$3 Love Is For Assholes $3 The Committed Indian The REal Fan’s Program secondcityhockey.com February 14th, 2009 [email protected] FINALLY, THE HAWKS HAVE COME BACK... Thank God. To keep ourselves en- This is one of the hotter teams in Further On Up The Road tertained during this stretch our bar and pros- the league. They’re 11-5-2 since the turn of If the Hawks think they will see any- titute tabs have gotten astronomical (actually, the year, and have won eight of their last 11. thing different than the trench-warfare they the prostitute bill isn’t that bad, she cut us off They’ve done all this without their best player, got last night, they’re very much mistaken. long ago, saying she wouldn’t do “that thing” Brendan Morrow, who blew out a knee which The only difference is Dallas is better at it than anymore. Prude). At long last, there’s hockey everyone thought would end the Stars season the Blues. They play a tough, well-disciplined in Chicago again, and don’t you dare make for good. game, and probably are bigger and nastier, any jokes about the Wolves. If we wanted to But then Marty Turco decided to too. They also come with more skill, so some hang out with suburban families, we’d open a actually, y’know, show up. Tonight very well of the doofus turnovers we saw last night will fucking Applebee’s. may be Turco’s 26th straight start. He’s been end up in the net, instead off the glass. A Before the break, when the Hawks stellar at times, but mostly just solid, posting much better effort will be required. looked like Daffy Duck driving that car after a .905 SV% in those starts. But his return to We’re probably staring right at our Bugs had pulled the one pin that causes it to competence has heartened the defensemen, first round opponent tonight. Everyone else fall apart, we kept ringing the doom bell about who have gone from panicking that every mis- in the running is too schizophrenic, and the the road trip. What a long strange trip it’s take will end up with dented twine to playing Stars have the goalie, defense, and spread been (yes, we made a Dead reference. Did you a much tighter game. Strangely, the pick-up out scoring to rise above the pack. Hence, it really think we were all that cool? C’mon...). of Darryl Sydor has a lot to do with this. He’s would behoove the Hawks to win tonight, put It contained some of the Hawks best perfor- really calmed them down back there, and the Stars farther in the rearview, with games in mances San Jose, Calgary) and some of their Stephane Robidas has been playing out of his hand, and put this 4th seed to bed. worst (Vancouver, LA,). Our favorite part of mind. The first game at home after a long the trip? The sustained appearance of Captain At the other end, Brad Richards has trip is generally thought to be a real slog. But Marvel. has been a bad-ass. been lighting it up, with 11 points in his last the Hawks haven’t had any problems with Four goals in eight games, three of which have 10. Steve Ott (!) has been straight-up postal that, winning all three home encounters that been game winners. He’s been a hellion on since being put on the top line with the world- came after three or more road games. Dallas the forecheck and in his own zone and, save class annoying Mike Ribeiro. He’s got six is hardly the push-over they were earlier in the Vancouver debacle, a killer in the face-off goals in his last eight games, which might be the year, but they’re not a juggernaut either. circle. It’s pretty damn satisfying to know a sign the world is about to end. This gives While the defense is good at defending, with- that when the team clearly needed him, Toews the Stars two potent scoring lines, and there’s out Zubov there are no puck-movers here. A decided to put a Red Foreman-like foot in the still longtime nemesis Mr. Willa Ford floating dedicated forecheck should result in a fair opponent’s ass. down there on the third line. amount of chances, it’s just a matter of bury- What we didn’t like? The PK. Simply ing them. -Tom Swift brutal. Turnovers, running around, missed clearances, it was a smorgasbord of silliness, and let them down again last night. This is far more worrying than the Hawks’ problem with face-offs. You can’t make it to May if you can’t kill a Oh, another thing that made us smile? Byfuglien’s lazy, useless dumb ass was put in the pressbox. If we’re ever going to get a spark from him, this will do it. We’re not counting on it though, and hopefully he’ll find a new home come the March 4th deadline. There are a lot of dumb GM’s out there, you never know. Have You Seen Dallas From A DC-9 At Night? To tonight’s encounter, then. Last time Dallas was in town, they were a mess of broken-condom proportions. Avery was wreaking havoc, Turco was a cubist’s repre- sentation of anarchy in net, and their defense was not much better. So much has changed. It can’t all be pinned on Mr. Vogue (let your body move to the mus....sorry, we can’t help it. We love that song. What of it?), but clearly his departure lifted a huge weight off of this team. The Committed Indian contains foul language, jokes of a sexual nature, and a fair share of sarcasm. Keep it away from your kids, unless you want them to be cool. FROM THE EDITOR

-I remember the day the Hawks traded for Martin Havlat. I was fly- cal contact (we make a joke about it on the back page, even). But ing back from the World Cup in Germany, and was looking forward wouldn’t you be if you thought the wind from a girl blowing out to recovering from the full body breakdown I had just put myself her birthday candles would end your season? Possibly your career? through in Europe. I got a voicemail from my brother stating the Frankly, Havlat had every right to not be on the ice, but was any- Hawks had traded Mark Bell (!) for a player I had way. Maybe the criticism Havlat got was born out of just watched light up the playoffs with 7 goals in the frustration we all felt at not seeing everything he 10 games. He was rumored to be the hottest trade was capable of, which we knew to be a lot. property around, as there was no way the Sens could Finally, this offseason, Havlat got the surgery resign him. Never did I contemplate that the Hawks he probably should have had long ago, and for the would be the team to land him, as they were NEVER past couple months we have seen probably the best the team that landed a preeminent asset. Ever. When hockey of his career. Havlat is still the most talented it turned out to be true, I knew there was a small player on the team, and a genuine game-breaker. chance things could turn around, because for the first When no one else has been scoring, Havlat has car- time in years, the Hawks had a genuine star. ried this team, just like the star I always thought he Marty’s first eight games here were as about was. When the season started, I was eyeing his sal- as an exciting a stretch as any Hawk has put together Sam Fels ary as cap space to be cleared, Now, I sincerely hope in my lifetime. He looked like he would score on he can be resigned at a reasonable price, because every shift. He was throwing up multiple point games like I throw there just aren’t too many players out there capable of this level. up Jameson after #7 or so. But then the first of many inju- ries came, and though there were some stretches that season that -For some reason, people are airing their grievances to me about resembled the first, it wasn’t quite as exciting. how much they hate the Hawks -song. I do too, so it’s time we Since then, Marty’s gotten a rough ride from Hawks fans, do something about it. On our blog, secondcityhockey.com, tonight and I don’t know that I’ve ever understood why. It was clear he there is a post asking for suggestions. Let’s collect some, and then was playing through injuries for all of last season, and for most of bother Tom O’Grady, who’s in charge of Game Presentation. I’m the one before that. Some claimed he was lazy or scared of physi- sure we can find his breaking point on this subject. NHL STANDINGS

Eastern Conference Western Conference

W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY 1 Boston 39 10 7 85 190 127 19-4-4 20-6-3 1 San Jose 37 7 9 83 183 129 23-2-3 14-5-6 2 New Jersey 36 17 3 75 173 136 18-10-1 18-7-2 2 Puke 37 12 7 81 210 162 20-4-2 17-8-5 3 Washington 34 16 5 73 182 160 22-4-1 12-12-4 3 Calgary 32 18 5 69 171 160 20-7-3 12-11-2 4 Montreal 30 20 6 66 170 168 17-6-4 13-14-2 4 HAWKS 30 15 8 68 175 135 14-4-5 16-11-3 5 NY Rangers 30 20 6 66 141 155 17-8-3 13-12-3 5 Dallas 27 20 7 61 164 166 16-7-4 11-13-3 6 Philadelphia 28 16 9 65 169 158 15-7-3 13-9-6 6 Anaheim 28 24 5 61 159 158 15-11-3 13-13-2 7 Florida 28 19 8 64 158 151 15-6-5 13-13-3 7 Vancouver 26 21 8 60 165 161 13-11-4 13-10-4 8 Buffalo 29 21 6 64 168 156 16-10-2 13-11-4 8 Minnesota 28 23 3 59 139 124 17-10-3 11-13-0 9 Carolina 27 23 5 59 142 161 14-11-1 13-12-4 9 Columbus 27 23 5 59 148 154 18-9-1 9-14-4 10 27 24 5 59 169 169 15-12-2 12-12-3 10 Edmonton 27 23 4 58 153 168 13-11-3 14-12-1 11 Toronto 20 25 10 50 165 204 9-10-6 11-15-4 11 Los Angeles 24 22 7 55 138 147 13-12-6 11-10-1 12 Tampa Bay 19 25 11 49 141 171 10-10-7 9-15-4 12 Nashville 26 26 3 55 135 156 15-10-1 11-16-2 13 Ottawa 20 25 8 48 130 152 12-9-5 8-16-3 13 Phoenix 25 26 5 55 140 168 16-10-2 9-16-3 14 Atlanta 19 32 5 43 157 194 9-17-2 10-15-3 14 St. Louis 23 25 7 53 158 171 14-11-4 9-14-3 15 NY Islanders 16 32 6 38 133 182 10-12-4 6-20-2 15 Colorado 25 30 1 51 150 173 16-14-0 9-16-1

TOP 10 LIST PUCK DROP Stephane Rub-a-dub- Top 10 Things Sean Avery Wanted To Say, But Didn’t dub, D, Dallas: We 10. “I hope Dion doesn’t mind cold-sores.” listened as everyone told 9. “Someone tell Dion that ‘back-massager’ on Elisha’s nightstand has us what a solid warrior Robidas was. We were been in my ass.” sure they weren’t talking 8. “I wish Ms. Cuthbert and Mr. Phaneuf all the best, but there’s no way he about the guy who wore can pick out her clothes as well as I did.” the Indian Head for 45 7. “Dion, ask her to give you a ‘Jack Bauer Interrogation’. You won’t be games, showed on oc- able to walk the next morning.” casional flash but also could be a car-crash, 6. “I’m sure the Canadian press would have been more upset if I just said and had us yelling, “Frog pussy!” a la Slap- Phaneuf was overrated.” shot. Well, they were, and this year they’re 5. “I know one thing, Dion’s the better actress.” right. Robidas is having his most solid season, 4. “And Elisha’s better in her own end, literally and figuratively.” leading the league in Behind the Net Ratings 3. “Brett put it in my contract that I get to watch you and your wife, Mike.” amongst d-men who have played 40+ games, and is going to set a career high in points. He 2. “Dion, you’ll have to keep telling her how good The Girl Next Door was, also has been ridiculously tough, playing with or she’ll never leave the house.” broken facial parts and severed limbs. Proving 1. “Two words: Wet Noodle” once again that patience is the most important quality when evaluating defensemen. 30-15-8

Gonna have a whole lot of fun with Behind The Net numbers tonight. As you’ll see, Toews has jumped up on the Corsi rating to 2nd behind Wiz, which lets you know just how good he was on the trip, as before he as middle of the pack.

# Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary (Cap Hit) 88 R 5'10" 187 20 50 17 29 46 -2 34 9 0 2 149 11.4 $3,725,000 24 R The Perfect Beard 6'2" 217 27 52 17 25 42 11 18 5 0 2 149 11.4 $6,000,000 32 L VerStud 5'10" 180 22 49 15 26 41 17 47 4 4 2 84 17.9 $491,667 19 C Captain Marvel 6'2" 209 20 52 17 23 40 7 33 5 0 6 121 14 $2,800,000 10 L The Sharp-Shooter 6'1" 197 27 52 23 15 38 2 39 8 0 4 161 14.3 $3,900,000 51 D 51 Phantom 6'0" 188 29 52 7 30 37 7 12 4 0 1 69 10.1 $7,142,875 36 C Dave Bolland 6'0" 188 22 52 12 21 33 17 20 0 2 3 66 18.2 $845,833 16 L Nails 6'2" 198 23 52 9 23 32 20 18 0 0 0 121 7.4 $1,550,000 2 D Duncan Keith 6'1" 194 25 48 6 23 29 26 32 2 1 1 102 5.9 $1,475,000 25 D Cam Barker 6'3" 213 22 39 4 21 25 -5 41 4 0 1 44 9.1 $2,768,587 33 R Dustin Byfuglien 6'3" 247 23 48 9 10 19 1 59 3 0 2 123 7.3 $3,000,000 22 R Troy Brouwer 6'2" 213 23 43 7 10 17 10 36 3 1 0 77 9.1 $675,000 7 D Brent Seabrook 6'3" 220 23 52 5 10 15 13 45 2 1 0 84 6 $3,500,000 46 C Colin Fraser 6'1" 188 23 52 4 9 13 5 44 0 0 0 39 10.3 $500,000 55 L Ben Eager 6'2" 220 24 48 8 4 12 6 95 0 0 0 52 15.4 $568,000 43 D James Wisniewski 6'0" 207 24 22 1 7 8 5 10 0 0 0 49 2 $900,000 23 D Aaron Johnson 6'1" 211 25 27 3 5 8 18 24 0 0 1 20 15 $600,000 8 D Matt Walker 6'3" 214 28 40 0 8 8 13 51 0 0 0 50 0 $600,000 37 R Adam Burish 6'1" 189 26 36 5 2 7 5 62 0 0 2 52 9.6 $712,500 28 R Craig Adams 6'0" 197 31 30 2 4 6 -1 18 1 0 0 32 6.3 $600,000 5 D Brent Sopel* 6'1" 211 32 23 1 1 2 -4 8 0 0 1 15 6.7 $2,333,333 Totals/Averages 6'1" 203.75 24.38 173 306 755 50 9 1674 10.33% $44,119,795

*injured We didn’t believe it either, but according to Behind The Net, Cam Barker is the best d-man on the power play IN THE ENTIRE LEAGUE. Make of it what you will, if you can, because we certainly can’t. # Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 39 6'1" 209 36 29 1673 2.37 17 5 5 1 870 66 0.924 0 2 6 $6,750,000 38 Cristobal Huet 6'1" 205 33 26 1471 2.41 13 9 3 2 684 59 0.914 0 0 0 $5,625,000 31 Antii Niemi 6’2” 204 25 29* 1580* 2.59* 13* 12* 2* 2* 722* 65* 0.917* 0 0 0 $488,000 Totals/Averages 6'1" 207 34 3144 2.39 30 14 8 3 1554 125 0.919 0 2 6 $12,375,000 * in Rockford TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $57,283,000 Nice to see Burish has perfected the Mike Ricci-really-annoying goal celebration. has perfected to see Burish Nice playoffs. royally in the This will piss someone off CAP SPACE: $274,000* Probable Pairings Probable Lines *space also affected by buyouts and injured players Left Wing Center Right Wing 2 Keith 7 Seabrook 22 Brouwer 19 Toews 10 Sharp 51 Campbell 8 Walker Injury List Brent Sopel- Out (Talent) 43 Wisniewski 25 Barker 16 Ladd 36 Bolland 24 Havlat Nikolai Khabibulin-Questionable (groin?) 33 Byfuglien 32 Versteeg 88 Kane 37 Burish 46 Fraser 55 Eager

16 years ago, David Stern sent me to ruin the NHL. I have done every- thing I can think of to drive the core I am so close to completing the task fan away, strip hockey of all that’s Stern charged me with.... great about it, and eliminate any at- tention by the mainstream media...

Hicks’s PRicks with Sticks 27-20-7

up 46 points and are a +18. This already matches his career high for a season. But as our Know Thy Enemy section will point In the 12 games since Ott joined Lehtinen and Ribeiro, trio have put out, Ott put up two 40-goal seasons in juniors, so there’s always been some skill.

# Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary (Cap Hit) 63 C Mike Ribeiro 6' 0" 178 28 54 13 36 49 -4 22 5 0 1 107 12.1 $5,000,000 91 C Brad Richards 6' 0" 192 28 53 15 32 47 -2 6 5 0 2 173 8.7 $7,800,000 21 L 6' 1" 183 54 54 26 14 40 10 6 4 1 3 123 21.1 $1,500,000 9 C 6' 3" 210 54 54 14 22 36 2 32 3 0 3 134 10.4 $2,250,000 18 L 6' 2" 185 49 49 18 10 28 -4 33 7 0 2 115 15.7 $635,000 5 D Matt Niskanen 6' 0" 194 52 52 4 21 25 -5 36 2 0 0 67 6 $635,000 29 L Steve Ott 6' 0" 193 26 38 11 13 24 1 81 4 0 0 66 16.7 $1,350,000 26 R Jere Lehtinen 6' 0" 195 35 26 6 14 20 6 6 2 0 1 69 8.7 $4,000,000 3 D Stéphane Robidas 5' 11" 190 51 51 2 18 20 14 58 1 0 0 105 1.9 $1,500,000 6 D Trevor Daley 5' 11" 207 54 54 6 13 19 7 40 0 0 1 77 7.8 $2,100,000 96 L Fabian Brunnstrom 6' 2" 203 23 34 11 6 17 -8 2 2 0 4 48 22.9 $2,177,000 10 L Brenden Morrow* 5' 11" 205 18 18 5 10 15 -4 49 2 0 0 52 9.6 $4,100,000 55 D Darryl Sydor 6' 1" 511 36 45 2 9 11 6 12 0 0 0 44 4.5 $1,989,000 37 R Mark Parrish 5' 11" 199 32 32 7 4 11 -1 8 4 0 3 37 18.9 $427,000 17 C Toby Petersen 5' 10" 197 52 52 4 7 11 3 12 0 0 0 72 5.6 $550,000 20 C Brian Sutherby 6' 3" 209 39 39 6 3 9 3 37 0 1 0 39 15.4 $452,000 22 R * 6' 3" 224 33 19 2 6 8 6 19 0 0 0 25 8 $423,000 13 R Krystofer Barch 6' 2" 220 54 54 3 5 8 -1 89 0 0 1 17 17.6 $575,000 2 D Nicklas Grossman 6' 3" 206 53 53 1 6 7 -5 35 0 0 0 39 2.6 $975,000 39 C Joel Lundqvist 6' 1" 194 26 25 1 4 5 0 10 0 0 1 17 5.9 $725,000 27 D Andrew Hutchinson 6' 2" 206 28 32 1 3 4 -5 8 0 0 0 36 2.8 $396,000 33 D Doug Janik 6' 2" 211 28 13 0 1 1 -2 2 0 0 0 1 0 $500,000 Totals/Averages 6' 1" 214.18 38.7 163 275 692 41 2 1555 10.48% $49,417,000 In this 25 straight starts stretch Turco is in, he’s 16-6-3.

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 35 Marty Turco 5' 11" 185 33 51 3013 2.81 26 18 7 2 1350 141 0.896 0 4 8 $5,700,000 31 Tobias Stephan 6' 2" 180 24 7 269 3.35 1 2 0 0 133 15 0.887 0 1 0 $485,000 6' 0" 182.5 28.5 3282 3.08 27 20 7 2 1483 156 0.894 0 5 8 $6,185,000 TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $55,608,000 ** injured CAP SPACE: $1,926,000* Probable Lines Probable Pairings *space also affected by buyouts and injured players Left Wing Center Right Wing 3 Robidas 6 Daley Injury List 29 Ott 63 Ribeiro 26 Lehtinen 55 Sydor 5 Niskanen Sergie Zubov-Out (Hip) 21 Eriksson 91 Richards 20 Sutherby 2 Grossman 27 Hutchinson Brendan Morrow-Out (Knee) Landon Wilson-Out (Ribs) 18 Neal 9 Modano 96 Brunnstrom 17 Peterson 39 Lundqvist 13 Barch

...IS THIS THE YEAR? As if we could resist a valentine’s day edition of... ASK THE ICE CREW!!

What’s your favorite part of Valentine’s Day?

You know what it The color. Only EVERYTHING! is, bizz-nitch. It’s time you see Amer- I love getting the only damn day ica draped in Red, candy and jew- of the year peeps the color of Mother elry and roses be appreciatin’ Russia, the color of and wine and chocolate. White victory, the color being taken to bitches, gay muth- of your superiors! dinner at some afucka’s, every- You confuse red expensive place body need some with caring and with small por- chocolate love. love, but red is for tions where all That’s da way it ruthless efficiency my friends can should always be. and crushing see me with my SHEEEEIIIIITTT! capitalism, and the hunky BF Tyler! blood of Lenin!

Have we lost the true meaning of Valentine’s Day under the avalanche of materialism?

Da fuck you talkin’ Is symptamatic of about?! Usin’ big your veak American words and shit, try ideals that you eq- and fuck a sista’ vate material things up, fuck dat. Da with personal worth, real meaning of unlike we Russians Um, what? Valentine’s day is who equate how cold Al Capone blastin’ and drunk we are to fools. That’s how personal worth. you celebrate, POP- Look into Putin’s POP nigga’!! SSSHH- soul! HEEEEEEIIIIIIIITTT!

What is true love, to you?

“I got fat bags of skunk, I got White Russia too strong for Owl blunts and love. You veaklings I’m about to go get need it, to shelter you from real world, lifted! I got myself A doctor with to feel special, but a 40, I got msyelf a big 401k. a shorty and I’m you not special. about to go and You’re veak! Russia stick it!” That’s strong! Ovechkin is love! M-E-T-H-O-D! God! SHEEEEEIT! The Fight Card HAWKS vs. STARS Fight Stats provided by Hockeyfights.com

GAME FIGHT TIME Bloody Black Bruised Just Analysis Nose Eye Ego Dancing 2-28-08 Burish v. 3rd. Burish runs at Ribeiro, living out everyone’s Morrow 15:18 fantasy, and Morrow pummels him out of √ √ jealousy that he can’t do the same. 2-28-08 Seabrook v. 3rd. Nothing more than Ott sampling Biscuit’s Ott 14:48 √ body spray. Draw. 10-13-07 Koci v. 2nd. Whatever. Barch 13:07 √ 10-13-07 K. Adams v. 1st. Daley retalliates to Adams hurting Zubov’s Daley 19:26 throbbing vagina, and does so poorly. Adams √ in decision.

What To Watch For: Probably less than normal, especially as this is about the time the games start to really count and they get tight. Though they have a reputation of being ornery, the Stars don’t engage in the Sweet Science as often as you’d think. Two of their main antagonists, B.J. Crombeen and Sean Avery, have new mailing addresses now. Steve Ott -- who could prob- ably piss off Mother Theresa, in her current state -- is seeing time on the top line, so he might be more worried about denting the net than someone’s face. Maybe a scrap comes from the Hawks excitement at being home again. Expect Burish to try.

Power Play Penalty Kill Team Opp PPG PP% Team OPP PPG PP% Team TS PPGA PK% Team TS PPGA PK% DET 244 65 26.6 CGY 252 47 18.6 MIN 193 25 87 ANA 275 51 81.4 SJS 241 58 24.1 LAK 236 43 18.2 NYR 225 30 86.7 CBJ 234 44 81.2 PHI 205 49 23.9 NYI 219 39 17.8 CGY 243 34 86 CHI 222 42 81.1 WSH 231 54 23.4 EDM 244 43 17.6 SJS 199 30 84.9 TBL 271 52 80.8 BOS 217 49 22.6 DAL 236 41 17.4 NSH 251 39 84.5 PIT 232 46 80.2 CHI 226 50 22.1 COL 229 39 17 BUF 228 37 83.8 WSH 265 54 79.6 ANA 218 48 22 TBL 239 40 16.7 OTT 231 39 83.1 CAR 206 42 79.6 STL 239 52 21.8 CAR 247 41 16.6 PHI 271 46 83 PHX 216 45 79.2 MIN 225 47 20.9 PIT 246 40 16.3 LAK 235 41 82.6 COL 210 45 78.6 BUF 253 52 20.6 MTL 259 41 15.8 NJD 221 39 82.4 DAL 209 45 78.5 TOR 225 45 20 FLA 211 33 15.6 BOS 202 36 82.2 VAN 254 55 78.4 VAN 242 46 19 NYR 236 33 14 FLA 223 40 82.1 DET 235 52 77.9 NJD 200 38 19 NSH 223 31 13.9 MTL 250 45 82 EDM 229 53 76.9 ATL 227 43 18.9 PHX 238 33 13.9 NYI 241 44 81.7 ATL 235 57 75.7 OTT 223 42 18.8 CBJ 232 27 11.6 STL 246 45 81.7 TOR 211 56 73.5 Spotlight

Brett Hull

One day, executives of sports teams will learn that just because you’re on TV, that doesn’t automatically mean you know anything about the sport you cover. We would have thought everyone learned their lesson with Matt Millen and the Lions. Steve Phillips’s continued blatherings about baseball on ESPN would be another prime example. Further evidence is Steve Kerr’s 10-car pile-up with the Phoe- nix Suns. But this is a mistake that people keep making, and probably always will. The Stars nearly torpedoed their franchise with the hiring of as co-GM. Before we get to Hull’s abortion of a signing of Sean Avery, you also must look at their dogged pursuit of Fabian Brunnstrom, a player the Stars had to give $2.5 million because he was the leading scorer in Sweden. Ask Hawks fans what they say when they hear of a player lighting it up in a Scandinavian league, and you’ll hear, “TONY FUCKING SALMELAINEN!”. Turned out Brunnstrom was the WORST player in the league in his own zone, and eventually became so helpless they had to send him down. But obviously, the coup-de-gras was Avery. We’re not sure who in his right mind would look at a team with Morrow and Ott already on it and decide, “This team needs more jam.” Then again, no one would argue that Hull is in his right mind. There was no strong, veteran pres- ence -- like Shanahan in New York -- to keep Avery in check. Modano isn’t all that vocal, as he’s probably day dreaming about fucking his wife (who wouldn’t?). There’s no way a GM can spend enough time in the dressing room to keep an eye on a loose cannon without generating some serious problems. So that loose cannon went off, the Stars will have cap problems for years, and it’s taken a miraculous run to save their season. Well done, Mr. Hull. No wonder they took away the keys.

The Committed Indian is printed by Royal Omega Graphics- Elk Grove, IL 847-952-8000 [email protected] KNOW THY ENEMY

Tonight, Brandon from Defending Big D (www.defendingbigd.com) answers our power play, in Brenden Morrow’s old spot, and has shown a knack for finding questions about the team from Texas. loose pucks as well as some getting some incredible deflections. He has become his own version of Morrow, and that’s not a bad thing at all. Q: The last time we saw Dallas here in Chicago, you guys were a mess. Now you’re looking like our first round opponent. What happened? Even with Zubov, your blue-line corps looks a little suspect. But it’s obvi- A: The easy answer is to say we got rid of the cancer that is Sean Avery. I was ously working. What don’t we know about it? against that signing from the start, especially since we have a better, more team- Well, they starting off the season pretty damn shitty. No coverage in front of the mate friendly version of Avery in Steve Ott. net, no ability whatsoever to clear out space in front, bad turnovers, couldn’t stop The Stars have learned to band together as a team and are playing as the odd-man rush....it was horrible and depressing to watch as a Stars fan. one cohesive unit, instead of a bunch of individuals on the ice. Avery encouraged Then the Stars traded for Darryl Sydor. That changed things pretty individualism and put himself above the team. That doesn’t fly on a team like quickly. He plays with Niskanen, which has settled him down, and has instilled Dallas. his style of gritty, steady defense in the rest of the guys on the blue line. Trevor Marty Turco also decided that he was going to use the first two months Daley has stepped up his play and Stephane Robidas has become a damn good of the season to re-learn how to play goalie. At points, it looked like he was a defensemen, as well as the toughest motherfucker in the NHL. I’ll defend that to fat, North Dallas socialite stuffed into goalie pads, desperately flopping around my grave. the crease like a beached whale. The past few months -- and especially the past three weeks -- Turco has been outstanding. He’s played 24 straight games with a Turco was abysmal earlier in the season, and though he’s played much better 2.37 GAA and doesn’t seem to show any signs of slowing down. Put those two there’s still be the occasional hiccup. He’s 33 now, can he hold up over the together and you have a pretty damn good run up the standings. rest of the season, as we’re not sure Tobias Stephan actually exists? Well, he’s played 24 straight and has looked great doing so. He’s played in 75 Loui Eriksson already has 11 more goals than he has had in any season. Was games before but that was five years ago. Marty Turco is known for being one this always expected of him, or a surprise? the best overall athletes in the NHL. He takes remarkably good care of himself We started to see flashes of it last season. While he only had 14 goals during the and has yet to show any sort of fatigue while playing 98% of the games this season last year, he kind of broke out with 4 goals in the playoffs and started to season. However, he needs some rest at some point. Unfortunately, with the Stars flash signs of what was to come. Playing on a line with Brad Richards changes locked in such a tight playoff race I doubt he misses many games at all. I think a lot as well. Richards is adept at creating scoring chances and knows exactly he’ll hold up, but he will need some rest eventually. where the puck needs to go in order for others to make a play. Eriksson is the finisher that compliments Richards and the two work exceptionally well together. Is there any worry that the Stars may peak too early, or have had to put on His +9 rating also shows that he is far from a defensive liability. He’s going to be such a rush to get in this position that come April there won’t be much left? a big part of this team for a few years. It’s tough to tell at this point. The Stars have been steadily improving since De- cember and I think they are playing with a ton of confidence right now as a team. Steve Ott also has been lighting the lamp at an alarming rate recently. Seri- That can take you a great distance when things get hairy. The month of March ously, what the fuck are you guys putting in the water? will be the big test when they pretty much play every other day. When you’re Here’s the thing with Ott: He has always been an offensive guy, putting up some playing well as a team, are confident and even more importantly you’re win- incredible numbers in the OHL before being called up to the Stars. When Ott first ning....the stretch doesn’t tire you out as much as it’s supposed to. The team rides starting playing for Dallas, the team was full of scorers and pretty boys making the wave and tries to ignore the occasional bump in the road. The Stars have a the big bucks and Ott had to work his way up from the fourth line. He did that by great record in the past 15 games, but are 3-2-0 in their last five. They need to becoming the biggest asshole he possibly could. He perfected the art of the agita- bounce back and move on and win a few more in a row to keep that wave moving tor, learning how to insult the opponent in any language possible. The great thing steadily. Have they peaked? Who knows...but we’ll find out sometime in April. about Ott is that he is the type of agitator teams hate playing against, yet would love to have as a teammate. He is painfully loyal to his team and goes at 100% each shift, and energizes his team with the hustle he shows on the ice. Putting Ott on the Ribeiro line has proven to be a genius move by . Ott creates spaces for his line and wrecks havoc all over the ice, opening things up for Ribeiro and Lehtinen. What’s even better is that Ott now has the chance to show off his offensive skills as well. He is playing on the

Hawks-STARS: the Last 4

Nov. 20th, 2008: Hawks 6, Stars 3 Oct. 31st, 2008: Stars 2, Hawks 5 Hawks turn in a dominant 3rd period, VerStud In the ultimate insult, Brent Sopel scores the winner scores goal-of-the-year candidate, and Kane pots with a blast from the point in the 2nd, then Ladd and twice to lead the Hawks over the sinking Dallas Buff net twice in two minutes to put it away. Kane ship. has three points on the night The Indian debuts, and the world hasn’t been the same since.

Feb. 28th, 2008: Hawks, 4, Stars 7 Jan. 9th, 2008: Stars 3, Hawks 1 Brad Richards makes his Stars debut after deadline In the middle of a Hawks 10-game winless streak, trade from Tampa, and Hawks manage to hold him Byfuglien turnover leads to SH Stu Barnes winner to only 5 assists. Niklas Hagman was the direct late in 3rd. Kane misses a penalty shot, back when beneficiary, netting a hat trick. All in all, a night to that was a rarity. Khabby lets in a softie from Eriks- forget. son, ruining what was otherwise a strong effort. Hockey Sabermetrics CHICAGO Every game, we provide you with the Behind The Net numbers. These are at even strength, 5-on-5. Key: QUALCOMP- A measure of the quality of competition each player faces on the ice. Calculated by averaging +/-/60 for opponents on the ice against player. QUALTEAM- A measure of the quality of teammates each player plays with. Calcu- lated by averaging +/-/60 for teammates on ice with player. TOI/60- Time on ice, per 60 minutes, that player spends on ice at full-strength. GFON/60, GAON/60- Goals for and against team per 60 min. player is on ice +/-ON/60- Team’s Plus/minus, per 60 minutes, while player is on ice. +/-OFF/60- Plus/minus of team while player is off ice, per 60 minutes. RATING- +/-ON/60 subtracted by +/-OFF/60. NAME QUALCOMP QUALTEAM TOI/60 GFON/60 GAON/60 +-ON/60 GFOFF/60 GAOFF/60 +-OFF/60 RATING Aaron Johnson -0.03 -0.08 11.85 4.12 1.31 2.81 2.25 1.84 0.41 2.4 Andrew Ladd 0.08 0.14 12.68 3.64 2 1.64 2.39 1.97 0.42 1.22 Duncan Keith 0.07 0 18.57 3.3 1.88 1.41 2.64 2.18 0.46 0.95 Dave Bolland 0.1 0.22 12.38 3.54 2.24 1.3 2.44 1.88 0.56 0.75 Matt Walker -0.05 -0.08 13.48 2.89 1.56 1.33 2.5 1.9 0.6 0.73 Adam Burish -0.07 0.06 7.07 2.83 1.41 1.41 2.74 1.99 0.75 0.66 Troy Brouwer 0 -0.2 11.33 2.46 1.36 1.11 2.79 2.02 0.77 0.34 Martin Havlat 0.04 0.14 13.33 3.2 2.25 0.95 2.55 1.87 0.68 0.27 Ben Eager -0.12 -0.03 7.96 2.36 1.26 1.1 2.9 2.03 0.87 0.23 Colin Fraser -0.11 -0.01 7.77 2.52 1.63 0.89 2.79 2.05 0.73 0.16 Kris Versteeg 0.05 -0.2 12.4 2.86 2.07 0.79 2.75 2.04 0.71 0.08 James Wisniewski 0 0 14.81 2.03 1.29 0.74 2.77 1.96 0.8 -0.07 -0.02 -0.1 17.64 2.88 2.29 0.59 2.65 1.78 0.87 -0.28 Brent Seabrook 0.08 0.26 16.71 2.49 1.93 0.55 2.89 2.01 0.88 -0.33 Jonathsn Toews 0.04 -0.13 13.13 2.81 2.29 0.53 2.71 1.86 0.86 -0.33 Patrick Kane 0.03 -0.13 13.93 2.58 2.41 0.17 2.61 1.85 0.76 -0.58 Dustin Byfuglien -0.02 0.06 12.05 1.87 1.56 0.31 3.11 2.16 0.95 -0.64 -0.02 -0.05 13.54 2.56 2.3 0.26 2.82 1.84 0.98 -0.72 Craig Adams -0.16 0.06 8.01 1.5 1.5 0 3.17 2.13 1.04 -1.04 Brent Sopel -0.09 0.07 10.89 2.16 3.11 -0.96 3.22 2.25 0.97 -1.93 Cam Barker -0.03 -0.06 13.76 2.01 2.57 -0.56 2.97 1.58 1.39 -1.95

Corsi Rating Penalties Drawn Face-offs Shots attempted for a team vs. how many are Player Face-Offs Taken FO% attempted against while a given player is on vs. Taken the ice, per 60 min. Pretty self-explanatory. A measure of penalties Jonathan Toews 806 53.0 drawn vs. taken, per 60 min. NAME CORSI Colin Fraser 548 46.4 NAME PDRAW/60 PTAKE/60 James Wisniewski 21.9 Patrick Sharp 556 46.0 Kris Versteeg 1.7 0.8 Jonathan Toews 13.6 Dave Bolland 734 43.0 Adam Burish 1.6 1.2 Adam Burish 12.2 Kris Versteeg 117 42.7 Patrick Kane 1.5 1.1 Troy Brouwer 11.9 Total Rank: 29th 46.6 Craig Adams 1.5 1 Brian Campbell 11.8 Troy Brouwer 1.4 0.9 Power Play Ratings Penalty Kill Ratings Patrick Sharp 11.8 This is a measure of a team’s This measures how many goals a Patrick Sharp 1.4 0.9 Martin Havlat 11.3 goals-for per 60 minutes of player team gives up per 60 minutes the Ben Eager 1.3 2.5 being on the ice on the power play. player is on the ice on the PK. Andrew Ladd 10.2 Colin Fraser 1.3 0.6 Player GFON/60 Kris Versteeg 10 Player GA/60 Dave Bolland 1.2 0.6 Brent Seabrook 9.7 Cam Barker 12.56 Andrew Ladd 4.55 Andrew Ladd 1 0.6 Dustin Byfuglien 9.5 Patrick Sharp 8.78 Adam Burish 4.96 Martin Havlat 1 0.6 Duncan Keith 9.4 Patrick Kane 8.6 Brent Seabrook 5.59 Jonathan Toews 1 0.6 Patrick Kane 9.1 Dustin Byfuglien 8.31 Aaron Johnson 5.73 Dustin Byfuglien 0.9 1.6 Cam Barker 8.9 Brian Campbell 8.19 Duncan Keith 6.01 James Wisniewski 0.7 0.6 Aaron Johnson 8.8 Jonathan Toews 8.1 Brent Sopel 6.43 Brian Campbell 0.6 0.3 Dave Bolland 7.7 Brent Seabrook 6.81 Matt Walker 7.01 Brent Sopel 0.5 1 Ben Eager 6 Kris Versteeg 6.81 Colin Fraser 7.23 Aaron Johnson 0.4 2.1 Matt Walker 5.1 Martin Havlat 6.75 Dave Bolland 7.71 Matt Walker 0.4 0.4 Colin Fraser 2.1 Duncan Keith 6.67 James Wisniewski 7.72 Duncan Keith 0.2 0.7 James Wisniewski 5.27 Kris Versteeg 7.95 Hockey Sabermetrics DALLAS Every game, we provide you with the Behind The Net numbers. These are at even strength, 5-on-5. Key: QUALCOMP- A measure of the quality of competition each player faces on the ice. Calculated by averaging +/-/60 for opponents on the ice against player. QUALTEAM- A measure of the quality of teammates each player plays with. Calcu- lated by averaging +/-/60 for teammates on ice with player. TOI/60- Time on ice, per 60 minutes, that player spends on ice at full-strength. GFON/60, GAON/60- Goals for and against team per 60 min. player is on ice +/-ON/60- Team’s Plus/minus, per 60 minutes, while player is on ice. +/-OFF/60- Plus/minus of team while player is off ice, per 60 minutes. RATING- +/-ON/60 subtracted by +/-OFF/60. NAME QUALCOMP QUALTEAM TOI/60 GFON/60 GAON/60 +-ON/60 GFOFF/60 GAOFF/60 +-OFF/60 RATING Stephane Robidas 0.08 0.05 17.06 3.17 2.04 1.13 2.59 3.14 -0.55 1.68 Jere Lehtinen 0.12 0.07 13.12 3.29 1.83 1.46 2.45 2.02 0.43 1.03 Trevor Daley 0.08 0.17 17.42 2.66 2.14 0.52 2.79 3.03 -0.24 0.76 Toby Peterson -0.05 -0.05 9.39 2.63 2.26 0.38 2.78 2.84 -0.07 0.44 Mike Madano 0.07 0.05 12.02 3.11 2.83 0.28 2.61 2.64 -0.03 0.32 Loui Eriksson 0.08 -0.11 13.96 3.08 2.92 0.16 2.59 2.59 0 0.16 Mark Parrish -0.03 -0.1 9.87 1.9 2.09 -0.19 2.51 2.77 -0.26 0.07 Brian Sutherby -0.04 0.07 8.07 2.74 2.15 0.59 2.8 2.25 0.55 0.03 Mike Ribeiro 0 0.08 14.62 2.87 2.87 0 2.68 2.61 0.07 -0.07 James Neal 0.05 0.08 12.44 2.71 2.81 -0.1 2.83 2.75 0.08 -0.18 Steve Ott 0.03 0.12 13.15 2.96 2.71 0.25 2.57 2.11 0.45 -0.21 Krys Barch -0.1 0.12 6.59 2.06 2.23 -0.17 2.86 2.77 0.09 -0.26 Darryl Sydor 0 -0.11 14.32 3.05 2.76 0.29 2.78 2.18 0.6 -0.31 Nicklas Grossman 0.01 0.05 14.54 2.06 2.54 -0.48 3.02 2.8 0.22 -0.7 Joel Lundqvist -0.04 -0.1 10.02 1.5 1.75 -0.25 3.29 2.8 0.49 -0.74 Matt Niskanen 0.01 -0.05 14.82 3.25 3.73 -0.48 2.49 2.19 0.31 -0.78 A. Hutchinson -0.05 -0.12 12.2 1.74 2.22 -0.48 2.88 2.32 0.56 -1.04 Brad Richards 0.07 0.08 13.64 2.88 3.55 -0.68 2.68 2.25 0.44 -1.11 Fabian Brunnstrom -0.09 -0.08 9.39 2.71 4.07 -1.36 3.09 2.74 0.35 -1.71

Corsi Rating Penalties Drawn Face-offs This measures how many shots are attempted Player Face-Offs Taken FO% for a team vs. how many are attempted against vs. Taken Mike Madano 722 51.9 while a given player is on the ice, per 60 min. Pretty self-explanatory. A measure of penalties drawn vs. taken, per 60 min. Brad Richards 864 50.9 NAME CORSI NAME PDRAW/60 PTAKE/60 Steve Ott 151 47.7 Jere Lehtinen 8.8 Steve Ott 2.1 2 Mike Ribeiro 781 45.8 Loui Eriksson 5.7 Mike Ribeiro 1.8 0.8 Toby Peterson 239 43.5 Steve Ott 5.7 Krys Barch 1.2 1.2 Total: Rank: 24th 48.4 Matt Niskanen 5.6 Loui Eriksson 1.1 0.2 Darryl Sydor 4.5 Brian Sutherby 1 0.8 Mike Ribeiro 3.8 James Neal 1 1.2 Andrew Hutchinson 2.7 Power Play Ratings Penalty Kill Ratings Toby Peterson 0.9 0.4 This is a measure of a team’s goals This measures how many goals Brad Richards 0.3 Mike Madano 0.9 1.1 for per 60 minutes of player being a team gives up per 60 minutes James Neal -0.1 on the ice on the power play. the player is on the ice on the Mark Parrish 0.8 0.6 Mike Madano -1.4 Player GFON/60 Player GAON/60 Fabian Brunnstrom 0.8 0.2 Trevor Daley -1.6 Jere Lehtinen 7.94 Brad Richards 7.3 Joel Lundqvist 0.7 1 Stephane Robidas -1.8 Mark Parrish 7.52 Trevor Daley 7.32 Darryl Sydor 0.6 0.6 Toby Peterson -3.4 Brad Richards 7.24 Matt Niskanen 7.55 Trevor Daley 0.5 0.9 Brian Sutherby -4.5 Stephane Robidas 7.18 Toby Peterson 7.67 Stephane Robidas 0.4 1.4 Nicklas Grossman -4.5 Mike Madano 6.66 Loui Eriksson 7.69 Jere Lehtinen 0.4 0.4 Joel Lundqvist -4.7 Fabian Brunnstrom 6.07 Jere Lehtinen 7.85 Matt Niskanen 0.4 0.4 Krys Barch -5.5 Loui Eriksson 6.05 N. Grossman 8.3 Brad Richards 0.4 0.3 Fabian Brunnstrom -10.8 Mike Ribeiro 5.85 Stephane Robidas 8.47 Nicklas Grossman 0.2 0.9 Mark Parrish -16 Matt Niskanen 4.64 Darryl Sydor 9.36 A. Hutchinson 0 0.6 Mike Madano 10 Referee Stats For The Hawks

Referees 1st NHL Hawks Games Hawks PP’s Hawks Pens/Game Hawks PP/Game Hawks PK/ W L OTL Game PK’s Game 2 Fraser, Kerry 1980 3 14 17 10.3 4.7 5.7 3 0 0 3 Leggo, Mike 1997 3 10 15 8.3 3.3 5.0 2 0 1 4 McCauley, Wes 2003 5 11 14 5.0 2.2 2.8 2 2 0 5 Rooney, Chris 2000 ------6 Marouelli, Dan 1984 3 14 11 8.3 4.7 3.7 1 2 0 7 McCreary, Bill 1984 4 17 15 8.0 4.3 3.8 2 3 0 8 Jackson, Dave 1990 3 14 13 9.0 4.7 4.3 2 1 0 10 Devorski, Paul 1989 2 9 13 11.0 4.5 6.5 1 1 0 11 Sutherland, Kelly 2000 1 5 8 13.0 5.0 8.0 0 1 0 12 Koharski, Don 1981 3 12 16 9.3 4.0 5.3 3 0 0 13 O’Halloran, Dan 1995 3 17 15 10.7 5.7 5.0 1 1 1 14 LaRue, Dennis 1991 4 17 16 8.3 4.3 4.0 3 0 1 15 Auger, Stephane 2000 4 17 13 7.5 4.3 3.3 3 0 1 16 Shick, Rob 1986 1 2 2 4.0 2.0 2.0 0 0 1 18 Kimmerly, Greg 1996 5 26 25 10.2 5.2 5.0 3 2 0 20 Peel, Tim 1999 2 13 13 13.0 6.5 6.5 1 1 0 21 VanMassenhoven, Don 1993 2 6 4 5.0 3.0 2.0 1 0 1 23 Watson, Brad 1996 2 7 4 5.5 3.5 2.0 1 0 1 25 Joannette, Marc 1999 2 13 5 9.0 6.5 2.5 1 0 1 26 Martell, Rob 1996 1 3 1 4.0 3.0 1.0 1 0 0 27 Furlatt, Eric 2001 4 17 14 7.8 4.3 3.5 2 1 1 28 Lee, Chris 2001 1 5 4 9.0 5.0 4.0 1 0 0 29 Walsh, Ian 2000 1 1 3 4.0 1.0 3.0 0 1 0 30 Hasenfratz, Mike 2000 3 22 13 11.7 7.3 4.3 0 1 2 32 Kowal, Tom 2000 3 11 7 6.0 3.7 2.3 3 0 0 33 Pollock, Kevin 2000 3 10 12 7.3 3.3 4.0 1 1 1 34 Meier, Brad 1999 3 12 14 8.7 4.0 4.7 3 0 0 35 Warren, Dean 1999 ------36 Morton, Dean 2000 2 16 10 13.0 8.0 5.0 0 1 1 38 St Laurent, Francois 2006 2 14 15 14.5 7.0 7.5 1 0 1 39 Dwyer, Gord 2003 3 16 15 10.3 5.3 5.0 2 0 1 40 Kozari, Steve 2006 3 18 12 10.0 6.0 4.0 2 1 0 42 O’Rourke, Dan 1999 2 11 13 12.0 5.5 6.5 1 0 1 43 Pochmara, Brian 2006 1 4 7 11.0 4.0 7.0 1 0 0 45 St. Pierre, Justin 2003 5 24 20 8.8 4.8 4.0 2 1 2

NHL LEADERS Goals Points GAA SV%

Player Team G Player Team P Player Team GAA Player Team SV% 1 A. Ovechkin WAS 37 1 Evgeni Malkin PIT 80 1 Steve Mason CBJ 2.09 1 Tim Thomas BOS .930 2 Jeff Carter PHI 34 2 Sidney Crosby PIT 72 2 Tim Thomas BOS 2.12 2 Craig Anderson FLA .929 3 Zach Parise NJ 34 3 A. Ovechkin WAS 70 3 M. Fernandez BOS 2.16 3 N. Backstrom MIN .927 4 T. Vanek BUF 32 4 DET 69 4 Jonas Hiller ANA 2.17 4 Jonas Hiller ANA .925 5 M. Hossa DET 31 5 Zach Parise NJ 67 5 N. Backstrom MIN 2.19 5 M. Fernandez BOS .925 20 Patrick Sharp CHI 23 45 Patrick Kane CHI 46 10 N. Khabibulin CHI 2.37 6 N. Khabibulin CHI .924 Matt’s Musings

In the spirit of the day, our friend Matt McClure has decided to pen It doesn’t stop there. When I’m not gracing these pages this letter to a certain member of the Ice Crew. with my devastating wit and incisive observations, I’m a huge player in the I.T. game. That’s Information Technology- “computers” to the Dear Kelly B. of the Ice Crew, layperson. In the last month alone, I’ve passed my C.I.C.E. and RSA You blew it. CSE exams. That’s right, DNS as well as DLP technologies. All that Fame, fortune, more useless hockey facts and music trivia versatility must make your head spin. than you could ever know what to do with, all of it could have been Don’t get me wrong Kelly. I’m sure you’re leading at least yours, had you not so unceremoniously blown me off nearly 10 years a moderately successful life in comparison with your job in the nebu- ago. lous field of financial analysis, whatever that even means. This Ice Imagine my surprise when, in my travels along the infor- Crew gig probably affords you plenty of time to do something you mation superhighway, I discover that you’re now a member of the truly enjoy, your skating. Not to mention all the chicken wings you Blackhawks’ very own Ice Crew. Very impressive. It looks like all can stuff in your face at the remote appearances out in the suburbs, those figure skating lessons at that shitty rink in Naperville paid off. while you get hit on by 275lb dudes who are wearing a Patrick Kane I’m glad to see that they have, and in retrospect, it’s now clearly sweater about eight times as large as the one Kaner actually wears. time that was well spent. But it was time that could have been spent What little girl doesn’t grow up dreaming of that from the day she with the tall, awkward guy who worked in the pro shop. A guy with laces up her first pair of Riddells? whom you occasionally flirted, and who, at one point, almost had Let’s not forget the best part of your job- the chance to rub enough balls to maybe consider thinking about asking you out some- elbows (amongst other things) with unmarried, early-to-mid-20’s time. That is, if you wanted to, of course. millionaire athletes. They all probably have great condos in Old I’ll give you 3 guesses as to the identity of the Town and Lincoln Park. But you’d only be set- clerk in question. Matt’s Musings tling, because you now know that you could have I suppose it’s not your fault. You could had a guy who shares a cluttered apartment with have never really envisioned the rocket ship to two other dudes in Lincoln Square. Does that stardom that I was about to grab a ride on. Hell, I make you jealous enough already, or do I need to barely envisioned this life of luxury myself. But compare their millions of dollars to my debilitat- it truly is an opportunity lost on your part. ing student loan debt? How many other guys could you have possibly So while you might be pretty, blonde, ath- been interested in that could have had the dedica- letic, and get a chance to mingle with star hockey tion, iron will, and physical prowess to skate on players, wouldn’t you trade that opportunity in the 4th line of Coach Bob Hughes’s 2003 MA- Matt McClure to have said you were once with a guy who had CHA regular season champion Bradley Braves (former NHL2Night host) John Buccigross on his D-II club? The banner still hangs in radio show twice, or once had Matt Abbattacola the rafters of the legendary Owens Center of the Peoria park district of the The Score AM 670 accidentally pee on his shoe at a Boers and to this day. Bernstein remote broadcast? If I were you, it’d be a no-brainer. Name one other person that you’ve dated in the last decade I hope this letter doesn’t come across as spiteful, and I wish who could be so versatile as to not only DJ a hit radio show on a col- you nothing but the best in all you do. But, let’s face it; I don’t let lege station with an FM broadcast range of about a mile and a half, things just go. I can clearly hold a grudge better than most of the but also have enough time in the day and enough knowledge of the contributors to this publication can hold a job. So with that said, I music industry to be able to pull double-duty as that station’s music will now leave you with the words of one of hip-hop’s poet laureates, director as well. Are those crickets I hear in the distance? Kool Moe Dee: You could have been showered with more free CD’s and record company promotional swag that you could have ever imag- “How ya like me now?” ined. How nice does a free …And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead t-shirt sound right about now? Yeah, I thought so. Could any one else make such a fashion statement by wear- Sincerely, ing the same worn out Lawrence Arms hooded sweatshirt 3 nights Matthew M. McClure, Esq. a week and compliment it with a beat up pair of Converse Chuck Taylors, even in sub-zero temperatures? I think not. Tim Gunn may If you would like info on when Matt’s 6-foot tall, volleyball playing, as well name me the Best Dressed Man in America for 2009 right crew-rowing, totally ripped girlfriend will be shoving a high-heel up now; the contest is as good as over. his rectum, please email him at [email protected]

If you’d like to ruin your organization’s reputation and advertise with us, email us at [email protected] for info. The Making of The Chicago Blackhawks

info in part provided by hockeyreference.com YEAR DRAFT TRADE FREE AGENT 2008-2009 Brian Campbell (BUF 6th round 1997 Cristobal Huet (LA 7th round 2001) Matt Walker (STL 3rd round 1998) Aaron Johnson (CLB 3rd round 2001) Antii Niemi (Undrafted FA) 2007-2008 Patrick Kane (1st round) Ben Eager (PHO 1st round 2002) from Brent Sopel (VAN 6th round 1995) PHI for Jim Vandermeer (FA PHI 2000) Craig Adams (HAR 9th round 1996) from CAR for future considerations. Andrew Ladd (CAR 1st round 2004) from CAR for Tuomo Ruutu (CHI 1st round 2001) 2006-2007 Jonathan Toews (1st round) Martin Havlat (OTT 1st round 1999) from OTT and Bryan Smolinski (BOS 1st round 1990) for Tom Preissing (FA SJ 2003), Josh Hennessy (SJ 2nd round 2003) and Michael Barinka (CHI 2nd round 2003) Kris Versteeg (BOS 5th round 2004) from BOS for Brandon Bochenski (OTT 7th round 2001) 2005-2006 Niklas Hjalmarsson (4th round) Patrick Sharp (PHI 3rd round 2001) Nikolai Khabibulin (WIN 9th round from PHI for Matt Ellison (CHI 4th 1992) round 2002) and CHI 3rd round pick 2006 2004-2005 Cam Barker (1st round) Dave Bolland (2nd round) Troy Brouwer (7th round) 2003-2004 Brent Seabrook (1st round) Colin Fraser (PHI 3rd round 2003), Dustin Byfuglien (8th round) Jim Vandermeer (PHI FA 2000) and 2004 2nd round pick from PHI for Alex Zhamnov and 2004 4th round pick (WIN 4th round 1990) 2002-2003 Duncan Keith (2nd round) James Wisniewski (5th round) Adam Burish (9th round)

GM HISTORY COACHES Dale Tallon (2005-Present) Head Coach-Joel Quenneville Bob Pulford (Too Fucking Long, Too Many Fuck- Assistant Coach-John Torchetti ing Times) Assistant Coach-Mike Haviland Mike Smith (2001-2004) Assistant Coach- Marc Bergevin Bob Murray (1999-2000) Goaltending Coach-Stephane Waite The Making of The

info in part provided by hockeyreference.com YEAR DRAFT TRADE FREE AGENT 2008-2009 Brian Sutherby (WSH 1st round 2000) from ANA Fabian Brunnstrom (SWE) for David McIntyre (DAL 5th round 2006) and Mark Parrish (COL 3rd round 2010 6th round pick 1998) Andrew Hutchinson (NSH 2nd round 1999) from TB for Lauri Tukonen (LA 1st round 2004) Daryl Sydor (LA 1st round 1990) from PIT for Phillip Boucher (BUF 1st round 1991 2007-2008 Brad Richards (TB 3rd round 1998) and Johan Toby Petersen (PIT 9th round Holmqvist (NYR 7th round 1997) from TB for Jeff 1998) Halpern (FA WSH 1999), (DAL 6th round 2001) and Mike Smith (DAL 5th round 2001) 2006-2007 Mike Ribeiro (MON 2nd round 1998) and 2008 Krys Barch (WSH 4th round 6th round pick from Montreal for 1998) (PHI 2nd round 1993) and 2007 5th round pick Doug Janik (BUF 2nd round 1999) 2005-2006 Matt Niskanen (1st round) Stephane Robidas (MON 7th James Neal (2nd round) round 1995) 2004-2005 Mark Fistric (1st round) Niklas Grossman (2nd round) 2003-2004 Loui Eriksson (2nd round) Landon Wilson (TOR 1st round 1993) from PHX for future considerations 2002-2003 Trevor Daley (2nd round) Tobias Stephan (2nd round) 2001-2002 2000-2001 Steve Ott (1st round) Joel Lundqvist (3rd round) 1997-1998 Brendan Morrow (1st round) 1995-1996 Sergei Zubov (NYR 5th round 1990) from NYR for Kevin Hatcher (WSH 1st round 1984) 1994-1995 Marty Turco (1st round) 1992-1993 Jere Lehtinen (4th round) 1988-1989 Mike Modano (1st round)

infoinfo in in part part provided provided by by hockeyreference.com hockeyreference.com GM HISTORY GM HISTORY COACHESCOACHES 2007-Present: Brett Hull and Les Jackson COACHES Dale Tallon (2005-Present) DaveHead Tippett-Head Coach-Joel Quenneville Coach 2003-2007:GM Doug HISTORY Armstrong Head Coach: Bob Pulford (Too Fucking Long, Too Many Fuck- RickAssistant Wilson-Assistant Coach-John TorchettiCoach 2006-Present:1993-2002: John Bob Davidson Gainey Asst. Coach: Ray Bennett ing Times) MarkAssistant Lamb-Assistant Coach-Mike CoachHaviland 1998-2006:1991-1992: Larry PleauBob Clarke Asst. Coach: Brad Shaw Mike Smith (2001-2004) Assistant Coach- Marc Bergevin Goaltending Coach: Rick Wamsley Bob Murray (1999-2000) Goaltending Coach-Stephane Waite The Hawks Record When...

Playing at home...... 14-4-5 Allowing a short-handed goal...... 2-2-1 Getting obliterated on face-offs...... 12-9-4 Playing on road...... 16-11-3 Taking 30 or more shots...... 21-10-6 Are even close on face-offs..... 18-6-4 Scoring first...... 19-3-3 Taking less than 30 shots..... 9-5-2 Eddie O tells crew to “stop it right here!”.... 27-14-8 Opponent scores first...... 11-12-5 Allowing 30 shots or more...... 15-6-5 Eddie O tells us D have the forwards and forwards have the D Shoot the puck bimbo scores...... 4-1-1 Allowing 30 shots or less...... 15-9-3 during 4-on-4...... 27-14-8 Shoot the puck bimbo doesn’t score...... 10-2-4 100 Level doesn’t cheer for anthem. 14-2-5 We’re ecstatic Pat Foley is back...... 28-12-8 Shoot the puck bimbo blows editors of Commited Indian..... 0-0-0 1st of a back-to-back...... 3-4-3 Ice-girls wear skirts...... 6-1-3 ANYONE blows editors of Committed Indian ...... 0-1-0 2nd of a back-to-back..... 6-3-0 Ice-girls wear pants...... 3-1-0 Playing on a Monday...... 2-2-1 Opponent played night before.... 7-2-1 ice-girls wear shorts.... 5-2-2 Playing on a Tuesday...... 4-1-0 Taking more than 5 penalties..... 15-11-3 Leading after 2 periods...... 25-1-3 Playing on a Wednesday...... 7-1-2 Taking 5 or less penalties.... 15-4-5 Losing after 2 periods...... 1-10-2 Playing on a Thursday...... 1-3-0 Seabrook gets a flat-footed penalty.... 8-3-4 Tied after 2 periods...... 4-4-3 Playing on a Friday...... 4-3-2 Burish takes a penalty...... 7-5-2 In overtime...... 3-3 Playing on a Saturday...... 5-4-3 Keith takes a penalty...... 9-3-2 In shootout...... 2-5 Playing on a Sunday...... 7-1-0 Sharp takes a penalty...... 10-2-2 Cam Barker plays...... 23-11-5 Savard changes lines during game... 1-2-1 Toews takes a penalty..... 6-3-2 Cam Barker is in Rockford due to GM incompetence..... 4-2-3 Coach Q keeps lines as they are..... 29-13-7 Havlat takes a penalty.... 5-2-0 Lacking a #2 center...... 30-15-8 Are out-muscled by opponent.... 10-12-4 Sopel takes a penalty...... 3-2-1 In 1-goal games..... 7-5-8 Outshoot opponent...... 19-8-3 Sopel looks 6 steps slow...... 7-5-5 In 2-goal games...... 9-4-0 Are outshot by opponenet.... 11-7-5 51 Phantom blows a coverage...... 21-12-7 In 3-goal games...... 7-4-0 Havlat shies from contact...... 16-6-6 Toews is trying too hard...... 3-7-2 In 4+ goal games...... 6-2-0 Patrick Kane scores...... 9-3-2 At least 1 fight in 300 Level... 2-2-3 Scoring 3+ goals..... 28-3-4 Jonathan Toews scores...... 8-0-4 No fights in 300 Level..... 12-2-2 Scoring less than 3 goals...... 2-12-4 Martin Havlat scores...... 10-3-1 Playing Eastern Conference..... 5-2-2 PA plays Ministry...... 0-0-0 Patrick Sharp scores...... 15-3-2 Playing Western Conference..... 25-13-6 PA plays Modern Cock-Rock..... 13-4-5 Dustin Byfuglien scores...... 6-0-1 Playing Central Division...... 4-5-5 PA plays Classic Cock-Rock...... 9-3-5 Dustin Byfuglien turns down a hit...... 24-11-6 Playing Northwest Division.... 12-4-0 PA plays P.J. Harvey...... 0-0-0 Andrew Ladd scores...... 8-0-1 Playing Pacific Division 9-4-1 Fraser fights...... 7-2-1 Dave Bolland scores...... 9-1-1 Playing Atlantic Division 1-1-1 Burish fights...... 4-2-0 Adam Burish scores...... 3-2-0, and totally ruins that joke Playing NASCAR Division 1-1-0 Seabrook fights..... 0-0-0 51 Phantom scores...... 3-2-1 Playing Northeast Division 3-0-1 Barker fights...... 0-0-2 Duncan Keith scores...... 3-3-0 Playing in October.... 4-3-3 Buff fights...... 0-0-2 Brent Seabrook scores...... 4-0-1 Playing in November.... 6-3-3 Sharp fights...... 1-0-0 VerStud scores.... 9-4-1 Playing in December...... 10-1-1 Eager fights...... 9-1-1 Troy Brouwer scores.... 6-0-0 Playing in January..... 7-6-1 On Comcast...... 24-7-5 Scoring a Power Play goal...... 23-5-7 Playing in February..... 3-2-0 On WGN...... 6-5-3 Not scoring a Power Play goal... 7-9-1 Playing in March...... 0-0-0 On Vs...... 0-2-0 Allowing a Power Play goal...... 12-12-8 Playing in April...... 0-0-0 On NBC.... 0-1-0 Not Allowing a Power Play goal...... 18-3-0 UC plays really stupid goal song..... 14-3-5 Judd Sirott hates Adam Creighton 30-15-8 Scoring a short-handed goal...... 6-2-0 Huet’s five-hole open like Lindsay Lohan’s..... 2-7-2 Editor of Committed Indian bleeds on programs...... 1-0-0

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