Celebrate Love Weekend Phase I

CL3B – TRUST: IRRESPONSIBILITY

DETAILS

Saturday 2:20 pm 35 min (including inventory)

OBJECTIVES

. To illustrate how irresponsibility leads to break down in trust. STRUCTURE

1. Introduction

2. Irresponsibility – definition

3. Masculine Domestic Irresponsibility – family life

4. Feminine Financial Irresponsibility – finances

5. Overcoming Irresponsibility

6. Inventory

KEY TEACHING POINTS

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 1 CL3B - TRUST — IRRESPONSIBILITY

INTRODUCTION Level of trust sets Trust is foundational in our relationship; in fact, the level of our level of intimacy intimacy and belonging is directly related to the level of trust between us. 2 things destroy trust: There are two things that destroy trust; irresponsibility and control. irresponsibility and We would like to look at these in turn, and then explore ways of control increasing our trust, so that our relationship can enjoy greater possibilities of intimacy and belonging. Explore these issues After you have explored these issues together in your own lives, a and then reconcile. simple reconciliation process will give you the opportunity to seek forgiveness from each other for any hurts that may have surfaced.

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 2 IRRESPONSIBILITY Irresponsibility = Lets start by examining the first area, irresponsibility. By failure to take ‘irresponsibility’ we’re talking about where we fail to take full sufficient responsibility responsibility in our relationship. Not extremes The irresponsibility we are talking about is not of the extreme variety; we are all responsible people, more so than most. While it is easy to recognise irresponsibility in its extremes, such as the abandonment of one’s spouse and children or the unregulated consumption of the family’s financial resources, irresponsibility can be harmful in even more subtle ways. Too responsible in The irresponsibility about which we are talking is often a result of us other areas being too responsible in other areas. We often fall into ie neglect spouse irresponsibility by, being too responsible in other areas; we putting too exclusive a focus on one of our other responsibilities, such as, an overemphasis on parenting, or a concentration on the material support aspects, so What we mean by irresponsibility is that we tend to leave the primary responsibility for developing a specific part of our relationship up to our spouse. This is what damages our trust and hurts our beloved Common in good This is very common for all, even the very best, married relationships marriages b/c of masc because it arises from the very nature of masculine and feminine and fem strengths  specialization strengths. These strengths lead us naturally into specialisation in the relationship. He takes the primary responsibility in this area, she in that. Masculine strengths: One of the strengths of masculinity, is the drive to protect and physical strength, provide. Combined with his physical strength, analytical capacity and analytical, emotional detachment. ability to detach emotionally, this drive equips him well for the demands of material provision. Feminine features: A feature of femininity is the desire to nurture and nourish. A nurture, nourish, woman’s body is even built to help her accomplish this; her womb, emotional connection. breasts and her capacity for emotional connection help her to excel in the care of the family members. Generalisations Now, we know that there are women with highly analytical brains, and men that are brilliant in the nurture and care of their children. So we do not want to imply that this is the only pattern of masculinity and femininity. While this pattern is generally the case for the majority of couples, every person is unique and individual and there

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 3 will be variations in how strongly the masculine or feminine traits are expressed. If you are in a reverse situation, such that the woman is the primary provider and the husband the primary carer, there is just as much potential for irresponsibility. Take the insights, and translate them into your situation. Specialization  What starts out as useful specialisation, drawing on the inherent polarisation strengths of masculinity and femininity each spouse, can deteriorate into polarisation. In polarisation we sit at opposite ends of the spectrum, feeling alone and abandoned by the other to manage and worry about some aspect of our relationship or family life.  experience of In this abandonment, even though unintentional, we judge the other abandonment, as being indifferent and uncaring. We feel alone and undervalued by loneliness our spouse.  loss of trust When we feel the other spouse is being irresponsible unresponsive in an area of our lives that is important to us, it hurts, and it’s it is hard to trust them to really be there for us. Gender differences This irresponsibility does not occur by malicious intention but, can lead to isolation. Rather it comes about because we are focusing on our own areas of responsibility. While in an industrial society specialisation has economic merit, in relationship it quickly leads to isolation and a breakdown in trust. Gender bias in Because this is so deeply ingrained in our masculine and feminine patterns of differences are deeply ingrained, it is helpful to look at very common irresponsibility patterns of what we call in general terms ‘masculine or feminine irresponsibility’ for men and women. These behaviour patterns are Are so common, they are often taken as so embedded in our culture and our lifestyles that, not only do we not normal name our behaviours for what they are, but we generally fail to recognise them as harmful to each other and our marriage. They can be taken as ‘normal’. Review 2 forms – there We will address the only two most common forms of irresponsibility. may be others for you. There are many others that may be part of your marriage, so the questions at the end will allow for you to explore the topic in your relationship more fully. MASCULINE DOMESTIC IRRESPONSIBILITY Team Husband should give this section. Personalise where possible. Family irresponsibility One way in which we men tend to be irresponsible in our marriages is the way we withdraw from involvement with the family and the

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 4 home, including a general irresponsibility about how many and when to have children. We tend not to take sufficient responsibility of this very important aspect of our relationship. Taking responsibility Taking responsibility in the family or home does not mean doing our in family not mean fair an equal share of the jobs; it’s not a nappy count. Taking on doing equal jobs. some of the activities is important but the real investment is in taking part in the decision making, being emotionally invested in the family life and the running of the home. Decision making and It means more than just shovelling the food into the children's mouth emotional investment or running the vacuum over the floor feeding the children or doing is more important. some house cleaning occasionally. We need to be engaged in the decision making and responsive to our wife’s values in keeping the home and family. a part of the decision of what they should eat tonight or when the home needs cleaning. It means more than helping out with the homework or washing; we need to take the initiative sometimes, be anticipate the stress points that will hit our wife in the lead up to a big family event, be sensitised to her anxieties about one of the kids. How do you withdraw? What are some of the There are typically two ways that men Withdraw in 2 ways. withdraw from involvement in the family and home. Physical –not at home. Physical withdrawal.

Sometimes we are not physically at home. Or if we are, we’re not in the part of the home where the family is.

Lots of things can be used to avoid intimacy with the family by physically removing ourselves. Such as:

• Working back late. • Having drinks after work. Drinking with the boys • Getting lost in the home renovations • Hiding out in our the shed or study • Using recreational commitments (golf, football, poker, the club etc)

It’s not that these things are necessarily wrong, it’s that when they are used, consciously or subconsciously, to avoid the responsibility of home and family, they will be causing pain to our wife. We have to ask ourselves if the benefits of these activities outweigh the cost to our relationship.

Being engaged in family life takes time. If we are not spending the time in the home, engaged and participating, our families are going

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 5 to move on without us. Emotionally withdrawn We can also be Are we emotionally absent; we’re present physically but just not engaged. Do we leave our wives to make all the decisions about the family and the home, organise all their activities, worry about their schooling, who they are dating, or whether there are clean shirts for Monday? Are we a partner or How much real thought do we give to the care of the family or the just a helper? home? For example, do we dutifully talk to an upset teenager when asked, but leave it to our wives to notice that the teen is needing attention? In other words, are we a partner, or just a helper? Family planning How responsible are we really when it comes to family planning, in the decisions about pregnancy or adoption? Number and spacing – Are we emotionally invested in the decision on the number and a discernment or a spacing of children? If we do participate, is it an informed discussion compromise? and active discernment? Or a compromise? She’s often If the decision is ‘no children right now’, do we think it's up to her to responsible for the ensure we don't get pregnant. If you had an unintended pregnancy, method of family planning. would you be subconsciously blaming her for it? Sharing CL3B-1: team husband, 2 minutes. Give 2 –3 one example of how you are irresponsible. Eg, family planning, parenting, preparing for childbirth, decisions about the kids, maintaining the home, family events (birthdays, present buying etc ), etc. Illustrate with a brief example/story of a recent incident. Explain how your irresponsibility hurts your spouse. Give ½ minute to describing how she feels, so that other wives can identify with the feelings. Illustrate how most of these areas are in some way related to nurturing relationship, eg gift giving is part of building relationship, of demonstrating care for

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 6 others. Include family planning as one example. Irresponsibility often The point is not that we have to take responsibility for everything but in areas important to rather that there are areas were we generally take no responsibility. blding r/s. These more often or not can be relational areas which are particularly important to our wife. Don’t intend to Good men never intend to abandon their wives to deal with the abandon wives. family home… in many ways leaving them feeling like single Give things instead of mothers… but we do. We think we're providing for them, but all too ourselves. often we're giving them things instead of ourselves. We work so hard we have nothing left to give when we get home. Look for masculine Often we fall into the trap of looking for our masculine identity and identity outside the self-esteem outside the home. In truth nothing, not the things we home. own, nor the power we have, nor the money we make can convince us that we are good men. Only the delighted enthusiasm of our beloved wives when they hear our voice or hold us in their arms will do that. Irresponsibility leads The consequence of our irresponsibility in this area is disconnection women to become and irrelevance; our wives no longer trust us to be available to them controlling. or the things that matter to them. So, they take over the family and home with gritted determination and we no longer feel welcome, or needed. We become an optional extra rather but not an essential element.

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 7 FEMININE FINANCIAL IRRESPONSIBILITY Team Wife should give this section. Fem irresp = financial The A common area of feminine equivalent for irresponsibility to be is how we abandon our husbands in the area of material provision for our families. Not an accounting We want to emphasise that this is not about working women or game equal opportunity. This is about understanding the deeply felt need by a man to protect his family from financial hardship. It’s not about Who ‘carries the being in charge. It’s about being able to fulfil his role as protector and burden’? provider.

Now before we react defensively with “we too have a job” or “together we decided I should stay at home”. It’s not an accounting game, just as it isn’t a nappy count for the men.

The key question is: Who in our relationship feels they carry the burden in this area? When all is said and done its up to them?

In almost all marriages, it’s the husband, and in the rare cases where he doesn’t, he is often plagued with a gnawing sense of utter failure. It is a fundamentally masculine drive to be able to protect and provide for his family. Whether he wants to or not, a man will tend to evaluate his worth by how well he can fulfil this role. A man who feels needed, who feels valued for this role, will be alive in his masculinity. Somebody else fulfilling this role does not appease this need –it just makes him feel irrelevant. How women are irresp How are wives financially irresponsible? There are a number of different ways that women can inadvertently cause pain to their husbands in this area. Amount of spending It could be simply, the amount of our spending - our lifestyle compared to his. We only have to review the amount of wardrobe space we have compared to our husbands. Being extravagant and insensitive to the family budget puts him under unnecessary strain. Often our husbands feel frustrated by our carelessness and indifference. Attitude of Do we communicate dissatisfaction Another way is being dissatisfied dissatisfaction with with our life-style. Do Our husbands can feel that they are

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 8 lifestyle unappreciated for their efforts or and resented for their efforts. How much Being respected do we have for our husbands and the and valued for the living they provide is very important to a man. Lifestyle expectations Sometimes our life-style expectations are just too high. We all too  sense of failure in often expect to have a lifestyle that makes Our husbands can feel husband like they are failing, even if we never intend to pass on any blame. Valuing earnings over When we buy into this ‘financial irresponsibility’ Sometimes we fail to character affirm our husband’s interior worth, as a person with value independent of his earning capacity. For example, Even the comments we make about a sister’s or daughter’s date can betray our attitudes; we talk about a man having ‘good prospects’. Often, because we value his earning capacity is valued more highly than his character. Attitude to job What about our attitude to the job? Even when both husband and wife are working, it doesn't automatically follow that they are both delete this??? equally sharing the financial burden. Most men would love to have a job that meant that their wives had the option not to work outside the home. I don’t think that figures in a lot of wives thinking – we assume that he actually wants to work in paid employment! Men worry constantly Likewise, Most men are constantly worrying about not only their own about retirement, retirement planning but also how they can help provide for their providing for children and family children financially. While we women give this some thought from time to time, it is not constantly in the back of our consciousness in the same way it is for our men. Budgeting, planning How committed are we to the family budget? How invested in the planning for our financial security? Often our husbands feel frustrated by our carelessness and indifference. Sharing CL3B-2: Team Wife, 2 minutes Give 1 -2 an example of how you are irresponsible. Look at areas of financial planning, lifestyle expectations (always dissatisfied with what you have), irresponsibility about budgeting, resentment towards the demands of his job, pushing him to more aggressive at work in order to get promoted

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 9 etc. Give a recent example/story to illustrate. Describe how it emasculates your husband by making him feel a failure. Describe his feelings in detail, his desperation, hopelessness, utter exhaustion or whatever. Your sharing should bring wives to a real sense of compassion for their husbands. Expectations not It’s not what a man can and cannot provide in absolute terms that absolute makes our husbands feel a failure, it’s how well they do against the expectations of the key people in their life, especially their wife. Sense of success depends on It's as easy for the man on the poverty line to feel a success as it is responsiveness and for the high flying professional to feel a failure. It just depends on appreciation by wife. how appreciative their wives are of their efforts to provide.

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 10 OVERCOMING IRRESPONSIBILITY Men and women Men and women experience irresponsibility differently. For a woman, experience the pain of irresponsibility is related to abandonment – she feels irresponsibility differently vulnerable and unprotected. For a man, the pain is more to do with a sense of failure and impotency – he just can’t seem to please her. This makes it hard for us to understand the pain we cause - we just don’t get it. We think our spouse is over-reacting or too involved.

The problem is, the more irresponsible we are, the more our spouse becomes enmeshed in either the family & home or in work because this is where they feel valued and needed. More responsive The antidote to irresponsibility is to be more responsive. To be more attentive and engaged in the emotional burden of your spouse’s responsibility. Sharing CL3B-3: Team Wife, 1 minute. Give 1-2 an example of how your spouse is responsive in the family or home life. Share how you felt. Bring out how it tenderises you, affirms you, focusing on feelings, on the sense of relief when the burden is shared. Sharing CL3B-4: Team Husband, 1 minute. Give 1-2 an example of how your spouse is responsive in the financial aspect. Share how you felt. Bring out how it tenderises you, affirms you, focusing on feelings, on the sense of relief when the burden is shared. Describe how you feel to know that you are more important to her than the things in your life. More responsive = Sometimes, there will always be an imbalance in the level of being attuned to the responsibility we are able to take. emotional and psychological burden

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 11 of the other. For example, husbands can’t deliver the babies, but they can be more responsive and present to their wives during pregnancy & childbirth. Likewise, wives can’t always share all the responsibility a man typically carries to ensure the family’s financial security, but they can be more responsive by being attuned to the emotional and psychological burden he carries. Have to invite the Remember to invite the other back in to each other’s area of other back speciality. Team wife Have let husband For example, if a husband has been more absent from family life father his way. than he should be, then its quite likely he is now feeling irrelevant, perhaps a little inadequate and unwelcome. We women really have to help here. Men have need to be welcomed back. They have to be allowed to fail, to break a few dishes, to rough house with the boys, even in the living room. They have to be allowed to father their children, to love the way a man loves, physically, the way they love their wives. If we want them back we have to give them some room to be involved. Team husband Have to let wives Likewise if our wives are trying to understand some of our concerns participate. around the material financial security of the family, indicating to her that it’s better left up to you to worry about is not a helpful response. Don’t patronise her. but Patiently explain the financial situation, and find a way that she can participate. A good place to start is to tell her how she can better support you – what helps you to feel appreciated and valued.

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 12 INVENTORY PART I - IRRESPONSIBILITY Gear Shift – change posture and pace. There is a Reflection Point for you on page 27. We’ll give you a few minutes to do that.

Don’t share at this time. Allow 2-3 minutes. Swap presenters while couples write.

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 13 CL3B TRUST — IRRESPONSIBILITY - SHARINGS

Sharing CL3B- 1 Page 4 – Masculine Irresponsibility Purpose To illustrate how masc. irresponsibility hurts relationship Instructions Team husband, 2 minutes. Give an example of how you are irresponsible. Eg, family planning, parenting, preparing for childbirth, decisions about the kids, maintaining the home, family events (birthdays, present buying etc ), etc. Illustrate with a brief example/story of a recent incident. Explain how your irresponsibility hurts your spouse. Give ½ minute to describing how she feels, so that other wives can identify with the feelings. Illustrate how most of these areas are in some way related to nurturing relationship, eg gift giving is part of building relationship, of demonstrating care for others. Include family planning as one example. Notes/Tips Example 1 (Michael) I quite enjoy cooking and used to pride myself on the fact that when I was home I would cook. I remember vividly when Tricia first shared with me, in fact she pleaded, that even though she really appreciated the help with the meal, what she really wanted was a break from the decision making and organising, It came as a real revelation to me that I was not really taking responsibility for making sure the family were well fed and that their diverse range in tastes were all being met and that meal time was the special family event we wanted – not the erupting battle ground it can be. To leave Tricia responsible, on her own, for such a core part of our family life is unfair and undermines the real importance of this activity. Not that by my organising one meal every two weeks is really fair either, but by taking the initiative occasionally, I let Tricia know I understand and appreciate her effort – this supports and invigorates her well beyond meal time. Another area where I find I am irresponsible is gift giving and special occasions. As individuals, Tricia and I both value relationships a great deal, where these overlap with our relationship to each other is a key part of our oneness as a couple in marriage. Tricia is one of 7 children and I am one of 9, many with partners and children themselves, so between birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, first communions etc – you get the picture – lots and lots of cards to send, phone calls to make and presents to buy, But how often do I do any of these? I can tell you – not very often. Frequently, I’m thanked for a gift when I don’t know what it is. By leaving Tricia totally responsible for our relationships, I am being incredibly irresponsible. I load her, not just with the physical effort, but the emotional responsibility of getting such an important area of our life right. What a burden to expect the person I love most in the world to carry on her own. Example 2 Example 3

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 14 Sharing CL3B- 2 Page 9 – Feminine Irresponsibility Purpose To illustrate how fem. irresponsibility hurts relationship Instructions Team wife, 2 minutes. Give an example of how you are irresponsible. Look at areas of financial planning, lifestyle expectations (always dissatisfied with what you have), irresponsibility about budgeting, resentment towards the demands of his job, pushing him to more aggressive at work in order to get promoted etc. Give a recent example/story to illustrate. Describe how it emasculates your husband by making him feel a failure. Describe his feelings in detail, his desperation, hopelessness, utter exhaustion or whatever. Your sharing should bring wives to a real sense of compassion for their husbands Notes/Tips . Example 1 (Fran) One way I make a "success object" of Byron is by the lifestyle expectations I have from Byron's job. Byron's work rewards well and we enjoy the privileges (overseas travel, nice hotels etc), but I resent the demands it makes. This puts Byron under enormous pressure, when work and I are both fighting for our pound of flesh. I thought I was actually pretty responsible in this area because I have been raised with a strong sense of budgeting and avoiding waste. My parents taught me to save, and to work for treats, so I have always been reluctant about the excesses of spending – like on our wedding. My poor mother was about to visit the St Vincent de Paul shops for a wedding dress, because I refused to pay more than $500. But being frugal is not the same as being responsible, so I discovered in two important incidents. The first was when we were living in NY. I had a part time job in a lab at Columbia university, but it was a bit of a disappointment. After 3 months, I quit to enrol in MA at Fordham. I couldn’t even discuss it with Byron because he travelling on business. In one afternoon, I committed him to about $11,000 of university fees and closed the door on about $15,000 of wages. It’s a bit embarrassing really. The second incident that drove home my financial irresponsibility was when we bought our first home. It took six months of hunting, inspecting, deliberating, adjusting to disappointments etc. It was enormously time consuming and energy zapping, especially for me since I used to do all the background work and screening prior to taking Byron on a tour of 4-5 places each Saturday. When we finally bought, my feeling was a sense of relief - the ordeal was over. For Byron though, the feeling was "gulp" as he had just mortgaged the next twenty years of his working life. For me there was a release of pressure, for Byron there was a new weight of pressure to deal with. These two incidents, highlight for me, how out of touch I can be to Byron’s concerns. Example 2 (Tricia) We have had our business for 20 years. For 10 years, I was the practice manager. Michael spends many hours a week consulting – which is one thing I am not qualified to do, so I cannot lift his burden there, Michael also does our overall financial planning. I could do some of that, but it wouldn’t necessarily lift his burden as it is not an area of my expertise. Since leaving the practice, one area I could take over some financial responsibility was in our private bookkeeping and accounting. It is the one place where I could save him time and effort – the bottom line is if I don’t do it, he has to. It is an area where I show irresponsibility. I can’t explain it, I don’t particularly enjoy it and I can be the world’s best procrastinator when it comes to doing things I don’t enjoy.

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 15 When I am irresponsible in this area it adds an inordinate amount of extra pressure on Michael. It is not just the 3 hours or so of work that is now behind – the burden of those extra 3 hours on top of an already overly heavy workload is almost too much for him to bear. When I fail to share that responsibility, the pain in his eyes is almost palpable. I feel myself recoil from his disappointment. He feels not only abandoned by me, but that all his efforts, his hours, his study, his consultations, are automatically devalued. His desperation and utter exhaustion at having to do something that I should have adds an unnecessary dimension of pain to the one I love most. Example 3

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 16 Sharing CL3B- 3 Page 11 – Masculine Responsiveness – wife’s experience Purpose To illustrate how masc. responsibility communicates love. Instructions Team wife, 1 minute. Give an example of how your spouse is responsive in the family or home life. Share how you felt. Bring out how it tenderises you, affirms you, focusing on feelings, on the sense of relief when the burden is shared. Notes/Tips . Example 1 (Fran) When I see Byron invested in our family life the relief is like a tidal wave of tension draining out of my body. I feel appreciated and respected. I feel valued for what I contribute in the home, and I find I enjoy it more. There’s less resentment, less jealousy – I don’t feel like I’m missing out by not having paid work. I also feel more open to having more children because I trust Byron to support me and help me with raising them. I experience the children we have, not as a burden but rather as a joint project, something which brings us together. I especially appreciate how Byron regularly sacrifices his sleep to do the night shift with a restless toddler. I feel so grateful to him, so humbled by his love. I want to respond with my own generous gift in some way, usually something physical, like a massage, passionate lovemaking, or making free time for him to enjoy to himself. Example 2 (Tricia) When Michael is responsive in relationship issues, the relief I feel is profound. With gift giving, I was carrying a heavy burden for so long, I even felt guilty if I forgot to ring one of Michael’s family on their birthday. Michael has now taken over responsibility for contacting his family on their birthdays, which is a huge help. It not only lifts the load for me, but I know we are both working on our family relationships together. Earlier this year, Mother’s Day was fast approaching. Usually that means dropping heavy hints about what he can buy me as well as buying something thoughtful and meaningful for each of our mothers. This year, Michael shocked me – without warning, he told me he was going shopping for both our mothers’ gifts. It may seem simple, but the energy lift I felt was fantastic. I suddenly had this unexpected release – not that the task is onerous, but the isolation of having to think up something year after year disappeared. I felt relieved and nurtured, resulting in an increase in the tenderness I felt towards Michael. I know there was a marked increase in kisses, cuddles and lovemaking around this time. Example 3

Celebrate Love Seminar (2007) CL3B Trust - Irresponsibility 20.11.07 Page 17 Sharing CL3B- 4 Page 11 – Feminine Responsiveness – husband’s experience Purpose To illustrate how fem. responsibility communicates love. Instructions Team husband, 1 minute. Give an example of how your spouse is responsive in the financial aspect. Share how you felt. Bring out how it tenderises you, affirms you, focusing on feelings, on the sense of relief when the burden is shared. Describe how you feel to know that you are more important to her than the things in your life. Notes/Tips . Example 1 (Byron) When Francine takes responsibility when he supports me in the responsibility I have… not undertakes the task for me. Having the freedom to work late when I need to rather than trying to burn the candle at both ends; not getting upset when I need to be out of town more than we’d like or unexpectedly. Allowing me the freedom to go to Melbourne the night before rather than the 6:00am flight. All these small acts are her way of sharing in the responsibility or burden I carry. I find this enormously affirming; it says what you are doing is important for us and I will assist you in that – rather than you are irresponsible because you let your work cut into my and the children’s time with you. Its freeing too. It takes a load off my shoulders. Now I have only one thing to worry about not two. Now I’m doing something that is appreciated and not resented. Example 2 (Michael) When Tricia is responsible with our financial matters, I feel an incredible relief. Not just ‘whew’ it’s done, which is really great having the burden shared, but I also feel cared for by the one that really counts, that all the effort I have put in over many years is appreciated – that Tricia really values me above all the other things she would prefer to do with that time – that I am number one to her – it makes me feel what she always tells me, that she loves me. An example of a time when Tricia was responsive was when I rang her to tell her that I was going to have to work on Saturday morning, because no- one else could possibly do it. I rang, not so that I did not have to face her, but to let her know as soon as possible so she could plan around this. When she was responsive to my disappointment and understanding of the necessity, rather than loading me with guilt, I felt a real peace. The tensions of balancing conflicting responsibilities eased. I had a great sense of unity in sharing the burden of my work and our parenting. What had been a problem when I picked up the phone had become a growth experience for our relationship by the time I put it down. Example 3

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