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Outrageous Excuses

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Outrageous Excuses OUTRAGEOUS EXCUSES Anne from Quirindi Her prescription‟s run out Patrick from Manilla His goldfish has a cold and he has to stay home to keep it warm Michael from Ashley, near Moree He‟s got root canal therapy he‟s been very much looking forward to. Joy from Moonbi Wrote an excuse poem Barry was driving through the region Petrol is just too expense ($1.45) Cathy from Tenterfield She‟s allergic to penguin feathers John from Tenterfield He‟d get too puffed walking down there because he‟s 90 years old Mary from Tamworth She always celebrated mid-Summers day in the Northern hemisphere on 24th June so she‟d be there on the wrong day. Warren Sheather from Bundarra Has to stay home to water his chili plants Joan from Gunnedah Can't go because I‟d have to wear so many clothes I'd be frightened I'd start walking like a penguin Joy from Moonbi Sorry Jim I won‟t be there Am afraid my wardrobe is quite bare Of woolly‟s and thermal underwear And to show up in a bikini I wouldn‟t dare! Mike from Tamworth I was eager to attend, however after to speaking to my Travel agent, I was unable to secure a transfer from Hobart. Ruth from Quirindi We‟d all love to come, but they won‟t let us out of „Elmswood‟. Anna from Tamworth I can‟t come to Antarctica because I am afraid of the dark… and the days of sunlight are just sooooo short! Jennie from Armidale Because Igloos make me claustrophobic. Norene from Armidale Dear Jim, it might be winter down there but I would hate to miss a cold one in Armidale. Joan and Doug from Quirindi Sorry cant make the party, have an appointment at the heated pool in Tamworth, and we have a big battle on our hands to save the Quirindi hospital. Dr Wiliam Strutt from Uralla Dear Jim, We had intended to be at this very special occasion with you Jim, so I brought a new dinner shirt yesterday at Lowes to go with my dinner suit. But after hearing the comment from you about penguins we decided to change our plans and booked two tickets for my wife and me to see the last night of “South Pacific” and the „Arts Theatre‟ at UNE Saturday night, where penguins are welcomed. We are very sorry Jim. Yours Truly, Dr Wiliam Strutt. Jane from Tamworth Dear Doctor, Please excuse my absence from Antarctica. It is due to a dog eating my passport. Joan from Glen Innes She donated all her thermals to Santa Dawn from Barraba Is hoping a frequently sighted UFO at Barraba will pick her up but she‟s not holding her breath. George from Quirindi Dear Jim, Sorry I can‟t come to your party, for I know you would call me aside and tell me to take one panadol, lose weight and come back and see you in a fortnight – it‟s cold enough in Quirindi at the moment without going to Antarctica twice!! Beryl from Quirindi Sorry I can‟t come to your party. I went to a new doctor the other day and he told me to take these tablets for the rest of my life. The problem is, there were only a dozen on the script. Have a great party. Janelle from Metz (West Hillgrove) near Armidale Would love to party with you down in the Antarctic - but the huskies are having their 100,000 klm Vet check that day, the reindeer are refusing to travel south and I seem to have misplaced my snow shoes - so won't have any suitable transport to get there. Sorry - but thanks for the invite anyway. Have a celebratory drink for me - for medicinal purposes only of course!! Nola Sorry for the late Reply. Hope you are not inconvenienced, but as you see I'm flat out at the moment what with cattle to feed,farm chores to do,and yes, don't forget Nichol's Wedding, you never know I might get an Invite. Tony It sounds like a great event, but I don't think I could party-on until the sun comes up!! John Clements Dr Jim; who is him? That I would depart for Places south, antartiarc? My problem is stark My beer will it solidify? I would be mollified for I prefer it liquefied Ms Jennifer / Ms Ingall Please apologise to Jim The place he is, is somewhat dim Carmen & Alex Dear Jim, Sorry we can‟t make your party. Our physios won‟t let us travel due to ricked backs, cricked necks, torn muscles and strained ligaments brought about by over indulgence in wild athletic sex. Have a red for us, love Carmen & Alex. Elizabeth from Tamworth To attend your function, I‟m really keen. Because down to the Antarctic,I‟ve never been The amazing wildlife, plumbing and cooking Are reasons enough to make a booking! Your emails too make it all sound so near, but it‟s a long trip down, to have a cold beer But how could I go? Could I take a flight? Alas my pockets are empty, I‟ll just have to sit tight. Never mind, cheer up, it‟s not all sad – the Morning Show is on and for that I am glad. Interviews, stories, solving riddles and the jokes Make life more interesting for a whole lot of folks. So please send us an email and let us all know “How good was that party, down there in the snow?” Barry, just driving through region to Sydney Though the days are getting shorter and shorter, And I know I really oughta As I have so much blimpage I would suffer too much shrinkage. Simone Thurtell, ABC Grandstand I can‟t go on the 21st. I don‟t know whether they will have coverage of the World Cup and there‟s a couple of good matches on that day. Richard Standley, ABC Journalist Dear Doctor Jim, Thank you for your kind invitation. Let me say we had fully intended to visit you during the celebrations but, alas, fate has intervened. So intent were we on jumping on board the family ice-breaker (while it looks like a tinny which shouldn‟t be left afloat on Keepit Dam, we had full faith in its ability to cross the Great Southern Ocean) that we began our preparations for the Deep South. In fact, to acclimatise ourselves, we camped out in our sleeping bags in front of the freezer. We kept its doors open to send cold blasts of Antarctic air into our indoor camping grounds and went to sleep. Alas, as we slept, the freezer‟s motor overheated and burst into flames. By the time were were fully cognisized of the situation, the flames had spread to the rest of the house, forcing us to flee in – well – nothing at all really (since as part of the acclimatisation process we were buck naked….which incidentally isn‟t a pretty sight particularly when great-grandmother decided she‟d like to join us and became fully involved in the acclimatisation process…..but I digress). When the volunteer fire brigade finally arrived at the homestead, they‟d been called in from the local ball and were – well – at least two sheets to the wind, and somewhat worse for wear. They‟d also brought their girlfriends along for the ride which interfered somewhat with their attempts to put out the flames. So anyway…..that‟s not why we can‟t come….. I remonstrated with the inebriates at some length - questioning (I‟m ashamed to admit) their ancestoral heritage, their mental ability and a few other very personal issues as my imagination and my vocabulary took flight. In fact, so hot was I under the collar, the drunken sots were forced to call the local police – who‟d also come from the ball and – well lets just say I hope they hadn‟t had to stop for an RBT on the way over. They then proceeded to arrest me and charged me with assault causing grievous bodily harm, damage to a fire engine, the police car and the ambulance which was called to treat the injuries I inadvertently caused to the almost comatose fire fighters as I encouraged them to train their hoses on the fire and stop playing silly beggers with their girlfriends. So here I am, serving six months at her majesty‟s pleasure… And I was so looking to catching up with you…. Yours truly, Percival sperry-grundfiddick-smythe Jennifer Ingall So sorry I cannot come My body it seems relies on sun… When it freezes over I cannot move my nose drips and I get out of my groove Chilli beer might warm me up But I have to question if that‟s enough. Penguins yes I‟d like to see, But they may be allergic to me…. I can be a cranky old hag and frankly I refuse to wee in a ziplock bag! .
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