A Guide to Thriving in a Shared Housing Situation

Home-Sharing

A Guide to Thriving in a Shared Housing Situation Home-Sharing

Home-Sharing is largely based on "A Vermonter's Guide to Homesharing," created by the Homeshare Vermont of South Burlington, Vermont. Our thanks go to that agency. You can visit them on the web at www.HomeShareVermont.org.

Acknowledgements and Disclaimer

This booklet is provided by the Committee on the Shelterless (COTS).

The information in this booklet is intended as a set of guidelines for making responsible decisions about home-sharing. However, COTS cannot guarantee the success or safety of any particular arrangement. In the event of problems or issues with home-sharing agreements or contracts, it may be advisable to contact an attorney.

3 Version: 4-2011-2 Table of Contents

Part 1: Introduction to Home-Sharing What is Home-Sharing?...... 6 Why do People Home-Share?...... 7 Is Home-Sharing for You?...... 7 For More Information...... 7

Part 2: The Economics of Home-Sharing Setting Rent……………………………………………………………………………………..8 Properly Accounting for Income Received...... 9 Services in Exchange for Rent...... 9 Some Things to Keep in Mind...... 11

Part 3: Finding the Right Match One Home-Sharer or Two?...... 12 Getting the Word Out...... 12 Screening and Making Decisions...... 13 The First Conversation—By Phone is Best...... 13 A Face-to-Face Interview...... 13 Credit Screening...... 14 About References...... 14 Criminal Screening...... 15 Second Interview...... 15 Some Things to Keep in Mind...... 16

4 Part 4: Settling In Stages of a Home-Sharing Agreement...... 17 Conflict Resolution...... 18 Protecting Your Private Information...... 18 Thriving Together...... 18

Part 5: Ending Your Home-Sharing Relationship

Part 6: Doubling-Up: Living with Family Do You Want to Double-Up?...... 22 Trial Period and Creating Your Agreement...... 24 Research the Financial and Legal Implications of Doubling-Up...... 25 Setting Up Your Physical Space...... 26 Communicate Effectively with Each Other...... 27 Last Thoughts...... 28

Appendix A Self-Questionnaire for Those Considering Home-Sharing...... 30 Sample Chore List...... 32 Weekly Chore Chart...... 33 Suggested Home-Sharing Agreement...... 34 Suggested Checklist for a First Conversation by Phone...... 37 Topics for Discussion at First Interview...... 38 Reference Names Checklist...... 39 Reference Check Questions...... 40 Checklist for Home-Providers...... 41 Checklist for Home-Seekers...... 42 Emergency Information Form...... 43 Suggestions to Cope with Disillusionment...... 45 Conflict Resolution Suggestions...... 46

5 Part 1 Introduction to Home-Sharing

What is Home-Sharing? Home-sharing is an arrangement where two or more unrelated people share a house or an apartment to their mutual advantage. Those who home-share enter into a business and personal relationship with each other.

In a home-sharing agreement, each person has a private bedroom, and may have additional private areas--a bathroom or an office, for example. Common living areas such as the kitchen, living room and yard are shared.

Household responsibilities can be shared, or services can be exchanged for a reduced or free rent, depending on the needs and wishes of the parties involved.

The following terms will be used throughout this guide:

Home-Provider: A person who wants to share the home he/she owns or rents from a landlord1.

Home-Seeker: A person who is looking for housing, and is open to sharing someone’s home; a home-seeker may also be someone who is searching for a rental to share with one or more adults who will share the rights and responsibilities of a rental agreement.

Home-Sharer: Former home-seeker, now living with a home-provider, or a former home-seeker living with another former home-seeker.

The information in this booklet is directed toward both home-providers and home-seekers. Our materials will help you screen and choose a home-sharing partner in a way that will reduce the safety risks that are inherent in the process. Additionally, we provide screening materials and forms and suggestions to increase your chances of creating a routine and a relationship with your home-sharer that is pleasant and mutually beneficial.

6 1 It is important to note that if you are a renter hoping to add a resident or residents to your current address, you must have your landlord's permission to do so, preferably in writing. Additionally, if you enter an agreement where you are the master tenant (someone who collects rent from other tenants and writes a single check to a landlord) you may want to talk with a tax professional about how to account for your income and expenses. Why do People Home-Share? There are many motivations for sharing a home, but a big one is to save money--especially now, in this tough economy. At this writing in late 2009, 13 percent of American home-owners are behind in their mortgage payments. Many face foreclosure1. California has been hit harder by the foreclosure crisis than have most other states. Home-sharing, by increasing the income you have available to pay your mortgage, and by decreasing your monthly costs, might be the solution you need if you are a home-owner having problems making ends meet. If you are an individual looking for a rental, home-sharing is often less expensive than renting your own place.

Additionally, home-sharing can offer other benefits. Some people like having someone around the house for conversation and security. Some people need help dealing with daily household chores.

Is Home-Sharing for You? For all its benefits, home-sharing is not necessarily a good fit for everyone, so to begin answering this question, think about your past shared living arrangements. They may have been long ago when you were a child, or they may have been more recent experiences with family, friends, acquaintances or strangers. It may be helpful to take some notes, focusing on what you think worked and did not work in those situations.

It’s unlikely that any of your past experiences were completely positive. You may have mixed feelings about sharing housing. These feelings can help you determine what is important to you-- whether you want to share housing at all, and/or what’s important in a shared housing relationship.

Perhaps the most difficult part of opening ourselves to home-sharing is not knowing how to make the best possible match. Every relationship we enter into involves risk, but there is much you can do to minimize your risks when you enter into a home-sharing arrangement.

To get a broad overview of the issues you should consider, complete the Self-Questionnaire for Those Considering Home-Sharing (page 30) which can be found in the appendix.

7 For More Information There are hundreds of agencies across the country which provide assistance and/or information about home-sharing. For more information, a good place to start is the National Shared Housing Resource Center’s website at www.nationalsharedhousing.org.

1 Associated Press, “Mortgage Delinquencies Hit Record High in Q2,” by Alan Zibel, August 20, 2009 Part 2 The Economics of Home-Sharing

This section offers some practical advice for the home-owner on establishing rent, and on properly reporting any income and expenses a rental brings you.

Setting Rent How to determine a fair rent for the home-sharing arrangement you are offering?

First, think about the amenities your home provides. How big would your home-sharer’s room be? Would your home-sharer have his /her own bathroom? Where is your home located? Is it a convenient and desirable location? Would the home-sharer have access to time-saving appliances like a washing machine and dryer, or a dishwasher? What access would the home-sharer have to other rooms in your home, and could he/she contribute to the furnishings of rooms other than his/her bedroom? Is your home in good repair? You may also want to visit the website www.splittherent.org, which was created by Harvard Astrophysics graduate student Jonathan Bittner. Bittner provides an online calculator which takes square footage and amenities into account.

Then, go online to www.craigslist.org. Navigate to your area and compare costs for shared rentals and the costs of studios and one bedroom apartments. It’s a good idea to make your rent competitive with similar offerings. If you are asking for a rent that is more expensive than a unit someone could live in alone, it is unlikely that you will have many people interested in your rental.

Generally, if one person owns a home and is renting to a home-sharer, the home-owner, who, after all, has equity in the property and maintains personal control over a larger part of the house than a home-sharer, bears a larger responsibility for maintaining it financially. Therefore, the home-owner usually bears a larger share of the cost of home management than the home-sharer, 8 and the home-owner does not expect to split costs exactly down the middle with the home- sharer. As of this writing in late 2009, most shared rentals in the North Bay range from $450 to $800 per month.

It is important to be very clear about the rent you are setting and what that rent includes. For example, are electricity and gas included? Do you plan to split your cable bill, or is use of the television included? The Suggested Home-Sharing Agreement (page 34) and Suggested Checklist for a First Conversation by Phone (p. 37) provided in the appendix will help you to anticipate all the expenses involved in sharing housing.

Properly Accounting for Income Received If you are a home-provider who is charging rent, you must claim your rental income on your taxes. If you are accepting services in lieu of full or partial rent, you may need to report those services as compensation. Please consult IRS Publication 527, “Residential Rental Property,” for information about what you must report and what expenses you may deduct. Please note that you are eligible to deduct fewer expenses than a landlord who is not sharing the premises with a tenant. On your California taxes, you must complete Schedule 9110, which also differentiates between owner-occupied and non-owner occupied rentals.

Additionally, if you receive any public benefits, such as food stamps, or any other program that is income-contingent, you must report the change in income to the appropriate agency.

Services in Exchange for Rent Typically, people who share housing work out a list of chores necessary for upkeep of the home and divide them. A home-sharer who pays rent is responsible, at a minimum, for maintaining his or her room, and for cleaning up after him or herself following use of the common areas. In the appendix you will find a Sample Chore List (page 32). Many home-sharing situations have an exchange of services arrangement, where the home-sharer provides services to the home- provider for reduced or free rent. An exchange of services is an excellent way to save money for both parties. The home-provider does not have to contract for services outside of the home, and the home-sharer pays a lower rent (or no rent).

The key to a successful exchange of services is communication and clear expectations. It is very important to clearly state in your written shared housing agreement which services will be provided, a schedule of when services will be done, and how much time should be spent on a weekly basis performing these responsibilities. See the appendix for a Suggested Home-Sharing Agreement (page 34). It may be a good idea to involve a friend, family member or social worker in the crafting of any agreement. We recommend that you use a rental agreement in addition to any home-sharing agreement. You or your landlord can find a variety of rental agreements online or in office supplies stores.

9 The National Shared Housing Resource Center offers some guidelines about fair exchange policies:

Full Exchange of Services: No rent is paid by the home-sharer; instead, he or she provides between 10 and 12 hours of service per week. A stipend should be offered if the home-sharer is providing more than 12 hours a week in service to the home-provider.

Partial Exchange of Services: A partial exchange of services is a situation where a home-sharer pays a reduced amount of rent and provides several hours of service per week.

Examples of household services the home-sharer could provide in exchange for reduced or free rent include: laundry, transportation, cooking, dishes, errands, shopping, yard work, cleaning, feeding and walking pets, watering plants, or childcare. The type of services expected will vary according to the needs of the home-provider and the household.

If you are a home-provider, you can list all the household tasks you would like the tenant to perform. It is essential to discuss this list with a potential home-sharer. It is also essential that your expectations about the time required to complete tasks are reasonable to both parties.

10 Some Things to Keep in Mind

 It is important to clearly state the tasks you want the home-sharer to provide. If you have difficulty expressing yourself, enlist a friend or a family member to help.

 Clarify that both home-provider and home-sharer have the same expectations.

 Create a written list, clearly identifying each party’s responsibilities.

 Work out a schedule when services should be done. Make sure it is realistic and fits the needs of both parties.

 Schedule at least one work-free day per week, preferably two.

 Talk about how responsibilities should be performed.

 Check in with one another on a regular basis, perhaps weekly, to see how the arrangement is working.

 Negotiate services and scheduling when necessary.

 Be flexible with one another.

 We recommend that you use a rental agreement in addition to any home-sharing agreement. You or your landlord can find a variety of rental agreements online or in office supplies stores.

11 Part 3 Finding the Right Match

Prospective home-providers and home-sharers have the most anxiety about this issue. How do you find someone who can reasonably be expected to be sane, safe, clean and pleasant to be around? Note that we say “reasonably expected.” It is important to note that you can never be completely sure that a match will be a good one, but there are some things you can do to minimize your risks and maximize your chances of success.

One Home-Sharer or Two? Under California law, if you rent a room in your house to more than one person, landlord/tenant law applies. But if you rent to only one person and still retain a right of access to the entire home, your home-sharer is ‘a lodger” in the eyes of the law. The most important aspect of this distinction is that getting rid of a home-sharer with whom you do not get along is--in theory--a much less burdensome process than a landlord would face. In practice, however, this distinction may not be very valuable to you because local courts and law enforcement are sometimes reluctant to make this distinction.

Getting the Word Out Most people turn to advertising to find a home-sharer. If you are a home-owner or someone who wants to find someone to look for a rental with you, you can list an ad for free on www.craigslist.org. Navigate to your area and then click on “shared housing.” Craigslist allows you to maintain your anonymity--a good idea until you feel more secure about the people responding to your ad. It’s a good idea to share your first name and some general idea of your neighborhood. If you are a home-seeker, you can place your own ad and peruse home providers’ ads.

But craigslist isn’t your only option. Word-of-mouth may be your most powerful ally. You can network with friends, family members, those who attend church with you, etc. Let your friends and colleagues know how you would like interested parties to contact you.

When placing an ad, be as specific as you can. State your most important needs clearly and concisely--always remembering to only give your first name and general idea of where your home is located.

12 Screening and Making Decisions It’s important not to rush the decision-making process. We recommend starting with an introductory phone call. If that goes well, you should have a face-to-face interview. Following that, it’s a good idea to check credit, rental history, references, and background. After those checks, it’s time to interview one another in the residence.

The First Conversation— By Phone is Best When you receive responses to your notice, talk with prospects over the phone to screen out those with whom you know you wouldn’t be compatible. It’s helpful to have a list of questions by the phone. You can use the Suggested Checklist for a First Conversation by Phone (page 37) in the appendix. You should also be prepared to answer just as many questions as you ask. Home-provider and home-sharer will each be eager to find a good, safe, compatible match.

If things go well during your phone conversation, you may decide to do a face-to-face interview. It’s a good idea to schedule that interview away from the home in question. A coffee shop is a good location. Make sure your location is a place where there are plenty of people around and from where you can easily leave when you want.

While you’re on the phone, it’s a good idea to suggest that your potential home-sharer bring a copy of his or her credit report to the meeting. Offer to do the same. Each of you can cover up your Social Security Numbers. Alternatively, if you are a home-provider, you may be able to run a kind of credit check on your applicant. See page 19 for more information. Finally, exchange full names if you haven’t already done so.

A Face-to-Face Interview

After the initial telephone contact with the potential home-sharer, take some time to reflect on the conversation. How do you think it went? Were you able to clearly express your most important needs? Often during the initial contact it is difficult to ask all the exploratory questions you planned to ask. Don’t worry, that is normal.

In the appendix you’ll find a suggested list of Topics for Discussion at First Interview (page 38). These questions will help you structure your conversation and assist you in obtaining important information. Bring your own list of references to the meeting. You may want to bring a friend or relative along to help you gain perspective.

13 Don’t be shy at this meeting. Remember, if you spend time clarifying each of your expectations at the beginning of the relationship, you are more likely to have a good home-sharing arrangement.

If you compare credit reports and find that your prospective home-sharer has many delinquent bills, especially housing-related bills, you may find that to be a cause for concern. Ask for an explanation. If the explanation doesn’t satisfy you, be very cautious about entering into an agreement.

Credit Screening One way for potential home-sharers to get a feel for one another’s financial stability is to look over each other’s credit reports. The easiest way to do this is to run your own reports through www.annualcreditreport.com. You are entitled to a free report from each of the three credit reporting agencies once every year.

Recent changes to the credit reporting agencies’ guidelines make it impossible for a small landlord to run an applicant’s credit report, but if you are a home-provider, you may be able to run a report through an agency that provides valuable credit history information while protecting confidential consumer information. Two such agencies are National Tenant Network (www.ntnonline.com) and E-Renter (www.e-renter.com). These agencies will provide you with a recommendation about whether to accept a potential home-sharer based on the applicant’s credit history, tenant performance, income and job history.

If you are looking for a rental with one or more prospective co-tenants, it is very important to feel comfortable about your prospective co-tenants’ capacity to pay rent and bills. A landlord will likely screen each prospective tenant’s credit; additionally, your rental agreement will stipulate that all tenants are “jointly and severally responsible” for rent and all terms of the lease. In other words, if your co-tenant does not pay the rent, your landlord will expect you to pay his or her share. Failure to do so can result in eviction proceedings.

About References Preferred references are generally a combination of employers, former employers, current or former home-sharers, and former landlords. The best references are people who have known the prospective home-sharer for at least a year and are unbiased and credible in their assessments. Do not be shy about asking your prospective home-sharer for specific references. For example, “May I speak with your current landlord?” or “May I speak with your former roommate?”

Always call references yourself. Do not accept calls from references. You can refer to the Reference Names Checklist (page 39) in the appendix while talking with references. You might mention to the references that you will keep their remarks confidential. 14 Criminal Screening After you have talked face-to-face with your prospective home-sharer and checked his or her references, you may wish to go to your local court house and check for criminal history. If so, you will need your prospective home-sharer’s full name and date of birth. You can also check www.meganslaw.ca.gov to see if your prospective home-sharer is a registered sex offender.

Additionally, if you have run a tenant performance profile with National Tenant Network, you should be able to run a criminal background check as well.

Second Interview Sort through your impressions from your interview and your screening.

If you are a home-owner and think this may be a compatible match, set up a second interview at your home. You may want to have a friend or relative join in the meeting for an added perspective. You might use the Checklist for Home-Providers (page 41) in the appendix to structure your conversation. Home-seekers will want to use the Checklist for Home-Seekers (page 42).

Agreeing to Match Your interviews have gone well, the references were all positive, and you both want to live together.

Before you move in together, consider establishing a trial period. A typical trial period is two weeks.

Once your trial period is over, you can draft your home-sharing agreement. A template Home- Sharing Agreement (page 34) can be found in the appendix. The Home-Sharing Agreement is a clear, written statement detailing what each of you will give and receive from the other.

Additionally, you will each want to complete an Emergency Information Form (page 43). Keep your forms near the main phone in the home to be given to responders if an emergency occurs.

15 Some Things to Keep in Mind

 Clearly state what you want.

 Clarify that both the home-provider and the home-seeker have the same expectations.

 Clearly identify the home-sharer’s responsibilities with a written list of services.

 Work out a schedule of when services should be done.

 Be sure to make a realistic schedule that meets the needs of everyone.

 Schedule at least one work-free day a week.

 Talk about how responsibilities should be performed (i.e., how you would like them done).

 Check in with each other on a regular basis, perhaps weekly, to see how the arrangement is working.

 Negotiate services and scheduling when necessary.

 Be flexible with one another.

 Have fun and enjoy one another.

16 Part 4 Settling In Stages of a Home-Sharing Agreement You are just beginning a new life experience that can be very rewarding--and very challenging.

Research has shown that there are several natural and predictable stages to a home-sharing relationship. The following information may be helpful to you and your home-sharer.

Most of us are familiar with the honeymoon phase of a new marriage. Home-sharing also has a honeymoon stage, during which everything goes smoothly and seems ideal. You may not notice the small ways you are different from each other at first, but those discoveries will come as time passes.

Maybe the cooking isn’t all you had hoped it would be, or it’s hard to be able to talk privately on the phone, or you thought you could live with smoking, but it makes you feel sick. It is natural, at that time, to feel annoyed or even angry and a little scared when you realize that you did not know that person quite as well as you thought you did. This is the disillusionment stage. No matter how much preparation and investigation you did beforehand, or how clear you both made the home-sharing agreement, no one ever can really know how things will go until you live together under the same roof. These are natural and predictable feelings.

You can use the Suggestions to Cope with Disillusionment (page 45). These steps can help you to avoid an angry confrontation or a painful silence or even a hasty move. Following these steps can help you and your home-sharer work through problems and difficulties while demonstrating that you respect each other’s feelings and preferences.

If you can work through the difficulties, and it’s not easy at first--you will advance to the acceptance stage. In this stage you have both come to know each other better, and have adapted to each other’s preferences and styles. Some things will be done the way one of you prefers, and, over time, you will develop practices that please you both. Acceptance grows over time, and helps you to work through the small differences that occasionally arise in any close relationship.

Good luck. Home-sharing can be fun and enriching. Remember that it is worth the effort to work through these natural, predictable stages of a relationship. Your enthusiasm and understanding can help to create a positive living environment. Enjoy each other.

17 Conflict Resolution In all relationships disagreements and problems may arise from time to time. We have all experienced conflicts with family, friends or housemates at some point. Dealing with these problems does not have to be a negative experience. The process of working through and overcoming a problem or difference can be a wonderful opportunity to strengthen your relationship and a chance for personal growth.

If a situation feels threatening or explosive, stop and take the time you need to calm down. You may need to be alone to collect your thoughts. It’s okay to set a later date and time to discuss the issue.

You may wish to utilize the Conflict Resolution Suggestions (page 46). Remember that a home-sharing arrangement is a partnership, and in a partnership each partner bears responsibility for a problem and its solutions.

Protecting Your Private Information Until you are comfortable with your home-sharer or home-provider, you may want to rent a P.O. Box. Additionally, it is a good idea for all parties to have a locked box or cabinet in which to keep private papers.

Thriving Together Most people decided to share housing in order to save money. You may qualify for cost-savings programs in your area, including food deliveries or reduced cost utilities. In Sonoma County, where this booklet was written, the easiest way to research available programs is to go to www.211wc.org. The State of California has a goal to make sure that all counties create an online service referral site by 2010, so with a little internet searching you should be able to find your county’s site.

18 Part 5 Ending Your Home-Sharing Relationship

While many home-sharing relationships last years, others end sooner. Most home-sharing relationships end because of the changing needs of at least one of the home-sharers rather than incompatibility. In your live-in agreement, you have spelled out the minimum amount of notice you will give one another if you decide to end your relationship. Consider letting your home- sharer know even earlier that you are beginning to look for another housing arrangement.

If you are a home-provider and your home-sharer fails to honor your written request to leave, you should seek advice from a lawyer or a self-help legal center on the legal steps needed to end your home-sharing agreement. Under California law, a landlord who shares a home with a renter has a lesser legal burden to rid himself of a tenant, but, in practice, that is not always the case.

19 According to the PEW Research Center:

 1 in 10 American adults ages 18 to 34 have moved back in with family in response to economic hard times.  Among those who are 25 to 34, some 20 percent live in multi-generational homes—double what the rate was in 1980.  Some 20 percent of American seniors live in multi- generational homes—an increase of three percent since 1980.

20 Part 6 Doubling-Up: Living with Family

Most of this book is devoted to helping you, the user, identify and contract with suitable home- sharing partners. The assumption is that those partners will be strangers or acquaintances.

But more and more frequently, family members are choosing to live with one another, often in multi-generational households. Think tanks and government statisticians call this “doubling-up.” According to the U.S. Census Bureau and the Bureau of Labor Statistics, multi-generational households increased by 1.6 million from 2008 to 2010, an increase of 11.6 percent, while the total number of households increased by less than one percent.

Of course, the tough economy is a big driver in the move to double-up. But so, too, are issues like security, emotional well-being, childcare and personal care.

Sharing with family can have a lot of positive results: it can afford household members a chance to catch their breath and save money; it can bring family members closer and provide needed physical or emotional support; it can help people renew and strengthen their relationships. Some studies suggest that children whose grandparents are a strong presence in their lives do better in school than their peers who do not enjoy the same close relationship with their grandparents.

The financial benefits alone can be huge. For some families, doubling-up will mean that an elder family member stays out of assisted living and that the family saves a great deal of money. Nationally, assisted living costs an average of $2500 to $3000 per month. In the North Bay Area of California, according to the California Registry, the average cost is $4200 per month.

But doubling-up provides many other economies as well. You can share food and cooking duties. If cooking is your responsibility only two nights a week, but another family member is cooking four other nights a week, you’re much less likely to spend money at restaurants. Maybe your household only needs one car, one computer, one television, etc. Maybe a teenage cousin or grandmother/grandfather can provide childcare.

In order to reap the benefits from the relationship and avoid as many pitfalls as possible, it’s important to consider and plan.

A doubled-up family must deal with all of the same issues and considerations that any home- sharers must. And then the family has to add a few more things into the mix, including, love, 21 loyalty, worry, and the family's patterns of behavior, whether healthy or not. Because of these additional concerns, doubled-up families often treat financial matters, household management, child-rearing responsibilities and privacy concerns differently than those who share housing with non-relatives.

In this chapter, we'll provide information and suggestions to help family members: 1. Determine whether they want to live with their relatives 2. Construct rules and agreements with their family home-sharers that are time-specific, and that outline expectations regarding finances, chores, schedules, privacy, and child-rearing 3. Research the financial implications of doubling-up 4. Set up their physical space in a way that will minimize opportunities for stress and conflict 5. Communicate effectively together

Do You Want to Double-Up? You may have months or years to decide this question. But it's just as likely that you'll be making this decision in a hurry—and in a time of crisis. Maybe there's been a divorce, a job loss, or an illness, and suddenly a family member is on the phone asking to move in. Maybe you're the one in the precarious position –with a car full of children and not enough money to rent an apartment.

Below are some issues to help you do a gut check before deciding if doubling-up is for you. Even if you are one of those people who would never hesitate to host family members because, as one local grandmother says, Family is family, and you do for family,” it’s a good idea to look over the issues discussed below. Thinking about them may help you craft a home-sharing agreement with your family members.

Lifestyle - Are your schedules, media habits, kitchen habits, cleaning habits, sleeping habits, etc. compatible? Blood is thicker than water, but it can boil faster, too—especially when sleep- deprived and enduring a marathon of your relative’s favorite reality television programming.

Safety - Do you feel secure with all potential household members and their guests? Do you trust them around your children? Beloved family members sometimes come with unsavory spouses, exes and/or creepy friends. Can you prevent those unsettling people from coming to your home? If not, and you feel that you would not be safe, you shouldn't share with family members—even if it means that someone gets back on his or her feet in a homeless shelter or transitional housing program.

Religious Beliefs - Will all household members be able to live and let live when it comes to religious beliefs? What about the religious beliefs of any children in the household?

22 Political Beliefs - Do holiday get-togethers turn into shouting matches over the last election, the tax structure or American foreign policy? Can all potential household members put their differences aside and agree to disagree?

Drug or Alcohol Issues - It is not an overstatement to say that living with a substance abuser can be hell. Children who live with substance abusers suffer hugely. Think hard before you subject yourself and/or your children to life with a substance abuser. At the same time, your family member may need a haven in the early days of his or her recovery. Relapses are an expected part of recovery. Can you and your potential household craft a plan to deal with relapses and keep all household members safe? When and if that plan calls for the termination of the shared housing relationship, will you be able to summon the firmness to require your family member to leave and/or seek treatment?

Financial Responsibility - Can you trust your family members to follow through with any financial commitments they make? If a sister says she'll pay the light bill, will she? If your mom invites you to live rent-free, will she still mean it in a month? Likewise, if a family member is not holding up her end of the financial bargain, will you have the courage to ask her to leave?

Sex Life - Will you be able to conduct your sex life and express your sexuality and orientation while living with family members? Obviously, any shared living situation requires that you conduct your sex life with discretion, but think hard before you enter a shared living situation where you feel you cannot be open about your identity and your life.

Personality Conflicts or Abusive Behavior - Do all potential household members treat each other politely and with respect? People can and do change. Children grow up and become more mature and considerate. Adults can learn new skills and behaviors. But there's something about being around family members that can zap us right back to old ways of behavior. Do you trust that you and your family members have put aside destructive ways of interaction? This is an especially important question, given that it is likely that turmoil in at least one potential household member's finances, health, or emotional life is prompting the move to double up and is an area of sensitivity.

A Shared Stake in the Children - Children can be the wild cards. The adults in a household can craft the Peace Treaty of Westphalia, but a kid can completely overturn it if he thinks his sister is hogging the remote. Are all potential household members on board with the fact that children don't always behave as we'd like? Do all potential household members enjoy the company of the children and want the best for them?

Pets - Do you find Rover and his energetic embraces and lusty bark as loveable as your potential housemates do? Do you want a cat on your bed, cat hair on your clothes? Could you cope if a pet

23 had an early morning accident on your clean kitchen floor? Some of us are not animal people. Some can’t live without their pets. Use the gut check to organize your thoughts prior to making the decision to join households with one or more family members. If you decide to double up, you should bring up any concerns the gut check brought up for you while you discuss your home-share agreement.

Trial Period and Creating Your Agreement If you've checked your gut and want to go ahead with doubling up, it's a good idea to have a trial period—two weeks to one month—when you see how things go. After that, if you decide you still want to go ahead, it's important to draw up an agreement. If you are a renter, it is important to check your rental agreement to see what the policy is regarding guests. Similarly, if you decide to go ahead and double up, you must get the landlord's written okay. He or she is likely to require a new rental agreement with all adult household members.

“What I wish I had done at the very beginning is to have laid out a plan,” says one Petaluma mother, who recently had to ask her 20-something son to move out of her home. “'Matthew, it’s okay if you live here with me as long as you're going to school or working.' That would have been the first thing I set in stone. As it was, I feel like I just allowed him to waste his time and get into trouble.”

“I wish that we had been clear at the beginning about nuclear family times,” says a Petaluma dad whose elderly mother-in-law moved in with his family. “Sometimes, we want a night with just us and the kids. It's hard to bring it up now. I feel like I'd be hurting her feelings.”

You can use the sample home-sharing agreement in this booklet, but you may want to pay special attention to the following:

 How long will the agreement last?  What are the financial expectations? Will a new household member pay rent, or, for example, will she put aside a certain percentage of her income for school and her next rental deposit? Be very specific about these issues on your home-sharing agreement.  What are the personal goals that doubling-up assists? Everyone in the doubling-up arrangement will be making sacrifices, so it's good to connect with the goals that will be achieved through the process. How will those personal goals be pursued? For examples: a son and daughter-in-law save money while one works and the other completes grad school; a daughter and son-in-law move in with mom to help them save money and her stay out of assisted living; a laid-off young woman moves in with her sister and brother- in-law so that she can go to school in the morning and take care of her sister's children in the afternoon when they get home from school.  What is each family member's share of the housework? What is the standard of 24 excellence where housework is concerned, and who is the judge?  What’s the exact protocol for using the kitchen? Will you have a schedule? Will you divide cabinet and refrigerator space? How long can a dish remain in the sink before there’s a problem?  How much time will you spend together? How will you arrange alone time?  If family members other than parents are involved in childcare, what are the ground rules around discipline?  What are the private zones in the home?  How will you work out conflict and plan for day-to-day events? Especially in the beginning of a doubling-up arrangement, it's good to have regular meetings and discussions.  How will children's voices be heard and honored?  If you are living with an elderly relative, what does the future hold if mobility and health problems become acute? What level of care can you provide?  Where can you get mediation or counseling help if you run into difficulties?

Research the Financial and Legal Implications of Doubling-Up If you or any household members are receiving public benefits, such as Food Stamps, you'll want to report any changes in household income and composition immediately. If doubling-up does impact your benefit, you'll want to know it sooner rather than later, because failure to report your change in status could result in you owing money.

It bears saying again: if you are renter, you can’t move anyone in without the written permission of a landlord. If you’re in a unit in which the rent is subsidized, not only would you be in violation of your lease if you moved someone in without written landlord permission, but you could also jeopardize your subsidy.

If you are considering selling property, joint ownership of a property or changing a deed, you should consult an attorney about issues related to inheritance, taxes and security. A May 25, 2009 Forbes Magazine article, “How to Set up a Multi-Generation Household” is a place to start. We also recommend the books, “Together Again: a Creative Guide to Successful Multi- Generational Living” by Sharon Graham Niederhaus and her brother John L. Graham, and Nolo Press’ “The Sharing Solution: How to Save Money, Simplify Your Life and Build Community.”

If you are providing care for an elderly relative, you may want to visit www.thefamilycaregiver.org for information on how to craft care giving contracts. Setting Up Your Physical Space

25 Even the most sociable among us need to retreat every now and again. The more you can build private spaces into your shared space, the more likely you'll avoid conflict.

The best shared solution of all would be a separate, on-site residence, created by modifying the existing home or by building an accessory unit. But before you begin hammering, it's important to check with your local planning department to check about permits and zoning. Many cities in California are friendly to accessory units. Here in California, significant remodeling could mean significant increases in your property tax bill, since a significant remodel would trigger reassessment.

Some ideas for remodeling include creating accessory units from your garage or an outbuilding, converting one of the wings of your existing home to a second dwelling, or installing a prefab modular cottage in your backyard.

If you're not in the market for an accessory unit, take a look at your existing unit and think about how space can be modified and divided. If you will be living with a senior, you may want to think about current and eventual access modifications, including ramps, grab bars and wider doorways.

Don’t forget temporary walls and doors. They’ll safely divide your room and you can make them disappear without a trace when you no longer need them. You can do it yourself or rent them from a company that will install them and take them away when you no longer need them. A quick Google search of “temporary wall” will yield you a number of professional sources. You might also divide a room with a screen, or a bank of book cases—but, remember, here in earthquake country you have to ensure that furniture and temporary walls are anchored securely.

Bathrooms - Do you have more than one? If so, can you dedicate one to members of your household and one to new members? Think about ways to modify your existing bathrooms. Can you partition the sink, toilet and shower so that more than one person can be using the room at one time? That's the saving grace solution one blended family in Penngrove found. Three teenage girls get ready for school at the same time with the help of a partitioned bathroom and a rigid schedule.

Bedrooms - It's best if new household members have their own bedroom that isn't converted into living space during the day. It will also help them to feel at home if they can use their own furnishings and decorations.

Kitchens - Can you add a coffee maker and/or a microwave to another room to prevent constant kitchen overlap? If not, during your scheduling discussions, you may want to outline and allocate hours and space—especially when it comes to morning traffic.

26 Living Space - If you have a particularly large house, can you dedicate a spare room to become a den or study for your new household members? Can you carve out a space that is solely your own?

Entrances - If you have an entrance that's near a new household member's territory, can you dedicate that entrance to him or her?

Personal Belongings - New household members will feel more at home if you can incorporate some of their kitchenware, furniture, books and decorations into the household.

Communicate Effectively with Each Other “No notes!” says one mom whose adult son has moved back home. “That was always what I hated most when I shared houses with people in college. I remember going to class and just stewing over the snarky notes one of my roommates would leave. If I have a problem with something, I say it to his face, and I say it politely. Notes are only for things like letting him know his father called.”

For any relationship to thrive, you need face-to-face interaction and a comfortable, respectful rapport. Some households have regular, weekly meetings where they discuss the schedule for the week, household tasks, and any interpersonal concerns they’re having.

“We trade off on who’s going to facilitate those meetings,” says one grandmother, “and when my grandson is the chair, he’s absolutely ruthless about keeping all the speakers to their time limits. We always have an agenda, and a check-in where everybody just lets everyone else know how they’re doing.”

Doubling-up affects every member of the household, so it’s important to honor every household member’s concerns.

“We haven’t had any problems, but I think it’s because my Dad has always talked to us like we’re people,” says a teenage girl in a large, blended household. “He’s never treated us like our ideas don’t count, or like we’re the most important thing in the room. He just treats us like people.” Her household doesn’t hold formal meetings, but they have dinner together every night, and they manage to make plans and discuss problems. There are a lot of jokes and teasing, but they also have an agreement that if anyone is feeling particularly touchy, he or she can let the rest of the household know, and will be spared from teasing until his or her mood improves.

Her household also has a set of “house rules” posted on the kitchen wall. Since nearly every member of that household owns his or her own dog, many of the rules concern the consequences for household members who do not get up in time to take their dog out in the morning.

27 Other topics that come up concern the teenagers in the household having space to socialize without younger tag-a-longs, certain members of the household hiding the good snack food, and people leaving the lights on. They’ve also adopted a policy around control of the television remote.

“But you can have all the rules you want, it comes down to whether you’re going to do the work to make it work,” says the dad of the household. “It comes down to the work and to being flexible.”

The hardest issues always concern child-rearing, this dad says. His household finds it’s best to let birth parents mete out consequences or provide guidance, but that’s sometimes easier said than done, especially if your bare foot has just slid through a Chihuahua’s puddle.

“I definitely think before I speak,” says a grandmother living with her daughter and the daughter’s husband and children. “They have different ideas than I did about how to raise children, but they’re the ones in charge.”

Last Thoughts The two-parent nuclear family was the norm for a blink of an eye in the United States—during that period after World War Two when the freeways and the jobs and the tract homes sprouted in endless supply.

Doubling-up promotes thrift and conservation, family self-reliance and community—American ideals since our founding. If you decide to double-up, you’ll be part of a growing number of Americans who have decided to rely on each other during these tough times, and, perhaps, beyond.

28 Appendix

29 A Self-Questionnaire for Those Considering Home-Sharing

Consider the following before you decide to share:  What is important to you in a home-sharing arrangement?  How do you feel about living with someone?  How will you deal with individual differences?  Are you able to clearly express your needs or do you sometimes have difficulty speaking up when something is bothering you?  What activities are important to you?  Do you have interests or activities you would like to share with your home-sharer?  Are your seeking companionship from a home-sharer?  (Home-providers) What services do you want from a home-sharer?  (Home-seekers) What services can you offer?  What are your television habits?  What are your musical preferences? How frequently do you listen to music, and at what volume? Do you have a tolerance for types of music other than your favorites?  What are your telephone habits? Will you want separate phones or would you like to share a phone?  Do you entertain or have guests in your home? How frequently? What kind of entertainment do you provide your guests?  Do you have overnight guests often? How would you feel about a home-sharer with an occasional or frequent overnight guest?  Do you have a daily routine or schedule?  Do you need private time? How much?  Do you feel comfortable sharing common areas, such as the kitchen, living room and outdoor space?  What about meal preparation? Would you want to eat meals together or schedule separate kitchen times?  Who will be responsible for what specific household chores?  How much would you ask for rent (or be able to pay)?  How will the receipt (or payment) of rent affect any public benefits you may be receiving, i.e., disability, food stamps, etc.? If you are working with a case manager or

30 advocate, be sure to check with him or her on this question.  Who will be responsible for financial costs, such as utilities? How will monthly bill- paying be arranged?  If you are seeking housing, does the neighborhood suit your needs in terms of transportation, shopping, etc.?  Will you arrange for a trial period before making a permanent commitment? How long?

31 Sample Chore List  Straighten up living area: put away stray items--books, magazines, mail, shoes, etc.  Clean kitchen: put away appliances, clean counters, clean table  Straighten bathroom: wipe sinks, clean counters and top of toilet  Vacuum: hallway, living room, dining room  Check trash cans: kitchen and bathroom; empty as needed

Weekly  Empty waste baskets, take out trash  Deep clean kitchen  Vacuum and dust  Deep clean bathrooms

Monthly  Vacuum under furniture  Clean light fixtures  Pay bills  Sort and organize closets and cupboards  Clean baseboards, doors and windowsills  Deep clean refrigerator  Clean windows  Clean guest area

32 Weekly Chore Chart

Weekly Chore Chart Sun. Mon. Tues. Wed. Thurs. Fri. Sat.

Week Name Enjoy Laundry Sweeping Bathroom Mop Enjoy One Weekend Kitchen & Floors Weekend Living Room

Name Enjoy Dusting Vacuum Enjoy Weekend Weekend

Week Name Enjoy Laundry Vacuum Enjoy Two Weekend Weekend

Name Enjoy Laundry Sweeping Bathroom Mop Enjoy Weekend Plus Kitchen & Floors Weekend Sheets Living Room

Week Name Enjoy Laundry Sweeping Bathroom Mop Enjoy Thre Weekend Kitchen & Floors Weekend e Living Room

Name Enjoy Dusting Vacuum Enjoy Weekend Weekend

Week Name Enjoy Laundry Vacuum Enjoy Four Weekend Plus Weekend Sheets

Name Enjoy Dusting Sweeping Bathroom Mop Enjoy Weekend Kitchen & Floors Weekend Living Room

33 Suggested Home-Sharing Agreement (Parts of this agreement can also be used as an addendum to the lease when a landlord and tenant are sharing a home.)

The following roommates have signed a home-sharing agreement on the _____ day of ______, 20____ for the following apartment, house or condo:

Street Address

Unit Number

City, State Zip

Roommate 1:

Roommate 2:

Roommate 3:

Roommate 4:

Terms The agreement shall remain in effect from ______, 20___ to ______, 20___.

Rental Agreement 34 All of the roommates agree to be bound by the all of the terms of the rental agreement. Tenants are jointly and severally liable for the full amount of the rent, which means that each roommate is responsible to the landlord for the full amount of the rental unit’s rent if the other roommates fail to pay their share.

Lease Term Each of the roommates will live in the apartment for the period set forth in the rental agreement. In a month-to-month tenancy, the departing roommate will provide at least 60 days notice to the landlord and his co-tenants, thereby giving all parties time to prepare to terminate the rental agreement or to accept a new roommate. The landlord has the right to approve or deny the tenancy of any substitute roommate.

Deposit The roommates have collectively paid a security deposit of $______. Each roommate has individually contributed to the security deposit the amounts specified in the “Rent” section below. Each roommate will receive his/her portion of the security deposit either when the owner or manager returns it or when a substitute roommate moves in and replaces the leaving roommate’s portion of the security deposit. Damages made by any individual roommate and/or their guests, will be deducted from that roommate’s portion of the security deposit.

Rent The monthly rent for the property at the address above is $______, due and payable on the ______day of each month. Each roommate agrees to pay the amount specified below.

Name Roommate Share of Monthly Roommate Share of Initial Rent Deposit $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $

Utilities and Services We agree to pay for rent and the following utilities and services as listed below:

Item The account is in the How is the bill Person who Date bill is due name of split? collects from roommates and pays the bill 35 Rent Gas Water Electricity Cleaning Telephone* Newspaper Cable Internet Garbage Other Other * Charges for unclaimed telephone calls shall be divided equally among roommates. Cleaning All roommates agree to share the responsibilities of cleaning and maintenance of the premises. This includes cleaning the kitchen, dusting, emptying trash, mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, and yard work. Use the attachments box at the end of this document to note whether a cleaning agreement is attached as part of this agreement. House Rules Conflicts between roommates can include: use of tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs; clean-up after parties; frequency of overnight guests; use of stereo and television; quiet hours for study; parking; use of personal property; and behavior of friends and guests. Additional agreements outlining requirements for these or other areas can be attached to this agreement. Use the attachments box at the end of this document to note whether a house rules agreement is attached as part of this agreement. Pets If pets are permitted under the lease, each pet owner shall be solely responsible for all damages caused by his or her pet. This includes, but is not limited to: damages to furniture, carpeting, doors, lawn and garden. Bedrooms The roommates shall occupy the following bedrooms: Name: Bedroom description + description of other private space (s) 1. 2. 3. 4. Attachments The following attachments are part of this agreement. 36 We, the undersigned, agree to the above stated terms.

Date Signature

Date Signature Suggested Checklist for a First Conversation by Phone

 First names (last names to follow if you decide to meet for an in person interview)  Correct phone numbers  General location of the home (do not give your street address at this time)  Home or apartment  Own or rent  Parking availability  Public transportation options  Nearest shopping center  Number of bedrooms available  Number of people living in home  Pets in home (any that you have/are willing to live with)  Amount of rent charged/desire to pay  Security deposit  Are utilities included?  Average utility costs  Smoker/nonsmoker  How do you spend your time?  Meeting date and time for an in person interview  Meeting place  Reminder to bring the names of three references to the meeting (see appendix for 37 Reference Names Checklist form)/pledge to bring your own references  Suggestion to bring credit report

Topics for Discussion at First Interview

The following discussions have been designed to create areas of discussion that can be valuable in helping you to get to know and understand each other’s personality, habits and lifestyles. Ask about any areas that are of special concern to you. Be prepared to ask questions and take down notes to be able to refer to later.

1. Have you exchanged at least three reference names and telephone numbers? 2. What expectations do each of you have about home-sharing? 3. What are your methods of working out problems or difficulties? 4. What are some of your likes and dislikes? 5. How do you feel about smoking and drinking, both inside and outside the home? 6. How do you feel about visitors? How often? Overnight guests? Overnight guests of the opposite gender? 7. What are your television habits? Preferences? Usual viewing times? 8. Do you spend a lot of time on the telephone? Would you like to share phone services? 9. Do you function better early in the morning or late at night? 10. Do you participate in active or sedentary activities? 11. Do you enjoy listening to music on a regular basis? What’s your preferred volume? What type of music do you listen to? How do you feel about other types of music? 12. What do you like to eat? Do you enjoy cooking? Would you like to eat with the person you are living with? Do you prefer to shop, cook, and eat together or alone? 13. Is there storage space available? 38 14. Will furniture be provided? Can the home-seeker use his/her own furniture? How will these arrangements be made? 15. Are you active outside the home or are you a homebody? 16. Are you talkative? Are you shy? 17. Do you enjoy conversation and company? 18. How much alone time do you need? Is it easy for you to tell someone when you need company or private time, or do you usually expect them to ask you? 19. Do you have pets? What is their schedule? 20. Who will be responsible for what chores? How often should these be done?

Reference Names Checklist (To give to applicant to be returned to you.)

Home-Sharing Applicant’s Name:

1. Reference Name:______

Reference’s Address:______

Reference’s Telephone Number(s):______

Length of Association:______

Relationship:______

2. Reference Name:______

Reference’s Address:______

Reference’s Telephone Number(s):______

Length of Association:______

Relationship:______

3. Reference Name:______

Reference’s Address:______

Reference’s Telephone Number(s):______

39 Length of Association:______

Relationship:______

Reference Check Questions

(To use when you call applicant’s references.)

Hello, my name is ______. Your name was given to me by ______as a reference. I am considering having______live with me. Do you have a few minutes to answer some questions?

How long have you known______?

What is your relationship to______?

How often do you see one another?______

What do you see as his/her strong points?______

In what areas could he/she improve?______

Do you visit in his/her home?____What is your impression of his/her housekeeping style?______

40 In general, what can you tell me about his/her character of personality? ______

Checklist for Home-Providers 1. Did I discuss what I feel is important in a home-sharing agreement? 2. Have I asked questions about lifestyle preferences which are important to me? For example, have we discussed:  Chores in exchange for rent  Television habits and schedules  Indoor temperature preferences during summer and winter months  Work, sleep and wake-up schedules  Entertaining at home  Guests  Music preferences and volume  Privacy needs  Other areas of concern 3. Have I clearly stated the extent to which I am willing to share common rooms, kitchen and outdoor space?

4. Have we agreed on food purchasing, meal preparation, eating schedule and sharing meals? Does this need to be structured, semi-structured, or do our expectations/needs allow for some meal sharing to evolve over time? 5. Have we agreed about who will be responsible for what household chores and schedules? 41 6. Have we agreed on the financial arrangements (rent, utilities, groceries, etc)?

7. What do I like most about this prospective home-sharer?

8. Does this potential home-sharer have a similar lifestyle, values and needs?

9. Do I have any reservations about this prospective home-sharer? What are my reservations?

10. Do I think our differences can be worked out?

11. Have I checked at least three of the home-seeker’s references? Have I offered at least three of my references?

12. Are there any other issues or needs?

13. Have we agreed to a trial period of living together before allowing the home-seeker to move in permanently (if possible)?

14. Have we discussed using a written agreement to specify obligations and expectations? Checklist for Home-Seekers

1. How do I feel about the location and the neighborhood? Would I be happy living here? 2. Is this location close to my job, school, family and friends? 3. Is this location close to stores, transportation and services? 4. Is this affordable housing for me? 5. Are my preferences similar to my potential home-provider's? 6. What do I like most about this potential home-provider and his/her home? 7. Do I have any reservations about the home-provider and his/her home? 8. Could any of these things be changed, negotiated, or overcome to better suit me? 9. Have I asked questions about lifestyle preferences which are important to me? For example, have we discussed: 10. To what extent will the common areas, kitchen, and outdoor space be shared? 11. What, if any, daily activities will be shared? 12. Do I feel satisfied that there are no important unspoken needs that may arise in the future? 13. Have we agreed on the financial arrangements (rent, utilities, groceries)? 14. Have I checked at least three of the home-provider’s references? Have I offered at least three of my references? 15. Have we agreed to a trial period of living together before I move in permanently? 16. Have we discussed using a written agreement to specify obligations and expectations?

42 Emergency Information Form Keep this by your phone

Emergency Number: 9-1-1 In a medical emergency, call 9-1-1. Stay calm. Describe the emergency. Don’t hang up the phone Information about our house

The phone number here is:

The address is:

Directions to this house are:

Emergency numbers

43 Police Department:

Fire Department:

Ambulance:

Poison Control Center:

Landlord:

Roommate Information

Information for: Information for:

Work number: Work number:

Cell number Cell number

Emergency Contact Emergency Contact Name and Number: Name and Number:

Alternate Emergency Contact Alternate Emergency Contact Name and Number: Name and Number:

44 Notes: Notes:

Household Information

First aid kit is located:

In an emergency, the plan for our pets is:

Suggestions to Cope with Disillusionment

Sit alone in a quiet place and think about your feelings. It may help if you write them down on paper. If you can acknowledge what the problems are, you have taken the first step toward solving them. If you are annoyed, angry or scared, acknowledge those feelings too.

Have you had a similar experience in a past relationship? Sometimes we react strongly because a person’s behavior reminds us of a difficult past experience. Until this connection between the past and present is made, it may be difficult to know how to deal with the present situation. Try to determine if the problem you are concerned about is really what is happening now.

Review the pros and cons of home-sharing to gain perspective on the situation. Think of all the things you are getting from home-sharing, as well as the current problems. Remember what you enjoy in your home-sharer.

Talk with a friend or family member about what you are feeling. This may help you gain clarity and courage.

Talk with your home-sharer. State your preferences clearly and calmly. When you share your feelings, try not to use statements that accuse or blame your home-sharer. In most cases, your home-sharer did not intend to cause you any inconvenience or distress. Try to remember that 45 there are many “normal” and “common sense” ways to live---that habits can vary between generations, regions and cultures. You may want to have a friend or family member with you when you talk to your home-sharer. But be sure that the thoughts and feelings expressed belong to you.

Conflict Resolution Suggestions

1. Have someone help you, if needed. 2. Discuss one issue at a time. 3. Clearly express the problem as you see it without blaming, accusing or being defensive. 4. Listen carefully to what the other person is saying, thinking and feeling about the situation, so you can better understand the problem. 5. Make sure you both agree on what the problem is. You can clarify what you think the other person is saying by paraphrasing (It sounds like you are saying; It sounds like you are feeling.) 6. Brainstorm solutions to the problem. List the different solutions and the steps toward implementing the solutions. Respect every idea. 7. Discuss the listed solutions and their steps. Talk about the pros and cons of each idea. 8. Negotiate and choose a solution. 9. Make a plan or agreement about how to implement the solution. 10. Implement the solution. 11. Recognize and acknowledge what you both have accomplished in working together.

46 PO Box 2744, Petaluma, CA 94953-2744 Tel: 707-765-6530 Fax: 707-765-9043 Email: [email protected] Web: www.cots-homeless.org