88 Volume 27, Number 2, 2017 Correspondenceto: [email protected] confinementcells. solitary 90 contains Intelligence.It of Ministry 's of of administration the under VAJA, Republic Islamic the in centre detention secret ,operatesIran, that ii exile. in presently reasons.is She i The largest, Evinprison, in Tehran, is ahuge Law, theEnemy. although citizensofIran, areunderCriminal State. Butwe aretreated assuch. We, ofIran.security We arenotgoingagainstthe We arenothreat tothenational Christians tortured. That was thereasonIwas detained. have andmany beenimprisoned have been people whohave beenaccusedofapostasy Sharia. Inthelastyear aloneabout200 under crime apostates andguiltyofaserious converted toChristianity, areconsidered me, and intoanIslamicfamily were born family.ethnically Christian People who, like constitution, inan but onlyforthoseborn minority, officiallyrecognisedintheIranian Islamic law. IbelongtotheChristian or toSharia which laws mustconform andin that hasIslamasanofficialreligion revolution Iranintoacountry that turned tolerance. agotherewas 38years anIslamic humankind, withdeepvalues ofrespectand and mostancientculturaltraditionsof of Persian civilization, andoneoftherichest more than77millioninhabitants, thecradle I comefromIran, of animmensecountry Hasti Irani Hasti (Iran) prisoners-Evin political for wing special the of 24 cell Inside Torture pain: physical without Hasti Irani is a pseudonym due to security and family family and security to due pseudonym a is Irani Hasti Section 209 of the Evin prison is an unofficial and unofficial an is prison Evin the of 209 Section Each cityinIranhasat leastoneprison.

i

Section 2 A and209 set ofbuildings that houses12,000prisoners. this text today is part ofmythis texttoday path anda ispart difficult tounderstand. Beingabletowrite deep andtoopainful. Difficulttoexplainand that itisnotpossibletospeakofit. It'stoo is torture damageofpsychological The first experience. It was simply not my time to talk. ofmymanaged torecordeven apart Protocol assessmentwas filledin. Ithardly began five agowhenanIstanbul years hastakenyears. story Rebuilding thestory detainees at EvinPrison. Rebuilding this in thewingforpolitical and tortured whowas arrested my asaperson experience torture. Iwouldpsychological liketoshare to create anenvironment bestsuitedto assessment once designedwithinternational arenotliketheothers.Prison They were courts.are religious crimes. There arenolegalguarantees. Courts ...film directors foropinion areimprisoned within it. houses many smallerdetentioncentres that in Iranfeelslikebeingalargeprison although thereislittlenewsaboutthem. Life this isonly Tehran. cityhasitsprisons, Every torture. tions ofextremepsychological And areundercondi- where politicalprisoners many toSection350, ofthemaretransferred persons. andtorture After interrogation amounting tomorethantwo hundred Prisoners, politicaldetainees, usually The wings for political prisoners inEvin The wingsforpoliticalprisoners In Iran, students, journalists, lawyers, ii housestheSpecial S E V I T C E P S R E P TORTURE Volume 27, Number 2, 2017 89 She wants you to sit on your feet and open open and feet your on sit to you wants She in myself I found finished, When this was confinement. solitary into thrown been had I The guard flung three blankets into the The steel door of the cell had a 12cm crumpled the old I stared at blankets up and down, as if you are for sale. sale. for are you if as down, and up several this Repeat possible. as far as legs your obey. Only power. no have You … times had and cold cell that filthy a very small, white walls. one 'One is for a mattress, cell and blurted, jolted I was and use one as a pillow'. on you I looked with the slamming of the cell door. like were, that the blankets around me and at The cement floor tossed into the cell. me, too carpet, filthy with a thin, covered was a small sink was There abhorrent to step on. hands and faceto wash with foul-smelling The air in the cell reeked with a stench water. if I was that I soon found out from the drain. where I could drink. that’s thirsty, had three steel bars on it that so tight hatch opened from the was when the hatch that get a thin hand even couldn’t you outside, no door handle There was through them. After you from inside on the steel door. heard its rusty it would sound of closing, shutting out un-openable except externally, contact with the world completely any if measured that cell a tiny It was outside. only 14 hand was with the breadth of my with its concrete walls hands by 11 hands, soul with their thickness. piercing your I very It was demeaning. piled on the floor. on the hard down threw them aside and sat But the hardness under me was floor. nothing compared with the mental torture the moment at From that in me. provoked I came to feel the extreme meaning of start, The slightest symbol is part of humiliation. with the type of clothes Even the process. My you. they humiliate you, they give one could so long and big that trousers were I was arrested at home and taken by three three by taken and home at arrested was I Dazed and baffled I arrived the prisonat ‘now turn left!’ right!’…‘Turn, and then the of sound the followed I Again, guards plus a driver, to Evin prison in the the in prison Evin to driver, a plus guards question: with dizzy was I Tehran. northof I traffic, heavy the In for?! What Where? Why? car the in that realises one “No thought, the to someone taking are they them beside for life her tumble to chambers destroying life.” on outlook her alter and ever, me to keep captors at yelled where one of my blindfold a filthy and shoved head down my As if coming out of a chest to put on. to my blackout I realised this is not a dream and about to see shocking things. I was that the blindfolded for the first time, Walking I extremely difficult. distance to the cells was steps in total blackness expecting to took my With every hit something or fall into a gully! this feeling of there was step in this vacuum I just ravine. a an imminent plunge down in Behind the blindfold, in darkness. walked I had a strange feeling space, this unknown for which I had no portrayal. I was handed to over another behindguard, whose sound of steps I Henow walked. stopped somewhere and rang a bell for a new Heguard. handed me and over said, yours!’ ’It’s and stopped she Somewhere footsteps. couldn’t I where, But in. go to me ordered off blindfold my take to me asked She see. myself found I undress. to had I because now cupboard. a like more - room tiny strange, a in gaping her before undress to want didn’t I I what ‘Do said, She avail. no to argued I eyes. stood just but arrived one Another you!’ tell for room no was there as looking, door the by How escape… no was There inside. her body your probes someone when loathsome personal process with my therapist that therapist that personal my process with torturers' my at me to finally look allows faces defy them. and PERSPECTIVES 90 TORTURE Volume 27, Number 2, 2017 your tongue is moving and you wish someone or, in your mind, you hang yourself. Only condemn yourself and you defend yourself, You ask the question and you answer it. You on. So, you keep talking to yourself non-stop. but the bitterness of the bad memories linger atmosphere, the sweet ones dissolve in a blink The trouble is that, in such a repulsive Some were bitter and some were sweet ones. passing before me like a non-stop movie. memories of all sizes from my childhood kept my mind not knowing what to do. All you want to scream. I was beginning to lose solitary isolation as blank as the walls, making suspended state, in absolute unknowing. Just ing. All of a sudden, they lock you in a cleverly and carefully designed for torment- during the interrogations. Everything was piece of trash – a designation I kept hearing tell you that you are nothing and worthless, a get some air in to the cell. food or toilet times and this was a big relief, to you are alive. The cell door would only open at one to say a word to you, to remind you that where there is no one to listen to you and no unbelievable cell. An existence in a tiny space you are unaware and dead in this tight and life went on outside of this grave – even when the sound of the guards’ footsteps that told me bones. Loneliness and total silence. It was only me and I could sense the pressure on my glaring white. The walls seemed to close in on cell door. My eyes were blurred from the that carpet, completely awake, gaping at the things that aretooshamefultomention… set makesupallyour belongings, plusother was thechador, veil andtheblindfold. This away controlover my steps. And then, there so large that my feet were lost in them, taking were hiddeninitssleeves. wereThe slippers that itreachedtomy kneesandmy hands fit intoitlikeasack. The blousewas solarge Everything is arranged in such a way to For several days and nights, I just froze on

you lean on the wall and try tositbut youyou leanonthewall andtry mob you andbadgeryou. your life, whetheroldandforgottenornew, the cell, that hashappened in everything hensions would blightme. Intheisolation of slammed thedoorshut, ofappre- allsorts would takeholdofme. And whenthey appear, thesenseofawildanimalincage a stretchedhandwithbowl offoodwould hazy perplexity. lose senseoftimeandspacefloat ina track ofdays andnumbers, Iwould suddenly always day. Iusedtokeep Despitethetricks intoyou thatflorescent lampsdrill itis together withtheunbrokenglareof mebacktomyself.bring confused. Iwishedtherewas asoundto being munchedupandtossedabout sack. Icouldn’t getreleasefrommy thoughts able todissectmy thoughtsoremptythe a sackandmy mindsopressedthat Iwasn’t that oven with constant drips of sweat. same winter clothes, to smoulder and melt in matched the sun itself but we had to be in the summer, the temperature inside the cell absolutely cut-offfromoutsideworld. come toacompromisewithit. can never beerased. You to canonlytry upon your soulinsuchanadverse way that demolishesyouwith yourself, andimpinges spirit. Suchlonelinessthat confrontsyou world that controlsyour body, mindand silence andutterisolation fromtheoutside speaking, itisyour thoughtsinthat terminal yourself or hear the deadly silence. even if it was to swear. You either hear would open the cell door and say something, You toliedown but you try getweary, timethecelldoorwouldEvery openand The deadeninglonelinessandsilence, upin My attention seemedsoscrunched I was jailed in winter. In the heat of the cell,I spentseveral monthsinasolitary Even whenyou arequietandnot S E V I T C E P S R E P TORTURE Volume 27, Number 2, 2017 91 How can time be spent in the cell of of cell the in spent be time can How In the mornings when the guard came to the in of just a day to tell you If I were is with the aim they do to you Whatever like. A tormenting feeling that I had even A tormenting I had even feeling that like. of to pull out I wanted identity. forgotten my insides and crush all my them throat my A perplexing and horrific feet. under my is your Time explain. feeing impossible to foe as your own become your and you enemy to confront yourself and mind forces you This is exactly the wrestle with yourself. outcome they want. off bounce thoughts Your silence? and solitude ricochet- bullet a becomes each and walls the vulner- such in you hit They you. to back ing stock-still. and silent freeze you that parts able use open the door of the cell to let me out to with a degrading look on her face, the toilet, tightly hold her nose with her she would because up, throw she wouldn’t scarf so that Just with her head, of the stench of the cell. As for me, point to me to get out. she would foul smell in with that I had been saturated of in the smell breathe for I had to the cell, I Although, drain all the time. the filthy bearingconfess that the smell of the drain filled the cell had become farthat easier than maddening isolation. the deadly, you I am sure even moment by moment, cell, a copy of the Every was day get bored. would repeating All it was, worse. but previous day, sometimes without upon words, of words just uttering as if you unconsciously thought, are still in you yourself that to convince want of the living! I must confess that, the world and humiliation this loneliness, what self-struggle did to me in this solitary cell has spirit and is too deep on my been engraved to be removed. and degrading in order to of humiliating you self-confi- take your and crushdefeat you, some- and make from you dence from you are you so that are, thing other than who you You long to be able to talk with someone, someone, with talk to able be to long You There I had become a stranger to myself. and came with a disposable plate Food and every passing dead slow Time was even for a few moments, and for your ears to to ears your for and moments, few a for even see only You silence. deadly this in voice a hear disappear and appear who guards prison the a in hand to door cell the opening robots, like or toilets the to you take or food, of plate word. single a of exchange an without shower planet. this of outside place forgotten a is Here I wall. the on knock to allowed even not I’m isolation. utter this in all it losing am things in life outside that little so many were had now that I used to pass by indifferently, I wished I become deeply desirable for me. of the time, to count the passing had a watch become shorter!perhaps the seconds would I wished I had a mirror to remember myself. hide one spoon for each day I would spoon. hide one I would seven, and when there was to count a week. mattress spoon under my my looking under I was But one day, I have why said, and in amazement mattress collected such a lot of spoons?! I thought I had The forgetfulness that going mad. was come to me due to the loneliness of the cell As though I was me an odd sense. gave of unknown, thrashing about in a swamp lungs with stinking water. filling up my After a moment stretched into a century. I how No matter forget everything. while you I could not even brain, tried with my appearance used to be my remember what get fed up. You fall asleep, but how much can how but fall asleep, You get fed up. you get up and march where You one sleep? sit until you 2000 to 5000, 1000, stand, but again to start down more, from zero once can How end. without time keeps stretching, keep time with an imaginaryyou clock without the arms? Every a moment begets thousand feet and every foot a thousand giant like a monstrous centipede branches, crush soul to your it. all over walking PERSPECTIVES 92 TORTURE Volume 27, Number 2, 2017 made himself comfortable between mymade himselfcomfortable legs But words weren’t enoughandnow hehad words.resumes hisquestioningwithdirty tion anddenigration. The interrogator questions. All thesameprocessofhumilia- Endless questionsincircles. Nonsense lift my me. blindfoldslightlytofrighten on me,is abouttoperform heallows meto thewall.facing Perhaps fortheshow that he follow theguard. Now Iamsittingon achair walk, theyshoutat you tocome. tough, you getdrainedfromwithin. you don’t want toshow weak yourself but strong, you getmorehurt. Because, while gleeful, bestrong! However, whenyou are show weakness that would makethem continually tellmyself topersevere, don’t my backpainsearedacrossmy body. Iwould shakingand untilyour kneesstart for hours times ofstandingblindfolded, thewall facing sessionsinvolvednotice ofme!Interrogation andnoonehastakenanyinterrogation waiting thewall the forhours and facing ready!' But, thenIhave tostandblind-folded cross-examination (interrogation), quick! Get You onlyknow thembytheirfaces. even guardshave theprison bogusnames. isknowninterrogator byapseudonameand name. I, asaprisoner, amjustanumber. The withfear.would cringe Here, noonehasa would hearsoundsofscreaming, andI when you wouldn’t even hearafootstep, I of my thoughtswouldn’t devour my brain. occupy mesothat theassaultoftermites with therealmsofdeath. Icraved anacheto you you ageasthesilenceofyour celltethers ofyour dreamsand bit byintotheterrain hundred days andmore. Your melt yearnings not beabletolocate self. your true So, wobble withabizarre andstifflegs, I Right whenthereisnomorestrengthto guardcallsme:The prison 'You have thenights,During inthefixed silence, Time doesn’t move. seemsa Everyday

with pain, rather than for those degrading returned to that stinking cell, I could agonize silence were at me. staring blanket. Then outagain, but thewalls and alive.buried Isankmy headunderthe couldn’t tellwhereIwas. Ibelieved Iwas shaking andmy teethwere clattering. I escape. There were walls everywhere. Iwas suddenly cameback. Butnow therewas no Ihadalmostforgottenthat experience hood’s worst nightmaresvividly, atraumatic brought backtomy mindoneofmy child- from themaddeningscreamofthisman. and to be embraced so that I could get away mother’s to arms hide my head in her bosom head. Like a little child, I longed for my reverberation of his shouts kept ringing in my When they threw me back into my cell, the spinning around myself, not finding the door. yelled at me: 'Get lost out of the room!' I kept get the answer he was looking for from me, he ‘I willcontinuethisuntilyou answer’. tellme: meand,ridicule grin withhisgrimy even amove onthechair. Hewould then a dotonthepaper. There was noescape, not jammed inmy andwas motionlesson fingers could feelmy frame. icy The penhad relationship! sexual imaginary illustrated thisabhorrent how Ienjoyedme toaffirm theway he he willdonext. andIdon'tknow whatmouth isseverely dry breath onme. isabout tostop. Myheart My eyes bloodredandIfeeltheheat ofhis of my father, becomesredhot, hisface his sexual relationship between meandafriend looks. animaginary While heisdescribing how hewants todevour mewithhisfilthy myand Icanseefromunderneath blindfold I wanted him to hit me, so that, when I cell,In thissolitary hisscreaming When the assistant prosecutor couldn’t My bodyonthechairhadfrozenandI time,Every session, inevery hewanted S E V I T C E P S R E P TORTURE Volume 27, Number 2, 2017 93 You are troubled even with the thought with are troubled even You my losing am I myself. recognize not do I the interrogators resort times, at to Then, loneliness, of space cold the in later, And, The Loneliness and loneliness again. want. They want you to face only the on- the only face to you want They want. bewildering and futile your of slaught that in degradation with mixed thoughts cell. the of muteness and loneliness deadening forget space, and time lose to you want They be delusion and distress in and, identity your again. and again interrogator the face to ready delusive of hell this in you place They yourself. destroy can you that so thoughts to be free from such a wanting of suicide, to anything But there isn’t blight of torment. to release yourself of this regurgi- how show wish someone would You of mind. tation come to have ‘we open the cell door and say, would I wished they to be hanged’. take you finish it all before I became a total lunatic my destroy delusions would and before my further. mind any hear only I silence, stifling this In identity. for long I what but talking, and talking myself this from me liberate can that voice another is reality. and illusions between suspended state rape to degrade completely and destroy you It is when a to the limit. by pushing you you prisoner act has no means of blocking this is lead like a sheep to the and the woman is forced to she that defenceless, slaughter, give in to such violation. repeated. and repeated, getting keeps act this bury you teeth, your crunch you scream, You to shout and blanket filthy the in head your it’s But awareness. your of out sewage this get sheer of out off doze you if Even futile. come. will vivid, more nightmares, exhaustion, in a Floating loneliness. white jail cell of your The air in the cell was confusion. weightless as if the walls and unbearable, suffocating grabbing essence from my were themselves pressing on The ceiling was inside to devour. The real torture begins after the interro- you physically, tortured are you When gation, when you are alone in the cell, when are alone in the cell, when you gation, as if in a steel walls, and the four there is you On eyes. with an intense light in your vault everything they did to you that own, your this film is being Curiously, rushes back. You turn face. you your way whichever shown can see the pictures you but eyes, close your devour The cell walls and hear the echoes. to want don’t You blindfold. I put on my me. that those obscene words and, see anything to the bottom of shame and drag you churn ears, all and singe your humiliation As if yourself. hate You emotions. your hear You someone is crumpling heart. your In my and flatlining. down slowing its beats times to the head several I bang my vexation, of the cell. concrete wall doesn’t It bear. and in indulge to pain have useless your in wallow to time you give pain your with live to learn you and thoughts and time some after recede They somehow. one and disappear gradually traces their they what not that’s But normal. to returns thoughts they had imputed on me to return to me on imputed had they thoughts of loneliness and silence the in head my to might it odd be, would pain Physical cell. that don’t why me, “Hit said, I So, relief. a seem, a and look sneering a With me?” hit you “We said: interrogator the smile mocking his remembering even – here” that do don’t cell. the in me tormented that grinsaying by ask people when part is painful most The and prison?' in you beat also they 'Did you, it's oh, say they negative, is answer the when how But harm you!!! didn’t they that good so such received has soul my that them tell I can and stitches injuries, of full is it that beating a people but unseen… albeit infections, deep Physical see. can they what only believe what to compared minor are punishments in slap a spirit, your to do systematically they punch. a or kick a face, the PERSPECTIVES 94 TORTURE Volume 27, Number 2, 2017 utter seclusionandimagesare sopenetrative loneliness of theconfinement.enduring The you flashing, tothe dragging pictures start at night, thescreenrollsopenand thoughts becomeabithazy, but whenalone the presenceofotherpeople, maybe these mind. That’s humiliation. theday in During images that willnever leave aprisoner’s with thethingstheysay toyou, searing they do. And theysometimescommitrape sharing her loneliness with me. guessed that someone else in that cell was came to my lips out of this little knock. I knocks! In all my brokenness, a faint smile knocking to her, so she answered me with two frustration. The next-door cell thought I was and I banged my head to the wall in ultimate cuted to the maximum, I returned to the cell maybe theywere justinmy imagination! the filthy carpet, blanketsorthegrimy or see. Maybe lights, itwas fromthosebright get moretenseasIdidn’t have to amirror neck. Maybe onmy also, face andIwould brown spotsspreadallover my handsand more colourfultofoolthebuyers. Ihadgot tomakeitlookbiggeror light ontheirfruit wanted toshine market wherethesellers I hadknown thesetypesoflampsinthe ball andthrow ituptothem, but tonoeffect. lamps, Iwould foldmy Islamicscarfintoa eyes totwitchandgoblank. To offthe turn thantheyactuallywere,brightly causingmy never went out, sothewalls shonemore hemmed inbywalls inthisstiflinghush. on. Total loneliness. Iseemedtobetoiling, I couldn’t tellwhereIwas orwhat was going myprojected outofthewalls bones. tocrush ing my spirit. had Itwas likeahundredarms my directionandbombard- brainfromevery ofthoughtsallshapescomingat barrage my face, asiftosmotherme. There was a They sometimescommitrapewithwhat One day when, after I had been perse- The whitelightsontheceilingofcell

you know, because anditisahiddentorment ofyourIn fact, being. theybecomepart tangible, thewholeofyour mind. permeate nightmares andgive you insomniaare images andimpressionsthat becomeyour years, nofullremedyforthat untilnow. The two spaces. the outsideworld. You arehungbetween the norareyou of longer belongtotheprison you becomesuspendedinnowhere. You no suddenly thrown outover thosehighwalls, unspeakable things. Then, whenyou get debasement, delusionsandathousandother atwas me. staring not recognizethewoman who inthemirror room whereIhadbeenhospitalized, Icould saw myself oftheisolation inthemirror ofyour dearones.forget thefaces When I andphantoms.that multitudeoffacts way, you won’t in beabletofindyourself the realworld andwhat you used tobe. This illusions, todistant you andremove you from thoughtsand in ordertotrapyou intrite this, littledetailhasbeensoplanned, every eventually comestodestroy you. Even in that hopeinanticipation that you believed in no onecomestoopenyour celldoor and long.feel 100-years Nightsanddays passbut hopes. Buttherefollows many nightsthat withathousand make ittothemorning tomorrow. So, inthat prolongednight, you lunatics arechanting. insideyou,churning asifthousandsof or feels. Then you areleftwithvoices acute pain. A silentscreamthat noonehears screamsoutof delusions that thewholespirit being alone, drowns you insuchdeep be removed from your soul. This tiny cellof that, likeinhardenedcement, theycannever You areleftwiththenewyou whomonly Insomnia follows mesincetorture. After isalawlessPrison city, fullofinsults, Gradually andbitbybit, to you begin They comeandsay, you’ll bereleased S E V I T C E P S R E P TORTURE Volume 27, Number 2, 2017 95 It is enough for a scent, a familiar face, a familiar face, It is enough for a scent, These are the scars the scars of torture, the surroundings of a room or something back to the dark atmosphere to hurl you said, My soul is filled with of the persecuting cell. will time of passage the even that impressions not be able to fade. of psychological torture. others don’t understand you. You have left have You understandothers you. don’t parts personality of your and character come out with an behind those bars and have values Your disposition. altered mentality and Now, world. changed and so has your have feel you people, in a room with twenty even Just the fact they that alone and in exile. These are understand is loneliness. don’t you of the soul sealed into your the wounds go sometimes you night, Especially at being. comes back The humiliation back to the cell. stop condemning yourself and can’t and you stop talking, don’t you interrogators, your fall you asleep. unless moment, a for even not PERSPECTIVES