- - i^i The Kiwi

The Magazine of the Auckland University College

• -t/.i.v. -St

'"GSjfJJc jj j tr ii • LABIORC J/

Editor J. N. WILSON, LL.B. Sub-Editor - W. E. MCNICKLE, B.A. Business-Manager - S. YON STURMER Committee MISS M. B. FORDE, B.A., MISS D. W. POUND; A. K. TURNER, M.A., LL.B., J. C. ANDREWS, M.SC., A. B. THOMPSON, M.A.

r J ' . ' i - t • .

Published by the Auckland University College Students' Association (Inc.) Printed by the Dawson Printing Co., Ltd., 407 Queen St, Auckland

(All Rights Reserved)

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Contents

PAGE PAGE

Editorial .... 5 Clingstones - 34

College Officers, 1926-7 7 Mongol .... 34 What's This ? ... 35 Regulations for Anti-pedestriantics 8 Barbara and the Burglar 37 An Afternoon with the Deputes 9 The Facist Menace - 38 Who's been Missing his Cruschen ? 10 Personal Notes of Past Students 40 The Voyage - 11 The 'Varsity Girl - 41

"A Good Day" ... 12 Sports Clubs' Notes - 41

Hey Diddle ! Diddle ! 13 Reports of Clubs and Societies - 45

Afforestation : Aims of Private Enterprise 14 "Size Three" - 47

Johnny - 16 Life's Promise - - - - 48

The Thousand and Second Night 17 True Story of the Lost Radium 49

"This Freedom" - 18 James Joyce : An Appreciation 50

Sunset ----- 19 Sundown - 51

Romance and Spring Onions 20 Hockey : and How to Play It - 52

Hopeless DaWn . . . 20 The Lie - 53

Tournament 1927 ... 22 Interviewing a Social Celebrity - 54

"Going to See a Man about a -——" - 23 Silhouettes of Trinity College, Cambridge 56

Soo/fs - - - - - 24 The Man Who Knew Too Much 57

Spring - - - 24 The Science of Hockey 58

The City Sleeps - 25 Parodies - 59

Psalm 121 ... 25 On Women Students in General 60

On Dit ... 25 Safety First - 61

The Wager - 26 Saturday Morning ... 61

The Foolish Virgins - 30 The University and the Theatre 62

Our Political Article - 32 The Student - 63

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VOLUME 21. NO. 2 THE MAGAZINE OF THE AUCKLAND UNIVERSITY COLLEGE AUG.. 1926

The Portfolio System in College

HPO anyone who has considered the matter at all, It is surely obvious that if the Committee is it must be at once apparent that the present to do the work now required of it, some scheme of method pursued by the Students' Association Exe- logical division of labour must be evolved. The cutive Committee in carrying out the work of system of sub-committees, which has been greatly the Association is primitive in theory and precar- developed lately is a step in that direction, but it ious in practice. goes only half way. It is of little use to divide When we inhabited the old buildings in Symonds up the work if it is still to be done by two or three. Street, life was simple and the activities of the As- Under the present system, it is found that a few sociation were few. Carnival, Tournament and who have proved or are believed to have proved limited social gatherings constituted practically the their ability are placed on each new sub-committee sum total. No necessity then for an elaborate or- in turn. 1 he natural result follows. With so ganisation. Two or three out of the Committee many matters to attend to, the unfortunate member could quite easily cope with the work—and they cannot give proper attention to any, the work is did. "fudged," and both the business of the Associa- Our removal to new premises with special ac- tion and his own studies—and perhaps his health commodation of our own has, however, multiplied also—suffer. This year has been a singularly un- and complicated the interests of the Association, fortunate one to the Students' Association. It and at the same time has created a heavy responsi- would be interesting to know how much of the bility. It is like dragging a savage into super-civil- non-success that has attended its ventures is attri- lsation. Vet, notwithstanding the doubled, treb- butable to this iniquitous system. led, nay, quadrupled work of the Committee, the The logical remedy is also the logical conclusion same old haphazard method still prevails. The to the scheme of division of labour begun by the Committee apparently adopts the Micawber-like policy of sub-committees. It lies in the appointment system of "waiting for something to turn up"— of each member of the Committee to a special de- and then appoints a sub-committee to deal with the partment of the work at the beginning of the As- matter. sociation year; in other words, the adoption of the

! '!:::i;ii!l[l!ill!!!ll!l:!!!!ll!i[| [51 * THE KIWI „„„* Portfolio System in College. Let us see what this to do and no student should accept nomination for = means. this Committee unless he is prepared to accept a A careful study of the Association's activities re- portfolio and make himself responsible for that veals the fact that they may be classified under the department. following heads:—Financial, Social, Clubhouse, For many reasons it is not considered advisable Tournament, Carnival, Sports, Kiwi, Property, Ex- to amend the Constitution so that each candidate ecutive, and some miscellaneous matters which should be elected to any special department. The may be conveniently lumped together under the better method would seem to be that at the first name of Minor Activities. We will take these in Committee meeting after the Elections, the Presi- order. dent with the assistance of the Vice-Presidents Financial.—The Treasurer's department. It in- should appoint each member to the portfolio for cludes keeping the books of the Association, which he appears most suitable. Certain port- examining and reporting on applications for folios, of course, devolve directly as a result of the grants from the affiliated Societies and gen- elections, viz., those of Finance (Treasurer), Wo- erally dealing with the monetary side of the men's Clubhouse (Woman Vice-President), Kiwi Association's business. (Editor), and Executive (Secretary). Social.—The entertainment of the student. In- With the exception of Executive, Property and, cludes everything from Graduation Ball and perhaps, Sports, all departments are run by sub- Freshers' Welcome to College Dances and committees. On receiving his portfolio, each mem- Smoke Concerts. ber should be instructed to nominate a sub-commit- tee to work with him, and to submit the names of Clubhouse.—The control, discipline and upkeep those selected to the Committee for approval at a of the Students' Block and perhaps most of meeting held not more than one week later. At the activities of the old Common Room this meeting, the personnel of each sub-committee Clubs. should be carefully scrutinised, and it would then Tournament.—The general supervision and ar- be possible to ensure that no one was being asked to rangement of all matters pertaining to this do more work than he could properly undertake. important subject. Corresponds generally to Normally, the Committeeman holding the port- the work now done by the Tournament folio would be the Chairman of his sub-committee. Delegates. It is not intended that he should do what is aptly Carnival.—All the duties of the existing Carni- termed the "spade work" of his department, but val Committee. he should be absolutely responsible to the Executive Sports.—A general supervision of all sports clubs Committee for the efficient working of that depart- and checking and reporting on applications ment, and if the Committee considers that the de for Blues. partment is not carrying out its functions, the resig- Kiwi.—The publication of the College Maga- nation of the member responsible should be de- zine. manded. Property.—The care of the Association's pro- This sounds a serious matter. It is a serious perty and the sale of blazers, badges, sta- matter. 1 he time for kid-glove methods is past. tionery, etc. The Executive Committee has a tremendous amount Executive.—The secretarial work without its pre- of work to do, it cannot be enlarged without be- sent cumbersome additions. coming unwieldy, and consequently it cannot af- Minor Activities.—Publication of the Handbook, ford to carry passengers. Unless a member is direction of an Information Bureau for prepared to render, and is capable of rendering ef Freshers, Capping, etc. ficient service, he has no right to a place on the It will be noticed that there are ten of these de- Committee. partments. Now the officers of the Association are Briefly outlined, that is the Portfolio System. as follows: President, Woman Vice-President, Man We understand that it is proposed to adopt it in the Vice-President, Kiwi Editor, Secretary, Treasurer, coming year. Theoretically, it is sound: in prac- and eight ordinary members (three women and tice some alteration may be necessary. But at five men) ; that is, ten men and four women in all. least it provides at once a remedy for and a pre- There is, therefore, a department or Portfolio for ventative of the frankly terrible present system of each man, while the Portfolios of Social Affairs, control; than which we know of no better example Clubhouse, Sports, and Minor Activities, each re- of energy misdirected, of effort wasted, of zeal quire a woman also. This scheme thus provides impotent, and cf superb faith in Omnipresent Pro- a definite work for each member of the Committee vidence. llll [6] * * •Mini iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil THE KIWI jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii mm * *

COLLEGE OFFICERS, 1926

STUDENTS' ASSOCIATION EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE

J. N. Wilson, LL.B., (Kiwi Editor), N. S. Alexander, B.SC., D. G. Mawson, N. A. Leonard, B.A., B.SC. A. B. Thompson, M.A., Miss W. E. McNickle, B.A. (Sub-Editor), E. F. Thompson (Secretary), Miss M. B. Forde, B.A., J. E. Connor J. C. Andrews, M.SC. (Vice-President), M. K. Dunning, S. F. Meiklejchn, M.A. (President), Miss M. J. Potter, B.A. (Vice-President), D. H. Steen, M.COM. (Treasurer).

THE COMPETITIONS

Some very good contributions were received for this number of the Kirei. As usual, some excellent g material came to hand too late to be entered for the competitions though the result was not necessarily jj affected. The judge awarded the prizes as follows :

Serious Prose: "The City Sleeps." Serious Verse : "The Voyage." Humorous Prose : "The Wager." Humorous Verse : No award. Best Sketches: G. M. Peacock.

•IlllllllIllllllili!li!lilll!lll!IIIIW [17 ] THE KIWI finnr

Regulations for Anti-pedestriantics

(Hereinafter referred to as A.P.)

(The following proposed regulations have been brought before the Minister for Health, who has promised to f^eep the matter steadily in view.)

PRELIMINARY : The whole of Greater to the ears, or, if these are displaced, to any con- Auckland shall be declared an A.P. area, with venient portion of the pedestrian. Any money the exception of that portion of Queen Street lying or personal belongings, other than the coat, may between the intersections of Albert Street and be claimed by the relatives of the pedestrian within Hobson Street with it. The above-mentioned one minute after the motorist has sounded the "mort" area shall be a sanctuary for pedestrians. For on his horn, otherwise they become the property of purposes of A.P. this area shall be administered by the motorist. The person of the pedestrian shall the Public 1 rustee, from whom licenses shall be remain the property cf the motorist, but sale of obtainable. the body, or portion thereof, is absolutely prohib- ited under penalty of a fine of 10 - for the third LICENSES : Any motorist may obtain a license offence. to take not more than five (5) pedestrians, the fee for such license to be 5 The open season TAKING OUT OF SEASON : No pedestrian shall be from May 1 st to September 30th—both may be taken out of season. An offender under days inclusive—as during these months the pedes- this clause shall be liable, for a first offence, to a trian's coat is thick and in good condition. penalty of forfeiture of his license and admonition, For the purposes of these regulations, a motor- for a second offence, to admonition, and on a ist shall be deemed to be any motorist, and a pedes- further repetition of the offence shall be liable trian to be any pedestrian i.e. any person who, to have his license returned and to be declared a while being of either sex, is not at the same time a habitual motorist. motorist. APPEALS : Appeals may be lodged by re- METHOD OF TAKING : Any motorist latives (if any) of pedestrians against alleged un- holding a license may take any pedestrian. A lawful taking. The Public Trustee shall appoint motorist on coming within five (5) yards of his a committee to hear such appeals, with no power pedestrian shall sound the "View Hallo" clearly to act. The committee shall consist of three (3) on his horn before proceeding to take hirfi. In members, viz. a representative of the motorists, the event of the kill not being immediate, the who shall be a motorist, a representative of the motorist may despatch the quarry with any bona pedestrians (if any) who shall be a motorist, and fide motor tool, such as a jack or monkey wrench, an impartial chairman who shall also be a motorist. but the use of firearms shall be deemed unsports- During the hearing of the appeals, the evidence of manlike. All turf shall be replaced. On com- pedestrians (if any) shall be, ipso facto, inadmiss- pletion of the kill, the motorist shall attach two able. 1 he chairman shall have power to adjourn (2) of the numbered tags obtained with the license the hearing of any appeal sine die.

The day is done, The moonbeams come, Rich sunset colours dim and cease, Stars twinkle in the velvet sfyies, Softly the mystic shadows fall, The breeze whispers a tranquil sigh, Lulling the Weary World to peace. That stirs the nodding leaves, and dies. L.O.M.B.

I: I,: 1 ' 111, " ; 'I!.; [8J iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii THE KIWI

/ / An Afternoon with the Deputes

PARIS, 29th March. Minister for War, was obviously ill at ease, impa- OHORTLY after 3 o'clock, amid the feverish tient and enerve. His replies degenerated into an and apparently aimless agitation of a mass of argument with M. Desjardins, interrupted by a ushers, with sword and cockade, of secretaries and chorus of dissent and even hooting from the Right. officials of all kinds, stray deputes began to saun- One vigorous young reactionary cried out, "Ce ter in and sprinkle themselves, according to shades Ministre n'est quun Ooyou." The President was of political opinion, in little groups from left to long powerless to quell the wild tumult. His little right along the benches of a vast amphitheatre. In bell, the shaking of a warning finger and his earnest front was a raised tribune of sufficient length to exhortations, "Voyons, taisez-Vous," were of no allow the orator to rush backwards and forwards avail. unimpeded. Behind sat the President, throned on After a brief lull came the turn of the Left to high and armed with an inefficient little bell. embarrass the Government. The Socialist member for Marseilles, charging up and down the Tribune, The opening proceedings were comparatively to the tune of encouraging cries from the Commun- quiet; but there was a suppressed excitement in the ists, called for a diminution of the war credits for air and one felt that it would need but a word Syria. He happened to refer to General Gour- to unchain loud and bitter strife of the extremist and as "ignorant comme un militaire." Tumult. sections of the Chamber. For the previous day the Indignant protestations from the Right. Painleve Communists, les Moscoutaircs, as they are familiar- leapt from the front bench, stamped, and with all ly called, had succeeded in carrying two seats in the force of his powerful lungs shouted, "Parole Paris, apparently with the aid of Government votes, abonunable !" Then followed for five minutes a against reactionary and Fascist candidates: which disorderly argument in which everyone said his would seem to point to a re-grouping of the Cartel word in defence or in disparagement of the Army: in the direction of the Left. The first blows came on the latter side was, not unnaturally, an Admiral. from the Right, a blossoming forth of the perennial Painleve again protested, in more measured terms, question of Sy ria and Morocco. but it was clear that he had already antagonised the A thin, wasp-like orator from the Right, Des- Right. Then Aristide Briand rose to repair jardins, embarked on a cutting criticism of the Go- the damage. He seemed weary and disillusioned— vernment's war policy and, of course, an attack on for good reasons. He protested, "En Syrie nous ne General Sarrail, as a free-mason and for that rea- faisons pas la guerre." (Manifestations of surprise son shielded by the Government, the whole drown- from the Communists.) "Nous ne voulons pas la ed by applause from the Right, loud protestations conquele." ("Aha ! Aha /") They heard him from the Centre and Left and even from the Com- with patience, but did not seem convinced. So, munists—a piquant situation, that they should find when the measure was put to the vote, a majority themselves defending the Government or the Army: of three was found in favour of the reduction of for it is not long since their organ referred to the war-credits. Ministry of the Cartel as "slimy slugs clinging to In the meantime the franc falls, discontent finds power, and their usual sobriquets for Painleve and votes for Communism and for Fascism. Still, as Briand are characterised more by picturesque vig- Painleve remarked in October, "La Republique our than by gentle performance. Painleve, the continue."

The International Federation of University Wo- On Friday, July 30th last, some person or per- men held a most enjoyable conversazione and card sons unknown removed the clock from the Library party in the Ladies' Common Room on the evening door without first obtaining the consent of the Col- of Friday, July 30th. It is pleasing to note that lege authorities. We trust that the elite of Auck- these ladies take so keen an interest in the College, land has not abandoned its collection of glasses from and that they realise that they are really an integral Dixieland in favour of clocks. part of it. llllillH^ [9] * * THE KIWI * *

WHO'S BEEN MISSING HIS CRUSCHEN ?

[10] * 1 """""""" * Illlllllj THE KIWI 11' *„„ #

The Voyage

(In continuation of the Prize Poem on the Coming of the Maoris, Kiwi 1925).

fC TjAWAIKl, Hawaiki, oh where art thou now, "And the fixed frozen grin of the dead I have •*- and thy waving green grass and thy ferns, loved gleams under his matted hair! "And the tropical sunshine that stains with its "Oh dark was that hair, ae ! dark till this night, gold all the earth it illuminates and burns? when all silvered with salt, it swirls "Oh where, gently curved like the new crescent "Like an eel in the foul inky water and writhes moon, is thy sea-beach so cold and so white, as it moves, and curls and uncurls. "Where thy deep-shadoWed Ocean swells in, deck- ed with foam, and the mystic Bush trembles all "How gaunt are his cheeks, how gnarled is his night? throat, how sunken his chest, how his ribs "And the murmur of maidens and children at play start out! and the babble and rush of the creelf "As he grasps with one hand at the useless air, and "As it slides on its sinuous way to the sea from the other, alas! once so stout the snows on the glistening pealfP "Lies limply within my own. Oh Rangi! Oh Papa ! Oh Tane ! Oh Tu ! "—They are lost, they are lost, and the Voice of "Give him back, S'L>e him back, he is all that I the storm yells out of the cavernous skies, have—give the life to that pitiful blue! "Like the groan of a ghost from the gloom of a "Oh Cods of my people, arouse ye and send us grave, to mock the tears in mine eyes— some sign that ye hear us and see!— "Oh harl( ^e jifce at my sorrow and anguish, " That one cry at least may rise from my heart the laugh at my fever and pain, that shall utter my faith in thee! "Of the lash and the whine of the wind on the "Psha! Ye are deaf, ye are dumb, ye are cruel! wave, and the sting and the swish of the rain! Ye gloat o'er the sight of the dead, "And I hear your laughter ring out through the "For the carved prow lifts high, lifts high—and storm—YE ARE FALSE!—oh, what have it shudders, and plunges down deep in the I said! spray "Of the long green mountains rolling by, from the "Oh Atua—nay, but I care not, I care not. There treacherous night to the rain-sodden day; he lies lifeless and I "While the dying sun with running blood, gleams "Must look on> and must suffer the death of my for a moment through half-broken clouds soul when my long-tortured flesh may not die! "And all is stained beneath the flood, ere he sinks "I have left your fair land with her terror and back and dies in his floating black shrouds. blood, and I leave ye, I leave ye too!— "So rush we on, forever on, and the howl of the "Ae, she was fair—but 1 left her—her long dazzling tempest is never so wild beaches, her fern bathed in dew— "As the groan of men when hope is gone, or the "I have lost all I loved. / have lost, I have lost agonised wail of a thirst-tortured child. what matter the end be near? "They uprise and they blend with the vaporous "Let it come! Let it stay! It is all much the whirl and the turbulent clamour and tumult same: / have lost what I held most dear . . . . around, "Till they sicken the night with their ominous "Our prayers like flurried seabirds rise all day music and fill the long hours with horrible and haunt the angry sky- sound. "O.r people's gods indeed are false, that leave their children thus to die." "Ah look ye! Behold how those cold glassy eyes make mock at our own despair. —BRENDON CLARK.

iifllllllllllllllllllU i Ill iilll!llll!llll!!llllll!!llllllll!ll!!l!l!lll!!l!lll|||lllllll||||||l!lll^ [11] * : * iii!iii!:i!i!!iaiiiiiiii!!!!iii» THE KIWI [ ^ ii- iiiiiiiiiini! ii!iii!iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii| * 4c |

A Good Day

T WAS feeling decidedly annoyed and irritable am tempted to tread lightly, so as not to waken that afternoon. Everything had been going them, or disturb their dreams. Oh, yes, they wrong, and I was feeling fed-up. Besides, it was dream, these tiny sleepers. What else have they late Autumn and I felt I hated Autumn. I sat to do? They dream delightful dreams of the hunched up, nibbling at a straw and slashing the frocks they are to wear, the dances they will have bracken with a stick. Then I saw him coming with the wind when they wake. up the ridge, tall and straight, walking with the "They are wonderful, those little sleeping things. swinging stride of a Yorkshireman. He stopped They look the same to you and me, a handful of and bade me good day. I couldn't in truth agree, brown seeds, planted in a common soil. And yet so I said curiously, "D'you think so ?" To this man from that soil, each is able to select what it needs one felt that it was a good day. He gave me a for development true to type. The wonder of it! little whimsical smile and sat down. His keen Have you really thought ? The million of forms, blue eyes were atwinkle. "Why, yes, I do. It the colours—all the colours in the world, the spots, is a good day, sun and wind, a good hill to climb, the stripes and the blotches all laid on with such and enough of a nip in the air to make the going infinite care—the wonder and artistry of the de- good. And then, it's Autumn with a promise of signs—have you realised them? Winter. But perhaps you don't like Winter?" "You, my friend, may build great buildings, I had a mental vision of wet pavements, drizzling roads, railway bridges; you may mend broken rain, bare parks, cars splashing up slush in the bones, you may make great laws—I know not. streets, furs and blue faces. You may have received all the training possible in "Can't say I do," I said. this country, and even so, you couldn't build one tiny plant or make one frail flower like any one of He laughed aloud, a low laugh, full of enjoy- those tiny brown seeds sleeping under your feet, ment. "Well, well, there's where we differ my and dreaming of the thing that is locked in her friend. If you knew Mother Nature you would heart." appreciate Winter. I look on it like this," he He paused to stand up, then added slowly, with went on slowly. "When the flowers of Summer bared head, "It makes one very humble." Then have made glad the earth and the kindly fruits of he was off again with a cheery "Good day," and Autumn are all harvested, Mother Nature calls her his loose, swinging stride carried him quickly from children home to her. She gathers them in her sight. That, I reflected was the man Frances all-embracing arms, and tucks them into bed. 'Bed- Shaw meant, when she wrote: — time it is,' says the kindly dame, 'Lie still my children, and when it is time to rise I will give you "Who loves the rain, a call.' And loves his home "They sleep all through the Summer, some of And loofys on life ivith quiet eyes." them, and when the early risers get their call, the "Good day," I called after him, and his cheery- crocus comes up, and the snow-drop and violet reply came faintly back. to give Old Winter a decent send-off. I continued my way down the ridge. And I "Often, when I tramp these hills in Winter, I walked lightly, thinking of the little sleepers be- think of the little sleepers beneath my feet, and I neath my feet. —M.M.

POTTED PROVERBS

Half a grub is worse than no apple. A roll-down gathers no chocolates. There's no thyme like your neighbour': A bet with the "book" is worth two on the tote. Don't buy a surprise in a packet. (N.B. To the Bookmaker.) Give a bool( a bad name and sell it.

llllll!ll!!!!l!il!lii!!l!l!i!!ll!l!!!ii!i;ii!i!ll!li:!i!ii!iill!!! [12J Ml!:;!:;:1';!!],;!;:!:1; THE KIWI J

Hey Diddle! Diddle!

Hey Diddle ! Diddle ! So far, the Higher Criticism finds no melucid- The Cai and the Fiddle ! 2 able obscurity. But the concluding line is diffi- The C ow jumped over the Moon. cult indeed. From an Egyptian point of view, The Liiile Dog laughed the "Dish" and the "Spoon" defy augury. The To see the fun, 5 clue lies, as so often, in what is apparently mean- And the Dish ran away with the Spoon. 6 ingless (but, for that very reason, is preserved, Here we have no idle grotesquerie, but the dis- however corrupted it may be, yet without delib- jectum memhrum of a ritual hymn—the adum- erate sophistication). I refer, of course, to the bration of a crisis in the religious history of an- enigmatic "Hey Diddle ! Diddle!" of line 1. cient Egypt, of nothing less important, indeed, A Greek "Ai Daidale, Daidale!" is plausible than the supersesssion of a chthonic by a solar enough at first sight, but proves too good to be true cult. In one of the native forms of the myth— —for neither Daedalus nor Icarus can be con- crude enough, in comparison with the lyrical in- nected with Egypt. tensity of our poem, but far more transparent in Ex Oriente lux ! There can be no doubt that its naivete—we hear that the Sun-god Ra (or Re) our lyric was brought to Europe by the Crusaders, was lifted up on the great Cow (i.e. the ancient who may well have thought that the "Cow jump- All-Mother, the milky Nut) to prepare (or to ing over the Moon" typified Godefroy de Bouil- make?) the heavens for the abode of the Sky- lon's victory over the Crescent at Jerusalem. In dwellers. The Divine Cow "jumps over the moon" the Arabic form, then, our mysterious formula when she (or rather her divine and deific Rider) runs : Hayyi ! ladid ud-dill indalla ila dalilati-d- supersedes the cruel primeval Hathor, who is also dalla ! which has a meaning, and a vivid one: Mut,1 the "Mother of Darkness." "Ho !3 opposing Evil, he is set on the way to In line 2, the "Cat" is Bast (or perhaps the the Leader of Love!" This no doubt corresponds, "Lioness" Sekhet—both are solar deities and both more or less definitely, to some yet undiscovered are cats). The "Fiddle" can be no other than the Egyptian formula. But what is more important sistrum of Isis, the Earth-goddess, destined under for the moment is that (if we allow for its trans- the new regime to supersede Hathor as goddess of mission through the sensuous Arab mind) it is the Moon. The "Little Dog" stands for the dog- clearly connected with a ritual line of the Eleus- or jackal-headed Annubis (Anpu), the great inian mysteries: ephugon to l(af(on, heuron ameinon "Watcher of Darkness," half-Hermes and half- "I have escaped Evil, and found Something Bet- Cerberus, who "laughs," perhaps in derision, but ter" (or, in the Arab version—if the colloquialism more probably, as we shall see, in pleasure at is permitted—"a little Bit of All Right!"). what he sees happening in the heavens.- At Eleusis, then, in the cult of Demeter It is highly probable that this unique fragment and Persephone, we find the solution of our prob- celebrates the short-lived reform of Akhen-aten, lem. The "Spoon" is appropriately associated and that we owe to the subtle priests of the reac- with /Core-Persephone ("the Girl"), while the tionary 1 ut-ankh-amen the degradation of the "Dish" may be the corn-basket of Demeter, but triumphal chant into a nursery jingle. Such, only is more convincingly interpreted as the "Tarnhelm," too often, is the destiny of him who would lead the helmet-that-makes-invisible, of Hades-Pluto. his fellows "upward and on." On this hypothesis, the "Dog" Anubis-Cerberus evidently "laughs" in glee at the rape of Perse- 1 It is singular that we have no reference to the closely associated Jef (? Zef, of Zev, as the phone. It is probably that this association of name appears in connexion with a certain Persephone with the Egyptian motives of the earlier Papyrus). lines took place under the Ptolemies, as part of - Line 5 seems to decidedly corrupt, and the syncretic movement which associated the native the conjecture "to fee the sun" is very tempt- ing-. Palaeographically, it is impeccable: s and f deities of Egypt with the Greek cults. The Perse- are often almost indistinguishable in ancient phone motive, then, presumably replaces some re- MSS., and spoonerism is notoriously one ference to the similar, though less picturesque of the commonest of scribal errors. Unfortu* myth of the Black Osiris of the under-world. nately: this delightful amendation is irreconcil- able with any reasonable interpretation ot line 6. 3 or (perhaps?) "Ah!"

IIIIIIII!!IIIIII!IIIIII!I!III!II!I!IIIH [13J * THE KIWI -34

Afforestation: Aims of Private Enterprise Waste Lands Utilised

By W. J. KEYES, B.A. (Special to "Kiwi")

rriHE rise of commercial afforestation is without Timber concessions to exploit the great resources doubt one of the marvellous achievements in of the natural forests of America have been given an age which has grown accustomed to wonderful to companies who have ruthlessly ravished magni- happenings. Less than half a decade ago, the ficent tracks of country and have made no provision word which heads this article was unknown to for future planting in denuded areas. Wood-pulp mills, running night and day to meet the ever- the general mass of the public. Governments, increasing demands of the newsprint and general making wise provision for the future, had, however, paper industry, have also made a serious inroad on realised the necessity of reforesting land deprived the standing forests of the U.S.A. To-day, of tree-growth. Indeed, thirty or forty years ago, however, America is beginning to realise her posi- Governments of the day laid down a splendid for- tion, and a belated but sincere effort is now being estry policy for the Dominion, which has been made to replenish the wasted forests. taken full advantage of by the State at the present period. As a result of early forestry planning, New Zealand has been an object lesson to the the State to-day possesses forests which have been whole world, and commercial afforestation was estimated to be worth not less than £35,000,000 pioneered in this country. Foremost among Euro- sterling. Nevertheless, according to the statement pean countries in forestry conservation, we must, of of the Director of Forestry, there are some 760,000 course, not overlook Norway, Sweden, Fin- acres of idle land within a seventy mile radius of land and Germany, but these countries dealt with the city of Auckland. Vast areas are also avail- the forestry position from a strictly national view- able for afforestation purposes in the pumice country point and no effort was made by them to give the of the North Island which is generally conceded to general public an opportunity of investing in the possess the best tree-growing country in the world. forestry resources of the country. Though pumiceous country is unsuitable for most The great interest which has been aroused in agricultural purposes, its natural use seems to be commercial afforestation, since private enterprise the growing of essential softwoods which thrive entered the field, in New Zealand, is striking evi- under a rainfall of sixty inches a year in the Puta- dence of the belief which the public possesses in ruru region and adjacent districts. Evidence of the natural advantages of the Dominion. Private the marvellous tree-growing properties of the pumice enterprise has shown conspicuous initiative in es- land was provided recently at the N.Z. and South tablishing a new industry, that of creating vast Seas Exhibition, Dunedin, when a section of a man-made forests. spruce tree grown in Norway, 45 years old, was The reputable afforestation companies have made exhibited in comparison with a similar tree grown in adequate provision for safeguarding the bonded this Dominion. The Norwegian tree could be capital of investors. According to recent statistics measured in inches while the New Zealand tree made available by the Government, some twenty- was several feet in diameter. This exhibition of five companies have been registered in New Zea- the relative tree-growing ability of the two coun- land for the purpose of carrying on afforestation tries attracted much attention. operations. Great tree-planting activities have Afforestation has received great impetus from been reported, and one company has over 60,000 the fact that the world at the present period is bondholders and possesses nearly a quarter of a suffering from a serious shortage of many varieties million acres of pumice country between Putaruru of timber, and more particularly of the essential and Taupo. This company might justly claim to softwoods. The rise of the artificial silk industry, be the largest commercial afforestation organisation which is based upon the wood product, has resulted in the world. Private enterprise, undoubtedly, in the cutting out of huge forest areas in the older is providing a great deal of employment at a time World. America, which is the greatest timber when it is vitally necessary to absorb surplus labour; exporting country, has adopted a suicidal policy and apart from labour units, actually engaged in for many years in respect to its natural forests. planting operations, impetus has been given to

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machinery and motor trades, for private enterprise official statistics give evidence that 1,200,000,000 requires a large number of tractors, motor-lorries acres of forest land throughout the Empire ought and all sorts of farm implements for the work in to supply a greater share of British imports of es- hand. . sential timbers. A great volume of capital has come into the Scandinavian countries have maintained their country since private enterprise entered into af- forests and their paper pulp industries upon an aver- forestation activities. In propaganda, private en- age annual increment of only 24 cubic feet of wood terprise has carried the fame of New Zealand to per acre per year. Canada and America hope to every portion of the civilised world, and one private perpetuate the same industries, upon an average company at least, has an Empire-wide organisation annual increment of 58 cubic feet per acre per which distributes a vast amount of literature of ad- year. New Zealand under proper afforestation vantage to the Dominion. From a publicity point methods, initiated on the most conservative plan of view, private afforestation enterprise is putting will have available an average annual increment of New Zealand upon the map in the older countries no less than 250 cubic feet per acre per year. of the world, and is ably co-ordinating, although in an unofficial capacity, with Government publicity Afforestation has a distinct Empire significance. work in increasing the status of the Dominion in The time is now at hand when the Empire must foreign countries. One company recently pro- produce its own paper, and this particularly applies duced a remarkable motion picture, which intro- to Australia and to New Zealand which is at pre- duces in its scenario many magnificent scenic sent importing enormous quantities of paper, to keep grandeurs of our country. the printing industry going. Recently, Mr. Winston Churchill, Chancellor of the Exchequer, referred No argument can be adduced against affores- to the tremendous nature of British war debts. These tation. One of the world's vital necessities is involve a charge of £33,000,000 at the present timber. Trees are the arms of mother earth. Trees period, rising in eight years to £38,000,000. That reflect the Divine Majesty of the Great Architect is to say, putting it mildly, the British Chan- of the Universe. Where they are, beauty dwells; cellor of the Exchequer, and his successors .n where they are not, the land is ugly, though it be a long line, will have to pay about £100,000 a day rich, for its richness is but greasy fatness, and its every day, for more than three generations; and this gaudy raiment, though it be verdant and pleas- is to America alone. Think of the other debts ing to the vision, is only a cheap imitation of forest which Britain must also meet; of the manner in finery. Trees are the shelter of man and beast and which Britain sustained the whole of the Allies the birds of the air. Trees furnish the roof above during the greatest of all wars, and it will be real- us, the shade above us, and the nesting places of ised that anything that can be done to improve our love and song. They are the fittest ornaments of financial position, find work for the workless, and wealth and the inalienable possessions of the cut down our heavy imports, is vitally necessary. poor, who can enjoy them without having any legal title to them in the plan of man-made laws. Afforestation is a magnificent conception, and as the years go by it will come to be recognised in a Trees provide the timber that are the masts which grander manner. As Britishers, and individually fly the flags of all nations and the sails of the seven as members of a great corporate Commonwealth, seas. Trees provide the timbers that bridge for- in an Empire family, based upon democracy and bidding streams, that bear the wires of the world's justice, we feel a thrill of pride at the enterprise intelligence, that hold the rails that carry the puls- of afforestation pioneers. These men behind the ing traffic of continents. Trees provide the pleas- afforestation movement have gone into the high- ant furnishings of a home and from the trees ways, and the by-ways, with their eyes ever stead- comes the timber which cradles the young and fastly set towards the beacon lighting up the high- coffins the dead. ways of progress. They are planting mighty for- H.R.H. the Prince of Wales recently referred to ests for the future; they are working for the con- the fact that afforestation would have to be taken summation of a grand idea. Afforestation is for more seriously throughout the Empire. The Brit- them a guiding principle. They have created a ish Isles imported 9,800,000 tons of lumber last forestry sense, and they are nurturing a natural year, valued at £47,000,000 sterling of which only asset, in the broadest interests of our race and of 10 per cent, was Empire timber, and recent our far-flung Empire.

[15 ] THE KIWI

. JOHNNY Being the Multi-Metrical Song of the Son of a Sea-Dog (To be read sonorously, with emphasis; nor examine too closely the metre).

•N Princes Street Johnny walked up and down, Johnny was shipped to sail the seas, / His mind a-toss with an unknown trouble. To stem the tide, to brave the breeze, On his head was a hat, on his forehead a frown, To peel the potatoes and shell the peas In his chest a pain, in his pocket a crown, And clean the cabin and Captain's slippers. In his heart a hope for the morrow's double.

As they sailed down the harbour his heart was m Yes, Johnny was restless, as any would marlp, light, | For he jiggled his feet, and his thumbs he twiddled; And the waters smiled at the blue of the sky— And he gazed at the College—tvrned—gaped at As the Whangape, clad in her rusted might, the Park, Ye gods but she made a splendid sight!— With aspect gloomy and glances dark, Past Rangitoto Went stately by. B Till all of a sudden he shouted "I'm diddled!"

But pride, they say, e'er heralds a fall; 'Hooray for the Briny! Hooray! Hooray!! Delight is followed by blackest sorrow; 'To-day I'm here, to-morrow away! Dead calm precedes the treacherous squall, 'Who'll come with me across the Bay? We cannot see what's beyond the wall, 'I'll be an A.B., and not a B.A., Nor what's going to happen to-morrow. 'On the Kestrel, or Condor, or Whangape!

The morrow brought forth a long, slow swell 'Did our fathers keep to their own small land Which rolled the ship on her very beam. 'And fret and pine in their native habitat? You've doubtless guessed what I'm going to tell— 'No! They sailed away from old England's Tis the old, old story we know so well; strand— How Johnny's poor vitals did squirm and squeam. 'To adventure and plunder they turned their hand 'Took what they could at the price they could grab it at. Me thinks it were Vulgar too long to moan O'er the ins and outs of the ghastly scene; Johnny was heard to gurgle and groan, "And why should not I? Shall the mighty deep And mutter that none of himself was his own, "Call in vain to the sea-dog's litter! And so We shall leave him—a livid green. "Shall Johnny on shore in comfort sleep "While the ghosts of his fathers their vigil keep? "No! The sea for me, be it sweet or bitter!" Now Johnny is back from the mighty sea, No more does he yearn for a foreign strand. The sea may be fine, and it may be free ; So Johnny made of as fast as his feet— It may be whatever it's said to be (Forgive an occasional change in the metre)- - But henceforth Johnny will /fcep to the land. Would carry him. Flying down Shortland Street, He kitled a policeman asleep on his beat, And the taste of adventure grew sweeter and "Hooray for New Zealand! Hooray! Hooray!! sweeter. "Here I am, and here I stay ! "If any would Venture across the Bay, "Let him, and I'll not say him nay. We need not dwell on the passionate pleas "I'll stick ashore to my dying day !" Poured forth at length to heartless skippers. —A.E.

[25] THE KIWI

The Thousand and Second Night " Phresha the Nineminutegg "

"Z^REAT and honoured lord," said Scheherazade, derstand that he wished to take a course in Com- There was once a worthy merchant of the city merce. At once the lady seized him by the collar of Owklund. This merchant had one son, Phresha, and vanished with him into an inner room. who was as brave as he was handsome— that is About an hour later Phresha emerged, rather to say, not at all, for he was as hard to look upon white of gill and empty of pocket, but a full blown as an examination*paper. In spite of all his fail- student. He was now free to wander into any room ings, however, the merchant was fond of his son he wished (always excepting the Women's Com- and had him so well educated by learned men that, mon-room, as he found later to his cost). Many at the tender age of nineteen, he could not only of the students, he noticed, wore gowns of sober read and write, but, if careful, could even spell black, and as the professors also wore this garb, words of one syllable correctly.' he found it a little difficult to distinguish between One day the merchant sent for Phresha and said them till he noticed that the professors went humbly to him: "My son, I feel myself growing older— in rags, after the fashion of the philosophers of old. not old, mind you, but older—and the time is ripe After this discovery he made no more mistakes. for you to get out and learn something that will 1 he days passed by, and Phresha began to teach you to run the plumbing business when I re- merge into the general landscape, though people, tire. Go forth and get busy." on beholding for the first time his vermillion hair So Phresha thought all one Saturday instead of and freckle-studded face, frequently asked to be going to the Ping-Pong Club, and at last decided gum-swizzled, or to be shown the way home, or else to take a course in Commerce at the neighbouring preserved a horror-stricken silence. He often institute of learning. For, he thought, I shall wondered why this was, and was forced to come surely be taught there many useful accomplish- to the conclusion that his dynamic personality was ments, such as the adequate choosing of a mate. the cause. Accordingly Phresha set out the following Mon- Now through great determination and the use of day morning to seek the institute of learning. Long free meals, Phresha had become member of a secret before he reached it he descried its tower, the pride and desperate band of youths. Though there of the city. This tower was cunningly wrought were many other such bands, none could compare into the semblance of a human skeleton, and was in bravery and recklessness with this one. No used to frighten away any evil spirits which might one had ever heard of anything they had done, happen along. He advanced somewhat nervously but that only increased their reputation. None but along the marble path before the building, and the members knew the name of the band, but stood for a moment gazing in reverent awe at the among the initiated, and out of regard for the portals. Above them were two noble shields. On feelings of sister bands, it was reverently spoken of one of these was a device of three blind mice, sur- as the Wows' Club, "Wow" being a native word mounting a book bearing the legend which Phresha meaning "Great One." Phresha had already been afterwards learnt meant "See How They Run"; through the initiation ceremonies, which reminded the other bore a pickaxe and a bunch of asparagus, him painfully of the rites attendant on his entry signifiying that the inmates worked hard and fed into the institution, and now he was about to be well. Much cheered, Phresha ventured up the shown the meeting place of the band, known only steps, and, after the third push, succeeded in open- to the band and the janitor, who washed the sup- ing the door sufficiently enough to allow him to per dishes. He was waiting by one of the great enter. Once inside, he found himself in a mag- pillars, when a shape glided up to him. Care- nificent hall, whose domed roof was supported by lessly removing its collar, it placed it nonchalantly pillars of purest concrete. He waited here for some round its right ankle. Phresha replied by placing time till at last a lady of commanding mien sailed his false teeth behind his ear. The other then up to him and asked him his business. Being said, "The time is at hand." To this Phresha an- afflicted with a slight stutter, which became more swered, "Will there be any supper?" At once pronounced on account of his nervousness, it was his guide smote the floor with his foot. A yawn- some time before he succeeded in making her un- ing chasm appeared before them, and, leading

I!1! [25] THE KIWI *

Phresha by the nose he began to descend. The The days passed by, and Phresha was no longer floor closed above them, and for half an hour the tenderfoot of the band. Indeed his intrepid Phresha was compelled to breathe painfully through deeds had gained for him the title of "Nineminu- his mouth, suffering the while all the other tortures tegg," one of the highest that the band could be- due to incapacitation thereof. At last they stop- stow free. When he passed, people looked after ped before a door, guarded by a member with a him and said, "He mowed the Civic Square," or pearifle. Phresha's guide gave the password, "He sent a sonnet on her eyebrow to the lady of —"Gaudeamus," repeated rapidly backwards,— commanding mien," and they marvelled greatly. and they passed through. Within, Phresha was This was the greatest period in Phresha's life, stirred by the inspiring words of one who discours- not forgetting the time when he found five shillings; ed on "The Table Manners of the Ancient Assy- but seeing that it is after eleven, and high time you rians." After this he met many who were des- were in bed, Shariar, I shall continue the story an- tined to be his companions in wild deeds, or whose other night. reputation for daring was already far-spread. "Have you finished at last?" yawned Shariar, Then tea and bananas were served, and at half who had been asleep for the last hour, "I must say past nine the daring youths crept forth into the Sherry, a thousand and one stories don't seem to darkness of the Civic Square, then haunted only have improved your style any." by a few wandering buses.

This Freedom

\ FRIEND asked me the other day if I thought that Until a generation ago, women were both helped we were "unintelligible and parochial." Sev- and hampered by social and religious conventions, eral men had told her that most of her set were and originality of thought and action was not that—was that true? We discussed it carefully, encouraged. But with the climax of the suffrage and I shall give our findings for what they are movement came a freedom that has been our un- worth. I must at the outset acknowledge my be- doing. lief that we women are largely responsible for what- We demanded an "equality of the sexes"—a ever praise or blame is attachable to social condi- thing ridiculous in the face of it. Man and tions. woman were made mutually complementary and any confusion of their attributes will always be ob- Most of us marry and to the state our occupa- noxious. We would despise and loathe men if tion is "married women." Do we regard it ser- they in any way attempted to copy us, and yet we iously as an occupation? Our husbands have to have surely reached the summit of our mimicry of concentrate for the whole of the working day at them. least on whatever calling they follow. If they We have invaded their occupations as equals, are successful then we benefit and hav.e the where- copied their dress, and acquired their tastes and withal to escape from the worst of the domestic habits. And we still expect that they should give drudgery. But are we justified in philandering us the chivalrous homage that they gave willingly these salvaged hours? Very few of us have hob- to the Eternal Feminine. If we could have achiev- bies and fewer of us have learned to occupy our ed this freedom and yet maintained our womanli- leisure happily alone. So we lack concentration ness the balance would have been well-nigh per- and never really know ourselves and a question fect. Our mothers accepted maternity unquest- like my friend's comes as rather a shock. ioningly as being in the natural order of things In my "findings" I am considering the leisured and while this maternal*sense cannot be lost in so woman, for the leisured women sooner or later be- short a time, it is certainly suffering an eclipse. come the leaders of society and the bulk of the We have lost the major interests of the nursery others follow their lead because of sheep-like qual- and are irritated by the serene and quiet ordering ities which we cannot deny. Consequently the of a restful home and the mantle of our calling tastes and ideas of the leaders must count for a good has fallen on shoulders that carry it as a misfit. deal. We like to blame our restless age, forgetting that

[18] i THE KIWI Ijllllli!i!^ll!;lllllllllllil!illillillllll

we are mainly culpable, not only for positive rea- she not rather leave them to entertain themselves? sons but for negative inertia. The only exertion she has to make is the initial Our status as married women gives us the privil- placing of the players. Would we not be expect- ege of extending hospitality. As hostesses the subtle ing too much if we looked for a breadth of vision questions of entertaining affect us greatly and no- in women who are thinking in the terms of auction where can we find a more delicate and more graci- bridge for six hours a day, for many days in the ous medium for our influence. Disraeli said: month? The rules of their game have no bearing "Woman alone can organize a drawing-room—man on the great game of life. succeeds sometimes in a library." I referred to our position geographically. We Reading is a habit which most of us never ac- are surely the last outpost of Empire, but many quired and many of us have lost. This is dan- travellers come our way and to brush but the fringe gerous anywhere, but the more so here because we of their garments is helpful and even a short con- are geographically so isolated and far from the tact will serve to make us aware of new situations, centres of traditional culture and learning—we of strange cults, of books, and personalities outside must inevitably become insular and trivial in our our little world. We must grasp at anything that tastes and our standards are apt to be false because will keep us from becoming "parochial." None we cannot make any sound comparisons. If we of us wish our children to grope their way into the read nothing more than the lightest of fiction we world outside the schoolroom, but they will be forc- do not gain much by travel. "Eyes have we but ed to do this if we cannot accompany them, or to we see not" and our main impressions are of our sorrow they will seek other guides. I believe shops and musical comedies. firmly the teaching of the parable of the talents, "To whom much hath been given, of him much will be Our games, too, may be a good deal to blame required." We have a fine heritage with the ad- for our lack of "intelligence." We live in an age ditional advantages of modern education and pros- of extremes and golf and bridge may often become perity, and much will certainly be required of us. a business instead of a pleasure. Golf very rarely becomes an obsession with the essentially feminine If I have brought a heavy indictment against one woman. The salon has certainly succumbed to class of women, it is because I think that class has the tyranny of bridge and the art of conversation the greatest influence on the community. I am has been starved to death. "It is so easy to enter- well aware that destructive criticism is not always tain your guests with bridge" has become almost of the highest value, but many a time it serves to a Greek chorus in the mouth of the hostess. But arouse discussion and there may result from it con- does she entertain her guests with bridge ? Does structive criticism from abler minds than mine. —FLORA HONOR MACKENZIE.

Sunset

T ONC lime ago a fying at Nineveh The desert winds have buried deep both king Watched oft the sunset's fading colours flare And city 'neath their drifting sands, and I, Over his ancient city, resting there Gazing upon the houses and the sf(y At peace, and wondered if, in ages far, At sunset, wonder will the morrow bring Across another city—now a scar Along the banks of Time's dark silent stream Of gaunt grey stones above the desert bare— Another man—and place—but this same A man had gazed and found it just as fair, dream ? Under the light of that same moon and star. C.R.S.

il!llllllllllltllllllllllllli!l!lll!l!ll!l!l!llllll!lllll!llll!lllll!l!l!!!!l!ll[^ [19 ] THE KIWI illi!lll!lllll!l

Romance and Spring Onions

CJPRING is here again. While all the world re- my wildly beating heart would burst my waist- joices at the fresh greens on every side, I— coat buttons. a man ever fleeing from justice, shivering, trem- We were standing by the stile, Eliza Jane and bling, always—was last night served spring onions I, and I had just stood on one step and kissed her by my land-lady—Nemesis disguised in a print reverently, and the scent of the parsley in the skirt and sack apron. Yes, smiling and chatting garden went to my head like wine. I found my- brightly of the death of the next door cat that self in her arms, murmuring passionate words of always stole her chickens, she did it. Alas! little love while she stroked back the hair from my fore- did she know of the part spring onions played in head. Wildly I tore the ring from my finger the great tragedy of my life that drove me from and pushed it as far as possible on the third finger my friends and made me a wanderer. What of her left hand. Adoringly I gazed into her pale memories of days that once were sweet, what night- green eyes, caught up her hand and pressed it to mare sprang into my brain and made me vacantly my burning lips. heap mustard on my toast instead of marmalade! Bitter awakening! The strong smell of fresh Just as I am learning to forget Fate smiles sardon- onions assailed my nostrils. She had been pre- ically and acts. paring them for tea. What poet-lover could She captivated me completely, did my betrothed. dream on after that? With a strangled sob I mut- How could five feet two of man withstand ten tered something chokingly, dropped her hand, and more inches of purposeful woman? It is two forgetting even my hat rushed heart-brokenly into years since then, but every image that torments me the thick darkness of the woods. now is as clear as though it reflected the doings of And even since I have been a fugitive. Eliza yesterday—the moonlight nights we strolled along Jane is suing for breach of promise, or would be the bay, her arm about my shoulders; the ice if I could be found. lemons we sipped in the shade; the pangs of love I Just as I was learning to—ah! my landlady— suffered and the haircuts I did without to buy her Nemesis—spring onions .Can I never violets. And the last night of all, when I thought forget ? F.M.H.

Dawn

Kiss me, But rather choose I sirange death here, For the cold dawn breaks, and I must die Where I must die alone— The chained hounds of the morning bay the stars, Unburied— And o'er the dull black reaches of the plain Die on the desert plain— The grey light creeps insidiously to turn to steel Than that long way of pain that you must tread The cold stone tower Before the gates of Death And battled walls, Swing So I must die; And open at your feet. Come, kiss me m the morning light, Before these lips of mine Kiss me and go, Turn dust. And let me die Here Kiss me and go. On the flat unending plain For I shall die; Of mad despair. —R. W, TOWERS.

^ni1Hnilllll}IIHlllUllII11H1IIUHnHlll)}H]IHl]Jn3)U]l]]1]]lll]]l]]}3]Hl]lll}tll}]inMH]]HIU1^ HllHtUHl-HUiMHiHIIllMIMIHiHIFIHinUtlllHMIIHhhltllllHMItMHIUlllllllHIIIIIIlHJniJiJHItJIHfliHtHnilfH [20] Anlllllllllllill M Invitation

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[21 ] I THE KIWI

Tournament 1927

44To Ski or not to Ski"

"fJ^HE Kiwi" takes the opportunity of reminding Kiwi" exhorts its readers who are athletes, boxers, its readers that next Easter the Annual Univer- debaters, or tennis experts to give their best in sup- sity Tournament will be conducted in Auckland. port of the A.U.C., and make it her great hour of This is the greatest event in the New Zealand Uni- triumph. In billeting and entertainment of our versity Year, when the competitors from all the Southern visitors many can help who do not shine Colleges gather together and vie with one another in the field. Let us return the wonderful hospi- in Athletics, Debating, Boxing, Tennis and Basket tality of our Southern fellow-students and make Ball. Last Easter the Aucklanders came home them right welcome to this first tournament in our from Dunedin with the "Wooden Spoon," bottom New College building. of the list; will this be our fate next Easter? "The

WHILE ROME BURNS

§1l]|l!l!lll!!l!!!!i!!l!)l!llllll!!!lllllllll!lllllllliil!lllilll!l^ " [22] I THE KIWI

Going to See a Man About a

J^S I deftly straightened my tie and strolled to- two, there, four,—here we are at the top. I reached wards the front gate a shrill voice called from out my hand to open the door, but it gradually behind me: "Where are you going Jack." My eluded me as the confounded lift started abruptly young sister is always extremely inquisitive and I to descend. never miss an opportunity to put her in her place. It took about five journeys up and down to con- I seized this one by replying, as I passed through vince me that the thing wasn't going to stop. the gate, "Going to see a man about a " Feverishly I read through the instructions but this but quite incorrect remarks about my personal ap- situation was evidently not anticipated; there was pearance, character and manners drowned the last not one helpful suggestion in the whole rigmarole. words of my retort. On the next trip down an elderly gentleman But, as a matter of fact I was "going to see a was waiting to ascend and he courteously stood man about a ." He was in an office aside to allow me to alight. I caught a glimpse in one of those new buildings in Customs Street. of his amazed and disgusted expression as I disap- I forget the exact address, but anyhow I don't peared heavenwards. A few brief conversations want to go there again. In a few minutes I reach- with him failed to put him in possession of the ed the place and soon discovered he was on the facts of the case and on one trip down I discovered third floor. The lift was deserted and I was wait- he was reinforced by a constable. This officer ing for the attendant to return when I saw a notice shouted something about not being able to ride up headed:— and down all day, which I considered admirable, if hasty, optimism. Soon there was quite a crowd AUTOMATIC LIFT INSTRUCTIONS on the ground floor and small boys were racing From the few brief sentences beneath the head- up and down the building. I won every time. ing I gathered that passengers were required to steer their own craft, as it were. I did not like it; Then the policeman appeared to grasp the sit- one expects these little things to be done for one. uation and shouted "emergency button." What a Thoughtfully I considered the stairs; thoughtfully fool I was. I should have thought of that. Heaven eyed the instructions. I glanced outside to the knows I wished to emerge. Hurriedly I looked brilliant sunshine. Who would climb three flights for it, found it, pushed it. Then sat down. I of stairs on such a glorious day? Not I. "Here didn't mean to sit down. The action was quitq goes," I thought. I read involuntary. But anyhow the lift had stopped. I looked round for the door. I found it, at least "First close the outer door; then close the inner some of it, for the rotten lift had stopped in the door; then push the button corresponding to the wrong place. A few inches of doorway let the floor at which you wish to alight." light in at my feet. The gaping crowd rustled Easy. First I closed the outer door. Then expectantly. The policeman stepped forward I — but the inner door was stuck. and peered up at me through the gap. He quest- I pulled, tugged, useless! Then to get a better ioned and I answered and finally he was convinced leverage I placed my free hand against the side that I was helpless. "Try twiddling those but- of the door and pushed. I pushed, yes- . tons," he said. I twiddled the buttons. For all I pushed all the dashed buttons at once. I paused the result obtained I might just as well have twid- horror-stricken. From the dim regions above dled the buttons on my waistcoat. Someone in the strange noises were echoing. For a tense second crowd told me to crawl out. I glared at him. I heard ticks and whirrs and then I soared sky- An athletic snake might have done it but I couldn't. ward. The policeman and the caretaker held a consulta- Feeling a trifle shaken 1 decided to leave the tion. As a result the caretaker went off, and the lift at the first opportunity. It would have to stop policeman, having told me that the electricians had at the top floor and I would only have to walk been sent for, soon followed. down. Confidently I counted the floors—one, The crowd began to thin for the luncheon hour

!!'•'. ; MiHIIHBilitHHIKIiHUUIIIHUIUIIIIUIIIIIIIBSItlllllllltililiniRIIHilllillllfl^ 'r'r!",!V!!l!HIIIIIIII'IM)ill [23] : : 1 1 ^ii'll!If'il"!T'i f :. [.I,!ji'|•: :;'i ::M', : , . ^i! 11MIii] ]11III!I THE KIWI liiiiiifliiiiiiBiiiiiii:; r?J!i!it(iiiniiiiiiiiiMiiiiiu:!i3iiii!iiHiniBaimiiiininBiiiiuraraiirai«iniimiHH«ii^ * *

was near. I knew this by a sort of intuition. I A defeated man I turned and made for home. got down on my hands and knees and asked a man Outside in the sunshine I felt better but I was still if he would get me some ham sandwiches. He weak from hunger and fatigue. I stopped a looked startled and drew away as if ashamed to be passer-by and asked for directions to the nearest seen talking to me. The building was nearly empty restaurant. He was very helpful. "Just in and I sat down on the floor of the lift to wait for there," he said "and take the lift." I struck at the electrician. Now and again some inquisitive him savagely and bolted for home. The homing person would peer into my elevated dungeon. One instinct in man is discovered by adversity for I knew or two of them I poked in the face with my stick. nothing of where I was going, yet I soon found Then I lost it down the lift-well and had to bear myself trudging up the hills towards my home. their scrutiny with as much dignity as I could com- A motorist slowed down as he passed me. I mand. realise now that his action was kindly meant, but I I waited for about an hour, and then growing was completely unnerved. He said, "Can I give quite reckless I started pushing the little buttons you a lift." again. Anything was better than this inaction. I screamed, and, planting my back to a fence, Suddenly I was startled by a repetition of those prepared to sell my life dearly. The motorist phenomena which had heralded the first disaster. looked a trifle startled and annoyed. "I know it's Clicks and groans mingled with bangs and thuds, only a Ford," he said as he moved on, "but it's the lift moved slowly down! Stopped!! Stayed not as bad as all that." stopped! ! ! Whistling unconcernedly to deceive I crawled home. As I reached the front gate the thing I strolled towards the door. I my sister met me. "Oh Jack," she said, "there's had the door open in a flash and sprang a man been waiting for you. He's just left." through. I was about to hasten from the build- ing when I remembered my errand. I approach- "Just what!" I said. ed' the stairs, keeping as far away from the lift "Just left." as possible. I climbed three flights, at least it was "Oh, I thought you said lift," and I shuddered. said to be three flights; it seemed more to me. On "Yes," she went on, "and, what do you think, the door of the office I was seeking was a notice. it was a man about a " But I had fainted. It read : — OUT ALL DAY —Jean Hivere.

Books Spring

Dusty. Austre, Musty. Cold, white, proud and stem, Fusty. Blackened nwrsh and low-winged hern, (Oh come and play in the sun with me!) A reed, a soundless stream — Life caught within these pages, A light upon a sword a-gleam. Life of endless ages Is shrivelled up and dead. Quite dear— (Hark to the thrush in the apple tree !) Young, sweet, swift, tall, All the legends, patchcd and mended, Green grass upon a ruined Wall. All have lost their living breath Fresh life, and from a bud, the flower Prisoned in a wordy death.. A silver laugh from a leafy bower.

FELIX AMORY. FELIX AMORY

!IIII!i!lli!H! IIIIIBi [24J lllllliiilill THE KIWI |Q£ *

The City Sleeps

UIET, still mysterious, even a little terrifying, his torch. I held my breath, and he passed by. Q Dark, dark shadows, and across the waters a Still darker grew the morning. The moon moon-drenched path of beaten silver, scintillating in slipped behind some clouds. Now only the tiniest tiny crescent ripples as the winds breathed. rim of light round the edge, the rustle of the Overhead—the stars, the moon and the clouds sil- trees, as the wind whispered through the leaves. . ver-kissed scurrying past. Slowly, imperceptibly, it paled in the east, and Not even a boat cleaving the water. Long the moon came out again in vain. Its glory di-. since I saw the last ferry, like lanterned gondola, minished in that which heralded the coming of the reflected in the waves, its lights like writhing snakes greater monarch of the sky. of multi-coloured flame, twisting, turning, heaving. With a last little sigh the wind whispered a faint Lamps that had twinkled on the headlands van- farewell, and now in the silence the world waited ished one by one—a few only remained to wink in the coming of day. silent conversation across the shadows. . Then blasphemy, as somewhere in a distant aisle Auckland is frightening when it is still—fright- a motor-bike shattered its hideous way through ening with all the terror of the strange and the the sacredness that was the Dawn's. unknown. Gone its tram-song as the cars speed Unseen, a painter washed the eastern sky palest up and slow, gone the weird wealth of sound from pink, and the waves flushed as I watched, gold a thousa»d different sirens, the turning, bumping and red and crimson, and the sky donned regalia wheels, the yells of the newsboys with their jar- for their lord. When all was ready he came, gon. slowly in state above the hills, and the waters mir- Just silence—beautiful, oppressive, frightening. rored him and all his train, for those who wished Came the chimes of the clocks, strangely loud to see. across the silent city. One after another they Silently three fisher boats slipped out, black as joined in the chorus and each struck four—a night itself as they crossed the golden waters. clanging medley. Slowly the city wakened, a few gulls circled Lights of a car turned a distant point, two fin- and screamed, and as the light grew brighter I gers of yellow groping through the dark and, stole off to hide and sleep till the night should finding nothing, curved down on the road again come again, and in his sheltering cloak conceal and vanished. from my fellow men the rags that Poverty had A policeman probed the deepest shadows with wrought. —M.F.H.

PSALM 121 ON DIT J WILL lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from —That Field Club excursions should not be whence cometh my water-supply. freely indulged in by persons of tenders years. 2. My water-supply cometh from the BUSH which hath made the dams. —That the gentleman who attended the 7-8 Latin 3. He will not suffer thee to thirst, he that lecture alleges as an excuse that his friends forgot guardeth thy reservoirs. 4. Behold he that keepeth Auckland shall to wake him at seven. neither slumber nor sleep. —That conversations in the library lead to meet- 5. The BUSH is thy keeper, the BUSH is thy shade at noonday. ings of professorial boards. 6. He watereth thy gardens with hoses, thy bath runneth over. —That teeth will be worn next season. 7. Sure Huia and Nihotupu shall suffice me all the days of my life and I shall trust in the Wai- —That music hath charms, but is not conducive takeres for ever. to absorption of cottage pie. llllllHliHIH [25] THE KIWI

The Wager

fpHE Professor lay idly gazing up at the fan- ish interruption when the time remaining was so fastic shadows cast by the night light. Only short. an hour before he had heard the doctor tell the For answer the stranger turned and switched on nurse in a discreet undertone that he would not the light, and then swiftly wheeling, said in ring- last till morning, and he felt vaguely disturbed. ing tones, "I am Mephistopheles! Now perhaps It wasn't that he minded dying exactly. Every- you know me." one must die sometime or other. It was a nat- "Ah! perfectly, perfectly," said the Professor. ural and inevitable proceeding. But he didn't "I recognised you immediately I could see you. I want to die just then; there were so many things have seen you too often in "Faust" to make any he would have liked to have done before he left. mistake." There was that Brochure on Animal Magnetism The stranger drew himself up and scowled. "I for instance. And he would have liked to read am no vulgar pantomime clown," he replied haught- the proof sheets of his latest work on Electronic ily, "I am the King of Hell." Variations. He flattered himself that it would "Indeed," murmured the Professor politely, cause a stir among the Savants. Now somebody "then I take this visit very kindly. Will your else would read them; and it went without saying majesty sit down somewhere?" that the thing would be full of idiotic mistakes. It "This is no time for levity," said the stranger was all most annoying. severely, "The evil deeds of your life have not The door opened softly and someone entered. passed unnoticed. For ten thousand aeons you Time for more electric treatment, he supposed. are delivered into the hands of Me and my help- In the name of Heaven if they were so sure he ers, to suffer remorse and expiation.' was going to die in any case, why couldn't they "But that's impossible," said the Professor. let him do it in peace. His eyes turned wearily "Impossible ?" to behold not the familiar trim cap and apron, "Quite," said the Professor, "that is, if you but a totally different figure. Just inside the door- want to convey that you are that person in the way stood a tall, rather angular person, dressed flesh—no that's hardly right, shall we say in— in what in the dim light looked absurdly like red oh—in propria persona." skin-tights. The Professor was mildly annoyed. "Please explain yourself" said the stranger cold- He connected it vaguely with certain pranks of a ly. "I think you will very shortly be rather sharp- favourite but sometimes rather exasperating nephew. ly undeceived." "But my dear fellow," said the Professor patient- "What business have you ?" he began, but ly, "You can't be. You are only a myth, a the stranger lifted his hand with a certain air of figment of the imagination. You simply don't quiet authority. exist!'" "My business is with you," he said in a clear, "How do you account for my presence he re, grave voice. then?" the stranger enquired coolly. "Indeed," said the Professor a little acidly. "If it had not been for those horrible milk-foods "Then perhaps you will introduce yourself." they have fed me on for the past week, I might "I had not thought you would find that necess- suggest an overdose of cheese for supper," said ary," came the reply, and the Professor thought the Professor. "However there are doubtless he caught in the tones a trace of sardonic amuse- other causes of hallucinations. Anyway the fact ment. "I think I am usually recognised at first remains I don't believe in you." sight." "You don't believe in me!" "How the devil can I recognise anything in this "Perhaps I should explain," said the Professor beastly glimmer?" said the Professor testily. "that for a considerable number years I have "Please say who you are and have done with it; been a confirmed Agnostic." and at the same time you might, if you don't mind, "It has been duly counted again you," said the tell me what you want." He resented this fool- stranger.

[25] 'Ill THE KIWI In *

"So naturally I don't believe in you. I don't "Thank you, I prefer to stand," said Mephis- even believe in Hell." topheles coldly. The stranger smiled grimly. "As I remarked," "Oh, suit yourself please," said the Professor. he said acidly, "you will shortly be undeceived." "Now, about another matter—er—that opera I "Why," said the Professor, "you will tell me mentioned. Do you know I have always admired next that you are going to simmer me in brimstone it greatly. Your part especially attracts me. I for those ten thousand—er—aeons, you mentioned." think it affords such wonderful histrionic scope. The stranger waved a deprecatory hand. "Oh, You woudn't mind, would you, if I asked you to nothing so crude, I assure you. The old Hell of sing that serenade in the fourth act? You know fiery torment was good enough for the children of the one: 'Till she hath a ring. Ha! Ha!' the Medieval Ages, but mine is a very different Mephistopheles recoiled a step. "I shall cer- affair. It is a Hell of conscience, a Hell of im- tainly do nothing of the sort," he said. agination." "Dear, a pity," sighed the Professor. "A little "But my dear sir," said the Professor jubilantly, later then." "don't you see that that makes my position all the "Neither now, nor later, nor at any time," said stronger. I can imagine one being convinced ag- the other decisively. ainst his will of the existence of excessive heat, for "That's categorical certainly," said the Professor, instance by the simple application of it to his per- "but isn't it a little tautological? And I don't son. But how you propose to convince me of the think it very good grammar. I think neither now existence of such a place as you describe I cannot nor later, would have been sufficient. Still we'll see. I centainly don't believe in a Hell of con- let that pass. All the same, I wouldn't mind bet- science, and I absolutely refuse to imagine it ting anything you like that you'll change your mind absolutely!" and sing it before you go.' Mephistopheles looked puzzled, and a trifle un- "Done!" replied Mephistopheles promptly, "Any- easy. "It certainly is a bit awkward," he agreed. thing I like." He took off his scarlet cap, and proceeded medi- "True to medieval type, certainly," murmured tatively to scratch his head. The Professor saw the Professor, "and the stakes, pray?" two tiny horns peeping out from his strong black "Your ten thousand a-ons," said Mephistopheles, hair. "double or quits?" "Married," murmured the Professor to himself. "Oh if that's all," said the Professor, looking "Poor fellow; who would have thought it?" relieved, "then I don't mind. I feared it might "Eh? What's that?" enquired his guest sharply. be my Ming China, or my Hellenic coins. But," "I merely remarked the evidence of your being and his face fell a little—"If I should lose, or having been married," he explained. "I refer to wouldn't my position as a confirmed and unshak- your frontal adornments." able Agnostic be a trifle—ah—anomalous ?" Mephistopheles put his cap on quickly. "I was "Decidedly," said Mephistopheles, and laughed never married," he said sharply. nastily. "No, no, of course," said the Professor, "I must "Oh well," remarked the Professor, "it's no use apologise. As a matter of fact I am an admirer crying over spilt convictions; but now there are of the older English plays, and for a moment I quite a lot of things I want to ask you." stupidly confused your—er—excrescences with cer- "Yes?" tain corneal appendages with which in the pro- "Well for instance, in your—er—alleged Hell gress of the piece unfortunate husbands occasion- are there, say, any tramcars?" ally manage to get themselves adorned. Please "There, are not" said Mephistopheles. forgive me." "Or an Income Tax Department ?" "Humph," grunted his visitor. "No." "Ah! I knew you would accept my apology," "I don't quite see how there can be a proper said the Professor easily, "but all this time I have Hell," mused the Professor, "without an Income kept you standing. That is very rude of me. Tax Department. Are there any Inspectors of That nurse seems to have made away with every Nuisances, or Mothers-in-law, or jazz bands or available chair, but perhaps you can finci some- Prohibition Campaigns, or last buses home, or thing to sit on." Anecdotists or suffragettes, or spring cleanings, or

„ii!lll [27 ] : * JIIIIIIII]l!li!l!ll!IIIIIIIIIIIIIlllilllllllI!ll!lill!^ THE KIWI JiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiM

* . —,* |

street collections for charities, or Trade Unions, or economical brands in existence. One uses so very g few of them you know." g "For goodness sake stop!" cried Mephistopheles, Mephistopheles transferred his attention to an- g "you make me dizzy. There are none of these other picture §g things." "I would like to burn that confounded thing," he g "Preposterous!" said the Professor. "How can said savagely. M you possibly have a Hell without them?" "What, Susannah and the Elders?" said the g "I don't see how you can reasonably expect Professor in a surprised tone. "Why, it's a master- g them" grumbled Mephistopheles. "People in your piece. A bit rough perhaps." > p position cannot expect to pick and chose you "Oh, I don't mind that, but one cannot really g know." enjoy having one's mistakes perpetuated in immortal g "Quite so, but as Mr. Bernard Shaw says—by canvases." the way I suppose you know his work?—" "Quite" said the Professor sympathetically; "I §§ understand your feelings." g "Intimately," said Mephistopheles; "In fact I "Now that one (pointing to another) I consider g have written most of his plays." a very fine picture." g "Oh," said the Professor, "Oh, indeed ! You— "Which ? Oh the auto-da-fe; artist unknown." g er—astound me. Now what was I saying? Oh, "Yes," said Mephistopheles, musing, "a fine sub- g yes Mr. Bernard Shaw—bother! you've driven ject—always appealed to me. Two hundred per g my quotation out of my head. Never mind, there's cent profit, and no trouble." g another thing I want to ask you. Can you really "Two hundred per cent? I don't quite follow §§ light a cigar with your finger tip as I have heard you." g you can?" "Well, I got the burner, he came under the g Mehistopheles looked pleased. "The thing is clause, 'Inhuman Monsters,' and I got the burnee, g perfectly simple," he said. the heretic, naturally for being a heretic." g The Professor leaned over and with some care "Yes, I understand now," said the Professor. g selected a cigar from the box by his bed. "Sorry "And that reminds me," said Mehistopheles, "it's j§ I can't join you—doctor's orders you know. I about time you came along. My time is rather g can recommend this brand." limited, I am afraid." g Mephistopheles put the cigar between his lips, "Eh ?" said the Professor, "Oh, yes, of course. g and with a fine flourish applied the tip of his third Pardon me, I was just thinking what a pity it was 1 finger to the end. Nothing happened. He took you should come for me just now. I was just g it out quickly and looked at it, and then repeated on the verge of being rich, indescribably rich—the g the gesture. Still no result. He took it out richest man on earth." g again and examined it. "I am afraid," he said For the first time Mephistopheles looked really g rather crestfallen, "that it isn't working very well interested. "Rich" he said, "How?" to-night." "I have just perfected a machine," said the Pro- p "I fancied it might not," murmured the Professor, fessor, "that will—" he glanced cautiously round. g "it's an asbestos one. You see I have a nephew "Yes," said Mephistopheles eagerly. who chanced to remember that yesterday was the " That will •" he sank his voice to a whisper. p first of April." —"that will make gold." Mephistopheles pettishly flung the cigar on the His guest came a step nearer. "Really?" he g floor. "I think that's a stupid trick," he said said. g sullenly. "On my honour," replied the Professor. "Exactly what I thought, my dear sir," blandly "I don't believe you," said the other decisively. g remarked the Professor. "Would you care for me to show you?" said m Mephistopheles snorted and commenced to exam- the Professor. §§ ine one of the pictures on the wall "Anyway," "I would not be averse to the demonstration," §§ he said in a moment, "what did you mean by say- said Mephistopheles casually. g ing you could recommend that brand?" The P rofessor indicated a little box upon the §§ "Entirely on grounds of economy," replied the table by the side of the bed. It was a very un- g Professor. "In fact I think it is one of the best pretentious little affair, no bigger than a cigar box. g

llilillllllllilllllllllllllilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllf ] *ll: :"" '"" * illll!lllllllllll!lllllll!lllll!ll!!lll!!!llil!!l!iilllllll!!! THE KIWI tllllllli™^ = * .,-. . „„»•}:

From one end projected two pieces of green cord "I do," said the Professor; "I find this little ending in small highly-polished brass cylinders. "Be- machine invaluable." hold the fount of riches!" he said grandiloquently. "Will — you — take — it — off ! ! !" yelled His visitor bent over with assumed carelessness and Mephistopheles. "Oh, you'll suffer for this all right." examined the box. There was, however, a wolfish "I wish you wouldn't shout so loud," said the sparkle in his eyes that did not escape the Pro- Professor, "you are quite hoarse already. You fessor. will ruin your voice for that song you promised "Will this really make gold?" he asked. me." "A ton of it if you like," said the Professor. Mephistopheles stopped short and glared at him "If it is only true," murmured the other, "What with sudden understanding. crimes and wars and debauchery would it engen- "Come now," said his host persuasively, "don't der, what discord and chaos! What a harvest I you think you could manage a few bars?" would gather!" "I'll not sing it," moaned the other, "not if you "Ahem!" said the Professor. tear me in pieces." Mephistopheles came out of his reverie with a The Professor smiled slightly, and advanced the jerk. switch. "How does it work?" he snapped. Mephistopheles set his teeth and quivered con- "That I am about to show you," said the Pro- vulsively. fessor. "Would you move the box a little closer "Come, come," said the Professor, "there are please?" six notches left yet. I do think you might do a Mephistopheles did so. little thing like that for a dying man." "Now if you would be good enough to assist me The switch went up a little. by holding those handles," he continued. "It is Mephistopheles howled miserably and tied him- important that they should not touch." self into a knot that would have shamed a con- Mephistopheles grasped the handles. tortionist. "Thanks," murmured the Professor, and turned The switch went up. over a switch. His visitor's face underwent a "Aw w!" he moaned. "I'll sing. I'll sing. rapid transformation. It became first deathly Take it off!" white, then red, then a deep purple. His arms "I would prefer that you sang under the stimu- flexed at the elbows, and began to quiver violently. lus if you don't mind," said the Professor cautious- His knees shook as if with a palsy. ly. "Now One—two—three." "Oh h!" he screamed. "Take it off! "Till she hath a ring—ha! ha!" quavered Mep- oh! it's biting me!" histopheles between spasms. "Excellent!" said the The Professor turned the switch on another Professor and turned back the switch. notch. Mephistopheles loosed the handles, and sank in Mephistopheles shook off his red cap. a heap on the floor, "Burn the thing in Hell!" he shouted. "Take "I'm afraid," said the Professor critically, "that it off!" your voice is just a little out of form." "I wouldn't be in your shoes if nurse comes in Mephistopheles glared at him balefully, and got and catches you making that noise," said the Pro- shakily to his feet. fessor judicially. "You have no idea how severe "That's right," said the Professor briskly. "Now she can be." as to that gold we were speaking of. If you would "Take it off," wailed Mephistopheles; "Oh, be good enough to hold these two handles for a you'll suffer for this!" moment . . ." "You don't happen to suffer from rheumatism, With a howl, Mephistopheles disappeared in a I suppose?" asked the Professor. blinding flash of light, leaving a strong odour of "Take it off!" burnt sulphur in the room. "You haven't answered my question," said the The Professor lay back on the pillows and laugh- Professor reprovingly. ed weakly "Take it no, no, I don't. Take it off," The door opened again, and there entered an howled Mephistopheles; "Confound you eternally, old, old man, whose snowy beard swept to his make it let me go!" waist. In one hand he bore a scythe, in the other

iiiiiHiiiiiiiiifiiiy [29] * THE KIWI an hour glass. As he held it up the last grain of nedly. "Yes, I'm ready. At least, as ready as sand fell to the bottom. "Are you ready?" he I ever shall be I suppose. Do you know, I thought asked in a deep yet gentle tone. it was my last visitor coming back again. He left "Oh! it's you, is it?" said the Professor resig- his cigar behind him."

The Foolish Virgins

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[3! ] =* """' '"""" '"" * gfillllllli™ THE KIWI I .siilIllllllUilillM^iiiIi^i^riiiHiilliaHIIIIIHIIIIiaiBIH««Bi!iinmiiaB ..i.JI'nHfMlinnil^ 1 & . „„„, ,„„„ 1

Our Political Article

Government by Order-in-Council, with a particular consideration of the Bus Regulations

rpHE Kiwi of 1921 was responsible, as are all and unfair provision, that "the motor omnibus fare Kiwis perhaps (present company excepted), in respect of any passenger paid between any places for the publication of many literary atrocities. served by tram or trackless trolley, shall be at least The Kiwi in question, however, is remark- two-pence more than the corresponding tram or able in at least one respect: that in it appears the trolley fare." first attempt to introduce a "Political Article" in And the effect of this rule was that any person the A.U.C. Magazine. In the writer's opinion wishing to ride in a bus along a tram route for a the political article should be a feature of every distance entirely covered by the tram, was com- issue of a University Magazine; but when this opin- pelled to pay two-pence more than the tram fare ion was somewhat hesitatingly offered to the Editor, for the privilege of doing so. The Bus owner, that gentleman, as he accepted the idea, smilingly whether he wished to do so or not, was compelled but firmly shifted on to the present writer's shoul- to charge his extra two-pence. ders the responsibility for putting pen to paper. It was attempted to justify this provision on the An article of this type must perforce be scrappy grounds that the tramways in Auckland were and disjointed, as it always attempts in a compara- working at a loss and that the only way to make tively short space to deal in turn with perhaps them pay was to raise the price of the bus-trans- half a dozen subjects absolutely distinct in them- port against the traveller, so that a traveller was selves but linked together by the word "political" at compelled to ride in the trams, or, (if he preferred to ride in the bus) to pay the extra two-pence). It the head of this page. The first of these subjects to was argued that if this regulation were not enforc- commend itself to the writer's attention is the Bus ed the people would continue to ride in the buses, Regulations, which, even as these lines are being and that the tramways in that case would not pay; written are the subject of an enquiry before a that if the tramways did not pay, the City Coun- Select Committee of the House of Representatives. cil would have to foot the bill; that in that case The Bus Regulations are, to, my mind, doubly dam- the city rates would have to be increased to meet ned, the method employed in making them law and the deficit. the matter and effect of the Regulations themselves The result of this chain of argument would clear- being almost equally objectionable. Passing over ly be as follows; that the city had purchased the the method (Order-in-Council) for the moment the trams at a certain price, and that this purchase effect of the Regulations is worth a little considera- would result in an annual loss unless the Govern- tion. ment, by regulations, forced the traveller to pay THE EFFECT OF THE REGULATIONS extra so as to save the ratepayer from an increase in rates. The Regulations purported to be passed for the While it must be admitted that the travellers and safe regulation and control of motor-bus traffic and the ratepayers are to a great extent the same per- did not appear upon their face to have any other sons, I think it is a very wrong principle that the purpose. The fact that the Licensing Authority traveller as such should pay extra to save the rate- set up under the Regulations consisted (at least in payer an increase in the rates that he should the case of the Auckland District) of the City properly pay. Council, itself actively engaged in the business of While discussing this topic it is interesting to transport in distinct competition with the Bus Own- notice the opinion expressed by the Hon. W. Dow- ers, was in itself an indication that one of the ef- nie Stewart, a member, and an influential member, fects, not to say aims of the Regulations, was to of the Cabinet which propounded the Bus Regu- put the Municipal Tramways in an exceedingly ad- lations. In 1910 this gentleman, together with vantageous position. But the Regulations when Professor J. E. Le Rossignol, published an able they appeared, contained a further most drastic little volume entitled, "State Socialism in New Zea-

n-' i' miir- [132 ] * | THE KIWI * ..,

land." This book contains a most interesting ex- land-tax was constituted a charge on the land in amination of the working of the State Fire Insur- respect of which it was assessed, and the Commis- ance Office in New Zealand, and discusses at some sioner of Taxes was empowered to register this- length the position arising from the lowering of charge against the title to the land in question with- premiums by that office. The writers point out in one year after the tax became due. If the charge that owing to the fall in the rates of premiums oc- was not registered within the year, the remedy casioned by the action of the State Fire Office, the of charging the land was lost. The question of Insurance companies operating in New Zealand charging the land for arrears was disposed of by made a net loss of about £159,000 in the year the 1924 Act, which ^provided that a charge for any 1908, the net loss of the State Fire Office being arrears could be registered up to the 1 I th April, £5707. This amount was a clear gain to insurers 1925, but not afterwards. as a class, but would have to be found in the long Relying on the words of the Act many solicit- run out of the pocket of the taxpayer. ors and others throughout New Zealand assumed "It may be," concludes the writers, "that the in- on April 12th, 1925, that the titles of the land held suring public is almost co-extensive with the taxpay- by them were free from the shadow of land-tax ing public, but taxpayers as such should pay taxes, arrears that had hovered over them for the last and insurers as such should pay premiums, and year. To their horror a notice appeared in the "Ga- any mixing up of the obligations can only work in- zette" whereby the time for registering the charges jury to all concerned." was "extended' ' to the 11th July, 1925 by Order- in-Council. The only ground for extending the Surely this case is parallel with the facts of the time was that the Commissioner had not been able Bus dispute. If it is wrong in principle to make to register all the charges he wanted before April the taxpayers as such pay the fire losses of the in- 11th. surers (even though "the taxpaying public is almost It is interesting to note the words of Section 173 co-extensive with the insuring public") it is equally of the Act which gave authority for the Order-in- wrong to make the travelling public pay the in- Council: "When anything required by this Act to crease in the rates which the ratepayer should pro- be done within a fixed time cannot be or is not so perly bear as an inevitable consequence of a badly- done the Governor-General by Order-in-Council judged purchase, of the municipal tramway system. may from time to time appoint some other a further time for doing same" ! THE METHOD EMPLOYED This power, Members of Parliament were no The method employed by the Government in doubt led to believe, would never be used in any making the Bus Regulations law was as objection- case except in great necessity. But it was used in able as the matter of the Regulations themselves. this case, in spite of the fact that the 1924 Act ex- Government by Order-in-Council is becoming far pressly said that "The Commissioner shall have no too frequent in New Zealand. Although nearly right to receive any land tax from any successor every Act passed by our Parliament gives power to in title unless he has registered a charge within six the Government through the Minister in charge of months after the commencement of this Act." The the department concerned to legislate by means of Act commenced on October 11th, 1924. Can a Order-in-Council, the power should never be used more glaring case of the misuse of a discretionary except in cases of great emergency, or where the power be found in the history of New Zealand? effect of the Order will be unimportant and will But as long as our Parliament persists in signing not adversely affect any great number of people. blank cheques such as are constituted by the sec- It is obvious that no person likely to be affected has tion I have quoted above, the country is bound to any chance to be heard in opposition to a proposed suffer by the misuse of the powers given thereby. new regulation, if it is to become law by Order-in- Council ; as in the case of the Bus Regulations the rules appear first, and the storm comes afterwards.

One of the worst cases of legislation by Order- Dave Steen is now coaching the ladies— in-Council which has come to my knowledge was You'd thinly him afflicted with rabies the "Land Tax Order," which appeared in the When he stands on the line, "Gazette" of 1925 (page 1043). By the Land And he yells all the time, and Income Tax Acts of 1923 and 1924, unpaid And consigns the poor players to Hades !

133] i![:[|[l!(l[l!illill i THE KIWI imiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Jiillllllllllllllllllllll

Clingstones

T AM a woman-hater. In fact, I have been a ted to remove same by suction, I restrained the in- woman-hater for a week. I wear black sox clination, recalling Rule 37 of S.B. of E. There and am growing a beard. In the hope that the remained one other peach. I revised my rules truthful account of my treatment by a Woman carefully: (1) spear peach with fork (if pro- may lead Certain young Men at the University to vided); (2) cut peach with edge of spoon (if change their ways, I am putting it here. provided). Returning to the attack, I tackled low. Tragedy loomed over that little luncheon party. I took Celandine to lunch at Vilne's. I had With a bird-like motion, the disgusting fruit sped fallen under the sweet sunshine of her smile, the across the table, wobbled a moment and finally lovely lispings of her little lips, the—but why ex- came to a halt beside Celandine's fruit salad. It plain ? You have seen Celandine. squatted and regarded her coyly. I considered the Judge that I did everything in best way. I ate situation gravely. Should Celandine hand it back beforehand at Handford's, took off my hat in on her spoon, or in her fingers, or should I go the lift—and all that sort of thing. In short, I had round and spoon it up, or should I call the waitress studied the Student's Book of Etiquette for three to retrieve same ? But the S.B. of E. had not pro- weeks. vided for such an emergency. My ready wit came to my aid. "Add to flavour My table manners were irreproachable. I of your salad," I said brightly. Celandine in- drank soup with a delicate moue. I swallowed my timated that that was possible. But one thing fish-bones in approved style. I avoided lettuce and was impossible, and it was that I could add much fried onions, as all in love should. I find that to her disgust. Her disgust ! after all my—— not even the method favoured by S.B. of E. of oh, well ! Women ! winding them round one's knife quite overcomes the tails, which have a tendency to trickle down the If you won't be warned, and insist on taking chin. Likewise, I avoided green peas, being under Celandine to lunch, at least steer clear of peaches. an oath never to eat same until square plates are in Or if you must eat peaches, at least take a few vogue. Olives, I declined, as there was no nut- tips from any member of C.U. who was at Te- cracker on the table, and I consider it a breach muka. They are the only living authorities. Oh ! of good manners to crack nuts with the teeth. Women ! —M.M. I refrained from pouring my coffee into the saucer and cooled it by causing slight draughts by movement of hat above surface of cup. I felt I was progressing favourably when dessert arrived. Mongol I had ordered peaches, and attacked them care- lessly, with a light jest to Celandine about my fond- A Colour Fantasy by C.L.R, ness for the name—so appropriate. HE blood drips down from the brazen roclj At this point, the peach under discussion jazzed T And the soaring dragon screams. drunkenly across the plate, dislodging a consider- And purple glows his glancing crest able quantity of juice, which came to rest In the red sun's crimson beams. on the cloth. I blushed for it, and drew The rock ,s the rock °f sacrifice; the plate over the lake. This proved a It glints with violet lights, false move. At the next onslaught, the While a yellow priest in saffron robes plate waltzed wickedly in the direction of Celan- Performs its mystic rites. dine, who remarked that if I were so fond of peaches, I might keep them on my own side of the And ever and ever the Dragon cries, table. I am a determined dog. I speared the As he broods o'er his altar dark, peach and fiercely hacked it into pieces suitable And the blood drips red on the nodding head for human consumption. Much golden peach was Of the yellow priest whose soul is dead, left clinging to the stone and, though I felt temp- Yet it leaves no stain or mark.

Illllilllllllllllllllllllllllli [34 ] fe ] THE KIWI Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii 5 *

What's This? Being a Dissertation Defying Definition

T AM a man of strong resolutions. You prob- endless scope for local topic, caricatures of people ably know the type—square jaw, firm mouth, in the public eye, and, in fact, all those forms head well set on a strong neck protruding from of defamation dear to amateur play-wrights and deep shoulders. Broad forehead, prominent nose, other literary hacks. If any care to use it, wel- steely eyes which bore you like a gimlet. When come. As for me, such a type of craft is beneath I make up my mind to do a thing, it is, as a rule, me. as good as done. But in some cases, it hurts my But to return to our main theme, the quest for pride to have to admit, one has to show more than a subject worthy of our pen. (Note the 'We'; al- a mere resolution, some thing more tangible than a ready we have begun to soar.) Perhaps it should bold entry into one's mental minute book. For the be a literary study. Shakespeare?—no; a topic world is no longer peopled with those believing souls far too hackneyed. Byron?—no; 'tis said he once who say "No, No, do not do it; we know you did something smack. He is beneath our plane. can." Too rare are such occasions as when Rua, The Moderns?—No; revolutionaries whom we having proclaimed to all the Maoris of the Bay of do Plenty that he would walk upon the waters of the not recognise. Whakatane River, stood before the huge concourse Hold! I of spectators who had thronged to see the miracle. —we have it. Midst a breathless hush Amid intense silence the prophet walked calmly out we announce it. "The Limerick; Its Place in upon the river's bank. Contemporary Literature." Now we may be- "Believe ye that I can walk upon the waters ?" gin:— he asked. It would be fallacious, nay, may we say, even "Yes, yes, we believe," shouted the multitude. criminal, did we neglect to assign to this remark- "Then since the faith is all in all, if ye believe, able form of literature its proper position in the what need for more? I need not walk." pattern of the mosaic of our contemporary writ- And the people returned to their homes aston- ings. It is the vivacious, yet mis-shapen drawf. ished. Midst a multitude of more elegant, more sober forms, it runs an inconsistent, irresponsible course. I fear that for my present resolve such histrion- Let us take a few instances. ism will avail me nothing. For I have made up How bizzare is this treatment of the tragic theme my mind to write an article for the Kiwi. Each of mortal hunger: — night as I have lain in bed, ideas have chased There was a young monf( of Siberia each other through my tired brain like rats across Whose fasting grew wearier and wearier, the rafters of a deserted building. Each morning He burst from his cell, has seen them snug in their holes again. And so, Till at last with a yell, for weeks and weeks this nightly resolution has And devoured the Father Superior. lacked fulfilment, and even now I do not know Where could be found a more unusual commen- what I shall write about. tary on the cult of psychology than this?— Before I go any further, I should like to make There Was a faith-healer of Deal known an inspiration which occurred to me. At Who said, "Although pain isn't real," least, it is the beginning of one, but it might be use- When I ful to some contributor to the next number of sit on a pin, Kiwi. Here it is: — And it punctures my sl(in, It is a crafty Editor, I dislike what I fancy I feel." And he stoppeth one of three. or this:— "By thy blue serge suit and butterfly, There was a young man of Kilpeacon Now, wherefore stopp'st thou me ?" Whose nose was as red as a beacon; But by saying "It's white!" I am quite sure that such an opening must give Twenty times day and night, He cured it—and died an archdeacon.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIH1IIIIIII1II1II1H [35 ] * iilllllllliflllllllffi! | THE KIWI J •k „„„„„,„, ^

Within the bounds of the five lines of the limerick within the reach of the tender and impressionable there is space, too, for a trenchant criticism of con- law-student:— temporary Japanese literature:— There was an old man of Blacfyheath, There lvas a young bard of Japan Who sal on a pair of false teeth. Who wrote verses that no one could scan. He exclaimed, "Dear, oh dear! They told him 'twas so ; I very much fear He replied, "Yes, I know, I've bitten myself underneath." But I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can." But here we must leave our study of the limerick. The reader must see whither our path leads, and why we may not follow. There are many things The inconsistencies and discrepancies abounding to consider—the susceptibilities of professors, in the orthography of our native tongue are merci- the unblemished reputation of the editor, yes, and lessly laid bare in the following: — other things. There was a young curate of Salisbury Thus gentle reader, being fairly begun, and mak- Whose manners were halisbury—scalisbury ing such commendable progress, we are confronted He walketh about Hampshire by an insurmountable obstacle. The divine course Without any pampshire of the seeker of knowledge is stopped. Further, Till his vicar compelled him to walisbury. it is already to-morrow, and we must make an end.

There's a don-cher-know chappie named Chol- It is a case of the Unfinished Symphony. We mondeley are not the first to leave a great work incomplete. Whose visage is not at all colmondeley. Schubert, Dickens, Stevenson and many more have At the Zoo he was spied done it, and we must be added to the list. And at once lodged inside "Believe you, gentle reader, that we can write The barboon-cage. (This reads rather rolmon- an article for the Kiwi?" deley.) "Yes," we hear the confident answer. And again there is that type which is the bane "Then need we not do it." of the social reformer. How it pains the truly Nor have we ! high-minded to see such doggerel as this placed A.E.

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lll!lllll!lll!lll!lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllli!lllllllllllillllllll!lllll!ll [36] THE KIWI *

Barbara and the Burglar

"•pLEASE don't move," said Barabara, plain- "But surely he's starving? He must be!" tively, "I don't know much about revolvers, "No-o! He looked particularly well-fed about but I seem to remember that if one does move three or four hours ago. But he might be starving and I press this little thing, there's apt to be an now," he finished hopefully. "He's almost sure accident. Of course it might be the window, to be hungry!" but—" Barbara brightened visibly. "What'H we do "Of course," agreed the burglar, "it might also now ?" she asked cheerfully. be me. Accidents will happen even in the best "Er—send for the police ?" the suggestion was regulated burglaries. I quite understand." tentative. "Yes," continued Barbara, "and my First Aid The burglar shook his head decisively. "No!" is so shaky. Extracting a foreign body from the he said firmly. "To a person of your unique and eye is my masterpiece—but, you see, it mightn't be aesthetic temperament, the dull mediocrity of the your eye!" police would be intolerable!" "Oh quite," said the burglar, "it's as well not Barbara sighed with relief. to risk these things. I suggest switching on the light. My battery is almost used, and—well "It's simply wonderful," she said soulfully, perfect strangers in the dark, you know, it just "how we think alike! Then there's only one isn't done, is it ?" thing—to discuss your past. Are you a remit- "Not in the best circles!" Barbara acquised, and tance man, the black sheep of an aristocratic family switched on the light. He was both young and of proud lineage?" handsome. Barbara sighed happily and settled "Nothing so hopelessly commonplace," he assur- on the edge of the table, aimlessly swinging one red her. "My father's motto was—'Always forge foot and toying with the revolver. "Anything else your own cheques and don't trust to someone else's you'd like ?" she queried. bungling!' O benefactress mine, I was once a "The sound of soda-water, gurgling slowly into law student at the Auckland University! I sat half a glass of whisky would be cheerful!" he for Latin!" ruminated. "Oh," Barbara broke in, sympathetically, "you failed? and the failure turned you against man- "Undoubtedly! But long before there was any kind?" soda-water to gurgle you would be very comfort- "No!" answered the burglar, solemnly, "I pass- ably settled in your Opium Den in Freeman's ed! and the shock of the unparalled unprecedented Bay " she broke off anxiously, "You do live success, temporarily unhinged my mind. I took to in an Opium Den in Freeman's Bay, don't you ?" gingerale—followed the downward path of ruin— He bowed his head. and now!" he spread his carefully manicured hands "I'm sorry," he answered in low, sad tones, in a gesture of hopeless resignation. "you can't believe how sorry I am, but I live in a Thrilling with horrified pity, Barbara laid down flat." the revolver, clasped her hands, and regarded his "Not in Remuera?" Barbara's voice was a immaculate Oxford bags. shriek of agony. She rose abruptly. "Don't The ex-student had once played football. With kill all my girlish dreams!" rapid advance, attack and retreat, he seized the "No," he denied, "not in Remuera; but nearly revolver, shot out the light, and disappeared. as bad,—it cuts me to the quick to have to ruin * * * your illusions—Epsom, the best part of Epsom!" Barbara sighed and turned over in bed. No! Barbara staggered back against the table, her burglars like that were as mythical as law-students eyes hopelessly tragic. "And now," she said who passed in Latin; and the noise in the kitchen piteously, "I suppose you'll tell me you haven't was bound to be nothing but the cat! a wife and thirteen starving child ren .J She heaved another sigh, and returned to the land "Only a dog," he confessed reluctantly. of dreams.

[37] l!!lli!lllllll!ili!l!ll!llll THE KIWI

THE A deputation of militant fascists arrived from New Zealand hear-all Italy disguised as the Sistine Choir. The reaction- ary party gained control of the Council of Church WITH WHICH IS INCORPORATED Congregations, the Education Board, Lyceum The Auckland Baah Club, and the Blind Institute. Through these channels they poisoned the pliant minds of the old men, women and children. Finally they have THURSDAY. APRIL 1, 1930 gained complete control of the University. The students have been foremost in strike-break- ing. They have been ready at all times to man THE FACIST MENACE and load ships. The veteran graduates who were temporary seamen during the shipping strikes of 1922 and 1925, have been the recipients of much maudlin hero-worship. This intolerant spirit has Fascism is no longer confined to Italy. It is been revealed in bitter debates with the Labour present in a most malignant form in Auckland. Party. The extent of a corresponding militarist It has permeated all classes of the community with movement is evidenced by the unwritten law that amazing rapidity and has revealed itself in out- only commissioned territorial officers could handle bursts of unprecedented violence. Yesterday the the correspondence of the Students' Association. disquieting information was furnished that it was We hold no brief for Communism, yet we re- firmly established in our University college. Little gard Fascism as the greater peril. Communism did those citizens who watched the construction of avowedly has no respects for the rights of private the ornate tower, who so generously responded to property, the freedom of the Press and the Rotary the appeal for funds, who so patiently listened to Club. Fascism seeks to substitute "big-stick" the speeches at the opening ceremony, imagine that methods for Parliamentary Government. It strikes the building would so soon harbour the enemies of direct at the root of British freedom. It overawes political freedom. Yet it has been shown beyond opposition by the bayonets of the army and silences doubt that the College is a veritable hot-bed of criticism by a vigorous censorship of the Press. fascism. The various societies which nominally Whether he be Mussolini, de Rivera, Pangalos or direct the social, scholastic, athletic, and spiritual Parr, the dictator is always a despot and as such activities of the students are mere fascist organisa- has no place in a democratic community. Time tions secretly working for the overthrow of consti- alone will show whether or not the citizens of tutional government and the establishment of a Auckland will rally round their elected repre- Dictatorship. sentatives and prevent the threatened usurpation of Fascism is the logical outcome of the chaos authority by a militant minority. that accompanied post-war reconstruction. The collapse of empires, dynasties, and currencies, the presence of millions of unemployed, left Europe a UNIVERSITY SENSATION prey to Communism. The rights of private pro- perty were endangered. Something had to be FASCIST PLOT DISCOVERED done. Parliaments had failed; only a strong hand back by the bayonets of a united people SERIOUS POSITION REVEALED could succeed. Communism was suppressed but the greater tyranny of Fascism took its place. ALLEGATIONS OF TERRORISM Events of a similar nature encouraged the growth of the movement in Auckland. Financial Prompt action by the police has saved Auckland depression led to popular discontent. The strike from an outbreak of Fascism of a most violent na- of Zoo employees brought matters to a climax and ture. A raid on the University College yester- a state of anarchy followed. Order had to be day resulted in the opportune arrest of a number maintained. A Mussolini was needed. "Do as of students alleged to be members of the New Zea- Rome does" became a popular cry. The impor- land Fascisti. tation of Italian safety matches, "fiammiferi di 1 here is evidence of an extensive plot for depos- sicurezza," and Roman candles added fuel to ing the civic authorities and establishing a dictator- flames of discontent. ship similar to that of Spain, Italy and the Bay of

l!!!lll!!l!!!!!li;:i;i!ll [38] '"" ^

^iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiu^ THE KIWI |lll!llll!llillllllll!llill!!llll!l^ & „„„,

Islands. The central authority directing the move- THE 1 ment is known as the C.U. Its power is supreme New Zealand Hear-all throughout the College. At the present time detectives are investigating WITH WHICH IS INCORPORATED the disappearance of several students known to be opposed to Fascism and the C.U. It is feared that they have been victims of foul play and all re- The Auckland Baah| fuse at the destructor is to be sifted for traces of THURSDAY, APRIL 1, 1930 human bones. The police are reticent regarding this latest de- velopment and decline to make a statement until a HEARALL'S INVESTIGATIONS thorough search has been made of all hotels and billiard saloons in the city. COLLEGE SOCIETIES DESCRIBED

SUCCESS OF RAID FURTHER ALARMING DETAILS Smart Work by Detectives

At 4.30 p.m. yesterday a party of police visited It has been common knowledge in well-inform- m the University Building in Princes Street. In- ed circles for some time past that sinister in- J spector O'Flanigan was in charge and he had fluences were at work among the students. With §| with him Detectives Kelly, Murphy and Casey, and characteristic regard for the well-being of the pub- M Constables O'Grady and O'Reilly. lie, the Hearall instructed its Special Commis- g Leaving the constables to watch the exits, the in- sioner to investigate the matter. This work nat- M spector and detectives entered by the main door, urally called for no small measure of personal m disguised as American tourists. On application fortitude. On March 28, when he had almost J at the College office they were furnished with a completed his search our Commissioner failed to re- §j guide and an interpreter. Inspector O'Flanigan turn to his lodgings. Fears were entertained for j| in the role of Calvin T. Klink of Dayton, Tenn., his safety and the matter is in the hands of the M well-known in Rotary and K.K.K. circles, was police. Yesterday they dragged the lily pond in §| warmly welcomed by the executive of the C.U., Albert Park and horse-troughs in the neighbour- fg which was in session. On rising to reply, he made hood. a sign to the detectives, who moved to the doors, Fortunately the Hearall possesses our Commis- f§ and covered the assembly with their automatics. sioner's notes, which read as follows:— Resistance was out of the question and the stu- March 6. Arrived at Arts Building, Princes M dents were quickly disarmed and hand-cuffed with- Street, disguised as Grammar Old Boy with Higher J out bloodshed. The inspector next visited the Leaving Certificate and spectacles. Interviewed g rooms of the Billiard Club where it was well janitor, registrar, gardener, students, barmen and = known the more militant and reckless students others. g were accustomed to meet to receive instructions from the C.U. Here Detective Casey, represent- March 7. Further formalities. Signed Oath || ing himself as Willard Q. Chalk, billiard cham- of Allegiance, Visitors' Book. Fingerprints g pion of U.S.A., was given a reception befitting an taken. Paid College Fee, Income Tax, and Stamp g athlete of international repute and was induced to Duty. Ordered to report daily to police and pro- j show his skill. duce proof that am not a part-time student. While interest was centred in the game, the of- March 10. Fully-qualified Under-grad. Ex- g ficers moved to the exits and drew their pistols. Up- amined building. Tested windows locks and bars. g roar ensued, and some of the more desperate stu- (Particular attention to latter). Tapped all wains- gj dents rushed to the doors. However, a well-di- coting and panelling. rected fire soon told in the densely-crowded room March 12. Attended meeting of C.U. (The jj and the survivors allowed themselves to be hand- men who get things done). Saluted flag. Signed g cuffed. petitions against Bus Regulations, Dairy Control. M

[39 ] * * piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii THE KIWI * , , , „„„„# i

Issued with arms and equipment. Callsign C.U.S. Cable address: Boodle. O.4. March 20. Investigated Studass. Kind of Legis- Invited to C.U.T., but have already a meet for lative Council. No real authority now. Power next Sunday. has passed to C.U. during last decade. March 1 5. Sworn in as a member of the Sisocfy. Sole activity: Collection of 'phone tolls. Secured copy of code-book (Whirley's 4th edition). March 21. Made hit with young lady. Invited Visited corpse factory and asphixiation works and to join Field Club excursion to Rangitoto but am returned. already booked up for Saturday. March 16. Attended Lit. Club. Motto: Blood and Fire. (Hence name). Code: S.T.A.R. March 23. Secured entry to Billiard Club by (2nd. Ed.) bribery. Named after former popular premier. March 18. Com. Soc. Branch of Chamber of March 24. Eavesdropped at meeting of Stu- Commerce but puts on no luncheons. Represented dents Committee. Discussion re distribution of myself as Mr. Woods, medicine maker, and nomin- locker receipts.. Finally left in hands of sec- ated as member. Read paper on "The Price of retary. (I will get to know him.) Fish." Chief activity : Supplying of liquor to gen- Code: L.S.D. (2nd Edition). uine members of C.U. .

Personal Notes of Past Students

Miss Edna Bowell, B.A., is on the staff of St. Miss C. Priestley to L. K. Munro, LL.M. Cuthbert's College. Miss I. Cameron to C. C. Robinson, M.A. Miss L. Forde, M.A., has joined the staff of the Miss E. Stallworthy, B.A., to Rev. T. Blight. Auckland Girls' Grammar School. MARRIAGES Miss J. Robertson, B.A., is teaching at Thames High School. L. Tompkins to Miss M. Manning. E. Robins, B.Sc., has joined the staff of the W. A. E. Leonard, B. Com., to Miss M. Rose. Mt. Albert Grammar School. N. R. Stewart to Miss C. Brass. R. P. Anchutz, M.A., gained an extra post- N. R. Stewart, B. Com., to Miss T. H. Batts. graduate scholarship in Arts. He will study at J. A. S. Coppard to Miss C. Brass. Edinburgh and Paris. G. T. Bellhouse, M.A., to Miss Allen. R. O. Sinclair, LL.B., is on a visit to England. T. Sparling to Miss K. Wells. Next year Professors C. W. Egerton and A. B. BIRTHS Fitt will take their Sabbatical Year. During their I o Professor and Mrs. Fitt, a son. absence, S. F. Meiklejohn is to act as assistant in To Mrs. and Mrs. G. McB. Salt, a daughter. the English department, while A. B. Thompson, To Dr. and Mrs. R. P. Greville, a daughter. M.A., W. H. Entwhistle, M.A., and W. McKin- To Mr. and M rs. J. C. Rennie, a daughter. lay, M.A., will share duties in the department To Mr. and Mrs. G. M. Simpson, a daughter. of Education. * Rev. and Mrs. G. 1 . Bellliouse are spending their honeymoon in Italy. Their residence will PING PONG be in Eton Square, London. The open season for mixed doubles will com- mence shortly. Our thanks are due in this connec- ENGAGEMENTS tion to J . . . A s whose unflagging interest Miss T. Brown to A. Upton. in this sport has made it what it is. Miss J. Carroll to A. Welham. * Miss K. Latimer, B.A., to L. Brooker. ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS Miss K. Merritt, M. A., to F. Moore. " Fhe girl who took the wrong turning":—Sorry Miss N. Kalaugher, M.A., to T. J. Cotter. we can't print your letter. Try Truth. Miss ISl- Acheson to D. H. Steen, M. Com. Extract from the Carnical Report : "Little diffi- Miss M. Martin, B.A., to F. M. Keesing, M.A. culty was experienced in getting a full cast.

:!"!i"!!!!!llllll!l!!!!ll!li!l!lll!!!!l!!l!!l!llllllllllllll!lll!lllll!l! .JUIIIIHIIII llllllllllll!l!!lll!!!ii!!li! ilili'lESIIiihliiliilT'^ [40] 5f> """" " * ^hm-::i--'^i!iniiiHtHii>n!nii!!Hinnin:n>nfRfimfmiHiiii^ THE KIWI 1 & ,.„ 4 1

The 'Varsity Girl

Sports Clubs Notes

WOMEN'S HOCKEY we have our own practice ground, as individual work is good. This year again, three players rPHE. first round of games has finished without represented our Club in the Auckland teams for marked success for our Club, although never Country Week. before have we had such enthusiastic teams. Both June 2nd.—The Waikato team was invited to teams have shown the need of practice but the dinner in the Cafeteria: later they defeated Rotorua eagerness of the Juniors has been repaid by a cer- and so won the tournament. tain measure of success denied to the Seniors, who, July 26th.— 1 st annual medley; Hockey v. Bas- more or less stimulated by earnest barracking, have ketball team at Basketball—24-23. extended leading teams and then gone down before July 31st.—Combined Hockey dance. the weakest. This erratic play can surely be remedied when Later we hope to meet the Basketball team at

[41 ] * j THE KIWI * *

Hockey when we will have our own weapons. Both are solid, hard worked and hard working and As the Hockey season is not yet half finished save for an occasional lack of thought in placing, we hope to redeem ourselves in the next round— they both clear well. perhaps by some of the Indian tricks we watched Halves — Miss Morison, Miss Johnson, Miss with such appreciation. Neely. Miss Morison sticks to the ball well and feeds "One stop it, and another hit it !" her wing consistently, though a little more weight L. M. CRANWELL, Hon. Sec. behind her stick would help considerably. Miss Johnson is playing a good game and works hard at centre. She supports her forwards well and is kept busy helping the full-backs. Miss Neely uses her stick decidedly well. She displays LADIES' SENIOR HOCKEY good judgment in placing and, given the necessity, ELEVEN can put some force behind the strokes. Forwards—Miss Colbeck, Miss McNickle, Miss TNDIVIDUALLY speaking, there is no, team Clevely, Miss Graham, Miss Mawson. Miss Col- in the grade better than our own eleven. It beck on the left wing, has a fine turn of speed and is in team play that its chief weakness lies; lack of is playing a remarkably good game. Her stick- combined effort accounts more than anything else work has improved tremendously and with exper- for its present position in the grade. ience, she will overcome the eagerness which some- The forwards are proving true to University times loses her the ball. Misses McNickle, Cleve- type; they can manoeuvre the ball into the circle, ly and Graham, the three inside forwards, are put- only to lose opportunity either through poor shoot- ting in much useful work in the field, but, when in ing or scratchy play. In the field the play is the circle, lose their confidence and spoil the effect good though the two insides are apt to crowd rather of their really good field play. Miss Mawson, much on the centre. on the right wing, is a fine wing player, though, of The halves support the forwards and feed them late, she has not been sufficiently well fed. She is well. In attack they play well, but on the defensive very speedy and centres and shoots well. Given there is not the cohesion between them and the more opportunities and experience she will do well. full-backs that should exist. Both full-backs work like trojans, though at times, through lack of understanding with the halves, they are not quick enough at coming to the HOCKEY CLUB support of the goalkeeper who has, too often, to stem the attack single handed. The 1926 season has opened most auspiciously If the team could manage some practice in com- for the club. Four teams were entered in the bined play and its members remember to keep posi- competitions, a senior, a second-grade and two tion, there is no reason whatsoever why it should third-grade teams. The seniors have not yet been not improve its position in the grade. Not once defeated in 10 matches, drawing in the first round during the season has it been soundly trounced; lost with Somerville, the present leaders. They have opportunities have beaten it most often. Let the a strong chance of winning the championship. teams remember there are two wings and not to The second-grade team has also done well and is overwork and starve a particular wing on alter- quite capable of winning in its grade; but unfor- nate Saturdays. The backs must clear towards tunately while they have defeated the leading their own halves or the opposite ones—not in the teams in the grade, they have suffered a reversal centre of the field. Above all, let the forwards, of form and gone down to weaker teams on three when they reach the circle, shoot, given the oppor- occasions. tunity, and always hit cleanl}'. Finally, remem- The third-grade A team has performed very ber to chase the ball and not wait for it. creditably, winning most of its matches to date; Goalkeeper—Miss Cranwell. Plays a sterling while the third B team which is composed mostly game and stops well, especially with the pads. She of players in their first season at hockey has shown might occasionally adopt rushing tactics with ad- very considerable promise. vantage. The club offers its congratulations to the follow- Full-backs—Miss Hardie and Miss Dunning. ing members who have obtained rep. honours.

[42] """ ¥ THE KIWI *=

The Club Captain, Mr. E. A. Burton captained R. V. BURTON (Inside-right).—Is not quite the Auckland reps against the Indian Army of the same standard. He has worked well, but team on July 3rd and was also a prominent for- his play lacks variety and cleverness. He has ward in the New Zealand team in all three test scored some timely goals. matches. Messrs C. B. Radcliffe and F. R. CLAYTON (Centre-forward).—He opens up Leonard also were members of the Auckland team the game in a very unselfish fashion and battles and G.G. Seelen and A.M. Spencer were chosen hard. Does not seem to be having his old success in the Junior Auckland Reps. in the circle. On 28th and 29th May, an Inter-Varsity tour- E. A. BURTON (Inside-left) Captain.—Auck- nament among the four Colleges was held in Wel- land and New Zealand representative. With lington. A fairly strong team was sent down, improved support he has given brighter displays but playing soon after the all-night train journey, this season. Controls the ball well. unfortunately lost the first game to Victoria College, HAMILTON (Left-wing).—Has been improv- 2—-1. In the second match the team showed bet- ing all along. He attacks well, but could deliver ter form and defeated Canterbury by three goals a stronger centring hit. Is a very useful man in to one. The tournament was won by the Otago the circle. team which won both its matches.

M. A. BROOK, Hon Sec. SECOND GRADE

The excellent work of this team has been mar- THE PLAYERS red by inconsistency. It has defeated the strong- est teams, and been beaten by the weakest. Seelan FIRST GRADE was the outstanding forward, and was selected as STEEN. (Goalkeeper).—Has improved a an Auckland Junior representative. All the other great deal. He uses his feet well, and rushes out forwards, however, were not much below his stan- with great judgment. His speciality is winning dard. Among the backs, Thompson was a great penalty bullies. worker. Goodenough and Leonard played some DOBSON and N. A. LEONARD (Full- good games. Linton, in goal, repeatedly saved backs).—Both started shakily, but profited by the his side in brilliant fashion. The team was: — experience of the first few matches of senior hockey. Meiklejohn (Captain), Linton, Morton, Good- They have got rid of a tendency to over-much enough, W. A. E. Leonard; Thompson, Levien, speculation, and are now playing many good games. Hay, Beeche Seelan, Hunt, Spencer, Davy. Dobson intercepts well, and hits correctly. Leon- ard's play is one of the more solid types, but he THIRD GRADE A. is scarcely as consistent. This team has done well throughout the season BROOK (Right-half).—He is a player with being decisively defeated only once. The backs distinct ability and promises to be in the first flight are very strong, especially Pattison (full-back) with a little more experience. and Mawson (right-half). Storry (centre-half), RADCLIFFE (Centre-half).— Represented keeps the team well together. Cox and Hutchison, Auckland against the Indian Army. He relies the wing-forwards, are both fast and play good practically entirely on his stick and intercepts clean- hockey. The former is slightly the better but ly. He uses his reach to advantage and clears Hutchison has improved greatly. McKenzie is splendidly. the best of the inside forwards and combines excel- F. R. LEONARD (Left-half).—A wanderer lently with Cox. The team was:—Sheat, Palmer, returned to the fold. The best all-round left half Pattison, Mawson, Storry, Wilson (Captain), Cox, in Auckland, and his exclusion from the Auckland McKenzie, B rown, Knight, Hutchison. representative team was most unfortunate. He is an aggressive half, of the type required against the THIRD GRADE B. : Indian Army style of play. He never lets a ball past him, and is a strong hitter. He would have This been quite successful in the New Zealand team. team, although not meeting with a great GREENBANK (Right-wing).—He uses his deal of success, M as a fairly good combination. In pace well, centres cleverly, and is a good shot in Smyth and Isbister> the team was fortunate in hav- the circle. ing two good full-backs. In the forwards, Mc- Dowell, although a beginner, showed the most

!;;!i'!!!!!:il!!!:!i[|lif [43] * THE KIWI * M • *

promise. The team was:—A. A. Smyth (Cap- THE COLLEGE FIRST FIFTEEN tain), Lidgard, Isbister, Markham, N. Smith, Robins, Carr, Conway, Webster, McDowell, 1>ULLER has certainly earned his place, and Grant, Andrews, Spencer. confidence in the full-back has greatly helped the play of the forwards. Olsen, although as game as ever, is not quite up UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL CLUB to last year's form. Freeman has the goods there to deliver, and with rpHIS season opened with a record membership just one more ounce of dash and determination and for the first time in the history of the Club would be a top-notcher. we fielded six teams, a senior team, three second- Hamilton, on the wing, is this year's find. He grade teams, one third-grade open and one third- has plenty of dash and has re-introduced to 'Var- grade intermediate team. The senior team did sity the long-lost art of fending. not start too well but towards the end of the Galla- gher Shield Competition showed much improved O'Halla ran has shown a very fair idea of run- ning straight, and not across the field. form and was able to give Ponsonby (this year's winners of the shield) a good run for their money. Macken at first five-eights, has borne his full share of defence and to spare, and he is "Macken" We have no doubt that they will give a good ac- into things all the time. count of themselves during the Polland Cup Com- Cashmore has played some grand games this year petition which starts next week. and is getting to know the game well; in fact, at times, a bit too well. The second-grade teams have been more success- Brooker is a much improved player, and several ful and at the end of the first round (just com- times this year has seen him bolting for a try, with pleted) both our second A and Colt's teams are his ears back, an expression of terror on his hand- in leading positions and we can at this stage but some countenance, and half the opposing team after wish them the best of luck during the next round. him. The other second-grade team has pulled together very well, and while not being so successful has Dunn, Russell and Linton have all been decided in no way disgraced itself. The members are to acquisitions to the pack, and, both on and off the be commended on the way in which they have turn- field, to the team. ed out while the interest in the second-grade has Stone was very tired at the beginning of the sea- been centred on our other teams. Both our third son, but has played some good games since. He grade teams have performed very creditably, and was probably training on the wrong diet. this is due to the enthusiastic and untiring efforts of Miller is showing more dash than ever. He their respective captains together with that co- still indulges in chatty little tete-a-tetes with mem- operation of the members of the teams which is so bers of the opposing side during the course of the necessary to the welfare of the club. game.

We should like to take this opportunity of con- Keegan has been off with a bad ankle during part gratulating those members of the club who have of the season, but is always worth his place. gained Auckland representative honours, viz., Mr. Miller and he as hookers are by now an integral Keene, Mr. Olsen, Mr. Macken, Mr. Freeman, Mr. part of the constitution of the club. Their part- §§ g Butler and Mr. Miller. The club has accepted nership began somewhere away back in the Middle an invitation from the Fiji Rugby Union to send Ages. g a team to Fiji in August. Matters in connection Stewart has replaced Keegan in his absence and g with this trip are well under way and we wish the has done well considering the extra stone or two g team the very best of success during their visit to of adipose tissue which he carries round. g the Islands. Keegan can tell him that the slim boyish figure g and the school-girl complexion are to be obtained, g [Since the above went to press, the Senior Team not by dieting, but from rowing. g acted up to the best University traditions by de- feating Ponsonby.—Ed.] Keene—well, he has been the same old Keene. g

N - .:i -•. - : ..j:: • :: ^ . M1 i! i": [44] THE KIWI * :,•:„•;„,„

Reports of Clubs and Societies

LITERARY CLUB by Professor Corbin on "The Properties of Na- tive Timbers"; and by Mr. K. W. Aimer on "A rpHIS year of 1926 has been one of the most Review of an Architectural Tour of Europe and successful the Literary Club has known for America." 1 he attendance has been good through- some years past; four meetings have been held out and the lectures much appreciated. The ser- so far and if the size of the audiences which have ies of Students' papers has commenced with a lec- attended these is to be an indication of the popu- ture by Mr. James on "The Construction of the larity of our programmes, it would seem that the Ngaruawahia Mobilisation Base." This subject entertainment provided has appealed to a very could not be expected to appeal to most University large number of students. students, but, contrary to expectations, proved ex- Most of our programmes have taken the form of tremely interesting.. readings from plays, our most ambitious effort be- ing Sheridan's "Rivals" which was produced most The Society's first annual dance was held in the successfully early in this term. It was the Club's College hall on June 19th. The decorations and intention to stage one really big production this lighting were arranged by the students and were year, "Beauty and the Jacobin," the parts of which very effective. The whole function was a great were to be learnt and performed in costume; inevi- success, over 150 couples being present. The table accidents and delays, however, have prevented rumour in the College to the effect that the dance its production and we have been forced reluctantly committee members were seen driving about in mot- to abandon the scheme for this year. Three more ors for some days after the dance is entirely incor- meetings, however, are projected before the close rect. of the year and the Club sincerely hopes that the The Society was present in force at "Size patrons who have supported its meetings so well, Three" on Friday night, and enlivened proceed- will not be disappointed in those yet to come. ings by a jazz band and a select ballet. The We wish to remind all those who write verse or ballet, arranged by I. Solder and Fluxite, proved prose, comic or serious that there is a competition one of the most attractive turns of the evening. held annually at the beginning of the third term for The Soc iety's annual dinner takes place in the the President's Prize for the best original paper. last term and should be an extremely successful The words "original paper" are here used in an function. The secretary is Mr. A. B. Jones. extremely wide sense to include any original com- position, and as we wish competition to be very keen this year, we urge you to bring out your pen and ink and to get busy without delay. CHRISTIAN UNION NOTES —G. M. BRIERLY, Hon. Sec. C.U. began its activities this year by a picnic given as a special welcome to freshers, which took place at Campbell's Bay on the first Saturday of ENGINEERING AND ARCHITECTURE the first term. It was very successful, about half SOCIETY the number there being freshers and the time was very happily spent in swimming, playing games rpHIS year has marked an increase in the activi- and getting to know one another. In the evening ties of the Engineering and Architecture So- a Camp Fire was held on the beach as a grand ciety. The membership has increased greatly, ow- finale. ing to the inclusion of the Architecture Students. Sunday teas have, as usual, proved the most popu- The proceedings of the Society were commenced lar of our meetings; so far this year we have had by a very interesting presidential address by Pro- six, four of which have been at College. fessor Knight on "The Architecture of New York." Other lectures have been delivered by Mr. W. A. At the first, which was held on the second Sun- Gray on "The Taupo Water Supply Scheme"; day of the first term, we had three student speak-

[45] * THE KIWI *

ers, who took as their subjects, (1) "The S.C.M. We have had only three other General Meet- and the W.S.C.F."; (2) "C.U. acitivities in ings this year, the addresses at them being, (1) A.U.C. this year"; (3) "The General Committee "The S.C.M. and the W.S.C.F." by Mr. Grant, meeting of the W.S.C.F. to be held in August, and who also gave a public lecture on "Present Day the Pan-Pacific Conference, and our responsibili- Conditions in Europe," which lecture was held un- ties to these." der the combined auspices of the S.C.M. and the W.E.A.; (2) "Our Warrant for Calling Jesus On Sunday, April 25th, we held an Intercession Lord," by Rev. D. D. Scott; and (3) a talk on Service led by Rev. Hobday, the main topic for "The problems which the N.Z.S.C.M. has to face thought and prayer being the approaching visit of now and in the Immediate Future," by Miss Sewell, Dr. Mott. our New Zealand Travelling Secretary. This visit was the most outstanding event of this year, partly because John R. Mott was the founder We have had two very successful socials, the of our movement and very largely because of the first being a Camp Fire evening held as a welcome to Donald Grant, who has come from Europe, great message he brought us and the assurance he where he has been doing Student Relief work for gave us that all will be well. the past five years, to take up the position of Gen- Dr. Mott's first Auckland meeting was held in eral Secretary of the N.Z.S.C.M. the Pitt Street Methodist Church on Saturday night, May 8th, when he addressed a vast gathering on The second was a welcome to Miss Sewell and "Modern Trends in the World and their signifi- was most enjoyable, chiefly owing to the cance for Students." friendliness and gaiety of all present. The Pro- gramme Committee is to be congratulated on the The following afternoon in the University College excellent entertainment provided, and special re- Hall, Dr. Mott spoke to us on "The Demand of ference should be made to the amusing play that the Modern Age upon Universities," which talk was acted. aroused many of us to a sense of our responsibilities During Miss Sewell's visit, some of the wo- as students. men had a very pleasant week-end at Block- After the meeting between 300 and 400 stayed house Bay, where the time was spent in study, for tea, which was served in the Cafeteria and the discussion and fun. Women's Common Room. In the evening we Study Circles, which were formed near the be- went to St. Matthew's to hear Dr. Mott again. ginning of the year, have been meeting regularly, and are proving most interesting and helpful. There On May 10th Dr. Mott spoke to smaller groups are ten of these circles, six of which are studying —one of students thinking of doing foreign work; the Gospel of St. Mark, while the other four are the other a meeting of Leaders of the S.C.M. in tackling the problems of the Pacific. Auckland. This term a Mission Study Group has been form- On May 23rd Rev. Blight gave an address on ed to meet once a week for study and discussion, "Personal Religion." This was the first Sunday and, whenever possible, preachers are procured to tea we have ever held during Vacation and it prov- give an address on any subject which would be of ed very successful. This address was part of our special interest to such a group. "follow up" campaign held after Dr. Mott's visit, We also have an Intercession Circle meeting re- and was the first of a series of five, the other gularly once a week for about twenty minutes' quiet four being held on the Tuesdays and Thursdays thought and prayer. of the remaining fortnight of vacation. In order to prepare the way for our Finance Presidents : Miss K. D. Roulston, Mr. A. A. Campaign, Mr. Cocker spoke to us on "Finance" Smyth. at the tea held on Sunday, June 13th. Vice-President: Mr. S. Miller. Hon. Sec.: Mr. D. G. Mawson. On June 27th, Mr. McDiarmid gave us a most Hon. Treas.: Miss E. K. Ryb urn. interesting talk on "Changing Africa," and suc- ceeded in stirring up our enthusiasm for pioneer Committee: Misses M. W. Blair, D. Gilmour, work among the primitive people of that vast con- E. Stallworthy; Messrs B. N. tinent. Eade, N. Gilling.

[46] * illlllll THE KIWI

Size Three

"ji/fUCH comedy, a little music, a little plot and cause a glimpse of his rival in action decides him excellent staging combined to make this year's that "all's fair in love." play perhaps the best that has ever been produced Monty, however, is not quite satisfied. To by the College. Mr. Gordon Millar and Mr. make absolutely sure he requires "a snappy-looking Coppard proved a most felicitous partnership and wench" to vamp Landgrave and compromise him in they evolved a plot at once original and intrinsic- Betty's eyes. Stephanie's sister Helen, who op- ally amusing. portunely appears at this juncture, is pressed into Clarence Smith, an essentially romantic young service, and out of pity for Clarence consents to man, being rejected by Betty Jones who is far more take the part. attracted by the brilliant gifts of one George Land- And so to Muriwai. The day of the race finds grave, a racing motorist, is plunged into the depths little progress made in the "scheme." Betty and of despair. To his comfort and rescue comes his Landgrave are, in fact, thicker than ever. Helen friend Monty Manners, a dude, reinforced by his has had no opportunity of exercising her baneful fiancee, Stephanie White, and aided and abetted by charms on Landgrave; while to Clarence, who

the hotel clerk, waiter and porter—Claude. Monty has transplanted his affections to Helen, the result has a scheme. Landgrave is favourite for the of the race is immaterial. Claude, alack! has rapidly-approaching motor race. Betty appears turned "bookie" for the day and for business rea- to love Landgrave. Therefore, all Clarence has sons so intoxicates Spannah as to render him in- to do in order to supplant Landgrave is to beat capable of driving a car. While Clarence desper- him in the race. Monty is a practical man. He ately but in vain seeks some way out of the diffi- has secured a car—"an absolutely fast car," and culty Helen quixotically disguises herself in Span- the fact that Clarence cannot drive weighs with nah's helmet, wins the race and leaves the car near him not at all. He promptly engages a mechanic Clarence, escaping unobserved but in her hurry named Spannah to change places with Clarence a leaving one of her shoes in the car. The cheer- little down the track, win the race, and change ing crowd burst upon Clarence and acclaim him the back again for the benefit of the judges. Sad to winner and it is not until the evening when the now say the dishonesty of the plan does not affect the repentant Spannah produces Helen's shoe that the conspirators—Claude because he does not recog- mystery is solved to the satisfaction of all. A di- nise ethical distinction, Monty because he is dazzled verting sub-plot involving the search for a lost hat- by the brilliance of his scheme, and Clarence, be- box belonging to Mrs. Euphemia Joy "and hus- band" (Adalbert) provides a strong curtain. the most realistic yet amusing drunkards the Auck- land public have ever seen. It was part and In a smaller and harder part than last year's parcel of the luck of the "Company" that he Miss Jean Robertson made a dainty and charming should so injure his back as to prevent him taking "Helen," and her singing, through not strong, was the part during the return season, when, however, he pleasing. Mr. Fryer-Raisher is to be congratulated was invaluable as stage manager. His place was ted upon his successful performance of the dual role courageously but unconvmcingly taken at the last of producer and leading man. His "Clarence" minute by Mr. Hall. The parts of Stephanie was delightfully ingenuous and his singing was mag- and Betty were pleasingly filled by Miss Jean nificent. The "straight" part with a touch of un- Graham and Miss Norene Bennett respectively. conscious humour suited him admirably. Mr. Scope for the latter s excellent voice should be Trevarthen as "Claude," was irresistibly funny and found in next year's play and her confident display carried the house with him from curtain to cur- in "Size Three" would justify a larger part. tain. Few professionals could have excelled The music was on the whole good and in parts him. He possesses the rare gift of knowing what very good—particularly Clarence's songs, "Tell his audience want—what will "go down." In All The World," and "I'll Be Your Shadow," and "Monty," Mr. Cox had the largest part in the his duet with Helen, "If You Could Care." The play and played the hair-brained fop with great chorus was not vocally strong but made up for success. It was however as "Clarence" during their deficiency in this respect by their general en- Mr. Fryer-Raisher's illness that he secured his great thusiasm and willingness. triumph. His performance in the latter part at terribly short notice was little short of marvellous. The stage effects, in the hands of Isolde and It was perhaps the fact that he had no time to Alexis, were always good, and at times exceeding- think of acting that gave his natural ability ly beautiful. The artistic setting of the "Moon- free play. Mr. Cox's part as "Monty" was taken light and Roses" ballet and the grand finale de- by Mr. Coppard who played it with glorious aban- serve special praise. 1 o Isolde also great credit don. is due for the two clever little ballets and the dances. In this connection Mr. Plummer. and The second woman's part, that of "Euphemia Mr. Fenwick are to be warmly congratulated for Joy," was taken by Miss Ruth Walker whose icy their wonderfully clever eccentric dance. ferocity was truly awe-inspiring. With more confi- The students of this College have now tried dence she should prove a valuable acquisition, es- pure burlesque, musical farce and musical comedy. pecially as she possesses a fine voice. Mr. D. What will the next performance be? Todd as "Adalbert" gave a life-like imitation of a worm. As "Spannah," Mr. Lowe was one of —THE GODS.

Life's Promise

times at evert when I lie at rest, Then comes the thought more sweet than all the rest— At peace from all Days petty joys and fears, The rainbow Promise of the Future shines! My thoughts fly upward to those airy spheres, What part can my small life—one tiny beam— Where Reason cold becomes sweet Fancy's guest. Play in the forming of such Heavenly art! There Past, in filmy folds of distance dress'd. And yet I know that some small task entwines Radiant with smiles and yet bedewed with tears, Its destiny with mine. O fondest dream— an m Treads on her lonely way, the Vale of Years. That / may find my work d part.

—JEAN K. ARCHIBALD.

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[49 ] 'IIIIIII I THE KIWI !.lili!ji!;;i::;:lii!i!;i!

James Joyce: An Appreciation

A PERSON who has made anything like a close traditional brainless "Paddy"—quarrelsome, good- "^^study of modern English literature or even of natured, and daring—Handy Andy, Harry Lorre- modern European literature must have met the quer and such, conceived in a spirit of mingled name of James Joyce. You will find him men- "slap-stick comedy and melodrama." In the "Irish tioned with reverence as a great master and a bold Revival," however, such men as Yeates and Russell innovator; you will find him described with loath- protested against the old conception, and substituted ing as an incoherent scribbler of irreverence and for it one that is still older. They insisted that an nastiness. He is usually taken as the most out- educated Irishman still remains a Celt, and is not standing specimen of "modernism" in Literature, and transmogrified into a Saxon. They showed, too, much of the fiercest literary fighting has taken place that there was no need to be ashamed of Ireland; in attack on, or in defence of, his name. Yet he they revived the tales of its old days of glory and has been so reserved in his manner of life, so un- the history of the times when its scholars and poets obtrusive in his work, that most people know little were the greatest in Europe. of either. No pretty little anecdotes about his Joyce grew up when this movement was at its early struggles nor his quaint little grand-children height, but, characteristically enough, he remained are current in the Press; no magazines print adver- outside it. "An Irish artist," he said in effect, "is tisements consisting of panegyrics written by him on neither E.nghsh nor Irish, but cosmopolitan, as any typewriters or nerve-foods; even the literary maga- other artist should be.' So he studied the writ- zines rarely mention his name. He is not popular ers of every country, and forged for himself an in- even in the sense, that, say, Samuel Butler or Henry dividual style. The method which he developed James are popular. Many writers of undoubtedly was also highly original. He neither travestied nor smaller worth have been honoured with half-a-dozen glorified his subjects, but set them down relentlessly, "Appreciations" and "Handbooks"; yet there is just as he saw them. only one careful exposition of Joyce's work. This This realism is well illustrated in "Dubliners," his is a fine critical study by Herbert Gorman, pub- first work of real importance. It was published by lished by Geoffrey Bles, London, and entitled Grant Richards in 1914, but only after the excision "James Joyce; His First Forty Years." Much of of certain passages. Joyce had been long in find- the material for this article has been borrowed from ing a publisher for his book, as everyone feared a Mr. Gorman's book. few outspoken remarks. Few men have suffered more than he from the effects of that belief (inher- Joyce was born in Dublin in 1882. He was ent in the average Englishman) that no work of art educated for the priesthood at a Jesuit seminary, should exist unless it furiously advocates the sup- but the religious doubts which later sprang up in his port of established morality and government. In- mind caused him to leave without taking orders. cidentally, it would seem to be a gross and evil-ob- Next he studied singing, and medicine, but aban- sessed mind which could cavil at such work as these doned each. Then he opened a picture theatre, stories. There are fifteen stories written in a fine- but it was unsuccessful. He has lived most of his ly original style which recalls Chekhov, although life abroad, spending the war-years in neutral Joyce had not then read the Russian. The man- Switzerland. ner of narration is absolutely impersonal; that which is visible is narrated-precisely, vividly and Though he has been an exile for so much of his remorselessly. His description of some of the life yet he has found the themes for most of his meaner sides of Dublin life by no means^ increased work within his native Dublin. However, he has the love which his home-town felt for him. little affinity with other Irish writers. In his work we find shades and subtleties of thought studied, an- In 1916 came his first novel, "A Portrait of the alysed and recorded with a minuteness no one else Artist as a Young Man." It is mainly a record has ever attempted. The earlier Irishman, on be- of the Irish Catholic upbringing of a lonely, proud, coming possessed of education, loved to ape the young man in Dublin. It is a magnificent novel, Englishman and hold his fellow-countrymen up for and we are brought to know the very soul of the superior English to deride. Hence came the Stephen Dedalus— a romantic being prisoned in

iiiiuiM [50 ] iiiiii

sordid surroundings. He is a sensitive, mystical, civilised world. passionate, introspective youth, who at times revels The aim of the book is to reconstruct, without re- in lust, at times seeks for God as eagerly as any serve, all the thoughts which surge through the mind Russian. of one man during twenty hours in Dublin. This The book insists neither on the seaminess nor on man, a Jew called Bloom, canvasses for advertise- the romance of commonplace life, but develops each ments for a Dublin newspaper. His wife, who is fully. Some passages rise to magnificent heights— unfaithful to him, plays an important part, and our the last sermon preached in the "retreat" has be- old friend Dedalus appears once more. The prose come almost a classical example of sounding prose. used is remarkable, and full of experiments. It This book aroused great interest, and such alters its nature in order to mark the degree of pre- critics as Mr. Wells and Mr. Squire lavished praise cision with which the thought is conceived. The upon it. But the public did not respond, and per- ideas of clear-minded people are represented with sisted in regarding him as "obscure." jcyce has exactness; vague and shapeless thoughts are expres- always been "an artist for artists," "a writer's sed in an artistically incoherent form which is novel writer," of interest mainly to those who themselves to literature. understand and practise the art of writing. In- It is interesting to see the various opinions expres- deed his daring experiments with language and sed about this book. Mr. Alfred Noyes drew a par- technique have produced a belief that he is incom- allel with the "Pink 'Un." Mr. Gilbert, made a prehensible. Certainly he omits those transitions remarkable pronouncement: "It is an undoubted from one thought to another which earlier novelists masterpiece, but an immoral masterpiece and as such thought essential. But actually it needs no more ought to be burnt." Mr. Leslie compared it to the explanation in order to understand this novel than Telephone Directory for size and said: "It is an :o understand one o f Milton's sonnets. insult to Divine decency and human wisdom"— The book which is most typical of Mr. Joyce, the words that recall Clement Scott's description of book which most people know him by, that is Ibsen as "an outrage of femininity, a sinkhole, a "Ulysses." sewer, a festering sore " But, for the defence, It is, perhaps, an impertinence to write of a book there have appeared much greater critics, Messieurs which I have never seen, but it is scarcely my fault Bennett, Wells, Squire, and Murray, for instance. in this case. I have heard of two copies in Auck- A similar work to "Ulysses" is now being pub- land, but have never managed to catch sight of lished by Mr. Joyce. It is running in serial form either. The first edition was printed in Paris, be- in "Le Navire d Argent." It is said to consist cause of its refusal by English publishers. Like largely of the flow of thought which passes through all his work, it was unobtrusive in its appearance, the brain of an old washerwoman as she souses her but its fame soon spread among the writers of the clothes in the waters of the River Liffey.

Sundown

A glory of gold has fallen For the light that illumines the heavens On heaven and earth and sea, Clows back through the hours as well, And the magic charm of the sundown Till all of the da}) seems lovely Has settled on them and me. Under the sundown spell.

The murmur of day is dying, Oh Cod, when the long life is closing The Angel of Peace is here; Thy love and Thy spirit send And the troubles of life seem trifling To sweeten the tears of our sorrow And the glory of heaven near. To soften the nearing end.

Forgotten the glooms and the shadows, And the sundown shall then be golden Forgotten the cold and the rain— And lend to the day its gold : The day that has just departed If the end of the story be gladness, Were good to live over again. Has the story in vain been told?

-BRENDON CLARK. [51 ] * j THE KIWI

Hockey: and How to Play It BY GOALIE

"Distance lends enchantment to the view." The game had not been in progress long before T IKE the wicked flea when no woman pursueth, I play approached my goal. There was frantic hit- ^ am as bold as the lion. But I know what fear ting without much result. Then somehow the ball is; I have experienced "that sinking feeling" which came towards me. I gripped my stick grimly. no amount of Bovril can prevent. I have played "Now or never," I told myself. "For King and hockey. I am a goal-keeper. Right and the 'Varsity Thirds." After that I am uncertain what happened. I had a vision of Vide press report:—"Blank in goal was safe ." fleeting forms—legs, arms, sticks, everything ex- Was he? I don't think he was, and I speak as cept the ball. one having authority, not as the scribes and onlook- Then all went blank. = ers. I picked myself up from the ruins of my net. It was all because the team was a man short. Above me had been the bodies of a dozen others— "You'll turn out for us to-morrow?" asked Alpha, friend, foe in one burial blent. pleadingly. "Goal! Goal! Hoo-ray!" shouted our opponents. I smiled stupidly and protested with modesty Our men looked annoyed. The ball was inside more apparent than real. the goal all right. How it got there I really didn't "But I've never played hockey before." This know, but all seemed to allow that it was a goal. was quite true. I felt aggrieved, but nobody took any notice of "Oh, that doesn't matter," responded Alpha the fact. Back they came again; I trembled. I with enthusiasm. crouched behind my pads which seemed remark- "He'll do for goalie " suggested Beta. "We ably small now. I made a mental resolve to live want a goalie." Then addressing me he contin- an upright life henceforth, if I were spared to see ued, "You'll do for goalie; you'll soon pick up the the morrow morn. In short I was afraid. idea of the game. All you have to do is to stop the ball." Then Providence intervened. Someone gave a To be prepared is half the victory. I went to mighty swipe and removed play to middlefield. I the public library and studied a large illustrated breathed freely and recalled those lines: — volume by a famous hockey-player. I made a The swearing and the shouting dies, note of the duties of a goal-keeper. As Beta had The forwards and the bac^s depart, said, "All you have to do is to stop the ball." Still stands the goalie's goal intact, That's all. The goalie with a contrite heart. Saturday came and with my customary coolness Everyone except myself had lots of fun hitting and confidence I took up my position before my the ball, chasing the ball or limping around making goal. out they were hurt. I got only one hit during the "All you have to do is to stop it from going into whole game and that was on the back of the leg, the goal," Beta reminded me again, "We'll do the when I was looking at a game on an adjoining rest," with a gesture towards Alpha. ground. I turned round indignantly rubbing the He spoke with the easy confidence that all great injured member, but Alpha was equally indignant. players possess. Alpha and Beta were full-backs. I can't remembfer what he said, but it was very I had known them well for some time. I was af- much to the point. He extolled the merits of our terwards to know them better. The forwards I game as compared with the game behind. I had knew only by name and repute; the halves seemed to admit the logic of his argument. He was a always organised with the forwards; it was dif- forceful speaker. ferent with Alpha and Beta. They were usually Beta said nothing, but he thought a lot. He was within speaking distance and often spoke. At other of a reflective disposition. Great men are not times they thought. I often gave myself up to given to words unduly. He gazed sadly and his serious reflection. It was often lonely in goal face seemed to say, "Oh that my tongue could ut- when play moved up-field. As the ancient mar- ter the thoughts that arise in me." Fortunately riner would have complained, his tongue could not. "Alone, alone, alone, all alone in a wide, wide The game proceeded without incident. Every- Coal." one seemed to have forgotten me. Certainly I had

[52] THE KIWI llllll

forgotten everyone. I was admiring the green Many teams are. However, there were some hills and the red-roofed houses and the blue sky. great players in it, but what can one man do when Then I heard a great shout. the others let him down? That's what always "Look out!" cried Alpha. seemed to happen. The forwards said the backs I looked out. The field was moving in full to- couldn't tackle, and the backs complained of poor wards me and in the van one of our opponents shooting among the forwards. Of course, I can in possession of the ball. not set up to be an authority on the game, but I "Go in on your own," shouted his supporters. listened to what the others had to say. Alpha in hot pursuit shouted "Come out. Rush I felt particularly sorry for Alpha. He used to him." complain of the amount of work he had to get I rushed him. through. I learned from him that Beta was slow He carried his stick negligently in one hand as and unreliable and had to be watched all the if it were a tooth-pick or a crotchet-needle. I time. rushed three paces. He picked up the bai'i, placed As for Beta, he confided to me that Alpha talk- it carefully in front of him, spat in his hands and ed too much and, except that he could hit hard, grasped his stick as if it were a pick. All this wasn't much good. This just shows how opinions happened in the twinkling of an eye. I saw the can differ. stroke but not the carry through. The ball was Perhaps it isn't right to repeat it, but our team quick but I was quicker. I jumped and the ball knew how to put in the dirt. I never actually saw whistled harmlessly beneath me and crashed into anything myself, mind you, that I would take ex- the netting. ception to. But of course I know little of the "Lucky I didn't get in the way of that one," I fine points of the game. But at half-time and thought as I reached earth again. after the match I listened spell-bound to tales of Alpha thought differently. He thought out aloud daring and resolution. The heroes of these ex- a voice which was unpleasant to hear. ploits always were their own biographers, which As for Beta, he said nothing; but there was a was reasonable, as, of course, they knew best what look on his face—the look of a great man fighting they had done. I often wondered how they pulled against great odds. off all these illegal points without being detected I felt sorry for him; and I believe he felt sorry by the referee. Still all the men in our team for me. were clever. You had only to listen to them to Our team never seemed to win. It was unlucky. realise that.

The Lie

(An Incident in the Maori War.)

Lo, the rosy Forefinger of Day "The White Man's God forbade him fight to-day!" Had traced the Sabbath's name across the sky, Oh England, mother of true Chivalry, Whereon the River and the Hill read Peace; With all thy glory, hast thou more than this? And Tanes forest rustled and sighed Peace; And Bell-birds stir'd and softly, as in prayer, And hast thou greater shame than this that by Answered in tones that thrilled the scented Bush The fall of even, when the world was fair, And died, aquiver, in the valleys—Peace. All bathed in lilac mists and purple glooms, A host lay dying on the reddened grass, So darlf eyes opened, and brown muscles played, And in the solemn silence of the night And strong hands gripped the mere and the spear Death roamed at will, where life at dawn had —But hush, some stronger Voice cried "Let them ruled, be! And in the great Black Book ihine Angel wrote— "It is the While Man's Holy Day, and shame The Pakeha who leved his Sabbath—LIED. "I say to him who thinketh harm! Go, rest. BRENDON CLARK.

[53 * * ii) THE KIWI |

v; ,„„„„ -js

Interviewing a Social Celebrity

A T approximately seven and a quarter minutes to pianos or three, three tables or four, a jam jar con- "^^four one winter's morning, I bowled up to the taining a magnificent buttercup, an ostrich tastefully office of the "Anyton Evening Sun." An obse- arranged in a cage on the wall—such were the quious man servant divested me of my walking- simple furnishings. The Editor appeared from stick and shoes, and I entered the palatial building. under a lounge. He threw his brassie up the After a brief wait of three hours I was admitted chimney. to the presence of a gentleman whose minute sta- "Want a job?" ture and exceeding great corporation might have "No!" scornfully. led one to suppose him a vegetarian. He cast me The Editor shrank behind a picture. a stony stare over the top of his spectacles. I I again murmured, "Kiwi—interview." caught it, and with my best bow murmured the The Editor came out, and proceeded to go words, "Editor, interview Kiwi." My little through a series of physical jerks. They had sev- friend climbed down from his stool. He stamped, eral results: — snorted, foamed at the mouth. Finally, bursting into articulate speech: (a) The removal of his coat; (b) The rolhng-up of his sleeves; "Gracious sir, am I correct in the supposition that you regard me as that—that man, the editor?" (c) 1 he appearance of horn-swoggles on his fore- I regarded him with awe. He struck an Abe- head ; ian attitude and emitted two words, "I work." I (d) The lodging of a streak of ink across the nasal made a deep bow, a little marred by the rigidity of organ; the left brace and was shown into another room. (e) The writing of a leader with light hand; A tall thin man, whose stooped shoulders betray- (/) 1 he transcription of telephone message with ed the student, looked up from a game of two-up left hand; with the printer's devil. He surveyed me with (g) The listening to above message with left ear; a glassy eye and the help of a telescope. I of- (h) The dictating of (1) general hints to dicta- fered him a treatise I had just written on "Whole phone; (2) facts to self with mouth. Handles and Cement Sacks," which he threw into Hullo! stick in the mud. What d'you want the coal scuttle. I bent to hide my emotion and never lose heart nitrate of soda—no, try ar- pulled up my sox. senic." "You're a traveller?" he said firmly. I reflected that the arsenic was intended for the "No," I said, also firmly. dictaphone. I hoped so. "An agent?" hopefully. "I have come," I bawled, interrupted at inter- "No," I said again, more firmly. vals by hints on how to avoid the flu; how to make "A subscriber?" mournfully. one's wife happy; how to eat soup given only a I then repudiated all suggestions that I was at- fork; how to find the relation between an arithme- tempting to offer so respectable a firm an article, a tic bean and pork—all of which the reader has short story, sketches, pink pills for pale people, doubtless read—or learned by experience. "I enquiries, liver pills or letters. have come to interview you on behalf of the Kiwi, The long-drawn out gentleman returned to his who, unfortunately has broken a leg." game. "In there," he whispered in hollow tone, He waved the inkwell in the direction of a seat. indicating a door with a back-fire of his left peg I sat down cautiously on a pile of rejected jokes, worthy of Lizzie herself. shot my cuffs and gazed at him with a rapt air. I knocked. I entered. A curious golf-ball "I dislike interviews intensely—press of work— that had been cruising round the wall caught me never permit more than ten a day," he told me, on the left ear, removing all sensation of that rather in between a really topping recipe for claret cup, valuable organ. I accepted the ball with a few and a short cut to Muriwai. well-chosen words. I may mention that my voca- I he Editor opened a speaking tube and blew bulary is reckoned second only to that of the first into it lovingly. "Squinter, on no account forget amateur golfer in the Dominion. I then collected the paragraph on ' Tonson Junior or Why I Join- myself and took note of my surroundings. A few ed the C.U.' It is great, immense ! easy chairs, a Morris or two, a lounge or two, two Another tube was unplugged, and again he went

[54 ] mi mill THE KIWI through the action of cooling his porridge. "Snub- ly over yet a third tube. nose, be sure to remember the sub-leader on ' The "Bucktooth," he babbled, "Let me remind you Art of Embracing a Waitress Without Injury to once again about the case for your Court News the Trouser Crease, or Brown was Blue.' It is you know yes, exactly ^ the proposed inquest on splendid, magnificent." the Editor of the Kiwi . exactly. It's the snip- Another hole unplugged and the Editor regaled piest, nippiest, pippiest in to-day's." me with his views on (l) the Red-headed Peril; I waited no longer, but fled sobbing to my bath- (2) the Kiwi's appetite; (3) the future of the chair and bowled bitterly away. jube jube. Then the great man leaned confiding- •—SKYLARK. u.^'Uijl'iiir'iliipi '"i^^'iirii^i^niiyH./p^ iip

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[55 ] tt- '—

THE KIWI |lll!lllllllll!lllllllllllll!llil!IiillillillillllllllllllllllllllllW * * 1

Silhouettes of Trinity College, Cambridge

^FHERE is without doubt a charm in the old Great Court. Breakfasts at Cambridge are on sound of that old clock in Trinity Great many occasions high social functions where matters Court as one stands beneath the tower gazing into of great pith and moment are often discussed and Trinity Chapel where a shaft of light from the sometimes settled. To this breakfast had also been East strikes through on to the statue of one of invited a don who kept in the corner of the Court Trinity's mcst famous scholars—Thomas Babing- diagonally opposite to where the host lived. My ton Macaulay. To the uninitiated, however, mys- friend A and the don had on the previous even- tery rather than charm surrounds the clock, for it ing been carrying on a rather futile and seemingly hag an annoying habit of striking more than twelve indeterminate discussion as to who got up first during the half of the twenty-four hours. After in the morning. Undoubtedly their respective "bed- the quarter-hours have chimed, a deep bass tells the ders" called them at exactly the same hour, but hour, followed without a break by the note of the at Cambridge as elsewhere many are called but silvery tenor, not in echo but with a full-throated few get up. To settle the argument the don bet assurance of its own that its bass fellow is indeed A two half-crowns that in any case he would right. Standing beneath the clock we hear twenty arrive first at the host's rooms on the following strike—our watches, however, assure us that it is morning. The don's plan of campaign was simple. 10 a.m. and so would the big dial looking down on He was able, from his bed, to see A's approach the fountain tell us, if we chose to look. The same from his rooms on the other side of Trinity Street clock struck both notes, without a doubt. The rea- as soon as A entered the Great Gate. All he son for it ? There must be some but we prefer to had to do—and he did it—was, on the approach to let it remain a mystery and a memory as we of A, to spring out of bed, shuffle into a pair of wander across the rough pebbled path towards the slippers and a dressing gown and walk across the fountain, where, year in and year out, (except grass with as much dignity as one can in that attire. when Mr. Farenheit's mercurial device stands be- Here was A's difficulty. If he walked across low 32 degrees) the water splashes down with a the grass he would certainly be mulcted the sum calm but not monotonous rhythm which has ushered of 6 8 for the offence by the eagle-eyed College in and ushered out again many whose names we porter. He would get there first alright, for he never hear without a thrill of pride. could give the don twelve yards in a hundred; but To-night the fountain will be the scene of many he would only win 5 - for his pains—a nett loss a ducking when boisterous undergrads, released of 1 8. So the don won and the money duly from months of strenuous training for the boat passed. Nett loss 5 - as against 1/8 if the rule races of May week (it comes in June and lasts a had been broken. But what a triumph for discip- fortnight—hence the name) will bring to a fitting line. N.B. Dons are allowed to walk across the end many Bump Suppers. grass without incurring any penalty. It would be much shorter for us to walk across If breakfast is a high meal at Cambridge, dinner the grass to Hall but we must beware of that fear- in Hall is likely to be best remembered by those ful dignitary who is eyeing us from the College privileged to dine amongst the members of the Col- gate. Dressed in a well-fitting morrnng suit and lege in their own particular domain. The Hall shiny top hat he might well be mistaken for the of Trinity is a venerable high-roofed building, al- Master of the College, as indeed many Americans beit it had lost something of its dignity on the oc- think he is. He is only the College porter, how- casion I first saw it by reason of the fact that some ever; but something in his dignified appearance practical joker had tied a large "Felix" on to the warns us that we must "keep off the grass.'' Be- lightning conductor on the top of the turret. Inside sides we are not dons. the Hall, Holbein's wonderful Henry VIII gazes Here I must digress to recount the story of the down on the assembled company: the undergradu- unfortunate dilemma of A, an undergraduate friend ates at their long bare benches, the graduates at of mine. He had been invited to breakfast with a their special table and the dons on the dais serene. fellow-undergraduate who kept in the corner of The much-married monarch seems to be giving a

156 1 •if THE KIWI |i

nod of approval to the proceedings as well he Marvellous feats of observation and memory are might, for it is only on rare occasions -—I doubt performed at Hall by the College marker who if at all—that ladies are allowed to dine with that checks off the attendance of the graduates and un- —from the circumstance alone—blessed company. dergraduates. Three Halls are kept at Trinity, Grace before meat, though paid but scant atten- each attended by about 200 students, but the mark- tion to by the lower orders, is a real task for the er has the reputation of knowing on the second dons. The imploration for blessing on the food day of term the names and faces of all those requires three dons to read it. It is in Latin and whose attendance he must note. the dons concerned, through long practice, make From Hall it is but a step to the Backs where the "Amen" coincide with the striking from Trin- the leisurely Cam flows by, bearing many a mem- ity's clcck of the last note of the hour at which ory of the soldier-poet born near its source, who the meal is served. never tired of singing of his beloved Grantchester. A.G.W.

The Man Who Knew Too Much

F^ILBERT CHESTERTON once wrote a novel called The gloomy Dean can breathe Christianity into ** "The Man Who Knew Too Much." There anything. A diatribe on "Bugs and their atti- was nothing remarkable about the novel except tude towards Humanity" can be as sacred and sig- that it was characteristically Chestertonian. I nificant to him as a disquisition on the Mosaic Dis- confess it did not impress me; the title though, I pensation. He can argue on such flippant sub- never forgot. jects as the Bingle, the Bangle and the Bungle as Let us dissect and diagnose this human type—- he can philosophise on the mental aberrations of the man who knows too much. He is, of course, Confucius or the dotty dreams of Demosthenes. always a great man—omniscient, omnipotent, the I have another superman—if I may be permitted kind one meets in an omnibus. He usually wears to plagiarise the Neo-Radicalistic School— in the heavy tragedian look of a pre-Raphaelite actor. mind. He is Bill Smith, a bank clerk. He He has the forehead of Shakespeare, the mous- occupies this position in order to earn his bread tache of Chester Conklin, the eyebrows of Plato and butter. If he could exist by his opinions, and the toe-nails of Jack Dempsey. Too brainy assertions and dogmas alone he would do so, but for a university, Oxford and Cambridge gave him unfortunately the present system of society forbids the air; too verbacious, loquacious, circumlocutious, it. Bill is a wise guy. If he told all he knew rhetorical and oratorial for politics, the House of about racing the industry in New Zealand would Commons had no place for him; too temperamental be ruined. If he divulged his esoteric utterances and cubistic for art, Chelsea chucked him out; about golf, the religion would perish. Should his too sensual, advanced and precocious for modern cryptic utterances concerning Government hostels literature—(Censored—Ed.) or accommodation on the Main Trunk be inter- Our know-all has no fixed occupation, unless it preted, the • Dominion tourist traffic would die a be thinking. He hasn't the slightest chance of natural death. doing anything—the world won't let him. In my What are we to do with these supermen? Are youth Bernard Shaw used to be such a man, but they to be labelled "unfit," "abnormal," or "coo- now he has a job; he has developed into England's coo," and segregated, or are they to be retained and professional humourist. I read Wells and consign- placed in our midst as prophets, as faithful harbing- ed him to this illustrious clan but he has become ers of the millenium? What is to become of this England's champion necromancer. Dean Inge vast clan—these men who know too much ? But certainly deserves recognition. Personally I would there. It is not for me to say: I am one of the have no hesitation in defining him as a plausible clan. megalomaniac yet his fellow countrymen call him a d fool. —A.G.D.

[57 ] * 1 THE KIWI

The Science of Hockey Abstract of Lecture by Capt. Cowan of the Indian Army Hockey Team A FTER the phenomenonally successful tour of place the ball to someone on your own side. A "^the Indian Army Hockey Team this year, the short push to the halves is often better than a followers of the game in Auckland were excep- long hit. tionally fortunate in being favoured with an ad- Halves : Always aim to open up the game dress on the game by Captain Cowan, whose wide with "short-push passes" to the forwards. The experience and scientific study of hockey enabled centre-forward must be able to intercept passes, him to speak on the subject with authority. The and return the ball to his forwards so as to init- following article is a brief abstract of his remarks: iate an attack. Wings : In centring on the attack always do POSITION PLAY so not further down the field than the twenty-five yards line. Work with the insides in taking the Coal : A dangerous position for which a man ball down. needs special training. For high class work, dia- grams of the angles of approach to the goal-mouth GENERAL POINTS from the different parts of the circle should be stud- Penalty Corners : Always endeavour to make ied. The goalie must cover the maximum width this a certain goal, Give every forward a job of the goal that is for the moment under fire. to do, especially in ;coring from the rebound off Full Bacfys : Right full-back marks the inside the goalie's pads. left. Left full-back marks the inside right. The Passing Back : 1 he forwards when passed two full-backs must always be in eschelon, one tak- may find it valuable to pass back to the halves ing the play and the other backing him up, work- with a "push-shot." The halves then initiate an at- ing in perfect understanding to meet the change of tack in the new quarter. play from one side to the other. Halves : The right half marks the left wing. 1 he left half marks the right wing. 1 he centre TRAINING NOTES half marks the centre-forward and the inside right, It took two years to train Dian Chiand to drib- J assisted by the left full-back. ble. Forwards : The wings keep to the side line ex- The "Push-Shot": The right hand is dropped H cept to come in to take a pass. Never come back down the stick and used as a fulcrum. The left fj in defence. Centreforward keeps up all the time. wrist supplies the power. Practise off the right g The insides (scoring men) work with wings and foot to the right and to the left. The same off the g centre in attack. In defence "tackle back,'' i.e. left foot. 1 come back to receive the ball from the halves The "Long Hit": To avoid sticks cultivate §§ as the latter clear. Then transfer to the wings wrist action. To do this place a ball one stick's g and attack. length from a wall and hit it as hard as possible J away from the wall. The stick must not touch g TACTICS the wall. g Footwork '• T his is an essential. In centring g Coal : When goalie comes out one full- a wing should centre off the left foot. Quick g back must at once get in goal and take his place. turning is essential for all, especially for the full- g Full-backs : Work with the right and left- backs. halves, changing positions when necessary, but get back in position as soon as possible. In hitting use NEW ZEALAND HOCKEY the wrist action more than the heavy swing. This makes for quicker hitting and lessens the tendency T1 ie standard is low. The chief faults are: (1) H to give "sticks." In stopping the ball use the loo much body play; (2) Lack of good stick- ( foot with the hand in front to meet the ball. Do work. Using the stick more in stopping the ball g not hold the ball. among the halves and forwards would speed the g A back must be able to turn quickly when beat- game up a great deal, (3) Lack of combined g en and tackle his man again. Aim always to play. 1

iiiiliiiili!!;:']!li; l |||||!i"!'i : i" !!ll . i ^ [58 ' ' / t:-,;:!;.!!!!!!',!].^ : THE KIWI liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim^ £ = * * m

Parodies

A CCORDING to the Encyclopaedia Britannica, 'How blest are the tipplers whose heads can outlive J parody is "an imitation of the form or style of The effect of four bottles of thee, ' g a serious writing in matter of a meaner kind so as But the next dearest blessing that Heaven can give, M to produce a ludicrous effect." It is an old art, Is to stagger home muzzy on three.' going back, probably, to the fifth century B.C. It is found in Aristophanes, who parodied Euripides. Vou could imagine him next morning:— In the Middle Ages, Cervantes ridiculed the litera- 'Gaunt as the ghastliest of glimpses that gleam U ture of the day in "Don Quixote." He laughed Through the gleam of the gloaming when ghosts E1 the style out of fashion. But it is not old parody, Go aghast !' honourable though it is, but modern parody that is to form the main theme of this short article. That is Swinburne on himself. But the Encyclo- = No description of parody could make pretence of paedia Britannica limits parody to laughing at serious f§ being worth while, without some mention being work. It need not be. "Alice in Wonderland" made of the "Rejected Addresses," of the Smith has appeared as "Clara in Blunderland" with the M Bros. They were supposed to be unsuccessful present Lord Balfour as Clara. It deals with §§ entries in a competition for an address to be deliv- the Boer War, but is applicable in more than one 3 ered at the re-opening of the Drury Lane Theatre spot, to all time. Clara looks through the key- M after its destruction by fire in 1812. This is the hole of the door which bore the inscription:— M effort on Wordsworth, or rather one verse of it: — "Noblesse Oblige. Admittance £20,000 a | year. Liberal discount to successful Brewers and M 'Well, after many a sad reproach, Unsuccessful Generals." |j They got into a hacl(ney coach, And trotted down the street. Examples could be "raised to infinity" but mathe- | I saw them go: one horse was blind, matics includes "limits." The limit of space has 3 The tails of both hung down behind, been reached. The editor's blue pencil is newly j[ 7 heir shoes were on their feet.' sharpened.

Byron was not safe from the parodists.

'Ye reckless dupes, who hither wend you way, To gaze on puppets in a painted dome. Pursuing pastimes glittering to betray. Like falling stars in life's eternal gloom, What seek Ve here ?'

Then Thomas Moore:

'When woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders, And gildes while it carves her dear form on the heart, What need has New Drury of carvers and gilders? With Nat're so bounteous, why call upon Art?'

But we must leave the Smiths, and descend to something lighter- no! rise to the froth and blow it away, catching some of the sparkles on our neighbour's coat and enjoying them till he wipes them away with a dirty handkerchief. It is ap- propriate to talk of Old Port. Moore is the paro- Effect on long-haired Architectural Students of died and Maginn the parodist. the Indian Hockey Players

lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll [59 ] * ""' * THE KIWI *

On Women Students in General

TRANGE what a difference a gown does ner and let them pass, and I always hurry to pick s make! I don't possess one. I'd like to, but up the things they drop. A treasured memory is the Commodore says the exchequer wouldn't that of a smile a girl gave me when I retrieved stand the strain and the Commodore always knows. her hankey. She didn't actually look at me, But I can't help noticing the ones that do—the and it was just the merest smile—'but she wore a students with the gowns I mean. Such a distin- Gown, and she was a Full-Time Student. guished air, such aloofness; such apparent wis- Also, there are those who come in quietly with dom these flowing robes impart. an apologetic air. They never take the comfy Also, I am not a full-time student. I say it chairs and always let the others have the fire. with deepest regret, but alas! it is so. Others also When it is time for lectures they silently pick up come from Training College, but note the trans- bags and baggage and are gone. formation a gown doth make. Girls who during It takes all kinds to make this funny old world, the day bang me on the shoulder and give and doesn't it? I wonder how we'd manage without take the usual chaff, become at Varsity superior the superior being in gowns? beings in black gowns, dispensing little nods of Wouldn't it be dreadful? At least that's what merest recognition—which I accept with the appre- the Commodore said, and the Commodore always ciation I know I should—or pass me by entirely. knows. And this also I accept with due humility. You see,—I do not own a gown.

Furthermore, I'm not sufficiently intimate with the Full-Time Students to join the select little Chatter Club round the Common Room fire. So naturally, my fellow T.C.-ites with gowns pass by. At least it seems the natural order of things, unless one of my books is wanted for a loan, when I re- ceive smiles until it is returned—or at least till it is lent.

And then, too, the graduates, or even those who have a section. They are a class apart—their walk proclaims their status in almost every case. It is a degree walk, a peculiar long-stepped walk, springing though stately withal. The robes bil- low. The head is held high and slightly tilted up. In conversation the tone is slightly patronising, the air a trifle condescending. I have noticed it at a distance-—respectfully. And then there are the people who own the Varsity. At least I think they do. The ones who dash round with such a This-is-mine-what-are- you-doing-here air. I always squeeze into a cor- Voice at the other end : "Zoo here!'

[60 ] i:illllllllllllHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIlIlillllMHIIIIIIUIIU!IIHIIIIIIiU'4 THE KIWI »l illlllllllll II IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIUIIllllHIIIIHIIIltllll IIIIIIIII1II1H11"

Safety First

(Published by Special Arrangement with the Mothers' Union.)

Cuy Horatius John de Rocky Until his partner in a pet, Played the gentle game of Hockey. Strangled Dennis with the net. And, just to show that Hockey can fci//, His fellows kmdly smashed his ankle. Aristocratic-minded Rolfe Played exclusively at Coif Most popular of Football backs, Till one from whom he'd won a fiver His parents doted on young Max; Up and slew him with his driver. Oh! how they sigh, their eyes grown dim- A brutal forward trod on him. Fatalities, the daily press, Report of those who just play Chess; A fine upstanding youth Was Stricke'tt Or Cards or Billiards or Ping-Pong— Until he took placing Cricket. It's just a question of how long. The demon bowler bowled a wide Which struck Poor Strickett—and he died. And so, young man, be warned by this, And give these dangerous sports a miss; Everybody loved dear Dennis Seek for yourself the safer Coals Who chiefly shone at playing Tennis; And spend your leisure playing Dolls. —THE WALLFLOWER.

Saturday Morning

pROM my window I see the distant trams, Tramcars yellow and red, Silently gliding along the road, Tramcars yellow and red: The rubbish-cart rumbles along with its load, A milkman clatters his clanging cans: And I inhale the morning air, (/ of course am lying in bed). —Earth has nothing to show more fair, As Wordsworth would have said: A sight as touching as this—how fine! Until I realise If they have one at the Princess, why can't we I've an English lecture this morning at nine have one at our restaurant? And reluctantly I arise. Note: S.P.Q.R. = "Surprisingly Popular Quali- ADON. ty Restaurant."

PillflillM 161 ] 5fr ii) THE KIWI

The University and the Theatre Being the Opinions of a Disinterested Party. T70R years in Auckland I have seen the season Now let us ask a few questions. Why should of plays come and go—an unending vista of our University lend itself to the production of an tragedy and comedy. When I have asked for admittedly inferior form of entertainment, and why philosophical drama they have given me melo- should the Students' Association risk financial loss drama, when I have yearned for music they have (and it actually occurred this year) if that risk served up a concoction of trash and twaddle, weak can be reduced with advantage ? Cannot the sentiment and hilarity known to an ill-treated thea- University strike a new line by producing the trical public as musical comedy. It has taken on works of New Zealand playwrights ? I don't the aspect of conspiracy to dull the human intellect mean gushing musical comedies with simpering flap- and multiply that awful monstrosity, the adult vic- pers and people who should never be asked to tim of jazzitis. sing, but plays that would give some scope to the After watching hoplessly the slow degeneration dramatic faculties and serious efforts of our students. of the theatrical tastes of countless of my friends, Indeed, why confine the thing to students? There I turned wearily to the Abode of Learning, the are several, certainly not many, New Zealanders Temple of Regeneration, for a ray of hope and light. who have written or published quite presentable Rearing its snow white tower to the clear blue sky plays that would provide new material to work on of heaven, it seemed to magnify the higher ideals and entertaining experiments to watch. Some of of mankind. Within the shadow of its cloisters, them would command fairly wide attention. What mused I, there surely must be men of strength and is wrong, for instance, with Alan Mulgan and independence, noble young men who would put C. R. Allen, both of whom have had plays pro- their weight on the side of beauty, truth and lofty duced in London ? I can assure readers that the purposes. Might they not fulfil the traditions of plays of either would not be despised by any re- the Old World and bring the benefit of their in- pertory society. And if they are not sufficient, tellectual training and research to infuse the drama there are others, such as Maurice Keesing, J. You- with life, spirit and individuality? lin Birch, Mona Gordon and Mrs. Leo Myers. What a sickening thud awaited me ! Alas, my Most of these people are Aucklanders and should innocent hopes ! Instead of a play of profound find favour in their own city. dramatic depth and philosophical shrewdness, here My point is that by pursuing a policy such as was musical comedy as cheap, insipid and feverish this, the University would encourage local talent as ever. Were they University men and good in a legitimate and useful direction; original plays Bohemians who were responsible for this example would be produced that would never otherwise of atavism or were they just ordinary mortals see the light of day, the University would become usurping the places of the mighty ? But stay ! a patron of local art and its prestige would prosper Perhaps after all I was misjudging their temper. accordingly. What is also of immediate purpose, Here, maybe, was a work of great merit, a cruel, because the cost of producing a play is vastly less clever satire on my pet abomination, a tremendous than a musical comedy, the risk of loss would be burlesque on this invidious canker. For one de- reduced to a negligible quantity. Admitted that lirious moment, while I watched Fryer-Raisher the almighty dollar is the immediate aim in view, burlesque the beautiful blonde hero of musical is it not within the bounds of reason that the net comedy, my nose was held ecstatically to the hope- proceeds of a week's season of an economically ful scent. But whatever Fryer-Raisher felt about produced play in the Town Hall Concert Cham- it, it was certainly not the interpretation intended ber would be equal to the turnover after a similar by the authors. Their work was not a burlesque, season of a lavishly produced musical comedy in alas, but the outcome of a woefully serious ambition an expensive theatre ? Try it and see. And what to write musical comedy. Pray do not imagine I of the worry, the fretting and the fuming. Against belittle its merit. Among musical comedies it was the 50 people in the musical comedy but 5 need probably a pearl. My complaint is that, ranked be necessary in the play. They can be carefully with legitimate drama and music, musical comedy chosen, rehearsed under the guidance of, say, a is a piece of soap. professional producer, and I have no doubt they

•III1IIIII1M [62 ] I THE KIWI *

would put the fifty musical comedy players, with with the acting than with all the half-hearted sing- their proportion of duds and nonentities, entirely ing and dancing put together. I want to see the in the shade. Ask anyone who saw the last stu- University take a fearless, independent line and do dent production whether he was not more impressed something worth while.

The Student

A N excellent story is told of a Maori who lived from running with the regularity and steadiness of all his life in the backblocks. One day Henare a well-oiled machine. There are jolts and jars fell sick and the doctor, who rode forty miles on and sudden little dislocations which engage time and horseback to attend him, ordered him to the hospital. energy that are desperately needed elsewhere. So Henare came to the railway for the first time, There are disputes and dissentions and the magni- and his friends installed him comfortably in a first- fication of trivialities. There are petty exhibitions class carriage. After his first nervousness had of pride in insignificant details, resulting in irrita- worn off he enjoyed the swift passage of the train tion and counter-irritation. There is the stubborn- through the country. Suddenly, with a shriek, the ness of ignorance, the indiscretion of youth and the train plunged into a tunnel. Henare was terrified, recklessness of desperation. and, believing that he had departed from this life, commenced to pray. Equally suddenly, the train This looks black, but it is really very hopeful, for emerged into daylight. Henare's wonder and all these facts are at least indicative of a zealous amazement knew no bounds. "Py korri!" he interest in the welfare of the College. Ignorance cried ecstatically, "T'morra." may be taught, experience will come, discretion may be acquired and hope never entirely deserts one. Like Henare, we had, before this year, lived in It is a far more dangerous vice to which is attrib- the backblocks; like him, we have been provided utable much (if not all) of the darkness through with first-class accommodation; like him, we have which we have passed and which covers the pitfalls been to a considerable extent bewildered by unfam- ahead the indifference of the ordinary student. iliar conditions; like him again, we have plunged into sudden darkness, and are more than a little It is indeed a matter of some wonder that the afraid; and like him, for a little we feared we had pseudo-student comes to College at all. Why not found eternal night and even now we are a little attend a night-school or take a correspondence inclined to greet the lighting skies with the glad course? If a degree is all that he expects to get, cry of "T'morra!'' from a University education, we would gladly But it isn't to-morrow. We have gone only a second his application for exemption from lec- short distance on our journey. The College, and tures. There is a great deal of dead wood to be more especially the student side of it, is very far cut away once the pruning knife is out.

THE ENft flr THE lilVI

WIT-H NO RtTFE Re HC£ ro -r-H'S Frederick Earl. K.C. Frank Geo. Massey, LL.B. Oliver Nicholson George A. Gribbin Geo. S. Kent, LL.B. Erima Harvey Northcroft, Harry M. Roger son Oliver E. Nicholson Not. Pub.

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