ONLY______SKETCHES ABOUT SOUP
Opener: Ibhan walks around onstage, drinking soup, as the audience is filing in. When the signal to start is given, Ibhan lifts the soup can up in the air angrily and freezes.
Play 01. [DramaticSoup.mp4]
Play 02. [NoChurchKareoke.mp3]
CAST comes out onstage, singing:
ALL Human beings in a soup
What’s a mob to a soup
What’s a king to a soup
What’s a soup to a nonbeliever
Who don’t believe in
Soup.
Fade out 02. [NoChurchKareoke.mp3]
CASSIDY Welcome to Only Sketches About Soup! We've got a great show for you. Soup is here! Let's get to it (etc. etc.) Enjoy!
Everyone leaves the stage.
BLACKOUT.
Play 03. [NoChurch2.mp3]
Created using Celtx 2.
1.______PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCE
BY CHRIS FITZGERALD
Lights up on Teacher and Brian sitting facing each other with an empty chair next to Brian.
AUNT walks in and shakes teachers hand and sits next to BRIAN
TEACHER Ms. Duggan, thank you so much for coming in for this conference for your nephew.
AUNT Yes of course, this seemed serious.
TEACHER Well we need to talk about Brian's recent behavior in class and the consequences surrounding it
AUNT Of course. I'm sorry, I rushed from work, is it ok if I eat something?
TEACHER Of course.
AUNT pulls out bowl, spoon, thermos. Pours out thermos of New England clam chowder.
AUNT Go on.
TEACHER Ever since he started living with you, Brian has been acting out in class repeatedly.
AUNT Acting out?
TEACHER He’s been late, distracting, and he’s been removing the eraser’s from everyone’s pencils and yelling, “you must live with your mistakes!!!”. We can’t tolerate this behavior. If this continues-
Created using Celtx 3.
AUNT take spoonful of soup and blows on it a few times very loudly then eats it.
TEACHER And if this continues he may be expelled.
AUNT Expelled? Oh my God.
AUNT takes another spoon of soup and blows on it very loud then eats it.
TEACHER It's not final yet, but he's one incident away. Now I wanted Brian here for this so he can tell you how he feels because he says his new home life is a big reason why he acts out.
AUNT Brian is this true?
BRIAN You never pay attention to me. You never feel present!
AUNT Brian that's ridiculous!
AUNT takes out a packet of oyster crackers from her bag and crushes them into the soup with her hands.
BRIAN Aunt Kathy this is what I'm talking about! I need your full attention. I need you to actually care about me. You told me that my mom and dad went to a farm upstate, which I can only presume means they’re dead! They aren't coming back, you're all I have at this point.
As he says this, AUNT pulls a piece of bread out of her shirt, dips it in chowder, and eats it.
AUNT Brian, I didn't realize that's how you felt.
At this point AUNT takes a spoonful of chowder in her mouth
Created using Celtx 4. and the actor pretends to swallow but the soup is still in their mouth, but it shouldn't be obvious to the audience.
BRIAN Adjusting to living with you had been hard enough. You are all I have left. I don't have any friends, I'm failing in school. Aunt Kathy please. I just need you to be here for me. I am so emotionally aware of this situation. I need you to match me on my level of understanding of this.. Just please Aunt Kathy. Give me some sort of acknowledgement that you care Please, just tell me you love me.
AUNT (With chowder now pouring out of mouth) I love you.
BRIAN (With hand motion) STOP EATING SOUP.
TEACHER Ok Ms Duggan, why don't we take a moment for you to finish your soup. It's going to be hard to continue this with you eating.
AUNT Of course.
AUNT finishes the soup - takes mic and slurps loudly into it.
TEACHER Ok. Ms Duggan, Brian is clearly not feeling loved and heard at home and he's been acting out because of it.. I think some responsibility falls on you to make a change.
AUNT You're right. Brian, what matters most to me is your well being. If you feel like I'm not being there for you that's on me to change. I love you. What's something you'd like to do together?
Created using Celtx 5.
BRIAN Well other kids have been going to the zoo. And I'm a huge Bronx Zoo fan and I’ve never been so-
AUNT Hold that thought.
AUNT reaches into bag and grabs another thermos and pours it into her bowl and eats a spoonful.
AUNT I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
Blackout.
Play 04. [ChickenSoupRice.mp3]
Created using Celtx 6.
2.______SOUPMMELIER
BY JAMES AZZARETTI AND IBHAN KULKARNI
Lights up on three people around a table with three glasses of wine, a red, a white, and a brown liquid. A narrator is off to the side explaining the situation.
NARRATOR The Certified Sommelier Examination is one of the most difficult in the world. In order to be considered one of the world’s best wine experts, participants must take the blind test and identify three different wines just from an unmarked glass. Most students study full time for years before taking the test.
PROCTOR #1 Congratulations on making it to this stage, you have 10 minutes to describe the three wines before you. Time starts whenever you touch the first glass.
The participant, SAM, goes for the white wine first. Throughout this, SAM is really playing with the wine, drinking it and spitting it out, swirling it in the glass etc.
SAM (Quickly, almost stressed) This wine is full bodied, I’m getting hints of oak and lavender. This wine tastes of the hills of a French countryside. This wine has a medium, medium plus body. It has little to no alcohol. This wine is taking me somewhere. It’s taking me to France, northern France. This wine is taking me to Thionville, but not modern Thionville, the Thionville of old. This wine is (pauses with eyes real shut in deep thought for a second) this wine is a Cabernet Sauvignon 1962.
PROCTOR #2 Very good. Feel free to move on to the red, we really liked the imagery in
Created using Celtx 7.
the first one.
SAM Ok, great.
SAM begins with the second wine. His tone and everything are basically the same as the first glass.
SAM This wine is medium bodied. I’m getting hints of nuts. Cashew nut, peanut. This wine barely has any alcohol. So little alcohol it’s basically halal. This wine has hints of spice. Paprika, chilli powder. The wine is spry, it’s young, it has a new lightness to it after reconciling with its father after 25 years of him living in Chicago. This wine remembers the drive up, listening to its old cassette tapes. It looks out onto lake Michigan before pulling into the drive way. This wine has a funny thought pop into its head, but it’ll never tell, not us. This wine has hints of prune, but not northern Spanish prunes, southern Spanish prunes. We’re basically fucking touching Morocco here, guys. This wine is old, but it’s a silver goddamn fox. This wine is Clooney in Up in The Air. This wine is… This wine is a 1963 Garnacha.
PROCTOR #1 Great. 2 of 2. You only have the third wine left.
SAM reaches for the third glass. It’s a brown liquid. He looks at it really quizzically before beginning. He starts with a taste.
SAM This wine is (Sam takes a sip and coughs like he choked on it) scalding hot. And savory? (He goes back to swirling it around) This wine is, um, really meat-y? Like, it looks like there are actual chunks of meat in here? And noodles? This wine (Same takes another sip) reminds me of my childhood? This wine, is taking me
Created using Celtx 8.
somewhere, to my childhood home, but I’m in the fourth grade and I have to get my mom to sign this shitty report card or else I won’t get to on the field trip to the aquarium and see the Dory fish. I thought momma wouldn’t be proud of me, but she is. She saw me try real hard and you know what? She said that I can still get that Xbox for christmas this year. My dad pats me on the back and tell me he’s proud of me, right before he leaves to buy cigarettes in the middle of the night for some reason. This wine isn’t a wine at all. It’s Campbell’s chunky beef barley (Sam starts choking up) Just like my mom used to make.
SAM breaks down into full tears.
PROCTOR #2 Wow. That was touching really. We like our Somms to have a special connection with their childhood, so we try to have something that they can remember. That’s special to them. As you know, we test from all the three wine categories:
PROCTOR #1 Red, white, and TRICK. Unfortunately, the glass you just had was actually Campbell’s hearty beef stroganoff stew that you had one time at your friend Todd’s house that time you cried watching Rise of The Planet of the Apes. I’m so sorry Sam, but you failed, you’ll never be a famous wine man. Make like your father and leave.
He leaves. Long beat.
PROCTOR #2 (tortured) I’m an alcoholic.
PROCTOR 1 gasps and looks at her in shock.
Blackout.
Play 05. [GreatestDay.mp3]
Created using Celtx 9.
3.______GAZPACHO
BY ANNETTE STORCKMAN
Lights up on two guests, and waiter's boss.
As soon as lights come up, WAITER enters.
WAITER Hello, would you like some cold Spanish soup? Cold Spanish soup anyone? Ah, good lady, thank you for enjoying that cold Spanish soup.
GUEST #1 has taken a shot of it.
GUEST #1 Say, what did you say this delicious dish was?
WAITER Cold Spanish soup.
GUEST #1 Yes, but what’s it called?
WAITER I don’t understand the question--
BOSS Johnson! May I borrow you for a moment please?
The BOSS pulls the WAITER aside.
BOSS The soup is called gazpacho.
WAITER What?
BOSS Gazpacho. Please call it that.
WAITER Gizz-paye-chuh.
BOSS No, gazpacho.
Created using Celtx 10.
WAITER Go-pay-chee
BOSS Come on, Johnson, you can do it. Say it with me: Gazpacho.
WAITER Gooze-poo-choo
BOSS Not quite.
WAITER I dunno sir, let Meg handle the food- pronunciations. This cold soup is beyond me.
BOSS Johnson, look at me, I believe in you, okay? I need you to get this right, and call the food what it is: gazpacho. Now go back out there.
The WAITER tepidly returns to the floor.
WAITER Would anyone like this gawz-pancho? Cold Spanish pan-gancho for your tasting pleasure.
BOSS JOHNSON. A word please.
BOSS takes the WAITER aside again.
BOSS (CONT'D) Please don’t swear at the guests over gazpacho.
WAITER Fuck you too--
BOSS That’s the soup, Johnson, Gazpacho is the soup.
WAITER Oh right.
Created using Celtx 11.
BOSS Do you have an issue with Spanish words or something, because that’s troubling--
WAITER Hablo español con fluidez, es solo esta una palabra que me está dando problemas.
BOSS What?
WAITER It’s just that one word. Gabby Douglas.
BOSS Gazpacho.
WAITER Go Patriots.
BOSS No!
WAITER Damnit, boss, I’m never going to get this right. You might as well fire me right now because me and this soup, we’re just never going to see eye to eye.
GUEST #1 approaches.
GUEST #1 Excuse me, I’d like some of this gazpacho again.
WAITER WHATEVER, TAKE IT, SHOW OFF.
BOSS Johnson! For the sake of your father and all we had been through, I will not fire you. But I need to pull yourself together. Look at what you’re doing. You’re letting this cold soup ruin your life!
GUEST #1 meanwhile has taken a sip, and is now choking.
Created using Celtx 12.
WAITER Oh my god, boss, I think that person is choking! I have to save them.
BOSS No--- Look me in the eyes and tell me what they are choking on. I won’t let you help them until you get it right.
WAITER They’re choking on go-fund-me.
BOSS Come on!!!
WAITER Guantanamo.
BOSS Do it!!!
WAITER Glow-up.
BOSS Come on, Johnson... Gazpacho.
WAITER (in a weird accent) Gazpacho. (Gasp) I did it!
The GUEST falls dead. The two look.
BOSS You’re fired, Johnson.
BLACKOUT.
Play 06. [SweaterWeather.mp3]
Created using Celtx 13.
4.______SOUP STICK UP
BY GABRIELLE WILLIOTT
Lights up on a customer stepping up to the counter to order. Two employees behind counter, and two patrons off to the side.
EMPLOYEE 1 Hi, welcome to Panera. What can I get for you.
ROBBERT Hi uh, I'll have a YouPick 2 with Chicken Noodle and Turkey Club Sandwich. And also this is a stickup.
EMPLOYEE 1 I'm sorry, what else?
ROBBERT I said this is a stick up. Everyone on the ground.
ROBBERT pulls out a gun from his bag and points it around Panera. All the customers get on the ground.
ROBBERT Do exactly what I say and no one gets hurt.
Everyone screams. Cassidy screams...than screams again.
EMPLOYEE 2 Okay, here, take the cash! it's everything that's in the register.
ROBBERT Shut up! Gimme all your soup.
EMPLOYEE 1 The soup?
ROBBERT You heard me bitch gimme all your SOUP.
EMPLOYEE 1 How?
ROBBERT pulls out giant clear garbage bags from his backpack.
Created using Celtx 14.
He unflaps them loudly for a very long time.
ROBBERT Pour the hot soup into these bags.
EMPLOYEE 2 Uhhhh are you sure? That seems like it might not work and will be messy and hot and really hard for you to carry.
ROBBERT shoots her in the leg. Everyone screams in horror
ROBBERT Does it look like I'm sure? He’ll never walk again. Now start pouring the soups. I want all six kinds.
EMPLOYEE 1 (CRYING) Even the ten vegetable? It's from a can!
ROBBERT Is it A SOUP?
EMPLOYEE 1 Yes
ROBBERT Then I want it!
He points the gun at her menacingly as she takes the bags to fill them. She starts weeping.
ROBBERT That's right pour it right in there.
EMPLOYEE 1 Please, I finally just regained mobility in my elbows after turning all those bagel cranks in the Panera basement for so many years, but they are still weak. I don't think I can do this much longer
CUSTOMER (WHO IS LAYING ON THE FLOOR) Yeah mister, how much soup does one man need? I mean I'm assuming they're just for you.
Created using Celtx 15.
CUSTOMER 2 (WHO IS LAYING ON THE FLOOR) Yeah man, chill out about the soup.
ROBBERT goes and kicks the hell out of them both while yelling
ROBBERT One does not "chill" over soup, you cretin.
ROBBERT walks downstage.
Spotlight.
ROBBERT All you rich people can have as much soup as you want. You order an entire bowl of soup. Plus a whole sandwich. Separately! While the rest of us are stuck ordering you pick twos, with only a half portion of the soup. It's not enough soup. If I liquified my fist, it would be more soup than the cup portion. I do not want to be limited in my consumption of thick hot liquids. I deserve more soup. And Panera shall give it to me. You shall all give it to me, even if I have to reach down your throats and extract it from your gullets.
Back to normal lighting.
ROBBERT (CONT'D) Now get the broccoli cheddar. All of it. Line up the bread bowls, tops off.Fill them up.
EMPLOYEE 1 Sir, they’ll get soggy if you fill them up first.
ROBBERT I. Like. Them. Soggy
EMPLOYEE 1 (Sighs) Okay. You get a choice of chips baguette or apple.
Created using Celtx 16.
ROBBERT I’ll take two baguettes.
EMPLOYEE 1 It’s only one per customer, I’m sorry. If you want a second baguette it’s gonna be an extra dollar.
Beat.
ROBBERT FINE. This is still a robbery.
Blackout.
Play 07. [SoupIsGoodFood.mp3]
Created using Celtx 17.
5.______PEE SOUP
BY JENNA SHERRITON
Lights up on TWO PEOPLE at a table, waiter standing between them.
EATER #2 I’ll have the bruschetta pasta, please.
EATER #1 And I’ll have your bacon cheeseburger!
WAITER Would you like soup or salad with that?
EATER Ummmm..
WAITER Soup. Get the soup. You don’t want the salad-TRUST ME!!!
EATER What kind of soup is it?
WAITER Pee.
WAITER cracks up.
EATER Pea?
WAITER Yes. Pee
He cracks up.
WAITER (CONT'D) Soup
He cracks up again. EATER looks at his companion.
EATER I’ve never done this before?
EATER #2 Just try getting-soup for once. What’s
Created using Celtx 18.
the worst that could happen?
EATER Well, all right! I’ll try it! “Date someone who challenges you” they said...
Beat of silence.
WAITER Ha!!! It’ll be right out, sir.
He SPRINTS off stage. He runs back with an EMPTY BOWL. He places it in front of eater.
EATER It’s empty!?
WAITER Oh, we’re just keeping it warm for ya!! (cracks up) classic. BECCA!
BECCA runs on stage and gets on the table, raising her dress to SQUAT OVER THE BOWL.
WAITER I’ll top it off for ya Becca!
EATER and their companion, EATER #2, stand-- shocked!
EATER Woah woah woah, what’s going on here?!?!?!
Beat. WAITER and BECCA look into the audience.
WAITER AND BECCA APRIL FOOLS!!!
EATER It’s AUGUST?!?!
Long beat.
WAITER & BECCA (to audience) OH MY GOD!!! IT’S AUGUST! IT’S AUGUST! I MISSED MY MOM’S BIRTHDAY! I MISSED 4TH OF JULY! I MISSED THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL! I MISSED THE ELECTION. IT’S AUGUST!!! (CRYING) OH NOOOOOOOOOO.
Created using Celtx 19.
3RD WAITER comes out with another bowl.
3RD WAITER Somebody order carrots and PEE?
He gestures to another girl in a skirt.
WAITER AND BECCA NO, JIM, IT’S AUGUST.
3RD WAITER WHAT??? FUCK!!!!! WHAT? AGAIN?? I TOLD SOMEONE TO CHECK!!!
Blackout.
Play 08. [WeirdAlTalkSoup.mp3]
Created using Celtx 20.
6.______YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE
BY CASSIDY GRAHAM
Lights up on Lisa and Cherry sitting at the table. Cherry is eating soup.
LISA I cannot believe you.
CHERRY What?
LISA How could you eat that? You have absolutely no idea what's in there. As a friend, I cannot condone this.
CHERRY What are you talking about? It's soup. From a can.
LISA Exactly! You didn't see it made. It was made in some far-off factory somewhere, probably in RUSSIA of all places. They could have put anything in there!
CHERRY Oh, come on. Russia? Please. What, you always see your food being made?
LISA Always. Ever since I found out what nicotine was.
CHERRY You...what? Okay...you're just being paranoid-
At that moment, CHERRY scoops a piece of paper out of the soup.
CHERRY (CONT'D) Aww jeez.
LISA See? I told you!
Created using Celtx 21.
CHERRY This is gross. Did you put this in my soup?
LISA Absolutely not. I would never tamper with food, unlike some companies.
CHERRY You're not a company.
LISA What does it say??
CHERRY (sighs) It says, "Day in and day out I work at this boring soup factory, when all I really want to do is kidnap Jodie Foster." Aww come on, this is just sick.
LISA I told you! I told you!! You never know what's in your food if you don't make it yourself! I told you there was some Russian factory worker throwing stuff in there!
CHERRY Alright, you were right this time. Somehow. But this is just a fluke. I'm gonna pretend it never happened, and go on living my life NOT IN FEAR like you. I'm gonna get a new bowl, do you want any?
LISA (scoffs) I'd rather eat broken glass.
Beat. They look at each other while CHERRY gets up and dumps some soup from a pot into a fresh bowl.
CHERRY Okay...
CHERRY sits back down. She starts eating the soup.
CHERRY Well anyways, you were telling me
Created using Celtx 22.
about your screenplay idea before. Continue.
LISA Oh, right, okay so there's this girl, and she's really sad because she's allergic to grass, and OH MY GOD-
CHERRY scoops a pair of keys out of her soup.
CHERRY SERIOUSLY?? Why the hell are there keys in my soup??
LISA Why wouldn't they be in your soup??? there's absolutely no regulation when it comes to this stuff!!
CHERRY I really don't think that's true!!
Play 09. [CarUnlocking.mp3]
A car unlocking sound is heard. A GUY bursts in the door and grabs the keys from CHERRY.
GUY Those are my keys, stealer!
GUY prances away towards the door.
CHERRY (calls after him) I...I'm sorry! I didn't take them they just somehow ended up in my soup! This is a whole big misunderstanding!
GUY Tell it to the district attorney.
GUY leaves, slamming the door behind him.
CHERRY District attorney??? Wait, am I getting sued now??
LISA This all could've been avoided if you'd just listened to me and made your own soup from scratch.
Created using Celtx 23.
CHERRY Ok no. This is insane. So many people eat soup out of cans with no problem whatsoever. There better not be any more freaking stuff in here or else I'm gonna have to make some calls!
CHERRY starts to fish through the soup pot for other stuff. She grabs hold of the end of a magicians handkerchief. CHERRY and LISA gasp. She keeps pulling the handkerchief out for a long time, until finally a girl, TRACEY, in lingerie comes out of the soup pot, the end of the handkerchief in her mouth. They stare at her. The girl looks sheepish.
LISA This is worse than I could have ever imagined.
CHERRY (very angry) Do not tell me. That you. Were carelessly dropped into my can of soup. In some Russian factory.
TRACEY No I'm just um, I'm Tracey, I'm..your 15 year old son's first girlfriend. We were gonna lose our virginities to each other but then he didn't know you were gonna be home so he panicked and told me to hide, and I can hold my breath for a really long time because my dad was an olympic swimmer so...
CHERRY'S SON walks in.
CHERRY Oh jeez, Tracey, I'm so sorry, you must think I'm a crazy lady...
CHERRY'S SON Mom...? Tracey...?
CHERRY Honey, it's really a pleasure to meet your girlfriend. I'm so happy for you! It's such a shame we had to meet like this. Come on, Tracey, make yourself at home, go wash all that soup off in the bathroom, please-
Created using Celtx 24.
GUY #2 emerges from the pot of soup. Everyone sees him and screams.
GUY #2 (Russian accent) I like how you made soup warm.
TRACEY Were you in there when I was in there???
Guy #2 stares at everyone for a long time, confused, nervous. He gulps a couple times.
GUY #2 ...... yes. Are you Jodie Foster?
TRACEY No!
GUY #2 Oh.
Beat. GUY #2 climbs back inside the pot.
CHERRY (To kids) You kids go have sex. We’ll handle this.
The kids leave. CHERRY and LISA go over at the pot. CHERRY and LISA put a bomb in the pot. Maybe water squirts out. GUY #2 goes “aaaarghhh!”
Play 10. [Bomb.mp3]
CHERRY It’s like that old saying goes:
CHERRY AND LISA (chuckles) LISA: No diff b/w a live russian and a dead russian with some crushed cloves of garlic in a barrel of soup
CHERRY: Who knew bombing Russia was as easy as shooting fish in a barrel of soup.
BLACKOUT.
Created using Celtx 25.
Play 11. [1985.mp3]
Created using Celtx 26.
7.______VIDEO
Play 12. [ANTM.mp4]
Created using Celtx 27.
8.______THE HOTTEST SOUP
BY ANNETTE STORCKMAN
Lights up on 2 people. VENDOR is standing behind a “hot soup” cart handing out samples. VIC is wandering by.
VENDOR Delicious soup here! Try a sample of our Italian Wedding Soup. You’ll love it so much, it’ll be legally binding! Soup samples!
VIC Oh hey, I’ll take some of that soup. Smells great.
VENDOR Sure thing. Just watch out! It’s very hot.
VIC Hot, like... like what kind of hot?
VENDOR So hot it’ll burn your mouth if you’re not careful. Here take a look!
VIC comes over and looks.
VIC (Getting turned on) Wow, that’s a really attractive soup.
VENDOR Old family recipe. Grandma’s secret was keeping it at exactly 130 degrees.
VIC Oh my god that’s so hot.
VENDOR Yep, burned myself a few times. I mean honestly it’s downright dangerous. I shouldn’t even be handing it out in these little cups.
VIC Holy shit little cups of the hottest soup in the world. That’s downright deplorable. you disgusting servant of
Created using Celtx 28.
Eros. I’ll take some of that soup now, Daddy.
VENDOR Daddy??--
VIC I want that hot soup right in my mouth.
VENDOR I.. feel uncomfortable giving you this soup.
VIC What kind of spices are in it? Is there pepper? I’m allergic to pepper. I want you to pour that hot soup in my mouth and let it choke me.
VENDOR Sir, I can’t give you this soup if you have an allergy.
VIC Give me that soup, Daddy, I’ll ask nicely.
VENDOR Sir, I don’t hand out my samples to soup perverts!
VIC I’m not a soup pervert, it just sounds so hot. Like the hottest thing I’ve ever heard of. Hotter than the sun, and the sun is sooo hot.
VENDOR I think you and I are talking about very different definitions of hot.
VIC NO! We are talking about the exact same thing. Come on, haven’t you ever thought about it? Have you ever thought about how hot soup can be.
VENDOR I mean of course I have, who hasn’t! (slap him) That hot soup’ll drive you
Created using Celtx 29.
crazy in the middle of the night. But you can’t make me go there again... not after what happened.
VIC Don’t be afraid. Look at the soup with me. Look... at those meatballs.
THEY both stare at the soup, then at each other. THEY get real close.
VENDOR Wow. Look at them. All covered in scalding broth.
VIC I can’t wait to lick those soupey chopped carrots.
VENDOR Yeah? You want those chopped carrots your face?
VIC Don’t tease me anymore. Pour that soup on me.
VENDOR You sure? Alright then. One, two--
HE pours one over VIC’s head, then his own. They scream.
VENDOR Aaaaaah!!!!
VIC AAAAAH!!!!
VENDOR TOO HOT!!
VIC I’M BLIND AAAAAH!!!!!
VIC & VENDOR AAAAAAAH!!!!
Blackout.
Play 13. [AnimalCrackers.mp3]
Created using Celtx 30.
OLIVER______TWIST
BY JAMES AZZARETTI AND IBHAN KULKARNI
Lights up on 3 children huddled eating their cold soup. ADULT stands over them.
ADULT That’s right children, eat your cold gruel. Because that’s what you deserve, you dirty orphans.
ORPHAN Aw I hate being an orphan.
ADULT Well that’s to bad is what you are. Now back to your gruel.
OLIVER TWIST stands up and beings walking towards adult. The other kids whisper.
ADULT (CONT.) What’s this? Oliver twist! What could you want?
OLIVER P-p-please sir… may I have some pho.
ADULT More! You want… wait what did you say?
OLIVER May I have some pho.
ADULT Are you saying pho?
OLIVER Yes sir oh how I do ever want some pho.
ADULT I… I was prepared to say no to your request for more gruel. You’re asking me for pho?
OLIVER Oh yes, with thick broth and thin slices of beef and shallots and..
Created using Celtx 31.
ADULT No no I know what pho is. But you want pho in this orphanage?
ORPHAN It’s pronounced “Fuh”
ADULT I said back to your gruel! Now, Oliver this is an orphanage! I can’t believe I have to say this but we are spread VERY thin financially! Half of the blankets you all sleep in are just groups of loose rats.
Orphans react.
ADULT (CONT.) Yeah what of it? You all didn’t notice! Oliver why would we be spending what little money we have on bloody pho!
OLIVER Oh well… But sir?
ADULT What?
OLIVER May I have a banh mi!
ADULT What?
OLIVER It’s a sandwich served on a baguette with Pork slices and-
ADULT I know what a Banh Mi is!
ORPHAN It’s served on a baguette because the french once occupied Vietnam.
ADULT I know about the french occupation of vietnam! Oliver! We. Are. Poor! I said
Created using Celtx 32.
no to the pho now why would I say yes to a goddamn banh mi? Think Oliver!
OLIVER beings to walk away and then turns again.
ADULT Oliver I swear to god.
OLIVER What about a chicken saute (Sat-ey)?
ADULT Stop asking for Vietnamese food!
ADULT approaches OLIVER and kneels down to his level.
ADULT (CONT.) Listen Ollie, what’s going on? You used to be such a good orphan. What’s all this you got yourself spun up about?
OLIVER Well it’s just. Deep down all I want is to go to visit Vietnam and eat their food.
ADULT Oh Oliver. You’re an orphan. I don’t see how you’d be able to get to Vietnam, unless you enlisted and went to go fight in the Vietnam war. It’s 1968.
OLIVER Really I can? Hooray!
ADULT Wait what? You’d rather go fight in Vietnam than be an orphan? Is that-
OLIVER Hooray!
ORPHAN Wait what. He’d rather go fight in Vietnam than be an orphan?
ADULT Is… is that better than being an orphan?
Created using Celtx 33.
ORPHAN I’m not sure. I’m conflicted.
ADULT Which one is worse I don’t know how we’re going to decide this. So we’re going to let you decide. That’s right tonight this audience is going to decide once and for all what’s worse, Vietnam or orphan. Everyone take out your phones and text vote to 51773 for Vietnam and 51774 for orphan. Okay wow really? No one is taking out their phones? No one’s going to vote alright then fuck it lights up.Dmitry put the lights up!
House lights up.
ADULT Okay no more anonymous voting, I want to see hands alright. Okay now put them if you think that being an orphan is worse than Vietnam. Alright I’ve tallied up the votes..kids pack your bags. We’re all going to Vietnam!
The kids cheer.
House lights back down.
ADULT (CONT.) And the first round of Pho is on me.
Kids cheer more. Adult leads the kids offstage singing. Kids walk on their knees.
ADULT (CONT.) SING IT.
ORPHANS “it ain’t me, it ain’t me, I ain’t no fortunate soup!” (continue humming)
ADULT (Hand on Chill Orphan's shoulder) Come on, Chill Orphan. You’re gonna murder the most aren’t you.
Created using Celtx 34.
Blackout.
Play 14. [FortunateSon.mp3]
Lights up.
Bows
End.
Created using Celtx