This Week in Lab I Realized That I Was Evaluating My Thoughts As Lesser Than Everyone

Reflection #7

This week in lab I realized that I was evaluating my thoughts as lesser than everyone else’s at two different times. When we were asked to give Belinda feedback about how her words in a previous lab had impacted us, and then when we were asked to give Belinda feedback about how her words in the current lab had impacted us. The previous lab her words had been about her view of women and her words in the current lab had been about how she saw herself in lab (as lesser and the one being judged). I realized that I considered my reaction to those two moments as “not impactful.” It seems I considered a certain response

(everyone else’s) as impactful. It was as though in order for my reaction and what went on inside of me to be considered impactful, it had to trigger strong emotions in me. I disqualified myself and then actually felt bad about myself for not experiencing the “right” reaction and impact. It was good to see another way that my rigidity can manifest itself. There is no “right” reaction or way to be impacted by something, and there is no “right” emotional response. I don’t know if this is making any sense, maybe it will help if I explain one example of what I thought the “right” response was.

For feedback about the previous lab and how it impacted us, I considered the “right” response for it to either have impacted me in the same way it impacted Sally, or for me to have been upset about the way everything happened like Allie. Instead, it simply impacted me by causing me to reflect on my own life and the fact that what she said didn’t bother me at all because I have experienced that view. Men have said those same words to me all my life growing up and so I have become calloused and believed that as a woman I am lesser. So I was impacted. Notice I put the word “simply” above which shows that I still in a sense view how I was impacted as not as profound or important as Allie’s or Sally’s. I have realized that my rigidity in this way keeps me from offering myself in lab. I want to give the “right” response rather than just offering my own personal response. Sometimes, if my response isn’t the “right” response, then I may keep it to myself or share it apologetically. I am actually really excited about realizing this because I feel a lot freer now realizing this and knowing at a personal level that there is no “right” response. I knew this truth already, but I just got a trickle of it into my heart!  It’s a shame I can be “POOF!” changed, but I’m excited for this baby step. 