MOVING SALE a play in two acts by
Eric Sterbenk
184 East 4th Street Corning, NY 14830 [email protected] 607-368-1476 CHARACTERS
JOE Wants to be something, but can’t keep a job. Early 30’s. Married to Sarah.
SARAH Accountant. Very practical. But wasn’t always. Married to Joe.
CYNTHIA Joe’s mother. Sarah’s Mother-in-law.
SETTING
Coconut Grove, Florida, around 2002. The scruffy front lawn of a old grove bungalow. The house, painted pink, is surrounded by foliage natural to south Florida — coconut trees, palm trees, palmettos, avocado trees.
CAST I’ve designed the play so that it can be done with a cast of five - two men, three women:
Actor 1 (female, late 20’s): Sarah
Actor 2 (male, late 20’s): Joe
Actor 3 (female, 50’s): Doris, Cynthia, Susannah
Actor 4 (male, 30 - 40): Old man, Agent Bob, Nick, Guy with Stroller, Star Wars Fan
Actor 5 (female, early 20’s): Shannon, Honey, Girl
DESIGN
Much of the play centers around the emotional connection we have with THINGS, and I would encourage the designers to engage the audience in this dialogue - having a moving sale in the lobby, putting things out in the house that are for sale, allowing the audience to buy pieces of the moving sale to take home, bring a piece to add to the sale for a discount on your ticket.
The setting of this piece was inspired by my own moving sale, in Florida, much as described above. As the day wore on, I felt like I was in a play, with a crazy cast of characters moving through my stage. Find a way to engage the audience in such a way so that they become the customers of the moving sale, creating that ambience, that sense of community that comes from sitting on your front yard and chatting with your neighbors about the stuff, both emotional and material, in your life. 2.
BEFORE THE PLAY STARTS
Joe and Sarah come out of the house, carrying a long folding table. They set up the table on the front lawn of the house, and start bringing things out from the house — a futon, a couple of old bikes, a bag of tennis balls, garden boots, an old full-length mirror, a large print in a frame, a box of books, a box of clothes, etc. There should be items from several decades there: a lavalamp, a poster of Farrah Fawcett, a David Cassidy lunchbox, a Rubiks Cube, comic books, an Atari video game set.
As they are doing this, an old man on a bicycle keeps coming by and asking them if they're ready — they say not until 8:00.
Sarah starts putting little red price stickers on the stuff. Joe comes out of the house with a bunch of hand-made signs and a roll of tape in his hand. He goes out into the audience and tapes the signs up on the walls, putting one up in the lobby as well. Returning to the stage, he tapes the last sign to the front of the table. It says "Moving Sale."
The house lights dim and the play begins. 3.
ACT ONE
Sarah is still putting prices on little red stickers, marking the items on the table. Joe, having accomplished his task, stands and watches her, doing nothing.
JOE It's hot.
SARAH It's not the heat, it's the...
JOE ...humidity. Right. Fine. It's humid, then. And hot. Need some help?
SARAH I got it.
JOE No, really, I don’t have anything to do.
SARAH Really, I got it.
JOE You just don’t trust me to put the right price on things.
SARAH (he’s totally right) That’s not it at all.
JOE It’s hot.
SARAH You said that already.
JOE (looking at the futon) I still don’t think we should get rid of this.
SARAH We’ve been OVER this. We’ve only got so much room in the truck, in our new place. We have to get rid of a few things, lighten the load, you know?
JOE I know, I know. Still... 4.
SARAH Joe...Did you bring the thing?
JOE I have absolutely NO idea what you’re talking about.
SARAH I’ll get it.
Sarah exits. Joe stands there, looking around. Nothing to do. Glances at the house, looking to see if Sarah is coming out...no. Pulls out cell phone, hits a few keys, holds it up to his ear. Looks back at the house again.
JOE (urgent, under his breath) C’mon...
He listens. for a beat, then...
JOE Hi! This is Joe Walker, following up from last week. I just wanted to thank you again for the opportunity to interview, and please let me know if you have any questions. Also, I was wondering if you could tell me the timeframe for a decision? Thanks again.
The old man with the bicycle walks up.
OLD MAN You open yet?
JOE We just...
OLD MAN Because the people down the street, they've been open for a half hour already.
JOE We're open.
OLD MAN Well, it's about time. It's not like I have all day, you know.
JOE Sorry.
The old man looks at the stuff, picking different things up, completely unrelated. 5.
Joe watches him, silently. Doesn’t know what to do, say. Awkward beat. Old man rifles through a stack of sheets.
JOE Gonna be hot today.
OLD MAN Yup.
JOE You know what they say, it's not the heat...
Beat.
Joe waits for the old man to finish his sentence.
OLD MAN Well?
JOE What?
OLD MAN What do they say?
JOE Humidity. It's the humidity. It's not the heat, it's the humidity.
OLD MAN Oh. How much do you want for these?
He holds up a plastic bag full of old tennis balls.
JOE I'm not sure...
Sarah comes out of the house, with a stack of old baseball hats and large glass baking dish, brand new in the box, in her hands.
JOE SARAH Fifty cents? Five dollars!
Awkward pause. Sarah and Joe look at each other.
OLD MAN Well, which is it? 6.
Joe looks at Sarah. Sarah doesn’t hesitate.
SARAH Five dollars.
OLD MAN I'll give you a dollar.
SARAH Three dollars.
OLD MAN Two.
SARAH Fine.
The old man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a wad of cash. He peels off two dollars, gives it to her, puts the balls in the basket of his bicycle, rides away.
SARAH (can’t believe him) Fifty cents.
JOE They were old tennis balls! And did you see that guy?
SARAH I saw the roll of cash he had.
JOE Probably all he has to live on.
SARAH I don't think so.
She heads upstage, toward the house. Joe follows her, not knowing where she’s going.
JOE Why?
They disappear inside the house for a moment, then reappear carrying an old dresser out of the house. It’s the kind that you see at “antique” stores, or flea markets. There must have been a million of them built at one time. 7.
They all look alike, and look like, if you spent the time to refinish one of them, you’d have an ANTIQUE.
SARAH I think he owns a big used goods store down on Ponce.
JOE And he rides around on a bicycle because...
SARAH This is Miami. People don’t need reasons to be weird.
JOE Right.
They put the dresser down next to the table. Joe takes a look at it, while Sarah goes back to the garage for cleaning supplies to clean it up.
JOE We’re never going to sell this. No one’s going to buy this.
SARAH Sure they are.
JOE It’s stained...
SARAH Yes.
JOE The drawers stick.
Sarah starts cleaning it, almost lovingly.
SARAH Yes.
Joe sniffs it.
JOE And it smells.
SARAH It doesn’t smell.
JOE (sniffing) Mmmm...Eau de mold, I think. 8.
SARAH That’s just the way these things smell.
JOE This is never going to sell.
SARAH Sure it will.
JOE How can you be so sure?
SARAH Because I bought it.
JOE You did? I thought...I don’t know, somehow I thought it was just part of the garage.
SARAH I bought it right after we bought the house.
JOE But...it’s old.
SARAH And stained. And the drawers stick.
JOE Where’d you get it?
SARAH Don’t you remember? A moving sale. In the gables. Before the gables was the Gables, you know?
JOE (remembering) You were going to fix it up.
SARAH You were going to help me.
JOE You’re never going to sell it.
SARAH Sure I will. I bought it, remember.
JOE But... 9.
SARAH This isn’t just a dresser. We had just moved into the house, couldn’t afford any furniture. Our clothes were all on bookshelves, hangers, the floor. I was walking by and saw this...and thought, you know, with a little spit and polish, we could have the start of a real bedroom.
JOE This dresser.
SARAH It’s not just a dresser. It wasn’t just a dresser. I was dreaming. I wanted a real house, a real life. I thought...you know, that this might be a start towards that. Something we could afford. A dream.
JOE And...it sat in the garage for three years.
SARAH You were going to help me. And then I started at Snavely and Rivera. Kinda didn’t have time.
JOE So someone else is going to buy this now.
SARAH I think so. I hope so. You know? For the same reason I did?
JOE People come to moving sales for cheap stuff.
SARAH Cheap stuff and dreams, Joe. Cheap stuff and dreams. Someone will buy this. I know it.
Sarah still cleaning the dresser, Joe grabs the stickers, starts labelling things. Sees the lobster mitts.
JOE You can’t put these out.
SARAH Why not?
JOE Mom gave these to you.
SARAH I know. Trust me. I know. 10.
JOE You know she’s coming by today.
SARAH I thought you said you...
JOE She can’t NOT come by. You know her. And if she sees these...
SARAH She won’t remember.
JOE (talking with lobster mitt hand) Fine. It’s your funeral.
A beat. Joe looks around some more. Nothing to do. Sarah looks at him.
SARAH Did you finish packing the stuff on the back porch?
JOE ....no. (unenthusiastically) I could do it now.
SARAH Yes, yes you could.
JOE (hopeful) Unless you need me out here..?
SARAH Because we have SO many people out here...
JOE Fine...
Joe exits.
A beat, Sarah busies herself putting more prices on things...
Neighbor Shannon enters. Thin, late 30’s, hippyish. Carrying a plastic bag in one hand and what looks like a packed up tent in the other — it’s a “pack&play”, a portable crib that you can set up and break down as needed. 11.
Sarah notices her struggling and comes over to help...
SHANNON Thanks again for letting me put some stuff out...you’re sure it’s not a bother?
SARAH It’s fine! Here, let me clear some room...
Shannon puts the “pack&play” down. Sarah makes room on the table, and Shannon starts taking clothes out of the bag, putting them on the table, folding as she goes.
SARAH (picking up a pair of tiny jeans) I can’t believe Jeffrey ever fit in these.
SHANNON I love moving sales. I mean, I’ve been to your house, so...I kinda know some of this stuff, but other people...it’s fun to snoop, you know?
SARAH Ever been to an estate sale?
SHANNON Yes. I feel guilty, but it’s like seeing their whole life, you know? The old pictures, the books, the weird curtains, the board games.
SARAH Sad, in a way. But fun.
SHANNON What’s with all the baking stuff?
SARAH Joe went through a phase where he was going to be a baker. He was quite passionate about it, for a bit.
Sarah moves over to the pack&play. Studies it, tries to open it.
SHANNON I don’t remember that.
SARAH It was before we moved here. Before I got the job at the college..
SHANNON Joe seems to have...tried a bunch of careers. 12.
Sarah can’t find where it opens, turns it over. Nothing there either.
SARAH Yes.
SHANNON Can’t be easy supporting that.
SARAH He’s...well, he’s just so excited about things, when he starts out.
SHANNON I bet.
SARAH I think we’re done with that, now. He’s out of law school, and has been studying for the bar up in New Hampshire. He’s going to take it next week, actually. Right after we move.
SHANNON That’s great news. That’s great.
SARAH Yeah, great. It’s great. I’m proud of him, you know?
With a bit of difficulty, she picks the whole thing up, upside down. Before she can catch it, the whole thing slides out of its case..and smashes onto her foot.
SARAH (it really hurts) OW. ow, ow, ow, ow.
SHANNON (concerned) Omigod, you ok?
SARAH (not really fine) Fine, I’m fine...
SHANNON Just leave it, I’ll set it up in a sec.
SARAH No, no, I can get this.
Sarah limps around a bit, walking off the pain. 13.
SHANNON You sure you’re ok?
SARAH I’ll be fine, just need to walk it out a bit.
An awkward beat. Sarah walks around a bit. Shannon turns to look around at stuff, so she doesn’t stare at Sarah trying to ignore the pain...and discovers a black leather jacket, a biker jacket, worn from overuse.
SHANNON (holding it up) Wait, is this yours?
SARAH Yeah...remember the 80’s? I went through a punk phase.
Out of its case, the pack&play is still a challenge. Sarah studies it, finds some velcro straps, undoes them.
SHANNON You? You’re kidding.
SARAH Yup. I think that’s all that’s left. Had the fishnet stockings, even shaved my head at one point...
SHANNON Remember when Madonna was a little punk?
SARAH I was a huge Madonna fan. At least for the first album. I think...there might even be the cassette of the Like A Virgin album around here somewhere...
SHANNON Really, a cassette! How retro...
Sarah gets the final outer shell removed...revealing something that looks like a bunch of spider legs folded in on themselves, with no indication of up or down....
Sarah straightens one of the spider legs, only to have the rest jump in the opposite direction... 14.
She grabs the wayward legs with one hand, trying to control the rest of them with her other hand...
Sarah puts a foot on one of the crib’s legs, then tries to pull apart the other parts of the crib with both hands...
Sarah, precariously balanced on one foot, topples over on top of the whole thing. Shannon doesn’t notice.
Shannon, meanwhile, has found the Madonna tape.
SHANNON Here it is! This is awesome! Now if you only had a walkman....
SARAH (referring to the crib) I don’t think I can get this.
SHANNON Here...
Shannon walks over, pulls each side of the crib straight in sequence, pushes down on the middle, and then puts the bottom into the crib...all in one swift series of motions.
SARAH It’s in really good condition.
SHANNON We never used it. I mean, we got two when we had Jeffrey. The other one we used a bunch, but this one...are you...I mean, you guys are planning...
SARAH ...to have kids?
SHANNON Yes. I mean, I hate to ask, it’s a little personal, you know, people these days...
SARAH No, that’s why we’re moving. Or one of the reasons. I mean, yes, we are planning to have kids. I’m planning on having kids.
Joe pokes his head of the door.
JOE Hey, where’s the packing tape?
SHANNON Hello, Joe. 15.
JOE Hello, Shannon.
An awkward beat, again. No love lost here.
SARAH Shannon brought some stuff over to sell.
JOE To sell? Aren’t we...I mean, that’s great!
Joe disappears again.
SHANNON (turns to Sarah) I should go, Jeffrey’s probably done watching Bob the Builder.
SARAH Give him a hug for me.
SHANNON Will do. And don’t leave without saying goodbye! We need your new address.
SARAH We won’t.
Shannon leaves. Joe immediately pops his head back out of the door, watches her leave...and then comes back out to join Sarah.
JOE She doesn’t like me.
SARAH (picking up a lava lamp) No. You guys...it’s just a thing.
A man in sweat pants and a t-shirt that says “Come to the Dark Side...we have cookies” on it next to a picture of Darth Vader enters, begins to browse.
JOE (to Star Wars Fan) Good Morning!
Star Wars Fan has moved behind the table and picked up one of the LP’s. — an actual record, an LP, of the original soundtrack to Star Wars. 16.
STAR WARS FAN (to Sarah) What is the price of this item?
JOE (taking it from him) Where did you get that?
STAR WARS FAN Right here. Under the table.
JOE (to Star Trek Fan) These aren’t supposed to be out here. (to Sarah, picking up the entire box of records) These aren’t supposed to be out here.
SARAH We don’t even have a turntable.
STAR WARS FAN I will give you thirty dollars for it. SARAH JOE Really? Really?
STAR WARS FAN Really. It is in near mint condition.
JOE (to Sarah) See! It’s in near mint condition.
SARAH We’ve lugged that box in and out of the last five places we’ve lived.
JOE So?
SARAH So...we’re moving on, moving up...we don’t have a ton of room in the new place.
JOE Give me a break. We have room for one little box. (to Star Wars Fan) Thirty bucks, really?
STAR WARS FAN I am a big fan. 17.
JOE Yeah, me too. You see it when it came out?
STAR WARS FAN The line was easily two hundred people deep. I stood in line with my cousin for two hours. He told me we were going to a special double feature — really, we just stayed in our seats and watched it twice in a row. What a scoundrel.
JOE Uh, yeah. Cool. What’d you think of Phantom Menace?
STAR WARS FAN While I hesitate to malign the work of Mr. Lucas, really, it sucked. Bad.
JOE Yeah. Too bad, really.
STAR WARS FAN Yes, too bad. So...are you going to part with the item?
JOE Would you?
STAR WARS FAN Are you kidding?
JOE Yeah, me either.
STAR WARS FAN (serious, hands him a card) Here is my card. I run a comic book store in the design district, should you change your mind. May the force be with you.
JOE You too!
Star Wars Fan leaves.
SARAH See!
JOE I see that I’m glad I found these before you got rid of them.
SARAH No, what I mean is, do you want to be that guy? 18.
JOE Really, do you think I’m like that?
SARAH That’s the kind of guy who keeps all of his records from when he was a kid.
JOE Give me a break.
SARAH What are the other records in the box? What else is in there? Do you even know?
JOE Uhhh....
Joe goes to look in the box.
SARAH Nonono! No looking.
JOE Uhhh...REM?
SARAH Which album?
JOE ...I don’t know.
Enter Doris - lots of jewelry, well-coiffed short tight perm, running suit. She starts looking at things.
SARAH See! You can’t even remember. You’re never going to listen to those. They’re going to sit in this same musty box until you die, and then I’ll throw them away.
JOE Nice.
She takes the box, starts going through it.
SARAH Let’s see...the original Grease soundtrack, Billy Idol, Lady and the Tramp, Frosty the Snowman, the Cure, The Smiths...hey, this is mine!
JOE You were going to throw it away. 19.
SARAH Seriously, we’re never going to listen to these again. You didn’t even know what was in here.
JOE That’s the point. These help me remember when I listened to them the first time.
Doris, the old lady, goes behind the table, heads toward the front door. Sarah turns to her as Joe is saying his last line.
SARAH Excuse me? Can I help you?
Doris ignores her.
SARAH (louder) EXCUSE ME!
Doris turns and looks at her, surprised.
DORIS Yes dear?
SARAH Where are you going?
DORIS I’m going inside. You do have more things inside, don't you?
SARAH No.
DORIS But the sign said....
SARAH Sorry, no, there's nothing inside.
DORIS But it says moving sale.
SARAH There’s nothing inside. Sorry.
Doris turns back to the tables. Sarah turns to find Joe still standing there, box of LP’s in his hand. 20.
Agent Bob enters. Sarah doesn’t see him. He’s white, slicked back hair, maybe even a little ponytail. Khakis, shirt and tie. The kind of guy who, even on this incredibly hot and humid day, looks like he never, ever sweats.
He feigns interest in the items at the table, but is really looking at the property.
JOE (getting mad) I’m keeping these.
SARAH Even though you never listen to them.
JOE Even though.
SARAH Fine, but...(to Doris) Excuse me!
Doris has flanked Sarah and Joe and is at the front door.
DORIS I’m sure you’ve forgotten a few things inside...
AGENT BOB (holding a German beer stein) How much is this?
SARAH (to Agent Bob) I don't know...hold on. (to Joe, pointing at Doris disappearing into the house) Joe! Can you...
JOE Going!
He heads into the house. Sarah puts the box of records down on the ground again, not paying attention.
A beat. Sarah looks frazzled. Kneels down, starts cleaning up the box of sheets, refolding things.
BOB Looks like you’ve been busy. 21.
SARAH Yeah, you know...when it rains, it pours.
BOB (not getting it) Right. Tell me about it. I’m Bob McIntyre, by the way.
SARAH (shaking his hand) Sarah Walker.
BOB Where you guys moving to?
SARAH Look, you know, it’s not worth your time.
BOB What?
SARAH You guys all look alike. We’re not selling.
BOB How much the other guys offer you?
SARAH Look, I’m not the one you have to convince. I’d sell it in a heartbeat.
BOB But your husband. I get it. Wait, is he the guy that almost ran over Jan Smith?
SARAH That’s my one and only. I wouldn’t stay out here too long if I were you. He comes out here...
BOB I’ve handled my share of crazies.
SARAH Seriously, he left a golf club by the front door just in case you guys came back.
The front door opens, Joe comes out, engrossed, talking to Doris. They stand at the door of the house.
DORIS ...but, you know, it gets really cold up there. 22.
JOE I know, I know.
BOB (quiet, quick, so Joe doesn’t hear) Well...here’s my card.
SARAH Like I said. It’s a lost cause. Not worth your time.
BOB You never know....
Bob exits. Joe gives him a glance, looks at Sarah, but is distracted by the Doris
DORIS Maine. You know, my nephew lives up there.
JOE Really? Where?
DORIS Portland? Is that how you say it? He's in the Navy.
JOE That's incredible! Honey, did you hear that?
SARAH What?
JOE Doris has a nephew who lives in Portland!
SARAH Really.
JOE That's where we're moving!
DORIS He's stationed at the Navy Base there.
JOE Does he like it? 23.
DORIS Not really. He gets tired of the cold in the winter, and the people aren't as friendly as they are down here. But the ocean is real nice in the summer time.
JOE Well, ok then.
Doris looks at her watch.
DORIS OH my goodness. I’m going to be late for pickle ball! Take care! Thank you!
Doris exits.
SARAH Did she buy anything?
JOE No. But she did like the house!
SARAH You showed her the house?
JOE Well, Doris was so interested. She said she used to live in a place just like this.
SARAH Doris?
JOE Yes! Very sweet woman. She said we shouldn't move.
SARAH Joe...
JOE She said that the people up north aren't as nice as they are down here.
SARAH I heard that.
JOE And that developers are evil and we shouldn’t sell this house. She said it was a piece of history.
SARAH Did she also say that your family is down here and that you need a village to raise a child?
JOE There is, apparently, a historical society at the university that bought a house just like ours! 24.
JOE They're turning it into a museum...
SARAH We talked about this.
JOE I know, I know.
SARAH Three YEARS. I gave you three years down here.
JOE I know.
SARAH You had your chance. You had your turn. Now it's mine.
JOE That's what this is about? Your turn versus mine?
SARAH Yes. Yes it is.
JOE Well...that's just...
SARAH What?
JOE It just seems that that is a really, really petty thing to base a huge life decision around.
SARAH Petty?
JOE Yes.
SARAH As in minor. Not important. Or perhaps you meant small-minded. Mean, even.
JOE Ok, maybe not.
SARAH Me, giving up three years of my life to be down here, supporting you, working a job I hate, is...petty.
JOE I didn’t mean it that way. 25.
SARAH Then exactly what did you mean?
JOE Just six more months, and we...
Joe's Mother, Cynthia, enters. She is dressed in official "casual" wear and looking uncomfortable in it. Glasses. White hair that looks like it never moves. Posture that would make a marine proud. The kind of woman that third graders dread getting as their teacher in elementary school.
CYNTHIA Joe! Did you make those signs?
JOE Yes, Mother.
SARAH Good morning, Cynthia.
CYNTHIA Hello, Sarah.
JOE Mom, I told you, we didn't need any help today.
CYNTHIA I'm not here to help.
JOE Then...
CYNTHIA I'm here to shop.
SARAH Right. Great!
CYNTHIA In any case, you could have done a little better job with those signs.
SARAH Really.
CYNTHIA I could barely see the address from my car. You should have made them bigger. 26.
JOE The signs are fine, Mom.
CYNTHIA I think you should consider making some new ones.
JOE Mom...
CYNTHIA The signs...
SARAH You know, maybe she's right. JOE CYNTHIA What? What?
SARAH I think it would help to make the signs a little bigger.
JOE Ok...
SARAH So why don't I go inside and make a few, while you stay out here and your mother...shops.
JOE Sarah...
SARAH Joe, it's fine.
Sarah exits.
CYNTHIA Well, then. See.
JOE She didn't really agree with you, Mom.
CYNTHIA Of course she did.
JOE No, she didn't. She just wanted to get inside.
CYNTHIA Oh. Of course. 27.
JOE We were having a fight about the fact that she hates living here and wants to move back to where her family is from and I love living here and don't want to leave.
CYNTHIA She...hates it here?
JOE Feeding into this situation is the fact that I haven't been able to secure any kind of full-time employment down here, while she has been offered a position as the Vice-President of Director Relations, complete with a parking spot, a butt-kissing assistant, and maternity leave.
CYNTHIA Joe...you don't have to...
JOE Why would she need maternity leave, you ask? Wait, quiet. Listen? (beat) Don't you hear that ticking? No, NO...I know what you're thinking, and it's not the crocodile chasing Captain Hook. It's her biologicial clock, and while I thought it was like a Timex or a Casio from Wal-Mart, turns out sometime last year, without really telling me, she replaced it with Big Ben. You know, the clock tower in London? That's right — we've got it on loan. Right here in Coconut Grove.
CYNTHIA Joe...please...
JOE And Big Ben, you know, is a pretty regular clock. And, if you listen carefully, you can hear it every hour, on the hour. "It's one o'clock - WHY AREN'T YOU HAVING CHILDREN?" or "It's two o'clock — YOU'RE A FAILURE AS A WOMAN." "It's three o'clock — "YOUR UTERUS IS SHRIVELLING UP LIKE A DRIED GRAPE!"
CYNTHIA I'm...I don't...
JOE Now imagine, sleeping next to a clock the size of Big Ben. Living next to a clock the size of Big Ben.
CYNTHIA I...
JOE It's not pleasant, let me tell you. And...
CYNTHIA JOE, STOP! 28.
JOE What? You wanted to know.
CYNTHIA No, I didn't. I really didn't. YES, I wanted to know what you were fighting about. But I didn't need to hear you belittle your wife.
JOE Oh, c'mon, mom...
CYNTHIA I mean it Joseph! Don't you ever, EVER talk about her like that in front of me again.
JOE But...mom. I thought...you're supposed to be on my side.
CYNTHIA No. You're supposed to be on HER side.
JOE Mom..that's...that's...have you been watching Dr. Phil?
CYNTHIA What? No. I wouldn't. Well...
JOE I KNEW IT!
CYNTHIA He's just such a good man, you know...
JOE I can't believe what I'm hearing. Last week I had to tell YOU to...
CYNTHIA Yes, well, a person can grow, can't they?
Sarah pokes her head out the front door.
SARAH Hey, where's the hammer?
JOE It's...I think it's on the back porch. In the big white bucket towards the back.
Sarah ducks back into the house.
CYNTHIA In any case, you shouldn't talk about her like that, even if she is ruining your life. 29.
JOE Ahhh....now that's the mom I know and despise.
CYNTHIA Well, it's true, isn't it? Tick, tock, clock, schmock. She has PLENTY of time to have children. What is she, 23, 24?
JOE Twenty-nine.
CYNTHIA Whatever. And so you've had a few problems settling on a career. You're the one who put HER through school, right?
JOE Right! Well mostly. I did get laid off....well, quit really...would have been laid off anyway...
CYNTHIA It’s not like you haven’t been trying. I mean, the physical therapist thing — that wasn’t really you. And it wasn’t your fault the bookstore didn’t do well.
JOE That’s what I keep saying.
CYNTHIA And what was that...web stuff you were trying to do? You couldn’t know the tech thing was going to go bust just then.
JOE You know...I don’t know if you’re helping.
CYNTHIA (ignoring him) I’m just glad you finally settled on the law. Just like your father.
JOE Yeah, about that...
CYNTHIA Have you heard from any of the law firms in Portland yet?
JOE ...not really. No.
CYNTHIA You did contact them?
JOE Well...I sorta figured I’d wait till we got up there. Better to do that in person. 30.
CYNTHIA Joe...
JOE Plus, you know, the bar thing.
CYNTHIA Not everyone passes the bar, the first time. Maybe it’ll be easier in Maine.
JOE You’re definitely not helping.
CYNTHIA Well, I’m sure you’ll find something. You always do. And if it doesn’t work out, you can always...
JOE Mom...
CYNTHIA Joseph, hear me out...if you would just let your father...
JOE Mom, I'm not working for Dad.
Before Cynthia can reply something heavy crashes loudly in the garage.
SARAH OW! FUCK!
JOE Sarah? You alright?
No reply. Joe starts to move toward the garage, but before he can get very far, Sarah emerges, face red, hands full, carrying a folded white sheet, a hammer, some nails, and a step ladder. She drops the sheet and hammer on the ground by the front porch and unfolds the ladder.
Cynthia and Joe watch in silence.
Sarah grabs the sheet and hammer, climbs the ladder and pounds one edge of the sheet into one corner of the front porch, using perhaps a bit more force than necessary. 31.
Methodically she gets down, moves the ladder over a bit, looks to judge the best place for the end of the sheet, moves the ladder a bit more, then climbs up it again, sheet in hand. Again, with a bit too much force, she hammers the other end of the sheet into the top of the front porch. A small piece of the porch falls off as she does this. Sarah looks down at the piece, gives Cynthia and Joe a rueful smile, and starts down the ladder.
In very large, very RED letters, the sheet reads “MOVING SALE.” If it could talk, it would say “MOVING SALE, DAMMIT.”
Sarah steps back, looks at her work.
SARAH I couldn't find the black magic marker.
JOE (still stunned at the size of the sign) It's...it's right here.
Joe pulls it out of his pocket.
CYNTHIA (recovering) Well, dear, you certainly will be able to see THAT from the road.
SARAH Yes. I think so.
An awkward pause. The three of them look at each other, nothing to say. A beat. The phone rings, a phone on the table. The cordless phone from the house. Sarah, relieved, picks it up.
SARAH Hello? Yes, this is. Yes? No. You didn’t? You should have...never mind. Yes, yes we do. Can you hold on one minute? (she covers the phone) Joe.
JOE Yes, dear.
SARAH Did you call the moving company? To confirm?
JOE ...crap. No. 32.
SARAH They need the routing and HOP number off the invoice that I gave you. And they need to know when to be here. Can you...
JOE (taking the phone) Sure. Wait. When do we want them here, again?
SARAH Monday. 9:00 am.
Joe heads inside.
Another awkward pause. Sarah starts to put the ladder and tools away. Cynthia busies herself looking at some of the stuff on the table.
SARAH So, Cynthia, did you find anything you wanted to buy?
CYNTHIA Buy?
SARAH Yes. You said you came by to shop?
CYNTHIA Right! So I did. Well, Joseph and I got to talking, and I didn't have a chance to really look around...but now that you mention it....
She looks around, slowly. Spies a pair of lobster shaped oven mitts. Picks them up.
CYNTHIA You know, dear, these look like they're in perfect condition.
SARAH They do, don't they.
CYNTHIA Where did you get them?
SARAH I believe...I believe that my...college roommate gave them to me.
CYNTHIA Really? Are you sure, dear?
SARAH Absolutely. I remember it exactly. 33.
CYNTHIA You do?
SARAH Yes, because, you see, it was a joke. The only people who ever bought these things were tourists, from out of town. They're tacky. They're beyond tacky. And that's what made them such a wonderful joke.
CYNTHIA Really.
SARAH And, you know, I hated to cook. That made it even funnier.
CYNTHIA You...hated cooking?
SARAH Oh, not anymore! Of course, I love to cook, now. And all of those cookbooks you gave me last Christmas — so helpful, really.
CYNTHIA I do...I think I'll take these off your hands. No pun intended, I'm sure. How much?
SARAH Oh, I couldn't charge you for them.
CYNTHIA Really, I insist.
SARAH No, seriously, just take them.
CYNTHIA Now, Sarah, I don't want to argue with you — I'm here to shop, and I'll pay a fair price for them.
SARAH Fine. One hundred dollars.
CYNTHIA Excuse me?
SARAH One hundred dollars.
CYNTHIA One hundred dollars. 34.
SARAH One hundred dollars. Or nothing.
A beat. They stare at each other. Then...Cynthia, without a word, pulls out her purse. She sifts through the contents, then hands a bunch of bills to Sarah.
SARAH (cheerily) Thank you!
Joe comes out, holding a box of books, puts them next to the table.
JOE What's going on?
SARAH Your mother has been doing some shopping!
JOE Really? What'd you buy?
CYNTHIA These...these lovely oven mitts.
JOE But...didn't you...
Cynthia and Sarah both look at Joe.
CYNTHIA What, dear?
JOE Never mind. Nothing.
CYNTHIA Well, I had better be going.
JOE Thank you, Mother.
SARAH Nice doing business with you!
Cynthia exits. 35.
JOE I told you not to put those out.
SARAH One hundred dollars.
JOE You knew Cynthia was going to stop by.
SARAH One hundred dollars.
JOE ...what?
SARAH She wanted to pay for them.
JOE ...one hundred dollars?
SARAH Yup.
JOE To buy back a pair of oven mitts SHE gave you for Christmas last year.
SARAH Yup.
JOE That's...you scare me.
SARAH And I should.
JOE Seriously, I have seen that woman make people cry for charging her 67 cents extra on her dry cleaning.
SARAH One hundred dollars. Right here in my hot little hand.
JOE I don't know if I want to make the sign of the cross and find a good wooden stake — or jump you right here on this table. 36.
SARAH (laughing) I don't know if you can afford to, pal, I'm pretty expensive.
JOE (pulling her in for a kiss) Good thing I have you under contract.
SARAH You know what your mom did?
JOE Oh no.
SARAH Yesterday, I mean. You know what she did?
JOE Please, please…I don’t need to know..
SARAH At dinner the other night. You know, the professor she was talking to. She tells him we’re moving because you’re in the Navy.
JOE What?
SARAH Not only that, but a doctor. A pediatrician.
JOE Well...there is a Navy base in Portland...
SARAH JOE!
JOE What do you want? Of course she said that.
SARAH Of course?
JOE She can’t tell people we’re moving because of you. They wouldn’t understand.
SARAH Your mother…
JOE SHE doesn’t understand. C’mon, Sarah, you know this. She doesn’t get you. You intimidate her. 37.
SARAH Kidding. You’ve got to be…
JOE No. Really. She doesn’t get you. She’s never worked a day in her whole life. She’s never listened to anyone in her whole life. You do both. That’s all you do. It’s…it’s who you are.
SARAH I didn’t think — I didn’t think you noticed anymore.
JOE Of course I did, I do. Mom, her whole life, she’s had to fight, had to manipulate people to get what she needs, what she wants. People are…chess pieces to her, puzzles. Move the piece, find the button, and push it. That’s what she does.
SARAH I know this. I know all this.
JOE So why are you surprised?
SARAH Because…I keep hoping that there might be some way, some common ground.
JOE No. Give it up. I gave up a long time ago.
SARAH Really? Seriously?
JOE Why are we even talking about this? We’re moving, we’re never going to see her again.
SARAH Right. You’re right.
JOE I mean, the truck’s coming Monday, we’re home free. Right?
SARAH Right. You’re right. The truck’s coming Monday.
JOE Right.
A young couple, NICK and HONEY, pushing a baby stroller enter. Roughly the same age as Joe and Sarah. 38.
SARAH Good morning!
HONEY Good morning!
JOE Hello.
NICK What's up.
An awkward pause as Nick and Honey browse. Sarah finds herself drawn to the baby carriage.
SARAH How old?
NICK 4 months.
SARAH What's ...her? his? Name?
NICK Zoe.
SARAH Sorry — it's always, you know...you don't want to call a boy a girl, or a girl...
NICK We get that a lot.
SARAH She's beautiful.
NICK Thank you!
SARAH No, seriously, she's...beautiful. Is she — your first?
NICK (looking around at the kids stuff) Yup. So...let’s see - four years old? Five?
SARAH What?
HONEY I’m thinking younger than that - maybe three. Look at all this Elmo stuff. 39.
NICK But definitely a boy.
HONEY Oh definitely.
JOE What are you talking about?
HONEY It’s a game. We like to figure out how many kids, how old they are...from what you have on the table.
NICK So...what’s his name?
SARAH I...we don’t have any kids yet.
NICK But...what about all this stuff?
HONEY I’m sorry...it’s just...we thought, the stuff, you know?
SARAH Belongs to a neighbor.
NICK Ah. Right. Sorry.
JOE Getting much sleep?
NICK and HONEY exchange a look.
HONEY She still gets up twice a night to eat.
JOE Eat? In the middle of the night?
HONEY Sometimes three times a night.
JOE What does she eat? I mean, do you have to get up and cook?
HONEY No, no. She's still breastfeeding. 40.
JOE Breastfeeding.
NICK She's not up to solid food quite yet.
JOE Oh, right. Right. Breastfeeding.
Another awkward pause.
SARAH You guys live here in the grove?
NICK Yup. Over off of Tigertail.
SARAH What do you do?
NICK I'm a biologist — I teach at UM. And Honey stays home with Zoe.
SARAH You...you both are very lucky.
HONEY Thank you. I think so.
JOE So...you guys having sex yet?
SARAH JOE!
JOE What? I'm serious, I'd like to know — you know, how long it takes to get back in the saddle.
SARAH I....I'm sorry.
NICK I don't think that's any of your business.
JOE So...that's a no.
NICK (to HONEY) You ready? 41.
JOE And how does that whole breastfeeding thing work into it?
SARAH Joe...
JOE Does it make it more sexy? Or are they just off-limits?
NICK and HONEY leave.
SARAH What the hell was that?
JOE I wanted to know!
SARAH You crossed the line.
JOE Hey, I didn't start it.
SARAH Yes you did.
JOE I wasn't the one who started talking about BREASTfeeding.
SARAH What are you, two years old?
JOE I'm just saying, the whole thing makes me uncomfortable.
SARAH (sarcastic) No.
JOE And as long as we're talking about things that make me uncomfortable, we might as well ask all the real questions.
SARAH Really. Then I have a question.
JOE Shoot!
SARAH Are you ever going to be ready to have kids? 42.
JOE Sarah...
SARAH Because that's what we're doing. That's what I'm doing.
JOE What is that?
SARAH That's why we're moving.
JOE I know. I know.
SARAH Do you? Because I don't think you do.
JOE How could I not? It's only been the topic of every "discussion" we've had for the last year.
SARAH And you're still not ready.
JOE NO! I'm not. OK! I'm not ready to have children. It scares the crap out of me. It makes me feel old. It makes me feel like I haven't done anything, I haven't figured out my life.
SARAH Well, too bad.
JOE What?
SARAH Too bad. We're moving, and all I know is, you had better be ready by the time we unpack these boxes. Or you can just stay here.
JOE I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I want to do that.
SARAH This is what married people do. This is what I do.
JOE What?
SARAH Do things, move places you don't want to because it's important to the other person. 43.
JOE So I'm supposed to make the biggest decision of my life, because you spent three years down here, putting up with my mom.
SARAH It’s more than your mom.
JOE Here we go.
SARAH It’s your mom, it’s my job, it’s this whole place. It’s the traffic. It’s the drivers — I mean, would it hurt them to look in the rearview mirror once in a while? It’s the people who stole all the tires off the car in the middle of the night. It’s the fact that we have to drive five hours to get anywhere. It’s the humidity, goddammit. It’s the goddamn sunshine, all the fucking time. It’s the flatness. It’s having to carry a sweater with you to work because the air conditioning is so cold. It’s A/C everywhere. It’s the cars that drive by with their fucking subwoofers so loud that you think the sound is coming from inside your head. It’s the plastic surgeons, it’s the plastic boobs, it’s the plastic heads, it’s the plastic everything. It’s going to the beach and having to listen to Spanish radio whether you want to or not. It’s the goddamn loudness. It’s walking out of the house and being drenched in sweat by the time you get to the car. It’s the houses that have eight-foot fences. It’s the mile after mile of gated communities. It’s never feeling safe, no matter where you are. It’s…Miami.
JOE You used to like it.
SARAH I don’t want...
JOE What? You don’t want…what?
SARAH I don’t want to raise my children here. I don’t even want to be pregnant here.
JOE I grew up here. This is my home. This is where I’m from.
SARAH I know. I know. And I wanted to like it.
JOE Did you?
SARAH I did. I really did. But I can’t. I just can’t anymore. 44.
JOE We don’t even know if we can.
SARAH Don’t go there.
JOE No, but — look at Scott and Mary — they tried for years…
SARAH Seriously, don’t go there.
JOE What if we move — and we can’t even have kids? What then?
Doris, the old lady from before, enters.
DORIS Hello! So sorry to bother you, but I believe I may have left my glasses in your living room…
A beat. Silence as Sarah turns away from Joe.
DORIS (noticing the tension) I’m sorry, is this a bad time?
SARAH Why don’t you take her inside?
JOE But…
SARAH Just go.
JOE Ok. Ok. Right this way, Doris.
DORIS Such a nice husband you have, dear. You really are blessed.
Doris and Joe exit. Sarah is left alone. Lights dim. 45.
ACT TWO
It's now much later in the day. Most of the things that were of any interest are now gone. The futon is still there, as are a pile of clothes, a kiddie pool and some framed prints. And the pack&play.
Joe sits in a folding chair under an umbrella. It's bright and hot outside — a summer day under the searing Florida sun.
His cell phone rings, he picks it up.
JOE Hello?Sure. I mean, you are. Speaking with Joseph Walker. This is Joseph Walker. Ok. Sure. Wait! Who is this? Yes. I’ll hold.
A guy pushing a stroller, toddler in the stroller, walks up, starts looking around.
JOE Hi!
GUY What’s up.
JOE I’d hang up, but this is kinda important.
GUY Right. Ok.
Guy continues to look around, sees the records.
JOE Yes! Hello! Joe here! Good! Good. (beat) Gorgeous day today, right?
He grimaces, what a lame thing to day.
JOE Humidity. Right. Humidity. You do?
Guy holds up one of the records.
GUY How much for this?
JOE They’re not for sale. No, no, not you. Sorry. You’re offering me the position? Monday? Monday…can’t do Monday. How about — Wednesday? 46.
Guy is about to leave, sees the crib off to the side, approaches it with interest, starts to examine it.
JOE Wednesday at nine. Wow. Yes. Fine. No, I’m good, I’m good.Wednesday.
They hang up. Joe stands there a minute, phone in his hand.
GUY You off the phone?
JOE What?
GUY How much for the pack&play?
JOE Pack and play?
GUY Yeah, over there.
JOE I have no idea. I don’t think it’s ours...
GUY ...what does that mean? Is it for sale or not?
JOE No, I mean, yes, it’s for sale. It’s the neighbors’. There’s nothing on it, a sticker or anything?
GUY No.
JOE I don’t know — twenty dollars?
GUY (can’t believe his good fortune) I’ll take it...
JOE I should really wait for my wife...
GUY Where is she? 47.
JOE Inside, I think...she’ll be out in a sec...(yelling for her) SARAH!
GUY (taking his money out) I’m kinda in a hurry.
JOE Fine. Twenty dollars. (he looks at the crib) Uhhh...you know how to...
GUY Here. I got it.
Guy breaks the crib down swiftly and packs it away, obviously very familiar with the process. Thanks!
GUY Congrats, by the way.
JOE Congrats?
GUY On the job. Sounds like you got the job, right?
JOE Yeah. I got the job.
GUY So, congrats!
JOE Thank you.
Guy exits. Joe sits down under the umbrella, still a bit stunned.
A car pulls up offstage, a door slams. SUSANNAH, a middle-aged woman, late 40's, enters. She's not bad looking, just a little wind-blown. Very made-up. Big hair.
SUSANNAH Y'all have anything else inside?
Sarah enters.
JOE No, nothing else. Sorry! 48.
SUSANNAH Guess I'm a little late, most of the good stuff is gone.
SARAH We started at eight.
SUSANNAH Yesss, I had every intention of getting up...but I just couldn't drag myself.
JOE Well, good intentions, you know.
SUSANNAH Exactly! At least I had good intentions. I tell myself that every day. How much for the kiddie pool?
SARAH We never used it as a pool. Just so you know.
SUSANNAH What did you use it for?
SARAH Beer. For a party. You know, put a bunch of ice in it.
SUSANNAH Well, aren't you all just so original! That sounds like fun.
SARAH It's a quarter.
SUSANNAH Really? That’s all? Well, bless your heart. I think my baby will love it.
Sarah picks it up, hands it to Susannah
SARAH Baby? You’ve got kids?
SUSANNAH Oh, well, after a fashion. My baby is a boa constrictor - and she’s getting a might too big for the little tub I have for her. This should do the trick nicely.
SARAH Boa constrictor...as in a snake?
SUSANNAH Why, yes! You know, put a little water, a little sand in here, she'll love it! You wanna see her? I've got her in the car. 49.
Gives Sarah a quarter.
SARAH No, no, that's ok. Thanks. She's probably, sleeping, or something.
Susannah picks up the pool.
SUSANNAH Really, she's a sweetheart. She's only about six feet long. Small, really, for a boa.
SARAH Seriously, that's ok.
SUSANNAH Well...ok then. Ya'll take care!
SUSANNAH exits, pool in hand.
SARAH Bye!
JOE See — now there’s something you wouldn’t get in Maine.
SARAH It just makes me tired.
JOE There's a surprise.
SARAH I just want a normal town, with four seasons, no humidity, and people who have jumper cables, NOT snakes, in their cars.
JOE And you think that’s going to be Maine.
SARAH Yes. That’s what I think.
JOE You’ll get jumper cables, that’s for sure.
SARAH What are you saying?
JOE I’m just saying — everyplace has it’s faults. 50.
SARAH Of course, but…
JOE I mean, would it hurt them to smile? Every once in a while? I mean, you go to the store, and say have a nice day — and they ignore you. Or yell at you for not doing it right, because they’ve lived there for two hundred million years and so have their ancestors and of course you should know that you aren’t supposed to ask for change. And you think it’s hot here — it gets cold, really cold. For a long time. And snow. And more snow. And then some more snow. And at least we have SOME sun here — you can go for months and not ever see anything but gray sky and then…grayer sky. And somehow, it’s ok to be fat. I mean really fat. Is it the clothes? Or the cold? Why is it people think it’s ok to be 200 pounds overweight? And the drivers — at least people here are up front about their feelings. They don’t like you, they don’t like the way you’re driving — they’ll tell you. But up there — they’ll let you hit them before they honk at you. Or if you don’t see them and accidentally cut them off — they’ll just sit and say, damn out-of-towners. And then cut you off twenty miles later. It’s like the whole state is passive-aggressive. Too polite to tell you to your face that they don’t like you, but they’ll kick you in the nuts when you’re not looking six months later. And even the uneducated people think they’re better than everyone else in the country — somehow, because you’re from New England, you are smarter than everyone else? Just because you don’t have a southern accent doesn’t mean you aren’t a redneck. And did I mention the snow?
SARAH I know you’re not talking about my family.
JOE The redneck part — no. But the rest…
SARAH So you hate it there, and I hate it here.
JOE Hey, you used to say the same stuff…
SARAH I did.
JOE So maybe it’s us.
SARAH Greener grass.
JOE I mean, you used to love it here.
SARAH That was before working at the college. 51.
JOE You didn’t have to take that job.
SARAH I didn’t have to take that job.
JOE That’s what I said.
SARAH Really.
JOE You would have found another job. Another position. Or we could have, you know, worked together. Founded a company.
SARAH Right.
JOE We still could, you know.
SARAH Just stop.
JOE What?
SARAH This.
JOE I’m just saying.
SARAH No. We’re going. End of story. I don’t care if you hate it. I don’t care if you love it. I don’t really care what you think at all. We’re moving. I’m moving.
Beat. They stare at each other.
JOE You know what we need?
SARAH What?
JOE Coconuts. 52.
Joe heads for the house.
SARAH No one’s going to buy any coconuts.
JOE Why not?
SARAH You’re going to hurt yourself.
JOE Souvenirs from Florida!
SARAH Last time you went up on the roof, we had to pay for a window.
JOE We can’t ignore the tourist market.
Joe exits.
SARAH What tourist market? Great. This is great.
Sarah busies herself by rearranging things on the table. Bob walks in, again, this time with no pretense of looking at the items on the table.
SARAH Hello, Bob.
BOB Is...Joe around?
SARAH Well…no. Sorta.
BOB I looked up the deed on your property here. And turns out you’re the only name on the deed.
SARAH Yes…
BOB Not Joe. 53.
SARAH Joe...well, let’s just say he’s had some credit problems.
BOB So the house is in your name, and in your name only.
SARAH Yes.
BOB So…you see what I’m saying here.
SARAH No.
BOB We don’t need Joe.
SARAH We?
BOB You could sign the house over. By yourself.
SARAH I…that’s just…
Joe appears on the roof, precariously climbing over the top of a ladder. He sees Bob.
JOE BUTCHER!
SARAH Maybe you should leave now, Bob…
BOB I was just in the neighborhood.
JOE MURDERER!
BOB How’s it going, Joe?
JOE TREE KILLER! 54.
BOB What’s he talking about?
JOE BIRD BUTCHERER!
SARAH You expect me to know?
BOB Look, I was just in the neighborhood, wanted to stop by…
JOE In the neighborhood? In the neighborhood? Where in the neighborhood?
BOB You know Sarah McKenzie?
JOE The place with the cannon out front?
BOB Yes. Is that thing real? She’s moving to the Keys.
SARAH She shoots it off at parties.
BOB Cool. Anyway, we’re going to put a couple of new units there.
JOE She’s got a huge avocado tree, a couple of regular coconut trees. And I believe a couple of wild parrot nests up there somewhere.
BOB Really? I hadn’t noticed.
JOE How could you not? They’re HUGE.
BOB Well, anyway, I was just down there and thought I’d stop by and…
JOE You’re going to cut them down, aren’t you.
BOB That’s up to the… 55.
JOE (to Sarah) He’s cutting down more trees.
SARAH Joe, c’mon, not now…
JOE He’s cutting down more trees, and he’s on my lawn.
SARAH (to Bob) You might want to leave now.
BOB What? But...
Joe throws a coconut at Bob. Bob ducks, the coconut misses him narrowly.
JOE Coconut Grove! This town is called Coconut GROVE!
Joe throws another coconut.
BOB Hey! Watch it!
JOE Do you know what a grove is? It is a “cluster of trees.” Not strip malls. Not car washes. And definitely not new pink and teal condos with one car garages and master bedrooms and Jacuzzis.
BOB Ok, now…
JOE TREES. Trees that have branches and leaves and fruit. Trees that parrots land in. Trees that squirrels live in. A cluster of trees. TREES!
He throws another coconut. Bob ducks as it narrowly misses his head.
BOB Hey! Ok, well, I had better go…
SARAH I told you… 56.
JOE Did you know that for every four trees that are cut down, only one is replanted? Did you know that it takes an entire ACRE of trees to make up for the CO2 that one person creates a YEAR!?
He throws another coconut, manages to hit Bob in the leg.
BOB (hurried) OUCH! THAT….anyway, I should probably go. Sarah, call me.
Joe throws another coconut, misses. Bob exits. In a hurry.
SARAH JOE!
JOE (shouting after Bob) Did you know that trees raise property values? Did you know that crime, overall, is much lower in urban areas that have more trees? Did you know that I LOVED THOSE TREES!?
He throws another coconut in the direction Bob left.
SARAH Joe! Stop it!
JOE Tree killer.
SARAH He’s gone.
JOE (holding a coconut out to Sarah) Coconut?
SARAH Just come down.
JOE That was over the top, wasn’t it?
SARAH (sarcastic) No. Most people don’t mind having coconuts thrown at them. They enjoy it really. 57.
JOE It was over the top.
SARAH (tired) Just come down.
Joe exits.
Sarah picks up some of the coconuts, puts them on the table, cleaning up after Joe like she always does.
An eleven year-old girl comes riding in on her skateboard. She starts looking around. Sarah watches hera second, wistfully, then...
SARAH Hi.
GIRL Hi.
SARAH Nice skateboard you got there.
GIRL Thanks.
SARAH Do you…I mean, do you know any tricks?
GIRL Tricks?
SARAH With the skateboard.
GIRL No.
SARAH Oh. That’s ok.
Awkward pause. Strike one.
SARAH My name’s Sarah.
GIRL Ok. 58.
SARAH What’s your name?
GIRL I’m not really supposed to tell.
SARAH What?
GIRL I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.
SARAH Oh. Right.
Another awkward pause. Strike Two.
GIRL Oh, cool!
She’s found the albums.
GIRL Matty’s going to freak when he sees this.
SARAH What?
GIRL “Boys Don’t Cry” — in vinyl.
SARAH You know who The Cure is?
GIRL Classic 80’s band. They’re great.
SARAH You’re into 80’s bands?
GIRL Yeah, but only the real alternative stuff, you know.
SARAH Morrissey?
GIRL You know who Morrissey is? 59.
SARAH Yeah. And REM, and Siouxsie and the Banshees, and the Cult, and Depeche Mode, and the Clash. Kate Bush?
GIRL Wow. Hey, you got any more of this stuff?
SARAH I…yeah, under there I think. But not everything.
GIRL Why not?
SARAH Some of it...well, my husband wanted to keep, you know.
GIRL Right. Makes sense.
SARAH You...you’re really a big Morrissey fan?
GIRL Huge.
Sarah goes over to the clothes box, digs around a little.
SARAH Wanna see something cool?
GIRL What?
Sarah pulls out a Smiths concert shirt from 1987.
GIRL Ok, Matty’s really going to freak now. Where’d you get this?
SARAH Who’s Matty?
GIRL My big brother.
SARAH He’s into the Smiths?
GIRL Big into the Smiths. 60.
SARAH (holding the shirt, showing it to the girl.) I went to the concert.
GIRL Even has his hair done like Morrisey did you know.
SARAH Really?
GIRL I think it looks kinda stupid, but…
SARAH Yeah, older brothers are like that.
GIRL Yeah. Uhhh…how much for this stuff?
She would give it to her for free, but doesn’t want to hurt her pride.
SARAH Let’s see…three dollars.
GIRL That’s it?
SARAH I can make it more, if you want.
Girl digs out money, looks at the shirt again.
GIRL You went to the concert?
SARAH Third row. It was amazing. He sang everything. He sang “This Charming Man.”
GIRL You don’t have that, do you? The single?
SARAH No. I wish.
GIRL Yeah.
Girl gets on her bike, goes to leave, stops. 61.
GIRL Thanks. Matty’s going to freak.
SARAH Yeah. See ya.
GIRL I’m…my name’s Mandy.
SARAH Ok, Mandy. Be careful on the way home.
GIRL Ok. Thanks. Bye!
Sarah watches her go.
Sarah looks around, sees the mess that was a neat display table. Takes the t-shirts out of the box, starts folding them, putting them on the table as she does so. It reads like a who’s who of 80’s pop bands. REM, The Cure, Indigo Girls, The Clash, The Police, Madonna — she smiles at the Madonna one. Puts it on — still fits.
A smile, then an idea. She goes over to the table with her leather jacket, the one that Shannon had looked at earlier, puts it on. Fits and looks great. Sees the Madonna cassette that Shannon had left next to it. Picks it up, smiles - then another idea: she rummages around a bit, and finds her old walkman. Puts the cassette in, puts the headphones on...the music starts, and she starts to dance. And she’s pretty good. And she knows she’s good.
She dances for a little bit, and then the walkman clicks twice...and dies. She shakes it, frustrated...and walks by the full-length mirror that she had out to sell. Sees herself, dressed up, looking like high school self. Stares at her reflection for a moment.
She puts the walkman down, takes the tape out, puts it next to the t-shirts. Takes the jacket, the Madonna shirt off, folds them, carefully puts them back in the box. Gathers the albums, tapes, etc, puts them in the box with the shirts. The lava lamp never sold. She puts it in the box with the other stuff and then closes up the box, carefully setting it aside.
A beat. Then she starts putting the rest of the things together in boxes as well. 62.
Cynthia enters.
CYNTHIA Well?
SARAH Cynthia. Didn’t hear you pull up.
CYNTHIA How did your day go?
SARAH Fine. It went just fine.
CYNTHIA Good. That is…good.
SARAH Yes.
CYNTHIA Is…where is Joe?
SARAH He’s inside.
CYNTHIA Right. Of course. So…when do the movers come?
SARAH Monday.
CYNTHIA Did you call Jack, like I suggested? He’s our moving guy, a really good guy.
SARAH No…the company is sending their own people. You know. Since they’re paying for it.
CYNTHIA Oh. Well, I hope they’re as good as Jack.
SARAH I’m sure they’ll be fine.
CYNTHIA What are you going to do about that cat? 63.
SARAH Cat?
CYNTHIA You know, the one you called…Pond something?
SARAH You mean Walden?
CYNTHIA Yes!
SARAH He’ll be fine. He’s not ours, anyway, he just comes by for food. And to bite me.
CYNTHIA He bit you?
SARAH Yup. He’s a little wild, I think. Another reason...
CYNTHIA Yes?
SARAH Nothing.
CYNTHIA Another reason to move?
SARAH No. Yes. I…wouldn’t want that cat around a baby.
CYNTHIA Right.
SARAH You read stories, you know. Cats jumping into cribs. As soon as we get settled in Maine, we’re going to start trying.
CYNTHIA I’m sure that’s none of my business.
SARAH So, by this time next year…you’ll be a grandma.
CYNTHIA A grandma. A grandmother.
SARAH What do you want to be called, Cynthia? 64.
CYNTHIA Called?
SARAH Grandma Walker? Grandmother? Nana? Granny Walker?
CYNTHIA Oh no. I hadn’t really...
SARAH Granny Walker, I like the sound of that…
CYNTHIA I think — do I have to be called anything?
SARAH Wasn’t there a character on Hee Haw called Granny Walker…
CYNTHIA Maybe Grandma Walker. Or Nana, I like the sound of that.
SARAH Granny Walker — a more sophisticated bourbon, Johnnie Walker’s distinguished kin… (she giggles) I’m sorry.
CYNTHIA I should go.
SARAH Really. I’m sorry. I’ll stop. Please.
CYNTHIA A grandmother. I’m going to be a grandmother.
SARAH Yes.
CYNTHIA You can’t go.
SARAH What?
CYNTHIA You can’t go. I want to be there.
SARAH For what?
CYNTHIA For the birth. For his first year birthday. For his first word. For his first steps. 65.
SARAH There…you can visit anytime.
CYNTHIA Visit? Visit? I don’t like the sound of that. Visit. No. I want to be able to be there, so I can just drop by, so I can babysit, so you can leave him with us for the weekend, for summer vacations.
SARAH I…can’t believe this.
CYNTHIA No. It’s out of the question. You can’t go. Joseph will go to work for his father, and you will stay here.
SARAH You had your chance.
CYNTHIA I don’t quite understand that dear.
SARAH Three years. Three years. I thought, maybe, if we lived here, if I tried, then it would work. But no. Have you once, ever, listened to me, Cynthia?
CYNTHIA Of course I have.
SARAH Where do I work?
CYNTHIA At the college, of course, dear.
SARAH What’s my title?
CYNTHIA I…well…
SARAH What do I do?
CYNTHIA I…it’s...accounting, you do accounting.
SARAH Three years. I’ve been here three years and you haven’t listened, really listened, to one word I’ve said the whole time I’ve been here. 66.
CYNTHIA That’s just not true, I...
SARAH So you had your chance.
CYNTHIA I didn’t know.
SARAH Why should I stay here, why should I raise my child here, why should I let anyone into my child’s life, who doesn’t listen to me or respect me?
CYNTHIA I didn’t know. I didn’t know it was a test.
SARAH It’s not like that.
CYNTHIA Then what is it? Three years, you say. You had your chance, you say.
SARAH Yes.
CYNTHIA Is this the way you treat Joe? Is this the way you treat everyone? By judging them.
SARAH No.
CYNTHIA Then give me another chance. Give Joe another chance. Stay here.
SARAH You’ve got to be kidding…
CYNTHIA I am not. I am very serious. I don’t want…I don’t want to be away from my grandson.
SARAH How do you know...
CYNTHIA Or granddaughter. I’ll convince Joe to work for his father. That’s what you want, isn’t it? To stay home, to…
SARAH Yes, but... 67.
CYNTHIA I know you hate it here. I know...I know I haven’t been the best…
SARAH Look, it’s not that...
CYNTHIA But I didn’t know! I can change. Joe can change.
SARAH Joe can change.
CYNTHIA Yes.
SARAH You think you can change Joe.
CYNTHIA I know I can. I know I will.
SARAH We leave next week.
CYNTHIA You can come back. You can cancel.
SARAH The truck comes Monday. The company has already paid for the truck.
CYNTHIA I’ll pay them back. I’ll do whatever. Think about it! You can stay at home. You can raise your children.
SARAH And you would…
CYNTHIA Do whatever you say.
SARAH How do I know.
CYNTHIA I promise.
SARAH It’s too late. 68.
CYNTHIA But...
SARAH No. Even with everything…you had your chance. It’s too late.
CYNTHIA I can’t believe you’re doing this.
SARAH Look, like I said, you’re welcome to come visit.
CYNTHIA I’ll cut you out. Both of you.
SARAH What?
CYNTHIA You heard me.
SARAH Richard wouldn’t.
CYNTHIA Richard will do what I tell him.
SARAH Joe…you’d do that to...
CYNTHIA It’s my money, anyway, and Richard…
SARAH You wouldn’t.
CYNTHIA You. Joe. All of you.
SARAH You mean...
CYNTHIA What about college? What about prep school? Isn’t that part of the plan?
SARAH We don’t need you. 69.
CYNTHIA Think about it.
SARAH You should go. Now.
CYNTHIA I mean it. I am as serious as I’ve ever ben.
SARAH We don’t need you.
CYNTHIA Yes, you do. And you know you do.
Exit Cynthia.
Sarah watches after her for a moment, then starts to put things away again. Stops, thinks, then pulls something out of her front pocket. It’s Bob’s card. Looks around, finds phone on the table, dials it.
ANSWERING MACHINE You have reached Golden Estates Developers. We’re not in the office right now, but your call is very important to us. Please leave a message.
SARAH Uhhh…Bob? This is a message for Bob. This is Sarah Walker...In the Grove. Can you call me? It’s about...the house. My house.
Joe pokes his head out of the front door. Sarah hangs up hastily.
JOE Is she gone?
SARAH Excuse me?
JOE Is she gone?
SARAH Were you…hiding?
JOE No. Not exactly. Yes. 70.
SARAH Really.
JOE I didn’t want her to ask me for the $100 you owe her.
SARAH Right.
JOE She’s evil, you know.
SARAH I do.
JOE What were you guys talking about.
SARAH Nothing.
JOE Really? Didn’t sound like it.
SARAH Were you listening?
JOE I couldn’t really hear. Mostly, it sounded like the Peanuts Parents. You know “wah, wahwah wah, wah.” You know, Charlie Brown?
SARAH Right.
JOE Except I don’t think they ever had a fight…
SARAH So you could hear…
Sarah, walking around the table, putting things away, notices the crib is gone.
JOE Be kinda funny if they did, though… “wah wawah wah wah…WAHAH WAH WAH!”
SARAH You could’ve come out. 71.
JOE I don’t think so. You got a hundred bucks out of her for oven mitts. You’re more than qualified to beard the dragon on your own.
SARAH You could’ve come out.
JOE What’d you guys talk about, anyway?
SARAH Where’s the pack&play?
JOE The what?
SARAH The crib. Shannon gave it to us. For Maine.
JOE ...I sold it.
SARAH No.
JOE It was out here! I didn’t know. You didn’t tell me.
SARAH It’s gone?
JOE A guy came by...gave me twenty dollars for it? Is that good?
SARAH You sold it.
JOE ...yes. I sold it. I didn’t know! You didn’t tell me.
The phone rings. The both look at it, afraid. Sarah picks it up, answers.
SARAH Hello? Who’s calling? Who? Never mind. Sorry. Hold on.
She hands the phone to Joe. 72.
SARAH It’s a telemarketer, I think.
Joe takes the phone.
JOE
Hello?
Joe turns away from Sarah...but Sarah can, obviously, still hear. Friday? No, it’s ok. Friday…Friday is good. Good. Good. Look, David, I’d love to chat, but it’s kinda a bad time… Bye. Thanks!
He hangs up.
SARAH Next week? Is that...what was that?
Joe takes a deep breath, looks down at the ground, anywhere but actually at Sarah.
JOE I got a job.
SARAH What?
JOE It’s a great job. I’ve been thinking...you know, how I’ve been into doing stuff for the environment?
SARAH Volunteering. You’ve talked about volunteering.
JOE I know, I know...but I was looking at stuff online, and found this job...it’s perfect for me. It’s so perfect. It’ll be great.
SARAH Does it have anything to do with the law?
JOE So I sent in a resume, you know, just on the off chance.
SARAH When were you going to tell me? 73.
JOE I was waiting…
SARAH They offered you a job.
JOE Yes.
SARAH Here in Miami.
JOE I…they want me to start Friday.
SARAH When were you going to tell me?
JOE I’m telling you now. They offered me the job this morning. I took it, figuring I could always tell them no if you didn’t think it was a good idea.
SARAH The truck comes on Monday! I start my job on Wednesday!
JOE I know.
SARAH In what universe would this be considered a good idea.
JOE This is it. I can feel it. This is, important, you know?
SARAH Our stuff is all packed.
JOE We can unpack it.
SARAH I took the job.
JOE You could stay home.
SARAH I took the job. 74.
JOE We could stay here, we could have kids, you could stay at home.
SARAH Stay here. Have a baby, here.
JOE Yes. Yes.
SARAH I’m not hearing this.
Bob enters.
BOB Moving sale!
SARAH Hello, Bob.
JOE You’re on my lawn, again.
Bob backs away...steps off lawn to just on the street.
BOB Right! Sorry. Uh…I, uh, got your message, Sarah.
SARAH Right now isn’t a great time.
JOE Message?
BOB Right. Tell you what, I’ll stop by later….
JOE Don’t bother. We’re not moving.
BOB But…then why…
SARAH Right now isn’t a great time.
BOB Right. 75.
SARAH I’ll call you.
JOE No you won’t.
BOB Ok. I’ll be talking to you then?
SARAH Yes.
BOB Ok. Ok. Have a good day!
Bob exits.
JOE You called him.
SARAH Your mom…
JOE What?
SARAH Your mom said she was going to cut us out.
JOE So?
SARAH No, she was serious. If we moved.
JOE What does she care?
SARAH She wants…she wants to be close to her grandchild. Her grandchildren.
JOE She said that? She said she was going to cut me out?
SARAH So I called him. 76.
JOE You shouldn’t have…we agreed.
SARAH And you shouldn’t have.
JOE But..we’ll be fine. We can stay here.
SARAH How much?
JOE What?
SARAH Did they offer you? How much?
JOE It’s..enough.
SARAH How much.
JOE $32,000 a year.
SARAH And I’m supposed to be able to stay home?
JOE Mom’ll help out.
SARAH We’d have to sell the house, get a smaller place.
JOE No! C’mon, it’ll be fine. Mom’ll help out, you’ll get something part-time, maybe…
SARAH Right. Part-time.
JOE Just for a while. Till I get promoted.
SARAH The truck comes on Monday.
JOE C’mon, Sarah.. Let’s do this. We can make it work. We’ve always made it work. 77.
SARAH For you. We’ve always made it work for you.
JOE That’s not fair.
SARAH You took the job.
JOE You called the guy.
SARAH So what do we do now?
JOE We can make it work. For both of us. We can.
SARAH Can we?
JOE I think we can.
A beat. She looks at him, shakes her head. Then...comes to a decision.
SARAH Ok.
JOE Ok?
SARAH Ok.
JOE Really?
SARAH Can you do me a favor, though?
JOE Anything.
SARAH I need…I need to take a walk. I need to think. Why don’t you…
JOE Why don’t I go inside and start unpacking? 78.
SARAH Unpacking. Yes. That’s good. You do that.
JOE We can make this work. We can.
SARAH Yes, Joe.
Joe heads inside. As he gets to the front door..
SARAH Joe?
JOE What?
SARAH I love you.
JOE I…love you too. Right back at ya.
Joe goes inside. Sarah turns away from him, in a daze.
The crazy guy on the bike comes back.
OLD MAN Got anything left?
SARAH Excuse me?
OLD MAN Most people, anything they got left, they give away.
SARAH Right. Yes. One thing I have left for sale.
She takes off her wedding ring, puts it on the table.
SARAH It’s pretty new. And in pretty good shape. I…had it cleaned a month ago, in fact.
OLD MAN I…you can’t be serious.
SARAH Waddya say — twenty dollars? 79.
OLD MAN I can’t take that.
SARAH Ten?
OLD MAN You’re crazy, lady.
SARAH Your loss. Five?
OLD MAN Think about what you’re doing.
SARAH I have. I am.
OLD MAN I…I can’t help you.
SARAH I know. I’m sorry.
OLD MAN Goodbye.
SARAH Goodbye.
The man leaves. Sarah watches him go. Turns around, takes one last look at the house, her house, their house. Puts her wedding ring on the Moving Sale table.
SARAH Goodbye.
She exits.
The End.