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It's not that we New Englanders are of a dour disposition. We are not naturally prone to find fault; nor is it my intention here to sound prudish. However September, which annually witnesses an almost bar- baric invasion of all 'the institutions we hold sacred, finds us in a state of absolute transrnorgification, overwhelmed by the superposition of the shallow, typically midwestern values over our own rich heritage. I became acutely aware of this wide divergency of values at our last Voo Doo board meeting; our mid-western sector, by sheer brutality, man- aged to direct the business-at-hand towards anything short of a consider- ation of the quality of the magazine itself. The first order of business included informing the staff of the fact that a new lock now graces the beer closet. The meeting went on to include a discussion of the pros and cons of: replacing the office phone with a pay station, discontinuing our noble gesture of keeping Cokes on ice, the possibilities of a beer-football game (modelled after last season's beer-baseball game), and engaging a more naive stripper at our impending smoker. , Clearly, if this trend keeps up, the mag is sure going to go com- pletely to pot. Such trivialities! . , Why, I still haven't got a replacement key to that damned beer closet! -C.B.F. SENIOR BOARD Charles B. Fink David C. Seidel Robert D. -b,:k)iclk -Editor General Manager Ma1/agirlg Editor JUNIOR BOARD Dave Markowib Ron ~ower Steve Freedman Jim Dow Literary Editor Art Editor Joke and Exchange Editor Features Editor Ted Korelin Mel Cohen Jim Fleming Norm Lerner Make-up Editor Sales Manager Advertising Manager Circulation Manager Alan May Ralph Brown Frank Brown Treasurer Publicity Ma1/ager o{fiee Manager ASSOCIATES Art Sales Publicity Make-up Circulation Gary Rosenthal Bill Alexander Ron Lieber Larry kaiden Chuck Gorodetsky Reg Griffith Carl Thomas Richard Hardy Don Gluck Mike Edelstein Jim Friedman Pete Samton Tom Jones Rudy Currimjee John Bastias Simon Pure Bob Turner Don Zalkin Ed Roberts Dick Westerhoff Phil Shaeffer Bill Ortung Mike Schneider Treasury Chuck Speer , Carla Lou Scholtz John Crews Irvin Stiglitz , AI Esbitt Rich Gottlieb Irv Gross Ed Tellerman Stan Cortel Features Dan Borenstein Jim kellard Larry Wright Ralph Dopmeyer Literary John Day Bob Hanson Jokes Elliot Framin • T I't Walt Ray Ron Maiden V IC ep I I G BI I. C A G II Leo Kelley Ph'l Plene OCII: • • e ar I ear e ' • • om . 0 B J. Rodger Rump John Ross AdvertISIng ce ave rown Launcelot J. Turtle Don Bayly Joe Brown Harry Salesky Ilene Regis Schultis Dan Fisher Hank Meltler AI Hoch Office Cat Mike Balderston John Podres Ed Agranat Dan Borenstein Phosphorous

All material submitted with a stamped, self-addressed envelope to the literary Editor, at this office. will receive careful consideration. © 1955, by the VOO 000 Senior Board. Published by the Senior Board for the Students of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Office: 303 Walker Memorial, Cambridge 39, Mass. Office Hours: 4:30 to 5:30 P.M., Monday through Friday. Published monthly from October to May. Twenty-five cents a copy. Subscription: $2.00 for Eight Issues. $53.00 in Pago Pago. Entered as second class matter at the Post Office at Cambridge, Mass. MIT

THE Friday night of the All ONE of our acquaintances, a THE week before registration Tech Acquaintance Dance, I physicist with a slight flair is intended for the freshmen met the most appetizing girl I for poetry of the Ogden Nash to become acquainted with MIT. have ever seen (in the flesh or on variety, was the proverbial tool be- Being upperclassmen, my room- the screen). After summoning up fore he fell in love. She was a mate and I decided it would be courage, I ventured towards her sweet young Boston girl, and she nice to invite some freshmen into and blurted out, "Wouldyouliketo- completely captivated him. He our room and entertain them. So dance?" To my amazement, she went out more and more, and his we called over the .lrosh from accepted. We danced. marks got lower and lower. We across the hall and some of their As the music ebbed and she all warned him of the evils.of the friends. As we sat around the turned away from me, I hurriedly fair sex, but he wouldn't listen. table playing cards, guzzling whis- asked her for her phone number. There was nothing we could do key, consuming cigarettes, oiling "It's in the phone book," she for him any longer. slide rules, etc., one of the frosh replied. She went far away to college, spied a small blue box reposing on "That's fine, but what's your and soon the inevitable letter my roommate's desk. After read- name?" I queried. came. But our hero was not de- ing the label, he exclaimed, "No- "My name? Why, that's in the spondent. Instead, he kept his Doz, who needs No-DOl around phone book too," and she glided sense of humor arid reverted to his here?" mistily away. poetry. A week later he handed us a poem that read: You used to be my only dream before you went away; For you alone my eyes would gleam; each night for you I'd BUDDY of mine who had A PAL of mine tells thIS story pray. A lost five dollars apiece on, about the same dance. Seems But now that you have cast a doubt each of the previous five Yankee he met this hot little number right about your love for me, _ World Series finally decided to off the bat and spent the entire My love for you has dampened wise up. So he bet three weeks of evening with her. Other fellows out Quite exponentiallv, commons desserts on the Dodgers. cut in on them but she disposed And he went right back to being As the Series drew on to its stir- of them by saying she had made a tool. ring climax, his smug assurance enough acquaintances for one gave way to nervous frustration. night. Toward's Good Night, Finally, as the last ground ball Sweetheart time, the music became HILE walking through the was gobbled up by Reese, he re- soft and agonizingly slow as the W Baker House dining room on signed himself to the task ahead. lights drifted into the shadow. chow rnein day, we were greeted Now his friend is holding him Closer and closer they danced until by an unusual sight. One group stringently to the rules of the bet their swaying was a perfect har- of students, all imbibing unsweet- and making sure that every last mony of motion. ened tea by the cupful, were, in drop of both desserts is forced Suddenly she straightened up, their finest Oriental style, bran- -down the unwilling throat. cast out a look of incredible dishing the most potent sets of There is a moral to this- tale shock' and blurted out, "My God, chopsticks we will ever hope to which I have not .as yet formu- must you Techmen always carry see. Which shows that western lated due to the gruesomeness of your sliderules around in your decadence has not completely sub- the details. And he wanted so pockets with you?" iuzated the American scholar, much to lose weight this term. HE acquaintance dance season .IT seems as though advertising ACK of confidence and lack of T is on in full swing again this has hit the nation by storm. Lsportsmanship; that's wh~t we year. But no matter how good they Why, when we drove up to school, call it. It seems to us that an inno- are, none will ever surpass last we couldn't see the road for the cent affair such as a V00 Doo year's Baker House Acquaintance billboards. However, we got our smoker could proceed for once un- Dance. By some 'clerical error, or greatest shock when we walked molested. Being solely for the pur- maybe by ..the enthusiasm of the into Baker House and glanced at pose of acquainting freshmen with Boston girls, .there turned out to the bulletin board. Right in the the magazine and its policies, it be four girls to every boy. We had middle was a 3 by 5 'card, dated seems apparent that the smoker to rush a call to the fraternities for and bearing the following mes- could have accomplished this help. About 11:00 I picked out a sage: without any outside intercession girl and asked her up to my room Theoretical physicist wanted to whatsoever. In addition, being a ,to see my designs. By the way, I collect garbage in Westgate. Must form of freshman guidance pro- have the most gorgeous designs; have knowledge of Fermi-Dirac gram, it should have be~n un?er you'll all have to come up and see statistics. Others need not apply. the protection of the orientatron them some day. Needless to say, we didn't ap- councilor TCA or some other While we were commenting up- ply. such organization concerned with on the designs, Iheard a soft knock the subject. on the door and' a female voice Considering after all that we calling my name. Istraightened my are members of the family and tie and answered the door. There trying our darndest to be entirely stood three girls who quickly sur- whole men, why this display of E invaded the office one veyed the room. Then one of them 'w Monday morning to discover disavowel? Frankly we're dismay- exclaimed, "This is the fourth ed-uncontainably and unequivo- the following terse admonition room we've visited, and so far tacked upon the beer closet door: cably dismayed. every room has had a girl in it." Oct. 1, 1955 "Why not," I commented, as I You Bastards!! closed the door. "They come with Here I come three hundred miles the room." for a lousy brew, and when I get As I returned to my etchings, I here, I find you've changed the could hear them knocking on the goddam lock!! . door of the next room. What a hell of a way to treat an old, managing editor. For shame. Bitterly, Art Solomon

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Sue: "I just can't get over you." Brew: "Then I guess I'll have to, g,et up and an- Special Rates to Students swer the phone."

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Exasperated by the inability of the chorus to learn the routine, the director exploded in a blistering tirade in which he not only assailed the young ladies' The Store Is As Clo.e As Your Phone intelligence, but also their moral character. One beauty left the theatre in tears, and reappeared the next day at rehearsal with a medical certification of her virginity. 599 Massaehusetts Ave. Central Square "This doesn't prove a thing!" the director snorted. "It's dated yesterday!" We Cater Especially to M.I.T. Students Open Evenings Until 10:00 P.M. ELiot 4-3678 A city smarty was driving on a country road when he came upon a farm boy chasing a big pig. "Say, there, Sonny," he asked, "what is the sex of that hog you're driving?" "Don't know," replied the lad. "I reckoned no one BARBECUE CRICKEN would be interested in the subject' cept another hog." We Cater to Student Parties

The In. fantry patro11was on maneuvers in the desert. The ai i.was still and hot, the terrain arid and parched 37 Pearl Street and not a drop of water. Time was called for a break. One recruit sat idly on a stone, his head in his hands. Central Square EL 4-9808 "What's the matter with him?" asked the sergeant. "Homesickness," answered. a private. "We've all got that" "Yes, but his is worse than for most of us-his Discounts Range From 20% to 40% father owns a tavern." Refrigerators - Televisions - Phonographs New, Used, and Retreaded Tires, etc. WORW TIRE CO. 94 Massachusetts Ave. j opposite Tech Open Tuesday, Thursday and Friday "May I have this dance?" Evenings till 9 p.m.' "I'm sorry, but I never dance with a child," she KI 7-6847 KI 7-6848 said, with an amused smile. "Oh, a thousand pardons," he said. "I didn't know your condition." 000 ~ 5

Judge-Now tell the court how you came to take the car. BANQUET FACILITIES AVAILABLE Accused-Well, the car was parked in front of Pizza - Steaks - Spaghetti - Ravioli the cemetery, so naturally I thought the owner Cacciatore - Chicken was dead. A SNACK TO A FULL COURSE DINNER

M. E.: "Give me a cigarette, Joe." ITALIAN-AMERICAN RESTAURANT C. E.: "I thought you're giving up smoking." Meal Tickets Available 10% Discount 1\1. E.: "Well, I've reached the first stage. I don't 11-12 Daily 21 Brookline St., Cambridge, Mass. buy them anymore." 12-12 Sunday off Mass. Ave.

A customer went into a barber shop. "What's Tel. KIrkland 7-7485 Z. S. SEGAL the idea of your hands being so dirty?" he asked the barber. "N obody's had a shampoo today," confessed the SEGAL'S BODY SHOP barber. APPRAISER OF AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENTS Expert Body and Fender Repairing Duco Refinishing How come you were born in Oklahoma? Well, you see, I wanted to be near my mother. 306 Massachusetts Ave. Cambridge, Mass.

"Father," said the small boy, "what is a dema- gogue?" "A demagogue, my son, is a man who can rock We Cater To Tech Men the boat himself and persuade everybody that there is a terrible storm at sea." .euJ Camera Supply Co. The main reason why men get up at night brought the following results: 428 Massachusetts Ave. 10ro to raid the ice box Central Square TR 6-8883 15ro to visit the bathroom Developing and Printing on Premises 75% to go home.

"I had an operation and the doc left a sponge in me." "Got any pain?" Charlie Mun "No, but, boy, do I get thirsty." LAUNDRY 1 Complete Laundry Seruice A lush answered his doorbell and called back, 88 MASS. AVE. Telephone .ilfsh the milkman." BOSTON KE 6-9472 "Tell him nothing today," said his .pal. "There'sh nothing left in the house to mix it with." Recently while listening to a re­ in such epicurean delights as cream th~ spacious well-ventilated sports­ cord of 'Count Your Blessings', I of chicken chow mein prepared man's casino apartment conve­ was lifted into the realization that not too creamy, not too chickeny, by nIently situated on the third floor many of us here at'the Institute are experienced Italian chefs on the of Walker. All the comforts of completely unaware of the self­ premises. The motif of the Baker home and remember this is new" sufficiency, of the variety, of the House meal is an unusual one. all new, made possible only by a very glamor existing within the One is invited 'to take a tour of the deluge of requests. Unmistakably boundaries of thp. MIT community. serving counter with his tray and fostering a new high in community Aware als(\ of the fact that many select the food of his taste as it spirit and good fellowship, the of us who have worked during appears before him stewing in its proximity of this apartment to the summer and are now engulfed very own juices. Yes, that's real Pritchett Lounge allows such lux­ wi~hin a fall-spring vacation will butter 'and all you want up to two. uries as breakfast in bed and mid­ have excess time on our hands and That's right, all the squash you night snacks. Equipped with adja­ in addition scores of new and un­ can eat. And as you dine in i~com- . cent toilets, showers and storage familiar faces will adorn the cam­ parable luxury, white frocked gar­ facilities, the Walker Arms boasts pus, I have decided to dedicate my cons drive their convertibles by a staff of professional hygienists first article to a description of the and offer you More, more, more. and masseurs, etc on the pre~ises places to go and the things to do But who could possibly ask for who commute incidentally to the on Tech by Tech and for Tech. more? Incidentally-as some of you cage. One cannot overemphasize may have noticed, Baker currently the convenience with respect to exhibits a part of the old look in swimming, boating and other Places to dine: For convenience forms of athletics.' Many people and satisfaction nothing surpasses Walker. After these mouth watering de­ were astonished to learn of. the the elegant Walker Memorial Dine scriptions one needs hardly men-. closeness of their quarters to e.g. and Dance hall. The atmosphere tion the renowned -Third. Estate the basketball facilities. But it's created by two immense arti~tic Room or as it is affectionately true. creations overlooking two rows of dubbed The Commons Room of The seventh' floor of Baker majestic pillars is sustain~d by the the Graduate House. Also since House is without a doubt the haunting strains Qf an organ play­ one has not been a freshman liv­ quietest floor in any dorm we have ing your favorite dinner music. ing in Burton House for so long, yet to find. We'assure you that you Only the magic of stereophonic one has forgotten the many happy will receive no complaints from sound could cajole the casual lis­ hours of repast in this delightful the neighbors concerning your hi tener into believing that the music and congenial chamber. Anyone fi set. is issuing from overhtad. This who does though will certainly The great court holds the high­ great dining hall has just under­ est 'rating for hot spring nights. gone a complete refurnishing and confirm all I could possibly say This rating is somewhat lowered we may marvel at the new look in about it and perhaps add a little on his own. in winter. Walker Memorial. More exclusive quarters such as Offering the best in food at a room in' one of the houses bor­ moderate prices is what the French Places to sleep: At reasonab'le dering upon the scenic Charles might call La Maison Boulangere, rates and with the calm assurance lik~ have a long, waiting list as many but, alas, there's nothing this that you will long remember your have neglected to" confirm their in . Baker House specializes stay, we present for your approval reservations. We assure you the 7

wait is well worth it. Ask the off-handedly attending lectures by merits, may my parting words be an freshman who has your room. reasona?ly popular professors; urge to take advantage of your early bud performances begin at privileges as a member of the MIT 8 AM while night owls end at family and follow up the sugges- .Places to be entertained: May we 10 PM. Use this only as a last re- tions appearing above. merely mention the following as sort. examples of places to-go for relax- ation and enjoyment on and Dave MarkoU'itz .Places to shop: Almost all your around campus for one or two friends have something .to sell. alone. Full descriptions are beyond Half .of mine are peddling ties, the scope of this article and would carry us into the next issue. The !he. o~h.er ~~l£ lamps. Me, I push VD) think It s a good thing to have A Negro preacher faced his scenic bus route down Mass. Ave.; around, never miss an issue. congregation with indignation. races in the Charles (crew is the Easily the shopping mecca on ~'Too much he-ing and she-ing go- matinee; it has not yet satisfactor- campus is the Coop. Veteran of Ing on," he says. "Too much he- ily been determined just what type many a. competitive siege, their ing and he-ing and too much she- of ~essel competes during the Secret of success is charging 150/0 ing and she-ing. All you who have evenmg performance but it never- more on the chance of a 1010 re- sinned like this leave." Left in the theless has its fans) for which lots bate. The salesmanship of this ven- hall was just one man. "Ah," said of free parking is provided; worm- erable establishment allows it" al.. the preacher. "A child of purity, a ing in summer (i.e. fishing for Ways to run .out of just the book son of heaven." "Oh, no," said worms) and icefloe dodging in you ar~ required to have for your the man, "you didn't mention me- winter; free nightly concert with most vital course and force you to ing and me-ing." big name performers in the Hay- buy substitute until that one is in den music library; bring a date to a and to. maintain stock only the the nightly gymnastics of a course In next hIgher priced drawing set and viii senior attempting a fall thesis; T-square to the one you had iii "Speaking of bathing in famous auditorium extravaganzas with a mind. springs, I bathed in the spring continuous show daily and late The barbers in the Coop are very of '86." shows Friday and Saturday (the astute individuals and undoubted- same show was held over by popu- ly all are opera experts. This will lar request for the summer months no doubt account for their faraway and no one repeat no one left un- expressions while they are clipping A bank robber entered a bank happy); for those who prefer a your locks. How else can you ex- with a gun in hand, ordering more intimate atmosphere, the plain the result? everyone to lie Rat on the .floor. identical show is held simultan- ~ cute little stenographer ques- eously with a different cast in the honed him, saying, "What is this, little theater. For those who can Without further encumbering a bank robbery or a board of di- find nothing else to do we suggest the reader with needless argu- rectors meeting?"

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A grave-digger, absorbed in his A doctor was discussing a medi- A Techman had been arrested thoughts, dug a grave so deep he cal problem with the woman con- for selling illegal whiskey. As he could not get out. Came nightfall cerned. She was complaining .that stood before the bench the color and his predicament became more her husband did not have as of his nose was evident to all spec- and more uncomfortable. He much drive as he had during the tators. His attorney rose. shouted for help, and at last at- honeymoon. "Look at the defendant," he tracted the attention of a drunk. Doctor: Could you tell me, said, "can you honestly say he "Get me out of here," he Madam, how old you are? looks like a man who would sell shouted. "I'm cold." Patient: Why, I'm eighty-eight. whiskey if he had it?" It took the "No wonder ~you're cold," the Doctor: And how old is your jury less than one minute to bring inebriated one said. "You haven't husband? a not guilty verdict. any dirt on you." Patient: He's ninety-two. Doctor: When did you first no- tice these symptoms? Patient: Last night ... and again this morning. She wouldn't stay out so late if 'Are you a Radcliffe student?" the boys didn't make. her. "No; a horse stepped on my face."

"Come back to bed, John. You'll Parked car, moonlight night . . . find that collar button in the morn- "Goodness! she exclaimed. "It's "Sir, you gave the same test last ing:' three o'clock. I Should have been quarter." "Who the hell's looking for a in hours ago!" "That's all right," answered the collar button?" "So should I," he murmured prof, "I've changed the answers." disgustedly.

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Riley: "Hello, is this the Salva- Shall we sit in the parlor? tion Army?" No, I'm tired. Let's play tennis. Voice: "Yes. Riley: "Do you save bad women?" Voice: "Yes:" Riley: "Well, in that case save me a couple for Saturday night." During the holidays, two stu- dents from the same town met back in the old burg. "Say," asked the first, "Aren't you working your way through Lesbian, a pansy without a stem. school?" "Yes," replied the second. "I'm editor of the college humor mag- azine, but don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm bootlegging gin." "Madam, may I see your daugh- ter.i" "No; get out and stay out!" "But madam, see this badge? UBut John, It Turns Just Like I'm respectable. I'm a detective." The Poynting Vector" She: "What's the matter? Don't "Oh, I'm sorry; come right in. you love me any more?" I thought at first it was a fraterni- Techrnan "Sure I do. I'm just ty pin." resting."

FOR YOUNG MEN WHO GET AROUNDI WHITE BUCKSKINS WITH THICK RED RUBBER SOLES

BY MANSFIELDS and by young men we're re- ferriog to young men of aU ages. This university-styled White Buck has far outgrown its campus bounds and is now found on many of the best abod feet in toWD! Realisti- cally pricedl $10.95 TE-CH COOP ADN.O.C. PRITHEE, KINiD SIR, A QUERY

(In the Classical Tradition)

I want to ask a question, sir, About this vacuum tank: Should we integrate, precipitate, Dear harbinger of morning, Or should we. turn the crank? Dawn's messenger of Knowledge, Who drives the clouds of sleep A note upon this passage, sir, From our eyes, Concerning "rn" and "a"- Or, by gentle talk, What kind of conservation law Lulls us back Is F bound to obey? Into the waiting arms of Mor- pheus; A thought occurs at this point, sir, Who summons us I beg a boon of you- Mid Chanticleer's first call, Tell me, did Thucydides And guides us Row on the Henly crew? Safely across the raging torrent Into the hallowed halls of truth, I am, insooth,bewildered, sir, Ere hibernian Apollo's Golden About this "mean free path"- Chariot If Ex and -Ey, Hass gilded the misty hill; Then how ~he Grapes of l¥'Yrdth? Whilst the Philosopher, Our distinguished Pedagogue, Now that the final's over, sir, Hastens still dewy-eyed, I fain would speak with thee- Toward the Trysting-place; Even though I screwed it up, To Thee, a Nine O'Clock Class, Might I not get an E? We sing: Drop Dead!! Mike Balderston

P.A. T.

ODE TO A TOAD

As Oliver WendeJ Beauregard Oh, blast the cask and raise crossed the quay. the mast To him, a voice did say, This is certainly the last. Two cats and .a dog were Now, I must have for my drowned today repast In tbe muck of the great Two snails.and a dill pickle. brown sea. FRA TERNITY PINS HOME THOUGHTS OF ABROAD

Simmons is Simmons Have you ever seen a greater sin And WeHesley is WeHesley Than that presented by a fraternity pin For Friday and Saturday night. And Radcliffe on Sunday, When worn with great affection and/or trust Then Charlesgate on Monday. On a gay young girl's thrust forth bust. My God! No more money in sight.

Think to yourself of the great gasp Had it been placed by him with open clasp,

Or think of our young man's surprise ." Had it been placed on a product of Goodyear 111 disguise.

I think young women miss a great bet REFLECTIONS UPON EDUCATION If it's young men's eyes they wish to get

On that prize token Usually representative of something broken. At Mass. Inst. of Tech., so I hear, We train for a scientific career. I think Fraternity Pins a craze They teach us quite much Or an excuse to dress up the gaze About physics and such, But we learn only hoy; to drink beer. That's forthcoming anyhow To women built like a vertical cow. )

That thing that breaks the air And leads the way of someone fair

Whom it's apparent, thinks that the best Is not the pin,. but. is her breast. DRAGNET

But I have thought my fondest dream Is to see apin on a. stocking seam, . There was a detective from Munche For, as any damn fool knows, . Who arrested a murderous bunch. In winter, time, that's the only place that shows. Here's how it was done: He pulled out his gun, Instead of just playing a hunch. Anon.

D.A.B. Summer Serenade

Boston gets hot during the summer. And Jim's "Can't you see this isn't education?" he yelled, room was always ten degrees hotter than Boston. The "This is atrophy, lethargy, and decadence." three of them were sitting around reading back hu- Phil unobtrusively went to sleep. manities assignments. The house was silent; a blanket Sighing "I am not my brother's keeper," Clyde of torrid humidity precluded motion, Even the om- walked alone into the night. It was no cooler, but nipresent moths moved listlessly, and the mosquitoes here there was space, freedom, and the unknown. He walked around on the desks too tired to fly. Occasion- thought of himself as the hero in an 0 Henry short ally this static equilbrium was broken by the entrance story searching for adventure. One misunderstood of the sadist in the next room who had an air-eon- youth against the big wicked city. .ditioner and a refrigerator. He would wander in And so he walked the streets of Boston, certain every twenty minutes or so, carrying one beer, borrow that somewhere in the night excitement waited: In-' the church key; and then take his beer back to his different to what, he only desired that something of room. After a solemn moment of silent swearing, note should happen. the trio would return to the humanities assignments. It is kinder to leave him here and let him walk For five hours they had been reading novels and alone. For we know that the closest he came to adven- short stories by various authors famed far and wide ture was when he tripped over his shoe lace putting for their ability to write about life. Suddenly Clyde a small, but noticeable, tear in his last pair of decent threw his book across the room, breaking one of the slacks and causing two old ladies, sitting on the steps fraternity's windows, and denting (he was reading of an apartment house, to look up from their gossip "War and Peace") the hood of a Chevvy parked out- and titter with polite, but unmistakable, derision. side. We find him again two hours later, tired, thirsty, "Let's stop reading about life and go out and live worried about the studying he didn't have done, and it," he shouted. longing for the woman he hadn't had all summer. . The other two stared at him without comprehen- After thinking for a couple of minutes he decided sion. there were two things he had to have: water, gallons "Let's stop sitting here and rotting," he screamed. of it, and a woman. He decided the water would be "Let's go out and see if mankind is still around." easier to get and headed for a drug store. Then he Jim burped softly. realized his mistake. Drug stores don't give the thirst- DOO ~ 13 lng wayfarer water; they sell things. You can't walk The young lady had come to New York to study into a drug store and ask for water. art and, with her parents' reluctant consent, to main- He sat at the counter. tain her own apartment in the big city. There was one A repulsive looking creature of indeterminate sex rule; she wasn't to allow young gentlemen to come and age wearing a filthy apron gave him a suspicious to her maidenly rooms. look and threw a "What' s Yours?" at him. During the customary Sunday night long-distance .A fifty pound block of ice, hollowed out in the· call. the daughter described in great detail the party center and filled with the clear water of a rapidly run- she had been to the night before and the wonderful ning brook. "Hot fudge sundae with vanilla ice young man who had escorted her. cream." "You didn't have that man in your apartment, did It was brought. It was lousy. Clyde ate mechanic- you?" demanded the suspicious mother. ally. A girl sat down beside him. He could tell what "Oh no, mother. We went to his apartment," she wanted. Here was the woman he had been long- answered the dutiful daughter. "Let his mother ing for and the adventure he had been searching for. worry!" . He drooled hot fudge down his chin. All he had to do was say something to her. They would chat for -a minute, then go some place for a drink or two, then they'd go up to his room or her 1. room or any room. All he had to do was say some- thing to her. Cactus Ike: "When I opened the door of my stove He could even try asking her for a napkin so he a mouse jumped out." . could wipe the puddles of hot fudge off his neck. Pyranees Pete: "Did you shoot him, podner?" He suddenly realized he couldn't do it and hated Cactus Ike: "Of course not; he was out of my himself even more than he hated his humanities in- range." structor. He stumbled out the door, swearing at him- self under his breath and furtively wiping at the hot fudge with the sleeve of his white shirt. . Slowly his rage and shame evaporated and was re- placed by the dull ache customary with normal, red- This happened before the war. The courtship was blooded American, frustrated young men. a whirlwind one. It had to be because the-groom was Suddenly he began to laugh; he hadn't even gotten a young American business man whose career was in a glass of water. V· T li China and he had to return to his job in Shanghai. IC ep ttz But his quick wooing was forceful and successful and within a matter of days he and his bride were honey- mooning on a Pacific luxury liner. Sentry: "Halt! Who goes there?" En route he described the wonderful life she would Voice: "You wouldn't recognize me anyway. I'm have in China and he particularly stressed the won- new here." ders of Wu Sing, his No 1 houseboy who managed everything from cooking to housekeeping. It was evening when the bride was carried over the threshold of her new home and was introduced After six months of marriage, and of hope, the Wu the Wonderful.' It was altogether an ecstatic young bride began to wonder if maybe there wasn't evening. some physical or chemical reason why she could not N ext morning the groom, anxious to check in at his seem to become pregnant. So when she saw an ad office after so long an absence, left his bride in bed. for a product called "Baby Aid" she rushed right Kissing her tenderly he said, "You just stay where down to the drug store and asked for a bottle. you are, darling. Lounge around as long as you wish. While the druggist was wrapping it, she asked, There's nothing for you to do. Wu Sing will take care "Who takes it? Me? Or my husband?" of everything!" So, smiling, the young wife went Catching the significance of the question, the drug- back to sleep. gist paused, unwrapped the bottle and, patting his al- A little later she was awakened. Wu was shaking most-customer's hand, said, kindly, "I'm sorry, my her, smiling broadly, and saying, "Come along, Missy. dear. This you rub on-the baby!" . Time to put your clothes on and go along home!" �--

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I I l 17

There's only one fault with life. There are so many women and so little time.

Baker: "I went out last night with a girl who really had something." Burton: "So?" Baker: "I think I've got it."

Taxes, of course, arc a perpetual thorn in the side of the wealthy. A member of the class of '19 at Princeton had a hard time persuading two of his wealthiest classmates to join him in promoting a new corporation that he hoped would earn a fortune. Both agreed the enterprise looked good, but pointed out that, because of taxes, it meant nothing more to them than additional headaches. "I know," agreed the promoter', "but you two are my oldest friends, and 1 wouldn't feel right about going into this deal without you." "All right," agreed the wealthier of the two re- luctantly, "but one thing must be distinctly under- stood in advance. If we make the money you predict -you have to keep it."

The Hampshire Press, Inc.

OFFSET - LETTER P.RES'S

Completely equipped to render 'the Highest .Quality Crafstmanship and Service in All Printing Requirements.

28 Carleton Street Cambridge. Mass.

Tel. KIrkland 7-0194 "'s It Bad, Doc?" " , . "'- ... .,. - - _ / _ ..::. ... .,~. ;.. J

'. • • -t • :. • ".. .' . - .."

t---:--I--,-I-, 1 '.. r 1 -1--- J- 1 Who are these men wearing funny hats? It looks . I I 1-' dS thouqh they are having a good time. I bet they are rich. Why are they looking at the girl that I ---L--.-J -.-L ~ay? Who is she? ---.------;;-, \ ) 1 -\ -t' J~

Isn't he queer. He must be reading a fascinating He is obviously a person who wields kingly power, book. Look how he underlines everything with pink a leader of great social institutions. I wonder what pencil. I wonder what his friends think of him. he is asking that little girl. .. .::..-::::- _.-

.. Ob.viously this person is a great scholar. look at What powers of concentration he shows. He must all the Greek letters around. He seems to have be observing some wonderful phenomenon of na- collected a good deal of money. probably to ture. continue his researches.

-'---

These men in grey suits must be A.S.P.C.A. mem- bers. The.re are five of them taking care of one little sheep. Who is this oddity? a deviate from true society. See how .he munches mangoes and fixes the Jaguar .with his toes. What could he possibly do to make a living?

Oh! Oh! Who are these people looking at me? It looks like a committee of some sort. They must be !nt~i..n~ti~nal.se!.es.They look so serious. An Hutonc Announcement to MlUic-Lovera..from the Directon of tile He: "Darline I love you as no Worid-FomolU Gan-Hi!Sci£ty one has ever loved before."

She: "I can't see much differ- TO INTRODUCE YOU TO AN aXCITING MUSICAL EXPERIENCE, YOU'RE INVITED TO ACCEpt ence."

ALL· TIME A doughnut is a cookie that' s GREAT had it.

Not $1 each - but $J fOR ALL TEN I 1 SEND NO MONEYI NO STRINGS. - As the saying' goes, whether ATTACHED! you're rich or poor it's always nice Even if you never buy another record from us ;~- to have money. Whether you're -now or later-you can handsome or ugly, it's always nice now obtain all th~ ad- to have a face. Whether you're a vantages of a Trial Mem- Ii \ bership in The Jazztone '" L,~ ;7, male or female. it's always nice ... Society ~"~)I~"""'-~j;JZJ _ A TREASURY· OF JAZZ PERFORMANCES,'• ENCOMPASSING EVERY JAZZ ERA- Featurln9 such classics as Jelly Roll Blues. Honeysuckle Rose, Basin Street Blues, KING O. THI TlNOI SAX Moon Burns, Relaxin' at Camarillo, etc, The reformer cried out: Adul- OW you can begin to build that library of the "all· Ntime greats" of Jazz - without risking a penny! ·tery is as .bad as murder, am I not . Simply audition these 10 superb jazz cia sics for 5 days GENIUS 0, THI KITIOAID . in your own home. Then. if you decide to keep them, right Sister Antonia? pay NOT $1 each - b ut $1 for all ten 01 tbem I Here's a veritable "who's who" of Jazzdom from Sidney .I can't say, I haven't killed any- Becher to the dazzling crumpet of ! Everv era. every style; virtually the entire hi. tory of one. ·ThE.S'IIIT 0' DIXIILAND' AND HIS GUllAR jazz 'can he traced in these selections. The finest in Jozz Recordings - Yours SID'III IIOBIT ot More Thon 40% Off the Usuol Costl NEW OIUANS' GREATIST SO'IANO SAX Here is why we make this amazing otfer: only by hearing these jazzrone Society recordings can you appre- ciate their technical and artistic excellence. their amaz- ing fidelity, The famous Concert Hall Society gold- WORLD'S MOST PO'ULAI IAZZ PlAN 1ST sputtered master process, employed in these recordings, assures you of the finest high-fidelity reproduction. .-'1s a Trial Member, you will never be under any DIIZY GILLESPIE obligation to buy any other JAZZTONE SOCIETY DAZZLING '.or TIUMPIT recordings-e-eew or eoer l You do have the right, how- First bride: "Does your husband ever. to try any of the Society's selections. AFTER receiving an "advance description. You are not obligated snore in his sleep?" to keep those you select-et'en afler you've /islened to DIAN 0' "SWING' PlAN(STS them! You pay only for those that you want to keep- Second bride: "I don't know yet. at the special Member's low price of just $2.75. plus a few cents for shipping, for each l2-inch lonft-playing We've only been married three THI CLAIINET IN CHICAGO STTU disc! Each one averagl~ nearly an hour's playing time I Iisaving of over 40% 08 tbeir usua! retail price] days." . Offe, Limlted- MAN WHO PLAYS THI ILUI TROMIONI Rush Coupon NOW' Here's your chance to be THI .AIULOUS ' .. III" ON ALTO SAX first to own these 10 "gems of jazz"-FOR JUST $1-even AND INCLUDING: Rex Stewart, , if JOu never "uy anolher rec- Albert Nlcholal, FUp Ph1lllps, B1lly Taylor, or from Ihe Jazzlone Society, Mllt Hinton, Sonny Berman, B1ll HarrIs, Serge If not delighted return your Chaloft, Ralph Burna, Chuck Wayne, Artie Jazz ClaSSICS- pay nothing, Bernstein, Don Lamond, Fernando Arbelo, "Do you think John will still , Sid Catlett, Slam Stewart, owe nothing. This offer may Wardell Gray, Howard McGhee. Dodo Marma- soon be withdrawn, so mail rosa, Barney Kessell, Jo Jones, , the coupon-NO MONEY- love me after we're married'?" Bud Freeman, George Wettl1n" etc., etc. withoul delay I "Sure. He's crazy about married women." ;:4UJOfOR$"i:oo-:MAiicOUPON---NO-MONE;-NOWll I Ihe Jantone Society, Dept..... T-IO 43 West 6ht Street, New York 23, N. Y. I 1 Please send me the ten hllh-ftdel1ty lon,- at any time. In the future, for each selection I decide I playing Jazz classics listed above, PLUS a free to keep - I w1ll pay the special member's low price COpyof "An Introduction to Jazz." Also reserve of Just $2,75 plus few cents shipping ..• a ~avinl1 I I a Trial Membership In my name. After 5 days 01 over 40% oil their usual retail price1 I free trial I w1ll either return these recordlnss LIMIT: On. sampl. packag. p.r cUltom.r. • I ~~~~~tO~V fMl.(P1US• few cents shipping) as I I In~:lfr~~t f~~lg~~~fe~~.br ::.' t~t~e:c:..~~or:~ Name , , , , . , , , .. , (PLEAsE' PRii,iT') I Tech man pouring drink: I :~"n~~cIex::;c~~~t~~y a;f t~~~~f~~n~~llh:~~~C:: Address , . , , . , , , .. , , . , . , . , , , , , , . , , , . , , I

Say when. I' ______~Ijt~~u;n~a:~~:rd~n:~~ror~ o~d:tt~~ei :ec~~~ ~-- ,~~I~ I it. And I may cancel my Trial Membership City .. , ""., .Zone State , , , .. , .. B.D.: Now, L Disorder and· Early Sorrow

.Atter you have had the dubious distinction of sur- in a new roommate! Nothing is so fraught with dan- viving Tech for three years, you develop, as many ger. Dealing with a power-mad Russian in a "high thousands before you have no doubt done, an im- level conference is less nerve-wracking and demand- pregnable indifference to genius, quizzes, homework, ing. and sex-by no means in that order. It was therefore And so, my summer thoroughly ruined, I returned without the least bit of trepidation or anxiety that I to school. Coming up face to face with the danger accepted my roommate's demise as a roommate. We suddenly destroyed my inured calmness. Slightly ap- had shared many moments together. In fact, we had prehensive, I gingerly opened the door to the shared 2 years of moments together. Recalling the wretched little sweat-shop called home for 8 miser- hour upon hour of suffering and laughs could almost able months a year. There was no one.in it-s-but one bring a small but highly concentrated tear to my eye. closet was filled with clothes and upon a hanger were But, as I have said, emotion has become a physical many Joe-College type ties. The desk, however, was impossibility. Like Pavlov's dogs (a very banal ana- the clincher; for upon it was a publication entitled logy, but one of the few with which a bare majority The Social Beaver. It had been my unutterable mis- of T echmen is familiar) we are conditioned to accept fortune to be stuck with a lowly freshman. Instantly, the illogical, the unusual, and the improbable. pictures were conjured up in my mind: My roomie has been evicted by the Dean of Some- The room is filled with the unbearable stench of thingorother, who, as it turns out, is responsible for tear gas. The windows are closed for fear of allowing throwing students out of the dormitory and into the an entry for water bombs .or mariahs. Freshie and I street. I did not object to this action because I was work fiendishly to mop up the water steadily seeping unaware of the events that" had transpired. Fasci- in through the cracks around the door. Sheets are nated, I undertook to determine the reason. stripped from our beds in an attempt to stem the This was no difficult task. Everyone, even the re- tide. Finally, half dead from chemical warfare, ex- motest strangers upon the street, knew the reason. hausted from mopping, Freshie tears open the door My roommate had neglected to send in his acceptance and rips viciously into the mob of frenzied Sophs card. hungrily awaiting him. The mob pours in around us. I had to stifle a small chuckle, for I clearly recalled Freshie screams. I flash my ring. Quiet. They fall how extraordinarily busy my roommate had been, try- back, disappearing. But Freshie is gone . ing to find magazines of interest" which he had not It is the night before the day I will have 4 hour read. Inasmuch as there are many magazines printed quizzes, each given in 50 minutes. Sweat trickles in- all over the world, ~you can imagine the difficulty. of exorably down my face and arms. My shirt sticks to the task and its time-consuming nature. True, his me as though it's glued on. The quizzes are open knowledge of foreign languages was absolutely zero. book and I didn't buy the books nor have I been to Even his knowledge of English was very limited. any of the classes. I'm madly copying equations and Neither fact seemed to be much of a deterrent, notes and I still have 300 pages to go. Then, through though. He apparently had no conception of the the window, comes a water bomb that lands on MY enormity of his deficiency and therefore paid it no desk, soaking the books and, what is infinitely worse, . heed, reading magazines as he had always done. causing the washable ink on the 35 hand-written But now I had lost him and it was no fault of pages to run into incoherency . It's 6 in the morning .... mine. The dean woufd not let him make his bed and It is the hour before the date with Wellesley. The so he couldn't very well sleep in it. Then I realized, door is open to allow circulation of the air. The .without more than a little indignation, that the .room is very hot because the valve on the radiator has thoughtlessness of my roommate would subject me to been shot for 2 years, the vertical pipes aren't in- a hardship worse than applying for a parking sticker sulated, and nobody will do a damned thing about it. or waiting in tine to register: I would have to break I' m dressed and staring at myself in the mirror hung 23

next to' the door. Suddenly there is a tumult down Pat and Mike were walking and came to the the hall. Then the patter of wildly running feet. A church. figure dashes through the door and tries to slam it "Excuse me, Moike," Pat said, "I've got to go to shut. Too late. A mariah soaks me completely. The confession, but I'll be right back." only decent clothes Ihad left and this babe was really Pat went to the confessional booth and began to a beaut. Flushed . make a clean breast of his sins. "Father, I've been I sat down on the bed, my knees a little weak, my drunk, I've sworn, I've sinned with a married eyes a little watery l Breaking in a new room- woman-" mate is childishly simple when compared to the trials "A married woman?" the priest interrupted. and tribulations of living with a Freshman. "Yes, Father," Pat confessed. A key turned in the lock. In walked my new room- "Who was it?" the priest asked. mate. The moment I saw him I knew that all my "Oh, I can't tell you that, Father," Pat said. fears were unfounded. Boy, is"he HUGE! "Was it Mrs. Kelly?" the priest asked. Pat was adamant. " John Ross "Was it Mrs. O'Reilly?" the priest asked. Pat was silent. "Was it Mrs. O'Rourke?" Pat didn't answer. Later when walking outside, Mike asked him how he made out. "Well, Moike," Pat said, "he gave me some trouble on one sin, but I kept my mouth shut and got A certain assistant director had been shot dead in a three new leads." Hollywood bedroom by a minor mogul who had re- turned home unexpected. Next day a group of the deceased's fellow workers were talking over the horrible incident. Among them was one of those fellows noted for his eternal opti- mism. No matter what happened, this chap always said, "It could have been worse!" And as the details of the shooting were recounted, the irrepressible op- timist kept saying, "Yeah, but it could have been worse!" "How could it have been worse?" asked one of the group, a bit exasperated. "Poor old Joe is dead. A man will likely go to prison. And a woman is dis- graced for life. How could it have been worse?" "Well," said the optimist. "If he'd have come home on Thursday night, I would have been killed!"

Musician Artur Nikisch used to be stopped on the street by innumerable admirers. Swooning ladies would kiss his hand and tear pieces of his garments from his body. They even begged for locks of his }Vq donr have 10 go fa co/le.ge.1o know Mol- alter hair. To this last request he was always amenable, wling dr!hhhg and .smohhg, -!he.her! " mailing a few strands to each admiring applicant. breafh fresheners or all are " " "At this rate)" a friend warned him, "you will grow bald in no time." "Not I," Nikisch answered with a wink. "My dog." . � voo

A breezy matron from Chicago was visiting oneof BLUM JEWELRY the first families of Boston, and the Back Bay dow- Special Discount to M.I.T. Family on agers w,ere proceeding to put the Middlewesterner Diamonds, Watches, Jewelry in her place. Appliances. Radios. etc. "Here in Boston, you know," one of the good We Carry: dames remarked at tea, "family is the thing that BULOVA. HAMILTON. MIDO counts. We are only interested in breeding." and other famous make watches "Well," commented the lady from Illinois, "out in 468 Mass. Ave., Cambridge Chicago we think it is a lot of fun, too, but we man- reI. KI 7-5323 age to have some outside interests."

Memorial Drive society blinked at the frankness of a for- SUNOCO STATION mer musical comedy star who married an earl. and, when asked by a sob sister, "How does it feel to Gasoline Lubrication marry into royalty?" exulted, "Ah, the peace and Keys made tranquillity of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise lounge!" Edward J. O'Soro, Prop. 550 Memorial Drive Tel. ELiot 4-8837 A mountain man, who had never visited a city of any size, came to the big city at -last. He and his son walked out of the railroad station onto the street. The old fellow seemed less fascinated by the tall E. D. ABBOTT CO. buildings than by the paved streets. He scraped his feet on the hard surface, and tested the pavement Printers here and there. Finally he turned to his son and said: "Well, I don't blame 'em for building a town for all activities and here. The ground is too blamed hard to plow, any- fraternity events how." 181 MASSACHUSETTS AVE., BOSTON one block north of Loew's State phone: C~ pley 7-5550

The great psychiatrist was exammmg the pre- cocious youth. "What would happen if I cut off your left ear?" he suddenly asked. ·CHARLIE · · . "I couldn't hear," the boy replied quickly. THE TECH TAILOR "Then what would happen if I cut off your right car r 71 AMHERST STREET OPP. THE DORMS o "I couldn't see," came back the answer. Have Him The great psychiatrist stared, then turned to the Press Your Suit-Remove Spots mother. "This is a serious case." He swung back at Dry Clean Your Clothing the boy. "Why do you say you couldn't see if I cut Mend Your Clothes-Sew Buttons off your right ear?" "Cuz my hat would slide down over my eyes," N.B. He is noted for Fine Work at Low Prices snapped the kid. 25 000 cA.a

A young lady telephoning a music store, was con- THE FINEST IN FOOD nected by mistake with a garage. "Do you have 'Two Red Lips and Seven Kisses' r' she asked. F & T DINER "No," answered the garageman, "but we have two $5.50 Value For $5.00 tom cats and seven kittens." "Is that a record?" she asked. $3.30 Value For $3.00 "Well, lady," said the garageman, "we think it is." WE CATER TO STUDENTS Kendall Square Cambridge

The department of taxation received an income tax return from a bachelor listing one dependent TENNIS RACKETS son. The examiner returned the report with the com- ALL MAKES ALL PRICES ment: "This must be a stenographer's error." To which the bachelor replied, ''I'll say it was." Re.tringing a Specialty BASEBALL - GOLF SNEAKERS • SHORTS • SHIRTS TENNIS and SQUASH SHOP, There was no consoling Pedro as he rode back 67A Mt. Auburn Street, Harvard Square from the funeral of his so-young wife. Friends riding Phone TR 6-5417 in the same car tried their best to stem Pedro's tears. 'Conchita was a good wife and a beautiful woman, Pedro. But time heals all hurts. You're young and after a while, you'll find another beautiful girl and go on living happily." , "Si, si," sobbed Pedro. "I know all that. But what THE BACK BAl' JEWELERS am I gonna do tonight?" SINCE 1895

1. HAMILTON and OMEGA Watche. The St. Louis Zoo is famous the world over and not the least of its attractions are the monkeys. They Espert Watch Repairing perform their endless antics in the monkey house and on 'Monkey Island' much to the delight of the child- 236 MASS. AVENUE BOSTON ren and grownups too. But this day when an harrassed school teacher had brought her entire 3rd grade to the zoo there wasn't a monkey in sight. The attendant explained, as deli- cately .as he could, that it was the monkeys' mating season. They were all inside the house. CI 7-8833 "The children' just won't take No for an answer," said the teacher. "Don't you suppose 'that if we throw peanuts into their cages they'll come out?" , JACK LIPTON, Inc. "I doubt it, lady," said the attendant. And then, APPAREL FOR MEN not able to resist, he added, "Would YOIl?" DRESS CLOTHES FOR HIRE, STUDENT RATES

122 MASS. AVENUE BOSTON Live alone and lack it. o Tempore, 0 Mores!

There was once a boy who had everything; and he Since adolescence, he had had the company of was right here, here at our own M.I.T. All of the numerous glittering females, but with ,no satisfac- lesser creatures at the Institute envied this most fortu- tion. Fond mothers had literally danced attendance nate of students. And with good reason. . upon him in vain efforts to foist their all too willing He was rich, with all of the material trivia that daughters upon him with no success.His friends had money can buy. His automobile was fast and sleek; pleaded with him to lower 'his standards to within and, of course, imported. Tailored clothes graced his reality, but he was immovable. figure, bespeaking, not in loud tones, but in a sub- And so the years wenton. The end of his senior dued murmur, of inherent good taste. Scores of imi- year approached, and he had almost resigned himself tators had gone extravagently into debt in vain at- to a life as a dilletante-r-a man with a perfect face to tempts to achieve his apogee of appearance, but suc- life, but an empty shell within. ceeded only in being Conservative. He had traveled Then he met her. widely, visiting all of the best places on six conti- She went to Radcliffe. Fate threw them together at nents, but this had not made him a snob. He was too a cocktail party, and instantly he knew that here, at well bred for that. last, was what he sought. She was beautiful, a truly But he was rich in more than mere lucre, for he exquisite creature. She was cultured, with a knowl- was cultured. Widely read, he retained everything edge and polish which equalled and, indeed, sur- that he absorbed, and could converse intelligently on p~~~crqhi~ 9~~: 49.9 ~~~ wa~ rich. This girl would any subject in several languages. A devotee of all fine not marry for money. Oh, no. She, too, had been arts, he kept a box at the opera, appearing there on searching for her male counterpart, and now, now occasion to applaud any performance which con- they were together. formed to his stratospheric standards. Art exhibi- The courtship was magnificient. Gifts calculated to tions or recitals which promised real talent were sure please her discerning taste were given in profusion. to see his attendance. Quiet dinners in expensive restaurants, dancing in the

However, life was not one round of concerts. , finest clubs, and attendance at concerts followed one soirees, and gay parties. He was at the Institute be- another in rapid succession until at last he felt that cause his father, and his father's father, had attended. The Moment had arrived. The course which he pursued is not important. Suffice With elaborate preparations, and with the sincere it to say that he took it for. form's sake alone,and not good wishes of his friends he went to ask this god- as preparation for a career. Naturally, his cumulative dess to be his wife. Surely such matches are made in was high, but not perfect-the result of a misunder- heaven, thought those who knew him ... standing in the Military Science department. He returned a broken man. A look of 'indescribable One might imagine that such a boy would have no sadness played over his features, intermingled with friends, only acquaintances; true friendship rarely one of intense anger. Anxious friends hovered about flourishes when one party is so obviously superior. his chair. What has happened, what has happened, This was not the case. His air of geniality, without was the only question. . condescension, gained him the trust and respect of With obvious effort he began to speak. And when many fellow students. And these friends 'were con- he was done, all could do naught but agree that he cerned about their most outstanding brother. was right in refusing to speak of her ever again. Alas, all paragons must have a flaw and he was no "That girl, gentlemen," he said, and here a tear exception. For there was no girl in the life of this welled to his eye, to be' brushed away, and be re- young patrician. Nor did it appear that there ever placed by a look of anger, which had so rarely ap- would be, for he, although tolerant in all other re- peared on that smooth brow, "that girl is a damn spects, had but one ideal for a perfect mate. He could Democrat! " abide with perfect ease the insufficiencies of his Regis Scbultis friends, but he could not accept anything less than an equal in his woman. 27

A woman got on the train with NEXT VACATION: nine children and when the con- ductor came for her tickets she said: "Now these children are ?ike a thrilling "TWA trip thirteen years old and pay full fare, but those three over there are to faraway p/a~! only six and these three here are four and a half." Imagine! For just $91 down, you can visit 11 fascinating European countries! Other The conductor looked at her in tours feature Bombay, Cairo! Take 20 months to pay with TWA's "Tltn« Pay Plan"! astonishment. "Do you mean to say you get three every time?" he What a wonderful way to see the asked. world. You travel to European cities "Oh, no," she said. "Sometimes or exotic lands in the Middle or Far East. And, you can study from 2 to we don't get any at all." 6 weeks at an accredited foreign uni- versity. Specialize in a subject such as literature, music, art-arrange ~ your travel-study tour to include as many cities as you wish. Full college other costs as well as your round- credit for those who want it. trip fare on TWA's famous Constel- Best of all, TWA's "Time Pay lation fleet. Start planning your trip He: Why wait till we get home Plan" includes hotel expenses and by mailing the coupon today! to tell me whether or not you'll ~~>t~ ~. marry me? ~/ythe linest ... 'I.Y~"".M She: I'm scared; this is the very TIIANS WOIIID AIIIIINIS U,S A, • fU/lO'f • M/lICA • ASIA spot where my father proposed to ------my mother. I am interested in: John H. Furbay, Ph.D., Director, TWA Air World Tours Tours Abroad 0 Department eM, 380 Madison Avenue, New York 17, N. Y. He: What about it? "Time Pay Plan" 0 Dear Sir; Please send me information on your 1956 Travel-Study Tours. She: Well, on the way' home the Tours in U.s.A. 0 Name Position _ Special Itinerary to horse ran away and father was ______0 Address _ killed. cities &. countries City,----_~State Phone _

Ov 28

Before coming downstairs to the hotel dining room after the first night of their honeymoon the young couple practiced talking and acting like 'an -~------old married couple.' In the descending elevator they ~ maintained just the right shade of marital indiffer- ence. And through the lobby they sauntered, casual asall get out and they reached the Coffee Shop cer- tain they had not been spotted. Carefully ignoring each other, he studied the menu. But the young bride ordered immediately. "Some fruit juice and coffee, please!" Then she, and the whole coffee shop, was startled by the groom's loud voice saying, "Good Lord! You mean to say you never eat anything for breakfast!"

A Hollywood producer was traveling to New York from the Coast. He went to his Pullman berth, pulled back the curtains and found two beautiful girls in the berth. They all looked at their tickets and found that the girls were in the wrong train. They were very up- set and asked whether they could stay in the berth t'Frad'ey, Maybe We Better Knock Off anyway. The producer explained that he was very sorry but he was a married man, had respect and Until Your Hiccups Stop" standing and couldn't afford the slightest breath of scandal. "I'm sorry," he added, "but one of .you will have to leave."

A little girl answered the knock on the door of the A census taker in the country came upon a farm- farm house. The caller, a rather troubled looking, house and was greeted by a five-year- old boy. middle-aged man, asked to see her father. "How many in your family?" asked the census - "If-you've come about the bull," she said, "he's taker. $50. We have the papers and everything and hes "Four," replied the little boy. There's my mama, guaranteed.' , daddy, and sister and me." "Young lady," the man said, "I want to see your "Where's you daddy?" father." .1He's gone fishin', I reckon-I say 'I reckon'-1 "If that's too much," the little girl replied, "we got don't rightly know. But he put on his rubber boots, another bull for $25, and he's guaranteed, too, but he and it ain't rainin'." doesn't have any papers." "Where's your mama, son?" "Young lady," the man repeated, "I want to see "Well, I guess she's gone out-I don't rightly your father!" know. But the catalugues' rnissin', and she can't "If that's too much," said the little girl, "we got read." another bull for only $10, but he's not guaranteed." "Well, where's your sister, then, little boy?" asked "I'm not here for a bull," said the man angrily. "I the census taker. want to talk about your brother, Elmer. He's gotten "I reckon she's down at the barn with the hired my daughter in trouble!" hand-I say 'I reckon-I don't rightly know. But "Oh, I'm sorry," said the little girl. "You'll have there ain't but two things she like to do-and sup· to see Pa about that, 'cause I don't know what he pers's waitin' on the table." charges for Elmer." For real enjoyment-leal beerI.,

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