THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY of AMERICA the Network Relations

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

The Network Relations Study

A DISSERTATION

Submitted to the Faculty of the

Department of Anthropology

School of Arts and Sciences

Of The Catholic University of America

In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements

For the Degree Doctor of Philosophy

Todd G. Pierce

Washington, D.C.

2011

The Network Relations Study

Todd G. Pierce Ph.D.

Director: Lucy M. Cohen, Ph.D.

African American women are amongst the fastest growing population of new HIV cases in the United States. Washington, D.C. represents the highest rates of HIV in the

United States. There are many contributing factors as to why African American women are at such risk. Poverty, violence, illegal drug use and histories of childhood sexual abuse are some of these factors. This dissertation examines the interplay between violence, social networks, drug abuse, sexual behaviors and HIV risk among African

American women in Washington, D.C. who have had lifelong histories as victims of violence and sexual abuse. Thirty-two months of ethnographic research was conducted with five selected women who have histories of drug abuse, sexual abuse and other forms of abuse and violence in their lives. Research was also conducted with harm reduction organizations, such as HIV risk reduction outreach and education organizations to assist in contextualizing the participating women’s lives. Neighborhood community data collected on issues of violence and social beliefs provided further social contexts in which to frame the lives of the participating women. A multi-methodological approach using participant observation, life history interviews, social network plotting and event recall interviews was utilized to illustrate and examine the effects of psychological and physical trauma brought on by experiences of violence and abuse, and how said trauma impact individual social and sexual practices. This research also examined ways in which cyclical violence and abuse within the participating women’s family and social network histories have influenced the women’s decision-making abilities with regards to HIV risk behaviors. This research illustrates the interplay between the self and social networks in relation to drug addiction and violence, and demonstrates how violence affects the self and limits human agency, especially in regard to HIV risk behaviors, and identifies the need to include childhood sexual abuse as a key indicator for risk of HIV and other diseases and social ailments.

This dissertation by Todd G. Pierce fulfills the dissertation requirement for the doctoral degree in anthropology approved by Lucy M. Cohen, Ph.D., as Director, and by David W. Guillet, Ph.D., and Mark Edberg, Ph.D. as Readers.

______Lucy M. Cohen, Ph.D., Director

______David W. Guillet, Ph.D., Reader

______Mark Edberg, Ph.D., Reader

Table of Contents

Ch 1: HIV, Violence and African American Women in Washington DC: An Epidemic State. Page 1

An Introduction Page 2 HIV and African American Women Page 5 HIV and Washington, D.C. Page 8 HIV and Violence Page 10 Research Goals Page 12 Representational Format Page 14

Ch 2: Structure of Violence Page 19 Thinking Through Violence Page 29 Contextualizing Violence Page 39 - Direct Political Violence Page 40 - Structural Violence Page 44 - Symbolic Violence Page 39 - Everyday Violence Page 50

Ch 3: Dialectics of Violence Page 54 Understand the Self Page 56 Understanding Terror Page 60 Terror and the Self Page 64 Terror and Habitus Page 71

Ch 4: Methodology, Research Area & The Process of Ethnography Page 79 Population Page 82 Life History Interviews Page 84 Event Recall Interviews Page 85 Network Plotting Page 85 Focus Group Page 87 Participant Observation Page 87 Research Area Washington, DC: Justitia Omnibus Page 91 Shots Fired Page 96 - Sept 19 th , 2008 Page 102 - Monday June 22 nd , 2009 Page 105 - Attempted Car Jacking During Outreach Page 109 - Fire in the Streets Page 112 - Night and Day Page 114

iii

Ch 5: Habitus of Terror and the Agency of Risk Page 118 Cathy Page 123

Ch 6: Emergence: Histories, Networks, Violence and the Self Page 159 Tracey Page 165 Karen Page 176 Nancy Page 188 Terror & Social Suffering Page 199

Ch 7: Testimony: One Woman’s Story Page: 204

Ch 8: Community and Concern Page: 253 Space and Meaning Page 257 Community, Structure and Innocence Page 265 Culture, Community & Cybernetic Networks Page 270 Death at a Funeral Page 273

Ch 9: The Biosocial Spheres of Terror Page 282 Syndemics Page 283 Social Ills Page 292 Social Suffering Page 301

Ch 10: All Angles: Syndemic Approaches to Harm Reduction Page 305 Harm Reduction Page 306 Social Support Page 308 Harm Reduction and Sex Workers Page 313 HIPS Page 315

Ch 11: Summary and Conclusions Page 329 Summary Page 330 Concluding Thoughts Page 335 Future Research Page 336

Appendices

Appendix A: Network Plotting Consent Form Page 339

Appendix B: Network Plotting Interview Guide Page 343

Appendix C: Event Recall Consent Form Page 345

Appendix D Event Recall Interview Guide Page 349

Appendix E: Life History Interview Consent Form Page 351

Appendix F: Life History Interview Guide Page 355

Appendix G: Focus Group Consent Form Page 357

Appendix H: Focus Group Interview Discussion Guide Page 361

Works Cited Page 362

List of Graphics and Images

The American Capital of HIV is Washington, DC Page 1

Aids is DC’s Katrina Page 8

Differentiating Forms and Expressions of Violence Page 38

C. Kret’s Truck Page 80

A typical U Street Storefront Row House Page 89

Satellite image of Washington, D.C. Page 92

U Street celebration of Barack Obama winning the presidential election Page 94

Crime Statistics Report Page 101

Front window of my building shot out Page 103

Bullet impact and ricochet Page 104

Overturned car of homicide victim Page 106

Police officer with drawn gun watching car burning Page 112

Todd Pierce at the 2010 D.C. Caribbean Festival Page 115

Image One: Cathy’s Original Network Plot Diagram Page 121

Image Two: Cathy’s Network Plot Illustrating Her immediate Networks Page 122

Intersection of 14 th and U Streets, NW Page 127

Image Three: Networks and Their Histories Page 132

Image Four: Spheres of Violence Page 141

Image Five: The Dialectical Relationship Between Networks, Histories, Violence and the Self Page 160

Network Plot: Tracey Page 164

Network Plot: Karen Page 175

Network Plot: Nancy Page 187

Fill the Sand with Spiders Page 204

All of my Failures Page 253

Candlelight Vigil for Neal Godleski Page 257

Candlelight Vigil for Neal Godleski (2) Page 260

Homicides in Washington, D.C. (1986-2005) Page 263

A picture of Parrot moments before he was shot by police Page 267

Social Media Map Page 270

Gentrification Kills Page 272

Gunman’s overturned car Page 273

Top ten states and Washington, D.C. STD Cases Page 286

Cathy’s Social Support Networks Page 310

HIPS Logo Page 315

vii

Chapter One:

HIV, Violence and African American Women in Washington, DC: An Epidemic State

Protest image via www.nikolasschiller.com 1 2

An Introduction

This dissertation is an exercise in anthropological theory, methodology and ethnographic representation that is led by the desire for practical application within the field of public health. The goal of this dissertation is to direct a critical lens toward the current discipline of anthropology, while also pressing forward in new directions. I shall utilize an anthropological and multidisciplinary approach as a means of addressing theory, method, representation and practice with regard to several cultural phenomena and social concerns.

I address the common social phenomenon of violence in its myriad forms from a cross-cultural perspective as a way of developing a unique ethnographic perspective. I then offer a similar theoretical treatment to the concept of the Self, which comprises humans as social creatures, and how violence may affect us - especially with regard to the amorphous concept of terror - and our behaviors. These two subjects are then embedded within a framework of networks on various levels, from the individual’s social networks to larger scales of neighborhood, municipality and beyond.

Because this is an ethnographic inquiry, the main source of data collection and interpretation must be addressed. The ethnographer is the main reflexive instrument from whom data of cultural process is gathered, interpreted and from which representations are created.

I began conducting research within the violent social contexts of street based economies and associated behaviors in 1990 in Hartford, Connecticut. It was there I

3 spent five years observing intricate details of a variety of drug use and sex worker micro- cultures and how the Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) spreads in real time, and affects lives, with real and devastating consequences for the individual and society.

While in Hartford I conducted research with hundreds of subjects in dozens of crack houses and shooting galleries. Hundreds of people with whom my colleagues and I at the

Hartford Hispanic Health Council conducted research have died, but out of our research and writings we impacted policies that saved other countless thousands from the suffering of HIV and death from AIDS in Connecticut, as well as nationally and globally.

I moved to Washington, D.C. in January 1995 to conduct similar research primarily in the Shaw and U Street neighborhoods in the City’s Northwest quadrant.

Since then I have conducted street- based research in Washington for fifteen years, focusing upon drug use and other behaviors considered high risk for HIV and other diseases 1. During this longitudinal process I have gained an insider’s perspective, not only on a wide variety of micro-cultural behaviors and processes but also on the perspective of a resident of the neighborhoods in which I conducted this research.

Therefore, my treatment of the issues discussed within this dissertation come from a perspective much different from that which an outside ethnographer might adopt. Both from my unique experiences as a researcher and resident, and from reflexive theoretical and methodological practice, I have come to my current research, analysis and writing.

One of the most prevalent characteristics I have found in twenty years of research within populations at highest risk of HIV is the ever-present violence found within the

4 environments of the people in my study groups. This powerful social phenomenon cannot be overlooked. Therefore my research focuses on the violence experienced by

African American women in Washington, D.C. who fall within what is considered to be

“high risk populations”.

This dissertation is one of exploration and analysis of facets of HIV and other social maladies, which call for further anthropological investigation. I have gathered data from crack cocaine users who are also sex workers and studied how the violence they have experienced in their lives (with a focus on childhood sexual abuse) may affect personal and sexual relations, risk of HIV and other diseases - as well as the impact of violence felt on several social network levels. I have investigated how networks (both individual egocentric based networks, and broader forms of social networks) can be visualized, how they interact and how the women and social networks express themselves with regard to violence. The focus of this study is centrally concerned with how we can better understand social networks in relation to the wider issues of violence and disease in people’s lives.

I will briefly touch upon perspectives and findings from a variety of disciplines, but this dissertation is by no means a literary review of the current state of knowledge on

HIV risk behavior, intervention methods, evaluations or policy. Although I write from a psychological and medical anthropological perspective, I am not offering views or reviews of these issues from the available psychological or other disciplinary findings and developments. When those appear useful within my framework of theoretical

discussion I shall draw upon them, but this dissertation is primarily an exercise in

anthropology.

This research is an ethnographic look at violence and abuse as experienced by a

sample group of African American women in Washington, D.C. and how their histories

of violence have affected their lives - with a focus on HIV risk behavior. This writing

seeks to demonstrate ways of viewing networks on multiple levels, the risks that various

levels may have with regard to HIV and violence, how these risks or concerns about them

play out within the arena of life, and how they are represented.

The remainder of this chapter will briefly outline some relevant issues pertaining

to HIV, African American women (with a focus on Washington, D.C.), violence and

childhood sexual abuse. I will then discuss goals, data collection and desired findings, as

well as my format of ethnographic text, including theory, method and data.

HIV and African American Women

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) consider HIV an epidemic if 1% of the population is infected. Washington, DC has an average infection rate of 2.5%. The City is broken into “wards”, and as a Washington, D.C. Department of Health report indicates,

“When the distribution of HIV/AIDS cases in the District was examined, the rates of persons living with HIV / AIDS at the end of 2007 were calculated as greater than 1% in all wards, with the exception of Ward 3” (ibid) 2.

HIV disproportionately affects African American women in the United States.

Poverty, violence, sexual abuse and drug misuse have compounded risks of HIV infection for black women. This research aims to provide a better understanding of violence and disease and how they relate to the personal experiences of African American women in

Washington, DC – a group with the highest overall population HIV rate of any city in the

United States.

Ethnicity and gender, as factors for HIV transmission and survival care, are of vital importance to national and international HIV prevention and other health groups.

Many studies, some anthropologically informed or directed and most epidemiological in nature, continually stress the importance of ethnicity and gender with regard to HIV prevention and care. The following is from the official Centers for Disease Control website (CDC.gov 3):

“Of all racial and ethnic groups in the United States, HIV and AIDS have hit African Americans the hardest. The reasons are not directly related to race or ethnicity, but rather to some of the barriers faced by many African Americans. These barriers can include poverty (being poor), sexually transmitted diseases, and stigma (negative attitudes, beliefs, and actions directed at people living with HIV/AIDS or directed at people who do things that might put them at risk for HIV).

When we look at HIV/AIDS by race and ethnicity, we see that African Americans have:

• More illness. Although blacks (including African Americans) account for 13% of the US population, they account for nearly half (49%) of those who contract HIV and AIDS. • Shorter survival times. Blacks with AIDS often don’t live as long as people of other races and ethnic groups with AIDS. This is due to the barriers mentioned above. • More deaths. For African Americans and other blacks, HIV/AIDS is a leading cause of death.

According to information from thirty-three states, during 2005:

• Among men living with HIV/AIDS, 41% were black. • Among women living with HIV/AIDS, 64% were black.

For black women, the most common ways of getting HIV are (in order of prevalence):

• Having unprotected sex with a man who has HIV. • Sharing injection drug “works” (needles or syringes) with someone who has HIV.

Blacks at higher risk for HIV are those:

• Who are unaware of their partner's risk factors. • With other STDs (which affect more blacks than any other racial or ethnic group). • Who live in poverty, 25% of all blacks. ”

The CDC states “In fact, if new HIV infections continue at their current rate

worldwide, women with HIV may soon outnumber men with HIV.” (CDC.gov 4) This sobering fact is nowhere better demonstrated than via African American women in

Washington, D.C. where the D.C. Department of Health reported, “Heterosexual sexual contact was the leading mode of transmission among newly reported HIV cases in the

District in the 2007 report.” (doh.dc.gov 5). Also: “The surveillance report documented what many of us knew and believed, that a heterosexual African-American epidemic was parallel to the gay HIV epidemic.” (A. Toni Young, Executive Director, Community

Education Group, from the D.C. Department of Health Report, see endnote 3).

“AIDS is DC’s Katrina” A poster displayed in hundreds of locations in Washington, DC by the HIV political action group Aids Healthcare Foundation. www.AidsHealth.org

HIV and Washington, DC

In the District of Columbia, the numbers of African American women with HIV is shockingly higher than that of white women. In 2007 the rates per 100,000 of all women with HIV was 159.4. The rate for black women was 2,593.6. (ibid), more than sixteen

9 times that of white women in the District. Black women represent 25.8 percent of all cases of HIV in the District (ibid), and the major reported transmission mode for all new cases of HIV in 2007 was heterosexual sex (56.9%), followed by injection drug use at

29.7%) (ibid). Having unprotected sex with men that the women did not know were HIV positive infected many.

“The very city that is home to the capitol of the most powerful country in the world has an HIV/AIDS rate that is not only the nation’s highest, but rivals some African countries…HIV/AIDS is wrapped in a thicket of American prejudices and discomfort about homosexuality, race, class, and drugs—all of which fuel opposition to life-saving programs like needle exchange. Federal denial of funding for clean syringe programs has created both a higher incidence of the disease and helped shift its demographic to one that is increasingly poor, black and Hispanic. And as the only city in the nation with no state government, Washington D.C. has suffered in a particularly cruel way from this lack of federal government support... The rate of HIV/AIDS in the District is higher than that of Dakar and Port-au-Prince, two other capital cities where the disease has threatened to wreak havoc, but where prevention efforts have had some success.” – The Other City 6

Much of my research data was collected in Ward 1, which has an infection rate of

2.5%. Although the statistics presented by the Washington, D.C. Department of Health do not break down the rates of HIV in each ward by ethnicity or gender, they do mirror the demography of the city. Wards where more white people live (like Ward 3) are much lower in HIV infection rates than those that are primarily black. Furthermore, if one factors out the white residents from wards with higher rates of HIV, the actual rates of infection for the Washington, D.C. black population is many times higher than the CDC

1% epidemic standard - and much more than 2.5% for a city average overall. Some 2009

reports show a rate of 3% or more, higher than rates of certain African countries 7). One

D.C. Health Department research project (2006-2007) 8 reported HIV rates among study participants (n= 750) as over 5%, with rates among women at more than 6%. At a reported 6.3%, women in DC represent more than six times the CDC epidemic standard.

Washington, D.C. - the capital of the United States and a city unto itself without the financial resources of “real” states like its larger and wealthier neighbors - is in a state of epidemic.

HIV and Violence

People who have experienced childhood sexual abuse and other traumatic life situations are at higher risk than others for HIV and other diseases (Sikkema 2008 and

2007, Fox 2007, Marlow 2006, Myers 2006, Tarakeshwar 2005, Briere 2004). Compared

to the general population, people living with HIV are almost twice as likely to have been

victims of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) (Sikkema et al, 2008:506-507).

“The association between CSA and later engagement in sexual risk behaviors has been well documented, with CSA linked to sex work, sexual risk behavior, multiple sex partners, substance abuse, and adult sexual victimization. Many of the psychological consequences of CSA, such as low self-esteem, dissociation, denial, avoidance, and self-destructiveness, are also associated with HIV risk behavior. Additionally, HIV-positive adults with histories of CSA engage in more HIV risk behaviors than those without such histories” (ibid).

Other forms of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) can be associated with

HIV risk (CDC.gov 9) In a study of adverse childhood experiences (ACE Study,

collaborative study between the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and Kaiser

Permanente’s Health Appraisal Clinic conducted from 1995 to 1997) researchers

11 categorized ten types of experiences (sexual abuse, neglect, violence, drug abuse and others) and concluded that the number and frequency of adverse experiences causes

“toxic stress”, which often leads to future health and behavioral problems later in life, including but not limited to depression, suicide, higher risk sexual behaviors and drug abuse (Middlebrooks, et al, 2008:2). The ACE study identified subjects who had experienced four or more of the ten categorized experiences as being at highest risk for a multitude of health, behavioral, psychological and other related disorders.

“Intensive and prolonged stress can lead to a variety of short- and long- term negative health effects. It can disrupt early brain development and compromise functioning of the nervous and immune systems. In addition, childhood stress can lead to health problems later in life including alcoholism, depression, eating disorders, heart disease, cancer, and other chronic diseases.” - Middlebrooks, et al, 2008:4

Although my research did not utilize the methods or instruments of the ACE study, it was not difficult to correlate the high HIV risk of the women who participated in this study with the numerous adverse experiences they had endured. Many of the women participants fall within the highest ACE category of four or more adverse childhood experiences, with most recounting more than six.

In Washington, D.C., African American women with a history of drug abuse often report histories of extensive violence. Based on findings from my years of research in

Washington DC, many African American women have experienced physical violence, childhood neglect and Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA) as well as cycles of continuous violence throughout adulthood. This violence affects the Self 10 of these women and

12 impedes their decision-making ability in regard to HIV prevention and sexual behaviors.

The violence may have psychological effects upon the Self, such as dissociative disorders and other symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). In the D.C. Department of Health study of Heterosexual Relationships and HIV in Washington, D.C. (2007:15) researchers found that 48.9% of the women interviewed had experienced depressive symptoms within the past week, compared to 36.3% of men. 46.7% of women also reported being emotionally or physically abused in their lifetimes compared to 25.7% of the men. 11 In this same study, more than 60% of participants were African American women; most were between the ages of 30 and 50 (ibid). As discussed below, this is the population within which I have conducted research for this study.

Research Goals

This research is not a direct study of HIV or the risks of contracting or spreading it. There have been numerous studies already conducted that identify the variables of

HIV risk and prevention. The D.C. Department of Health has funded research with

George Washington University for the past decade that specifically addresses a multitude of HIV related issues within the City resulting in some of the most comprehensive research to date (DC HIV / AIDS Behavioral Surveillance Technical Report, 2009). 12

This D.C. / GWU study and others nationally are usually large scale and team-based.

Although I have participated in such studies, the present research is based on single authored research. Some of the HIV-related issues that I shall address are

• How do the life experiences of African American women 13 , within contexts of violence and abuse 14 , affect their decision-making processes in relation to HIV prevention practices?

• How do social networks increase or decrease the risk of violence and HIV prevention practices?

• How does the use of illicit drugs affect their HIV risk reduction behaviors?

Another issue of essential concern to this research is how violence is portrayed, practiced and reproduced within immediate networks of the individual and neighborhood or larger social networks within the city.

Women who participated in the research were selected based on histories of violence within their lives, from childhood sexual abuse to sexual abuse later in life and in some instances current. Between early 2008 and late 2010 (34 months in total) I resided within my research area and conducted ethnographic data collection with women recruited from the street-based, drug using and sex worker (sex for money and / or drugs) population in Washington, D.C.

This study will address several issues I consider important to better understanding of the relationship between violence and the lives of the target group women and levels of social networks. In this regard, my research takes a holistic or syndemic approach to understanding disease and social well being. I will expand that orientation to include the foundations of a holistic anthropological approach. From social domination on the micro-network levels to the larger issues of violence within the community overall, we will explore new concepts of the representation of the Self, community tensions and

14 change, as well as use of communication technologies for community building and expression.

Representational Format

This ethnography is arranged in three sections: (1) conceptualization and data collection, (2) analysis of data (3) a final section that illustrates the impact of violence on broader social network levels, analysis of disease from both a critical and syndemic perspective, and how the syndemic approach is put into action through harm reduction practices. The final section will also include the summary and conclusion of this study.

Before examining the objective and research questions, several key concepts must be addressed. In the first section of this text, I present theory and methods. In Chapters

Two and Three I address the more salient theoretical concerns important to understand violence and the relation between violence and the Self. I will also present a format to analyze violence in these women’s lives. Chapter Two will address ways of organizing the subject of violence to facilitate its study. Chapter Three will examine various aspects involved in the study of the impact of violence on the lives of women. These two chapters draw on social science literature from various world areas, with emphasis on cross-cultural aspects within political and psycho-social contexts.

Chapter Four presents descriptions of the research area and ethnographic methods utilized to address the objectives of this research. In addition to methods employed,

Chapter Four will include also reflective and experiential perspectives regarding the research site, in order to facilitate a better understanding of the research process itself.

In the second part of this text (Chapters Five through Seven) I will present the collected ethnographic findings in detail and analyze these in relation to the main research objectives and questions. Chapter Five will address the life history and social networks of an individual case study - illustrative of how one person’s history and her social networks play a role in violence she experiences and in efforts to prevent HIV.

Chapter Six will present several meta-narrative testimonials from other women who participated in this research, to illustrate the interconnectiveness of their histories, networks and the violence in their lives. Chapter Seven will present one woman’s personal life history as a continuous meta-narrative.

The third section of this text begins with Chapter Eight, examining the concerns of violence at the neighborhood community level and illustrating the use of new social media communication technologies that expand current anthropological concepts of social network analysis. Chapter Nine focuses on the syndemics of disease, and how this approach impacts our understanding of risk networks and diseases within and between networks, and syndemic approaches to HIV intervention. Chapter Ten presents a way of addressing syndemics through modern harm reduction approaches and presents a case study of an outreach organization that utilizes these methods.

Chapter Eleven then concludes with a summary of the main findings of the investigation.

The discussions and data presented introduced in sections two and three will often make reference to the theoretical concepts in section one. It is my intention to relate specific data and other subject matter to theoretical concepts designed to guide the research. Selected segments are utilized to express not only theoretical concepts, but also ethnographic context.

Notes for Chapter One

1 Below I offer a brief summary of the research I have conducted in Washington, DC prior to that for this dissertation.

1998 - 1999 MEDICAL ANTHROPOLOGIST/ RESEARCH ASSOCIATE Compliance With HIV Retroviral Therapies NOVA Research Company, Inc. (Dr. Mark Williams PI.) Study of compliance to HIV anti-viral treatments with crack using HIV+ African Americans. My responsible for qualitative data collection and analysis. This study focused on current medical treatments of HIV+ respondents, within the context of their life, drug use, and sexual experience histories. Also, Barriers to treatment, beliefs on medications for HIV, perceptions of primary and secondary medical treatment were investigated to determine influencing factors to compliance of HIV anti-viral treatment. This study also investigated the illegal selling of anti-viral medications on the street.

1996 - 1998 MEDICAL ANTHROPOLOGIST/ RESEARCH ASSOCIATE Study of the Efficacy of an HIV Risk Reduction Intervention targeting Crack users NOVA Research Company, Inc. The IRPG Study of the sexual risk behaviors of crack users in Washington, D.C. Mark Williams, Ph.D. is the P.I. on this project, which is funded through a grant from NIDA, and is a multi-site project (D.C., Miami, and Immocalee). My responsibilities include: field operations for data collection, management, data entry, respondent recruitment, tracking, interviewing (qualitative and quantitative), community contacts, and ethnographic data collection.

1995 - 1996 CONSULTANT/ETHNOGRAPHER The Community Epidemiological Work Group T. Head and Company, Inc. The Community Epidemiology Work Group. Mike Agar, Ph.D. was the P.I. for this research effort, a pilot study of white heroine users ages 18 to 30 from the D.C. metropolitan area (NIDA contract NO. No1DA-35201). Responsibilities included: Research concept and

17 creation, methodological and analytical design, implementation, ethnographic data collection, and analysis of data. Data collection was performed with several risk and social networks of young white heroine users, both IDU and other forms of use within their natural environments. I was the sole researcher for this pilot. All data reports and field activities were reported to Mike Agar, Ph.D. for T. Head and Company, Inc.

1995 - 1996 ETHNOGRAPHHER / RESEARCH ANALYST The Networks Project The National Opinion Research Center (NORC), University of Chicago, Washington, D.C. Drug Research Branch. Susan Su, Ph.D. was the P.I. on this project, a multi-site NIDA contract for pilot ethnographic and epidemiological data collection with injection drug users (IDUs) in Washington, D.C. and Chicago, Ill. Responsibilities included the design, implementation and coordination of ethnographic research protocol for data collection with IDUs from both cities. Other responsibilities included oversight of implementation of the projects, epidemiological instruments field activities (to include respondent recruitment) and the collection of extensive ethnographic data on the nature of IDU social and risk networks within Washington, D.C.

2 Ward 3 is where the high-income area of Georgetown is located

3 From the CDC website page: http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/aa/index.htm

4 From the CDC website page: (http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/women/index.htm

5 From the DC Dept or Health site: DC HIV/AIDS Behavioral Surveillance Technical Report http://doh.dc.gov/doh/frames.asp?doc=/doh/lib/doh/pdf/dc_hiv- aids_2008_updatereport.pdf

6 The Other City. A documentary film about HIV in DC by Susan Kock et.al. 2010. www.theothercity.com

7 www.FightAIDSobama.com reports a 3% or higher rate of HIV for DC.

8 D.C. Department of Health pdf file: http://doh.dc.gov/doh/frames.asp?doc=/doh/lib/doh/pdf/dc_hiv_heterosexualstudy.pdf

9 From the CDC website page: http://www.cdc.gov/nccdphp/ace/prevalence.htm#ACED

10 The concept of the self will be defined and discussed in greater detail in chapter three of this text.

11 http://doh.dc.gov/doh/frames.asp?doc=/doh/lib/doh/pdf/dc_hiv_heterosexualstudy.pdf

12 The D.C. Department of Health funded the DC HIV/AIDS Behavioral Surveillance Technical Report that was conducted by the The George Washington University School

18 of Public Health and Health Services Department of Epidemiology and Biostatistics. A full report (2008) can be found on the D.C. DOH website at http://doh.dc.gov/doh/frames.asp?doc=/doh/lib/doh/pdf/dc_hiv_surveillance__summary.p df

13 African American Women who are users of crack cocaine and/or heroin, and who are sex workers in Washington, D.C.

14 For purposes of this research, violence includes physical, emotional, or sexual aspects. Violence may also be symbolic in nature, or structurally informed. Abuse may refer to violent actions perpetrated against the victim of the violence but also may include drug abuse. Sexual abuse in this study will signify the most common definitions of sexual abuse but may also refer to emotional and physical abuse and neglect. There is variation in the ways researchers have defined CSA, from adults exposing their genitals to a child to forced sex. This variety has caused some concern for comparisons and outcomes of research. I here define CSA as a continuum ranging from mild to extreme (Senn et al, 2008:725).

Chapter Two

Structures of Violence

Anthropological studies of violence are wide spanning and vary in approach. My analysis seeks to add to the body of knowledge within the discipline of anthropology regarding my research topic. The goals of this chapter are to review some of the main theoretical and ethnographic data on how types of violence have been organized within anthropology, and to adapt these theories and studies to form a perspective that would best suit the purposes and objectives of this research. Once this perspective has been established, it will act as a guide post for the research - in order to obtain the objective of properly investigating the relationship between forms of violence that are experienced by

African American women in Washington D.C., and risk of HIV.

I have conducted research with illicit drug users (crack cocaine and heroin) in

Washington, D.C. from 1995 to the present. It was through my previous research, which focused primarily on HIV risk behaviors, that I have come to this current research that focuses on the issue of violence in relation to HIV. Within this chapter I present some opinions and analysis from other anthropologists, but will also include information and quotes from people (African American men and women) with whom I conducted research in the past. The quotes used in this chapter come from previous years of research that I conducted 1. Data from this current research will be presented in Chapter

Four and throughout the remainder of the text.

Anthropological studies of violence have developed along with the discipline itself over the past hundred years. In many ethnographic studies today, it is hard to

19 20 avoid issues of violence (Sluka, 1990). From domestic abuse and terrorism to cyber- attacks and global economic wars, it is an unavoidable facet of everyday life and the ethnographic experience. Although some ethnographers may not address the issue of violence directly, they do endeavor to understand its power and effects within cultures.

Before I can discuss how the interplay of personal histories, networks, violence and HIV intersect and affect the lives of the selected African American women in

Washington, D.C., I will first discuss the larger theoretical concepts which can contribute to a better understanding and analysis of the subject matter. The underlying tenet of this chapter is that in order to understand the violence of an individual, we must understand the individual’s positioning or habitus on the local level. This includes its history, symbols and meanings within time, space and practice. As Jeremy MacClany states:

The groups of people with whom anthropologists work may be small, but the issues they deal with can be enormous. Just because one is studying the lives of a relatively restricted number of people does not mean that the ramifications of the analysis might not be very extensive. For if the world is the ultimate geographical limit of anthropology, then nothing less than the nature of humanity is its ultimate intellectual limit. (2002:9)

We endeavor to understand and conceptualize violence in a way that offers insight into how violence affects risk of HIV in the lives of African American women in

Washington, D.C. I offer a context where violence and risk of HIV are inextricably connected, from which we can build upon this discussion: sex for crack. The powerful gender symbolisms created and used by men within this habitus are often expressed violently. Bourgois (1993:123) describes how the “crack whore” has become the carrier

21 of a social stigma. Female crack addicts are often subject to violence by men who cannot function sexually due to the effect of crack on their bodies (ibid). These women may allow men to have unsafe sex with them if they are in desperate need for the drug which they’re addicted to, or women may be beaten up for refusing to have sex without a condom or because the man cannot achieve orgasm. Female crack addicts are often the focus of male violence and aggression for reasons not related to them personally at all.

One African American woman in her late 30’s, who trades sex for crack, discussed with me her experiences of violence in her adult life and how she is subject and a witness to violence on a daily basis.

[This] guy (her trick) had owed him (a drug dealer) some money and he was gonna make an example out of me to show him in there that if he didn’t have his money, that this was what he was gonna do to him. He pistol whipped me, and I’m sitting at the table with 4 or 5 men and nobody didn’t help me, nobody did not help me, I mean, my eyes were black and blue, knock me straight out, I didn’t know what was going on, and then when he pulled me back up and started pulling my hair, I said ‘Why you doing this, why you doing this to me’, and he said, ‘Shut up bitch, shut up... I be back in two hours and if you don’t have my money, I’m gonna blow [away] everybody in the house’. It was a dealer, yeah, he just got out the jail, I prosecuted him and everything, they went to jail and everything, I think he did, what, three years or four years, he just got out, yeah he’s back out there now. I saw him the other day, ‘Look at that bitch who sent me to jail’, and I went up to him, I said ‘Well why you cussing me out, I didn’t do nothing to you, so why you have to whup me?’ He say, ‘It’s a man thing, you was the only woman there, so it’s a man thing’.

For the women of this study, violence is commonplace in their lives. The woman quoted above was sexually abused at the age of five by her father, and had been continually abused as a child and teenager by him and others. She had also been gang

22 raped at the age of 13. Many of the women in this study reported experiencing sexual, physical, and mental abuse and neglect as children. Understanding these forms of violence may give us some insight into the causality of their addictions, and more importantly can offer us information that can assist in HIV intervention. It helps to establish basic data about the historical social and psychological trauma that these women have gone through in their lives, which in turn affects how they receive, understand and implement HIV interventions.

Men control women’s sexuality and behaviors within crack use contexts.

Women may be used in any sexual way the men desire. Some may consider this statement an argument against the true agency of the women with whom I have conducted research. This statement is not meant to nullify their agency. It instead is a statement about addiction to crack cocaine. For those who have not experienced addiction in their lives, I describe what these women addicts might feel as similar to a poisonous snakebite - you’ll do anything for the antidote to save yourself.

Beyond sexual exploitation, the women may endure extreme emotional and physical trauma in their efforts to get crack from men. Below, the woman cited above describes a crack house she goes to, the activities into which women are coerced, and the way she feels about and reacts to this:

[In this one crack house] everybody’s naked, everybody just get naked (the houseman makes them. It’s a house rule) we all just sit around and smoke, smoking naked and somebody might want to taste this or see you taste that girl, I told him, I say ‘I can’t taste no other girl cause I’m not that far, I’m not that far gone yet to go to another woman’. . .So if I won’t do

it, then another woman would do it and then they would give her a nice 20, a nice 50, and then she’ll go over there and start on a woman and go on down. And we’re all sitting there watching, sitting there watching, what else is there to do unless you sitting up there hidden in the smoke, ain’t nothing, it’s . . .We’re all in the same room, unless a man asks specifically that he want to go be by himself, but most time they all come in there, it’s like gang-sex. Everybody’s doing what they wanta do and then there’s the rocks all on the table. I might suck a man, have a man inside of me. Yeah, everybody’s watching. When you’re having sex there, people saying stuff but I’ll put myself in this, I’ll be in another world where I don’t hear nothing, just tune everything out . And they’ll say, uh, damn, that man got a big dick. Yeah, they’ll say ‘Do it, do it, spread her legs open, make her turn over, man you don’t know how to fuck.’ And then the houseman got this rubber dick, it’s a big long, I don’t know what size, but it’s a big one, he’ll pull it out there. He say ‘That bitch pussy so big, let me put this up there.’

And then they want to play with that all in there and they want to ease it, I don’t do the butt, but then they’ll say ‘Why don’t we put this in your butt and I’ll give you $50’, and I go ‘oh no, I can barely shit and you think I’ll let somebody put a dick up in me’. If they get $50, just about all them girls around there are well broken in from A to Z, they do everything and got no shame... Oral sex, sex with the rubber dicks, sex with them looking at the book and the man just jerking off, and you got another man that just wanta be with another man, and you wants someone to watch and you got a people in there who just wanta smell your feet or there’s all kind of stuff, whatever a guy want and you gonna do it... I have one, penis in my mouth and dick in my pussy and then he want me to turn over and the guy come in from the behind while I’m on the doggy style with the dick in my mouth, then I had one guy, he just want to come in my hair and then another one wants to come all over my body, oh man, I tell you, and then the house, man, don’t have no running water, so you got to get all these buckets of water and try to wash yourself up, oh you got come all over you, you trying to scrub it off and all that, it’s an unclean house but it’s a house where you can go in and hit because you don’t want to hit outside... It’s fun to be smoking coke, the sex part, no.

I just want to smoke my coke, that’s it . But I have to do the sex to get some more coke... Oh it’s hell, when I go home sometimes it takes me 2 weeks to get this shit out of my mind or just to come back around cause I be so burned out and so stressed out, I think that’s why I don’t like sex

because of this shit that I be doing, when I go to make love with my husband I can’t do it no more because I’m so burnt. I don’t like sex, I don’t like sex and I don’t like to make love to my husband, I think, it’s just all in my mind, well Lord, I might have been with somebody who might have AIDS and it takes what, so many years and I go for my test, it keep coming back negative, but I just don’t know.

The woman above goes on to discuss how when she is in a crack house (any crack house) she is “really not there.” She tells me she feels as if her mind is somewhere else, or in a “daydream.” She is not thinking about what she is physically doing in the crack house, or the reasons why she’s there. Rather, she’s simply going through the motions.

This respondent’s explicit account of what she must do to satisfy her need for crack illustrates how it has affected her life on multiple levels. She describes the way men control women in the crack house, how they are physically and emotionally exploited, how what she is coerced to do has traumatized her emotionally and the potential long- term physical harm she may endure. She finds it very difficult to maintain a “normal” relationship with her husband, and finds it hard to even think about sex because of its association with crack, abusive men, the sexual abuse she had to endure as a child and the continued sexual abuse she has endured. Unfortunately, her story is not unusual. Many other women interviewed in similar circumstances have reported identical stories about the effect it has had on their lives. Below is another woman’s testimony on the interrelated topics of crack use, sex work, condom use and violence:

The majority of prostitutes I know, as I put it, not the high-class scale, but the middle-class and lower-scale ones around this area here, they don't

fuckin' use no protection, y’know. They lower themselves and do shit that would probably fuckin' make 'em get it twice as quick because the crack or whatever has got 'em so bad, that, y’know, they'll suck somebody's mother-fuckin' dick for just a pull off of the stem, after you done put the crack on it and got the head, they'll turn around and suck a person's fuckin' dick just for the flip. Yeah, that's just how fuckin' low-life a lot of 'em has gotten out here, man...dog, blow jobs, fuck, anal sex, uh, some men like you to jerk 'em off, some of them want you to show them parts of your body or whatever while they're jerkin' off.

I've ran across one or two freaks that have asked me to fuckin' piss on their chest or shit on their chest. Yeah, I mean, you got some that want to suck your toes, no bullshit, this is for real. Um, a majority of them are coming, the freaky, freaky ones are like strangers, and then there's a couple of 'em that, y’know, they come out of Virginia or Maryland. The freaky ones, like shittin' on their chests and all that, is like one guy I know is black, but the other two I know are white. They all pay different. Yeah. Usually a half and half, which is like a blow job and pussy, starts, it should with me anyway, starts at $25 or $30 for half and half. A blow job, the minimum that I will accept is $10. But I've got paid as much as $30. Other women, these bitches out here will suck a dick, like I said, for a drink, for a hit of crack, $2, y’know. But most of 'em, like I said, most of the girls out here I know, they will, they want $10. What they really want is $10, y’know, enough to get a fuckin' rock. The crack culture is 24 hours, 24 fuckin' hours a day. And the crack thing, the drugs, the gettin' high, and the sex, is daytime, and is 24 hours. The prostitutes that's doin' the crack is out there around the clock, too, 24 hours, they daytime, nighttime, Twenty-four hours a day. The drug thing is not all just limited to certain times, the prostitution thing, like I said, the crack thing, that shit's around the mother-fuckin' clock.

On condom use and domestic violence with a boyfriend:

With my mate, my boyfriend, I hate it. Because I feel like there should be enough trust and I should be actin' right where I shouldn't have to use a condom with him. And if I do have to use a condom with him because I went out there and fucked around with somebody else or whatever, I feel like a piece of shit because I had to use that condom. We talk about it. I got a black eye . . . this is the second black eye I got from talkin' about it, talkin' about fuckin' around with somebody else and him havin' to end up usin' condoms.

The one time was like he stopped usin' the condom after I went and had, y’know, the syphilis, gonorrhea, and some other tests, he stopped usin' a condom after we both went to the doctor. We had an argument about a couple of days prior to that and, y’know, he hustles and shit, y’know, and he's one of the few men out here that, when he met me I was turnin' dates, and started off as friends, started havin' feelings, get sex goin' and then you start havin' a relationship. And the second time he popped me in the eye about 4 days ago, was we had this feud and he was bitchin' about how I was such an ungrateful mother-fucker, y’know, not sayin' thank you or whatever when he was givin' me drugs, and this and that. I'm always talkin' smart out of my fuckin' mouth, so he had told me, y’know, I had to earn it or go out there and get my own or whatever, so I went out there and got my own or whatever, and I ain't seen him all that day and then when he did show up, I got in the truck with him and rode over to the Gardens, got some dope, got a rock and shit, and got high. And then the next thing I know, he took a hit and he started talkin' some off-the-wall bullshit and I had hid a little bit of dope before he picked me up, and he had asked me what was I gonna do with the dope, right? So, I told him, well, look, and I shouldn't even have to talk like this 'cause this is my boyfriend, but because he had told me, y’know, prior to go out there and gotta get my own work, I wanted to say, ‘Fuck the boyfriend now, I done made a new friend. I'm gonna deal with you like a street person, just like I deal with anybody else.’ So, he said, ‘What you gonna do with the dope?’ I said, ‘Well, look, you can have it.’ And then he said, ‘Well, it ain't probably enough. I'm probably gonna have to get some more to go with it.’ And I said, ‘I know you will, too, because it ain't enough there and I know how much of a habit, a tolerance that you and I got.’ So, then I told him, I said, ‘Well, if you don't want it, then,’ I said, ‘I'll take a little pinch of dope on up to Tony's house with me, the dude I done turned the date with.’

I said, ‘Look, it's about $5 worth of dope. If you want to buy a rock, just give me $5 worth of rock for the dope, then.’ Right, and the whole time I was talkin' with him, I knew this was a fucked-up way to be talkin' with my boyfriend, okay? So, when we went over to Potomac Gardens, we stopped and got a rock first and hit some of that, then when we got to Potomac Gardens, we got another rock and got some dope and parked over there where we usually part at. And we both got high, and he was a little ticked off because he has a hard time gettin' a hit and then his dope wasn't up to par like he wanted it to be, so he was gettin' a little bit of

27 a attitude, plus, he was pissed off that he knew I had went out there and turned a couple of dates prior to seein' him, and somebody else had took me earlier with the money I had made to go buy my drugs, let me, oh, and I gave him a little bit of my drugs and shit, and he didn't like that shit, y’know. 'Cause if I was gonna go out there and suck somebody's dick or somethin' and I had that money, I should've waited and came back and waited for him. Even though he don't like that period to begin with, but at least he would've wanted it to be the other way, so when he bought the shit and we got high and everything, he was a little disappointed in how everything turned out.

I was sittin' there on the sofa and the next thing I know he started standin' over the top of me and the profanity was comin' and I said, y’know, I said, ‘Hey, I don't have no more to say, 'cause I can feel the violence and the hostility comin'.’ And the next thing I know I was like smacked upside the face, upside the back of my head. Next thing I know, he popped me in my fuckin' eye, then he choked me and shit, y’know, he's like tellin' me, ‘Bitch, mother-fuckin' smile.’ And I'm like, ‘Hey, there ain't a mother-fuckin' thing to smile about. You sittin' here whoppin' my mother-fuckin' ass, and this shit's hurtin' me, and you want me to mother- fuckin' smile.’ Y’know. So, then, when he got done beatin' my ass or whatever, y’know, it was like, I started packin' some of my shit up and I told him, I said, ‘Y’know, you can just take me back to Northwest or whatever 'cause I'm not puttin' up with this shit, y’know, I've had it, y’know. Every time you keep tellin' me you're not gonna fuckin' hit me any more, you do it and you do it a whole lot quicker because, even as these talk shows say, once the domestic violence is there, it's easier done each fuckin' time.’ So, y’know, after he done this shit and I packed my shit. . .

Uh, we're comin' back across the bridge, gettin' ready to come back to Northwest and he got it in his mind that he gonna go hustlin' after he done done this to me, y’know, 'cause I guess he just set there and thought about it, y’know, and what not.Then, after that, y’know, I'm thinkin' comin' down the highway, that he's gonna go ahead and bring me on over to Northwest and drop me off. Instead, I'm sittin' in the back and I'm goin' through my clothes to get my shit together and the next thing I know, this mother-fucker's en route to Virginia to go hustlin' after he done whopped the shit out of me, okay. So, then, when he goes hustlin' and he gets the little sting, he comes back and he's like, ‘Oh, BJ, man, I just got this, I just got that, y’know.’ But when the money run out, he's a miserable mother-

fucker and I got to put up with this. So, when he made this sting and seen that there was a couple hundred dollars in the picture and he needed me also at that time of the morning to go to a couple of people and try to sell this shit, excuse me, he tried to be nicer to me. And, then, at the end of the night, he apologized, you know, and he made love to me and shit, y’know, and tried to patch it all up.

And then, boom, always, y’know, a couple of people seen my black eye and say why do I put up with it, y’know, this and that. And I say it all comes with the mother-fuckin' territory, okay. Okay, when you (inaudible), you can expect an ass-whoppin' or somethin' gonna go along with the deal, right? Y’know. And if you ain't got no pimp, whoever's watchin' your back, y’know, it all comes with the territory .

Violence in this woman’s life is so intricately related to other forms of violence, social relations (abusive or drug use relationships, or prostitution) and her political economy (the structural violence that may be represented within her life) that it seems inescapable and expected. If all aspects of culture are interrelated on both micro and macro levels, how can we define and discuss the type of violence presented in this case?

How can we truly understand and conceptualize this violence in a way that enlightens us theoretically?

Thinking Through Violence

Violence is often reified, taken as a characteristic or category that is either present or absent within a society or group, making it difficult to examine the role it plays in social relations or to examine it as an alternative people use to deal with human predicaments. (Carole Nagenast, 1994:111)

Over the past two decades, anthropologists who focus their ethnographic attention on issues of violence have concluded that violence is not an extraordinary aspect of culture. Rather, it is an everyday part of most human’s lives. Warfare, rape, child / spousal abuse, terrorism and other forms of violence have not been uncommon in human history. Most often, historians and anthropologists have “otherfied” violence, dramatically decontextualizing its action, meaning and effects. Carole Nagenast

(1994:109-135) discusses how anthropologists in the early and mid-twentieth century viewed and studied violence, noting that it is indeed difficult to define “actually what constitutes violence” (p111). She mentions the works of Riches (1986) and Bourdieu

(1977). Riches states that violence can be “practical or symbolic, visible or invisible, physical or emotional” (Nagenast, 1994:111). Although Riches would consider practical, physical and visible violence ‘real’ violence, he would not consider unseen symbolic violence a type of violence people use to obtain their goals. Bourdieu, on the other hand, takes a stronger stance regarding the symbolic nature of violence and stresses the importance of understanding the socially symbolic violence embedded in everyday life

(ibid:111). For Bordieu, it is symbolic violence that should be most important when

30 studying forms of domination, as it is its strongest form and most devastating. In his discussion on “structures of domination” within a habitus, Bourdieu writes:

In a society in which overt violence, the violence of the userer or the merciless master, meets with collective reprobation and is liable either to provoke a violent riposte from the victim or to force him to flee (that is to say, in either case, in the absence of any other recourse , to provoke the annihilation of the very relationship which was intended to be exploited), symbolic violence, the gentle, invisible form of violence, which is never recognized as such, and is not so much undergone as chosen, the violence of credit, confidence, obligation, personal loyalty, hospitality, gifts, gratitude, piety – in short, all the virtues honoured by the code of honor – cannot fail to be seen as the most economical mode of domination, i.e. the mode which best corresponds to the economy of the system. (1977:192)

Although useful in the analysis of domination and control in societies, Bourdieu’s discussion of symbolic violence falls short of fulfilling a clear ethnographic description of how these symbols are produced, changed, and re-assigned meaning in time, space and on macro-levels. Ethnographers of violence have expanded his important theoretical work on this issue from the late 1990’s to the present, but even these newer approaches have their pitfalls. I will elaborate on this later in this chapter, and also in Chapter

Three.

There is a double-edged argument regarding the use and nature of symbolic violence. As feminist anthropologists critique, symbolic violence has been used by the dominating class as a tool to turn blame on those oppressed, noting their use of violence to disrupt society, “…implicit in the opposition itself. The very presence of opposition is

31 read by the state as violence subject to suppression.” (Nagengast, 1994:111) In short, one’s definition of violence depends on one’s point of view. This too will be important later in my discussion.

Part of understanding violence is to define its specific context in time, space, and meaning. One can say that violence, as it pertains to humans, is a learned behavior.

Therefore it is culturally informed. Culture and its “aesthetic forms” are created from

“historical experience” (Edward Said, 1993:xxii). Said, among others (see Geertz, 1995,

Benjamin, 1968, and Herbert, 1991), has argued that history and the understanding of different kinds of histories are important for unraveling the meanings of cultural behaviors:

More important than the past itself, therefore, is its bearing upon cultural attitudes in the present. For reasons that are partly embedded in the imperial experience, the old divisions between the colonizer and the colonized have reemerged in what is often referred to as the North-South relationship, which has entailed defensiveness, various kinds of rhetorical and ideological combat, and a simmering hostility that is quite likely to trigger devastating wars – in some cases it already has. (Said, 1993:17)

Indeed, the rhetorical and ideological “combat” he referred to has ignited wars across the globe - economic, religious, or state-driven campaigns of silence and terror.

But violence is not “culture” in itself. Rather, it is a type of behavior which can be either individual or group driven. It is learned behavior and is an aspect of culture. But, if we categorize these behaviors and thickly describe them for “taxonomic purposes for its own sake” (Marcus 1986:188), we run the risk of the “making and unmaking” (Clifford,

1986:152) of the cultural phenomena we call violence. As Herbert (1991:224) points out,

“We might say that culture is the name invented to stand for the missing sense of thematic order in early ethnographic texts.” We must also be aware that in many discussions of violence there is represented the idea of opposing binary groups – the oppressor and the oppressed. The grouping of people in such a way also lends itself to theoretical debate, as it has in the past: The more distinctly one defines this binary principle, the more its ambiguities come into view. It implies, we have noted, that there is ‘always contradiction in the definition of a…group, for it is a group only in relation to other groups (Evans-Pritchard 1944:147)’ This contradiction…gnaws at the base of community identity.” (Herbert, 1991:243). Organization of violence in such ways has spurred the use of such phrases as “Culture of Violence” or “Culture of Terror”, its boxed and stamped form fit for publications and consumption by the average reader.

A more precise way to fully understand violence would be Philippe Bourdieu’s concept of Habitus. A focus on the Habitus of Terror would be informative and useful not only for understanding not only the various contexts and meanings discussed above, but also illuminating how they work within complex networks of cultures, micro- cultures, political-economies, histories and meanings over time and space.

There are several theoretical and methodological perspectives we can utilize when investigating violence in all of its levels and manifestations. Edward Said proposes that

“We must first start by characterizing the commonest ways that people handle the tangled, many-sided legacy of imperialism, not just those who left the colonies, but also those who were there in the first place and who remained, the native.” (1993:17). This is

an important point, as Taussig (1992) also notes in his discussion of the history and

meaning of terror and Machu Picchu (1992:38-47). As we approach the issue of time, space, and meanings of cultural activities, be they violence or other, we must take into account all of the available histories and perspectives allowed us. Terms such as “state violence” do nothing to enlighten us as to the accurate meaning of such group behavior without first understanding the full story. “What we need to do is to look at these matters as a network of interdependent histories…” (Said, 1991:19).

When we think of a crack user we must think of a person who is from a complex cultural system - who carries a very complex cultural perspective where the individual operates or behaves differently in different cultural "roles" (Hannerz, 1992:66-67).

Depending on what role he is playing within any given situation (i.e.; student, auto mechanic, medical doctor), his behavior will alter to conform to the accepted norms of that cultural role (Hannerz, 1992:66). In many instances, the individual changes roles instantly and unconsciously as he operates within his "Habitus" (Bourdieu, 1977:79).

When roles are combined within the individual to create "the Self", it generates that person's world view, his "perspective" or "network of perspectives” (ibid:65). This point is basic for an understanding of network behaviors of crack users and how they may facilitate risk of HIV infection.

One moment the individual is playing the role of the drug user, the next the autoworker, next the father, etc., each of which carries different roles and meanings.

While each role may be appropriately played within specified contexts, each role

34 influences the next. Understanding of these dynamics is key. It is the job of the ethnographer to attempt to understand the discourse of these wide ranges of cultural traditions (Tylor 1984:328), the perspectives people hold within their selves , to envision them (Rosenau, 1992:119) and to translate them in a manner that ethnographically represents them in the truest form possible.

I suggest envisioning cultural complexity in a way that allows the ethnographer to bring these ideas to ground level for implementation of research methodology. I will refer to this model as the “Ethnoweb”, for it allows us to create a visual image of what culture is and how to organize it, and to then graph and analyze it in an efficient and effective manner. This web can be looked at as multidimensional, with the individual

(ego) at its center, connected to other people (nodes) via networks of meaning (ties).

Manuel Castells (1996:501) refers to this concept as “nodes” of networks and network intersections. These nodes also connect to larger geographic networks, which can be social or professional networks of various types, larger scale political economic networks, etc. Some of these types of network connections will be addressed later in this text, as I examine the issue of networks in relation to a variety of relative subjects.

Within any community we are able to find various microcultures (Hannerz,

1992:69-78), and participants in these microcultures are also members of and participants in other cultural activities. Thus, an individual may possess knowledge of myriad distinct cultural ways of life. These distinct cultural ways become diffused within what may be defined as inter-cultural and intra-personal borderlands. Renato Rosaldo discusses the

35 concept of cultural borderlands (1989) and illustrates his position by describing his own condition as a Mexican American who lives within and between both "American" and

"Mexican" cultures, and who grew up speaking Spanish to his father while speaking

English to his mother (Rosaldo 1993:26-29). Ulf Hannerz (1992) also discusses this concept and looks at some of the finer points of cultural differences between intercultural and interpersonal borderlands that occur within individuals as well as communities as a whole. Hannerz refers to the result of these borderlands on one's world view as

"perspective" (ibid:65). These borderlands can be powerful influential forces for the social processes with which the ethnographer must grapple. Intra-personal borders are created from demographic variables, such as ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, age and socio-economic standing. But they also include variables such as profession, choice of sports, music, religion, and others (see also, Rey Chow, 1993).

Picture these variables as being the strands a spider web. Each strand represents one type of cultural variable or community of thought: Thus the Ethnoweb model.

Individual people are made up of many of these threads in a complex society. It is the intersection or nodes of these threads that give the context for meaning to the individual.

We might even say that the strings that connect this web are strong strands of individual cultures. Not long ago, we see a time without the Internet, social networking websites

(such as Facebook or Reddit, an important topic of discussion in Chapter Seven) and instant social communication systems (such as mass cell phone text messaging and websites such as Twitter), and global cell phone technologies that have without a doubt

36 expanded our concepts of networks and the nodes that comprise them. These

"connecting" webs connect with many more webs, and as you come closer to the center you find yourself caught in a complex area of intersecting webs of culture, meaning and practice.

The Ethnoweb model, as an illustration, may suggest a one-dimensional quality.

This is not accurate. The Ethnoweb is the physical representation of what Hannerz calls

"perspective" (1992:69). It is cultures or micro-cultures acting within time and space. As cultures themselves, it is multidimensional, ever-expanding and transforming as it passes through time, with a starting point at the beginning of our human existence.

The urban contact zone 2, with its multitude of intercultural borderlands, forces the ethnographer to create an artificial space (or arbitrary depending on the research objectives) that includes the population of interest within the larger space of the community as a whole. All communities are subject to the changing times and social processes of society as a whole (Renato Rosaldo, 1993). The ethnographer must focus in on specific interests dictated by a research plan, or risk being overwhelmed by the complexity of the urban setting and its cultural variables.

The artificial, arbitrary, or created space is a contact zone within many co-existing contact zones 3. More recently, these “places” or “zones” have been referred to as “zones of terror” or “zones of emergency” (Veena Das et al, 2000:5), which possess “multiple realisms” (ibid). For me initially, the focused contact zones were the locations crack cocaine or heroin users would frequent, not the spaces created by micro-cultures of high

37 schools, churches, or other community areas that exist in the same neighborhoods - unless the drug users went there or were part of these micro-cultures. These places had their own meanings within their own micro-cultures, and could be assigned new meaning when incorporated into the borderlands of the street drug user. During this research I realized that to understand the life of the individual, I had to understand the social contexts of their lives beyond that of the drug user. I will elaborate on this concept in

Chapters Five through Seven when discussing the lives and experiences of the women who participated in this research, as well as in Chapters Eight though Ten where I will discuss the wider social contexts in which they live.

People do not simply “survive” violence as if it somehow remained outside of them, and they are rarely if ever ennobled by it. Those who confront violence with resistance — whether it be cultural or political — do not escape unscathed from the terror and oppression they rise up against. The challenge of ethnography, then, is to check the impulse to sanitize and instead to clarify the chains of causality that link structural, political, and symbolic violence in the production of an everyday violence that buttresses unequal power relations and distorts efforts at resistance. In the post-Cold War era, a better understanding of these complex linkages is especially important because it is international market forces rather than politically-driven repression or armed resistance that is waging war for the hearts and minds of populations. (Philippe Bourgois, 2001:20)

Below is an example of how Philippe Bourgois (2001:4) categorized violence in

El Salvador in the late 1980’s. I have chosen to use his model for my discussion here because it illustrates four very broad categories of violence that I believe to be useful for an overview of ethnographic works produced from the mid 1990’s to date. His categories are by no means the only way we can structure violence, but are simple enough to work

38 with on a variety of levels. The categories of violence used by Bourgois were used as a means “…to unravel the interrelated strands of violence that complicated my understanding of revolutionary El Salvador as compared to the declining U.S. inner city…”

Differentiating Forms and Expressions of Violence

Direct Political: Targeted physical violence and terror administered by official authorities and those opposing it, such as military repression, police torture, and armed resistance.

Structural : Chronic, historically-entrenched political-economic oppression and social inequality, ranging from exploitative international terms of trade to abusive local working conditions and high infant mortality rates. Term brought into academic debates by Galtung (1969, 1975).

Symbolic : Defined in Bourdieu’s (1997) work as the internalized humiliations and legitimations of inequality and hierarchy ranging from sexism and racism to intimate expressions of class power. It is “exercised through cognition and misrecognition, knowledge and sentiment, with the unwitting consent of the dominated” (Bourdieu, 2001; see also Bourdieu and Wacquant, 1992: 162-173, 200-205).

Everyday : Daily practices and expressions of violence on a micro-interactional level: interpersonal, domestic and delinquent. Concept adapted from Scheper-Hughes (1992, 1996) to focus on the individual lived experience that normalizes petty brutalities and terror at the community level and creates a commonsense or ethos of violence.

Bourgois 2001:4

Within each of the forms of violence presented by Bourgois there are multiple salient issues that arise - such as gender, age, sex and sexual preference, religious and political beliefs, socio and political economics, technology and communication - all of which play a role in the complex nature of the violence discussed. As mentioned

39 previously, although a type of violence may be named as “state violence”, it may also facilitate personal everyday violence, symbolic violence, or structural violence.

In the remainder of this chapter I will detail several examples of each type of violence presented above by Bourgois. Drawing from ethnographic texts, case studies, articles and my own research, I will help to illustrate exactly what is meant by each of these categories. I will discuss how these categories are useful, and also on where they command greater attention when placed in different contexts.

Contextualizing Violence

Wheresoever power orients practices - and that is everywhere – there is violence. That is to say, social power is responsible for (and responds to) relevance and exigency. Hierarchy and inequality, which are so fundamental to social structures, normalize violence. Violence is what lends to culture its authoritativeness. Violence creates (and reemerges from) fear, anger, loss – what might be called the infrapolitical emotions. Violence, thus, is crucial to cultural processes of routinization, legitimation, essentialism, normalization, and simplification through which the social world orders the flow of experience within and between body-selves. (Arthur Kleinman, 2000:238)

Utilizing Bourgois’ four categories of violence as a way of categorizing and analyzing violence, I will draw up several examples of each type as a means of illustrating their meanings. In considering a theory of micro-habitus, or more specifically a habitus of terror - as this is the focus of my inquiry - I believe these categories are at once intricate aspects and parts of this habitus as well as the central import of the whole when viewed at the holistic macro-level of global society. If we can view these four

40 categories as interrelated rather than segmented, I believe we can soon approach a useful analysis of the habitus of terror to which I refer.

I will address each of these categories briefly, and use various ethnographic examples from a variety of research areas and subject matters as illustrations. The ethnographers themselves did not intentionally place the ethnographic examples I will use into the categories of this discussion. Rather, I have chosen aspects of their ethnographic accounts that illustrate the various categories:

Direct Political Violence

More often than not, political violence is often associated with what is called

“state violence”. Bourgois realizes political violence can take many forms. He states; “I am limiting the term political violence to violence directly and purposefully administered in the name of a political ideology, movement, or state such as the physical repression of dissent by the army or the police as well as its converse, popular armed struggle against a repressive regime.” (Bourgois, 2001:5) Political violence can be difficult to identify, as

“states themselves may not appear on the surface the primary agents [of violence].”

(Nagengast, 1994:114). State or political violence can be overt and direct, or covert and hidden from the public’s eyes.

Through a brief review of ethnographies that deal with political violence, it becomes apparent that what is considered “state violence” can and does differ. Frank

Pieke’s study of the Chinese People’s Movement (1995:62) addresses the issue of socio- political tensions and state (government) violence. In his study there were also uses of

41 symbol in the nature of the state’s response to the students in Tian’anmen, as the Square itself is a historically important site of both protest and slaughter of protestors. In the case of Tian’anmen Square, as in other cases historically in China, the students and other protestors were met with extreme state violence, with the state as the suppressor of rebellion. What is perceived as political violence may be the result of structural violence, which takes on symbolic historical importance and is recreated within time and space.

In reference to the case of crack and heroin users and HIV intervention, a number of anthropologists (Paul Farmer, Arthur Kleinman, Merrill Singer, and Nancy Scheper-

Hughes, whose writings on this issue are too extensive to list here) suggest that the lack of attention given HIV prevention and treatment is the direct result of political violence through unequal time and attention paid ethnic and sexual minorities, as well as women’s health issues. I have personally noticed and noted this negligence during my time as an

HIV researcher. One example is the lack of funding for Needle Exchange Programs

(NEP) on a national level, although overwhelming evidence exists from government and privately funded research proving NEP effectiveness in slowing the spread of HIV among injection drug users.

Structural Violence

Structural violence is often viewed as political, social and economic in nature. It can be the result of economic downturns, collapse in governments, or the effects of institutionalized racism, sexual discrimination, ageism, sexism, and / or medical negligence. Bourgois defines it as such:

Structural violence refers to the political-economic organization of society that imposes conditions of physical and emotional distress, from high morbidity and mortality rates to poverty and abusive working conditions. It is rooted, at the macro-level, in structures such as unequal international terms of trade and it is expressed locally in exploitative labor markets, marketing arrangements and the monopolization of services. The term was first defined in academic circles by the founder of the field of Peace and Conflict Studies, Johan Galtung (1969), to highlight a social-democratic commitment to universal human rights 4 and to rebuff the anti-communist hysteria propagated by U.S.-style capitalism during the Cold War that resulted in the political repression of popular dissent throughout the non- industrialized world. Structural violence also has radical roots in anti- colonial resistance movements (Fanon, 1963) and in Catholic liberation theology’s advocacy for a “preferential option for the poor” (Camara, 1971; CELAM, 1973; Martin-Baro, 1994). Most recently, the concept has been used by medical anthropologists to highlight the ways extreme economic inequalities promote disease and social suffering (Farmer, 1999).

In fact, one of Paul Farmer’s key arguments (1999) is that the political inequalities found within the medical system of the United States and elsewhere are the direct result of political oppression: “Indeed, the advent of truly effective therapies only brings into starker relief the centrality of social inequalities, when unequal access to these therapies heightens the inequalities of infection…thus do fundamentally social forces and processes come to be embodied as biological events” (Farmer, 1999:14).

The case of Bosnia at the outset of the 1990’s is an example of structural violence.

The downfall of the Soviet Union caused a structural problem for local ex-Soviet communities who then struggled for their own identities amidst a political and economic vacuum. Fueled by historical ethnic tensions, many of which are symbolic in nature, the various ethnic groups within numerous landscapes (incipient countries or states) began to

43 fight against each other over land rights and other issues (Woodward, 2000). Muslim and

Christian symbolisms were employed in an effort to create solidarity and terror. These groups fought for state control, and used state violence to dominate. New ideas, formations, and claims of statehood resulted in state sponsored ethnic cleansing and rape camps, all of which became part of the structural violence arsenal.

These tactics of state violence are both symbolic and personal in nature. The desecration of women through rape is a significant use of symbolic violence and terror.

The micro-level, personal everyday violence of neighbor versus neighbor (Christian vs.

Muslim) attacks and barbarity occurred not solely through the militia’s hands, but also by villagers and townspeople. More importantly, as Woodward (ibid) points out, there existed a larger context to the violence experienced in this region of the world, namely

NATO and other European communities placing added pressure on already extreme local tensions, which resulted in further violence. Yugoslavia’s experience did not happen in a global vacuum; the country was caught in a tightly woven web of political, social, and economic forces.

When considering these types of violence together, it is easy to see the difficulty in categorizing different aspects of violence. The violence in Bosnia is mimetic and structural in nature, as it has been repeated time and again historically in that region. irst one group is the aggressor; the next generation, it is the other. We see copies of copies of copies, for which there can be no originals, as Michael Taussig so aptly describes it

(1993, in his discussions on mimetic excess). Symbol, action, space, time and meaning

44 are all re-assigned new indicators and attached new relevance each time they are employed - mimetic forms of violence.

Symbolic Violence

Symbolic violence takes many shapes and forms, from photography, art, music, and the written word to technologies of globalism, medicine, and the embodiment of violence in the media, music and art.

The concept of symbolic violence was developed by Pierre Bourdieu to uncover how domination operates on an intimate level via the misrecognition of power structures on the part of the dominated who collude in their own oppression every time they perceive and judge the social order through categories that make it appear natural and self-evident (Bourdieu and Wacquant, 1992: 162-173, 200-205).

Symbolic violence does not necessarily take the form of an actual symbol, like a cross burning in the farmlands of the southern United States of America or the swastika of Nazi Germany. It needn’t take the form of overt action either, as with forcing women from Uganda to eat the flesh of their unborn children after they are eviscerated with a machete (Malkki, 1995). Symbols can be co-opted over time and space and then re- assigned meanings. As noted earlier, Taussig (1993), in his discussion of mimetic excess, makes this clear. Symbolic violence can be as simple as a rumor, a whisper in the dark, or a news report. Rumors - the ever-churning stories of violence both near and far, of neighbors and family fighting each other, or being oppressed, killed, or disappearing, propaganda in the media depicting death and impending doom, political lies and deceptions - import their own forms of symbolic violence. Rumor can cause an entire

45 society to live in a state of fear, is one of domination’s strongest tools, and may in many cases be the tool of political or structural forms of violence as well.

Anna Simons (1995:44) discusses how the use of rumors of violence and atrocities in Mogadishu can also be used as symbolic violence and lead to even more physical violence. In this case, there were multiple local and foreign perpetrators and victims that facilitated systemic chaos as “the rumor mill” escalated into real and unreal violence.

Linda Green (1995:105) also notes how the use of rumor as symbolic violence has forced some Guatemalan peoples to live in a constant state of fear. For Green, state violence has been the “standard operating procedure of many contemporary societies”

(p:107). The use of violence and terror, both real and symbolic by the state, has led to widespread rumor, half-truths, and fears so strong that they have had a long-lasting and devastating effect on the people subjected to them:

Fear destabilizes social relations by driving a wedge of distrust between members of families, between neighbors, among friends. Fear divides communities through suspicion and apprehensions, not only of strangers, but of each other. Fear thrives on ambiguities. Rumors of death lists and denunciations, gossip and innuendos create a climate of suspicion. No one can be sure who is who. The spectacle of torture and death, of massacres and disappearances of the recent past have become deeply inscribed in individuals and in the collective imagination through a constant sense of threat. In the altiplano fear has become a way of life. Fear is the arbiter of power –invisible, indeterminate, and silent. (Linda Green 1995:107)

Rumor, misinformation and social hysteria are ever present in the lives of the drug users I worked with in Washington, D.C. From hearing what they believed to be

46 contradictory information about HIV and AIDS, to seeing people they know dying, the drug users I spoke with often found official sources of information about the pandemic no more reliable than word-of-mouth on the streets. Just as Veena Das (et al, 2000:6) states:

“The rumors derive their authenticity from the everyday ecology of fear, mistrust, and anxiety in which life is lived in the zones of emergency.”

Throughout my research in Washington, D.C., conspiracy theories were rife, supposing HIV a genocidal biological weapon against “the black man”, as well as condom use - perpetuated by the white-dominated medical industry - as another form of genocide via limiting procreation in “God’s intended way”. From political sources, to

Baptist, Muslim, and a plethora of other cultural doxa, localized rumors drew upon the heartstrings, cultural sentiments, belief systems, and histories of distrust. Adding fuel to this fire of fear were consistent homophobic beliefs in male-dominated social networks which capitalize on masculinity through fertility and violence. For a social or outreach worker, HIV education and prevention are mighty tasks, as this one conversation 4 with a

45 year old African American male who is a crack and heroin user illustrates (T=Todd

Pierce, R=Respondent):

T: How did you first learn about AIDS? R: Uh, news, on TV, it was a news report, and I remember they talk about this syndrome-type thing, I didn’t know what the hell they were talkin’ about but it was killin’ a lot of people. And so I thought it was just homosexuality, but, I ain’t homosexual so I don’t worry about that. Then I start, I, I, what got me, caught me, uh, in the crack center and they had brochures and I picked up some in there and when I read what I read, it scared me. Damn. I mean, and then when I started seeing people in my neighborhood where I lived on Central Avenue, at that time, uh, couple of

friends I grew up with, dope fiends with me, they died, they died. Uh, one guy I know named, what’s that boy’s name, I can’t think of his name right now, Jim, his name is Jim, and Jim was a light skin type fellow, a pink layer, and he turned darker than me. And his hair was fallin’ out, and he use to be big but he got skinnier than you is, you know what I’m trying to say? That’s, that’s ooh, that’s witnessing death. (both talking) very much cause that’s a hell of a way to go, (unclear) , I mean, I’m tellin’ you man, that’s a hell of a way to go. T: It had a bad impact on you. R: Yes it did. It scared me. T: Up in the neighborhood, people around you saw how it, the other guys and the other fellows, I mean, how did it impact them, the way they . . . R: All it did, it was, you know, we talked about, you know, Jim died, man, yesterday, man, he had that thing, man, he had the big A, man, you know. I don’t know whether, I hope that made them do what I did, cause if they didn’t, it’s all they wrote. Huh, I ain’t no perfect angel, I can’t go out there and recruit. I just have me. I ain’t no different from them, they ain’t tell me, I have to find out on my own, you know. That’s why I here today, I told ya, (unclear) do have AIDS. I’m hoping that one time they give it to her. T: How did you know she did have it, who told you that? R: Some friends. T: Maybe they’re wrong. R: I pray to God they’re (unclear) they may not be either. As close as my buddies, my cut buddies (people he does drugs with), my hangin’ buddies ain’t gonna lie to me about shit like that. T: Well, they might just think she does, they’re not lying actually, they may just think she does, she may not, who knows. R: Well I hope she don’t. But I think she do, I may be wrong. I still fuck with her, I mean I ain’t gonna have sex with her anymore, you know , (both talking) I touch her. T: But you’re still hangin’ out? R: Yeah, I mean, when I see her I say, hey what’s up, we go off, she [got dope], I make sure she’s got her own works, and her own equipment. Cause if she use my equipment, I let her keep that too. I can get a bottle top (cooker) anywhere.

The complexity and nature of symbols, and the fear and violence they can manifest, are extremely difficult to understand at times. The interview above clearly

illustrates how confusion can cause fear not only in one person’s mind but in an entire

community, a nation, or the world. In the case of HIV, symbolism holds a central

importance as the prevention and slowing of the spread of the virus comes into direct

confrontation with religious, political, and social belief systems on a local, national, and

global level.

The ethnic and gender dynamics found within the context of street-based

economies of drug use - crack cocaine or otherwise - take on a symbolism in nature and

meaning. Ethnic minorities, prostitutes, drugs and gangs are often associated with the

inner cities, whereas white, wealth, higher education and discourses of power within the

dominant social system are attributes also often associated with the segregated areas of a

city and its suburbs. The symbolism of these drug use and violence contexts are

perpetuated through media (such as newspapers and movies that represent forms of

reality) (Hannerz, 1992), and the mimesis of culturally constructed contexts (Taussig,

1993). We can see examples of this in movies, such as when being a “gangsta” who

instigates violence in the ghetto is a glorified pursuit, or when the wealthy white man

who has lost his way driving through the ghetto locks his doors in fear that someone

might attack him. These prevalent symbolisms are also expressed in how drug abusers

from different ethnic backgrounds are represented: The young white junkie and his inner

turmoil and personal problems versus the black crack addict and his fight with the system that put him there. The white user’s addiction is addressed on personal terms, whereas the black user is discussed in systemic terms (Pierce, 1999).

The symbolic nature of violence has received much attention in anthropology and other disciplines. Perhaps more research into the individual and collective effects of symbolic violence would produce not only a current and historical knowledge, but also insight into the future based on projections. Just as banal forms of nationalism, such as flag lapel pin wearing by Americans post 9-11, have created a sense of patriotism, other symbols may create a sense of collective symbolic violence. Violence is defined depending on where one stands. The burning of the American flag may be viewed as a form of symbolic violence against Americans when performed by the Palestinian militant group Hamas, for example. But how does this relate to the crack user, sex worker, or victim of child abuse in America? The “War on Terrorism” may not have a direct effect on the localized user of crack cocaine, but the symbols are there. Indeed, by April of

2002 many television campaigns depicted the purchasing and using of drugs as direct support for terrorists. The “crack whore” is now not only the carrier of disease, a plague on society, the perpetrator of crimes and immorality - but is also a terrorist by default.

Contextual representations carry symbolic meanings and are mimetically reproduced in everyday life through the recreating of violence and institutionalized racism. This is what Bourgois (1993) has described as “large scale social trauma [that envelopes an entire community].’ (Ibid:118) He discusses this violence in terms of historical processes, mimetic reproductions (Taussig, 1993), and how violence is “an accepted and effective mode of functioning for adults who participate in street life”

(Bourgois, 1993: 119).

Everyday Violence

Every American is confronted with violence on a daily basis, whether it is in symbolic forms through television, domination in the work place or family (structural and political) or direct physical assault on the mind and body.

Before presenting a few examples of the everyday violence experienced by crack users in Washington, D.C., I will again quote Bourgois’ definition of “everyday violence:”

The concept of everyday violence has been most eloquently developed by Nancy Scheper-Hughes (1992, 1996, 1997) to call attention on a more phenomenological level to the “peace-time crimes,” the “small wars and invisible genocides” that plague the poor around the world. Her usage of the term, however, tends to conflate everyday violence with structural and institutional violence. I find it more useful to limit the notion to the routine practices and expressions of interpersonal aggression that serve to normalize violence at the microlevel such as domestic, delinquent and sexual conflict, and even substance abuse. The analytic import of the term is to prevent explaining away individual-level confrontations by psychological or individualistic approaches that blame the victims. My narrower definition is also geared to depict how everyday violence can grow and coalesce into a “culture of terror”—to invoke Taussig (1987)— that establishes a commonsense normalizing violence in the public and private spheres alike. The reinterpretation of my ethnographic data that follows will show how, in revolutionary El Salvador, I was unable to recognize the distinctiveness of everyday violence and therefore to discern it as a product of political and structural violence, even though I had understood it at the interface of structural and symbolic violence in the U.S. inner city.

Bourgois’ use of this concept on the micro-level is useful for ethnographers of violence as a means of organizing what has become almost mundane activity - the everyday. This is important for our understanding of the common, everyday activities in

which people consciously or subconsciously partake. For example, some forms of sexual

domination are so mimetically, historically, and socio-politically engrained that people

may not be totally aware of the perpetration. They are “routine practices and expressions

of interpersonal aggression that serve to normalize violence at the micro-level” (ibid).

The perpetrator of violence may be aware that physically assaulting his / her spouse is

indeed an assault; they may be unaware of the total psychological trauma felt by the

spouse in relation to the wider socio-cultural theater, in reference to historical life

experiences in such forms of dominations personally and also in relation to family and

social histories. The term “culture of violence” evokes blame and “black box” (Veena

Das, Kleinman, 2000:3) versions of violence and culture. A wider analysis of the habitus of terror is needed.

Many of the men interviewed during my previous research in Washington, D.C. have described their sexual activities with women, but did not feel they were traumatic experiences. They did not discuss how the women were feeling at all, and felt as if the women were entering into the sex-for-crack-agreement on equal grounds. They viewed the women’s actions as voluntary, a type of quid pro quo business arrangement. This is why these men will sometimes get angry or physically violent with the women if they

(the men) do not achieve orgasm. They feel that the women are somehow cheating them, instead of that the crack has made them impotent, a common side effect of the drug. The man may use violence to make up for being cheated and to reify his masculinity, reassuring himself that, although he is impotent, he is still “a man”. Drawing from two

informants from my previous research, one woman and one man, I offer these statements

as simple illustrations of some of the forms of violence that are the everyday - deeply seeded in the symbolic and the structural:

A Female Crack User:

This girl we was taking a hit together, and she said ‘Let me tell you how I got this rock.’ I said ‘wait until I take my hit and then tell me.’ [After I took it] I said ‘okay tell me.’ And she said, ‘I just sucked a dog’s dick’. You know. And I said ‘wow’, I should have let her tell me first cause I’m using her stuff.

A Male Crack User:

There where a lot of guys back in this alleys sellin’ crack, and they was runnin’ back and forth, ‘Come here, ya’ll gotta come see, come see this’, and I was sayin’, ‘Come see what?’, he say, “This girl is suckin’ this nigger’s pit bull’s dick for a dime ($10 of crack)’, I say, ‘What? Naw, I don’t want to see no sick shit like that.’ But I mean I’ve heard it happen, everybody’s runnin’ in and out for a look, you know. I mean, just for the power of it, just for bein’ cruel, dehumanizing, and just because they had that power to do that and that kind of control, you know, the youngsters today like to have that kind type of control over another person and especially if they can find an older person to have that type of power over. I find that, it’s that control, you know, it’s control... The young ones of today want to rule the world and they want to rule the world by any means necessary, and that’s the worst phrase that man could have ever come up with, by any means necessary, because they doin’ just that, they takin’ it literally, by any means necessary... they don’t care, they don’t value human life, the only thing they put a value on is the dollar.

Beyond the personal trauma experienced by these women, there is also a larger effect on the social system, because through mimetic processes the events that lead to terror and trauma are re-invented, reproduced, and carried out daily. As Bourgois (1993) has discussed, this perpetual violence becomes almost accepted by those who live within

the “street” lifestyle. Additionally, from listening to these women’s accounts we can see

how their personal agency to modify risk behaviors towards safety is greatly impaired by

men. In this sense, men have a large hand in deciding what types of risks women will

take in order to obtain crack. They reinforce dominant historical roles over women, and

place women in an inferior social position to be used in any way they see fit.

Forms of everyday violence will be a primary issue throughout most of this

ethnographic account, and I will address it in detail in several chapters. What I attempt

here is to describe the framework, levels or types of violence - so as to better understand

the nature of the violence with which the women of this study live and survive. Chapter

Three will address a central concept for my research, one that is the basis for the

understanding the relationship between violence and these women’s lives: the Self.

Notes for Chapter Two

1 For a brief review of my research in Washington D.C., please see endnote 9 (ix) of Chapter one. The specific quotes used in this chapter are from my work with NOVA Research Company and the interviews were conducted in my research field station near 10 th and U Streets, NW D.C. between 1996 and 1999.

2 Reflecting once again on the words of Carole Nagengast, I will only briefly revisit the inherent violence of colonial period research, as I believe it has some relevance here. The term “Contact Zone” itself hails from colonial anthropology under Britain as well as early American anthropological endeavors. In these contact zones, which were usually in non- western parts of the world, like Africa, anthropologists met "the other" the people that would soon be dominated by the colonist through military force, economic strangle holds, and alterity (Taussig, 1994). These anthropologists trekked into these lands graphing the cultures of the native, bringing their ways of life to the West as examples of primitive human culture. By the 1970's this notion became looked upon as not very politically correct. Anthropologists began to talk of their work in other terms, such as development, feminist, or other camps of discourse that denoted an agenda that was not quite imperialistic, rather scholarly, humanistic, or somewhat political instead (as mentioned

by Nagengast earlier). The mystique of the field created by the earlier anthropologists, to travel to far off exotic lands still remained, though, under the facade of various academic endeavors and political agendas. The contact zones of old were still there, just suppressed into the exotic imaginations of the anthropologists, while natives from other zones of difference laid right in front of our faces. The natives I refer to here are ourselves, our families, our friends and community, etc., right here in our own back yards. These natives are different though because many of them hold the power of discourse not unlike that of the anthropologists. Indeed, some “natives” possess political, social, and economic power well beyond the means of an academic.

3 See Mary Luois Pratt, 1992 for the contact zones of anthropologists, travel writers, etc. from earlier times.

4 This interview is drawn from my research with crack cocaine and heroin users in 1997 in Washington D.C.

Chapter Three

The Dialectics of Violence

Why can't I walk down a street free of suggestion?

Is my body the only trait in the eyes of men?

I've got some skin You want to look in

There lays no reward in what you discover

You spent yourself watching me suffer

Suffer your words, suffer your eyes, suffer your hands Suffer your interpretation of what it is to be a man

I've got some skin You want to look in

She does nothing to deserve it He only wants to observe it We sit back like they taught us We keep quiet like they taught us He just wants to prove it She does nothing to remove it We don't want anyone to mind us So we play the roles that they assigned us She does nothing to conceal it He touches her 'cause he wants to feel it We blame her for being there

But we are all guilty

“Suggestion” Fugazi, 1989 1 54 55

Understanding “the uncanny” has been a endeavor of human beings throughout

time. Be it love, art, poetry, philosophy, religion, spirituality or science - our path as a

species has been marked by a need to know and understand things that are difficult to

discern or are beyond our reach altogether. In this Chapter I discuss one of these

subjects, perhaps the uncanniest concept of all: terror. More precisely, I address the

effects of terror on the body and the Self.

In Chapter Two I discussed a framework for organizing and understanding types

of violence, in order to better understand the contexts of violence in the lives of the

women with whom I have conducted research. I also described a way of conceptualizing

the individual situated within contexts of meaning and practice: ego as the “node” of

interconnected social roles and relations.

The main objective of this chapter is to create a base of analysis for exploring

effects of violence on people as dialectical members and components of a habitus of

relations. We seek to understand the very essence of a person’s being: the Self.

I will first define the Self and offer a working definition of terror as both a word and a concept. This is a vital first step, as these concepts are used in varied ways within social theory and other areas of literature, including powerful socio-political narratives and hegemonic discourses. It is not my intention to co-opt the term terror as used within modern political discourse. On the contrary, I seek to stabilize the concept of terror

56 within a definitional framework that is both theoretically sound and pragmatic for my overall treatment of the subject. Second, I will discuss the effects of terror on the Self in relation to embodied experience, habitus and practice. I draw illustrations from my research as well as other forms of literature and media including recent news coverage - both in print and online - of the U.S. led “war on terror” and domestic violence. Finally, I will discuss implications of this concept upon our understanding of the anthropology of violence.

Understanding the Self

My self I then perused, and limb by limb Surveyed, and sometimes went, and sometimes ran With supple joints, and lively vigour led: But who I was, or where, or from what cause, Knew not; to speak I tried, and forthwith spake, My tongue obeyed and readily could name What e'er I saw.

Milton “Paradise Lost” VIII, 1674, lines:253-73

Every bodily action has a purpose. These actions over time become embodied knowledge, non-reliant on cognitive thought processes. Embodied knowledge becomes part of the Self. It is dialectical in nature, informing the Self through practice in our daily lives, a feedback loop that changes our environment, habitus, and network relations within time and space.

This chapter examines the relationship between the Self, terror, and habitus. In this discussion, our primary concern is action in light of embodied terror. Before an

analysis of how violence works as an affective force on the Self to create terror, I will

first discuss the concept of the Self.

Thomas Csordas discusses embodiment as the “existential ground of culture and

self” (1994:269). He believes that we cannot treat the Self as solely biological or socially

constructed. The historic work of A. Irving Hallowell illustrates the Self as being

psychologically informed by social structures. He states, “In order for self-awareness to

emerge and function in human societies, the individual must be given basic orientations

that structure the psychological field in which the Self is prepared to act. Thus, while the

content of the behavioral environment of man may differ greatly and intermesh with

geographical environment in various ways, there are common functions that different

cultural means must serve in order for a human level of psychodynamic adjustment to be

maintained.” (1955:110). In this sense we should try to understand how the environment

and culture of a person play a part in psychological development. For the purposes of my

discussion, the relationship between the body and the environment and cultural

knowledge - or how the body learns and then uses this relationship - will be called

embodiment .

Bourdieu (1977) discusses the embodied relationship between the Self and habitus

(or fields of relationships) as “Bodily Hexis”. “Bodily Hexis is political mythology

realized, em-bodied, turned into a permanent disposition, a durable way of standing,

speaking, walking, and thereby of feeling and thinking.” (1977:93-94 2). Bourdieu, though, does not recognize the consequences of complex social networking at play within

habitus of individuals and social groups. Although his idea of Bodily Hexis is useful, it

would be better used if we were to address the individual Self as being part of a multitude

of complex networks. The Self is the intersecting node of such networks3, the knowledge of practice within such networks, and the embodied knowledge resulting forthwith.

Yolanda Gampel (2000) illustrates how our social networks affect our perceptions and embodied understandings of violence. She states, “We who live in countries exposed to social violence (Moses 1983), even if we are not ourselves directly touched, are affected by infiltration through our senses and our perceptions, as well as by representations of that violence in the media. The feelings of uncanniness thereby aroused cast a shadow of uncanniness on our background of safety.”(2000:63) As an auto-ethnographical illustration I offer a simple embodied childhood memory of terror.

Where I grew up in Middletown, Connecticut, the sound of nuclear war alert sirens could be heard each day at six o’clock in the evening. The surreal sound was so regular that I could set my watch by it, or know that it was time to come home for dinner from playing with friends. If these sirens were heard at an atypical time, I knew that impending apocalyptic doom was upon us. This fact, the awareness that I was in the middle of it all ,

became even more realized with the knowledge that my middle school was located on a

hillside opposite a Minuteman missile silo which was guarded inconspicuously on the

other side of the hill. This was one of dozens of such silos within a fifteen-mile radius,

easily identified by the simple chain-link and razor-wired fencing surrounding a three-

acre area. At each silo, there was a nondescript structure resembling a water pumping

59 station on top of the ground, surrounded by large metal plates about twenty square feet in size. Even with this non-threatening visage, one was fully aware of what was actually under the ground. The plates marked the exit of demons so great they could turn an entire city into dust. The sounds of the sirens and the knowledge of missiles near your back yard, cast within the context of a very real Cold War, were embodied not only in daily routine like the time of day, but also in the unspoken knowledge of the habitus in which childhood imagination can get the best of you.

Another example of how the relationship between environment and the Self becomes embodied knowledge is the process of becoming a light infantry soldier for the

U.S. Army, in which training in the de-personalization of violence is part of daily routine.

The intense routinization of light infantry tactics involves repetitive bodily motions that are cognitively informed through formal training, and then eventually second nature in practice as the training exercises become embodied knowledge. In the end, it becomes part of one’s habitus.

Over the past twenty years in my career as an anthropologist I have come to identify the embodied knowledge of violence within the social contexts amongst injection drug and crack cocaine users. I present some of the more recent findings in Chapter

Four. In these social situations an intimate knowledge of violence, or more accurately how to survive it, becomes an embodied part of the Self in the sense that Hallowell and

Bourdieu have discussed.

Understanding Terror

…I came to feel that terror dissolved certainty every bit as much as it preyed on one’s heartfelt desire to find its secret order. Yet the more one looked for the order, the more one was caught in its sticky web of evasions, bluffs, and halls of mirrors. And the more one tried to bluff back, fight indeterminacy with indeterminacy, there waiting in the wings was Order with a giant rabbit-killer. - Michael Taussig, 1992:9

There are clearly different types of terror and terrifying situations. My concern here will be with understanding terror as experienced by the individual. From direct immediate terror situations (like physical torture and rape) to terror created within one’s day-to-day surroundings (like the Fall 2002 sniper attacks in the Washington, D.C. area 4), the individual feels and processes terror on the Self in a variety of ways. Understanding the dialectical nature of terror on the self is seminal to the understanding of terror in relation to the individual, community and macro-social processes. The study of the effects of terror on the Self is integral to understanding social processes that can reach from the nervous system cellular level, to the micro-network and global contexts, as we have seen in the rhetoric and effects of global terrorism and the war on it.

As shall be discussed later, imagining or witnessing terrible things is in itself a form of terror. Although one can be scarred by the images and imaginings of terrifying things (a movie, animal predators, or war), this is not terror in its most direct sense. This is not terror first hand. On the other hand, not all violence is terrifying. There are forms of violence in which the author of such violence does not intend to directly or indirectly

61 cause terror (i.e. sporting events that are violent in nature, like boxing, or certain types of dance culture, like punk rock slam dancing.) Violent? Yes. Malicious? No. There are, however, functions of violence that at their very foundation are intended to cause terror.

This latter form of violence will be the central focus of my discussion here.

Terror is the effect of violence. As noted previously, this effect may be from a variety of forms of violence (political, structural, symbolic, everyday, perceived or real).

Understanding and defining terror, as Michael Taussig (1992) cautions us, is an extremely challenging task. The linguistic and discursive use of the term “terror” will be of some importance in my discussion. As stated above, “terror” is the a ffective result of

“violence” 5, be it symbolic, physical, state controlled, structural, or “everyday” violence 6.

Violence, either subtle or overt, is the affective force that informs terror.

We should not confuse violence with terror, either in conceptualization or analysis. Linguistically, terror is a word that is not shared with many languages outside of the English language 7. In fact, most translations offer the word “horror” as equative to the term “terror”. I believe that this to be incorrect translation of the true meaning of the word, as terror is a pre-cognitive phenomenon. “Horror” 8, on the other hand, is often expressed in relation to a cognitive thought pattern: You recognize the threat and know how to express that recognition even if it is automatic. For example, while a Great White shark can strike terror in a person, the person experiences horror. This distinction begs further discussion and analysis, as the adjective forms of these two words – terrifying and

62 horrifying – are closely related linguistically and contextually: The Great White is terrifying and horrifying, and you are in fear of it 9 10 .

Another point of linguistic accuracy is the fact that multiple uses of the word terror must not be confused with the initial concept as an effect on the body. For instance, the word is sometimes used in the affective sense, in the same way that violence is. For example, to “be a terror” of the neighborhood (i.e. a community bully), or a terrorist to the state (i.e. Osama bin Laden) implies affective action. These are incorrect uses of the concept of terror for the purposes of my discussion, as I am focusing on the noun itself. The precognitive or unconscious effects of violence (terror) are expressed (or not) in ways that are locally informed by culture and context, to discussed in detail in the next section. Uses of some forms of violence may cause terror on the person, but being a terrorist would have to imply an intimate relationship with the victim of terror’s immediate time and space in order to create the physical and symbolic terror effect so often sought.

I shall offer a critique of the use of the term “terror” as many anthropologists conduct research and write on the issue have used it. Terror, as a concept, has been used interchangeably with words like fear, horror, and violence. This distracts from what terror really is: a direct result of fear, horror, and violence. Philippe Bourgois discusses this critique in brief, and in reference to Taussig appropriately:

Taussig’s (1984, 1991) elaboration of the concepts of “culture of terror” and mimesis may be useful despite their slipperiness and the danger of contributing to yet another anthropological essentialism. The formula “culture of …” as an explanation for any social pattern should always be suspect. - Philippe Bourgois , The Violence of Moral Binaries

Terror is a visceral effect, similar to fear and horror, but with the difference being that fear and horror are still outside of the body and are processed cognitively. Without a doubt, fear and horror are the cousins of terror and may in fact lead to or reinforce terror and its embodiment. Terror affects the Self in a multitude of ways, winding the higher cognitive neocortex, cerebral, and basic cerebellum processes into a twisting mass of confusions oscillating between understanding and survival. It is the “uncanny” nature of terror that makes us at once animal (as victim) and deity (as the cause).

As discussed at the opening of this chapter, the quest to understand terror in what may be considered a cognitive appreciation for the uncanny has been the subject of philosophers and intellectuals alike. Often used as a colloquialism in popular literature, political speeches, and even anthropological writings, the true meaning of the term terror is difficult to pinpoint. It is assumed, in most cases correctly so, that the reader understands the author’s intended meaning in the contextualized use of the word. But what is this thin, smoky, transparent, shapeless, transforming concept - terror - exactly?

Terror and the Self

“A dark shadow has fallen over the citizens of the United States and Europe. As an Israeli who has lived his entire life in fear of terrorist attacks I can say quite simply: terror embitters life. It imposes a "military" mode of behaviour on a person, places him in an unending state of military stress.” - David Grossman, Friday September 21, 2001 The Guardian

Terror, as the effect of violence, is a concept that must be sharply defined. An analysis of violence on any level must first examine the effect of violence on the individual as a lived experience. Moreover, we must also understand how terror also affects the individual’s habitus as a dialectical process that informs the individual as well as being informed by the individual and structural networks in practice.

This dialectical process must be analyzed historically in order to understand the very foundations of terror within the embodied Self and affective force - or feedback loop

- of violence and global society. Before we can define a habitus in which terror is a base component, we must first begin to analyze the relationship between terror and the Self.

In this section I shall attempt to define this concept in a way that allows for a further analysis of violence on the individual as well as the varying (relationally) and spiraling

(structurally) network levels.

“The terrifying," writes Heidegger, "is unsettling; it places everything outside its own nature. What is it that unsettles and thus terrifies? It shows

itself and hides itself in the way in which everything presences, namely, in the fact that despite all conquest of distances, the nearness of things remains absent." This unsettled state signifies the human condition of fear, of disarming distress, even about an encounter: when un-settled or dis- armed we are exposed, dislocated. "All distances in time and space are shrinking ... Everything gets lumped together into uniform distancelessness." But terror also means that something is removed from the "trough of its disposition" and is concealed without trace. - Hubertus v. Amelunxen The Terror of the Body in Digital Space, 1997

Reflecting on Heidegger’s comment on the “unsettling”, I am drawn to ask the meaning of the word. Perhaps existential shock, as discussed by Robben and Nordstrom is what creates an unsettled feeling: “Existential shock is a highly personal and context- specific research phenomenon. Manifestations of violence to which many American ethnographers have become accustomed and that often do not even reach the news media, so commonplace they have become, such as street assaults, rape, child abuse, and racketeering, may be shocking to the ethnographers from other societies.” (Robben and

Nordstrom, 1995:13-14). Existential shock occurs when an event is so uncanny that no cultural knowledge you carry can digest or process the experience. One feels repulsed to the core, and experiences a fear that is visceral. This is much akin to the phenomenon of physical shock when trauma to the body occurs. Existential shock is its mirror image when one’s cultural being, the Self, is traumatized.

I think that we may be able to go even further than this idea, to also incorporate into the unsettling nature of terror the fact that it is unrepresentable . Terror is unrepresentable because it is pre-linguistic (eludes language and avoids explanation) and pre-cognitive (cannot be verbalized through language; it is difficult to organize thoughts

66 around it) in nature by several anthropologists. Daniel (1994) exhausts this topic through an analysis of the embodied experiences of torture victims and how they have struggled to express terror. Daniel’s analysis seeks to understand the limits of semiotic anthropology for understanding and representing pain and terror. Through an analysis of linguistic theories and research, he concludes that terror is an unrepresentable aesthetic.

The experience of terror and its lasting memory on the Self is impossible to represent in its fullness or truthful nature because it is beyond linguistic - or perhaps even cognitive - understanding on the part of the victim.

Terror brought on by torture becomes difficult to express linguistically because

“Torture perverts all dialogic.” (Daniel, 1994:237). Not only is the dialogic between the body (Self) and experience (pain and terror) indigestible (and unrepresentable) to the victim, but also it is impossible to communicate to others. Daniel’s analysis further describes the consequences of the unrepresentablilty of terror in much the same way that anthropologists have discussed terror as being “uncanny” – as difficult to absorb cognitively. When terror is unrepresentable to the Self, it becomes uncanny or unbelievable to the self. “The unbelievable is also unexplainable and the unexplainable the inexpressible.” (Daniel, 1994:238) It is the unbelievable and unrepresentational qualities of terror as an aesthetic that lends to further existential shock and legitimates its uncanniness cognitively.

Early studies on the affective nature of terror have expressed a concern with both psychological and physiological effects. Charles Darwin (1899) noticed how terror can be somatized within the body, and expressed through physical change:

We now come to…certain actions which we recognize as expressive of certain states of the mind, are the direct result of the constitution of the nervous system, and have been from the first independent of the will, and, to a large extent, of habit. When the sensorium is strongly excited nerve-force is generated in excess, and is transmitted in certain directions, dependent on the connection of the nerve-cells, and, as far as the muscular system is concerned, on the nature of the movements which have been habitually practised. Or the supply of nerve-force may, as it appears, be interrupted. Of course every movement which we make is determined by the constitution of the nervous system; but actions performed in obedience to the will, or through habit, or through the principle of antithesis, are here as far as possible excluded. Our present subject is very obscure, but, from its importance, must be discussed at some little length; and it is always advisable to perceive clearly our ignorance.

The most striking case, though a rare and abnormal one, which can be adduced of the direct influence of the nervous system, when strongly affected, on the body, is the loss of colour in the hair, which has occasionally been observed after extreme terror or grief. One authentic instance has been recorded, in the case of a man brought out for execution in India, in which the change of colour was so rapid that it was perceptible to the eye.

- Charles Darwin, The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals, 1899:34

Although many things can cause terror, it is usually thought to result from extreme fear of death via some form of violence 11 . The instant somatic response to terror on the body (psychologically as aesthetic shock, and as expressed by the nervous system as a survival response) can take many forms, as Darwin also illustrated:

As fear increases into an agony of terror, we behold, as under all violent emotions, diversified results. The heart beats wildly, or may fail to act and faintness ensue; there is a death-like pallor; the breathing is laboured; the wings of the nostrils are wildly dilated… The uncovered and protruding eyeballs are fixed on the object of terror; or they may roll restlessly from side to side… The pupils are said to be enormously dilated. All the muscles of the body may become rigid, or may be thrown into convulsive movements. The hands are alternately clenched and opened, often with a twitching movement. The arms may be protruded, as if to avert some dreadful danger, or may be thrown wildly over the head. – Charles Darwin, ibid:36.

Somatic representations of terror on the body and the Self have been expressed in manifold ways in recent ethnographic accounts, most notably in the work of Michael

Taussig (1984, 1989, 1992, 1993, 1997, 1999). His investigations into the use of terror in shamanism, as well as terror as a direct result of state violence has illustrated how terror affects the body in ways that are difficult to express with culturally informed linguistic or artistic methods:

A question of distance-- that’s what I’d like to say about terror, a matter of finding the right distance, holding it at arm’s length so it does not turn on you (after all it’s just a matter of words ), and yet not putting it so far away in a clinical reality that we end up having substituted one form of terror for another . But having said this I can see myself already lost, lost out to terror you might say, embarked on some futile exercise in Liberal Aesthetics struggling to establish a golden mean and utterly unable to absorb the fact that terror’s talk always talks back -- super-octaned dialogism in radical overdrive, its talk presupposing if not anticipating my response, undermining meaning while dependent on it, stringing out the nervous system one way toward hysteria, the other way toward numbing and apparent acceptance, both ways flip-sides of terror, the political Art of the Arbitrary, as usual. -Taussig, 1992: 11, emphasis added

This “stringing out of the nervous system” appears to be a common theme for anthropologists and scientists alike. Current ethnographic writings often illustrate the tensions located between representation and somatizations of terror. Even for the skilled ethnographer it is difficult to express a first-hand terror experience through the normal methods of ethnographic representation, if we accept that terror is pre-linguistic and difficult to cognitively interpret. It appears to lose some authenticity and meaning when expressed.

Kathy Winkler (1993), in her ethnographic representation of a brutal attack and rape that she experienced during fieldwork, illustrates the struggles with the mind and body (the Self) in terror: “When the rapist had his body plastered on top of mine the first time and had begun his battering of my genitals, I began to step outside myself. My self was pulling away from my body. My essence wanted to get away from the body of mine that the rapist was torturing. Confused, I pulled my self back into my physical body.”

(Winkler and Hanke, 1995:173-4). The women I worked with in Washington, DC have expressed similar mind-body separation experience. These women are crack cocaine users who traded sex for crack within crack houses or in other social situations. Several of these women discussed a mind-body separation (not unlike the one illustrated by

Winkler) when engaged in sexual activities. This may be not only an effect of the sex- for-crack exchange but also the result of everyday violence and terror stemming back to early childhood trauma like sexual, physical, and emotional child abuse. This shall be discussed in more extensively in Chapters Five and Six.

Although terror is defined in one sense as the intense fear of death, social

degradation plays an intimate role in the relationship between terror and the Self. In fact,

the cognitive understanding that one is being degraded - debased - through terror can

often be more terrifying than the fear of death itself. David Grossman illustrates this in

his studies of soldiers, violence and the social processes of learning how to kill. He

states: “The ultimate fear and horror in most modern lives is to be raped or beaten, to be

physically degraded in front of our loved ones, to have our family harmed and the

sanctity of our homes invaded by aggressive and hateful intruders. Death and debilitation

by disease or accident are statistically far more likely to occur than death and debilitation

by malicious action, but the statistics do not calm our basically irrational fears. It is not

the fear of death and injury from disease or accident but rather acts of personal

depredation and domination by our fellow human beings that strike terror and loathing in

our hearts.” (1995:77). While being hit by a car might cause physical shock, thinking

about it does not necessarily cause terror. The thought of being run over by a car because

the person driving it aims to kill you is another story altogether.

The psychological unpacking of the Self by other persons leads to a different type of terror, a social terror, in which the dialectical process between terror and the Self is directly related to terror within one’s environment, networks, and habitus. This position is elaborated by Taussig in his essays on “Defacement” (1999), where he discusses how the uncovering of secret or hidden aspects of the Self and social creations causes a debasement of the Self (or social situation, like murder), stripping of meaning and

reassigning it new meaning through a processes of refacement (Taussig, 1999:249-255).

He writes: “When the human body, a nation’s flag, or a public statue is defaced, a strange

surplus of negative energy is likely to be aroused from within the defaced thing itself. It

is now in a state of desecration, the closest many of us are going to get to the sacred in

the modern world.” (ibid:1). This defacement, as illustrated by Grossman and Taussig,

brings the issue of terror to social, and thus network levels. In the next section of this

Chapter I will discuss terror and its effects on the Self within a habitus of relations, and

how this brings terror to the network level.

Terror and Habitus

Thus far I have discussed the way in which I am using the terms “ Self” and

“terror ”, as well as the relationship between these two concepts: the Self in terror . As noted, the Self’s embodied knowledge works within a dialectical process with the individual’s habitus. Therefore, terror also has an intimate relationship with this exteriority of the Self within the physical world. In this final section I will illustrate this relationship while still maintaining a focus on the individual. A fuller discussion on network dynamics in practice will be the subject of chapters to follow.

Terror, as experienced by the Self and as an informing agent of the Self, must also be understood in how it affects the Self within society on the network and cultural levels.

The effects of terror on the Self must be expressed by the Self as embodied experience in relation to the habitus of the Self in everyday practice. This embodied expression must

72 therefore be culturally informed in some ways, while informing culture in mimetic processes through time and space.

Doris Jeanette (2002), a psychologist who studies Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

(PTSD), addresses the issue of terror as a historical, cultural and biological construct that is held deep within us. “Terror is nothing new. It is already part of our unconscious. We carry it around every day in our body and nervous system. It is from all the previous horrors our ancestors have experienced or we have directly experienced. Since recorded time man has been violent against men, women and children. The divine energy of the

Goddess was removed with brutal force. It was perhaps the first terrorist attack that came forth from man's ego…. so when there is any trauma in the outside world it triggers off our own internal terror that we have stored in our unconscious. 12 ” In this sense we can view terror as being part of our habitus (Bourdieu, 1977), informing every doxic arena and experience because it is a dialectical experience between the mind, the body, history, and culture. It mimetically reproduces itself 13 through violence and form within micro- network relations (as with child abuse, spousal abuse and rape) as well as macro-network global structures (racism and sexism).

While terror can be an individuating experience, it also enters into a cultural and social realm as the person-in-terror continues his or her life as a member of a social unit.

There is certain knowledge that fear, violence and terror bestows upon the mind and the body. This is not to say that all instances of violence are the same and can be shared. On the contrary, all instances are unique and their effects (results, physical somatizations 14 ,

73 and representations) are culturally constructed. Simply put, people come to live with terror as a part of their habitus and carry on, surviving as members of their society. Even in situations where an individual experiences constant terror - as found in war stricken areas of the world or within drug and violence infected areas of inner cities internationally - people tend to live and live-out their lives in the best ways they can.

Linda Green (1995) illustrates this human condition, while cautioning us not to dismiss terror simply because it does not rear its hydra-like head. She states, “While it is true that with repetitiveness and familiarity people learn to accommodate themselves to terror and fear, low-intensity panic remains in the shadow of waking consciousness. One cannot live in a constant state of alertness, and so the chaos one feels becomes infused throughout the body. It surfaces frequently in dreams and chronic illness.” (Green,

1995:109). Terror also surfaces in our expressions of life as within politics, music, art, film, writing, and everyday actions.

It is the expression of terror as the embodied Self expresses it culturally that brings the true nature of terror to light. Daniel (1994) illustrates the process of pain through torture - and the terror experienced from it – as a healing process. In his discussion he states, “In order for pain to find its freedom into the semiosis of culture, it must pass through the liminal phases of either terror, beauty, or both.” (1994:238). The representational form of these “liminal phases” may be difficult to discern as there is a tension between the non-representable nature of terror and the cultural forms of representation that the individual in terror is accustomed to using. Daniel equates the

dilemma to artistic expression and appreciation. The ancient adage, “Beauty is in the eye

of the beholder” speaks truth also to terror; the expression of terror and its reception by

the “experiencer” may find the true meaning of terror lost in translation or authenticity.

Daniel writes, “The point still holds that any representation of the aesthetic is by its very

nature incomplete and vague, although richly suggestive, which no number of

objectifications can exhaust.” (1994:229).

This sentiment illustrates the struggle with the authenticity of representation to

express a true meaning that has been the nemesis of many, as expressed historically.

Plato wrote: “...the mimetic poet sets up in each individual soul a vicious constitution by

fashioning phantoms far removed from reality, and by currying favor with the senseless

element that cannot distinguish the greater from the less, but calls the same thing now

one, now the other (Plato, Republic , X, 605b-c, my italics - SW).

Through an analysis of the Self in relation to terror as an embodied experience within habitus, we further our understandings of how the individual lives and acts within violent social contexts. These embodied experiences play a key dialectical role within the creating and recreating of social processes, which in turn affect how the world is shaped starting with the contexts of the micro-cultural network.

In this chapter I come closer to an understanding of the Self in relation to terror.

Through this analysis of how the Self in terror works dialectically within a habitus of relationships, we have a better understanding of how to address research on issues of violence not only on the individual and symbolic levels but also on the structural and

75 state levels 15 . Different types of violence, at different network levels socially, affect individuals and networks in various ways. However, it is the reaction of the Self to such violence that is of vital import to studies concerned with easing pain of the victims of atrocity, as well as for developing resources - such as research and intervention - for dealing with future violent situations and terror.

This analysis calls for a deeper understanding of the ethnographic subject’s individual and localized habitus, as a means of understanding the Self in practice as lived day-to-day. A level of analysis that begins with the Self (ego: an individual), her histories and network relations, and daily practice is beneficial, but we must also be able to scale this analysis upward towards wider sets of network relations.

I will present this analysis in Chapters Five, Six and Seven. Beginning with a micro-level case study, I will then present several cases and networks, including social and physical survival networks. I will consider larger issues faced within expanded levels of social networks in the context of neighborhoods and other forms of community in the city.

In Chapter Four I will illustrate the ethnographic methodology I have utilized to address the research problem outlined in the Introduction as well as in Chapters Two and

Three. From there I will move the discussion forward with a case study analysis in

Chapter Five that illustrates how these concepts come together in one woman’s life.

Notes for Chapter Three

1 Fugazi, 1989. Suggestion, on the album 13 Songs. Discord Records, Washington, D.C.

2 David Couzens Hoy (1999: 3-21) discusses a critique of Bourdieu in great detail in the edited work Perspectives on Embodiment. Gail Weiss and Honi Fern Haber eds, 1999.

3 Network “Node” was discussed by Castells (1996) in relation to the interconnections between different social networks.

4 During the month of October 2002, there were over a dozen people killed by a sniper in the D.C. Metropolitan area. He struck almost daily, and mostly in the morning hours. There was no modus operendi to the killings, save for the weapon used: a civilian model of an M16 assault rifle. There was also no discrimination as to who was the target. Anybody could be the next victim. It turned out the sniper was caught, and it was actually two snipers. They were responsible for over 15 slayings nationwide, most within the D.C. metro area.

5 Merriam Webster’s definition of Violence: Function: noun - Date: 14th century - 1 a : exertion of physical force so as to injure or abuse (as in effecting illegal entry into a house) b : an instance of violent treatment or procedure 2 : injury by or as if by distortion, infringement, or profanation : outrage 3 a : intense, turbulent, or furious and often destructive action or force b : vehement feeling or expression : fervor; also : an instance of such action or feeling c : a clashing or jarring quality : discordance 4 : undue alteration (as of wording or sense in editing a text) thewebstersdictionary.com

6 See Bourgois (2000) for his discussion on the analytical forms of violence.

7 Merriam Webster’s definition of Terror: Function: noun - Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French terreur, from Latin terror, from terrEre to frighten; akin to Greek trein to be afraid, flee, tremein to tremble - Date: 14th century - 1 : a state of intense fear 2 a : one that inspires fear : scourge b : a frightening aspect c : a cause of anxiety : worry d : an appalling person or thing; especially : brat 3 : reign of terror 4 : violence (as bombing) committed by groups in order to intimidate a population or government into granting their demands synonym: Fear. thewebstersdictionary.com

8 Merriam Webster’s definition of Horror: Function: noun - Etymology: Middle English horrour, from Middle French horror, from Latin, action of bristling, from horrEre to bristle, shiver; akin to Sanskrit harsate he is excited - Date: 14th century. 1 a : painful

and intense fear, dread, or dismay b : intense aversion or repugnance 2 a : the quality of inspiring horror : repulsive, horrible, or dismal quality or character b : something that inspires horror 3 plural : a state of extreme depression or apprehension . thewebstersdictionary.com

9 Merriam Webster’s definition of Fear: Function: noun - Etymology: Middle English fer, from Old English f[AE]r sudden danger; akin to Latin periculum attempt, peril, Greek peiran to attempt - Date: 12th century - 1 a : an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger b (1) : an instance of this emotion (2) : a state marked by this emotion 2 : anxious concern : solicitude 3 : profound reverence and awe especially toward God 4 : reason for alarm : danger Synonyms: fear, dread, fright, alarm, panic, terror, trepidation mean painful agitation in the presence or anticipation of danger. Fear is the most general term and implies anxiety and usually loss of courage < fear of the unknown>. Dread usually adds the idea of intense reluctance to face or meet a person or situation and suggests aversion as well as anxiety . Fright implies the shock of sudden, startling fear . Alarm suggests a sudden and intense awareness of immediate danger . Panic implies unreasoning and overmastering fear causing hysterical activity . Terror implies the most extreme degree of fear . Trepidation adds to Dread the implications of timidity, trembling, and hesitation . thewebstersdictionary.com

10 Fear has been discussed in great detail by C. Darwin (1899, ch.3), with a close relationship to terror: “The word `fear' seems to be derived from what is sudden and dangerous; and that of terror from the trembling of the vocal organs and body. For the purposes of this research I use the word `terror' for extreme fear; but some writers think it ought to be confined to cases in which the imagination is more particularly concerned. Fear is often preceded by astonishment, and is so far akin to it, that both lead to the senses of sight and hearing being instantly aroused.”

11 David Grossman critiques this perspective in his discussion “On Killing” (1995:77, 207, 280). He states that it is in fact the social debasement of violence on the self that causes further terror on the self.

12 Jeanette, Doris . Owning Up to Your Terror. Web publication, 2002. Direct URL: http://www.drjeanette.com/terror.html

13 I am using the term “mimetic” in the sense that Michael Tausig (1993) uses it to

describe the copying of social realities onto themselves as well as new subjects in time and space.

14 Meaning the body has actual physical responses to violence, like headaches, tremors, hot flashes, all of which have been associated with PTSD and other violence related disorders and conditions.

15 These four levels of analysis, as presented by Bourgois (2002:5-37) and discussed in Chapter Two are useful as a tool for understanding various types of violence within different contexts.

Chapter Four

Methodology and the Process of Ethnography

C. Kret’s truck, a local iconic image of the U Street neighborhood. Photo from: http://andiamnotlyingforreal.blogspot.com/2007_04_01_archive.html

In the introduction to this text I discusss the magnitude and depth of violence and

HIV in women’s lives, as well as other problems women face in the United States and specifically in the nation’s Capital. Chapters Two and Three discussed the main theoretical concepts of this research. Those two chapters also describe the complex 79 80 nature of violence, terror and the Self on micro and macro levels: from within the mind and body of the individual, including personal imagination or nightmares, to institutionalized, public-driven forms of violence and terror. In this chapter I will address issues within the ethnographic study of the women among with whom I conducted research.

Clifford states that the purpose of ethnography within any research project is to contribute to an understanding of cultural processes and interpretations "through intense research experiences" (1988:25). It is important to gain the fullest understanding of the concept that culture is important because all human behaviors are "culturally mediated"

(Rosaldo 1989:26). Ethnography helps gain an understanding of cultural meanings through close personal relations with people as they interact with the circumstances of their lives. It is a process of translation in that it creates what Rasalso describes as "an interplay between making the familiar strange and the strange familiar" (Rosaldo,

1989:39), which grounds the reader within a form of reality, helping them to better grasp the ways of cultures not their own. The process of ethnographic study is both inductive and deductive as it tests and retests hypotheses through the processes of interpreting culture.

Ethnographic research is a reflexive endeavor. Therefore, personal considerations were necessary within this research. Because I have had many years of field research experiences with related topics, I was careful not to assume expert knowledge of the salient micro-cultures, or each woman’s situation. I was candid in response to the

81 women’s questions and sentiments about my research. Openness was critical during the interview process. It assisted me in content and narrative analysis of the interview material and in understanding the social context of speech events and communication

(Blimes, 1992:571). An understanding of the contexts of the lives of these women contributed to a sharpened conceptual and methodological consideration.

As a Caucasian man, the study of African American women might have entailed some limitations. My being male may have influenced the data collected, since a central issue with the study was women’s experience and contextualization of violence perpetrated upon them by men. During past research, however, I have found that being a

Caucasian man has not adversely affected the quality of data collected. In my present research, most women with whom I worked with were open to discussion of what they considered sensitive subjects. In fact, many looked forward to our meetings, since they wanted to get the stories “off their chests”.

My research addresses the complexities of several women’s lives through a multi- method approach. Because of the nature of my research, I had to insure the protection of research participants. All the women in this study were clearly informed of the purpose of the study. Before each interview I read aloud to the research participant the entire confidentiality form, which they then signed. They received a copy for their records (see appendices for Consent Forms).

Population

The core population for my research, as discussed in previous chapters, consists

of African American women who have been abused as children, have been users of crack

cocaine and have been sex workers. I selected five women from Washington, D.C.,

collecting data on their lives and relations within various social networks. These

networks are defined as ego centric networks. For the purposes of this study, ego centric

networks (ego is one woman; each of the women are “ego” of their own network) are

operationally defined as the women’s immediate social network, that is, the people they

see and with whom they interact on a daily basis. Network members may be family,

friends, co-workers, sexual partners, social workers, and others. The networks are based

on dyadic network links, defined as the relationships between two individuals, originating

with one - referred to as the ego of the network. Network members originating from ego

(one of the women) are also defined based on relational values such as frequency of

contact, length of relationship in years, and types of activities they engage in (sexual

relations, drug use, etc). These members comprise the immediate members of the

egocentrically based network 1 and were examined to illustrate the micro-contextual features of the individual networks.

The “ego” of each network is an African American woman who lives in

Washington, D.C., has had a history of illicit drug use (crack cocaine specifically), has engaged in sex-for-drug or sex-for-money trades and has reported childhood sexual abuse and other forms of violence within her personal history. All participating women were

83 eighteen years of age or older, and were willing and able to consent to participation in this research. My study was coordinated with a local outreach program that caters specifically to sex workers in Washington, D.C., and offers them social service and health care programs. This outreach program was instrumental in the recruitment of the women who participated in the research, as well as logistical space for some of the interviews and participant observation arenas.

The five women were recruited by me at the offices of the outreach program.

This program has several “training” classes for sex workers each week. I would arrive before the class was over, and then the instructor for the class would introduce me. I gave a brief introduction of who I was and what my research was about, and invited those who might be interested in participating in the research to stay after the class to discuss the research in greater detail.

The women interested in participating were then informally screened by me to ensure they were within the targeted variable group (sex workers and drug users). I noted their age, neighborhood of origin, types of drugs used (both legal and illicit) and also asked them about their seropositivity for HIV and noted if they were negative or positive.

I attempted to select for women of varying ages to offer diversity to the small sample, as well as the types of drugs used (including drugs prescribed for mental disorders), types of sex work (sex for drugs, sex for money, or combinations of both and to what extent) and seropositivity.

Life History Interviews

Life histories were obtained from each of the five women with whom I worked

(Watson, 1985, Langness, 1965; see also, Langness, L.L., and Frank, G., 1981, Kroeber,

1961). These interviews were utilized to elicit a descriptive account of each woman’s life, with particular attention paid to her history, experiences, constructions and connections with violence, abuse, drug use, sexual behavior and HIV prevention. The women were interviewed regarding personal drug use, sexual practices, and instances of violence, past and present. Life history interviews were elicited with an interview guide

(see appendices for interview guides), based on grounded theory 2. I sought to understand family and community histories, including specific attention to drug use, sexual practices, and violence - the interviews offered a rich database on the experiences these women underwent in the context of violence, drug use and sex.

Each interview began with questions about when, where and with whom the subjects lived with when they were born, and then continued on to discuss family life, school, relationships and other periods of their lives. I remained focused on matters of abuse, violence, sex and drug use - but would also inquire about other parts of their lives, including positive experiences they had with friends or close relatives. The interviews were recorded on cassette tape and were transcribed for content analysis. Within this analysis I focused my attention on family relations, forms of abuse experienced, sexual and drug use relationships and other aspects of the womens’ lives that I felt were useful for ethnographic representation.

Event Recall Interviews

Event recall interviews (Agar, 1980) were utilized to address instances of violence and abuse within the woman’s past and to elicit self-report data regarding past drug use and sexual behavior. Event recall interviews were used with each of the women in the study, and were assisted by an interview guide that was developed based on grounded theoretical data. Interviews were given in coordination with the life histories and usually took place at the same time and place. The life history interviews were used as a guide to direct the event recall interviews and elicited information on past instances of violence

(physical, emotional, sexual) the women experienced.

Network Plotting

Network plots, or sociograms, were developed for each woman in the study. The plots depict network demographics, relationships, positions within other cultural and behavioral realms, and relations within socio-economic structures (including relations within the drug economy and sexual relations). The social network plotting interviews elicited a descriptive illustration of each woman’s HIV risk networks (risk of HIV transmission via drug use or sexual behaviors) and network related violence - as well as her broader sexual behavior, drug abuse, and HIV prevention issues. The wider communities of residence of network members were also examined, with emphasis on social and cultural contexts (Bott, 1957; Mitchell, 1969; and Barnes, 1972).

The first interviews given to each woman were the network plots, as I felt they acted as an ‘ice breaker’ of sorts due to their semi-formal nature. Life history interviews

86 followed the network plots. For network plot interviews I manually drew out the network diagram on paper as prompted by the interviewee’s answers, and then directed appropriate questions regarding her network. The drawing added a sense of formality, while the questions about each of the relational connections might lead to a relatively informal conversation about that relationship. The data elicited included network connection data, as well as contextual information about network relations. This information was recorded on cassette tape, as well as via handwritten notes and observational field notes recorded after the interview.

Comparisons between network plots were used within the analysis of the data to establish differences and ranges in behaviors and meanings within and between different types of networks. The network plotting interviews, as with all other types utilized for this research (with the exception of the Focus Group Interview; see below), were conducted at a private home in a centralized location in Washington, DC for easy participant access. Network plotting data were analyzed both from an HIV-risk perspective (risk of HIV between network members via drug use or sex) and from a political / economic perspective (i.e. where they obtain money, where they sleep, who assists them with these needs, and who offers basic conversational social support) so as to better understand the intricate power dynamics of the network and how they influence network behaviors.

Focus Group

A focus group interview (Frey and Fontana, 1993; Agar and McDonald, 1995,

Merton et al, 1956) was utilized with women from the HIPS (Helping Individual

Prostitutes Survive) outreach program, which took place at the outreach offices and lasted approximately two hours. Six women participated in the focus group (these six women were not part of the original five woman sample who participated in the focus group, network plot and event recall interviews). The women for the focus group were screened following a training class at the outreach program’s offices in the same fashion that I screened the five women in the core sample group.

The group’s conversational and meta-language dynamics helped generate data on the topics of interest - for example, having an excited or heated discussion about violence in their lives or local politics. The exact topics discussed within the focus group were issues of violence, childhood sexual abuse and adult sexual HIV-related behavior.

Participant Observation

Participant observation can address the broader issues of drug abuse and sexual behaviors and how these issues are seen socially within the womens’ networks.

Participant observation was utilized to observe and elicit social network norms, expressions, and experiences with violence, drug abuse and sexual behaviors, and to understand the contextual nature and connections in instances of violence, sexual behaviors, drug abuse and HIV prevention as practiced in daily life.

Data collection for this research was conducted between May, 2008 and

December, 2010. I believe that living within the research area was vital to an understanding of social processes; I lived within the research area for fifteen years. My seeing social changes occur over extended periods of time - as well as experiencing changes that may happen very quickly - paint a fuller picture of the social, cultural, and historical processes that one is representing ethnographically. In the second section of this chapter, I will give examples of how living in the research area has given me a better understanding of the environment in which the subject women live.

The fifteen years I lived in the research area were mostly spent in the U Street neighborhood, which has been heavily gentrified since 1990. During the course of my research I also lived in two other neighborhoods. The first of these neighborhoods,

Adams Morgan, has been gentrified since the early 1980’s and is home to much of

Washington, D.C. nightlife and cultural activities. The second neighborhood, Park View, is slowly experiencing gentrification today. I resided in this second location for the majority of this research.

A typical U Street Storefront Row House in the heart of the neighborhood at14 th and U Streets - Photo by Todd Pierce, 2004

Participant observation took place within each of the neighborhoods where I lived, as well as other social environments frequented by the women of the study.

Research was aided by several outreach programs that focused on HIV and violence harm reduction, and other social issues that the women in the study face in their lives. Through participant observation I was able to gain insight into the daily lives, rituals and norms of the women by “being” within social settings familiar to the research participants. These settings were social functions, the clinics or outreach centers that they frequent, the streets where they solicit sex, drug using environments or other sites where I was invited to join. Participant observation was performed with network members as well, and recorded in field notes that also focused on specific instances of violence, drug use and other related factors.

Participant observation offered insight also into the day-to-day lives and situations that the network members face and helped illustrate contexts that have or may have led to violence or to the risk of HIV infection. Methodological and theoretical notes were included in the field note transcription phase to ensure accuracy in data recording, development, and efficiency. I also maintained notes on activities and thoughts on the fieldwork process itself. All of the methods discussed below were utilized and analyzed within the context of participant observation.

Research Area: Washington, D.C. - Justitia Omnibus

This research was conducted within Washington, DC and focuses upon two historically African American neighborhoods, indicated in the lighted area of the NW quadrant in the satellite image to follow. I do not believe it accurate to discuss the research area simply as “neighborhoods,” as if they exist within isolated geo-social borders. The social processes, histories and changes that have occurred within each neighborhood are contingent upon changes within bordering neighborhoods, in relation to changes within the city and metro area. Research was conducted in a larger swath of the eastern side of the Northwest quadrant of D.C., encompassing the Shaw, U Street,

Midtown, Adams Morgan, Columbia Heights, Park View and Petworth neighborhoods.

For the purposes of creating an ethnographic description of the area I will limit my illustration to the areas that were most important to my research: U Street and Park View in Northwest, Washington, D.C.

Satellite image from: United States Geological Survey - April 22, 2002 -Lightened area altered by Todd Pierce

As mentioned in the introduction offered in Chapter One, I have lived within the target neighborhoods for fifteen years and have conducted research there since 1993. These neighborhoods have a history of drug use and selling drugs dating back to the 1920s, and are

currently undergoing rapid social change both demographically and economically. The

neighborhoods are historically iconic sites for the Washington, D.C. African American

community, and have undergone myriad social and cultural changes throughout the

twentieth century. They were the home of wealthy African American professionals and

eminent jazz musicians during the first half of the twentieth century. It is the location of a

number of musical hotspots, an iconic Black University and the sites of the riots that

followed the death of the civil rights leader Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr. in April of

1968.

Only recently one of the research neighborhoods, U Street, has undergone major renovations, gentrification and a sort of renaissance. Many of the buildings that were burned out shells after the riots of the late 1960’s are now being transformed into popular restaurants, nightclubs, boutiques, cafes and condominiums. Interestingly, some of these new establishments carry the original names and business identities that were located within their respective buildings prior to the riots - or the names of famous historical figures that occupied them, thereby capitalizing on the historical cache. In the early 1990s affluent, white partygoers did not frequent this area. But with the opening of new ‘hip’ venues, the area has gained a bohemian reputation that attracts a white clientele, as well as professional business types from various demographic backgrounds.

14 th & U: Cultural Center of the U Street Neighborhood

A picture from the street corner where the riots following the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. broke out: 14 th and U Streets, NW DC. This picture is one of celebration following the election of President Barack Obama. -Photo Taken by Todd Pierce, 10:30pm. November 4 th , 2008

A financial and real estate upswing occurred during the mid 1990s. With it came new condominium and apartment buildings, as well as new restaurants and retail stores, most of which are ‘chains’ offering anything but soul food. Some of the new businesses have made an honest effort to show respect for the history of the area, while also creating a new image for what is undoubtedly one of the most culturally important areas of

Washington, D.C.

The U Street comeback has had some positive effects, though. No longer are there almost nightly gunfights in the streets and alleys, heroin nodding off in one’s apartment stairwell, hallway or stoop, or crack users geeking3 up and down the block day and night.

The ‘New U’, as it is sometimes currently referred to in advertisements, created a revitalized nightlife environment that beckons local patrons as well as customers from suburbs in

Maryland and Virginia seeking out fashionable new bars and fine cuisine.

Over the past decade, the Park View neighborhood has undergone significant changes economically, but not nearly as many as U Street. There is a direct relationship between levels and types of violence within a neighborhood and the economic profile of that neighborhood: the poorer the neighborhood, the more violence occurs there. The landscape of Park View is changing, as are some residents. Some are newcomers, while others are families who have been there for generations, now involved in major renovations of their historic homes.

Park View is mostly populated by African Americans, with some Caucasian and

Latino residents. Located north of Howard University, a historic African American university, it lies on the border of two major neighborhoods, Columbia Heights and

Petworth, which are going through similar social changes. The landscape of those neighborhoods is slowly morphing, as new condominiums and retail stores are constructed, but Park View has not seen as much gentrification as those locations, or the housing and service sector boom that those neighborhoods share. There are no Starbucks

Coffee Shops, no Whole Foods or Fresh Fields, no Dominos Pizza, or any other widely

recognizable national chain name - be it for coffee, food, libations, or entertainment. You

see original names for such places in Park View. The issue of gentrification, of great

concern within the subject neighborhoods, will be addressed in more detail in the

chapters that follow.

In the remainder of this Chapter I will discuss issues of methodology from an

experiential perspective, with a style or representation that is different from a more

formalized way of discussing methodological practices. This will allow and develop a

fuller understanding of the uniqueness of ethnographic data collection within the realm of

cultural processes as they occur. The section will offer insights to understand the context

of violence within the research area.

Shots Fired

“You don’t exactly penetrate another culture, as the masculine image would have it. You put yourself in its way and it bodies forth and enmeshes you.” -Clifford Geertz 1995:44

Throughout my research I have come to the conclusion that some data is not collected; rather, findings are “forced” upon the observer. Similar to what Malinowski

(1922: 2) referred to when he said to “put down the camera” and join “in on the dance,” this research means more than simply creating an empathetic perspective with the

“native.”

An ethnographer doesn’t always make this decision voluntarily. On the contrary, as a researcher one can be as much an actor in the situational and contextual processes as those with whom you are conducting research. In this research, the situations are often couched within violent contexts. This is what I will call ambient data collection . A part of the more classical ethnographic method of participant observation, ambient data collection might result from a situation in which one is not only absorbing but also absorbed by knowledge about the life-ways and cultural processes of those of whom you are studying.

The incidents of violence that I will describe in this section, combined with the multitudinous forms of violence present in the everyday (addressed in greater detail in later chapters) illustrate the violent social context in which this ethnography was conducted and the world the women of this study inhabit. This situational violence, combined with the personal violence in their lives (childhood sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse as well as drug abuse) help to paint a more realistic picture of the

“habitus of terror” which is central conceptually to this ethnographic inquiry and will be continually addressed throughout this text.

Living in Park View I could not help but notice the environmental sounds and energies present daily. I live near a corner on Georgia Avenue in Northwest DC, which is a high-traffic area for both vehicles and pedestrians. The soundscape includes low flying helicopters flying directly overhead (police helicopters with powerful spotlights scanning the ground, Medivac helicopters soaring to the hospital a few blocks away or

98 the Presidents Marine One helicopters on their routine daily flights) and the constant sounds of police and ambulance sirens often follow volleys of gunfire heard on a regular basis. One cannot avoid these omnipresent sounds, and the involuntary responses they affect upon the body and mind.

Hearing gunshots while sitting in my apartment was a common occurrence. After about six months of living in Park View, I decided to record the gunshots I heard. I did so on my calendar pinned to the wall next to my desk, in a small nook at a window in my apartment, overlooking a razor-ribbon-topped fence. I was beginning to feel the effects of living in this neighborhood upon my morale and well-being; these were effects of the ambient data collection, the embodiment of the violence in which I was living.

Personally, it was as much research data collection as my interest in theoretical underpinnings of ethnographic methodology. The being there has been critiqued time and again within the anthropological discipline but is still held steadfastly and for good reason. Over the past twenty years, including experiences in early to mid-1990s U Street as well as my current research in those areas and Park View, I have heard or been witness to hundreds, perhaps thousands, of gun shots and well over a hundred fire fights. After a while, this becomes embodied knowledge.

I began collecting gunshot data in March, 2008. All of the shots recorded occurred after dark, usually between the hours of 9:00pm and 3:00am, and all were recorded between Sundays and Thursdays, as I was not home at night on Fridays and

Saturdays. I have never heard neighborhood shots being fired at midday. Below is the

data from seven months, all collected between Sunday and Wednesday 9:00pm through

3:00am.

Mar 2008: 2 instances of gunfire Apr 2008: 3 instances of gunfire May 2008: 2 instances of gunfire-four confirmed killed in the second shooting Jun 2008: 1 instance of gunfire-I was out of town for ten days Jul 2008: 1 instance and several unconfirmed due to 4 th of July fireworks Aug 2008: 2 instances of gunfire–intense fire fights (10+ rounds each). September 2008: 4 instances of gunfire–two intense fire fights (10+ rounds each).

As mentioned earlier, changes are occurring in the area. Gentrification is occurring in steady waves within the Capital. Ten years ago violence was frequent at the heart of the U Street research area; one could hear gunshots and police sirens nightly in that area at that time. Changing residence during the course of this research proved vital to my understanding of social processes, as well as gaining a better contextual understanding of the lives of the women participating in the study. It would not be a stretch to state that Park View is quite similar to the U Street of ten to fifteen years ago.

Below are two reports. The first summarizes types of reported crimes in the neighborhood where I lived from 2006 to mid-2010; the second is a year-long snapshot of reported crimes occurring in the same neighborhood. It reflects changes in crime from one year to the next.

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Top Nine Offenses – Park View - January 1, 2006 to June 2010 :

Theft from auto 2,237 29% Theft 1,730 22% Robbery 1,374 18% Stolen auto 867 11% Assault with a deadly weapon 738 9% Burglary 717 9% Sex abuse 103 1% Homicide 27 0% Arson 5 0%

Source: www.EveryBlock.com Direct url: http://dc.everyblock.com/locations/neighborhoods/columbia-heights/overview/

Focusing on the section that deals only with “Assault with a Deadly Weapon” and

“Robbery” where a weapon was used, there were 1,433 crimes of this nature reported in the same forty-three month time period - more than thirty-three a month or over one violent attack reported a day in an area approximately six blocks by eight blocks.

Additionally, many crimes go unreported to the police so they will never show up in a database (ibid).

Robbery: Force and violence: 527 Assault with a deadly weapon: Other: 339 Robbery: Gun: 284 Assault with a deadly weapon: Knife: 283

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Crime Statistics Report (from www.DC.gov) Crimes that occurred within 1500 feet of Todd Pierce’s home, located in the 3 rd Police District(s) between 08/19/2008 and 08/18/2009. Number of Crimes that Occurred Between Crime Type 8/19/2007 to 08/19/2008 to % Change 8/18/2008 08/18/2009 Homicide 5 4 20

Sex Abuse 10 7 30

Robbery Excluding Gun 72 114 58

Robbery With Gun 21 28 33

Assault Dangerous Weapon 42 33 21 (ADW) Excluding Gun Assault Dangerous Weapon 21 6 71 (ADW) Gun Total Violent Crime 171 192 12

Burglary 75 53 29

Theft 88 94 7

Theft F/Auto 136 161 18

Stolen Auto 73 75 3

Arson 0 0 N/A Total Property Crime 372 383 3

543 575 6 Total Crime

How results are calculated: • Percent change = Number of crimes that occurred within search period minus number of crimes that occurred between the same dates the previous year divided by number of crimes that occurred between the same dates the previous year. • If the number of crimes that occurred between the same dates the previous year is 0, the percent change cannot be calculated and N/A is displayed. Source: http://crimemap.dc.gov/presentation/report.asp

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September 19 th , 2008

It was a Friday night. My wife and I had the night off from work. We were invited to a friend’s house-warming party, which was a welcome break from our normal work weekends. The air was cool with clear skies. We left our apartment building at

9:00pm. My mood, when in the neighborhood, always changes, and I often find myself in a defensive posture…always looking over one’s shoulder in anticipation of the ‘bad guys’ jumping out. This is not outside of the ordinary for anyone living in this part of the city.

When we returned that night to our building at around midnight, we saw crime scene tape blocking off the entrance to our building. A police officer and crime scene technician were outside; bullets had been fired into our building. One was fired through the window at the front entrance near the security panel. Two bullets were fired into windows near a first floor apartment.

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Front window of my building after being shot out. -Photo by Todd Pierce, 2008

Several residents of the building witnessed the shooting, though not closely enough to surmise exactly what happened. One resident walking his dogs was just down the block when the gunfire occurred. Another saw it on his television via a security camera feed that shows the front door area of the building. He said there were approximately seven shots fired, but only three hit the building. Where did the others go?

Did they hit another intended target? My theory, which I shared with the police, is that based on the pattern of shots that hit the building, the shooter was aiming for a moving car.

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Bullet impact and ricochet in the lobby of the building where I live. -Photo by Todd Pierce, 2008

To summarize, the environment in my neighborhood consists of constant police sirens, hovering helicopters, random conversations and outbursts from the alleys and gunfire. The ambient noises, the natural sounds of the environment if you will, are not what most people would consider sounds of ‘safety.’ By any standard, urban neighborhoods like this one in Washington, D.C. and the United States might be considered low-intensity war zones.

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Monday June 22 nd , 2009

While grilling second floor deck overlooking our back alley and a fenced-in commercial parking area, I heard a volley of gunfire. This can be shocking, but is usually over quickly, after a few shots have been fired. Even what I call more ‘intense’ fire fights were exceeded by what I heard on this evening. Within my hearing and near my home, over sixty rounds were fired back and forth over the course of an hour. After counting to sixty in my head I simply gave up. Following the first intense volleys, multiple police sirens could be heard rushing to the immediate area, soon combined with the piercing wail of ambulances and fire trucks. I then logged in to a popular local neighborhood online blog (PrinceofPetworth.com) to submit an informal report of what was occurring (tips are common and encouraged by this particular blogger). My post was soon followed by others who live nearby. These were followed up that week with official reports; the following has been copied directly from this blog (directly quoted) 4:

Prince of Petworth Blog Posts and Email Responses:

I received two very similar sounding emails. First, from the Lamont & Georgia Area:

“In the last 30 minutes - multiple volleys, 60+ initial shots. Major police / fire / ambulance response.”

Second, from the Warder and Newton Area:

“Around 9:45pm this evening, I heard a number of what sounded to be gunshots (I have a hard time telling… there were fireworks going off in the neighborhood as well tonight). It sounded pretty intense, with some squealing tires following and tons of emergency services sirens shortly thereafter. I also heard some my neighbors’ kids outside screaming, “Someone got shot!” Perhaps you can verify and/or shed some light?”

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“I haven’t seen any police reports but will update as soon as I do. Did anyone else hear/see this incident?”

“There is now a police or news helicopter circling the area. My neighbor indicated that a black SUV right outside our building at the 3500 block of Warder has 3 bullet holes in it and that the gunfight initially began on Quebec Place, NW. Likely related is an overturned car near Georgia Ave. ”

“This has just been a brutal day…”

“Here’s a pic of the overturned car at Otis and Park Pl. The story I heard was that the shooting started at Warder and Quebec. The guy in this car, got into his car and sped off. He had been shot. The white car had been parked along Park Pl.”

And finally from the Metro Police Department via CM Bowser:

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“On Monday, June 22, 2009, at 2156 hours units from the Third District were dispatched to the 600 block of Quebec Pl., NW, for the report of a shooting. Moments later they received a second run for a traffic accident involving an overturned vehicle two blocks away at the intersection of Park Pl & Otis Pl NW. Upon the arrival of the officers they located an adult female in the 600 block of Quebec Pl NW, suffering from a gunshot wound to the leg. They located a male victim at the scene of the traffic accident in the 3600 block of Park Pl., NW. The male was suffering from multiple gunshot wounds which, it was learned, he received while he was in the 600 block of Quebec Pl., NW. The DCFD responded to the scene and transported the victims to area hospitals. The male was transported to MedSTAR, where he was pronounced dead at 2350 hours.”

End Prince of Petworth Blog Post and Email Response.

This blog post sparked an intense blog discussion (posts back and forth) that included more than 250 posts. Respondents included residents of this neighborhood and surrounding areas, D.C. government officials, and others. The extensive discussion

(seventy-five pages of single spaced text) is incredibly insightful as a narrative analysis.

The incident discussed here is important. It shows a community discourse unfolding in cyberspace, illustrating the use of modern forms of communication to address important issues in people’s immediate surroundings. Local neighborhood and city official meetings do happen in Washington, D.C. on a regular basis, but most people do not attend these forums. The internet allows for participation, and a more equal and free playing field with regard to types of language and perspectives used within the discourse.

Below are three representative Prince of Petworth blog responses (direct quotes):

(A) “Welfare mom on Quebec Place who lets her children smoke pot and run wild in the streets all night long every night hit in leg with bullet, expected to survive.

Innocent man driving by during altercation hit with bullet, crashes car, dies at hospital.

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[The mayor] was in Park View last month and acted very rudely to residents who told him the neighborhood was moving in the wrong direction. Insisted they didn’t know what they were talking about.”

(B) “The times are changing. Give it time. Despite the pessimists, the neighborhoods are changing and crime is going to decrease. Eventually, the projects and crackhouses will close and the crime will go with them. It’s only a matter of time. The conversations like those in blogs like this one are happening more and more frequently (almost on a daily basis at this point), and we the taxpayers won’t stand for it. You can sense that it seems to be reaching a boiling point.

Regarding the “GTFO” (get the fuck out) comment, crime is not a foregone conclusion with living in the city! Look at Europe! Heck, look at Georgetown. Eventually, hard-working professionals will make up the majority in Columbia Heights and Petworth just like in Georgetown. Just keep up the hope. Things are changing and they will continue to do so.”

(C) “Desensitization works in strange ways. Years ago I would have been certain what I heard was gunfire. Last night when I heard the first two cracks I thought it possibly gunfire, but dismissed the subsequent roaring barrage as firecrackers–it was just too rapid-fire to be otherwise.

Sixty (or more) in about 5 seconds? Who has that kind of firepower? It must be fireworks. [later on] Oh, a helicopter. Must have been bullets. A LOT of bullets.”

Most of the blog responses discussed violence in the neighborhood, its regularity, police and other government response, tensions of gentrification, race, economics, and other pertinent social issues. Not all the discussion related to the immediate subject at hand (the shootout and killing), but most did and were rife with sadness, fear, anger and frustration. One response stands out. It is of such a personal nature that it was hard to ignore for the blog readers and discussion participants:

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“Yes the victim was ______he is my brother. And to address the person who “heard” that he was being chased lets verify that statement okay. He was merely standing in the wrong place at the wrong time. He died due to senseless violence. Violence in which we will see justice thank god they found that bastard who killed my brother. R.I.P.”

Attempted Carjacking During Outreach

As part of my participant / observation data collection I volunteered to help in

outreach for an organization that helps Washington, D.C. sex workers in the city. As part

of my assistance I volunteered to work on the group’s outreach van, which consists of the

team leader (Jeff), the passenger or “Hot Seat” team member, Cathy, and one other

outreach volunteer, Linda, who readied bags of HIV prevention materials with me. Cathy

was also a sex worker, and one of the subjects for this research. Her story is told in

Chapter Five.

The evening of Thursday, March 20 th 2008 began with the team loading into a van and then heading down to greater the Southeast Hospital area to drop off condoms to a client who had requested some via the outreach hotline. We then made rounds throughout the Alabama Avenue area of Southeast and headed to the bus station area, passing out condom kits and using the restrooms there. Next we drove over to the K

Street areas of 3 rd through 6 th streets, NW (lower Shaw).

At the corner of 4 th and K there were several sex workers, as well as men interested in free condoms, hot chocolate and clothing. We passed out supplies to all who wanted them. One transsexual sex worker needed a coat, so we opened the back of the

110 van to show her a few we had to give away. She found one that suited her and we reentered the van.

One man, of slender build and about forty-five years of age, was talking to Cathy who was in the front passenger ‘hot’ seat 5. He seemed to be on-edge as he told her his friend was acting weird and probably was in need of medical attention. The friend was seated on a cement stoop near the corner of the building. He was a much larger man of about the same age. The first man described the situation - his friend was behaving erratically and attacking people who attempted to approach him. As he continued to speak he constantly scanned the van’s interior. I thought perhaps he was assessing the occupants, which created a few danger signals. Jeff, the outreach leader driving the van, asked the man who was talking to Cathy if he should call an ambulance for the friend.

The man didn’t want him to, but rather thought we could give him quick assessment.

Sensing a setup, I told Jeff we should continue the discussion a block further down the street and pull away from this intersection. I thought he would understand the urgency of a potential threat, but he did not take my hint and continued to engage the man in the passenger window.

Without warning, the man in the window was shoved to the side and the passenger door was flung open by the large man who had been sitting on the stoop. He reached into the car and grabbed Cathy, attempting to drag her out of the van. Luckily she had her seat belt on, which thwarted his attack. The first man darted in front of our van. I told Jeff to step on the gas and get us out of there, which he promptly did,

111 disregarding the man who had jumped in front of our vehicle. I was convinced he was attempting to block our escape and that we had just been set up for a carjacking, and I was correct. I remember the look on the first man’s face as he realized that he was about to be run over by a large van - the expression of wonderment, surprise and then fear - as he was slammed in the chest and run over by the driver’s side tires. I yelled at Jeff to

‘gun it!’ and he did. We darted about 100 meters before looking back, only to see the man who was run over get up and give chase along with his large partner. They were actually catching up to us, so we sped away to safety.

Love Boat aka: PCP

PCP was the only drug we could think of that would create such a flurry of violence. Among our collected working experience, we were sure it was PCP influencing this behavior. Their strength and determination were not that of people on heroin or crack.

I called 911 per Jeff’s suggestion, after finding a nearby police station deserted aside from car storage. The responders accompanied them to attempt identification of the perpetrators. Jeff did not want the outreach to be involved in an arrest on a street corner where HIPS tries to help prostitutes; I vociferously disagreed because these men may also make the lives of prostitutes who work there miserable, and they had attempted to violently carjack us. About 15 minutes later we saw an ambulance heading down the street toward where the attack on us took place. Because we were all on edge after the attack and it was getting late, we decided to call it a night.

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Cathy was shaken up. She has dealt with extreme personal violence in her life, from childhood sexual abuse to myriad forms of violence growing up and as an adult. I talked to her for a while about the incident, and assured her that she could call me to talk about it if she were feeling anxious or depressed. I called her a few days later to follow up. She stated that she planned to take a short break from outreach work, but that she was fine.

Fire in the Streets

A Washington, DC Police Officer watches with gun drawn as firemen attempt to put out a burning car behind my apartment building on Lamont Street, NW - Photo by Todd Pierce, May 2009

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Hearing gunshots is unsettling. Seeing bullet holes fired through your apartment entryway is worse. But there were times when I am still surprised by what I saw or heard in Park View, my current neighborhood. In the early hours of May 18 th , 2009 I heard popping noises that sounded like fireworks coming from the alley area at the rear of my apartment. I looked at a neighbor’s home and thought I saw flames coming from it.

Finally, I figured out that I was observing reflections of flames in their window, and that in-fact the flames were in the alley directly behind my home about thirty meters down the alley – emanating from a car completely engulfed in billowing flames.

We called 911, and within seconds a police car arrived, stopping a safe distance from the flames. The officer inside quickly got out of his car. He was dressed in street clothes and looked like he just run from his own apartment in my building to investigate.

Gun drawn, he approached the burning vehicle, but had to stop short due to the twenty foot flames. Fire trucks and an ambulance followed about ten minutes later. It took nearly an hour to put out the flames, as the combination of gasoline, oil, plastics and rubber were very difficult to douse. No bodies were found in the burning wreck. Perhaps the car was stolen and set on fire for fun, perhaps for an insurance claim or revenge: I never found out. But, it was a surprisingly different form of visual violence for me; one that I had never seen in my years of research. Within a few months of this fire there were more reported throughout the neighborhood; some suspected that they were started as a way to trying to scare off newcomers to Park View in an attempt to stave off gentrification.

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Night & Day

I would be remiss if I did not touch on a topic that I believe to be of vital methodological and theoretical importance, one that I have not seen mentioned in other ethnographic texts to date. This subject is literally the difference between night and day.

The picture I have painted of my research, and the research area is one of violence, poverty, drugs and other topics generally considered to be “horrible”. This is not necessarily an accurate portrayal. Nor is data - or the collecting of data - necessarily the same at night as it is during the day.

In Park View there is definitely an air of the tension and potential violence when the sun goes down. But during the daylight hours, this is not the norm. People are moving about their daily business, children are going to or from school, there are people sitting on their porches chatting or even enjoying a nice meal on an outside patio at one of the several good restaurants in the area. There are fun community activities, like festivals, concerts or street parties. Rarely have I heard gunfire, or seen the police racing to the scene of a crime during daylight hours. I will discuss this in much greater detail in

Chapter Eight.

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Todd Pierce, Georgia Avenue, NW during Caribbean Fest 2010 -Photo by Jennifer Miner Pierce

Conducting interviews during the day is relaxed, despite covering what are very difficult subjects for many women. Of course, when in situations illicit by nature, like

116 amongst drug users using drugs or drug dealers dealing drugs, one must be vigilant and mitigate properly the ever-present danger of potential violence.

But there is a clear difference between daylight hours and the night. One’s senses are more in tune with potential violence at night, because of conditioning, or perhaps imagination. One wonders how the idea of night versus day figures into the lives of the women in this research. For women who are addicted to drugs and must venture into darkness to ply their trades in efforts to obtain them, how does maneuvering within such spaces of violence affect their practices? Spaces and the meanings associated with them are an important issue in fieldwork and ethnographic representation, as well as our conceptualization of networks of meaning in relation to the habitus of terror that is an area of central concern in this analysis.

In Chapter Five I will discuss the lives of my research subjects by looking at their social networks, interpersonal relationships and histories to better understand and conceptualize how their lives, their ‘Self’ is connected to, informed by and interwoven within lifelong webs of violence, drug abuse, and risk of HIV and other disease. I will illustrate various issues through the presentation of an ethnographic case study of one woman who is representative of most women I have worked with in this research.

Chapter Five will be followed with a chapter dedicated to the life stories and situations of the other women who participated in the research.

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Notes for Chapter Four

1 This assisted in limiting the definitional framework of the egocentric network for operational purposes. For instance, a woman who is a prostitute may in-fact have 100 or more sexual partners in a week, making a loosely defined ego-centric network based on sexual partners on whom it is very difficult to study.

2 “grounded theoretical data” is in reference to my extensive knowledge of drug using populations. So, for example, I knew which areas of drug use, drug economies and violence to key in on, as well as knowledge of the city and neighborhoods, etc.

3 Geeking: An effect of drug use usually habitual in nature. When someone is “geeking” after using crack cocaine, for example, he might have a particular action he cannot help but do. It may be peeking out the window constantly for fear of the police, running around a block, scratching the same spot on their body over and over, etc. In context: “what is Joe doing, hiding behind the dumpster out back?” “Oh, he be geeking.”

4 Blog posts of this nature, and their usefulness in understanding network communications will be discussed further in chapter eight.

5 The “Hot Seat” and other aspects of the outreach performed by HIPS will be discussed in greater detail in chapter nine.

Chapter Five:

Habitus of Terror and the Agency of Risk

In the introduction to this text I discussed some of the broader issues concerning

HIV and African American women. In Chapters Two I outlined several ways in which violence is situated within the habitus of an individual and how we can conceptualize it within a framework that allows us to better place it within contexts of meaning. The Self, as discussed in Chapter Three, is a construction of a person’s histories in relation to networks of personal interaction and meanings. It is how these elements come together to form a person’s personality, actions, and meanings in actions. My discussion on methodology in Chapter Four illustrates some immediate environmental issues, i.e. violence, found in certain neighborhoods, etc. These will be elaborated upon further in chapters to come.

In this chapter I return to the concept of networks and how violence can be viewed within an individual’s life through network relations and meaning. This allows us to better understand the more intricate details of the interviewed women’s situations, their lives couched within a context of continual violence, oppression and minefields of disorder and disease.

My conceptual guideposts for analyzing the information collected about the lives of the women subjects are a) the generalized categories of violence presented by

Bourgois in Chapter Two (structural, political, symbolic and everyday violence); and b) my focus on how the Self has been affected by violence in everyday practice as outlined in Chapter Three, specifically in regard to HIV risk behavior.

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Chapter Five will present one case study of a woman’s life. This will include how

her personal history, social relations and behaviors relate to the aforementioned

guideposts. It will also investigate how the contributions of her story define for us more

clearly the relationship between childhood sexual abuse, other forms of violence, drug

use and HIV risk behaviors. The discussions, data presentation and analysis presented in

this chapter will act as an armature for Chapter Six to follow. Chapter Six will then

present the stories of three other women’s lives which function as concrete illustrations of

my theoretical guideposts.

Each of the five women who participated in this study helped in the construction

of detailed network plots, or sociograms, that illustrate their immediate and extended risk

of HIV and their social networks; e.g. friends, family, sex partners, and social service

organizations, places and contexts of drug use, social spaces, personal and sexual

relationships, amount of daily drug use, and how they obtained money and drugs. The

plots were used with the in-depth interviews (life history and event recall interviews) to

illustrate the complexity of specific socio-behavioral contexts and histories.

As discussed in Chapters Two and Three, men’s control over women within the context of crack cocaine use is apparent on socio-economic levels. From the street walking sex worker who gets money from a “client”, to the crack dealer from whom she buys, to the crack house “house man” she may pay (with sex, money or drugs) for a place to use her drugs, to the men with whom she has sex there for more crack. She is at constant odds with men’s domination, demands, exploitation and the need for more crack

120 to feed her addiction. It is apparent that, in each of these contexts, the woman has a different level of agency in her risk behaviors.

As discussed in Chapter Four, one of the methods utilized for data collection is an interview technique that organized the social lives of the women into visual structures known as sociograms, or network plots. These allow us a better view of their world and the forces within which they must operate.

The first image, offered below, is a scan of an actual plot drawn during a network- plotting interview from “Cathy”. The information from this exercise allows for the creation of other visual and conceptual imaging to assist in the organization of the data.

The second image is the same network plot information from Cathy after it has been organized by me, and is an example of a detailed sociogram of her more immediate networks or relations drawn directly from the original network plotting exercise. I offer these visuals at the outset of this chapter simply as reference to better understand Cathy’s story, which immediately follows.

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Image One: Cathy’s Original Network Plot Drawing

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Image Two: Cathy’s Network Plot Illustrating Her Immediate Networks

A-1 “CATHY”

FAMILY 44 yrs old African American Mother HIV+ Daughter - 26 Son - 24 Hepatitis C Manic Depressive Daughter - 24 Daughter - 22 Schizophrenic 2 Granddaughters Homeless (lives in Shelter) Brother Brother Sister

Sister (Deceased) DRUGS AND SEX 3 Aunts Many Cousins All In Maryland

TRICKS FOR CASH X-Y Cars-Street SOCIAL GROUP Mostly White

Drugs-Sex 30+ / week SOCIAL 25% condom use SUPPORT $500-$600 / A1 X Avenue - Y Street week GROUPS Crack House Use

14 Drug Friends TRICKS FOR 2 Crack Houses CRACK 1 Main One X-Y Crack X Outreach House 1 Boyfriend/Lover A Center Mostly African B Center No condom use American C Center with boyfriend 150+ / week 30-40% condom D Center E Center use Shelter X Collective SSI - Medicaid

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Cathy

“I don't think about shit. I only think about giving him a fuck and getting a hit. Straight and to the point… at first it was just a job, then later on it became a challenge.”

The network plot example previously given is based on Cathy’s information. I chose this illustrative example because her account is not unusual with regard to other women from her sample group. Her is a story common to many women who use crack cocaine and have sex for money or drugs. The following pages draw upon information from the network plotting exercise as well as event recall, life history interview data and participant observation with Cathy. I frequently saw her on the streets as she plied her trade as a sex worker. We also spent time with other outreach workers, distributing condoms and other HIV prevention supplies, cold weather coats, hot cocoa or juice and making referrals to other social services. Cathy is the woman featured in the attempted carjacking described in Chapter Four whom the attacker attempted to pull from our HIPS outreach van before we left the scene.

I will give a brief overview of Cathy’s life history and then address more detail on her life, networks, day-to-day life experiences and spaces and the violence that encapsulates them. I will utilize exact transcripts from our discussions together, which at times are lengthy. I feel, however, they are necessary illustrations of key points about violence, networks, the self, and HIV.

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Cathy is a forty-four-year old African American homeless woman who lives in a shelter. She was born in Southwest, D.C. where she lived in a small apartment with her mother, grandmother, two sisters and brother. She remembers her mother being physically and mentally abused by the father of her brother (not her own father) and one of her sisters even though he did not live with them. Her mother and biological father were separated all her life; she does recall attending his funeral a few years ago. She also attended her older sister’s funeral five years ago; the sister was killed during a drive-by shooting. She considered her older sister to be her best friend and closest family member.

Cathy has fond memories of her grandmother and extended family in the

Richmond, VA area, as well as trips to South Carolina to visit with family members who lived on a farm. She never met her maternal grandfather, as her grandparents separated before she was born.

While growing up she never felt that she had a good relationship with her mother, from whom she suffered physical and emotional abuse regularly. Her mother had parties in their small apartment almost every night of the week. People whom Cathy did not know were constantly in their home: playing loud music, drinking alcohol, smoking marijuana, and using other drugs until the wee hours of the morning. She was forced to stay awake to clean up messes, fetch drinks, and then clean up afterward while her mother yelled at her in a drunken stupor. In discussing forms of abuse that she had to endure, she discusses her relationship with her mother (T = Todd; C = Cathy):

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T: What other kind of violence do you think you might have experienced as a child besides abuse? C: Mental abuse. I was more mentally abused than I was sexually abused in different ways with the tongue-lashing. That tongue-lashing hurts. From my mom. From my sister. You know. And like I said, during that time I was mentally disturbed. They was calling me retarded as a child. Because of my hyperactiveness. Because at that time you wasn't bipolar. You was hyperactive. You were a disturbed child. So I was experiencing a lot of difficulties. I was on a lot of different medication at that time. T: Right. And you said you were also diagnosed a schizophrenic? C: Yeah. T: How does that manifest itself in your life? How does it show itself in your life? C: Where sometimes I'd sit up and I'd be talking to you. Sometimes, you know, if you say certain things I'll cuss you out and then later on I'll come back and talk to you nicely like nothing happened and, you know, I'll come back and apologize to you. Sometimes I'd want to beat you up or, you know. T: So it's kind of like…Is it like almost different personalities? C: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Cathy has spent many years in and out of hospitals and clinics. As a child she stayed in two different hospitals for years, one in Washington, D.C. and one in

Columbus, OH. Her mother committed her to these wards, where she lived for several years in both instances. While there she was continually given different drugs to treat her condition, but she claims most of them had little effect on her: “I was so strong inside that

I could actually talk to you and have a good conversation with 500 milligrams of

Thorazine two times a day.” She attributes being sent to live in the hospital child psychiatric wards to being diagnosed as a “problem child” or “hyperactive”. “Back in the day they called you retarded if you was a problem child. They didn't know about ADHD

126 and all that. They didn't know about all that back then, so you were either a problem child or you was hyperactive or you was retarded.”

Cathy’s relationship with her mother was one of constant neglect, being passed from one person to the other to be looked after, for various reasons; she always felt that she was forced to adapt quickly. Her mother was having a hard time financially supporting Cathy and her siblings. She recalls her mother continually telling her “she didn’t’ know why she had her.” The emotional abuse was daily and devastating.

When Cathy was ten she and her sister were moved to Ohio to live with a woman her mother claimed was a friend who would help them out. Her mother never told the girls they were going to be moved - she simply dropped them off and said they would be staying there for awhile. “We was angry. We was crying. We didn't understand.” This while lasted three to six years. She has a hard time recalling the exact total time, as it was interrupted by her mother bringing them back and forth between Washington, D.C. and

Columbus every now and then. Her mother’s friend had a boyfriend who lived with them. He was the man who sexually abused Cathy at age of eleven. He continually had sex with Cathy and her sister when her mother’s friend was not present; he also allowed several of his friends to sexually abuse her. On multiple occasions she was forced to have sex with him and of his friends while they all sat around drinking and smoking drugs.

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Intersection of 14 th and U Street, the heart of the U Street neighborhood -Photo by Todd Pierce from The Reeve’s Municipal Center (2004)

After returning to Washington, D.C. from Columbus, Cathy moved into the historic U Street neighborhood. She told me that her first addiction at that time was food.

She made food an escape from her many problems, which led to her being terribly obese at a young age.

T: If you could be any age you were in the past, what age would it be? Any age if you could go back in time. C: Thirteen. T: Thirteen? Why? C: Because I had a ball at thirteen. I got Christmas gifts and everything. I remember that. I got some Christmas gifts (she and her sister got bikes for

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Christmas when she was 13). Me and my sister, it was funny because me and my sister, I'll never forget and God rest her soul because I called her a bitch, we was going down a steep hill. And I took and fell off my bike and I cut a hole in my head like this. And that bitch took and put a match up there and said this is a big hole. So every time we laugh about now. T: But you would go back to thirteen? C: Yeah. Because that was the fun part. Me and her had fun all the day. We went to the movies. We got our bicycles. We went and ate. Because you see, at that time my addiction was eating. My mother used to have to lock the refrigerator on me. she would have to put a lock on it because I would eat so much food from my medications back then. And not only that, because I was depressed a lot. I mean I ate like I don't know. I used to eat a pound of bacon and a dozen eggs and a half a loaf of bread. T: In one day? C: For one day? That was my breakfast! T: That was breakfast? C: Yeah. My mom gave me $20 to go see Michael Jackson one day, me and my sister, at the Capital Center when he came. No. She gave us $40. We were supposed to go see Michael Jackson at the Capital Center, me and my sister. I ate my $20. I ate $20. T: You didn't go to the show? C: I didn't go to the show. T: You missed Michael Jackson? C: Yeah. When he came to the Capital Center. You know that was back in the '80s. T: Back at that Billie Jean tour? C: Yeah. That's the time he came. T: And you missed it? C: Yeah. But I know because I was, like I said, I got in an argument, you know, and back then I wasn't taking. They stopped me from taking medication because they gave me too much of it. T: Right. So you went out and got some food? C: Yeah. I was mad and I went off on my mother and we had it out and me and my sister had it out. She never made it to the Michael Jackson show too because she had to stay with me because she was the oldest. T: So she watched you eat? C: Yeah. I ate $20 worth of McDonald’s food. But I'm saying, that was my addiction back then. I mean I was big as a motherfucker. You see, right now, believe it or not, I was 258. A little more than 258. I'm sorry. 267. T: Right. That's what you weighed back then.

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C: No. That's what I weigh now. T: Well, how much did you weigh back then? C: Back then I was 403. But I didn't look 403. I was real big and I had like a thickness. You know. I wasn't, you know. Shit wasn't hanging everywhere. I was just that big but I was moving. I moved fast. I was a chunky kid. I had a big, fatty face and everything. And people tell me, when I tell people how much I weigh now they say uh-huh. But I weigh 257 now. I mean 267.

Cathy’s addiction to eating would be just the beginning of her journey into

dependency, much of it framed within a context for the need of acceptance, love and self

worth. In her early teens when she moved back, she started to get a feel for the energy of

the local business and nightlife, a party-like vibe that is part of the neighborhood identity.

Here in this neighborhood she begins to develop networks of drugs, sex, partying, and

tricking that last her a lifetime, both spatially and emotionally. When she was 16 she

started “experimenting with sex with older men”.

“I [was] starting to try to get into the life (party life). I was hanging, I was right there at 14 th and T Street. That's where I was raised at. And I started hanging at this barber shop with these old guys who was writing numbers (being a bookie for a localized neighborhood lottery game) and shooting craps (dice) and I experienced getting money from them, you know, for letting them touch me and stuff like that, and then I'd have sex with a few of them and got some money and you know, I got more money. You know. Because when I asked my mom for money she wouldn't give me money. You know. I felt she liked my older sister more than she did me (her mother treated her sister better than her, or gave her more attention and money then her). To me it was always like that.”

By the time she was eighteen, Cathy’s relationship with her mother had dissolved and she moved out of her mother’s house. It was then that she really wove her way into the partying, drug use and prostitution.

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T: So when did you leave your mom's house? C: I think I was about, I left there I think I was about eighteen. Because that's the only way you could get into that shelter. You had to be eighteen or older. T: Okay. Why did you leave your mom's house? Was it your decision? C: It was my decision. T: Right. Do you remember where you moved to? The first place you moved to? C: I went to the shelter. T: Straight to the shelter? C: Yeah. I just didn't want to live there (her mother’s house) no more. T: Why not? C: Because I feel I was grown. T: Right. Was it an issue of independence or… C: No. It was just because I was ready. I wanted to stretch my wings. T: And you thought going to the shelter would be a better idea? C: So I could hang out. You know. So I could come out on the street once in a while. T: So when you were 18, what would be your idea of a typical Friday night? C: I don't know. Go to the club Talk of the Town, dance and hang out. T: What was the scene like back then at the clubs? C: Oh, man. They was fun. I used to go to the Den down there where the pimps and hoes was. We used to hang out at Burger 7 right on Boulevard Avenue, 14th and Rhode Island. The 7-11 that's there now; that was a Burger 7. That's where all the pimps and hoes used to hang out, too, because you could eat food.

Soon after moving out to be on her own, Cathy was bartending at various illegal after-hours clubs, speakeasies that dotted the area or nightclubs that ran late, well past legal closing time. This is where she began to seriously experiment with drugs. Within a few years, while working as a waitress at a nude-dancing club on Georgia Avenue, as well one of the illegal after-hours clubs that the local pimps went to after the bars closed, she started her life with drugs. At the age of twenty-three she was free-basing cocaine.

She began trading sex for money - both within the nightclub circles she frequented and in the streets. The drug scene was different in the 1980s, as crack cocaine had not taken

131 hold of the city yet. Free-basing and snorting cocaine was in, and pimps ran most of the sex trade. But working for a pimp wasn’t for Cathy at that time.

T: You weren't working with a pimp? C: No. Not at that time. T: Did you consider yourself, were you tricking back then? C: Yeah, I was. They called me a renegade. T: Why? C: Because if you didn't have a pimp, you was a renegade. That means you was an outlaw. That means you was by yourself. That means that they didn't want you to be on the street getting money and you don't give pimp money. So they always would try to run up on you and talk shit to you and tell you all kinds of dreams or stories or shit. You know. That you could do this, Baby. You could do that. You could give me this and you could get that. And a lot of them pimps comes running up on me to take my friends when I started running after hours. And I wasn't running it. I was working there serving and pouring drinks at that time. And they'd go in there and gamble. They had go-go girls and they would fix food, fried chicken, you know, or fish. You got to eat and could get drinks. And some clubs allowed you to smoke, smoke drugs in there, and some club didn't. But mostly, nobody was smoking. Mostly nobody was free-basing. They would snort. Snort coke [too. That] was the thing at that time. Snorting coke and putting it in your cigarette, that was the time. Crack didn't come in and free-basing and stuff didn't come out until the early eighties.

We must consider the previous network plots in light of Cathy’s life situations and experiences. We must visualize her life as not only as a series of network connections she weaves within today but also her past networks of experiences, relationships, and meanings. Her life is multidimensional in space and in time. The people, places and experiences that comprise a person’s life, the networks of relationships and meaning in which they are a part, are all vital to understanding an individual’s current state of being. Following is a visual representation of this concept. It simply illustrates one way to think of an individual’s present state of being

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Image Three: Networks and Their Histories

PRESENT NETWORKS EGO

Life Experiences & Networks

Family History & Networks

HISTORICAL NETWORKS AND Drug Use History NETWORK & Networks HISTORIES

Friend History & Networks

Abuse History & Networks

Cathy is HIV positive and also infected with Hepatitis C. She has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and manic depression. She has a long history of drug use, and has had an addiction to crack cocaine for many years. Her principal form of income is prostitution, mostly street-based tricks, to fund her habit and other things she needs.

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As depicted in the network plot, Cathy has several social networks within which she regularly moves. I will call these her current or present networks. Her networks are similar to those of the interviewees with whom I have worked, and reflect a pattern for balancing a need for social support with a desire to support a drug addiction, and also the cyclical manner in which the social networks of drug use tend to exist. Her networks can be categorized into four groups: (1) Family, (2) Social Support Groups, (3) Social Sex and (4) Drugs Group, and Drugs and Sex for Money or Drugs Group. The first three of the four categories are similar as they are comprised of ‘people that she considers to be friends,’ and ‘friends with whom she uses drugs with and has sex with (not necessarily sex for drugs).’ The fourth group exists to make money from sex to buy drugs or trade sex for drugs directly.

Within her family network she identified thirteen close relatives and says she has too many cousins to count. She has a daughter and a son, both of whom have one child each. Her mother, son, daughter and grandchildren all live outside the city in the

Maryland suburbs. She does her best to see or talk to them on the phone, but admits she has very little contact with them.

Cathy’s Social Support Group is strongly typical of the women in my research.

Such a group offers an aspect of support that helps women addicted to drugs, trying simply to survive day-to-day while living with addiction. Resources such as food, shelter, clothing and medications are hard to come by when one is homeless on the streets and addicted to drugs. Many women learn about these social support networks from

134 friends who have been in their shoes, or other women in similar situations. This subject will be discussed in greater detail in Chapter Nine.

Cathy’s Social Support Group consists of several outreach programs and outpatient treatment facilities which she visits on a regular basis. These include an outreach program where I volunteered and where we met. The program assists street- based sex workers; Cathy gets condoms and HIV / STD prevention education from them.

Also in her Social Support Group are two mental health clinics where she gets drugs to treat her mental disorders, an HIV clinic where she receives her HIV medications, two clinics designed to help women who are homeless and / or are addicted to drugs. Cathy gets meals during the day and case management there but must attend NA and AA meetings in order to receive services. The shelter where Cathy lives also houses several of her friends. She receives $575 per month for housing and food from city health services, SSI and Medicaid. I will return to the subject of Social Support Networks in

Chapter Nine.

The types of violence that Cathy experiences or witnesses daily would shock most people. Although the violent situations upset her, the consistency and predominance of violence has become normalized, even expected. The everyday violence I have illustrated in previous chapters will be central throughout this text. Cathy described some of the common violence she experiences, not only in the streets but also in places where she seeks social support, such as her homeless shelter.

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T: In a typical day, what kind of violence do you experience in your life? C: Well, I experience a lot of violence. I see it in the shelter. You know. A lot of girls will be fighting each other. A lot, you know, you have a lot of the guards that come over there and have to get girls and restrain them and things like that. T: So you witness a lot of violence in the shelter? C: Yeah. Mm-hmm. And a lot of the arguments. You know. And then I witness a lot of times violence when I come up on 14 th Street going to the [a social support organization] or something like that. You've got always fights in front of McDonald’s and stuff. Then you have a lot of fights in front of, you know. When we out in the street and we want to fight and stuff and you be on drugs and stuff. I was abused one time when I was tricking. A guy pulled a gun out on me and made me take off all my clothes and I ran out with no clothes on up there in Silver Spring. After he tricked he pulled a gun out and made me give the money back and put me out of the car. Well, I jumped out of the car because he was going to kill me. I jumped out of the car. I had no clothes on. In front of a motel up at Silver Springs, the Ramada Inn. It was called the EconoLodge at the time. I haven't experienced nothing lately. But, you know, like I say, one or two times I had to fight a guy. You know. I had a guy smack me. I had a young guy try to take my clothes. You know. I never had nobody actually in a long time try to take me physically from me because I usually do what I'm supposed to do. And then the ones that I have I know they're regulars and they come off quick. T: Have you ever tricked for a pimp? C: Yeah. One time I did. And I got hit with a coat hanger. T: Why did he beat you? C: Because I ran off. I didn't bring him the money. And I started talking shit to him. T: How many girls out there do you see in the street actually deal with pimps, do you think? C: Not any more. There ain't no pimps around no more. They're still around, but they're scarce. You got a lot of young pimps now. You know. I mean, you know, and they dress normal. They don't wear fly hats and all that shit. They dress like thugs. T: Right. But they're still pimps? C: Yes. T: So they have girls working for them? C: Mm-hmm. T: And when you're down at say, the 11th Street area down there -- C: They mostly come out at night down there but they don't come in that area. They mostly be on the K Street side down by 15th and 16th and K. But you see, I wouldn't go down there because I stopped going down that way because it was too much

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violence. You know. Girls was getting beat up, punching them in their stomach, punching them in their eyes, right there on the street. T: Who was punching them? C: The pimps. Punching them and, you know. That trick goes back to when I got hit with the coat hanger. And then that kind of situation I stay out of because that money down there, I'm not going to dress up in no heels and all that to just get that quick money. You know. I'd rather go to the bullshit up there where I can get a $20 or $25 and go straight to the crack man. T: What type of organizations do you think these women who are dealing with the pimps, or any situation where they're experiencing violence, what kind of organizations can they go to (for help)? C: They can go to HIPS. They can go to [another center that specifically helps women who are faced with domestic violence or need help in other areas of their life]. A lot of places that don't help you as far as like HIV and stuff like that - and other places, they would definitely help you with domestic violence. They are really tough on domestic violence because so many youngins just hitting girls already in high school. You know? Where as they get in a boyfriend / girlfriend situation and the young guys want to hit on the girls already. So they are so tough on domestic violence where they're getting serious about it. So there's a lot of different places that will help you. T: Right. Do you see that at all on the street when you're walking around, like the younger high school students? C: Yeah. Mm-hmm. T: Guys are hitting the girls? C: Yeah. T: Do you ever see those girls go for help? C: No. T: No? C: Some of them just, you know. They go for it. Then they get smacked and they snatch them by their hair or, you know, grab them up by the neck or, you know. They try to get away from them and, you know, the nigger might hit them on their back or their side or something like that. T: And you see this? C: Yeah. T: Regularly? Would you consider it a daily thing that you see? C: Yeah.

When talking about seeing younger women, high school age girls, being hit by their boyfriends, Cathy mentioned how she will try to talk to them about it:

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C: And they think that's a good relationship. And a few of them I've talked to and told them that's not a good relationship, Honey. You need to stop that right now, because if you don't stop it, it's something that will be going on all your life. And some of them, they get immune to it and it's like they have to have a man to beat on them. Because if they're used to that happening to them so many times, eventually that's what they like. And then sometime they get sexually aroused, too, which is a sick play but it's the truth. T: Have any of them ever asked you “Where can I go for help?” or anything like that? C: Yeah. I had a girl that was in the shelter. She's gone. I don't know. She was working for Metro and she came to the shelter. Her boyfriend wanted her to have sex with his best friend and she told him no and her boyfriend beat her up. So I took her to a place where she could get help so she could get back home to Alabama. She was not from here. But she was working for Metro. She only had been working for Metro for a couple of months. I took her up to Merriam's Kitchen up on 24th and Virginia Avenue. And helped her get a ticket so she could get back home. But I didn't take her to a place for domestic violence because she wasn't really beat up like that. But she was beat up, you know. You couldn't see no scars or nothing there because she had her stuff covered. But I helped her and took her up there and she told me she was going to send me some money. I told her if you do, you do. If you don't, you don't. It wasn't about that. You know? It wasn't about that. A lot of things I do. People will be telling me well, I'm going to be looking out for you. And you know, at one time it used to be my gang, but it's not like that now. You know. I try to help people from the heart. You know. If I do something for you, I'm not looking for something all the time. But, you know.

T: Right. How about the girls that you use drugs with and you know are tricking, do they ever, you know, in their lives experience violence now and then? Do they ever ask you for help or where to go for advice? Or if you know where… C: Yeah. They've asked me where to go to get condoms or get help or, you know. Where can I go to be safe. Yeah. I've had a few ask me that. T: And where do you tell them to go? C: I tell them to go to HIPS. Or I tell them to go to Howard University. Because Howard University is a -- you know. They'll help you with rape crises and things like that. And HIPS is one of them. So I'd send them up there and then they'll get them to a safe house or get them to a motel or something like that and give them an anonymous name and stuff like that. You know. T: How many women do you think you might have known that had to do that? C: Well, one girl when I was home downtown I took a girl. She was young and

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her name was Sherry. I took her up to… not to HIPS, but I took her up to Howard University and helped her out to get away from her pimp because he was beating her. You know? And then I helped this other girl one time. I don't even know her name. I just, you know. I just got tired of her pimp beating her and she got tired of it and I took her, took her over -- that was the first time I went to HIPS myself. I took her up to HIPS. I just looked at the place - because they was giving out condoms - and I just, you know, took her up there and she talked to them and they helped her get away from him and everything. Gave her a hotel and everything.

When discussing her various networks, Cathy described several people whom she would consider friends and / or drug using friends and/or sex partners. These people may be viewed as immediate network relations or core network members.

Then she went on to describe a much larger network of people, those to whom she goes to gain either drugs for sex directly, or cash for sex to buy drugs. Her Social Sex and Drugs Group is located primarily in the Shaw neighborhood but also leads into

Columbia Heights and Midtown, where she frequents two different crack houses. In these settings she has over a dozen friends with whom she uses crack cocaine. She also has a long-time boyfriend with whom she spends time at one of these crack houses. There they use drugs and have sex. She never uses a condom with him. When in the mood, she will also try to pick up tricks (prostitute) on one of the main streets in this area.

Cathy makes money tricking 1 on the street with an average of about 30 different men a week, making about $500 to $600 in total. Most tricks request either oral or vaginal sex. She uses condoms about 25% of the time with them. She also trades sex for crack at a crack house in the Shaw area, where she reports having sex about 150 times a week with many men, using condoms about 30-40% of the time.

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Many of the women with whom I have conducted research reported having the power to demand condom use from cash-paying sex partners, especially if they are

Caucasian, indicating an ethnic power dynamic. Apparently, white clients are more apt than black clients to use condoms when asked.

Some of the reasoning behind this was briefly discussed in Chapter Two, but it is a subject that deserves further attention. During my conversations with Cathy about the types of sex customers she has, there was a distinction made between those with whom she traded sex for drugs and those who paid her for sex. The two categories are important to distinguish between because they carry different meanings, relationships, and expectations.

T: Now, let's talk about your tricks. Are they just for drugs or just drugs tricks or? C: No. Some of them are tricks and some of them are drug tricks. T: So you have two kinds. C: Right. T: And you've got the kind you use drugs with -- C: Mm-hmm. T: …and some are just cash. C: Right. T: In those two categories, how would you describe the ones you use drugs with? C: The ones I use drugs with? I try to tell them to use, do the sex first before I do the drugs because if I do the drugs I'm not going to want to do sex. You know. Because I don't take a small hit. I take a big hit. And it goes straight to my brain and my brain, and I get discombobulated and I geek and I put it on the floor and I'm not ready to do nothing. So I try to give them a heads up and be straight up with them first so it won't be a complication. Because if you give me money and you expect me to do something, you got to go ahead and do it first. Because if you expect me to do it [sex] after I do it [smoke crack] I've got to come all the way down [calm down from the immediate rush of the crack]. And if I come all the

140 way down I want another hit. I'll do it a little bit but I'm going to want another hit. And the circle starts all over again. T: How would you describe the money tricks? C: The money tricks would be good. Because I have one, I have one this older guy, he's a professor at college. His name is Robert. T: And he doesn't used drugs at all? C: He doesn't use drugs at all. He drinks. T: White guy? Black guy? C: White guy. And he comes down like twice a week and he spends about $120 for a blowjob. Sometimes he might give me $140. You know. For like fifteen, twenty minutes. T: That's a pretty big rate. C: You're right. T: I mean even on the street that's a pretty big rate. C: Yeah. I know that. I'm saying when we first started I was only getting $50 from him. T: Right, right. But he's a regular now? C: Yeah. He's a regular guy. And then see we started going to a regular motel because at first we were just doing it in his truck. Then we started going to the motel, so the motel charged so I started charging [more]. And we agreed to it. So I tried to encourage him to go to the motel instead of doing it in the truck so that he won't lose everything because even though, you know, I trick and I smoke, I try to be considerate of the other person too. Because I know that they have a lot to lose and I have a lot to lose by going to jail. T: Right. C: And they don't see you. You know. Then they have to go to another girl. They might just keep the money and go and do nothing. T: Right, right, right. And it's, of course, you know, it's probably good to keep them coming back by not getting them arrested. C: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true. And it's more risky if you do it in your truck now because sometimes, you know, you park in an alley, or you park anywhere, it's not like it used to be where people don't walk up and down the street. You've got people walking up and down the street, people walking through the alley and everything now. T: 5-O [police] coming through. C: Yeah. And you have regular people coming through and they'll call the police on you pretty quick.

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Image Four: Spheres of Violence

SPHERES OF VIOLENCE

DRUGS

Domestic Violence Police

A1: Trick Violence Pimp Violence CATHY

Street Violence Shelter Violence

HIV

The above diagram may be superimposed upon the upper level of the previous diagram, within Cathy’s current networks. Each of the levels below the shaded top sphere in the previous diagram (Present Networks) also include various interconnected

“Spheres of Violence” which are built upon the past, and inform the present and future.

The “spheres” in the above diagram are just a few of the more obvious examples discussed earlier. There are many more types of violence that Cathy has to deal with

142 daily, such as sexual harassment on the street by older men and young teens, the social stigma and shame that often accompanies her lifestyle, her inner depression and self damaging thoughts, and the structural violence imposed upon her by historical, political, social and economic forces.

The complexity of representing these types of violence and their interconnectivity present an issue in ethnographic representation: the fluidity and nature of the relationships are interdependent and are compounded in this example by the need for drugs to feed an addiction, and the actions needed to economically or socially support this need, all of which are predominantly controlled by men. Just as the previous diagram (Image Four) has been described as multi-dimensional and complex, so too is this one.

It is evident from my conversations with Cathy that information flowing within and between networks can sometimes be vital, as evidenced by her telling other women how to seek assistance for a wide variety of challenges. Cathy herself turns to her Social

Support Networks, like the HIPS outreach program.

HIPS has an interesting information source that they use called a “Bad Date

Card”. This is a card filled out by a sex worker to report a “bad date” with a customer.

She may have been ripped off, hit, beaten, raped, or the victim of any number of horrible circumstances common in this dangerous line of work. The cards include a description of the “date”, his vehicle, and what happened. The cards are collected weekly and used to generate a Bad Date Report listing the information. The reports are then distributed from

143 the outreach van and in HIPS offices to educate other sex workers. I will discuss Bad

Date Reports and other tools that HIPS utilizes in their outreach program in more detail in Chapter Nine.

While talking to Cathy about the Bad Date Cards, conversation lead to another area of discussion that sheds light on network locality, and why she prefers to stay in the neighborhoods that she does - retaining her network ties and specialist knowledge of the area.

T: Do you ever see the Bad Date Cards? C: Yeah. The bad sheets. I don't take them though. T: You don't? C: I just -- you know. Through the grace of God. I know God looks out for fools and babies, but I don't look at that sheet and I just follow my instincts. And if I follow my first instincts it's always the best one. If I second-guess, if I go second, that's when I get in trouble. Every time. T: How about the girls who are tricking for cash on 11 th Street or even up on Florida Avenue, do you see them taking the bad date cards? C: No. Very few. Very few. T: So they don't really use that information? C: No. Because a lot of us have been out there so long so we follow our first judgment. You know? T: Because I know they get those reports from girls (sex workers). C: Right. T: So have you ever known for a girl to give a bad date report to HIPS? C: No. And most of them probably come from the Southeast and stuff like that, so. You don't hear too many in Northwest. Mostly you hear the Southeast, Southwest. You know. Most of them on that bad date sheet probably would be southeast and southwest and northeast. You find a lot of transgenders out on Bennet -- not Bennet Road, Bretton Wood, and you find a lot of them in Maryland now, too. T: Do you think there are just more bad dates happening to them, or in different areas or -- C: Probably more bad dates happening to them because they're probably doing something they ain't got no business or they just picking up anybody. They might be just that gone where they pick up anybody.

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T: Do you think that where you trick, be it Florida Avenue down 11 th Street, is a safer area to trick, and does not come with its own risks? C: Everything comes with its own risks. Even in that area. T: Well, why don't you trick down in Southeast, then? C: I really never went to Southeast. I never really tricked in Southeast. T: So it was just because this was more convenient, this is where you're from? C: No. I just like Northwest. Always action. T: Well, you grew in that area, too. right? C: Yeah. But it's always been, it's always been a lifestyle to me and Northwest has always got something going on. So that's why I stay in Northwest. It's like the nightlife just comes. You know. When they say the street life, it's like the street life, all the lights and cameras and everything come out at Northwest so that's why I always stay at Northwest. T: So it's more of a party atmosphere -- C: Yeah. T: …You're looking for? C: Mm-hmm. T: So how does that differ, say, than someone using crack and tricking down in, say, Anacostia? C: I don't know because I think Anacostia is a dead area. It's a dead zone. There's nothing out there but woods and shit. T: Right. Well, you have the Projects, too. C: Yeah. T: And so how would you compare your type of lifestyle of crack use and tricking up here, how would you compare it to, say, a girl down in one of those projects? C: Because the simple fact is you know your surroundings. They must know their surroundings over there. Over here I know my surroundings. Over there it would be out of my territory. I could do it but I would have to make up my mind what would be the safety zone overnight. T: You don't really have a group of friends down there or something like that. C: No. Mm-mm.

Cathy makes several geographic references in the above dialogue section that point to her Risk Network Activity areas. She stays within the Northwest quadrant of

Washington, D.C. as she knows that area well and has friends and drug using partners there; it’s the area she knows best for sex work. Cathy also believes that other areas of

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D.C. tend to be too violent or simply too boring (“nothing but woods”) for her to want to

go there. She prefers territory familiar to her and enjoys the street energy offered in the

14 th and U Street corridors where she grew up, as opposed to different and possibly more lucrative sex work in unfamiliar areas with which she has no real social connection. Our conversation continued:

T: And you don't have a bunch of restaurants and that sort of thing [in Northwest]. C: Right. Mm-hmm. And I'm over here. In other words, I don't go in no alleys or nothing like that to parked niggers on the streets. Streets that they would never even think of. You know. I might park right there in front of your house. But, it's a certain way that I'm going to do it. You know. T: And so why wouldn't you go to the back alleys? C: I don't fuck with alleys. This right here (pointing to a large knife wound on her face) taught me don't go into allies. T: Because you got cut? C: Mm-hmm. T: Who cut you? C: A trick. Well, a nigger that robbed me and the trick because I wouldn't give up my money. T: So he slashed you? Was it a knife? C: I don't know. T: You didn't see it? C: Uh-uh. I just know I had my $250. I was beaten like a motherfucker but I had my $250. T: So you still had the cash? C: I didn't give up nothing. T: So you ran off. C: Yeah. T: Was that the only time you've ever been attacked? C: But he's arrested now. He's in jail. They caught up with him. T: Did you report it? C: Yeah. I reported it and he came back down on the scene and didn't know it was me. And the police was there and I got -- T: And you were still bleeding? C: No. No, my head had already healed up and everything. But he came back

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down to the scene trying to get another girl. You know. Trying to watch another trick and a girl go in the alley. But you see, this was out of my territory. This wasn't down at 11th and Florida. This was on like Georgia Avenue where [her boyfriend] is at. And the guy came with the Metro. As a matter of fact, where the Metro's at. It's a little side street down there and there was an alley and I went up there tricking one time with somebody before. Then I went there one night tricking with this guy up there and the guy, this guy came from nowhere and told us to give up our money. I said I'm not giving you a motherfucking thing. I put my shit down here and the trick told him that I had money on me and he tried to grab me, you know, and fight me for my money, and I took my money out while I'm fighting him. I had took my money out of my private area and had it in my hand, so he tried to cut my hand but I still had my money. T: How long ago was this? C: This? (pointing to her scar) I was in my early 20’s. Early 20’s going into the late 20’s. I think I was about…when this happened I was 26. T: But you haven't gone, to back allrys ever since then? C: No. I mean I went in alleys, but I stay close to the front. I always say to the trick I never go all the way in no alley. You know. I'll do it like, okay, say if you here and I'm here, I'm going to bend my ass over it and I'll be watching this way and behind me and everything and I can sense if something is wrong. And if I feel and I don't feel like it, I'm going to give you mouth and then you better take me the hell out. You know. I don't have no problem with getting me a little bit of sun. T: Do you hear about other girls that will go down alleys and get hurt? C: Yeah. I've seen other girls do it. As a matter of fact, I saved a couple of girls. A girl named Martina. I forgot to put her on there (her network diagram). She doesn't do it no more but I saved her when we used to be on V Street right there where the school there between 13th and 14th on V. She went in the alley and another guy came in and he tried to rape her. You know. Both of them tried to rape her. And I came out the house… I was smoking crack…and I told him, I said get off her. Get off her. We ran out the house. We had bats and everything. They was gone. They had pulled her clothes off and stuff like that. They didn't actually get to rape her. It was attempted rape. T: Right. Did you hear about those sort of things all the time happening, or now and then? C: Not now. Now and then. Because it scary. There's not many girls out like there used to be no more. A lot of girls stopped. A lot of girls, they got locked up. A lot of girls don't have to trick. They mostly have cell phones now and have their tricks call them. And things like that. Then you don't, we don't try to pick up new tricks. We try to deal with the old tricks. T: Stick with the regular tricks?

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C: Yeah. T: Now, over the years have you seen a change in like, you know, the tricking occupation violence? You know. Like, you know, since you got cut until to now, today? C: Yeah, mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. T: And has it gone up or down? C: It's gone down. T: And why do you think that is? C: Because, like I said, a lot of girls using cell phones and you're sticking with the regulars and you're not picking up new tricks. T: Right. So they can communicate easier with the older… C: Yeah. And then a lot of times if you smoke with a guy and you know what his M.O. (Modus Operandi) is you're not going to fuck with him. If you know that he's a crazy motherfucker or a motherfucker that's going to pull out a knife or ram something and shit like that when he's smoking and when, you know, he gets down that shit, you know not to fuck with him so that's another thing that helps you, too. And then you've got to be aware of your surroundings. T: So you have to know, you have to know their reactions and what their geeks are like basically? C: Yeah. T: Right. C: And in certain spots it's getting harder now. T: Why? C: Because it's getting harder to do it outside, so you got to go to the motel or you got to go to their house. T: Why is it harder? C: Because you got the police. And then you got all them places that you used to go trick outside in certain spots, they're getting houses being built up. You know. Or you got surveillance. T: Right. Well, the neighborhood that you grew up in has changed dramatically in the last twenty years. C: Right, right. T: I mean it was all black. C: Right. Yup. T: Now it's black, white, Latino and everybody. C: Yup. Mm-hmm. T: So you think that because there's gentrification happening, you know, and the white people moving in with money, is that why it's a bit more difficult for you? Does that make it more difficult to trick? C: Yeah. It is. Because it's getting harder and harder to pick up a trick. I mean you can pick up a trick, but it's harder and harder to get more money out of them

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like you used to. T: So where are they going? Where are the tricks going? Or where are the people who used to be there? You know. C: A lot of them moved to Southeast. Some of them might move to Northeast. Some of them might have just stopped. Some of them might have got other occupations. You find a lot of them get jobs now. A lot of them if they don't get jobs they'll start selling drugs. Or they'll start, you know, peddling. You know, he'll take a person to the drug dealer and they get their piece off the top, instead of going through all the bullshit.

Cathy makes an interesting point in this conversation about use of cell phones for making “dates” and how that may have led to a reduction in violence for sex workers.

Because of cell phone use, as well as police arresting and jailing sex workers, she has noticed a drop in street-based sex work. In the above section of dialogue, Cathy also describes how knowledge of how someone acts directly after smoking crack (referred to as “geeking” - a colloquialism) is important. She makes reference to how a person might be a “crazy motherfucker” and that you better know his “M.O.” (Modus Operandi) or risk being hurt if he becomes violent.

Her final statement is significant, as it points to the effects of rapid gentrification occurring in the areas of Northwest, D.C. which were discussed in Chapter Four.

Changes such as fewer available potential customers for sex work point to rapid change in social and economic capital that gentrification has brought into the area. Increases in capital have a direct relationship with increased police presence and arrests for prostitution and solicitation: what was once a sort of open-air sex market along the 12 th and 14 th Street areas in the 1980’s and early 90’s has been drastically reduced by heavy police patrolling and prostitution-related arrests. Cathy has had to negotiate these

149 changes and adapt her drug use and sex work behaviors, while still remaining within her desired geographic area. While Cathy has adjusted well, she notes that others have turned to selling drugs, assisting drug dealers or jobs unrelated to sex work or drugs.

Beyond the dangers of drug use and sex with strangers in strange and sometimes dangerous locations, there is the issue of HIV prevention and use of condoms as a means of limiting risk of HIV infection or spread. Cathy, who is HIV positive, was surprisingly candid with me in discussing her use of condoms. Many of the interviewed women felt they had to give me the “company line” when discussing their use of condoms so that I might have a better opinion of them, as they are often the subjects of harsh judgment by others in this regard. The lengthy transcript below is from a discussion we had about

Cathy’s current sex worker activity:

T: How many different guys do you use drugs with and trick with in a week? C: About 100, 150, maybe more. T: Just from drugs? Just from drugs, not cash? C: Just from drugs. T: So 150 plus? C: Yeah. T: And out of the 150, what percentage did you act safe with? Use condoms with? C: About 60. T: About 60 percent? C: Mm-hmm, 70 percent. T: And when I say, when we say sex here, what kind of sex are we talking about? C: Oral sex. Not anal. Very rarely I do anal. T: But vaginal sex? C: Oral sex and vaginal sex. Yeah. T: And so 60 or 70 percent of the time you're not using condoms. Right? C: Mm-hmm. T: And is that with oral?

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C: Yeah. T: Or is that with vaginal sex? C: No. With oral and vaginal. T: Okay. So you are pretty risky. C: Yeah. But now I'm trying not to be because I made the goal with HIPS because I had a meeting this, you know. I made it with them that I'm not going to try to be risky. I set that as my goal. T: Right. C: To try and not be so risky and try to cut down on my drug use just a little. T: So when you're not using condoms, or when you are using condoms, is it just the guys request you're going with or is it what you want? C: No. Yeah, uh-huh. Just sometimes I be wanting to get it over with quick. But most of the time I encourage them to use it and then if they're taking too long I take it off myself and do it. And then sometime it's their request. Majority of time it's their request. T: Okay, so you have about 150 regular tricks you use drugs with in a week? C: Right. T: Now how about for cash? How many tricks can you get for cash in a week? C: Because it's been so slow and everything maybe twenty or thirty. Maybe more. T: In a week? C: Maybe more. Maybe more. T: So around thirty? C: Yeah. About thirty or forty. T: In a week? C: Yeah. T: Okay. And out of those what percentage do you use condoms with? C: About 25. I know that. T: 25 percent? C: Yeah. T: So it's actually a little less, sex with the cash? C: Yeah. Yeah. T: Because about 30 or 40 percent are using condoms with drugs but only 25 percent are using with cash? C: Mm-hmm. T: It's interesting actually. C: Yeah. Because you find more guys that want to just get the feeling and they know they're not going to get off. (The men cannot have an orgasm while high on crack). T: For the money? C: No. With the drugs.

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T: I mean not with the drugs. I'm saying but the guys with the money though. C: Yeah. They know they don't get off. T: Right. So what's their motivation for not using condoms? C: Well, sometimes I makes them not use condoms. You know. For quickies. Because especially if I've been out there a long time and I got one guy and drugs ain't no good and I want to hurry up and get me another hit so I can try and get my rush on. You know, I be trying to tell him not to use a condom. Or if I start with a condom and they're taking a long time I say you take it off and pull it out. You know. Or else I'll spit it out with him. T: And for the guys with the cash though who are paying cash who aren't using drugs, what do you think their motivation is for not using condoms? C: Some of them just want to feel good. Yeah. But you find more guys, you know, now they're carrying their own condoms. T: Right. So I mean are they using them with you? C: Yes. T: You're saying here that only 25 percent of the ones that pay cash are actually using condoms. C: Yup. T: So when you're with these guys who are paying cash are most of them bringing their own condoms or do you supply them? C: No. I supply them. I got a few that brings theirs but most times I supply them. I make it my business to go buy one if they don't have it. You know, for them not to leave me. Because if I don't have a condom they'll get mad and say I don't want to do it. You try to get them to drive to the gas station and the gas station is right around the corner but they don't want to go. So I have to be prepared or else I have to beg a girl and hope that she got one, you know, so I can do the shit quick. T: How about the HIPS van? Do you ever get a condom with them? C: Yeah. I get the HIPS van (the outreach van) but they don't come out until late. So you can call them and get somebody to come out, but by then you lost the trick. So I try to always keep at least a couple. You know. I always try to keep some lubrication, too, because you know, believe it or not, the way that they try to put the condom, they try to put them on themself but I don't try to let them put it on. I try to put them on myself. And you have to make sure that you check them real good because if you don't check them real good, the way that they pull them back, they can bust. So they ain't doing it up against skin to skin anyways. And a lot of them, that's what they know. They know they can go skin to skin. T: Right. Now the guys who you're tricking with using drugs, where are they getting their condoms? C: From me.

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T: From you. You supply all the time? C: Yeah. T: All the time. Because you're hanging out at the [crack] house down there. Right? C: Right. Yeah. And then sometimes the guy that runs the crack house has condoms. T: And [does he] sell them? Does he sell them to you or does he give them to you? C: Sometimes he'll sell them to you but a lot of times he'll give it to you. T: And do you have to give him, the house man, do you have to have sex with him or give him crack? C: No, no, no. T: He just lets you hang out? C: Yeah. Because he's making money all the way around. T: Because the guys are coming to see you. Right? C: Mm-hmm. And the guys are buying crack from him. He's dealing crack. He's dealing the stems (glass tube that crack is smoked out of) and all of that. T: So it’s a one-stop operation. C: Yeah. And you don't have to go nowhere. You can constantly spend your money right there. T: Right, right. Well, you know, in some houses you've got to come with your own crack. C: Yeah, no. You've got to deal with him. I mean you can slip some in there but shit. T: But generally you have to buy everything. C: Yeah. T: You can't just come with your own stuff and just give him some? C: Yeah. I mean you can give him some if you got it already. You know. He might go for it. But the majority of times he don't want shit in there because if you start bringing it in there the police are going to start coming in. T: That's true, too. C: Because he's been in business fifty years.

I asked her how she felt or what she was thinking about when trading sex for crack in this crack house. Overall, she replied that she didn’t think about anything regarding the physical act of sex. Sometimes she would get “horny” while smoking crack. This is an interesting phenomenon that many women addicted to crack discuss. It

153 is not necessarily the desire for sex that turns them on sexually but rather the need for more crack, which is obtained by having more sex with men in the crack house. The end result is having sex to smoke more crack, which them feel good. It is not that smoking crack makes sex feel good; quite the opposite is true for many. More important is the feeling of nothingness, thinking of nothing at all, while going through the motions of sex.

Below is a portion of that conversation:

T: And when you were tricking, how did you feel? Like describe the situation when you were having sex with somebody. C: I just did it. T: Well, what were you thinking of? C: Nothing. T: Nothing? C: Nothing. Just let them do it and get on. I had no feelings in my body. T: What do you mean? C: I mean, I didn't feel for him. I just did what I had to do and that was it. It was like my job. And that's all it's ever been to me, my job. And I didn't have no affections for nobody. Only one did I have affections for. That was (her boyfriend). T: Interesting. How about when you were in a crack house and having sex? Because then you were smoking. C: Sometimes you're horny, because I wanted it to be in my private area. But as far as having sex? No. T: I guess I'm trying to find what you were thinking about? C: Nothing. I don't think about shit. I only think about giving him a fuck and getting a hit. Straight and to the point…at first it was just a job, then later on it became a challenge. Even though it was a job; it was a challenge.

This section of the interview must be addressed linguistically. There is a meta- language of sorts happening between us based on our common knowledge of the subject.

Therefore, will translate: Cathy is saying is that in a crack house she would simply have sex to get a rock or crack to smoke. Sex would typically take place in a bathroom or

154 spare room within a crack house. She would simply go into the bathroom with a guy and allow him to have vaginal sex with her. When this is occurring, she is not thinking about nothing but the sex finishing and the guy smoking some of his crack with her. Her mind is focused on the crack. “I only think about giving him a fuck and getting a hit (of crack).” When Cathy says, “Sometimes you're horny, because I wanted it to be in my private area” she is referring to the effect the drug has on her body: crack = sex = crack.

This is a biological feedback loop between the need for crack and the act of sex, tied to the physical expression of this need in action. Here is where things get very dangerous with regard to preventing the spread of HIV. Here is where HIV intervention fails. Here is where the body is left at risk.

In some cases the “nothingness” (my term, not Cathy’s) is the result of catastrophic experiences, such as childhood sexual abuse, interconnecting with a biochemical need (for crack cocaine) countering the logic of informed action or agency and leaving the Self at risk for disease. In some cases the very act of sex is so mechanical and the thinking of “nothing” is so real, that the forethought of something like condom use is simply not in the person’s frame of thought, leaving him or her at risk of infection.

Facts like this lead me to question whether Cathy actually knows how often condoms are used while tricking in a crack house. Perhaps knowing if condoms are used while tricking on the street is easier to remember and comprehend; the amount of crack being smoked and the sense of immediacy is not as intense as when in a crack house.

The number of condoms in one’s purse or pocket, and those borrowed by others, are

155 probably easier to track. Perhaps in the street situation, HIV prevention efforts are put into action more frequently because a woman’s senses are more in tune with her environment due to the dangerous nature of street-based tricking. These questions are difficult to answer. The data must be overly reliant on self-report data collected by HIV prevention staff researchers. Although self-report data offers vital knowledge, what happens when the Self is compromised?

This chapter has illustrates how the individual, the “ego” of a network, its meanings, and actions, are of vital importance to our understanding of the larger scope of the subject: the impact of violence in women’s lives as it relates to the spread of HIV. If

Cathy’s networks are part of a larger habitus, her reality, her Self, then they are historically informed within a wider context of networks and meaning that interplay and inform her current state of reality in the present. This probably has devastating consequences for her future and that of others, since she is Hepatitis C and is HIV positive. I believe that the categories of violence laid out by Bourgois in Chapter Two can be observed within the daily lives of these women in more direct ways.

For instance, I believe the structural, symbolic, everyday forms of violence can be found within the family spheres of a person’s network relations. Families have structures, sometimes shifting or dramatically altering instantly or over time, but structured nevertheless. Domestic and family violence is an ever-present issue in our society. These structures are informed historically, as behaviors are learned and passed down from generation to generation.

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Families are also subject to a variety of other national and local historical, social,

political and economic conditions, exemplified by social constraints like institutionalized

racism and under-resourced education and social resources like medicine, stable

economic existence and social justice. All of these have been historically situated and

deeply propagated into the present. Political dimensions of violence are apparent within

Cathy’s life as well, mostly in the form of inequality of health care and disease

prevention. These aspects will be further addressed in Chapter Nine.

Symbolically issues of love, respect, safety, comfort, and myriad other feelings

and expectations are represented within families. Because of violence, however, the

symbols representative of what we believe to be things of value to the idea of family are

commonly turned on their heads. The father / protector / provider becomes the

antagonist, while the mother / supporter / nurturer turns an apathetic blind eye to the

damages inflicted upon her children. The signs signifying the symbols of love are

broken, perhaps replaced with other social meanings or the obscured by drugs.

The everyday violence found within families is easily illustrated through

situations described by Cathy. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse, neglect, mis-or

non-diagnosis and improper treatment of clinical issues and lack of basic resources can

all be viewed as forms of violence in the everyday. They may carry with them meanings

and structures that result in repeated instances of violence later in life. Some of this

violence is not imposed upon the self by others, but manifests as violence upon the Self, perpetrated by the Self. This includes the Self placing itself at risk through risky sexual

157 and drug use behaviors, damaging the body and mind through massive mis-use of drugs, and / or putting oneself at risk in other ways.

In other words, the Self can be its own worst enemy. However, removing one’s

Self from a present painful reality, to disconnect, is a trick of the Self to shelter in a precarious form of mental protection, similar to a dream, removed from the present. For women like Cathy, it might mean a good night, a whole day, week or month of drinking.

It might mean crack and geeking out within an impossible-to-imagine time frame. But it is still an escape. And from what? The obvious may become cyclical and the patterns of escape become life threatening to the Self and others, especially with regard to a desperate need for crack and resulting low levels of condom use resulting in the spread of

HIV.

A consequence is that African American women in Washington, D.C. are amongst the highest at-risk groups for HIV in the United States. I have outlined the causes and results. Men in the lives of these women, including at times their grandfathers, fathers, uncles, brothers, cousins, extended family and friends, lovers, boyfriends, husbands and pimps, have had a heavy hand in socially engineering their lives. Men have defined them and placed them at extreme risk of HIV infection via such activities as unprotected sex, drug use, and controlling their bodies sexually through either brute force or coercion with drugs.

Chapter Six will look at the lives of the three other women that participated in this research. Their stories, when juxtaposed with situations observed in Cathy’s life

158 connected to issues of sexual abuse, violence, HIV, network attributes and histories, will shed more light on how various forms of violence can influence the spread of HIV.

Notes for Chapter Five

1 Tricking: Sex work, prostitution, trading sex for money or drugs. This can be done on the street, in a car, back alley, house, apartment, hotel, crack house or any convenient location.

Chapter Six

Emergence: Histories, Networks, Violence and the Self

Chapter Five examined one woman’s personal history, the violence, abuse and terrible trials she endured as a child and in her adult life. We learned of her behaviors within “risk” networks: drug-using friends and acquaintances, and sex partners including lovers and sex-for-money-or-drug partners. Cathy suffered structural and social network domination, in the form of childhood sexual abuse and other forms of abuse at the hands of immediate family and extended family members, friends, pimps and predators within family, drug using and sex working networks. The combined dominance and destruction asserted by drugs, men and physical / mental disorders have left her limited in personal agency and indifferent about the outcomes of certain of her actions.

Chapter Five’s case study describes one researched woman’s story, Cathy, illustrating how the most salient issues of this research have affected her life. This chapter will utilize several ethnographic representational styles to address the theoretical issues addressed in Chapters Two and Three; namely: the dialectical relationship between networks, histories, violence and the Self. I will draw upon the women’s personal stories as well as information gathered from the interviews discussed in Chapter

Four to connect the experiences in the women’s lives to the four major categories of violence outlined in Chapter Two: Political, Structural, Symbolic and the Everyday violence.

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Image Five: The Dialectical Relationship Between Networks, Histories, Violence and the Self

CURRENT NETWORKS AND RELATIONS

Political Violence

Structural Every Day Violence EGO Violence

Symbolic Violence

1 3 2

THE SELF

PERSONAL AND NETWORK

RELATIONS AND HISTORIES

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Much like the ethnographic representational exercise discussed in Chapter Five, this chapter will illustrate how a deep network analysis illuminates the habitus of terror in which these women negotiate survival, and how the effects of the violence they experience expresses itself within the day-to-day struggles that they face. The diagram offered above illustrates two central guideposts of the theoretical perspectives I have discussed in previous chapters. These guideposts are categories of types of violence, and the effects of violence upon the Self, which are utilized to primarily address issues related to HIV, but also other. My analysis also addresses the impact of personal social networks, as well as broader network forms such as those found within the drug using or sex worker populations that the women are a part of, as well as other networks like medical and government agencies - which can include hospitals, health care, law enforcement, etc.

I will define this diagram as consisting of three primary frames or fields of existence. The first field is the present-life social network frame, where I began my inquiry with each woman 1. The present-life social network frame illustrates the four basic categories of violence discussed in Chapter Three. I say “basic” because, as this chapter will illustrate, there are many gray and overlapping areas between the categories of violence described.

Ego represents one of the women of the study. The second field is the shaded frame at the bottom of the diagram, which represents a starting point in the woman’s life and includes her personal networks from that starting point 2. The third frame is the

162 central area referred to throughout this analysis as the Self. The arrows in this frame

(penetrating the first and second, or top and bottom fields) represent time, moving from past to present. The arrows also represent the dialectical nature of time, as the past influences the present state of being. It is through the third field or frame that we see how the first and second frames connect. These frames operate within a complex system, as shown in my illustration of the “Ethnoweb” in Chapter Two. There are multitudes of networks and meanings that are constantly being formed, changed, and reinterpreted within the three frames. The purpose of this chapter is to discuss in detail these complexities.

There are several forms of violence discussed in Chapter Five that are not clearly represented within the four categories discussed by Bourgois in Chapter Two. These include: interpersonal violence (violence between two or more people that is not represented by what may be considered everyday violence) and some forms of abuse

(sexual, physical, emotional and neglect). These two aspects of violence do not necessarily fall within one or more of the four categories presented. For instance, getting into a physical altercation with another person may be a form of violence that can fall within the category of everyday violence, and at the same time also have qualities of symbolic forms of violence associated with it.

Within the second frame we find the Self - its creation, changes, meanings and actions over time. This concept is of central importance in my overall discussion throughout this analysis. The concept of the Self here refers to all aspects of people’s

163 lives, including their pain, illness, risks, and continued struggles. The analysis of violence, therefore, emerges from their own life situations and wherever possible, from their own words. Through their collective voices a habitus of terror is illustrated more robustly.

In Cathy’s case study presented in Chapter Five, I followed her life story and later addressed how her life situations related to the various categories of violence, as well as the effects of that violence upon the Self. The present chapter presents life stories from other women with whom I conducted research, and illustrates the dynamic relationship between violence and the Self.

The organization of this chapter draws on life history and other interviews 3.

Conversations have been replaced with meta-narratives. I will elaborate upon certain aspects of the lives of three researched women in this chapter, utilizing a mix of ethnographic representational styles to accomplish that.

The first case study, Tracey, will be presented in a similar vein to Cathy’s case in

Chapter Five. The second case study, Karen, represents a person who engages in sex work on occasion, who has admittedly been the perpetrator of violence in other people’s lives. The third case study, Nancy, will focus upon features of depression she has experienced associated with childhood sexual abuse that she suffered - as well as other forms of abuse in adult life – and this depression’s overall effect on her life.

These three case studies, and this chapter in its entirety, will lead to a more detailed meta-monologue representing one researched woman’s life, Michelle, to be

164 presented in Chapter Seven. The three case studies presented in this chapter will first be presented via their network plot diagrams, or sociograms, that list the major social fields currently represented in the women’s lives.

Network Plot: Tracey FAMILY

Most Family in Southeast D.C. Mom and Dad Divorced Younger Brother and Sister Grandmother Fifteen Aunts Ten Uncles One Hundred and Fifty Cousins Thirty-Seven Grandchildren from Grandmother Sees family at Church on Sundays Several times a month DRUGS AND SEX Uses Crack with one Aunt in SE D.C. Has one cousin who uses crack in NE Tricks for Money D.C., but not with her SOCIAL GROUP And Crack near Shelter Mostly in DRUGS-SEX Adult Movie Store Video Booths BOYFRIEND uses with 15 tricks / day @ Tracey near shelter. He $25 each SOCIAL SUPPORT lives there as well, and

GROUPS also has a job Tricks for Money IDA (WELFARE) And Crack in SE TWO TRICKING AND $270 / MONTH EGO D.C. Two days a DRUG FRIENDS IN SE week Uses in Crack House Friday / Saturday Tricks in Crack House Uses in Crack And on street FOOD STAMPS House Located 3days / week $121/ MONTH there 20 tricks per day (Converts to $60 Cash ) @ $10 each X CLINIC (Psychiatric Medicines) GOVT SPONSORED HEALTH INSURANCE (Psych Medicines) HIPS VAN

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Tracey

“I don't like getting high with tricks because some of them geek out and they don't want to pay you and all that. So I just do whatever I do and get my money or do what I have to do to get the crack.”

For this case study I would ask the reader to keep in mind the first network plot graphic presented in this chapter ( The Dialectical Relationship Between Networks,

Histories, Violence and the Self ) and to also consider the graphic above that represents her present situation. I begin her story there, and then move to illustrations of her past to flesh out her historical circumstances. I will then bring that past into her present life situation, and touch on what she wishes for herself in the future.

Tracey’s Present: April 2009

Tracey is a forty-one year old sex worker who lives in a homeless shelter. She is

HIV negative, and reports not having any sexually transmitted diseases, aside from treatment for Syphilis once when she was eighteen years old. She makes between two and three thousand dollars a week as a sex worker, and spends almost every cent earned on crack cocaine. Tracey grew up in a single family home in a working class neighborhood of Southeast Washington, D.C. Although her neighborhood was a

“project”, she didn’t consider her neighborhood to be a bad place. She started using crack at the age of fifteen, and has been using it continuously for twenty-six years since that point in time.

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For the past two months (February and March, 2009) she has lived in one of the larger shelters in Northwest D.C. She “burned a bridge” with her parents (mother and stepfather), and that is why she is in a shelter. In the warmer months of the year she prefers to stay out in the streets and “Trick all I can”; she often sleeps in a crack house that a friend operates. Her parents divorced when she was five years old; her mother then had a long relationship with a man (Tracey’s “stepfather”) who was physically abusive toward her mother and would “beat her all of the time”.

Later in life Tracey’s mother became a pastor at a local church, and Tracey goes to that church every other Sunday for services and to visit her large family. Her grandmother had twenty-six children, and from those children over 150 grandchildren were born. She only knows of two relatives who use drugs, a cousin and an aunt. She smokes crack cocaine with them on occasion. She doesn’t like to use crack around her aunt, because her aunt becomes extremely violent when she is high, and actually cut

Tracey’s neck with a knife once.

Tracey receives $270 a month from welfare (IDA) and $121 per month through food stamps. SSI (Supplementary Security Income) covers her medical (prescription) costs and her prescription eyeglasses. She sells her food stamps for cash at about half of their face value ($60 cash) at one of the corner grocery stores known for such transactions. The store cashes in the stamps to the City for a profit.

Tracey has been in a relationship with her boyfriend Tony for three years; she often refers to him as her husband, although they have never been married. He also lives

167 in the men’s section of the shelter, and they use crack together every day. She supports his habit through money she makes through her sex work. Tracey has a place to sleep at the shelter, and gets most of her food and clothing from there as well. The shelter has a detoxification wing that she has used in the past. She attends a community health clinic for psychiatric medications, and has been taking prescribed drugs for her manic- depression since she was eighteen years old. The clinic that she visits for her medications also offers psychotherapy, but she does not like to talk to therapists. She is required to talk to the psychiatrist when she comes to the clinic once a month to have her prescriptions filled, but that is just a short check up to see how her medications are working. She prefers not to take her psychiatric medications during the day because they make her very tired, so she takes all of them before going to sleep.

Tracey conducts her sex work (tricking) in Southeast Washington, D.C. where she grew up and in Northwest D.C. near the shelter where she lives. She uses crack every day, but only tricks in her Southeast location about two days / nights a week, on weekends. She is allowed to stay out of the shelter for up to two nights; if she stays out of the shelter for a longer period she will lose her bed there. She smokes between $200 and $300 worth of crack each day.

Most of her tricks happen close to the shelter in an adult movie store, where they have “preview booths” in the back area of the store. She’ll pick up a “date” outside of the store, and then go with them back to one of the booths, put some coins in the preview machine, and watch some of the movie clips while having sex. Most of her tricks are oral

168 sex. On average she will have about 15 tricks a day in the booths for $25 each. She doesn’t visit crack houses in Northwest; she simply smokes her crack in a back alley not far from the shelter. Her average dates or tricks are middle aged “white business men”.

She feels safe tricking in the adult store as they have a bouncer (security man) working there to make sure that no one fights or is abusive physically.

While in Southeast on the weekends Tracey will service approximately twenty tricks a day, but the clientele doesn’t pay her as well - it is almost always a drugs for sex transaction. She has known the owner of the crack house for over six years, and he charges her $10 to hang out in the crack house, and expects to be given a portion of her crack every time she turns a trick. Most of the sex happens in the bathroom. She uses condoms “all of the time” for vaginal sex, but never for oral sex. As opposed to the adult movie store where most of her tricks engage in oral sex, in Southeast it is a pretty even mix of oral and vaginal sex. S he gets her condoms from the HIPS outreach program or from other outreach programs she’s familiar with. If she doesn’t have any condoms, she will buy them for a dollar each at a nearby gas station. Although many men will ask her to have vaginal sex with her without a condom, she refuses them and insists on condoms for intercourse. Her average tricks in Southeast are African American men in their twenties or thirties. She explains that she doesn’t feel nearly as safe tricking in

Southeast D.C. as she does in Northwest “…because there's crack heads around here and trying to rob you and take your money and stuff and give you bad crack and stuff.”

Tracey’s Past:

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Tracey was first sexually abused when she was nine years old by her uncle (her mother’s brother) and his friend. They made her have sex with them almost every day until she was fourteen. I asked her how the abuse would usually occur (Tr = Tracey / T = me):

Tr: They usually like bring me candy or bring me candy and give me money. Or they'll say come get the money. T: This is every day? Tr: Yes T: Were they using condoms with you? Tr: No T: No? Did ever fear you might get pregnant? Tr: Yeah. I took all a whole pack of birth control pills because I thought I was pregnant. T: You took a whole pack of birth control pills? Tr: At one time.

She doesn’t suspect that anyone else living in her home, including her mother, grandmother, younger brother and sister, ever knew what was happening. The rapes would occur when she would come home from school, before her mother or grandmother came home from work. She finally told her mother about the abuse when she was eighteen.

Tr: When I turned eighteen I told my mother. T: What did she say? Tr: I don't know. She didn't want to talk about it. She didn't really talk about it. I guess maybe she didn't really want to believe it.

Because of the sexual abuse she had a very hard time concentrating in school.

After school she would do her best to keep herself busy outside of the house to avoid her uncle. “I would run away.” She ran away a lot. In her teens she surrounded herself with

170 friends from Garfield, her neighborhood. She loved to fight other people, steal and generally get into trouble for fun, as did her friends.

T: What were they (her friends) like? Tr: Violent. T: They were? And this is still at Garfield, right? Tr: Mm-hmm. T: Violent in what way? Tr: Stealing people's cars and fighting all the time. Stealing out of stores. T: So you said you had a hard time relating with these other people in school. Were you able to relate with your friends though? Tr: Yeah. Because we used to smoke cigarettes and, you know, fight and so. And they weren't going to school either, so I stopped going to school and got some freedom. T: And what did your mom have to say about that or other people? Tr: I wouldn't talk to her about it. She'd beat me because I didn't go to school but I still didn't tell her what was going on (about her sexual abuse, her friends, fighting, etc).

Tracey first had consensual sex at the age of fourteen with a sixteen-year-old boy that she liked in her neighborhood. She says that he didn’t coerce her, but he did ask and she wanted to make him happy, so she acquiesced. I asked her how she felt that “first” time. “I just didn't feel right. It felt dirty. But he wanted it and I wanted to make him happy so I did it.” The first time Tracey used crack, when she was fifteen years old, was with a boy she liked from her neighborhood. They used it in a crack house across the street from her grandmother’s house. Soon after her first time trying crack she was addicted. In her late teens she learned how to make cocaine into a rock for smoking.

When she first started smoking cocaine it was not “crack” as it became known toward the late 1980s and early 1990s. She and her drug-using friends would purchase cocaine in powder for,m and then mix it in a glass container with water and baking soda, steadily

171 heating the mixture while swirling the water until the baking soda combined with the oils from the (now dissolved) cocaine to form a rock.

Tracey began prostituting at the age of 18 to support her crack cocaine addiction.

I asked her what she was thinking about when she first tricked. “Nothing. Getting another hit (more crack). Nothing else.” She started doing this in Southeast D.C., not far from where she lived, and she was raped on one of her dates while tricking. She discusses this in the conversation below, as well as some of the generalized violence she sees or experiences on a daily basis. 4

T: You said you were raped once (as an adult). Was that while you were tricking? Tr: Mm-hmm (yes). T: Was it in the crack house or was it on the street? Tr: No. It was in a car. T: In a car. And what was the situation? Tr: I was tricking and I usually tell them to give me my money first. But he wouldn't. He told me to get in the back or he wouldn't give me no money. He was in a truck and I got in the back. He just started fighting and told me to take my clothes off and he raped me. T: Right. And didn't pay you. Tr: Pay me? No. T: Yeah. And did you report that? Tr: Mm-mm. T: Did you hear about that sort of thing happening? Tr: Mm-hmm. All the time. T: And do you worry about that? Tr: I worry I lot when I'm with somebody. I mean I go, but if it don't feel right, I won't mess with him. T: Right, right. How long have you been tricking? Tr: Since I was like eighteen. T: So you think your instincts are pretty good at this point? Tr: Mm-hmm. T: How long ago was the rape? Tr: It was when I first started tricking, like around eighteen. T: So you were pretty young when that happened? Tr: Mm-hmm.

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T: Has it happened again since? Tr: Mm-mm (no). T: Did you talk to anybody about it? Tr: Mm-mm. T: No? You didn't tell the other girls? Tr: Yeah. I was telling them. Yeah. T: The girls who were tricking down that way? Tr: Mm-hmm. I told them what kind car it was. What kind of truck it was. T: Did anybody say yeah. I know that guy or? Tr: Mm-mm. T: So did you ever see him again? Tr: Mm-mm. T: No. So he never came back? Tr: But I was high so I didn't even know. T: You don't really remember how everything went down? Tr: Mm-mm. T: Do you remember how you felt during the rape? Tr: I was crying. It hurt. Then I knew I couldn't get no drugs. T: That made you more upset? Tr: Yeah.

There are two interesting issues brought up in the interview segment above. One is that she was raped when she first started tricking on the street. She now believes she has greater knowledge and experience in the street-based sex working environment, which would help her avoid such situations. The second point that is interesting is that in the middle of being raped, beyond the pain felt while being attacked, was that she was very upset that the rapist was not going to pay her for sex, which means that she would not be able to buy the crack cocaine that she wanted. I continue the interview by asking her often she hears about rapes, such as the one she experienced, occurs.

T: How often do you hear a story like that when you're down in the Southeast tricking? Tr: A lot. T: Like every week?

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Tr: A lot. Well, not every week. Sometimes. Sometimes even they say don't get in that car. T: So the girls will warn each other about bad situations? Tr: Mm-hmm. T: So you consider that kind of a support network in a way? I mean looking out for each other? Tr: Yeah. T: Have you ever seen violence while tricking now-a-days? Do you see people getting beat up? Tr: Mm-hmm. I see the girls out there getting high and men fighting because they don't want to do nothing out there but get high and they want the cocaine. T: At the crack house? Tr: At the crack house and outside because we trick outside [too]. T: So the situation will get violent if she takes a hit first and then doesn't want to do anything? Tr: Mm-hmm. Or she smoke all his shit up there and then she don't want to do nothing. T: And then she doesn't want to do anything. Right. Tr: He's pissed because he spent his money for nothing. T: And they want to get their end of the deal. Tr: For nothing.

Return to Tracey’s Present:

Tracey has a very hard time trusting men. She never talks about her sexual abuse with anybody, and does her best to not think about it. She has had a few relationships with men whom she felt were meaningful; she has known her current boyfriend Tony for four years, and with him has shared a sexual relationship for the past three years.

Although she does feel that she loves him, she admits that he is abusive to her.

T: Does Tony ever abuse you? Hit you? Tr: Mm-hmm (yes). T: Is this a regular thing? Tr: Mm-hmm. T: So what kind of abuse does he give you? Tr: Well, he blacked my eye about two years ago. He always think I'm tricking and then when I come back and I don't have no money he's like, you been tricking giving someone

174 some pussy and you ain't got no money? I'm like I ain't doing nothing. And he push me and he's like mad. T: Well, you are tricking? Tr: No. I wasn't. I ain't tricking all the time. He expect me to give him money when I trick. T: So he wants to be like a pimp basically, that situation. Tr: No. He wants to be a crack head. He wants me to give him [crack or money]. He thinks I'm smoking without him. T: How about your other boyfriends you've had in the past? Have they also been abusive to you? Tr: Mike was. T: He would he hit you? Tr: Beat me. Do anal sex and that sort of thing. T: He'd make you do it? Tr: Mm-hmm. (yes) T: So it was not consensual? Tr: Mm-mm. (no) T: Right. And this is something that happened all the time? Tr: Every day. T: So Mike, your ex-boyfriend, he would basically, you're saying he would rape you, or would you consider it rape? Tr: Sometimes I did. T: And why would it make you feel like you were being raped then? Tr: Because he'd make me. He'd tell me to go in the room. And when he said go in the room he's about to pass sentence. And sometimes he'd just pull my clothes off and tell me to bend over. T: How long were you with him for? Tr: Two years. T: And why did you stay with him if you felt this way? Tr: I thought I loved him.

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Network Plot: Karen

FAMILY

Two Daughters Grandmother One Brother

Fifty Cousins DRUGS AND SEX Many Aunts and Uncles

SOCIAL Tricks for GROUP Money And Crack in BOYFRIEND And around

14 th and U Street MALE FRIEND SOCIAL Corridor and EGO Formerly used drugs SUPPORT Shaw with him GROUPS He still uses Last Trick and

Last Crack used Barnes & Noble 8 months ago, Book store to read WOMEN’S DAY On probation During the day SHELTER and has (Food, Clothing, Staff support, 4 days / week Urinalysis tests Friends, Creative Writing Course, Narcotics Anonymous, Case Long History of Management, Group Therapy) Violent activities in NW and SE WOMEN’S DINNER PROGRAM D.C. NE, D.C. SUNDAY-THURSDAY (Therapists, Friends, Staff Support)

WOMEN’S SHELTER (Self Defense Classes)

X MEDICAL CENTER (Psychiatrist, Group Therapy, Psychiatric Meds, Dental HIV Testing)

176

Karen

“My first gun was a .357”

The ethnographic representational style used for Karen will be much different than that used with Tracey. For this case I will direct the reader to her network plot for reference, and then segment her story into sections that fit into each of these areas, and then provide illustrations of each section. These illustrations will take the form of my ethnographic descriptions based on our various interviews together, as well as direct quotes from her, compiling “snapshots” of various areas of her life. As with case study

Tracey’s presentation, I ask the reader to refer to the initial graphic of this chapter, and to consider the third frame - the developments of the Self - when considering the historical instances of Karen’s life that have brought her to her current networks and life reality.

Social Group

Karen is forty-one years old and lives in her own apartment near the Washington,

D.C. Stadium Armory, but is originally from the Northeast area of D.C. She lives in a

City-funded home for women, but wishes to live in Woodley Park near the National Zoo in Northwest in a ‘nice apartment’. “There is a program called Pathways where they put you at an apartment until they find me a place in that nice neighborhood. No welfare, but zero cost on rent.” She doesn’t have a boyfriend or a sex partner. The last time she had sex was about 8 months ago with a trick she knew fairly well. Karen has two close male

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friends, James and Jarell (in their 30’s, described as “real good friends”), and she has

known both of them for four years. One of her closest friends is John, who is fifty-five

years old; they’ve know each other for 4 years also. Karen feels that John “gets her”, and

she would like a romantic relationship with him, but he’s not interested. John is a dealer,

but “never uses.” He has been dealing drugs for a very long time.

“I have lots of friends. Some smoke, drink, they all come to me for somebody to talk to…I try to direct them in the right direction, but they ain’t going to stop until they want to stop because everybody gotta do what they gotta do. The system stopped me.”

Karen loves to read. “I like to read inspirational stories”. She spends three or four

hours a day reading books off the shelves at a Barnes & Noble bookstore near

Chinatown. She states that “I read a whole lot” and that she is at the bookstore “every

other day”.

Drugs and Sex

Karen does not currently use crack cocaine or heroin, nor does she trick “unless

somebody offers me a nice piece of money just for some fun, I probably would. It’s

business”. She hasn’t tricked “officially” in a while, and has not used crack in about

eight years. She used drugs daily for four years only. When tricking Karen goes to the

Shaw neighborhood, close to the Logan circle and 14 th Street (Midtown neighborhood) common sex worker strolls.

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Family

Karen’s live relatives include two daughters, a grandmother, one brother, a father whom she never sees, a granddaughter, and “about fifty” cousins as well as “lots” of aunts and uncles, although she rarely sees any of them. One daughter in her twenties lives on her own in Maryland. Her second sixteen-year-old daughter lives with Karen’s grandmother in Northeast, D.C. Her brother lives in Southeast D.C., and she doesn’t see him very often either. She feels that she can go to her grandmother for assistance when needed.

Social Support Groups

Karen has married her social support networks to her social friends network in various ways. She occupies her day-to-day routine with activities she can sign up for at or through the various programs she accesses - this is why a circle has been drawn connecting a few of the social support groups to her social friends group in her network plot.

Karen utilizes a woman’s day shelter in the Shaw / Midtown neighborhood for food and clothing, as well as to see the staff because she likes them. She likes to talk to them, and considers them friends. She attends group Narcotic Anonymous (NA) meetings and other classes like “creative writing”, however she admits that she only attends the NA meetings “because you have to in order to eat there”. The women’s

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shelter helps her with getting City social services, like food stamps, SSI, and welfare.

She is not allowed to sleep at the day shelter. Even short naps on a couch during the day are against the rules there: “If they wake you up two or three times, then you have to leave”.

Karen also attends another women’s shelter in the same area. “I take self defense there”. It’s like the YMCA, with a nighttime sleeping shelter, but Karen does not stay there. She also goes to a “dinner program” near the Capital Courthouse of Northwest

Washington, D.C. “That’s where a million women at”. In the morning they have a breakfast program where women and men can go, but at night it is solely for women.

They also have therapists at this center that people can access, but Karen doesn’t use them. She used to see a “ghetto therapist”, a “white guy” who was “cool as shit”, but hasn’t seen him in many years.

Karen does her best to go to many group discussion meetings, classes and other services offered by the various groups that she accesses, because it makes her feel good; they make her feel empowered, and she likes to share with other women to try to help them. She attends a medical clinic in Columbia Heights for dental care and HIV testing, stating “I’m a freak with surveys and stuff”. She enjoys finding out who is currently running surveys and passing out “free gift cards,” usually for the grocery store. They have to cut her off at times for trying to do too many.

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Karen receives $166 in food stamps a month. As opposed to the hustle that some of the women engage in - selling their food stamps for half of their worth in cash - she’ll buy people’s food for them and then they give her the cash money. For instance, if somebody wanted $100 worth of food, Karen would go with them to the store, or take their order, and then buy the food with her food stamp card after receiving cash from them.

“I sell fare cards to the Metro.” Karen also visits busy Metro stops and sells cards for a few dollars more than they are worth. She also helps people procure drugs for cash.

About eight years ago she would help move drugs, as well as smoke it with her friends, but wasn’t considered a dealer. Karen also does odd jobs when she can. For instance, she worked on a construction site for two weeks recently where she was paid $16.95 an hour, “Over a hundred and something dollars a day”. She worked for Homeland Security for several months, but was laid off with no explanation: “That was good money too”.

Karen also goes to the unemployment center to see what small jobs she can pick up.

“I do a lot of business adventures” (meaning ventures. “I go around plotting”. S states that she would like to get into a business of sex work that is more specialized, like people looking for threesomes, anal sex, and group sex that is not offered by the other sex workers that she sees around.

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History

Karen grew up in a middle class neighborhood in Southeast Washington, D.C.

“We had yard parties, and we stick the stereos out on the lawn and bbq, and go swimming down at the public pool.” People felt very safe having their children playing outside. She considers the neighborhood in which she grew up as being a nice one,

“Residential, with no drug dealers on the corner.” Her father worked at the Library of

Congress. She has one younger brother; he doesn’t use drugs, and works in security.

Karen hasn’t seen him “in a minute” (very long time) but talks to him now and then on the phone. She wasn’t a violent person when she was growing up, and neither was her world as far as she can recall.

Karen used to talk a lot and get in trouble in school for being a clown, but remembers her younger school years as being fun, including many friends. She loved roller skating at Colorado Road Skating rink with her classmates, and to go to the carnival at Marshal Hall, King’s Dominion, and the circus. After high school, she worked for the government and continued to live with her mother and father in an apartment building off Branch Avenue in Southeast D.C.

An older cousin, who was seventeen or eighteen, first sexually abused her at the age of eleven. “My cousin. He used to play with my titties and my little thing”. He would fondle her breasts and vagina at his mother’s house after school. “He used to give me tittie twisters and they would hurt like hell afterwards!” This happened occasionally,

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but “not all of the time.” She never told anybody about it, and doesn’t really consider it

sexual abuse. She doesn’t think of her life as being one of abuse, but admits “I got the

living daylights beat out of me by my mother now and then, but I wasn’t abused verbally or physically.” Her downstairs neighbor in the same house was beaten by her husband

“all of the time”. “Nobody stopped it”. Karen confides that she has never been raped in her life.

Karen attended high school in Potomac MD, where she first had sex at the age of fourteen. “I had sex the first time and got pregnant. I’m a breeder. I get pregnant real easy. I didn’t know nothing about condoms and they didn’t teach it to us in school, and my mom didn’t teach me about them.” She had her first daughter; her boyfriend left her because she “got pregnant and fat”. He robbed a gas station and gave her some cash from the robbery to help her with the baby. She proceeded to put that child up for adoption, but she knew the adopting family. She gave up all rights to her, but her mother gave her the daughter’s location information and they re-connected when her daughter was sixteen. Her daughter did very well with the family with whom she lived; her daughter’s friends in high school were not drinkers and didn’t do drugs.

Karen started hanging out with “Jamaicans” in her twenties and started “running drugs” with them from New York City to Washington, D.C. She felt safe with the drug dealers at her apartment playing video games with her. She admits that she used to go to

Atlantic City to gamble a lot and had a “real problem” with it. She bet on roulette and craps the most. It was at this time in her life that she started using drugs and started

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stealing from her mother, father and brother. Her mother then threw her out, and that is

when she started hanging out in the streets: “I sold a $2,000 ring that the Jamaican gave

me at a pawn shop for $80.”

Karen moved to a neighborhood in Southeast Washington, D.C. in her early

twenties, which she described as a “true” war zone. “You be stepping over bodies all the

time.” She described how drug use and tricking were always involved with “…shooting

and fighting. Stabbing. The women fight all of the time. Shooting happens now and

then day or night.” She has seen people being stabbed and shot. She has had to get down

on the ground on numerous occasions to avoid stray bullets or ricochets.

T: How do you feel living in a situation like that? With your daughters in an apartment where there is shooting going on all of the time outside? K: Terrible, like damn. Damn. But that’s just the way it is now. T: Have you ever stabbed anybody K: Yeah T: What was that situation about? K: Over some punk money, On principle, it wasn’t even a lot of money. Just give me my money back. I stabbed three of them. All brothers.

“I did a lot of robberies in Northeast. My first gun was a .357.” Her boyfriend

had a MAC-10. Her father taught her how to shoot when she was young “out in the

country…I shot cats.” Karen committed robbery primarily for cash, along with another girl who did it for heroin money - they were never caught. They would rob workers who came into the neighborhood (maintenance workers, etc.) even though some of them lived there. “It wasn’t a lot of people; I was exaggerating, it was only like three or four”.

Karen lived in that Northeast, D.C. neighborhood for four or five years until her mother

184 died. Her brother lived in her mother’s house - he always lived there - but the house was taken because they didn’t pay taxes and sold. Karen made $9,000 after all her mother’s expenses were paid. Her mother owned the house, but Karen and her brother lived there for four years, until they stopped paying taxes and the electricity was turned off. Karen then got back into gambling.

Karen invested money that she earned from her government job in drugs she helped to transport from NYC to D.C. Her Jamaican boyfriend would make the powder into rock for sale, but smoked most of it. Karen would often make $2,000 from a $500 investment, although she only did this every two or three months. If she used her own money for drugs, she would only smoke $60 worth a day. If she used somebody else’s money to buy drugs, she could use hundreds of dollars worth. Karen never traded sex for crack, only cash, and she only tricked with men that she knew. Most she met at her job.

She also had sex for money with guards when she was in jail. She’d earn between $40 and $80 per trick, and didn’t do it all of the time or even every week. She reflects on how it was “tricking” in the past and how it is today: “It’s different now, everybody is dirty and they want to kill and use knives. It’s different than when I was in my ways” (tricking and using crack in her twenties).

T: How many times have you been locked up? K: Four T: How much time did you end up doing in total? K: Little over four years.

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Most of Karen’s time of incarceration was spent in Prince George’s County,

Maryland and the Washington, D.C. Jail. Her longest incarceration stemmed from

charges of weapons possession. “The ‘jump outs’ found guns in my bag”. She was with

drug dealing friends, and they put the drug bag – evidence used against her - in the trunk

of her car.

Karen’s first time in jail was after her arrest for carrying cocaine in New York

City, after she apparently was under surveillance. She was sent to Federal Prison near

Austin, Texas for five years because the DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration) started their investigation in Washington, D.C. “I had fun in Federal. We played cards, had cigarettes and played ping pong”. She never got into fights, and happily reminisced about her time there. She never used drugs in prison, or even saw it happening - not even alcohol. In prison she was in a tier for the criminally insane, with only one hour of recreational time, so she was in her cell for 23 hours a day. After serving her time in prison, she went to Prince George’s County Jail for a car tag scam, and that is where she was first diagnosed as being bipolar. In addition to the therapy she receives today at one of several social service centers that she attends, she also had therapy in prison. “When I was in jail they said I was criminally insane and they gave me drugs (Depakote and

Seroquel): “They said the drugs would take away my sex drive. I really don’t have a high sex drive. I feel lust. I think those drugs affected me for good.”

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Karen used to hang out with the 9 th Street (Northwest, D.C.) injection used heroin users near the new Convention Center is located; she both tricked and used crack there (I conducted research with that group of people and their related networks for several years in the mid-1990’s, but I did not know Karen personally then). She was also friends with a local Go-Go music celebrity and rode around with him in his Cadillac; he did heroin while she smoked crack. He would give her money to buy food and things for her daughter, “We became really, really good friends”

Her second child’s father was a crack user as well. “He always wanted to smoke everything up” so they ended their relationship. She went to a woman’s shelter and lived there for five months, and then the City placed her in “transitional housing”, an apartment with her daughter in the Columbia Heights neighborhood. Her mother bought her furnishings, clothing, and all she needed to move into the apartment with her daughter.

187 Network Plot: Nancy

FAMILY

Two Sisters - Deceased One Brother

One Sister One Nephew Mother Father

Many (150+) Cousins Uncles SOCIAL GROUP Aunts Sex and Drug-Using Friends BOYFRIEND Nancy uses Crack With him, as well as with SOCIAL SUPPORT Friends and “Friends of GROUPS Friends” EGO GOOD MALE FRIEND VOCATIONAL REHAB Two Friends at Vocation Rehab (Has a few friends here) Two at Housing Building SRO SUBSIDIZED HOUSING ($15 / month Sex work on Has a few friends in the building) occasion for money or HOSPITAL drugs, but (Dental and Eye Care, Hypertension) not every day $155 FOOD STAMPS / MONTH

GOVT FUNDED INSURANCE (For Medications)

MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC (Psychiatric Medications and Case management)

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Nancy

“I could probably forgive, but I won’t forget.”

All of the women featured in this research suffer from forms of depression that are deeply embedded within their Selves and affect them in devastating and debilitating ways. Most have turned to drug use as a form of self-medication, which influences their network relations and behaviors. Some seek out medical help for their depression and must learn how to negotiate the medical system. I will focus on several aspects of

Nancy’s life that are key to an understanding of the nuanced contexts and complexities found in the researched women’s lives. I will briefly discuss Nancy’s history of childhood sexual abuse, and then proceed to focus my discussion on her history with depression and how this depression has affected her.

Nancy was born in 1957. She was the oldest of three sisters and has an older brother as well. Her brother lives in Maryland, but she hasn’t seen him in several years, although they talk on the phone. Her parents live together in Northeast Washington,

D.C.; both are now in their mid to late eighties. Nancy doesn’t see them often either; their last visit was six months ago for Thanksgiving and Christmas. The closest person in her life is her sister who also lives in Washington, D.C. Nancy can go to her sister for advice, and her sister will listen to her and help her with money if she needs it.

When Nancy was born, her family lived in a house in the Brookland neighborhood in Northeast Washington, D.C., moving to the Park View neighborhood

189 when she was ten years old. She did not consider her high school, or her neighborhood violent: “Back in the [Nineteen] Sixties and Seventies there was not a lot of violence.

It’s where you could leave the door open then. Now you have to have an extra door”.

Most homes in the Park View neighborhood do have an extra door; an iron gate on the outside of the door frame to prevent people from breaking in.

As a child Nancy spent several years in several foster homes or orphanages. “My mother was sick, so she wasn't able to take care of everybody. So we were - I was in different places…it was like foster care. I'd probably been in different locations…my mother doesn't talk about all that but I hear a little bit about it. I remember being there but

I don't remember my sister being there. They might have been there. I don't know. I was maybe three years old. Between three and five.” Young Nancy liked to get into trouble with her friends. “I would get into fights, but I’d always run! I was the punk! I was the type of person that really didn’t like fighting, but I liked to run my mouth.” She says she has many uncles, aunts and cousins, but doesn’t stay in touch with any of them.

Nancy currently lives in Northeast, D.C. in an SRO – a single room occupancy rooming house with a shared bathroom and kitchen. She pays $15 a month, and has lived there for six years, but does not have any real friends there. There are a few women with whom she socializes and sometimes goes out for breakfast at a local corner restaurant.

Her sister pays her rent, and Nancy receives $155 in food stamps. Nancy uses crack cocaine on a daily basis with one of her boyfriends, and a few of their friends (or friends

190 of friends), and has a few regular sex partners who are “tricks” that pay her with either drugs or money for sex. Beyond this, she rarely engages in street-based sex work.

Although Nancy’s neighborhood would be considered a violent place by any standard, she doesn’t feel that she is in much danger. “I can hear the guns shooting in the distance, and there are drugs and prostitutes, but not as bad as it used to be…I walk around anytime I want and I’m not worried about it. It’s what the individual makes of it.

Sometimes God gives a person sense things, to know when something ain’t right, or if a person ain’t right, so I’ll move away from them. If people start acting strange, then I’ll move away.” She had a gun pulled on her because she ran into some men who were stealing furniture from a house, but they didn’t hurt her, although she was very scared.

Once a man she liked, whom she gave the spare key to her apartment, robbed her of her television and other possessions. She was too scared to stay in her own apartment after that incident.

In Nancy’s youth, her mother was often severely depressed, and drank alcohol

“all of the time”. She was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to Nancy. “I got beaten with an extension cord, brooms, belts or hands. She would beat me. She used a weapon one time.” Apparently, when Nancy was in her early twenties, her mother was drunk, yelled at Nancy about something she forgot to buy at the grocery store and then cut her with a knife. She still has a large welted scar on her forearm to remind her of the incident. Her father was also an alcoholic, and beat her mother almost daily in a drunken

191 rage. Nancy recalls that he was always angry and in a bad mood; he verbally abused and physically assaulted her mother almost daily.

Nancy’s father began sexually abusing her when she was fourteen years old, usually in the night after her mother had gone to bed. “He would try pull my draws down, and try to penetrate me, but by me hollering, he never did at first. And when he’d get intoxicated he had this book (pornographic magazine) of naked pictures and women sucking and sex and wanted me to suck it, and whatever all in my face, and I wouldn’t, and he’d say ‘don’t you tell your mother’ this and that.”

This went on until Nancy was in her mid 20s. She kept her bedroom door locked, but knew her father had a key. Her father also sexually abused her now-deceased older sister, and Nancy thinks that he attempted to abuse her younger sister “…but she ran and he never tried to do anything else with her. But she knew what he was doing to me.” All of the sisters slept in the same room together. “He would come up to get me, and drag me to the basement”:

T: Did your mom know what was going on? N: That’s what puzzles me, because she should have known because at that particular time she was living on the first floor (the children’s bedroom was on the third floor). He had to go all the way upstairs and then get me and come all the way back downstairs and to the basement, there would be no way you could not hear him. T: Do you think your brother knew what was happening? N: Y’know, I never hear him say it, I never hear him saying anything about it.

She said that she and her sisters would talk the abuse at the time it was happening, but quietly and not around other people. Nancy speaks more openly about it with her

192 older sister now; she also believes that her father approached other young girls in the neighborhood when he was inebriated.

“He would get me out of bed and we would go down to the basement and say that he wanted it. And he tried to, you know, pull my clothes down. And we had a lot of boxes and he made me lay on top of them. And that's where I was and he was on top trying to penetrate me. And I would holler and tighten up my body so he couldn't get it in me and stuff like that, but I guess he had to keep wrestling me and all and then he would like go to the bathroom and come out with and this sex magazine and stuff like that and I'd look at it but it didn't faze me. He wanted me to perform these sex acts. Or pull down his towel and perform oral. And he was like on me and then it was like he wanted me to lick it and stuff like that and I would hold my mouth and he'd, you know, rub his penis around my mouth. And say ‘don't you tell mom’ and this and that. And I wondered if she knew, which I felt that she did; why didn't she listen? You could hear noise like going down steps. You could hear that. And you can hear when somebody's coming to the door. I think she was just playing possum. She’s in fear of him. It could have been that, too, because he was beating on her, too. Constantly going off. He never let it up. Really. Like the food wasn't right. This wasn't right, and he didn't want us at the table. Just the anger. You know. He would get intoxicated and they'd get in their fighting mode and, you know, all that kind of stuff. And even though he was drunk when he abused me he knew exactly what he was doing. It happened so many times. I don't count them. But I'm going to tell you the honest truth, I was scared because that was -- he would overpower me. I mean, he was a big man. Standing over me. I was just scared of his tone of voice and everything. I was scared of him. You know how you talk in a certain tone? To get your point across or whatever, whatever. Or maybe to scare you so you could do right or whatever. So I basically was scared of him.

I never knew when he would come upstairs to get me (to rape me). I never knew when he was going to come upstairs. He wanted me to come downstairs. Meet him downstairs. And by this time (early twenties) I had a lock on that door. So when he went upstairs and like when I opened the door, he would sit on his bed with his door opened up, my room was in the middle and my sister's room was next to mine. And when I opened that door he could -- I mean, he could move. I mean he's like lightning. He'd be sitting on the bed and then his ass at my door that quick. And I was like ‘Damn, how I'm going to get downstairs?’, you know, to get out or

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whatever. I was scared. I would stay in the room. You know, until the coast was clear.

And then I had a schedule. Our schedule was kind of like the same but I would make sure I wouldn't be in his way when it was time for him to get ready to go to work or whatever. Because I had to get up and be at work at a certain time. And I would be in the bathroom and he would be banging and come on. Come on downstairs. See, we had a bathroom downstairs on the first level just for the toilet and the sink.

I think when my sister caught on or knew what was going on, she would say ‘I feel sorry for you. I wish there was something that I could’ do or something like that. Both my sister because we had like single beds. You know. That's where he always abused us. I'd never know when he would come up there and get me. And tell me to come downstairs. Right. ‘You better shut up’ or whatever, whatever, whatever. You know. And you got to make noise coming down.”

In her early twenties Nancy started going out on the town with girlfriends, experimenting with drugs (PCP and crack cocaine) and began dating men much older than herself. She felt like she was gaining a sense of freedom, although in truth she was in a lot of pain emotionally. She created the illusion of being happy not only for herself, but also for those around her. “I felt that I had it going on. I was just a lot of smoke.” She had a very abusive boyfriend during this time, while still living at home and being continually abused by her father.

“He seemed like a person I wanted to be with, but as time went on his attitude changed, he was very controlling and would get mad if you didn’t do what he said, and he’d pick up things and threaten me. One time he picked up an iron, for ironing clothes, and threw it at me. And once he flipped the couch up while I was sitting in it and my head hit the window sill and I was crying and carrying on, he was in a rage. He was more like a beer drinker and was having money problems. When we was on good terms everything was fine until he got that beer in him, or something set him off or whatever. He didn’t hit me with his fists but would throw things

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at me. Once he threw the phone at me and ripped the cord and said ‘call the police’.

He wanted to get me pregnant bad. And I told him he wasn’t going to get me pregnant. He told me I was mean and evil, and he got mad because he couldn’t get me pregnant. I would make him use a condom, but he would take them off. Because in his position, he was behind me, and he would take it off, and if I noticed then he would try to hurry to put it on, and poke a hole in it and stuff like that. But I kind of felt the difference, but he was stronger than me. But I never got pregnant. He said he wanted to act like somebody, and I said “Moses didn’t act like that” and he just stood there and started laughing at me.

I would say he raped me. Not rape, but it is rape. If I say no to something and you still do it, that’s rape. Oh, if I keep telling you you're hurting me. Stop. Back up. Be gentle. Don't go all rough. You know. And I'm like, ‘I know I'm suffer from dyslexia but damn!’ And it's just -- I don't know. It's just a class background.”

Nancy finally moved out of her parent’s house but found herself in many relationships similar to this one. Relationships where she never felt “in” to having sex with her boyfriends, as if she had to have sex with them to keep them interested in her.

“Like I'm not really into having sex right now or I'm not in the mood and then they force themselves on me. Sometimes they will do it like that. And then there were times like they keep on going at me and at me and at me (pressuring her for sex) and I probably said ‘go ahead and get your thrills.’ I ain't into it. And they look at me like I'm crazy. ‘Just go ahead and get your thrills.’ Just to keep the peace or whatever. And I shouldn't have to do that. I should be able to stand my ground. You know.”

While in one relationship Nancy began experiencing “flashbacks” to the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. In her opinion, something about the man she was dating would trigger inside of her an “inner” feeling related to her experiences with her abusive father:

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“As time went on, I got to learn some things and I had a flash in the back. A flashback because of him. Kind of reminding me of my father. I don't like a lot of force and stuff. You know. It's just shebang (flash back). All this depression and all that stuff. But certain things would occur and it just flashes back. You know? And it's kind of hard for me to deal with that person, feeling. And when I see something then it's my father's face. Like the tone [of his voice]. And if they had been drinking. Because people are different when they are drinking.”

These flashbacks caused Nancy a great deal of pain and have affected her ability to have relationships with men. She wished to confide in the men she was dating about her abusive past, but felt that she simply could not open up to them, and thought that they might leave her if they knew about her troubled past. She felt guilt, anxiety and depression; “Because it was a destructive issue and I wanted the person to understand what I'd been through and where I am now and, you know, how to deal with me. It's like

I'm not the same person that I was once. And I try to make it work with this person but they don't really want to do it. But I really want that person.”

Although Nancy knew that she was depressed and that something was definitely wrong with her, she did her best to create a sense of normalcy within her life. She secured a nine-to-five full time job, working five days a week. She had her own apartment and felt like she was in control of her life to some extent. Eventually, however, the flashbacks to her abusive father coupled with the closed-off feeling she had with other people in her life wore her down:

“I thought something was wrong because I’ve always been a person you can rely on, and then with my job I started missing days, go home when I feel like it. I was a very good worker, but I was getting an attitude with my supervisor and he thought I was going to go off the deep end (and maybe

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be violent towards him). So I knew something was wrong. I had insurance then (through her job) and the first medication they put me on, I had an allergic reaction. I was seeing a psychiatrist there. I lost my job, I lost everything, my apartment and everything.”

Nancy fell into a deep depression and wouldn’t leave her apartment. Her sister was very worried about her, so she brought her to a clinic to talk to a psychiatrist. The clinic felt her depression was serious enough to keep her there, and kept her for thirty days for evaluation. From there the clinic placed Nancy into “transitional housing” for seven months, and when she was removed she stayed with her sister for four months in her one bedroom apartment: “…by her having one bedroom, and her son was there, and

I’m there, and she wasn’t used to seeing the side of me, the sick side, she couldn’t accept me as I am. Because I always had a happy go lucky attitude, like nothing bothered me, and then, y’know, I was really depressed. So she really couldn’t deal with me.”

Nancy eventually ended up in a shelter, but with the help of her case manager she was able to secure the small apartment that she now lives in, a ten foot by ten foot room in a single room occupancy (SRO) building. She began attending group therapy meetings at a free clinic, and liked the therapist who ran the groups there. She also saw him one- on-one for therapy. “He was good. He knew where people were people were coming from. It was like a void in my life [had been filled], you know, when somebody can understand what you’re thinking, like that. But when he left, I was like ‘I’m lost’, you know, when you find someone who you can work with goes. They discontinued that program.”

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Nancy never felt comfortable talking in group therapy sessions, but the one therapist that she did like helped to motivate her to share. “I couldn’t understand him at first, when he would say “you need to step out of your inner body and look at that child in you. Then something happened one day, after spending a few days thinking about it and

I started to understand what he was saying, and it started to help me get through.”

“I used to go to a different clinic and I did see a therapist there, but she wanted me to focus on something else, and not the issues that I wanted to address. “You might go in for something that you want to address, and they always want to go way back in your history and relationships. But I do know that one day I’m going to eventually deal with this stuff that I’ve been suppressing. Every time I hear it (other people’s stories in group therapy sessions) I walk away acting like “oh man, that happened to you?” Knowing that I’ve been there and experienced some of that stuff. But I’m not able to talk about it openly like some people telling their stories. And they say ‘you know you’ve got to let go’ and I say ‘I don’t hold no animosity towards him (my father), but I didn’t understand why he did what he did, and I didn’t understand why my mother didn’t have no voice.’ I didn’t understand, I swear she had to hear something, I know she had to notice something about her husband and the type of person he is. But they (group therapy people) keep saying that I’m holding on to something else to it, but I don’t feel that I am. It’s just I don’t, this is hard for me, I don’t have the bond that they feel with their parents. I wish I had.”

Nancy would prefer to find a therapist that she can see one-on-one: “Because I tried the group thing and listening to all these people and their stories gets me depressed, so when it comes time for me to share I feel like it’s time for me to walk out”. She doesn’t like switching doctors “because it’s like you’ve been raped all over again. You have to give them the same information”.

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She felt like she didn’t have a very good relationship with her psychiatrist, and that he wasn’t the right one for her. “I wanted another doctor but everybody I talked to would say “he’s good, he’s real good”. The medications she was prescribed kept her very tired “If I was up for one day, then the next day I would be way down” [immobile].

“I feel like my case manager is easy to talk to, but she’ll be like “what do you want to do” and I’m like… stuck on stupid [not knowing what to say or how to respond to the question]. I really want her to find somebody for me who I can talk to so I can resolve some of these issues and stop carrying some of this baggage.” The City funded psychiatrist doesn’t spend a lot of time with her because he has lots of clients. “What I don’t understand…they gave me a diagnosis, and I went down to [talk to them about getting disability or some form of support] and they said it wasn’t severe enough [to warrant monies from the city], and I don’t understand my diagnosis because one minute they telling me its manic depression, major depression. You know what I’m saying? And

I still [don’t know] cuz that’s like coming onto manic depression, and I’m confused! And

I went to talk to the man [her psychiatrist] to tell him to hook a sister up [with benefits)!

Because he has to fill out the forms [and write down a diagnosis]” But she doesn’t think her case manager is following through for her.

Nancy’s case manager says she will make the calls regarding her mixed diagnosis and benefits, but nothing has happened. “They said I should be getting a check, but it never happened. But I think I’m sending mixed signals to my doctor because part of me feel like I do want to work, and part of me don’t want to work. And I want to go to work

199 when I feel like going to work, but I know that ain’t gonna happen like that.” Nancy considers her sister to be her best friend, and tells her to open up more, but her sister “is a much more open person.” Nancy has a lot of regrets about not having a better relationship with her mother, and doesn’t want her mother to die without knowing her pain and what she has been dealing with thoughout her life.

Nancy has a boyfriend whom she has known for two years; they’ve been sexually active for about a year. He has his own apartment, and she sees him mostly on the weekends. “With him it’s a lack of trust issue.” She still feels that she would like to open up to him; she feels he is somebody in whom she can confide:

“Because he's been there. What I'm trying to say to you is he's experienced. You know. He's an older man that's been there and done that and he do listen to me. You know what I'm saying? But I've never let him know about this (her abuse). And we'll talk about, he'll be bringing up stuff that happened with the ladies that he had dealt with but I won't say anything. But when he do ask me questions, Oh, I'll get back with you later. You know, when we get together or stuff like that. You know. Hoping that when I do call him that he’ll forget about it. Because it's so emotional. And I just don't know how he's going to accept me as I am or tease me with it or stuff like that and that's something I probably can't take. I probably -- Do something about it. I don't know.”

Terror and Social Suffering

The case studies of these three women, as well as Michelle’s presented in the chapter to follow, are immensely personal and deeply embedded in their sense of Self.

The suffering of the Self is, in these cases, a social form of suffering, as described by

Arthur Kleinman (1995: 1-24). Some types of individual suffering do not fall within the

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“social” area, and childhood sexual abuse is one of those. Most children who fall victim to the perpetrators of sexual abuse bury the experiences deep within their bodies and minds. They silently suffer the anguish of memories surfacing without warning, and the pains or somatizational effects upon body and psyche. There is a conundrum here, and at the center of it is terror. Below I shall offer several brief thoughts on subjects that I feel are important to address in relation to these women’s accounts.

Sexual Abuse is Silent and Secretive

All of the women who participated in this study were silenced by a father or mother, and were not allowed to talk about the abuse they suffered. For the Self to heal, there must be a social way or opportunity to express pain. There must be avenues for the

Self to find itself again within the world of others, or else be trapped in a silent state of misery. The silent state can be devastating to the Self. It can make a person seek the aid of any tool within her grasp to push the terror of memories back down, deep inside.

Drugs are often the victim’s first choice. This path usually leads to an equally silent death - suicide, homicide, overdose or disease - perhaps a death mourned but still socially stigmatized.

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Sexual Abuse is Most Often Learned by Witnessing or Experiencing Abuse

There are many forms of sexual abuse. Most children are taught at an early age what kind of touching of their bodies is acceptable and what is not. They are taught by people they trust - parents, educators or other authority figures who should have the child’s best interests in mind. Children are directed to tell someone they trust about abuse they experience; there should then be social and legal structures to follow up. The breakdown occurs when the “trusted” person is perpetrating the abuse. The child is then thrown into a whirlwind of confusion – attempting in vain to define truth, trust, love and acceptance.

Sexual Abuse is an Expression of Power and Powerlessness

The problem is compounded with generations of abusive behavior. For example, fathers or uncles abused many of the women in this study, while their mothers turned what appears to be a “blind eye”. The mothers may have also been abused as children or adults. The reality of abusive pasts and presents can be at odds with a very real need for the social and financial resources provided by husbands, fathers of their children, siblings and other family members or friends, as well as the social obligation to protect their own children. The mother’s inability to stop the sexual abuse of their children, for whatever

202 reason, can cause constant guilt, anxiety or denial. The mother may lash out at the child, as was described by case study Cathy in Chapter Five.

These facts suggest that childhood sexual abuse is a form of social suffering, one that receives very little in the way of social healing. Both the perpetrators and the victims are silent. While the Self is shamed by the act, the social shame is in turn unbearable.

The truth is once again buried.

Chapter Seven is a story of one woman’s life, Michelle, and is presented in her own words. Michelle was born in May of 1968, in Washington, D.C. - a month after the start of the riots that followed the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King. Unlike previous chapters, my voice, analysis and interpretations have been removed from her representation. When reading her story reconsider the categories of violence that I have used in my discussions, as well as the other types of interpersonal violence, types of abuse, and the effects of these factors upon the Self. Using these points of reference, we can consider her story in a different light, and perhaps begin to understand her pain, illnesses, suffering, and begin to attain a deeper conception of how her networks and relations affect every aspect of her life.

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Notes for Chapter Six

1 The order of interviews for each woman was Network Plot, Event Recall, and Life History. I used the network plot interview first because it would act as a reference point in conversations about various topics of interest in the other interviews.

2 This frame relies heavily on Life History Interview data. I started each interview with “when were you born… where were you born… who did you live with when you were born, and so on. This created a base line of early network features. I would then move into memories with questions like “what was your first memory as a child?”

3 The volumes of transcripts are simply too cumbersome for an ethnographic text of this nature, but selections from their narratives will offer the impression needed.

4 Mm-hmm means Yes, and Mm-mm means No. She is very short answered many times, so I do my best to repeat her answer and go deeper where I feel that I can.

Chapter Seven

Testimony: One Woman’s Story

Painting by Steve Archer

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Karen

I remember just like bits and pieces from my childhood. I remember a Christmas tree, and I remember me trying to climb that tree and knocked it down. That's the first memory I have of being a little girl, and I remember hiding and somebody talking to me saying, "Why are you hiding? Don't be afraid. It's just a tree." And I remember them either hitting me or whatever and I went blank (unconscious) after that.

My mother and my dad were having difficulties and my aunt and my mom was real tight and my aunt moved to Baltimore and she took my mom away from my father.

But my mom got sick right after that. Right then and there. And I can remember her crying over the phone, begging him to bring us to see her, and he didn't do it and she died like hours later. I remember being in Baltimore and I came to my cousin's bedroom and I said “Tina”, (which is my biologic mother's sister's daughter), I said “What's the matter?”

She was laying on the bed crying. And she said, "Come here, Baby." She said, "Your mama just died." And then I looked at the doorway and I'd seen my aunt talking to the trash truck man and she was crying. And I remember that scene, and then I remember the wake. I remember I was playing around, going in back of the wake area where there was dead people's bodies and stuff. I remember getting up there and kissing my mom while she was in a coffin.

And then I found out about my dad being married to my mom. It was up to him as to where we'd go. So he decided that he wanted his mom to take us. I was staying with my mom’s mother and I wanted to stay there. They [her father and his mother] used

206 to have to catch me, you know, snatch me up off the street when I'm playing on the front just to get me to go over their house because she would never let us go. And then I remember they had a court battle. They was battling back and forth, but they finally left us with my dad and he put us there.

And I know when I used to do go over and visit with my mother's mother I had such a wonderful time. There was so much love over there. You know. And then my dad's mom, I mean all they did was wait until the checks come in [welfare checks] and everybody would come over and drink and party all the time. One little bedroom, small apartment, and it looked like everybody was trying to pile up in there. So I had to wait until everybody leave. Clean up everything. Because that was like right after --well, when I first got there (at the age of five or six) I remember -- this was the first time I ever remembered waking up there. I woke up on a towel and when I was soaking wet from head to toe with no clothes on. I was really wet down here [genital area]. And I woke up and I'd seen like my uncle and it looked like my dad and somebody else was sitting in the chair. And I woke up and I was like, how did I get like this? And I remember going towards the bathroom and it was a blank situation after that. So as time went on and my uncle’s girlfriend - Well, after that, when it happened, I was wondering what was going on so I tried to make myself wake up more because after when they started partying and stuff, they would party until two and three o'clock in the morning. I had the responsibility of…he had two couches in the living room. I had to make the couches like beds. One for my little sister and one for me. And I had to clean up behind everybody.

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Wash dishes. I was taught very early to do thing like that. While they were partying all night I was just sitting around. And I had to do all that, and then I had to get up early in the morning. My grandmother would get up and fix us something to eat sometimes if she wasn't too drunk, and then we had to go to school and was falling asleep and, you know, and still thinking about the fact there's no love and no nothing. You know.

And when they would be partying, the only things she would fix is beans because that's all my step-grandfather would like to eat was beans and corn bread. Every day he would want some. So we could be lucky enough if one of my uncle's girlfriends or my dad's girlfriends would take us to the store, and they'd go just to buy food for their kids and they weren't going to see us left out. So, you know, that's how it was.

So my uncle Trey, I used to like to follow him everywhere. I thought he was the coolest dude ever. And he said he was going out there in the trash and I said “I want to go. I want to go.” He didn't just open the trash. He went up to my father's old apartment that he had just moved out of. He had the key. And I realized there was an ice cream truck outside, so when we got up in the house he said, "Do you want something from the ice cream truck?" I said “Yeah.” He said "I give you a dollar if you take your clothes off." And I said no. And I was like six going on seven. I said no. And that's when he pulled off his belt and he said, "Take your damn clothes off." I still said no, but he had a joint and from now they's telling me back in the day it was called like angel dust, PCP or whatever it was. And he made me smoke it. He made me smoke it. I was choking and

208 everything. He kept on saying, "Hit it again." [smoke more] You know, like that. Then from there I remember fighting my way and he was just pulling me to the bedroom and got me on the bed. I never would talk when I was little. I only talked…really, I didn't even think I knew how to talk. But if somebody would ask me something I would speak.

And I thought I was hollering and he was sticking hisself [penis] in me and sticking hisself in me. And all I can remember was digging and digging and digging and digging and digging and digging and he kept on saying, “There's no sense in screaming. Can't nobody hear you.” And I just kept on digging and digging and digging and he was going in and in and in until he finally finished or whatever. And he said “Ain't no sense you telling anybody because nobody is going to believe you”. So I didn't say nothing.

And I was trying to find out who did that to me on the couch [during my first rape], so I started hanging out with the uncle that raped me's girlfriend. Because she started having kids. I don't know who did it the first time, whether it was that uncle or whoever because I woke up after it was done. They was just sitting. And they was just sitting there like they were all asleep. And I was just wet down here. And I was like… and so when I talked to my almost aunt, I never told her what he did to me but she knew about my grandfather. Well, she said… this has to fit because she said… “I want to tell you something. That down there is yours. Nobody can take that from you.” But I still never told her that her boyfriend [my uncle] had raped me.

So when I got at home I started trying to wake myself up a little more when I'd go to sleep. When they used to party and stuff I'd try to fall asleep so that when it was time

209 to put me to sleep I won't be so out of it. And I woke up. It was my step-grandfather eating my vagina. And so I hit him. And I was like “Get off me”. So after that he didn't do it no more.

My grandmother re-married and after all this my step-grandfather started molesting me [when I was 8 yrs old]. She always told me he's my grandfather until I got about eighteen years old and I overheard a conversation that they were having. And I was like, I just stepped out and I said “You're not my real grandfather?” And by me saying it, it pissed me off because I was like, he ain't even my real grandfather and she's still with him after all he did? She knew about my sister [that he was abusing her too] and I think that she knew that he was doing something to me. She had to know. But he was doing it to everybody else in the family too. He was just one of the hoes. He used finger fuck me.

One day my uncle was with this lady and she asked me, “Did your uncle ever try to do anything to you down there or whatever?” And I told her. Because I was always, if you asked, if somebody asks me, I'm going to tell it. And she left him that day. But when I told her she said [to him] “You nasty”, and he came flying out of the room with something about “Mama, mama, mama. Karen out here lying on me and talking about this and that.” So I got a beating [from my grandmother] for that. But she knew I wasn't lying because her niece has said he touched them. So from that point on when my grandmother would get drunk, she would make me do dishes and clean up, and wake me up just to beat me. While I'm doing the dishes she used to beat me with this pan in my

210 back. I mean, it could be umpteenth people in there with all the glasses and they finished eating and I had to clean up everything, and then she would beat me in the process and be plainly vicious. And I always said to my grandmother if anything ever happens to her, I want that old black ass skillet she got because she used to beat me in my back with that skillet every night. I said I earned that one [she earned the right to keep that skillet when her grandmother dies]. And they're hard to find. So, the old type [iron skillet], yeah. She used to hit me in my back and say, “You're mine, bitch, telling about my son raped you.

You're as bad as your mother. Look at your ass. You look like a black ass monkey.” I went through that every night. And she would say, “You should have died with your mother” because by then, like when I got like eleven or twelve I started the forming, and she was like, “Look at your big, fat ass. You're looking like them black ass [mother’s family name]” That's my biological mother's side of the family. And mostly they was dark skinned, and they had hips and butt and all that. My grandmother, her father was a white Cherokee Indian. A Blackfoot Indian. And her mother was a black lady. But they was shaped with a flat butt and all that. You know what I'm saying. She looks white.

She just looked white. You know what I'm saying? So she just used to talk about my shape all the time. She was saying “You talking about my son raping. Somebody needs to rape your little ass. Don't worry about asking and getting no money from me from your mother, you know, from your social security. Well, I'm going to sell your ass. That's what you need me to do,” and stuff like that. So, you know. And I started doing what she said, and I started meeting older guys until I met this one guy.

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By this time I was in the first year of junior high. Eleven years old. And he took me over to his house but his father made me leave. He called me on her phone one morning and he got somebody to ask for me, and he told me “Don't go to school. Meet me on the side of the school,” because he had his cousin's apartment and there wasn't nobody there. So I was like, “Okay. Cool.” And I went over there and went in the bedroom and he told me to take my clothes off. And he was standing at the dresser and he kept drinking his beer and said, “Now be quiet, Baby. I'm going to the bathroom.” I says “Why do you keep leaving to go to the bathroom?” And he says, “Because I'm drinking beer.” The last time he went out of the room he shut the door but when he came back he had these naked guys come in behind. And I started laughing because I thought it was funny. I don't even know why I laughed. But the first one, he bust me in the head with a gun and I knew they wasn't playing. So I just laid down and they just did everything to me over and over and over until I blacked out.

All I remember is waking up in my grandmother's bed. She woke me up. She said, “You high? Because you came in and just fell straight out”. She said, “You okay?” And I said “Yes. I don't feel good.” And I went into the bath and I was just sitting there scrubbing myself. I got this, ugh, like I was the nastiest person on the earth.

And then I still tried to go to school after that. And these guys was hanging all around the school and they was just starting rumors, you know, like I'm a freak and I let them run a train on me and stuff like that. So I never said anything because I thought it was my fault because I left school and I went over there on my own.

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And until like four or five months later I didn't have a menstrual. So I told my cousin and she threatened me and said if I don't tell my grandmother that she was going to come over and tell. So I ran away and when I did come back; one of my uncles was looking for me. That's one of my favorite uncles. He's dead today, God rest his soul. So he said “You in trouble.”

So when I go in the house everybody's still partying. It's like three o'clock in the morning. He the only one looking for me. It didn't matter what night it was. Somebody always got something. Whoever gets paid or whoever comes over here might bring drinks. The music's playing and everybody knew our house was the party house. You come and buy porn, liqueur, get anything up in there. You know? And so when I got in there, and it was like three o'clock in the morning, my grandmother said, “Come here”.

And she took me in the bathroom or something. My father told her to check me to see if

I'd been doing anything. I was like, I said, “You don't know what I've been through.” She said, “Tell me what the motherfucker thing you've been through”, this and this and this and that. So I told her what happened. She said, “Oh, lordy”, went out the bathroom and started yelling out what I told her. So they cut the music off and people was leaving, and they called the police and they came there and they took me to the hospital to check me out and all that. And they checked me out and said I was pregnant.

Then they called my grandmother and she had to go back over the D.C. General and they told her how far along I was and actually gave me something to make me have the baby early or whatever. And they said when it comes out…they told her if it comes

213 out right away, you know, to take it and put it in a jar and bring it back to the hospital.

She never did that though. She never did that because I didn't go back until later on and for me being in a state of shock from whatever happened. I know I was at, I woke up and

I was in the hospital for at least three weeks in a coma or something like that. So she was like, “Don't breathe.” That was her favorite things [to say], “don't breathe a word to nobody.” So when people came around I tried to hold my breath… And I had syphilis from that incident. I got syphilis. So, you know, I been having that treated off and on every time. It ordinarily comes up and goes away.

[After] I got raped by the guys at school, after all of them changes I went through, my grandmother sent me for the summertime to my biological mother's sister's house named Shirley. Her son raped me and I left from over there and never go back. It was like rape after rape after rape after rape. You know? And I mean, from that I just shut down when it came to men. To me it didn't even, I didn't feel nothing. I didn't have no feelings at all. No pain, no nothing.

They got the guys [who gang raped me] and everything but they said it their word against mine because I waited so long to tell them, and there was really nothing they could do. But they tested the baby and they found out it was the guy that hit me with the gun. So they had him on that, but they still couldn't prove that he raped me. Because after they started doing whatever, I just blanked out. There could have been many more after that. After they started over and over, it was like I was famous for doing it. I could

214 black out and not remember nothing, you know, afterwards. Anyways, it was really horrible.

And I ended up seeing the guy that busted me in the head with the gun. He found out where I lived at and he would like try to harm me on my way to school and try to run with me and stab me and stuff. And he tried getting me locked up. And he was like eighteen. So my grandmother called the police and I had to have police protection. I had to have a police escort follow me to school. They transferred me to another school because I couldn't go to that school no more. It was like an embarrassing thing and the people at the school didn't want me there anymore actually because it was causing a lot of confusion. He got some girls to try to beat me up at the new school I went to, and I ended up fighting some of them. But after that, they did it to another girl and they got caught that time.

So one of them I know got killed. One of them, he got locked up for a long time.

And the one that actually invited me there, I've never seen him since. But I know the one, the little dark-skinned one that came in behind him, the one that hit me with the gun, he got killed, like I said. But I'd seen him. While I was locked up [in prison] I was in the choir [singing]. He was leader in a Muslim church. I don't know what made him come into our service that day, but when I looked in the audience and I'd seen him I just broke down. I trembled. I stopped. I couldn't open my mouth. And I just started shaking and everything. They made him leave the service. And that's when they found out what the deal was. They dug back into the records and stuff. He was barred from the church that

215

he went to. And he had a little girlfriend in there that he was seeing. They was meeting

in the library and doing it and meeting in the Muslim services because the officers

weren't allowed in there, and they was having sex. So she found out why he was barred

from going to the church and she was on my unit and she wanted to fight me because she

said I was lying. And I was like you don't know nothing about this. This was way back

when. You know. So they put us on lockdown because we really fought, and then they

let us out. And then she found out it was really true and it really hurt her. But that baby

was his. And that's how that situation went down.

[When I saw him in the church] it's like everybody could tell something was

wrong and I was just staring at him. I just froze and they called security. They had to

come and get him out of there. I freaked out. You know. Panicking and just tears was

coming out and I was like huh, huh, huh [heavy breathing sounds]. Like I said, that happened when I was eleven years old and I hadn't seen him and this was like when I was about, about twenty-eight or something like that. And so when I'd seen him I just -- I mean, he has a distinctive look that you could not…you would notice him because he had a real, real flat, flat nose, and he had a curious look to himself and anybody could tell, you know, it was him. And then when somebody do things to you like that, it's like there's a picture just stuck in your head. You know?

And after that [the gang rape at 11 years old and change of schools] the summertime came and my grandmother sent me to my aunt’s house, which is my mom's sister. One of her sisters. She had a house. She was living in Maryland and she had had

216 an incident at Giant. She worked at Giant and she got hurt. She finally got her money

[injury settlement and disability] and she married a guy and bought a house and a car and all that. You know. And she had two older sons. So I started staying with her for the summer. I was about twelve. So I went there for the summertime and they had a phone hooked up. My uncle, her husband, he had a business phone hooked up but you couldn't use the phone. And I had a little boyfriend that I used to talk to in D.C. so I was going to use the phone. And my cousin said well…because I had the basement… he said, “Well, I don't want to hook it up upstairs in my room. You can call him on that phone.” So I'm sitting there like this talking to my friend on the phone, and he didn't know where I was at or nothing, and I don't know what he thought, but I'm just talking to him and talking to him and he kept trying to get off the phone. But I was like, “Wait a minute. I ain't finished talking to you yet,” because I was saying something like three minutes more this-a-way. I know I was turned just enough so I could see somebody come in creeping.

So I was like “Wait a minute, wait a minute.” He almost felt like he came through the phone line and was right there. And the image of my cousin came through. Because as soon as I hung up the phone, this fool grabbed me from the back like this and took this arm and pulled it all the way up here from my back and smashed me down in the pillow and raped me. My cousin. So my aunt… my cousin Mike was like twenty, my cousin

John was like twenty-two. And she had just had another baby, a little girl, after all them years. And I went over there actually to get away from my side of the area [an abusive family and the neighborhood where the gang rape occurred]. But also to help her with

217 her baby. And after he did that I just called my grandmother and said I was ready to come home and I left. I didn't tell. Because I didn't want to hurt her. Because first of all, the man that she married moved. He came home one day with this lady and these two kids and said that his co-worker, or the lady that was working with him doing some work, her husband went out of town on something and maybe they could stay over there for a while. All the time he was screwing the lady, and I caught him doing that stuff. And I didn't want to hurt her on top of that, so I said the best thing for me to do is leave. So I left.

That was my gimmick. My thing. All the time I'm trying to protect somebody. If

I tell this person this and they love this person so much -- and I'm still trying to spare people's feelings. So I was always looking out for everybody else. I was always thinking, “If I tell this person this, this person is going to do this and then this person will do this, and then this might happen and this might happen, so I might as well just keep it to myself.” Because I'm strong enough to deal with it. But all in all maybe if I had told it and got it out and they dealt with it, you know? But I got tired of the fact, and I was like why should I tell her that? And that's her favorite son. And when I told my grandmother about her son, and he was the one that did it, she treated me like the black sheep and she treated me like that over that and they didn't believe me. So...

I had a little brother. My father met this lady and they had a little boy by her.

And I had a sister by my biological mom, me and her, and then I found later on, I mean I caught my step-grandfather molesting her, and I jumped on him and then I drug my

218 grandmother out of the bed. And I thought that at the time if he'd do me, he won't touch her. So I'm taking away the abuse, so if he keeps bothering me, he won't have to bother nobody else. Then he bothered her and that messed me up because I thought that by my mother being gone, I was the one to protect her. You know? So I went in there and I snatched the covers off my grandmother and drug her off the bed by her feet. I yanked her out of the bed. I said, “Bitch! You ain't do nothing when all them did something to me but you're gonna do something about this shit!” I told her what happened. I said, “I woke up and he was under her covers eating her pussy.” She was like “oh, he might have been trying to wake her up to go to school.” [I said] “Five o'clock in the fucking morning? Come on now!” But then my sister said, “Yes he did.” Then she changed up later on because she got scared. But my grandmother said, “Don't you all breathe a word to anybody.” That was her favorite phrase. And then you have her saying, “Don't say nothing.” She going to deal with the situation. Shit.

She fixed that man the best dinner that night. When he came in, he came in late.

He came in and he ate, went in the bedroom and shut the door, and they was in there arguing. Me and my sister was listening through the door. All she said was, “They told me you did something”, and all he said was, “Those damn girls are lying.” My grandmother didn't say another word. My little sister said, “I don't believe this.” She was my grandmother's pet. She was still the baby but she molded her. She said, “I don't believe she ain't do nothing. I know they ain't do nothing with you, but I didn't think they

219 would do that to me and not do nothing.” She said, “The first chance I get to get out of here, I'm gone.”

When my sister graduated, she met this boy and when she came home she had her shit packed and left. And I felt good. Later on, yeah, she joined the Army. But I felt kind of sad because she left me, but then I was glad because she found a way out. And then I was also upset because she just took anything. The first chance that anybody came who she thought was anything she was going to grab him because she wanted to get away from what she was. But they still married today. She has three children by him. She loves him to death. So okay. That was her life.

She knows about my uncle. I think I might have told her about my cousin but, you know, like her being in the military all this time and stuff, we don't communicate too much and when we see each other, we be so happy to see each other. And you know, we don't get into nasty stuff. It's like we're just so happy to see each other. We're hugging and she sits on my lap the whole time and like sit across from me and just hug me and kiss on me. “I love you so much. I love you.” I mean… Oh, Lord. You know. So that's how we communicate.

I got thrown out of school when I was in the 8th grade. It was like boring to me because I'm in school and I had like my math teacher, Mr. Reynolds. I couldn't stand it because he had this little closet that he would go in and you could tell he took a drink in there because when he came out, you could smell it. And he was a math teacher and we'd get on one subject and we on the same subject three weeks later and he still on the same

220 subject. And I'm like I done aced it that day, but all the rest of them are still sitting there.

And I'm like, “Why don't you let us teach each other? Get in groups or something and my God, let me try to help that other person, or put people on the boards and try to work out their problems. They might help somebody else.” "You don't tell me how to run my class." I'm just sitting there and say, “Go ahead. Take another drink.” You know. I was being the class clown. So I kept getting suspended.

And then I had an English… Well, I don't know what kind of teacher she was.

Whatever she was, she got on my nerves, too. She was a short little lady, and she kept on saying, “You going to do this work.” I said “You know what? I'm in your class. There's papers in front of me. I don't have to do shit. I'm sitting here. I'm not disrupting your class. Leave me the fuck alone.” That's how I worded it. She jumped up and so I jumped up there and I grabbed her and, you know, we had little shut out windows that you open up and I stuck her head out and I was banging the thing out. I got put out of school for that.

I came back and the same damn math teacher was our science teacher and I was just totally… and that's when the guy [who had the gun during the gang rape], who found out that I was going to that school, kept on trying to get the girls to jump me and all of that stuff, so I just lost interest in it. It was too slow for me. And I just didn't like it.

So I dropped out and I started to go to night school and, I mean, it was okay. You get to night school and it's the same damn math teacher teaching night school in another school. I was there, and he used to say, “If you did what I told you to do in class you

221 wouldn't be in night school.” I was like, “Mr. Reynolds, please!” It was like two or three years later. It was more than that because I was like… by the time I dropped out of school, because I had stayed back a couple of times, I was like fifteen or sixteen. You could go to night school when you're sixteen.

I dropped out and started working at Burger King. I was fifteen. You had to be sixteen. I lied about my age. I had my first job there, and I left from Burger King and went to McDonalds. So I started working early, but before that I used to work summer jobs and you can get a summer job when you're eleven. Through the summer you get to work different places. I worked at the rehabilitation, the handicap center downtown. I was working in the director's office. All I did was copy papers. And file some papers and stuff like that. Yeah, I did that. I also won a plaque for, you know. We had to write an essay on our summer work job experience and I won this plaque. It was gold and black and all. Yeah. Because I had the best essay.

And that's when I started going to church. But years before that I started going to church with my God sister. She lived upstairs. And her stepfather and her mom and her brothers and her used to go to church every Sunday. They were going to Baptist. And the thing I liked most… Well, I liked going to their church because they ate food. And yeah.

You know. I never would have enough for dinner. But let me tell you the honest reason

I went with her, and I'm not going to lie to you and it's a shame that I'm going to say this.

We used to go Gino's and everybody used to get Gino's food and I always wanted a Hero

Burger. Somebody let me taste one of their Hero Burgers. It was one of the grown

222 people. And I knew it was a Gino's over there when my God sister went to church, and I kept trying to save up my money just to get it. I would always not have enough to get me a Gino's Hero Burger and that's all I wanted to go for, for one thing. But then it was like

I'm hungry. So they started cooking food in the basement church. It was so small down there but that food was so good.

Oh, they was like a little, small church. You know. A lot of old people. And it was a lot of old people they had in that church. So I started going with them and then eventually that branched out and I started hanging with a different crew there for awhile out in the streets so, you know. But I called her my God sister Michelle. And I was so grateful when she went to her prom because she was going to the same school I was going to when I got raped and everything so when she went to her high school prom, or her junior high school prom, her stepfather wouldn't let her go with nobody but me. So he took us up there and he picked us up at a certain time. So I did make it to a prom. It might not be mine, but I went.

When I was working in the rehabilitation, handicaps services there was this lady that always used to be there and she used to quote Bible stuff. So I went and I was asking her, I said “Can I ask you a question?” I was like, “Can you help me proofread this letter?” Because I was trying to do this essay. She said, “Sure.” And she was telling me what I didn't need in there. She was like this really is saying the same thing twice, and you don't need that, and, you know, drop this word and you have to put this in. You know. So I was learning how to really write. And I said “What do you do when you

223 leave this job?” She said “I go pick up my daughter and we go to church every day.”

And I said “Well, can I go with you today?” And I went.

I got saved that day. It was one of those Holy Pentecostal churches. I don't know.

Anyway, when we got there. The preacher got to talking and there was gay people and everything, but it seemed like he was talking about me because he's saying, “Because you was raped” and all that. I mean, he just got on the subject and it just felt like he was just talking about me, and I just felt all that in me and I just started screaming and hollering and I was like, “Thank you!” And I started seeing visions and I was like, “Whoa!” I'd seen everything. After that I stopped smoking cigarettes. I was smoking a little weed now and then. And what else happened is I had a lot of male friends. I always kept a lot, a group of male friends. You know. Just strong-armed friends. Or if I wanted to go out and have sex or something.

I really didn't care about it, but I was like I thought that that was the only way a person could love me. If they say they wanted to have sex with me it was like, you know, because you know I want you. And all they had to do was say some nice stuff to me.

And I'd fall for it. Because I thought that's the way you get a man. Because you've got to give them sex and it's got to be good sex. You know. Whatever. Or just let them have their way and they spend time with you and they'd be around. It wasn't what you had, buy me presents, you didn't have to do nothing. Just act like you're going to come pick me up in your little fly car and everybody seeing you picking me up. I was stuck on stupid. I was. Stuck on stupid. My grandmother used to say every time you go out of

224 here, she said “I don't mind you leaving out of here but when you come back you don't even got a damn cigarette. He don't have no money to buy you no soda.”

So that's when I started saying shit [to men who wanted to have sex with me].

“You got some money?” You know. I started going like that. But when I started to go to church with that lady, every friend I had [male friends who want to have sex] I was like, “If you really want me, you will marry me. Because if you don't, I cannot do that anymore.” And they were like, “Well, I don't want to lose you.” I said, “Well, don't call me anymore.” I just left them. And eventually, you know, my family, I was getting stronger and stronger in my religion. I mean, I ate different. You know.

If they were in there smoking, I would wait before I went in the house and I'd go straight through covering myself. You know. I wasn't going to walk into a place doing all that and everybody stopped. When I started coming home everybody went, “Praise the

Lord! Hallelujiah!” Because they weren't church people. They was making fun of me.

But then I started seeing people in the house putting crosses on the lawn and all kinds of stuff. But to me they weren't respecting what I was trying to do.

So I moved in with my spiritual mother. I called her my spiritual mother. I'd say

I was about fifteen then. In her household you'd come in and you'd take your shoes off and go clean yourself, and she didn't have a table. She had a table like this [large coffee table]. And she had two daughters, and she was like divorced and we would all sit around because we ate together. And she wasn't a black woman. She was like African or

Jamaican or whatever. And she thinks she was an African-Arab. She was strong. We'd

225 read the Bible. You know. We had to read the Bible and whatever. And then I had met a few friends around the area, her area.

I couldn't have company there but I would go outside the door and I still had that that cigarette stuff. So I would smoke a cigarette out in the hallway and come back in. I knew she knew what I had did, you know, but it was right to me. If I didn't let everything go, I might as well go ahead and do everything I wasn't doing. That I stopped doing. If

I'm going to do one thing, I need to do it all. You know what I'm saying? Because a sin is a sin. And I just felt as though because I started smoking cigarettes again that I was just broken and God turned his back on me because we were sinners. You know what I'm saying? And then I thought I wasn't human or accepted in society unless I had a man.

You know?

So I went backwards. So, you know, dipping and dabbing again. But I never forgot when I was, you know, doing it [leading a religious life], how it felt at the time. I felt so good. I lived there about three or four months. Not a long period of time. And then eventually she lost contact with me because the summer job was over and all that stuff.

At sixteen I met this guy. That's when I first found out about coke. Cocaine.

And raw cocaine before you even cut it, before you even cooked it, before you would do anything. I found out about it. I mean, when I found out about it there was scales. A big brief case was coming through the door with nothing but just pure coke just coming off the wharf. You know. Big time. I was hanging out with him. Actually I had just moved

226 in my girlfriend’s basement. I had just turned sixteen. When I was like fifteen I went back to the old neighborhood because my girlfriend's father died and left her a house, and she rented me out her basement. I started working at Montgomery Ward’s after I turned sixteen and I had other things when I was going on seventeen. I had some guy friends who would give me money. You know, buying me furniture. Buying this little thing. All that. So I started getting upgraded. You know? It didn't last long because after I fixed the whole place up I came home one day and she had got a dog, a big old dog, and the dog went through there and tore everything up. She put him down in the basement in my part. I said, “Why would you do this for?” and she said, “Bitch, whatever. If you don't like it you can get the fuck out.” So I went to work that day and met a man with a van, and it was an empty van, and I came back and I packed everything I could in that truck and went to my grandmother's. I left my bed and a few other things. So I called her and I told her, “I'll be back to get my bed.” She said, “Anything left in my motherfucking house is mine.” So I was like, “All right. Fine.”

When I was sixteen I introduced her to coke. But I didn’t know that she was still doing it. Because I tried it that one time, but I left it alone after that. Actually she called a girlfriend around the way, and the girlfriend around the way was older than us and she knew some other people that knew how to cook up coke [make it into rocks]. So they was hitting it in the bowl and then they'd pass it to you. But they passed it to you after they done smoked it all out of it and I wasn't getting nothing. And they was in the kitchen with all this stuff and they was just [cooking it and smoking it], you know. And then

227 finally I said, “Damn. I ain't hitting it like that”, and I started thinking of other ways I could try to hit it. So I finally made a can [into a bowl for smoking] and I hit that joint

[rock].

I said, “Where my shit at?” You know. I felt it. “I'm going to give you all my stuff.” My girlfriend went in the bedroom. This bitch came out of the room with some sexy stuff on. It looked like she was dragging. It wasn't even like she was walking. She just said, "How does that make you feel?" And I said “Wait a minute.” I ran down stairs to my apartment. I grab a few things and hauled ass. It transformed her like that? Her voice changed and everything. She just came out and she was like, like she was sliding.

And she was like, "How does that make you feel?" Man, I was scared to death. You hear me?

And after all that, that's when she started the dog thing, and I was staying there for a few days and I was like every time she might have company upstairs, you know, the creepy old houses are full of creeping and stuff. When they finished, you can hear somebody going to go the bathroom, but somebody was coming down the steps. And I had one of those big old keyholes in my room, and you could see the light and then it'd get dark and somebody was peeking through the keyhole and everything. I was like there's some weird shit going on here. Trying to look in my room. Yeah. And I asked the next day, I said, “Do you be coming downstairs or do that be your company or whatever?” She was like, "What are you talking about?" I mean she just turned sexy.

After she starts doing coke she turns sexy. I ain't understand it. Because it ain't make me

228 feel like that. You know? I wasn't… I was just… It just blew me. When I seen her like that and all that kind of stuff, I said I ain't messing with that stuff, and I didn't. For years and years. But I know after I left, she kept doing it. Kept finding other ways to get it.

And [I liked that drug dealer] then, it's like because the way he was, he had a big key ring. Because he was showing me all of his business tricks. And he had all of these keys on it. He could go out to peoples' houses in Maryland and Virginia. He'd go in their house. He had a key to it and everything. And they'd leave money sitting there. He'd know what they'd want and the way they'd want it. If they wanted it cooked up, he'd cook it up and he'd leave it there. Take the money and leave. That's what he was doing.

He was making house calls like that. He was like a big-time dude.

But he violated on me. He did some shit he wasn't supposed to do. He beat me up.

And then he had a penis that was about this long and about this big. It took him three months to get the head in my vagina. He also made a [sex] tape of me and I didn't know it. And he had this party that he gave me a few tickets to to give to my family members, and what it was was a party. See, he was really hip though and I'm thinking -- because he was coming around and he was so big, a big dude so tall and everything, and he really was really overprotective. He didn't want nobody to [make sexual advances towards me], you know. So he made it known if I fuck around, you know, stuff like that. You could tell it was his personality. He wouldn't have it. And he took me shopping one day and we went to the store and he was picking out sweaters. These sweaters were like $155 apiece. And so I was like, “I'm not buying nothing like that.” And he goes “You don't

229 even know how to shop.” I was like, “You know you ain't going to pick out any style like this” and he picked out like three of them. I said, “I can have a whole wardrobe with the money you're spending on three sweaters.” He was like, “Oh, my gosh. You don't even know how to shop.” And I was like, “Where the fuck you came from?” And then I was upset because he made fun of me. And I felt lesser then because I didn't understand him. And it ended up the doctor telling me that I had to stop having sex with him because every time he went in he was pulling my insides out coming out. And then he said if I continue, they'd just have to give me a whole complete hysterectomy. So I had to stop having sex with him.

Anyway, back to this party he had, when you get into the party -- this was the first time he took me around his friends. When you get to the party you present your ticket and they had all kinds of seafood, anything you wanted. I mean all kinds of big, giant seafood, lobsters and everything. But they had these ladies walking around with bunny suits on and all kinds of costumes and stuff and you get whatever you wanted, tell them what you want, and you could pick whatever woman you want and go to one of the rooms and do what you want. Free. But I happened to… he disappeared, and I happened to go upstairs and go to a room and I looked and he was sitting there showing this guy me on a video giving him head and fucking. Showing a movie of me to somebody else. And that right there pissed me off. I don't know what they were doing. But I was just like,

“You showing somebody some private stuff?”

230

One day we went out to his place he was renting in a home somewhere out in

Virginia. He had this place someplace. Well, we went out to this place one day and I walked in there, and I had a panty liner on. He had left out of the room, and I trying to take the panty liner off and put it in the trashcan. And I saw a douche bottle sitting in the middle of the trash. It was just a douche bottle. Nothing else was in there. So I went off.

I was like, “What is that doing in the trash can?” And he said, "Take all your clothes off."

He pulled his gun out and he put it to my head and he said, "Look at everything

I'm doing." He went and he lifted the bed up. It was a key. It was imprinted into it so you could see it. But you could lay it back in the same spot and everything. And he pulled his brief case out so I could open it up. He took money, he put all the money all over the bed, the scale, the coke, all that. He showed me everything. He had already been showing me the key thing and all of that. He was laying out stuff and all of that.

He made me strip. He whopped my ass. He beat me from one end to the other. I had so many bruises and everything on me. And by me being stripped naked and he had all the money and everything, he made me lay on top of the money and he held me at gunpoint and he said, “If you breathe, I will blow your brains out.” And I didn't breathe. So then after all that we was lying down and he's ready to go.

We was riding down the highway and I'm arguing with him. I said, “You can put me the fuck out.” I was in Virginia. So he let me out. I made my way back to that house and knocked on their door. The man of the house came and asked me in. I went in and

231 he only had a pager at the time and they paged him. And I said I needed to page him but I didn't know the house phone number. So the man gave it to me. And he called back and the man gave me the phone. I said, “I'm at the house.”[his apartment] I said, “Yeah, I guess you didn't think I was going to make my way back here.” In other words, I was saying to him, “Well, I know where the fuck I'm at. And what you did to me I could come back again.” So he was like, “Well, it's too late. I'm already across town. You have to wait until I come back that way.”

So I waited and waited and I went back in the bed and I told the man that he's going to come and get me later and I went into his bedroom. I'm waiting and waiting and waiting. So me and myself, I said shit. I was looking around trying to find some change because maybe I could catch a cab or something. So I just lifted the mattress up and took the key and opened the safe. A hundred here; a hundred there. It was a pack of money.

But I said I ain't going to leave it in my pocket. So I took it out and I took and I seen that the coke and everything is still laid out and I put the coke in a little baggy, a little plastic bag he had. Put some coke in a plastic bag. Enough. And I know that it was pure. It wasn't cut or nothing. So I took some money and I rolled it around in like a little… it would be like that and I stuffed the coke in the middle of it. And I took and put plastic on it and tied it and left a long string on the plastic and I stuffed it up in my pussy and let it lay there like that. And I just laid down and waited.

So this lady came and knocked on the door later on about a couple of hours later and I said, “Yes?” She opened the door and she said, “Let me ask you something. First

232 of all, I'm a bus driver. My husband is a lawyer, and I have a son. I'm going to ask you.

Is Chris selling drugs?” And she could see the scale and all this kind of shit out. I'm saying…I didn't know what to say. She said, “Well first of all, let me tell you. My husband told me he heard him in here beating on you like that. Let me tell you one thing young lady. No man is supposed to whop a woman like that. You don't let nobody do that to you. I don't care who it is. I see everything that's around in here. I told him don't bring that shit in my house because if they want him, I'm going to lose everything I got.”

He was living there. He was renting their home. But he had plenty of places.

Different places in different areas. So she said, “I told him, ‘Do not bring nothing like that in my house.’ I'm getting ready to take his ass down. Let me tell you something.

Where you stay at?” I told her. She said, “I do a bus route in that area. I'm going to take you home. You don't have to wait for him. I'm going to tell you right now, don't ever been seen with him again, because I'm ready to take him down. I don't know when they're going to get him, but I'm taking his ass down for trying to, for disrespecting me and my household.” That's all she said.

So I called him. Oh, and I even took a herringbone necklace that was sitting there. I said it's mine. Fuck it. You know what I'm saying? A thick gold necklace. So I called him on the phone. I told him I needed to see him. It's very important.

So he came to see me and I went out and got in the car and talked to him and I told him everything I did. He said, “Why didn't you take all of it? It was yours anyway.”

In other words, you deserved all that. You know? And I was like “Well, whatever.” And

233 so I just, I warned him about what the lady said, what she was going to do, but he was like “Well, it's too late anyway.”

But he rolled out and I ain't never seen him no more. He probably left the area because she put him out, I guess, pretty much. And that's after I showed him the necklace and everything and he's like, “All right”. And I guess by this time he was really guilty for beating me up. And I was trying to explain to him, but he thought that by me noticing the douche thing that I was looking for shit. But I wasn't. I was just trying to throw a panty liner in the trash. Because I know how he examines me, sniffing and looking and all that, and I was like, Damn. So it's a lot of confusing things. I was about seventeen at this point, something like that.

I was young when I stated tricking [trading sex for cash or money]. Back in those days you didn't call it tricking, you know? You'd just hang out with a person and you'd get high and shit. You'd all would fuck and they make sure you got a little change in your pocket. So you all would say, “Damn, I got to get me some cigarettes. I got to get this much [money and drugs]. I haven't fuck.” And you sort of start asking, you know. It wasn't so much as saying, “Well hey, I'll do sex with you if you give me this.” It's like that now. It's just more blunter. Back in the days you'd just hang out with a little bitch, or I might go sit in a park and shit. And they get to rolling up. Here, twist this up. You know. You're rolling this up and you're getting high and they got a whole lot of it. You know what I'm saying? And it's like, “Damn!” [I’m real high!]. And then you go back to the house and sleep with them, and they say, “Oh, it's so pretty.” They got their little

234 things, the lights hooked up in there. Their disco lights and shit and their music playing.

And you all just sitting there chilling getting high and lunching [geeking] and everything.

Get your little drink on. The next thing you know he is starting to roll over you. You know. And the next thing, “What you trying to do?” “I don't know. I'm trying to eat that thing.” And I'm like, “Bingo!”

I've always worked, until I started getting sick. When I had a nervous breakdown and stuff like that when I was twenty five. And then the disability started setting in and stuff and then I started getting high with my feelings because I couldn't be with my kids and that's when everything went downhill. I started smoking more crack. Then here I am now.

And I started tricking a lot. I wasn't doing it at first until this guy I used to love. I didn't love him but I liked him because he used to party. Every week they had a big party and had big people come. But by then I had a taste of coke then and everybody wanted to get at me anywhere in the hood to hang. That's when them Jamaicans started coming around and all of that. So I started stepping out. That's when I started tricking and he was like, “Yeah. I knew I'd turn you.” He said, “I knew I'd get your ass started”, and he did. I guess you could say my first trick was him. And then I got pregnant and had my son.

I started doing it every day. But that was a mixture. I was like I might smoke some coke today or I might smoke some weed tomorrow and I might not smoke nothing for a month. You know. I'd get an urge to do this and do that. You know. It's like

235 spells. Like a certain amount of years I use PCP, a certain amount I'd use marijuana, and a certain amount I started smoking, and then I stopped. Then about a couple of years later I'd start again and it was like that.

Between those times I was in jail. I spent a total of about, I'd say it's been about nine or ten years in jail here and there. My very first charge was with my son's father. I was pregnant with my son, and we got arrested by jump-outs (undercover police) for buying crack. So I did like eighteen months on that charge. That's when I got raped by the U.S. Marshal and all that. I was supposed to go through a program but because I was pregnant, they put me out. So I violated, and they had a warrant out for my arrest. I ran long enough for me to have her [my daughter] and all that and then I went and turned myself in. So that was another eighteen, plus for the warrant six months.

There was a guy who was a Marshal. That was the one that walked me up to the judge's chambers for the program they kicked me out of. They got in trouble because it was a swing shift, and it was in the evening, and that man had no business escorting that one lady by hisself. It should have been a lady officer. So they knew I wasn't pregnant when I left the jail because they test you and all that kind of stuff. But when I got in the program months down the line, I wasn't coming up with my periods so they knew it was his.

When I got out of jail one time, I was at my grandmother’s house and everybody was partying and drunk and high. My son was staying with them. My grandmother was really tripping hard. All I heard my son say was, “Ahh!” And it looked like he was just a

236 little ghost because he went through the glass patio [pushed through the glass]. Then the police came there and the whole neighborhood heard the whole thing. That's the first time in my life I ever opened my mouth as far as saying, “These motherfuckers are rapist, they're child molesters.” I mean everybody got to listening because they was like, “She don't never talk.” And they was like, “Who's the child molester? Who's the rapist?”

You know, people being nosey. And all I kept saying was, “You all look out for my son when I'm gone because I know what these bitches are going to do.” I waited for the police to come. I don't even know how old my son was. I guess he was about five, six, seven. And I got into a big [fist] fight with my uncle. So I was gone again [locked up].

So it got to the point where somebody had raped my son from in the house and everything. I found all that out, but I don't know who did it. My son didn’t tell me. He didn't have to tell me because when I was going to visit him one day he put a pillow down on the couch and he sat down like this, real slow. I said, “What's wrong with you?”

He said nothing. But I could tell something was wrong with him.

So I talked to my girlfriend. I was like, “Somebody is fucking my son.” She said

“Shit. You're his mother. Ask to look at his butt.” And I went in and I said, “I'm your mother. I'm not gay and I'm not going to bother you or anything. I just want to check something out for myself. I need to see your backside. I need you to bend over for me.”

And I looked and his asshole was nothing but a big bruise and I liked to have fainted. I went the fuck off. I said, “What happened to you?” He was scared out of fear that I'm

237 going to go off and get locked up again. Out of fear of the person that did it is going to hurt me and him or whatever. You know what I'm saying?

So he's still living with them right now today. He still won't admit nothing. But I saw it for myself. I talked to people about it. I was trying to investigate it. I just went to the police. By the time the police came what I would do is go and get high and I'd come back and then try to fight all their asses. I said, “I'm going to kill all you motherfuckers.

Somebody's checking this out.” And they’d yell, “Oh, bitch. Hang up. I ain't touched your son.” That's what my grandmother used to say. I said, “You used to say that shit when you was coming up. Now it's like I told you all when them people, when you all had me locked up, if somebody fucked with my son, I told everybody to keep my kids. If anything happens to my kids while they're in your custody, I'm coming for that motherfucker and the police won't be able to stop me.” Because the system needs to be on top of that shit. And I said “I'm here. I'm going for them, for you all” and everything else. I don't give a damn. All my uncles. They were all living there. The one that raped me. The other one that I busted his head when we was fighting. My father and my step- grandfather and my grandmother.

My son is nineteen now. But he's handling his self pretty good now. He's doing much better now. He's supposed to be on medicine. And the only reason I found all that out was I was going through papers and shit in his room. My grandmother wouldn't tell me nothing. And, you know, I've been to my therapist and psychiatrist and places that

I've applied for apartments, you know. They was like, “Well, we're going to get the

238 apartment and put it in you and your son's name.” I said, “Well, my grandmother, she won't give me his social security number and all that. You going to mess me up.”

Because every place she gets in she put him on the lease so she can live cheap. I said, “I don't give a fuck if I mess you up. I don't give a fuck if you have to go to the senior citizens home. I don't give a damn. Fuck you and the rest of you all. It's about me and my kids today.”

So I done applied at different places that go according to you income. So they're waiting for, you know. I got the lawyer now. They're approved to do my case for the

SSI because they denied me and keep denying me. In their denial, they're saying because

I had a past drug history and I've been on medication since I've been home, before I came home and everything. It's for Bipolar II disorder with some melancholia features and…

Depression with some psychotic episodes. I've been in St. Elizabeth's. I've been in D.C.

General psych ward. I've been in Greater Southeast psych wards. I've been in PIW. All these places. Do you understand what I'm saying? But yet even still, even in prison I have my psychiatry records. They had all this.

I was getting psychological therapy when I was home first. And then it's like I used to receive SSI disability when I was living in sewer. I received it for years. But when I got locked up -- They cut it off. But then when I came home, I'm trying to get it in

D.C. and they been denying me over a year now. But I'm still getting IDA while I wait.

But they keeps telling me that they refuse to pay a person that has a past drug history.

They're saying they believe if I stop using drugs I won't have a mental problem.

239

My psychiatrist has wrote them letters stating that I had readily admitted that I had a problem in the past with cocaine. That has nothing to do with my mental issue because my mental disability began in early adolescent stages. He's written letters. He's done everything. And they refuse to look at that. They're still saying that they refuse to pay a drug addict., that they believe if I stop using drugs I would not have to take medication.

I've been stop taking drugs. I had my urinalysis sheets from my parole officer and everything. I have all that. So if that's the case, when I was locked up for those two and a half years I wasn't on drugs. Why was I taking medication? Why did I have to see a therapist? Since I've been home I've been seeing a therapist and I'm on triple medications now. Even since the first time I started, when they started this hearing thing, I took them all my prescription property, my prescriptions that I take. Since I've been waiting just to get the lawyer's approval I done took them another paper because they done doubled my medications because I went off on my uncle.

So I'm saying it's getting worse. And I'm not using. I got urinalysis sheets from my parole officer with clean urine along with that. So what are they still denying me for?

So the lawyer is mad. I talked to him yesterday and he said, “Well, I just want to let you know we have been approved to take your case. The thing they're waiting for is disability to give them a hearing date.” He said from what he's hearing now, because they're so backed up and the government is getting on them now, that it could be up to a year. He

240 said it could be tomorrow. It could be next month. But it could be anywhere from up to a year before you get a hearing date.

But in the same token they still have to give me $270 a month for my disability. I pay a dollar for a prescription. Because of Medicaid. They did write me Medicaid. And they granted me food stamps. I get that and I get $270 a month. And I pay my grandmother a little money. I pay the little phone bill and, you know, do the little things I can do for my kids.

The first time I had a nervous breakdown, they hospitalized me for three weeks.

The second time it was two weeks. The next time it was two weeks again. And I had all these within…they were back to back to back. Because every time I came out, and I went to go get my son, they denied me and I just lost my mind again. So it's like all the time I was getting sick because I was trying to say, “I can be a good mother to my kids.” If I had my kids I would be complete. Do you know what I mean? And I kept telling my grandmother, “You raised five no good ass sons. Let me raise my one.” Then I started getting pregnant. You know, getting raped by that Marshal and getting pregnant and all that. And it's not that I don't love my daughter. I wasn't ready for her. I didn't want another child because I was going away for so much time because they forced me. And then I was pregnant again. And they talked me into not having an abortion.

And it's not like I don't love her, like I said, but it doesn't fit in. She didn't fit in my life at that time, and the way she was conceived, I just…when she was born I wouldn't touch her. I wouldn't do anything. I was afraid to touch her because I thought I

241 would hurt her. I really thought I would actually hurt her. Because of how she came in my life. Then she looked just like him. But she's a little bit like me now, just a little bit.

But she looks just like him. She reminded me of him so much. And every time I would look at her my skin crawled. And I was like but she's an innocent child.

So I tried to hold her, but my cousin and my sister was always there and they was always around. And every time I would take her there would be all of us together.

Because they didn't trust me either. So I tried, but then when I had to turn myself in for getting into trouble and not being able to finish the program, my sister tried to keep her.

But she lost a baby in the process and all that kind of stuff, so I called my brother's mother and said, “Do you still want the baby?” Because she kept saying ‘Don't get rid of it. And we could pick the baby up in a heartbeat and you don't even have to see it. I'll raise that baby as mine.’ And I figured, I knew she would. So I just called her when she was like six months old, and I said, “Do you still want her?” And she said “We'll be there in thirty minutes.” And they was like a little later but when they got there they had a truck full of cribs and strollers. They bought all this stuff for my daughter and she has had a wonderful life. And as soon as she turned sixteen she got a brand new car. She's working and keeping her little phone. We had little problems with her because she was out having sex and it was with an older guy. We threatened him, and then we had to finally get him locked up. You know. But then, you know, we really had to get into it.

We understood after we found out she was messing around. That's why her attitude was changing like she was so grown and getting snappy and all that, and they didn't raise her

242 like that. But now she's back on track, so when she got back on track they bought her a car. You know. It was like, “Well, I bought both my sons a car when they turned a certain age, so why not her?” You know? She's a child. My child, too. So...

They had a whole room full of stuff. And she was up on these plush pillow with these bootie socks with little trimmings on it, and she looked so cute in the dress and shoes they had on her and she had this little bow thing on her head. And everywhere that lady went she was looking like this. She was putting up, you know. She was real tiny and I was like, “Oh, she's already got her. She's already attached to her.” And so I told her, “No matter what happens, don't let my family get my daughter.” And I signed the papers for her to have temporary custody of her. You know, to receive financial and medical benefits for her in any event that I get incarcerated or anything like that or die or whatever. So I signed but she was not to let my family get my kid. Get my daughter.

So I did that and went over my grandmother's house and fucked the whole house up. Because she wouldn't let me come over there with my daughter. I'm like “Bitch!

You get the apartment for you and my son and you're getting food stamps and you ain't got to pay no rent.” She was paying zero rent and getting a check for my son and getting money from me. And I can't come sleep on your floor with my daughter for a few days until I find somewhere else to go? I had never did anything wrong to this lady. I've never been disrespectful. I never used in her house. I've never taken anything from her.

I've always given. And she treated me like shit coming up and I still showed her love on top of all that. And I'm like, “Why do you…what is the problem?” And she said, “Well, a

243 year ago you had a man problem”, this, this and that. So I said okay. I took her. I went over there and went off, and they locked my ass up again. And when I was locked up they moved. I lost contact. They sent me a letter in jail saying I had one day to appear in court or they were going to grant them custody of her [my daughter]. I'm like, how am I supposed to do that in one day? They was going for permanent custody. And they couldn't find me, but by the time they found out where I was at, I only had one day to get to court and the jail needed time to prepare me to go.

So I called my cousin, and my cousin always wanted her. And she never had no girls. So they was supposed to go down to the court [inaudible]. Instead, my grandmother done called and told them, “You bring that baby over” this and that. And they already had orders not to do that. And I was like, “Bitch, you lost your mind if you think you're going to get that one the way you treated me.”

So finally I got there in time and I came out and I couldn't find her. You know.

And I was hanging out on the street then, doing my little thing and got locked up again.

But this time, not now, but before I came home, I went down to the court building and went to records and I'd been given the whole file, and I looked up in there and all that.

So I tried the number. The number wasn't the same, but the address was. I wrote a letter to the address. It just so happened that they moved. It was in that building but they moved to another apartment and the person that was in their apartment gave them the notice and she called. That's how I got in contact with my daughter again after all these years.

244

And my nineteen year old son, he's still living with my grandmother today. He just came home from jail and then he went to a program for three months. So he just came home. Yeah. But he just went to court Friday, and they put him on a year's probation. Well, the first time they caught him up at the store, and he was standing there.

They caught him with ten dime bags of coke on him, a bag of weed, and plus he was standing there drinking liquor out of bottle with no bag. That's what made them get him.

He's always saying, “Fuck the police.” That's the kind of attitude he had. He fucked with everybody. So they arrested him, and he got out. This judge, who happened to be the same judge that I had, she took a liking to me and knowing it was my son she kept letting his ass out.

The second time, I called the police on him because he was in a house. He had this girlfriend that he found out was screwing my cousin's boyfriend, which is my son's best friend. He went outside and smoked something and came in that door, and she was sitting on the couch getting all smart with him. He said, “You know what? You make me feel like really hurting you.” The next thing I know, he had his hands around that girl's neck. She was like sitting here. He grabbed her up by her neck and slung her all the way like to that door right there and he went over and he just started punching her.

Punching and dragging her all through the house. And I had my two little kids with me at the time and they was screaming and hollering because they ain't seen nothing like that.

So I called the police. I said “Look, my son went out here and smoked something. I don't know what he's doing or what he done did, but he is in here beating

245 this girl up. You gotta come and get him out of here.” And he heard me talking on the phone and came in and took the phone wires and snapped them in half and then snatched the phone out of my hand. It was like he was going to fight me. I said, “Bitch, I'm not her. You better back up!” And so he backed up. Then he'd seen all the lights and stuff flashing around. So when they got there, he'd seen all those lights and stuff, this nigger ran. So the police is sitting there and I'm talking to him. I said, “He gone, man.” And so the police was asking his name and everything and she said, “I don't want to press no charges.” She said, “I'm just going to go home.” The police said, “Well, how are you getting home?” She said she's going to go get the subway. So the police said, “Well, I can take you down there.” She had a picture of him in her phone, so they put a warrant out on him themself. They took it out. They said, “You don't have to press charges.

We're going to do it.” The white girl… There was a white and a black woman [the police]. The white woman, “Well, we just summed it up as, you know, it was a domestic violence. We’ll do just whatever, just to write it up.” The black woman said, “Hell no!

We're going to go get his ass.” Like that. So I was like, “Do what you do, because I ain't raise no child to be disrespecting no women like that. Okay.” So they found him and charged him on that.

The next time he was supposed to go into court and all this other shit and she would never show up. They just kept dragging it on and dragging it on. The next time, my uncle called and said, "Lord, I was on a bus and people on the bus was talking about this boy [my son] that was running down the street with no shirt on. First they say he was

246 riding on a bus, and he had bought a brand new phone and he threw the phone out the window and said something was wrong with it. He was munching on some boat (very high on PCP). They said he kept saying he was munching off the boat. He ran down the street and jumped on a mail truck and started beating the mailman up. And then when the police came, he kept saying, ‘Get this shit out my ass. Get this shit out my ass. There's something stuck in my butt.’ They said they pulled him and laid him across the car and pulled his pants down, put their gloves on and pulled out some twenties with a needle wrapped in the middle of it. Twenty-dollar bills, a needle in the middle of it, stuck up in his ass.” I said, “What the hell?”

The mailman never showed up in court, so that really didn't stand out too good.

So I didn't know really what took place because he was telling me one thing and then everybody was saying - so come to find out, he had heroine on him, PCP, marijuana and cocaine in his system, but he was popping ecstasy pills. But I'm still trying to figure out where the needle came from. Bottom line, I was just trying to figure out what the fuck was he doing. What was wrong with him to make him want to use all this shit?

So he went to court on that one, and the judge said, “I am so sorry. I cannot let you go because it's getting worse and worse, and you're going to hurt somebody. You're going to end up killing somebody or be killed. I can't let you go this time.” So they chucked him for five and a half months. And they put him on PC, protective custody, and he stayed there five and a half months and came home. They was taking urine because he was using everything. Every time they would take his urine it was dirty. I said, “What

247 are you going to do?” So they put him in a three-month program, and they put him on a leg monitor. So they just took the leg monitor off Friday. They sentenced him to a year's probation. For all that shit he was doing, she only gave him a year's probation. After the three months program and all of that. So frankly. I've seen him off and on since he's been home. That he's doing the right things. He has to take urines twice a week. If he fucks up, that's on him. And they're not going to put him in the whole program.

The next step is back to jail. But I can't run his life for him. He's barely a man. He has kids. I was there for his child when his child was born. I was there for all that.

There for my grandkids.

I'm on a year's probation and I still got three year’s parole. It's all blended together, so after the three years parole I'm free. But I'll take a urine test sometimes once a month. It's part of parole. I've been on this once. This is my third time. And actually I take one on the 12th. But after you do that about five or six times, then they put you on randoms. That means from that time for the next three years, they can call me anytime they want and say, “I want to take a urine.” Or they come to the house where the house is and say, “Just cut me some urine.” You've got to pee with a female [presenting a cup] and give it back. I see my parole officer twice. Every two weeks I go down there and see him. Let him know what's going on with me or whatever. Then I just leave. I don't have to go see no other people there. Like tomorrow I have to go downtown. I have a twenty- five hour community service, and the people finally gave me a date to come in to register for it and that's tomorrow.

248

[I stay clean and out of trouble by] remembering that jail cell. Remembering how if I take a hit, I'm going to be out there. How I'm going to slip up and run into the police.

How everything that I've worked so hard to accomplish with just my respect from my kids and respect from people that keep my kids and, you know, respect from HIPS. You know. Respect from my parole officer, respect from the judge, everywhere. You know.

From my family.

They give me my respect when I come through there. It's like I got my life back and I'm not willing to give that up for a fucking blow of smoke. Now I'm not going to tell you I don't want it. There's times when I think about it deeply, but before I go out there and make that move, something always happens. And it's very scary. But I just keep saying to myself, and I think of the reason, things that might take place that might make me want to do that, and I say is it that great of a deal to make me go out like that? I don't think so. Because you can work through things. And if you get to the heart of the issue and really think about it, it ain't worth doing nothing to you.

I always liked strangers. I remember going down the street one day and there was this little old lady sitting up on her porch. And I said “Miss, I really feel like killing myself right now and I don't have nobody to talk to.” But I said, “I'm not coming up to you to cause trouble, I'm going to come to your porch. But I just needed to talk to somebody.” And the lady said, “Baby, whatever it is, it's not worth your life.” And she was talking and I said “Thank you.” Because you know what? And I said it to myself,

“I can't be afraid.”

249

The listening ear can be a save to someone's life. That's what I used to do. I used to just stop and talk with people. And they liked it. Then I just started sitting and talking to my damn self. I said, “God's listening or somebody.” I mean I could see a damn ant and say, “Listen, if you be hanging around you can hear me.” You know. I might not hear you but you can hear me. And I say, “God will bring somebody to me with a message”. He's going to bring an issue or a situation or a vision or something. Or just a feeling that makes me know I'm here.

And I think about my mother. I think about my grandmother on my mother's side.

I think about people that's dead. You know what I'm saying? I know they're dead. And I think, you know, I say I can rely on the strength of them. But if I lay down to die today or tomorrow, I know they're going to, they're going to, you know, protect me, whether it's a spirit or a soul or whatever.

I'm proud of staying clean. Just everything. You know. But I'm proud of God mostly. God is what I'm a fan of. I'm proud of Him really, for holding on and helping me go through things. I'm proud of my children, too. My son's been through a lot, you know. All of them have been through a lot. I'm proud of a lot of people that stuck by me when I wasn't even giving a damn, didn't care what they thought or whatever. And I was heartless. And I really feel bad and I apologized to them for my behavior and my non- caring sense. But I never learned how to care. I tried, but from a distance. I wouldn't let you love me, but I could show you a little bit of something, something, something but… now I'm learning. I'm getting in tune with my feelings. It's different now.

250

If I could go anywhere back in time, I would go to the beginning. Before I was even born. I would be born all over again. There's a lot of things I have not done. I've been through a lot of confusion and jail and drugs and street life. And now I'm to the point where I want to start doing all these things. I just started going to museums and doing things like that with my kids and started doing all that. I want to go someplace. I want to do some things. And it's coming. It's coming my way in time. Right now I'm trying to build up my little tiny wardrobe. In ten years I see myself in a house. The one that has my car. A nice bank account, and I'm going to start there. Right there. This year I'm going to have a party for my birthday. I’ll be forty.

I wanted to be a nurse. But that didn't work out. They wouldn't accept me because of my -- they wouldn't accept me in school because of my illegal background. So that kind of hurt me. That's when I was trying to get into that school the first time. And other than that, it's nothing that I really, really will want to do.

Actually, I want to have another baby really, and I want to breastfeed the baby. I want to do everything with my child. But I want to get married. Just one more time.

One more time so I could raise it all by myself and with a father that loves the child, doesn't have any children and really wants the baby. I want that. That's the main thing I want in my life. I want that from beginning to end. I just want it. It's just like I have so much, so much to give, and I've been through so much and I've observed and learned, and

I think I would be a perfect parent if I could, you know. I could be, I could start whenever I am. It's just going to take time because I have to go back and really know

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their ways and stuff like that. But I could start where ever I am. I'm very, very versatile

and I could deal with any situation. But to start from the beginning, going through that

bond, you know? Oh, man. I never breast fed. I want to do all that. I want to do the

whole nine yards. To be able to say, “Honey”, you know, and have my honey there. And

to know he's my husband and he's waiting to have my child. It's a dream for me. That's

what I want more than anything in the world.

My doctor said I can, health wise. He said I'm good for plenty more. So I have

one candidate. And he's in a drug program going through transition now. Because he has no children and he's perfect with my kids. And they love him so much. If he could come out and be strong like me, you know. But he just admitted to me that he had been using, and that was a big step. So I'm like I better know now what to deal with, how to help him, how to encourage him and things like that. It's a sticky situation. It's going to take time.

To really, really see what's going on. Because I don't want to deal with a drug addict. I don't want to do that. And one thing I could say about him, even though he was using, he stayed away while he did it. But financial wise, if I ever needed anything, he came running.

He lies and he builds himself up so we can have a baby and all, but the whole time he just couldn't get it up because he was too damn high. But I didn't know it. I didn't know it then. I knew something was going on. Like wait a minute, hold it. I said, “The system keeps putting you in a program. They keep putting you on leg monitors and you're still on twice a week urine. Man, what are you doing?” He said, “I don't know

252 why.” He kept saying that. So I faked him out and told him that I got ahold of his urinalysis record for my own to work the system. I said, “I'm not evening going to tell you what's going on. I want you to tell me.” I said, "It's time for you to come clean. If you really want a relationship to work between us, you want me to accept you back in my life. I can't do it by myself. You have to help yourself to help me to help you.”

So he admitted it. “I was using. Every time you said you really want me or, you know, you was on the phone with your [drug using] friend or this, this and that, I went out and used and was getting high with powder and I smoked a few rocks here and there.”

And I was like, “I am so proud of you, because that took a lot to be honest with me because you didn't know whether I was going to turn away and walk.” But he was there for me when I was doing that. He didn't leave me. And it's not that I feel obligated to him, but in a sense I do. Because he really needs me right now. And I'm like every time he calls there [his drug using friend] or whatever [other drug using friends or dealers], he gets on my nerves. And he’ll call me after that. And he'll call me back and back and back. It don't have to be about nothing. And he just wants to hear my voice. I'm like, “Look”. And he says, “Shhh...that's all right.”

Chapter Eight:

Community and Concern

All of my Failures. Painting by Steve Archer

Throughout this text I present salient issues that African American women face in

Washington, D.C. concerning childhood abuse, violence and HIV. I also offer ways to define these issues as they relate to the ever-present violence experienced by the women whom I conducted research with. In Chapter Five I presented the case study of Cathy - her experiences, traumas and networks. Chapters Six and Seven build on Chapter Five

253 254 and further illustrated the life situations of the researched women. In this chapter, I return to the structures of violence theme as described in Chapter Two in my discussion of Philippe Bourgois’ definitional framework: the direct political, structural and symbolic levels of violence that women must deal with in their lives.

In Chapter Five I detailed a case study of one woman (Cathy) as a means of illustrating her individual network dynamics and issues observed within the family level of her networks. Although Cathy’s story can show us many aspects of her life, networks and challenges, it cannot give us the whole picture; it does not exist within a vacuum.

It is also useful to situate her life within a larger scale of reference. I will do this first by examining neighborhood issues, focusing on how instances of “concern” play out in the everyday and how they are expressed in a public discourse. This will help to gain some perspective on the macro social dynamics - the ebbs and flows of tensions and meanings.

We must step away from “ego” family networks, to examine different spaces within the lives of the subject women. The research area was described in detail in

Chapter Four. I also described the more experiential aspects of data collection, in the

Shots Fired section of that same chapter. Some of these subjects will be revisited, but new ones must be addressed, including violence, social space and meaning, and the cybernetics 1 of network communication, symbolism and identity.

In Chapter Five I examined influences within the ego-centric and family networks by focusing on Cathy’s case study. It is important to note that her life is also situated

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within larger network frameworks of the city and neighborhoods where she and her

networks live, work, play, use drugs, have sex, perpetrate or are victims of violence.

Neighborhoods are communities, and thus networks. Their residents share some

beliefs, knowledge, and meanings. Although residents certainly disagree on many things,

they and their neighbors still occupy the same physical space. The contrasts are strong

today as gentrification 2 sweeps through the neighborhood where my research took place.

Resident points of view are also influenced by much broader structural network issues - to include national and global, political, social, and historical forces.

Methodologically and theoretically, a discussion of Washington, D.C. must consider the surrounding regional area. Many who work in D.C. do not live in D.C., and a large portion of money that drives the City’s economy is not produced by workers who live within the city. Conversely, much of Washington, D.C.’s pay for labor goes to people who do not live in the city; the money they earn drives economies outside of

Washington, D.C. proper. The upscale suburbs surrounding Washington, D.C. - such as

Montgomery County, Maryland and Arlington and Fairfax Counties in Virginia - actually rely on income their residents earn working in Washington, D.C. Within the last ten years, gentrification has driven some change, which I shall discuss later in this chapter.

To situate the women of this study in a neighborhood or city shaped by complex politics is not an easy task. I will focus on the local ethnographic story at hand. In the next section I will address a concept central to understanding networks - understanding symbols and meanings within and assigned to spaces and times. Many things that have

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meaning within the lives of individuals are associated with spaces and occur at specific

times. The first time for punctuated life incidents - romance, sex, food, a concert, birth or

death of a loved one, or even a rape - take place within the communities where we live,

often called neighborhoods.

Analyzing the ego and my example subject Cathy from Chapter Five - living her

life and experiencing things that brought her both joy and pain - within a neighborhood

can help us to imagine her life holistically, and situate her within a larger ethnographic

framework that also encompasses her neighbors. Cathy has been forced to endure the

personal horror of childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse, neglect, struggles

with drug use, addiction, prostitution and associated violence within social structure. She

suffers it all within a violent social context. This context digs into the very core of

neighborhoods and affects all who live there. This is the habitus of terror .

This Chapter will focus more directly upon issues of violence, representations of the Self, community politics, tensions, struggles and strife. All the women who participated in this research have had to deal with these challenges daily, as members of larger social community within a major city; our central focus here will be murder and fear of it. Surrounding this focus are the issues that fuel it, including politics, gentrification, racism, ethnic identity and barriers to inclusiveness.

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Space and Meaning

“Thirty-one-year-old Neil Godleski, a biology student, was only about a half-mile from home when he was fatally shot in Sherman Circle NW, about 12:30 a.m. Sunday.” Posted on www.TBD.com August 22 nd , 2010 3

Candlelight Vigil for Neil Godleski - 8pm August 26 th , 2010 - Photo by Todd Pierce

“Detectives from the Metropolitan Police Department’s Homicide Branch are investigating a fatal shooting which occurred in the Unit block of Sherman Circle, NW.

On Sunday, August 22, 2010, shortly after 12:30 a.m., units responded to the Unit Block of Sherman Circle, NW to a report of a shooting. Upon their arrival, they located a victim suffering from gunshot wounds. DC Fire and Emergency Medical Services arrived and transported the victim to a local area hospital where he was pronounced dead.” Posted on www.PrinceOfPetworth.com 4

The same weekend The Prince of Petworth local blog posted (ibid):

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“In other disturbing crime news: On Fri. night/Sat. morning there was a shooting in Shaw.

From MPD:

“An adult male was shot at 8th and R St NW at approximately 3:00 am. He was transported to an area hospital in stable condition.”

Also on Fri. night / Sat. morning there was a shooting in Columbia Heights.

From MPD:

“An adult male was shot in the 3000 block of 14 St NW and was transported to an area hospital in stable condition.” (ibid)

Social space and meaning are important aspects of neighborhood life. The case of Neil Godleski’s murder highlights this on several levels. Sherman Circle is a social symbol for those who live near it; the park within the circle is beautiful - a green space in an otherwise sparsely-vegetated area of the city. It is a place for people to enjoy a sunny day or a nice walk, to meet neighbors or friends, a place for a picnic, children to play, to walk a dog. It is a civil space to which people around the world can relate. From small towns to large cities, parks represent such concepts such as civic freedom, safety and communal unity.

Since the Godleski murder, this symbol and its meaning has changed for many who include Sherman Circle Park in their daily world. One woman who lives across the street from the Park, in tears at Godleski’s candlelight vigil, expressed how for her the

Park will never be the same. It will never mean the same thing for her, and she will never be able to walk through it again without thinking of this terrible tragedy. Several vigil

259 attendees made comments about the level of violence in the area, and how the youth need more guidance (mentoring, keeping them off the streets where they might end up committing a crime or being a victim), community involvement, and police presence. “It takes a village” was a phrase spoken often at the vigil, in reference to lowering youth crime in the area.

A prominent issue was raised by those who attended the vigil and who live near

Sherman Circle: lighting at the Park. Sherman Circle is large, with many mature trees.

But after the sun goes down it is very dark in the park, raising serious safety concerns.

One longtime resident said he knows of three people killed in the park, with Godleski being the fourth. This resident reported several others who have been mugged or shot or otherwise wounded and survived. Many of these incidents are never reported to the

Washington, D.C. police.

The neighbors have asked the city on several occasions for proper lighting on the circle, but the park falls under Federal jurisdiction. Lights must be authorized and funded by the Federal government, even though risk is clearly experienced by city residents. Neil

Godleski is only one unfortunate victim of a failed bureaucratic system that resulted in his untimely death

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Candlelight vigil for Neil Godleski - 9pm August 26 th , 2010 - Photo by Todd Pierce

Murder of thirty-one-year-old Catholic University biology major Neil Godleski sparked a debate which raged on social forums, like the neighborhood blog Prince of

Petworth (PoP). Among the 100-plus responses to the initial report of the murder, one saw again the important and longstanding issue of gentrification. As people and money move back into the inner city after decades of flight, there is the drop in crime. Part of this debate was reflected in the POP blog responses to the Godleski murder (Ibid). Blog posts below begin with someone’s response to an earlier post:

Original Post: Why, then, is it so bad if more of the folks who rely on social services move to other jurisdictions? The District was/has been overwhelmed with a disproportionate, unsustainable share of that segment of the population for too long.

First Response: Because creating dumping grounds / de facto containment zones for the poor isn’t an effective way of dealing with poverty or the problems that it causes (from a purely practical standpoint – leaving aside any ethical concerns.)

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What’s happening does not seem to be a more even distribution of poor people across the region, but just their – slow, ongoing – wholesale displacement from DC. For those of us who have friends and family who live and work in neighboring jurisdictions, the offloading of DC’s criminals (along w/the many poor people who are, obviously, just trying to get by) isn’t really a source of comfort.

Ultimately, this kind of shell game has to stop if we’re serious about reducing the number of incidents like the one described in this post. I don’t pretend that it’s possible to do away w/them altogether, but DC’s appalling laxity w/juvenile offenders, apparently worthless DYRS programs, and broken, degrading “safety net” (see, for example, the disgusting, soul-crushing family shelter at DC General) aren’t helping mitigate the conditions that make them happen.

PG and Charles aren’t any better – Passing the buck is just going to mean more problems and more danger a few miles away. It isn’t a solution.

An important, related problem is the displacement of working people that the District’s economy is dependent on along w/the poor. Few people working minimum wage – or slightly above – service jobs are going to be able to afford to commute (even short distances, in some cases, given Metro fares.) This city just will not work as an enclave of the wealthy – we need real leadership to thrive, not the usual race/class bating, developer coddling, and crowing about phony, market-driven “progress.”

Response to First Response: Your last paragraph there is quite sensible and I find it agreeable, but you started that post with way more heart than head. After all, DC was the “dumping ground / de facto containment zone for the poor.” It is right that that should end, even in an inelegant manner.

The idea that anyone here should care that some suburban areas are feeling more pain is…well, you are just making my point. I am not suggesting that gentrification is any kind of overall solution to crime, but why should anyone carry an unfair share of any particular burden?

Response Two: Your last paragraph there is quite sensible and I find it agreeable, but you started that post with way more heart than head. After all, DC was the “dumping ground / de facto containment zone for the poor.”

Right – and it has been an almost complete disaster as such, esp. in the early 90s. Merely shunting the poor to another, suburban location won’t be any different (have you been to Oxon Hill or Fort Washington lately?)

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My point here is that if we want fewer murders and fewer robberies as a *metro area*, we need criminal justice systems that punish juvenile crime seriously, and social services networks that work seriously to prevent it from happening in the first place. Right now we have neither, and a lot of tacit passing the buck.

I work in PG, as do a lot of other folks who live in DC – offloading the pain vs. finally admitting that it has to be confronted in a meaningful way does most of us no real good.

Response Three: No doubt. I’d say the difference between us now – on this – is only that you are more optimistic than I am.

Response Four: Actually, I’m not even a little bit optimistic – I know that there’s just going to be a papering over of the problem w/gentrification, and no real progress in DC re: policing or social services.

End of blog post.

With the help of a witness and good police work, the person who killed Neal

Godleski was apprehended in early October 2010. The killer was only seventeen, and was in and out of the “system” for many years. Before leaving to find someone to kill, he reportedly told a friend he was going out to “get some”: Get some blood of a person, is sadly what he meant. He fired several rounds at Neal Godleski as he biked past. Neal fell to the ground. As he struggled to stand, the killer shot a few more times, dropping

Neal dead on the spot. The killer then rummaged through Neal’s pockets and took $60 he found there. The same gun had been used earlier that day by a friend of Neal’s killer to shoot a different person. They reportedly passed the gun around to “get some”. One can imagine the community outrage hearing the motives of these two youths. Within two months several other people were shot in that area, resulting in one additional death.

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From the DC Metro Police Department website, reposted on Wikipedia.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Dchomicidechart.svg

“As of Friday, D.C. police reported 69 homicides this year, compared with 84 at this time last year. If the trend persists, the year would end with 115. That would be well below last year's 143, which was the least since 1966.” - Martin Weil, The Washington Post Saturday, August 7, 2010 5

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When I first started research in Washington, D.C. in the early 1990’s, the City was still the “murder capital” of the United States with just under 150 murders in 1991.

2010 is projected to end with fewer than 150 homicides. Some argue that gentrification is a good thing for a city that has had to carry an unbalanced burden of almost every possible social challenge. Washington, D.C. is not part of a state and does not have the support of large state coffers, as do Maryland and Virginia. Today, the injection of cash via gentrification, as well as the replacement of traditionally low-income living areas by expensive condominium complexes, have pushed many of the poor to less desirable areas of the Maryland and Virginia suburbs.

As noted earlier and represented in the charts above, Washington, D.C. murder rates have dropped considerably over the past decade. Homicide rates have been in decline since the mid 1990’s. Although as the city appears to have become safer overall, some crimes have climbed back to early 1990’s numbers within the neighborhoods of focus for this research 6. In 2008, the Washington Post reported:

There are more robberies per capita in the District than in New York, Los Angeles and other large cities. And robbers are traveling farther from home to strike, according to police officials. During the first six months of the year, about 40 percent of juveniles arrested in robberies and other crimes in neighborhoods just north of downtown did not live there, police said.

The city's robbery core is in the 3rd Police District, which includes the neighborhoods of Columbia Heights, Adams Morgan, Mount Pleasant, Dupont Circle and Logan Circle. It is the city's smallest, densest police district and accounts for almost 30 percent of robberies.

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"It's always been a major problem," said D.C. Council member Jim Graham (D-Ward 1), whose constituents complain daily about the crimes. "But it wasn't anywhere near as serious as it is today." 7

It is certainly understandable that crimes, other than murder, are of great concern

to neighborhood residents. As more higher-income people moving into the city over the

past decade, crimes of robbery have skyrocketed. Many of these robberies take place

within the neighborhoods in which I have conducted research, and are daily looming over

the heads of residents.

Community, Structure and Innocence

In my discussion about the communal meanings of spaces, like the park at

Sherman Circle, I have illustrated how certain locations can carry symbolic meanings for

those who passing through. These spaces have moments of communal meaning, such as

a neighborhood street festival like Adams Morgan Day.

Held in early September each year, it is an event that draws tens of thousands of

people from within and well beyond the neighborhood to its main corridor, 18 th Street.

Here revelers experience the arts, foods and music of the neighborhood while mingling with friends, neighbors or strangers up and down eight blocks cordoned off for festivalgoers on foot. One sees young professionals, skate-boarding punk rockers, b-boy hip-hop dancers, arts and crafts vendors, games and activities for children, live bands on multiple stages, DJs set up in side parks. The doors of the dozens of bars and restaurants

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are open early for business. It is a true D.C. celebration, and happens only once a year.

But Adams Morgan Day 2010 will not soon be forgotten.

Sometimes unexpected things happen in a neighborhood that shock not only those

present, but also those who live across the city and region. One of those situations with a

broad, lasting impact happened in the heart of the Adams Morgan neighborhood. Most of

the D.C. violence discussed thus far has been interpersonal (between people) and with

such regularity within the city that the commonness of the violence is almost normalized

with the society’s ethos. Gunfire, killings, muggings and rape are almost expected. On

Sunday Sept 12 th , 2010 a different kind of violence provoked an outcry from one D.C. community that echoed throughout the city, and even the globe via the internet.

Networks - and more importantly modern online social networking - offers new meaning and resources to shared experience.

At midday during the Adams Morgan Day Festival, in the center of 18 th Street, a

D.C. police officer shot and killed someone’s dog. The shooting occurred in plain sight

of hundreds – perhaps thousands - of people, including many young children. Pictured

above is the officer with his knee on the subdued dog’s back, while other officers watch

the scene unfold.

A spokesperson for the owner of the dog (Owner’s name is Aaron; dog’s name is

Parrot), spoke with the local blog DCist.com (Posted by A. Morrissey on Sept 12 th , 2010)

and had this to say about what happened:

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“Today, there was an unexpected scuffle between Parrot and a poodle. Aaron subdued Parrot, who was wearing both a leash and a harness. To do so, he placed his hands in Parrot's mouth and held it open, which he has done when Parrot gets overexcited when romping in the apartment. As it had in the past, this calmed Parrot down.

At this point, the policeman knocked Aaron off of Parrot. The policeman put his knee in the middle of Parrot's back while pulling Parrot's forelegs behind him, as one would do with an armed criminal. Without waiting to determine whether this technique would calm Parrot, the policeman grabbed Parrot, lifted him off the ground, and brought him to the top of the concrete staircase. He threw Parrot over the banister, down twelve steps, and onto the concrete floor. Then, the policeman stood at the top of the stairs, drew his weapon, and executed Parrot. Aaron cannot recall the number of shots fired.” 8

A picture of Parrot moments before he was shot dead by a DC police officer on 18 th Street on Adams Morgan Day, Sunday September 12 th , 2010 – Photo taken by DCist Blogger “Darcycat1” http://dcist.com/profile/Darcycat1

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Following initial reports, a firestorm of social network and blog posts hit the internet like a bomb, with eye-witness reports and photos of the scene taken before and after the incident. These posts were followed by thousands of reply posts from others who were there, but mostly from other outraged residents of the city and from around the world. Beyond the hundreds of comments arguing whether the officer was in the right, many posts described the horror on the faces and terror undoubtedly in the minds if those who witnessed the brutal slaying. Many were young children attending the festival with their parents, who saw Parrot suffering and finally dying for half an hour. Media reports and social network posts were quickly followed by official police statements, first defending the officer, then confirming a follow-up investigation in progress. Though this shooting was a shocking event to witness by festival attendees, it didn’t affect the overall success of or feelings about the event, as one D.C. blogger states:

“There was a ton of energy at this event and I really enjoyed it. It's the best street festival in DC. The organizers deserve much credit – I can't imagine the amount of volunteer effort and dedication that must go into making this festival happen. It's one of the things that make you feel good about living in DC.

The dog incident isn't a defining event for this festival. It's really an anomaly to what has been a year-after-year success.” 9

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The authors of most social network posts related to this event feel that the officer will not be charged or even penalized, as has been learned through experience when a

Washington, D.C. officer presents his side and the other side is dead. The officer will be judged innocent and Parrot guilty. The children who were present have lost a degree of innocence in their lives, to be replaced by nightmares. The neighborhood will struggle through social discourse and collective frustration and pain. Meanwhile the city government will do its best to distract residents with other issues. It is an election year, and many are in a fight to maintain political positions within Washington, D.C.’s limited self-rule government structure.

Incidents such as this one at the 2010 Adams Morgan Day Festival illustrate all four levels of Bourgois’ structures of violence. We will not see this incident included in measures of D.C. violence, however. Parrot was only a dog.

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Culture, Community and Cybernetic Networks

Infographic by Ethan Bloch on Aug 5, 2010 10

The popularity of social media is undeniable – three of the world’s most popular brands online are social-media related (Facebook, YouTube and Wikipedia) and the world now spends over 110 billion minutes on social networks and blog sites . This equates to 22 percent of all time online or one in every four and half minutes. For the first time ever, social network or blog sites are visited by three quarters of global consumers who go online, after the numbers of people visiting these sites increased by 24% over last year. The average visitor spends 66% more time on these sites than a year ago, almost 6 hours in April 2010 versus 3 hours, 31 minutes last year. - Neilson, June 15, 2010 11

Social media networks such as Facebook, Twitter, submission sites (like Reddit), local blog websites (like Prince of Petworth), MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online

Role-Playing Games like World of Warcraft) and mainstream news media mesh with and are intricate parts of physical space networks (which I will here call real-life networks, to

271 distinguish between face to face networks and online networks). Online networking is a primary source of social communication for some; for others it is purely entertainment.

For anthropologists it adds a whole new dimension to social inquiry that cannot be ignored. Many people use online social networking to find employment, information about their hobbies, and express opinions on anything from food to politics, finding sex partners, relationships, and even marriage partners. Cyber networks can be even more powerful than real-life or face-to-face networks. People often have a greater sense of freedom, or openness, brazenness, and / or anonymity when posting their thoughts, ideas, comments and critiques within electronic formats.

What we find in many of these social media is social conflict. These conflicts can be cordial, rude, degrading or controversial. The heated coffee shop political talk from a decade or two ago has a new format through social media like blogs, submission, online news, and social networking sites. When the face-to-face linguistic and body language cues that might indicate that a conversation should loosen up, lighten up, or calm down cannot be read in cyberspace, boundaries disappear. When people have heated arguments online, or when one persona socially damages the other online – a meeting in real-space can have dire consequences. In recent years we have seen myriad news reports and law suits contributable to the rise of online “bullying” and other forms of harassment that carry over into “real time” social lives and networks.

When tragedy (like the murder of the Catholic University student or the shooting of a pet at a street festival) strikes, we see a plethora of online discussions. Comments

272 may come from those who knew the victims or were eye-witnesses to a crime - or from strangers from the neighborhood, the city, or far beyond. Some comments are directly related to the incident. Others encompass a wider range of related issues, such as gentrification. This brings our concept of “network” and network analysis to a whole new level. It forces us to meld our views of real-life and online networks into one cybernetic view of social networks.

Protest graffiti at Georgia Avenue & Monroe Streets, NW DC July 13 th , 2010 Photo Posted on Facebook by LaShara Shay Moore

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Below I give an example of how tragedy and social networks combine in real and in cyber networks, as well as how they play out socially in both realms. Here is an example of how an incident creates social “debate” and community frustration, a tragedy that begets more tragedy.

Death at a Funeral

Gunman’s overturned car, U Street, October 28, 2010 - Photo posted on TBD.com 12

Chaos broke out in the busy U Street corridor of northwest Washington on Tuesday, with a shooting and a subsequent car crash that left at least one person dead near a funeral for a young woman who was recently shot to death. – Washington Times, September 28 th , 2010 13

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On September 27 th , 2010 twenty-one year old Ashley McRae, an African

American woman who grew up impoverished but apparently healthy and happy, finished her shift at Commander Salamander in Georgetown and headed out to a nightclub in

Northeast DC to celebrate a friend’s birthday. In the very early hours of September 28 th ,

McRae was found dead in her car on a street in Southeast D.C. She had been fatally shot by a male friend in an incident described as a possible domestic dispute.

At her afternoon funeral ten days later there were present several of the deceased’s friends or acquaintances from rival “crews” 14 or local gangs. When the funeral services were finished and people were leaving, several individuals were shot outside, victims of a drive by shooting. One person was dead, one critically injured, hundreds terrified as they attended the funeral or were going about their busy days on heavily trafficked U Street near 13 th Street. The scene was chaotic, with shots ringing out, several parked cars hit by fleeing vehicles, the car of the “shooters” slamming into a truck and flipping over, people fleeing in all directions. The massive police response and media blitz lasted well into the evening.

To us, it may seem horribly ironic to have people die at a funeral. However, it happens several times a year in Washington, D.C. At the funeral for Jamal Coates, the twenty-one year old killed at Ashley McRae’s funeral; police were out in full force, along with Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms (ATF) agents with bomb-sniffing dogs. Crowds were controlled, cars were searched, and no one else was killed. Arrests were eventually

275 made for both the murders of McRae and Coates. Two young people are dead; two will spend the rest of their lives in prison.

The familiar social dramas that play out in Washington, D.C. streets do not take place alone within the networks of those directly involved. They embrace the city within a dark cloud of community tensions and divergent discourses. The more public tensions and discourses play themselves out in the media - on television, in newspapers, on blogs and community websites very similar to these examples. Just like that of Neal Godleski,

Ashley McRae’s murder sparked blog debates about current gentrification issues in

Washington, D.C. One comment exemplifies that of many others: “It still irritates me that the level of outrage over violence seems to be commensurate with real estate value”(PrinceofPetworth.com Blog response, September 28 th , 2010 15 ). People understandably get angry as their property values decline when someone is robbed, raped, shot or murdered nearby.

In the wake of Ashley McRae’s murder and the violence that followed, the local blogs were on fire. One post suggested that the D.C. Police use modern social media networking to “…cross reference her friends with known crews” (followed by a link to her Facebook profile page) “…then see who’s been beefing.” (ibid) Examples like this one show the intersection of real and cyberspace networks (very much in “real time” and just as strong as real networks in many ways), as well as crime, crime prevention and legal networks. In many ways there is no difference between “real” and cyber networks.

The “cyber” aspect is just a tool of technology and communication among what “real”

276 networks of people who know each other in personal real time, but access technology to get and give information within their social networks and even strengthen their social bonds.

A few articles about Jamal Coates, his life and death, triggered varied responses in The Washington Post “comment” section, ranging from “Why is this happening to our youth?” to “Good riddance; the world is better off without people like him.” Most leaned toward the latter. Below are some typical comments 16 on one of the published articles

(Washington Post, October 1, 2010 17 ).

Comment One: “I found the article thought provoking and was struggling to find some type of consensus in my mind between my feelings of despair and disgust. Then I started reading the comments posted here and found the lack of sympathy for Jamal both surprising and further to my surprise, justified.”

From the information presented, he was a "bad apple" and society is probably a little better off with one less "punisher" around. For whatever reasons, he was a product of his choices. As for Byron Davis, maybe a comment from my long deceased grandmother will help. "Son, some folks just need to be dead"

Comment Two: “There's no good answer to how you save a young man like Coates. Often it's just too late. You can try, but that's it.

The focus should be on changing how Coates got that way. And there is an answer to that. You don't have children unless you intend to raise them the right way--mother, father, family, security--and have the means to do so-- education, job, prospects, values.”

Comment Three: “The Post has now published two favorable opinion pieces on the loss of a local young man due to violent gang activity. I will not miss him from my world. I am not an inhumane or a heartless individual, and am sure his friends and family members are rightfully grieving. Jamal Coates was a drug dealer and an aggressive member - if

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not leader - of a violent gang headquartered in my neighborhood. He was a real bad dude who was part of a violent society. There are few exit options from such circles - one of them a violent death. It is a shame that police officers familiar with this young man are not allowed or willing to write such opinion pieces to give a little balance here. While I sympathize with the authors who recollect favorably on a younger Jamal, who claim he is a victim of society's ills, we all have choices to make in life.”

This chapter has addressed two concepts I believe vital to the understanding of

“networks”. The first is that we must understand an ego-centric network in relation to

community level networks like those within a neighborhood, and address related issues

found within that stratum of analysis. Second, we must understand the dynamic interplay

between modern forms of representations of the self and communication, expression,

discourse and dialogue found within online “communities.” It is intimately related to the

communities and networks that are the focus of this type of research.

In Chapter Five I discussed how one woman can find her life overwhelmed by

violence in many ways; in the present chapter I have attempted to situate her life within a

wide context of community violence. Chapter Nine will look at several other levels of

network consideration, as well as issues of social symbolism, the threat of disease, and

the propagation of risk within socio-cultural microstructures.

I end this chapter with two posts on The Prince of Petworth local blog

(www.PrinceofPetworth.com) from October 3 rd and 6 th , 2010 - about a week after murder victim Ashley McRae’s funeral. They summarize the concerns of the neighborhood level of community networks, and illustrate the world in which women like research subject

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Cathy must negotiate and survive. I have removed many embedded “hyperlinks” leading to related stores:

October 3 rd 2010: Shootings in Petworth and Park View Sat. Night/Sun. Morning

More insanity from Shepherd St, NW. Thanks to all the readers who wrote in about the following incidents. This a very upsetting time for those who live nearby as these incidents seem to be becoming common place. This makes the 3rd shooting around Shepherd St and New Hampshire in approximately three weeks. I certainly hope at the very very minimum a regular patrol is put in place on this street. I don’t care if people don’t like my use of the term but it seems clear to me that some sort of war is going on between crews/gangs. Even if they are stupid kids that are not very organized, this many shootings on the same street indicates some sorta war to me. It reminds me a little bit of the multiple shootings on 14th St, NW in Columbia Heights last year that took place in a very short time period. It was also gang/crew related but that makes it no less frightening when you realize one of these days these bullets are going to hit an innocent bystander. I only hope the police, the political leadership, the community etc can do something before this happens.

From MPD [D.C. police]:

“Units received a call for sounds of gunshots around 10:15 pm in the area of the 4000 blk of 4th Street, NW. A male victim was located suffering from a gunshot wound and has been transported to an area hospital for treatment. Officers are still on the scene sorting out the details and canvassing for witnesses.”

From MPD:

“At approximately 1am this morning, members of the Third District were called to the rear of the 600 block of Harvard, NW for the sounds of gunshots. Arriving units found two adult males suffering from gunshots wounds inside of the actual alley. Both males were transported to local hospitals where one of the males succumbed to his injuries.” 18

October 6 th : Another Brazen Daytime Shooting in Petworth

This awful brutal insane shooting war continues. Around 4:15 or 4:30pm there were multiple shots on the 4000 block of 4th St, NW. This is right near a shooting that took place Sat. night, not to mention the previous shootings that have occurred over the past 3 weeks around Shepherd St, NW.

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Again, this shooting is that much more frightening because it took place in the daytime when parents are literally walking and pushing their children in strollers. I just returned from the scene and I must’ve seen around 20 of those white cards indicating shells on the ground. Nearby residents believe a car may have been involved in the shooting. This is terrifying.

I’ve gotten emails from multiple residents who are scared, angry, frightened and absolutely fed up. That’s pretty much all I can say in this post. Everyone is fed up. The situation is horrible. It appears nobody was hit this afternoon so there is not likely to be a large media reaction. I don’t mean to question tactics but clearly something has got to change. Can tactics help mitigate what is clearly a gang/crew war with retaliation after retaliation? 19

Notes for Chapter Eight

1 I use this term not only in the more classic “cybernetic” theoretical reference, but also with reference to “cyborg” theoretical reference (which are historically related, but often at odds within several theoretical camps). Both theoretical perspectives have long histories of development and cannot be fully addressed here. For the purposes of this research, I am considering them thus: In cybernetics we think of organically building communications systems or relationships (in the case of social networks) that build upon themselves, change and grow. Within the cyborg aspect we can evaluate how social networks are developed, maintained, and evolve with the assistance of Internet communication technologies via a host of physical technologies like computers or “droid” phones that humans utilize to interface with on-line networks. In the cyborg it is the exo-interface of technology outside the human body: The human and Internet technologies, and how they interface must be addressed when examining social networks.

2 Gentrification is the process of wealthier residents moving into a city or neighborhood and displacing poorer residents in those neighborhoods. There are many theories in anthropology, sociology, political science and other disciplines discussing this concept that are to extensive to discuss here. In Washington, D.C. gentrification has been occurring in steady waves since the early 1990’s , but gained much momentum in the late 1990’s with the revitalization of the U Street neighborhood, which spurred the very rapid gentrification of the Columbia Heights neighborhood in the in the early 2000’s to the present. Gentrification in the city has also been the result of the rise in housing costs in some of the suburban towns around Washington, D.C., where housing prices have increased dramatically, making those who work in Washington, D.C. find that living in

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the city was to their advantage as well. Gentrification can have health effects on a population as well. Many of the poorer residents that have been displaced have to use money that may otherwise be used for the costs of healthcare to finance moving to a neighborhood in the city or a neighboring town that they can afford to live in (which usually means rent costs) instead. The costs of moving (boxing belongings, transporting them, etc) and the initial costs of moving into a new home (security deposit, firs and sometimes last month’s rent) are very expensive for most . The added financial burden can place those who are poor at even greater health risks, which will be discussed in detail in Chapter Nine and Ten.

3 http://www.tbd.com/articles/2010/08/catholic-u-senior-fatally-shot-on-his-bike- 4211.html

4 http://www.princeofpetworth.com/2010/08/31-year-old-man-shot-and-killed-by- sherman-circle-sat-night-shootings-also-in-shaw-and-columbia-heights-this-weekend/

5 http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp- dyn/content/article/2010/08/07/AR2010080700048.html

6 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crime_in_Washington,_D.C.#cite_note-crimeglance-1 In reference to DC Metro Police crime statistics: http://mpdc.dc.gov/mpdc/cwp/view,a,1239,q,547256,mpdcNav_GID,1556.asp And FBI crime statistics: http://www.fbi.gov/ucr/ucr.htm

7 Klein, Allison; Dan Keating (2006-10-13). "Liveliest D.C. Neighborhoods Also Jumping With Robberies" The Washington Post : p. A01. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp- dyn/content/article/2006/10/12/AR2006101201813.html Retrieved 2008-12-07.

8 http://dcist.com/2010/09/spokesperson_officer_knocked_owner.php article by Aaron Morrissey

9http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AdamsMorgan/message/23712;_ylc=X3oDMTJxcmgxb nM0BF9TAzk3MzU5NzE1BGdycElkAzM0MjMwNARncnBzcElkAzE3MDUwNDQ1N TYEbXNnSWQDMjM3MTIEc2VjA2Rtc2cEc2xrA3Ztc2cEc3RpbWUDMTI4NDQ5MT g1Mw--

10 http://www.likecool.com/2010_Social_Network_World_Map--Pic--Gear.html

11 http://blog.nielsen.com/nielsenwire/online_mobile/social-media-accounts-for-22- percent-of-time-online/

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12 http://www.tbd.com/articles/2010/09/reports-of-a-drive-by-shooting-at-11th-and-u- streets-nw-15540.html

13 http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2010/sep/28/police-searching-suspect-u-street- shooting/

14 Crews are a DC specific type of social structure that is similar to a gang. There are several differences between what is thought of as a “crew” and a “gang” though, the main difference being the size of crews (usually limited to members of a very small georgraphic area, like several blocks, and consisting of maybe twenty members, and the obvious leadership structures often associated with gangs.

15 http://www.princeofpetworth.com/2010/09/reports-of-driveby-shooting-at-11th-and-u- st-nw/#comments

16 http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp- dyn/content/article/2010/09/30/AR2010093006126_Comments.html

17 “On D.C.'s U Street, a young life that I lost – twice” By Byron B. Davis , Washington Post Friday, October 1, 2010 http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp- dyn/content/article/2010/09/30/AR2010093006126.html

18 http://www.princeofpetworth.com/2010/10/shootings-in-petworth-and-park-view-sat- nightsun-morning/

19 http://www.princeofpetworth.com/2010/10/another-brazen-daytime-shooting-in- petworth/

Chapter Nine:

The Biosocial Spheres of Terror

There are many powerful forces at work outside of and within networks on the ego, family and neighborhood levels. These include the social forces of political economies on the municipal, state, national and global levels, but, as described in

Chapters Five, Six and Seven also include forces that dive deep into the “ego” itself on physiological and psychological levels. Chapter Seven illustrated how violence also operates within multiple social network levels, and how its effects are expressed within different actions and styles of communication within and between networks.

Thus far I have focused on the childhood sexual abuse and continued abuse within the lives of women who participated in the research, as well as the effects of these abuses upon the Self, HIV risk, and violence on personal and public levels. This chapter will revisit these central issues but will also focus on a more holistic health concern. In addition to sexual abuse and in a context of terror, the women of this study must navigate a world of inequality in disease and health. Their challenges and social disparities must be understood holistically in order to move forward in developing ways to reduce risk and save lives. This chapter is therefore dedicated to the subject of syndemics. I will first outline some of the basic issues of disease syndemics within which the women of this study must navigate their lives, and will use illustrations of how syndemics and other social diseases have affected their histories. I will follow this with a discussion of other social problems and sufferings that can also be included within the realm of syndemics, though perhaps not considered biomedical in nature.

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Syndemics

The concepts and illustrations discussed within Chapter Eight present a context for life, concerns and violence on community neighborhood levels. Chapters Five through Eight suggest that the egocentric network is part of a much larger social context.

Within this larger frame of reference are many networks, symbols and meanings, as well as structures, power flows and forces larger than ego that encompass socio-cultural environs surrounding the networks of ego and much more. Within this larger network scale, we find issues of great importance that expand beyond HIV issues to other health risks that must be addressed. To accomplish this I apply a Syndemic perspective:

A central tenet of syndemic theory is that diseases do not exist in a social vacuum nor solely within the bodies of those they inflict, and thus their transmission and impact is never merely a biological process. Ultimately, social factors, like poverty, racism, sexism, ostracism, and structural violence may be of far greater importance in the extent of disease spread and the toll taken in human well-being than the nature of pathogens or the bodily systems they infect. As a result of such factors and the resulting interactions among pathogens or other health conditions, the total burden of disease is far greater among those subjected to structural disadvantage compared to populations that are not so encumbered resulting in significant disparities in both social suffering and years of life lost. http://syndemics.blogspot.com 2007

First presented as a concept by Merrill Singer (1992), the term syndemics is defined as “two or more afflictions, interacting synergistically, contributing to excess burden of disease in a population” 1. Synergy is the concept that two or more things work together to create an end result. Combining “synergy” with the “epidemic” - the result is several epidemics working together along with social inequality to result in a truly

284 dangerous health situation. “Generally speaking, in short, health and wealth go hand in hand, and as a result the poor have worse health than the more affluent social groups.”

(Singer, 2009:1).

In the case of the lives of the women who participated in this research, it may also mean that someone struggling with basic needs like housing (homelessness), food

(hunger) and lack of other basic resources can be at risk for a plethora of afflictions, from drug abuse and HIV to a variety of mental health disorders. This will be discussed further in the pages to follow.

One main attribute of syndemics, as mentioned earlier, is social inequality in health care and prevention. The concept itself embodies several anthropological perspectives as discussed in great detail in Chapter Two, including but not limited to:

Merrill Singer’s critical medical anthropology, Paul Farmer’s analysis of social inequality in health and Philip Bourgois’ description of the structures and types of violence.

Prior to Singer’s concept of Syndemics, issues such as violence, drug abuse and

HIV were thought of separately from a public health perspective and treated as

“concurrent” public health issues (Wallace R, 1988; 1990; Wallace D, 1990 ). The connection, conceptually, between these three health issues was not addressed as being intertwined with each other. (Singer, 1996; Singer and Romero-Daza, 1997) identified a syndemic relationship between violence, substance abuse and AIDS in what they referred to as the SAVA syndemic. “Violence, substance abuse, and AIDS… emerge in the lives

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of participants in our study as closely intertwined threads in the often tattered fabric of

their daily lives" (ibid).

The SAVA syndemic concept created was an important development in public health because it recognized the intimate relationship between drug abuse and the HIV risk behaviors associated with it (such as the sharing of needles) as well as the violence often found within the social environments of drug abuse. Drug use is a disease, and like

AIDS, would be considered an epidemic. And although violence may not be considered

(technically) an “epidemic” it is non-the-less a public health concern.

As noted earlier by Singer and Farmer, poverty and inequality are at the root of much of what causes syndemics to occur. From my research findings I have come to the conclusion that CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) must also be included within this syndemic relationship of violence, drug abuse and AIDS. More specifically, I would postulate that CSA is at the root of much of the causes for the three related factors identified by Singer, and must be addressed as a vital indicator for risk of violence, drug abuse and AIDS. To create public health initiative that intervenes on the SAVA syndemic, CSA must be addressed first and in coordination with such measures.

Beyond the difficult issues of the dynamics of power within the fields of health, syndemics in this text also refers to the prevalence of several diseases, including hepatitis and HIV, within a given population. For the year 2008, Washington, D.C. had the highest rates of sexually transmitted diseases in the United States (Avert 2008). When combined

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with risk behaviors like those practiced by women like Cathy, syndemics becomes a

nightmare scenario for City health overall.

The chart presented below illustrates three diseases in the then most affected

States. Washington, D.C., not part of any State but rather a City unto itself, reported rates

much higher than the States listed in the top ten of those most affected: “In 2008 there

were very high rates of primary and secondary syphilis (24.8 per 100,000 population),

chlamydia (1,177 per 100,000 and gonorrhea (451.6 per 100,000 population) reported in

Washington D.C” (Avert 2008 2). Of these three sexually transmitted diseases alone, D.C.

has rates of nearly twice that of the states reporting the highest rates in the country.

Top ten states and Washington, D.C. ranked by rate (per 100,000) of reported STD cases: United States, 2008

Primary and Rank Chlamydia Gonorrhea secondary syphilis 1 Washington, D.C. (24.8) Washington, D.C. (1,177) Washington, D.C. (451.6) 2 Louisiana (16.5) Mississippi (728.1) Mississippi (256.8) 3 Alabama (9.7) Alaska (711.2) Louisiana (220.2) 4 Georgia (9.6) South Carolina (597.2) South Carolina (214.2) 5 Arkansas (7.3) Alabama (535.0) Alabama (210.5) 6 Maryland (6.7) Louisiana (527.8) North Carolina (176.3) 7 Tennessee (6.7) Arkansas (498.7) Georgia (170.5) 8 New York (6.3) New Mexico (470.2) Michigan (169.4) 9 Mississippi (6.3) Hawaii (466.1) Illinois (160.9) 10 California (6.0) Illinois (460.4) Arkansas (159.2) 11 Texas (5.9) New York (457.9) Ohio (146.5) Source: Avert http://www.avert.org/ 2008

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If we think of these risks and afflictions both within networks and flowing among networks on different levels (sex workers and their clients, family, neighborhood, city and beyond), we can obtain an even better grasp of these women’s lives within a network and a habitus of terror.

As noted in the introduction to this dissertation, African American women in

Washington, D.C. are at a high risk of HIV infection because of multiple “afflictions”.

These afflictions are not limited to biological disease. They may include poverty, various forms of abuse (childhood sexual abuse and drug abuse) lack of information and education about risk prevention practices, and / or the inability to put safe practices into action due to inequality within social structures, their lives dominated on so many levels by others both from afar and close to them.

Returning to the case study of Cathy - who is positive for HIV and Hepatitis C and reviewing potential challenges within the family and neighborhood levels of network dynamics, symbols and meanings, concerns and fears - we can identify several “risk factors” and afflictions that interact synergistically and contribute to “excess burden of disease” (Singer’s earlier statement) for both her and others in similar situations.

In Chapter Two, Paul Farmer describes these diagnoses (disease and other physical afflictions) as “biological events”. “The advent of truly effective therapies only brings into starker relief the centrality of social inequalities, when unequal access to these therapies heightens the inequalities of infection…Thus do fundamentally social forces

288 and processes come to be embodied as biological events.” (Farmer, 1999:14). In contracting HIV, decades of substance abuse, obesity, eating disorders, chronic stress compounded by mental health disorders brought on in multiple forms and instances of trauma to the body and Self, sleep disorders, exposure to multiple dangerous and deadly diseases such as tuberculosis, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and bacterial infections, we see a tragic laundry list of “biological events” within the life of a woman like Cathy. Her afflictions are located within Cathy’s immediate ego centric networks: the family and social networks as well as those of various sizes throughout the City and beyond its borders. Arching overall is the epidemic of violence, a social disease that, as illustrated in Chapters Five through Eight, affects society on multiple levels and in many ways.

Cathy’s biological events are more than individual experiences. They are social and biological events affecting wider social webs in myriad manners.

Syndemics is another multidirectional network analysis tool available to medical researchers. Understanding syndemics brings a deeper network perspective. With this tool we can address the ego centric, community and municipal levels of network analysis.

But we are investigating co-morbidity and risk laterally via the study of co-occurring maladies and risk, but also historically through personal, communal, political and economic histories.

Let us return to the “ethnoweb” referred to in Chapter Two of this text: the illustration of a multi-dimensional network, how the individual is connected to multiple networks, and how those networks themselves connect in historical and complex time

289 and space. Visualize the “ethnoweb” in calm water, like a pond, spreading deep below it and all around. Imagine a disease as a drop of water from a rain cloud. The disease raindrop falls into the placid water, causing a ripple across its surface and also ripples or shock waves below the surface. This rippling affects the ethnoweb embedded in the water, causing it to tremble as well, impacting the movement of its various relational connections. To continue the analogy, think of our raindrop as a disease (HIV, other

STDs, violence and abuse, mental and physical maladies). Now imagine a torrential rainstorm with many of these “raindrops” hitting the mirrored surface of the pond, pounding with great force. Some parts of the ethnoweb are affected more severely than others based on the power relations of specific “strands” or intersecting nodes of this web, this social network. If one is poor, hungry, homeless, and perhaps dealing with multiple health afflictions this raindrop - or an onslaught of them - will do more harm to you than to those who are in life circumstances that allow economic freedom, stability and access to resources. This is the nature of syndemics in Cathy’s life and in the lives of many City disenfranchised residents.

The people within Cathy’s immediate networks are also members of their own networks. Many of those network members deal with the same issues confronting Cathy.

Beyond the mental health challenges, the physical risk issues are compounded by overwhelming factors that act as multipliers for bodily risk. As each “ego” passes within and between networks, it brings the potential for disease and violence. These threats embed themselves within immediate networks and beyond ancillary networks perhaps

290 several times removed from ego. The client who pays for sex with Cathy will return to his wife in Bethesda, MD. He will have unprotected sex with her just as he did with

Cathy. The wife is now at risk for HIV and other diseases.

There is a difference, however. Cathy’s customer can see a doctor anytime he wishes. He can easily be tested for diseases and has access to life saving or palliative medicines if needed. Cathy’s access to healthcare is different in every way. A second difference is that Cathy’s customer chose not to use condoms with Cathy. Cathy can try to insist on condoms being used, but if offered more money she may forgo such protective measures as described in Chapter Five.

There are the event-based risk situations, Paul Farmer’s biological events (1999), such as the risk of contracting or spreading disease, violence, poverty, shelter, access to assistance and medicine, and other obstacles. We also see the historical impact upon the body, self the social network on levels sociobiological in nature. These create a feedback loop to perpetuate multiple problems for Cathy and people within her life. The complex nature of these networks on various levels, their intersections and the compounding effect of powerful forces, surround and help create the habitus of terror within which Cathy must survive. From there we can try to address some of the issues, and perhaps make a difference in her life.

I have clearly illustrated that these women’s networks are multi-layered and complex. By unraveling the main issues, their connections and relations, however, we can better understand the contextual nature of the situations ego must survive. I shall offer

291 several examples of other syndemic diseases and risks that affect the women on both physical and social levels.

Poverty is itself a risk factor for a variety of ills, including mental health problems, diabetes and misuse of drugs and alcohol. These diseases are propagated via behavioral practices that are learned and passed on generationally. Many of these

“diseases” are structurally informed in the syndemic sense, as with structural violence.

For example, childhood obesity and early onset of adult diabetes in children is one of our nation’s primary health concerns. Sugar and fatty foods, soft drinks, and other hi- fructose food items are very common in Washington, D.C. These types of food are not necessarily cheaper to buy 3; they are readily for sale. They take little time or resources to prepare, and are what people have been eating for a very long time within the family and neighborhood. These foods are what you grew up eating and are often considered

“comfort food”. If someone is poor and unhappy, he will find comfort where he can, reaching for something that he knows will make him feel better. Sometimes that is unhealthy food, alcohol or drugs.

The definition of comforts is learned. What humans know and practice is learned.

That defines culture. Cathy stated in Chapter Five that her first addiction was food. She weighed 350 pounds as a teenager and in early adult life. When depressed she sought comfort and escape. She reached first for food, and later in life she added crack cocaine.

What one learns, knows, and passes on is structurally informed. A focus group participant commented, “Addiction. You know how some people like to shop all the time, and some

292 people like to have sex all the time. And then you have some people who like to eat all the time. They just constantly eat. Like somebody get sad, or someone makes them angry, they turn to food because they know that food not going to hurt them. They think it’s going to comfort them, but in reality it’s hurting them and breaking them down. That’s what I think it is. I think they get comfortable, they relax, they watch TV, and it be about the TV too. You sit up under the TV, commercial comes on real quick, you go get something to eat.”

Social Ills

Some social diseases rightly belong within our perspective of syndemics as well.

One aspect is the male domination of women and women’s economic possibilities, their legal rights and their bodies sexually. As discussed earlier, another consideration are the experiences of child sexual abuse. Early sexual abuse puts people at risk of drug abuse and a variety of diseases. This too must be included within the concept of syndemics.

When viewed within present and historical network levels, we can examine other aspects of the habitus of terror that surrounds women like Cathy. Networks and types of social disease, such as socio-political domination, economic deprivation and childhood sexual abuse, rampant violence and government inaction lead to further public health ills.

Childhood sexual abuse affects these women on physical and psychological levels, impacting their lives on social levels as well. Beyond chaotic network spirals of drug use and sex work, most of these women have lost their trust in men. Some of the effects of childhood sexual abuse were discussed during a focus group conducted in order

293 to gather data on network social norms and beliefs on HIV risk. Each participant in the focus group, six in total, were assigned a letter (e.g. Miss A, Miss B, etc.) by me at the outset of the discussion. I am represented with a T.

Begin Focus Group Discussion:

B: I have two sons, and I tell them to use a condom and this and that. But a lot of people be thinking like, cuz my 15 year old son, he just started (having sex), I caught him getting oral sex in the house from his girlfriend. I had a fit about that. A lot of these girls now, she’s 15 too, they just doing it and thinking that there’s nothing behind it. No consequences and not being educated enough, and that’s why I believe it’s (rising HIV rates in young people) starting with a lot of young people too.

C: I think a lot of young people today are very promiscuous, okay, more than when we were coming up. And I think that’s the reason. And a lot of guys are not looking at woman for who she is on the inside, just what they see on the outside. If the butt is fat, and the breasts is big, that’s what they’re looking at and that’s what they’re going for. But I always tell my sons, “What might look good to you on the outside might be rotten for you on the inside to a point where it kills you.” A lot of women today are promiscuous. And then their children, their girls, are seeing them and following suit. We as adults have to lead. Lead in the right way, because you can’t expect to raise a child and you’re doing wrong, and this child seeing you do drugs, this child seeing all kinds of men coming up in your house, they going to do the same thing, because they only know that. What they see. So we have to take responsibility, OK, especially when we have children. So what you got is a world of promiscuity. Period.

D: And you don’t think that they be paying attention, but they do.

C: They do, and what you got is AIDS.

D: Yes they do, I agree with that.

C: I actually think that this is God saying “This is not what I want. And this is what I’m going to put out here to punish you.”

E: I feel that AIDS is not just a number. I feel that it can touch anybody. From teenagers, senior citizens, adolescence, it’s everywhere. Everybody needs to be cautious of everything at all times. [The HIV rate for African American women in DC is extremely high] because you may be in a relationship with somebody for a long period of time, then

294 you have down low men (secretly gay or bisexual) that’s making love to other men, and then bringing it back to the African American females as well. It is a big issue.

C: They not coming clean and telling you what they out there doing.

E: Right.

C: You think that you the only one they be touching and they be going out and doing, y’know. I think they hiding themselves [homosexual proclivities].

T: Why aren’t the men using condoms?

F: I think that they not thinking. They just worried about the pleasure at the moment. They’re not living for the rest of their life.

E: They not worried about that, they just worried about pleasuring themselves.

F: Yeah.

D: Like, “If I don’t get it now I ain’t never gonna get it”

F: And I think about this a lot of times, like one time you can have sexual relations with someone with AIDS and you don’t even know it. And that one time you had sex with that person and you got it, and you just got to worry about all the sexual partner you have after you had sex with that person. You don’t know that you got it until years later when it do finally show up in your system. That’s the scarey part about the situation. Because you don’t know.

C: A lot of kids are raising their parents these days.

All: Mmmm Hmmm.

C: So what’s up with that? And their siblings, because the parents are going out in left field. Somebody that they believe in and supposed to protect them. I mean, so, you going to have promiscuous African American women because they didn’t have no lead.

F: And they going to feel like they grown because they been raising their brothers and sisters for so long. And they been making their own decisions and raising their mother like she’s the child.

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D: A man like to have sex but they don’t want to wear no condom because they want to go bareback. At this point in time, in this life, it’s not safe. It’s best to be safe than not safe.

A: It’s never been safe! It’s never been safe. Before AIDS, it’s STD’s. But back then you could go to the clinic and get pills or a shot.

T: But all of these teenagers know about HIV and STDS and safe sex, so…

D: I think they’re just testing the waters and don’t think its going to happen to them. That’s what it is.

C: These days you got kids having sex at eight years old.

A: Some of them younger than that.

C: It’s forced or molestation or something like that.

A: I’m in a transportation program. And these kids we take around are in foster care. And these kids have been through a lot. We have a set of twins on there, boys. I can’t let them sit beside the little girls on the bus, because one of them, the next thing you know, he’s touching and feeling, and he’s always talking about he got a girlfriend, and the next thing you know he’s trying to hump on this child. So, that lets me know that in his household, this is all he saw. Mother running in and out all night [tricking], he’s not been brought up the right way. And then we’ve got another set of kids. There’s two sisters and a brother, and the brother is six, but they have an older sister. The older sister can’t be nowhere near those young ones. Know why? Because she had shown them all body parts. She has told them what these body parts are for, what they do. She has even had the younger girl indulge in oral sex with her little brother, and he six years old. And of course, he don’t know what’s going on.

C: He’s ruined. He’s ruined.

A: So, because of them growing up with foster care people [today], she can’t go in the house with them. Sometimes we have to pick her up [alone] and take her to appointments. But we have to go get her first before we go get the other ones because she can’t even ride on the bus with them. She has made the younger sister indulge in oral sex with the little brother and I think that’s crazy.

B: She only doing what she seen.

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F: How old is this little girl? The one who made her sister.

A: Oh, I think she’s something like twelve or thirteen.

B: She’s only doing what been done to her.

C: I don’t blame them. I blame the people that supposed to been teaching them. These kids are only going to mind what they see and do what they’ve been taught.

A: And if you in the house with your parents and you up late at night and all you see is your mother running in and out. This hour she went out and come back in with this man. She finish with him, she go back out, she come back in with another man, so, in the course of that night she could’ve had three or four or more.

B: People that come in to just have sex with her so that she can feed her drug habit or what have you.

E: See, I was brought up in a home where I can relate to what you was saying because, as I had my girls, I didn’t never let anybody watch my girls. I had all girls. I was very particular about my girls and who watches them [babysitting], where they go, what time of the hour they be back or whatever. The first thing you have to do is, it starts from home, you have to teach them from home as they grow into adolescence into womanhood. And see I always been like I’m not going to let my brother or my uncle watch my kids, because they are males and their dicks get hard. And no telling what goes on cuz you have one family member out of every household that’s wicked.

T: So you can’t trust the closest males in your family.

E: Right. You can’t.

F: You can’t trust the closest women in your family because they like kids [sexually] too.

B: Exactly.

C: In the residential District I had a nice [place], I had my own big room, my uncle worked a good job, I went to elementary school, an aunt that was a nurse, but they would have parties. They would have her uncles come over. My uncle’s best friends. All of them sexually abused me. And when I tried to tell them [her aunt and uncle], they didn’t believe me.

F: They didn’t want to believe you.

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C: So in my head coming up I’m thinking, “OK. This is what I’m supposed to do,” being promiscuous, looking for love in all the wrong places.

A: Exactly.

C: But there’s a point in your life that you just have to take a stand and know right from wrong. Fortunately the Creator led me to very very positive people. I had my first child when I was 17, OK, and that’s from being sexually abused when I was five, six, seven years old. OK. I know what that was about. Fortunately I have people that God put in my life, that talked to me and made me believe in myself, and made me love me. Because once you get a certain age and you know right from wrong, and you keep doing wrong, that’s a sign of you not loving yourself. And God led me to love, real love, loving myself. I took that lesson and tried to incorporate it into raising my sons. [openly crying]. I don’t know if I did a good job because I got a son that got ten kids, OK, and one that got four. But at least they’re not turning their back on their kids, and they’re very protective. But you can be protective all you want. Once that demon get up in there, he’s up in there. And he comes in many forms. You think that somebody is there to protect you and they’re doing wrong. You gotta come to a point in your life where you know that this is right and this is wrong. I could’ve been gay because of that experience. Actually, I’m not supposed to be liking men at all. OK. My first marriage, I got abused. I got beat up constantly for nothing. Then he started trying to abuse my kids, and I was getting ready to kill him. I was literally planning to kill this guy. Poison him. But God said “No.” If he hadn’t had said no… and one morning I woke up and I turned around and I said, “You got to leave.” And with no back talk, no nothing, he left. He don’t know, he was this close to dying. Because you can mess with anything in the world with me, but don’t mess with an innocent child, because I’ve been there, OK, I’ve been there. So I was going to kill him, but God said, “I got work for you to do.”

C: Just think, if people went according to the Bible, how disease-free this world would be.

F: But you still got to think about that there’s still going to be that husband that’s a DL [down low] dude, that’s going to be messing with them other dudes on the side while having a wife too. So there is going to be other diseases in the world if they’re having affairs and infidelities outside of their marriage, not being faithful with just one person.

E: There are a lot of people in this community right here [in the neighborhood], you’d be surprised, they be going down the street, messing with them little faggots. People that you know. People that you see everyday. That you speak to everyday. They on the down low, sneak’n and creep’n.

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F: Mmm Hmm, right down that street.

E: What their woman don’t do, they figure they can get it done from them.

A: I see the police out there doing…

F: The police be raping females out here too.

A: They think that because they have a badge…

F: … they can get away with a lot of stuff. That’s so fucked up!

A: They supposed to protect and serve. But to me they protect and F-up at the same time.

B: I be seeing them dropping people [sex workers] off after they date. And they be police officers.

F: I seen a police officer put handcuffs on a girl and lock her up [in his car] and then she gave him head and he dropped her back off down the street, and all that!

C: That police officer took his life in his own hands cuz he don’t know if she had HIV or AIDS or none of that.

B: And his family.

F: It’s crazy.

A: And you can take that stuff back home to your wife. And you supposed to be protect’n and serve’n. Yeah, you protect’n and serve’n.

C: Like what Magic Johnson did.

E: And then you got to worry about people giving you the HIV, and you might have a baby.

F: And then your baby [might get HIV]

E: And they can be teased in school. It’s just terrible.

C: What do you’ll think about the predators? These people that are raping our children?

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F: I think that it’s not something that just happened overnight. I think it is something that happened to them [the predators] when they was younger too to make them do these things.

C: Of course. You know we have these people in our community, right? Sex offenders. You know we have them in our community.

A: You have them right under your nose! Right up under your nose. Next door, some of them right in your same building. Right in your area.

T: Some of the older women here might understand this more, but back in the day people had fictitious aunts, women next door who might help keep an eye on you but who are not related to you, like babysitting when your mom is at work, etc.

A: That still goes on. [all agree].

T: And you really couldn’t do anything on that block without everybody being up in your business and knowing everything.

A: Right. [all agree].

D: That’s what you call nosey neighbors.

C: It takes a village to raise a child.

F: I think that’s good when everybody in the neighborhood keeps an eye on your kids. I think that’s good.

C: When I was coming up and I did something wrong, someone on the block can snatch your behind up and beat you and take you home and then you get another beatin.

A: And then when my mother get home from work and my father get home from work, my mother wanted us butt naked out that bathtub and he skin our asses alive.

T: But if you look at the issue of childhood sexual abuse, and how prevalent that is in the community, how is it that nobody knew that that was going on, but they know everything else that’s going on.

B: They know it’s been going on. They just don’t report it.

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End Focus Group Discussion.

Some of the most salient issues raised in this conversation deal directly with challenges of childhood sexual abuse, the lack of role models, absent or poor parenting, and the distrust of men, including sex partners, relatives and police. Distrust can also be aimed at other women, especially mothers who are using drugs and trading sex for drugs or money.

Men being on the “down-low” (the “DL”) - secretly having sex with other men - is another issue that the women in the focus group brought up. Beyond being a dangerous factor contributing to the spread of HIV through possible unsafe sexual practices, men being on the “DL” or even perceived to be, leads to greater negative issues of trust in men for the women.

The bad reputation of the D.C. Police among sex workers is easy to understand.

But, as noted by the women, there are sometimes good reasons beyond the obvious. They noted that in addition coercing sex worker to provide sexual services, one officer placed himself at risk for HIV or other diseases. These he could then possibly pass on to his own sex partners: “And you can take that stuff back home to your wife. And you supposed to be protectin’ and serven’.” The police officer who takes advantage of a sex worker in this way also places the sex worker at risk, as he may be infected with a disease as well.

The more personal experiences with childhood sexual abuse described in focus group discussion are both shocking and illuminating. These women cannot trust the men

301 closest to them with their children, for fear that they might rape them. This is the social environment that these women must navigate, not only for themselves but also their children. We must describe and comprehend the impact and social implications of these issues from a syndemic perspective if our society is to move forward in intervention.

Social Suffering

Disease and illness are biological events both for the individual and for our overall society. The impact of HIV and AIDS upon society cannot be overstated. It has touched millions of Americans in a personal way and has devastated entire generations of people in many countries of the world.

Healing too is both an individual and social event. Throughout this text I discuss examples of social suffering. Childhood sexual abuse is among the forms of suffering that fosters a state of social denial as opposed to shared communal suffering. Sexual abuse is silent and secretive. A focus group interviewee stated “They know it’s been going on. They just don’t report it.” The lack of reporting of these offenses only furthers the silence and confirms the denial of the crime, thus creating secondary violence against the victim. This state of social denial and silence prevents healing for both individual and social networks.

Stories from the subject women in Chapters Five, Six and Seven and other narratives presented in this chapter are intensely personal and deeply embedded within the story teller’s Self. The Self is part of the larger network that makes up society.

Suffering of the Self is a social form of suffering, as discussed by Arthur Kleinman

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(1995). Some types of individual suffering, however, cannot be broadened to a social context. Childhood sexual abuse is one of these. The preponderance of those who fall victim to the perpetrators of sexual abuse bury their experiences deep within their bodies and minds. They silently suffer both the anguish of memories surfacing without warning and the pains of somatizational effects of such pain upon body and psyche. Terror is at the center of this conundrum.

For the Self to heal, there must exist a social mechanism to do so. There must be ways for the Self to join the world of others once again, or else be damned to its mute state of misery. The silent state is devastating to the Self. Attempts to alleviate pain may force a vulnerable person to seek the aid of any tool within his or her grasp to push the terror of memories back down deep inside. Drugs are the first choice for many, leading to a silent and rarely socially acceptable death for most, such as suicide, homicide, overdose or illness.

There are many forms of expressing childhood sexual abuse. Children are often taught at an early age what kind of touching is acceptable and what is not. They are taught by people they trust. They are told to tell somebody they trust about any abuse and there is a social and legal structure that should investigate and support the child’s claim.

The problem occurs when a trusted person is doing the abusing. The abused child is unable to identify her own secure, sources of truth, trust, love and acceptance.

Sexual abuse is an expression of power and weakness. The problem is compounded when generations of abusive behavior are at play. For example, fathers or

303 uncles abused many of the women in this study, while their mothers turned a blind eye.

The mothers may have been abused themselves as children or as adults. They are torn between the very real need for the social and financial resources of their husbands, fathers of their children, siblings, other family members or friends, and the personal social obligation to protect their children. Their inability to do so is certainly stressful and may cause denial or even violence towards the child, as was described by Cathy.

Childhood sexual abuse, is then, at once a form of social suffering, but not of social healing. Both perpetrators and victims are silenced. The victim’s Self and society are shamed. Truth becomes unbearable. This silence, shame and inability to heal socially strengthen the hold of the habitus of terror upon the individual (and their social networks) and create a context for further risks.

Chapter Ten will address a more positive aspect of social networks, some ideas and measures taken to create healthier lives. I will discuss the people and organizations who work to reduce the harm caused by syndemic diseases. I will describe how these groups are creating networks of change in culturally specific ways that incorporate both individual and network solutions, some with a clear syndemic approach.

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Notes for Chapter Nine

1 http://www.cdc.gov/Syndemics/definition.htm

2 http://www.avert.org/std-statistics-america.htm

3 Corner store markets (often the only food source in an inner city neighborhood) are usually more expensive than a large chain grocery store.

Chapter Ten

All Angles: Syndemic Approaches to Harm Reduction

When used as an adjective, a syndemic orientation is defined as a way of thinking about public health work that focuses on connections among health-related problems, considers those connections when developing health policies, and aligns with other avenues of social change to assure the conditions in which all people can be healthy. The Centers for Disease Control 1

When investigating the network dynamics of the women subjects of this research,

I examined their “risk networks”, those with whom they associate and participate in HIV

risk behaviors. I also addressed family and neighborhood issues, histories and

biographical points in the women’s lives that seemed significant to them regarding HIV

risk, violence and issues pertinent to the questions we pose here.

I also investigated a secondary related group of support networks. These

networks, organizations or resources might provide food, shelter, mental health care,

medical care [including AIDS medications], drug and alcohol abuse prevention and

treatment, domestic abuse counseling, HIV prevention and other forms of social aid. I

will discuss this network of resources in the remainder of this chapter, illustrating what I

define to be a syndemic orientation model of prevention .

The flip side of syndemics is prevention. The Centers for Disease Control and

Prevention defines, a “syndemic orientation” or approach to disease as one that includes several variables when creating and implementing interventions for HIV, and other diseases. A syndemic approach provides the health specialist, epidemiologist, medical anthropologist or other interventionists a holistic approach to disease prevention and

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control require. Syndemic orientation to disease is similar in important ways to harm

reduction approaches.

Harm Reduction

Created as a theoretical concept in the mid-1980s by European disease intervention specialists in reaction to HIV, harm reduction 2 incorporates medical

scientific models of disease prevention and control with indigenous belief models,

practices and knowledge. Cultural specificity plus sensitivity to and collaboration with

members of a specific culture to develop effective intervention models is the key to

success.

The obvious goal of harm reduction is to lower the level of harm, for example: If

people are going to inject drugs, create a utile and practical way of reducing the risks to

the body while doing so. Such a program might include education programs regarding

clean injection sites on the body, how to properly clean a needle or syringe, public health

messages about not sharing needles, creating needle exchange programs or legalizing the

non-prescription purchase of needles or syringes. It might also include education of

IDUs (Injection Drug Users) on injection practices and how to use the tools for injecting

drugs more safely, for example, not to share “cookers” or water for mixing the drug and

rinsing needles, or other injection related materials.

Prior to harm reduction models, most disease intervention protocols were created,

controlled and implemented by medical specialists. This top-down authoritative approach

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often failed due to lack of local cultural knowledge and the barriers that resulted.

Medical anthropologists have played a vital role in educating the powerful Western bio-

medicine culture about the value of this theoretical knowledge. We have also opened a

door within biomedicine that in practice has been long closed. Anthropology has been

viewed by some as a “soft”, non-data driven science. An educational gap within the

medical sciences needed to be bridged if HIV was to be addressed in an effective manner;

harm reduction and anthropology helped to bridge that gap.

An excellent example of harm reduction in practice is The Needle Hygiene

Project of 1993. I was one of seven ethnographers who participated in a multi-city

research project under a National Institute on Drug Abuse, today part of the National

Institutes of Health 3. The project studied needle 4 kinetics, or the movement of needles.

We observed how needles were procured (source of money for purchase by IDUs, or how

they may have traded for or shared), how needles were used (how many times and by

whom) how needles were cleaned, if at all, and details of needle cleaning methods (water,

bleach, how much cleaning agent, how long) and also methods of needle disposal.

Using this kinetics model, we were extremely accurate in measuring and

observation. For example, there was no mention in HIV intervention materials available

at the time of something we termed “indirect sharing” of needles 5. This occurs when two or more IDUs have their own needles, but share water to dissolve the drug in a shared cooker. Division of the drug in liquid form is essential to ensure equal shares. 6 Here lies the problem: If the IDU who initially measured the water had a dirty needle, then all

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would share the water-mix contaminated with HIV, and therefore the potential for

infection was the same as that of sharing a needle directly.

Our ethnographic team shared our observations and conclusions with the NIH biomedical researchers immediately, and in response a Centers for Disease Control bulletin was issued globally. That information doubtless saved thousands of lives.

Anthropology is an essential partner with biomedicine in harm reduction efforts.

Without anthropologists, working directly with the people most closely affected by HIV - gay men, IDUs, sex workers - HIV intervention would not have evolved and advanced to the point where it is today. Countless additional people would have died of AIDS and related diseases.

However, there remain still considerable barriers to HIV harm reduction, both in partnering of medical anthropologists with the medical industry and in the inability of

U.S. government representatives to take effective action on acquired data.

Social Support

Social support networks beyond those of family and friends may include government, economic and medical assistance, as well as outreach programs and shelters.

All are to some extent beneficial in the lives of the women studied. Social support groups and agencies accessed by the women are yet another network level that deserve analysis. Forms of social support are certainly an integral part of harm reduction; they often offer resources the women would otherwise obtain through prostitution. This network may also offer medical assistance, like mental health care to assist in the

309 treatment of addiction and other abusive behaviors. Services may address the women’s core needs, thereby contributing to healing and moving their lives into a more positive overall direction.

Cathy, for example, utilizes a variety of social support services in order to meet basic survival needs, like food, shelter and clothing. Other groups, like HIPS, offer HIV prevention services and medications, as well as violence prevention support. Cathy’s personal social networks include mostly other drug users and sex workers, “Johns” and drug using boyfriends. They do nothing but increase her HIV and violence risk. Her broader support networks help reduce risk and direct her toward a healthier existence.

The networks of support utilized by the women in this research are situated within a precarious political economic framework. Many of them operate via a mixed budget of unpredictable private donations and public funds - and struggle constantly for government grant monies. Private sector and government priorities can quickly shift depending on economic stresses and political landscapes of the time. Support organizations may be forced to cut back on services, shift types of support to other areas that are funded, lay off employees, or close their doors altogether. As discussed in

Chapter Six, the recent U.S. economic recession has caused a drop in private donations across the board; volunteer availability has also been unfortunately reduced.

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Cathy’s Social Support Networks

A network plot image was presented in Chapter Five in discussion of case study

“Cathy .” I present it here again for your convenience. The blue shading represents

Cathy’s social support realm. Her realm of social support is wider than that of most of the women studied and very complex. Perhaps Cathy’s life-long experiences with the medical community equipped her with an insider’s knowledge of access and resource location.

Cathy utilizes ten different organizations for some form of assistance, most with case managers who track her needs. Some organizations provide for mental health counseling clinics; others are places where she can procure necessary food, clothing,

311 money, food stamps, alcohol and drug counseling, safer sex education, and more. Cathy has used most of these support networks for ten years or more, and visiting them consumes most of her daylight hours. With the exception of the homeless shelter that

Cathy frequents, the non-blue area of the network plot takes up most of her night.

Most of the social support services that the researched women access are social support services in the private non-profit sector. Dozens of Washington, D.C. organizations focus on helping homeless, battered women, victims of violence or substance abuse and people with physical or mental disabilities. A typical “day shelter,” that does not offer places to sleep overnight, offers lunch and a place to shelter from the cold or inclement weather during the day. These shelters often require that those who access their services also attend daily Narcotics and / or Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Cathy describes some social support organizations requiring her to attend NA meetings in order to qualify for other services or meals:

C: Well, The Women’s Center is for people that have been in shelters and they don't want to be on the street and they can go there and have breakfast, have lunch, do activities like, you know, make jewelry and stuff like that. They give you showers. If you sleep on the street, you'll get a shower. If you sleep on the street and don't get no income you can wash your clothes there.

T: Do they offer you any other services? How about drug counseling?

C: Yeah. They have NA meetings. It's mandatory that we go to NA meetings in order to eat lunch there. And if you're a drug addict, if you're a drug user or an ex-addict you still have to go to a meeting. In order to eat lunch it's mandatory. Most places are mandatory. If they have a requirement for you to go to an NA meeting, it's mandatory. So the whole place is automatic, you know. You have some places that's not mandatory but most of the day programs are mandatory if there's drug use.

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T: How do you feel about that?

C: It doesn't bother me. If I don't want to eat I don't have to go. And if I do want to eat I still won't go. I'll find somebody else to buy me something to eat or else I'll go on the street and get me a date [prostitute herself] and I can get something to eat and get me something to smoke [crack], too. So it doesn't bother me.

Women like Cathy may also be referred to a specialist like a psychologist as a

requirement to receive other needed resources, such as government monetary support.

Case managers from non-profit organizations often steer the needy toward federal or

local government programs for which they qualify.

The women can be quite creative as they develop resources. They may, for

example, convert food stamps into cash at a cut-rate deal. One woman, Karen, receives

$166 a month in food stamps; she then sells them to people in her neighborhood for about

$100. The person who needs food (the buyer) gets $161 worth of food for $100; Karen

gets $100 to use as she wishes. Karen is getting a premium trade at top dollar. Another

subject woman, Tracey, reports only $60 for $121 worth of food stamps when she sells

them.

An alternate cash source from social support networks is Supplemental Security

Income (SSI 7). Usually awarded in coordination with Medicare, SSI is supposed to help meet the costs of medical treatments, with amounts varying according to eligibility.

Cathy receives $575 a month from SSI, whereas A3 and A4 receive $270 each per month.

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Harm Reduction and Sex Workers

Excluding drug use for a moment, let us discuss harm reduction and sex workers.

Harm reduction here would primarily be concerned with safe sex practices: the education of sex workers about HIV and other diseases, their epidemiology, and prevention information about how HIV is spread and how to prevent it, proper use of condoms, lubrication, dental damns and safer sex negotiation between clients and other sex partners, including husbands, boyfriends and lovers. Harm reduction also includes education about safer places to have sex, safer ways of finding clients, how to avoid sexual predators and avoiding police or other legal system complications. Harm reduction for sex workers may also include finding ways to access more stable housing, food, clothing and other basic necessities of life. If sex workers can locate these vital resources they may not prostitute themselves as much, thus reducing the risks associated with sex work overall.

Many of the women with whom I conducted research are “survival” sex workers.

They prostitute themselves in order to meet basic needs. Their prostitution is compounded by the need to maintain their drug habit. These women have histories of abuse and risk that would make most people give up, and the need to reduce harm in their lives is great. How can this best be accomplished?

Leading my examination was the question: What harm reduction measures do they use themselves? What measures do these women take within their lives, and what resources do they utilize to reduce violence and HIV risk? The women struggle

314 constantly to survive in a world of drugs, violence and sex work, while also doing their best to gain and maintain essential survival resources.

Most of the help they seek is after significant damage has been done. Their lives are already extremely compromised, not least of all including childhood sexual abuse and continuing abuse of various types. They are in an extremely difficult uphill battle with limited resources to persevere, therefore prevention often takes a back seat to more immediate needs of survival, therapy and recovery.

Most social support organizations the women might access are open only during the Monday to Friday business week. Services are designed not specifically for sex workers, but rather for a variety of people. Some are for women only, some specifically for substance abusers or the homeless. Addressing these women’s networks in the area of social support and harm reduction is vital to deep network analysis. It offers expanded information on the daily routines of the women, including both how and where they seek help. It seeks to identify barriers to assistance as well as successes.

The remainder of this chapter will focus on one social support organization that deals directly with harm reduction for Washington, D.C. sex workers: Helping

Individual Prostitutes Survive (HIPS). HIPS is the only outreach group specifically designed for sex workers in Washington, D.C. They offer services during the day in their offices, as well as at night on the streets where the women ply their trade.

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By Us, For Us HIPS believes in facilitating an environment where the educators are the people who know the problems the best, are most involved and have the most creative solutions and vision for people engaged in sex work. – HIPS.org

To present an outreach program case study, I will focus on the HIPS (Helping

Individual Prostitutes Survive) organization as it is closely connected to the women whom I have studied. I first heard about HIPS a decade ago through their director,

Cyndee Clay. We met each other through mutual friends and social events. Over the years I hosted several fundraising HIPS benefits. At the outset of this research, I contacted Cyndee for assistance in recruiting women for the study. She was wary at first, not knowing how the women would react to both the research content and me. After explaining my background in anthropology and her review of my research proposal, as well as discussions with her staff, she agreed to introduce me to her clientele.

In an interview on the local WUSA9 website, HIPS Executive Director Cyndee

Clay stated her group’s mission: "HIPS stands for Helping Individual Prostitutes

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Survive, and we do holistic health education, empowerment and crisis services for people who are involved in both the formal sex industry, and also people who do more informal sex trading. The goal is to make sure that everybody has the safer sex materials that they need for the night and to carry them into the week. We are often the only people that these sex workers see that don't want anything from them and just feeling respected as a human being can really be a powerful thing" (ibid). In another interview 8 Cyndee explains “We help them with what they want help with, not what we think they need help with. People who do sex work don’t have someone to talk to about what they do. So we build relationships here. Instead of saying ‘You’re bad. You shouldn’t be doing this’, we try to build people up. We work hard to be client based - it’s about more than condoms.

They are saving their own lives. The condoms are just the tools. The better you feel about yourself the more empowered you feel and the more you’ll take care of yourself…Respect is a human right.”

Harm Reduction Practices

The HIPS mission is to assist female, male, and transgender individuals engaging in sex work in Washington, DC in leading healthy lives. Using a harm reduction model, HIPS’ programs strive to address the impact that HIV / AIDS, sexually transmitted infections, discrimination, poverty, violence and drug use have on the lives of individuals engaging in sex work. – HIPS.org

HIPS utilizes a variety of harm reduction techniques. Some occur at their offices, while others are provided through a mobile outreach team. At the HIPS offices they

317 conduct a variety of HIV (and other disease) risk reduction training programs with sex workers. These are briefly outlined in the HIPS history below 9:

1993 HIPS was formed as a cooperative extension service of the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and begins night-based outreach and hotline counseling to young women on the streets.

1996 HIPS receives our 501(c)3 status and opens doors in collaboration with Metro Teen AIDS in S.E. Washington DC.

1997 HIPS expands our programming to include the “Divas Against AIDS” Peer Education programming, one of the first to engage current sex workers as health educators, and opens our Case Management department.

2000 HIPS moves to our first independent offices in Adams Morgan and receives a grant from the Washington AIDS Partnership for our first own outreach vehicle.

2005 HIPS expands our programming to include “Safety Counts” – a CDC approved “Effective Intervention” for working with drug users.

2007 HIPS successfully adapts “Positive Opinion Leader” – another CDC approved effective intervention to providing community level HIV prevention education to women. The programs were done onsite in the places where women use drugs and in brothels.

2008 HIPS is funded by the National AIDS Fund for the Generations II programs to adapt and evaluate “Charm School” an adaptation of Safety Counts specifically to address the HIV prevention needs of black women engaging in survival sex work.

2008 HIPS is one of four organizations funded by the city to expand Syringe Access, integrating syringe exchange activities on our mobile outreach van, at our offices, and by engaging community leaders.

2009 Building on the success of “Charm School”, HIPS adapts Safety Counts for transgender women and men to help increase self efficacy and reach risk reduction goals in their lives. HIPS also launches a pre-trail Diversion Program for transgender women arrested for solicitation related offenses aimed to reduce incarceration and recidivism.

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2010 HIPS opens our new offices and drop – in center on Rhode Island Avenue NE, expanding our programming to include HIV Testing and Counseling and over 20 hours of in-house education and services.

Volunteer Network

Although HIPS has a few paid staff members, it depends largely on the help of many volunteers in their outreach program. Most of the volunteers are Caucasian women, educated (undergraduate and graduate college students, graduate students and professionals), in their late twenties, and from what many would consider “alternative” lifestyles. Some are gay, some bisexual, some heterosexual, and some themselves current or past sex workers. It is not unusual to encounter volunteers with multi-colored hair, dreadlocks, tattoos, body piercings, punk-rock style clothing or hippy-wear. Most of the

HIPS volunteers are against globalism, The World Bank, capitalism, war, bigotry, homophobia and all forms of social domination. They are for peace, social equality, justice, social health and other policies that support the average workers of the world, and the downtrodden.

Even surface level observations show that there are not many “mainstream” people who volunteer at HIPS. Perhaps “outsiders”, those from outside mainstream

American society, feel an affinity for other outsiders or those in need. Perhaps they cannot afford philanthropic financial assistance, so they volunteer their time. More likely, they volunteer because of their personal philosophies of giving both at the grassroots level and from their hearts.

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HIPS Outreach

Meeting people where they are at = Physically and Emotionally

HIPS operates an outreach program from 10pm to 3am every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. The outreach program is run from a large van staffed by several volunteers. The staff usually consists of a driver (team leader and usually the outreach director), a person in the passenger or “hot” seat, (that person has primary contact with clients as supplies are distributed from the passenger window), and a person or two in the rear who organize the supplies to be passed out. The van may also house a specialist to conduct on the spot HIV testing and needle / syringe exchanges if necessary.

The van is supplied with an array of HIV prevention materials. For safer sex, various brands of condoms, flavored condoms (for fellatio), dental damns (for cunnilingus), and a selection of lubricants are available. For safer drug use the outreach staff distribute cookers (metal bottle caps for mixing and heating heroin), thin rubber tubes (for tying off the upper arm to assist in finding an injectable vein), alcohol preps

(for cleaning the injection area to help reduce the risk of secondary infections) cotton balls (for filtering the heroin impurities in the cooker while drawing it into the syringe), and most recently a variety of syringe / hypodermic needles as part of a needle exchange program. The HIPS outreach workers also distribute candy, as drug users crave sugar), vitamins to contribute to overall health and warm winter coats during colder months.

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I participated in several HIPS outreach programs and assisted in their needle exchange program training. I also volunteered as an outreach worker in their van. In general, nights go smoothly for the outreach team. However, in Chapter Four I describe an actual event I witnessed that included violence and danger for HIPS workers.

HIPS operates within an environment that includes varied social and political opinions, and very real legal forces. Sometimes these viewpoints and activities collide, hindering HIPS outreach efforts. A police officers’ personal attitude towards HIPS may be translated as a legal obligation to uphold the law or even masked as such to allow for harassment. It is not unusual for the HIPS van to be stopped by a police cruiser in the middle of the night, in an area known for sex workers, drug users and dealers; it is even expected by the HIPS staff. The police will pull the van over, exit their cruiser, scan the rear of the van with flashlights, inspecting the boxes and bags of condoms and other HIV prevention materials, piles of winter coats to be given out to those who need them, and van passengers who are all HIPS personnel.

The police will then typically question the van’s driver under the pretext of a minor traffic violation. Most regular police officers recognize the van, which is clearly marked and working the same neighborhoods several nights a week, and know the purpose of HIPS. To Intimidate the HIPS group, the police may ask for identification from each passenger, and shine flashlights in their faces. One reporter who rode in the

HIPS outreach van describes her experience when stopped by a police officer:

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At the border of DC and Prince George’s County, a transgender female stops to talk to Meredith in the hot seat. Less than two minutes into the conversation, a Prince George’s County police car pulls up behind the HIPS van. One officer approaches the female and demands for her to interlock her fingers behind her head. She tried to explain what she was doing (just talking to Meredith) when he barked a reply “Do you know who you’re talking to?” She gets frisked while the other officer asked Mike about what he and the volunteers are doing. Mike explained that they are from HIPS and that they are just passing out condoms and information. The officer interrupts “I don’t know what a HIP is.” As he looks in the back at the tubs of condoms and lube with his flashlight he yelps, “You’re encouraging this? You’re making it easier and condoning. I don’t appreciate you giving them the tools to make their jobs easier.” While the officer on the sidewalk orders the female to go across the street to the DC side and not come back, the roadside officer requested everyone’s identification. Meredith made a request of her own. “Can we have your badge number?” He blows off her request and walks away. He comes back to the van eight minutes later, returns the identification cards and snapped his badge number. ‘Is that good enough for you? ’ – Candace Montague, December 28 th , 2010 10

The tense relationship with the police is ironic, as HIPS receives grant funding from the District of Columbia. In a sense, they are working outreach for the District. The police also work for the City. The two groups have the same funding and power source, but different goals. One goes out of its way to impede the work of the other. The situation worsens when police harass the HIPS team for possessing specific types of prevention materials for distribution to the people who absolutely need them – materials that are approved and funded by the District of Columbia government. The City agrees with the harm reduction and HIV intervention model; they help to put it into effect.

However, some police see these materials as drug use paraphernalia, and feel that HIPS is assisting in criminal behaviors by making illegal drug use easier. The police see HIPS

322 distributing materials within known drug selling and using areas, strengthening the assumptive relationship between HIPS and the drug dealers or users.

Although the HIPS outreach team has never been arrested, supplies have been confiscated. With the exception of the HIPS outreach director, van riders are all volunteers with many hours of training and a criminal background check. Police stops most certainly frighten the volunteers and cause needy HIPS clients to avoid association with the HIPS outreach team. The entire scenario hurts a sincere effort to prevent the spread of HIV in a city with the highest infection rates in the United States.

In 2008 the City approved HIPS’ conducting a needle exchange program from their outreach van. HIPS was later awarded a grant by the District of Columbia Health

Department. This type of intervention - direct distribution of needles for illegal drug injection - has had a long and convoluted history in Washington D.C. The “blogosphere” reacted strongly to the WUSA9 HIPS story online (Fisher, Kristin. Dec 10, 2009).

Several pages of comments were posted 11 by readers, included praise for HIPS’s efforts, amateur legal opinions about supplying illegal activities and religious arguments. Here are three sample comments (ibid):

“Free condoms for prostitutes is no more a crime that free sterile needles for drug addicts. Sure both activities are illegal but the outreach programs are not. In fact most law enforcement groups support such programs. Many even run such programs in several large cities. The long-term result of the programs far outweigh the problems that would arise without the outreach. Condoms and needles are proven to help stop the spread of disease, HIV and herpes, which are a huge problem in these two areas of activity.”

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“First of all, it is a crime to perform sex acts for money here. It does not matter what is legal/illegal in other places. Indentured Servitude is legal in some places, does that mean we should ignore it here? Maybe you need to look some terms up yourself, Aiding and Abetting means to provide help to those who are committing crimes. Providing condoms to those who sell themselves for money is a crime. Now… I never claimed to be a Bible thumper nor to be perfect. I have my faults as well, but I am not called a hero on a public forum. Stick to the story at hand and quit trying to attack the messenger. Though that is a tried and much practiced activity of those who do not have a logical point or counterpoint. My main point is that these people are not heroes. Let's talk about those who are doing their jobs overseas and here, defending us and keeping us safe. If someone wishes to pass out condoms to prostitutes, that is up to them, but they are not hero worthy at all.”

“God Bless them they may save someone who makes a momentary lapse of judgment from disease, or avert a unwanted pregnancy. This in turn could affect many more individuals. An act of kindness for someone who desperately needs one and may of not seen a truely friendly face for so long. Can you imagine how long its been since these prostitutes have known a innocent hug and seen a smile from someone. I can just imagine how cynical they are towards the world as they live day to day as nothing but turning a trick will pay their bills. Were all so similar. Hate never works to anyone’s benefit. Its time we all re-interjected the Golden Rule when searching for solutions to problems. Hate is inbred in policy that created zero tolerance, mandatory sentencing, tough love, "drug wars " or homelessness free zones. Get in the back of the car we will drop you off at the city limits. How many people can get any work in today’s economy? This van may roll up on someone before their first trick trying to get money for presents. It may be their last chance to see a understanding face before that lonely individual turns the corner making a lapse in their judgment ending up in one having money they need and the other a smile yet embarrassed feeling after scratching a itch they couldn’t solve alone .I cant understand why my Government is involved myself? I can understand what the volunteers are doing. Merry Christmas.”

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Outreach Communication

Beyond the programs HIPS offers in-house at their offices and via the outreach van, the team has two other important ways of dispersing information and connecting with their clients. The first is the HIPS hotline, a phone service that a sex worker can call to let the outreach van know where condoms or other harm reduction materials are needed. HIPS coordinates an expeditious time and place to meet the sex worker(s) to distribute the harm reduction supplies requested. This service is in step with the HIPS philosophy of meeting people “where they are at”. Over time, with the building of relationships between HIPS and sex workers, the process has become more streamlined and effective.

The second form of communication is through usage of “Bad Date Cards”.

Historically a sex worker attacked by a “client” was not keen on reporting the attack to the police. In doing so she might have to admit she was prostituting herself, and that during the course of this illegal activity, she was attacked. Alternatively, today the HIPS outreach team - trusted within the community of sex workers - will ask about any problems that night with “dates”. Have any of the “Johns” attacked the women, stolen from them, or sexually assaulted them? The team gathers timely, onsite information, including a description of the “John”, the exact location of the incident, a description of the date’s car and his license plate number. This information is then placed on a photo copied sheet with reports from other sex workers and handed out by the HIPS outreach team on other nights and in their offices, warning sex workers of specific predators.

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Emotional Support

“Feeling respected as a human being can really be a powerful thing” - HIPS Director Cyndee Clay 12

One of the most important aspects of the HIPS outreach program is the emotional support it offers sex workers. Bringing them harm reduction materials and warm coats, as well as providing friendly banter and sometimes serious emotional discussions, go a long way in support of women who don’t have many who care about them in the world.

For some women, the training programs in the HIPS office is a welcome break from a cruel outside world. HIPS is a space of friendship, openness and understanding. For women like Cathy, who has volunteered her time as a van outreach team member, the experience can lift spirits and develop a stronger sense of self worth. Here are a few sample pro-HIPS testimonies 13 :

“Other organizations said they didn’t help prostitutes. When I called HIPS, they helped me find options.”

“HIPS is the only place I can talk about issues with dates and clients, and also issues with my man. They’re respectful and helpful.”

“Somebody asked me if I went to HIPS because I had AIDS. I told them I go to HIPS so I don’t get AIDS.”

“It’s a beautiful network. HIPS doesn’t just talk about ‘we have love,’ They show it. They are out time after time.”

The syndemic approach offered by harm reduction efforts has been vital to prevention and reduction of disease and social ills. In this chapter I have illustrated how a syndemic approach has been used within anthropology, as well as how harm reduction is

326 used everyday by organizations such as HIPS. The anthropological approach is complimentary to harm reduction as it seeks to understand the life situations of the individual or group within a context that is grounded in not only the social contexts of the person or group, but also through understanding their lives through their own experiences and words.

Harm reduction is much more than a scientific model of disease prevention. It is a humanistic approach guided by the desire to truly help others live healthier lives. It is practiced in communities globally and is based on knowledge drawn from the specific communities the organization is often from and serves. Many of the members of such organizations come from the community in which they apply harm reduction and have a vested interest in making their society a healthier place. Through understanding the larger forces (economic, political and others) that influence the risks of the individual or larger social groups, as well as understanding the specific issues faced by people within a community, we can create more efficacious intervention models that will help in saving lives and making the quality of life better overall.

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Notes for Chapter Ten

1 http://www.cdc.gov/Syndemics/definition.htm

2 For a comprehensive reader on Harm Reduction, please see Kippax and Rice, Sustaining Safe Practice: Twenty Years on. Social Science & Medicine 57 (2003) 1–12 National Centre in HIV Social Research, The University of New South Wales, Sydney NSW 2052, Australia In this article is a history of the development of Harm Reduction theory and practice.

3 The Needle Hygiene Project NIDA contract no. 271-90-8400, Contracted by RII under the direction of Carol Anglin, M.A., subcontracted by the Hispanic Health Council (P.I.: Merrill Singer, Ph.D.), Hartford, Connecticut. This project was a seven city multi-site effort (Hartford, San Francisco, New York City, Denver, Houston, San Juan, New Orleans). Responsibilities included aiding NIDA and RII in the development of the research protocol to create a format in which seven ethnographers would gather comparable data. Ethnographic data collection focused on IDU injection practices, needle kinetics, and hygiene within their natural environments (i.e. shooting galleries). Methods for this project included direct observations of injections scenarios, informal guided interviews, life history and event recall interviews, and diagramming of networks of IDUs.

4 The actual needle and the hypodermic syringe to which it is attached to. This is how they are made and procured.

5 Koester S and Hoffer L first published on the issue of Indirect Sharing of needles in 1994 in the article “Indirect Sharing: Additional Risks Associated with Drug Injection.” Aids and Public Policy, 9(6): 100-105.

6 Heroin and cocaine to be used for injection is most often purchased in a powder, paste, or rock form. If two IDUs share the cost of the drug, then they want to make equal shares. The only way to do this is to liquefy the drug into a known quantity. One IDU will draw up a specific amount of water into his syringe, spray it into the “cooker” (metal bottle cap or spoon). Then both IDUs draw out equal amounts of the drug mixture from the cooker.

7 For more information on SSI, see the Social Security Administration website http://ssa.gov/pubs/11162.html

8 Candace Y.A. Montague, DC HIV and AIDS Examiner, Examiner.com December 29 th 2010 Direct URL: http://www.examiner.com/hiv-and-aids-in-washington-dc/helping- individual-prostitutes-survive-at-home-base

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For the first article of the three part series see: http://www.examiner.com/hiv-and-aids-in- washington-dc/helping-individual-prostitutes-survive-on-the-van-part-one

10 Candace Y.A. Montague, DC HIV and AIDS Examiner, Examiner.com December 29 th 2010 Direct URL: http://www.examiner.com/hiv-and-aids-in-washington-dc/helping- individual-prostitutes-survive-on-the-van-part-two

11 WUSA9 story by Kristin Fisher Dec 10, 2009 http://www.wusa9.com/rss/local_article.aspx?storyid=94800

12 Interview by Kristen Fisher, 9 News NOW / WUSA9.com Dec 2009 http://www.wusa9.com/rss/local_article.aspx?storyid=94800

13 Copied from the HIPS website. www.HIPS.org

Chapter Eleven

Summary and Conclusions

Gender and ethnicity are important factors for HIV risk, prevention and survival care. HIV disproportionately affects African Americans in the United States. This is because of the barriers faced by African Americans, such as poverty, stigma, education and inequality in health care. African American women are amongst the highest HIV risk groups in the United States. Washington, D.C., with an HIV rate of 3% or higher, represents the highest rate of HIV for any city within the United States. Violence, childhood sexual abuse and other forms of abuse also place people at higher risk of HIV

(Sikkema 2008 and 2007, Fox 2007, Marlow 2006, Myers 2006, Tarakeshwar 2005,

Briere 2004), and those who are infected with HIV are twice as likely to have been abused as a child (Sikkema 2008).

The purpose of this dissertation was to explore the relationships between histories of violence in African American women’s lives and their social network relations in order to better understand how these two factors influence their risk of HIV. To accomplish this I examined how the life experiences of five African American women in

Washington, D.C. - their social network histories, abuse, violence, and drug use - have affected their existence, both in terms of general quality of life and risk of HIV and other diseases. This dissertation also explored how violence expresses itself and is reproduced in the daily lives of the five women, their immediate social networks and communities.

Critical to this research was to seek a better understanding of how networks, violence and disease are related and expressed within the lives of the women with whom I studied.

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Summary

This ethnographic study was organized into three parts. Chapters One through

Four represent the basis for the inquiry and include a statement of the research problem, the theoretical perspectives from which it was viewed, a description of the area where the research was conducted, and the methodology for investigation. Part Two includes

Chapters Five, Six and Seven, which address the research problem via case studies and testimonies from the women who participated in the research. In these three chapters I presented the connections between the research problem and the information essential to the investigation. The third and final section of this text, which consists of Chapters

Eight, Nine and Ten, addresses a wider scope of network analysis with issues of community violence, syndemics and harm reduction approaches to the prevention of HIV and other diseases.

Chapter One identified social and medical problems faced by African American women in Washington, D.C., the fastest spread of HIV in any population in the United

States. The focus of my research was with African American women who are at highest risk for HIV infection: Sex workers and illicit drug users. My goal was to study the relationship between childhood sexual abuse and other forms of abuse and violence within the lives of selected African American women. I proposed that the histories of abuse within the lives of these women and their past and present influence their risk of

HIV.

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In Chapter Two I presented a review of anthropological and related literature that focuses on violence. Addressing forms and types of violence cross-culturally, I examine how anthropology as a field has studied violence in several areas around the world.

Utilizing several theoretical perspectives on how violence can be analyzed, I chose a categorical nomenclature that helped to place my perspective in a manageable scope.

First discussed by Philippe Bourgois (2001:4), I organized my perspective into four categories of violence: structural, political, symbolic and everyday forms of violence.

This organizational framework became one of my theoretical guideposts for this research.

In Chapter Three a similar perspective and analysis was applied to study the effects of violence upon the Self. In this chapter I examined not only how we can think of the concept of the self, but also how the effects of violence has been expressed in several anthropological studies globally. How violence becomes embodied knowledge and effects the self was key to this understanding. In my theoretical examination of the self and the embodiment of knowledge I drew upon the perspective of Thomas Csordas and his discussion of the “existential ground of culture and self” (1994:269) as well as the work of Robben and Nordstrom and their concept of “Existential shock”.

Further theoretical examinations of Michael Taussig’s extensive ethnographic research and prolific writings (1984, 1987, 1992, 1993, 1997 and 1999) on the subject of violence and terror brought me to my concept of a habitus of terror in which the women with whom I conducted research with must live their daily lives. My perspective, which became my second theoretical guidepost for this research, was that violence becomes

332 embodied knowledge that can have devastating effects upon the body and the Self, both physically and psychologically. This embodied knowledge can leave the body at risk, through repetitive risk behaviors, continuation of negative network relations, drug and / or alcohol abuse, and with dissociation of the mind and the body when the mind is needed most to protect the body and to assure safer sexual and drug use practices.

Chapter Four discussed the geographical setting of investigation for my research, detailing several neighborhoods within the context of the city of Washington, D.C. itself.

The Chapter described the ethnographic methodologies utilized and it also presented more auto-ethnographic and dialectical approaches, which incorporated, personalized experiences, while offering a broader ethnographic description of the research area. The methods utilized for this investigation were social network plotting, event recall interviews, life history interviews, focus group interviews and participant observation.

Chapter Five presented the case study of one woman’s life, including her experiences of violence. Emphasis was placed on her psychological and physical struggles in everyday survival. This chapter illustrated how the life experiences and network relations place her at greater risk for a variety of illnesses, violence and abuse throughout her life cycle. From her story the theoretical concepts discussed in Chapters

Two and Three as well as the concept of the habitus of terror are illustrated.

Chapter Six expands upon the concepts of Chapters Two and Three in relation to the effects of violence upon the Self through study of the lives of three additional women.

Their stories and experiences, when viewed in relation to the issues and analyses

333 presented in Chapter Five, illustrate the assertion that personal histories of violence, abuse and dangerous network relations indeed placed these women at greater risk of further violence and contracting or spreading HIV.

Chapter Seven, a case presentation of Michelle’s story as a continuous meta- narrative, illustrates a life of extreme abuse and violence. It offered an in-depth example of the contexts of one women’s life in a habitus of terror. In her story we can see several of the categories of violence outlined in Chapter Two as they occurred in her life , sometimes on many occasions. We can also see how the effects of violence and abuse became embodied in her Self, as discussed in Chapter Three, and how this embodiment affected her both consciously and subconsciously in various ways, place her at great risk of disease, violence and other social ailments.

Chapter Eight presented a distinct shift in the text by focusing the ethnographic lens on the larger frame of reference of violence at a community neighborhood level.

This was done to conceptualize the lives of the participants, as women, in a larger social context, of the city of Washington, D.C. In this chapter I described several areas of concern with everyday forms of violence experienced by those who live within the research area, as well as the City as a whole. Through the dialectical process of field research, it also became apparent that forms of Internet social communication were key to the understanding of these social concerns. Therefore the latter part of Chapter Eight was dedicated to a discussion of violence as represented via social networking websites.

Other forms of social representation online were also addressed.

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Chapter Nine examined the complex issue of syndemics, or the presence of multiple epidemics and risk of harm via other diseases and social ills, and how political inequality in health care, disease prevention and treatment are indeed additional forms of violence with which people struggle. This chapter also discussed concerns involving social maladies and suffering, which when viewed within the same framework of syndemics, offer a way to understand communal trust, silence and social healing.

Chapter Ten concludes my study with a discussion of syndemic perspectives of disease and how harm reduction approaches are essential to reduce the spread of HIV. A case study of one organization in Washington, D.C. that utilizes this approach, HIPS

(Helping Individual Prostitutes Survive), illustrates this approach. Disconnects were noted between scientific data for what would effectively reduce harm within populations at risk, and the general public’s opinion of such measures. These, in turn, could be in direct conflict with an official authority such as the police.

Understanding syndemics, utilizing a syndemic perspective and the application of harm reduction strategies is logical extension of anthropology, as it seeks to understand society and disease from a holistic perspective. My illustration of syndemics, social ills and social suffering illustrated several key aspects of disease and other harms that must be considered for harm reduction. Among these is the understanding of the structural inequalities present within society that place individuals and entire populations at greater risk of disease because of economic and political forces (i.e. the rich are healthier than the poor overall because they can afford preventative medicine and treatment, as well as

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the political power to make that so). Through understanding and addressing economic

and political contexts of inequality, organizations like HIPS have been able to implement

harm reduction measures to a largely ignored population in Washington, D.C.

Concluding Thoughts

This study identified and developed a perspective on how to better address violence theoretically and cross-culturally. It provided clarity on how violence is embodied not only within the Self, the individual - but also on multiple levels of social networks. These findings should advance our understanding of what I have referred to as a habitus of terror within society and culture. One study of acts of violence and their

meanings in the lives of selected African American women and their networks - from

personal to broader community - can advance our understanding of how actions and

meaning connect.

The use of a categorical nomenclature for the study of violence, as presented in

Chapter Two, is useful for organizing an analysis of violence in the researched women’s

lives. Understanding that these categories are not distinct, and often flow together is also

an important aspect that was discovered in this research. For instance, frequent forms of

everyday violence experienced in the women’s lives also have symbolic, structural and

even political qualities. Forms of interpersonal violence must be considered in light of

336 network relations in order to grasp the contextual meanings of violence in relation to network dynamics and risk.

Social environments, including network relations, play a key role in health.

Therefore, beyond the threat of multiple diseases, poverty and inequality, I would include violence and childhood abuse as important factors that should be included within a syndemic approach to public health. If childhood sexual abuse, other forms of abuse and violence in these women’s lives had been reduced or eliminated at an early stage in their lives, many of the social ailments and health risks that they now face would be greatly reduced.

Future Research

If we are to reduce the instances of childhood sexual abuse, which would in-turn reduce many of the social and personal ills and risks presented in this dissertation, then we must examine the perpetrators of this abuse. Research focusing on male perpetrators of childhood sexual abuse would offer insight into the mindset of the individual would be enlightening, but more importantly focusing research on the male abusers’ own personal histories of violence – like witnessing or being victims themselves of domestic spousal abuse, sexual abuse and other forms of violence - will offer a deeper insight into how and why the abusive male might have become the abuser. This research can be expanded to include community-based research with teen-aged boys with the goal of investigating not

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only their behaviors, but to understand the social structures and models of behavior that

they learn from and emulate.

Research is needed with children who are suffering or surviving childhood sexual

abuse. Such an examination with human subjects that are under the age of eighteen has

barriers as it enters into a legal realm that is restrictive. Issues of informed consent and harm to the subject are important considerations, but they can and must be overcome.

Research that would be able to inform measures towards healing before the victim of

such abuse becomes a teenager or adult would benefit the individual and society on many

levels. From reducing drug abuse, HIV and other diseases, to helping the individual

move beyond the structural patterns of abuse, harm reduction efforts would be more

successful from the outset.

This research focused on the lives of African American women in Washington,

D.C. The limitations of an investigation that is geographically encased is obvious, and

comparative studies across a wider range nationally would be useful for developing

models of intervention and evaluation of models to seek out those that work best. A

cross-cultural investigation in different countries would only expand upon this

knowledge, and offer different perspectives on the childhood and domestic abuse, and

can be applied to research with men as well.

Synthesizing this research perspective with other disciplines - such as psychology,

psychiatry, sociology and others - into a team oriented research endeavor would also

allow not only for a wider perspective, but would strengthen and further our knowledge

338 on these issues. I believe that a wider scope can be created that incorporates a larger and more varied sample population for investigation. A project comprised of several teams of researchers in a variety of locations representing different social contexts would be of great value.

Research that focuses on the social disorganization and criminology of the local level networks would also be useful in understanding social response to abuse and violence, as well as the cultural reproduction of the types of violence discussed in this analysis. In this research I have addressed the issue of social capital only with regards to gentrification and the tensions that this has caused within communities. Social capital can also be addressed in terms of why different types of violence occur, and would offer additional insights into the motivations of such violence.

Appendix A

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 1)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce

NETWORK PLOTTING CONSENT FORM

I have been invited to participate in the Network Relations Study (NRS). It has been explained to me that the purpose of this study is to gain a better understanding of HIV and other health risks in relation to drug use, misuse, family and peer relationships, and violence. I hereby give my consent to participate in the Network Relations Study (NRS) being undertaken by Todd Pierce, MA, as part of his work, research, and studies for fulfillment of his Doctor of Philosophy degree in Anthropology at The Catholic University of America, under the guidance of Dr. Lucy M. Cohen, an anthropologist and faculty member of the Department of Anthropology in the same university.

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history, social networks, practices and sexual behaviors. I understand that the interview being conducted with me today is a Network Plotting Interview, and that personal information about the nature of relationships that I have with other people will be asked. I also understand that I will not be penalized in any way for not providing all or part of the requested information.

I understand that I will contribute to new knowledge that may benefit others. I may experience some mental discomfort during the interview. If this occurs, I would be referred to a mental health professional.

I understand that this study involves interviews about alcohol and drug use, violence, sexual behavior, and drug injection and sexual partners in my social networks, that all information I give will be used for research purposes only, and that such information will only be identified by a code number. I will not be asked whether I expect to physically harm myself or someone else in the future, or about ongoing child abuse. However, anything I say voluntarily about a clear and present danger to someone may have to be reported for purposes of protection.

Subject’s Initials ______Date ______

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 2)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

340

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce

I understand that some of this discussion will be audio taped in order to obtain a complete record of my comments. I understand that I will receive $20 (twenty) to compensate me for my time. This interview will take approximately 1 (one) hour to complete. I understand that everything I say will be treated in the strictest of confidence, and will only be heard by research staff involved in this project. I will not be identified in any study reports or publication.

I understand that any information that can identify me will not be released without my separate consent, and that all identifiable information will be protected to the limits allowed by the law. I have read or have had read to me all of the above. Todd Pierce has explained the study to me and answered all of my questions. I have been told of the risks or discomforts and possible benefits of the study. I understand that I do not have to take part in this study, and my refusal to participate will involve no penalty or loss of rights to which I am entitled. I may withdraw from this study at any time without penalty or loss of benefits to which I am entitled. I acknowledge that the purposes and procedures of the Network Relations Study have been explained to me and I consent to participate.

I understand that any information obtained as a result of my participation in this research study will be kept as confidential as legally as possible.

The result of this study may be published, but my records will not be revealed unless required by law.

I understand that if I have any questions concerning the study at any time I can call Todd Pierce at 202-652-0805. I also understand that if I have any questions about the rights of research subjects or problems resulting from this research I may contact Ralph Albano, Associate Provost for Research, at The Catholic University of America at 202-319-5218.

Subject’s Initials ______Date______

341

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 3)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce

I understand my rights as a research subject, and I voluntarily consent to participate in this study. I understand what the study is about and how and why it is being done. I will receive a signed copy of this consent form.

I agree that I am 18 years of age or older, the minimum age to participate in this study.

______Subject’s Signature Date

______Signature of Principle Investigator Date:

Subject’s Initials ______Date______

342

Appendix B

Network Plotting Interview Guide

Network Plotting:

1. Draw a circle in the center of the paper, and write the name (or respondent ID) of the participant inside the circle.

a. Woman asked to identify those people whom she has sex with. Indicate what kind of sex and context of sex (i.e. boyfriend, husband, friend, paying sex partner, etc)

b. Ego Indicate those people whom she uses drugs with. She indicate what type of drugs are used, how they are used, and in what context.

c. Ego identifies those people or groups of people (i.e. outreach organizations) that she has the most contact with.

Write their names of organizations (generic or specific) around the groups in a circle.

Place those who have the most frequent contact and are most important closer to the center.

2. Use the following questions to help determine where each group should be placed on the sociogram.

a. Where do they go to have sex, use drugs, or connect?

b. To whom do they go to for advice or help in an emergency?

c. What are the types (or forms) of organizations and institutions (e.g., gangs, communities faith, social clubs, sports teams) that she has the most contact with?

3. Identify where the institutions and people you have identified are located. Use the following questions as a guide.

a. Are they scattered across the city or nearby county?

343

b. Are they located in sections of the county or in a town, neighborhood, or school district?

c. From what area or group do they draw their members or constituencies?

4. Are there people who used to be in your life, like part of your network, but who you’ve fallen out of touch with or chosen not to relate to anymore? Who, when, why? Probe for how moving around (residential mobility) affected this over time, if it did.

5. How does living in this neighborhood affect who you relate to or keep in your “social circle”? How about living in other neighborhoods, how was that different in terms of who was part of your circle?

6. Whom do you confide in? Whom do you turn to when you need encouragement or to get a “boost,” like say if you’re feeling down or overwhelmed?

7. What about people you might turn to for other kinds of help, let’s say like getting a ride somewhere, help if a car breaks down, getting a little money, (for parents) looking after your kids, or other kinds of favors. Who are those people? (Probe: May be different people for those different kinds of aid.) How often do you rely on people for those things or for other informal kinds of help? (This lets you distinguish actual use versus support subjects feel is available to them.)

8. How about people you might go to for other help, like applying for a job you want or figuring out what kind of training or education to get, applying for a loan, moving to a new neighborhood, or other things to create new opportunities for yourself and your family ? Have you turned to people in your life for those kinds of help? Are there people you think you could turn to, even if you haven’t? Why those people?

9. All in all, which relationships in your life would you say are the most supportive? (OK to name immediate family in-home, but probe for others.)

10. Which relationships would you say are most burdensome to you or most draining? Why?

11. Are there people in your life who have influenced important decisions you made? (Who, how) 344

Appendix C

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 1)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce

EVENT RECALL INTERVIEW CONSENT FORM

history, social networks, practices and sexual behaviors. I understand that the interview being conducted with me today is an Event Recall Interview, and that personal information about specific instances in my life that concern drug use or violence will be asked. I also understand that I will not be penalized in any way for not providing all or part of the requested information.

Subject’s Initials ______Date ______

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 2)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce 346

I understand that some of this discussion will be audio taped in order to obtain a complete record of my comments. I understand that I will receive $20 (twenty) to compensate me for my time in the Event Recall interview. This interview will take approximately 1 (one) hour to complete. I understand that everything I say will be treated in the strictest of confidence, and will only be heard by research staff involved in this project. I will not be identified in any study reports or publication.

I understand that any information that can identify me will not be released without my separate consent, and that all identifiable information will be protected to the limits allowed by the law. Todd Pierce has explained the study to me and answered all of my questions. I have been told of the risks or discomforts and possible benefits of the study. I understand that I do not have to take part in this study, and my refusal to participate will involve no penalty or loss of rights to which I am entitled. I may withdraw from this study at any time without penalty or loss of benefits to which I am entitled. I acknowledge that the purposes and procedures of the Network Relations Study have been explained to me and I consent to participate.

I understand that any information obtained as a result of my participation in this research study will be kept as confidential as legally as possible.

The result of this study may be published, but my records will not be revealed unless required by law.

Subject’s Initials ______Date______

347

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 3)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce ______

I agree that I am 18 years of age or older, the minimum age to participate in this study.

______Subject’s Signature Date

______Signature of Principle Investigator Date:

Subject’s Initials ______Date______348

Appendix D

Event Recall Ethnographic Interview Guide

Questions are arranged into three categories, following Spradley’s (1979) description of the three types of ethnographic questions. These questions may not be read in the following order, but will be covered in the discussion.

Interview categories:

1) Descriptive questions (provide description of activities)

1. Can you describe what kind of violence you experience in a normal day? 2. Can you tell me about the types of violence you experienced as a child? 3. Can you describe the type of relationship you had with the person(s) who have done this (violence, abuse) to you?

2) Structural questions (identify different domains of the phenomenon in question)

1. Can you outline the types of violence that women in your situation (drug user, sex worker) face? a. Why do you think these women face this kind of violence?

2. What types of organization or services do you know of that offer support for victims of violence? a. What types of organization or services do you know of that offer support for abuse? b. What types of organization or services do you know of that offer support for drug use? c. What types of organization or services do you know of that offer support for HIV prevention?

3. Do you use these types of service?

3) Contrast questions (explore difference between items) These questions are contingent on the items identified by the interviewee. For example, a question for a woman who is trading sex for crack could be “how are the difficulties you face now different from those you faced when you were not using drugs?”

349

At the conclusion of the interview, ask the participant if they have any further comments they would like to make or information they would like to discuss. Thank them for their time, and remind them of the possibility of a follow-up interview.

350

Appendix E

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 1)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce ______

LIFE HISTORY INTERVIEW CONSENT FORM

history, social networks, practices and sexual behaviors. I understand that the interview being conducted with me today is Life History, and that personal information my life history will be asked. I also understand that I will not be penalized in any way for not providing all or part of the requested information.

Subject’s Initials ______Date ______

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 2)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce

352

______

I understand that some of this discussion will be audio taped in order to obtain a complete record of my comments. I understand that I will receive $50 (Fifty) to compensate me for my time. This interview will take approximately 4 (four) hours to complete. I understand that everything I say will be treated in the strictest of confidence, and will only be heard by research staff involved in this project. I will not be identified in any study reports or publication.

I understand that any information obtained as a result of my participation in this research study will be kept as confidential as legally as possible.

The result of this study may be published, but my records will not be revealed unless required by law.

Subject’s Initials ______Date______

353

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 3)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce ______

I agree that I am 18 years of age or older, the minimum age to participate in this study.

______Subject’s Signature Date

______Signature of Principle Investigator Date:

Subject’s Initials ______Date______

354

Appendix F

Life History Interview Guide

Interview probes:

Childhood and family

1. When were you born? Where did you grow up? ( city or town, neighbourhood, kind of home) 2. What were your parents like? Describe them, (i.e. way of making a living). 3. How many brothers and sisters did you have? Ages? 4. Who were you closest to in the family? Describe that person(s). What would you do together that was special? 5. Where did you go to school? How was your education different than today? What was better? What was worse? Did you have any special teacher? How did that person help you? 6. How was your life then different than a child's today? 7. What were your clearest memories of childhood? 8. Did you ever get into trouble? What happened? 9. What did you want to be when you grew up? 10. Were you ever given any important advice or predictions? 11. Were you ever abused as a child? Were you sexually abused? Physically or emotionally abused?

Follow up questions for abuse .

- How old were you when you were abused? - Who abused you? - Did anybody else know of your abuse? - How extensive was this abuse? Was it just once, more than once, continuous?

Adulthood

1. When did you first leave home and why? 2. What kind of jobs did you have? What did you have to learn to succeed at them? Were 355

any very difficult? Exciting? Unusual? 3. Did you travel? How old were you? What did you see? 4. Did you ever meet anyone famous? (if yes) Who? 5. Were you ever present at an historic moment? 6. Did you ever receive any kind of award or honour? 7. Did you ever feel you were in great danger or in great need? If so…. (follow-up) 8. Did you ever help someone who was in great danger or need? If so…. (follow-up) 9. Who helped you the most in your family. Outside your family? If so…. (follow-up) 10. When did you meet the one you married (or boyfriend, etc, if applicable)? Where and how? What impressed you at that time?

The Present

1. What do your brothers and sisters do at present? 2. Things have changed greatly since you were a child. What do you think are important things that have not changed? 3. If you could be any age again, which age would you be? Why? 5. If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Why? 6. If you could talk to any person you ever knew, who would it be? What would you talk about? 7. Is there anything that you regretted not doing? 8. Is there anything you are especially proud of?

356

Appendix G

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 1)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce

FOCUS GROUP CONSENT FORM

I understand that the purpose of this study is to understand women’s experiences of violence, abuse, drug use and HIV prevention. It also involves the collection of information about social networks and networks of sexual and drug use partners. I understand that I will participate in one or more discussions or interviews about my life history, social networks, practices and sexual behaviors. I understand that the interview being conducted with me today is a Focus Group Interview, and that personal and socio- 357

cultural information about topics such as drug use, violence, relationships, and HIV will be asked and discussed within a group of other participants of this study. I also understand that I will not be penalized in any way for not providing all or part of the requested information.

Subject’s Initials ______Date ______

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 2)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce

358

______

I understand that some of this discussion will be audio taped in order to obtain a complete record of my comments. I understand that I will receive a $20 local grocery store food voucher to compensate me for my time. I understand that the Focus Group Interview will take approximately 2 (two) hours to complete. I understand that everything I say will be treated in the strictest of confidence, and will only be heard by research staff involved in this project. I will not be identified in any study reports or publication.

I understand that any information that can identify me will not be released without my separate consent, and that all identifiable information will be protected to the limits allowed by the law. Todd Pierce has explained the study to me and answered all of my questions. I have been told of the risks or discomforts and possible benefits of the study. I understand that I do not have to take part in this study, and my refusal to participate will involve no penalty or loss of rights to which I am entitled. I may withdraw from this study at any time without penalty or loss of benefits to which I am entitled. I acknowledge that the purposes and procedures of the Network Relations Study have been explained to me and I consent to participate.

I understand that any information obtained as a result of my participation in this research study will be kept as confidential as legally as possible.

The result of this study may be published, but my records will not be revealed unless required by law.

Subject’s Initials ______Date______

359

CUA

THE CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY OF AMERICA

Department of Anthropology Washington, D.C. 20064 202-319-5080 Fax: 202-319-4782 RESEARCH CONSENT FORM (page 3)

Subject Name: ______Date:______

Title of Study: The Network Relations Study

Principle Investigator: Todd Pierce

I agree that I am 18 years of age or older, the minimum age to participate in this study.

______Subject’s Signature Date

______Signature of Principle Investigator Date:

Subject’s Initials ______Date______

360

Appendix H Focus Group Interview Discussion Guide

1: Let’s discuss the issue of HIV in DC and more specifically how this affects African American women in the city. Have things changed at all over the years?

2: People who use drugs like crack cocaine and/or heroine are at greater risk of HIV. Let’s briefly discuss why this is, but lets be more specific and address the problem as it is for black women in DC. Have things changed at all over the years?

3: People who have been abused sexually as children tend to be at greater risk of HIV. Why do you think this is? How do you think your personal histories of abuse have affected your HIV risk? Have things changed at all over the years?

4: People’s social networks can influence how they behave. How do you think your social networks influence your HIV risk? Have things changed at all over the years?

5: How do you think the violence in your personal lives effects you personally and your risk of HIV? Have things changed at all over the years?

6: How do you think the overall violence found within your neighborhood, or in the city as a whole, has affected your life? Has it affected your social networks? Your HIV risk? Have things changed at all over the years?

7: What kind of social support networks do you seek out? How hard is it to get help from them? How have they helped you? Have things changed at all over the years?

8: What do you feel about the DC and Federal government with regards to HIV risk reduction, assistance (in risk reduction and for those at risk through other types of support). Have things changed at all over the years?

9: What do you think are some of the largest social problems/issues that those people within your VARIOUS networks are facing right now in the city? Is it HIV? Is that a concern? Have things changed at all over the years?

10: What are some of your thoughts on how you would try to fix some of these issues? Childhood sexual abuse, HIV risk reduction, violence, etc? What else is needed from an intervention standpoint? Harm reduction? Private and Public support groups and organizations, etc? Have things changed at all over the years?

361

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