Jimmy Kimmel Live! Writer Submission

Kelsey Amentt Nora May at 3 Arts Entertainment [email protected] 212-242-6741 Jimmy Kimmel Live Topical Jokes:

President Trump announced that he’ll be pulling the U.S. out of the Paris Climate Deal. By refusing to participate, he weakens global efforts to battle climate change. The bad news is he may end up doing more damage. The good news is he might be the ultimate Darwin Award winner.

The decision was a part of a campaign promise, however, insiders have said his love for “Finding Nemo” inspired it. Sure, they’re both orange, constantly lost and gesture with their tiny fins, but Trump’s movie would definitely be entitled, “Finding Nero”.

The only other nations that have not agreed to the Climate Deal are Syria who’s still dealing with a civil war, and Nicaragua who’s upset they’re not being taken more seriously. It’s like watching the Three Stooges of the environmental Apocalypse.

Trump’s decision to leave the Paris Climate Agreement has also messed with businesses, big and small. It’s been opposed by CEOs from Campbell’s, Citigroup, Dow Chemical, Tesla and The Walt Disney Company, and it’s officially put the Lorax out of business.

The Dakota Access Pipeline is also about to start after months of protest. Construction halted in December but then was pushed through by an executive order in January. It’s leaked once unlike the several leaks springing from the President’s mouth.

Trump then asked the Supreme Court to reinstate the travel ban because why should anyone get off of this sinking ship?

A lawyer in Mexico is taking Trump to the porcelain throne. He’s planning to launch “Trump” branded toilet paper later this year with 30% of the profits going to financing programs for migrants and Mexicans deported from America. While prospects for immigrants look bleak at least Trump’s reputation is in the shitter.

Lebanon has banned “Wonder Woman” from playing in their country because of Israeli star, Gal Gadot and her involvement and support of the Israeli military. Lebanon is currently at war with them and has a law boycotting Israeli products as well as travel and contact with the country. Guess they’re more Marvel fans anyways.

LeBron James’ home was vandalized with a racial slur on Wednesday morning reassuring other black Americans that success makes him no different. When asked about the rising trend in racial incidents since the election, Sean Spicer denied any such shift. This level of racial bias denial hasn’t been seen since last week.

Tiger Woods was found earlier this week in a damaged, running car where he was passed out. He was out of it and blamed his Vicodin prescription for his behavior. Good thing they prescribe the same medicine to kids who’ve just had their wisdom teeth removed.

A California woman is suing Jelly Belly for selling her Sports Beans, jelly beans that are advertised as a diet supplement but are higher in sugar than detailed. The term “evaporated cane juice” is the latest in an attempt to re-label high fructose corn syrup, but anyone who thinks that candy will help them lose weight was sold a bag of beans.

NASA is building a probe to “touch the sun” in 2018 in order to get a closer look of how stars work than ever before. The difference in the temperature of the sun’s corona and its surface has boggled scientists for years. Someone should have told them that they don’t need to travel farther than the white house to study a big, orange ball of gas.

Komodo dragons have a protein that may help against superbugs. Scientists have designed a synthetic chemical of their bacteria-resistant blood to fight against antibiotic- resistant strains of diseases. While that’s great news for both developing and developed countries it opens up anti-vaxxers to convincing us it will turn us into Reptilians.

The Trump administration’s new birth control coverage is practically non-existent. It allows any employer, school or insurance company to opt out of covering contraception. Even for-profit companies can deny coverage. This legislation was inspired by Hulu’s recent hit, “The Handmaid’s Tale”, which representatives took as a how-to manual.

Earlier this week, the president broke the Internet when he tweeted a nonsensical phrase at odd hours, “Despite the negative press covfefe”. Maybe his late night error was due to some “self-indulgent” business and some sticky keys.

Trump filed for an extension on his 2016 taxes. His staff has promised to release them as soon as the audit is over. Like Al Capone, hopefully, the IRS will pin him on tax evasion.

On Thursday, Comey is testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee about Trump’s campaign connections to Russia. This will be the first time the government has heard from him since he was fired. That’s going to be a really awkward exit interview.

Jimmy Kimmel Bits, Topical and Evergreen:

VROOM AND DOOM Pairs of young kids are shown the benefits and drawbacks of renewable energy versus fossil fuels by having them race each other with miniature cars. One will have a miniature water wheel or wind turbine to power their car while the other will have to pump a limited amount of gas. Meanwhile, Jimmy races them with a mini electric car as well.

GUILLERMO’S BEDTIME STORIES Guillermo retells weekly news events with a fairy tale twist. The stories range from “Trump and the Three Russian Bears” to “The Boy Who Cried Wikileak”, etc. Guillermo retells the stories like a narrator from Masterpiece Theater and with an illustrated children’s book to walk us through the events.

MIXED SIGNALS Footage of different representatives and pundits with the audio removed and a body language interpreter dropped into the corner. They “interpret” the real message behind what they’re saying after hearing the initial clip.

SING ALONG WRONG A man on the street segment where an interviewer asks participants to sing along to a popular song. They’re given a printed page of lyrics, however, the lyrics are slightly incorrect. The incorrect lyrics show at the bottom of the screen with a bouncing microphone and players are tested as to whether or not they realize the lyrics are wrong.

TRUE LIES Taking a current social or political issue of the week, pieces of footage are paired together to show the waffling, indecision, and blatant lies told by politicians, and pundits. Clips are chosen to highlight their change of opinion in a way that’s both humorous and humiliating, culminating in a tally of how many times they flip their opinions.

GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN Jimmy interviews young girls, anywhere between 3-12 years old about what they like about being girls and what they want to be when they grow up. He gives them a kind but honest reality check about the way women are treated in this country and asks them hypotheticals about how they would handle or fix the gender bias.

HOLLYWOOD REBOOT Endings to famous movies are changed to a more updated version. Scenes are edited in with Jimmy and Guillermo acting out the characters and spliced back in with scenes from the original movie. Changes can range from having cellphones, which kills the suspense of the moment to recent discoveries and news that puts the ending in a different light.