What Is Sex Addiction?

Welcome to Recovery!

There are a lot of stigmas and questions surrounding sex addiction and the recovery programs associated with it. Our hope is to help answer these questions and clear up the stigma of the very real issue of sex addiction that is increasing in today’s society.

What is Sex Addiction?

Sex addiction is a disease affecting the mind, body, and spirit. It is progressive, with the behavior and its consequences usually becoming more severe over time. We experience it as compulsion, which is an urge that is stronger than our will to resist, and as obsession, which is a mental preoccupation with sexual behavior and fantasies. For the sex addict, sex (not necessarily the physical act) was a consuming way of life. Although the details of our stories are different, our problem was the same. We were addicted to sexual behaviors that we returned to over and over, despite the consequences.

Because each addict suffers from different compulsive behaviors it becomes difficult to narrow down each as a separate addiction. We have found the term “sex addiction” to be encompassing of any compulsive behaviors of a sexual nature that lead to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization.

For more information please reference the section titled “Understanding Sexual Addiction”

Is this a “Real Thing”?

Sex addiction continues to be a controversial issue between society, medical and psychological professionals, and the addict themselves. Many of us were familiar with the term “sex addiction” only when seeing news about a celebrity’s infidelities or hearing about sexual offenders being sent to prison. It seemed to be something used as a “get out of jail free card” by those trying to escape the consequences of their wrongdoings. Because the term “sex addiction” was not treated seriously by the media, we as a society did not treat it seriously either.

Despite the controversy, opinions, and studies, those individuals who have come to find they have a sex addiction, as well as their loved ones who have been damaged by the addiction, swear this is a very real addiction that they could not have hoped to stop without the help of others.

For more information please reference the section titled “The Reality of Sexual Addiction”

With special thanks to the Las Vegas SAA group www.houstonsaa.org How do I know if I or my partner is a sex addict?

Clinicians in the sex addiction field have developed general criteria for diagnosing sex addiction. Although there is no 1 test that can conclusively prove that someone has a sexual addiction, these criteria can help identify at least the probability that the person suffers from sexual addiction.

Sometimes, especially if the addict has not disclosed that they have an addiction, it’s difficult to know whether someone close to you has an addiction. Many recovering sex addicts have admitted to going to great lengths to hide their addictive behaviors from their loved ones. There are many signs that you are most likely aware of but have previously dismissed. Some spouses or partners have stated that they had a strong feeling or suspicion that their partner was hiding something but dismissed it as either paranoia or they didn’t want to know even if there was something.

For more information please reference the section titled “Am I a Sex Addict?”

Is this just a man thing?

Hardly. There are many women sex addicts. The problem is not as common or visibly problematic in women as it appears to be in men and yet there are many women who suffer from compulsive sexual and romantic behavior problems. However, few women feel comfortable coming forth and admitting to having a sexual addiction problem. After all, what is a man who frequently acts out with sexual conquests and sexualized behavior typically called? A stud. But the woman who has a lot of sex is simply a slut. Not exactly the kind of validation that anyone would want to acknowledge. So, while our society often rewards men, even for excessive sexual behavior, it simultaneously punishes and devalues women for the same activities. No wonder it is so difficult for women to come forth and admit they have a problem with sex. Similarly, in looking back into the history of 12 step recovery programs, you will find that 60 years ago or so when AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) was getting started, most of those meetings were male dominated. Rarely was a woman to be found in an AA meeting, for in those days alcoholism was thought to be mostly a men’s problem. Similarly men dominate most sexual recovery meetings these days, though this is slowly changing as more and more women are showing up with Internet related sexual problems and infidelity. Increasingly 12 step sexual recovery programs are opening membership to more and more women and some now provide women’s-only meetings. SLAA in particular is very welcoming of women participants. It is essential for female sex addicts to seek out and find the fellowship of other recovering women to share their stories and reduce the stigma of being a woman with this problem.

What is recovery from sex addiction like?

Recovery depends on the individual. Depending on what compulsive sexual behaviors the addicts suffers from, your recovery program may differ from others. Some addicts find that working a 12-Step program such as SAA works well for their recovery while others find that regular sessions with a therapist in addition to attending 12-Step meetings provide them with the support and work they need in their recovery. Others have also found out-patient facilities and rehab centers to be beneficial. It all depends on the individual and the effort you are able and willing to put into your recovery. Recovery is

With special thanks to the Las Vegas SAA group www.houstonsaa.org like anything else in life, you only get out what you put into it. The more meetings you are able to attend, the more involved you can be in the program, the stronger your recovery will be.

Many have asked how long the program takes. We usually answer with the question “How long to you plan on living?” Whereas an out-patient facility or rehab center may have a set amount of time for your program, SAA focuses on a life-long process of recovery and developing one’s mental, physical, and spiritual health. Maintaining sobriety is just a small part of the goals of the program and, if a member is willing to do the work, they are able to experience a new way of life and a new happiness outside of their own addiction recovery.

For more information please reference the section titled “A New World of Recovery”

How do you define sobriety?

The short answer is: WE don’t. The ADDICT does. Our goal when entering the SAA program is abstinence from one or more specific sexual behaviors. But unlike programs for recovering alcoholics or drug addicts, Sex Addicts Anonymous does not have a universal definition of abstinence. Most of us have no desire to stop being sexual altogether. It is not sex in and of itself that causes us problems, but the addiction to certain sexual behaviors. In SAA we will be better able to determine what behavior is addictive and what is healthy. However, the fellowship does not dictate to its members what is and isn't addictive sexual behavior. Instead we have found that it is necessary for each member to define his or her own abstinence. For more information please reference the section titled “Defining Sobriety”

Letting your spouse/partner into your recovery process. So, how do you let your spouse or partner in while respecting the anonymity of the group, while being able to feel safe in your counseling sessions without having to worry about having to go back and report everything that was said? How do you allow them to be involved while not feeling controlled and remaining in charge of your own recovery? You take control! Don’t wait for the questions. Give them so much information that they don’t have to ask. (But know they probably still will and that’s okay.) In our recovery, working on our relationships, here are some of the things we have found that our partners want to know and have a right to know:  What happens in 12 step groups? What is the format? How does it start? How does it end? Is there discussion? What kinds of things do people talk about? What happens before and after? Are there any women in the group? If so, are they a threat to your sobriety? Do you get ideas about acting out from hearing the other members? Do you get triggered? How is the group helpful for you?

With special thanks to the Las Vegas SAA group www.houstonsaa.org  What are the 12 steps? How long are they supposed to take on average? What step are you on? How is it going?  Do you have a sponsor? How often do you meet? What do you talk about? If not, are you looking for one?  What is in the Green book? Can I look at it?  What do you and your therapist talk about? How often do you go to therapy? Do you talk about me? What have they told you that you need to be doing? Are you doing it?  What else are you doing for recovery?  What are some tools you have learned to manage triggers?

These are just a few examples. Your spouse or partner can clue you in to what they need to know. Ask them how you can help them feel safer about your recovery. Ask them what you can do to make them feel like they are a part of your recovery. Chances are they will be blown away. While we focus on our own recovery in SAA, learning to communicate and grow with our loved ones in our recovery is not only a goal but also a helpful tool in maintaining long term sobriety. If your spouse or partner is the one who sent you to this meeting, don’t get upset or feel like they are trying to control you. They have given you a gift. They are extending an olive branch. Instead of being frustrated that they are not where you would like them to be in their healing process, consider how blessed you are that they are still here at all! Demanding a disclosure of an addict’s behaviors and activities is not the same as being involved in their recovery. Disclosure is a very painful experience, for both parties, and should be addressed at the appropriate time and even, in some cases, with help from a professional counselor or therapist who specializes in sexual addiction. In order for the disclosure to go as well as possible, the addict needs to get to a point in their recovery where they are no longer justifying or denying their actions; they are no longer shifting blame and creating the type of “crazy making” that makes the partner doubt their own sanity. The addict should also be at a point where they begin to have empathy for their spouse or partner. Lastly, enough time needs to be allowed so that the addict has an understanding of their acting out behaviors, and sometimes this takes a little while for the memories to come back while in group with other addicts and/or therapy sessions.

For the partner, this time is also critical. They should take this time to receive help in addressing the trauma of discovery, which is shocking and can take a toll on them physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. This is also the time to develop a list of questions they need to have answered. We believe in disclosure, but we want it to be safe and therapeutic for both the addict and the partner. If you are a partner of a sex addict, there are recourses and support for you such as the COSA program and several books on the subject of dealing with a spouse or partner’s sexual addiction.

For more information, please reference the section titled “The Roles In Recovery”

What are The Three Circles?

With special thanks to the Las Vegas SAA group www.houstonsaa.org The approach to abstinence and sobriety in sex addiction differs from that of say alcoholism or drug addiction. With alcohol or drug addiction, there is a specific, non-essential substance that the addict is working to abstain from. With recovering alcoholics, they must abstain from all forms of alcohol. But, similar to the way that a compulsive over-eater cannot simply abstain from eating entirely, so recovering sex addicts should not desire to abstain from all sex entirely. For it is not sex in and of itself that causes the addict problems. It is the various ways in which we misuse certain kinds of sex that causes damages and compulsivity.

Each addict must carefully consider which sexual behaviors we are powerless over, which sexual acts lead to feelings of demoralization. These are the behaviors which we will want to abstain. There are other sexual behaviors which may be acceptable or even experienced with a sense of gratitude and enjoyment. Therefore, we have found it helpful in our program to define our sexual behavior boundaries within three separate areas or “circles”: the Inner Circle, Middle Circle, and Outer Circle.

It is important that we write these “circles” down on paper so there is a very clear direction that we give ourselves in our recovery program. Many of us have found it helpful to go over our Circles with our sponsor. Sponsors can help advise on circle boundaries with their own experiences and provide perspective and encouragement throughout your recovery.

For more information please reference the section titled “Understanding the Three Circles”

What are “Chips” and how do you acquire them?

Certain meetings are “Chip Meetings” where members are recognized for achieving certain lengths of sobriety as defined in their recovery program and Inner Circle behaviors. “Chips” or medallions are given to members who have achieved lengths of sobriety of 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 6 months, 9 months, 1 year, 18 months, and multiple years. We also have 1 day chips which signify a member’s recommitment to the program and sobriety after a relapse or for new comers who desire to start their recovery. These are not given as rewards but rather as tokens that serve as a tool of encouragement along the addict’s path of recovery.

We use our “sobriety date” as a marker for when our sobriety time began. Our sobriety date starts from the first day that we abstained from our Inner Circle behaviors. It does not necessarily begin when we first come into the rooms although many members decide to make that their sobriety date. If an addict has been sober from their compulsive sexual behaviors for a length of time before attending their first meeting they may still claim that time in sobriety.

How likely is an addict to relapse?

With special thanks to the Las Vegas SAA group www.houstonsaa.org It is important for both the addict and their partner to know and remember: RELAPSE DOES NOT MEAN FAILURE. In our addiction, many addicts adopt a very “black and white”, “all or nothing” type view on life. This may be due to the way a person was raised, by certain religious teachings, or by simple character defect. We see character flaws or mistakes as failures we cannot recover from and so we work to cover them up. Many of us could not stop our addictive sexual behaviors on our own so we saw ourselves as failures. Because of the depth of this addiction, the nature of it, and the controversy in today’s society, relapse can be a very real thing for many addicts in recovery. As with any “failure” or mistake in life however, it is the times we fall and are humbled when we are able to grow the most. Relapse does not define your recovery. Your reaction to that relapse is what really shows where you are at in recovery. The quicker you are able to humble yourself and return to the program after a relapse the quicker you are at returning to sobriety.

For more information please reference the section titled “Relapse in Recovery”

It affects everyone.

It is important to remember that just because the addict is welcomed and encouraged to return in the event of a relapse, that the damage and pain it causes the partner is still very real. Just as a non-addict cannot fully understand what it is like to live with sexual addiction, so the addict cannot possible understand the pain of the partner who has been betrayed by an addict. While it is a difficult task for the addict to commit to recovery for the rest of their life, the strain on the partner is equally so. Whether the couple has made an effort to work through this issue through their relationship or the relationship has dissolved, the damage on both sides is tremendous.

That is why communication, patience, and empathy are so important to practice in recovery, whether addict or partner. While the focus of the recovery work is on the addict, much of that is spent on recovery in our relationships through working on our character defects and making amends for our behaviors and actions.

For more information please reference the section titled “The Damage of Sex Addiction”

Other FAQ on sex addiction.

Q: Can sex really be addictive? Are you saying that there’s something wrong with enjoying sex? If you or your partner’s sexual activities (or the lack of sexual contact) are a problem in your relationship, it can be helpful to start by looking at the matter in terms of consequences. Does your or your partner’s sexual expression enhance the intimacy and connection in your relationship or is that sexual expression keeping you from connecting?

The pleasure inherently available in sex can get lost in the obsessive need for it. Sex addiction manifests not in the enjoyment of sex, but rather in the lack of experiencing true pleasure. For someone caught by sexual compulsion, sex has become something other than an intimate expression of loving connectedness. The pleasure present in orgasm or connection with another has been hijacked and is

With special thanks to the Las Vegas SAA group www.houstonsaa.org being used as a balm, an escape, a distraction, rather than being enjoyed for what it does offer. You can’t get enough of what won’t satisfy you. This is true of any addictive behavior.

Our healthy instinctive mechanisms quite naturally cause us to try to get away from what feels bad and to get more of what feels good. However, when that mechanism goes awry, when it goes into overdrive, it is possible to fall into a compulsive or addictive cycle. Even a healthy activity like exercising can become harmful if we overdo it in a compulsive way. By this same token, the beauty and pleasure available through sex can turn into a compulsive destructive expression.

Q: Don’t all men look at porn? Don’t all men have lust? Yes, most men look at porn. Many women do, too. Most men and women enjoy connecting sexually. The average person is not troubled by his or her interest in sex. He or she enjoys having sex. He or she doesn’t need to keep sexual thoughts, actions, and fantasies a secret from an intimate partner. For example, a healthy individual isn’t compelled to visit online porn day after day just to get through the day. Some healthy men have stated, “When I look at porn, after about fifteen minutes it just gets kind of boring. I’d much rather have sex with my wife.”

The sexually compulsive individual is caught by the lure of the momentary pleasure of orgasm. He or she may want to connect intimately, but is compelled to go back to repetitive sexual encounters that are ultimately unsatisfying. The secret sex life of the sexually compulsive individual is keeping them from the connection that is possible. They just don’t know how to limit (and stop) the sexual behaviors that are getting in the way of intimacy.

Q: Is it sex addiction or is he just morally weak or selfish? In the hurt and anger that naturally arises in experiencing sexual betrayal, it can be difficult to see our partner’s failings as anything but a direct unconscionable sellout of the committed relationship. And sometimes it is exactly that. There are individuals who are not capable of recognizing or feeling the impact of the harm they are doing to someone else. However, a factor that can help us spot an addictive cycle is the presence of remorse and shame. The addictive, compulsive cycle operates like this: • a preoccupation with a perceived need, leading to • a routine that leads up to the compulsive behavior, followed by • engaging in the compulsive behavior, and finally, • the discomfort of shame and/or remorse, which leads right back to the avoidant preoccupation with the perceived need that holds the false promise of relief from the discomfort.

Q: Is it possible to heal a relationship that has been impacted by sex addiction? We have found that not only is it possible to heal the relationship, it is possible to develop a new and deeper intimate connection. If the person who has been sexually compulsive has the desire and willingness to stop sexually acting out and to seek support in doing so, and both partners are willing to investigate the dynamics of the partner relationship, the pain and disconnectedness that has manifested as sexual compulsivity can be transformed. As with many difficulties, this problem too can be used to gain deeper understanding, awareness, love, and connectedness.

With special thanks to the Las Vegas SAA group www.houstonsaa.org