Coronavirus Update: Vampire Edition Single Pumpkin
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Volume 111 No. 4 October 30, 2020 stuyspec.com SPOOKTATOR SPOOKTATOR This Class Does Not Exist The Nightmare Before Christmas is Not a Halloween Movie Junior Logan Ruzzier issues an urgent message to all Stuyves- ant students: “Feeling confused? Concerned? Anomalous? Learn Contemplating which movie to watch on Hallows Eve? Asa Mu- more about SCP-345. Secure. Contain. Protect.” hammad has the answer for you, and it is surely not The Night- see page 2 mare Before Christmas. see page 27 CoronaVirus Update: Vampire Edition SPOOKYBEAT By NORA MILLER any more sallow, we’d be mistaking doing this for the good of soci- cyanide in there, and congratula- you for a ghost, not a vampire. But ety. Take them out for dinner, and tions! You’ve just reduced the city All SAT testing centers Look, we all know that this before you start asking me about make sure you pile on the garlic— population by at least 10 percent. in New York City for the last month has been terrible. Wait, the eyes, let me be clear: if your you want to make sure your garlic Alternatively, you can use the November date have been no, this last year. Actually, come to red-eyed friend calls breath is actually deadly. blood as bait. Why do anything im- closed. All students are sug- think of it, this last decade. But— themself dead from Method 2. If mediately when you can do it later? gested to venture farther out. and I know you guys are all super an all-nighter, for you’ve never looked If you’re the kind of perfectly nor- Ohio is recommended. excited—we’ve discovered yet an- your own sake, at a sallow, mal person (or vampire) who enjoys other global problem that has the believe them. red-eyed constructing elaborate fake people potential to ruin our lives! That’s That’s what ghoul and human-sized mouse traps, then right, vampires. Despite what all they all say. and your art skills just might save society. I take it back. The Novem- of those well-meaning public How- felt Method 3. In some rare cases, ber and December SATs health officials have been saying, ever, your a little sunshine might be enough. have been canceled entirely we here at The Spectator know believe heart If you’ve ever walked outside in across the country. Try to the truth, and it’s not COVID-19 it or flut- the last few months and been like, find a spot in March I guess? you need to be worrying about. not, the fact that every- ter, “AAHHHHHH!!!!” you have a Still not convinced? Well, one you know is probably sense of how it feels to be a vam- while we’re all whining about our trying to suck you dry is pire. With just a few strategically Stuyvesant AP students are masks like a bunch of suckers, not a cause for concern. placed mirrors, you can ensure that found to have been given the real suckers are hiding, pass- That’s right, we have others always have the same 12 hours of homework in- ing themselves off as upstand- three foolproof ways opportunities that you did. stead of one. ing citizens. I’m telling you, never of vanquishing vam- Method 4. Despite all of trust anyone if you can’t see their pires in cold blood. Eleanor Chin / The Spectator your efforts, you may still be canines—how do you really know Method 1. Ask tormented by vampires. But Stuyvesant has a whopping I didn’t just die and come back them out! There’s that’s not a super big prob- to haunt you during quarantine? nothing vampires love more than a that’s lem—after all, there’s always zero National Merit Semi- Okay, fine, so no looking for good night out: stale air, dark skies, alright too. We sug- g e s t the nuclear option. Sacrifice your- finalists. fangs. What about the skin? Given and truly delectable necks. As the holding a midnight blood drive— self, and you will die an honorable that the general consensus among great Sanguia Hemophagio said, why catch one vampire at a time death. So many of us spend our lives Stuyvesant students during this “You can’t face danger unless you when you can catch them all? Just trying to serve society—really, what Boograms are scheduled to time has been that sun exposure court with it.” And really, what’s bribe your local Red Cross chap- more direct a method is there? We’ll be delivered through carrier kills, how do you know that isn’t ac- the worst that can happen? Do you ter and try not to gloat too much remember you fondly (we promise!) pigeons. Be sure to keep tually true? Well, sadly, judging peo- really need all that excess blood? at the idea of sucking people’s and hopefully, the vampires will go your windows open through- ple’s skin color won’t work either. I If you and your new ghoulish blood, and all of New York will away eventually. That is, I will. I out the day. mean, look at yourself! If you were friend hit it off, be proud! You’re show up. At the end, slip a little don’t know about the rest of you. Single Pumpkin Looking Which Spooky Something Are You? to Date Again By KRISTA PROTEASA Howdy, folks! You may or may not have noticed, but it is officially spooky season! You know what that means? By OLIVER STEWART all the stops, Steven had difficulty It means it’s time to embrace all things spooky. getting texts back no matter what If you have ever found yourself at a crossroads between which of these gloriously pumpkin-themed trinkets Citing the rapidly approaching he tried. Playing it cool and drop- or snacks you’d be, fear not, for I present you with a solution. With this mathematically sound formula, I shall put Halloween season and the struggles ping a “hey” didn’t yield any suc- your racing thoughts to rest. The formula states that the adjective attached to your zodiac sign + the connector of being alone, Steven The Single cess, and neither did pickup lines, attached to the first letter of your name + the noun attached to your height range will produce the result of which Pumpkin confirmed on Thursday, including hard-hitters such as “Hal- fall-themed object you’d be if you were one. Now, get excited for the knowledge you’re about to uncover! October 15, that he was looking to loween is coming up… you should Drumroll, please. get back out there and start dating go as my girlfriend” and “Are you You are a(n)… again. Though Steven hasn’t been a jack-o’-lantern? Because you’re on the market since his saucy fling lighting up the room.” He even Zodiac sign: + First Letter of your name: + Your height: with a pumpkin scoop ended mess- started a conversation with a cute First Letter of Your Name ily early last November, he feels that skeleton by saying “Heyy… do you Zodiac Signs A: yet cinnamon-y Height now is the time to put himself back have a bone number?” The skeleton Aquarius: Ghastly B: and orange <5’0”: Haunted windowsill out there and give the apps a try. could not be reached for comment Pisces: Brooding C: but dusty 5’1”-5’3”: Pumpkin spiced scam Anonymous sources confirmed by either Steven or The Spectator. Aries: Sinister D: in the name of spookiness 5’4”-5’6”: Purposefully forgotten that Steven created accounts and Discouraged by the lack of Taurus: Gory E: yet riddled with cobwebs bat-shaped gummy set up profiles on several apps— success he found on the apps and Gemini: Wicked F: and zombie-like 5’7”-5’9”: Crusty apple cider do- Tinder, OkCupid, and Match.com demoralized by Halloween night’s Cancer: Spooky G: as ever nut among them—in the hopes of at- rapid approach, Steven began to Leo: Deadly H: and crispy 5’10”-6’0”: Bag of stale candy tracting a pumpkin, gourd, cobweb, accept the possibility of attend- Virgo: Undead I: but disappointing corn and lies spider, skeleton, or witch looking ing Halloween parties alone and Libra: Menacing J: yet somehow surprisingly suspicious >6’1”: Rotting jack-o’-lantern for a long-term relationship. When sitting on a windowsill by himself Scorpio: Masked K: with a hint of malicious intent questioned as to what he specifi- for the duration of the month of Sagittarius: Bloodcurdling L: and unfortunately burnt cally looked for in a partner, Ste- October. “I admit, the carved smile Capricorn: Fiendish M: (and obnoxiously so) ven had difficulty explaining and is definitely feeling a little forced at N: and carved repeatedly said that the appearance this point,” he said, seeming mel- O: but somehow on fire And voilà! There you have it, of a “spark” was vital in a relation- ancholy. “I think it would be really P: and cold folks! Now you can go back to ship. “I don’t know,” he went on. nice to have the option of letting Q: along with fellow spooky peers finishing the lab you’ve been put- “Something special. I need some- my emotions out, y’know? Un- R: and covered with a strange mold ting off for a week. Don’t worry, body who has that something spe- fortunately, I have no choice but S: contrary to popular belief this was written while I was in the cial.” When pressed further, Steven to grin all day, every day, and my T: while rifling through spell books same boat :”{ But at least now I was unable to identify what exactly carver didn’t even have the decency U: (as a result of one particularly event- know I’m a wicked, with a hint that something special entailed.