations are tax deductible and are for the loss of their daughter the only means that allow us to reach out to other bereaved families through books, programs and this newsletter. Birthday Table If you would like, you can specify October birthdays that your love gift be used for the will be celebrated newsletter, continuing education, at this month’s meeting. workshops, or books for our lending If your child’s, grandchild’s, library. or sibling’s birthday If you wish for your love gift or is in October, sponsorship to be listed in a please feel free to bring particular month’s newsletter, it a photo or memento of them must be submitted by the 15th of the previous month. Upcoming Meetings Send donations to Steve Roberts th P.O. Box 202654, Arlington, 76006 Oct. 9 – Holiday panel discussion Nov. 13th – Annual Remembrance Memorial, 7 P.M. Dec. 11th - Small group discussion 2013 Meeting Dates Jan. 15th, Feb. 12th, March 12th, April 9th, May 14th, June 11th, July 9th, Aug. 13th, Sep. 10th, Oct. 8th, Nov. 12th, Dec. 10th

Refreshments

If you would like to bring refreshments to an upcoming meeting, please sign up at this month’s meeting or call one of our hospitality committee members. Many members bring refreshments during their loved one’s birth month, to celebrate their birthday with the group. Please note that drinks, cups, napkins, plates, and utensils are always provided by our chapter.

Chapter Library

Several of our library books have been out for a long time, so please take the time to look to see if you have any that need to be returned. We need them for new members who continue to come into the chapter. If you are not attending a meeting soon, you can always call our librarian to arrange to mail them back. TCF Fort Worth Chapter Regional Coordinators Need to Talk?

Steering Committee Joan and Bill Campbell Listed below are parents, Chapter Leaders 972-935-0673 grandparents and siblings who Jeff & Marty Martin [email protected] have walked where you are today. 817-991-9121 If you are having a difficult day [email protected] and just want to talk, please call. Treasurer Addiction Steve Roberts Helen 817-914-8689 817-431-6964 [email protected] Auto Hospitality Jeff & Marty Marty Akeman 817-991-9121 817-636-5645 Grandchild/Multiple Loss Christine Anderson Lydia 817-300-6196 817-829-3801 Lydia Moore Drowning 817-829-3801 Debi Newsletter 817-523-5037 Becky Long Drowning (young child) 817-275-9297 Stacy [email protected] 817-656-7540 Librarian 817-845-3433 Patty Gallagher Long Term Illness 817-861-1491 Marty 817-636-5645 Committee Members Charles & Genie Dean Homicide/Only Child Steve Janet DuPertuis 817-914-8689 Liz Hutchison [email protected] Suicide/Only Child Joy Steering Committee Meeting 817-453-2227 Our next Steering Committee Suicide meeting will be Saturday, Glinda th January 19 at 9:30 A.M. 817-485-3772 Siblings Cheryl Chapter Website 817-624-7043 [email protected] www.thecompassionatefriendsfw.com Middle of the night calls Liz 817-726-3999 Remembrance Program in families at the door, pass out flowers and ornaments to each Want to share? Our annual remembrance family, or place candles for absent memorial will be held on families’ children, please call We encourage you to submit November 13th, at 7 P.M., Marty Martin at 817-991-9121. your own works of poetry or downstairs in the chapel of The prose for our newsletter. Hills Church of Christ, with a potluck in the atrium afterwards. Please feel free to bring children and other family and friends to this special event. During the ceremony, each child’s name is read, and their picture is displayed onscreen as a candle is lit in their honor. We ask that you bring a dish to share, and an 8x10 or smaller picture of your loved one to place their candle in front of. Each family will receive a copy of the program with each loved one’s picture, as well as a carnation and ornament. Please notify Becky Long by October 15th if you want your loved one’s picture to be included in the program, even if you just want to use the same picture as last year. You may mail a picture (no larger than a 5x7) to Becky at 2501 Millikin Dr., Arlington, TX 76012. Mailed pictures will be returned. You may also e-mail a picture to [email protected]. Please list the November memorial in the subject line of your e-mail. Becky will reply to all e-mails that she receives, so if you do not receive a return e-mail from her within 24 hours, please e-mail the picture again or call Becky at 817-275-9297. Volunteers are also needed to make this event a success. If you could help set up, clean up, check TCF National Office Scheduled Webinars 4. Ear phones are recommended by the Webinar but are absolutely The Compassionate Friends Oct. 23 - A Father's Grief: As unnecessary. The mikes in your P. O. Box 3696 grieving fathers, we feel a strong laptop or computer are enough. Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696 responsibility to protect and Thanks to Chapter Member Liz Hutchison Fax: 630-990-0246 provide for our families after the for putting these instructions together for us! Toll-free: 877-969-0010 death of a child. This webinar 9 A.M. - 5 P.M., CST, Mon.-Fri. will explore the mind and emotions of a grieving father and Email: the dynamics involved as he tries [email protected] to comfort the mother and Website: siblings of the child who died. www.compassionatefriends.org Presenter: Dennis Apples, The website contains links to Author, Life After the Death of TCF’s national and regional My Son…What I’m Learning. conferences, brochures, e- newsletter, online support Space is limited. community, We Need Not Walk Reserve you seat now at: Alone magazine, “Healing the https://www2.gotomeeting.com/r Grieving Heart” and “The Open egister/588044826 to Hope Show” radio program Nov. 7 – Handling the Holidays: archives, webinars, chapter The holiday season is a difficult websites, and other resources. time of year for families grieving Facebook: the death of a child. In this The Compassionate Friends/USA webinar you’ll learn some tips on how to get through the season. In Spanish: Presenter: Darcie Sims, author, Los Amigos Compasivos/USA speaker and bereaved mom. Twitter: Text follow TCFofUSA to 40404 Here are the easy steps to listen to a TCF Webinar: Save the Date! 1. From the National website’s Home Page choose News & “Beacon of Love – Rays of Hope” Events; under that is listed will be the theme of the 36th TCF Webinars. Click on that. National Conference, July 5-7, 2. You will be asked your name 2013 in Boston, Massachusetts! & e-mail. You’ll get an immediate e-mail response with instructions that are easy to follow. Don't delete this e-mail. About 5 minutes before appointed time go to saved e-mail and click on link for seminar. Watch the time zone. 3. You’ll be asked to download a site. It’s a safe one, so go ahead. Just takes a second. emotional, physical and spiritual necessity. It is the price you pay The Other One, for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve. A Bereaved Sister’s Cry Earl Grollman I am not the one who died. I am the other one. The one who survives, though sometimes it seems I have died too.

When my brother died everything changed for him, For all of us and especially for me. I became an only child who mostly felt like No one’s child.

It seemed my parents every thought belonged to him. They’d stare at his pictures for hours and then not notice late at night when I came in.

No one seemed to remember I was grieving too. The more they forgot about me, the sadder and angrier I became. It seemed I lost not just my brother, but every thing I loved.

Sometimes I wondered how many ways I’d have to mess up before anyone at all cared enough to ask why and who listened to all the reasons I had for “Why Not?”

By Deb Kosmer TCF, Madison, WI In memory of her brother, Shawn

Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an Tips on Preparing for Your Annualthat pointed Holiday to the holiday Heartbreak season. I kept plugging away, right through The Christmas season is still far all the anger that was mounting especially good about the whole off, and to those of us who are inside of me. Once done, I didn’t feel thing, but at least I could remind bereaved, it may be one of the least of myself that I did it. Me. Just me. our concerns, not to mention the fact Many places will gift wrap for you; that thinking that far ahead is beyond some mail order companies offer the our imagination. same service, for a small fee. If you This will be my third Christmas feel like it, take them up on it. without my Lindsay, and I still feel In a world where it seems as if all the sharp knifing pain when I am control has fled from our lives, we faced with the reality that I no longer can make our own control. We can get to include her on the gift list. But decide what, where, when, why and still, other gifts have to be bought. how….It gives me some sense of There are still others left in our lives. accomplishment. Me, who after the How do you begin to tackle such a death of my only child, never task? believed I would be able to These are some ways to lighten the accomplish another thing, much less burden. These are just a few of mine: want to. 1. Ask for help. Give your list Lastly, I do something for myself. to another family member friend, and Early on Christmas Day, I leave three have them do the shopping for you. silk roses, representing Lindsay, her Or, if you still prefer to do it yourself, daddy, and myself, at her grave, have someone go with you. along with some small gift – perhaps 2. Shop early. And I do mean a tiny silk arrangement or a small early! If possible, shop when there stuffed animal. Something. I still are no decorations, no festive music have this great need to give to her on in the air, no happy crowds. Shop that day. And I do it because it helps when it is hot outside; don’t think me. And that is really the bottom about Christmas. I get further when I line…DO WHAT HELPS YOU. go with the feeling I am ready to buy By Michele Johnson a gift, and not because I feel TCF, Indianapolis, IN pressured. 3. Mail order can be a god- send. You can look at what you want. (I have even gone so far, since Lindsay is my only child, as to tear Now Autumn out pages of children’s toys and What a strange time is autumn. clothes just so I don’t have to come More than a season, across them again.) You can work at autumn can be like a mood. your own pace, stay at home when Softness and warmth and abundance going out is the last thing you want drift from the sky like a smile. to do, and have it all delivered to your home. You don’t have to see And you remember the seasons anything you don’t want to see, hear before the children died. anything you don’t want to hear, or do anything you don’t want to do. They do seem far away sometimes, 4. Gift wrapping can be horrid, those seasons, now. but it doesn’t have to be. The first But not the children – year, I refused to do it, relying on a they are always here family member for help. Last year, I in this strange time, this autumn, was determined to give it a try, so I when the softness bought what I call generic paper – and the warmth solid colors and stripes, with nothing and the abundance of unseen children The Mask of Grief Reprinted from TCF,Recalling Portland, OR, newsletterFall drift from the sky like a smile.

By Sascha As the beautiful colors of Fall Reprinted from For You From Sascha surround us and the air is sweetened and chilled, we, the broken hearted parents and families of those children who left us too soon begin to find the strength and perseverance to face another season, another anniversary, another rush of memories. Perhaps Halloween brings with it visions of little candy grabbing goblins and gossamer clad fairy children. Perhaps those memories aren’t available to us. All of us pick our masks right around this time of year and we put them on. Our masks are different, though. When our children died, we discovered that the raw and horrible pain we were in probably showed up on our faces, in the way we stood, in the way we walked and talked. We soon discovered that, even though we had many close and loving friends and family, they were not very comfortable with watching us bleed to death from the inside out…So we constructed a mask. Masquerade Balls and Pagan ceremonies are ancient rituals. The idea of “masking” one’s identity for a short time and celebrating with abandon is as appealing in our society as it was in those ancient times. Unfortunately, the bereaved have a different reason for donning the mask. We force our mask to smile when the lump in our throat and the heaviness in our chest threaten to choke us. Our eyes leak profusely, despite the waterproof mascara and pancake makeup we women keep applying…Men put on a stoic and strong façade, sometimes failing miserably and breaking down with terrible beauty. I urge you to be gentle with your mask. Put it on thoughtfully and take it off with great care. There are safe places to leave it and one of those places is with those of us who travel this path with you.

By Karen Marston Mother of Michael Halloween to feel your bear hug? Where Did You Go?

For me Halloween marks the Oh, Baby, my laughing treasure, beginning of the holiday season. where did you go? This used to mark the start of an Are you hiding around some corner? emotional decline that ran straight Are you playing peek-a-boo through Valentine’s Day. with the sky? October has Halloween, November has Thanksgiving Day, December has Oh, Baby, my loving joy, my birthday, my Cathie’s birthday, where are you now? Christmas and New Year’s Eve, Are you at last free January has New Year’s Day (the day of our meddling fingers, the accident happened) and January free of our toil and trials? 13 (the day she died). Are you riding the rainbow’s curve, So when Halloween came, I would dancing on star-dusted paths? just as soon have gone to sleep and awake some time in February! Oh, Baby, are you sleeping now, As the children came to the door or has your life only just begun? and called out, “Trick or Treat!” I Is that your smile I see would cringe because I could never sparkling in the sun? hear Cathie say those words again. Is that your sigh I hear That was “then.” 15 years later, I am whispering in the leaves? able to hear those words and as I Are those your tears I feel hand out the “goodies,” I inwardly raining on my cheek? thank them for letting me remember when Cathie did go Trick or Treating Oh, Baby, where did you go? and had so much fun…and for Why are my arms so empty? having those oh-so-very-good- Why is my heart so full? memories. Because they are good memories now. And it’s all those Oh, Baby, so tiny, yet so strong, good memories that keep me going… where are you now? even after all these years. Here, here in my heart; in my very being. By Cheri Gordon TCF, N. Dade/S. Broward, FL Here in my life… never to be cast away, never to be forgotten. Oh, Baby…I love you.

By Darcie D. Sims Reprinted from TCF, Portland, OR, newsletter Life is easier than you think. All you have to do is accept the impossible, do without the indispensable, and bear the intolerable.

Robert Frost Where Do I Go?

Now that you’re gone, where do I go Where do I go to see your fair smile to share all my years of wisdom to hear your tingling giggle to find someone who’ll tell me truth to smell your dank hair after a swim to answer the phone that won’t ring to listen to your questions to tell you I’m sorry to touch your gentle cheek to know that I am loved and Masques to the innermost reaches of my heart to pour out my love and my tears? to where we are always together.

In idle conversation, By Marcia Alig You ask me about my children. TCF, Mercer Area Chapter, NJ You are an acquaintance. I do not know you well, And so I speak happily of joys, Light heartedly of mischief, But I do not speak of death.

I do not want to see The shadow of uncertainty Pass your face And feel the awkward silence that Falls like a curtain between us. I do not want to say, “It’s okay, that was A long time ago.” It will never be quite “okay” And sometimes it seems Like yesterday.

And so, I take my masque Along with me through life Like a perpetual Halloween night, To hide just a bit from people And to preserve my strength. For mourning is tiring, And each time I recount That day of death, I am a little wearied. I would rather speak Of the joys of his life Than the sorrows of his death, To strangers who absently ask Of children.

Yet, tragedy is more universal Than ever I had known Before it touched my life. And so at times, I wonder Who else looks out from behind A masque.

By Karen Nelson TCF, Box Elder County Chapter Brigham City, UT

I shall go to the pictures that hold you forever to the books we shared to the music you taught me to love to the woods we explored as one to the memories that never fail The Child Who Wasn’t Perfect

building will be on yourNon-Profit right. Use Organization the northeast entrance of the churchU.S. with Postage the covered Paid circular drive. There is aPermit security #2321 guard on duty. ChurchFort phone: Worth, 817-281-0773 Texas 2501 Millikin Drive Arlington, TX 76012 Dated Material ADDRESS SERVICE REQUESTED

October 2012

Fort Worth Chapter October Meeting

Date: October 9, 2012

Check In: 7:00 P.M.

Program Time: 7:30 P.M.

Program: Holiday Panel Discussion: “Handling the Holidays” To those of you who are newly bereaved and receiving our newsletter for the first time, Room 217, The Hills Church of Christ we warmly welcome you to The Compassionate Friends. 6300 NE Loop 820, North Richland Hills We are a self-help organization Temporary Driving Directions of parents, grandparents and adult siblings while the Meadow Lakes/Iron Horse exit and bridge who have experienced the death of a loved one. are under construction through May 2013 We offer understanding and support through our monthly meetings, a lending library, From Eastbound NE Loop 820: exit Rufe Snow Dr. and support materials and loving telephone listeners. turn right (south) at the signal. Please do not be afraid to come to a gathering. From Westbound NE Loop 820: exit Rufe Snow Dr. and Every other person in the room turn left (south) at the signal, crossing IH-820. has lost a child, grandchild or sibling. They come because they feel the need Go to Meadow Lakes Dr. (first signal light on Rufe Snow to be with someone else who understands. Dr.), turn right and go ½ mile, the parking lot and We know it takes courage to attend that first gathering, There are no dues or fees and you do not have to speak. but those who do come find an atmosphere There is a special feeling at meetings of understanding from others who have experienced of The Compassionate Friends. the grief that you have now. Nothing is asked of you. We meet the second Tuesday of every month.