SEMESTER 2 WEEK 4 18 AUGUST 2010

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ELECTION EDITION 2

NEXT This Week's: The Juliette Binoche Award for Best Jean CONTENTSValjean Characterisation: David Mack WEEk’S GUEST JOURNALIST: HONI SOIT, EDITION 16 MARK LATHAM Most divisive soundtrack: Lost in Translation Least surprising Google search term to return images of blowjobs: ‘vintage gays’ 18 AUGUST 2010 Most outstanding gangs: The Sharks, the Jets and the Coconuts Most appropriate AND most inappropriate cake descriptor: ‘moist’ Henry Hawthorne gets stuck in purgatory at Belvoir St. 09 The Post Jess Stirling burns out with Arcade Fire. Union election promises, Tom Lee done three 03 Jacinta Mulders wraps herself some ways, privilege and USyd and the Honi Op-Ed Vietnamese in Darlinghurst. competition! Paul Ellis rolls up to a Board Game Cafe. The Uni-Cycle 04 The Usual Suspects Anusha Rutnam writes on the life and death of 10 Dhruv Nagrath picks his soundtrack to the former VC, Sir Bruce Williams. City2Surf. Joe Payten reports on the USyd student Ted Talas reports on the Rawson Cup. who had a High Court victory. Nicole Buskiewicz walks like an Egyptian. Naomi Hart looks at the success of the Mandarin-speaking debaters. David Mack meets a USyd student running for 11 Parliament, and digs up an old Tony Abbott report. Henry Hawthorne looks at the fringes of the political spectrum. The Usual Suspects 06 Monica Connors thinks boat people are people after all. MEXICAN RAINBOW CAKE! Joe Payten, Naomi Hart and David Mack heard a rumour, then reported it. Carmen Culina knows USyd students like Miriam Jones is livin’ la vida loca with USyd’s them some Tony Jones. Spanish Society. Joe Smith-Davies doesn’t want a beer with a politician. Anusha Rutnam gets sleazy on George St. THE HYPOTHETICAL: Joe Smith-Davies and Bridie Connellan The Mains 12 Would you rather argue over which music festival is the bestival. Rob Chiarella asks whether election Be able to changeOR traffic lights at will primaries are here to stay. The Arts-Hole Pat Bateman debunks the myths in this Be able to cup your hands, then open them to 08 election. reveal a ball of ice cream? Monica Connors and Tom Clement share FAQs their thoughts on The Wizard Of Arts. Hannah Lee vs. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. The Soapbox 14 Will the ice cream make my hands sticky? David Mack chats with Professor Anne Emily Eskell reviews the latest soapy SUDS Probs, if you don’t eat it fast enough. Twomey about Australia’s great voting system play, Singing My Sister Down. Can I choose the flavour of the ice cream? Rob Ashton meets a working family. No, the flavour depends entirely on your mood. Feeling Tim Whelan fakes being an undecided voter. apathetic? Vanilla. Feeling bitter? Lemon sorbet. Feeling constipated? Rocky road. David Mulligan takes a look at the Greens. Joe Smith-Davies counts down the top political How many traffic accidents will I cause? slogans. Accidents in unimaginable numbers, I presume. Oli Burton pleads for political consistency. Can I end the scourge of world hunger with the ice Chris Martin looks at the lack of Arts policy in cream? the election. 16 Yes, but you will be responsible for the scourge of world hates fugly politicians. diabetes. Larissa Rembisz Joe Payten wants you struck off the electoral roll. SRC 17 Bletchley Park 20 The Garter Press 21-23 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Naomi Hart EDITORS Bridie Connellan, Carmen Culina, Henry Hawthorne, Ben Jenkins, David Mack, Joe Payten, Anusha

The best thing about voting in Australia Rutnam, Joe Smith-Davies, Diana Tjoeng is the cake stall as you wait at the local primary school. #democracywin #moist REPORTERS Oli Burton, Nicole Buskiewicz, Rob Chiarella, Tom Clement, Monica Connors, Paul Ellis, Hannah 1 hour ago Lee, Chris Martin, David Mulligan, Jacinta Mulders, Larissa Rembisz, Jess Stirling, Ted Talas, Tim Whelan Vanilla slice regret. #moist 45 mins ago CONTRIBUTORS Rob Ashton, Pat Bateman, Emily Eskell, Miriam Jones, Dhruv Nagrath CROSSWORD Mark Sutton

DISCLAIMER Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. The SRC’s ion costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. Honi Soit’s editors and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and distributed on Aboriginal land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s directors of student publications: Mel Brooks, Tim Mooney, Alistair Stephenson , Andy Thomas and Cherissa Zhou. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. The Post 3 Union Board communal objectification of women. The notion of Tom and his mates EDITORIAL standing around and stalking women broken promises Connoisseurs of Australian political history ballots, and separating the truth from the CONTENTS on facebook is downright disturbing. may be familiar with the federal electoral bunkum in some electoral fundamentals. HONI SOIT, EDITION 16 Dear Honi, For someone who aspires of high office district of Eden-Monaro. Nestled in the Other articles shed light on the policies 18 AUGUST 2010 – Tom is apparently running for SRC nether regions of south-eastern New South and important civic functions of minor I have to express how disappointed I am President – such remarks do not bode Wales and one of the country’s original 75 and fringe parties, chronicle memorable divisions, its fame springs from its bellwether political slogans, educate you in how to be that only one Union Board Director, Viv well. Only a week ago Tom labelled the character: in all 42 federal elections, Eden- Moxam-Hall, is declared to be voting in an undecided voter, pick up the megaphone SRC Sexual Harassment Officer a ‘bitch’ Monaro has elected an MP from the party for music policy, and even hatch a plan to 09 favour of the Fair Trade Referendum. and then went on to apologise to her on which ultimately wins. engineer a boost in Calippo sales – and that’s her facebook wall by rationalising this just for entrée. From what I recall, many candidates ran sexist slur because it was prefaced by a Other electorates have had worse fortunes. on a Fair Trade policy and the student reference to Ben Tang as a ‘spastic.’ Swan and Cowan, both in Western Australia, As always, we’ve also got our eyes on have not elected members of the government campus. A new crop of superstar debaters, body were given pamphlets outlining Heaven help the SRC if this buffoon is since 1998; Calare, in rural New South Arts Revue, the Rawson Cup and the which candidates would vote in favour elected President. Wales, has bucked the national trend since impending SRC races all fell under our of the referendum. Current Board 1996. gaze. We also had the opportunity to delve 10 Directors Alistair Stephenson, Ben Tang, Phil Boncardo into the archives to dig up a report written James Flynn and Sibella Matthews all Law V It’s this sort of delightful nugget that enriches by Tony Abbott during his tenure as SRC officially stated “if elected, [they] would the democratic experience every few years. President, and in order to pay homage to vote in favour of the referendum in its On Saturday night, the red and blue bars a former USyd Vice Chancellor, Sir Bruce Rickshaws back! are what will keep most of our eyes glued to Williams, who passed away recently. current form”. Unfortunately, once the the screen, but it’s worth keeping more than polls have closed, none of the above Hey Honi, the two-party Lower House dance-off on the You should also know that some freaking candidates have fulfilled their promise mindgrapes – and this week’s Honi points delicious cake was harmed in the making of 11 thus far. I thought it would be a good idea to you in the right direction. We have features this edition. See left. send in a letter to say what I’m doing scrutinising the contests that candidates fight Naomi Hart out before they even get on the national I understand this is not the first of rather than just have stuff passed down election promises to be broken. No the grapevine to that’s what she said. To Privilege not a does knowing that you won’t be alone, one really expected free Wi-Fi or a be reported as still ‘considering running’ that there will be others with similar fictional library, however the Fair Trade sounds weak and uncommitted, which is prerequisite backgrounds and interests and that your referendum is a vital ethical decision the not a good look, and I like to think I’m experience and view of the world will be Dear Honi Soit University must make. an all-in kind of guy. valued.

I was very pleased to read Joseph I urge everyone to attend upcoming I’m totally going for it. I’m pumped for it Through Compass and other programs Callingham’s letter (Letters, 4/8/10) Fair Trade events and lobby the Board too, I think I’ve got a solid chance. And at the University I want to ensure that 12 to Honi about the University’s plan to Directors to commit to their policy here’s the pitch: [Tom then proceeded all students, not just the wealthy ones, increase the number of students from promises. to give us his campaign pitch, which of have the ability to make truly informed low socio-economic backgrounds, course we can’t publish. Thanks anyway, choices about their educational futures. because his description of his own Stan Haberfield Tom!] And at the same time I think the background proves our point: students Arts, 3rd Year University community will benefit from from these backgrounds can and do excel Cheers, having a wider representation of our 14 at school and benefit from a University Tom Lee community (albeit a smart and engaged Poor taste Tom of Sydney education. one) represented here.

Dear Honi, Letter of the Week! The real issue is that many other Tom’s other fan Cheers, students from low socio-economic Carmen’s article in last week’s Dear Honi, Annette Cairnduff backgrounds don’t go on to higher edition (“Where Is My Mind”, 11/8/10) Director Social Inclusion education, often because they simply on depression and anxiety amongst uni I find it quite ironic that, merely DVC Education Portfolio don’t think it’s within their reach. We students was nuanced and informative. It one page after the feature article on know that students from wealthier Love mail? Hate mail? Like mail? was with a great deal of disappointment the prevalence of mental illness in backgrounds are more than three times then that I turned the page to find Tom student populations, Tom Lee finds more likely to go on to higher education SEND IT ALL TO Lee’s purportedly amusing piece on it appropriate to diagnose and insult 16 than a student from a low socio- [email protected] baby picture display pictures (“All Up In all people who put baby photos on economic background. This isn’t NEXT WEEK’S BEST LETTER PRIZE: My Grill”, 11/8/10). Tom asserts that Facebook with depression (“All Up In because they are smarter; it is because One tin of Milo. having such a picture as your display My Grill”, 11/8/10). the hurdles for many students from low picture is indicative of depression and 17 socio-economic backgrounds are greater. that all people suffering depression had Putting aside the questionable factual

to do was man up and deal with it. This basis of such a claim, Lee goes beyond 20 There is a common misconception is offensive and insensitive bile. His insinuations to directly state that the that encouraging students from low remark about how absurd it would have right thing for depressives to do is to socio-economic backgrounds will lower been for Geoff Gallop to turn up to mediate their overwhelming narcissism standards and impact on the academic cabinet and bandy around baby pictures by removing themselves from public life. rigour of higher education institutions. as a means to deal with his depression

was also odious. Tom’s piece not only Lee may not be a part of the 20% of The reality is that higher education conveyed that he was a tactless fool, people suffering from a mental illness, students from low socio-economic but also that he was a heartless human but he can certainly can certainly count backgrounds generally do as well as being. Depression is not something to be himself to be one of the many insensitive other students. This is definitely so at trivialised and parodied, Tom. and ignorant people who perpetuate Sydney. There is also plenty of evidence such a stigmitisation of mental illness. to suggest that a diverse student body He then went on to lament that baby adds to the student experience, teaching display pictures ruined he and his mates’ Caitlin Gleeson quality and learning outcomes. WHAT YOU NEED TO DO: the We won’t be lowering our academic • Write an opinion piece on the standards or undermining the sense of theme of ‘Censorship’ Hello, hello – I bet you thought that you were rid of me. I have returned. It hasn’t achievement for those like Joseph who • Make sure it’s 800-1000 words been easy. Thestalker last week has seen me pondering the unthinkable: retirement. and your own original work have got in to study here. What we want But then you walked in to my life, and all my problems just disappeared. Just • Submit it by 5pm (EST) Friday watching you tap, tap, tapping at computer number 8 on level 3 in Fisher library to do is to ensure that the brightest and takes my breath away. There could be no finer denouement to a busy week than most promising students don’t rule out 17 September 2010 to opinion@ the sight of you. Your straight, black hair is perfect. Your reading glasses are this opportunity, or higher education src.usyd.edu.au (Entries open damn classy. And although your red and black hooded sweatshirt successfully more generally, because they think that 5pm 6 August 2010) conceals your perfect skin from my ravenous gaze, it does little to obscure your • Include your full name, year, shapely pectorals. My, oh my, oh my, I bet you could bench-press me over and ‘people like me don’t go to the University over and over if you wanted to. And over, and over, and over. And over. And. of Sydney’. degree, faculty, student ID Over. Oh yeah – push for the burn. number, email and phone Were you stalked? Send a photo of yourself to [email protected] and you may win a Scholarships help, of course, but so contact details. prize! 4 The Uni-Cycle www.honisoit.com Vale: Former VC Bruce USyd student wins GetUp! Williams High Court Case Joe Payten talks to Doug Thompson about his High Court victory. Anusha Rutnam looks at the works of the former Vice-Chancellor. University of Sydney student Douglas Thompson’s beliefs in democracy and Sir Bruce Williams, Vice- Thompson was recently placed in the procrastination coincided in this GetUp! Chancellor of Sydney media spotlight as a key participant in campaign and were the inspiration for University between 1967 the most interesting thing to happen to him to become involved. “I had friends and 1981, has died at the date in relation to the upcoming Federal working at GetUp! that were looking age of 91. election. Thompson, the former USU for people that had failed to update Honorary Treasurer, was a plaintiff their enrolment details in time,” he said. Sir Bruce’s tenure saw in the landmark case, brought by the “Whilst I don’t agree with everything the rise of unprecedented independent political organization GetUp! does or how they go about it, student radicalism GetUp! in the High Court of Australia, I was more than happy to be involved and protest. In a 1979 that saw the voter registration deadline with something that could increase the interview in Honi he was extended, as the pre-existing limits number of young Australians voting.” asked what he thought imposed by the Howard Government about the “sanctity of the were deemed unconstitutional. Despite the symbolic importance of University from police being the second plaintiff, Thompson intrusions”. His response GetUp!, a political advocacy feels his role was relatively minimal. “I was blunt: he said there Sir Bruce depicted in Honi Soit, 1979. organization that describes itself as a had to sign an affidavit that detailed was “no such freedom under the law”. an open letter calling for him to resign “new independent political movement my attempts to enrol leading up to the one of his posts. The letter was published to build a progressive Australia”, closing of the electoral roll, and that was Though one might expect that such a in Honi and asserted that Williams was the driving force behind the two submitted as evidence,” he said. “Apart statement would attract the rancour of would be faced with a great conflict of landmark cases in the High Court from that, I attended the first day of a bleeding heart liberal rag like Honi, interest, and would be forced to “toe the and Federal Court. The decision in proceedings down in Canberra.” the article in fact begins by praising Sir Government line”. the High Court saw an extension of Bruce’s “wry sense of humour”. the Australian Electoral Commission’s Being a part of a landmark With USyd’s entrance requirements registration deadline, allowing thousands Constitutional law case was, “a truly In the same interview, he rejected claims currently a topic of discussion in the of previously unregistered and amazing experience” for Thompson. being made by the then SRC President White Paper, it is interesting to note that disenfranchised voters the opportunity to “To have all seven Justices of the High Tony Abbott regarding falling academic Sir Bruce grappled with similar issues have their say in the upcoming election, Court sitting in front of you, at times standards. during his time as Vice-Chancellor. one of whom was Thompson. “I was in talking about you, was really something Under his watch, entry to USyd became that position and really believed that only quite special, even if Justice Kiefel did Sir Bruce was not always held in high less restricted in terms of social diversity, having one day to place yourself on the insinuate that I was lazy.” regard by students, however. Because of and he supported the relative freedom roll for the first time and three days to his membership on the Reserve Bank offered to students by the changes. update your details was an unnecessarily Indeed, Thompson’s victory is an board, in 1969 six USyd students wrote narrow window,” he said. important one for all Australians, particularly those who couldn’t be bothered enrolling to vote on time. USU’s Mandarin Debaters Take Silver in Taiwan Naomi Hart reports on the success of the Union’s first ever Mandarin-speaking debating team. It’s hard to come to Sydney Uni without Hong Kong. They steamrolled their way how it could better develop being bombarded with news about through to the Grand Final where they ESL debaters at this university. debating, but here’s something novel: were defeated by the National University Elle Jones, the current the Union has recently sponsored its of Singapore. Director of Debates, has first ever Mandarin-speaking debating told the Committee that the team. Zhenyu Feng, Ling Wang, At the biggest international debating Union is extremely proud Liangliang Xie, Pengju Han and Hong tournaments in which the University of the team and hopes to Yu Xin recently battled it out at the of Sydney Union competes, such as capitalise on its success. In International Outstanding Youth Cup the World Championships and the December each year, the Mandarin Speaking Oregon Debates Australasian Championships, there are Union hosts the Australian Competition, hosted in Taiwan. English as a Second Language divisions, British Parliamentary but the USU has only ever competed in Debating Championship, the The Silver Medallists. The crew, comprising all native the main divisions. largest annual British Parliamentary Mandarin speakers but novice debaters, tournament in the southern hemisphere. upset the defending champions, National The outstanding performance in Jones says that the Committee is Chengchi University, and last year’s Taiwan, however, has prompted the considering introducing an ESL division runners-up, the Chinese University of USU Debates Committee to consider for the first time ever.

Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney NNominations for the Students’ Representative Council Annual Wentworth Building). Elections for the year 2010 close at 4.30pm Tuesday 24th August Notice of 2010 2010. Polling will be held on the 22nd and 23rd of September Nominations must also be lodged online along with your policy 2010. Pre-polling will also take place outside the SRC Offices Level statement and Curriculum Vitae (optional), by close of nominations at Students’ 1 Wentworth Building on Tuesday 21st of September 2010 from www.src.usyd.edu.au. For more information, call 9660 5222. 10 am - 3pm. All students who are duly enrolled for attendance at lectures are eligible to vote. Members of the student body who have Signed nomination forms and a printed copy of your online Representative paid their affiliation fees to Council are eligible to nominate and nomination must be received no later than 4.30pm on Tuesday 24th be nominated, except National Union of Students national office August, either in the locked box at the SRC Front Office (Level 1 Council bearers. Fulltime officebearers of the SRC may also nominate as NUS Wentworth), or at the following address: Annual Election delegates. PO Box 794, Broadway NSW 2007. Nominations are called for the following elections/positions and Nominations which have not been delivered either to the locked box open 4th August 2010: in the SRC front office or to the post office box shown above and submitted online by the close of nominations will not be accepted (a) The election of the Representatives to the 83rd SRC (31 regardless of when they were posted. positions) (b) The election of the President of the 83rd SRC The Regulations of the SRC relating to elections are available on- (c) The election of the Editor(s) of Honi Soit for the 83rd SRC line at www.src.usyd.edu.au or from the SRC Front Office (level 1, (d) The election of National Union of Students delegates for Wentworth Building). the 83rd SRC (7 positions)

Authorised by Paulene Graham, SRC Electoral Officer 2010. Nomination forms can be downloaded from the SRC website: Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney www.src.usyd.edu.au, or picked up from SRC Front Office (Level 1, Phone: 02 9660 5222 www.src.usyd.edu.au 5 Sydney Uni student running for Honi Flashback to 1979: Parliament with the Liberals Tony Abbott, SRC President David Mack caught up with young politician, Alex Dore. David Mack digs up some old copies of Honi.

Sydney University student Alex Dore It’s with some pride that we here at Honi, will be contesting the Federal Election and indeed the entire Sydney Uni SRC, this Saturday for the seat of Grayndler, have watched this election: the Leader in Sydney’s Inner West. 19-year-old of the Opposition spent a year of his idle Dore will be running as the Liberal youth as SRC President and could very Party candidate against the current local soon be the Prime Minister. member, Anthony Albanese, who is himself a USyd alumnus. Tony Abbott may have enjoyed the most controversial tenure of any President in Dore said he hadn’t sensed any the history of the SRC. His election, as negativity in the electorate as a result a conservative, marked a (temporary) of age. “So far I have received a lot of break in a lengthy parade of left-leaning encouragement from people willing to leaders. One of his main objectives give me a go,” he said. “The stereotype during his Presidency was to introduce that young people are idealistic and voluntary student unionism (a feat Abbott in Honi 1979. inexperienced does arise, but while I may the Howard government would later to replace them with others of a partisan have more to learn, so does this Labor achieve) and radically reform the entire politico, socio, sexual bent. He complains Government.” organisation. Needless to say, this did not to the Hon. Sec./Treasurer, the Honi go down well with the rest of the SRC. editors and anyone else who will listen. He admitted he has found it difficult to manage his studies amid campaigning. So controversial were Abbott’s I walk down the corridor to my ‘office’. “Getting the balance between studies, Dore...certainly more handsome than weekly “President’s Reports” that the It is finally time, I decide, to remove the rest, and campaigning right is difficult,” Albanese. 1979 Honi editors would end them condom which has been pinned on my he said. “I campaign around lectures and Dore faces an uphill battle though, as with the following postscript: “AS door. It rather clashes with the lesbian tutorials, and study into the night – I am Grayndler is the safest Labor seat in ALWAYS, THIS REPRESENTS posters that have been plastered there. getting used to around four to five hours NSW – still, he remains committed. THE PERSONAL VIEWS OF THE A notice I had placed on the door reads sleep per night – although I sleep in on PRESIDENT AND DOES NOT “Tony (confidentially) you are a fuckwit”. Sunday. It’s not easy though.” “I have never been under the impression REFLECT ANY ATTITUDES OF It has now been slashed for good that running for Grayndler would be an THE SRC, OR THE EDITORS”. measure. Dore maintains that the conservatism easy task, but I am determined to stand remains strong among students, up against this Labor Government and The letters section was another fraught My first phone call is to someone who despite the stereotypes of universities the values that it represents. The politics area for Abbott, with one June 18, has been trying to ring me for days. as a place for radical Marxists. “As for of envy, entitlement, and selfishness have 1979 letter from “A Distraught 1st Year Messages are often strangely mislaid at representation, I contest this idea that never appealed to me,” he said. Economics Student” criticising a Sydney “our” SRC. right-wing students are completely Morning Herald opinion piece Abbott had ostracised in the tertiary education “Australia is prosperous because of the authored. “Yes folks,” the letter read, Finding a copy of Honi, I check on community. While most are left-wing, a hard work, selflessness, and sacrifice “our beloved führer has managed to show a feature I had suggested containing great deal of people would agree with of older generations. I believe that not only us but the whole of Sydney photos of SRC graffiti, an article of me, in respecting the right of other Government should promote these what a complete and utter dickhead he mine condemning such vandalism, and people to hold differing opinions,” he principles, not undermine them,” he is.” one defending it as “art”. Photos and said. said. articles are almost indistinguishable At the beginning of this year, we tried on a blurred grey-spotted background, “At Australian universities, unlike many Dore said he has turned to family and to arrange a profile with Mr Abbott, and the page is dominated by a daubed countries around the world, there is a friends for support during the campaign but despite out best efforts it seemed slogan. It seems the paint brush is at pervading sense of group-think and and on election day. “My family are not he couldn’t make time for us. Perhaps work even on the pages of Honi. Perhaps political correctness at every turn. But overly politically active – only my brother unsurprising given this was what he it is just as well – the pro-graffiti article I am passionate about my beliefs, and I and I are members of the Liberal Party wrote of Honi in his first ever “President’s is three times as long as mine. The Honi am certainly not embarrassed by them,” – so a little bit of a black sheep,” he told Report”: “But what else have we got to editors apologise profusely, but no, they he said. Honi. show for [the money the SRC spends]? will not reprint the feature. … We have printed several issues of Honi “I don’t live in a bubble and I am no “Though both my parents and twin Soit, which last year, as everyone will Returning to my office I am troubled ideologue, I have many friends who vote brother have been very supportive – they remember, was a disreputable rag.” by the thought of the SRC’s utter Greens, Liberal and Labor – we have encouraged my decision and have helped irrelevance to the daily academic grind colourful discussions, and I love the me on the campaign trail for weeks Continuing our journalistic of most students. These thoughts rigour of debate – although not so many now.” disreputability, we proudly bring you this are not dissipated while I remain for of my friends vote Family First,” he said. gem of an article written by our former several hours, not receiving a single call, “To give you an example, today I President. Congrats on all your success, letter, or visit from any student, except campaigned at 6am with some local Tony! occasional abuse from the “welfare” Liberals at a station in the electorate, officers across the corridor. then at 9am we were at Orange Grove A Day in The Life of Markets battling the Greens and my I console myself with the thought that Mum joined, before I headed off with the SRC President at least I haven’t had to remove candles, my Dad and some Liberals to Ashfield March 27, 1979 placed so as to jut obscenely from the Mall for some campaigning with the front office wall, or try to stop payment weekend shoppers.” I arrive at the SRC to be immediately on cheques disappearing from the front confronted by a garbage can on its office. He said he believed crime in the side and papers scattered all along the area was too high and supported the SRC corridor. However, this does not WHY DO WE ALL CONTINUE introduction of CCTV cameras in seem as dirty as one might think, as the TO TOLERATE PAYING FEES TO crime-prone areas. walls themselves have been covered in THIS ORGANISATION? I HOPE obscenities. A clean floor would seem YOU WILL HELP RESOLVE THIS “I also understand that small business in almost incongruous. QUESTION BY VOTING IN THE the area is doing it tough – both of my FORTHCOMING REFERENDUM parents started small businesses, and so I notice that the front office wall has ON THE SUBJECT. I understand how difficult it is to make been decorated with homosexual posters ends meet in an unstable environment.” by one of the front office staff who stares Yours, sullenly and uncooperatively, especially TONY ABBOTT when I take them down and ask him not SRC PRESIDENT 6 The Usual Suspects www.honisoit.com THAT'S WHAT SOC IT Spanish Society SHE SAID TO ME The best hearsay, gossip and rumours on campus. Miriam Jones quiere conocerte. “TWO BECOME ONE”? Sydney Uni Spanish Society is a broad Last week, this column reported that Fortunately (although not so much two tickets forming to contest the Honi church. We have members who are for John’s and Paul’s who were both uttering their first words of Spanish as election, one headed by past Union defeated), the vuvuzelas were put away Board President Pat Bateman and the they navigate their way through first year and the matches continued. Games will uni. We have members who are native other by second year Arts/Commerce not be held on the Square in future. student Paul Ellis, were potentially going speakers. We have members who have to merge. Spanish-speaking parents but aren’t so USU vs COEN BROTHERS crash-hot on the language themselves. A random member of the Spanish Society Whilst Doug Thompson, last week The organisers of the USU Verge Arts Our dear President is a Portuguese reported to be a part of the ticket, has Festival narrowly avoided a legal battle impossible ways, and most importantly, speaker who spanishises her Portuguese since pulled out, all other members of with a Hollywood Studio and Oscar- fantasising your life as a character in when she can’t remember the right Bateman’s initial group are part of the winning writer/directors over one of the Vicky, Cristina, Barcelona. Spanish words. merged ticket. Fellow Law students Paul major acts of this year’s festival. Karp, Andy Thomas and Anna Bennett At our humble society we have Monday Some are practising the language for are confirmed members, as well as Two Gentlemen of Lebowski, a play by evening and Tuesday afternoon more renegade purposes: to prepare for Psychology student Nicole Doughty and Adam Bertocci based on the premise, conversation sessions at Manning, BBQs, the Bolivarian revolution, or to learn Law third-year Lewis d’Avigdor, who “what if William Shakespeare wrote salsa, taco and tequila evenings, weekly from Zapatista communities in the south ran in last year’s Honi race on the ticket The Big Lebowski?”, was planned by the film screenings, and we’re in the process of Mexico. And let’s face it, some just Hatter. Festival organisers to be one of the of starting up a theatre group. come for the free Union beer. centrepiece acts of the festival. Ellis would bring with him Media/ We had a sizeable representative Four hundred million folk worldwide Communications students Callie Last weekend, after casting and contingent at this year’s awkwardly- speak Spanish. About half of the Henderson and Arghya Gupta. rehearsals had already begun, the named “Euronce-Upon-A-Time” party. population of the US is projected to be organisers received an email from But we want to grow more! native Spanish speakers by 2050. Apart Whether the merger will proceed is Bertocci notifying them that he in fact from the impressive stats, Spanish is uncertain: both tickets are eager to did not have the ability to give the USU For more information, email us at just a darn sweet language: the way it avoid a campaign, but other tickers may stage rights. [email protected], or check emerge anyway. rolls off the tongue, the films starring us out on Facebook under “Sydney Gael Garcia Bernal, the literature of Whilst it was initially written as a parody, University Spanish Society”. Latin America, all sorts of music that A ROSE BY ANY OTHER the rights to Two Gentlemen of Lebowski makes you want to shake your booty in NAME were later given to the Coen brothers Nos vemos! Arriba! Arriba! Already some names are being floated (the writers and directors of The Big for tickets in the Honi race. Ellis was Lebowski) and Universal Pictures. considering “iHoni 2.0” for his ticket, that all’s not well is the preponderance whilst Bateman is backing “Herpes” of weaponry shops. There’s something The Verge organisers were faced with (“Laughter is contagious! So is Herpes”). deeply dispiriting about a cardboard the daunting possibility of a legal tussle There are also rumours of the moniker shopfront sign advertising discount with the Coens and Universal, or the “Meth” making an appearance. samurai swords. more daunting possibility of having to find a new act less than a month out SORRY, ROSS Indeed, there is actually less knifey from the festival. Anusha Rutnam gets her sleaze on at Last week this column reported that Ross retail than there used to be – you may the southern end of George St. remember Mick Smith’s Gun Shop Leedham, who will be running for SRC The crisis was averted, however, after where, I have it on good authority, one President in the upcoming elections, is negotiation with Universal’s lawyers saw Full disclosure: I have a history with was able to procure guns from a man the current WHIGS President. the USU gain the rights, successfully this patch of Sydney, a history which named Mick Smith. Rumour has it avoiding a storm as big as John could potentially prevent me from that the guy closed shop to move into Ross has since informed us that he is, in Goodman himself. representing it in a wholly objective fact, not the current WHIGS President, the lucrative hotel industry, specialising manner. In my early teens I developed a honeymoon specials. Bless. eliminating what was perhaps the only TO STRIKE OR NOT TO persistent cough that proved resistant to interesting element of his campaign. STRIKE Western medicine. My mother hauled Then there’s the sex shops, which Honi received an email on the weekend me to the office of a ‘doctor’ in one of Miranda Devine took particular issue Good luck, Ross! from a first-year Philosophy student, the elongated, candy-coloured terraces with in her diatribe on George Street Nathan McDonnell, complaining about that pepper the strip. Now, the man I printed earlier this year. Personally I VUVUZELAS BLAST the number of students in his tutorial. was taken to see; I’m not calling him RAWSON CUP, VC think they are the least of the strip’s a witch doctor but I’m not not calling worries. For one thing I have always The opening match of the Rawson McDonnell, who says he has the support him a witch doctor. Out of myriad found the Pleasure Chest’s elegant Cup Football competition, competed in of all five tutors, says discovering his witchy-drawers in his office, he would sapphic logo and mysterious blue light by the Colleges of the University, was PHIL1013 tutorial had 30 students pull various herbs and fungi which he rather captivating. But Devine was controversially held on the Square last prompted him to create a petition, and assured would cure what ailed me. Into dead on the money when it comes to the week, a change from the usual venue, the he’s now considering organising a strike. a pot of boiling water they went, and vomit. There is a lot and it is not nice. more secluded St Paul’s Oval. out would come one funky-ass, bad ju ju “We hate tutorials being a waste of concoction. When an architect was brought in to The spectators did their best to replicate time. We hate being too nervous to advise Lord Mayor Clover Moore on the ambience of the recently concluded contribute. We hate the sheer size of I think I drank the mysterious potion what improvements could be made to World Cup in South Africa by bringing huge tutorials excluding the majority of once and spent the next few weeks the area he suggested ridding the road of along their vuvuzelas, much to the students. We hate our education being devising Mr Bean-esque ways of cars to turn it into a vast promenade. I displeasure of the Vice-Chancellor. commercialised. We want more, and disposing of the stuff on the sly. The for one oppose this idea as the only thing therefore smaller, tutorials,” he wrote. cough went away, as these things often that could possibly be worse than driving During the matches, the organisers do. My fear and loathing of the stretch past the strip would be walking along it. of the match received a call from Dr The strike seems appropriate seeing as of road has lived on. I’m like Pavlov’s Michael Spence requesting that the Philosophy students already spend so dog but with more dry retching. Instead, I suggest we look to that droning cease. When his request was not much time debating whether they’re visionary of civic development Emperor initially complied with, a second call was really there or not. Dodgy medical practices aside, there is Nero of Rome, a man who understood made threatening to cancel the match a lot wrong with this arterial road that both the cleansing power of fire and that immediately if the festive atmosphere Joe Payten, David Mack and threatens to infest Sydney’s heart with sometimes it’s just better to start over. was not brought under control. Naomi Hart its festering mankyness. The first hint 7 Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney The Bar Fight: Joe Smith-Davies enjoys one Big Day Out; SRC Elections 2010 Bridie Connellan says three is much more Splendid. Postal Voting

As a bred Sydney-sider, the Big may endure another day of blood, sweat Day Out clientele is edifyingly and tears of festival joy. Think ahead Application Form Harbour-centric. You don’t or enjoy telling tales of your shelter need to get existential with shmozzle. drippy-hippy Kerouac-abusers or wistfully reminisce about But it’s not just about being not going to Woodstock with there, it’s about getting there. mid-life crisis sufferers. Also, Given BDO’s proximity to major as a keen tattoo enthusiast, it is conurbations and the multitude of POSTAL VOTING always nice to keep up with the transportation options available If you wish to vote in the 2010 SRC elections but are unable to zeitgeist. This year it seemed the to get to Sydney’s most beloved ex- vote EITHER on polling days Wednesday 22nd or Thursday 23rd stars of the Southern Cross were dump, some truly extraordinary September at any of the advertised locations, OR on pre-polling only outlined and not filled in. arrivals can be made. I heard a day (on main campus) Tuesday 21st September, then you may apply Maybe next year they won’t be story on the train home in which for a postal vote. there at all. a group of old school friends crawled through a labyrinth of Fill in this form and send it to: sewage tunnels for two and a half Maybe. Or maybe they’ve regrouped Electoral Officer to swarm and burl in greater numbers, hours only to pop out of a manhole Sydney University Students’ Representative Council with more enthusiasm for System (to the delight of nearby festival- of a Down and continuous loud goers) within five metres of the PO Box 794, Broadway NSW 2007. searches for their mate Tommo. This Sydney Showground. Although is the crucial point of difference. they may have been in search of a Please note: postal vote applications MUST BE RECEIVED AND Bogan ratios. Now, I’m certainly not Mastadon rather than a Mintotaur, IN OUR PO BOX by Friday the 24th of August at 4.30pm or they saying Splendour has a lack of or is ploughed fields have nothing will not be considered. No exceptions. completely devoid of XXXX Gold- on inadvertent re-creations of smuggling fans of Muse, only the classical mythology. You may use a photocopy of this form. population of respectably-dressed human beings in the Grass seems to I pity the fool who had to mosh next to Name of applicant: shame these stubbies-toters into a pair your myth-hunting murkers. Like Sting, of stovepipes or kindly go back to the we hunt for Fields of Gold. The mission Student Card Number: Gold Coast. Sure, pretentiousness may to find that splendour in the yonderland outweigh good humour at SITG, but is worth every cowpat, every lost hitcher, Faculty/Year: at least the masses know they’re not every search for a radio station blasting going to go home with ‘Tits Out For Mambo Hour. It may be the warbles The Boys’ stuck in their head. of a hessian-toting tipi-dwelling chai- Phone Number: ( ) sippin’ hippie, but the appeal of glancing It’s pretty catchy. And although upon the likes of a sunset vista across Email: humanity may have split the the Queenslandian countryside between atom, eliminated countless sets is moderately more appealing Mobile: life-threatening diseases and than scooting around sewage only to propelled Snooki from Jersey rediscover the concrete relics of the I hereby apply for a postal vote for the 2010 SRC elections. I declare Shore to international stardom, Sydney Olympics. Much like cousin Falls that I am unable to attend a polling booth on any of the polling it is still yet to perfect the tent. Festival the effort and cost involved in days, OR on any of the pre-polling days, for the following reason: Your precious sanctuary from attending SITG brings a distinct respect (please be specific. Vague or facetious reasons will not be accepted. the electoral the perpetual sensory assault of to the site, rather than an ability to coat officer must under section 20(a) of the election Regulation consider that the stated a festival is too often proof of the pavement in Vodka, Red Bull, urine reason justifies the issuing of a postal vote.) shoddy design and manufacture and a sweaty Oz-rock line-up. and little else. “Sleep” in these risible canvas knolls usually Don’t even try the line-up card, involves splintered dentures as this year’s BDO gave Splendour a you chatter your way through run for its (exorbitant) money. hours of darkness waiting for warmth and an all too brief Sure they managed to snare Peaches, window of pleasant temperate admittedly that’s fairly commendable. rest before everything overheats. But despite this year’s BDO taking a With BDO, these tartan blight of turn for the better, over the last ten years Signature: masculinity are mercifully not SITG has sported a largely higher calibre required. of line-up with distinctly world class cats shacking up in the artist camping zone. Please send voting papers to the following address: Alright Princess, it’s all about Even this year, Mumford with Sons in preparation. Seasoned SITG vets toe called the festival one of the best know the risks of not taking an extra line-ups on a global scale, with the ability State: Postcode: cardigan or five, and the odds are to lure punters an extra thousand k’s exhaustion will be enough to block north of civilisation for an extra coupla I require a copy of the election edition of Honi Soit: YES / NO that pre-Spring tent chill. That early hundy. Admittedly, this year saw a few morning tent musk is what we real shared sparkles between the two festies, men call a ‘natural alarm clock’, a fine with the Temper Trap, Tame Impala, For more information contact reminder that rest is time-appropriate. Miami Horror and Passion Pit lighting Paulene Graham, Electoral Officer 02 9660 5222 Big Day Out is an understatement, fires in both camps, but even The Strokes with a large part of your soul sweated worked out years ago that BDO is like out and a large amount of dehydrated Just Cuts - the quasi-acceptable mistake sunstroke taken in. The tent is a you’ll never make again. sacred cubby for recovery, so the mind Authorised by Paulene Graham, SRC Electoral Officer 2010. Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney Phone: 02 9660 5222 www.src.usyd.edu.au 8 The Arts Hole www.honisoit.com ARTS REVUE In the frosty York Theatre the 2010 of subjects, professors or lecture halls and Arts revue has made a return to the main raucous laughter and then an awkward Revue season began with the Arts literary references were rare and half- stage of the York Theatre and has done dragging on until everyone just sort of Faculty’s The Wizard of Arts. The directors hearted. so with a bang. A decidedly short one at wandered off. – Phillip Roser, Simon Kraegen and that … More of a pop, really. This was Michael Richardson – have created a The funniest part of the revue was the one of the shorter revues, but as we’ve It’s not often one finds slavery the funniest show, which was surprisingly difficult video piece introducing the production’s come to expect from Arts students their part of a sketch, but Willy Wonka’s to digest. Stories were thin and the directors and cast. It showed the acting and stage presence was impeccable. science defiance pulled it off … only to occasional dance numbers simply padded personalities of those involved and unlike be let down by a lacklustre ending. But out the situation. Moreover it failed to the rest of the show, it was focused and Some of the more notable sketches this was just one of many; soft shelled harness the energy and humour that is so sharply edited. The background of the included the 15-second man, full contact Croatian, Delta’s makeover, X-Files, Oscar evident in the Arts Faculty. quadrangle also served as reminder that book reviewing, Gen’s secret stalker ego Wilde’s lawyer and more cross dressing this was a university revue and not just and Dr Dolly. The best parts, though, than an Engineering Revue. The Wizard of Arts did have its moments, some random collection of sketches. came in fours: Twilight in four minutes, such as the Poets Anonymous therapy 4D Glasses and the four poets: Soliloquy, Unfortunately the Arts Revue decided to group and Andrew’s Fraser’s phenomenal Laurence Rosier Staines and Otto Wicks- Rhyme, Haiku and (my favourite) pull the same atmosphere that it thrived performance of Mika’s “Happy Green were the two clearly talented Acrostic. on last year in the Downstairs Theatre, Ending”. While there were other notable guitarists who provided the musical only to be let down by the less intimate performers most were upstaged by accompaniment and played intermittently Gilbert, the dotty old Wizard of Arts, environment. Bridie Connell and Fraser who were during the show. While their talent was was probably the high point of the show. undoubtedly the stars of the show. Both clear, it was even more clear that they just Well, that and a somewhat crazy tribute The duelling guitars proved one of the are extremely talented performers and didn’t want to be there as they slumped to Charlton Heston. I can safely say that highlights of the band, but it just didn’t I half expected that during the final in their chairs for the entire show. I have never laughed so hard at a dead feel quite right. number an offstage mignon would present Performing on a platform off the stage, it man. them with large bouquets while declaring, seemed to have escaped their mind that For all its faults, the Arts Revue has made “I’m such a huge fan”. they were on view at all times. In the end, But it wasn’t all amazing. We’ve come to a fantastic opening to the season. Let’s see however, the guitarist’s slouched postures expect great things from an Arts Revue, if Law and Women’s can keep it up! What was most disappointing about the give everything away; The Wizard of Arts not just mediocrity. Most of the sketches show was the total lack of reference to was not a revue to sit up straight for. were much like sex with me – a hearty Tom Clement the Arts Faculty. There was no mention climax in the middle, followed with Monica Connors SCREEN SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD Hannah Lee embraces her inner comic book nerd. Genuine nerds everywhere! Finally a film from his last big breakup, Scott has always masterfully play with genre that embraces videogame-style action, tried to move forward – focusing on his conventions, as seen in Shaun of comic book narration and Michael Cera’s music and dating a high schooler by the the Dead and Hot Fuzz, director awkwardness: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. name of Knives Chau (Ellen Wong) to Edgar Wright does a brilliant From hardcore nerds who have actually keep him happily distracted. But when job at amalgamating the colours, heard of Bryan Lee O’Malley’s original Scott falls for the girl of his dreams, sounds and hyperstylised nature of graphic novels to the clueless viewer Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth video games into a story that reads Michael Cera ... the King of Awkward. seeking an entertaining film,Scott Pilgrim Winstead), there is no way that he can like a fun and addictive graphic novel, vs. The World will manage to charm all move forward without fighting her Seven but feels real and compelling enough to of humour and fun. Despite the fact with its humour and originality as a film Evil Exes who crop up at random times enjoy to the last minute. Michael Cera is that dealing with exes and griping about that is easy to watch and easy to love. to duel with him to the death. And of perfect for the role of Scott Pilgrim as his them seems like a rather juvenile subject course, like all awesome arcade games, innocence and self-obsessed tendencies matter, the playful and imaginative way Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) is a 22-year- Scott can collect coins for his victories and become likeable traits that move beyond in which this universal dilemma is dealt old bass guitarist in an ambitious garage come dangerously close to a Game Over. replicas of his roles in past films, and with makes Scott Pilgrim vs. The World band seeking a record deal. With a history other performances alongside Cera stand several cuts above other flicks that of collecting ex-girlfriends and suffering Famous for his ability to spoof and complement the film’s distinctive sense handle the same idea. STAGE SUDS PRESENTS SINGING MY SISTER DOWN Emily Eskell takes a musical trip to the Cellar Theatre for this very black piece of theatre.

Eleni Schumacher and Stephen Sharpe’s contemporary theatre should really spoken word. The string-laden set was collaborative directorial debut, Singing My be. The audience was met on the grass entrancing, as the audience attentively Sister Down, takes its audience through outside the Cellar Theatre by a parade of watched actors step over and under (and the enduring physical and emotional the singing cast, throwing rose petals and occasionally on) it, making their way expression of love, loss and grief. beating drums. We were then summoned around the great use of space the Cellar Adapted from Margo Lanagan’s short into the theatre to sit on picnic rugs and Theatre offers. Special mention also story “Black Juice”, the collaborative cushions after Ik (Jorja Brain) brutally for unsurprisingly strong performances effort of the entire cast in the creation of killed her husband (Will Haines) with an from SUDS veterans Harriett Gillies, this project is testament to the strength axe (sponge soaked in red ink). Harriett Gordon- Anderson and Nick of the ensemble, both musically and Starte. dramatically. The set and music was the glue that tied this short-but-sweet play together, All-in-all, Singing My Sister Down was But this is one messed up kid’s story. Niall Edwards-Fitzsimons’ stoic Chief a well polished, original and creative Seriously: a girl kills her young groom and accompanied many of the scenes with his collaboration SUDS should be very her family must then sing to her whilst she banjo, along with Dom Mercer on cello proud of, so go see it! There are only slowly drowns in a pit of tar... I’ve never and bongo. Admittedly, it was hugely four more shows! been one for black humour, but really, refreshing to have a theatre experience what was Flanagan thinking? where all the sounds are organically Singing My Sister Down: created. There’s something about Wednesday 18th- Saturday 21st In saying that however, the whole music that connects with you in a very August, Cellar Theatre. experience was pretty great – how different way to something that is purely 9 STAGE GWEN IN PURGATORY SOUNDS ARCADE FIRE Henry Hawthorne spends an eternity at Belvoir St theatre. Jess Stirling is burning it. THE SUBURBS Fear, excitement, anticipation. For me, Gwen’s purgatory is a room of pink eyegouging their uncles one minute, only purchasing Arcade Fire’s newly-released linoleum, plastic kitchen tiles and pristine to connive in selling Gwen’s vintage car follow up to the 2007 masterpiece white gyprock walls. Within her sterile the next. Neon Bible brought with it a deluge of and suburban environment, however, conflicting emotions, flowing through lies a tangle of family dynamics, vividly Certain sequences come dangerously my mind with the level of hesitant depicted by Company B and La Boite close to making the audience feel like they uncertainty I usually reserve for female in a co-production that strips this family are in their own purgatory – sequences comedians, or exercise. Thankfully, drama of any trace of sentimentality. of repetitive punishment before the final such ambivalence was quickly put to curtain – such as the opening ten-minute It looks like cats are driving that car. rest when the first cruisy tones of the The play tracks an afternoon in the life sequence as Gwen attempts seven times and stagnation. Instead the listener is Canadian super group’s leading single of 90-year-old Gwen (Melissa Jaffer) as to rise from her chair and answer the merely taken by the hand and gifted with “The Suburbs” moseyed on out of the she struggles with her relocation from telephone. This didn’t seem to bother a childlike sense of awe and wonder, and speakers. Sigh. This album has all the the family home to a prefabricated the audience, however, whose average invited to look out onto the ordered world Arcady-Fireryness (an awkward word, house in Queanbeyan, on the outskirts retiree age seemed to give them a lighter of a sedate rural street, with a sense that but just go with it) that fans of Neon Bible of Canberra. More difficult than the perspective on these otherwise dire there is definitely something infinitely will be anxious to see revisited, while adjustment of location is the family’s portrayals of ageing. larger and more profound out there. newcomers will almost undoubtedly adjustment to Gwen inevitably shuffling fall straight under the spell of this truly towards the outskirts of her own Despite the geriatric themes of the play, This is truly a ‘concept’ album, a feature remarkable group. existence. Dynamic performances by packed with tongue-in-cheek references to I find more often than not leads a the cast imbue all of the action with a antiquated technologies such as ‘teledexes’ band into the blurry, unchartered and While “The Suburbs” offers a solidly sense of urgency, as Gwen’s son (Grand and ‘cheesebells’, it was disappointing socially awkward world of ‘wankerdom’. catchy first single, the real meat Dodwell), daughter (Sue Ingleton) and to see a lack of students in the audience. Admirably, these kids manage to pull (apologies for the tastelessly visceral grandson (Nathaniel Dean) all make final An exasperated Father Ezekiel (Pacharo off. When presented with the lyrical metaphor) of the album lies in tracks grasps for the ageing woman’s possessions, Mzembe) at one point wonders ‘where and melodic cohesion of this gem of a such as “Month of May”, “Rococo”, attention, love, validation and memories. are all the young people in my parish?!’, record, I find myself at a loss to criticize “City With No Children” and “Half potentially playwright Tommy Murphy’s the overall goal the seven-piece have Light II”, where front man Win Butler The play thrives on presenting call-out for younger blood in the stalls. obviously set out to achieve. The Suburbs really stretches his trademark vocals while uncomfortable, yet typical, situations With absurdly reduced prices for students will take you to the highest of highs to the band delivers the epic, layered sound that arise with the ageing and decreasing at all Belvoir plays, there’s no excuse for the mellowest of mellows and back again. by which they have come to be defined. independence of a family member, missing out. While I can’t guarantee actual euphoria, The claustrophobic subject matter of such as finding a younger relative to act wherever you do end up on the emotional suburban life is present within the lyrics as Gwen’s full-time carer. Just like the Playing at Belvoir St Theatre until 19 spectrum, I can promise that you’re going of every song, carefully balanced by misbehaving air-conditioning of Gwen’s September 2010. *Student Rush: $25 to freaking love the ride that this fantastic spacious, uplifting melodies so that one new house, director Neil Armfield for Tuesday 6.30pm/Saturday 2pm, collection of songs will take you on. is thankfully not left with a Revolutionary manages to oscillate the scenes between available from 10am on the day Road-type sense of suburban entrapment excessively hot or cold: grandsons are The Suburbs is in stores now. Norita BOARD OM NOM NOM MISS CHU OM NOM NOM GAME CAFE Jacinta Mulders rolls up some Vietnamese goodies at this Darlinghurst eatery. Paul Ellis rolls the dice at this Board Game café. Hidden away up a dusty stairwell in what Miss Chu, the proprietress of Vietnamese is known to pretentious people as the hole-in-wall eatery, proudly dubs herself “Spanish Quarter” of the CBD lays the ‘Queen of Rice Paper Rolls.’ Branded quaint and charming Norita Board Game on any other eatery, this statement may Cafe. Specifically, Norita is found on warrant an exasperated dismissal, but Liverpool Street, just off George, a little after tasting a sample of her roast duck way down from Town Hall. and banana flower rice paper rolls, you’ll realise that her sentiment is undoubtedly The Korean venue is an interesting well-founded. hybrid of cafe and games parlour. Patrons can rent a vast array of popular board This one window eatery is inconspicuously games that cost between one for games housed in Darlinghust, just out of the like Jenga and four dollars for bigger blaring headlights of The Cross’ Coke games like Monopoly and Risk per Sign. Despite its slightly inconvenient Rice Paper Rolls ... Translucent Heaven person. The cafe also features several Insert UTS joke here. locale, Miss Chu exudes its own offbeat The spring rolls are thin, crisp and light, large plasma televisions upon which you more elaborate titles like Diplomacy and charm: a mélange of rickety tables and quickly dispelling any expectations of can expect to see being played anything Carcassonne for board game enthusiasts. chairs are clustered in groups along the thick, yellow and oily parcels, and come from Hollywood rom-com to curious These connoisseurs of dice and board footpath, while the front window is framed in flavors including roast duck and shitake animations usually based around the also have something like six different with strings of paper lanterns. Originally and traditional pork Hanoi. The selection staple of male Japanese nerd fantasy versions of Monopoly. operating solely as a catering business, of drinks and desserts complement meals featuring militarised or supernaturally- Miss Chu’s business blossomed when she perfectly, and include offerings of young powerful high-school girls. The latest Norita is a great place to kill time in the opened her window for regular meal times; coconut juice, mint and banana lassis, and K/J-Pop provides the soundtrack to this city playing cards or nostalgia-inducing a decision made largely in response to the taro sticky rice. To top it all off, nothing kooky venue. Disney versions of games like Guess number of people already clamouring at on the menu costs more than $15. Cheap, Who, getting together a group of friends her window for a sample of her Peking clean and absolutely delicious, Miss Chu Open late (midnight most nights), Norita from far apart for a night of strategy and duck pancakes and king prawn spring rolls. is an absolute must. also offers affordable Asian dishes as well betrayal playing Risk or taking an alt/ as an elaborate ice-cream menu. hipster type on a date. Overly competitive Served immaculately in crisp white paper Note: The Queen of Rice Paper Rolls personalities are warned on doing the and cardboard, Miss Chu specializes in is to be treated with respect. To earn The board games are the main appeal of latter: making a fool of someone for their food that’s fresh, clean, and perfectly her good graces, this reviewer suggests this hidden gem though, and the smiley simplistic understanding of structure balanced in flavour. It’s difficult to mention ordering quickly, keeping smoking to a staff seem more than happy for you to sit whilst playing Jenga can derail the most a stand-out because everything just tastes minimum and cleaning up after yourself. and play without ordering anything at all. promising of romances. so good, whether it be the wagyu beef pho, tiger prawn and green mango rice paper Miss Chu is located at 1/150 Bourke The selection of games on offer is strong. Norita Café is located at 2/77 rolls or the shanghai pork buns. St, Darlinghurst All the classics are present, plus some Liverpool St, Sydney. ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO 10 The Usual Suspects www.honisoit.com HONI'STHE GAUNTLETSOUNDTRACK TO . . .. COLLEGE RUNNING THE CITY2SURF Ted Talas fills you in on the score. Warming up outside Cook & the upbeat guitar riff and solid beats The end of first semester heralded the tussle at the breakdown did not fail to Phillip Park: Jet – “Cold Hard Bitch”. of this remix would help me along, near-completion of one of the most disappoint as Wesley took an early and Nic Cester would make a great coach – until I got to the chorus. The original hotly contested Rawson rugby seemingly insurmountable lead. However, whether it be for running, rugby league, song’s chorus goes, “This pain won’t last competitions in years. After two games, Paul’s managed pull back the men whatever. His passionate vocals (read: forever...” but thanks to MSTRKRFT’s John’s, Paul’s, Drew’s and Wesley were all in black, eventually pulling off a screaming) definitely ensured I had krafty cutting the remix ends up sounding tied up on equal points – a situation memorable 36-27 victory. woken up as I anxiously warmed up my like, “This pain will last for two more of parity thankfully unfamiliar to anyone The other game, between John’s and inexperienced running legs. years”. Motivation fail. within the intercol community. Drew’s, presented a decisive moment The race begins: David Guetta ft. The beach in sight: Journey – “Don’t After a break filled with team bonding in the race to the Rawson Cup. If John’s Kid Cudi – “Memories”. At the risk Stop Believin’” (no, not the Glee version sessions anywhere from the Greek Isles were to triumph, defending champions St of sounding über-cheesy, the feel-good thank you very much). As I zoomed past, to the Cowra Races, players from all Paul’s would go close to grabbing a share community spirit, the glorious sunshine I didn’t even bother to slow down and colleges returned fired up to get at least of the overall lead with Drew’s. However, and the sheer mass of positive people check if the girls had noticed my heroic one hand on the fabled Rawson rugby in another exciting match, the class of the really won me over as I started the race. display of supreme athleticism. I was trophy. The action of last semester St Andrew’s backline proved too much for John’s who were looking to repeat their Guetta & Cudi promptly piped up to bounding through the sea of runners and would see the final two games turn into giant-killing efforts from last semester. The deliver the fatal blows to my walls of nothing could stop neither me nor the two grand finals with the winner of each final score ended up at 27-16. cynicism with their sentimental dance believin’. sharing the trophy for 2010. floor anthem. ...or so he thought: Lady Gaga – “Just The first game, between Wesley and As it stands at the halfway point of the First stretch: The Roots – “Don’t Say Dance”. What I thought was the finish Paul’s, was a much-hyped rematch competition, Drew’s have retained Nuthin’”. This was the part of the race line was actually the bend in the road just of last year’s final. Played on the John’s their Rawson lead with a total of 17 points, where I looked the most convincing. before the finish line. So I pathetically oval, which would be more aptly closely followed by Paul’s on 12. Wesley and John’s both continue to battle Aided by a decent reserve of anaerobic semi-jogged the home stretch, my legs on described as a wet patch of dirt, the game in arrears on 3.5 points each. energy, empowering black music and the the verge of disintegrating and my lungs presented an opportunity for the blessings of the dancing Hare Krishnas at mostly dissolved. Lady Gaga’s lyrics aptly two strongest forward packs in the William Street, I felt a sense of elation as captured my feelings, going something competition to go head-to-head. The I surged majestically past people who, to like, “I’ve had a little bit too much/ All be honest, really weren’t trying. of the people start to rush ... [something People who are allergic to peanuts are something] I can’t see straight anymore,” five times less likely to like elephants. Up Heartbreak Hill: Bloc Party until they got to the chorus, at which FACT! – “Two More Years (MSTRKRFT point I turned the music player off, and The average person, in their lifetime, There are more words in the full remix)”. As I began the ascent up That collapsed. consumes five candles worth of wax Australian anthem than people in Hill (whose name at this stage sounded Dhruv Nagrath that has dripped onto birthday cakes. Sydney. more ominous than romantic), I thought

Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney Want some work! Wanderlust Nicole Buskiewicz perfects the art of patience in Egypt.

Sitting stiff-backed for the fifth hour on Polling Booth a decrepit wooden bench, bathing in my own sweat – and soon probably in my own tears – I contemplate whether I Attendants mistakenly took the bus to the detention centre, not the border crossing. Burqa-clad women and their families Required surround me, while their children chase a half-deflated soccer ball, eyeing me at every opportunity. Nearby, a stray The SRC is looking for about 20 cat watches me solemnly from a pile of discarded chip packets; even the bony Nicole’s travelling buddy attempting a wet-wipe people to work on the polling animal can’t help but stare at the lone shower in Nuweiba passenger terminal dishevelled foreigner. Lonely Planet suggests (and I quote) “use booths for its elections this year. locals as human shields”. An ethically This over-cramped tin shed-come- objectionable proposition, sure, but it sauna is an international ferry passenger works a treat. If you can work on terminal from which a boat will allegedly take me from this, Egypt’s own version of Wed 22nd Sept and/or Thurs 23rd Sept, There are 18 million people living in Curtin, to Jordan. and attend a training at 4pm Tues 22nd Sept, Cairo, and only one post-box. In July, the temperature averages 35 degrees Celsius, I say “allegedly” because despite its we want to hear from you! while the chances of getting air-con in grandiose Pharaonic sites, ceaseless your bus/dorm are about as likely as natural beauty and laid-back culture, Charlie Sheen’s rehabilitation. And food $19.99 per hour travelling in this country is about as easy poisoning is not a possibility; it’s as real as as traversing the desert on a segway. There may also be an opportunity to undertake the entry stamp in your passport. A good case in point is the act of crossing additional work at the vote count the road, an experience not unlike calling Application forms are available from the SRC Front Office So on my last day in Egypt, as I sit on a poker bluff. The basic premise involves (Level 1 Wentworth Building). this bench watching a small child relieve walking into oncoming traffic and staring For more info, call 9660 5222 or email [email protected]. himself worryingly close to the 80-litre defiantly into the eyes of drivers of Applications close 5pm, 6th September 2010 Kathmandu Sophie loaned me (all vehicles that don’t even pretend to be good Soph – it’s waterproof), I neither roadworthy. Hesitating is a big no-no: cry nor complain. Instead, I mentally at best you’ll be stranded at the curb for congratulate myself on making it hours, at worst you won’t make it across through one of the most challenging but without some grievous bodily harm. Authorised by Paulene Graham, SRC Electoral Officer 2010. rewarding corners of the world. Students’ Representative Council, The University of Sydney Phone: 9660 5222 www.src.usyd.edu.au To enhance chances of survival, the ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO 11 Why the Sex Pirate Party is overdue STOP SAYING THAT candidates should be evaluated on their policies and intellect and not their tips Henry Hawthorne could be onto something here. YOU'RE EMBARRASSING on the 8:10 at Wentworth Park Dogs. Among the many arguments for and required that a list of at least 500 non- YOURSELF: A prodigious ability to land features on against the existence of small political fictional party members be provided to Where’s The Gold is not tantamount to parties, the most neglected is that they the Australian Electoral Commission I WANT A PRIME MINISTER I a sound fiscal policy platform and just provide a much-needed dash of colour, if before registration. Casualties have CAN HAVE A BEER WITH because they hold your head back when not insanity, to the otherwise whitewashed included the Lower Excise on Fuel you chunder doesn’t necessarily mean canvas of mainstream Australian politics. and Beer Party (no points for policy they’ll increase Medicare benefits. I want What you Say: guessing), the What Women Want Party our Prime Minister to be a paragon of “Iwannapri-priminishhhturIcanavabeee I speak of parties whose names actively (many points for policy guessing) and the intelligence, not an “intellectual nobody” eeerwivvvvvvvv,” or something even less refrain from describing any high and HEMP Party, whose secretary Graham as Paul Keating recently described Tony intelligible to that effect. abstract ideological objective, and instead Askey rightly bemoaned that they were Abbott. isolate a single object, hobby or perhaps being denied “democratic rights as an Why You Say It: weekend interest: the Building Australia association to contest elections”. Other Why You Need To Stop Saying It: Apart from a considerable amount of Party advocates the right to build a house; parties were forced to amalgamate, such As the hoary old adage goes, be careful glazed-eyed nostalgia for Old Yard-Glass the HEMP Party’s sole policy is to Help as the Shooters Party and Fishers Party, what you wish for. You just might get Hawkie, this sentiment forms part of the End Marijuana Prohibition and devise whose members realised they were not so it. In 2008 Messrs Rees and O’Farrell school of thought that one’s character mnemonics for remembering party different after all. conducted a “politics in the pub” should be judged on how well they can objectives; the Shooters and Fishers Party debate on a range of pertinent issue. smash schooies, regurgitate a vintage champions the rights of Which brings me to my sole proposition: More cringe-worthy open-mic night batch of Nobby’s Nuts and generally fishers and shooters, not necessarily in that the Sex Party and Pirate Party than the barrel of laughs our barside shoot the proverbial zephyr. Perhaps it’s that order. similarly join in a holy (but secular) commentators hoped for, the fight also got something to do with advertising. union. There are many reasons. The Sex for governance in NSW was the last Australia has a hard earned reputation These small parties, so singular in their Party, despite being launched at the 2008 Premiership on everyone’s minds. Keep for producing the fair dinkum best beer purposes, policies, and probably voting Melbourne Sexpo and its title containing the pollies out of the ads in the world, whilst our political ads figures, are, regretfully, an endangered the S-word, in fact has many sound and pub. They’re bad use the same three colours, two sound species. A population boom for political progressive policies of which much of the enough in Question effects and one deep foreboding voice. microbes in the 1999 NSW election electorate is left unaware, repelled by the Time. Australians long for the next “Big Ad”, meant the ballot paper was the size of party’s raunchy title. Interestingly, one but all they get are the same old Labor a tablecloth. At the same time, small of their substantial policies is to overturn Joe Smith-Davies lemons. parties began to be used as a loophole mandatory ISP filtering. This, in turn,

to get preference flows to particular is the raison d’être for the Pirate Party, an Why It’s Wrong: candidates, such as NSW MLC David Australian incarnation of a Swedish It seems pretty obvious, but political Oldfield and One Nation colleague David group aimed at countering online Ettridge, who established the No GST censorship. The former party, whose and No Nuclear Waste parties to send message is obscured by its debauched preferences to One Nation. public image, and the latter party, having fallen foul of the AEC’s registration red- Beyond the Boats The election was both the crowning tape, would do well to join and conquer. Monica Connors joins the asylum debate. and demise for small parties: new laws Did I also mention that it would be called the Sex Pirate Party? For a country created through policies concerning asylum seekers, immigration, Australia is wholly fearful with both wanting to set up an offshore STUFF USYD #13 BEING IN THE of asylum seekers. Counting down to processing centre. The Liberal party, if Q&A AUDIENCE this year’s election, asylum seekers have elected, plans to re-open the Howard- STUDENTS LIKE polled as a major concern for many voters era Nauru centre while Labor hopes to There are a few things that make being and the major and minor parties alike open a centre in East Timor. The idea part of the Q&A audience one of the have used fears about this issue in their behind these centers is that most asylum favourite ways a USyd student can spend campaigns. In a speech last month, Labor seekers would have less incentive to travel their Monday night. leader Julia Gillard spoke right to public to Australia given that they will have sentiment when she said that refugees to spend time in Nauru or Timor for USyd students often enjoy feeling part should not get an “inside track to special processing. of a small elite of engaged and informed privileges”, and Liberal leader Tony citizens who care about the real issues, #qanda #clusterfuck Abbott has pledged to “stop the boats” as Either of these options would continue Australia’s shameful history in our and the only thing better than learning Preparation is essential. After messaging part of his election campaign. treatment of asylum seekers, which has is teaching others how it’s done. What parents and friends for the umpteenth included razor wire, children in detention, the public needs are more insightful and time to ensure they are tuning in, you In my view, much of the public’s riots, incidents of self-harm, suicide, the intelligent people like you who aren’t push your way through the doors to join anger grows from a belief that asylum Tampa controversy and various human afraid to confront our leaders with the the chattering bunch of MECO/ Govt seekers are stealing Australian jobs, rights violations. hard-hitting questions – that is if you students (and some random old people) in government benefits and land. Rather bothered to respond to the attendance the ABC lobby. than considering the fear, grief, loss and email and your question made the that invariably prompts an asylum seeker Both Gillard and Abbott are eager to be viewed as the better candidate to “keep shortlist. Sure there are some audiences From the strategic frowns and nods to make the arduous decision to leave our borders secure and our country safe”, you want to be part of more than others, whilst in the audience to the post-show their home and family, the issue is often but their methods don’t match their but a dud panel just means more time to comparisons of ‘OMG! WAVE- WE discussed by Australians as if asylum mission. Gillard’s statements have been swoon over charismatic moderator Tony CAN SEE YOU!’ text messages received, seekers have a range of attractive options alarmingly unsympathetic: she stated in Jones. Maybe if you stare at him long competition is integral to the audience to pick from. It seems our anthem’s lyrics, July, I “understand that there’s nothing enough something will rub off – or he’ll experience. Most participants will also “For those who’ve come across the seas, humanitarian about people being on give you a job. watch the whole show as soon as it is we’ve boundless plains to share,” no boats and potentiality being at risk of uploaded the next day to see whether or longer ring true. losing their lives at sea.” Narcissism is also an integral part of the not they were pictured. If you were lucky Q&A audience experience since the only enough to get a close up, you can always Contrary to popular opinion, people who Under a Coalition government, there thing that could make discussions about screenshot and profile pic it later. Classy. arrive on Australia’s shores without visas population more attractive would be or any kind of documentation are legally would be a “presumption against” people who arrived in Australia to claim asylum your involvement in the debate. Then And hey, if you don’t get an invite next allowed to do so. As asylum seekers, with identification papers. Abbott, there’s the chance to deliver an opinion week you could always join the twitterati meaning people who make a claim for however, has been unable to say how even more biting than the #qanda tweets – surely the producers knows a quality refuge in another country, they have legal he will distinguish between genuine that dance around the screen of home tweet when they see one. status in international law. Despite these viewers. Sure, your name might not facts, commentators often claim that the asylum seekers who often flee without such papers and those who might have be as catchy as ‘l84ad8’, but you have You can take that as a “problem” of asylum seekers has been destroyed them intentionally. The Liberal pre-rehearsed your question at least nine comment. plaguing Canberra for many years. times (three in front of a mirror) and policy also includes turning back boats “when circumstances permit”. you straightened your hair- watch out. Carmen Culina The two major parties have similar ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION 12 The Mains

In response to a serious decline in party membership across the political spectrum, party leaders are endea- vouring to recapture the public’s imagination. Robert Chiarella chronicles the parties’ most recent innovation The Life of in re-engaging electors.

The difficulty for the Nationals is that in the primary could well end up the Parties they explicitly market themselves as a campaigning for the candidates at the regional interest party but participate in general election and perhaps even being politics as a junior partner in a broader drawn into membership. Preselection and conservative coalition. As such, their MPs, especially those on the front bench, Perhaps it’s the latter issue that explains have responsibilities that go well beyond why parties feel the need to use Primaries in the representing their local constituents and primaries. Since goodness knows when, may even be in tension with that goal. party membership in Australia has been Independents generally do not face such in serial decline, along with membership Sunburnt Country pressures, and thus it is easier for them to of trade unions, churches, sporting clubs, adopt a populist, local political identity. and all sorts of community groups. This he preselection of candidates for an upper house MP, whilst the other two trend is sometimes lamented as being Tlower house seats in Australia is candidates, Daniel Mulino and Jamie The Nationals lack a coherent response symptomatic of the atomisation of usually a low-key affair. Except in the Byron, had worked as advisors to Steve to these challenges. In South Australia, social life, although perhaps it is more rare cases of high profile candidates or Bracks and Anna Bligh, respectively. a Nationals MP held a spot in a Labor accurately seen as a reconfiguration of major ideological clashes (Bob Hawke cabinet. In Western Australia, the party the way individuals engage with the and Gerry Hand’s battle for Wills), or A somewhat more ambitious primary once presented itself as an “independent public sphere. Groups such as GetUp! candidates who go off the reservation was held by the Nationals for the state conservative” crossbench group, and now allow people to engage with politics in (Belinda Neal), they rarely make the seat of Tamworth on 26 June. This time, supports the current Liberal government a much more informal matter, with far front page. Mostly they are decided by anyone on the local electoral role was but without traditional collective cabinet lower barriers to entry and far greater a few dozen senior party members in an eligible to vote, regardless of their party responsibility. In Queensland, they have flexibility over one’s level of commitment RSL over stale biscuits and flat beer, with affiliation – what in the US would be merged with the Liberals at a state level than is the norm with traditional party the looming possibility of a directive called an ‘open primary’. 4,293 voters but not at a federal level, where their membership. from head office making the whole thing turned up – about nine per cent of the most high profile MP is Barnaby Joyce, irrelevant. seat’s enrolment, making it the largest who has an approach to frontbench As such, it makes sense for parties to solidarity that is almost as unique as his look beyond their shrinking membership The large turnout at the primary suggests that the approach to accounting. when making decisions: even if you want preselections to be decided only party is successfully reaching out to more voters an It may be that the NSW party is using by individuals sympathetic to a party, earlier stage of the political cycle. It has boosted the the trial primary as a way of reversing most of those individuals are not actually this trend towards reduced rural support. members. profile of the campaign and ensured earlier and wider The large turnout at the primary exposure of its candidate. suggests that the party is successfully Not all experiences of ‘primary’ style reaching out to more voters at an campaigns in Australia have been It’s a stark contrast to the US, where preselection in Australia’s history. Local earlier stage of the political cycle. It has positive, however. The Australian the public are directly involved in businessman Kevin Anderson won the boosted the profile of the campaign and Democrats, for example, chose their nominating candidates in long, highly vote against three other candidates, ensured earlier and wider exposure of parliamentary leader (as opposed to just visible primary elections – a format that including James Treloar, the local mayor. its candidate. It has, perhaps, attracted individual candidates) through a direct may be coming to Australia. the support of voters and potential vote of their members. Such was their Politics and the Parish Pump campaigners earlier on too. Perhaps commitment to internal democracy that Primaries in Australia more importantly, by opening up its even when there was only one candidate, It is telling that Anderson will face sitting preselection to outside voters, the party they still had to stand for election. The The first real primary in recent independent Peter Draper at the election may be attempting to engage the local process tended to take a long time and Australian history was Labor’s in March next year. For some time, the population and seem more in touch meant heavy use was made of acting preselection for the Victorian state seat Nationals have found their hold on many with their needs, much like the rural leaders, a situation that left the party of Kilsyth in Melbourne’s outer east, blue-ribbon seats broken by popular independents. struggling for stability in its dying currently held by Liberal MP David independents, especially in NSW. At days. Whilst this was not technically a Hodgett by just 185 votes. Registration a Federal level, all three independent Parties on the Slide: the Imperative ‘primary’, it was perhaps the longest for the primary required voters to MPs – Bob Katter, Rob Oakeshott and for Primaries standing use of this kind of voting declare that they were Labor supporters Tony Windsor – have previously been system by a significant party in Australia. (though not necessarily members) who members of the National Party, and hold Most observers of both primaries seem intended to vote for the party at the seats in traditional party territory. These to regard them as having been positive Not that the directors of either major are next election and were not members independents have been able to shape experiences. They may well prove likely to fear a similar outcome. of any other party. It is difficult to see and take advantage of a perception of beneficial to the parties: participants how these conditions were enforced, but the Nationals as being too close to the nevertheless 260 voters registered for the Liberals and inattentive to the needs of primary, held on 18 and 19 April. their local areas.

Surprisingly, the result was not a surprise – Vicky Setches, the winning candidate, was believed to have the most support amongst actual ALP members in the seat. Nor was the composition of the field – Setches is an electorate officer to ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION 13

Every election has its share of broken promises and bare- faced lies. But, as Pat Bateman discovers, in this election it’s not the politicians we should be worried about – it’s Election 2010: the pundits. Time to debunk the five biggest lies in this election campaign. The Five tto von Bismarck, Germany’s because they poll so badly that the party OIron Chancellor, once wrote brands are here to stay. that “people never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before Lie #2: Organised factions are an election.” Otto would feel right at losing their influence home here in Australia because there’s Biggest Lies been no shortage of untruths, broken It seemed like the dawning of a new promises and weasel words during this day when Kevin Rudd, a man without election. There’s also been no shortage a faction, assumed the leadership of Lie #5: Here come the Greens and of scrutiny: the media is relentless in its the ALP. When he announced on The Lie #4: Campaigning is becoming there go the Nats! quest to produce politicians with their 7.30 Report that he would be choosing more professional pants down. his Cabinet independently of caucus, it There is something terribly sad about the seemed too good to be true. A chorus One of the more popular pundits that insist this time the Greens But what about the journos, the line of ALP insiders told us that a new misconceptions about our parties is that will storm into power. They’re up there commentators and the academics? What era had arrived: the factions didn’t campaigning has somehow become more with the Branch Davidians and those about all those casual experts that have matter anymore and the party was professional and more poll-driven in Socialist Alternative folk for blind faith in clambered down from their lofty heights growing up. recent years. It’s an argument that was the imminent reckoning. Will the Greens in the blogosphere to bemoan the state actually first developed in the 1980s by do well in this year’s election? Yes, if the of politics? As turgid as it’s been at times, The problem with the factions is their largely transatlantic political theorists, polls are anything to go by. They might this election reveals that what we often capacity to constantly rearrange their and which quickly struck a chord with us even pick up Melbourne if Adam Bandt take for Gospel from these pundits is internal structure: today a well-defined ever-cynical Australians. We passionately can maintain his momentum. about as tired and unsophisticated as a ideological unit, tomorrow a loose believe the problem is getting worse: budgie smuggler joke. network based around personality. They the coverage of this election has been But the problem for the Greens, as it was will exist as long as there are spoils to Lie #1: Australian politics is be distributed via tightly controlled The last time a country was so divided between its becoming more ‘presidential’ preselection and delegate-based Conferences. Rudd learned the hard north and south, a lot of mustachioed Americans We hear the same thing every election: way when factional power-brokers Mark went to war with each other. parties are more interested in selling Arbib, Bill Shorten, David Feeney and their leader than their policies and so- Don Farrell mobilised the National Right dominated by scathing criticism of stage- back then, is the ceiling on their primary called ‘personality’ is the only thing that to topple him. The lesson hasn’t been managed campaigns, poll-driven policy vote. The Greens “brand” is in many matters now. It’s an argument that has lost on voters. and crass electioneering. ways more rigid than that of the major found its way into almost every news parties, an irony for a party that still report, article and opinion piece covering Lie #3: The states are losing their But the difficulty with this thesis, aside purports to be the new kid on the block. this election. And it’s complete bollocks. relevance from its frequent degeneration into And even if there is a surge in support outright conspiracy theory, is that it for the Greens, it’s not going to happen If politics in this country was becoming As recently as April this year, both The struggles to mount any credible reason in the seats that matter any time soon. more presidential, you’d expect to Sydney Morning Herald and The Australian for why politics is apparently changing so see a clear correlation between the ran headlines screaming that the end much. Some commentators, like former The Nationals aren’t worried about polling on preferred Prime Minister was nigh for the states after a Griffith ALP luminary Rodney Cavalier, claim whether they’ll hit a voter ceiling so and two-party preferred. But it’s just University study revealed that 4 in 10 that the parties turned to spin doctors much as whether they have a floor. Yes, not there. Julia Gillard has consistently voters supported the abolition of state and pollsters when their rank-and-file it’s true, the Nationals’ share of the maintained a healthy lead over Tony governments. At the time it appeared membership dried up. primary vote is considerably lower than Abbott in the preferred Prime Minister to confirm what a number of political it was two decades ago. But as Barnaby stakes (outside of Queensland) while theorists, constitutional lawyers and However, the number of Australians Joyce correctly observed on Lateline the ALP remains neck-and-neck with media commentators had been saying willing to join a political party has last week, people have been saying the the Coalition on two-party preferred. In for decades: Australians don’t self- remained relatively constant over the last National Party is “about to disappear” fact, it’s hard to find any recent election identify by state residency. two decades. Even during the 1940s and since 1922. They’re still here, and where the preferred Prime Minister was 1950s, the putative halcyon days of mass judging by their primary vote plateau a meaningful indicator of the result. And yet the 2010 election has revealed party membership, less than five per cent over the last decade, it looks like they’ve Hewson’s personal lead throughout a palpable and consistent divergence of the Australian population were party hit the floor. most of the campaign still failed to get in party support among the States. All members. the Coalition over the line in 1993, the polling suggests that the Coalition is Conclusion while Keating enjoyed the same Pyrrhic maintaining a strong lead on two-party When you look a little closer at how the victory in 1996. preferred support in Western Australia, parties are campaigning in this election, Peter Ustinov once explained that the Queensland and New South Wales you’ll see that nothing much has reason he didn’t become a politician Of course, it’s true that both parties are while the ALP retains a tight grip over changed. The campaigns have offered was that he didn’t think he could bear bending over backwards to not look like Victoria, South Australia and Tasmania. the same smattering of amateurism, the strain of having to be right all the parties. The ALP doesn’t even mention misjudgment and disorganisation. time. The pundits face a similar pressure the word ‘party’ on its website – quite a The schism has as much to do with Gillard’s ‘Citizens Assembly’ and ‘Real from both their audience and peers so feat given the small problem of its name! the popularity of respective state Gillard’ foray were profoundly stupid. perhaps it’s understandable that so many But what all the pundits forget is that governments as any economic or A well-oiled party machine would never cling to the safety of collective wisdom, the very reason the parties want to don demographic differences, but the end have picked a candidate like David even when it begins to wear thin. But the sheep’s clothing is the same reason result is the same: the states still matter. Barker – but the Liberals did. Damaging when we wake on Sunday 22 August, they’re so keen to ‘out’ their opposition. The last time a country was so divided leaks, disastrous interviews and more the supposed ‘experts’ will be all set to Tony Abbott won’t let you forget the between its north and south, a lot of than a few loony candidates – if this is explain what went down and why, with “faceless men” behind Gillard because mustachioed Americans went to war professional politics, I’d hate to see what all the conviction of a politician. I, and he knows it polls well. And she’ll return with each other. Am I suggesting the amateurism looks like. perhaps you Dear Reader, will take it the favour by running online ads of an same thing might happen here? Well, no. with a grain of salt. “all together freaky Abbott Family”. It’s ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION 14 The Soapbox www.honisoit.com The Best of the Ballots: Voting in Oz Chat with a Amid the shame you may feel due to our political parties, you can be proud of at least one thing: the Australian electoral system. David Mack spoke with Sydney Uni Law Professor, and constitutional expert, Anne Twomey about the highlights of voting in Australia. Working Family

Would you describe the Australian my opinion, there should be optional argue that system of voting unique or preferential voting so that voters should “voting” is not exemplary compared to other not be obliged to give preferences to compulsory – nations’ systems? candidates they reject. rather it is only compulsory to The administration of Australia’s voting There are many advantages in a system turn up at the system is among the best in the world. of compulsory voting. Most people who polling booth We see the debacles in the United would not otherwise bother voting, do and get your States with ‘hanging chads’ and in the turn their minds to the issues and the name crossed United Kingdom with huge queues of candidates because they have to turn off. Technically, voters who were unable to get into a up to the polling station anyway so I don’t think Want to hear a scoop? I know who’ll win polling station to vote at the most recent they may as well make their vote count. this is true. the election. I found out by ringing two friends – let’s call them Working Australian election, with some polling booths even Very few choose to vote informally. Some kind Dad and Working Australian Mum – to ask running out of ballots. The reason is That means we have a more politically of “voting” Can you taste that liberty? (query whether how they’re voting. WAD and WAM are partly the fact that we have compulsory engaged electorate than many other my non-random yet representative sample. the vote needs to be formal) is legally voting and compulsory enrolment on countries. Secondly, the electorate is not They’re swinging voters who lean to the electoral rolls. This means we have a quite as vulnerable to the effects of big required, but is not enforced unless your right, reflecting Australia’s centre-right much better idea of who needs to vote money. Parties don’t have to spend huge name is not marked off the roll. character. Based on how WAD and WAM and where they are situated, and we have amounts on ‘getting out the vote’ and it voted in the last three elections, both must much better planning and mechanisms is harder for well-financed single-issue What are the advantages and vote Liberal for the Coalition to win. (such as postal voting and mobile polling groups to dominate the political agenda. disadvantages of the preferential Let me explain. In 2001 they voted for stations) to ensure everyone can vote. Thirdly, as everyone votes under a voting system we use? Howard. They did the same in 2004 – with system of compulsory voting, politicians This is a big issue in the United a then-pregnant WAM saying, “I voted Australia has also been at the forefront cannot neglect or oppress sectors of the for Howard because of national security. Kingdom at the moment, where the of electoral innovation – particularly in population on the basis that they will I just felt safer.” In 2007 WAD agonised the late nineteenth and early twentieth never come out and vote. Liberal Democrats required that a before supporting Howard. But so close centuries. The secret ballot was an referendum be held on moving from had he come to voting against him that he Australian innovation and is still known As to whether it is compulsory to ‘vote’ first-past-the-post to preferential voting was “happy” when Rudd won. Meanwhile in the rest of the world as ‘the Australian or just turn up at the polling station – as part of their coalition deal with WAM swung to Rudd. ballot’. Australia was one of the first this is quite a tricky question. Section the Conservatives. The advantage of I learnt the 2010 election result on the day countries to allow voting for women and 245 of the Commonwealth Electoral Act preferential voting is that the entry of Gillard announced the election date. Over a broader franchise. Many Australian is rather unclear. It says that it is the a third party with a similar political ideology to one of the two main parties the phone, WAM said she was voting for innovations have been followed overseas. “duty” of each elector “to vote” at each Gillard. “I quite like her. She’s decisive. does not result in splitting the vote, election. It requires the Commissioner Has as much balls as the boys but has How unique, and how democratic, to compile a list of people whose names with the consequence that both parties a softer side as well.” She called out to is compulsory voting? Is ‘voting’ were not marked off the roll at an with similar ideologies lose, as it does WAD – who for once wasn’t at work – to compulsory or just attendance at election and to send them a “penalty under first-past-the-post. Preferential ask who’d get his vote. the polling station? notice” which states that “it is an offence voting allows the most preferred “Gillard,” he said from the couch, “Give to fail to vote at an election without candidate to win and permits a larger the ranga a run.” “Why’s he voting for Gillard?” I asked. Compulsory voting is pretty rare in the a valid and sufficient reason for the number of parties. It is also better WAM covered the receiver while she rest of the world and often regarded failure”. However, the penalty notices than proportional voting, at least in a lower House, because it still supports shouted to the couch. as ‘undemocratic’. I don’t believe that are only sent to those who did not get “Give the ranga a run,” he repeated. it is undemocratic. It is reasonable for their names marked off – not to those stable governments, rather than citizens to be subject to a duty to exercise who did not “vote” (such as people who perpetual minority governments (see WAM and I talked about the gender a choice, but in doing so they should did not put a ballot paper in the ballot New Zealand), and can work in single- issue. She said it was irrelevant. But as not be forced to give a vote to someone box). The difficulty is that there seems member electorates. It is, in my view, the the days passed she kept thinking about of whom they disapprove. Accordingly, to be a difference between enforcement best compromise system between the two her five-year-old daughter’s comment voters should be permitted to exercise (because of the secret ballot) and legal extremes. after kindergarten on the day Gillard took charge. “We have our first girl Prime the choice to vote informally and, in obligation. This is why many people Minister,” she said.

Being a swing voter conditions. If you insist on hanging WAM began to think it might be good around extremist whackjobs, ensure both for her daughter to see a woman in power and for her nearly-four-year-old your political posturing is balanced by The Situation son to grow up realising women could be your actions. You may be identified as Let’s be honest. You’re entrenched. correlates with federal handouts. You leaders too. WAM’s support for Gillard You’re partisan. Whether it’s the have active license to pass yourself off technically a centrist if you’re caught firmed. shocking room service in your detention as economically literate. Prepare by smoking pot at a Fascist Party rally. cell or Mark Latham’s refusal to ease learning how to pronounce ‘Garnaut’. The other day WAM explained to her the squeeze on your hand, you’ve got a Result? kids how the Prime Minister was there decent idea of what each party offers Pretend you watched the debate. Congratulations! You’re now a temporarily and soon everyone would you. But we all know it’s in vogue not to. Comment on Julia’s ockerer-than-usual disenchanted swing voter in a vote to decide if she stayed. WAM’s explanation included the ranga comment accent, how the camera adds three compulsory voting system. Your total that she often quoted. At this, her son inches to Abbott’s ear diameter and the contempt for the privilege of living in a What to do threw his hands up, rolled his eyes and liberal democratic state makes you the Exclude political adjectives from your worm’s curious rise every time “queue head and said, “Give me a break about everyday language. “(Party of your jumpers” or “my daughters are still most valuable commodity in said state. the ranga. Please!” choice) are fuckwits” is preferred to virgins” gets mentioned. Political scientists rue your involvement “(Party of your choice) are a bunch of in the political process while the entire WAD’s ranga comment may hold the key frothing, fascist/communist, racist/ Hang around minor parties. The one joy political spectrum focuses its full powers to the election. Because wanting to give bleeding-heart plutocrats/union-hacks of preference voting is knowing ALP and of seduction on you. Proceed to die a a new PM a “run” or a “go” may be why who also happen to be fuckwits”. Liberal henchmen will try to woo you little inside when you vote Labor like first-term governments are hard to defeat – as if voting them out so soon isn’t fair. with non-core promises. Care is advised: you always do and they eventually lose courting certain parties will convince government for neglecting real swing Mention the economy. Ben Chifley I don’t need Newspoll, Nielsen or voters. You emotionally needy prick. opined that the most sensitive nerve these pussyfooting populists that you’re Centrebet to tell me who’ll win the in the human body was the one beyond help. No Liberal agent will election. I just need WAD and WAM to under the hip pocket. You must be no approach a Socialist stall, mainly for fear Optional give me their verdict. They’re voting for different. Naturally, people might make of being bored to death. Labor stooges Show 80,000 friends this guide, and your Gillard and therefore so is the country. You assumptions based on your mining avoid KKK stalls as burning crosses are electorate might score some decent pork. heard it here first. portfolio or whether your credit history a major fire hazard in current drought Tim Whelan Rob Ashton ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION 1519 Guide to COUNTDOWN Best political slogans Joe Smith-Davies The Greens Hasta la victoria siempre 5 David Mulligan eats his Greens. Although communist revolutionary/t-shirt stencil model Che’s famous sign-off (which roughly means “Keep fighting until victory”) has lost some of its lustre due to Dissatisfaction with the major parties the ubiquity of Guevara’s hirsuite visage, it rolls off the tongue with incredible chutzpah. has been a big element of this election. Voters are still hesitant to vote for a PM who ousted a cute teddy bear look-a- like, but aren’t too comfortable with the Speedo-clad clergy-dropout alternative. We Polked you in ‘44, We shall Pierce you in ‘52 4 For those indie enough to vote below This piece of plosive phrasing was deployed in the Presidential campaign of 1852 the line, the Greens, with their Captain of Franklin Pierce and exemplifies the most personal type of slogan: word-play on the Planet-inspired leader Bob Brown, are candidate’s name. Close second in this category was the not at all beverage-related becoming a viable alternative. “Keep Cool with Coolidge” but puncture-wounds won out in the end. The Greens, once the homeland of the tree-hugging lunatic fringe, have sobered up, cut off their dreadlocks It’s Time 3 and settled down in recent years. As Like Mark Latham, Gough’s favourite two words tower head, shoulders and both major parties dash to the centre, intimidating hands(hakes) over the current fleet of feeble platitudes wheeled out by this the Greens have come to represent the year’s contenders. Unlike Mark Latham, “It’s Time” captured the mood of the nation left of Australian Politics. Polling at a height of 16 per cent, many suspect that in its time and propelled its party to a historic election victory. this election could give the Greens the balance of power in the Senate, needing just one in ten Labor voters to turn Never had it so good 2 Green. The 1957 campaign slogan of Harold MacMillan, the leader of the Tories, is not too bad in itself, if a little Yank-inflected to be properly British. It makes this list for the Gone are the days of the Greens being a truly brilliant Labour Party riposte to MacMillan’s assumption: Never been had so single-issue environmental party. They’re good. often criticised for having some pretty out there ideas like addressing climate change and accepting the few asylum seekers who survive fleeing persecution. Where’s The Beef ? 1 They support a Bill of Rights, an Starting life in an ad for globo grease-mongers Wendy’s, “WTB?” gained political increase in foreign aid, funding for immortality in the 1984 US presidential primaries when Democratic candidate Victor development of renewable energy, 40 Mondale questioned the substance of rival Gary Hart’s policies. Suitable for every per cent reduction in Greenhouse gases palette, “WTB?” was simple, combative and vernacular-friendly. A rare slogan indeed. by 2020 and legislation to lower the voting age to 16 (a measure that would surely see the Australian Sex Party come to government). However, retaining that truly Greens’ approach to life, most of Consistency is all we ask from our Pollies these ideas are general, unsubstantiated Oliver Burton thinks politicians should make up their flipping minds. and under-developed aspirations that market based solutions wherever The modern conservative is a wily beast. Only Tone’s taken it to a whole new haven’t been fully fleshed out and possible. Except in dealing with climate Not just because they’ll say anything to level. Not only does he grasp desperately resemble more the rantings of a first year change, where he favours up to $1 billion get elected. Not just because they can’t at this rationally impossible dichotomy, Arts student explaining how the world a year in direct government investment be safely confined to a single party you but he can’t even keep that much should change and people should just in targeted programs like “planting can ward off with a sprig of garlic and straight. Taking his social conservatism love each other. trees”. That fits about as well with the a Che Guevara t-shirt. No, the modern as read, his other election policies are aim of cutting bureaucracy as Peter conservative is in fact so wily that they an irreconcilable collection of economic The Greens can also be a little one- Garrett fits through doorways. don’t even know who they are anymore. eclecticism the likes of which we haven’t minded some times. They still oppose Like a broken tumble-dryer, they’ve spun seen since Mikhail Gorbachev’s Pizza nuclear power for fear that fish will begin Of course the other lot aren’t much themselves wet and washed themselves Hut commercial. to grow three eyes, and they still think better, attempting to defend a record dry. What I mean to say is that Tony genetically modified food will lead to that had “lost its way”, spending billions Abbott’s Liberals advocate an ideology The Abbott Liberal Party, according the creation of Tomacco (two Simpsons speeding up the internet only to slow as consistent as John Travolta’s career. to their economic policy document, references in one sentence, I know). “believes in small government. ... Taxes it back down again, and touting their But credit where credit is due: they are economic management credentials while Most people were fairly aware of J. W. must be as low, as fair, and as simple as progressive enough to see the sense offering pork barrels as palatable to the Howard’s holy hypocrisy throughout possible.” He opposed the ETS on the in gay marriage, the need to create a wider electorate as they would be on the the glory days. On the one hand, a trust basis that it was “a big new tax”. He carbon trading system and the idiocy of tables of a barmitzvah party. that people rather than governments can opposed the mining tax on the basis that the fear-mongered sedition laws of the best decide how to spend their earnings, it was an unreasonable imposition on anti-terror legislation. The point is this. These ad hoc jumbles coupled with a faith in markets Milton one particular industry. And that it has of positions follow no internal logic. Friedman might’ve found disquieting. the word tax in it. And yet, he proposes So like the Australian Democrats before Which means we have no real system On the other, a genuine belief that big a colossal new tax on “big business” to them, the Greens will go into this by which to predict an Abbott or grandfather has a significant role to play fund a paid paternity leave system which election hoping to change the dynamics Gillard administration’s response to as society’s moral compass. Hands off outflanks Labor to the Left. of Australian politics. Sure, their budget any unforeseen policy demands. There the hip-pocket and on in the bedroom. is small and their policy a mix of weed, Modern Liberals love markets but are no tangible ideologies any more, Bob Marley and Al Gore, but maybe only carefully manipulated narratives You’d be forgiven for thinking that his guardedly, the way men love red that’s what the Senate needs. Perhaps designed to touch your heart in its special so-called ideological successor, our future heads: for their unpredictability, their the best way to move Australia forward place and cock-block your brain. Maybe overlord according to the patrons of allure, their deeply incomprehensible is to scrap this whole idea of formulating this is a new era in which politicians will the Rooty Hill RSL, would be keen to nature and the danger that they’ll policy based on carefully calculated be seen genuinely evaluating a policy’s follow (swim)suit. And he has seemingly bite your head off if not given exactly independent reports and polled public pros and cons. Or maybe it’s just the declared himself intent on becoming what they want. Tony, for example, approval ratings: just take a Greens latest way they can change their minds our next great economically and socially regrettably acknowledges the role for approach to life and have a crack at it as often as they change their underpants, conservative PM, following such heroes government intervention in addressing during GOVT tutes in first year. Who with a moderate chance of convincing us of the right as Robert Menzies, Lazarus market failings, like providing knows, maybe Captain Planet would be it’s not ‘cause they’re full of shit. and Kevin Rudd. telecommunications to the outback. a good PM? After all, he is a hero, and at Nevertheless, he is committed to finding least he’ll take pollution down to zero. ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO 16 The Soapbox www.honisoit.com A lack of Culture Policy from Canberra Chris Martin looks at the major parties’ policies for the Arts - or rather, their lack of policy.

There is a gaping hole in the major parties’ cultural policy at this election, According to a study by Live around an issue that has been Performance Australia, the live conspicuously absent from the last entertainment industry contributes over five Federal polls – the health of the $1 billion to the economy each year, Australian music industry. outweighing not only film production, but also the enormous horse and dog the six years since the ALP parachuted As Julia Gillard stepped out of the racing industries. The music business State government reforms in 2008 mean him into a safe Sydney seat, Peter Garrett Governor-General’s office to deliver alone, says Sarlos, “engages with a vast that venue concerns are principally the has barely acknowledged the music the opening clichés of the 2010 contest, ecosystem surrounding the industry, from domain of local councils. Still, just as industry. Hansard reveals that his last lobby group MusicNSW launched the “I venue operators, to music lawyers, to CD the very beginning of a child’s school meaningful parliamentary discussion of Heart Music and I Vote” campaign. Its manufacturers, and more.” education necessitates federal attention, working artists was in 2007. aims are simple: to demand some policy the nation’s music sector needs something – any policy – that protects and promotes As part of the broader creative industries, better than no support at its roots. In fairness, the Midnight Oil frontman Australian music for the Australian music, design and other artistic pursuits turned Arts Minister recently extended context. do not receive the political attention to Last month, the Australian an invitation to stakeholders, including match their economic value. “Political Communications and Media Authority MusicNSW, for input on a Contemporary MusicNSW’s Executive Officer, Eliza dialogue tends to focus on what are (ACMA) indicated that digital radio Music Industry Plan. So far, though, Sarlos, laments the 16-year abyss in perceived to be larger industries, like would be exempt from the commercial Sarlos believes the initiative was less federal music policy since the Keating mining, or car manufacturing,” Sarlos stations’ quota of Australian music an effort in policy, and “seemed more government’s ‘Creative Nation’. Sarlos continues. “We’re not asking for billions content. For commercial stations, the a collection of ideas than a strategy to told Honi, “We’re currently in a political of dollars, just a little recognition quota varies between 5 per cent and 25 supporting cultural development and the environment where culture doesn’t come and some policies, regulation and per cent, but this exemption to ACMA’s economic growth of the sector.” close to sitting on the radar.” support that match the size, scope and codes of practice gives no directive to the importance of this industry.” digital broadcasters – and no assurance of Whichever party forms the next federal In an era of economic wariness, where airplay for local artists – for the next three government, it appears that it will do the balance sheet commands more The effects of our politicians’ cultural years at least. so without even a cursory attempt attention than the drum solo, it is no negligence begin at the economic head at delivering policy for music sector shock that artistic and cultural concerns of the music sector, with perpetual Perhaps the most worrying sign for employees, artists or fans. Abbott, at have been pushed aside. Furthermore, concerns over unregulated illegal musicians, fans and their pleas for least, will include musical instruments given the propensity of political leaders downloading, but trickle all the way attention is the identity of the man who and tutoring in an expanded Education to reduce major issues to brief and down to the local, foundational sites of should be listening closest. In a past life, Tax Rebate. Otherwise, any culturally meaningless sound bites, there seems music. In the last few years, live music the Federal Minister for Environment driven effort to rejuvenate an essential little desire to explore the links between venues have suffered the blows of liquor Protection, Heritage and the Arts was a artistic and economic commodity remains the nation’s economic and cultural well- licensing changes and mishandled noise bona fide legend of Australian music. In missing in action. being. complaints in Melbourne and Sydney respectively.

Sydney Uni Alumnus and sometime all up in my grill Honi contributor, Dave Harmon has come up with the perfect solution to the problems of compulsory voting: UGLY POLITICIANS attaching the tear-away slip below queen cougar Palin, dominatrix Hilary to all ballot papers. The uninformed and suit-suave Obama. The only Aussie and uninterested voter will be so Larissa Rembisz is sick of other people pollie that you wouldn’t need to use judging politicians according to how a ten-foot pole to touch is Kate Ellis, enticed by the thought of a Calippo they look. That’s her thing. the Minister for Sport, but even she is that they will be more than happy fatally flawed by her behemoth giraffe- to obtain this iced confection at After listening to Triple J’s “Hottest like size. the measly price of their suffrage. Prime Ministers Of All Time” it got me thinking about how fugly all The Calippo is the litmus test for Abbott and Gillard are the worst of our Aussie politicians actually are. Australian society – those who the lot and need more than just a Seriously, most of our male pollies are succumb to the temptation are paper bag to hide their looks - they old codgers, fat blokes or just plain old Ew. Gross. exactly the people that should need a sack. When I saw Tony Abbott pricks and most of the female pollies help but picture his true doppelganger, be removed from the democratic in his budgie smugglers it gave me are just, quite frankly, unattractive. Gollum. process at all costs. Using a Paddle temporary blindness and every time I Where the bloody hell are all our good Pop would make the exercise see his Grinch-like smile it gives me the looking politicians? Then there is Gillard who walks like an pointless, and even Thomas Jefferson absolute chills. emu, bobbing her head forward whilst would sacrifice his right to vote for America has had its fair share of good leaving her bum behind; talks like a Also let’s not forget his ears which a Magnum. Thus, the Calippo – the looking pollies, including the sugar cockatoo; and who uses the Bold and the seem to grow before your very eyes. Australian standard of democracy. daddy JFK, silver fox Clinton, beauty Beautiful smell-a-fart-in-the-air stare for Those things are so ginormous that if almost every picture. Apart from her he moved his head back and forth fast gag-worthy ranga hair, her hairstyles enough he could take off. You wonder are also minger. With a husband for a why babies don’t cry when he steals hairdresser you would think she could them from their mothers to give them do better than an Edna Mode bowl cut. a kiss-of-death; it’s simply because they Just when you think she can’t look any actually think he is a monkey. worse, she consistently chooses to wear collared shirts with the top button done For me, however, the deal breaker is up as if she is a cast member of Star Abbott’s extensive body hair, which is Trek. Who could ever believe that she absolutely everywhere except on his was declared Australia’s sexiest female head. The guy’s chest rug is disgusting politician by Crikey in 2005. and needs a good shearing pronto. And let’s not get started on his psychotic It is time that we take a stand and laugh. Every time he splits his lipless declare a war on fugly Aussie pollies. mouth and lets out a cackle you can’t ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTION SPECIAL ELECTIO SRC Help 17 NUS Election Policy Guide...

Q & A with students who need help and a dog who has all the answers. . . Ask Abe Send your letters to: [email protected] Hi Abe, I’ve just been accepted back into the uni after having to appeal an exclusion from the faculty of Engineering. I’ve been at the uni now for 4 years and am wondering how my Youth Allowance payments are going to be effected. I’ve still got about 2 years left of study and really need the money. Engo

Dear Engo, The Youth Allowance “maximum allowable time for completion” is the normal length of your course plus one semester. This is regardless of whether you received a payment for those semesters or not. If you have studied any semesters part time they count as half a semester. So for engineering you would be allowed to study the full time equivalent of 4 years plus 1 semester. However, if there were whole semesters where you failed all of your subjects and you have documented evidence of an illness or misadventure that caused you to fail, you can ask Centrelink to discount that time. It might also be worthwhile trying to get those fails changed to DNFs. This will look better on your academic record. You may also consider asking for your HECs or fees refunded for the subjects that you failed. Ask one of the SRC caseworkers to help you apply. Remember that you do have a maximum of 10 years to complete the course overall (according to your Professional standards) and if you in a Commonwealth Supported Place (HECS) you also have time constraints there. Abe.

phone: (02) 9660 5222 email: [email protected] www.src.usyd.edu.au Level 1, Wentworth Building Contact SRC HELP If you are not on main campus contact Breda on: 0466 169 664 18 The SRC Reports www.honisoit.com President's Report Report of the SRC President, Elly Howse // [email protected]

When you pick up Honi this week, What’s it all about? you’ll have a few days left until Saturday 21st August to decide who you’d like to It’s really important that you have a vote for…if you’re a student who’s an clear idea of what it means to vote in Australian citizen and is over the age of Australia before you actually do so. The 18 and is enrolled. If you’re still 17, or Australian people (or rather, citizens over you didn’t get your enrolment in on time the age of 18 who are on the electoral (though check out the Get Up! court roll) do not vote directly for a Prime case win), or you’re not a citizen / you’re Minister. Instead, you are classified into an international student, I hope you’ve an electorate for the Lower House (the enjoyed the ongoing saga that is the House of Representatives) and you vote Australian political game. If you find it for individual candidates running in that totally boring, I am not surprised. Why? electorate. You also vote in your state for Because there was hardly any policy a ticket (a group of candidates) or for out there by the two major parties that individual candidates to be in the Upper actually involved students or that targeted House (the Senate). young people. By the way, before you get cranky, I’m not assuming that students are Whoever wins enough seats in the necessarily young, but the overwhelming House of Representatives forms the 1. For the House of Reps vote (green their elections, what happened? People majority are under 30. Government, with the leader of that party ballot paper), YOU MUST NUMBER missed out on voting. You will be in and becoming the Prime Minister. So you can EVERY BOX. I know it’s different in out in no time if you go to vote before Considering I first voted in 2007 in the see that leaders of parties, Opposition student elections, but for your vote about 11am – the lines can start being Federal Election, I thought I’d give first- Leaders and Prime Ministers are actually to be counted, you actually need to massive by midday. You could also find a time voters a sense of what voting is really voted in to the role by the candidates in number every box from 1 to 7 (or smaller, quieter booth somewhere in your all about in Australia. their party. however many candidates there electorate. are). SRC PREZ’S VOTING GUIDE What do I need to remember? But whom do I vote for? 2. For the Senate vote (white ballot I’ll preface my mini guide by saying You need to bring some sort of ID when paper), you must number every That’s up to you. It’s totally secret and no that people have glibly shrugged off you go to vote, like a passport, proof of box ABOVE the line or BELOW the one will ever know that you voted for the the meaning of ‘the vote’. The right to age card or a driver’s licence (a student line. Whatever you do, don’t vote Sex Party in the Senate and for Family vote is a human right to participate in a card doesn’t count!). You also need to vote above AND below the line – that’s an First in the House of Representatives (not democratic structure of the country in in a polling booth in your electorate. If invalid vote. that I am encouraging you to do that!). which you live. Whatever your view in you can’t be in your electorate but you’re relation to compulsory or optional voting, still in the same state or territory, you can Only use numbers, make it clear, don’t If you’re unsure about what people stand there’s no underestimating that the ability do early voting (closes on 20th August) or write stuff on it like ‘Candidate X is a for and what kind of policies they’ve come to vote and participate peacefully in the you can do an absent vote. dipshit loser’, or your vote will be declared up with, do a bit of research. Have a look construction and administering of a invalid and you’ve just wasted half an at the media, policy documents, speak to nation is super, super important. For those Elly’s tips for voting hour of your life making a mockery of your friends and family, talk to candidates of you who say ‘Pfffft’ at voting or that the Australian electoral system. And by and volunteers, or check out the National you ‘don’t care’, I’ll point you to several An essential thing to remember is the way, it costs money. So be smart, and Union of Students’ mini-guide to the places on a map of the world where preferences. Before you vote, you’ll fill out your ballot papers correctly. If major parties’ policies around students women (just to take one example) still probably get thrusted a million pieces of you have no idea what’s going on, ask and young people on page 16. don’t have the right to vote. paper by tired-looking volunteers outside the AEC people at the polling booth. the polling booths. These pieces of paper They are paid to make sure voting goes I’m still confused… People throughout history have died, been are ‘How-to-votes’. They are directions by smoothly and can answer your questions. tortured, imprisoned and humiliated for political parties and candidates to show If you make a mistake, ask for a new You can ring up the Australian Electoral the right to vote – working class men, you the most advantageous way to direct ballot paper. Commission or go to their election guide: women, people of colour, Indigenous your preferences. You don’t have to follow http://www.aec.gov.au/election/guide. people, minority groups and those with the how-to-votes, but if you like the party In Australia there’s the phrase, ‘Vote htm. They have really clear instructions a disability. So as you can imagine, when or candidate’s policy, it’s best to stick by early, vote often’. It basically means the and are generally quite helpful people. someone says, ‘Who gives a shit about their how-to-votes if you’re unsure. earlier you vote, the better. All polling voting?’ they’re not only disavowing booths open at 8am and close at 6pm So, go out there and VOTE! what people have fought for but are also But there are two massively important EST so don’t turn up at 5.50pm and disavowing what we’ve gained in the things to remember: expect to vote. When there was a bigger world as human beings. than expected turn-out in Britain for

Get involved! Come along to a collective... SRC Honi Soit 'Opinion Competition' Women's Collective: 1pm Thursdays, Holme Women's Room. Queer Collective: 2pm Mondays, Queer Space Holme Building WIN $1000 Now open for entries! NUS Pollie Pledge For more information [email protected] Competition closes 5pm (EST) Friday 17 September 2010. Environment Collectives: See the back cover of this edition of Honi Soit for details, Student Enviro Action Collective (SEAC): 1pm Mondays, Botany Lawns or visit www.honisoit.com Climate Action Collective: 1pm Mondays, Chancellors Lawns 19 General Secretary's Report Report of the General Secretary, Donherra Walmsley // [email protected]

On Thursday last week, Greens Senator Labor government in 2007. and this year after years of lobbying and Sarah Hansen-Young, along with Lee NUS is the peak representative body work we finally got the government to Rhiannon, Sam Byrne, and Tony for undergraduate university students reduce the age of independence from 25 Hickey launched the Greens’ Youth in Australia. Later on in the semester, to 22. Policy at Manning. Lee, Sam, and Tony during the elections for SRC President, joined the ranks of candidates in the Councilors, and editors of Honi Soit, Through NUS, we can make sure that upcoming election who have signed the you will also be electing delegates the student voice, which, as we’ve seen Pollie Pledge, which Sarah had already to the National Union of Students. in this election with the neglect of the signed at the launch of the campaign These delegates vote on policy which university sector in terms of policy at Education Conference in Tasmania determines the direction of the national from both the major parties, is all too earlier in the year. union, and also elect office bearers often ignored, actually gets heard. One for the organisation. NUS holds a lot student complaining about the fact that In her address to the forum, Senator of power to advocate for the change they can’t get on Centrelink because the Hansen-Young acknowledged the that students need. Some of the wins age of independence is ludicrously high importance of NUS – the National NUS has had include the abolition of won’t make a difference to government Union of Students – in pushing for many Domestic Undergraduate Full Fee places policy. A national body whose sole of the reforms to the university sector in 2007, the reduction of HECS fees purpose is to advocate for issues affecting we’ve seen since the election of the for Science and Maths students in 2008, students CAN make a difference. Indigenous Report Report of the SRC Indigenous Officer, Zoe Betar // [email protected] To write about Indigenous students and can be anything from Indian style to Thai our culture and feel privileged that it’s part As I said before, the University of Sydney life at the University of Sydney is a great style or simply to a meat pie and veggies. of our country’s history. Your history. is stepping up in these fields already, so privilege. Unfortunately however, there So i’m sorry to disappoint you. 2010 has seen some major changes in the we’re asking for you to stand with us in isn’t much to say. Nothing that would It’s these exact stereotypes we hope to world that is Sydney university. Slowly solidarity, in support for all the universities interest the typical student reading this dismantle forever. Yes these are some of but surely change for Indigenous students across Australia to put an Indigenous article on the way to ‘the library’ anyway. our traditional foods, but just because around campus and hopefully Australia representative on council, so they too For the small but significant number of they’re part of our culture, does not mean is underway. This year’s Indigenous can be heard. Standing together with Indigenous students, life wouldn’t be they’re part of everyone’s 21st century Education Conference highlighted the Indigenous and Non-Indigenous people too different from your own. We have life. I love my culture, I love uniqueness lack of voice in some universities for their will send THE message, as due to lack of breakfast, commute however long it takes and beauty of it. But I also love my typical Indigenous students. This has to change. numbers, we cannot stand alone. to get to campus, then go home after the home in Tweed Heads, and am learning The representatives and universities day is done. Most people however seem to to love the city lifestyle in Sydney. One of present during this 4 day event lead to the By Zoe Betar think that our breakfast involves a healthy the most common mistakes by people is conclusion that a National Day of Action bowl of witchety grubs and a eucalyptus assumption and judgement. Simply ask will be held this semester. ‘We want YOU’. tea, dinner is kangaroo, crocodile or emu. and we’ll answer the best we can. If you For those that believe all Indigenous I’m telling you now, my breakfast has never see someone in an AIME hoodie, ask students should have an equal say, equal really strayed too far from toast or a bowl them what it’s like. Join in. Participate in opportunities throughout their uni life, ‘we of cereal. (Freaky I know.) Dinner for us Reconciliation and NAIDOC week. Learn want YOU’. Education Report Report of the Education Officer, Gabriel Dain // [email protected]

Student Housing improvements to Youth Allowance, While you are at it, support the heard and addressed at the right level The election is this Saturday, and this is an ongoing issue that deserves candidates who support students by of decision-making, and it secures a whether or not you have taken the pledge your attention. As part of the National taking the pledge yourself, and make voice for students where the SRC has no to Vote for Students (unistudent.com.au/ Rental Affordability Scheme (NRAS), your vote count! jurisdiction. vote Universities are entitled to build and rent ), student accommodation is an issue that accommodation at 20% below the market Student Representation If you are interested in becoming a you should know about and, as a student, rate. The government has committed $1 As well as having SRC elections just student representative for your Faculty should influence who you give your vote billion to this scheme, which applies not around the corner, August marks the or Academic Board, get in touch with to. only to unis but other organisations as opening of nominations for Faculty your faculty office. If you would like well, but Universities have not taken up Board student representative positions. more information of what Faculty and As we stand, Rent Assistance is less than the opportunity as much as they should Each Faculty Board has a set number of Academic Board representation is like, half of what most student pay in rent have. spots reserved for student representatives, email me or give me a call on 9660 5222 each week, and there is a severe lack who are elected directly by the student any time. of affordable accommodation close to As part of the Vote for Students body of that Faulty. campus. The majority of on-campus campaign, we have gotten dozens of Having students on Faculty Boards Gabriel Ignacio Dain accommodation is actually above the candidates in these elections to pledge to is an extremely important part of 0415291841 average price for our area, and rental vote in favour of expanding affordable student government. As a member [email protected] prices in the surrounding suburbs have housing for students. To find out which of the Faculty of Arts board and the [email protected] been steadily increasing. candidate you should be voting for Academic Board, I can say that the Even though the National Union of in your electorate, go to http://www. SRC and students benefit greatly from Students and your SRC have secured unistudent.com.au/vote/?page_id=18. having representatives on these boards; we can make sure that our concerns are Bletchley Park www.honisoit.com 20Epic! THE HONI SOIT CROSSWORD THE PLOT encounters the army of 6-Across. 45-Down, extremely 58-Down due to The hero of this famous 44-Down 14-Across’s 35-Down is deeper into is Prince 1-Across of 11-Down, son 42-Down. 19-Across arrives home and of Queen 51-Across and the lately decides to get 30-Down on 1-Across deceased King 1-Across. 56-Across, who they learn has returned to 11- the brother of King 1-Across, is elected Down. 56-Across proposes a fencing king and marries 51-Across. The match, using 47-Across. 19-Across, inhabitants of Castle 17-Across are also enraged at the 35-Down of 14-Across concerned about possible invasion decides he will 38-Across the tip of his from Prince 6-Across. 23-Down is told 58-Across. 56-Across decides to also by some sentinels that they have seen offer 1-Across 38-Acrossed 54-Down. a 24-Across, who looked like the dead 51-Across enters to report that 45-Down King 1-Across. 23-Down tells 1-Across has drowned. and he awaits it that evening. The 24-Across appears and tells 1-Across that In the 17-Across churchyard, 1-Across 56-Across 35-Downed him by pouring banters with a gravedigger about 38-Across into his ear. 1-Across decides the skull of 21-Down. 45-Downs’s to get 30-Down. funeral procession approaches, led by 19-Across. A fight 52-Downs between 56-Across’s chief counsellor 14-Across 1-Across and 19-Across, but it is has a son, 19-Across and a daughter, broken up by 51-Across and 56-Across. 45-Down, who 1-Across is courting. 1-Across tells 23-Down that 10-Down 14-Across tells 19-Across “29-Across and 24-Down have been 5-Downed. of entrance to a quarrel, but being in, 1-Across leaves to fence with 19-Across. BENNY DAVIS bear’t that the opposed may 29-Across of 51-Across toasts 1-Across against the thee.” 1-Across’s strange behaviour lead protests of 56-Across, accidentally 45-Down and 14-Across to fear he is drinking the 54-Down he 38-Acrossed. overcome by 42-Down. Also alarmed by Between bouts, 19-Across attacks and 1-Across’s strange behaviour, 56-Across cuts 1-Across, but 1-Across also fatally sends for 10-Down and 24-Down, his wounds 19-Across with his 59-Down old friends, to spy on him. 56-Across 38-Acrossed 58-Across. 51-Across dies. DOWN MARK SUTTON. and 14-Across convince 45-Down to In his dying moments, 19-Across is 22. Chosen badly, without a second for 2. Listen or have respect (3) speak with 1-Across while they secretly reconciled with 1-Across and reveals Monty Python’s Brian (5) 3. Fib about where the golf ball is (3) listen. He furiously rants at 45-Down 56-Across’s 35-Down-ous plot. 1-Across 25. Cad will allege there is a corpse (7) 4. Prehensile-snouted ungulate takes a and insists she get herself to a 18- stabs 56-Across with the 38-Acrossed 27. Eager, oddly, to concur (5) trip, oddly (5) Down. 1-Across decides to stage a play, 58-Across, then forces him to drink from 28. 99 + 1 and a monstrous loch lead to 6. Endlessly fund enjoyable activity (3) re-enacting King 1-Across’s 35-Down, his 59-Down 38-Acrossed 54-Down to extreme coldness, like in 11-Down (7) 7. Trouser messes up networking devices but calling him 33-Across Gonzago, make sure he is 5-Downed. 1-Across 32. At first, tell all that the young are (7) at which 56-Across abruptly rises and names 6-Across as heir to the throne of moth-eaten (5) 8. Actor who played the 24-Across in the leaves the room, which 1-Across sees as 11-Down. 23-Down attempts to 5-Down 34. Projectiles are means of working 36-Across of 1-Across (7) proof of his guilt. himself with the 38-Acrossed 54- after the morning (4) 13. Two less than skill will allow snow- Down, but is stopped by 1-Across who 36. Film the moment before you sport (3) An argument erupts between 1-Across commands him to tell his story. When compete (5) 16. Cattle broke half the cars of the Wall and 51-Across. 14-Across, spying from 6-Across arrives to greet 56-Across, 41. Sadly enrol isolated person (5) Street denizens (12) behind an 9-Down, is convinced that 51-Across, 56-Across, 19-Across, and 43. iPhone programme for energy-breast 19. Epistle is one who allows, perhaps (6) 1-Across’s 42-Down is real, and thinks 1-Across have all been 5-Downed, and is bon’s culinary counterpart (7) 26. A thousand, a non-de-plume (1.1.1) 1-Across is about to 35-Down 51-Across that is the 61-Across. 46. Weird, as are places (5) 31. Harry! Soccer ended so gradually and cries out. 1-Across, believing it is 48. Bun gets back to the point (3) quiet down (11) 56-Across, draws his 58-Across and THE OTHER CLUES (CRYPTIC) 50. Even barbarian? “Hi army” says 36. It melds curiously at its most 5-Downs 14-Across, though 1-Across Isaac’s would-be killer (7) moderate (7) shows no 40-Across at his mistake. ACROSS 55. Sounds like ‘Aching Cove’ is an icy 37. Preserve lamb. Me? Kill (6) 56-Across decides to send 1-Across to 12. Large Bee – so misunderstood (5) treat (6) 39. Soiree hides secret anger (3) England with 10-Down and 24-Down, 15. Half a greeting after Delaware 60. A lousy rank annoys four-legged, 49. Nobleman sounds arid (5) where he will have 1-Across 5-Downed. qualification (6) club-tailed dinosaur (10) 53. Use an oar and fight (3) Upon leaving 17-Across, 1-Across 20. I hear some addition (3) 57. Even buskers are in Kiev’s country (for short) (3)

*Questions themed around this week's issue.

THE TAKE HOME* 1. What was Bob Hawke’s world record for sculling a yard 9. Who is the deputy leader of the Australian Greens Mr Squiggle glass? Party?

2. Who’s US Presidential campaign slogan was ‘Don’t 10. How many states held primary elections on Super change horses midstream’? Tuesday in 2008?

3. What is the name of this year’s Queer Revue? 11. Who was the youngest ever member of Australian 4. How many times has a Spanish rider won the Tour de federal parliament? France? (a) 10 12. Which of these films is not an original screenplay by (b) 13 the Coen brothers? (c) 15 (a) A Serious Man (b) No Country For Old Men 5. Which USyd college is the current holder of the (c) Fargo Rawson Cup? 13. Which country was the first to introduce compulsory 6. How many Labor Prime Ministers have Australia had? voting?

7. What is the population of Egypt? 14. T/F: Dr. Michael Spence, USyd’s Vice-Chancellor is a serving religious cleric. 8. How many Justices of the High Court of Australia

(former and current) are graduates of Sydney Law School? 15. Who will win the federal election?

(adapted from the novel by Cormac McCarthy) 13. Belgium, in 1893 14. True 15. Eden-Monaro 15. True 14. 1893 in Belgium, 13. McCarthy) Cormac by novel the from (adapted (b) 12. Neilsen No Country For Old Men Old For Country No

4. (b) 13 5. St Paul’s 6. 13 7. 81,000,000 8. 23 9. Christine Milne 10. 24 11. William William 11. 24 10. Milne Christine 9. 23 8. 81,000,000 7. 13 6. Paul’s St 5. 13 (b) 4. 3. Lincoln Abraham 2. seconds 11 1. ANSWERS: The Gay After Tomorrow After Gay The The Garter Press AT LAST, ALL OF THE NEWS APRIL 12th. 1910 ONE Brand New Australian Penny DEAKIN-FISHER ELECTION TO BE DECIDED RMS TITANIC NEARS BY RACE AROUND THE WORLD COMPLETION

A BRAZEN CHALLENGE caper by questioning the and cabinet members waving Reports from Southhampton The 1910 federal election took constitutional validity of the handkerchiefs and throwing suggest that the long- an unexpected turn yesterday wager. The Prime Minister rice at the departing leader awaited RMS Titanic is soon after tensions broke out during drew his attention to the who returned fire by throwing to be finished. a debate in the House of poorly-worded constitutional more sandbags, dispersing Representatives in Parliament section 265ab which stated the crowd of terrified well- In a partnership between House, Melbourne. something or other which wishers. the White Star and Cunard made it okay, then dropped his Shipping Companies the ship After Fisher attacked Deakin hot air balloon’s sandbags on Fisher, whom no-one really is to be the largest cruiser yet on his stance on the state the Chief Whip’s head, hurting likes, received no such send built, and will offer luxurious debt referendum, the Prime him instantly, then killing him off, yelling, “Fuck ya’s all!” travel between England and Minister retorted saying, “Well some time later. as he disappeared over the America. sir, you may talk as loudly as horizon! one of Mr Marconi’s radios, THE RULES LAID OUT but like this faddish trinket, “We begin from Flinders Street BUT WHAT OF THE Station,” began Fisher, “and HOME FRONT? GIANT ICEBERG I also don’t know how to use The two intrepid MPs (Not pictured, the Fishercopter, the steam-powered Deakin-o-motive) you or what your practical then I shall proceed Northerly. While the leaders are away, the NEARS application is!” around of his own! Around the Ministerial hot air balloon, I will be pausing only to stop in nation is to be run by 30-year- world that is,” he added, as an “but what’s more, I’ll stake the the Orient to pick up silks and old Earle Christmas Page, COMPLETION QUARRELS ABOUND spices to gift to His Majesty Australia’s most festive citizen afterthought. government on it.” Reports from the North The chamber then erupted during a brief stay at Balmoral with rumoured ambitions to Atlantic ocean suggest that into cries of “Balls and Castle, which I had planned to be a short-lived and barely THE CHALLENGE The House erupted yet again, the long-awaited Giant Whiskers” before the Speaker do anyway.” remembered Prime Minister ACCEPTED AND A GHOST this time because the Minister Killer Iceberg is soon to be of the House brought them to some time in the future. After a brief bout of fisticuffs, for Housing had returned as finished. order by throwing the Sceptre Deakin stooped to pick up the fabled Spectre of State, “I shall do you one better,” of State at the Minister for rejoindered the Prime Minister. THE COUNTRY’S Fisher’s gauntlet, which he not seen in Parliament House In a partnership between Housing (deceased). had left on the chamber floor since 1904! “I shall head Westerly, picking BREATH IS BATED up exotic animals and the With the circumnavigation water and the freezing after his ‘eat a frog’ challenge arctic winds, the Iceberg is THE NEXT THING THAT corpse of Breaker Morant in escapade expected to take two weeks prior, which no one “Wooooh,” said he, causing to be the largest and most HAPPENED South Africa, as proof of my several years, the nation lays had taken up. cheers and howls of terror ludicrously destructive “Well, sir,” replied Fisher, gallant adventures and grave waiting to find out who their from the sitting MPs. immovable object yet forged “after giving His Majesty’s robbery.” new leader is, though neither “Not only will I race you round by Mother Nature, and will Australian British people are expected to survive the the world, you cad,” began THE PURSUIT DELAYED offer a deadly obstacle to all the run-around, perhaps he THE PAIR SET OFF journey. the Prime Minister, already The Chief Whip briefly hubristic enough to cross its would like to do some running loading himself into his Prime postponed the circumferential It was a teary goodbye for Deakin, with his wife, children path. STUDENTS DEMAND GAY MARRIAGE 20 YEARS SINCE COLOUR ADDED YOUNG BACHELORS THE FLU TO TO MOTION HENDERSON’S GODDAMN CALL FOR HAPPY, END ALL FLUS PICTURE JOYOUS UNIONS MIRACLE TONIC Medical practitioners worldwide A newsreel depicting the funeral Fed up with the nationwide have today marked twenty years of King Edward VII was released state of despair in marriages since the Russian flu pandemic, yesterday, for the first time since the legalisation of widely regarded as the final threat featuring colour, just like in real divorce and separation, two the influenza virus posed to the life. young chaps have started a general welfare of the human race. campaign to bring back the joy The reel, shown at Melbourne’s to marriage. Dr Simon Pleen, spokesperson for Atheneum Theatre, caused The most stupefyingly useful medicinal compound known the Australian Medical Association, widespread outrage from the men “The time is now for gay, had this to say: “More than 1 million in attendance, after their lady- to the Empire! Taken from an ancient Oriental recipe, its happy marriages!” said Percy The Young Bachelors people died in the 1890 pandemic, companions fainted from fear, or curative properties come from a potent mix of opium, asbestos Fansworth, 21. “Many young so this occasion is a time of solemn swooned from excitement. “We’ve adopted the rainbow remembrance of lives tragically cut and the mysterious Chinese herb known only as “bleach”. bachelors like myself have no as our campaign’s symbol, as short. However, it also an occasion “It’s no good, no good at all” desire for unhappy marriages what could be more joyful or of hope, as we (the global medical observed one such observer, “The that end in divorce, and we inspire more healthy female Henderson’s Goddamn Miracle tonic will cure: community) perceive that the pictures were all big like, which believe that every young, adoration than the rainbow,” threat of a widespread outbreak of is frightening enough, but then Anxiety! supple man has the right to a said Chasperson. gay marriage!” influenza in the future is virtually to add colours, the exact same Rheumatism! zero.” colours we got here, mind, well, “There’s nothing queer about a Complaints of the Bowel! I thought the gigantic coffin of Fansworth, along with his group of men coming together Interestingly, doctors in Spain King Edward would surely crush Broken Neck! friend Albert Chasperson, 20, and releasing a spray of pent- recently organised a parade did not participate in the us all!” Severed Face! up passion in support of gay commemorations due to ongoing down Oxford St in support of marriage,” he said. “GAY strike action “Crushed by a coffin...” he Bishop’s Knee! gay marriages. MARRIAGE NOW!” continued, “Is that irony?” Crap Ears! Being On Fire! NELLIE MELBA FLIES OFF THE RAILS Not Being On Fire Enough! Poorly Sewn Pants! The nation’s most tabloid- The now disgraced it-girl was was heard to remark to a splashed entertainer at the club with the notorious waiter at the Savoy in London Tailor’s Lament! has caused yet another Cravat-Pack made up of that she would like to use the Mexican Rainbow! controversy after her Caruso, Florence Lawrence restroom. scandalous behaviour on and E.M. Forster when President Taft-Levels of Fatness! Saturday night. several guests complained Parents of young girls across Impending World War! about their loud revelry and Australia are outraged that Legs Akimbo! The troubled soprano and ostentatious hats. the once irreproachable role star of such chart-topping model could sink this low and Saint Sebastian’s Fist! hits as Donizetti’s “Lucia” This is not the first controversy are calling for a nationwide Cock Rash! and Saint-Saens’ “Helene” which had plagued the melting of her wax cylinders. Chinaman’s Wheelbarrow! was politely but sternly asked talented but uncontrollable to leave the Supper Club in national treasure. “She’s just too young to Governor-General’s Anus! Brisbane after she imbibed handle this level of fame,” The troubled starlet Crockadockapigsheepitis over four cups of camomile In early 1909 a now famous said her former manager. “I tea (nearly an entire pot!) and etching was made of her mean, she’s only 49 for God’s for comment, but reports Spiders of the Lung! more than her fair share of disembarking a handsome sake.” attest she will be hanged on Stabby Stabby Stab Stab! cake. cab with her ankle in full Monday.Look for the new ‘soft’ Garter,And whatever other horrible Edwardian thing you have! view, and just this year she She could not be reached available at all distribution points The Garter Press A Very Urgent Warn- THE GARTER UNIVERSITY IS MOST PLEASED TO ing Most Warranted LISTEN UP To The Public, Their ANNOUNCE OUR NEW COURSES FOR 1910 EVERYBODY Books And Their Chil- ‘COS I’M ONLY dren ‘Gainst The De- Handsome Embroidery GONNA SAY ceitful LIP-BOX Casual Racism THIS ONCE Reverend Chuffstone Carl- Intermediate Falconry Toxford Rippingscones Body Popping/Hip- AND I WON’T Ask not for whom the bell tolls, Hopping BE BACK UNTIL it tolls for our books! All com- munications of print – novels Catch That Fox! 1986 that once you read as a child, Heroin: The Curative encyclopaedias in all their Properties Thereof BY learningness, this very pub- lication you grip in fear right Horse Shouting HALLEY’S COMET now – are surely in their final Moustache Wrangling/ death throes! Twirling Ok guys listen up cos I’ve include some Archduke of “My good man – calm you – and Computer Studies only got one chance to say Austria and another Austrian tell me: wherefore this fearful this because I won’t be back named Hitler in fact all of tone?” learned reader asks. I All expressions of interest should include a cover letter, all for a very long time because Austria is pretty sketchy for do respond in kind: the dread- relevant references and then be wrapped in a half-brick and of this trajectory I’m on so about the next forty years ed LIP-BOX, known in certain you better listen up real good so be sure to keep an eye on hurled through the Vice-Chancellor’s office. unnamed camps – though I’m and grab a pen and paper them but they’re not the only loathe to let the word stain or something you can write country that’s going to be these hallowed pages – as a with like a typewriter or a messing things up for every- RADIO, is waging its unholy computer if that has been one but I can’t really name war against all forms of print, invented yet but it doesn’t all the others now because the very backbone of our soci- really matter because the as you can see I’m practically ety, of our families, of our con- main point of what I’m trying moving at the speed of light sciousnesseseses. to say is that you should re- well not exactly but hey then DAISY ally be writing this down for again you guys haven’t really Can you imagine one year from future reference cos I’ve seen discovered what that is yet now: Shall our hymns be sung SNUFFINGTON’S some shit man and I want to but I’m getting a bit off topic by lifeless boxes? Shall we re- let you know that y’all need which is silly of me because tire to the Listening Room, and to prepare yourself because there’s lots of other major sit the livelong day in a din of even though you may be ten stuff I have to tell you about static? Shall we, indeed, watch ESTEEMED years into this century some like the next huge thing is our fish and chips grow cold major shit is about to go there’s this whole Cold War whilst all the while ineffectively down and I mean major like thing where there’s like an wrapped in radios? EMPIRE OF World War type major like the ongoing war but it’s not really entire world is going to be at a war but there’s a big bunch Note, though, that this shall be WORDS war and I know you think “oh of weapons in Cuba but don’t no mere shift of custom: our yeah whatever we’ve already worry ‘cos it won’t amount eyes, not having need of their had the Boer War and that to anything super drastic oh daily use, shall grow weak and was pretty badass” but I’m and somebody tell JFK not feeble and eventually close Felicitations to my read- will be spoken at such a fre- not talking about fighting to go to Dallas oh and make up. Our hands, not needing ers, and not just Felicity but quency that only dogs could a bunch of Dutch settler sure you don’t just forget to turn the rustic pages of the also her too. Welcome to one hear it (but you couldn’t even bumpkins or Xulu warriors Afghanistan after you kick juicy book, shall crumble and more and yet another edition tell them to sit!). with sticks I’m talking about the Soviets out because I’ve fall. I have friends, Men of Sci- of The Esteemed Empire of tanks and trenches and got a bad feeling about that ence and of Brainal Regions all, Words. Today I’d like to take But it’s not all bad. With the then later some damn Nazis too well in fact that whole re- whom assure me with the ut- you all with me together on inventions of radio and film, and atomic bombs and even gion is about to become a bit most prevarication of the cer- a journey into the terrifying English is expected to be the though you don’t really know ‘iffy’ so just watch yourselves tainty of my claims. future. only language on the planet yet what all those words there too and on that topic by 1950, which will lead to mean yet you soon will and you should probably know But lastly Scarce a day goes by The English language chang- the inventions of new lan- then you’ll be all like “oh wow now that oil won’t last forever than I do not see one of God’s es every year and with each guages to take up the place we should have listened to and your actions in the next fair children, the budding fruit year more changes come of the old ones, including that comet he was so right” decades will have irreparable of seasons to come, plucked un- about. So what will English Gerfrench, a combination of so yeah the main gist is the damage on the environment timely from the virgin boughs be 100 years on from now on, Russian and Polish. following people are going to oh and Dumbledore dies of literacy and devoured by the which experts predict will be be uber important in the next KTHXBAI very tool of Beelzebub himself, in 2010? What can I do to prepare my- seventy years or so and they the lipped box! self? And by ‘I’, I mean you, So what will it be like in the asking I, by which I mean time of 100 years time I hear me, who is you. Daisy’s ad- you ask? Well, we can expect vice is to write down all the HENDERSON’S CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL the invention of all sorts of words you can think of now new words, and the replace- and put them in a box. Then The Approved Cure for HAY FEVER, INFLUENZA AND HYSTERICAL PREGNANCY. ment of more than a few. For bury that box in your back UR CON T O SUL example, horse, book and garden with a sign reading “A A TIN One patient’s testimony: Recommended for LS G pants will likely be replaced IA O Present From The Past To The R F by the words laserhorse, elec- T F Future Which Is Your Pres- CHILDREN E IC trobook and horse – sounds E E “I’D READ ALL ABOUT IT ent In The Present Though R S F confusing? Well, readers of You Are The Future But Not AGED PEOPLE IN THE TOP this column, just think that To You. Use This Present To 100 years ago, we didn’t even NEWSPAPERS AND FIRST Not Forget The Past Which THE HYSTERICALLY have words for table, seven Is Now Present. Some Day YEAR LAW TEXT BOOKS. or Thomas Edison – but you You Will Be Past To, Though PREGNANT wouldn’t even bat any eyelids Not At Present (Your Present, with a bat if I were to invite Which Is Also In This Box).” THE GREAT UNWASHED IT CERTAINLY CURED MY you over to my table at seven I myself have done this and AVERSION TO SMOKE for some Thomas Edisoning! now rest assured that my THOSE INCAPABLE OF good work will be continued STARTING LITIGATION INHALATION!” But Daisy, you ask, surely in the future. now the language is finished and all words are now in their But until then, keep explor- AGAINST THE ADVICE OF OUR LAWYERS, WE’VE DEPOSITED ONE THOUSAND POUNDS right place and order. Not ing the Esteemed Empire of IN THE BANK SHOWING OUR SINCERITY. FUCK ‘EM! true! Experts at the Garter Words, including all these University suggest that in 100 ones. We OFFER you the PROMISE of health. Will you ACCEPT?* CONTRACT! years time there will no lon- *No intention to be bound. ger be any verbs, and English The Garter Press swear to god, Merril, you have Magnificent Men seek Flying rible wife. See, told you I’d do GENERAL NOTICES no idea of the ramifications if BIRTHS & DEATHS Machines They go up-tiddly- it. But still, don’t tell the police. you threw this out. Contact: A. That could work out badly for The Vienna Academy of Art re- up-up, then go down on you. Fleming Isamu Kurosawa is proud to me. grets to inform the following announce the birth of his first applicants that they will not be FOR SALE Are you someone who is not son Akira, delivered in Tokyo Edward VII. Was apparently undertaking our course next my wife? earlier this morning. King or something. Died in semester. If this is you, come marry me. I My Memoirs. Buckingham Palace after a I’m sure history will remember hate my wife, that slattern! Shima Kurosawa is proud to protracted battle with Bronchi- Hitler, A. me for the exciting and daring Does this make me a bigamist? announce that she gave birth tis. Maybe we all should have Prime Minister I am. What did No! I have a little plan. No, to her first son Akira in a hos- sung ‘God Save The King From Please don’t take this person- I do again? Oh, even I don’t re- I’d better keep that to myself. pital in Tokyo early Monday Bronchitis’! [This is in incred- ally. We wish you all the best in member. My memoirs are so (Psssst! I’m going to poison her. morning with her husband ibly poor taste Dolores, please your future pursuits. dull. Sorry everyone. Goodbye Don’t tell anyone. Especially Isamu by her side. remove immediately]. not the police.) legacy. Solomon Cohen, H. H. Asquith, Prime Minister Dr Crippen Doctor Okara Kanto is proud The Garter is sad to announce of Britain. to announce that he deliv- that Banjo Patterson, bush Dean of the V.A.A WANTED ered the first son of Isamu poet, author of such Australian Beards of every kind! Small and Shima Kurosawa early on classics as “Waltzing Matilda” Due to the increasing number beards! Large beards! Beards Monday morning. and “The Man From Snowy of automobile accidents, pe- A key. of woven silk! Beards of the River”, has passed away. destrians will now be required I’m stuck in a box. I’ve really finest bees! Impress your non- Akira Kurosawa is proud to to wear Henderson’s ‘Aired- gone too far this time. I’m run- bearded better half with a face announce his own birth. He The Garter is pleased to an- Bags’ over most of the vulner- ning out of oxygen. full of beards! Strictly no mous- would especially like to thank nounce that beloved bush poet able areas of their body. Will pay anything. taches. Banjo Patterson is not dead af- Telegram H. Houdini, inside a his parents Isamu and Shima and the professionalism and ter all – we had him confused Archaeologists in Cairo have box, New York. Property in Canberra. Be the diligence of Doctor Kanto. with a different Banjo Patter- uncovered a tablet, prophesy- first in on this exciting new de- son, what a relief! ing the coming of a great force People to join my expedition to velopment. After being chosen We dun be consid’rable sor- of evil. They have so far trans- the South Pole. as our nation’s capital, this city ry to t’nounce the death of The Garter is less pleased to lated the inscription to read Transport: I refuse to take hus- is sure to become the hub of all pop’lar auther Mark Twain. properly announce the death of “Beware all those who doubt kies. What? things new and exciting! Dem words he dun wrote were the other Banjo Patterson, not the awesome and terrifying Am I Amundsen?: No, stop powerful meaningful. the poet one, mind. power of Ivan D -”, with the asking me. My expedition is Smallish pox. Perfect for busy rest indecipherable. Those on better. professionals who have no time Sad tidings for the family of The Garter had just been in- the dig have been dismissive How long will it take: We may to cart around a large, cumber- Stanislao Cannizzaro who formed that the not-the-poet of the warning, most calling it be some time. some pox. passed away on Monday. No Banjo Patterson was just sleep- “superstitious nonsense” be- Am I Amundsen?: For the last joke here. We just saw he died ing after all that. What a waste fore immediately bursting into time no! The white space below this ad- on Wikipedia. Some sort of of everyone’s time. flames. Chance of not dying: Reason- vert! Sell your shoes, your hats, chemist? ably good! anything at all you like! Make a LOST: Piece of moldy bread. Contact Captain Scott. (No I few extra pounds for – oh wait, Dr Crippen is pleased to an- HENDERSON’S Last seen in my kitchen. I am not Amundsen) it’s gone. nounce the death of his hor- SHIT-YOU-NOT life has to offer. Ferdinand, though, was that he is a man content to live PIANOLA The man I speak of is none out of the headlines, blessed A Matter other than Archduke Franz with commendable modesty. Ferdinand, the heir to the “I don’t really see myself as Austro-Hungarian Empire. an important figure,” he told An extremely scrupulous and me. “I’d be happy if my head- of Style noble man, often disparaged stone read: “Here lies Franz Henderson’s Shit-You-Not by jealous peers, Ferdinand Ferdinand. A man content received me at his Bohemian with the hands he was dealt.” Pianolas are only a fucking WITH THAT castle at Konopiste. Obviously that will be made piano that fucking plays itself. YOUNG UPSTART several decades from now. I The keys go down and freaking CHESTERTON Never have I seen a more don’t really have many en- impressive collection of tro- emies,” he said. everything. Shit! FANCYSPOONS phies and antiquities! He What on Gods green tells of hunting career that Unfortunately I was unable comprises an estimated motherfucking earth are you Welcome, dandies and dande- commentators will bother to to dine with this superlative 300,000 game kills, 5,000 waiting for? Jesus. lions, to a brave new decade mention such trivialities of Duke, as I was called away of which were deer. “Being a of impeccable manners and naming decades, and it would on important business before Buck Hunter is my consum- unimpeachable deportment. indeed be an indictment if the MAINS were served, but ing passion,” Ferdinand said they did, but I nonetheless I’m sure history will remem- to me, hand propped against The great thinkers have yet find it quite amusing. ber him for his charming the massive nose of one of his to contrive a true moniker modesty. conquests. for the period into which we Speaking of excellency, I boldly stride, but I am quite had the ineffable pleasure What struck me most about to the term The EXcellency, of meeting one of Europe’s after, as most of you will well most stupendous excellen- know, the Roman numeral X. cies on my last Continental The Garter Press I seriously doubt that, a hun- sojourn and was afforded a THE GARTER PRESS WOULD LIKE dred years from now, social rare glimpse into the highest is pleased to challenge the TO ANNOUNCE THE CONTINUING AND following people to a duel: HENDERSON’S FIST-ME-SIDEWAYS CURIOS ONGOING EMPLOYMENT OF DOLORES David Cunningham AND ALL HER FUTURE OFFSPRING. James Colley HAVE SOME FREE HENDERSON’S GOD- Mark Sutton DAMN MIRACLE TONIC TO ENSURE YOUR Ben Jenkins LONGEVITY. David Mack Henry Hawthorne Henderson’s Fist-Me-Sideways Curios Ha. Very amusing indeed, dear Dolores. Joe Smith-Davies What the hell is going on here? It’s some kind of fucking box with Let’s hope your future ancestors keep up a goddamn crank on the side that does shit knows what! Start Naomi Hart your sense of jovial glee. a fucking conversation, blow the mother-cunting minds of those fucktards next door with this shitting thing that does some freaking We demand satisfaction. But seriously, don’t let this go off to the stuff. printing press. Ah, go fuck yourselves. -Ed.