Th e student newspaper of Imperial College London

Issue 1,395 felix Friday 8 February 2008 felixonline.co.uk

Inside

VITALI LAZURENKO VITALI Music returns

Page 26

Nightlife returns with competitions

Page 27

Arts Fest

Page 20 Bordering RTS Fest on a crisis Political Philosophy Society’s Israel/Palestine Conflict Study causes international controversy. See pages 3, and 12 to 13 Pages 29 to 33 2 felix Friday 8 February 2008

News News Editor – Andrew Somerville, News Goblin – Matty Hoban [email protected]

GSA election results: zero IC Canoe Club in minibus to two postgraduate heroes? crash with Mercedes-Benz GSA Chair and Treasurers successfully elected but nominees running for Secretary positions withdrew from election

Tom Roberts Editor-in-Chief

On Wednesday, the Union announced the results of the most recent Graduate Students Association (GSA) election. Kilian Frensch became the new GSA Chair and Yinka Bisiriyu is the latest GSA Treasurer. However the GSA Sec- retary post remains unfilled after both candidates withdrew midway through the election. The GSA represents postgraduates at Imperial including PhD and Masters students, by voicing their concerns and needs to the Union, the College and nationally. However, the associa- tion has been non-existant since No- vember when the previous Chair, Jon Matthews, resigned in dramatic fash- ion after Union Council rejected two of his reports deeming his work over the summer break unsatisfactory. His resignation left the GSA committee without any members. Postgraduate representation suffered further still last term without a permanent Postgradu- ate Co-ordinator staff member present within the Union. Mr Frensch was the sole nominee in the race for GSA Chair beating RON The new GSA Chair, Kilian Frensch and his ‘Roger Moore’ eyebrow (re-open nominations) 111 votes to 19. The contest for Treasurer was very closely contested, however, with four for postgraduate students. In it, he says manent Union Postgraduate Co-ordi- votes separating Ms Bisiriyu and her he wants to “gain ‘student status’ for nator the GSA appears to be getting closest rival. writing-up students” in order to waive back on track. The Union President, Turnout has increased slightly since council tax and to allow them to use Stephen Brown, told Felix that now the last election, going from 111 to 130 College’s facilities, since PhD students the GSA has a core team from which votes in the GSA Chair election com- in their fourth year lose swipe card ac- it can build on, it will be left to its own pared to the last election. 211 votes cess. He also states that he will cam- devices and to find itself a Secretary to were cast in the Treasurer election paign to “allow research students to complete the GSA trinity. At midnight, on their way back from a recent weekend trip to the but with over 4,500 postgraduates at keep income from scholarships that ex- If Mr Frensch achieves everything Lake District, the minibus driven by IC Canoe Club was struck in Imperial College the overall turnout ceed standard paying rate” and to “re- he set out to do, he will be one of the the rear by a Mercedes-Benz. A female passenger in the Mercedes- remains very poor with less than 5% of gain pay taken from Mathematics PhD greatest student representatives ever. Benz was taken to hospital as a result of the accident, however the electorate voting. students when they were underpaid.” Even if he brings only his first promise no one else was injured. The Union’s legion of minibuses will be Hopefully, if Mr Frensch’s ambitious Unlike his predecessor, Mr Frensch to fruition he will have resuscitated the depleted for at least two months due to the extent of the damage; manifesto is anything to go by, the will have a Treasurer for support and GSA, which has been flat-lining for a the chassis could be written-off due to the incident. GSA will bring some tangible change with the recent appointment of a per- while. Defibrillate away Kilian!

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London felix 1,395 SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper Friday 8/2/08 ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2007.

Felix was brought to you by:

Editor-in-Chief Business Editor Music Editors LOLCATS Tom Roberts Afonso Campos Peter Sinclair Susan Yu Deputy & News Editor Politics Editors Andrew Somerville Li-Teck Lau Technology Editor Kadhim Shubber James Finnerty

News Editor OF TEH WEEK Matty Hoban Arts Editors Travel Editors Rosie Grayburn Nadine Richards Layout Editors Caz Knight Ahranyan Arnold Jemil Salami David Paw Sally Longstaff Emily Wilson Fashion Editor Sarah Skeete Copy Editors Nightlife Editor Louise Etheridge Greg Mead Sports Editor Tom Culley Jovan Nedić Anthony Maina Film Editor Gilead Amit Alex Casey Photography Jesse Garman Sally Longstaff Games Editors Vitali Lazurenko Science Editor Azfarul Islam Dave Murray Ed Henley Sebastian Nordgren Friday 8 February 2008 felix 3 [email protected] News Accusations and conflict over forum High profile panel attracts international debate: Political Philosophy Society caught in no man’s land

Andrew Somerville of conflicts from around the world, policy), Dr Azzam Tamimi (direc- Following this discovery, Prof New- disappointed at the treatment of Dr Deputy & News Editor inviting high-profile speakers on each tor of the Institute of Islamic Political man contacted the event organiser Tamimi, also levelling accusations of side to put forward their perspective Thought in London and Hamas sup- Ammar Waraich and said that he could pro-Israeli bias and Islamophobia at Controversy in the international press on the conflict. porter) and chaired by Greg Artus. not share a platform with a man “on ei- the distressed pair. surrounding an Imperial event has led The furore raised the tensions at the On Friday, footage was brought to ther side of the political debate” who The PPS issued a statement at the to accusations of bias in the event or- debate to such a level that mass protest the attention of Prof Newman by a “promotes the use of violence,” and event (see below) explaining the soci- ganisers, suppression of free speech, was feared, security was heightened, journalist showing Dr Tamimi on the withdrew from the debate. ety’s position. The majority of the de- and “bowing to Israeli pressure,” after and several members of the audience BBC’s Hardtalk programme, and on an Dr Tamimi’s comments were previ- bate ran smoothly and was attended Dr Azzam Tamimi, one of the speakers vocalised their offence, one member of Iranian TV station. In these videos Dr ously unknown to the PPS event organ- by almost 150 people. However, this originally invited to participate, was the PPS was even angry enough to also Tamimi appeared to voice his support isers and, wishing to avoid controversy, statement did not quell some of the asked not to attend after it was alleged voice support of suicide bombing. and admiration of suicide bombers: they then arranged a second speaker, ill-feeling in the audience, especially as that he supports suicide bombing. The original speakers invited to the stating that martyrdom was “glorious Ghada Karmi, to replace Dr Tamimi, the event itself was on such a divisive The row centres around the first ‘Israel/Palestine’ forum were Robin and honourable,” and in response to and invited Prof Newman to rejoin the issue. One member of the audience event in ICU Political Philosophy So- Kealy (former UK Consul-General a question on suicide bombing: “You panel, which he accepted. called for an apology from the society ciety’s (PPS) inaugural ‘Conflict Case in Jerusalem), Prof David Newman see sacrificing myself for Palestine is a The Jerusalem Post, a widely read over the treatment of Dr Tamimi, and Study Week’ on the topic ‘Israel/Pales- (professor of political geography at noble cause. It is the straight way to Israeli newspaper, subsequently pub- accused the event of paralleling the tine.’ The week is designed to examine Ben-Gurion University and prominent pleasing my God and I would do it if I lished a story stating that Prof New- “Israeli-dictated” situation in Palestine, the core themes and events of a series speaker advocating progressive Israeli had the opportunity.” man had withdrawn from the debate, even going on to say during the discus- an article which was widely dissemi- sion of terrorist activity that: “...I also nated in various press publications. support suicide bombing, in that case.” Meanwhile the event organisers Am- The organisers will be relieved that mar Waraich and Farid Froghi were the event marginally managed to avoid subject to a barrage of angry emails, descending from conflict study into an messages and phone calls from people outright conflict in itself.

ICU Political Philosophy Society: Official statement by Ammar Waraich

Regarding the launch event in our ‘Conflict Case Study Week’ enti- tled ‘Israel/Palestine’, the panel was not as it was originally advertised and Dr Azzam Tamimi was replaced by Ghada Karmi. This change in speakers took place to carry on with the event as we originally intended it to be, where representatives from all countries would be present, which would not have been possible with the original panel due to some irresolvable differences. The sad fact is that some inaccurate and hasty reporting from the Jerusalem Post made the situation worse in what we feel was an at- tempt to malign the reputation of our society, our university, and all speakers involved. We would like to protest such poor journalism and will do what it takes to clear our name. We have also received criticism about limiting freedom of expres- sion and being sensitive to external influence. To that effect, we would like to make it known that an offer to appear at a debate in the near future has been made to Dr Tamimi and he has accepted. The Imperial College Union Political Philosophy Society reserves the right to call upon any speaker it chooses to in its endeavor to promote a fair and free exchange of dialogue and ideas. The panel, from left to right: Ghada Karmi, Greg Artus, Robin Kealy and David Newman Babar Ahmad at the centre of bugging row Heated debate as ex-Imperial computer technician and MP Sadiq Khan under “illegal” surveillance

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On 15 November U of London Union) porting websites and raising money for within a table during the meetings. only appropriate circumstances for a Motion of No Co Rupert Neate Editor council chair, Luca result of homophob terrorist groups. He was subsequently MPs are protected by law from bug- bugging an MP is when they are sus- As previously re (1333) Manfredi p Charles Clarke, Home secretary released without charge after six days, ging, whilst supporters of Mr Ahmad pected of “being involved in some sort bic messages on has order the extradition of Babar message board. Co Ahmad. The 31 year old former included, “I would but in August 2004 he was arrested see it as another infringement of his of conspiracy.” Imperial College computer techni- and shoot my gay cian is accused of running terrorist- Nicky Grant, (UL civil rights. Felix spoke to ex-Imperial Justice Secretary Jack Straw has supporting websites and recruiting again on an Extradition Warrant issued of Welfare and new members for terrorist organisa- who proposed the tions in Chechnya and Afghanistan. by the United States and has remained College Union Councillor Kareem Os- launched an enquiry into the bugging impassioned spee The US Department of State has that every studen claimed that websites run by Mr study in an envir in prison since. man, who protested the treatment of events, which Mr Khan stated he was Ahmad urged Muslims to use “every prejudice, no on means at their disposal” to train for study in fear. Th jihad, or holy war. Mr Ahmad is still being held in Mr Ahmad at the time of his arrest in pleased about, however as tensions tion for threats o The home office said it had “given- individuals… The full consideration” to representa expressed by st Woodhill Prison where Tooting MP 2004. Mr Osman felt that the bugging rise in Parliament Mr Ahmad remains tions made on Mr Ahmad’s behalf. resolve that we Mr Ahmad, speaking from Woodhill in the chair”. prison in Milton Keynes said: “This Sadiq Khan visited him in 2005 and was “outrageous ... because Mr Ahmad forgotten in all of this, with his situa- Luca Manfred decision should only come as a deal of “stupidi surprise to those who thought that Imperial College Union has supported a fair trial of Mr Ahmad in the UK Lawyers acting for Mr Ahmad are 2006during which the bugging took has already wasted four years of his tion unchanged and a 50-year sentence said “if I could there was still justice for Muslims in most prominent last year, it hasn’t concerned that he could face the would and stop Britain. I entrust my affairs to Allah High Court. prevented the Home Secretary’s death penalty if he is sent to the decision. Our policy still stands, so US and then transferred to military- I said.” place. Since his second imprisonment, life in prison” and that not being able in a US prison a realistic possibility and His Words from the Quran”.ill be On 17 May magistratest dited ruled but orted by the t th extradition hear hb Students pictured protesting the extradition of Babar Ahmad to the US Mr Ahmad has attempted to have his to communicate with his MP in con- even after the UK originally released on the front page of Felix in November 2005 extradition appeal heard in court on a fidence “like you would your lawyer or him without charge. 4 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of Felix Ammar Waraich and me

he hand’s healing up well, dred miles an hour, Mister Forrest the thanks for asking. The scientist? What kind of fucking irony is week’s been fairly pain- that, exactly? less, other than the con- Truthfully, I enjoy the comment sec- T stant wanking jokes I’ve tion. I think of us as the Felix equiva- had fired at me every time I explain my lent of Have I Got News For You – a injury. Good god. Anyway, as I slowly few disgruntled regulars who try to be A. Geek regain the use of my hands and finish quick-witted where they can, and take adding everyone who made that joke the piss out of the guest writers where to the torture list, I find myself read- they can’t. But if this is your favourite ing Felix properly for the first time in a section of Felix, then you’re wasting week. I know, I write for it, but frankly your fucking time. All of you, in fact, that makes me less likely to bother are wasting your time. Except Ammar reading it, all right? I spend literally Waraich. minutes every week churning this stuff That name probably doesn’t ring a out, thank you very much, when all bell, because you don’t look at a writ- you can manage is to gurn at the text er’s name all that often, and if you did during a Friday afternoon lecture. And read the articles I’m about to talk about then complain, or something. then the writer’s name was probably Naturally, I turn to my stuff first. the last thing you were interested in. The good doctor: A picture from Ammar Waraich’s (left) trip There’s something weird about go- However, if you don’t regularly read ing over what you’ve written, because as far back through Felix as the Travel it’s only then you realise just how shit Section, then I implore you to hunt survival, lack of resources, more death, bricks on a floor or talk very loudly in it is. But what struck me even more down the last few weeks of back cop- more suffering, and yes, it’s Africa, English at bemused children. Ammar’s strongly was just how shit the rest of it ies and take it all in, because the most we’ve all seen Live Aid, right? We don’t account is powerful, honest to a fault, was. I mean, the comments section is gripping journalism of Felix’s year may need to see another trip around that and illustrated by some of the finest burgeoning with, you know, comment. have just passed you by. big place with the trees. images I’ve seen. I can’t criticise it. I And that’s great. I’m all for people giv- Hang on, the hyperbole machine’s The thing is – as with all student can’t be cynical or harsh. It’s just great ing their opinion. It’s just that it’s all just stalled. While I try and restart it, journalism – there’s something dif- journalism, and it puts whining shits pretty much bollocks. Check out last just go and have a look at one of the ferent about seeing someone who such as myself to shame. Naturally, I week – page one includes two tits dis- past weeks. Mr. Waraich is a medical isn’t intentionally trying to publicise This is what being a student is about cussing whether we’d rather pay thirty student, who took it upon himself last something, being put up against the – seeing the world with eyes that aren’t turn to my stuff thousand pounds this year, or in five summer to do a placement for a month reality of the thing in question. That’s jaded by experience and bias, seeing it years’ time. Then there’s me, a self- out in rural Kenya. Far from being why Emily Wilson’s critique of art in first-hand and relating it to others. It first. There’s obsessed cretin with a beret and a copy full of white people in khaki chasing London is so frequently hilarious, and makes me thoroughly proud to be a “ of A Very Short Introduction To Sound- leopards with cameras and suchlike, it it’s why Ammar’s experience of be- writer, and simultaneously ashamed of something weird ing Like A Philosophical Tit. You’ve got turns out that rural Kenya is actually ing a doctor in Africa is so absolutely my incapability to match his frankness. Master-of-the-Overextended-Analogy in pretty bad shape. Not the kind of fresh and cutting. He tells you that he As we sail on into Valentine’s Day like about going over Mr. Amit throwing another (admit- bad shape that you see on the news – was angry with people for not follow- an elephant on a Hornby train at the tedly loveable) literary curveball at there’s nothing immediately awful go- ing what he saw to be common sense edge of a rather pink minefield, clutch- what you’ve you, and Samuel Black – Captain Pseu- ing down out there, not some horrible – only to find that it was poverty and ing closer to our loved ones and curs- donym who would probably marry disaster occurring that BBC News 24 exploitation that had forced them into ing our inability to spend a banker’s written, because his pen name if he loved it any more, hasn’t managed to pipe into your eye- such situations. He tells quite harrow- wage on a diamond the size of our although that would merely force him balls. It’s just sitting there. Festering, ing stories about how he failed to save genitalia, I’m not asking but demand- it’s only then you to change his name to it, thus negating almost. lives by a matter of minutes. ing that you go and hunt his writing the entire point of it. If you can choke down my Schaden- We all know people who’ve been on down. It defines, for me at least, what realise just how And Noel Forrest! Mr. Forrest of freude, I’ll elaborate a little – his ex- gap years and whatnot, and probably it means to be young and free in this Felix 1393 – the doors rotate slower ploits in Kenya take him quite far afield. read their pisspoor attempts at chroni- world. Something that, by reading his shit it is than the Earth? Slower than the Earth, Off the beaten track lies, amongst oth- cling it, but even the furthest jour- words, you may come to cherish even which rotates at more than nine hun- er things, death, suffering, knife-edge neyman did little other than lay some more. ” Leave Britney alone!

he recent spate of celeb- sage notification service called ‘eVul- Brooker know for sure that the Milk is Brooker goes on to callously point rity deaths is causing no ture’ to advise customers of recent ce- Tray Man is still with us? What if he out that he could make money out of end of concern for the av- lebrity deaths. He dares to recommend found out that the he’d died in a skiing these poor, real people’s misfortunes. erage citizen. First Heath this to us, the caring public, jibing in accident or something? Perhaps that This is, of course, just the latest in a T Ledger was cruelly ripped his feckless, irresponsible manner with might wipe the gawping smile off his series of “I hate, I hate, I hate” diatribes from our bosoms and now Jeremy Bea- his fat, stupid lips that “if you want to pile-of-dog-turd-with-two-pokes-for- from the mealy-mouthed mother- dle joins the toll. It feels like only yes- be notified the moment the Milk Tray eyes-and-a-smear-for-a-mouth face? freaking Brooker in a desperate trans- terday that Richard Whiteley shuffled man winds up in a box of his own, then But no, without stopping for breath parent ploy to garner support for his off his mortal coil. I mean who’s next eVulture is the service for you”. Does or moral fibre, the rancid pus-flow that twisted celebrity-hating cadre. Only David Stewart – Terry Wogan? very recently was he found to be taking It is hard to come to terms with these the piss out of Jimmy Saville. emotional bombshells but, given time Even Britney Spears isn’t safe as he and the right sort of support, perhaps glibly sneers his way over her psycho- a few sensitively compiled retrospec- logical imbalances, or as most peo- tives, one hopes to be able to scrabble ple with the glimmer of a conscience together some sort of a life without would call it, humanity. I implore those Heath and Jeremy. who feel that our celebrities need to However, it is impossible to achieve be given our love and support to help such a remote objective when there is them stand up tall and proud upon the a small but persistently vociferous mi- earth and walk about with dignity and nority of people who seem to think it respect. very funny when famous people bite I implore you and exhort you to find the dust. Not least of these is the bul- the malicious Brooker, to hunt him bous freak-ball Charlie Brooker, who, down, and to kill him and all his love- in this Monday’s edition of G2, digs less cronies. Then when you are stand- another foot and a half towards hell ing over his body with a bloody sword as he spews his indiscriminate ill-will in one hand and his mobile phone over the dead bodies of the recently in the other, text all of your friends departed. His latest attempt at humour The shocking website asking visitors to predict the date of Britney’s and smugly notify them of Brooker’s involves him advocating a text mes- death to win a PS3 passing. Friday 8 February 2008 felix 5 [email protected] Comment Read between the headlines

’m foreign. As a consequence, print media defines the person. Times on Sunday for theatre reviews? The intelligent man’s newspaper. Or I don’t like Marmite, have lit- My situation is further complicated Will the News of the World be proof- is it? Maybe it’s become too popular. tle patience for scatological in- by the fact that I have not yet under- read this week? Which paper should I Maybe that’s the latest fashion and nuendo, and speak more than stood these subtle distinctions. I still take? What to do? I’m just jumping on the bandwagon. I I one language. Despite this, I don’t know which newspaper repre- The names stare at me from the rack. don’t like being a follower … I should think I’m adapting fairly well to the sents which position. Even more prob- The Guardian. The Times. The Daily be a trendsetter. Choose a paper that customs of this sceptred isle. In one lematically, I’m not even sure which Telegraph, the Daily Mail, the Evening no-one ever reads, like the Observer. thing, though, I continually display my position I hold, or would like to be Standard. I take a wild guess and as- Or the Financial Times – meaning- ignorance; and that is when it comes to seen as holding. My knowledge is re- sume that the Star and the Sun are less numbers, statistics, and symbols choosing newspapers. ally very limited. When I walk into a not the most literary of choices. I have backed by incomprehensible pseudo- Gilead Amit Every country has its own wide selec- newsagents’ with a friend, which pa- also learned (the hard way) that Metro theory. I am studying physics, so it tion of newspapers: those catering for per do I pick up? This one has a fairly and the London Paper are not for the should be right up my street. all colours of the political spectrum, conservative-looking typeface but uses discerning newsreader, but that really What’s the fashionable man about those dedicated to the entertainment- three exclamation marks in the head- doesn’t narrow the field. town reading this winter? Do I decide seekers, and those designed for the lines. That one has a heavily pixellated All I really know is that everyone based on font size? Number of pages? sports-mad. Yet few others countries picture of what I can only imagine is a loves jumping on the Daily Mail – figu- Breast size of centrefold? Complexity have the same national divisions along sinning celebrity; this one has a com- ratively and literally. I have no idea of crossword? Percentage of paper giv- paper lines. Here, you are judged im- pletely pixel-free version of the same myself, of course, but I think I may en over to the sports section? Number mediately by the sort of newspaper you picture. Which one to choose? Is the get funny looks later on if I admit to of swear words in the headlines? Or read. Choose a paper and your position Guardian a good choice for a cynic reading it. Better leave it. How about should I decide based on something as is carved in stone. You will be accepted with little interest in sports and even the Times? Ah, now obviously I know pedestrian as price? by fellow readers of that newspaper and less interest in economics? Will the In- about the Times. This is the Rolls- In all honesty, I can’t decide on a real have your position ridiculed by every- dependent satiate my craving for celeb- Royce of newspapers, even though it newspaper to read. I think I’ll just stick one else. In this country, the choice of rity gossip? Can the Spectator rival the has been reduced to tabloid format. to Felix. Cleaning the cover

hat's the opposite only to realise that the girl is only sitting on radiators to celebrate the his- Awareness Week. Some misguided of blind? No, not sobbing like that because EastEnders toric land of Nazareth. Similarly there mistake put me in a position of respon- 20/20. The other taught her how Sadness Looks. It all is a cultural cage of sands and snakes, sibility (and power*), and I am ecstatic end of the spec- gets a bit vague. Once though, I saw a camels and caravans, turbans and Tali- to see the rappers, the clean aesthetic, W trum, like when sleeping tramp! But I was so mortified ban that surrounds Islam in the mod- the history of 'Islamic' invention and Weirdos yank your eyeballs out, lick at the Gritty Real World Drama that I ern psyche. It alienates me as a Muslim the multitude of ethnic backgrounds them and suck them before squeezing quickly graffitied his face with my my too. involved, as well as the decision not them (now lubricated, so it’s easy) back biro, covering it in ironic dollars. How It does injustice to the universality of to hire out snake charmers and camel into your eye sockets for you to see the terribly LOL. I took a photo and pho- Islam's message. Of course there is the costumes. As aforementioned this is Omar Hafeez-Bore world through the eyes of a Weirdo. toshopped it just to be sure. Sunnah, the importance and adherence partly fighting fire with fire, pitting Well, I feel like I have been Weirdo-d It seems we are wading through a to the actions of the Prophet (pbuh) one bit of cultural flab with another, by Photoshop. man-made veneer. There is so much as an example unto humanity, com- but hopefully they'll fight it out (as flab Everywhere I look, Design gets there comment, image and reverse-neo- ing with it things that are superficially tends to) into neutralisation and get us first, fooling me with its trendy curves, post-modern-not-reallyness that get- linked to Middle Eastern culture; but to see past the blubber to some kind of well-chosen font and minimalist col- ting to golden nuggets of actual truth is for deep contentment there requires a truth beneath. One that we can all read ours. Or its sexy, macro-shot, soft-lit exhausting. By the way I'm a Muslim. harmony between faith and one's envi- with untainted spectacles, and be that Chicken McHeartAttack. Or its com- Stop. Wait. ronmental and social framework. little bit more wise for it. forting, wood-panelled homely feel re- I say it because even my beloved faith What is the red pill? To unplug from *Uncle Ben/Huda minding me of my days spent catching has been coated with a cultural varnish. this alienating Matrix of media and im- butterflies and frolicking gaily through One that needs to be stripped. age to intellectual Terra Firma? Knowl- Islamic Awareness Week runs my grandad's corn-field while he took On the one hand we have the incred- edge. Proper, bookish facts. And fight- from the 18th February with the a midday siesta underneath the old ap- ible unifying effect of a common reli- ing fire with fire: a generation carving Exhibition in Sherfield Stairway ple tree. In Birmingham. gious tongue and a consistent criterion a new niche in a new habitat. on the Monday and Thursday. My Incredible Imperial Intellect (III) of belief. Stealing its glory is a forced And thus I come subtly to Islamic (Literally) Unmissable. deduced a long time ago that the real synonymity between Islam and the world was in hiding. Every now and arabesque (or pakiesque). I don't see then I think I get a glimpse of truth the Pope rolling around in sandpits or Be the change you want to see

International Medical Corps UK Communications Website/Graphic Design Intern Have some balls London Salary negotiable y rainy Tuesday made a day before the announcement: started with a rather “Malawi had only recently denied it predictable head- had switched its allegiances from Tai- A fantastic opportunity has arisen to work for a renowned international organisation as a line “Malawi severs pei to Beijing”. I mean, for goodness’ Communications Website/Graphic Design Intern. M links with Taiwan” sake, have some guts and balls to say scrawled across the BBC website. you are going to do whatever you think Background International medical Corps UK is a global humanitarian organisation saving and As some of you may be aware of the is right. Don’t go around telling people rebuilding lives through health care, training and community development. IMC UK problem across the Taiwanese strait, you are one thing, and then backstab works along side IMC worldwide which over the past two decades, has responded to it is not uncommon to see developing them afterwards – stab them there and humanitarian emergencies and communities afflicted by conflict, poverty and natural countries switch recognition between then – make your word accountable. disaster in more than 20 countries. Giramondo Taipei and Beijing. While this should How can any nation be of any integrity have been a proud honoured politi- if they go back on their word? Scope of Work The communications intern will report to the Communications Assistant and will work cal statement by Malawi to declare In some ways the US defiance of the with the communications team to build the profile of IMC UK by developing our current their stance of political ideology akin UN and invading Iraq is better: they’ve website. Duties will include: to UK standing behind US in inter- got the guts to do so. No wonder some • Updating the IMC UK website on a regular basis national issues, Malawi’s moves have nations stay small and insignificant. • The post holder will be responsible for supporting the communications assistant on now been reduced to mere squabbling In some ways I admire Chavez, Ah- a range of communications activities including print, electronic and web-based media, press and supporting the coordination of various outreach events over which side they can squeeze more madinejad, and Juan Carlos for saying • Responsibility for any other administrative and general duties assigned to you by the financial gain out of. Rumours of the what’s on their minds rather than some Communications Assistant Marshall Island following suit are also politically correct shyte. Be direct, being reported. state your point, and say the unsayable! Requirements What really annoyed me wasn’t re- How satisfying was it when the King • Graphic Design and IT Skills ally the move, I respect people for reprimanded Chavez to shut up! • Knowledge of InDesign and/or QuarkXpress Dreamweaver • Strong interest in the humanitarian sector and a willingness to learn choosing their sides and in a harsh When will we hear the Fukuda tell world – yes – the abandoned side gets the Chinese to “just drop the past!”? Or If you are interested in the role, contact Laurence Holmes. Telephone: 020 hurt. But what really fucked me up was when could the Latvians tell the Rus- 7553 4069 or email: [email protected] the statement the Malawian officials sian to “sod off” about some statues? 6 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Comment [email protected] Weighing up the cost of fair trade

veryone who digs deep costs more than £2 on the high street, enough in Felix every week the farmer sees 1.5p on average. If the to get as far as this page Fairtrade version costs more, this is probably also noticed that for three main reasons: the fraction of E Imperial has recently be- a penny the farmer gets more for his come a Fairtrade University. Among product, the higher cost of distribut- other things this has to do with the fact ing Fairtrade products because they that every coffee you buy on campus still have a smaller market and last, but (as well as every tea and many of the definitely not least, the retailer’s greed. Jonas Neubert other treats supplied by College Cater- If the latter takes over, even I as a Fair- ing) is Fairtrade certified. As a member trade supporter would advise you to of Imperial’s Fairtrade Society it sur- vote with your feet and walk to a dif- prises me regularly to see how many of ferent coffee shop. those coffee and tea drinkers are com- Now Matt asks where the free market pletely ignorant about the meaning of is in this case. I don’t know how he could the term Fairtrade. So I was glad to see miss it! Having the choice between two that someone has enough interest in different products, Fairtrade and non- I think the topic to raise it in the last issue of Fairtrade, and the choice of where to Brown gold for some; fair trade can help make it profitable for all Felix where “Matt the Hat” expresses buy either, how could the market be everyone of us concerns about how fair Fairtrade is to freer and fairer? As opposed to the EU, the consumer and whether free trade Fairtrade does not subsidise produc- seen in Fairtrade. Just ask yourself: Is balls no one will produce them any should find out might be fairer than Fairtrade. These ers. Let me explain this with the exam- it a subsidy if a Jaguar X-Type is more more. That’s why I think everyone of “ are two interesting questions but I ple of Fairtrade footballs (yes, they do expensive than a Ford Mondeo? us should find out enough about Fair- enough about think Matt missed a point on both of exist). 90% of the world’s footballs are Fairtrade should also not be con- trade to make a conscious decision as them. produced in Pakistan and while no one fused with charity. Matt remembers to whether to buy Fairtrade footballs or Why are Fairtrade things always so counted it is believed that a good 30% the principle of “how people prefer not. And if you don’t need a football, it Fairtrade to make much more expensive than the “nor- are produced by child labourers. I have fishing rods over truckloads of fish”. also works with coffee, or tea, or choc- mal” stuff? Well, to start with: They the option of buying the cheap football Giving people the fishing rods is ex- olate, anything you can dream of! a conscious aren’t. When Imperial’s coffees became made by a child who will never go to actly what Fairtrade does. When farm- Having said this I will use the last few Fairtrade two years ago the price didn’t school and one that is made by an adult ers use the Fairtrade premium they are sentences of this letter to shamelessly decision as rise. And if you go to the supermar- who earns a wage that I would consider paid to make their production organic plug the current campaign run by Im- ket you will notice that sometimes the appropriate for making me a football. so they can sell it for higher prices, the perial’s Fairtrade Society. Because we to whether to Fairtrade coffee is in fact cheaper than And there is the factory owner who has Fairtrade premium was like a fishing want to raise awareness of Fairtrade the non-Fairtrade. Admittedly, these the choice of employing children and rod to them. we invite everyone to ask their ques- buy Fairtrade are exceptions. paying them next to nothing or fulfill- Matt is right about one thing though: tion about Fairtrade (critical com- There are cases where retailers want ing a range of criteria to become Fair- since Fairtrade relies on the free mar- ments phrased as questions are also footballs or to earn from people’s consciousness trade certified. This is the free mar- ket we need the economy to “tip back very welcome). I won’t mention all the not about issues such as Fairtrade. For a ket with two products competing for in their favour”. In plain English that cool prizes you can win by taking part ” cup of cappuccino which I was told demand. Subsidies are nowhere to be means if we don’t buy Fairtrade foot- on www.imperialfairtrade.org.uk.

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Science Science Editor – Ed Henley [email protected] Hot science: Cold prevention at IC Sally Longstaff reports on how a team at Imperial is leading the way in tackling the common cold, by infecting mice with rhinoviruses. Great news for asthma sufferers, but cold comfort for the sniffly mice...

arlier this month, a team of and GlaxoSmithKline. Sir Leszek Bory- scientists headed by Impe- siewicz, chief executive of the Medical rial’s Professor Sebastian Research Council, said: “This impor- Johnston announced in Na- SNIFFLEZ tant and fundamental discovery will E ture Medicine that they have enable us to understand the effects rhi- successfully infected mice with rhino- noviruses and common colds have on viruses for the first time. our health. It will open up new paths It had been previously thought that to finding treatments which have been these viruses, which cause about 75% delayed for many years and provides of common colds, could only infect hu- us with the opportunities for further mans and chimps. Professor Johnston, breakthroughs in the future.” from IC’s MRC/Asthma UK Centre in This experiment is of great interest Allergic Mechanisms of Asthma, says: to the scientific community, and many “Until now it has not been possible to newspapers and other publications study rhinovirus infection in small ani- have lauded this as a “breakthrough”. mals. This has been a major obstacle to Mice are often used as models of dis- developing new treatments and there ease and to test treatments. Because is currently no effective treatment for previously the rhinovirus was only able rhinovirus infection.” to infect higher primates, this made The reason for this “immunity” of research difficult. By finding a way to other animals to rhinoviruses is mainly infect mice, this study represents a very due to a binding molecule, found in significant step forward. 90% of rhinoviruses, called ICAM-1. However, animal models of human This is found on the surface of human disease are a very early step and it may cells and it is this that the viruses use I CAN HAS TISHOOZ? take many years for new treatments to as a receptor to bind to the cells. Other become available. A significant obtacle, smaller animals do not have this recep- amongst other problems, is that viruses tor, and so as Professor Johnston says: have many different strains; developing “the virus couldn’t infect the mouse cell a treatment that will cure every cold because the receptor (acting like a door in response to infections. the virus with an allergic reaction to could provide models of rhinovirus in- will be nigh on impossible. key) couldn’t get into the cell.” His team Whilst rhinoviruses are at worst an ovalbumin (found in egg white) and fection, whch the researchers conclude It is also important to consider the modified the receptor in mice, allowing inconvenience to most of the popula- observed that the mice showed simi- could be useful when investigating risks of overprescribing medication. the infection into the cells. tion, they can have severe and even fa- lar symptoms to humans when asthma treatments for both the common cold The common cold, as mentioned, is Over two weeks, the mice were then tal consequences for some. For asthma is worsened by a viral infection. At and asthma. These findings could also a mere irritant to most of the popula- studied for any symptoms and had sufferers like myself they can trigger present the only preventative measure develop further, aiding research into tion, and only dangerous to a few. The their lung fluid analysed for the pres- asthma attacks, pneumonia in people for virally-induced asthma attacks is to other conditions, including chronic widespread use of medications to treat ence of mucus proteins and interfer- with weakened immune systems, and use steroids, only partially effective. obstructive pulmonary disease. common colds may lead to the devel- ons, cytokines and chemokines – pro- chronic bronchitis and emphysema. As the mice responded similarly to The research was funded by the opment of resistant strains – potential- teins produced by the immune system The team combined exposure to humans, this leads to hopes that they Medical Research Council, Asthma UK ly threatening to the most susceptible.

The 2004 tsunami, the ionosphere, Arecibo and the STFC: all connected?

Edmund Henley Another main cause of change in search a few weeks ago think might the ionosphere is also due to the sun: explain their observations. They were I’ll warn you at the outset that this is radiation. The ionosphere is electri- using the Arecibo radio dish on Puerto rather a navel-gazing article, as the cally conducting because radiation at Rico to probe the ionosphere around topic for today’s story has been cho- frequencies from UV and above ion- the time of the tsunami, and found that sen for somewhat ulterior motives. I’ll ises the neutral atoms, leaving a cloud abut 25 hours after that event, an unex- reveal those motives at the end, when of ions and electrons. Though these pected rise and fall in one ionospheric it’s time for some editorialising. In the attract each other, and so should po- layer occurred. Unusual, because it oc- meantime, it’s high time for an expla- tentially recombine, the atmosphere at curred at night, and when there was nation: how could the ionosphere and ionospheric altitudes is so tenuous that little magnetospheric activity, immedi- the 2004 tsunami possibly be linked? this cloud of charged particles can per- ately ruling out two of the above caus- On the face of it, it is hard to see how sist for long times, as a plasma, provid- es for ionospheric changes. Nor did it one might affect the other. The 2004 ing the generation mechanism – the look like this was due to waves caused tsunami (triggered by a magnitude ~9.2 sun – is visible, offsetting any losses by a storm – there were none nearby at earthquake off the coast of Sumatra on due to recombination. At night, when the time. Instead, Lee et al. suggest that the 26th of December) powerful as it the sun has no effect, the number of the tsunami waves on the ocean caused may have been, occurred at sea level. charged particles decreases greatly. associated gravity waves (nothing to do The ionosphere, an electrically con- Some of you may have had practical with space-time: these are waves due ductive layer of the atmosphere (the experience of this, if you listen to long- to fluid parcels being displaced into Dishy: the Arecibo radio telescope is really rather a looker highest one, in fact) lies far above, be- wave radio stations: the signals bounce regions of different density – gravity tween 85-600 km altitude. And though off the ionosphere, at an altitude where or buoyancy acts as a restoring force, it forms the upper edge of the atmos- the number of free electrons floating causing oscillation about an equiib- research area which the above study ing the complicated interactions from phere, potentially linking it to events around causes that layer to become rium) in the atmosphere. The effects of belongs to: STFC has said it will “cease the solar wind all the way down to the lower down, it is also the lower edge opaque to radio waves, and act like a these gravity waves leaked into the ion- all support for ground-based solar-ter- atmosphere as one cohesive system, of the magnetosphere – the mirror instead. As this altitude osphere, causing the variations seen at restrial physics facilities”. This is where which needs to be treated as such to be bubble-like region changes over the course of a Arecibo, and also by various GPS satel- I need to confess something: I might understood. The above study is a nice which Earth’s mag- day, it affects the range of lites, which are sensitive to the electron not be entirely objective here, as my example of energy transfer between netic field carves radio signals: a higher content of the ionosphere. research area involves looking at part regions covered by different funding out of the solar layer means signals What has this got to do with the of the magnetospheric system. My area councils: the STFC above, and the wind, a flow of from further away Science and Technologies Facilities does not directly look quite so threat- Natural Environment Research Coun- plasma stream- can be picked up. Council (STFC), the body which funds ened, yet for various personal reasons, cil below. At a time when we recognise ing outwards past However, iono- astronomical, space science and parti- I see the loss of UK solar-terrestrial the need to understand the processes us from the sun. The spheric changes are cle physics research in the UK? Keen physics ground facilities as a blow. affecting climate, surely it is foolish to ionophere’s location and also due to atmospheric ef- readers of science news amongst you You see, the UK is really rather good squander world-class expertise in an conductive nature means that fects, which may in turn be due to may have spotted that the STFC is at solar terrestrial physics, and puts its area interacting with climatic science, changes in the solar wind and magnet- changes all the way down at the sur- going through a funding crisis at the facilities to good use. I almost went to merely because the funding councils osphere, such as those associated with face. And it’s this type of mechanism moment – there’s an £80 million hole do my Ph.D. at Leicester, a particularly define a remit boundary at a particular aurorae, can have significant effects on which American researchers publish- in its budget, which threatens swinge- strong institute currently under threat, altitude, a boundary which is flouted in the ionosphere. ing in the Journal of Geophysical Re- ing cuts in many areas. Notably in the as I was attracted to their way of view- at least this case, and likely in others? 10 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Politics Politics Editors – Li-Teck Lau and Kadhim Shubber [email protected] The results of Super Tuesday! Last Tuesday voters in 24 states went to the ballot box to vote in Democratic and Republican primaries

How does it all work?

Presidential election Primaries and Caucuses are basically two different methods of accom- plishing the same thing. They are, simply, a way in which each political party (Democrat- ic and Republican) lets voters around the U.S. choose their party’s presidential candidate. More technically, presidential primaries and caucuses are the way that delegates or repre- sentatives from each state, are selected to go to the party’s national convention. The party’s national conven- tion is usually held the sum- mer before the presidential election. Each party chooses a Starting at top left – John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Mike Huckabee From left – Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama presidential nominee based on how representatives from each state vote at the convention. fter Super Tuesday, John Romney and Huckabee. he race to secure the was focused on winning the big states, Both parties select their dele- McCain has cemented Mitt Romney certainly had a bad democratic nomination ignoring the many smaller states that gates based on the primary or his position as front-run- night on Tuesday. He is significantly remains neck and neck went to Obama. In addition, Obama caucuses vote in each particu- ner for the Republican behind John McCain in terms of dele- after a largely inconclu- did welll even in the states he lost, and lar state – the delegates repre- A nomination. However gates. He won 7 states but only accrued T sive Super Tuesday for in the democratic system where every sent the views of the voters in the race is not over, with Mike Hucka- 176 delegates as a result. The McCain Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. vote counts this could prove to be im- the state. bee’s surprise performance turning it campaign team has certainly tried to Their wins are largely balanced and it portant as the campaign continues. At the Republican party con- into a 3-horse contest. portray Romney as out of the race, by doesn’t seem too unbelievable to sug- The Obama campaign had a mixed vention, a winner takes all sys- John McCain won the big states, releasing a memo penned by McCain gest that the nomination might still be night. While there is certainly no tem is used. The candidate with New York and California, as well as 7 strategist Charlie Black. “With Mike contested at the Democratic National grounds to suggest that he isn’t a seri- the most votes in a states cau- other states giving him a total win of Huckabee still a factor in this race, Convention. ous contender, there is the feeling that cus or primary wins all the del- 511 delegates. His performance posi- particularly in the South, and many Hillary Clinton won 8 states, 5 less Obama’s supporters were hoping for a egates that the state sends to tions him as the front-runner but cer- contests moving forward proportional, than Barack Obama. However included knockout blow that would push them the national convention. How- tainly has not ended the race. There the math is nearly impossible for Mitt in these states were the big prizes such firmly into the lead. Instead the ‘cam- ever at the democratic conven- were mixed feelings at the McCain Romney to win the nomination,” he as California and New York. There- paign for change’ has really bought tion, a different system is used. camp after the victory. While he told wrote. fore the number of delegates that she more time in a race that seems to favour The number of delegates each the crowd “Tonight, I think we must Mike Huckabee is a thorn in the side won was 582, 20 more than Obama. Hillary the longer it goes on. There is candidate receives is propor- get used to the idea, that we are the for the Romney campaign. By directly The Clinton Camp was extremely op- some concern that despite the momen- tional to the number of votes Republican Party front-runner”, he was competing with Romney for conserva- timistic after Tuesday’s result. Clinton tum Senator Obama had built up in the received in each state primary also cautious, speaking in terms of a tive support, Huckabee has split the campaign spokesman Doug Hattaway previous week, he was unable to turn it or caucus. The number of del- “long way ahead”. Mr McCain has good Republican conservative vote and giv- had this to say, “The voters defied the into a decisive victory. However this is egates that each state can send reason to be cautious, he is still treated en McCain an opportunity to extend pundits’ expectations again, we’re ex- unlikely to dampen optimism amongst to the national convention is with suspicion by Republican conserv- his lead. it is becoming very likely that cited about beating the perceived mo- Obama’s campaigners and with reports determined by party rules. the atives who believe him to be soft on the Huckabee is staying in the race, pre- mentum that Obama had,” With Clin- that he raised more than $1m a day in state’s population, number of Democrats and somewhat of a maver- cisely to prevent Romney from winning ton still garnering support from female one recent month Barack Obama is elected officials in office and ick. Super Tuesday has shown us that the race. While Huckabee and McCain voters she certainly has cause for cel- definitely still in the race, and there is past support of party candi- Republican conservatives are still not do not agree on all of their policy, they ebration. The night did throw up some no indication that a clear winner is go- dates is considered to decide willing to embrace McCain, preferring do share a dislike of Mitt Romney cause for concern, the Clinton camp ing to appear any time soon. the number of delegates.

Dry Wit & Tonic Friday 8 February 2008 felix 11 [email protected] Politics Fresh, Life: just death and taxes delicious Abioye Oyetunji scandal Despite the UK being one of the most capitalistic countries in the world, it has never been particularly anti-tax. That’s not to say people enjoy paying taxes or wouldn’t mind their own par- ticular burden being reduced – they are human, after all. Instead, there simply isn’t a particularly strong belief that taxes should be low and there is remarkably little protest at the govern- ment raising taxes openly, introducing new ones or using stealth measures to increase taxes. The British people ap- pear to have made their peace with tax Samuel Black in a way that Americans (rightly, in this Political Know-It-All writer’s opinion) never will. There is one type of tax, however, ’m almost droolling, delicious for which this rule is blown out of the scandal, intrigue and misinfor- water. Despite being a tax that affects mation … Sorry, I’m just think- a remarkably small proportion of the ing about Tuesday’s Political population in any significant way there I Philosophy Society’s Israel/Pal- is surely no tax that is more despised estine discussion. throughout the country than that on Due to Dr. Azzam Tamimi being estates worth over £600,000 ($1.2m). Yes, they’re US Dollars, but you try find a high resolution photo of the good old Pound Sterling uninvited, there were whispers of pro- Doing my research for this article, it tests. Luckily Islamists did not protest was difficult to find a source (bar the outside the Sherfield building, but still government) that would discuss this is- omist hat. One of the reasons capital- part with property personally earned As alluded to earlier, a mere 6% of Brit- it was pretty tense. I began to suspect sue without making a shamelessly po- ists believe in low taxes is that tax dis- through hard work than property ish households pay a penny of inher- the bearded people sitting around me litical point on why inheritance tax is courages innovation, hard work, and “earned” by mere virtue of birth. I sup- itance tax and the majority of these … maybe they were going to start wav- so awful. Those who argue against the investment. It is self-evident that the pose this argument does not extend to pay a small amount. The average bill ing placards about free speech – hold tax are incensed by its role as a “double greater the financial reward that peo- lifetime gifts as I do not consider these last year was £100,000 and the median on, Muslims supporting free speech, tax”: they claim that the benefactor is ple will get for their work, the harder different from a salary. It is, rather, is undoubtedly lower. This may seem yes, reader, I too was confused. taxed once upon earning the money they will work. The hard work-low tax based on the fact that inheritance rep- like a lot of money but it really isn’t Proceedings began with an explana- and then again on death. This is being relationship applies for virtually every resents a person trying to influence for the wealthiest 6% of Britons when tion of this whole uninviting somebody rather pedantic. The sufferer of the tax type of tax … except inheritance tax. events on Earth that occur after their compared to their personal lifetime in- business. Basically “speaker replaced in the second instance is the heir, not Inheritance tax does very little dam- death. Something about exercising come, especially for having done noth- … blah blah … irresolvable differences the person who has died. Labour MP age to the country’s economy relative one’s rights after one’s demise is simply ing whatsoever (and having received blah blah”. All very boring until I heard Stephen Byers argued that inheritance to all other types of taxes. Worse still, a a bit more woolly than exercising those £850,000 in the average case). The only the Jerusalem Post being accused of tax is “a penalty on hard work, thrift, lack of inheritance tax potentially has a same rights while still alive – we all people who are really significantly af- poor journalism. Hey, it was suddenly and enterprise”. I fail to see how this is negative effect on the economy – why believe in the lifetime right to vote but fected by this tax are the tiny number getting interesting! the case for inheritance tax but not for work and contribute to society when what if someone decided to bequeath who have windfalls of over £5 million Unfortunately, the talk itself was income tax, capital gains tax, and every one can live off one’s inherited estate? a vote to their favourite political party coming to them (and if one is really tame. More scandal did however arise: single other type of tax that has ever It is strange, but there seems to be little for an election held after their death? worth that much, then one is a fool if Ghada Karmi read a statement con- existed. I will not make the point that reason to attack this tax in the name of Is this really all that different? there isn’t a clever Mayfair tax lawyer demning the treatment of Dr. Azzam inheritance tax is a good thing; on the fiscal efficiency. Lastly, I shall espouse an argument ensuring that tax bill never comes). Tamimi. She said that it was “unac- contrary, I consider anything that forc- Thinking more ideologically and less that I would not myself ever pay heed I cannot in good conscience promote ceptable to treat a good scholar in this es a person to part with their property practically, let us consider “fairness”, to, on the basis that it is selfish, but is inheritance tax as a good thing but I way” and that if she had known the (e.g., tax, robbery) to be a necessary indeed an important factor when con- one that many might find influences will stand by my view of it as a best-of- truth surrounding the uninvitation she evil at best and just plain evil at worst. sidering the need to force people to their feelings on the matter. Quite all-evils tax. This transcends party pol- “would have withdrawn from the talk”. My point, rather, is to take a step back part with their property. Again, I must frankly, unless your parents are par- itics; the left seem to love taxes anyway I still had no idea what this ‘truth’ was and consider this tax relative to other stress that all tax falls into the same ticularly wealthy and you plan on re- and the right should concern them- Finally, when the Q&A began, I got taxes. My point … is that inheritance bucket on this. Private property is an maining in a relatively low-paying job, selves about taxes that hit the hard- some GODDAMN ANSWERS! A tax is probably the least offensive of all inalienable right and all that. But there you have much more to personally gain working than those that hit the merely crazy man in the audience accused types of tax. must be measure. It is, surely, more from cuts in income and capital gains fortunate. I don’t expect many to agree the PPS of deceiving Imperial students First, let us put on our practical econ- inappropriate to force a person to tax than you do from inheritance tax. with me, but I suppose I never do. and said they should clarify just what the fuck is going on. He then directed a question at guest speaker David New- man: “Is there any Israeli who is man enough to share a platform with Tami- mi?” It was beginning to sound like a News from all over the known world pre-fight press conference. Mr. New- man explained everything, and I got the feeling the PPS didn’t quite want Li-Teck Lau Sarkozy reasserted his support for De- Italian turmoil New Year snow storms him to explain. He told us that HE in by’s government and pledged to assist fact withdrew from the talk, when he In case you couldn’t stomach reading militarily in the former colony should Commuters all over China battled found out who Dr. Azzam Tamimi more than a string of 50 words on poli- it be further threatened. against severe weather as many mil- was. Essentially David Newman did tics, here are some stories from across lions made their way home over the not want to share a platform with a the known world. last week for the New Year celebra- man who has said he was prepared to tions through some of the worst snow be a suicide bomber. He then told us storms the country has seen in recent that he did not ask for Tamimi to be times. The year of the Rat was wel- removed, just that he wouldn’t be at- comed in on Thursday on a calendar tending if Dr. Tamimi did. Good job of based on lunar observations. President laying the controversy right at the feet Hu Jin Tao made visits to some of the of the PPS. worst-hit regions. Some four million What the Jerusalem Post did to in- residents in Chenzhou, a city in Hunan cur the wrath of Imperial’s PPS was province, spent the celebrations with- publish an article stating that David Italy is facing more political troubles out electricity, as electricians and the Newman had withdrawn. The PPS was after President Giorgio Napolitano military worked extra hours in an at- trying to keep the whole affair about Chad under attack Eavesdropping dissolved the country’s Parliament last tempt to restore essential utilities shut which speaker to choose under wraps week, sparking an election within 70 down by the winter storms. and the Jerusalem Post ruined all that Chad’s capital N’Djamena was stormed Jack Straw, the UK’s Justice Minister, days by constitutional decree. It fol- by writing about it. While uninviting last Saturday in an unsuccessful at- came to the defence of fellow Labour lows the loss of a vote of confidence Dr. Tamimi was not an attack on free tempt by rebels from the east of the MP Sadiq Khan whose conversations on Prime Minister Romano Prodi in speech it would seem that the PPS central African country to oust Presi- with a terrorist suspect in prison were January, who subsequently submitted doesn’t appreciate the free press. If you dent Idriss Deby. The event sparked said to have been recorded, stating that his resignation. Problems began nearly were hoping for a shifty finances or an escalation in insurgent activity such news was an attempt to smear Mr. a year ago when Prodi’s government internal tensions scandal, don’t worry which the government of Chad claims Khan. Recording or bugging members failed to gain support in Parliament I’m sure there’ll be plenty of all that have been aided by its troubled neigh- of Parliament is in contravention of the for the funding of Italian troops in from the Union. See next page for fur- bour, Sudan. French President Nicolas so-called ‘Wilson Doctrine’. Afghanistan. ther information on the event. 12 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Politics [email protected] Conflict Case Study week begins Imperial’s Political Philosophy Society’s Conflict Case study week begins with a talk on Israel/Palestine

Kadhim Shubber hensive in their scope. He highlighted gains on certain issues and concede on the Oslo Accords as a symbol of this other issues, this successful dynamic he Imperial Political problem, and although both sides were can only exist if all the issues are on the Philosophy Society, on brought together in negotiations, the table and therefore in order to get real Tuesday night, held a dis- real intractable issues, such as Jerusa- progress completely comprehensive cussion on the Israel/Pal- lem, refugees, Israeli settlements in the negotiations must take place. T estine conflict. They in- area, and security and borders were In many ways Mr. Kealy talked about vited three guest speakers to give their not addressed. Mr. Kealy was clear the challenges facing diplomats rather views and answer questions from the about how he felt successful agree- than the issues on the ground today. audience: Robin Kealy, former Consu- ments would be accomplished. Com- However, he did succinctly state the late General to Jerusalem; David New- pletely “comprehensive negotiations” central issues. Who will control the man, Professor of Political Geography are absolutely indispensable because borders in a possible two state solu- at Ben-Gurion University; and Ghada (a) each issue is unavoidably linked to tion? What is a viable Palestinian state, Karmi, Research Fellow and lecturer at each other, and (b) for negotiations to and what form will it take? What will the University of Exeter. Eeach spoke be successful there must be a win-win become of Jerusalem – can it be shared at length on this controversial conflict. situation. Each side must believe that or divided? (He reminded us that the Felix has already run articles by myself any concession “costs him less than UN planned to make Jerusalem a cor- and others on the issue; the purpose pus separatum in 1947, meaning that of this article is to give those who did it would have been placed under effec- not attend a feel of the interesting ideas “A little pre- tive United Nations control, a ‘free city’ put forward, and those who did attend if you like.) What is the nature of the Qassam rockets being made in Gaza, prior to being fired into Israel a chance to reflect on a fast-paced cooking helps right of return? He did take some time discussion. to investigate this issue. Robin Kealy I’m envious of the sardonic way he litical will, guts, and charisma needed Robin Kealy began the proceedings when you come reminded us of the difference between dismissed Bush’s attempts to engineer to make high-level negotiations begin with some background on the negotia- agreements in principle and agree- peace in Israel/Palestine by mocking and work. There is plenty of ‘Track 2’ tions that have gone on in the past and to the dining ments that are followed by real chang- the fact that Bush only just “discovered discourse between Palestinians and Is- his experiences as consulate general to es. While the right of return may be the Israel/Palestine conflict 7 years raelis (Track 2 meaning academics and Jerusalem. In true diplomatic nature room” agreed, this does not necessarily mean into his presidency”. Aside from this low-level ministers) but concrete peace he treated the events and issues with that all Palestinian refugees must re- humorous jibe, Mr. Newman had some agreements are made through ‘Track care. At the forefront of his argument what it’s worth to the other side”, or to turn to their pre-1947 settlements. As interesting thoughts on the conflict. 1’ talks (Track 1 meaning leaders and was what he believed to be the barrier disentangle this diplomatic jargon, each with all the issues there are always oth- He quickly put forward his main two foreign ministers). Mr. Newman drew to progress in this conflict: previous side must feel the solution is fair. The er options on offer. The metaphor he ideas, that today in 2008 “there are no on a personal real-world example to attempts to bring the sides together only way to achieve this win-win situ- used was to imagine you have bought problems with the details” of the con- failed because they were not compre- ation is by allowing each side to have a plane ticket. It gives you the right to flict and also that a two-state solution travel on a particular flight; however, is viable. He went on to explain what “you cannot if the flight is overbooked, you might was the slightly confusing comment find it more beneficial to find another “there are no problems with the de- divide this method of transport. The message tails”. People, on both sides, have been that, I feel, Robin Kealy put forward discussing solutions for years now, territory” was twofold: firstly, as a former diplo- he told us. There are numerous solu- mat, that the Israelis and Palestinians tions to each of the barriers to peace help emphasize his point. The ‘green might not get exactly what they want, and they have been discussed, ana- line’ that demarks the Israeli state from but if we accept this then peace is not lysed and discussed again ad infinitum. Palestinian territories he asserted to be far off; and secondly, that we shouldn’t Certainly one might agree; however, I ‘problematic’. It weaves in and out, with rush into negotiations. As he put it, felt that stating that the details were enclaves and administrative zones. He “a little pre-cooking helps when you not a problem was too absolutist. The believes it to be a ‘recipe for political come to the dining room”. real point of Mr. Newman’s statement, instability’. A stable border must have The lecture theatre quickly discov- however, was what he identified as the contiguous and compact areas of prop- ered that second speaker David New- true problem facing the peace process: erty on either side, he claimed that in man was not a fan of George Bush. not the details, but rather a lack of po- many ‘Track 2’ discussions between

The panel spoke to a packed audience in the Read lecture theatre Friday 8 February 2008 felix 13 [email protected] Politics

Israeli and Palestinian cartographers the issue of the West Bank border had been hammered out. If there were real, bilateral ‘Track 1’ discussions, this problem could be solved; in essence, the details were not the problem. On the issue of the two-state solu- tion, David Newman believed this to be viable in part due to its acceptability to the Israeli public. He rejected the one- state solution, a standpoint that was completely at odds with Ghada Karmi’s views as you will see later. There is a consensus amongst the Israeli public that the two-state solution is what a re- alistic peace will look like. As evidence, Newman pointed to the fact that two “There are no problems with the details” right-wing Israeli politicians – Ehud Olmert and Ariel Sharon – ran an elec- tion campaign and won with a policy that was, in Israeli politics, a radical left position. The reason for this was not because the right wing suddenly changed its ideology but rather it rec- ognised the consensus amongst Israe- lis that a two-state solution is the only viable solution. Throughout his talk, there was an undercurrent of reality that reassured me. Mr. Newman was well aware of the large role played by domestic opinion and admitted that this posed significant barriers. He re- minded us “the level of mutual mis- trust and suspicion [between Israelis and Palestinians] is greater than it was 10 years ago”. Finally speaking was Ghada Karmi. Her style was much different to the other speakers. To some it must have Palestinians pray in front of the Israeli separation barrier at Kalandia checkpoint near the entrance of the West Bank city of Ramallah came across as confrontational while others will have viewed it as passion- ate; regardless. her message and logic point, as “easy to understand and inevi- flict, we can logically understand the David Newman asked how one would abandons political Zionism. She ended came out clearly. She first took time to table”. Political Zionism requires a Jew- actions of Israel today and why certain divide a piece of real estate between her talk with an emotive appeal to the explain that she disagreed completely ish state which is either entirely Jewish issues are extremely intractable. Ghada two contesting peoples. Ghada Karim audience. She urged us to forget high with David Newman. She explained or has a large Jewish majority so that it Karmi categorically stated that there seized upon this to state that categori- and mighty talk about high level nego- that the flaw in his viewpoint was that is for all intents and purposes entirely could not be a fair, just solution to this cally “you can’t divide this territory”. tiations and remember the reality on he assumed equivalence between the Jewish. When the Zionist movment conflict as long as Israel continued to She spoke about ‘fairness’: a two-state the ground. Remember that the West Palestinians and Israelis. She described chose Palestine as their homeland, they solution can exist but it will not be fair Bank is “divided into ghettos, barriers, the conflict as colonial and stated that encountered a problem in that there to the Palestinians. Even at its best, and checkpoints”, that “Gaza is a giant ‘conflict resolution’, as Mr. Newman were already Palestinians in residence “If you want where Israel would return to pre-1967 prison, sealed off, surrounded”. And put it, was impossible between an oc- there. In order to maintain a Jewish borders, the Palestinian territory would “Israel’s creeping colonization has ren- cupier and the occupied. Because the majority, these Palestinians had to be security, you constitute around 20% of Palestine and dered the two-state solution impossi- stronger power will always have the expelled, removed from Jewish territo- this is unfair. She then addressed the ble”. In a direct message to Israel she upper hand, any negotiations will in- ries – otherwise there would not be a won’t get it by question of why the Palestinians put stated that “if you want security, you evitably favour him and therefore any Jewish majority. In addition the Israeli forward the two-state solution if it is won’t get it by killing people”. agreement will not be satisfactory to state must ensure that these Palestin- killing people” so unfair. The Palestinian leadership If you feel that I have misrepresented the weaker power; a conflict resolution ians do not return as again this would in the past and in the present realized any of the views put forward at the as a result cannot be stable or ‘fair’. The damage the Jewish majority. Therefore be a politically Zionist state because it that its position was so weak that to event, I sincerely apologise. After the main focus of her argument was that to the ‘right of return’ is a non-question, would continue to act according to this avoid total destruction, it would have event I, and I hope others too, feel achieve a peaceful future, we must fully and Israel, under a Zionist ideology ideology which is discriminatory and to accept whatever it could get in or- more informed and more confidant understand the origins of the conflict. cannot accept the return of Palestin- unstable. der to survive. However, even the one- about tackling this issue in future. I’m The origin of the conflict was, as she ians either in principle or reality as it She then moved on to address the state solution, she admitted, will not looking forward to the next event on identified, Zionism. She described the would contradict this Zionist ideology. issue of a two-state solution versus a work. There cannot be any peace in Thursday which focuses on the con- conflict, once you begin at this starting By understanding this cause of the con- one-state solution. During his talk, any form, she re-iterated, until Israel flict in Kashmir.

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dc%Zfd&ZXi\\ij&\lifg\ Friday 8 February 2008 felix 15 Settling the battle of the sexes He burps, she bitches. He swears, she shops. How do men and women really get along? The Every Nation Christian Society will be asking just that at Tuesday’s Understanding The Opposite Sex forum

icture the scene: a woman forever shall be, and these differences and women. The range of answers can yells across a clearing at shall constantly fuel the battle of the be seen in video form on Facebook ranks of men roaring on sexes. (search for: “understanding the oppo- the other side in a scene This ‘all out war’ in and of itself might site sex” on the events page). Judging P strangely reminiscent of not be a bad thing, but when it comes by the interviewees’ answers, men find Braveheart. The camera pans to show to the relationships between men and women complicated, whiny and pos- ranks of women standing behind women, which for some reason seems sessing an irrational need for shopping, her. They proceed to launch gender- necessary, the perceived acts of insan- whereas women find men insensitive, specific munitions at each other. The ity by both sides tends to complicate dishonest and unsupportive. When men kick footballs, the women throw things, and few relationships survive. asked the following question: weighted handbags. The whole image Over the last few weeks, a team of “Do you think there is any hope of What is it that keeps men and women together? tells you: THIS IS WAR! students from the Every Nation Chris- ever understanding the opposite sex?,” So a recent ‘Mail on Sunday’ TV tian Society have been accosting ran- most people gave an emphatic “no”. advert starts (check it on YouTube, dom people asking the question: The two sexes are different, and solution lies in emotional detachment Valentine’s Day to be a hit and hope? it’s hilarious), playing on “What’s your biggest gripe about the there is no escape from that fact. From until the problem goes away. And if February 14th turns out to be a seemingly age-old opposite sex?” what we are told, for instance, the little These two completely different (and the start of a beautiful friendship, is it truth, men and wom- Seeking to be fair, we things mean the world to women. They highly stereotypical) types must now going to last? en are different and asked both men want to know that others are listening, try and live in proximity to each other To that end, this Tuesday 12th Feb- and they are important. A friend of without causing random violent erup- ruary at 6pm in SAF 120-121, a guy mine (female) recently said that if a guy tions if the human race is to continue who, having been married for about 20 were to earn brownie points, he’d have in any meaningful sense. So we ask the years thinks it’s possible to understand to do it through the little things over question: how is this possible? How and successfully co-exist with the op- a period of time. Also, if ever a prob- do these two unlikely groups people posite sex, will be presenting his case. lem arises, the solution lies through manage to deal with their differences It should make good listening. Who discussion. and still be alive at the end of the day? knows, he may even reveal the secrets Men enjoy the hunt, the fight and I mean: he burps, farts and kicks a to make the next one less painful than the win. They crave to be the best, the football at all who oppose him and she the last one. In the meantime, there’s strongest, the fastest. The most obvi- obsesses over shoes and shopping and always Facebook. ous example of this is competitive stops talking about either of these only sport. Imperial is not the most obvi- to briefly berate him for kicking said Understanding The Opposite Sex ous place, so our men seek intellectual football. is being held by the Every Nation brilliance. If a problem ever arises that So is that it? Are we doomed to for- Christian Society on Tuesday 12th cannot be tackled by brute force, the ever misunderstand each other? Is February in SAF 120-121 at 6pm Coming together at the seams: Knit Sock forms Imperial’s newest society, cleverly dubbed Knit Sock, introduces itself and exposes the closet knitters

But why now? The last time it was at its height was during WWII when it was your duty to make all of your family’s clothes (oh yes, there is such a thing as knitted underwear). These days, though, it’s partly due to the huge selection of yarns - including ones that change colour so you don’t have to, and, to take it further, self-patterning yarn, as well as renowned magazines like Vogue revitalizing their patterns. Furthermore, knitting can be per- formed almost anywhere at any time: so you should always carry a pair of knitting needles, a ball of yarn and a basic grasp of the craft around with you. Ever felt like your life was being wasted on those commutes in, gazing at someone else’s shoes? Think about how your productivity would sky- rocket if you were whipping up some Who said knitting needles were pointless? mittens or a jumper instead. The very thought of knitting has brought smiles and laughter to many veryone’s doing it. No, it’s vides encouragement and training to Imperial students and academics, definitely not illicit sex, eager beginners as well as an arena for many of whom thought it was an drugs and rock n’ roll, or the knitting afficionados to share and im- amusing suggestion but one that had latest political uprising (we prove their talents. There is a common no place in this prestigious university. E are at Imperial, after all), it misconception amongst young people After some asking around in the JCR A right bunch of knitters furiously churning out garments is, however, knitting. Regulars of the that knitting is the hobby of elderly and within different departments, Union bar had to double-take before women who have nothing better to do however, we were able to unearth some ordering their next drink on Mon- than sit at home, stockpiling scarves, of those closet knitters, and even more The huge interest in this society prior creative as you like because, at the end day at 5, when the bar was invaded by hats and gloves for an unknown im- who were eager to learn, who were to its official opening was surpassed of the day, you just have to follow the Imperial’s newest society, Knit Sock pending ice age. very interested in joining a club where by even more students joining and be- ‘practical schedule’, and the technique (clever pun intended.) They couldn’t Although knitting is a solo endeav- they could enjoy this pastime. Exas- coming members on Monday evening. can’t be that hard if your gran can do believe their eyes when the society’s our, it is an extremely social activity perated with none of the pre-existing And why shouldn’t it be popular? it and you’re here doing a science de- opening event saw the union swamped that can be done by anyone. Celebri- 250+ clubs and societies at Imperial To tell you the truth, knitting is a lot gree. And for those of you who still by beginners, enthusiasts, and those ties including Cameron Diaz, Kate meeting these needs, a few knitting like the practicals that we all churn aren’t convinced because you are too who were just plain curious about the Moss, Madonna, Daryl Hannah and devotees decided it was about time a out, but a lot more fun, not least be- hard for knitting, there is such a thing whole thing: not to mention the most Russell Crowe have been seen enjoy- society dedicated to craftwork (includ- cause there is a pint involved. You have as Extreme Knitting, which is knitting shocking of all - an even gender ratio. ing the hobby and even our very own ing crochet, embroidery and cross your materials, your needles and wool in inconceivable places - ideas are be- Indeed, after refuelling at the bar, many celebrity Stephen Brown stopped in to stitch) was started. Hence Knit Sock equivalent to any apparatus, and then ing thrown around with the Parkour came over to see what all the fuss was give it a go. They have helped bring the was conceived and is being nurtured there’s your practical schedule guiding society and the Underwater Club. And about and some even put down their revival of knitting back into the public into Imperial life, armed with a box you through, in the form of your pat- at the end of it all there you are, with beers, picked up a pair of needles and eye, giving closet knitters the encour- full of knitting needles and a bag full tern. Many a time have we at Knit Sock your very own garment; which is much had a go themselves. agement to shout it aloud and be proud of yarn, and last week the mother lode HQ heard ‘oh, I’m not creative’. But better received as a gift than your well- As the name suggests, Knit Sock pro- of this truly awesome skill. of home-made chocolate chip cookies. that’s the beauty of it - you can be as cultured E.coli on an agar plate. 16 felix Friday 8 February 2008 Picture of the Week Dingwall Rose, by Paul Valentine’s Chemical Engineering Third Year want to exhibit your art. Send in photographs. We [email protected] Friday 8 February 2008 felix 17

Culture & Arts Editors – Rosie Grayburn, Caz Knight, David Paw and Emily Wilson Budding culture vulture? Write for us. The Arts [email protected] The Arab and the Jew – a topical masterpiece it seems Caz Knight Caz Knight goes in search of artistic inspiration and comes out questioning modern Arts Editor day politics. The Arab and the Jew is a must-see at the Lyric Theatre, Hammersmith elcome to Lent! I do hope more of you got to gorge your- he Arab and the Jew: I was selves on delicious steeling myself for a very W pancakes on Tues- meaningful, political play, day, unlike me who has not had that heaving with messages pleasure since before I was sent away T and historical references. to boarding school. I do not count the On closer inspection, the promise of cold, rubbery offerings doused in arti- “a riot of sound, image and movement” ficial lemon juice from the St Mary’s promised an evening of more experi- kitchen as my Shrove Tuesday treat. mental theatre, but leaden with a po- Not that I deserved a final indulgence litical agenda nonetheless. before the forty days that lay ahead of And so I went along to the Lyric The- supposed fasting. I was never too good atre, Hammersmith, with the Arab Soc at fulfilling my Lenten promise to ab- to see this riot. For those of you unfa- stain from my vices. It all seems rather miliar with the Arab Soc, it seeks to futile to have one “last” mad day of amalgamate the myriad of cultures and frenzied hedonism when we know that traditions present and thriving within Lent will be anything for us but chaste. the vast Arab-speaking world, and to However, I am never one to turn down share and experience these among an excuse to party so bring it on I say! If Imperial students. Spanning over 23 I were writing this in Rio I would most countries, one can imagine the diversi- definitely be nursing a severe hangover ty of what the community has to offer. on account of the magnificent Carna- From the moment that an Arab and a val that had just taken place over four Jew come falling from the sky, landing days, from last Saturday and ending on in what seems to be the desert (actually Mardi Gras (“Fat Tuesday”). As one a very convincing and inviting looking can imagine, given the vast cultural sandbox), the play is a trip down the diversity of Brazil, the Brazilians’ lust rabbit hole in terms of logic and imagi- for all things fun mixed with tropical nation. The logician within me tried to weather and a stunning landscape set- assign some storyline to the play as it ting, that would make for one exotic progressed, and failed. Just when you fiesta. Simply by typing “Rio carnival” think you may have deciphered one of into Google images (or perhaps Yahoo) the many mad scenes in the perform- one can begin to appreciate the techni- ance, off it hurtles once more on a clour madness that has just ensued on tangent you would never have thought the streets of Rio. possible. A European equivalent is the Ger- The title Arab and Jew are Allel man Carneval where the hard work- Nedjari and Amit Lahav, which make ing nation is granted a period off from up Gecko. The Arab and the Jew their Fleiβ (hard work) and woman sets about to celebrate their brother- have to right to cut in half the tie of hood and laugh and cry at their own any man who crosses their path. Count reflections. ourselves lucky us Brits do not have an But on what? Those who care not equivalent tradition: it would only have for current affairs, history or com- been abolished by now on account of mon sense might not be aware that in “Health and Safety” laws. (Bastards). 1948 an arbitrary border was created, Lent seems to come just a tad on the dividing Palestine in half thus creating late side to be an antidote to our Yule- the state of Israel. This was following Now that is what you call waiter service. Impressive moves at the Lyric Theatre, Hammersmith tide pleasures. Had Jesus gone into the a huge surge in Jewish Immigration to desert and died a few months earlier, Palestine on account of the National then we might have found ourselves Socialism threatening Germany. Need- tackiness or detracting in the slightest more motivated to start that diet or less to say, the people of Palestine – the from either the talent of the two actors stick to those resolutions due to the Arabs – did not take too kindly to this, or the theme of the play. Which is still coming of Lent. January might not and it remains a source of conflict. an ambiguous matter! seems so dismal if we had a scapegoat This really is experimental theatre at My total confusion throughout must for our forced miserly penny pinching its best. However, I am reluctant to call be down to my miniscule knowledge that follows the Christmas excesses. it that, as “experimental” may suggest and understanding of this political sit- January may even be an unofficial Lent: insubstantial and slightly pointless: uation, or so I thought. However, upon we are coerced into sobriety by situ- being different for difference’s sake, leaving the play slightly dumbfounded, ation rather than by religion. Enough though thoroughly enjoyable and ef- I came to realise this was the general talk of that ghastly month. Here at Arts fective it may be. The Arab and the Jew feeling of the audience as a whole. I had Felix we are paying no heed to Lent as has substance and it is in no way point- at least grasped, and was proud of the we seek to delight and indulge you in less. It offers so much originality, not fact, that the men’s quarrel over an or- lots of arty goodness. only in subject matter but in presenta- ange was symbolic of the quarrel over And so, we give you The Arab and tion as well. the land! Another possible explanation the Jew review! Our poem comes Nedjari and Lahav compliment each for the dusty and disheveled doll is the from a woman who certainly does not other perfectly and the whole play runs fact that children are often forgotten agree with fasting and challenges the seamlessly as a result. Their synchro- during such conflicts. roles that society sometimes forces us nicity and co-ordination with props, Regardless of how much you know to play. The surrealist nature of Der sound and each other makes for a stun- about politics or history, this play is a Nachst Zug definitely echoes some ning performance. joy to watch and provides both hilarity of the themes in my article on the in- The use of such a small stage was and thought provoking entertainment. fluence drugs can have on art. And impressive and the atmosphere cre- lastly, our Student Art in Focus ties in ated beautifully with the help of light- The Arab and the Jew is on until nicely with the theme of chemicals and ing and music, both Arabic and Jewish. 9th February at the Studio, Lyric psychedelia. Rather an adulterated is- One highlight was the slapstick-in- Theatre, Hammersmith. Tickets sue of Felix Arts to start our period of spired “comedy show” which adds a can be booked from www.lyric. “fasting” wouldn’t you say? whole lot of humour without adding co.uk. Allel Nedjari and Amit Lahav partake in some light gymnastics 18 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Arts [email protected] Student Art In Focus – Aspirin Art SAIF makes a triumphant return with a piece of original art from an Anonymous Narcotic User

his work of art, if it can be called that, seems to me a direct copy of the work of Fred Tomaselli’s work Pill T Wheels, albeit with more colour and on a smaller scale. The art- ist uses a selection of medication (natu- ral remedies, ibuprofen, Codis, Kalms, Tyrozettes etc) to create a pattern on a brightly coloured background. The artist, materials and title encom- pass the three main types of chemical available: illegal, prescription and over the counter. However, what immedi- ately springs to mind upon behold- ing the piece are the vivd colours and swirls, reminiscent of psychedelics and an age already passed. The work also addresses the issue of societies addiction to chemicals in all its guises: caffeine, nicotine, painkill- ers, anti depressants. The song also being to mind the lyrics of my band’s song “Quixotelixir”: “A dedicated mind in a medicated state is a highly over- rated fate.”

SAIF is analysed this week by lead singer of Red Hot Chili Pep- pers, Anthony Kiedis. A recovered heroin addict, Kiedis now spends his time sipping herbal tea and reading the Telegraph. He is also working on his Doctorate in parti- cle Physics.

“Prescriptionally Medicated” by Anonymous Narcotic User. Don’t try this at home unless you’re using Smarties. Left, Pill Wheels by Fred Tomaselli, the inspiraion behind this week’s piece Musical Theatre Weekly – Jesus Christ Superstar

History original version: went to Broadway, Simon Zealotes: A guy whose meant won some Tony Awards and was put to be a fisherman but instead loves CS was Andrew Lloyd Web- on film. guns. And Jesus. ber’s second big hit after You probably saw the newer film Joseph, it premiered in 1970. in RE when you were 13. It’s the one J The show went to Broadway where everyone overacts like hell and Plot for a couple of years, but it Rik Mayall does a little tap dance. I seemed that Americans had a slight prefer this version as it’s a bit less “An- Erm, the Bible…For all you Athe- aversion to musicals about religion. drew Lloyd Webber eighties synthe- ists out there, Jesus Christ Superstar The original film was made in siser” and a bit more “real instruments follows the last six days of the Lord’s 1973 starring Ted Neeley as Jesus like guitars”. life from the point of view of Judas Is- … No, you won’t have heard of him. cariot. Judas is Jesus’ oldest friend but The film was very 70’esque; every- Main Characters: it is revealed at the beginning of the one wore flares and did the Funky second act at The Last Supper that he Chicken. Jesus: People-loving hippy whose go- will betray him. The story then trails The film could have made a big ing to be dead before the end of the the arrest of Jesus in the Garden of statement about the role of the me- show Gethsemane and his persecution by dia in religion and persecution with the Romans eventually leading to his the final song “Superstar”. Instead it Judas Iscariot: Cynical ex-best friend crucifixion via Judas’ suicide and a few finished with a load of tourists get- of Jesus. Similar to House only more funky dance routines. ting off a bus and partying in the “giving your friend to the authorities to Now, you can’t tell me I’ve ruined the Jesus got papped. JCS’s main theme is the influence of the media desert. die”-like. story for you - it’s practically the oldest on religion and persectution. Not bad for Andrew Lloyd Webber Come 2001, Lord Lloyd Webber story known. suddenly realises he’s not making Mary Magdalene: Jesus’ prostitute enough money anymore and that girlfriend Songs to look out for: Gethsemane: Fucking amazing, in- JCS and it rocks! children in RE classes have discov- credibly long and very difficult to sing. ered that not everyone in the bible Pontius Pilate: Guy who doesn’t like Je- Heaven on Their Minds: Has a great Godspell: This came out around the has an Afro. sus much but doesn’t want to kill him. recurring bass guitar riff and some real same time as JCS. It is again about So he commissions a new version. anger. Grr! If you liked this, try: Jesus and Judas and is by the guy This version was supposedly edgier Herod: He hates Jesus even more than who wrote Wicked. Plus any man than the original i.e. combat trou- Pontius but does love cheesy dance I Don’t Know How To Love Him: One The Rocky Horror Show: Ok, so it who can make a song using just 7 sers were put in strategic places. It routines. to belt out when the flatmates aren’t has nothing to do with Jesus, but was words is on to something! basically followed the pattern of the around. commissioned following the success of by Lucy Harrold Friday 8 February 2008 felix 19 [email protected] Arts How to... take drugs, become an artistic genius and not die trying Caz Knight gives us a lesson on narcotics and how they infuence artistic masterpieces. Don’t do drugs, kids

rugs and Art. It is very in songs; so much so that it no longer easy to start thinking seems a very original subject mat- about the hordes of art- ter for… any type of art. The Rolling ists, musicians and actors Stones’ Brown Sugar; Guns ‘N Roses’ D who have been dedicated Mr. Brownstone and Strangler’s Gold- followers of the narcotic tradition that en Brown. When I was ten, my more seems to often follow a rise to fame: innocent mind thought Brown Sugar every rock star in the sixties, seventies was an ode to a particularly lovely and eighties; Jim Morrison, the Stones, Black girl. In some ways, infatuation Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, the whole of with a person may be akin to a drug Guns ‘N Roses and so on ad infinitum. addiction. Both are damaging in dif- Nowadays things seem to have cleaned ferent ways. Jimi Hendrix, guitar God up, so much so that there are only a few and genius, sang of Purple Haze (LSD true party animals that spring to mind infused marijuana). (Winehouse and Doherty). What we Authors and poets have also used are dealing with here is not artists who their trips to gain inspiration for liter- take drugs, but instances where drugs ary pieces. Samuel Taylor Coleridge, have affected art in various forms. And the founder of the Romantic move- given that the ingestion of chemicals, ment, was an avid nitrous oxide user prescribed or not, is deeply seated in and also harboured an opium addic- human nature, society and culture, this tion. His poem Kubla Khan is an ex- article seems a little futile; especially tract from a particularly vivid opium- considering how many examples of induced dream he once had. It is also this there are. rumoured Lewis Carroll ingested the From the dawn of time, civilisations ergot fungus (whence comes LSD) have taken drugs to enhance mood, from which sprung ideas for his clas- bring people together, awaken inner sics Alice in Wonderland and Alice thoughts and emotions and as part of Through the Looking Glass. religious ceremonies. It is, therefore, It begs the question: do people take obvious how such things can aid one in drugs because they are creative, or are the plight of artistic creation. they creative because of the experi- The Wooster group is a performing ences they have had on drugs? Defi- arts troupe from New York who took nitely not the latter – creativity is not LSD (Lysergic acid diethylamide, dis- conjured simply from drug taking, as covered in 1938 by Albert Hofmann) attractive as that idea is. Instead, per- in 1984 in rehearsal and filmed them- haps creative people are sometimes selves performing a play. Afterwards, more open to ideas and experience they emulated their actions whilst on and so are more likely to try drugs and the drug and it became “L.S.D. (…Just use them as a catalyst to art. That is the High Points…)”. Among the actors not to say one needs drugs to enhance were Willem Dafoe (Spiderman) and our artistic capabilities. Salvador Dali Steve Buscemi (Conair). This is an ex- didn’t believe that. “I don’t do drugs. I ample of drugs being used as an artistic am drugs. Take me, I am the drug; take aid to bring something new to a per- me, I am hallucinogenic.” Indeed, his formance and to shed a new light on paintings are very surreal and anyone ideas the creators had for the play. wishing to trip out without polluting Another instance whereby “art” has their blood and brains should take a been carried out under the influence of look at his art. The notion of “taking” a the same drug is in a US Government human being was taken to the extreme experiment during the 1950s. A pa- by Keith Richards when he snorted tient was given 50 micrograms of LSD his father’s ashes. No small feat by any and instructed to draw his doctor at means: an urn full of ashes would have hourly intervals. As time progressesd, taken tens, or hundreds, of sessions to the drawings become more and more finish, I am sure and would not have Art on Acid by Anon minimalist and less representative of gone down as well as other snortable the subject matter. Obviously, the in- illegals. However, that has nothing to fluence of drugs on an artist and their do with art, only the eccentricities of time will have a detrimental effect. work comes from memory of a drug an artist. One person who did encourage the experience. As can be seen from the Science fuelled inspiration for art use of mind-altering psychedelics was drawings done under the influence of when, in 1954, maverick scientist John Timothy Leary, psychologist and au- LSD, if artists were to create art whilst Lilly conducted a set of experiments thor of Turn on, Tune in, Drop out. on a drug, their works would be sham- based on sensory deprivation research The phrase was thought up by Leary bolic and potentially senseless! in isolation tanks. He was adminis- as a catchy means to promote the ben- A literal example of drug and art is tered a variety of drugs including LSD efits of LSD; the book was a compila- Pill Wheels by Fred Tomaselli. In 1996 and ketamine. He was injected with tion of essays on religion, neurology, he created patterns using assorted pills 2-hourly doses of the “horse tranquilis- educational psychology, politics and, and capsules, acrylic and resin on a er” for 3 weeks during which he claims of course, drugs. wood panel. It had to be removed from to have communicated with alien and During the sixties, when LSD was a museum in New York due to the po- god-like entities. Ketamine is actually still legal, the youth often misinter- tential risk of drug addicts trying to used in combination with other seda- preted the phrase to mean: turn onto sequester the pills from the surface of tives on the elderly, children and small drugs, tune into the counterculture the wood panel. It also posed a prob- animals, although the notion of a horse and drop out of school. Instead, Leary lem at airports when immigration of- tranquiliser is all the more amusing. meant turn on/activate your neuro- ficials saw it as a possible method of The research was the basis for the plot nal and genetic equipment; tune into drug smuggling. Some of the more of the 1980 Ken Russell film Altered and act harmoniously with the world ridiculous critics also saw it as a way States. “In the province of the mind around you; drop out and detach from of condoning drug use! Another of To- there are no limits”, said Lilly. And he is convention. maselli’s works is a collage made up of completely right. Our brain is so com- Given the myriad chemicals out plasters and nicotine patch; perhaps plex that we have not even scratched there yet to be discovered, coupled to this work was seen as a waste of patch- the surface of possibilities. By using the infinite possibilities from a multi- es which could have otherwise been drugs which alter perception and shed tude of human brains, it is a comforting used to cure smokers of their cigarette a new light on things, we can only in- thought to know that we will never run addiction. crease the possibilities. However, this out of inspiration for something which Reams of singers have immortal- is not an advocation for abuse; any- makes life, and our world, infinitely ised and praised their beloved heroin thing used to excess for long periods of more pleasing and beautiful – art. Left: 20 minutes after LSD taken; Right: 2 hours after LSD taken 20 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Arts [email protected] ArtsFest 2008: It’s going to be huge We celebrate our Arts and Ents Societies this year from the 11th February with a week of music, dance, theatre, musical theatre, busking... An excellent recess from science so: Have a break, Have an ArtsFest!

Thomas Kealy sounds of Imperial College Symphony Orchestra and the voices of IC Choir. oes the monotony of On Wednesday we don’t finish there your degree sometimes and we have an afternoon of interactive get you down? Do you arts for you to sample and enjoy. From no longer appreciate the belly dancing to theatre, there’ll be a D subtleties of your lecture workshop waiting for you Wednes- notes? Did you ever? Do you find your- day afternoon. You can put off that self sitting in lectures, thinking there problem sheet for a few hours, and do must be more to life than this? Even at something that’s actually fun instead. Imperial, we’re not machines. We need Thursday sees a light lunchtime con- to feel alive. cert from one of Imperial’s premiere If this is how you feel, then I have ensembles – ICSE (String Ensemble). the perfect solution for you. It doesn’t The concert is again in the Tanaka, involve any jet-setting, health spas or which will be filled with Avro Part and religious conversions. In fact, all you Janacek. There is also the possibility have to do is come to college one day of some Mendelssohn. The evening during the week from the 11th to the features IC Big Band crooning for Val- 15th of February. That week is Arts- entine’s day in the Union as well. Re- Fest on campus, there will be some quests are already being taken, and artistic pursuit every lunchtime and what better way is there of com- every evening – goings-on that memorating your love. Of course has absolutely nothing to do with your beau wishes to be sung science, technology or medicine. about. ArtsFest will feature the Impe- Finally, the Finale Con- rial students showcasing their artistic cert on Friday is the cul- talents around college, either busking mination of the week. ArtsFest Guide every lunchtime or performing Here we showcase the during the evening at one of very best of the acts that the nightly events. Appar- busked during the week ently, it is possible to be (and many that didn’t). – What’s On and artistic and have an apti- This is of course un- tude for science. missable, not The events aren’t only as it is Where the hell is it? strictly for those the per- with a classical fect end to Here is a condensed version of next Workshops around college for trying frame of mind. a week – week’s events to guide you through out various activities such as belly In fact only one even if you the week: dancing and others! of the events did nothing will be entirely else, this classical mu- would wipe Monday 11th February Thursday 14th February sic. The rest away any is a delight- Friday blues 7 p.m. SCR Smooth Jazz Lounge Lunchtime, Tanaka Building: ful melange you have. Also, with Wine, Cheese and soothing Concert performed by IC String of jazz, dance, this is one of music. Followed by a barn dance. Ensemble alternative mu- the highlights sic, visual arts, of the calendar Evening, Union: Valentines Day theatre, musicals, at Imperial, Tuesday 12th February concert given by IC Big Band. Re- close harmony sing- being more quests are being taken! ing, gospel singing, exciting than Read Lecture Theatre, Sherfield literature in Felix, barn a guest lecture Building: Chamber Music concert dancing and everything else you by the head of Friday 15th February could possibly think of. You did read CERN. In Blythe Centre: Leosoc Exhibtion that correctly – a large cohort of fact, Buddha opening after concert Evening, Great Hall: FINALE Imperial’s students enjoy barn said in the CONCERT! Many acts throughout dancing as much as sex. Abhutadhar- Wednesday 13th February the night. Guest lecturer - the head We kick off on Monday ma that you cannot of CERN the 11th of February at achieve karmic enlighten- 12.30 pm, Tanaka Building: Char- 7:00 pm when the SCR ment unless you attended ity concert given by ICSO and IC Late evening, Union: Massive Arts- will be transformed into the Artsfest Finale Concert. Choir in aid of Theatre Crossroads Fest party/piss-up to end the week. a Smooth Jazz Lounge Naturally, after this mas- charity Free entry to the Union if you at- for the evening. There will sive concert we have an even Afternoon, various locations: tended the Finale Concert be wine and cheese, as more massive (MASSIVE) par- well as close harmony ty in the Union to commemorate the singing. Once you are event of finishing Artsfest for another suitably chilled out, after much year. During this party we drink in sad- uber-cool dancing, there will be a barn ness that we may participate in Arts- dance for you to attend. fest but once a year. The tickets from On Tuesday we have a change of pace, the Finale Concert will let you into the with an intimate chamber concert in Union for free, which should be incen- the Read theatre (Sherfield building tive enough to come along to the gig level 5 – on the right) followed by the earlier. opening of an exhibition by Leosoc in Of course, Artsfest would be noth- the Blythe gallery. These both promise ing without a captive audience for the to be laid-back, chilled-out events. A week – which is where you come in. perfect way to recover from Monday. Artsfest will be a success this year but Wednesday sees the return of the we need the support of the Imperial charity concert from previous years. public. Cast off your shy personality, This year we’re supporting Theatre give up problem sheets for a week and Crossroads: an educational charity let all the other things that make you developing inspirational programmes human take over. If only for a week. identifying the basic concepts in Sci- ence and Maths and teaching them Floaty skirts, big horns and through music, games, movement and art from ArtsFest 2007. Please drama. The concert will be in the Tan- try and join in, even if you just aka building from 12:30 until approxi- happen to pass the busking in mately 1:30. There will seats so you the Sherfield Building during your can appreciate both the lilting string lunch! Friday 8 February 2008 felix 21 [email protected] Arts Stanzas for Students: When I Am Old Caz Knight celebrates wearing horrible shirts and growing older with a poem from Jenny Joseph

veryone should remember “sober” as hers was and to pay no heed Go on, try wearing horrible shirts this gem from their school- to the ways in which society expects us and hoarding things in boxes: you’ll days! A simple poem to un- to operate. feel much better for it, I’m sure! derstand, yet it raises a lot E of issues about conforming and convention. Pensions and care for the elderly is When I Am Old always a hot political topic, with a re- cent news item claiming old people When I am an old woman I shall wear purple nowdays often live in such poverty that With a red hat that doesn’t go, and doesn’t suit me, they are forced to chose between heat- And I shall spend my pension ing or food. On brandy and summer gloves The population is ever growing old- And satin sandals, er, with a higher percentage of people And say we’ve no money for butter. over 70 now than there ever has been. I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired, Old age seems such a bleak notion if And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells, one lives under the present govern- And run my stick along the public railings, ment with their constant talk of dwin- And make up for the sobriety of my youth. dling pensions and pensioners existing I shall go out in my slippers in the rain in a life of solitude. And pick the flowers in other people’s gardens, Jenny Joseph turns this idea on its And learn to spit. head and celebrates the prospect of You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat, grey hair, reduced skin elasticity and And eat three pounds of sausages at a go, the potential of neuro-degenerative Or only bread and pickle for a week, disorders. And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats Growing old presents us with the op- and things in boxes. portunity to defy the rules society has But now we must have clothes that keep us dry, laid down for us and enjoy life, as that And pay our rent and not swear in the street, is what life is about. There must be a And set a good example for the children. balance between the things we have to We will have friends to dinner and read the papers. do and our own happiness, as one can- But maybe I ought to practise a little now? not be fulfilled adequately without the So people who know me other. are not too shocked and surprised, Old age, for the undergraduates at When suddenly I am old least, is many decades away, but we and start to wear purple! can apply Joseph’s logic to our younger by Jenny Joseph years and make sure our youth is not The Girl in the Red Hat by Vermeer Dygood, dybbad and dyugly: Dy Dybbuk review Film Editor Alex Casey swaps actors for players and heads to the King’s Head theatre to catch a production

nspired by his own experience which is destined to be married once and Hanne Steen as Leah excel, the travelling between Russian and her wealthy father has chosen a viable former conjuring a tortured soul with Ukranian Jewish shtetls, S. An- suitor. As Chonen’s all-consuming love an incredible intellect trying to evoke sky wrote The Dybbuk in 1917 causes him to question and explore the the true power of scripture surrounded I and created what is long con- boundaries of his faith, he unravels as by others who simply practise as habit, sidered a seminal work in Jewish thea- a husband is found for Leah, dying of and the latter as the enchanting beauty tre. Centred on the age-old theatrical grief. In death he becomes a Dybbuk, a who beguiles him. themes of love and betrayal, it places spirit capable of possessing the body of The cast equip themselves well with them in a small community inspired any creature and soon seizes control of the exception of Chris Courtenay as by the folk tales that Ansky discovered his beloved to expose what kept them Leah’s father who is miscast in the role, on his travels. Now being staged in the apart in life. appearing too much like a comedic fool King’s Head Theatre, Islington, The A brief synopsis of the story does to be believable as an unscrupulous foil Dybbuk has been brought resurrected not do justice to the script, constitut- to the lovers’ plan. David Meyer’s turn in a production that is as possessing in ing of a delightful blend of philosophy as the Rabbi Azriel called in to exor- experience as it is in theme. and social commentary with some in- cise the Dybbuk manages to remain on The main hilt of the story is the love triguing emotional imagery delivered the right side of hammy for the most between the almost destitute Chonen deftly by a skilled cast. As the lovers part whilst Tam Williams’ Messenger and the beautiful Leah, the latter of of the piece, Edward Hogg as Chonen conveys the correct spooky quality de- manded of the role, if perhaps a little too much by the end. The staging of The Dybbuk however is its greatest achievement alongside the lead performances. From the open- ing scene, the intimacy of the rather small theatre lends itself perfectly to the story and the director has employed it to full effect. More than anything, the ingenuity with which the possession of Leah was choreographed is wonder- fully successful and any scenes without the pair can seem drawn out by their absence. Despite a slow down in the pace of the play towards the end, com- plete with some revelations of dubious credence, there is a good attempt to hold the interest of the audience even if it doesn’t maintain the visceral appeal of Leah and Chonen’s scenes. The Dybbuk is by no means treading old ground despite its central themes. With its top notch cast and a vitality seldom matched in larger productions, Hey! Quickly! Pull her finger! There’s not a moment to lose it is nothing less than enchanting. Edward Hogg as The Dybbuk, Chonen 22 felix Friday 8 February 2008 Friday 8 February 2008 felix 23

Arts [email protected] [email protected] Arts

Written by Sally Longstaff, designed by Rosie Grayburn And now for something completely different Chapter Eight – Quirky things to do in London Wellcome Collection

183 Euston Road Euston Square Station

Anonymous Scientology Protest Henry Wellcome, entrepreneur, philanthropist, patron of science and pioneer of aerial photography, created one of the world’s great museums: a vast stockpile of evidence about our universal interest in health and the body. This Blackfriars Station and Goodge Street Station musuem shows a cross-section of extraordinary objects from his collection, ranging from diagnostic dolls to Japanese sex aids, and from Napoleon’s Ghosts, Gas Lights and Guinness This Sunday is hosting what promices to be one of the weirdest events in London ever! Anonymous is toothbrush to shrunken heads and chastity belts (shown in photo). It also making a stand against the Church Of Scientology. These gatherings are being held all over the world on provides a very different perspective on medicine and health! Sunday. The London plan is to congregate first at the Scientology HQ in Queen Victoria Street and then Holborn Station move to the recruitment centre on Tottenham Court Road. The organisers hope for a peaceful protest with participants wearing masks. More info can be found on the internet. London is the most haunted city on earth: built over a fen of undisclosed horrors, believed to contain occultic lines of geometry, a city where the very mist is like a sigh from a graveyard. If in a dark window you see an even darker silhouette staring back, or if the branches of a tree suddenly shiver like a spider’s web that’s caught something, or if you follow a stranger into a graveyard (or a pub where everything isn’t as it seems)...you could well be wayfaring to the rebecks of eternity. Fancy a pint? The Ghosts, Gaslight & Guinness Walk takes place every Wednesday evening at 7.30 pm with London Walks. The Intrepid Fox

St Giles High Street Tottenham Court Road Station Hunterian Museum A scary looking place from outside and even scarier inside. If you like longhaired men, big cleavages and even bigger riffs, then the Intrepid Fox is the place for you. An haven of hard-rock, it has 35-43 Lincoln’s Inn Fields a crouching, demonic gargoyle above the door. Sitting amongst Temple Station a variety of car-parts and crucified metallic-skeletons is a feature unique to The Intrepid Fox. Its a high-camp, gothic experience! Based on the collection of John Hunter (1728-1793), a surgeon and scientist who collected and preserved thousands of biological specimens. The collection consists for the most part of thousands of glass jars containing preserved biological specimens. There are cases containing dissections of digestive tracts taken from horses, lampreys, and humans; cases containing genitals of all sorts of different mammals, showing both healthy and diseased London Duck Tour specimens; a whole section on nipples; and a wide array of other, no-less-lurid subjects. Also there is the skeleton of a giant and cases containing hideous-looking 18th-century medical Outside Country Hall instruments and a really squirm-inducing video of surgeons Waterloo Station performing brain surgery.

Departing from Country Hall, these amphibious vehicles drive past famour landmarks, such as Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament., Trafalgar Square and Picadilly Circus before driving into the Thames for a cruise. A very different way of seeing the sights! Tours cost £19. Jack the Ripper Tour

Tower Hill Station

Naked Clubbing Jack the Ripper came silently out of the midnight shadows of August 31, 1888, butchering East End prostitutes, leaving a trail of blood and gore that led... nowhere. Inspect the murder sites, sift through the evidence - in all its gory detail - and get to grips with the main suspects. This tour, led by London 65 Goding Street Walks, is one of the best out there. Prepare to be scared... Vauxhall Station

Starkers is a club in central London for anyone who enjoys being nude. It’s a naked disco! Get your clothes off and get to this (fortunately) warm location and get bopping! Old Operating Theatre

9a St Thomas’s Street Torture Garden Valentines Ball London Bridge Station

The Old Operating Theatre Museum is one of London’s most St Matthews Church intriguing historic interiors.It is located in the garret (Herb Garret) Brixton Station of St Thomas’s Church, on the original site of St Thomas’ Hospital. It includes: the oldest surviving operating theatre in the country Torture Garden is the world’s largest fetish/body art club. Their Valentine’s Ball is going to (from 1822), used in the days before anaesthetics and antiseptic be held at Mass in Brixton and promises to be a very interesting night, including fashion surgery; the herb garret used by the hospital’s apothecary to store performances, pole dancing displays, a dungeon playroom and a Couple’s room! Dress and cure herbs used in healing (including opium!); a collection code: Red Boudoir, Bordello, Bleeding Hearts, Sacred Hearts, Broken Hearts, Lustmord, of artefacts revealing the horrors of medicine before the age of Love & Hate, Tragic Love Couples, Suicide Love, Forbidden Love!! No street clothes! science, including instruments for cupping, bleeding, trepanning, Tickets cost £25 for non-members and £20 for members (advanced). and childbirth (they’ll make your eyes water!). unionpage Sund Nominations close end of

Nominations to stand for election are open until 00:00 Monday 11 February. It is easy to stand go to imperialcollegeunion.org/vote and nominate yourself then get your supporters to second you again at imperialcollegeunion.org/vote. For more information go to imperialcollegeunion.org/elections.

Varsity 2008 President’s Update

Wednesday 27 February Hello everyone. As you will probably have noticed election season is now upon us where you get the opportunity to see who gets my job (and with it the privilege of making regular contributions to this esteemed publication) next year. A lot of this column does focus on our democracy which judging by the number of candidates standing for election is pretty vibrant. First of all I will point you in the direction of some Trusts that might be able to help out your Club or Society with some extra money which I am sure everyone agrees is a good thing.

Harlington/IC Trusts

The Harlington Trust was established in 1989 to manage money received from the gravel extraction operation at the Harlington playing fi elds, for the benefi t of Imperial College students . The Harlington Grants Fund Committee (a past Union President, the Pro-Rector (Education) and I) oversee the allocation of grants on behalf of the Trust. The Committee still has quite a lot of money to allocate this year so if you are involved with the running of a Club or Society who are in need of extra funds for something within the aims and objects of the Trust I would encourage you to apply. More information about the Trust, specifi cally what sort of things it supports and how to apply is available on the College website at http:// www3.imperial.ac.uk/secretariat/governance/ committees/harlingtongrantsfundcommittee.

In addition, the next meeting of the IC Trust takes place on 11th March and in a similar manner I encourage you to consider

Tickets available online from imperialcollegeunion.org. day 10 February

Being a Sabb can make a diff erence; stand for election.

submitting a bid if you feel your Society can Nominations for Student Trustees and midnight Sunday. The Elections publicity And fi nally, do something worthwhile with additional delegates to NUS Annual Conference are also is correct in saying that nominations do support. Information on the IC Trust and how still open and will close at the same time as close on Monday but if you are considering please book to apply are online at http://www3.imperial. the sabbatical ones. Student participation in standing you do not have the whole of rooms in ac.uk/secretariat/governance/committees/ and engagement with the Union’s democratic Monday to secure your nominations. ictrust. structures keeps the organisation member College focused. Regardless of how much or how Graduate Students’ before you Last chance to stand little interaction you have with the Union’s use them advice services, catering, bars, democracy Association Election Results or clubs you have a vested interest in the Nominations for the elections for the It has been brought elections process and how the Union is run The results of the GSA election are now in Stephen Brown positions of President, Deputy Presidents to our attention so even if you don’t fancy standing yourself with the position of Treasurer being settled President and Felix Editor will close at the end of that some student look out for the election candidates around by a very narrow margin of only 4 votes! [email protected] this weekend. It is excellent that so many groups are using campus over the coming weeks. of these positions are so hotly contested rooms in College (particularly in SAF) without If you are a postgraduate student your already but I would like to give some fi nal booking the space fi rst. new GSA Chair is Kilian Frensch who words of encouragement to those of you Elections clarifi cation will be supported by Olayinka Bisiriyu. who are considering standing for a sabbatical There have been several instances of rooms Congratulations to both the successful position but haven’t put themselves forward For the avoidance of doubt I would like to that were booked for other uses, including candidates. yet. Nominate yourself online at clarify that nominations for the sabbatical, teaching being used by societies who imperialcollegeunion.org/vote NUS delegate and Student Trustee elections shouldn’t be there. It would be a shame if the will close at 0.00am this Monday, that is, Beit Redevelopment Working actions of a minority see booking privileges Group withdrawn by College for the majority of clubs who do book rooms in the correct  Regular readers of Felix will be aware that manner. College are very happy for Clubs to recently the Union is now in a position to use rooms and lecture theatres and it isn’t proceed with the construction of a new that unreasonable on their part that they ask Student Activities Centre. The renewal of for a bit of notice to check that there are no our facilities is a massive project split in to time tabling clashes. 3 phases which will take years to complete so as part of this process we are forming a If you would like to use space in the Union or working group so that current users of the College please contact the Student Activities space can discuss the practicalities of the Centre who will be able to guide you. It is building work and what it will mean for them. not diffi cult and it will be to the benefi t of the If you would like to offer your input please whole student body if everyone wanting to 101 drop me an email at [email protected] use some space in College follows this very simple procedure. /08
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#"3 stand at imperialcollegeunion.org/vote 26 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Music Music Editors – Peter Sinclair and Susan Yu [email protected] Fall of Lavendar Guincho Last week, Spanish dreamboat El Guincho and Hoxton hero Lightspeed Champion released their debut efforts. Our reviewers donated their ears to save you the trouble Peter Sinclair Music Editor i, nice to meet you. I’m Peter. The fabulous Susan Yu and myself are the new Felix music H editors (look forward El Guincho Lightspeed Champion to Susan’s mugshot next week). We Alegranza Falling off the Lavendar Bridge (Discoteca Océano) (Domino) will be your gateway into the world of ★★★★✩ ★★★★✩ awesome music, taking you by your clammy little hands and leading you through the minefield that is being I’ll say it here and now, up front: El Last week saw the release of Dev super-cool in the London music scene. Guincho makes super catchy tropical Hynes’ latest musical project under the That being said, you had better start pop sounds which capture the sound name Lightspeed Champion. Dev was kissing our asses - we have tremen- of summery Spanish festivals and seals a member of the short-lived band Test dous influence now. I’m joking of it up into four-minute-long musical Icicles who received limited critical ac- course but, you know, better safe than packages of joy. claim, but still had East London club- sorry. Alegranza, released in Spain last bers dancing for a year or two before So now that we know each other a summer, sounds a lot like Animal Col- the group parted. This album marks little better, let me tell you about my lective’s tribal psyche-folk would if a large shift from the loud, aggres- problems. It’s February, it’s mid term, they had grown up in Barcelona and sive, style-over-substance nature of his and my favourite Azalea plant is dying spent their teenage years getting high previous band. Don’t worry, though - in front of my eyes because I live in under the stars at tropical beach par- from the look of the album cover he a fucking basement flat that is lucky ties, instead of the sadly less exciting still manages to have an approach to to see five minutes of sunlight a day. scenery of Baltimore, Maryland. fashion that sets him apart from the Winter really is a depressing time of Much like a hot, sticky, wonder- rest (but with less pink and neon now, year. As the great bluesman Robert ful dream, there are dancing drum thankfully). Johnson once said, “I woke up this rhythms, tribal chants and hand claps The music could be roughly de- morning and all my shrimps was dead in Cuanda Maravilla Fui, steel drums scribed as Indie-folk with a few hints of and gone. I got Dead Shrimp Blues”. and whistles in Kalise and a sprin- country thrown in. Obvious compari- I may not be from Mississippi, and kling of magical sparkly sounds in the sons with bands such as Bright Eyes I may never have been fishing in my single Fata Morgana. Overlaid with and Cursive can’t be helped, especially Lightspeed Champion poses with a plastic deer life, but I understand what he’s talking sickly, sweetly, lovingly sung melodies as it was recorded in Obama with the about. and quirky spoken samples, all of this help of Saddle Creek’s producer Mike Not wanting to wallow in my own melds together and laps over your high Mogis, and features guest members by pop singer-songwriters of the Allen and the lines “Clean your blades and Dead Shrimp Blues, I have turned stung Imperial-student nerves like the from a few of the labels bands. Despite and Nash type. start swinging, don’t stop till the red my thoughts towards summer and warm Catalonian Ocean over your this, Falling off the Lavender Bridge Dev has managed to craft some runs out” long to be sung along with, the annual piss-up hoedown of the sun-baked toes. Some may dislike the still manages to sound unique. After a beautiful pop songs while also main- despite their brutal message. summer festival season. The publicity repetitive nature of the songs, but if brief intro song with the highly crea- taining his indie scenester credibility. The final song, ‘No Surprise (For department of Glastonbury began to you enjoyed Person Pitch last year (yes, tive name ‘Number One’, the album His voice sounds its best when strug- Wendela)’ starts with singing that in- crank it up this week with the open- it’s impossible to escape the Panda Bear starts gently pulling the listener in with gling to reach and hold long notes, stantly brings Weezer to mind while ing of ticket ‘registrations’ on the 1st, reference), you’ll enjoy this also, as it’s “Galaxy Of The Lost”. The deliciously exposing a harshness that contrasts the music slowly builds up in layers, and the announcement of a couple of in much the same vein. catchy tune sets the tone for the album with the overall softness of the album. culminating with a string section, wind headliners to get the mouths of the It’s taken a while for his album to fi- with light acoustic guitars, pianos and Upon listening to the lyrics, however, instruments and the repeated line “The masses salivating. Amongst them, in nally be picked up by a UK seller, but mild drumming, backing the almost it’s clear that theses songs are anything more I hear, the more I hate”. Thank- a move that is sure to attract much it’s the perfect thing to cheer you up musical sounding vocals. Throughout but cute. ‘Tell Me What It’s Worth’ fully, the same is not true for this al- criticism from festival purists, the on these dreary February days. Hurry the 12 songs, Dev highlights problems flows perfectly on from the second bum, with each listening bringing out Jigga Man himself, Jay-Z, has been up for one of the 25 copies available for of modern society, staying poign- song and, with its catchy beat and pop subtle parts that are missed on first in- confirmed as a main feature. Don’t get sale on the Rough Trade website. lter- ant and stimulating at all times. This sensibilities, it is a clear choice for a spection and some brilliant pop songs me wrong, I think Jay-Z is awesome, natively, just listen to it all for free on is done with a frankness and honesty single. The lyrics hint at abuse that Dev to introduce a new year of music. but for a festival that wants to be edgy his MySpace page, you cheap bastard. that’s far away from the cringe mak- has experienced for not conforming to and maintain the hippy festival spirit Clemy Walker ing and emotionless bullshit spouted the racial stereotypes expected of him, James Houghton of old, it’s a bit of a poor show, adding more fodder to the growing backlash against the now shamelessly middle- class mainstream festivals. This has been the case for a good few years, so it is by no means the beginning of Bitesize chunks of tasty, tasty music the end for festival culture, but once the cool has gone, it’s only a matter of time before the money is gone and the now and again. But heh, that’s life. Her and the typical hum-de-dum melody people go elsewhere. Adele voice is surprisingly soulful; strong and Morrissey that’s sure to get stuck in your head for I’m not totally cynical about festivals Chasing Pavements rich unlike Kate and Lily who have lit- That’s How People Grow Up a bit. A sprinkle of self-pitying but not just yet. One great thing that has come ★★★★✩ tle to offer in terms of vocal versatil- ★★★✩✩ overly whiney lyrics (they’re about how out of their growing popularity is the ity. Melancholic, tinged with nostalgia, you don’t really find love when you’re variety of festivals off the beaten track one truly feels a sense of helpless- young, but that’s just part of life) sung which could never be sustainable Myspace. Myspace. In the past few ness - ‘Should I give up? Or should I Oh, Morrissey. What are we going to in – er – Morrissey’s style, and you’ve without the popularity of the main- years, there has been this prevailing just keep chasing pavements even if do with you? Following his surprisingly got another single-worthy track. I’m stream. This summer I’m hoping to trend of making it big through good it leads nowhere’? Certainly, it makes well-received ‘Ringleader of the Tor- not really sure what to say. It’s hardly go to a minimalist-electro festival in old Myspace. With the likes of Kate one question one’s own life, whether mentors’ just a year or so ago, he’s back. a radical departure from his previous Austria, but closer to home there’s a Nash and Lily Allen, everyone is want- it’s worthwhile chasing for that some- Erm. Sort of. Recently, he’s sold out 5 work. If you already like him, you’ll whole load of folk and jazz and what- ing a slice of fame and what a perfect thing beyond reach. To be or not to be nights at the Camden Roundhouse, probably like it. It’s not a particularly ever festivals for those of you who are way to promote oneself and one’s mu- is the $64,000 question. Adele’s voice soon there’s a Greatest Hits compila- great song though, and certainly not as sick to death of the NME as I am. sic. In the case of 19 year old Londoner is unquestionably a revelation. With tion, with a couple of new tracks on, about to convert you if you’ve already In other news, the NME awards are Adele, Myspace seems to have done a the gloriously soaring chorus comple- this and the drippingly ironic ‘All You decided that you hate his guts and that coming up soon. I implore you all to very satisfactory job. Being best friends mented by powerful strings and brass, Need is Me’. You know, this is going to he can stick his stupid fucking flowers give as little of a shit as I do. with Jack Penate may, according to you’ll have this tune stuck in your head mark me out as a bit of a fanboy, but up his stupid fucking quiff-laden arse. some, have helped her on her way to for a long long while. surely he actually knows this is the If you fancy reviewing some stardom, shall we say. Indeed, Adele is a talent to watch out kind of devilry he slated in The Smiths’ Matt Long music or gigs, send us an email ‘Chasing Pavements’ follows Adele’s for this year. The new Amy Winehouse Paint a Vulgar Picture? It even says “ex- to [email protected] and first limited edition single ‘Hometown is in town. Let’s hope there will be no tra track and a tacky badge”. It’s not That’s How People Grow get yourself on the mailing list. Glory’; this sweet, mellow number re- mentioning of rehab. Chasing Pave- like things are bad for Morrissey fans Up is the new single off the Free music giveaway soon, stay flects lost love and regret, something ments sure delivers the goods! though. It’s got the chugging power forthcoming album ‘Greatest Hits’ tuned! that most of us sadly have to endure Susan Yu chords that he’s become fond of again, available February 11th. Friday 8 February 2008 felix 27

Nightlife Nightlife Editor – Greg Mead [email protected] Goodbye beloved Turnmills Turnmills is the latest London club to fall to developers, but never fear, the wonderful clubnights Together and The Gallery will be relocating shortly. Felix talks to them

Gregory Mead The landlord’s have been understand- Gregory Mead ing and I’ve got nothing but respect for Nightlife Editor After 23 years and over 3000 club- them. They’ve allowed us to do what nights, the legendary nightclub Turn- we wanted over the past year while we Hello, and welcome back to the Night- mills will be closing its doors for good, were deciding what to do, then recently life page, you might have noticed the thanks to evil developers who want to they presented us with a deal that felt lack of material in this section the past turn the club into flats. Over the week- right, at the right time, and it was the few weeks, which has mainly been end of 21st-23rd March, Turnmills obvious choice to move on. It feels as down to me having way too much work will present its best and last series of though it’s come to a natural end, and at the moment to make the wonderful clubnights, and Felix is lucky enough we are finishing on a high. The club page you’re all used to, which is why to have 3 pairs of tickets, one for each has been the best and busiest it’s been I’m looking for a new Nightlife editor! event to give away to our readers. Read in its history, and that’s the way I want you’ll have access to all the free stuff we the box for more details, but before you it to be remembered. I’m really proud get given (plenty of festival and club- do that you can read what Danny New- of what we’ve done and been through night tickets), and have the honour of man, the director of Turnmills had to at Turnmills; the club will always have having your words published in the say about their departure. a special place in my heart. I’ll miss legendary Felix. This is my fourth year “The most important reason is of it dearly, as it will so many people. working for Felix, and I think it’s about course that the lease is nearly up and Thanks to everyone that ever came time I gave up the position of nightlife the landlord wants to develop the site. down, it was YOU that made the place editor to another person, especially To be honest it’s been on the cards for what it was, we were just doing what since I won’t be able to do it next year a couple of years now, we’ve always we do behind the scenes.” and I don’t want all the wonderful con- wanted to leave on our terms and it just Don’t worry though, the people be- Competition! tacts we’ve built up over the years to go seems like the right time to go - from a hind Turnmills won’t give up that eas- to waste. business and personal point of view. So ily, they’ll still be bringing events such Guess what? We’ve got a pair of tickets for each of the three So, if you fancy it just email in to many different people love Turnmills as Get Loaded In The Park and Electric LAST EVER EVENTS at Turnmills on 21,22 and 23rd March to give [email protected]. You don’t for so many different reasons and the Gardens Festival (which Felix was lucky away to our wonderful Felix readers! The lineup is secret, but we even have to do it alone, you could do it Easter Weekend allows us to do eve- enough to visit the past few years), and know it’ll be huge. with a friend if you like, most sections rything we want to do properly, for all the flagship clubnights The Gallery and in Felix have more than one editor. the acts, DJs, promoters and friends Together will be re-launching at a fa- To enter, just email [email protected] or text TURNMILLS,your Readers shouldn’t be worried though, along the way that have made it such mous London clubnight very soon, so email address and the date you’d like tickets for to the Felix until the new section editor is found, a very special place and more impor- watch this space for information when phone: 07980 148 785. I’ll still be making the pages for your tantly to do it the right way... our way it comes, we may even have competi- reading pleasure, and organising our (line up to be announced very soon). tion tickets for those nights too. Expect it to be more full than this world famous competitions. This week we’ve got articles on Turn- mills and The End, both lovely clubs if you like a nice night out, which you can do for free by simply texting or email- ing in to Felix, courtesy of the lovely Turnmills and The End PR teams. Groove Armada take up residency Upcoming in the future should be some previews and reviews of all things big happening in London, one of them with Lovebox at The End and AKA being a night with 2ManyDJs, and an- other by Felix favourite, Boys Noize. Expect ticket giveaways for both these Yet more competition prizes from The End. Groove Armada start up their new events. Anyway, as ever - that’s all I’ve got residency on Saturday, so email or text us quickly to win the tickets for the launch to say this week, apart from a very late happy new year. Remember we always need keen reviewers to write articles Gregory Mead for us, so feel free to email us about that too. Have a good rest of term! Saturday 9th February sees the start of a brand new residency at The End - Lovebox presents: Bang the Box. After a handful of one-off parties at The End last year under the Lovebox banner, Nightlife Editor including a great after party for July’s Lovebox festival, Groove Armada have Can you read and write found a permanent home at The End. English? After concentrating on finishing their fifth studio album to date, ‘Soundboy Do you like taking photos? Rock’, and creating a great festival this summer (Felix approved of it for sure), Do you like music and Andy Cato and Tom Findlay are finally clubbing? ready to return to their DJing roots with a London residency. Do you like editing nightlife Both halves of one of the duo are ex- pages in Felix? cited about the new night, and Tom ex- plains to us: “We’re really looking for- If the answer is yes to any of ward to the new residency – it’s been these questions (or none of a long time since we played regularly them) then you’re perfect for on the London club scene. For the first the job of Nightlife Editor ex- party I’m playing the main room – I trordinaire. No previous expe- love The End’s main room for its total Grooverider. Hopefully your vision won’t go like this. If it does, you’re very naughty rience is necessary, we’ll teach chaos, being right in the middle of all you everything you need to that mania! However, I’m also looking know...and more. forward to playing the back room at Barton from Radio 1 and The Lovebox In the lounge, Manchester’s masters the legendary Nocturnal returns with future parties – you can get that real Allstars will be on hand at every party. of eclectism the Unabombers will be The Shapeshifters. If you are interested in this, or house party vibe in there.” For the launch on Saturday, Def Mix’s jumping from genre to genre, with If this all sounds good to you, then just fancy being a reviewer, Alongside Groove Armada, Bang Hector Romero, one of the stars of help from Severino, resident at Vaux- why not email in to Felix, or text The then send us an email: the Box will also line up a plethora of the New York club scene will be join- hall’s most notorious ‘21st century tea End and your email address to the Felix [email protected] excellent residents and guests to keep ing Groove Armada’s Tom Findlay, dance’ Horse Meat Disco. Up in AKA, phone 07980 148 785, and you could them company. Digs from DIY, Rachel Digs and Rachel in the main room. there’s another reason to celebrate, as win the two tickets! 28 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Fashion Fashion Editor – Sarah Skeete [email protected] Fall ‘08 Ready-to-wear NY he Fall 2008 collection has sty Johnson does either of these two COOL been, at the time of writ- things. Joke! ing, mostly uninspiring. I love-love-love Jovovich-Hawk’s col- There are a few bright lection. Although I’m not quite sure if T spots, which especially in it’s the clothes or the crop haired mod- contrast, shine bright enough to burn el Shea Prueger who I have a non-les- you retinas. bionic crush on. Although some pieces The worst offender has been Betsey are too vintage shop unwearable, it’s Johnson, which looks like an irrelevant indie-pop deliciousness on the whole. old person trying to keep up to date, I have higher hopes for London Fash- pastiching young exciting designers. It ion Week, despite it having a reputa- reminds me of Interview with A Vam- tion in the fashion world as being ir- pire (which I think about too much) relevant in comparison to Paris, Milan, where the old vampires need a ‘com- New York. In my opinion it’s by far the panion’ to keep them up to date with most exciting and inspiring week of the world, otherwise they lose touch them all. with society and end up going insane Next week: The complete NY Fall ‘08 Kitsune Maison 5 or committing suicide. I suggest Be- overview. The latest cd by music & fash- ion label Kitsune. The compila- tion to buy to hear the latest sounds.

ANTM’s Heather Kuzmich A contestant on America’s Valentine’s Next Top Model with Asperg- ers Syndrome. I love her in a day gift guide very real way.

Ok, so, you’ve got to Imperial, and found yourself a girlfriend. Most of the battle is over! Why, then, my friend, are you reading the fashion pages of Felix? Because Valentine’s Day is swiftly approaching, and it seems you need to purchase said girlfriend a present. So, you could go to Sainsbury’s, and pick her up a handful of swift- ly rotting carnations to prove your undying affection. But maybe you want something a little less... ge- neric? Here are our top tips for shopping for your nearest and Bleached white hair dearest female: A hairdresser is sadly required Karl Lagerfeld... 1. Don’t buy jewellery from Argos. to do this. Although I’d go Simple; if you like her skin flesh only by recommendation, you coloured and not a) rotting with can’t trust those bastards! ...is a photographer and shoots the Chanel press Excema, b) oddly coloured or c) Always with their own agenda. both of the above, then I suggest kits and catalogues. going to an actual jewellers and not a homeware store masquerad- ...tears out the pages of books as he reads them. ing as one. 2. Avoid Oxford Street. Yes, it ...loves Coke Zero. contains the flagship stores. Yes, there are more things there. Go ...eats next to nothing(!) somewhere with only one shop and then you’ll have less choosing ...designs his clothing through drawings and to do (as long as it’s not Argos). 3. Think about what colours she sketches rarely touching the fabric. wears. Do not fool yourself with the old adage “she must love the ...collects Art Deco. colour pink, being female and all”. 4. Accessories are safer as you ...throws everything away, he doesn’t keep any don’t have to know sizes. Ask Terry Poison yourself the following questions: Hot pop-electric threesome past sketches, photos or clothes. does she have her ears pierced? from Tel-Aviv. Does she wear jewellery? Does she ...once played an aristocratic German lothario in carry all her make up around with her everyday (thus ruling out all the Andy Warhol film L’Amour. bags the size of a postage stamp). 5. Get a gift receipt. LAME ...has three assistants whose only duty is to travel Confused? See you hovering around the flower section in the world loading ipods with new music. Sainsburys on Feb 14th. Francesca Buckland Chip Chop! @ www.frockyou.com.au Friday 8 February 2008 felix 29

Games Games Editors – Azfarul Islam and Sebastian Nordgren [email protected] This Week

Azfarul “Az” Islam C&C gets Kaned Settlers of Catan The dark hour approaches RTS Masterclass Pt. I Games Editor trategy. It permeates into every aspect of modern day living. Even your humble breakfast is a smorgasbord & S of choice: will the nutritional Flamebait: Nod off, C C values of cereal outweigh that of egg- and-toast? Or how about skipping Samir Talwar realises that the Kane Edition wasn’t as able as he wanted breakfast, whetting your appetite for a hot lunch which you can enjoy in a moreish way now. Ah, strategy. ommand and Conquer 3 Riiiiiiiiiight. ... what a beautiful game. As you can probably tell, this week’s And yet, somehow, they overarching theme is that of the mul- got everything wrong. tifaceted forms of strategy in gaming. C Before you get around Ranging from the hatred of tedium to forming that tried-and-tested lynch that sets into C&C 3 to the revered mob, let me explain. If you’ve played boardgame that is The Settlers of Ca- any other Command and Conquer tan, we explore this age-old genre that game, you’ll understand they’re quite has defined battlefields of yore. simple as strategy games go. You get Don’t get Samir wrong here: he’s stuff, you use stuff to make other stuff quite a robust C&C player on any field, then you use the other stuff to kill yet but if he says it’s getting tedious then more stuff. Tactics usually focus on he’s probably right. Personally I find doing one of these three steps faster most PC RTS’ quite grating although than the opposition. The beauty of the I do have a soft spot for Battle for game was that you could learn how to Middle-Earth II, mainly because of the play with any of the randomly-named brilliant Lord of the Rings mythos that factions and have some chance of win- provides the singularity for the game. ning. Until C&C Generals came out, Settlers of Catan was a game we the series was easy to learn and hard to Even on PCs, brown is the new next generation of visual artistry and resplendence; gorgeous, like my arse discovered quite soon after Ticket to master... just like it should be. Ride and what a wonderful unearth- Then they introduced that third side, ing ‘twas. Quickly replacing “the train and everything went to hell. What they didn’t realise is that could play and turned it into Generals should stay away from it; the Brother- game” as our corridor fave, we’ve man- At some point, very shortly (coin- StarCraft, while one of the best games 2: With Even More Cataclysmic Weap- hood of Nod, who believe it’s good and aged to get a fair few people involved cidentally, of course) after Electronic released for its time, was starting to onry. The aliens are overpowered, the people should inject themselves with and with good reason, as you’ll find out Arts folded Westwood Studios into date, and that its approach to the genre good guys are slow and while the bad the stuff, and the Scrin, a race of aliens soon enough. Interestingly, the game their own ever-greater bosom, they – three factions: one for newbies, one guys are funny, one out of three ain’t who only exist because the lead de- embraces the concept of expansion decided that Blizzard, best known for experienced players and one for exactly a winning score. signer saw Independence Day during which is something quite endemic to now for the soul-sucking behemoth both – was not what C&C fans were For those of you that don’t care about his weekend off. Nod are fast, not great computer games. World of Warcraft, made better strat- looking for. Or it may have been... I this game, let me enlighten you: there’s at blowing stuff up but amazing at be- Disgaea may be roughly four years egy games, and promptly stole all their don’t particularly care. Essentially, the Global Defense Initiative, who ing blown up themselves. The Scrin old but its depth of strategy and flex- ideas. they took a game that my little sister believe Tiberium is bad and people are slower than that goddamn tortoise ibility of play are still as compelling. (lil’ tip, Mr. Tortoise: just ‘cos the hare True, graphically it hasn’t aged partic- is stupid doesn’t mean you’re not just a ularly well but there’s more to it than lazy sod) but after a little while, you get just that. PSP owners can take this access to the big, beefy space ships that gem on the go since a port – named blow up everything in sight. GDI are in Disgaea: Afternoon of Darkness – is the middle... yes, they’re boring and I available, wherever you like to get your refuse to write any more about them. games from. There are good aspects to C&C 3, of Alexander Stubley offers his exper- course. It’s stonkingly pretty, the cam- tise and cogent advice as we explore paign is quite fun and you start grin- the various strategies that have defined ning like a rampant monkey on happy or have been defined by the RTS genre. pills every time you see that last futile From familiar terms such as turtling to defence turret explode in a shower of more esoteric tactics like critical mass, sparks and shrapnel. However, fire up Dr Stubley gives a 101 on all things that a multiplayer game and problems hit need additional Pylons. Although the you faster than a sack full of upside- lack of rushing is a bit disappointing. down anti-gravity boots. Ah, well. I’m sure he’ll be back with The resources disappear far too more since there’s a lot to these games quickly – despite Tiberium being de- that I, quite frankly, don’t care about. scribed as a cancer that’s close to cov- This week in Byte, we have a full col- ering the entire planet due to its rapid umn dedicated to the addicting PAX growth, you can completely obliterate Galaxia which is pretty much like a re- the map of the stuff in no time at all. al-time version of Risk. In space. With I’m not entirely sure how EA thought colours. And no dice rolls. Our News this might be a good idea, as all it’s ef- Ed, Andrew, has graciously agreed to fectively done is shortened the game review the game. By the way, it’s also length. Tomo’s all-time favourite and if any of All you can do after your funds have you are reading this and want to get run out is attack with the force you him a birthday present this would be have: on a large map with lots of Ti- the ideal gift. berium (as an aside, why exactly is a As an aside: Yahtzee of Zero Punc- radioactive, poisonous crystal the re- tuation fame has given in to the hoards source in these games? How do you and offered his messiah-like take on sell the stuff?) this can take a good half Call of Duty 4. Go watch it. Now. an hour, but fill up the map with the Please don’t hesitate to send in your number of armies it’s designed for and comments, critique and articles to the fun disappears after ten minutes. [email protected] Can you catch the movie reference here? The clue is the giant frikkin’ “laser” beam It sure is gorgeous though. 30 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Games [email protected] TableTops: Settlers of Catan Byte Azfarul Islam discoverscovest that att there’s e es far a more o eat at stake in this brave new world Pax Galaxia

really must applauud playedd. Yes,s thih s means that yoouu caalling a mom nopoly of all resourc-c discard half of tht em to the these brilliant Ger-r can actualally roll a number thaat ess to wrrest the corresponding stockpile. Mind you, this regu- mans forr theh incep- haas nothinng to do with your areeaa cards fromm others’s hands or add- lates hoarding so it’ss a slightly tit ono of suuchh intn erer- and have your opponen nts picck ing a preccious extra victory point positive thing unless you’rre estiing, quiirkky andd up resources bece auusee the digitts ttoo the talllyl . the one guilty of gluttony. rightfully addicting board matct hed upu . It may seem likkee Througgh the combination of And there’s momore. gamess. Firi st was Ticckek t there’s a ceertain mutual coro dialitty developmment cards and mutual The pllayerr whose plot is too Ride, andn now, it’ss time but it only seervves to increase youur dicee roollss, the game creates an being robbedd fror m is also re- for Seettlers of Catan. rer solve for victory. inntoxix catiing rissk/rewarrd elementn lieved of a rar ndn om resouurce http://sillysoft.net/pax/ Whereaas TiT ckket to RRidee See, in ororder to buiu ld, you musstt thata intriinsicallly bindss alll plaayy- cardd froom hhis haand by the per- had liittt lee in the way of be- exchana gee the correct combina- ers togethher. And too that mim x, ar-- son castini g ththe dreaded Seven. Ah... Pax. How do I love thee? ing comparable to an existing tion andn numbeb r ofo resource rir ves thhe Robbere . See, theh robbber Soometimem s it’s a pretty good Let me count the ways. Frus- paraadid gm, Settlers of Cataan cards as paymentn . For example, is bada . CoC rrectit on. AlA l robberrs iddea to make suru e you keep your tratingly difficult beyond im- coc mfortably nudgees memo- you’lll need an ample supply off are baad.d ThT is one in partiicullar hannd within a certain limit. If agination, often painful to the ries of Age of Empirres on the Woodd andd Brick to pap vee roadsd is downrright nasty. Whosoever yoy u ddon’n t havev the right cards eyes, and devourer of my oth- PC and boarddgame warhorsr e wheereas upu grg ading to Cities ree- ror lls a Seeven isi ablb e to move the to buiuildl settllements or roads erwise productive time. But Pax Monon poly. Of course, it’s noot a quirese a mmasassive two Whheats and roobber – whoh starts from the then thhere’s another option is a game which sticks in the complel te mélange, but rathher, threr e OrO ess. It’ss worth it thouughg : desert – to any resouru ce plot on crucu ial tot these fledgd ling com- mind like an icepick through it discec rns itseelf through as- resouurcees addjajacentnt to Citiese ac-c the bob ard.d Any player withh influ- munitit es: tradding resources. your eye. tounu dingly robbust design. cuc mmulate at twicce the rate, soo you ennce of the reesos urce plot is no Proobably the most enter- How can I describe it to the The objective ofo the game is gegett twwo cardr s fof r the rooll of ono e. longer able to claim the bounty of taini inng portioon of the game, unknowing masses? The first tot start off on a prredominnantly Victory is achieved once a thhe land regardless of thee correct plp ayyers are abble to trade in nu- thing you will notice about Pax hexagonal map wiw th plots for plp ayyerr’s comombined deevelopmp ent dicece roll. Alsl o, if anyoy ne happens meerous ways.. In terms of the are the players. In a crowded vaarious natural reesourrces standsd at tet n (10) points. Settle-- to be posssesssing eigght or morer board, if you cac n build towaards office, you will hear a scream and then throuugh careful ments offeer ono e, two points arre resouurcec cards in haandnd, then he the coastal booundary then you from those who are intiated in planning: build roads and gleaned frf omo cittiies whhereas spe- or sheh may be able to make use of the ways of the click. The click- citieses to expap nd youo r inn- cial bonusses sucu h asa possessinng must maritime traded harbours. The ing that it constantly makes fluennce. Your ini itiaal pllaca e- the lol ngest roadd and/or arrmy also benefits are plenty with be- during play is like crack for the menntt is cruciai l beb cause tht eyy addd dod ubblel poio nts. As with all ing able to offer three of the ears. Once you’ve heard it, you becomem the basess of eexpap nsioon buildingn s, one can also exchange same resource (maritime are drawn to compulsively play annd you are allso given whatet v-v resoource cara ds in order to pick up trading without control whenever it sounds... like a ere resourcces you are adjd aca ent sosommeethhing frf om thee Development of a port requires four) zombie to a brain-depository. tot inin tially. deck. Thesse develoopment cards to achieve any one The basic premise of Pax is Simillar to Monopooly, you allow ppllayere s to perform unique whereas the other galactic domination. The play- arre able to acquiri e units of re- aca tiono s ports allow you sources from the plots thaat lie suchh to exchange two within thee immmediate peripph- ass of a particular re- ery of your settlement / city source for one of block. Unlike the aforemen- another (or if you’re tioned, you can only achhievev really daft, for onee of reesources when a dice roll the same... surprrisingly, coorrresponding to the number this can be a very smart tooken (below) onn theh plol t is strategy if you wish to rid yourself of cards but can af- ford to lose one only). All are rather good options and if you have particularly strong er starts the game on a single, control oveer a certain re- or small set of stars, with a set source, then these be- number of ships. These stars come valuable supply are connected to other stars, depots for resources and your ships can travel to thhat may be dearer these other stars, subjugating or less ffrequent or their indigenous population even inaccessible (presumeably), and forcing to oneself. them to construct giant stat- And thenn there’s ues of yourself (in my head, player tradingg. It’s at least). These stars all have pretty much open for specific properties (defense all manner of devious bonus, attack bonus, produc- undercr utting, desperate tion bonus, etc) and all of them rival bids, mutual agree- create more ships. Distribute ments and somem times, your ships at the borders and debts; players are allowed attack the other 5 players until to trade with others when it’s you OWN IT ALL. Didn’t I men- their turn. There’s a multi- tion that you play this at high layered level of strategy sis nce speed against internet oppo- itt involves gag uging what the nents? Sorry. They’re all amaz- ottheh r tends tot do, if it will af- ingly good at it as well... This ffectct you, if theh trade is worth it is the beauty of Pax. You can annd iif you wili l be able to capi- play online for free, or pay $10 tatalil ssee moro e thhan he oro she can. to generate your own maps Itt’s quuitee enggrossing to say the and practice offline. It’s Risk in leasst.t space, and it’s really, really ad- Cards, anyone? CoCombm inede , theese asaspep ctcts dictive. I’m going to stop writ- ccooallescec to foformrm an exxperirienencece ing now, and go and play. Having the luck of the draw is one thing but ththatat reqequiuirees prp esescicienent ccaalcl u-u also knowing how and when to play your hand lal ttiionnss, grarandnd orchests rations,s Andrew Somerville is equally important. Development cards (left) shhreewdwd busu ini ese s accumene , thhe bestow special bonuses. The Soldier card al- aba ili ity toto bala ana cece needsd andn lows you to move the robber at will while wwantnts anand momorere impmportat ntt- the Year of Plenty lets you replenish your lyl , bbeeinng abbllee to tht ororouo ghg lyl resources with two cards of your choice enenjojoy yoy uru seelff. A prp ememieerere from the stockpile. Brandishing a cov- booara dgame ththatt’’ss as adddid ctc inng eted Monopoly during moments of asas thhey coomee, Settt leers of CaC - tight-fisted attrition really spice up the ttan embodo ieies tht e “o“one moro e experience. Get to know this deck. roounund”d” cono ceeptpt witith relil sh. Friday 8 February 2008 felix 31 [email protected] Games Gairaigo – Disgaea: Hour of Darkness

Azfarul Islam taking a puerile, whimsical route, it’s you to position your characters on the in front of me, but I had other plans. Games Editor easy to get sidetracked off the main map to take advantage of a variety of Instead, I picked it up and hurled it gameplay elements and actually pay situations. This way you can attempt into the yellow series of panels thereby Oh noes. Is it can be? Gairaigo returns attention. Along the way, you’ll bump to attack a foe’s backside (deals more causing all squares glowing yellow to like the proverbial Godzilla sequel: big- into a smorgasbord of personable damage) or try a pincer attack with be imbued with a lovely -50% defence. ger and erm... bigger. Really, it’s more characters ranging from the Sphenis- more of your party. And hey, what do you know, all the en- of the same stuff that you all love and cidaen Prinnies (who suffix the word Once this positioning is done, you emies happened to be on them. Glee. hate. Mostly a mixture, no? ‘dood’ to everything) to the constantly may select your attack strategems, The introduction of throwing, Geo Going with the strategic motif that derided Mid-boss (real name: Vyers). magical tactics, et al. And voila! With Stones and Geo Panels are only part defines this ludological issue of the pe- While the predominant expositions everything ready, you finally let the of this holistic experience. Other high- riodical, we muse over one of the Play- are left to Laharl, Etna and a confused action commence procedurally. Once lights involved dirty politics in the Dark Station 2’s finest pot pourris of strat- angel trainee named Flonne, these oth- your turn is up, the enemy party does Assembly to get certain bills passed egy, role-playing (in the typical, crazy er personalities flesh out the comedy the same and the combat continues (like making stuff at the Item Shop Japanese way, of course) and humour. with their unique antics. The writing thusly. Without even delving into the cheaper, which is quite awesome): one Yes, Disgaea: Hour of Darkness for- may not be particularly sharp or witty, finer nuances of the game, you can way to accomplish this is to keep of- goes poignancy (read: whiny existen- it makes do with sardonic commen- judge from the onset whether this fering tributes to the Senators. You tial angst) in favour of juvenile humour tary, an overabundance of Narcissi- game will be tedious or not; some can of course, piss some of them off, that gracefully carries a sense of clever cism and some deliciously ham-fisted will, no doubt, be turned away and which can be a Very Bad Thing™ since

Special attacks are complemented with some snazzy effects No one states the blinding obvious better than our Flonne parody about it. Prince Laharl wakes voice-acting. And yeah, there are a lot rightfully so. For me, it was my first the bastards remember you. If all else up after a two-year nap only to find of prurient jokes that’ll induce childish time playing a game of this type and fails, stand up for your rights (and get out that his dad King Krichevskoy has grins, groans and a mixture of both. I personally found the flexibility and squashed... but hey at least you tried). passed away. In between, the remain- The game is visually quaint and time to consider options a blessing. You’re even able to Transmigrate be- ing denizens of the Netherworld have thankfully the characters are animated Once you figure out group attacks and tween character classes (not genders, seen fit to vie for the throne. Pissed off, with sprites since Nippon Ichi’s forays combo benefits, it’s really time to look sorry) to pick up different skills and Laharl begins his own reign of terror in into the third dimension of visuals are, further in. even have little Pupils of your own that a bid to fight back against the pretend- well, crap. These hand-drawn avatars Like some sort of comedy scene level up faster and allow you to borrow ers alongside his treacherous (if she make up for it with plenty of individu- about to go wrong I picked up all my their unique abilities. Aww, they grow wasn’t, it wouldn’t be the Netherworld, ality though. Musically, the game offers characters who emerged from the por- up so quickly. dammit) vassal, Etna. Despite the story a silly carnival-like atmosphere with tal and created a human ladder about And... ah, forget it. It’ll only ruin the tracks that will either grate or get stuck eight men- (and women-) high. Why? fun and I’m running out of space to in your head. Or worse: do both. To throw them, of course. Isn’t it obvi- boot; that in itself says much about the However, the overarching focus ous? I proceeded to throw groups of depth of this game. of Disgaea falls upon its abyssal, idi- characters in a well-calculated series So what’s really on offer? A compel- osyncratic gameplay elements. It’s a of manouevres that saw the last one, ling, emotive RPG that innovates like self-styled turn-based Strategy Role- the victor, standing dizzily in front of no other? No freaking way. Rather, it’s Playing Game that you may have expe- a crystalline coloured-gem. Normally a compelling, hilarious strategy game rienced with the likes of Final Fantasy it would have taken me many turns to that involves you to OCD levels of Tactics or Disgaea’s lesser successors. walk up to it and all the while I would tinkering and offers you some of the The combat is conducted upon grid- have been under the influence of a strangest gameplay quirks you’ll ever based levels that allow discrete move- -50% defence penalty that defined the see. Yeah, so it’s an old game but this ment and attack patterns for your glowing areas. This could all be solved kind of charm is truly untarnished by Character recruitment characters. The first step will be for by destroying the accursed Geo Stone time. 32 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Games [email protected] The Player’s Guide to Real Time Strategies

Alex Stubley the hotkeys in the game, although hav- The third major aspect in strategy cro, but the end result is that you know have to be treated differently when in ing good basic control of the mouse games is that of the unit strategy. In its your opponents units and movements very large numbers. Typically the units One of the most enduring genres of will also work wonders. most basic form unit strategy takes the so an effective counter can be found. that critical mass are long-range, some- PC gaming is that of the common guise of what counters what in a game, Due to micro mostly helping you find times with associated splash damage, RTS. Over time the skills required to but it also is important for figuring out what units your opponent has, it plays and usually rather fragile. play competitively in these games have Macromanagement unit combinations. a much greater part in games with an Counters to an individual unit will become as diverse as the games them- Unit strategy varies greatly between emphasis on unit strategy. But as well either not work against the critical selves. Working through a web of tech- games due to the individual units as checking what your opponent has, mass, or sometimes will work even nical terms for different play aspects themselves varying, unlike macro and recon also plays several other roles, more effectively against the mass than can be daunting, as can learning how micro which remain almost univer- such as keeping your own forces safe the individual. much each type of strategy is needed sal between games in the RTS genre. from harassment, or highlighting im- Counters of the former kind are usu- in each individual game to achieve Those who want to improve unit strat- portant choke points on the map to be ally due to having shorter ranges than the best balance of your brain’s clock egy in particular have two main routes defended. the mass (less ranks firing at once, or cycles. This brief guide should help to follow, either learn or research ef- The final thing recon does for you is simply dying before getting in range people nail down the basics required fective counters and combinations to allow you to stifle early expansions due to sheer volume of fire), while the for the more standard multiplayer RTS and stick by them, or alternatively one on your opponents’ part, as they can be latter counters are due to either some games out there. While these tips are could memorise a variety of the most difficult to defend and are quite an in- sort of immunity against the mass or not designed for squad-based strategy important unit stats to allow counters vestment for your foe. But the best part simply because they command a splash games, turn based strategy games or and combinations to be thought of on of recon in games? It only takes time. damage attack. This dividing of the single player games, some tricks might the fly for a particular situation. Give or take a single unit all it takes is a counters can usually be figured out still apply. On the opposite end of the scale is the Those who do not play strategy bit of micromanagement on your part by remembering unit stats, saving the The largest facets of strategy which art of macro-management (or sim- games often will usually find simply and all these benefits can be yours. number-centric players much hassle appear to a greater or lesser degree in ply macro). Again opposite to micro, learning various counters sufficient, Knowledge of your opponent’s army’s when it comes to defeating an oppo- all RTS games are those of microman- macro is the skills of looking at the big but those who plan to play a particu- location can allow easy harassment of nent's force. agement, macro-management and picture. While micro is metaphorically lar game often will find it particularly everything he/she owns that isn't right Critical massing is often used late- unit strategy. Achieving a balance of a leader in the field pointing and say- useful to be able to recite various im- next to his/her forces. A vigilant player game to help cover weaknesses in larg- these three attributes can be difficult ing “shoot that, attack its weak point portant stats about each unit. A solid can easily make quick attacks followed er armies, as a mass usually only relies in any given game due to it varying be- for massive damage!” or “build turrets knowledge of each unit's strengths and by equally quick retreats to chip away on small amounts of support to keep tween games so greatly. More interest- in a perfect hyperbolic arc here”, mac- weaknesses can allow a single effective at the opponent's bases or pockets of particularly nasty counters away, while ing however is how many of the more ro would be the general asking how counter to be found against combina- supporting forces with little to no cost the other half of the counters are ren- complicated concepts are simply a col- many tanks can be made in 5 minutes tions of enemy units, as well as letting to his own economy. In addition to the dered less effective due to the massed lision between two of the facets. or pushing those cool coloured blocks sickeningly cost-effective combina- slow wearing down of your opponents firepower. Fighting against a mass that around a map. tions to be found against your oppo- supporting forces, harassment is also uses support is a matter of either find- The largest aspect of macro in games nents forces. psychological attack where your op- ing a counter that neither the mass can Micromanagement is that of base building, map control Before investing much time trying to ponent may become excessively defen- beat nor the support, or using micro to and resource generation. Basically it is learn several tables of unit stats howev- sive to try to stop your attacks if you eliminate the support with lightning- important to try to keep your empire er it is worth checking how much unit are lucky, or might try a rash attack fast strikes followed by a crushing at- at maximum efficiency, with incom- strategy affects the game you are learn- with his current army to try to end the tack using all of the counters for the ing resources being maintained in an ing to play, as depending on the game a game before he takes too many losses mass itself. almost perfect equilibrium with out- single unit can wipe out armies, while which may or may not be to your ben- Mass on mass combat, however, is of- going costs. If any imbalance in your in a different game the perfect counter efit. Building a suitably mobile group ten determined by sheer numbers and economy springs up it should be recti- may still only be capable of fighting a of units with which to harass your op- monetary investment, although some- fied immediately by either more forces, battle at a 2:1 efficiency. ponents can seem like quite an invest- times one mass might be more “mass- more factories or simply searching out ment, but remember that those units able” thereby giving the advantage, additional resources. can regroup with your main army so it can be important to learn which In general, you should always be Reconnaissance quickly if needed and offer much- mass beats which mass. In general the producing forces except in the cir- needed support. “massability” of a unit is proportional cumstance when you are not sure to its range divided by its size, as they what your opponent has in reserves, in are the two factors that decide how First to be covered is the aspect of mi- which case keeping some emergency Critical Mass much withering fire it can hail down cromanagement. As the name suggests resources on hand can allow a counter on anything that opposes it. micromanagement (or simply micro) to be built within short order. is the art of little things, attention to detail. Micro can take many forms in Turtling a game, ranging from focusing fire Unit Strategies on key targets in skirmishes to plac- ing turrets in a perfect arc as to focus fire on a choke point to meticulously spreading units out to avoid splash damage attacks. An important thing about micro is Now learning what counters what is that it requires a time investment, so nice and all, but it just makes it all the although it allows your forces to oper- more important to know quite what ate more effectively under given cir- you need to counter in the first place, cumstances, it can be to the detriment as this is the place of reconnaissance in A little trick that only appears in cer- of other areas. Those who want to im- games (usually just called recon). Good tain strategy games is that of the criti- prove micro will do well to memorise recon in games takes quite a lot of mi- cal mass. Certain units in certain games Friday 8 February 2008 felix 33 [email protected] Games

Defence is important in any strategy build defences closer and closer using game, some would argue almost as im- the previous line of fortifications to portant as attack in fact. The basics to cover the ones being produced from defending your own base are to iden- your enemy’s attack. Once you and tify entrance points (sometimes with your opponent’s lines are just out of attached choke points), as well as not- range of each other it becomes possi- ing down what forces can attack from ble to bring siege engines in for the kill, angles other than the entrances (think and if your opponent wishes to bring air units or naval units). them down they will either need their Choke points are easy enough to de- own siege engines or they will have to fend, as it's a simple matter of placing break the front rows of the siege, either turrets and fortifications near them to way you will have the home ground concentrate firepower while the enemy advantage. forces are channelled into that loca- tion. If the choke point is particularly narrow the usage of splash damage Notes on the Late Game weaponry can be particularly devastat- ing, even if it wouldn't be on a normal One final aspect that separates into field of battle. two radically different gaming plans is Other methods of entering a base de- that of the extreme late game, where pend on the game, but in general you one of two things occur: can leave them lightly defended unless 1) Games where players can build re- you know your opponent is planning to source generators see an escalation of Wholesale slaughter: horse carcasses for sale, going cheap at your local market; roasted for free hit you in that manner. The final thing the battles and micro takes a back seat about fortifying a base, or any other as armies become larger and larger as position for that matter, is to know the players resource generation scales up- siege weaponry your opponent is likely wards until something drastic happens to bring. and their economy gets taken out. Generally, siege weapons are either 2) Resources on the map dry up and incredibly effective against buildings, once-major battles degenerate into or simply outrange them in combat, minor skirmishes where macro almost or sometimes both. If your opponent entirely disappears as players franti- is likely to use weapons shorter range cally micro their remaining forces to than your defences, simply building make the most of them. more defences can work (a critical The simple first step to stand up in mass of turrets?) although sometimes the late game is to know whether situa- it works better to mingle mobile units tion 1) or situation 2) will occur in the amongst your defences. If your oppo- game you are playing, which is intrinsi- nent is using weaponry that outranges cally related to whether resources are your defences, you can either keep a limited or whether you can produce small, fast army around to kill off any your own resources. The second step is long-range hardware your opponent to alter your playing style to make the may bring, or to simply integrate long- most of the situation. range siege weaponry into your own In situation 1), economy becomes defence. your lifeline as well as it also becom- Integrating longer range defences ing your opponents’ lifeline. Due to the into your fortifications brings the likely abundance of resources, armies problem that against an opponent with become larger and almost infinitely ex- Through the fire and flames only to be swallowed, spit out and stamped on by an angry turtle equal range you will have to place your pendable as they will be replaced as they longest range gear at the front of your are lost, and the entire objective of the lines, which is arguably the worst place game becomes trying to destroy your for it, so if both players have access to opponent's base and economy. Once the same range siege engines then a one player has lost their economy then mobile army is likely more effective. they lose their ability to replace forces lost to random throwaway armies and those random clashes around the map Laying Siege become devastating to your opponent as he cannot keep up with his armies destruction. Situation 2) causes the opposite to happen, as there is no longer an econo- my to speak of. The rarity of resources means each loss in the field is a blow to a player, and the game starts to re- volve around keeping each individual alive while trying to harass your oppo- nent's pockets of forces at little cost to yourself. Bases themselves start to lose strategic importance as an objective as they serve little purpose other than a metaphorical brick wall for your oppo- nent to waste forces trying to destroy. Situation 2) normally ends with one Even the trees eat meat in Warcraft III; it’s official: vegans have no place in the WoW My personal favourite form of defence player having the last remaining forces is that of the siege. Against an oppo- to show for his micro skills, following nent who bunkers himself up and tur- which he will proceed to slowly and tles, it is a good idea to take map con- systematically destroy his opponents' trol and to surround his base with your bases while trying to keep his siege en- own defences. Not only does it guaran- gines intact. tee that none of your newer expansion bases will get destroyed or even har- assed, but it is also presents you with a Conclusion smaller surface area to defend. However, sieges are not only useful So there are my views on general strat- for isolating your opponent in his base egy in a nutshell, warped by my own for defensive purposes, they are in- taste in gaming and tempered by my credibly useful to use as a staging point own little likings and cravings. Bear and a forward base of operations. Sieg- in mind that each game requires a dif- es not only give you the option to build ferent skill balance to play, and so it is units in the field instead of all the way important to realise when it's the time back at one of your main bases, but for micro and when it's the time for the proximity of nearby base defences macro. make harassment far more risk-free as No matter the balance the following a safe haven is always a short distance sentence will apply all the time: make away. sure you have the right units in the Sieges can lastly be used to encroach right place at the right time attacking on an opponent’s base by the use of the right target, and make sure you “leap-frogging”, which is where you have enough of them. You like this one, eh, Legolas? Eh? Think you can bring this one down? Didn’t think so, nyaaah! 34 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Technology Technology Editor – James Finnerty [email protected] Google vs MicroHoo! It’s on James Finnerty explains what one of the largest tech mergers ever really means

James Finnerty Technology Editor nce again welcome to the wonderfully gadget packed corner of the newspaper. We’ve had O a fair bit of news this week in the Tech world so lets bring everyone up to speed. With all the big news on Microsoft and Yahoo! we have delivered coverage on this as well as a slightly overlooked product in Micro- soft’s arsenal. Once again Apple have updated some of their products. Their prod- ucts have been filling these pages for a few weeks but thankfully their most After a decade online and heading towards a downard spiral, will Microsoft take charge? recent announcement is brief enough to mention here. The iPhone and iPod touch have had their storage capacities huge rock was thrown Microsoft executives plan to move that Google famously uses large clus- support for software developers. Via increased. into the calm pond of more into the online services market ters of cheap computers and a system their developers network Yahoo! has At the moment there exists 4Gb and Google's future this week. and hence wanting the Yahoo! brand. of distributing tasks to these modes actually maintained a good business 8Gb iPhones aswell as 8Gb and 16Gb Microsoft have offered a Sounds great on paper as Google that handles machine failure without model that allowed it to survive the touches. On Tuesday the 16Gb iPhone A staggering £22 billion to dominates this market, how this will breaking a sweat. This strategy is very end of the internet boom. The key to became available for about £60 more buy the long standing Yahoo! search affect the products produced by each cost effective and provides a high level this is extending your platform to in- than the 8Gb and a 32Gb iPod touch engine company. Now why would they side will be one to watch as Google has of reliability. MS and Y! on the other crease users and this allowed Yahoo! to should be in the shops in a few days, do this? Their key product is sub-par always updated and improved it's serv- hand are known for buying more com- keep afloat, albeit not as successfully as maybe even by the time of going to with millions of people drifting over to ices irrelevant of the competition. pact “high quality” systems were the some of it's rivals. The question lies in print. Also, any new touch purchased the big G monthly, making this appear Rumours are also floating around reliability of each machine is more whether Microsoft will want to merge included the new applications that you a very bad investment. The reasoning that someone may have a rival bid in important. Ultimately this costs them its popular developer's network with would have to pay for on any older comes from Microsoft's Steve Ballmer the works. Now this really poses the more money and they still end up less Yahoo!'s incarnation, producing a one ones. explaining that the purchase is intend- question what other company has £22 reliable. We've all had MSN Messen- stop shop for coders, or go along with Heathrow has started testing new ed to increase Microsoft's audience, billion to place in a high risk buy out? ger and Hotmail go down due to busy some sort of internal rivalry between security measures that will be imple- improve the brand of both companies I don't really see any oil or car compa- servers, but when did you last see this the departments. mented in Terminal 5. The guinea pigs and to literally build a bigger company nies buying a search engine and the happen to Google? A lot of people also feel that the of the new system will have the pleas- that can rival Google. only other tech company that could be To fix these kinds of problems would merge of these two companies is fun- ure of providing a blood, urine and This buy out will mean a huge deal to interested would be Apple, who aren't take a very brave move from Microsoft damentally set to fail as they have dras- stool samples as well as iris scans. Only anyone currently lucky enough to own ones to take on other companies prod- as they would most likely have to stray tically different philosophies. Yahoo! kidding, they just take a photo and shares in these companies. Microsoft's ucts. Could this mean Google would from their own homebrew software or has played a hand in the open source your prints, but this has added heat to share price has famously been more or try and buy Yahoo! just to stop Micro- spend millions/billions of dollars and world where as Microsoft has been the recent discussions about giving the US less static for the last 5 years and due soft doing it? But this would increase waste years producing their own re- antithesis of this, sticking to the tra- access to UK biometric databases. to Google, Yahoo! shares have been on their monopoly and thus risk having placement system from scratch. A big ditional method of charging users for Nokia are making their long an- the downward spiral. How this pur- the company divided so it’s not a likely ask on top of what they have already their products instead of using meth- nounced concept of shifting its N- chase will affect Google's value is yet to option. blown buying Yahoo! in the first place. ods such as advertisement to generate Gage gaming platform to smartphones be seen but if their lower than prom- If the purchase is successful the next There are growing concerns about revenue. a reality. The first phone to have this is ised quarterly profits are anything to hurdle to overcome is how MicroHoo! whether or not Microsoft will prop- As an interesting note, Google have the N81 so anyone using one of these go by people may start to stray. will merge their business models to erly support what is broadly accepted questioned Microsoft’s bid and have should be able get more games and Other sources have reported that compete with Google. The breaker is as Yahoo!'s greatest achievement, their asked for the regulators to verify that some clever sods have got the platform the purchase is sound. Could this be working on pretty much every Sym- Google quaking in its boots? They have bian S60 phone. also argued that Microsoft’s decision Here’s one for all the environmental- goes along with its history of trying to ists out there. Airbus have successfully obtain a monopoly, but the problem test flown an A380 that is fueled by a with this accusation is that the market synthetic fuel produced from natural of advertising which MicroHoo! would gas. The test flight used a cocktail of be trying to take on is almost already 60% regular jet fuel and 40% synthetic monopolised by Google. So basically with plans to increase the ratio in favor we’ve got two big babies arguing over of the synthetic fuel in upcoming tests. who gets to have a bigger share of the This change is expected to make a sig- internet. nificant impact on the airline indus- In my opinion Google is the one try’s global footprint. But will this be causing this to happen though. If they enough to satisfy the hippies? Maybe didn’t have such a large market share for now. then Microsoft and Yahoo! would not An IBM research paper has been dug have to merge to stand a chance of suc- up which reveals their future plans to cess in the hostile internet market. take over the world, I mean internet, If Yahoo! accpet this offer they will be although I think there are a fair few confessing that they themselves could people who can’t tell the difference an- not turn their company around which ymore. They plan to modify their Blue may cause a lack of confidence in their Gene super computer architecture to management, but it will still be a re- support traditionally server executed lief to those not wanting the company functions such as Apache and MySQL to fail. There is still a huge chance of as these tasks require larger levels of failure even if the merger goes ahead. computing power. If MicroHoo! cannot output products You may remember that during the that genuinely are of better quaity than last American election there was a high Google then this could destroy both of level of distrust in the electronic ballet the companies leaving Google with a system. Well shock horror all the fears monopoly. have surfaced once again so expect to So will this be the birth of the greatest see ten recounts of the upcoming su- technology company ever or will it be a per Tuesday votes before the next stage waste of time and money from some of of the election in November. the only serious rivals to Google? Only Lets move on to the articles. Bill, I have a cunning plan, all I need is £22 billion and a turnip time will tell. Friday 8 February 2008 felix 35 [email protected] Technology Headlines we Another toy to play with couldn’t fit in Andrew Slater finally went out and bought the iPod touch so we can get a review

design of the iTouch, however there is rate, with dictionary based corrections so much more to this device, namely for typos, gestures for zooming and Time Warner splits the interface. The iTouch uses a multi- the ability to correctly identify the link touch sensitive glass screen atop a gor- you're attempting to click. However, up AOL geous 480x320 display. With vibrant without the iPhone's ability to use the colours and a high number of pixels per mobile network, the iTouch is limited inch (163 dpi) it's incredibly sharp and to internet browsing in range of a Wifi clear. The device is perfect for video hotspot, although the university wire- podcasting, able to show widescreen less network is a perfect substitute. Middle East loses footage without a hitch. Unfortunately The iTouch packs one last punch in you are limited to Apple's favourite for- its inventory to make it a highly ad- the WWW mats (MPEG, h.264, Quicktime Mov), vanced portable media device, appli- so no native DivX support. cations. The current version in stores Apple have clearly spent a large (1.1.3) comes pre-loaded with Google amount of research on the iTouch as Maps, Mail, Youtube, stocks, as well as US Army switches the navigation is seamless and intuitive having an entire online web application with out-of-the-box usability. The mu- site. These extend the iTouch's func- to Linux sic library is fast and simple to navigate, tionality far beyond anything currently with the optional glitsy iTunes-style competing on the market and with the coverflow, utilising the touch screen release of the SDK around the corner to flick through the library in a more (allowing home programmers to create natural manner. Scrolling through their own applications) the iTouch has Vista SP1 released You must by sick of seeing this thing by now your music library is quick, easy and a limitless potential. pleasure compared to the Zen's click- A hefty pricetag does detract from to developers wheel interface. the iTouch's appeal, although there is hen my Creative design on the iTouch. Measuring 110 Now the iTouch is more than an MP4 an 8GB version for £199 and a 32GB Zen, a trusty MP3 x 61.8 x 8 mm it's a thin and portable player due to the cloning of its close version announced on Monday for player that sur- device powered by a 412 Mhz ARM relative, the iPhone. Inheriting WiFi those that have a huge media collec- BitTorrent admin vived more than its processor and a large 128MB of RAM. connectivity, along with the design and tion. The functionality of this device W fair share of abuse, It comes with the standard iPod grime- interface, the iTouch is an amazingly keeps giving, yet it is limited when given police bail died I decided to move up in the attracting metalic back and a flat glass powerful portable internet device. The not within range of a wireless access world. £256 later i have my replace- front comprised of a 3.5” screen and a built in Safari web browser renders point. The iTouch is perfect within the ment, a shiny new 16GB iPod Touch, single home button. Fitting perfectly pages with the iTouch's screen size in University's free wireless network, al- but is it worth the money? in the palm of your hand and weigh- mind and the touch screen interface though i would recommend potential After getting over the fact that i now ing a tiny 120g it's a highly “ooh, shiny” provides the best web browsing ex- buyers to weigh up whether they will own an Apple product I have to admit device. perience i've used for some time. The be using everything the iTouch has to UK DNS servers that I have fallen in love with the sleek It would be easy to go on about the onscreen keyboard is incredibly accu- offer. converted to IPv6

Mobiles don’t The MS Surface surfaces cause brain cancer James Finnerty explains the talk about Microsoft’s overlooked product

icrosoft first an- people to share music between their Surface in your living room you and a big breakthrough. This level of user France has new nounced their “Sur- Zunes for free but the tracks delete your accomplice can place your Zune's experience has always been Apple's face” product around themselves after 28 days. This proc- on the device and then drag files back thing and realistic competition in this super fast train a year ago. To give ess of sharing is not always a very user and forth. market could be fantastic for us as end M you an idea of exactly friendly experience and once again the I think that if this product becomes users. So Microsoft may start to make what it offers it combines a set of ex- Surface comes to the rescue. With your mainstream in public places it could be our lives easier for once. isting technologies to vastly improve customer experience in a broad range Pirate Bay hit with of locations. In essence it is a a touchscreen com- legal action puter that is embedded in the surface of the table. This alone is nothing new but the features which have been at- tached to this interface are what re- ally makes it shine. Using RFID ( Radio 3D holographic Frequency Identification ) the surface can detect devices which have been cinema a reality laid on it such as cameras, phones and even credit cards. A good example of the final use of the system which has been demon- strated by Microsoft is a new way to European ISS pay for meals or drinks in a restau- rant. Say at the end of a meal with a module ready to go group of friends you normally have the tricky process of splitting the bill be- tween you, with Surface this problem is eradicated. All of you put your RFID enabled credit/debit cards on the sur- eBay bans negative face and the waiter can make the bill pop up on the display. Each member feedback of the party can then simply drag the items they purchased from the bill to their card and they are then charged appropriately. A new and interesting development Intel produce chip to the Surface family is the confirma- tion that a version designed specifically with 2 billion for home is in the works. Some uses for this are fantastic. As you may or may transistors not know the Microsoft Zune allows Aww look at that, social computing. Why must companies fill their ads with lies 36 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Fun & Games [email protected] Needy McNeedy: solving woes since ‘67 in ‘Nam Introducing Felix’s latest agony aunt, Needy McNeedy. Get in touch, email her: [email protected]

o you think you’ve got seng tablets he takes to keep his hair remember to wash your hands. note and starts polishing their knuckle problems? I think you have glossy. If he hasn’t told you about this, I would also suggest joining some dusters. too. Get in touch with me at don’t ask, it’ll only embarrass him. I kind of society to liberate yourself from [email protected] suggest fake tan to hide the red patch- the confines of your degree but a) I’m Needy xxx S and I’ll beat some sense es, although don’t take medical advice not sure what society would be appro- into you provide you with expertly from me as I’ve been known to pick my priate and b) I don’t want to foist you patronising advice. Believe me, I’ve scabs and pour lemon on paper cuts. on some other unsuspecting students. Dear Needy, got lots of experience with having Work through the pain, sister. embarrassing problems. Needy xxx I think I’ve got fleas. Every morning I Needy xxx wake up with huge bites all over me, and now the people on my corridor Dear Needy, Dear Needy, are complaining that it’s happening to Dear Needy, them too. How can I get rid of them? I fancied this guy on my course for My new boyfriend has started going to ages. Finally, last week, we started I think I’ve fallen in love with my Atomic Kitten reformation gigs with Scratchy&Co going out. But, yesterday, I started lecturer. It’s the way she wears un- his bisexual housemate. He assures me coming out in red splotchy patches – ironed shirts and thick glasses. People he doesn’t swing that way but I can’t Dear Scratchy&Co, a massive rash. My housemates say have noticed me touching myself in help but wonder… I’m allergic to commitment, but I do lectures and are starting to avoid me. Ever heard the old atdage: there’s no Biology and don’t think that’s actually What can I do? RaspberryRipple fleas without a cat? You’ve got bed- possible. I asked my lecturer but he bugs, which is far worse. Interestingly, looked at me funnily. What can I do? Mr. I’msittingbehindyou Dear RaspberryRipple, bedbugs are so repulsive that at one point in their evolution, the females Embarrassed It’s not surprising you’re concerned. I all decided (en mass) “Nuhuh, I ain’t Dear Mr. I’msittingbehindyou, strongly urge you to consider dumping touchin’ that no more,” and so the males Dear Embarrassed, him; otherwise the strains of “Whole decided (en mass) that rape was the You clearly hate your degree and feel Again” may haunt you for the rest of only way forward (or the more techni- You have an STI. Go to a doctor. trapped by Imperial, thus your affecta- your life. Think strongly about how cal term: artificial insemination). Get tion for your lecturer is, in fact, a mani- much you want to be with a man who fumigated, and in the meantime, apply P.S. The rash is on my arms and legs, festation of Stockholm Syndrome. The has seen Atomic Kitten live, which Deathlac (available from your nearest not my dinkle warmer. hatred is, perhaps, a normal reaction might make the split easier if you are chemist) liberally to your bed, pillows and nothing is to be done about it. Per- one of those calm people who just get and friends. Oh. By far the most likely explanation haps you should buy a baggy sweatshirt mildly irritated by crap music rather is that you’re allergic to the 20mg Gin- to hide your stimulation, and always than somebody who hears a single Needy xxx H to the o, r, o, sizzle copes – it’s the Horoscopes

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

I am the Walrus! I Whatcha gonna do. Twentieth Century People flock to am Spartaaaaaaa! It’s a nice-a poo, Felix PRESENTS see you atop your This is war! This ahh, shuddap-a your Tower, but it all is Channel 5, I’m face. Er, Jov, firstly... A Thomas Anthony becomes far too Matthew Wright YOU CAN’T SAY Garfield Roberts overwhelming. You and you’re watching THAT and secondly, Production cut the lift cables The Wright Stuff! Make love, not war! Make the lyrics don’t go like that. Don’t make me sending it crashing to the surface of France, poverty history! I’ll take the high road and you come over there and ram my foot up your ass. Written, directed, produced and everything- killing seven people in the process. Somehow, can take the low road! I’ll take forty Benson Jeez... *SOLILOQUY* I just cannot believe my ed by Thomas Anthony Garfield Roberts and God only knows, you construct the & Hedges with that please! You can call me staff sometimes. What is an editor to do if they world’s largest fireman’s pole so that people Susan if it makes you happy! You can get bent fail to grasp the concept of neo-tangentialism can’t climb up it, but you can climb down more like! in the work place. INVERTIGO when you feel like it.

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

So, you like French I’ve just noticed This week you Rather stupidly – electro-pop do you? a trend emerging suffer from inverted you twunt – once Well I think you’re in this week’s vertigo. Standing you slide to the a bastard. You with horoscopes... they in a flat, open realm of pedestrians your boing-bing... seem to be rather field causes you to for the first time, boing-boing and influenced by tremble like a baby you realise you can’t all that jazz. What you need is a smattering television, cinema and the media. Basically, within grasping distance of a paedophile so get back up your pole. You scale the stairs of CILLIT BANG. CILLIT BANG and the I’ve got square I eyes is what I’m telling myself. you seek the nearest high point possible to which, up until this point, no-one else had FRENCH POP is GONE. HI, I’m BARRY Yet, I haven’t actually watched television cure your anxiety, which just happens to be thought about using either. The pedestrians SCOTT. I’m a SERIAL KILLER in real life properly for a good while? Hmm. Puzzling. the Eiffel Tower in France. Run with me on cotton on to this mistake in your plans and but I make a LIVING conning people into Tune in next week to see if Tomo can solve the this one, everyone knows there are loads of begin to charge up the staircase. You prepare CLEANING PENNIES with CILLIT BANG. mystery behind his affliction! fields around the Eiffel Tower. for Operation Swiss Family Robinson.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

So... Fucking Agony What’s happened At the top of the Armed to the teeth Aunt bitch-face to all the fun and Eiffel Tower you can with M16s and whore is back games at Imperial see for miles in all toxic bird shit you thinking she’s all in recent years? directions, including defend your tower that. Well, here’s When was the down below. The will all your might. the horoscopes’ last time someone thought of being Somehow you answers.... Embarrassed: FOAD – look that did anything remotely as cool as sticking dead within seconds as a result of throwing even manage to get some large tree trunks to up on the internet if you’re too retarded to up a picture of Mr T alongside the Blackett yourself over the balcony pleases you greatly. roll down the stairs, just like in Swiss Family know what it means; Sittingbehindyou: You department’s physics greats? Students: you As much as the urge to top yourself takes a Robinson. However, Godzilla appears and rips suck. Die; RaspberryRipple: Nipple more like; are implored to lighten-up and make more hold of you, you resist and become the world’s the Eiffel Tower from the ground to use as a Scratchy: Keep goin’ till you dig through bone. practical jokes. FLY MY PRETTIES. Most Vertical Squatter. baseball bat in his game with Mothra. You die. Friday 8 February 2008 felix 37 [email protected] Fun & Games

Slitherlink 1,395 1,394 solution lines between the dots to create one common place to start on a Slith- long, and most importantly, looping erlink grid is by drawing crosses line. It should have no start or finish; around any zeros. Drawing crosses 2 3 just like an elastic band. is purely done to so that you know 2 3 3 2 3 2 Each number indicates how many where there can’t possibly be a line. 3 2 3 3 lines should be drawn around it, for So, take the pattern below as an ex- example: ample. Begin by drawing crosses, 3 1 3 2 2 3 3 then by filling in some lines: 2 332 1 1 2 1 3 3 2 3 3 3 1 2 3 2 1 2 x Cells which don’t contain a number 2 2 2 2 3 2 x x 3 1 3 can be surrounded by any number of 0 3 2 1 3 3 lines. x 332 1 Remember, the line must form a The winner of Slitherlink 1,394 was loop, so the line cannot branch. The Patrick Burr who even managed to following situations are not allowed: 1 2 1 send in two solutions, although one Now the lines can only continue in was wrong. We should probably add: the following directions: 3 1 2 3 there was an error in last week’s. Sor- ry! Good luck with this one. 2 2 2 1 2 How to play: x x 0 x 3 2 2 3 2 Crudely speaking, Slitherlink is simi- Squares are not allowed either. There x lar to Minesweeper mixed with a are never cells containing the number 2 1 3 3 dash of Sudoku. 4 in Slitherlink. The object of the game is to draw So, where do you start? The most The Polygon of Ginormous Grundfuttocks

Last week’s solution: 8 - 13 words: Why did you even both- er? I mean come on, is there nothing A LEATHER between your ears, except dust...? Congratulations if you got leather! 14 - 19 words: So close. Just like that time I almost got hit by a lorry. TE Other words included: 20 plus words: Well done, you cun- aether, earth, eath, ether, haet. hale, ning linguist. Phabulous phonics! haler, halt, halter, haltere, hare, harl, T hart, hate, hater, heal, healer, hear, How to play heart, heat, heater, heel, here, hereat, hel, lath, lathe, lather, lehr, lethe, rath, Using the letters given, not more than rathe, reheat, rhea, thr, thae, thaler, once, make as many words as possible. D L thee, there, three. They must be at least four or more let- ters long and each word you come up How to rate yourself: with must include the central letter. Capitalised words, conjugated verbs E Get yourself a dic- (past tense etc), adverbs ending in Under 8 words: tionary, but don’t read it cover-to-cov- “-ly”, comparatives and superlatives are er. Just batter yourself to death with it. disallowed.

Local Rudeboy by Rayvon 38 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Fun & Games [email protected] Logic Puzzle: Staying In

Using the clues and logical deduction 2. The person who enjoyed Free Willy (Any similarities alone, work out how all the people (not the Warner Bros. version) had an to persons living involved in the match relate to each Indian included a madras. Both were or dead are purely BUSTY DE LUSTY FOOK IVANNA BOTTOMSSTORMY DEEP THROAT GOOD WILL HUMPING WILLY FREE CHITTY SHITTY BANG GANG INDIAN DONER KEBAB AND CHIPSFISH PIZZA SHAVING RYANS RYANS SHAVING PRIVATES CHINESE WENDY WHOPPERS other. The puzzle can be solved with- hot! SLUTTY MCTRAMPSTER coincidential!) out guesswork. Make use of the grid to CHRISTIAN mark the combinations that you know. 3. Phil watched his favourite actress named Slutty McTrampster. The film ASHLEY Read through each clue and make any he watched wasn’t Chitty Shitty Gang JOHN obvious or stated deductions. Find the Bang or Shaving Ryan’s Privates. corresponding row and column on the MATT grid and place a tick for ‘Yes’ in the box, 4. Busty de Lusty (who was rather well PHIL and a cross for ‘No’ in the cells next to endowed) was watched by the person this one vertically and horizontally. who tucked into a generous portion of WENDY WHOPPERS fish and chips. Last week’s solution Five Imperial males decided to have SLUTTY MCTRAMPSTER a night alone with a take-away and a 5. The person who ate pizza wasn’t BUSTY DE LUSTY Name Home Town porn video to keep them warm in the Christian, who watched Wendy Whop- Ellen Worcester cold, cold night. Can you discover the pers and her enormous assets, which IVANNA FOOK Fran Ilfracombe title of the film watched by each per- he thought jiggled rather nicely. Gina Reading STORMY BOTTOMS son, together with the meal each or- Sandra Bedford dered and the name of the lead actress 6. Whoever watched Good Will CHINESE Wendy Pocklington in the flick? Humping saw the actress Ivanna Fook, who gave a very realistic and gritty INDIAN Interview Town Day 1. Ashley watched Deep Throat, enjoy- performance. DONER KEBAB St Ives Wednesday ing it’s artistic merit (of course). The Plymouth Tuesday person who watched Shaving Ryan’s 7. John (who didn’t watch Ivanna Fook) FISH AND CHIPS Redhill Thursday Privates wasnt watching Stormy Bot- enjoyed his Chinese meal, enjoying the PIZZA Birmingham Friday toms, who had a very ample backside. view enormously (dirty boy). Tunbridge Wells Monday

Wordoku 1,395 This week’s texts: “JF - please cut your hair, you look like Ronald McDonald!” O G R L “This week was bought to you by L R the letter A, the no 5 and the no12” “Gilbert Doughterty is an Irish R K O S G cockalopadus. Love JT”

A O L “Kamaljit - willy, bum, sex.” 1,394 Solution Wordoku is identical to Sudoku; S A I we’ve just replaced numbers with “Borja, usted todavía no ha con- I N C O A S E T R letters. Once you’ve completed the 07980 148 785 testado a mis textos a Felix. Soy O M S R A T N E I C S O puzzle, there is a hidden phrase to completamente inconsolable. He E S O T C R N A I find. Email answers to sudoku. vertido mi corazón hacia fuera en C T N S R A I O E [email protected]. mis pequeños mensajes, y usted in- M R A S G cluso no ha contestado. Mis dolores S O E I N C T R A TEXT US! OR There were no entries for del corazón. Necesito lamerme O R A I R E T O S C N Wordoku 1,394 even though we WE WILL SPAY los dedos del pie, tan lentamente. O C S A I N R E T provided the clue: “Where is Conteste por favor por favor por T R I C O E A N S Felix?”. The hidden phrase was THE CAT! favor. Espero en esperanza.” O K G M N E A R S T O I C “NEARSTOIC”.

Adlib by Tevong You www.tevong.co.uk Friday 8 February 2008 felix 39 Coming round the mountain Alexander Borresen reports on the Mountaineering Club’s 2007/08 winter tour to Snowdonia

he end of the term had passed, and on the Sat- urday afternoon, after a mildly heavy Friday, five T of us gathered in the un- ion. Earlier that day Tim had passed his minibus test, which was good. It meant the trip could actually go ahead. As the bus was loaded and we were almost ready to go, we received a surprise call from Juha. Turns out we would be hav- ing some extra company on the trip. So after a quick guidebook purchase, a stop at Tesco’s and another call to learn we would be met by four more ICMC- ers who were driving down from Scot- land, we set on our way. Arriving at the hut we were expecting to be greeted by 15 rampaging fellwan- derers, but it was empty so we carried our stuff out of the bus, lit the fire and settled in for the night. Eventually the rest of the ICMC group and the fell- wanderers showed up, but there were only four of them and they weren’t ex- actly rampaging. The next day, we took advantage of the good weather to ascend Snowdon with the sky clear and the temperature dipping below zero, going up via Crib Goch to find there was actually snow at the top of Snowdon this year. Re- turning to the bottom, we had enough time for a warming hot chocolate in the café. The weather, as it turns out, would remain beautiful for the whole trip. It did, however, remain a little cold. Yet after a distinctively softcore first day, we decided not to heed the advice of our compatriots who had gone and climbed over the pass. Over some food and an indoor bouldering session in the hut, they had warned us of the extreme cold finger syndrome and general lack of warmth they had experienced. Pffff! “I can see my house from up here!” “Nah, they’re just being a bit lame”, was the initial thought of the rest of us so we decided to proceed as planned. the slab. Trickier than the other routes descended as it was turning dark, but This meant the next we got a fairly maybe, but surely it couldn’t be that there was still time for one of us to run bright start and headed over to Idwal bad. Hmmm, climbing when after a naked into the freezing lake. Slabs. These are North facing, a slight minute your fingers are merely hooks The day had left us tired, so we de- oversight. So John and Kunal set off up of numb, sensationless flesh is tricky. cided that Tuesday called for some laid in mountain boots up a fairly straight- Looking at your hand to see if your fin- back bouldering. With no need to get forward climb to make sure they could gers are actually on a hold, now that’s up early, we had a bit of a lie in, said top out the crag in time, Tim and Ari fun. Anyway, fun as that was, we de- goodbye to half our group who were made their way up a climb further right cided to make a detour onto an easier heading back to London later that day on the slab and myself, Al and Adam route after the first pitch, and a wise and then drove to Cromlwch Boulders found a VS on the left hand corner of decision I couldn’t help but think. We on the Llanberis Pass. The walk in real- ly killed us, as it was a whole 25 metres to the nearest boulder. There were a number of good little problems which kept us busy for the day. With just one days worth of climbing related activity remaining, we headed for warmer ground down in the Trem- adog area. A little crag with some good climbing and friendly conditions greet- ed us. A number of good climbs went down, including an E1 for Tim, which Maximum cool points included some good nut recovery ac- tion. The day had gone well until the very end when a small accident led to me hobbling in pain down to the bus. As we returned to the hut we re- membered that earlier in the day the water had not been working. Strangely, when we got back it still wasn’t work- ing and after searching for the problem and various calls, we discovered the toilet was still working. Diverting wa- ter from the cistern allowed us to start cooking up some food in a somewhat unconventional manner. That night the traditional ICMC win- ter tour Christmas dinner and secret Santa took place. Pork chops, roast veg and mange-tous adorned our plates, followed by some suspicious looking apple pie and custard. Beer and strange gifts followed as we used up the rest of the firewood and got set for heading Give us your best pout guys back to London the day after. They say the air up here can make you a little crazy 40 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Sport [email protected] 1st XV fight for England Saxons comes to IC win over Pompey for pre-Italy training

that was the most impressive, with Jovan Nedić Rugby the greatest play coming from Max Sports Editor BUSA Joachim and Edward Spofforth-Jones on the wing. Imperial managed to The England Saxons rugby team, oth- Portsmouth Men’s 1st 3 gain 40 metres with superb interplay erwise known as the England ‘A’ team Imperial Men’s 1st 6 between Joachim and the captain An- came to Harlington on Tuesday for a drew Jasudasen, before the Portsmouth training session before Saturday’s 2008 second row decided to put in a late Six Nations game against Italy ‘A’ in Ra- Jovan Nedić high tackle on centre Dan Godfrey and gusa, Sicily. As a treat, 8 members of Sports Editor rightly earned himself 10 minutes in the Imperial College Rugby Club were the sin-bin. Even with this advantage, invited along to take part in the train- Portsmouth have had a very good sea- Imperial were unable to optimise and ing session. son at home so far, not only have they were trailing 3 - 0 by half time. Initial the ‘luck’ 8 thought they would not lost a game at home, but they have After some stern words from the effectively be used as human tackle managed to not concede a single point. captain and the coach, Imperial went bags in an effort to improve the Sax- With such a record, the home side into the second half determined to turn ons defensive play, and this proved to were undoubtedly full of high hopes as the deficit. With a more structured at- be the case. The Imperial players were they entertained top of the table Impe- tack now showing, Imperial slowly told to attack the England team, at- IC and Saxons posing for a photo after the training session rial 1sts last Wednesday. made their way towards the Pompey tempt to disrupt the ball and generally The game started with the high tem- try line, however persistent high tack- be a nuisance where possible. Eager to po that Imperial finished with towards les and hands in rucks broke the play impress, the 8 players did exactly that the end of last term, however Pom- and Imperial were eventually awarded and in the process got valuable first pey were more than ready for the on- with a penalty in front of the posts that hand experience of what top level rug- slaught. A month and a half off over the hooker Alexander Johnstone comfort- by is actually like. Christmas period was clearly evident ably converted. The training session wasn’t without as some of the sparkle had clearly dis- Portsmouth, having conceded their it’s share of fun and games, the Sax- appeared for Imperial and Portsmouth first points at home this season, and ons’ forwards managed to persuade IC were more than ready to pounce on also having their sin-binned player flanker James Petit to hide the scrum- this window of opportunity. returned to them, picked up the ag- halfs hat, before he was politely asked Playing a very physical and forward gression in a more controlled manor. to return it by said scum-half. IC cen- -oriented game, Portsmouth continued The Pompey forwards increased the tre Alex Fergusson, however, gave the the onslaught, consistently penetrat- pick and drive around the edges of the best quote of the day, claiming that ing the edges of the rucks and mauls rucks, but the Imperial forwards were two years ago he could have out sprint- before off-loading to their large cen- more than ready for them and only ed any of the players that were at the tres who tried to break the line. Some gave away inches at a time. When this training session; a view that the Saxons great defence by Imperial was the only failed, they tried a catch and drive from team undoubtedly didn’t share. thing that stopped any tries from being the line-outs, which the forwards were 1st XV captain Andrew Jasudasen scored. But as already mentioned, the again able to contain. Eventually, Im- commented that: “After hearing of our Christmas break was evident as small perial were awarded another penalty phenomenal season so far, the Saxons mistakes were being made all over the that Johnstone converted and Imperial coach Steve Bates thought that this was pitch. At times, Imperial started to run were finally in the lead, a lead that was an opportune moment to inject fresh like crabs and failed to push forward, heavily defended until the dying sec- blood into the England squad! But on which resulted in some shoddy pass- onds, with Rob Phillips even receiving a serious note, it was a win–win situa- ing and poor attacking decisions. Even a yellow card in the last minute for his tion where our boys got to experience the line-outs, which had been a strong efforts. something new and a standard of play point, were suffering. Portsmouth A groggy start to the new term for to which we should be aiming for.” eventually got a penalty within kicking Imperial, but there are signs of great On behalf of the Imperial College distance and made Imperial pay by tak- things to come, and this will hopefully Rugby Club, this reporter would like ing a slender 3 - 0 lead. improve for next weeks game against to thank the England Saxons for this It was Imperial’s counter-attacking RUMS. opportunity. Breakfast time! IC Gabriel Ibru gets eaten by the Saxons front row Nutrition for rowers and high energy demands

Ben Richens important but the amount and timing will also give your body additional car- Energia Fitness Instructor of when you eat is a very important fac- bohydrate and electrolytes which are tor; otherwise you could end up “doing lost during exercise. You can make you Rowing demands high levels of both a Radcliffe” and having an impromptu rown sports drink by filling up a 1.5 li- endurance and power being produced toilet break off the side of the boat! tre bottle with water, adding a pinch of from nearly every main muscle in the The speed at which we digest food salt and some juice concentrate - about body. So what we eat when we are will differ for everyone, so the main a cup will do you if don’t want it to be going to row has a big impact on our thing is to find out what works for you too concentrated. performance. Lets go into a bit more and stick to it! A good guide is eat- depth about it. ing 30-45 minutes before you train. After The energy demands of a rower are Try something which isn’t going to high, so the number of meals you will be too “heavy” , e.g. fruit, yoghurt or This is quite often the most overlooked need in order to consume the amount nuts/seeds or if you have a bit more aspect, but definitely one which needs of calories your body needs for recov- time choose something with a higher to be examined to promote optimal ery and repair should be between 4 and amount of calories from carbohydrates refuelling and recovery. After train- 6. If you have the typical “London diet” as it will give your body more “fuel” to ing, the sooner you can eat the better. as I call it (no breakfast, a sandwich at burn during your session. Good exam- Carbohydrates will make up a signifi- lunch, a mound of food for dinner and ples of this are wholegrain bread with cant part of the meal but protein has the usual chocolates or crisps while The rowers and their high energy demands a healthy filling: again, the best option to be included as this crucial for repair watching Eastenders/Corrie), you’ll being something you eat regularly (the of the lean muscle that’s been working probably find that getting your boat meal before a race isn’t the time to try so hard! out to water is hard going let alone 1600 and 1900 of these calories should of lean muscle, activity level and so on. out the spicy curry your housemate A good guide to selecting carbo- the seemingly endless amount of work be from sources of carbohydrate (the So if you are in any doubt please talk has just made!). hydrates is something that has either that’s done on the Concept 2 rower! rest coming from a mixture of fat and to a member of the Ethos gym team grown from the ground or from a tree Typically, a rower will have much protein) spread throughout the day who can give you some more specific During (vegetables, cereals or grains) and with higher energy demands than someone over about 4-6 smaller meals rather advice. your selection of protein something who isn’t exercising. They will need car- than trying to cram all those calories Most people prefer to drink water that once had two eyes and could either bohydrates in particular, which should in at dinner! Before during training but with intense ses- walk, fly or swim (poultry, beef etc) the account for 55-65% of the overall calo- Differences in how many calories sions, or those lasting over 45 minutes, less processed food you have the better ries taken in. So if we take a rower who someone needs a day depends on If you train first thing in the morning, sports drinks or juices are a good idea and that means if you can’t pronounce needs 2900 calories a day, between many factors: such as gender, amount having something to eat beforehand is as this will not only re-hydrate you but the ingredients, don’t eat it! Friday 8 February 2008 felix 41 [email protected] Sport Outnumbered ladies perform in cup and league

Football Football ULU BUSA

Imperial Women’s 1st 1 Imperial Women’s 1st 0 RUMS Women’s 1st 0 Portsmuth Women’s 2nds 0

Cheryl See The second half started and IC won an early corner this time around. On Sunday, IC Women’s Football de- Chances bountiful but still the ball re- cided to follow the example set by the fused to go into the back of the RUMS men’s football team and took a team of net. RUMS had a few breaks but were eleven plus, a novelty substitute, to play unable to get past the IC backline. IC RUMS in the women’s challenge cup. finally took the lead fifteen minutes Just to make things more challenging, into the second half. their three goalkeepers were unavail- They had won a corner which Rita able and so they ended up having au- took, passing it short to Laura who ditions for a stand in during warm-up passed it back to Rita who, from the and Vivian won the honour of donning edge of the box on the backline, hit a the green jersey. stunner of a strike into the back of the The match began and RUMS won net from an angle that can only be de- an early corner as IC settled into the scribed as near zero. Karen came on in game. Their onslaught created a cou- Barbara’s place to help IC defend their ple of chances but Vivian collected the slender lead to prevent the match from ball easily on all accounts, helped by going into extra time (else they pay the a makeshift backline of Emma, Yoke, taxi driver a small fortune for waiting). Laura and Cheryl. IC began to push IC are through to the quarter finals to back with Dehydys and Rita leading the face UCL in the Women’s Challenge IC ladies after their win against RUMS in the Women’s Challenge Cup charge in midfield. Barbara and Steph Cup. provided width down the sides and Wednesday came around and saw with Chin and Pav upfront it looked as IC taking seven lovely ladies down to very defensive match. line in the back, closing down plays chance; Emma took the ball from the if IC were due a goal any time. How- Portsmouth to play the last match of It started off with Steph taking the Portsmouth tried to set up. It turned IC half down the left wing all the way ever, RUMS played in a Spartan-like the BUSA league season. With Queen ball down the right wing but she went out to be easier than expected when into the Portsmouth box on her own. phalanx with the entire team charging Mary sitting comfortable at the top of down to the ground after a Portsmouth trying to mark two opposition players The Portsmouth goalie slipped and after whichever IC player had the ball. the league, IC was in battle with the player five times her size gave her a simultaneously. was on the ground leaving their goal While IC was having a frustrating first University of Portsmouth and Brunel hefty shove. Unfortunately, no free After a string of IC attacks, painful wide open this time. Emma crossed it half, the referee was having a busy one, for second place, who were just a point kick was given but Steph ended up get- tackles and Portsmouth ballerina-like in across the face of the empty goal, but calling offences against various hair- each behind. Morale was running low ting her beef on. Skipper Emma and foul throw-ins, Portsmouth had their Pav was unfortunately unable to reach clips and bobby pins. He stopped play until the IC players were told that Pav dribbled past the Portsmouth play- chance as Emily was taken down and it in time. a couple of times and requested vari- Portsmouth could only field ten play- ers effortlessly but due to the lack of panic and confusion was widespread in IC ended the match on a high be- ous IC players to take out the felonious ers themselves. Fuelled by a desperate strikers up front, and the fact that the the IC box. They did however, fluff it, cause Brunel had lost their decid- hair accessories, finally announcing hope, IC played a 3-3 formation (true Portsmouth goalie was almost as good and Kate and Laura threw themselves ing match and so IC Women’s finish the next player found with a hair clip story) with one attacker and five natu- as Emily (IC goalie), chances were dif- in the melee and managed to clear it. A second in their BUSA league, and are would be given a yellow card. ral defenders. Needless to say it was a ficult. Laura, Kate and Cheryl held the minute from full time, IC had their best through to the play in the plate! Rugby Medicals live to fight another day

Craig Nightingale made a superb ini- Rugby Union tial break into the Swansea 22, with the BUSA Medic forwards working hard to win quick ruck ball, allowing mercurial fly- Swansea Men’s 1st 7 half Dan Neville to slip a pass to lock Imperial Medicals 1st 10 Rob Anderson to crash over from close range. Neville converted to give the Medics a 7-0 lead, which they held at Cameron Sullivan the half. In the second period, Swansea came The Imperial Medics 1st XV achieved out flying, playing an attractive brand a miraculous victory over high-flying of expansive rugby, looking to score Swansea University, keeping hopes from every possession. But the Medics alive of surviving for another year in tackling was equal to it, and forced the BUSA Prem B. A squad of just 17 play- opposition into several key turnovers ers (including two debutants and seven as they became increasingly impatient. freshers) embarked on the four hour Fly-half Neville kicked a simple coach journey down to South Wales, penalty to extend the lead to 10, after knowing that it would take a mighty good work by the Medics backs forced performance to beat a Swansea that Swansea onto the back foot. With a full had run away 47-21 winners in the pre- half hour remaining, Swansea began to vious fixture between these two sides introduce several substitutes, adding in October. size and experience in their front row. Arriving late, the Medics had just 30 At this point, the home side began to minutes on the pitch to warm up and exert their dominance at the set-piece, shake off the long drive. On a clear allowing plenty of clean ball for their but blustery day, both sides started dangerous backs. Wave after wave of the game cautiously, with tactical the Swansea attack was contained due kicking featuring heavily in the open- to more impressive defence from the ing exchanges. The medics, led from visiting Medics. Freshers Steve Jor- the front by stand-in captain Austin dan, Ed Pickles and Matt Sarvesvaran Dekker, grew in confidence as the first racked up an impressive tackle count The medics backs looking somewhat relaxed half developed, attacking with pace and between them, while the rest of the power, getting wide in ever-increasing pack worked tirelessly to repel the ma- numbers. rauding Welshmen. The final nine minutes were brutal, 10-7 victory. A remarkable perform- descended on the hallowed Reynold’s The Swansea backs, slick and skil- The Medics kept Swansea scoreless as the Medics fought to protect their ance from the Medics, and a vital win Bar in Hammersmith to celebrate de- ful, also posed a regular threat, but until the 71st minute, when sustained line, barely escaping their half for the against a very strong Swansea side, who feating the Welsh on their own turf. fantastic cover defence from both pressure and quick handling led to a remainder of the game. The referees played with great endeavour, but were This result places the Medics in a good sides kept the scores level until the try out wide, expertly converted from whistle was a welcome relief, with guilty of sloppy finishing at key mo- position for their final three BUSA bat- half hour mark. Back-row cum centre the touchline by the Swansea fly-half. the Medics holding out for a tense ments. Victorious, the Medics players tles, with survival now one step closer. 42 felix Friday 8 February 2008

Sport [email protected]

News in brief IC just miss out on finals thryn 11-3, 11-4, 11-4. Then Christina Lithuanian International Egle Adome- Table Tennis took on Sarah. Christina took time to lyte and London Metropolitan - who Ladies fencing wins BUSA settle into her first match and Sarah have Chinese International players quickly took the initiative by taking including former World no.7 Fei Ming championship Imperial Women’s 1st 4 the first game 11-7. However Christina Tong – and I’m sure will win the team Brighton Women’s 1st 0 soon found her form and used her ex- event. The Women’s fencing team had their of both matches with a win by 8 hits perience to win the next three games Unfortunately we needed to finish in second premiership tournament in this time compared to a loss of 4 on 11-4, 11-8, 11-3 and claim a 2-0 lead the top two to qualify for the quarter- Bath this weekend. After narrowly the previous occasion we had beaten Anusha Seneviratne for Imperial. Christina then beat Ka- finals. Still it is a great achievement losing to Oxford in the first tourna- Oxford and despite losing to Cam- thryn comfortably 11-5, 11-2, 11-4 to as we are in the strongest division in ment to put us in 2nd place in the bridge by 10 hits on this occasion we The BUSA individual championships seal a 3-0 lead. Finally I played Sarah the country. Yet the South West divi- league, we went to this weekend had previously beaten them by 11 so will be in a couple of weeks. We hoped who seemed prepared as she raced to a sion only have 2 teams in total who knowing a win against Oxford could with only 1 hit in it we had taken 1st our final league clash of the season with 4-0 lead in the first game but I held my automatically qualify for the quarter- still give us a chance at 1st place. place. Cambridge were unfortunate Brighton University would end our de- nerve to come back and take the first finals, now where is the fairness in After a long weekend of matches to also have lost to Oxford by only but league campaign with a flourish game 14-12. But Sarah took an 8-5 lead that! Hopefully a team will pull out so Cambridge proved victorious on 1 hit giving Oxford 2nd place and and boost our confidence. in the second game but again I played we can qualify! this occasion, but with an easy vic- Cambridge 3rd. Unfortunately Nan Luan injured her better under pressure and took the Finally I would like to thank Nan and tory over Bath and a couple of close It was an extremely close season back the previous week and could not second game 11-9. With greater confi- Christina for contributing to a great fought wins over Oxford and Bristol but to have won the premiership in play. However Christina Vajdi stepped dence I claimed the third game 11-3 to season for our team. Lets hope we can we were again in 2nd place. only our first year is fantastic, we in as a worthy substitute playing in her confirm the win for our team. improve next year. In the meantime, Combined with the previous re- are now through to the last 16 of the first match of the season. It has been a strong debut season I look forward to participating in the sults this meant there was a tie on championship with our first knock The opposing team were Kathryn for the Imperial ladies as we recorded BUSA championships with my fellow points between us, Oxford and Cam- out match in only 2 weeks against Butler and Sarah Hubbard who is my wins over Essex, King’s and Brighton club members this month and hope bridge. Taking the aggregate results Kent. Kent team mate in the County Cham- to finish 3rd in the South East division we can bring more medals back to pionships. First I comfortably beat Ka- behind Middlesex who have former Imperial! Imperial Team of the Week

ICSM Netball Women’s 2nd This week the first medicals team have been chosen as Imperials Team of the Week. The netball 2nds have had a great season winning 7 of their 9 games so far, and are justly the highest ranking medicals team in the league table. Let’s hope the girls go from strength to strength. Brighton’s Butler and Hubbard pose with Imperial’s Nan Luan, Christina Vajdi and Anusha Senevirante

Fixtures and Results in association with Sports Partnership

Friday 1st February Sunday 3rd February Volleyball Volleyball – ULU ICU Women’s 2nd 2 Football Badminton – ULU University of Essex Men’s 1st 2 University College London Mixed 2nd N/A University College London Women’s 2nd 3 London South Bank Men’s 1st 1 ICU Mixed 1st 7 ICU Men’s 1st 0 ICU Mixed 1st N/A ICU Men’s 1st 1 University College London Mixed 1st 2 Rugby Union University of Reading Men’s 1st 2 RUMS Men’s 1st 8 Basketball – ULU ICU Men’s 1st 0 Wednesday 6th February ICU Men’s 1st 18 Saturday 2nd February Royal Holloway Men’s 1st N/A Football – ULU Fencing ICU Men’s 1st N/A University of London Men’s 1st 2 ICU Men’s 4th 3 Royal Holloway Men’s 2nd 29 University of Bath Women’s 1st 60 ICU Men’s 1st 0 University College London Men’s 5th 1 ICU Men’s 2nd 7 ICU Women’s 1st 135 Football – ULU Goldsmith’s Women’s 1st 0 Water Polo ICU Men’s 5th 3 King’s Medicals Men’s 2nd 29 Football – ULU ICU Women’s 1st 4 ICU Men’s 1st 10 RUMS Men’s 2nd 4 ICU Men’s 3rd 19 ICU Men’s 1st 0 University College London 1st 3 University of London Men’s 1st 0 Hockey – ULU ICU Men’s 6th 1 ICU Men’s SESSA 1st Cancelled ICU Men’s 1st 2 RUMS Men’s 4th 1 Anglia Ruskin Men’s SESSA 1st Cancelled ICU Men’s 2nd 2 Royal Holloway Men’s 1st 4 Monday 4th February King’s College Men’s 1st 2 Basketball – ULU London School of Economics Men’s 6th 5 ICU Women’s 1st (ULU) N/A ICU Men’s 2nd 8 ICU Men’s 1st N/A ICU Men’s 7th 1 Royal Veterinary Women’s 1st (ULU) N/A St. George’s Medicals Men’s 1st 3 ICU Men’s 4th 2 Queen Mary Men’s 1st N/A ICU Men’s 3rd 0 ICU Women’s 1st 1 Saturday 9th February ICU Women’s 1st 3 Squash – ULU Royal Holloway Women’s 1st 3 Football – ULU Royal Veterinary Men’s 1st 3 Royal Holloway Women’s 1st 1 ICU Men’s 1st 5 ICU Men’s 1st vs RUMS Men’s 1st ICU Men’s 4th 3 Royal Holloway Men’s 1st 0 Hockey – ULU ICU Men’s 2nd vs Royal Holloway Men’s 2nd University College London Women’s 2nd 3 University College London Men’s 1st N/A King’s College Men’s 3rd vs ICU Men’s 5th ICU Men’s 6th 1 ICU Women’s 2nd 2 ICU Men’s 2nd 5 ICU Men’s 1st N/A ICU Men’s 7th vs ICU Men’s 6th S.O.A.S. Men’s 2nd 2 London School of Economics Men’s 4th 0 Rugby Union – ULU ICU Men’s 2nd 3 Sunday 10th February ICU Men’s 7th 5 ICU Men’s 3rd 13 ICU Men’s 3rd N/A St. Bart’s & the Royal London Men’s 2nd 0 Football – ULU King’s Medical Men’s 1st 0 Queen Mary Men’s 2nd 38 University College London Men’s 2nd N/A UCL Women’s 1st vs ICU Women’s 1st ICU Men’s 3rd N/A Water Polo Royal Holloway Women’s 1st 39 ICU Women’s 1st N/A St. George’s Medicals Men’s 2nd N/A Hockey – ULU University of Surrey Men’s 1st 2 ICU Women’s 1st 5 King’s College London Women’s 1st N/A ICU Men’s 3rd vs King’s College Men’s 2nd ICU Men’s 1st1 13 ICU Women’s 2nd vs King’s Medicals 2nd Friday 8 February 2008 felix 43 [email protected] Sport Protein powder vs meat Sports league supplements in general stack up against thermore, whey uniquely contains cer- protein rich foods such as meat, beans, tain aminos, which create a very pow- Team P W D L F A Diff % FI egg whites or dairy? The reality is that erful intracellular anti-oxidant called protein powders / supplements will glutathione. 1 IC Netball 1st 10 10 0 0 521 282 239 100 50 not build more muscle than chicken It is far easier to drink a protein shake 2 IC Tennis Women's 1st 10 9 1 0 76 23 53 90 47 or egg whites or any other whole food than to buy, prepare, cook and eat 3 IC Squash Men's 1st 9 9 0 0 45 0 45 100 45 protein - their big advantage is their poultry, fish or egg whites, particularly 4 IC Rugby Union Men's 1st 12 10 0 2 268 120 148 83 42 convenience. if you are at work or on the go. We all 5 IC Tennis Men's 2nd 10 9 0 1 74 26 48 90 41 I have always been an advocate of know that eating small, frequent meals 6 IC Fencing Women's 1st 8 7 0 1 1048 797 251 88 31 consuming whole foods as much as is the best way to eat, whether you are 7 IC Volleyball Women's 1st 6 6 0 0 17 5 12 100 30 possible. What I mean by ‘whole foods’ aiming for muscle gain or fat loss, but 8 IC Hockey Men's 1st 10 7 1 2 34 19 15 70 29 is foods that have not been altered or for many people, eating this frequently 9 ICSM Netball 2nd 9 7 0 2 289 160 129 78 27 broken down from their original, natu- is virtually impossible. 10 IC Football Men's 1st 10 4 5 1 17 7 10 40 26 ral state, or at least as little as possible Other than convenience, protein 11 IC Squash Men's 2nd 10 7 0 3 30 19 11 70 23 (e.g. whole turkey breast vs. packaged supplements offer few advantages over 12 IC Fencing Men's 2nd 6 5 0 1 761 660 101 83 21 turkey meat slices). Some great whole protein rich foods. Does that mean 13 IC Rugby Union Men's 2nd 10 5 2 3 232 162 70 50 17 food lean protein choices would be: you shouldn’t take them? Absolutely 14 IC Football Women's 1st 7 3 3 1 7 4 3 43 17 chicken/turkey breast, egg whites, fish, not. There is no doubt that a protein 15 ICSM Badm’ton Women's 1st 5 4 0 1 30 10 20 80 16 cottage cheese, tofu, legumes, extra shake is far better than grabbing a bar 16 IC Waterpolo Men's 1st 3 3 0 0 31 10 21 100 15 lean cuts of beef…etc. That being said, of chocolate or some take-away when 17 ICSM Hockey Women's 1st 9 5 1 3 54 20 34 56 15 I have been consuming whey protein you get the munchies. 18 ICSM Netball 1st 9 5 1 3 305 296 9 56 15 shakes and bars for the last 5 years. Let They are also useful for those looking 19 IC Badminton Men's 1st 10 6 0 4 47 33 14 60 14 Gil Saville me explain - it all comes down to life- to lose weight, as increased protein in- 20 IC Volleyball Men's 1st 10 6 0 4 12 9 3 60 14 Energia Fitness Instructor style. The reality is that like most peo- take (as long as you reduce your intake 21 ICSM Hockey Men's 2nd 10 6 0 4 28 24 4 60 14 ple, I have extremely busy days. When of carbs at the same time) are positive- 22 IC Lacrosse Women's 1st 8 5 0 3 78 50 28 63 13 What is the advantage of taking protein I am seeing clients for 5 to 8 hours in ly implicated in weight loss. The key to 23 ICSM Football Men's 1st 8 3 3 2 13 12 1 38 13 powder? Why can’t I just eat protein in a row, I don’t have time to slam down using them is to understand what they 24 IC Squash Men's 3rd 6 4 0 2 8 4 4 67 12 real food form? a chicken breast with sweet potatoes can and can’t do for you. 25 IC Table Tennis Women's 1st 6 4 0 2 17 11 6 67 12 As you probably already know, pro- and asparagus (I’m getting hungry just So at the end of the day, I say eat 26 IC Hockey Men's 2nd 10 5 1 4 50 23 27 50 11 teins are made up of amino acids and thinking about it!). So I grab a shake whole foods as much as possible, but 27 IC Hockey Men's 3rd 10 5 1 4 18 17 1 50 11 these are the building blocks of mus- or a bar, which gives me the right nu- when your schedule says otherwise 28 IC Netball 2nd 9 5 0 4 277 209 68 56 9 cle. For exercise/fitness purposes we trients that I need to keep my body in don’t hesitate to grab a prepared pro- 29 IC Table Tennis Men's 1st 9 5 0 4 91 62 29 56 9 need protein to repair and build mus- check. By the way, I give my busy cli- tein supplement. Also, consider shakes 30 IC Hockey Women's 1st 10 4 2 4 35 32 3 40 8 cle tissue. Adding lean sources of pro- ents the exact same advice. Most peo- and bars as an alternative snack or meal 31 IC Basketball Men's 1st 5 3 0 2 319 313 6 60 7 tein into our diet also helps augment ple end up skipping meals, which is the replacement to add variety and benefit 32 IC Rugby Union Women's 1st 3 2 0 1 79 40 39 67 6 metabolism facilitating fat burning. worst thing you can do if you want lose to your dietary regime. 33 ICSM Hockey Women's 2nd 10 3 3 4 30 42 -12 30 5 The question is whether to use sup- fat and build lean muscle tissue. Pro- 34 ICSM Hockey Men's 3rd 5 2 1 2 18 9 9 40 4 plements or whole food - which is bet- tein supplements are a “No Excuse” so- 35 IC Badminton Men's 2nd 10 4 1 5 37 43 -6 40 2 ter? As with most topics in fitness and lution for keeping up with your health 36 ICSM Hockey Men's 1st 10 4 1 5 22 35 -13 40 2 nutrition, the grey area is always larger plan. Fit Tip 37 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 3rd 9 4 0 5 202 189 13 44 0 than expected. Everyone is looking for Whey protein is now the most popu- 38 IC Fencing Men's 1st 7 3 0 4 817 798 19 43 -1 the easy one word answer, but in reality lar protein supplement, and is touted When choosing a protein powder, 39 IC Hockey Women's 2nd 10 3 2 5 13 39 -26 30 -1 it almost never exists. for having the highest biological value. make sure whey Isolate is the first 40 IC Rugby Union Men's 3rd 10 4 0 6 184 176 8 40 -4 ingredient over whey concentrate. If you listen to any bodybuilder, or This basically means that it is more 41 ICSM Hockey Women's 3rd 10 4 0 6 18 24 -6 40 -4 easily broken down by our bodies Also, make sure the protein has 42 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 1st 10 4 0 6 168 263 -95 40 -4 read any bodybuilding magazines, been processed using low heat, or protein powders and supplements are than animal or vegetable proteins, and a “cold processing” method. Iso- 43 IC Squash Women's 1st 7 2 1 4 12 16 -4 29 -4 clearly indispensable to anyone who therefore quickly provides your muscle late is a more pure source of pro- 44 IC Hockey Men's 4th 9 3 0 6 13 22 -9 33 -9 exercises regularly. So are you miss- cells with the nutrients it needs after tein and the low heat processing 45 ICSM Netball 3rd 9 3 0 6 178 223 -45 33 -9 ing out by eating a high protein diet a workout. The reason for this is that will ensure that its high qualities 46 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 2nd 12 4 0 8 191 306 -115 33 -12 instead? whey protein is higher in essential are sustained. 47 ICSM Football Men's 2nd 5 0 1 4 9 17 -8 0 -14 Unfortunately, as those magazines amino acids and BCAA (branch-chain If you’re still unsure about which 48 IC Tennis Men's 1st 10 2 1 7 36 64 -28 20 -16 are also loaded with adverts for those amino acids). It can also be a bet- protein products to look out for, 49 ICSM Badminton Men's 1st 10 2 1 7 29 51 -22 20 -16 self-same products they are endorsing, ter source of protein for those of you come and speak to one of the En- 50 IC Badminton Women's 1st 8 1 1 6 22 42 -20 13 -17 it is safe to assume that they are less wanting to lose body fat, because it is ergia team who will be happy to advise. 51 IC Football Men's 3rd 10 1 1 8 14 35 -21 10 -25 than objective. So what’s the truth? generally lower in fat and carbs then 52 IC Football Men's 2nd 10 0 1 9 11 35 -24 0 -34 How do protein powder and protein most whole food counterparts. Fur-

Crossword No. 1,395 Answers to: [email protected]

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 ACROSS DOWN 1 Roof sounds like wax? (7) 1 Cannot deal with empty, 4 Air-borne antennae (6) hypocritical talk (4) 7 Eastern vintage unusually helpful in 2 Villain in diagonal arrangement (4) 9 10 photography (8) 3 Important function (8) 10 Curate kayaked onto the rocks (6) 4 Male vagrancy back under the 11 12 Collections of reggae almost hammer (5) thrown away (12) 6 Donkey is an edgy blot on the Drum roll please... Ooooo, the win- 12 15 Ural cavern renamed in daily landscape (6) ners of last week’s crossword are... in conversation (10) 7 Encouragement of unusual famous no particular order... our regulars... the 13 14 17 My Italian part of Bohemia (3) louse (10) two and only... Di-Emma! Congratula- 19 Frostbite (3) 8 Sap candles disfigure the tions ladies. Chalk up that fifth. 15 16 17 20 His rudeness about Roxanne countrysides (10) Enoch showed indiscretion (10) 11 Spoil fairy gas (6) 18 22 Her prostates blown sky-high? 13 Victorian sentence is both confused Solution to Crossword 1,394 26 Think up a twisted, baseless and glowing (10) 19 20 R E T A I N E R I C E C A P mystery (6) 14 Professional section is not in equal E I N N A R A O 27 Amber men caught in the surface share (10) C U B I T H I S T O G R A M 21 (8) 16 Do my best to recognize off topic O I E A C S T A 28 Commission without a revolution smut (6) R E A R R A N G E S E W E D 22 23 works together (6) 18 Broad ale is unusually loveable (8) D N C N W H E 29 French angler beaten up by 21 Confuse yetis run over around E N G R A V E T R O W E L 24 25 marshall (7) motorway (6) R O I R E P 23 Get a rise out of them (5) F L U I D S F I D D L E R 26 27 24 Prepare to take off during a tax I D S O O P O inspection (4) C O C O A C O R P U L E N T 25 Lost hearing in beachside Africa (4) I O T I M Z M R C H A R I V A R I Z E B R A 28 29 L S O L C L E C RE XT ST E NT ST E WU OA GT YE RP SR UA MT Send in your sport reports: felix [email protected] sport High resolution photos only DAVE MURRAY DAVE

IC battles Saxons How many England players does it take to bring down an IC one? Six, apparently! See page 40

had only been together for 4 days. same for Imperials hockey. The rugby Although there were initial signs of clubs had a mixed season so far, with promise, the young French side were Imperial impressing and the Medicals Surrey left dead in worryingly good and are going to be a slowly finding their feet it promises serious threat in the competition. to be great match. The football club, Sunday also saw the 42nd Superbowl despite a poor season so far are fairly the water by IC in Arizona between the New England confident, so much so that they may Patriots and the New York Giants. The put out their 2nds to play the medic Patriots were expected to win this, 1sts again! moralised during the half time break. having an unbeaten season till then, Varsity is definitely going to be a Waterpolo In the second half IC picked up from Jovan Nedić but yet it seemed that the Giants just great event this year and tickets can BUSA where they left off not allowing Sur- Sports Editor wanted to win it more, and as such it be found on the union web site. Come rey to get any quality possession. In made for a very exciting 4th quarter. along, get your friends to come along Imperial 13 a strange turn of events the referee What a week it has been in sport, both In football, Fabio Capello has brought and enjoy the friendly rivalry that ex- University College London 2 stopped play after a complaint by the at college and worldwide. The six na- in some new rules to the England squad, ists between the medics and IC. observing UCL players. Imperial were tions kicked off this weekend and hoping to bring more class and style to accused of swapping hats midway things didn’t go exactly as planned. the gentleman’s game. Rumour has it Tim Keating through the game, an illegal act which Firstly Ireland were extremely disap- that he has banned mobile phones and threatened expulsion from the match. pointingly, or Italy were extremely wives/girlfriends before games and the Surrey was all that stood between the Bemused by these unfounded claims impressive depending which way you team is encouraged to use each others You may have noticed that I’ve de- Imperial water polo team and a place coach Adam Walzer consulted with look at it. The Irish, and particularly surnames at dinner, to which everyone cided to do a short of summary of the in the BUSA second round. After back the referees and play was allowed to Eddie O’Sullivan, have been under is expected to attend. In his eye’s “It is weeks sport, and if anyone is interested to back wins the team was on a high, resume. Un-phased by the stoppage pressure as of lately to perform, and all about respecting each other and be- in submitting anything interesting wanting to extend their unbeaten run. IC continued to dominate, with every even though they did beat Italy, the ing punctual is key”. The fixture wasn’t to be taken lightly player in the team getting their share performance was far from impressive. Lewis Hamilton has been upset with as Surrey came top of the South East of pool time. England against Wales was meant the Spanish at the pre-season testing at group last year and hoped for a repeat It was clear towards the end that the to be a nice easy start for England, the Circuit de Cataluña in Barcelona. performance. officials were taking pity on the tired and this seemed to be the case in the Some members of the Spanish crowd Spanish supporters at Barcelona The first minute saw Imperial score Surrey team, giving a couple of un- first half with England dominating in had coloured their faces and put on t- first, Jack Ellis finding the bottom cor- necessary fouls against IC, these de- every sense, even if replacements were shirts with Hamilton’s family written on ner from the centre forward position. cisions were contested by Adam who made earlier on that led to the debut it, whilst others just booed and insulted Surrey responded instantly with a was subsequently yellow carded. The for Lesley ‘The Volcano’ Vainikolo. Yet him. This recent abuse is believed to be poorly defended long range shot, show- final score was 13-2, showing a gutsy somehow in the second half they de- due to the rift that appeared between ing a hole in the IC defence. From that performance by the whole team. Spe- cided to stoop to a level of rugby that Hamilton and his former Spanish team moment Imperial stepped up a gear, cial praise should be given to the team’s isn’t even seen at schoolboy level and mate Alonso during last season. with the opposition only managing to newer players, all of whom held their subsequently lost to Wales. Meanwhile at college, the build up to get a couple of shots on target. Every own and displayed confidence against Sunday’s game was again a surprise, Varisty has begun, posters are appear- stolen ball in defence resulted in an IC an experienced Surrey team. after a fairly impressive performance ing all over college, with the event be- counter attack, the Surrey keeper un- A strong and confident Cambridge in the World Cup, Scotland were ex- ing billed as the ‘Big One’. The Medicals able to save a series break away goals. team wait in the next round; however, pected to perform well against a young have already had some wins over Im- This pace continued throughout the Imperial will take some beating on cur- and relatively new French side who perial in netball and hockey, with the Same lot with writing on the back first half, the Surrey team looking de- rent match winning form.