Week 13 Listening Exercise - Dr. Andrew Finn

Week 13 Listening Exercise COMM 470 – Dr. Finn

WebCT Diary Entries for Week 12 ends on May 2 at 3:30 pm

This we return to conversations about the past, present, and future, as well as conversations about people present vs. people absent.

Talk About the Past vs. Talk About the Present or Future

I will lecture about these topics next week, but I’d like you to consider the following assertions about talk based in the past:  Conversations about the past are usually a re-hash of events.  We tend to focus on the things that we are unhappy about (the speeding ticket we didn’t deserve, a friend who let us down, a dispute with a merchant, someone who made a fool of themselves, etc.)  While we sometimes review events to ‘learn’ from them, more often we are just complaining.  Complaining is one of the weakest forms of communication.  One form of complaining is what people often refer to as ‘drama.’ Listen carefully to the ‘drama’ that gets injected into conversations – it’s usually a series of complaints to embellish a story about daily life.  Notice that most of your friends spend a lot of time complaining. Part of being a friend is listening to their complaints and agreeing with them that the person or situation was unfair or ridiculous, and hurt them, held them back, or kept them from achieving something they deserved. Why do we support this type of conversation? Because our friends have an implicit bargain to do the same for us. We know that they will also listen to OUR complaints and agree that WE have been mistreated!  We all ‘enable’ complaining behavior by tolerating the complaining. And yet such conversation is a poor use of our time.  We are much more likely to notice the complaining of people we dislike or with whom we disagree (whether parents, roommates, teammates, or friends of friends).  We are also much more likely to be irritated or intolerant of the complaining of people with whom we disagree or dislike.  By the way, there is one type of complaining that can be positive: complaining directly to someone who can do something about a genuine problem (e.g., talking to your boss about starting meetings on time instead of criticizing the fact they don’t, or speaking up in team discussions instead of carping about an issue later).

Note that it is possible to complain while talking about the present of the future. But conversations based in the present are more likely to be focused on doing something, learning something, or creating something, ‘in the moment.’ Likewise, conversations based in the future are likely to be about (positive) plans, dreams, or commitments.

Three weeks ago I asked you to think about what time frame your conversations covered: talk about the past or talk about the present / future. This week I’d like you to think about this in terms of complaining:  Talk about the past (How many of your conversations about the past are mostly about negative stuff – complaining? How many are about positive stuff? E.g., learning from the past, speaking positively about someone’s behavior, etc.)  Talk about the present or the future (The same issues: how many of your conversations about the present or future are mostly about negative stuff – complaining or worrying? How many are about positive stuff? E.g., how to do something, build something, get somewhere; discussion about current projects, work, or efforts, plans and dreams about doing something in the future, etc.)

Talk About the People Present vs. Talk About People Not Present

I’d like you to consider the following assertions about conversations discussing people who are NOT present:  Conversations about people NOT present are usually a specific type of complaint – gossip.  For our purposes here, let’s define gossip as “conversations about people not present.”  We almost never complain about people who are present in our conversations – the only people it’s safe to complain about are people who aren’t there to respond.  You might say, but what if we’re saying mostly good things about the person not present? But is that what you do, mostly? The answer for most of us is no.  Gossip takes several forms: including bad-mouthing other people, and discussing their problems (as though they need us to solve them).  Gossip is a very weak form of communication.  Here’s the reason gossip is harmful: when someone gossips about you, it reduces the listening that others have for you. A reduced ‘listening’ means that people think less of you, don’t take you as seriously, or are focused on some (imagined) problem or shortcoming rather than listening to you powerfully.  When others offer us a powerful listening, we can have a big impact. When others extend us a limited listening, our impact in the world will be, by definition, smaller.

Note that it is possible to complain while talking about the people who are present. But at least the person is there to respond. Because of this, such conversations are likely to be focused on addressing some concern positively, rather than the whining and carping type of complaining we often aim at people who are not present.

Three weeks ago I asked you to think about the people you discussed in your conversations: people present or people who were not present. This week I’d like you to think about that in terms of gossip:  Conversations about people present (How many / how much of your conversations about the people who are present are complaining about those people? How many / how much speaks positively about those present?)  Conversations about people who are not present (How many / how much of your conversations about the people who are NOT present are complaints – gossip? How many / how much speaks positively about those who are NOT present?)

Notice how you listen to others when they speak positively and how you listen to others when they complain or gossip.