THE DUEL OBSERVER Orphaned in a Cold, Lonely World Volume VIII, Issue VII “Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself” November 17, 2006 by Ms

MATH DEPT. GRANTED LOCAL MAN INSISTS REFUGEE STATUS “BATTLESTAR GALACTICA” THE DUEL OBSERVER Orphaned in a cold, lonely world Volume VIII, Issue VII “Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself” November 17, 2006 By Ms. Stagner ‘09 BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY Student body briefly listens, gets distracted by IN NEED OF A DADDY WARBUCKS DEPT. shiny object NBA LOSING GROUND APPALLED SENIORS (HAMILTON COLLEGE) Following its recent By Mr. Leubsdorf ‘10 housing crisis, the UN has granted Hamilton’s EDWARD JAMES OLMOS OF “STAND AND TO NATIONAL BEIRUT QUESTION SELVES, Mathematics Department refugee status. Al- DELIVER” FAME DEPT. ASSOCIATION JUSTICE ready, the Math Department has been scorned (HAMILTON COLLEGE) Local nerd David The future is now Don’t know nothin’ no more by Foreign Language Department growth in Posner ’10 created a stir last Friday during By Mr. Chuff ’08, Mr. Irvin ‘09, Mr. Lee ‘07, By Mr. Lee ‘07 CJ, declared “not pretty enough” for the Sci- his impassioned speech that the Sci-Fi Chan- Mr. Messier ‘08, and Mr. Sadove ’10 RED PILL DEPT. ence Center and laughed out of Root Hall. nel’s “Battlestar Galactica”, based on a war COMMITTEES WORK DEPT. (HAMILTON COLLEGE) A dismayed handful However, a cold, lonely Math Depart- between humanity’s war with a robotic race (NEW YORK, NY) The National Beirut Asso- of seniors found themselves questioning their ment has put a brave face on its search for a named the Cylons, is the greatest show in tel- ciation announced fast gains this quarter, sur- divine right to rule the Hill following an un- foster building. evision history. passing the NBA in ratings for the first time. precedented soft showing at last week’s Sen- “They say construction will be done in “Come on people!” Posner exclaimed Created at Dartmouth in 1982, Beirut ior Pub Night. Though the Pub came to be 2010…so we expect the building by 2015,” as he fell pounding his fists in Commons. “It has grown into “America’s sweetest pastime,” full by midnight, class officers are calling the the Math Department said. “Meantime, we has robots! Robots that look like humans and Thomas Barnard, sports-historian, said. “The incident “a shocking wake-up call.” asked Café Opus if we could crash on their think God has destined them to replace us! founders combined the senseless drinking “For three years, I’ve harped about the couch. They said it was OK, for a little. We Robots!” of baseball, the pretty shot of basketball and softness of each class…especially this fresh- figure, eight years, that’s a little while, right?” He continued, “The human survivors the excitement of football. Suffice to say, they man class,” Lee Rhodes ’07 said. “Yet…it Nevertheless, the Foreign Languages are metaphors for America AND Iraq! Why were model Americans.” never occurred to me. Are we the soft ones? defended their domination of CJ. doesn’t anyone else want to see this?” National Beirut Association Commish All around campus, seniors plead be- “We divided the campus nice and fair, Posner’s rant failed to make a positive Ernest Tobin wasn’t surprised by Beirut’s stun- ing overwhelmed by work and extracurricu- ‘I Love Lucy’ style. You can find the chalk line impression on the student body. ning growth. lar responsibilities. in North Lot. We got everything East, they got “Wasn’t Edward James Olmos dead?” “Fans prefer, nay, demand a sport “So far, my thesis spans twelve vol- everything West, fair and square!” the Foreign Jessica Mayer ’07 asked, “I guess only his ca- based on hitting small cups while drunk, umes and takes two grown men to lift,” Ash- Languages replied. reer is.” as opposed to missing buckets sober,” he ley Deline ’07 explained. “My working title Many departments support the Math Joe Thrash ‘10 added, “Fridays at 9 explained. is “Lower Quality of Life Among Science Re- Department. The Art Department responded, doesn’t exactly cater to any audience with Fans agreed. searchers: Fact or Empirical Certainty?” “Look man… this is a bummer man… this is any semblance of coolness.” “Beirut is a sport for all of us not born “Ah, to be a sophomore, with no not, like, crunchie-groovy, man…” Entertainment expert W.F. Godot pro- tall, or strong, or athletically gifted, but only greater responsbility than killing a 30-rack Or, as the Government Department posed an answer. with the ability to hold our booze,” Ryan Fris every Wednesday night. Now, I’m president more eloquently stated, “This unfocused re- “Look at Battlestar’s competition. ’08 said. “It’s a sport for the common man.” of three organizations, sit on five boards and sponse to the people’s desire of the depart- See Interstellar Conflict, page 3 Meanwhile, the NBA, long considered coordinate project ‘Whatever, US News’… mental desires that clearly establish disunion the neglected red-headed step-child of na- you know, the thing where we poison Col- among the departments can only be remedied Missed an issue? Visit us on the interweb tional sports, sadly conceded the loss. NBA gate’s water,” James Western ’07 sighed. by a refocusing of desiring response by the es- http://students.hamilton.edu/duel Comments? Questions? Complaints? Recipes? Commissioner David Stern blamed the loss “Damn it! Why must I be so cool?” tablished departments.” 4 E-mail [email protected] See Ratings, page 2 See Play Hard?, page 3 1 middle school on a Wednesday in March.” LOCAL MAN INSTITUTES Continued from Ratings, page 1 GILBERT GOTTFRIED on the NBA’s marquee franchise, the New “I will not buy any more of Godfrey’s MANDATORY HAPPY HOUR COMING TO CAMPUS comedy material,” Margaret Yaple ’09 vowed. Desperate times, desperate measures York Knicks. Because Godfrey bitched out “The Knicks’ slow, agonizing suicide “I mean—he doesn’t have anything…but if he By Mr. Lee ‘07 By Mr. Mirandi ’10 and Mr. Lee ‘07 ever did do something more noteworthy than WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR has been a cry for help on behalf of the whole GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER DEPT. MTV’s I Bet You Will—I would not watch it.” NAME DEPT. league,” he said. (HAMILTON COLLEGE) To the mild dis-

(MILBANK 44) Disgusted by rumors of soft- Once again, fans agreed. appointment of the Hamilton community, Continued from Play Hard?, page 1 ness at his beloved alma-mater, Chris Felding “I keep a dictionary on my desk,” Lee comedian Godfey backed out last week’s Worse, seniors fear that they are ’07 has moved swiftly to establish a 5 o’clock Rhodes ’07 said. “Ominous: adjective. Fore- performance, pleading “strep-throat.” Repre- only part of a growing trend. Happy Hour in his Milbank suite. To bolster telling evil. E.g.; it’s ominous when it takes the sentatives for Godfrey promised to send fel- “Our freshmen year, the seniors said attendance, Felding has made the daily event Westminster Dog Show to sell out MSG.” low washed-up comedian Gilbert Gottfried we were softest class in Hamilton history. mandatory for all suite members. Fan James Withiwiez ’08 concurred. and a second-rate comedian to be named And now we think the freshmen are soft,” “The Greatest Generation held Happy “Rutger’s football is outdrawing the later as recompense. Gottfried, the hideous Hannah Verso ’07 fretted. “Soon Hamilton Hour at 5 PM sharp. They also won WW2, entire NBA. Rutgers!” he said. “Hang your voice of Iago in Disney’s Aladdin, said he students will only have the backbone of beat Joe Stalin, and put a man on the moon. head in shame, NBA. No…worse. Go crawl was excited to perform at Hamilton. delicious jello-shots!” Coincidence? I think not,” Felding said. in the deep, dark hole Isaiah Thomas dug at “You want me to perform? Come- Yet seniors vow to bravely press on. As to the mandatory requirement, Madison Square Garden and die.” dy?” Gottfried gushed. “Oh thank God! I’ve “My liver’s seen some tough semes- Felding gestured to a bag of flour ominously been dancing for nickels outside of VH1 for ters, but I’ve only got one left before I’m a labeled “enforcer flour” in crude red marker. THE DUEL OBSERVER months! Thank you so much!” respectable adult. I intend to leave it on the “The suite-mates have a choice,” he BENJAMIN RHODES LEE However, when asked what sort of field,” Stacy Williams ’07 said, gently pat- explained. “5 P.M. drinks or 5 A.M. antiqu- Editor-in-Chief/Billy Madison material he would bring, Gottfried hesitated. ting her liver. “You can make it, champ.” ing. No suite-mate of mine is bunny-rabbit RACHAEL FAYE ARNOLD “Well, I can do the thing I did on “We won’t go gently into that good soft.” Layout Editor/Vericona Vaughn VH1’s I Love Toys…you know, the thing were night! We’ll rage, rage against the dying of Felding’s threats of flour attacks have WILLIAM JOSEPH KEARNEY I make the nails on chalkboard sound un- the light!” Rhodes bellowed. “After I write been unnecessary so far, as 5 o’clock Happy Photo Editor/O’Doyle (rules) til people’s ears bleed. And then, um, gee, I this Dylan Thomas term paper, that is.” Hour mania has sweept the campus. RUNNING BEAR have…the ear bleeding thing.” “I don’t throw around the word ‘hero’ Indian-In-Chief Meanwhile, students doubt Gottfried’s Continued from Interstellar Conflict, page 4 FRANK SINATRA very often,” Harry Roy ’08, suite-mate, said. ability to mend their broken hearts like a 98 Grey’s Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes had Chairman of the Board only written two projects, Crossroads and “Christopher Montgomery Felding is a Great CONTRIBUTORS Degrees song. American Hero.” “They’re just not the same!” Sara Dav- Princess Diaries 2, and then suddenly she has Matthew George Chuff the most popular show on television. What’s “Making your way in Hamilton to- Thomas Combs Irvin enport ’09 wept. “Sure, they’re both shitty the obvious conclusion? She sold her soul to day takes everything you got,” Sara Daven- Ryan J. Messier comedians reduced to the VH1/liberal arts David Joshua Sadove Satan.” port ’09, bar-fly, added. “It’s like Cheers, only college circuit. But Godfrey...spells his name Godot concluded, “The Black Prince everyone drinks cheap gin or Utica Club.” Ashley Ann Stagner differently.” William Page Leubsdorf knows his way around a script.” Alumni rejoiced in the news. Matthew Bernard Mirandi Still more students vowed revenge. Posner, despite all odds, still was opti- “My God…then the Hamilton spirit “Dude, Godfrey is such a bitch” Cody mistic about Battlestar’s chances. lives!” Chuck Needham ’75 exclaimed hap- FINE PRINT: The Duel Observer is a publication of the Hamilton “It’s unlikely, but stranger things have College Media Board, and is published on opposing Fridays. The facts Rollins ’10 said. “I mean strep throat! Strep pily. Raising his UC, he proceeded to declare, and opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily true or throat? Are you kidding me? That’s like the happened,” he said. “If “Everybody Loves Ray- “I salute you, Hamilton College.” indicative of the staff’s opinions. Any resemblance to persons, organi- bitch excuse you use to get outta going to mond” can win 12 comedy Emmys any- 2 zations, or institutions real or imagined, is purely coincidental. thing is possible.” 3 MATH DEPT. GRANTED LOCAL MAN INSISTS REFUGEE STATUS “BATTLESTAR GALACTICA” THE DUEL OBSERVER Orphaned in a cold, lonely world Volume VIII, Issue VII “Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself” November 17, 2006 By Ms. Stagner ‘09 BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY Student body briefly listens, gets distracted by IN NEED OF A DADDY WARBUCKS DEPT. shiny object NBA LOSING GROUND APPALLED SENIORS (HAMILTON COLLEGE) Following its recent By Mr. Leubsdorf ‘10 housing crisis, the UN has granted Hamilton’s EDWARD JAMES OLMOS OF “STAND AND TO NATIONAL BEIRUT QUESTION SELVES, Mathematics Department refugee status. Al- DELIVER” FAME DEPT. ASSOCIATION JUSTICE ready, the Math Department has been scorned (HAMILTON COLLEGE) Local nerd David The future is now Don’t know nothin’ no more by Foreign Language Department growth in Posner ’10 created a stir last Friday during By Mr. Chuff ’08, Mr. Irvin ‘09, Mr. Lee ‘07, By Mr. Lee ‘07 CJ, declared “not pretty enough” for the Sci- his impassioned speech that the Sci-Fi Chan- Mr. Messier ‘08, and Mr. Sadove ’10 RED PILL DEPT. ence Center and laughed out of Root Hall. nel’s “Battlestar Galactica”, based on a war COMMITTEES WORK DEPT. (HAMILTON COLLEGE) A dismayed handful However, a cold, lonely Math Depart- between humanity’s war with a robotic race (NEW YORK, NY) The National Beirut Asso- of seniors found themselves questioning their ment has put a brave face on its search for a named the Cylons, is the greatest show in tel- ciation announced fast gains this quarter, sur- divine right to rule the Hill following an un- foster building. evision history. passing the NBA in ratings for the first time. precedented soft showing at last week’s Sen- “They say construction will be done in “Come on people!” Posner exclaimed Created at Dartmouth in 1982, Beirut ior Pub Night. Though the Pub came to be 2010…so we expect the building by 2015,” as he fell pounding his fists in Commons. “It has grown into “America’s sweetest pastime,” full by midnight, class officers are calling the the Math Department said. “Meantime, we has robots! Robots that look like humans and Thomas Barnard, sports-historian, said. “The incident “a shocking wake-up call.” asked Café Opus if we could crash on their think God has destined them to replace us! founders combined the senseless drinking “For three years, I’ve harped about the couch. They said it was OK, for a little. We Robots!” of baseball, the pretty shot of basketball and softness of each class…especially this fresh- figure, eight years, that’s a little while, right?” He continued, “The human survivors the excitement of football. Suffice to say, they man class,” Lee Rhodes ’07 said. “Yet…it Nevertheless, the Foreign Languages are metaphors for America AND Iraq! Why were model Americans.” never occurred to me. Are we the soft ones? defended their domination of CJ. doesn’t anyone else want to see this?” National Beirut Association Commish All around campus, seniors plead be- “We divided the campus nice and fair, Posner’s rant failed to make a positive Ernest Tobin wasn’t surprised by Beirut’s stun- ing overwhelmed by work and extracurricu- ‘I Love Lucy’ style. You can find the chalk line impression on the student body. ning growth. lar responsibilities. in North Lot. We got everything East, they got “Wasn’t Edward James Olmos dead?” “Fans prefer, nay, demand a sport “So far, my thesis spans twelve vol- everything West, fair and square!” the Foreign Jessica Mayer ’07 asked, “I guess only his ca- based on hitting small cups while drunk, umes and takes two grown men to lift,” Ash- Languages replied. reer is.” as opposed to missing buckets sober,” he ley Deline ’07 explained. “My working title Many departments support the Math Joe Thrash ‘10 added, “Fridays at 9 explained. is “Lower Quality of Life Among Science Re- Department. The Art Department responded, doesn’t exactly cater to any audience with Fans agreed. searchers: Fact or Empirical Certainty?” “Look man… this is a bummer man… this is any semblance of coolness.” “Beirut is a sport for all of us not born “Ah, to be a sophomore, with no not, like, crunchie-groovy, man…” Entertainment expert W.F. Godot pro- tall, or strong, or athletically gifted, but only greater responsbility than killing a 30-rack Or, as the Government Department posed an answer. with the ability to hold our booze,” Ryan Fris every Wednesday night. Now, I’m president more eloquently stated, “This unfocused re- “Look at Battlestar’s competition. ’08 said. “It’s a sport for the common man.” of three organizations, sit on five boards and sponse to the people’s desire of the depart- See Interstellar Conflict, page 3 Meanwhile, the NBA, long considered coordinate project ‘Whatever, US News’… mental desires that clearly establish disunion the neglected red-headed step-child of na- you know, the thing where we poison Col- among the departments can only be remedied Missed an issue? Visit us on the interweb tional sports, sadly conceded the loss. NBA gate’s water,” James Western ’07 sighed. by a refocusing of desiring response by the es- http://students.hamilton.edu/duel Comments? Questions? Complaints? Recipes? Commissioner David Stern blamed the loss “Damn it! Why must I be so cool?” tablished departments.” 4 E-mail [email protected] See Ratings, page 2 See Play Hard?, page 3 1