The Eternal Moment #3RR DIANE RAO HARMAN [email protected]
CHARACTERS
FRIJOLES96 24, Wikipedia editor with 123,207 edits. Lives with his parents. CAPTCABOTCOVE 35, Wikipedia editor with 128,669 edits. Lives alone. MIRABELLA 18, beautiful and contemptuous. AGATA 50, plump, owns a boutique for women’s clothing.
SETTING
The stage is divided. On each side, a man uses a computer in his own home. FRIJOLES96 and CAPTCABOTCOVE type quickly, press ‘Enter’ often. Scan, type, Enter. They are both elite Wikipedia editors. They are in the zone. Scan, type, Enter. We hear the beep of an oven timer go off.
FRIJOLES96 – Could someone get that please? I’m in the middle of something here.
(No response.)
FRIJOLES96 – Mom? I’m trying to get on the leader board. Every minute counts. So could you get that? Please?
(The oven beeps again. He grunts in frustration, puts down his mouse and goes out the door to the kitchen. A few seconds later, he comes in with a baking pan of pizza rolls and sets it on his desk. He goes back to editing. He grabs a pizza roll and tries to put it in his mouth. Too hot!)
FRIJOLES96 – (To the screen.) Are you kidding me? The first American Montessori school was not the Whitby School in Greenwich, Connecticut. What kind of idiot doesn’t know that? (Speaks under his breath while typing:) Scarborough School in Sleepy Hollow, New York.
(Keeps reading. He takes a sip of water. Stretches his neck. Finds another error and starts typing with a sigh. In his apartment, CAPTCABOTCOVE is doing the same thing.)
CAPTCABOTCOVE – No, Edward Albee is not biologically related to vaudeville manager E. F. Albee. Edward Franklin Albee’s son Reed adopted Edward Albee.
FRIJOLES96 – Why is the Sleepy Hollow census from 2010? Why don’t you have the 2020 data?
(FRIJOLES96 types. CAPTCABOTCOVE keeps reading.)
CAPTCABOTCOVE – No, Albee was not the president of the Vaudeville Managers Association, he was president of the VMA’s United Bookings Office.
(CAPTCABOTCOVE types the edit and keeps reading. FRIJOLES96 has a pizza roll and keeps reading and editing.)
FRIJOLES96 – 1914, not 1920. It’s right there in the source. Who edited this last? Jabadabadoo? More like Jabadaba-idiot. Just read the source and you’ll see. Copyright date, 1914.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – Okay, you’re close. (Typing as he writes.) Blue envelopes were how Albee notified performers that their vaudeville acts were too risqué or profane. He’d send a note in a blue envelope.
(From the ether, MIRABELLA appears.)
MIRABELLA – That’s not what a blue envelope means.
(CAPTCABOTCOVE can’t hear her. Maybe she’s not fully there yet?)
CAPTCABOTCOVE – That’s why comedians would call it blue material. Blue comedians are those whose routines have risqué elements or frequent cursing.
MIRABELLA – I said, that’s not what a blue envelope means!
CAPTCABOTCOVE – What?
(He finally notices MIRABELLA. It does not compute. What is she doing here?)
CAPTCABOTCOVE – How did you get in here? (Picks up his cellphone.) I’m calling the cops.
MIRABELLA – No!
CAPTCABOTCOVE – Who are you?
MIRABELLA – Just a girl who needs you to make something right. The blue envelopes.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – I don’t know who you are or how you got in here, but you’ve got five seconds to get out of my apartment.
MIRABELLA – I’ll go. I’ll go. Just give me one minute. Half a minute. I just need you to make a tiny edit for me.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – You need me to edit something on Wikipedia for you?
MIRABELLA – Yes, exactly!
CAPTCABOTCOVE – You do realize it’s an open-source encyclopedia? Anyone can edit it. Just get on a computer and do it yourself.
MIRABELLA – It means more coming from you. (Sexy, flirty:) You’re a super editor, right? If you do it, other people won’t change it back.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – If you mean that people respect my work, yeah. But that’s because I only edit what I know about. What’s the subject?
MIRABELLA – Blue envelopes, I told you. That’s why I’m here.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – Are you kidding? Your thirty seconds is up. Time for you to leave.
MIRABELLA – Just write “Blue envelopes can also mean…”
CAPTCABOTCOVE – Are you talking about dreams? Because I don’t bother with that kind of nonsense. There’s no one meaning.
MIRABELLA – A blue envelope was also a way to pay for the services of a certain type of girl. A gentleman would leave a blue envelope of cash, 100 lire, on a table.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – I don’t think most prostitutes have ever been all that picky about how they get paid, as long as they do.
MIRABELLA – In a different time. A different place. The girls worked out of a shop that sold women’s clothing. The gentlemen would come in, pick out a shawl or a hat, and leave the money in a pale blue envelope on the table. And then a girl would –
CAPTCABOTCOVE – Stop right there. You’re just making stuff up. Wikipedia is about facts, not stories. Do you have any source at all that can prove what you’re saying?
MIRABELLA – It’s my story! I am the source!
CAPTCABOTCOVE – Then sorry, I’m not making that change. Now, I’ve been more than patient. It’s time for you to leave.
MIRABELLA – And I’m not leaving until you explain all about it. The woman who ran the place, Mrs. Pace, she would contract with local women who would sew things for her to sell. Jackets and robes and such.
(FRIJOLES96, who has been editing, hears a doorbell.)
FRIJOLES96 – Can someone please get the door? (Pause.) I’m trying to finish this article on Maria Montessori. (Pause.) Seriously? No one?
(FRIJOLES96 goes out and opens the front door.)
FRIJOLES96 – No, I’m sorry ma’am, I think you have the wrong place. This is 352. (Pause.) Look, I’m in the middle of something. (Pause.) No, I’m not in the market for any women’s clothes.
(FRIJOLES96’s voice gets closer, and mixed with the sound of a woman’s voice.)
FRIJOLES96 – Look, you can’t just come in here.
(AGATA enters, followed by FRIJOLES96. She carries a huge carpet bag.)
AGATA – Ay, ragatz, you donna gotta worry about me. I’m a little old Italian grandma, how much harm can I do?
FRIJOLES96 – You just pushed your way in. I’m not worried, but you don’t belong here.
AGATA – I gotta da beautiful clozz. Vestiti. Dresses for your mama. O mebbe you gotta a girl? No pictures of girl. But mebbe –
FRIJOLES96 – Look grandma –
AGATA – Lemme show you whatta got.
(She pulls a beautiful silk robe out of her bag.)
AGATA – See this aright here. Bella.
FRIJOLES96 – I don’t want a robe. I don’t have a girlfriend. You’ve got to go.
AGATA – You don’t gotta girl, I can mebbe help. I wanna you become my friend. I sell you a present, you getta pretty girl. I do for a friend.
(Back to MIRABELLA and CAPTCABOTCOVE.)
MIRABELLA – This woman would contract with women in the city. These women would sew for her, make beautiful garments. My mother did that. She’d make the most gorgeous dresses, and I would bring them to her atelier, and then Mrs. Pace would say there was
some kind of flaw. Something ripped or a place where the trim was damaged. And I’d have to take it home for my mother to fix.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – And let me guess, there wasn’t any flaw.
MIRABELLA – Oh there was. Madame Pace would make sure she tore a button off or ripped out the hem, right in front of me. And I would have to work off the debt. That’s where the gentlemen came in.
(AGATA pulls another robe from her bag.)
AGATA – You like a this one? Whatta color, eh? See, is gotta little tiny rip right here, I give for you just 200.
FRIJOLES96 – No thank you, ma’am. I’m not interested. It’s time for you to go.
AGATA – No, is not time. I go after what you do me favor.
FRIJOLES96 – What favor?
AGATA – Little thing. On Google. No, wiki. Wikipedia.
FRIJOLES96 – You want me to put something on Wikipedia for you.
AGATA – Yes, thassit. This girl, this putta, she gets someone to help spread lies about me on the Google. About my shop. About me.
MIRABELLA – I have it written out what it should say. After the part about the 100 lire, write down about Madame Pace. How she is. How she exploited everyone and got rich preying on innocent girls.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – I can’t put that on Wikipedia. It’s defamation.
MIRABELLA – Write it or I’ll rip my dress and run out of here screaming that you attacked me.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – You’re crazy.
MIRABELLA – I’ll do it. Don’t think I won’t.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – Fine. Someone will just come along in a few seconds and fix it, you realize that don’t you? The people who made these pages will have them on their watchlist, so any changes pop up in their ‘recent changes’ RSS.
(CAPTCABOTCOVE starts typing the edits.)
AGATA – So you needa go on my Wikipedia, tell them what I didn’t do.
FRIJOLES96 – You have a Wikipedia page? Your store?
AGATA – Atelier, what we say in fashion. Is a French word. Madame Pace. Go there, whatta she say about me.
(FRIJOLES96 types in her name and is surprised to see she does have a Wikipedia entry.)
FRIJOLES96 – It says you have a shop but that it’s a front for a high-end brothel.
AGATA – Puttana. What else she gotta say?
FRIJOLES96 – It’s not a woman who put this here. It’s a guy, Captain Cabot Cove. He’s got even more edits than me. He’s a power editor, and he doesn’t make mistakes.
AGATA – Unbelievable. You got snooker by the Wikipedia. Is this girl who tell him how to write. I know this girl. Bad news.
FRIJOLES96 – Look, lady, I don’t know you, so for all I know you do run a brothel in Italy someplace and (reading) collect your payments from the johns in light blue envelopes.
MIRABELLA – Thank you! I knew you were the right man for the job. It’s perfect.
AGATA – Lies!
FRIJOLES96 – See here’s the thing. Captain Cabot usually has immaculate sources. This time, look. He’s using a PKB, that’s not like him.
AGATA – What is PKB?
FRIJOLES96 – Personal Knowledge Base. It’s hard to explain. A database that’s the personal knowledge of an individual. It can be subjective, and you usually only use it if there isn’t a better source somewhere.
AGATA – You wanna you could say summin different. What I know. I gotta respectable shop. This putta, she work for me two weeks. Invite so manys men. She supposed to be cashier, she with the mens in the back room. Tell them that!
FRIJOLES96 – Wikipedia isn’t the place to put that kind of thing. You could turn her in to the authorities if you have proof.
AGATA – Gabbadost! You gotta head like a rock. Get ridda that junk. Thass why I come to you.
FRIJOLES96 – I thought you wanted to sell me a dress for my girlfriend.
AGATA – Shaddup, you don’t gotta girlfriend. Make the changes. Get ridda what she say. Then I go.
(FRIJOLES96 edits the page.)
FRIJOLES96 – (Reading:) Madame Pace’s atelier is home of custom-made women’s clothing at affordable prices. Located in…
AGATA – Pescara.
FRIJOLES96 – Located in Pescara Italy, Madame Pace offers dresses, coats, and fashionable hats.
(FRIJOLES96 presses Enter. CAPTCABOTCOVE and MIRABELLA watch the page change.)
CAPTCABOTCOVE – What’d I say?
MIRABELLA – Dammit. Change it back.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – I could but it won’t do much good. It’ll just keep getting changed.
MIRABELLA – I don’t care. Do it.
(CAPTCABOTCOVE changes the page again. FRIJOLES96 and AGATA watch their screen.)
AGATA – Mi fa cagare! This girl she makes me have to take the poops. You gotta change it back, do it fast.
FRIJOLES96 – Then you go.
(He’s already typing as he says this. He’s fast. Hits Enter. CAPTCABOTCOVE and MIRABELLA stare at the computer.)
MIRABELLA – Do you see that? That bitch.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – Look, I told you it was going to revert.
MIRABELLA – Here’s what you write this time: “Madame Pace’s atelier in Pescara Italy is popular with men who say they want to purchase women’s hats and coats but in fact want to purchase the company of a woman.”
CAPTCABOTCOVE – I’m not writing that. I have a reputation.
(MIRABELLA violently pushes him out of the way and types it herself, presses Enter.)
MIRABELLA – Who needs you?
CAPTCABOTCOVE – You, evidently.
MIRABELLA – No, just your computer. Just your name. If I edit it myself, people think I’m nobody. People know you’re trustworthy.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – I don’t think you understand how this system works. Wikipedia editing runs on rules. I change something someone else writes, they know about it. If they don’t like it, they can change it back. If I change it back, then they can change it back. If I try to undo it a third time, and they revert back a third time, it’s game over. Bright line. It’s called the three revert rule. 3RR. You keep going, you’re starting an edit war.
MIRABELLA – Edit war? I like the sound of that.
(FRIJOLES96 and AGATA read as the entry changes.)
FRIJOLES96 – And we’re back to it being a brothel.
AGATA – Mannaggia la miseria! Aw come on. This puttana, what’s she know? Outta get me, thass what. And I gotta put up with this? No. You change-a me back.
FRIJOLES96 – I can’t change it back.
AGATA – Whya not?
FRIJOLES96 – There’s a rule. 3RR. We can only change it three times in one 24 hour period.
AGATA – Shaddup. Who cares about-a da rules? Why you bother me with that? I don care.
FRIJOLES96 – I care. It’s my name on this.
AGATA – Whas your name?
FRIJOLES96 – Wesley.
AGATA – Is a stupid name.
FRIJOLES96 – I don’t use that name on Wikipedia. My edit name is Frijoles96.
AGATA – Whas that?
FRIJOLES96 – It means beans in Spanish. I was I was 14 and eating leftover Mexican food when I made my profile. I wish I’d picked something cooler, but now everyone knows me by that, so I guess that’s who I am now.
AGATA – Ragazz, you don like it, make a new name, you start fresh.
FRIJOLES96 – I’ve got more than a hundred thousand edits with this name. That means I get respect. I don’t want to start fresh. I’ll tell you what, maybe you should change your name. Give the shop a new name and you can write a new Wikipedia entry.
AGATA – I canna make a new name for who I am. You are a stupid. We gotta change the thing. Is my name. My respect.
FRIJOLES96 – I can’t change it without starting an edit war.
AGATA – But is my business, is my name. Hows I gonna getta da business if peoples read these lies?
FRIJOLES96 – Hang on. There is something. I need to look it up.
AGATA – Go look, go look!
(FRIJOLES96 zips through Wikipedia until he finds the article he wants.)
FRIJOLES96 – There’s an exemption to the three revert rule. Well, there are lots of them but only one applies here. According to this, an editor can remove contentious material that is libelous, biased, unsourced, or poorly sourced according to Wikipedia's “biographies of living persons” policy.
AGATA – Ah you’re a good boy! You gotta good heart! Thass it! I’m a living person. I am as real a person as you are.
(FRIJOLES96 cuts and pastes the revert and presses Enter.)
FRIJOLES96 – Boom! Take that!
(FRIJOLES96 and AGATA high five. MIRABELLA reads the edit.)
MIRABELLA – Oh she thinks she’s so smart, huh? Well how about this? (Starts typing.) I’m going to tell the whole world what you’re about.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – Look, I think it’s time for you to leave.
MIRABELLA – You’re such a Boy Scout.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – I was, actually.
MIRABELLA – Then you should understand the part about defending a lady’s honor.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – No offense, but it looks to me like you’re the one who’s smearing her reputation. Maybe you should just let it go.
MIRABELLA – No offense, but maybe you should get the hell out of here.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – I live here. This is my place. It’s my name on the lease. That’s my computer. And you’re making edits using my username, which really pisses me off.
MIRABELLA – That’s what pisses you off? Me ruining your username? Not how this awful woman forced me into prostitution? Nothing about how my own stepfather came into the brothel one night and pretended he didn’t recognize me?
CAPTCABOTCOVE – What are you talking about?
MIRABELLA – How I had to humiliate myself, to undress, to have him touch me.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – I’m sorry for all that. But I think you’re going to have to find a better way of dealing with your pain. Editing Wikipedia isn’t going to solve your problem.
MIRABELLA – Yes it is. Don’t you see? Whoever writes the story has the power. The writer will eventually die, but what they’ve written won’t die.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – Maybe with a book, but this is Wikipedia. People edit entries all the time.
MIRABELLA – Then I’m going to keep editing forever.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – It feels like there’s a flaw in that logic. The best you can hope for is knowing that you’ve made an impact. That somewhere in the archives you’ve left your digital footprint. No one lives forever.
MIRABELLA – Speak for yourself.
(MIRABELLA finishes editing and presses Enter. CAPTCABOTCOVE picks up his cellphone and dials 911.)
CAPTCABOTCOVE – Yes, I’d like to report an intruder in my home. // No, she doesn’t appear to be armed.
(AGATA pushes FRIJOLES96 out of the chair.)
AGATA – Thass enough now. You go, okay? I understand this now, I do it. You no needa ta be here.
FRIJOLES96 – Okay, granny, I get that you’re upset that someone’s trying to take you down, but I’m not just gonna let you take over my computer. I’m in the middle of an edit-a-thon and I need to keep working.
AGATA – Whassat? Edataton?
FRIJOLES96 – It’s a hack-a-thon for people like me, Wikipedia editors. We get together for 24 hours to work on some goal. This time it’s decluttering the backlog. I’m on the “unsourced statements” team. So is Captain Cabot Cove.
AGATA – You go find a some other computer, Imma using this one. I needa keep this girl from spreading the garbage all over da place. You see, she gots the lies on here already. She says I am not-a selling fine coats and hats and dresses, she says I am a demon.
FRIJOLES96 – And that’s too bad, but it’s not my problem right now. You want to keep going back and forth with this girl, that’s your business.
AGATA – Yes, thassa my business. I need to make a much better.
FRIJOLES96 – And you should. If she’s defaming you, you absolutely should. Just not here. And not using my name. I don’t need to be part of this.
AGATA – Go get me sommin to drink, eh? I need a fruit drink. Whatever you got. Campari is good. It goes a with this, whazzit?
(AGATA looks at the remaining pizza rolls and smells one.)
FRIJOLES96 – They’re pizza rolls. And they’re mine. Leave them alone.
AGATA – Thissa not pizza. But fine, you just bringa me Campari, sommtin nice.
FRIJOLES96 – I’m not bringing you a drink. I’m getting my mom.
(AGATA starts typing.)
AGATA – Okay fine. You getta you mama. I be here. I sell her a beautiful hat, only one hundred and twenty. Good deal.
(FRIJOLES96 leaves. AGATA presses Enter. MIRABELLA reads and immediately reacts.)
MIRABELLA – That bitch!
CAPTCABOTCOVE – The police are going to be here in a few minutes. You could spare yourself some trouble if you just leave now.
MIRABELLA – I’m not going anywhere. And when the police get here, I’ll explain that you’re my boyfriend and you tried to kill me with a knife. In fact, maybe I’ll put that on Wikipedia right now. (Types.) Captain Cabot Cove is an abusive boyfriend who is trying to murder me in my sleep.
CAPTCABOTCOVE – What are you talking about? You’re crazy.
MIRABELLA – And you are an eggshell. You are nothing to me. Get out.
(Pause. He doesn’t move.)
MIRABELLA – I said (screaming) get out!!! Get out get out get out get out!
(CAPTCABOTCOVE hurries out of the space. MIRABELLA types and presses Enter.)
MIRABELLA – Take that, bitch. The Internet is going to follow you forever. You and your little blue envelopes.
(AGATA reads the edit.)
AGATA – A fanabla! This is what you wanna do it, this is what I do.
(AGATA types and presses Enter. MIRABELLA reads.)
MIRABELLA – I can go all day.
(MIRABELLA types and presses Enter. AGATA reads.)
AGATA – I can go all night.
(AGATA types and presses Enter. MIRABELLA reads.)
MIRABELLA – I can go forever.
(MIRABELLA types and presses Enter. AGATA reads.)
AGATA – I can go forever.
(AGATA types and presses Enter. MIRABELLA reads.)
MIRABELLA – I can go forever.
(MIRABELLA types and presses Enter. AGATA reads.)
AGATA – I can go forever.
(AGATA types and presses Enter. MIRABELLA reads.)
MIRABELLA – I can go forever.
(MIRABELLA types and presses Enter. AGATA reads.)
AGATA – I can go forever.
MIRABELLA – Forever.
AGATA – Forever.
MIRABELLA – Forever.
AGATA – Forever.
MIRABELLA – Forever.
AGATA – Forever.
END OF PLAY
MIRABELLA – Forever.