Psychologies.Co.Uk February 2014 £3.90 Uk Edition No

Special report: If diets don’t work – what does? PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK FEBRUARY 2014 £3.90 UK EDITION NO.

101 KATE WINSLET FEBRUARY 2014 GET “I don’t COSY believe in ● EARLY NIGHTS perfection” ● BOX-SET BLISS ● BOOKS TO BRIGHT & CURL UP WITH BEAUTIFUL Skin tips that work “I’m fine, really” LOVE & SEX Heal your inner martyr CREATE YOUR OWN GUIDE 20-PAGE SPECIAL PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK Flourish in 2014 GET READY: WRITE YOUR MONTHLY ACTION PLAN TAKE COURAGE: HOW TO BE TRULY AUTHENTIC

+ TEST: NOT ACHIEVING YOUR GOALS? FIND OUT WHY DAVID ASHTON HANDMADE IN LONDON CONTENTS FEBRUARY 2014

REGULARS 7 EDITOR’S LETTER 8 LETTERS 9 I’D LIKE TO THANK… 11 THE FIX 132 STOCKISTS 138 SALLY BRAMPTON is tired of hearing ‘must’, Cover: Kate Winslet by Carolyn and ‘should’ and ‘ought’ Cole / Los Angeles Times / Contour 18 THE BIG CONVERSATION Kate Winslet “It’s funny, this notion that when you become a famous person you stop doing normal things” 24 DOSSIER

FEATURES Flourish! 46 BEST FRIENDS FOREVER? 26 YOUR 12-POINT ACTION PLAN Clem Felix says it’s high time Author Cheryl Rickman offers an easy SUBSCRIBE to take your friendships out of month-by-month guide to creating the playground real change in your life, while boosting AND RECEIVE your sense of wellbeing THIS FREE GIFT 50 WRITING THE NEXT CHAPTER Bibi Lynch on how wise words 34 “I HAVE A DREAM” from other women helped her Can you really make your childhood change her perspective dreams happen as an adult? Lawyer 54 BOXING CLEVER Rosalynn Try-Hane is willing to give it Why watching a box set is ideal a go as a writer this year for bonding, life lessons and 38 THE COURAGE CATALYST winter feelgood factor When you stop worrying about what 58 CELEBRATE EVERY MOMENT other people think, it’s a lot easier to When Lucy Murphy’s third be brave. But sometimes it takes a baby was born at just 26 weeks major event to make us realise this, it took a team of 70 and a lot of writes Keris Stainton love for him to survive 40 TEST: ARE YOU STANDING IN 62 ARE YOU AN ATTENTION YOUR OWN WAY? See page 44 DEFLECTOR? We all feel excited about our dreams for this month’s Mustn’t grumble, says a weary and plans setting out – but how do

ILLUSTRATION: LULU subscriptions offer Rin Hamburgh… but why not? you keep the momentum going?

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 3 CONTENTS FEBRUARY 2014

67 THE LIFE LAB

69 special report: what’s eating you? None of us are immune to comfort eating, yet there are myriad reasons why we do it. Amerley Ollennu gets to grips with an emotional issue 76 Mind experiment Why imagining your life without its blessings 91 THE BOOST will make you more grateful for what you have 93 beauty notes 78 MARY FENWICK Amerley Ollennu is dealing with a beauty SOS Being able to honestly tell someone how you are feeling is the best medicine 94 see the light Who doesn’t want a naturally radiant, glowing 81 love EXPERIMENT complexion? Catherine Turner is on the case This month Sarah Abell invites you to create your own sex guide 100 beyond the beauty counter Why your favourite beauty brands are going 82 esther perel boutique What to do when power struggles in the bedroom lead to a sexual stalemate 103 positive beauty Jo Fairley tackles a sensitive subject and aims 85 work EXPERIMENT to create calm Oliver Burkeman offers some tips on battling a never-ending tide of email 104 wellbeing notes Catherine Turner explains how to get your new 86 ilona boniwell year off to a more energetic start Our family expert on the realities of having a baby late or after a gap of several years 106 the big SLEEP We know the benefits of good sleep, but, Sally 88 events Brown asks, how do we ensure it happens? Join author Claudia Hammond for a live workshop on managing time, plus three 110 My home School of Life experts have advice on how Artist Dora Dewsbery tells us why she likes to to negotiate some modern-day challenges be beside the seaside 114 living dition e

Take shelter and hibernate with cosy furnishings t u l

120 Main food aub l Add some depth and flavour to winter meals b lis/ a

125 Food news nd a

Time for a bit of reinvention, says Rosie Ifould p l ue n 126 Main travel a

Lorna V dives into a brave new adventure ph: m ra 131 travel

78 Mary Fenwick 82 Esther Perel 86 Ilona Boniwell Savouring the tastes of San Sebastián photog

4 Psychologies magazine FEBRUARY 2014

Contributors Meet three of the people who have taken part in this issue of Psychologies

Rin Hamburgh Journalist

As a journalist who specialises in psychology and wellbeing with a special interest in mental and emotional wellbeing, Rin Hamburgh considered herself pretty self-aware. Still, sometimes it takes someone else to see what’s really going on with us and that’s what happened when, over a long cup of co ee and much denial, a good friend noticed and helped to draw out a little problem of Rin’s – ‘I realised I wasn’t being honest with myself about the things I was going through, nor was I being honest with the people closest to me. As soon as I opened up, life improved almost immediately.’ Read more about her discovery, and her Diana Athill self-diagnosis of herself as part of a Lulu Author quiet but growing gang of ‘attention Illustrator defl ectors’, on page 62. ‘When I look back at my life, now that I am ‘I’ve learned a lot about life, and work, 95, I can truly say that I see it as a happy from looking at fl owers,’ comments one.’ So begins acclaimed author and Lulu, a freelance illustrator based editor Diana Athill’s very personal letter in Germany who combines her in our ‘Next Chapter’ feature on page 50. hand-drawn fl oral motifs with some We asked her to look back and see if her very modern computer technology experiences as a working woman who to create stunning visuals. She was didn’t take the then traditional route of lucky enough to grow up surrounded marriage and babies could help journalist by blooms – her mother was a fl orist Bibi Lynch in her quest to fi gure out what and the family lived above the shop to do with the next stage of her life. Diana – and after working in both San was born in 1917 and worked for the BBC Francisco and Switzerland Lulu now during the war, then for almost fi ve lives and works in Berlin. You can see decades as an editor at publishing house from much of her work where she got Andre Deutsch. She later won the Costa some of her earliest inspiration, and Biography Award for her memoir Somewhere the fl ow in her illustrations for us Towards The End, a refl ection on old age. depicts to perfection the exciting, Her writing is a breath of fresh air, an imaginative plans for self-growth ongoing source of good sense and a envisioned in this month’s ‘Flourish’ testament to her spirit, summed up in this dossier. Turn to page 24 and get ready line from another memoir, Stet, ‘In spite of to wake up, smell the compost and losing a considerable part of my youth to plant some seeds of your own. If you heartbreak, I wake up every morning liking begin right now, you can look forward being here’. Long may you be here, Diana. to roses in May… DIANA ATHILL PHOTOGRAPH: REX PHOTOGRAPH: ATHILL DIANA

6 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 EDITOR’S LETTER Slowly but surely When you look up the word ‘fl ourish’ in the dictionary, it is defi ned as doing well, blossoming or succeeding. But for me, fl ourishing isn’t about success so much as growth. And, unfortunately, growth is not always easy. (They don’t call them growing pains for nothing.) I love the quote from French-born American author Anaïs Nin: ‘And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.’ If 2013 wasn’t the best of years for you, be comforted by the fact that pain can be a great motivator! But I believe that in order to grow and fl ourish, you have to be willing to be brave and take a risk. That’s why I love Keris Stainton’s piece about bravery (page 38) in our dossier this month. ‘Courage is not something you have,’ she says. ‘It’s something you choose.’ Choice is a theme we explore throughout the issue; everything from the friends we choose to surround ourselves with (see Clem Felix’s piece Best friends forever? on page 46) to the food we choose to put into our mouths (page 69). In the post-Christmas dieting-to-lose-fi ve-stone-in-fi ve-minutes madness, we’ve focused our special report this month on comfort eating and ask how we can make 2014 the year we choose to create a healthy relationship with food. We’re not great believers in quick fi xes. (We would be if they worked.) That’s why we’ve asked Amerley Ollennu, our beauty and wellbeing editor, to chart her attempts to establish that healthy relationship over the coming year in her new Brain Food column. I hope you’ll join us for that. However, if it’s fl ourishing of a more general nature you’re after, turn to page 24 and start creating your 12-month ‘Flourish masterplan’, which was devised by inspirational life coach Cheryl Rickman and based on the research of Martin Seligman, the godfather of positive psychology. If this all sounds like too much work in the bleakest of bleak midwinter, we give you our full permission to do all of this from your bed. (See page 114 for inspiration from the lovely home pages of deputy editor Lauren Hadden.) For now, get your notebook out and simply choose to do the planning and plant the seeds of inspiration, which will start to grow once we are able to train our faces towards the sun again. In the meantime, plump up your cushions and cosy up with your favourite magazine this winter – Suzy Greaves and maybe line up a box set (see page 54) for later. Pass Editor the remote control… PHOTOGRAPH: LIBI PEDDER LIBI PHOTOGRAPH:

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 7 feedback Viewpoint We love hearing from the Psychologies tribe, whether you’re giving your thoughts, engaging in phototherapy or sharing your letter of gratitude to someone who matters to you – this last something that has been scientiﬁ cally proven to improve health and wellbeing. Get in touch!

THE PERSONAL TOUCH I discovered Psychologies in a hotel lobby and when I read it, I felt like it all could have come

Does your life LIFE from a therapist who knew everything about feel like a series of mundane activities, me. Every page was like a nod of approval dotted with occasional bursts of excitement? It might be time to change rather than the shaking ﬁ nger other magazines your perspective, says eleanor Tucker, and learn o ered me. I know many women feel this way, to embrace the everyday but when I hear Psychologies land on my mat, it’s like a very close friend arriving. Lianna A life more “Finding joy in the mundane helps you look at life ‘in the love 100 moments ordinary round’ and see that it’s good” ‘Regret can be a signal that there is a chance to Dream big, fail better fix things. It lingers wherever there are still To inspire others, live your values. Follow your own 12opportunities.’ (Sarah Maber, journalist) ecently, I met a friend who I Embracing The Ordinary (Simon & doesn’t it? However, our escapist atti- helps you to look at life “in the round” excitement. Quite the opposite. It’s therapeutic. I just love the feeling of rules, and others will come on board. hadn’t seen for a while. Schuster, £7.99) that there are ‘cultural tudes are not entirely our own fault. and see that, in the grand scheme of about finding excitement where you creating order out of chaos, sorting 1 ‘Parenting is so different from other work. It’s the ‘Show me someone who doesn’t ever have a crisis of glacial pace. Half an hour to get a child’s coat on, Once we’d established that factors, such as the new obsession with Foley believes western history itself, things, it’s good,’ she explains. ‘There didn’t know it existed, not about becom- things for the charity shop, cleaning, confidence and I will show you a psychopath.’ 1345 minutes to go to the corner. It teaches you 2(Ol Parker, film director) patience and management.’ (Julianne Moore, actress) we were both fine, in good celebrity, that makes anonymous, mun- and our religious preoccupation, has isn’t that sharp contrast between the ing some kind of martyr to dullness. and I prefer a dramatic grand clean-up ‘You think you can’t do something because nature ‘In counselling, we prefer to use the phrase health, and that our fami- dane life seem worse than death.’ But pre-programmed people to see the “good bits” and the “dreary bits”, more than the drip-drip-drip of endless daily didn’t conspire to open that particular door for you. “working through” rather than closure – an But weirdly, you can.’ (Anna Chancellor, actress) ongoing process rather than a goal in itself.’ lies, Rjobs and homes were all in working would you really want to be living in everyday as some sort of ‘suffering to a sense of “totality”. This attitude also chores. The trick for me is to set a time 3 14 A cunning ruse (Brett Kahr, psychoanalyst) ‘Her novels remind me how order, she said to me, ‘I just need some- your own version of a reality TV show, be endured in order to earn a more makes you more appreciative and more In fact, Foley describes this as ‘not a limit – say, between 10am and 6pm – and hard it was only a short time ‘The idea of Be kind thing exciting to happen.’ lurching from one drama to the next? rewarding existence in the afterlife.’ likely to make downward comparisons’ worthy act of self-improvement, but an do as much as I can in that time. For me, 4 ago to be female and ambitious.’ (Lionel Shriver, author, “spare” time If your child is worrying Instead of thinking, ‘So do I’, I actu- ‘Escapism… by means of entertain- But what if you’re not planning on – in other words, not wish for better for audacious and cunning ruse.’ I like the doing it this way turns a dull, mundane 100 on author Edith Wharton) is a false one. about a new experience, moments 11 15 such as starting school, ally thought, why? What is ‘exciting’, ment, travel, partying, alcohol, drugs or an eternity in paradise? I’m not, so I’ve yourself, but rather see yourself as thought of having a ruse. It’s like playing task into something I even (whisper it) It is better to praise a child’s Instead strive to tell them a funny story about when progress in a certain area, ensure every minute you went through the same thing. anyway? We live in a society obsessed sex… does not work,’ Foley continues. decided to start revelling in the routine, fortunate. If you’re more grateful for a trick on life – an act of one-upmanship. look forward to.’ 5rather than the end result, as of your time is spent in with fame, wealth and beauty, and it’s ‘Sooner or later the escapee is back in leading a life that’s more – not less – your lot, you’ll be more content. People I started planning my own personal ruse Cathy Sidaway is a doula – a preg- the latter can lead to them putting When a relationship in time in less effort in the future. Professor( the best way possible.’ ends, make a list of 20 making us lose sight of the everyday – prison, more depressed than before, ordinary. And it’s turning out to be the who are happy to do humdrum things and spoke to journalist Lola Borg, a busy nancy and labour coach – which means So much can happen in eight years. In that Carol Dweck, psychologist) (Octavius Black, CEO, The Mind Gym) 16 things you like about yourself. This is the first step to and the pleasure that can be found in also very likely out of pocket, hungover, best decision I’ve made in years. are more relaxed and less stressed.’ working mother of teenage children. her working days are often full of lifetime, we’ve produced exactly 100 issues of To boost your confidence, pick changing how you see yourself. the magazine you’re holding in your hands. It’s someone who seems confident being in the present moment, no matter exhausted and afflicted by guilt, shame, I spoke to Jessica Chivers, author But it’s not about ‘putting up with’ ‘Every month or so I block off a day, get affirming, moving experiences. But, and study what makes them ‘Avoid giving siblings

been quite a journey – we’ve been through a 6 images geTTy ographs: seem that way. By mirroring their labels, such as “Sam is the how humdrum it might seem to be. dread and a nasty, state-of-the-art STD.’ and career coach (jessicachivers.com), T the day-to-day; it’s about learning to a playlist ready, then spend the entire she tells me, the simple act of boiling an lot together, and come out the other side still actions, you’ll feel less daunted. smart one” and “Rosie is 17 Michael Foley explains in his book Well, that all sounds a bit depressing, about this. ‘Finding joy in the mundane pho delight in it. It’s not about avoiding day sorting out my house. And it’s very egg can also give her a real moment of >>> standing. For us, the magazine has always the pretty one”, as it can harm their ‘Nothing was ever achieved relationship into adulthood.’ been about discovery – whether it’s something without hard work; putting in (Terri Apter, psychologist) life-changing we’ve experienced and shared 7hard graft counts at every stage of life.’ (Sháá Wasmund, entrepreneur) ‘If you inadvertently 52 Psychologies magazine december 2013 december 2013 Psychologies magazine 53 with you, new advice from an expert, insult someone, then revelations from unexpected places and ‘The lovely and banal truth is that even if we fail 18 apologise. Don’t babble people, or simply a clever new health or beauty a little, our families will almost certainly emerge or backtrack. Let it go, move on.’ (Emma Sargent, coach) 8unscathed.’ (Angela Neustatter, journalist) tip. We could easily have listed a thousand ‘If you are breaking up with a partner, let them great moments from the last 100 issues, so Find your pace state the terms and frequency of future contact 19 – they are the injured party.’ think of these as just a snapshot of what we’ve ‘One of the functions of daydreaming is to keep life’s (Janet Reibstein, psychologist) learned, loved and laughed about as between agenda in front of you; it reminds you what’s coming up, 9rehearses new situations and scans past experiences ‘It’s vital to treat yourself with kindness. This us we tried to figure out this strange but so you can learn from them.’ (Eric Klinger, psychologist) doesn’t mean self-indulgence or giving in to beautiful thing called ‘life’. 20 any old desire that pops up. Compassionate ‘For me, the destination is less important than behaviour involves taking good care of yourself, through the process.’ (Sally Brampton, Psychologies rest, balance, exercise and sharing the company of friends 10 columnist) and family when possible.’ (Dennis Tirch, psychologist) >>>

60 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2014 JANUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 61 STAR LETTER

BLIND TO SEXISM EMBRACE THE MUNDANE I’ve just read ‘A few good men’ (December) Never before has an article changed my outlook in the way that ‘A life and felt compelled to write and tell you what more ordinary’ (December) has. I have a happy life but sometimes feel a great article it was. I consider myself aware, as though I should be doing more. I have a job, a home, good health, but I’m so used to the exploitation of women a husband and I am pregnant with my second child, but I often feel that I don’t see it any more and this initiative the need to justify this ‘normality’. I always dreaded the inevitable is positively revolutionary. I’m pregnant with question, ‘What have you been up to lately?’ but I now realise I should a son now, and I want things to change so he be embracing my happiness with the seemingly mundane. After all, can grow up to be a good man. Jessica the grass isn’t always greener. Shirley

another of his friends decided to have sex with her, too. Everyone just stood around watching and laughing. At the time, because everyone was doing it, A few it seemed like OK behaviour. ‘I’d call it rape now,’ the teenager says. ‘Since then, everyone involved has done their best to forget about it. I can see that much of the problem stems from a lack of education.’ good men It only takes one person to speak up to totally change a situation like that, and that’s what The Great Initiative is THIS MONTH’S STAR Alarmed by continuous casually sexist attitudes, The about. ‘These days, so much is excused Parenting as banter,’ says Brown. ‘but it’s more Great Initiative is hoping to teach boys how to grow into dangerous. We’ve made it such that if young men who respect women, and it has enlisted the help of former you say anything against it, you’re a rapper and father of two girls, doc brown, to help it achieve this aim prude. You’re the party killer.’ The Kelmscott boys are enthused LETTER AND PHOTO and inspired. ‘We should have more WORDS LENA CORNER talks like this,’ says one. ‘We have sex education, but that doesn’t cover any ripple of excitement passes as part of a new initiative called Great no clothes on? What is the right age to of this. It’s really made me think.’ And through the hall at Kelm- Men Value Women. He never set out to do it? My eight-year-old has already had another: ‘I’ve never looked at it this scott School in north Lon- be an advocate of women’s rights. His his first brush with pornography – he way. When I see the billboards with COMPETITION PRIZE IS: don. Doc Brown, former career – lately working with Ricky Ger- found a page from Club International in Pussy on them, I just go, “That’s a nice rapper, comedian, youth vais and creating Bafta-winning drama the street. As introductions to pornog- drink”. Doc Brown has made me think workerA and younger brother of author 4 O’Clock Club for the BBC – was keep- raphy go, it was fairly mild – a naked this is Justin Timberlake,’ he says. ‘He’s about it. They shouldn’t be putting stuff Zadie Smith, is here – a surprise guest – ing him busy enough. He describes him- woman with her legs open – and he took family-friendly. He does the voice of Boo these days, so like that on billboards and it shouldn’t to give the first lesson of the day. His self as an ‘accidental feminist’ – a man it home and hid it in his desk. When I Boo in the Yogi Bear film. I sat down much is excused as be going on front pages either.’ audience, 75 teenage boys, most of brought up by women, who now, aged found it, his questions came tumbling with my seven-year-old to watch his Brown ends his talk by seguing seam- A selection of Manuka whom know Brown intimately via his 35, as a father to two girls, is increasingly out. Why did she do it? Was she trying new video and it was like woah – naked banter, but it’s more lessly into a rap sending up egotistical prolific YouTube output, are hanging on incensed by the casual misogyny and to get a boyfriend? Did she get paid? women. I’m not talking scantily clad. dangerous. We’ve hip-hop stars who brag about all the his every word. sexist attitudes around him. What is ‘prawn’ (porn) anyway? I’m talking butt naked.’ made it such that bitches and hos they’ve slept with. He kicks off with a few thoughts on Brown talks about the energy drink ‘These boys’ minds are constantly the day’s issue of The Sun. ‘On the front Explaining the imagery billboard adverts screaming out the Changed thinking if you say anything manipulated into thinking that women Doctor skincare, worth £90*. page there’s a naked woman and across He tells the boys about trips to the news- product name ‘Pussy’, which his girls Singer and author Karen Ruimy is a against it, you’re are second-class citizens. It’s a human her tits it has the words “Hello boys”,’ agents to buy sweets for his daughters quiz him about. ‘It’s just some company founder of The Great Initiative, along rights issue – this is the next step in the he says. ‘This is the number one selling that have ended with awkward ques- playing us as idiots, using the climate of with journalist Mariella Frostrup and a prude’’ civil rights movement. It’s amazing newspaper in the UK. Not 30 years ago, tions about the pornographic imagery people not seeming to care about wom- human rights lawyer Jason McCue. we’re still fighting on such a basic level,’ now, when we’re supposed to see women they see there. His youngest is only five. en’s sexuality to sell its stupid drink,’ ‘I think we have forgotten to explain If the casual misogyny that we are he says. ‘I think it’s like racism or reli- as equals. Imagine if it was a picture of a ‘I don’t know how to explain it to them. he says. ‘And it would never happen the to boys how to be men,’ says Ruimy. ‘In surrounded by goes unquestioned, the gious differences – you’ve got to bring For more information, go to black guy in a loincloth with bare feet and I’m struggling with it,’ he says. ‘I don’t other way round. Do you think we’d ever ancient society they had a rite of pas- consequences can be much darker. On these things out in the open and discuss it said, “Yes boss”. There would be out- want to end their childhood early, and be slurping on a drink called “Cock”?’ sage, it was a sacred moment. We don’t the Great Men website, one teenager them. Honesty is the key. This is just a rage, we’d have a race riot on our hands. they wouldn’t understand. It’s hard.’ He also talks about the pornification have that now. We just send them to tells how he was once at a party where a starting point. Someone has to facilitate But when it comes to women, they’re I have three young sons and this issue of pop music, which has spread even school where they learn maths and 15-year-old girl got so drunk that one of a process of communication in these expected to just shut up and take it.’ has been worrying me, too. How do you to the likes of Justin Timberlake. ‘This English. There is a void about their his friends decided to have sex with her. groups. We’ve got a very long way to go.’

Brown, real name Ben Smith, is here explain to a child why that woman has isn’t Snoop Dogg we’re talking about, press price/camera ki photograph: identity. I think it’s really important.’ The girl was a virgin. Soon afterwards, To find out more, visit thegreatinitiative.org.uk manukadoctor.co.uk

56 Psychologies magazine december 2013 december 2013 Psychologies magazine 57 * APIREFINE LIP ENHANCER, £13.99; APIREFINE FLAWLESS, £18.99; APIREFINE RADIANCE SERUM, SERUM, APIREFINE RADIANCE £18.99; APIREFINE FLAWLESS, £13.99; ENHANCER, APIREFINE LIP * COMPETITION £19.99. KIT, INTRO APINOURISH £19.99; WITH SPF20, CREAM APIREFINE CC £17.99; SEE PSYCHOLOGIES.CO.UK T&CS, **FOR LISSETT. SARAH PHOTOGRAPH:

EMAIL [email protected]. THE THEME FOR THE NEXT PHOTO COMPETITION IS ‘ZEAL’. DEADLINE: 31 JANUARY**

8 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 I’d like to thank… THIS MONTH’S WINNING LETTER

When we fi rst met, I was at an awful place in my life. A neurosurgeon had told me my 11-year-old son Ashley needed corrective brain surgery for a tumour. I’d put Ashley and my other son Josh to bed, and was at the computer, alone and dazed, looking for an online chat forum for parents of disabled children, fi nally releasing the tears I’d held in all day. After some fruitless searching, I stumbled across a dating website for parents I’d signed up for. I was in no place to talk that night, but you popped up on my screen. ‘Hello, fancy a chat?’ you asked. I politely declined. You asked again; again I said no. You were persistent. ‘Ooh, go on…’ We vied to see who’d had the worst day. You’d been choosing a headstone for your fi rst wife, who had died of a brain tumour. A bad day all round, we agreed. You understood my fear, because you’d been through it yourself. From that day, your love, care and support got me through that awful time. You moved 100 miles to be with me, and our PHOTO COMPETITION lives completely transformed. You brought me love and happiness, not WINNER: JANUARY to mention your sweet two-year-old son Charlie. Our marriage was the happiest day of my life. Even Charlie, who had delayed speech THEME: OPTIMISM development, said ‘and me’ when you said ‘I do’. I make a personal choice to be open to optimism I’m grateful for your persistence, which led to that fi rst chat. and lean away from pessimism. As a young, Without that, we wouldn’t be celebrating our seventh wedding single parent I look at my daughter in my portrait anniversary in April. I am grateful for the di erence you make to my holding the rose-coloured glass and remind life. You were there when Ashley had brain surgery just two months myself how we can see rosiness in both of our after we met. You watched him recover with me and turn into the futures. It was taken in my studio in London young man he is today. You love me unconditionally. You held my hand in November. Sarah Lissett and supported me when I had my own cancer scare, although you’d lost one wife already. Nothing is enough to convey my love and immense ARE YOU AN ASPIRING PHOTOGRAPHER? gratitude to you, just for being you, for loving me, for being in my life. Would you like to showcase your photographic talents in the magazine and online? Each month, we’re asking you to submit your best photograph on a particular theme. We’ll print the winning photograph in the next issue of Psychologies and on psychologies.co.uk the following month and the winner gets an THIS MONTH’S LETTER amazing bag of goodies**! OF GRATITUDE WINS… The theme for our February issue is ‘ZEAL’. A year’s digital subscription to Please send your photograph attached in Psychologies, worth £28.99 an email to [email protected] by midnight on 31 January to be in with a chance of winning. Good luck!

IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO THANK? SHARE YOUR LETTER OF GRATITUDE BY SENDING IT TO [email protected]

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 9 Your daily beauty routine

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For an uplifting and energy-charged explosion of colour to warm even the bleakest winter evenings, indulge in The Merchants Of Bollywood, a vibrant performance of theatrical Bollywood- style dance and award-winning music. Runs from 28 Jan-15 Feb, sadlerswells.com d oo w y ll bo of nts nts

ha Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. c er m Just get up and dance. Great dancers are he great because of their passion.”

OGRAPH: t OGRAPH: Martha Graham T PHO

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 11 THE FIX

LOOKING BACK Remember those sunny days in the park, when your only care in the world was whether there was enough wind to ﬂ y your kite? Well it seems it’s good to take a trip down memory lane, as researchers say nostalgia and happy memories can also make us feel more optimistic by raising and maintaining feelings of self-esteem, contributing to a more positive outlook on our future.*

Traditional diamond kite by I LOVE RETRO, £19.95, Not On The High Street

BOOK OF THE MONTH THE NIGHT GUEST by Fiona McFarlane (Sceptre, £14.99, out 16 January) RAISE A GLASS Elderly widower Ruth lives alone on Whether you follow your heart or the New South Wales coast, and one your head, these beautiful beakers, evening becomes half-convinced she’s 86% inspired by a lifelong obsession heard a tiger prowling through her OF WOMEN with science, will get you thinking as you’re drinking. house. The next day a stranger arrives BELIEVE with a suitcase – Frida, sent from the government, announces she will be SUNSHINE HELPS Ruth’s carer. The enigmatic woman THEM FEEL brings life and laughter back to the MORE HAPPY household, and listens to Ruth’s stories about growing up in Fiji and the man she AND POSITIVE.** Recycled heart/head glasses, £49 for six, fell for there. But Ruth can still hear the WE’VE NEVER Space 1a Design tiger breathing in the dead of night, and HEARD A BETTER soon starts noticing things are amiss. Addressing our fear of isolation in a EXCUSE TO world where families are increasingly START LOOKING scattered, The Night Guest is a suspenseful debut novel that holds you AT SUMMER in its powerful jaws throughout. SB BREAKS…

ARGUING THAT COOPERATION DRIVES EVOLUTION MORE THAN COMPETITION AND USING ALTRUISTIC VAMPIRE BATS AS AN EXAMPLE, COMEDIAN

12 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 HERE COME THE GIRLS Need an excuse to book that getaway with the girls this year? New research† shows that regardless of age, marital status or nationality, all-girl breaks are important at every stage of life; from providing bonding opportunities and adventure in youth, to much-needed breaks from careers or family as adults, and for independence in later life.

Set of two leather luggage tags in violet lizard, £35, Aspinal FILM OF THE MONTH of London Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom Directed by Justin Chadwick ★ ★ ★ ★ To pull the events of a person’s life into 146 minutes is tough, and even tougher if that person is the late Nelson Mandela. But Justin Chadwick does an impressive job of depicting Mandela’s legendary life events with momentum and meaning. Idris Elba as Mandela is fantastic throughout, from a confi dent young lawyer whose once-peaceful cause turned to violence, to a softly spoken older man showing great patience and restraint, and as in his autobiography, the fi lm doesn’t portray him as perfect by any means. But for us, Naomie Harris steals the show as strong-willed, eventually radical Winnie. Through her we observe how desperate black South Africa truly felt, and see the stark contrast between the couple’s experiences, leading to their split. It’s a beautiful fi lm, doused in African sunlight and fuelled by a story that changed the world. AR

BOOKS TO SOOTHE THE SOUL

WE LOVE: White Beech by Germaine Greer (Bloomsbury, £25) Our friends at Radio 4 tell us why her story will touch your heart:

‘Like many of us, I ﬁ rst became aware of Germaine Greer when I read The Female Eunuch,’ says BBC Radio 4 producer Jane Marshall. ‘Her new book is written not by a passionate young feminist but by a woman in her seventies who has lost none of her energy to speak out for causes. This time, her quest is to “heal” a piece of land in her native Australia with the help of her sister, a botanist. It’s a book in search of “heart’s ease”, a story of struggle, generosity, determination and triumph against the odds. I met Germaine when we produced a rea ding of the book. Hearing her read her own story reminded me how di cult it must be to have each half of your heart in countries so far apart. I am sure listeners will ﬁ nd her love for her motherland, and for her sister, both touching and revealing.’ Germaine Greer reads from her new book ‘White Beech’ on BBC Radio 4’s ‘Book of the Week’ slot from 27 to 31 January. The series is abridged and produced by Jane Marshall Productions. * ‘BACK THE TO FUTURE: NOSTALGIA INCREASES OPTIMISM’, UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHAMPTON.**RESEARCH CONDUCTED BY ORIGIN, MANUFACTURER OF BI-FOLDING DOORS.OVER THE †‘GIRLFRIEND LIFE COURSE: GETAWAYS CHANGE AND CONTINUITY’. HEATHER J. GIBSON, ET AL,RESEARCH, ANNALS OF LEISURE 2012. BOOK REVIEWS: STACEY BARTLETT. FILM REVIEW: ALI ROFF

AND JOURNALIST ROB NEWMAN’S ‘NEW THEORY OF EVOLUTION’ IS AT THE SOHO THEATRE FROM 6–18 JANUARY 2014, SOHOTHEATRE.COM

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 13 THE FIX

CAFFEINE FIX Whether you are trying to cut down on co ee or just use it more LSA Polka e ciently here are our tips on making the best of your beans: Cup & Saucer, ● Hold o your ﬁ rst co ee until at least 9.30am. Natural morning £45 for 4, John Lewis cortisol production raises alertness, so neuroscientist Steven Miller argues it is more e ective to drink ca eine after this peak. ● Need a second wind? Try drinking a cup of co ee before a quick nap, rather than after, so the ca eine takes e ect as you wake up*. ● Cycle to work, or pick up your walking pace instead of a morning co ee. Aerobic exercise has been found to boost cognitive ability** as increased heart rate improves oxygen and nutrient ﬂ ow through the blood to the brain, allowing it to perform better***.

NEW PAPERBACKS

The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion 5% (Michael Joseph, £7.99) OF US THINK HAVING A SMALL When Don, a borderline autistic CLOTHES SIZE IS A SIGN OF professor with high standards, decides to create a survey to ﬁ nd a wife, he never HEALTH AND FITNESS, BUT 54% expects spontaneous Rosie to disrupt THINK POSITIVE ENERGY IS his foolproof plan. A refreshing debut † that will make you laugh out loud. THE BIGGEST TELLTALE SIGN

Big Brother by Lionel Shriver (Harper, £7.99) Pandora’s older brother is obese. Appalled by his slovenly habits and bad diet, she takes him into her home to try turn his life around – at the expense of her own family. Big Brother is a darkly humorous take on a modern issue, based on the writer’s experiences with her own brother.

DVD Life After Life by Kate Atkinson (Black Swan, £7.99) PEACOCK What if you had a chance to live your life Psychological thriller Peacock boasts a fantastic cast, * ‘COUNTERACTING DRIVER SLEEPINESS: EFFECTS OF NAPPING, CAFFEINE, AND PLACEBO.’ HORNE JA,

again and again till you got it right? This including Susan Sarandon, Cillian Murphy and Ellen Page. extraordinary book follows the story of It follows John [Murphy], a young man living with multiple Ursula Todd, born three times during a personality disorder. His alter ego identity is Emma; a woman snowstorm in 1910, who lives out her life who does his housework daily. But when an accident thrusts through various scenarios in Second strangers into John’s seemingly normal life, his secret is nearly World War London. SB exposed and Emma threatens to take over his life completely.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX AND SCARLETT JOHANSSON STAR IN ‘HER’, WHERE HUMANS USE DIGITAL OPERATING SYSTEMS AS THEIR ULTIMATE REYNER LA. PSYCHOPHYSIOLOGY. 1996 MAY;33(3):306-9. ** ‘BE SMART, EXERCISE YOUR HEART: EXERCISECHARLES H. EFFECTS HILLMAN, ON BRAIN ET AL, AND SCIENCE COGNITION.’ AND SOCIETY. *** ‘SHORTER TERM AEROBICCARDIOVASCULAR EXERCISE IMPROVES FITNESS BRAIN, IN AGEING.’ CHAPMAN COGNITION, ET AL, FRONT. AND AGING NEUROSCIENCE, 12 NOVEMBER 2013.FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 132 † SURVEY CONDUCTED BY FITNESSFIRST.

14 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 THE FIX

CULTURE

So Many Books! Bookends £15.95, The A love letter Literary Gift to the world Company Photographer Sebastião Salgado’s collection Genesis (Taschen, £44.99) is the result of an eight-year expedition to encounter the people of the world who have not been touched by modern society. Here the women in the Zo’é village of Towari Ypy in Brazil use the ‘THERE IS NO FRIGATE LIKE A BOOK urucum red fruit to color their TO TAKE US LANDS AWAY bodies, especially NOR ANY COURSERS LIKE A PAGE lips, giving it the nickname OF PRANCING POETRY…’ ‘lipstick tree’. Emily Dickinson

PERSONAL ASSISTANTS. BUT LINES BETWEEN DIGITAL AND REALITY BLUR WHEN THEIR RELATIONSHIP EVOLVES (OUT 10 JANUARY).

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 15 THE FIX

Mareika mini tablet case, Colbalt bra, £26, £50, Marc by and briefs, £12, Marc Jacobs Boux Avenue

Two-tone sweater, £140, Sportmax Code Windsor overcoat, £399, Hobbs

Rose gold ring, £75, Folli Follie

Floral dress, £65, Asos

STYLE True blue We might traditionally associate the colour blue with feelings of serenity and calm, or sadness or perhaps the cold, but just like a clear blue sky invites us to jump out of bed and make the most of our day, scientiﬁ c researchers* have found that the colour blue can actually make us more productive. A cobalt hue has the power to boost creative thinking, and even has a positive e ect on our intelligence. So, on a dreary morning, when the grey skies threaten and all we really want to do is drag the duvet back over our head, we might just beneﬁ t from pulling on a cosy cerulean jumper, or a pair of shiny sapphire Metallic shoes. Or carry your tablet computer in a shoes, cobalt case and inject a productivity hit £492, Pollin wherever you go. After all, colour is simply

Trousers, * ‘BLUE OR RED? EXPLORING THE EFFECT OF COLOUR ON COGNITIVE PERFORMANCES’, TASK UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA, RAVI MEHTA, RUI (JULIET) ZHU, 2009. COMPILED BY BONNIE RAHKIT AND ALI FOR ROFF. STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 132 £95, Reiss light and light is energy, so let’s get colourful ourselves while we keep an eye out for that elusive blue sky.

‘I, WHEN IN GOOD HUMOUR, GIVE GRASS ITS GREEN, BLAZON SKY BLUE, AND ENDOW THE SUN WITH GOLD...’ SYLVIA PLATH, COLLECTED POEMS

16 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 lavera. naturally e ective

Pure nature - the 6in1 Beauty Balm Organic Acai Berry, for all skin types, is the new trend in facial care products. Lavera Beauty Balm Organic Acia Berry is a multifunctional day cream to hydrate and protect the skin while mattifying the complexion, minimising imperfections and pores to leave the skin radiant and awless. Pure nature, the Lavera concept for beautiful skin! www.lavera.co.uk THE BIG CONVERSATION British actress Kate Winslet has been a household name since starring in 1990s blockbuster Titanic and winning an Oscar for her role in The Reader. She talks to us about her new thriller, Labor Day, as well as fame and motherhood

KATEWINSLET “It’s funny, this notion that when you become a famous person, you stop doing normal things

photography carolyn cole/los angeles times/contour ’’

18 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2014 the big conversation

JANUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 19 the big conversation

>>> Kate Winslet, 38, is threatening to sneeze at I have just been the time of interview – with potentially embarrassing consequences. She is pregnant and wearing a fabulous, red, very“ lucky that I’ve sequinned gown for the premiere of Labor Day in London’s Leicester Square. ‘I’m not quite waddling. Just don’t let me always been quite sneeze, because I might wet myself at the same time – you’re thrilled I said that, aren’t you?’ she laughs. comfortable with We’re catching up with her to talk about the film, based on a novel by Joyce Maynard, which tells the story of a troubled, who I am agoraphobic, single mum. ‘I have admiration for mothers ” everywhere, whether they’re single or not, and for fathers too, because parenthood turns you inside out,’ Winslet recently Psychologies: Have you dared to sit and watch the film? said. ‘It completely transforms your life.’ And she talks from We haven’t stopped crying since we saw it. experience. She has a daughter, Mia, 13, from her first mar- Kate: I watched it with two friends the night before it was riage to Jim Threapleton, who she met on the set of Hideous screened at the Toronto Film Festival and actually sat there Kinky in 1997, and a son, Joe, nine, from her marriage to direc- and thought to myself, ‘Why am I doing this?’ There are some tor Sam Mendes, who she separated from in 2010 and later particularly difficult scenes that involve my character and an divorced. She married Ned Rocknroll, a nephew of Richard infant and I just wanted to run out of the cinema. I’m really Branson, in December 2012, and at time of going to press she very proud to be a part of the film, but yeah, it’s incredibly had just given birth to a baby boy. moving and I think I won’t watch it again for a while now. Winslet originally hails from Reading and is the second of It’s not a typical Hollywood love story. four children. She made her film debut inHeavenly Creatures Kate: Well I don’t really like typical Hollywood, it’s not the aged 19, and is the youngest person kind of thing I tend to be drawn to accrue six Academy Award nom- to. No, it’s different, it’s based on The film inations, appearing in Titanic, the a book by Joyce Maynard and set highest grossing film in history at Labor Day in the 1980s in the States. I play the time, when she was just 22. She The story is seen through the eyes of 13-year- Adele, the single mother of Henry, finally won a best actress Oscar for old Henry Wheeler (Gattlin Griffith) and the and one day she finds herself help- her performance as a concentra- man he later becomes (listen for the dulcet ing Frank, a stranger, at the very tion camp guard in The Reader in tones of Tobey Maguire as the older Henry). beginning of the film. She agrees to 2008. She’s being hotly tipped for Living with Adele, his depressed, agoraphobic give him a ride and asks him where mother (Kate Winslet), who has not got over another Oscar nomination for her he wants to go once he’s in the car, her divorce from his father (Clark Gregg), role as Adele in Labor Day, but and he says, ‘Your house.’ So, lo and Henry feels the heavy weight of the Winslet is modest. ‘It hasn’t crossed responsibility of caring for his mum. At the behold, she’s suddenly taking this my mind,’ she says. ‘Awards season start of Labor Day weekend, while on a rare very strange, bloodied person back is always huge fun and it’s been a excursion into town, Henry comes across an to her home – and yes, they do fall really exciting year for film, so I’m injured man, Frank (Josh Brolin), who asks for in love. At first you think there’s looking forward to it, but this time refuge in their home, and Adele reluctantly no explanation for it, but as you get I’ll be putting my feet up with the agrees. Over the course of the next four days, to know these two characters, you baby.’ Labor Day is directed by we realise that all is not as it seems and realise there are lots of similarities Jason Reitman (whose previous although mother and son are taken ‘hostage’, between them and that actually he films includeJuno, Thank You For they enjoy a short-lived idyll of family life with is a really wonderful man. this great hunk of a man, seemingly the answer Smoking and Up In The Air) and So what drew you to the role of to everyone’s prayers. ‘I came to save you, also stars Josh Brolin as Frank, the Adele? Adele,’ Frank says at one point. Adele’s hunger mysterious man Adele picks up, I just found the relationship for love and her son’s need for a father figure Kate: and young talent Gattlin Griffith are met metaphorically with Frank’s home- between Adele and Frank beau- as her son Henry. A coming-of-age cooked dinners – culminating in a pie-baking tiful, so that was a big pull for me. story, Labor Day touches on themes scene that is a feast for the senses. Ultimately Also, I hadn’t really played a char- of guilt and innocence – but be a film about grief and betrayal, Labor Day acter like this before. She’s quite warned, it’s a bit of a weepy. is romantic without being sentimental. weak in many ways, fragile, and

20 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 Kate Winslet as Juliet, with Melanie Lynskey, in The role that put her on the Hollywood A-list, Peter Jackson’s Heavenly Creatures in 1994 as Rose in 1997’s blockbuster movie Titanic

Blooming in red at the London premiere of Labor Day Winslet, with David Kross, in her Oscar-winning role As lonely single mother Adele in Labor Day, with Josh as prison guard Hanna Schmitz in The Reader Brolin as Frank and Gattlin Griffith as Henry

I’m not used to playing characters like that. I’m used to play- I wouldn’t know how to put the chain back on the bike or fi x ing people who are full-blooded and more obviously strong. cement in the wall. Maybe it’s us who are lacking. Maybe it’s Although Adele has a degree of strength, it takes a while for the girls who need to pump it up. the audience to see it. So I just knew it would be challenging, You must be better at cooking in real life than you were and I always look for that. on screen? In the fi lm, we see Adele being cooked for by Frank. Can Kate: I’m fabulous. [Laughs.] But I was just saying this morn- we just say that when you were cooking, you looked as ing to the lovely girl who did my make-up, ‘Did you ever have if you didn’t have a clue what to do? days where you think, “Oh, my God. I don’t know what to Kate: It’s acting, darling! [She laughs.] But surely every cook any more?”. People say to me, “You cook?” and I’m like, woman – and correct me if I’m wrong here – probably enjoys “Who else is going to fucking cook?” [Laughs.] Do you know being cooked for every once in a while. That’s defi nitely a what I mean? It’s funny, this notion that when you become a really nice gesture. But how do I go into this without making famous person, you stop doing normal things. Maybe some it like I’m talking about my own life? There’s only a certain people do, but I think I’d be so unhappy if I didn’t do it. number of times a man can unload a dishwasher before it’s When you were making the decision to act, what did you just not sexy any more. [Laughing.] That’s my opinion. think it was going to be like? Really? Don’t you think men should share the load of Kate: In terms of what I imagined, I saw a life on the bread- household chores? line, trotting around London, hopefully going for lots of Kate: Of course. When it comes to things within the home, auditions. I grew up in a family of people who would have a

WORDS: IFA/INTERVIEW HUB. PHOTOGRAPHS: PHOTOGRAPHS: HUB. IFA/INTERVIEW WORDS: PICTURES PARAMOUNT TIM ROOKE/REX, REX, deﬁ nitely. But at the same time, I couldn’t change a tyre. party if someone even had an audition, so when I was that >>>

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 21 the big conversation

22 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2014 the big conversation

you don’t find something wrong, well, where do you go? What I have admiration kind of person would I be if I thought that I was brilliant or “ I thought that I’d got it right every time? But I do still find for mothers watching myself… well, it’s still really weird. everywhere. How do you manage having both a fantastic career and a family, and now having another baby coming? How parenthood turns do you cope with it all? Kate: Mia and Joe are a bit older now. It makes it easier you inside out because they dress themselves, that kind of thing. It is a jug- ” gle and you just somehow pull it together and it works. Ned, my husband, is absolutely incredible and he looks after us >>> girl running around town with my bag and my script pages, all. In fact, the other day Joe asked, ‘How come there are no it was amazing. That was the life I imagined. I certainly other dads on the school run?’ And we both went, ‘It’s because didn’t think I’d be in films, it didn’t even cross my mind. It’s this is the way we’re doing it.’ The kids really love that. the reason I think I’ve been able to remain sane, because You’re very much admired for refusing to have plastic it’s really exciting when there’s someone new that we talk surgery. What are your thoughts on women who feel the about and there’s someone exciting coming through and pressure to stay youthful? doing well. But then you also hear horror stories where you Kate: I could talk about this until the cows come home, but think, ‘God, who’s looking after these people and why does it why are we still talking about this shit? It’s ridiculous. It’s seem like they’re losing their way?’ I mean, you think about very hard to comment in a generic way without making it someone like Miley Cyrus, and I said to my daughter the sound in any way critical. We all want to look good. I think other day, ‘I’m this close to opening my mouth about what’s we do care to a certain extent – whether you’re a vain person going on with that girl.’ [Laughs.] My daughter’s 13 and she or not, you think about what you look like, even if you look said, ‘Mum, just don’t Mum, don’t.’ I’m not going to go there. in the mirror for two minutes before you walk out the door. But one’s heart does kind of go, ‘Who is actually saying, “Stop But it doesn’t seem to be getting any better really, does it? for a second. What do you want? Who are you?”.’ I’ve just Can you tell us about why you chose not to do that? been very lucky that I’ve always been quite comfortable Kate: It’s my face. I just wouldn’t want to do that to myself. with who I am. Sometimes people ask, ‘What do you wish I care about myself and there are other ways of caring about for your children?’ and all I say is, ‘I want them to be happy one’s appearance that don’t involve injections and being being them.’ carved up. Also, I think I’d feel a bit dishonest if I was mak- Are you glad that you didn’t rise to prominence in the ing my face do less. I don’t know how I’d be able to do my job. internet age? Did you always imagine you would have lots of children Kate: Yes I am. It’s really rough now, I think, for young and a big family? actors, actresses and pop stars. It’s a nightmare. They can’t Kate: I think when you come from a big family, which I did, do anything. I’m so not going near that whole world – I don’t and my mother came from a very big family, I think you need it. I don’t need to feed it, I don’t need to be fed by it. But always imagine you will be surrounded by a lot of people, we live in a world where we have to be aware of all this stuff, definitely. I always wanted to have children and I just unfortunately. And it’s feeding this young generation in a feel incredibly lucky. There I was thinking, ‘OK, I’ve got my way that’s beyond terrifying, so normal friendships aren’t two wonderful children’, and here I am with another one even normal friendships any more because, half the time, on the way. I just feel so, so lucky. they seem to be forging relationships with people they’ve ‘Labor Day’ is released in the UK on 7 February never met. So I do feel incredibly lucky. Are you judgemental when you watch yourself on the big screen? Join THE Psychologies Film Club Kate: Oh, yeah. I think most actors are. I’ve not heard a single 1. If you met a stranger who needed help, would you reach out to them? actor ever say, ‘I loved my performance in blah, blah, blah.’ 2. What really attracts people to each other – desire or need? Because you don’t believe in perfection? 3. Can you ever lose ‘love itself’? Kate: No, I actually don’t believe in perfection. I genuinely Visit facebook.com/psychologiesmagazine for your invitation don’t. But it’s not only that. I would hope I always do find to join the Psychologies Film Club things wrong with performances that I’ve given because if

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 23

dossier

FLourish! So, another new year. Does it fill you with energy and excitement? Or do you feel overwhelmed, a hangover from the things you failed to achieve last year? This month we offer a different approach, backed up by research from leaders in the positive psychology field. We don’t want to tick goals off a list, we want to flourish! Flourishing is the brainchild of Martin Seligman, the godfather of positive psychology, who believes happiness is too fleeting to invest all our energy in and if we aspire to flourish instead, we’ll build something more lasting. We offer a 12-month masterplan: tips on building a strong vision, courage and self-knowledge that will set you up not just for January, but, hopefully, the rest of 2014. Go forth and... flourish!

ILLUSTRATIONS LULU/ CWC INTERNATIONAL DOSSIER

FLOURISH!

YOUR 12-POINT ACTION PLAN Welcome to our month-by-month guide to creating change while boosting your sense of wellbeing. Created by Cheryl Rickman, the key elements of ﬂ ourishing – positive emotion, engagement, positive relationships, meaning and accomplishment (PERMA) – are built into the plan. Follow our steps, log your progress, prepare to be amazed

JANUARY power can be increased tenfold by meditating under gentle shades of violet, as often found in church windows. So, these Flourish at home days I try to buy yellow fl owers where possible, or put my As our outer world a ects our inner world, what better way fl owers (whatever colour) into yellow or purple vases. to start on this fl ourishing journey than to roll your sleeves up and get your house in order? Our programme for change FEBRUARY is based on Martin Seligman’s positive psychology princi- ples, and was drawn up by Cheryl Rickman, author of The Generate more energy Flourish Handbook (CreateSpace Independent Publishing There’s a definite link between energy and wellbeing. Platform, £11.99). So, the fi rst step is to create a conducive Happiness is energising in itself. The more energy you have, environment in which to plant your seeds of possibility. theFEBRUARY better you feel and the more able you are to achieve, par- You’ll save time with everything in its place, easy to locate. ticipate and stay motivated. The more energy you have, the Also, according to research, decluttering can reduce house- more self-control you have, too, so you’re better able to resist work by 40 per cent. It’ll restore your mental energy, and is temptation, avoid procrastination and get on with your life. incredibly uplifting, too. Make some room for what matters. DEVOTE THE NEXT MONTH TO FINDING DECLUTTER FOR 10 MINUTES A DAY YOUR IDEAL EXERCISE From now on, dedicate a little time to tidying. That 1 Do this by trying different types of activities, for 1 way, you’re not greeted by chaos every morning. example, cycling, running or swimming – which you can do Schedule in a weekly 15 to 30-minute slot to deal with paper- on your own – or a group class such as Zumba, or a team work and fi le it. Take it seriously: mark time in your diary or sport, such as netball. Have a go and fi nd out which activity phone calendar. Each time you leave a room, take an item makes you feel happiest and most full of energy. with you to put back in its original place. LIST ENERGISING ACTIVITIES TO DO AND PUT ASIDE MONEY TO ENHANCE THE PLACES TO VISIT WHEN FEELING LOW SPACE WHERE YOU SPEND MOST TIME 2 For example, I’ve learnt that if I take a shower, visit 2 Whether you spend £10 or £100, make your home or the library, go for a walk in a fi eld or dance, I keep that glum o ce more welcoming or serene – whatever vibe you wish to feeling at bay and replace gloom with bloom. create. For me, buying luxury notebooks and fi ne tip coloured pens, the tools of my trade, gives me a boost and makes my SCRIBBLE AND DOODLE work more pleasurable. Do some colouring in – with or without children. Life 3 coach Karen Salmansohn suggests doodling hearts USE COLOUR TO LIFT YOUR MOOD with smiley faces: ‘The silliness of this, with the repeated It’s a well documented fact that the colour yellow visual stimulus of seeing icons representing love, will cheer 3 can lift the spirits, while a violet hue can enhance you up.’ This is very effective if you then give your heart feelings of serenity. Leonardo da Vinci said that meditation doodles to a loved one, cheering them up in the process. >>>

26 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 27 >>> MARCH Let your mind flourish In order to survive, thrive and sustain a real zest for life on a daily basis, we need two kinds of energy. According to Mira Kirshenbaum, psychologist and author of The Emotional Energy Factor (Delta, £9.88), 70 per cent of our energy requirements are emotional, while only 30 per cent of them are physical. ‘It is the emotional component APRIL that we need in order to face challenges, to have hope, to be able to respond with interest and excitement to an opportunity,’ explains Kirshenbaum. Find your purpose Having a purpose promotes essential growth and pride. Keep a thought diary But why does a purposeful life make for a happy one? This will audit your emotional energy. List those Studies reveal that optimism is easier to cultivate and 1 thinking patterns that boost and sap your energy. obstacles easier to surmount if you are committed to a For example, if you’re dwelling on a certain person’s behav- set of values, a cause or a purpose. Having a purpose iour, worrying about your finances or feeling jealous – any strengthens your resolve to persist during tough times; it of these can sap emotional energy. Conversely, when you fills you with determination and bolsters your confidence. think about an activity with a person you’re looking forward It is far easier to have the courage of your convictions if to seeing, or say ‘no’ to something that you don’t want to do, those convictions are woven into an overarching purpose. you’re likely to feel your emotional energy is boosted. Find your cause Boost your energy What matters most to you? What core causes do Once you’ve listed these thoughts, think about ways 1 you care about? What makes you cross? If you had 2 to reduce the stuff that saps your energy and increase a magic wand, what would you like to change in society? the things that give you a boost. For example, when you start The glass ceiling? Fat cat bosses? Injustices? Unrealised dwelling on someone’s behaviour, notice your thought potential? Poverty? War? Gender stereotyping? List what process. Then stop. Focus with intent on thinking about matters to you most. something else. Do something that requires your full concentration, or simply take some deep breaths. Identify your values Live your values every day. What is really impor- Detox your Facebook 2 tant to you? Good manners, kindness, positivity, If you feel like you are constantly comparing yourself family values, ambition, success, caring about the environ- 3 negatively to other people on Facebook, take some ment, human rights, education? Does your life reflect time to list what you do have. Chances are that you have a lot these values? Sometimes with so much going on, it can be of what other people would like. If you can’t see that the really easy to lose sight of our core values, unless we have person you envy is quite possibly presenting a self-edited ingrained them into our own identity. version of their lives which doesn’t include the less rosy stuff, then spend less time on Facebook or around those Outline your mission statement people who make you feel inadequate. If you still think Write down your own personal mission statement there’s a problem then tackle it, and focus on improving 3 using some of the words from your values list that yourself and taking action to achieve what you wish for. resonate most powerfully with you.

28 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 dossier

MAY JUNE Have fun Live in the present By optimising each experience, life becomes instantly more moment enjoyable. Instilling quality control over your day-to-day It’s time to regain control of your life. Have you ever noticed experiences will enable you to enjoy your journey through how when others are preoccupied – nodding yet not really life far more. listening or paying attention to what you’re saying – that it’s annoying? But we do that to ourselves all the time. Thinking Write a fun list ‘ooh, I really ought to exercise more, go to bed earlier, or eat Brainstorm feelgood activities that you enjoy which more healthily’ but then being preoccupied and dismissing 1 will provide you with the utmost satisfaction. What the good intention as quickly as it popped into our minds. do you love to do? Get scribbling and write non-stop for 10 We wolf down our food without savouring each mouthful. minutes. Which are the topics and activities that interest Or we end up rereading a page of our book because we’re you and get you excited, that you could talk about or happily thinking about all the stuff we need to do; we don’t pay full engage in for hours on end? What are your favourite smells, attention to someone who is telling us something because sounds or sights? How might you experience more of these our mind is elsewhere. through your fun activities? Stop being preoccupied for at The challenge list least 15 minutes each day Now jot down a list of all the engaging activities that 1 Take the time this month to sit silently so that you can 2 you find gratifying, yet challenging. This will be your regain control of your thoughts, become aware of what is engaging/challenging list. These activities should require happening internally and externally in any given moment, skills and concentration. Put a star next to the ones that and listen to yourself. you love to do most. You will be scheduling them into your flourish calendar later on. Embrace life, warts and all Try to savour both the good moments and the bad, Open a fun account or money box 2 and then you will feel better equipped to deal with Not a savings account but an account in which you all that life entails. Learn to accept the fact that life is often 3 deposit between one to 10 per cent of your monthly difficult, and that’s just how it is. income to spend on you, to spend on having fun, on activities that you or your family enjoy, whether those are gardening, Notice more ice-skating, basketball, having a massage and a facial, eating Rather than watch your child running about on the out with friends or buying magazines or books to read. You 3 football pitch in between chatting to other mothers might already do this, but making a point of putting aside and texting, instead notice the excitement in her eyes when money specifically for free-time activities each month will she manages that tough tackle. Breathe the moment in. Take make you focus more on what you do and how you do it. a mental snapshot of it, bottle it and cherish it. >>> AUGUST

Be thankful >>> JULY Gratitude is all about enjoying life right now and appreciat- ing what you already have. Despite having so many more opportunities, more stuff and greater potential to flourish, Develop relationships society as a whole is reportedly less happy than it used to Positive relationships with other people contribute massively be. A major cause of this downward spiral can be attributed to our level of wellbeing and mitigate stress. If you have at to the modern-day default focus on what is lacking, coupled least one close long-term friendship plus a relationship net- with increasingly high expectations. work of five or more key confidantes, you are, according to studies, more likely to describe yourself as ‘very happy’. Cherish ‘now’ more Having someone (or something) who is always pleased to Don’t wait for your desired future to bring you happi- see you and who you are always pleased to see is a vital 1 ness. Instead of thinking, ‘I’ll be happy when I get that contributor to happiness, as is having people to rely on for job/house/car/have children/get married,’ think to yourself emotional support. ‘I’m happy now and here’s why’. This ‘I’ll be happy when’ belief that achieving a certain goal will make you happy is Hang out and spend time with known as ‘arrival fallacy’ – read more in Tal Ben-Shahar’s happy, positive people book Happier (McGraw Hill Professional, £10.99). 1 Moods are contagious, officially so. The scientific name given to the notion of someone lifting us up or bringing us Keep a gratitude jar down is emotional contagion. So avoid being infected by In addition to, or instead of, writing gratitude state- negativity and spend some time with positive people. 2 ments expressing thanks for specific moments or things, write them on a scrap of paper in one sentence – either Declutter your social as they happen or at the end of each day – and drop them in relationships a jar. This will allow you to capture those fleeting moments 2 Create, build and maintain a network of people who that will soon disappear from your memory. For example, lift you up and make you feel good, and do all you can to help ‘Chloe really surprised me today when she called around them. Avoid spending time with those who bring you down, unannounced with coffee and cake. I am so grateful to have those toxic people who pollute you with their negativity. her as a friend.’ Avoid any people, activities or thoughts that drag you down. Go on regular gratitude walks List your happy friends Find a place to go to affirm your gratitude statements Think of those who make you feel so good that when 3 and give thanks for all that you already have. Aim to 3 you say goodbye to them you sigh happily and feel find a place that is quiet and frequented by few people – a pleased and privileged to know them. Who’s got your back? place you can call your own.

30 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 dossier

SEPTEMBER

Consider why you want whatever Create a flourishing vision it is you want Whatever you wish to accomplish in your life, it is absolutely 2 For example, say you list ‘a dream home of my own vital to dream. Human beings end up thriving whenever they in such-and-such village’. Ask yourself, what would achiev- are striving towards something. According to the Australian ing that actually give you? It might be that safe feeling that nurse and author Bronnie Ware, who spent several years comes with security, perhaps? It might give you a place to working in palliative care – caring for terminally ill patients show off to your friends and impress people with. It might in the last 12 weeks of their lives – the most common regret give you a feeling of having made it, which in turn would of all that she lists in her book, The Top Ten Regrets Of probably give you more confidence, which in turn might The Dying (Hay House UK, £10.99), was ‘not having had the give you peace of mind – might that be it? Ask yourself courage to live a life true to myself, instead of the life others what each thing gives you. There is always more to your expected of me’. Keep that in mind – are you living the life desires than you think. you want to live? find ways to create those Clarify and set your goals feelings of safety, security, The first stop here is to define your destination. Visualise 3 or confidence right now 1 where you wish to be and precisely what you wish to Do something today and all week that will give you the achieve, going forward. Imagine if you were granted a wish same feelings you’ll have when you’ve achieved your goal. to create your dream life and write down your three biggest It’s a start. You can then begin to formulate a plan to help goals based on that. you achieve your goal, but focus on this feeling first. >>> dossier

>>> OCTOBER NOVEMBER Be persistent Make time to flourish While your dreams should be wild, your plans should be real. Lack of time is constantly cited as a major barrier to success, Plans are stepping stones to reach your wildest dreams, a no matter what it is we are trying to achieve. And trying to sequence of logical actions that take you step by step from cram everything in whatever way we can soon leaves us where you are now to where you wish to be. So let’s explore feeling impatient and grouchy and like we haven’t really how to create an achievable action plan and stick to it. got anywhere. Aim to create an extra hour in your day by doing the following exercises. Focus your actions Your vision is only half of it. You need to ‘do’ as well as Focus by giving yourself blasts of 1 think. Create an action plan and make sure you take allocated time for certain tasks daily action steps. The plan should outline exactly what you 1 Focus on those tasks you have deemed a priority for need to do in order to achieve your goals, step by step, action at least 45 to 60 minutes at a time and try to get rid of any by action. So be specific. List knowledge to learn, skills to other distractions while you are concentrating on complet- develop, obstacles to overcome and so on. ing each of the top five priority items on your to-do list. Only check your social media feed or your email once that 45 Give each task an to 60 minutes is up. achievable deadline 2 Listing the required steps will reveal that your goal Become a time detective is more attainable than you may have envisaged. And plan- There are only so many hours in the day but there ning is vital. Writing down your goals, creating a plan and 2 are several ways by which you can maximise your then taking focused action will increase your chances of time by being more productive, spending it more wisely achieving them tenfold. The bottom line? If you engage in and aiming to cut how much of it gets wasted. Keep a log consistent action and take a step towards your goal every for a day or perhaps a week to track exactly how you are single day you will reach your destination. spending your time, what takes up most of it, etc. It’s time to catch those time thieves, as it were. Reward yourself We give our children stars and rewards for good Use technology to harness time 3 behaviour, so why not reward yourself for complet- For example, rescuetime.com informs you which ing a task, particularly one you are not moti- 3 websites or programmes you tend to spend the long- vated to complete? By writing or drawing a est periods of time on, so that you can discover which areas picture of your chosen reward that you’ll you need to address soonest. If Facebook is your biggest give yourself when the job is done, you are distraction, there is a tool that restricts the amount of time more likely to get on and do it. you spend on that as well: go to FacebookLimiter.com.

32 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 DECEMBER Carry on flourishing In order to maintain your flourishing masterplan, you will need to schedule in all of the tips and actions you’ve learnt on an ongoing basis. You will not only schedule in tasks that enable you to achieve your goals, you will also boost your wellbeing by scheduling in activities that will make you feel more positive emotions, and help you pursue your purpose, give your life meaning and make you feel happier. Draw up a flourish calendar so that you can schedule ongoing actions and tasks that you have learnt from each month. Try committing to doing the following:

Devote 15 to 30 minutes to tidying Dedicate an evening to doing an 1every day to stay on top of clutter/ 6 activity that you’ve never done paperwork and to keep your spaces before that requires learning. clear and organised. Make it a priority to arrange new Schedule in early nights at least 7 friend get-togethers or alterna- 2 three nights per week (and do tively take some classes specifically your best to stick to them). to meet new people. Create time to reminisce – once a Make time every day to record 3 week/fortnight/month revisit 8 what you’re thankful for in your your happy memories. gratitude diary/journal or jar. Make the time to laugh. Schedule Schedule a block of time to lend 4 in a regular TV/DVD/book night 9 support to friends. in or a night out to a comedy club. And lastly, make sure you also Make an appointment with your- 10 remember to mark some time 5 self and/or loved ones to do some on your planner for fun with friends of the things that you used to love and family that you can really look when you were 10 or 11 years old. forward to.

The full Flourish masterplan – including downloadable worksheets, planners and playlists is included in ‘The Flourish Handbook’. See flourishhandbook.com for more details. To take part in a special 90-Day Flourish Challenge and get daily email reminders visit FlourishChallenge.com Join us on Tuesday 28 January at 8pm for a webinar How To Flourish In 2014 with Cheryl Rickman. Log on to psychologies.co.uk/events/webinar-flourish-2014 DOSSIER

FLOURISH!

I HAVE A DREAM As a youngster, maybe you ‘dreamt of being an astronaut but your ’teacher told you to stop being ridiculous and aim for ‘a proper job’. But now you’re all grown up, can you really make your childhood dreams happen? Rosalynn Try-Hane commits to dreaming big – in writing PHOTOGRAPHY MAGALI DELPORTE

y current dreams sound like a SESSION ONE grown-up version of the ‘so what do you want to be when you grow up?’ game that I play with my Start with the end in mind six-year-old goddaughter – Tamsen began by asking me what it might feel like to have they feel that fanciful to me achieved my dream of being a full-time writer. I was stuck. sometimes. But if I’m being really I said that I know what I want but how am I realistically brave and really honest, I would tell you that I would love going to achieve it? Then she presented me with the fi rst Mto be an (Oscar) award-winning storyteller, who writes for of many ‘aha’ moment phrases: ‘Forget about the how and television and the big screen as well as magazines, who is focus on the what.’ Up until that point I hadn’t realised known for delivering insightful, witty and creative work. just how often I say ‘how’ and it was this three-lettered There. I’ve written it down for others to read – and word that was ultimately keeping me stuck, like wheels guess what? I feel silly already. perpetually spinning rather than picking up traction and From the outside, my life looks absolutely fi ne. I am moving the vehicle forward. a lawyer, and, not only that, I have the added bonus of I trained as a lawyer so the how is something that is working and living in the beautiful city of Paris. Am I entrenched in my psyche as a practical problem-solver. completely insane to give this all up to try create a new I am a realist. And it didn’t feel realistic to change career career and chase my childhood dream? in my mid-thirties. How on I always wanted to be a writer when I was young but my earth would I do it? Round mother and my teachers at school all told me to get my ‘At the age of and round I’d go, indecisive, head out of the clouds and train to do ‘a proper job’ – which 36, my writing paralysed, doing nothing but is how I ended up studying law for seven years, and dream is simply feeling dissatisfi ed. Tamsen followed that up by working for everyone from former refusing to die. explained that want is a Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone, to a big City law fi rm as greater motivator than need. a planning lawyer. And this year, Why do I want to be a writer? But at the age of 36, my writing dream is simply refusing in 2014, I’ve Because it’s the only time to die. It’s not going away. And this year, in 2014, I’ve decided to do I don’t feel like a fraud, I told decided to do everything I can to try to make it happen. her. As a lawyer in the City Am I a fantasist who is fooling myself? I’ve decided to be everything I felt perpetually unsure, brave enough to fi nd out. I can to try to always second-guessing My main challenge is that even though I know what make it happen. myself, but I came alive when I want, I don’t have any idea how to go about achieving all Am I a fantasist I had to sit down and draft of this. So a friend suggested that I talk to Tamsen Garrie, written advice to clients. a ‘growth mentor’ who helps individuals and businesses to who is fooling Then I always felt sure. Now, create reality out of fantasy. myself?’ when I’m writing an article >>>

34 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014

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>>> or a chapter in my book I feel great every time I see my SESSION TWO words on the page. My second ‘aha’ moment came when we talked about why writing energises me. It’s because I am Get your head straight completely free to create whatever I want, and I discovered I started the session in pitiful form. Having told a trusted that I have an intense desire to feel free. friend about my writing dreams, he started with the ‘how’ As we discussed my desire to win an Oscar I started questions, which simply got me straight back into the to feel a bit superficial. Wasn’t that all about external doubt loop and the paralysis that ensues. validation? However, Tamsen reassured me. ‘Attaching Tamsen started to chuckle as I told her my woes and she your vision to an actual future occasion like the Oscars, explained that you have to have the breakdown before you for example, gives your mind (psychology) and your body get the breakthrough. Not to worry, she said, creating a (physiology) something to aspire to,’ she explained, ‘and positive mindset would help me the next time I have this that’s an important part of creating outcomes as it creates type of conversation. In order to achieve that, we went back the feelings that go with that occasion now enabling you to through my vision and broke it down – examining elements move towards it with more ease.’ So yes, the Oscar is simply such as earning a comfortable living as a full-time writer. an external symbol of my inner dream. It’s the day-to-day What were my negative thoughts around achieving these? writing that I love. Well, I’ve yet to finish a screenplay or book so how will I Tamsen explained that in order to achieve my vision of successfully support myself? And how am I realistically going being an Oscar-winning screenwriter, I needed to write my to achieve a comfortable lifestyle from writing? vision in a colourful way where I describe the tastes, smells, We started generating a few affirmations and I was to as well as sights that I see. ‘This will actively engage your complete the list for homework. To cement my mindset, subconscious mind into thinking that the vision is a future Tamsen explained that I needed to look at my affirmations reality. The vision is something to aim for, though you every few hours during the day and read them first thing needn’t get hung up on achieving all the minor details in the morning and last thing at night for at least three contained within,’ said Tamsen. months to create a new thinking habit. One of my My homework was to write my vision starting with affirmations is: ‘you do you, I do me fabulously.’ ‘Today is (x day in the future) and I…’, from waking up in the In my vision, I talked about going to the cinema at morning to going to bed at night and detailing everything midday. I know that I will be successful if I can go to the else in between. Most importantly, she said, it all had to be cinema at midday, as it will mean I have achieved my vision written in the present tense. of being a successful screenwriter. According to Tamsen, My first response was ‘this is ridiculous, it’s just snake if you can qualify your success, it makes it easier to know oil.’ I felt foolish. But as I dug deeper, I realised that my when you have achieved it. My epiphany came in the form inner critic who sneers at my of qualifying questions – it’s the single most valuable dream and tells me to get ‘back lesson I learnt during the coaching. Tamsen explained to reality’ and dismisses ‘If I tell everyone that the answer to a qualifying question can only be ‘yes’. exercises like this is the very about my If the answer is ‘no’ or ‘maybe’ then forget it. Therefore part of me that holds me back. dreams then of my qualifying question is: ‘Will doing x allow me to go to I realised that part of me is the cinema at midday?’ Since crystalising my qualifying just trying to protect myself course I could question I’ve actually stopped spending money as from failure. If I tell everyone make a fool of frivolously as I used to, because I know that I need savings about my dreams (and write myself. I might to achieve my vision. an article about it!) then of fail, I might be My last piece of homework to really cement my mindset course, I could make a fool was to create a vision board the old-fashioned way with of myself. I might fail, I might rejected. But paper, scissors, glue and hours spent cutting pictures out be rejected. But then again, then again, of magazines. I sat down one Saturday afternoon with a I might just end up living I might just bottle of red wine and lots of magazines and cut out images my dream. Do I listen to my of all the things I want in my life. Then I stuck them around inner critic or do I make end up living a fabulous photo of me. another choice? my dream’ It might sound a bit Blue Peter but it was fun to do, and

36 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 dossier

helped me to create a vibrant physical and visual picture ‘My epiphany world, I should say how much of what I want my future to look like. Don’t knock it till came with I love to write and talk about you’ve tried it, I say. what I’m currently working on. qualifying By forgetting the how and SESSION THREE questions. reinforcing my inner-belief The answer with my daily affirmations, Put it all into action I’ve started 2014 with a strong I arrived at this last session feeling very positive. My to a qualifying decision to stop listening to affirmations were working. I now describe myself as a question can my inner critic and start writer with a 9-to-5 job. Also, looking at a picture of my only be ‘‘yes’’. taking baby-steps to creating vision board on my smartphone during the day with a If the answer a new life for myself. happy, smiling self staring back helps me stay focused. What I know for sure is that I am writing an hour a day. My blog, on which I write is ‘‘no’’ or I have a choice. I can listen to about my solo foodie adventures in Paris, has attracted ‘‘maybe’’ then doubts and fears or I can focus more followers – including a New York Times food critic forget it’ on a compelling vision that – and I am seeing more and more opportunities to write. excites me and makes me feel I write 1,000 words a week of my novel, I’ve started to good. Whatever the outcome, provide film reviews for an online cinema magazine and I’m making the choice to live a life built on possibility am writing one restaurant review a week for a popular instead of fear. And the best part is the realisation that blog. I’ve also just been invited to do some copywriting. I don’t have to wait to live this dream. I’m writing every I relayed all of this to Tamsen through shrieks and day anyway. I’m already doing it. It may take a while to get garbled words but above all joy that it all feels like it’s the Oscar on my mantelpiece but for now, I am living my starting to come together. But Tamsen wasn’t surprised, as dream. By simply putting pen to paper and being a little I’ve really followed her steps for conditioning my mind and bit brave and honest, I’m no longer dreaming about what forgetting about the ‘how’. For me, that was key – it made I’ll be when I grown up, I’m living it instead. everything seem more achievable and brought my vision into my conscious mind. Now I faced the last but probably most important aspect, Tamsen said: behaviour. day-by-day dreaming Reputation is vital to success and attracting opportunities into our lives, and our reputation is based on how people 1 Affirmations. Make a list of affirmations or inspiring perceive our behaviour. So once we’re clear about what we quotes and read them at points throughout the day. This will want then we need to start behaving in such a way as to help you develop a positive mindset. make it a reality. As Tamsen explained, our behaviour is 2 Qualifiers. Use your qualifying questions to make sure the aspect of our activity that is visible to other people – that you are consistently moving towards your goal(s). unless you actually show them your vision board or explain 3 Create a vision board. Cut out images from magazines, your vision to them. Of course it is important to be yourself, make a board then place it somewhere you’ll see it on a daily but if you are not being what you claim to be then you are basis. Or you could create a video vision board if you prefer. not being an authentic version of yourself. 4 Share your vision with people with a vested interest in you achieving it and who will hold you accountable. Tamsen asked me a series of questions about how I think 5 Unquestionable evidence. Make a list of all your I am perceived and how I want to be perceived. I identified achievements that back up your vision. several perceptions that I did not like such as ‘tenacious’ 6 YOUR Behaviour affects how people perceive you. and ‘scary’ and what behaviour I needed to change in order Behaving as if your vision is already a reality will attract the for people’s perceptions to change. right people and opportunities to help you achieve it. We also talked about ‘conversation strategy’. When 7 Celebrate wins. Anything good that happens is a win, I speak to someone I must leave them with an impression no matter how small. Mark it with something pleasurable. As that fits with my vision, says Tamsen. If I meet someone humans we constantly seek pleasure so if you get into the new who I think can help me in my quest to be a full-time mindset, you will want to keep having that feeling. writer, rather than say how much I dislike the corporate For more information go to tamsengarrie.biz

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 37 DOSSIER

FLOURISH!

THE COURAGE CATALYST Bravery is an essential ingredient for bringing about positive change, but how do we get more of it? Some people ﬁ nd it takes a big birthday, a major disappointment or tough times to make us strong enough to choose to live an authentic life, says Keris Stainton

38 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 DOSSIER

eople being rescued I wanted more of in my world and dreams came true and she actually by others from a started to pursue that. I used to focus found she was... underwhelmed. burning building on the future, but now I’m focused on is what I think of experiencing life moment to moment.’ LIFE-CHANGING INSIGHTS when I hear the I, too, am more focused on living in ‘I was doing a play at the Donmar word bravery. It’s the moment but, for me, that didn’t Warehouse in London. I had always something I doubt come out of my parents’ death, but wanted to perform there, but I didn’t I’d ever have the guts to do. something more clichéd: turning 40. It enjoy it in the way I thought I would,’ PBut bravery doesn’t have to involve was partly the sense of time running she says. ‘People had been telling me to risk; it can simply be about doing some- out, the idea of ‘if not now, when?’, but read a self-help book called The Artist’s thing that scares only you, or pushes also 40 had loomed large for so long Way for years, so I did, hoping it might you out of your comfort zone. Psych- that when I fi nally got there, I felt free. give me some insight into why I was ologist Erin Hitzke says people don’t Free to be myself, to talk and write lacking confi dence and holding myself generally consider themselves brave. about things I believe in and to decide back. I found the Morning Pages [where ‘What we forget is that courage has how I want to spend my time (reading, you write three stream-of-conscious- never been a constant state of being ness pages in longhand every day] but requires a catalyst, or a crossroads, life-changing. They helped me know that presents us with a choice.’ In other ‘What we forget is myself, and once you know who you words, courage is not something you that courage requires are, you can trust your instincts – that have, it’s something you choose. a crossroads that made me feel brave. It led to me start- When my mum died in 1999, I felt ing my blog, which in turn led to my lost, but my sister said she felt more presents us with a book deal. Then I wrote another blog grown-up and, yes, braver. It was only choice. Courage is about love and sex, which led me to after my dad died three years ago that not something you feminism and the campaign to take I got what she meant. The loss of my have, it’s something bare breasts out of The Sun newspaper.’ parents made me realise there’s no But why should this be? Why does it safety net. That I’m in charge of my life you choose’ take a death, a big birthday, or a disap- and can make my own decisions with- pointment to make us brave? Because, out worrying about their approval. writing, travelling). And, yes, I felt according to Hitzke, it’s easier to be braver – I won’t be bungee-jumping afraid. ‘Our fi rst response to change or A REBIRTH OF SORTS any time soon, but I’m taking more challenge is usually fear,’ she points Last year, sassyology.com writer and chances and spending more time out- out. ‘We tell ourselves, “I’m not brave, coach Lisa Lister’s parents died within side of my comfort zone (mine being I can’t do it, it’s not going to happen”.’ a month of each other. She says: ‘Losing on the sofa with a tub of ice cream). Painful as that may be, it’s an easier my parents has made me fearless, like Psychologist Dr Susan Marchant- road, because we’re choosing what is I have no one to answer to in the world Haycox confirms this is a common familiar, what looks to us as a certainty. any more, no expectations, no more response to ageing. ‘As some people ‘The problem with this attitude is possibility of disappointing them – it’s grow older, they become more adven- that, in reality, nothing in life is a sure powerful. I’ve signed up for courses I’d turous because they’re more confi- bet. But we work hard to lull ourselves never have done before, I say things dent,’ she says. ‘Suddenly there’s into a sense of security because it feels without fear of what people might nothing to prove to anyone. They’ve “safe”. That is, until something wakes think, I’m far more assertive. learnt who they are and other people’s us up – an event, a person or an idea – ‘I’ve had a rebirth of sorts. It started expectations no longer matter to them. and connects us with reality. Life is by marking out boundaries. Things I’d The idea of conforming to the norms of uncertain, and this fact can propel us, previously have shrugged o , such as others is discarded, prized possessions acting as a catalyst for courage.’ people’s bad behaviour, I began calling dumped, wardrobes changed.’ For me, the past few years have been out. I cut people loose. I’ve discovered For Lucy-Anne Holmes, an actress, a revelation: when you stop worrying my voice – I no longer feel the unspoken author and the person behind the ‘No about what people think, it’s easier to censorship I felt when my parents were More Page 3’ petition, the turning be brave. And it doesn’t even feel like both alive. I began asking myself what point came when one of her long-held bravery, it feels like being yourself.

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 39 DOSSIER

TEST ARE YOU STANDING IN YOUR OWN WAY? We all start out feeling excited about our dreams. But even the most determined can find it hard to keep the momentum going. What are your best strategies for success? Take our specially commissioned test to find out

1 You win £100,000 on the lottery. 5 You usually have on the go: d) Try to work out what the problem You: a) Your own personal projects is so you can get round it a) Open a pizzeria in Naples b) Both small- and large-scale team b) Make a down-payment on that fl at projects 9 You decide you want to live in you liked so much c) One or two projects that you’ve the country. After three months c) Put it to one side until you decide been working at for a while you: what to spend it on d) More short-term plans than a) Are still working out the best place d) Make an impulse buy long-term ones to go b) Have just fi tted the fi nal window 2 A colleague reads the fi rst pages 6 You meet someone who, like you, frame to your newly built home of a report you’ve written and says is o to live in Australia. You: c) Are now dreaming of living by the there’s room for improvement in a) Are really excited and suggest sea instead your analysis. You: renting a house together d) Have shown those carping city folk a) Tell him to mind his own business b) Are really pleased that you have a thing or two b) Return to your o ce to go back met someone doing the same thing over all the possible angles and swap email addresses 10 Your friends think you are a c) Finish it anyway, skimping on the c) Feel reassured and check you’ve little too: detail taken the same steps organising it a) Dogged d) Ask him to expand a bit on his d) Are a bit disappointed and decide b) Impulsive criticism to choose a di erent country c) Headstrong d) Careful 3 A friend announces that he is 7 When you’ve got plans that are NOW WORK OUT YOUR SCORE going to go round the world on a important to you: AND TURN THE PAGE TO FIND bike. You think: a) They are all you think about YOUR PROFILE >>> a) He’ll get a lot out of it b) You would go through with them, b) It won’t be that di cult in this day even if others advised you not to a b c d and age c) You relish the challenge to carry 1 4 2 1 3 c) You would like to go, too them out 2 4 1 3 2 d) It’s a bit of an eccentric thing to do, d) You devote a lot of time to them 3 2 4 3 1 really 4 1 2 3 4 8 You want to go on safari in 5 4 2 1 3 4 How do you select the projects Africa but your plans aren’t 6 3 2 1 4 you undertake? By: working out. What do you do? 7 3 4 1 2 a) Their feasibility a) Go anyway b) How interesting they are b) Stick to the holiday plan but change 8 4 2 3 1 c) How much they appeal to you the destination 9 1 2 3 4 d) Their originality c) Give up the idea 10 2 3 4 1

40 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014

42 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 dossier

>>> If you scored between 10-18… If you scored between 26-31… YOU PUT PLANS INTO YOU FLIT FROM ONE ACTION WITH GREAT CARE THING TO THE NEXT Before you begin something, you like to know exactly The biggest motivating factor for you is the initial what you’re letting yourself in for – you don’t take things excitement you feel when you start something; which on lightly. You’re suspicious of the unknown and try to can mean you get carried away easily. But after this initial keep as much control over events as you can by being as enthusiasm you’d rather leave it to other people. You familiar with the details as possible. The important thing put plans to one side or forget about them altogether, for you is to leave nothing to chance. Because of this you preferring to move on to something else new and exciting. find yourself faced with so many options you don’t know Your behaviour points to two things. The first is your where to start. And that’s when you come face to face refusal to engage with any one thing and stick to it. This with your worst enemy: doubt. Your behaviour suggests would require you to make a choice and renounce other that you have difficulty in sticking to just one idea. Yes, possible projects, and you prefer to operate under the your plans are detailed, but as soon as you have to enact illusion that you’re free to do what you like, without the them, you panic and run as fast as you can back to your frustrations of other wage slaves. The second is a refusal notebooks and lists. It’s quite obvious that you are afraid to take responsibility. Flitting from one thing to the next of failure: giving in to your doubts and getting stuck at the allows you to be a spectator rather than a participant. But planning phase of any event means that you never have it should be the project that drives your passion, not the to do anything concrete and therefore things can never other way round. The way you’re going, you won’t get go wrong. What can you do? Try throwing yourself into much accomplished. You’re an enthusiastic, impulsive things. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Take a few person, but to achieve any of your grand plans you are risks, try things out, and remember that to err is human. going to have to concentrate on one thing for a while.

If you scored between 19 and 25… If you scored between 32-40… YOU GET THINGS DONE YOU CARRY OUT YOUR BECAUSE YOU PERSEVERE PLANS OBSTINATELY When you decide to get involved in something, you are You use your ability to get things done as self-affirmation. full of drive and energy, but you try to do things bit by bit, And the things that you decide to do will generally be the clearly defining what you need to do in order to give your things that tend to show you in your best light. To mark venture the best chance of succeeding. You move ahead yourself out as different (and to get yourself noticed) you one step at a time, open to advice that others might have often do original, unusual and even provocative things. for you, and are able to question your own actions where And if those close to you advise against going down one necessary. You persevere without being stubborn; you route or another, you will take a mischievous pleasure in have proved your endurance and patience, and you take going completely against their recommendations. For great pleasure in seeing things take shape. You obviously you, placing yourself in opposition to others is a way of understand that to achieve your goals you have to allow defining who you are. Of course, there is an upside to for some moments of self-doubt and difficulty, and that your stubbornness: you don’t ever leave things unfinished sometimes there will be times when you just have to wait. and you really shine when tackling original and difficult You know how to deal with these things because you find ventures. The only problem comes when your stubborn it fairly easy to remain objective about what you are side gets the upper hand and you go off in what you know trying to achieve. You manage to stay motivated despite is the wrong direction just because you feel that you can’t the obstacles in your way and of course you’ve always back down at that point. If you let your ego dictate your got optimism and strength of will in reserve. Stay the behaviour like this, you could end up going against what course: you’ll have the pleasure of seeing your plans you really want. So a word of advice, then – be original come to fruition and you’ll have plenty more enriching by all means, but leave pride out of it, it will rarely make experiences in the future. a helpful contribution.

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 43

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HOW TO PAY (simply complete your bank details below) Life through Originator’s ID Number 8 3 7 3 8 3 the lens Armed with a phone and inspired by participatory photography SELF explores a more mindful [ ] project PhotoVoice, Rhiannon Harries Instruction to your bank or building society to pay by Direct Debit: way of taking pictures to explore a specific issue and tell her story

making pictures has got very little in Participatory photography, as it is - Please pay Kelsey Publishing Ltd. from the account details on this ow many photographs do common with the PhotoVoice tech known, involves a move away from our you think you’ve looked at nique, which Cammock describes as compulsive, scattergun approach to - today? Dozens, by flicking an on-going process of reflection, dia snapping, towards a more focused, through this magazine. logue and reworking. mindful way of taking pictures to - instruction, subject to the safeguards assured by the Direct Debit After a quick trawl through ‘We encourage people to think con explore specific issues and tell a story. Ha few news sites and friends’ Facebook - ceptually about what they feel they - As Helen Cammock of charity Photo uploads, I’m probably at 100 by eleven want to say, how they want to say it, Voice, which runs community- based ses. Like me, you may well have already and who they want to say it to,’ she says. participatory photography projects, taken and posted a few pictures of your ‘That process is key, and is perhaps Guarantee. adds: ‘Lots of people, especially adults, own too. On social media sites, photos what makes it different from all those are replacing the written word as the photo-sharing platforms. The filtering

dominant currency of communication ‘‘It isn’t just about and editing that our participants do is - – or at least reducing it to a mere hash making the image, a really important part of it.’ tag – as we capture fragments of our As important as the photos then are lives and share them with the virtual it’s about what it the words that make sense of them, world, poring with equal relish over represents” whether in the form of group discussion To the Manager, bank/building society: ...... those taken by strangers. or captions written to accompany the photographs and create a narrative. can’t find a free flow when they write.

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FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 45 Best friends forever?

friendships What do our friends mean to us as we grow older? [ ] Are we still operating as if we were children in the playground or have we got a handle on it? Clem Felix finds some grown-up dos and don’ts for friendships that work both ways

y friendships have given is the conversations I have with women than that they support each other when me more pleasure than of all ages ring with this stuff, still lin- they’re down. Maybe the same is true of almost anything over gering from the playground. So for those friendships. Julia, a friend in her forties, the years, but they have in doubt, here are a set of grown-up got the job of her dreams after an awful been a source of angst at rules for dignified, adult relationships. five years when her husband walked out Mtimes as well. It is not just the heartache leaving her a single mum to three chil- when things go wrong for people you dren. Her best friend couldn’t be happy care about, there are all those strange Try not to compete for her – she told her she had issues rules to get your head around. 1The core of any friendship is that with it, admitted jealousy and generally Are you ‘there’ for your friends you want the best for each other. You’re ruined any sense of celebration. The

enough? What if you haven’t always on each other’s side. Does that sound emotions are human, yes, but was it OK CK

got the time or energy? Or you’ve just obvious or naïve? Friendships may have to express them? Julia doesn’t think so. STO landed a new job? What if friends aren’t a competitive element – it’s only human Philosopher AC Grayling’s new his- ALLERY ALLERY

there for you? Are you too demanding? – but if you can’t want the best for your torical survey, Friendship, (Yale Univer- G / Where do the boundaries of loyalty end? friends, and celebrate their successes sity Press, £12.99) quotes Cicero, who D Should you put your best friends ahead with an open heart, then this is not wrote more than 2,000 years ago: ‘Elim- of your man? What if you find you don’t friendship. And you have every right to inate goodwill from an acquaintance- have anything to talk about any more – expect the same in return. ship and it still exists in name; eliminate phs: dANIEL WAR dANIEL phs:

is it time to move on? Is that allowed? Relationship research indicates that it from a friendship and that friendship ra Should you really be 2gever 4ever like it is more important for the long-term no longer exists.’ For Virginia Ironside,

you promised when you were 10? prospects of a marriage that partners agony aunt at The Independent, the mir- photog I’m joking, but not entirely. The truth can celebrate each other’s successes ror image of this is schadenfreude, when >>>

46 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014

friendship

>>> people take pleasure in friends’ misfor- become more disparate and divorce tunes. ‘Everyone experiences this; it One of the keys more common, friends have come to be can even be helpful because we see to happiness is seen as the great constant. The message other people fail as we do and that our not to expect more from popular culture is that our best friends’ lives aren’t perfect,’ she says. friends are the people who will always be ‘But you have to keep it to yourself.’ of your friends than there, through thick and thin – except it they are capable often doesn’t work out that way. ‘Different people provide the friend- Don’t expect too much… of giving’’ ship we need at different times in our 2Lynda Lee-Potter, the late news- lives,’ writes Grayling. Only very few – if paper columnist, wrote years ago that any – will ‘stay the whole course’. Most one of the keys to happiness is not to that selecting friends was taken very people, he adds, ‘will change with time expect more of your friends than they seriously. And there are lessons for us and experience, and since all parties to a are capable of giving. These words have in that today. Cicero believed that any friendship are changing simultaneously, been a comfort when I’ve felt let down. candidate for friendship must prove it is not surprising that they might even- The dear friend who, in 20 years, has ‘unswerving constancy’, and that there tually drift apart.’ never made it to my home? At one time would be ‘no feigning or hypocrisy’. Tell People change. If you want to con- that hurt; now I just see it as a measure that to Facebook… tinue as friends, you have to accept that of her reclusiveness. The new, funny, It’s useful to think about what we and support them, not resist it. And clever friend who confided in me, then value in friends. ‘It’s not so much whether the same is true the other way round – vanished when I was in need? I see now they’re there for me as that can be diffi- any friends who resist your develop- she has her own issues with depression cult for a person to gauge,’ says Ironside. ment are not worthy of the name. This and, I suspect, couldn’t handle my anx- ‘They may not understand your needs, or is a lesson many twentysomethings iety. It affected our closeness, but I don’t just have other pressures in their lives. learn the hard way, as friendship groups take it personally, and still enjoy ele- It’s what they do to you that matters. If from school and then university come ments of our friendship for what it is. they’re unpleasant and upset you and under pressure and people start settling ‘I have friends who aren’t always don’t apologise, for example.’ into couples or having children, which there for me but who amuse or stimulate Our friends are fallible, like us, and they naturally put first, or divert their me,’ agrees Ironside. ‘I have one who, if some of the most difficult people can energy into career goals. I’m ill, turns her back on me, but she’s prove to be amazingly loyal, or fantastic Change can be hard from both sides phobic about illness and supportive in in a crisis. It’s very easy to talk about – if you’re the person feeling left behind other ways, so I accept that. It all depends toxic friendships, but it can be a matter or the one who wants to do the moving on what your definition of a friend is.’ of degrees and redeeming features. on – but actively trying to manage these Lee-Potter’s words have also helped What I value in friends has changed changes with grace and generosity is me to be a better friend, in that I’m more as I’ve got older. In my twenties, I was good for the soul. If you’re the one who forgiving of myself. For me, the issue is drawn to sparky, funny, magnetic is still single and your stalwart friend is usually about energy and time – basi- people; now I value more constant, less suddenly not around, it’s tough and you cally I don’t see enough of my friends. showy friends. My deepest friendships may well feel resentful, but what will But I value them so much and rather are with people who care, and show it. you achieve by expressing it? Better to than feeling guilty that I’m not doing They are people I feel comfortable with focus on developing other friendships, more, I try to make sure they know that, and can be myself around. They’re also or meeting new people. If you’re the one and also that I’m doing my best – texting people who want to be friends with me feeling guilty about missing another to express concern, offering practical as much as I want to be friends with group meet-up because you’re too tired help where I can, really listening when them, which might sound like an obvi- from your new job, that’s OK – email to we do get a chance to meet up. ous point but is one that took me years explain you wish you could be there but of sitting outside inner circles to learn. it’s just not possible right now. Keep the door open. ‘A friend can …but do expect enough drop off the radar for years then come 3The ancients valued friendship Friendships can change back,’ says Ironside. ‘They can change so highly – believing that once chosen, 4We can be very romantic about a lot but, particularly as you get older, your commitment should be iron-clad – friendship these days. As families have shared history counts for so much.’

48 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 A friend can writes: ‘A loyal friend, whom one trusts Honesty vs kindness can tell us when we are going wrong, 5Are our friends the people who drop off the radar for reprove us, advise us … She can also tell tell us the truth, warts and all, or the years then come back. us helpful lies when we need reassur- people who don’t? To the ancients, ance or calming down.’ frankness was crucial, but then they They can change This one works both ways, of course were men – do women value honesty a lot but, as you get – it can be tempting to dish out advice, so highly? My friend Julia insists that much harder, I find, just to listen, but honesty – telling your friends things older, shared history this is what most of us really want from other people may not – is the measure counts for so much’’ our friends. ‘A principal fruit of friend- of a true friend, but Ironside is not so ship,’ wrote Francis Bacon in the 17th sure. Honesty can be useful, she says – can be a veil for controlling behaviour. century, ‘is the ease and discharge of but only up to a point. ‘I would not be If I ask for an opinion, I want to trust it’s the fullness and welling of the heart, friends with someone who takes the true, but what if I haven’t asked? For me, which passions of all kinds do cause kid gloves off and says, “right, this is too, true friends are confidantes who and induce.’ A friend to whom one can how it is”. More important are kindness, are not judgemental, and ‘honesty’ can ‘impart griefs, joys, fears, hopes, suspi- tact and gentleness,’ she says. often be a cover for being judgemental. cions, counsels’ is one of life’s great The problem, I think, is that honesty Perhaps Grayling has it right when he blessings, he believed. Hear, hear.

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 49 50 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 Writing the next chapter

self As she reached her forties, single and childless, Bibi Lynch [ ] was unable to see what the next chapter of her life might contain. It took some wise words from women who’d been there before her to open her eyes and change her thinking

ere I to tell you that a sending me over the edge. ‘We’re too were but also too old to change any- few years ago I pitched old to be ambitious now,’ said one; ‘You thing and move forward. I talked to a book idea called 40 don’t make friends at our age,’ insisted Psychologies about this sickening Is Not The New 30: It’s another. And then there’s ‘I’m home feeling of mine and how I had this Shit, you’ll have some with my children on Saturday’ and really horrible, debilitating sense of Wnotion of my attitude towards this fifth ‘That bar is full of young people’… everything being over for me. decade of mine. I have found it very All innocuous comments, you’re And they sort of changed my life. In harsh. And incredibly judgemental. It saying? Well, no. Because a) I don’t a way writing a feature has no right seems to have mainly been about loss – want to fall into age-prejudice traps to. First of all, the magazine asked the from my jawline to my dad – and what (stamps feet like a toddler) and, b) this wondrous Diana Athill to write to me. fortysomething me should or shouldn’t means they’re moving to the next Can you imagine? A legendary literary be doing: I should be settled down; I chapter in their lives, and I can’t follow editor – her list of authors included shouldn’t accept people or situations them! They – the married, the parents, the 20th-century greats Philip Roth, that aren’t good for me. (Oh, yeah, the even the grandparents – all seem to Norman Mailer, Simone de Beauvoir, mid-life-inspired intolerance is coming be approaching Chapter 7 of their and VS Naipaul – and writer, whose from me, too. But, happily, society and 12-chapter life and, age-wise, I should Costa Book Award-winning memoir

n I are on the same page regarding your be, too — but single, childless me is still Somewhere Towards The End was pub- a di writer and the wearing of skirts above sharpening her pencil. Their lives are lished when she was 90. Wow! What I uar

g the knee.) established and naturally slowing have read of this ballsy and brilliantly e

/th The very worst thing about my down, while I don’t feel like mine ever unconventional woman makes me ay forties, though, is that they will soon really began. And, at 47, what are the think that my fawning will amuse her.

lix cl lix be over. And when they are gone? A chances that it will? Fuck. And I can’t But I love her! There, I said it! fe fair to middling breakdown, I imagine. even go to bars to drink to forget any And Psychologies gifted me Diana ph: ph:

ra Let me explain. more? Double fuck. And hold the ice. Athill because she, too, had been where My friends have started talking It’s a hit-you-in-the-gut place to be I am: in her forties, single and without photog in ‘winding down’ terms — and it’s — fearing you’re too old to be who you children. Here is what she wrote: >>>

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 51 When I look back at my life, now that I’m 95, I can truly say that I see it as a happy one. Yet there was a time – I find it hard to remember but it did exist – when I was convinced that nothing lay ahead but a struggle to endure grief. I supposed I would manage it, but it was a grim prospect. Having fallen in love at 15 and become engaged at 18, I was expecting to join my love in Egypt (he was in the RAF and had just been posted there) as soon as my education at Oxford came to an end so that we could marry, and my real life could begin. I took it for granted, like most young women at the time, that loving, marrying and making a family was the natural and inevitable career for a woman: what she was for. So when he stopped answering my letters until, after many dreadfully painful months, he told me he was marrying someone else, I was not only plunged into the icy misery of being unloved, but I also lost my job. I can’t now remember how long the worst of it lasted, but I can clearly recall trying to convince myself that eventually something good would turn up, and answering myself, with what seemed like simple common sense, that there was no real reason why it ever should. How people get over such disasters must depend a great deal on their temperaments, so I doubt whether what happened to me can be of much value to someone else. All I can do is report my own experience. I had three things in my favour: I had inherited an optimistic nature, that inheritance had been confirmed by a happy childhood, and I was not by nature maternal. To many women, being childless is an affliction, but not to me. I used to hope that if/when I had a child, the instinct would follow and I would make a reasonably good mother, which was probably true; but the only time that instinct ever gave a twitch was in my early forties when I found myself sliding into carelessness, getting pregnant, and (to my surprise) feeling glad about it. Whereupon, life being what it is, I miscarried, and was even more surprised, even dismayed, at how rapidly and completely I got over the disappointment. Having that temperament was lucky. Even luckier was finding a job in publishing which I loved. Through it I met interesting people, went to interesting places, and had a number of unserious but agreeable affairs – intense romantic involvements, no! They now scared me stiff. Finally, I settled into an unromantic but loving partnership which suited me and the man involved so well that it lasted for 40 years, until his death. And during those years there happened the luckiest thing of all: I learnt that I could write. And out of all this came happiness. Perhaps two survival-aids of general application might be found in that particular life: foster your personal interests, and do not romanticise sexual attraction and marriage. Of course, happy marriages exist and are lovely, but they are rare. Being unhappy as a pair is much worse than being unhappy alone; and even steady making-the-best-of-it marriages are not really very enviable. A woman’s value simply does not depend on being wanted by a man, and living your own life is often much more enjoyable than living one dictated by a man’s career.

52 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 self

>>> I won’t even bother trying to tell you just It’s a hit-you-in- ‘Why creativity?’ I asked. how thrilled I was that 95-year-old ‘Giving birth is possibly the ultimate Diana would share some of her life the-gut-place to creative act for a woman,’ continued lessons with me – I’ll just say how it be – fearing you’re Jody. ‘We will never experience the made me feel: inspired, emotional and too old to be who visceral love that a mother has for her a bit of a twat. child, but if you’ve been passionately That she suffered such heartache you were but also in love, and you know what that feels but could look back at her life and see it too old to change like, [you know] that energy exists as a happy one filled me with hope. That within us. We just have to find a way to she adored her career so much and anything and express it.’ found love and joy in the act of writing move forward” ‘Like Diana’s writing!’ made my chest heave. That this woman ‘Like Diana’s writing.’ achieved all that she did, in the times ‘I understand sisterhood for sup- that she did, and continues to achieve to conceive in her former marriage, port,’ Jody said. ‘I have a theory that into her nineties, made me feel like a being diagnosed with ‘unexplained grief is actually a form of love. Because moaning, mid-life cliché. infertility’, and, for many varied rea- we never grieve what we haven’t loved. sons, not able to pursue IVF treatment. Grief is the shadow-side of love. It’s Not my story We spoke on the phone for about 45 there to heal our hearts – so that we can And yet… There were two messages in minutes – and I’m not sure a phone call love again. Diana’s letter that rained on my pep-talk has ever had such an effect on me as ‘It’s actually part of love. And by parade somewhat: the first was her that one had. denying it, not understanding it, and assertion that sexual attraction and We talked all about the isolation, not going through the process, it’s like marriage shouldn’t be romanticised the taboo and the cultural blindness we’re not completing the transforma- (oh Diana, please don’t take that away around childless women. We talked tion. Grief is the gift of love. And then from me, as well!); and the second was about the ‘shame’ that we are encour- we’re ready for the next chapter.’ her acknowledgement that she’d never aged to feel, the misogyny we face, and really felt maternal. ‘social infertility’ (which was my story Change in a heartbeat As glorious as her life has been – and exactly: fertile and able to have chil- That broke and fixed my heart in the I am honestly so very grateful for the dren, but just never met the right man same beat. I’m not ready to embrace wisdom and power of her words – her at the right time). We talked about the grief fully yet – because that means story will never be my story. Because friendships changing and the death finally giving up on having my family childlessness is at the very crux of of the future you thought you would (in some way) and I can’t even complete my ‘next chapter’ pain: women who have. And then, when I started crying, that thought in my head, let alone act have become parents will be mothers we talked about me. ‘Will I get through on it – but it’s OK. and grandmothers; and I will simply this?’ I sobbed down the phone. Because now I know – thank you, disappear. My eyes kept going back to ‘Definitely,’ Jody replied. ‘I’m proof Diana, and thank you, Jody – that there the top of her letter: ‘I was convinced of that.’ is a next chapter, whatever happens. that nothing lay ahead but a struggle ‘How?’ I asked her. A chapter that has the potential to to endure grief…’ ‘Grief-work, sisterhood, creativity,’ be fabulous, valid, meaningful and

x And that’s the point at which this she told me. ‘This is what we all need fulfilling. I honestly didn’t know that re /

e feature brought Jody Day into my life. to go on to create a life with meaning. before. I feel like I’m breathing out in a Jody is a writer, activist and founder My life today is meaningful and for the first time in years. What an sw of Gateway Women, which is a website fulfilling in ways that I could never have extraordinary feeling hope is. ffrey

o and network that aims to support, anticipated. My dream of adulthood e inspire and empower childless-by- was to be a writer and to leave the world Visit gateway-women.com ph: g ph: circumstance women, like me and her. a better place than I found it. And it ‘Rocking The Life Unexpected’ by Jody ra Day is self-published and available on Jody, who is now 49 years old, was in seems that it’s working out – just not Amazon, priced £12.99.

photog ‘babymania’ for 15 years, trying in vain the way I expected.’

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 53 Boxing clever TREND Feeling guilty about holing up with a box set this winter? [ ] Don’t. You’re just tapping into the evolutionary pull of transformational storytelling and learning valuable life lessons, say experts. Time to press play on that third episode in a row then…

words Nicole Mowbray

hat better way to meth production to safeguard his streaming services, such as Netflix, soothe the stresses of family’s financial future, yet he had allow us to stream our favourite shows a weekend away with watched the last two hours on his own! to computers, iPads and even phones two nieces under five Talk about a let-down. any time, anywhere and back-to-back than to return to my We sat in silence as he re-watched if we choose – and according to Kevin Wquiet, child-free home on a Sunday the last three episodes with me, but Spacey, Oscar-winning actor and star night and put my feet up in front of the knowing he knew the ending ruined the of the first Netflix seriesHouse Of woodburning stove, with my boyfriend, shared intimacy of the drama unfolding Cards – this is the future of television. our kitten, and the last three episodes before us. I felt short-changed. Worried At The Guardian’s international TV of my current favourite box set? I was overreacting, I canvassed the festival last August he gave an emphatic As I closed the front door, my man opinions of several friends the next speech. ‘The audience wants control poked his head round the corner with a day at work. All were outraged on my and freedom,’ he said. ‘And if they want slightly sheepish expression on his face. behalf; one colleague even remarked to binge, we should let them binge.’ I caught the unmistakeable aroma of that my boyfriend’s behaviour was a Whether it’s House Of Cards, The beef bourguignon simmering on the betrayal ‘not far short of cheating’. Wire, 30 Rock, Luther, True Blood or

hob. ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked. He never That might be a bit strong, but the The Walking Dead; everyone I know ure makes me food. shared experience of binge-watching has invested serious chunks of their in pict ‘Don’t be cross,’ he muttered, ‘but I six back-to-back series of your favour- hard-won leisure time in a box set. In a finishedBreaking Bad this afternoon.’ ite show has become one of the new winter, I like giving myself permission

I was surprised to discover that I was bonding experiences of modern life. to hibernate. There’s something about ohms/pl er

fuming – and hurt. Together, we had Discovering a new one – and then watching an entire series over a week- in spent almost 45 hours over a fortnight introducing the rest of your friends to end that feels like a holiday from the re ph:

watching the first 59 episodes of this it too – is not only a great pleasure, it stresses of everyday life. ra series which details the exploits of marks you out as the woman in the Experts agree. Dolf Zillmann, the

Walter White, a chemistry teacher with know, the go-to cultural trendsetter. pioneer of entertainment psychology, photog terminal cancer who turns to crystal Box sets and the rise of subscription came up with the ‘excitation transfer >>>

54 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 trend

The shared experience of binge-watching six back-to-back episodes of your favourite show has become one of the new bonding experiences of modern life”

JANUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 55 trend

>>> theory’ to explain why we watch dis- Box sets play into they contemplate larger issues in life tressing or harrowing shows. He says – be it compassion or poignancy,’ she we derive more pleasure from shows our love of gossip. says. ‘These elements in shows often that force us onto an emotional roller- People can watch come with painful truths, for exam- coaster – be it Downton Abbey or The ple, that life is fleeting, that not every- Killing – yet, end (mostly) happily. them in their own one is good. The tales enable people to Other theories claim our reactions time, and dismantle learn about themselves and to contem- to dramatic box sets actually reinforce plate the meaning of life in some way.’ the feeling we have about our emo- them with friends. Oliver does, however, sound a note tions being ‘right’. For example, the They hark back to of caution. ‘When we watch a series fact we’re angry with Brody for treat- the heyday of novels’’ for a long time, it’s possible to form ing Carrie so terribly in Homeland “parasocial relationships” with the proves us to be kind, generous and characters – as if they are really in our warm-hearted, with good judgement. flock to the docks, to wait for the next lives,’ she warns. Professor Jonathan shipment to come ashore. Television Cohen at the University of Haifa in The whys and hows never really had that kind of cliff- Israel has done a lot of work around One thing’s for sure, the psychology of hanger structure until recently.’ this idea. He’s found that our involve- our viewing habits is now so impor- ‘Box-set culture’, as screenwriter ments can go so deep that when the tant to TV producers that entire inter- Gemma Clarke describes it, has pro- ‘relationship’ ends – perhaps after national consultancies are opening up foundly changed the realities of her several years – ‘it’s like losing a friend, to find out how we feel about what we job. ‘Whenever I write a pilot show for almost like a break-up’. watch, how we watch it and why. American television, I have to have So there we have it. And if my boy- Zak Shaikh is a partner at Atten- one eye on it being able to last multiple friend ever dares to skip ahead during tional, an international media consul- seasons,’ she says. ‘It’s a lot of writing. our next box-set marathon – which is tancy that advises companies on why There’s often 12 episodes minimum going to be The Sopranos – his experi- shows succeed or fail. ‘One of the most in one season for cable shows – while ence will be exactly like a break-up. important indicators of success is nar- some networks have as many as 24 or rative,’ he says. ‘Storytelling has been 25 episodes. Then there can be several What we’re watching a key factor in human evolution. Sto- seasons. I read an article the other day ries have been experienced in groups by Zadie Smith talking about Game Of Press play for… since the earliest times when humans Thrones. She said: “Literary novelists l The Vampire Diaries. ‘There’s nothing spent nights talking around the camp would do well to learn plot from these like some silly vampire thriller/romance fire. It enriches our social network.’ people”. She’s right. You have to be a to escape to of a winter’s evening!’ Ali Roff, features writer Shaikh says that around 70-75 per master of storytelling to keep people l cent of human interaction is gossip- engrossed over many series.’ Modern Family. ‘Because of the quirky character interaction and related, which explains the value of the humourous one-liners.’ shared ‘watercooler TV moments’ that Enriching experience Jo Beadle, designer you talk about in the office the next day Mary Beth Oliver, professor of media l Game Of Thrones. ‘It’s not just gore – whether that’s Don Draper’s exploits studies at Pennsylvania State Univer- and dropped gowns – the power and in Mad Men or Walter White surviving sity, believes box sets provide more family dynamics are fascinating.’ yet another cartel shooting. than just enjoyment or storytelling. Lauren Hadden, deputy editor ‘Box sets really play into our love of Her work centres around the theory l Scandal. ‘Part political thriller, part gossip,’ says Shaikh. ‘People can watch of eudaimonia (which comes from a bawdy romp, with an interesting, them in their own time, binge on them, Greek word that roughly translates as flawed heroine.’ and dismantle them with friends. Box ‘human flourishing’) – that people’s Amerley Ollennu, acting beauty sets hark back to the heyday of novels. real lives are enriched by the lessons & wellbeing editor In the 1840s when Dickens wrote The they learn from on-screen dramas. l The West Wing. ‘The writing is so Old Curiosity Shop, it was released in ‘The shows that receive popular or intelligent and it’s an ensemble cast instalments. Such was the anticipa- critical acclaim these days are mostly where everyone gets good storylines.’ tion that hordes of New Yorkers would eudaimonic shows; in other words, Lynne Lanning, designer

56 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 .CO.UK For tests, tips, events, advice and articles to help you to get more from life

HOW TO: use social media to get a job

Rachel Harris, director of employability at the University of Law, offers tips for using social media to enhance your job prospects: Check your online profile before you start job-hunting. Google yourself to see what is attached to your name online, and delete anything you can that doesn’t show you in the best professional light. Use Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn to follow companies you want to work for. You’ll be the first to learn about any vacancies, and you’ll get a good insight into the company. Make the most of privacy settings. Ensure only people you trust can easily access what you upload, and use the option to review items that you’re tagged in before they go public. WEB FEATURES TAKE THE TEST We’ve all got that one song we love that can make us immediately sing along or get up and dance every time we hear it. And scientists What does friendship mean have now proven what we already knew – that music can improve our to you? mood – only if we want it to, however. Do you rely on your friends, or are you A study showed that people who actively tried to improve their mood quite happy to go it alone? Take our while listening to music ended up happier than those who passively online test and find out what you need listened to the same music. So the next time you’re feeling down, pop from your friendships. your favourite tune on and concentrate on feeling better.

COMPETITIONS Visit psychologies.co.uk to enter exclusive competitions for chances to win fantastic ture prizes, including gift vouchers and tickets for workshops and other events. ic p in a l p FOLLOW US: Twitter @PsychologiesMag ■ Facebook.com/psychologiesmagazine ■ Pinterest.com/psychologies PHOTOGRAPH: PHOTOGRAPH:

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 57 58 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 Celebratemoment each FAMILY Lucy Murphy had already lost one baby to a rare blood [ ] condition that affected her pregnancy, so when she found out she was pregnant again, there was concern amid the joy. But not only did she get Henry, she also gained a new perspective on life

PHOTOGRAPHy Johnny savage

here are some moments that change your life for on my way to theatre. Our tiny Henry arrived that Sunday ever. The deafening silence of the trace monitor in June 2011 by emergency Caesarean section at just 26 through the emergency room, when I was just 27 weeks and one day, weighing only 510 grams (1lb 1oz). weeks pregnant with our second son, Jude, was one such moment. Heartbreakingly, he was A tiny hold on life Tstillborn. In that instant all our hopes and dreams seemed Nothing can prepare you for the shocking visual reality of lost. Would I go through the horror again? I wasn’t sure. But seeing your baby hovering in the borderlands of existence. when I fell pregnant for the third time four years later, I was He seemed so far away, so embryonic. In the incubator, willing to take the risk. I felt elation and joy, but with fears Henry’s head was not much bigger than a satsuma, but and doubts about what would follow thrown in too. large in comparison to his withered body and matchstick And 25 weeks into that third pregnancy, the scan showed limbs. His skin was translucent; there were wires and the baby hadn’t grown at all in the previous four weeks and tubes all over his little body. His eyes, still fused together, weighed just 440 grams. The placenta was failing – how were protected from the UV light with tiny shades and he much longer could he hang on? The consultant said unless was intubated and on a ventilator to give him the strength he reached 600 grams, they would not intervene. We were he did not possess to breathe. devastated. I had a rare condition, Antiphospholipid Nothing could extinguish the instinct of motherhood Syndrome, which meant my body was making antibodies for me – he was ours, I loved him. But I’d taken him as it shouldn’t have been making. I was more likely to develop far as I could and his mechanical womb would now try to clotting problems involving the placenta, reducing the sustain his fragile grasp on life. Like all newborn babies blood flow, and its ability to nourish the growing baby. he lost weight; at his lowest he was a mere 440 grams. Another traumatic week passed, the baby’s movements It was a frightening period, feeling my husband’s quiet never more than feeble. By Sunday, I doubted he was anguish, often added to my own. All we could do was sit, moving at all, and we headed back to hospital, the Rotunda pouring love through the incubator, willing him to live. Maternity, in Dublin. They ran a trace and the heartbeat Henry was one of the smallest babies a hospital in Ireland was there but it was not reassuring. An alarm sounded, has ever dealt with. The nurses would tell us he was a fighter. and within minutes I was wheeled out of the emergency Was he? We hoped so. At that point the only thing I could room past Café Rotunda, where my husband Stephen and do for him was express milk, which I did every four hours. six-year-old son William waited for news, unaware I was Day 14 was my first ‘kangaroo care’ day; skin-to-skin >>>

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 59 family

Nothing can prepare you for the shocking visual reality of seeing your baby hovering in the borderlands of existence”

>>> contact with the baby. They lifted Henry out of the a vein for 14 days and given triple antibiotics. But this was incubator, it took about 10 minutes to position all the just one of the many storms he weathered. We got to hold wires and tubes, then they laid him gently on my chest. For Henry again, to change a nappy, to hear his cry for the fi rst a while he moved his arms and legs as I syringed my breast time – eventually he’d have his fi rst bottle. Henry fi nally milk through his feeding tube, then nestled into me and left the hospital after 17 weeks, weighing 2.18kg (4lbs fell asleep. I can still feel the warmth of his body on mine. 12oz), and with the largest helium balloon I could fi nd. I’ll always remember how hard it was to fi ght back the tears as I caught my dad’s eye at that moment (above). The Back from the brink emotion in his face was palpable. If I had fed Henry that Henry is now two-and-a-half; a happy, determined boy day, then he’d fed me so much more; sheer magic, pure joy. who loves rummaging around in the fl owerbeds with his I spent my days at the hospital, watching Henry, and spade, climbing, playing ball and looking at books with his taking breaks downstairs in the café. I shared emotions brother. He amazes us every day. Our little hero fought so and confi dences with other parents from the intensive care hard to be here, we’re hugely proud of all he has overcome. unit. Against the backdrop of parents leaving daily with We did try, but words could never convey the depth of their new babies, I began to realise that actually this time gratitude we felt to the hospital sta , who brought Henry we were the lucky ones; we’d been given a second chance. back from the brink so many times. The last six years have Every day was a bonus, for which we were truly grateful. taught me life can be fragile, but it’s important to try and I often thought about Jude, how on the morning of the celebrate each moment. Experiencing loss makes joyful funeral I carried his little white co n on my lap in the car, moments all the more vivid. We still visit Jude’s grave, it’s holding him close, William in his car seat behind. I’d felt my way of telling him we still love him and he is our family. empty in a thousand ways. Even if we move back to the UK at some point, part of me Upstairs Henry battled on. So little will forever remain in Ireland. separated him from Jude save his slim A RECIPE FOR HENRY It would be wrong to pretend grip on life. It was critical that he the mundane frustrations and started gaining weight. The meaning What it took for Lucy’s baby to beat the odds irritations of motherhood are any of the word ‘gram’ suddenly took on a ● 70 medical and nursing staff – Team easier to deal with because of my whole new signifi cance. I was picking Henry – applied skill and dedication experiences. Amid the day-to-day up those thin 150-gram packets of ● 38 minutes – the time it took the chaos, I’m as prone to the odd sliced meat in the supermarket, consultant to get in, scrub up and deliver sense of humour failure as the next Henry from the time he received the call thinking just over three of them person. But I make a conscious ● At least 14 blood transfusions weighed the same as Henry. e ort to remind myself how lucky ● More than 12 weeks of ventilation Just as the weight started to go on, ● 193 Heparin injections (to treat the we are, and seeing Henry laughing at 680 grams he hit a complication Antiphospholipid Syndrome) with William is a daily reminder. – necrotising enterocolitis, which can ● 1,476 bottles of expressed breast milk cause disintegration of the bowel, and ● The love and support of family and friends ● To support the hospital’s research, go to death. He was put back on total The power of positive thinking Friends of the Rotunda Hospital at for.ie ● parental nutrition through a drip into Hope. And love, so much love MURPHY LUCY OF COURTESY PHOTOGRAPHS

60 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 Inspiration on the move! Read Psychologies wherever you are in the world

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Books to soothe £3.99 your soul

culture It might be something from [ ] your childhood or something you discovered last year but chances are you’ve read it numerous times, and it warms your heart as soon as you turn the title page. Rosie Ifould investigates the appeal of the comfort read

o research this piece, I took cereal packets if there was nothing an old friend to bed. A kin- else around – but Anne stayed with me, dred spirit, you might say. like no other character. Those books For almost 30 years I’ve are my ultimate comfort read. looked in on her every so And most of us have one. Even if we Toften, to catch up on her exploits, from have now embraced Kindles or iPads, dramas with cake baking and escaped there will be one or two dog-eared old cows, to the tragic death of her friend paperbacks that have a special place in Matthew, and her romance with an our hearts. On a rainy day they never old school rival, via a dalliance with fail to give us exactly the right kind Roy Gardener, a man with suitably of satisfaction. It isn’t an exaggeration melancholy eyes. to call a comfort read a friend. I am, of course, talking about Anne ‘Books provide the opportunity for Shirley, better known as Anne Of Green social connection and the blissful calm Gables. I first discovered her creator that comes from becoming a part of LM Montgomery on my grandmother’s something larger than oneself for stock bookshelves as a child, and spent all my a precious, fleeting moment,’ writes tte R pocket money on my own copies, which psychologist Dr Shira Gabriel of the

ph: sh U chart Anne’s life from 11 to middle-aged University of Buffalo, who discovered mother of six. I read everything then – in a recent study that we can derive a >>> RA photog even memorising the ingredients on similar amount of life satisfaction from

56 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE JANUARY 2014 JANUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 57

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POCKETMAGS WORKS WITH APPLE IPAD, ANDROID, KINDLE FIRE, BLACKBERRY PLAYBOOK, WINDOWS 8 AND PC OFFLINE READER DEVICES Are you an attention deflector?

BEHAVIOUR ‘I’m all right, really!’ Ever found yourself uttering those [ ] words as you stagger under the weight of a million responsibilities? If so, you might be a closet attention deflector (they do like closets). Sufferer Rin Hamburgh makes a diagnosis

ave you ever had the flu? I the opposite direction, denying our ‘It’s probably just because I’ve been mean influenza, the disease stresses, struggles and strains to the working hard, and I really am quite that causes between a quar- degree that we risk missing out on help tired...’ I argued when she suggested it. ter and half a million deaths we desperately need. Some of us, in fact, ‘You do know that constant tiredness worldwide every year. If you become, attention deflectors. is one of the signs of depression, right?’ Hhave, you’ll know about the bone-aching I think I’ve been this way all my life, she countered. weariness, the waves of fever, the relent- but it came as something of an epiphany ‘But I have so much to be grateful for,’ less pain that all conspire to send you to to me not all that many months ago, as I tried again. ‘There are so many people bed for a minimum of a week or more. I sat having a coffee with a friend. I’d worse off than me.’ You’ll also know the frustration of hear- been going through a rough time, and She stared back but said nothing. ing someone with a sniffle and a weak she had noticed, despite my best efforts ‘I’m sure I’ll be OK, I just need to e cough stating with satisfied resignation, at making light of the situation with make more of an effort...’ I said. c ur

‘Oh yes, I have the flu.’ clever deflecting phrases like ‘Oh, I’m It went on for ages, as I listed all the so e g

Attention-seeking is an incredibly just a bit overtired’ (read: I want to go reasons I didn’t want to ask for help. In a irritating phenomenon for those on the to sleep and never wake up). among them was, I suddenly realised, ls/im

receiving end of such bids for sympathy. Despite the fact that I have known the fear that people – the doctor, my ua Fed up of endless moaning over seem- plenty of people with depression – friends, my family – might think I was

ingly minor ailments or circumstances, including close family members – it making a fuss over nothing. After all, vis old : h p

we vow never to be so over-dramatic, took this kind but firm friend to point who doesn’t get a bit tired, stressed and ra and so we play down our own difficult out that perhaps it might not be such down every now and then? otog h

circumstances. But in doing so, some a bad idea to go and see someone about It took another half hour of back and p of us can swing just a little too far in how I was feeling. forth argument with my friend before it >>>

62 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 63 behaviour

>>> dawned on me that it was true, I really People are concluded that there is still a stigma was struggling and I did need to ask attached to crying. ‘The women felt for help, and that my constant denial inherently busy, that if they let go emotionally, they’d be of my suffering might be just as irritat- so if you never flag letting the side down,’ she says of her ing for those friends and family as an up that you need research subjects. ‘Someone said they attention-seeker’s pleas for notice. would be a “gender traitor”. It’s this idea I was diagnosed with depression the support, you’ll that you have to be strong, you have to following week and was soon getting never get support’’ be in control. It’s difficult to know the help I needed, not only from the sometimes just how much emotion is medical profession but from loved appropriate to expose to people.’ ones. The diagnosis legitimised my what happens is they can feel lonely or struggle in a way – after all, if a neutral isolated. People are inherently busy, Strike a balance outsider could state there was a prob- so if you never flag up that you need The key is to avoid attention-seeking lem, then perhaps I wasn’t being an support, you’ll never get support.’ and attention-deflecting behaviour, as attention-seeker after all. That thought Most of us are also bad at taking our both can leave us feeling isolated. ‘If allowed me to ask for help and, surprise, own advice, says Professor Gail Kin- you’re self-aware and know you’re in a surprise, I started to feel better. man, professor of occupational health good place, you can be supportive of psychology at the University of Bedfor- others and just happy you’re having a Admit it shire. ‘It doesn’t matter how intelligent good patch,’ says Dr Atcheson, author of Why did it take so long to admit I was or knowledgable you are, it doesn’t Guide To Perfect Relationships (Hay struggling? After all, I consider myself apply to you,’ she says. ‘Recently, I was House, £7.99). ‘Be conscious that you’ll to be relatively self-aware. But that may at a work-life balance conference and a have a bad patch at some point too but well be one of the problems, according lot of us were whinging about how bad you can ask for help then, because you to Dr Lucy Atcheson, a Harley Street our work-life balance was, and we’re all haven’t been pointlessly asking for help chartered counselling psychologist. international experts on the subject! when you didn’t need any. ‘The more self-aware and socially We’re very good at giving advice, but ‘Ask yourself, “Do I take as much as I aware you are, the more you can see the we don’t seem to allow it to apply to us.’ give? Do I even take 50 per cent as much people who are making a big fuss, and As Brits, we’re at a particular disad- as I give?”’ she adds. ‘When you’re help- so you’re more likely to be a deflector,’ vantage when it comes to deflecting ing other people, try to make a mental she says. ‘Lots of people are so keen not attention. It’s a cultural thing: ‘Me? I’m note, “I’ve been there for others, so I can to seek attention that they deflect, but fine’, ‘Mustn’t grumble’, ‘Don’t mind ask them to be there for me”.’ me’. Remember that advert where two Remember that it works both ways. women, clearly full of nasty head colds, As you admit your needs, you give ACTING THE martyr meet on the street and chat to each others permission to admit theirs. other about their busy schedules, and Having finally faced up to my strug- Does this sound like you? conclude by revealing that their poor gles with depression, I spent one very ● When someone asks, ‘How are you?’ husbands are sick in bed? These are tearful afternoon with my best friend, is your standard response, ‘I’m fine’, the role models who encourage our pouring my heart out. Naturally, she even if you’re not? attention-deflecting behaviour. It’s not was kind and sympathetic, and I felt so ● Do you put off going to the doctor, good to rest in bed when you’re ill, they much better for having shared. thinking, ‘I’ll be fine in a couple of days’? say, it’s better to rush about looking A couple of weeks later, she called me ● Do you tend to be the person everyone else goes to with their issues? after others and not making a fuss… early in the morning, in floods of tears Then there’s the work culture that after a particularly rough night with ● Would you say you generally like to be in control, or to be the ‘rescuer’ who says that weakness – emotional and her colicky baby. I was more than happy looks after other people? physical – is to be avoided at all costs, to go round with pastries, coffee and ● Do you struggle to ask for help? especially if you’re female and trying to sympathy. And you know what? I never Try noting down each time you find compete in a male arena. once thought she was making a fuss. yourself playing down a problem. In 2008, Professor Kinman con- Then try asking for help with at least ducted a study around women showing For more from Dr Lucy Atcheson, go to counsellingpsychologistlondon.com one of them. emotion in the workplace, and she

64 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 PHOTOGRAPH: plain picture Next month in Be yourself Don’t miss the M arch issue –onsale 31 January world’s happiest nation selves isgood for you embracing your many the paper bag the paper bag special report: throw away LEsson –aguidefor softies aggressive people How to deal with and invite love into your life RELIGHT YOURFIRE PLUS: for happiness TRAI F Go mul 18-PAGE s t O N iply RTH and RTH and Anxiety-busting Anxiety-busting Y S O pe from the from the UR BRAI ci – why – why a L s e ction N

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Great Ormond Street Hospital Children’s Charity. Registered charity no. 235825. The Life lab Self-help I Wise Words I Special Reports I Experiments 78 FEELING A BIT OVERWHELMED? Being able to name accurately what’s going on is a necessary part of changing it’’ MARY FENWICK 88 EVENTS: TRY A WORKSHOP 69 BREAKING THE EMOTIONAL EATING HABIT 85 HOW TO TAME YOUR INBOX PHOTOGRAPH: VICTORIA LING. ILLUSTRATION: NAOMI WILKINSON NAOMI ILLUSTRATION: LING. VICTORIA PHOTOGRAPH:

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THE LIFE LAB } special report

WHAT’S EATING YOU? Diets don’t work. We all know that to maintain what doctors call a ‘healthy weight’, the only thing that really works is eating nutritious foods in moderation and taking regular exercise. But our relationship with food, and with our bodies, is never merely physical. For example, what we call ‘comfort eating’ – eating for emotional reasons, rather than to satisfy hunger – now affects up to 12 million people in the UK*. Psychologies’ s er acting beauty & wellbeing editor, Amerley Ollennu, is one of d r so i them. Sick of turning to food for solace when the results of g d eatin

r her behaviour just gave her grief, she decided to investigate o f the comfort-eating phenomenon and see what she could entre c

nal >>>

o learn about herself in the process ati * N photography Victoria Ling

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 69 THE LIFE LAB } special report

deadline is looming, so ‘purpose’ that rings most true for I eat. I have an argument me – many of us don’t know what with someone, so I eat. to do with feelings of anger, sadness I am disappointed, over- or helplessness so we eat instead. whelmed or stressed – Two years ago, after a cycle of Aguess what? Yup, I eat. I’ve learnt eating to self-soothe resulting in from an early age to comfort myself weight gain, then yo-yo dieting and with food. We all do it at times, but binge-eating (which last year was when it starts to get out of control, acknowledged in the US as a legiti- and when it’s a ecting your health mate disorder), I thought that I had – that’s when comfort eating can finally found a way of eating and become a serious problem. living that worked for me. I was the What’s interesting is that none smallest I’d ever been. of us are immune: we’ve all eaten Looking back now, I can see how for comfort at some point. ‘Chil- extreme my regime was: no more dren do it, adults do it, we all engage in eating serves a purpose. A traumatic than 1,200 calories a day, no alcohol, the kind of eating that has nothing to do childhood could be to blame in some and three hours of exercise, six days a with hunger. Eating to treat ourselves, cases. These people may su er from a week. The tipping point was a relation- eating to have a good time with others, stress disorder, and develop emotional ship that turned sour. It triggered some eating as a response to anxiety or stress hyper arousal. They feel too much, so emotions that at the time I thought were and to distract ourselves from what is use food to dampen feelings down to a to do with my relationship history, but bothering us,’ explains psychologist Dr manageable level. People who feel low that I later realised had more to do with Deanne Jade, who specialises in weight all the time without being sure why use my childhood. I began to comfort eat in and eating issues and founded the food to ‘wake them up’ just to feel ‘nor- an attempt to block out my feelings, as National Centre for Eating Disorders. mal’. Some use food to stimulate them, well as to love and reward myself, but a bit like an alcoholic or a drug addict. now, almost three years on, my out-of- Food, glorious food Others may have learnt early on that control emotional eating has affected As in many households, in mine food it’s not OK to have negative feelings, so not only my weight but almost every was often given as a reward for good they eat to distract or punish themselves aspect of my life. behaviour, or an exam passed, or as a as they believe that having a less than I knew I wanted to stop, and that just treat, to express love. I remember an au positive feeling means something is starting another diet wasn’t going to pair picking me up from nursery every wrong with them. And – and this is the help. Depriving myself often leads to all- day and we’d often go to a lovely bakery or-nothing thinking – the minute I eat where she’d buy me a croissant – just something ‘bad’ I decide I’ve blown it because. And my extended family’s get- then gorge on every ‘bad’ food I can ﬁ nd. togethers often revolved around food – I needed to confront my issues and delve if you didn’t eat, something was wrong. deeper to ﬁ gure out why there was such But equally, because I had overweight 40% a disconnection between how I wanted relatives, there was an underlying fear to eat and how I was currently eating. of getting fat, too. My grandma would OF ADULTS IN THE UK buy me chocolate but then comment Spotting the pattern if I’d put on weight. So I have learnt to ADMIT TO COMFORT I decided to begin by trying therapy associate food with love, to use it as a so went to see psychologist Dr Sonia way to reward myself – but, as I later EATING WHEN SAD, Greenidge, who specialises in Cognitive discovered, to punish myself, too. Behavioural Therapy, a form of goal- Dr Jade believes there are many dif- ANXIOUS, LONELY orientated, problem-focused treatment. ferent types of emotional eaters but The CBT model states that the way a what they have in common is that their OR STRESSED* person thinks will in turn affect their TUBBS CHRIS PHOTOGRAPH: WEB MD. ** CLINIC. THE PRIORY *

70 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 emotional state, which will then affect have. What had begun as a way to protect through TV, films and magazines I’d their behaviour. With emotional eating, and comfort myself had turned into formed an idea of how women should we’re already aware of the behavioural behaviour that only made me feel worse, look. In my mind, slim women were response – eating. What we need to and led me to comfort eat more to push more loved, successful and happy. understand is our idiosyncratic inter- down feelings of self-loathing. I remember going to a friend’s house pretation of events and how this affects With Dr Greenidge, I looked closely when I was about eight to go swimming. us emotionally, thus leading to certain into events that shaped my life growing I was taller than her with some baby fat patterns of eating. up, and how they’ve had an impact on – there was no way her swimsuits would At my first session, I explained I felt my relationships with others since. I’ve fit me. So her mum gave me one of hers. as if every meal and snack choice was always felt I had to work hard for people I felt embarrassed that I wasn’t small driven by a need to self-soothe rather to love me, which may be why I go out and skinny like my friend and the perfect than to satiate hunger. Before I lost with emotionally unavailable men, and women I saw on screen. weight in 2011, I was under the impres- why I push myself to take on difficult As I got older, these insecurities got sion that my life would be perfect if I regimes in a bid for perfection. Eventu- worse, as I adopted the formula that I was slim. Finding out this wasn’t the ally it’s all too much hard work and I let could only be loved if I were ‘perfect’. case, I just let go. Denying myself to look go by comfort eating. I figured out that This way of thinking has had a profound a certain way hadn’t got me anywhere, impact on my romantic relationships. so to comfort feelings of failure, I ate. It’s almost as though I seek out the I discovered through my sessions wrong type of men to punish myself that I also ate to protect myself from because I don’t think I’m perfect, and future failed relationships. Eating this therefore don’t deserve love. What had way meant I’d gain weight, which would 75% been an unconscious way of thinking protect me from interest from men. I and being was, all of a sudden, revealed. wouldn’t have to go through another of overeating Dr Greenidge gave me a number of break-up, or, if I did have another rela- tasks to do each week to help me under- tionship and it didn’t work out, it would is caused by stand more about myself. One was to be because I didn’t look perfect, not write down every time I felt annoyed. I because of any character flaws I may emotions** wrote about two women who sat next >>>

JANUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 71 THE LIFE LAB } special report

>>> to me on an empty train then had a loud my behaviour, now I needed help shift- conversation; a man on the tube who saw ing it. One of the first things Yvonne a pregnant woman and didn’t get up for McMeel, nutritionist at Urban Retreat her; the radio station I listen to being Harrods, told me was that ‘all the mind- taken over by a big conglomerate to the fulness in the world won’t help regulate 1 in 3 detriment of its listeners. I realised I emotional eating if you’re surviving on become incredibly angry with people for one sugary or carby hit after another’. women put on not behaving in the manner I think they ‘When we eat sugary foods, the pan- should, even when I’m just a bystander. creas produces insulin, which helps weight when This helped me to recognise my high regulate the level of sugar in our blood,’ expectations of myself and others and, she explained. ‘With too much sugar the stressed** coupled with keeping a food diary, pancreas can struggle to get the balance allowed me to see how I use food to right, and blood sugars can drop below all I want to do is eat loads of chocolate, sedate my strong feelings. normal levels. This causes hypoglycae- I love and accept myself anyway.’ Then I recorded everything I ate and how I mia, the sluggishness better known as a you start tapping on the side of your felt before, during and after. This helped sugar crash, which makes us want to eat hand while repeating the set-up phrase me see I’d become so adept at pushing more sugary or carby foods to feel what three times. This is followed by tapping my feelings down that often I had no idea we think is normal, thus starting the about seven times each on the various how I felt. There are different reasons process all over again.’ When a person meridian points around the body, while why I turn to food. For example, one has an unbalanced diet there is physio- repeating the set-up phrase. night I noticed my mood shifting as a logical chaos too, as a spike in blood At first, it felt odd. I’d learnt about concert I’d gone to came to an end. I sugar can result in panic, anxiety, impul- positive self-talk so couldn’t understand passed a shop on the way home and siveness, nervousness and anger that why I was now addressing my negative bought chocolate because I felt like it. are caused by the diet itself – rather than feelings, repeating them over and over But as a result of the therapy I realised by what’s going on in their life. again. But as I continued, I began to I didn’t really fancy some chocolate; I I’ve often suffered from nervousness notice that not only did it make me more was sad because my amazing evening and irrational anger when I’ve ‘crashed’, mindful and reveal things about myself was over, and I felt like comforting then attempted to comfort myself with I’d not previously been aware of, it also myself. If I’d been more in tune with the same high-sugar foods that got me brought me a sense of peace. I was able my feelings, I could have looked for a on this emotional rollercoaster in the to safely feel my emotions while accept- different way to address that, such as first place. McMeel advocated healthier ing them and myself at the same time. listening to the same music from earlier food choices, and coached me in EFT as Although both CBT and EFT opened on my iPod to keep the ‘buzz’ going. a way to work through my emotions. my eyes to the issues I’ve been facing and So, having addressed the source of the core beliefs I must let go of, they’re Free yourself not a quick fix. I’ve become more mind- Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) ful about how I eat but have also found or ‘tapping’ is a form of psychological it difficult to let go of food as a means of acupressure, said to help with anxiety, comfort. It’s a journey I must travel, stress, chronic pain and emotional prob- long and – I imagine – at times arduous. . lems. It’s a fairly new technique based on I will spend the rest of the year docu- ittee

50% mm o

acupuncture and acupressure, and uses menting my experience. Join me on C source

isory of people who the body’s meridian points. You stimu- my quest to think and eat better, as e g a Adv m

late them by tapping gently with your I test new theories, adopt a healthier life- i x/ fingers – like acupuncture without the style and set myself and you, the reader, u L binge-eat have otter needles. You start by rating the intensity some challenges along the way. P enry

of your negative feelings on a scale of stephen been depressed For EFT scripts see psychologies.co.uk. : 0-10, where 10 is severe. Then you deter- Amerley Ollennu will try new techniques raph at some point in mine a set-up phrase, which must have and thinking around comfort eating in g

specific meaning for you. For example, her new column, Brain Food, beginning in ** H *NHS.CO.UK. photo their lives* ‘Even though I feel really stressed and our March issue, out 31 January. >>>

72 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 THE LIFE LAB } special report

JANUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 73 >>> wi of feedingemotionalwithfood. hunger be better equipped to decrease bouts physically hungry. By doingthisyou’ll above afive andyou’re probablynot very hungryand10very full.Anything fullness on a scale of 1 to 10; where 1 is and foodisnot asolution.Ratehunger/ as youraimistodealwithemotions, you keep eating until way past fullness when full;emotionalcanmean hunger Physical meansyoustop hunger eating result of an external or internal trigger. canstriketional hunger suddenlyasa usually comesongradually;emo- ger cravings forspecificfoods. Physical hun- but emotionalinthemouth,with hunger Physical isfeltinthestomach hunger andfullnessfeellike. Learn whathunger physically hungryamIrightnow?’ 2 1 youyour Greenidge ortells appetite comfort how yourself Sonia food –Dr merelyto having sate to helpeating between to distinction the you take make you steps can practical There are 4 74 and give it the space it needs instead of Next, youneedtolearn to sitwithit to start dealing with it without food. Once you’ve identifiedit,itwillbeeasier your heart?Anxiety inyourtummy? Stress inyourshoulders?Sadness calmly, scanyourbodyforemotion. should ring.Shutyoureyes, breathe eight, youremotional eatingalarmbell hunger/fullness and it’s as high as an able torecognisethem.Ifyourateyour to emotional eating,youfirst needtobe THE

PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE F Before you eat, ask yourself ‘how Before you eat, ask yourself ‘how emotional hunger Physical v. hunger To dealwiththeemotions thatlead emotions Sit withyour t t

ips for dealing dealing for ips LI h comforh F E

LAB

} special report EBRUARY 2014

t speaking to the person you feel has Perhaps wouldbeeasedby youranger led to theemotions thatcausedthem. of ways todealwiththesituationsthat as you understand the triggers, think because Iwas treatedunfairly’. understood’ or‘Ifeelangryrightnow feel sad rightnow becauseIwasn’t emotions.what triggers For example,‘I 3 it, ignoring it or judging yourself for it. it, ignoringitorjudgingyourselfforit. experience now rather than rejecting found it. You’re accepting this isyour shut youreyes, putitbackwhereyou hurt you.Whenyou’re familiarwithit, you. Lookatitsform,size,colour. Itcan’t represents theemotion infrontof your eyesandimaginetheobjectthat Open about? Or a grey cloud hovering? imagine it.Aretherebutterflies flitting say it’s anxiety. Shutyoureyesand is becuriousaboutwhatyoufeel.Let’s trying topushitaway. Oneway todothis spend onadie ea The number of The numberof because...’ will helpyouunderstand Saying ‘IfeelemotionArightnow Discover your triggers years bri 32 t ing

t ons ons t * As soon As soon

hunger without responding with food. hunger have ‘me’time.Dealwiththeemotional book a massage, turn your mobileoff, thing niceforyourself.Have abath, Maybe that’s what you need. Do some- you do? Give them a hug, perhaps? dealing with this emotion what would you feelandwhy. Ifsomeoneelsewas treated youunfairly, expressinghow 4 prudentiacounselling.co.uk Dr SoniaGreenidge canbe contactedat seek alternatives tofood. andto them, torecogniseyourtriggers with youremotions, moreaccepting of therapist canhelpyoubecomefamiliar need more support, working with a what arethelong-termones?Ifyou gains andlossesfromindulging, in yourhead.Whataretheshort-term snack, doaquickcost-benefit analysis quite literally, eatingaway at you. emotions you’re feelingsotheyarenot, journal canbeagreatway toexpressthe down how youfeel.Just asentencein someone aboutwhathappenedorwrite of water, getsomefreshair, speakto youcanopt tional hunger tohave aglass aware you’re abouttorespondemo- make mesad/angry/anxious?’ Ifyou’re or ‘Did something happen to hungry?’ Write questions suchas‘Am Iphysically keep acheckonyourreasonforeating. food athomeorworkcanhelpyouto When youareabouttoreachfora Placing Post-its where you keep behaviour your Challenge

*Study commissioned by Del Monte Naturally Light THE LIFE LAB } special report

Learning to just feel my feelings, rather than stu them down with food, was so important”

Ani Richardson, 35, has grappled with emotional eating since her teenage years. She is a nutritionist, founder of website Nurture With Love (nurturewithlove.com) and author of Love Or Diet (Sassy Books, £14)

IN MY EXPERIENCE, there isn’t any neat 10-point feeling of being overwhelmed and anxious. It was like plan to follow when it comes to emotional eating. an escape. The escape never lasted long though and Healing is a deep, evolving journey that can feel afterwards I’d feel guilty, like a failure. I binged on challenging but ultimately provides true personal health foods but it doesn’t really matter what you binge and spiritual growth. on – if you’re eating to cover up emotions or problems Until I was 14, I had a good appetite and ate what it hurts and has an impact on life at all levels, from I was given at mealtimes. This changed when I made psychological to physical. I was ashamed, thinking new friends and became privy to the rife diet ‘surely a registered nutritionist should know better?’ mentality at my all-girls school. At the same time It all came to a head when my body gave up. I was I became really unwell with stomach problems and later diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. My quickly lost vast amounts of weight. A pivotal fi ancé broke o our engagement, I lost my home and a moment was overhearing someone close friend began to drift away all tell my mum not to worry about my Now I know at the same time. It was defi nitely weight loss because I’d been ‘plump’ the urge is never a rock-bottom moment for me and before. I had never thought of “ I knew I had to change. For the next myself as plump – the comment was about food, it’s four years I stayed single and learnt devastating. I began restricting food always about to care about myself. I studied for a and obsessing about it. Guilt and something else counselling qualifi cation and as part shame came up, emotions I’d never of that I had to attend therapy for a associated with eating before. Secretly I would eat, or year. I also” got a qualifi cation in eating disorders and restrict, and it was tiring. At 16, I changed schools and obesity management. Yoga, qigong, spirituality, food became less of an issue. I went to university, meditation, mindfulness and journaling all helped pushed myself hard, got a fi rst-class honours degree me to stay in touch with myself and I learnt assertion and went on to get a Masters in nutritional medicine. skills that helped to dampen down my people-pleasing Learning about the healing power of nutritious food, tendencies. Learning to just feel my feelings, rather and also the damage that can be done to the body with than stu them down with food, was so important. poor nutrition, was fascinating. Feelings often point towards authentic needs and Aged 22, accompanied by my super-healthy diet, I realised I was worthy of having needs. I moved to London where I worked as a health and After these four years, which I refer to now as ‘the nutrition writer. My eating issues returned. I felt cocoon’, I emerged and moved to the countryside. overwhelmed, anxious and out of place. I was isolated Fast-forward another four and I’m happily married to in a big city and craved nature. When I felt stressed an amazing man and we have two beautiful dogs. Do about meeting a deadline or having to go to a I still have the urge to comfort eat sometimes? Yes, but networking event, I would eat to stu down those now I know the urge is never about food, it’s always feelings, to numb myself. As I ate I would feel comfort about something else and if I’m open to exploring the because I was disconnecting from the uncomfortable feelings then I’ ll fi nd the wisdom behind the craving.

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 75 THE LIFE LAB } experiment

MIND The takeaway project Every month Martha Roberts invites you to road-test research around feeling good

IN LIFE, we spend a lot of him to observe a world in time thinking about what which those blessings never might have been, so much came about. This forces so that we may be in danger George to realise just how of taking for granted what rare and precious the good we actually have. But what things in his life are, which would our lives be like with- instantly cures his depres- out these loved ones, prized sion.’ So how does it work? possessions or significant Koo says that although this events? Well, University of may be a ‘saccharine’ view, Virginia experts suggest the George Bailey e ect can imagining their absence – reintroduce an element of so-called ‘counter-factual ‘surprise’ that the event actu- thinking’ – could make us ally occurred and can lead to feel more content with what real feelings of increased we’ve got and how our lives happiness at the outcome. have panned out. TRY THIS THE THEORY Koo asked participants to A number of studies conducted over the past decade have chal- describe an event for which they felt grateful from one of lenged people to try the ‘count your blessings’ hypothesis. The seven categories: education, health, safety/security, posses- evidence was mixed – some found that thinking about positive sions, break/vacation/weekends/holidays, act of kindness/ events did improve their wellbeing (Burton & King, 2004) while support from others, achievement and performance. Pick others found that it had no e ect on their positive or negative one – for example, a holiday you had that you really enjoyed emotions or feelings of wellbeing. and are grateful for having had the opportunity to go on. However, in 2008, Minkyung Koo and her colleagues sug- 1. Write about the scenario by describing ways in which the gested that where these studies went wrong was that they only event might never have happened or been part of your life. urged respondents to think of the ‘presence’ of something in 2. Write about the ways in which it is ‘surprising’ that this event life, not the ‘absence’ of it. Why should this matter? Koo et al is part of your life. On a scale of 1 to 7 (1 = ‘not at all’ and 7 = say that when we refl ect on only positive events, they soon ‘extremely’), rate the extent to which you feel the following: become familiar and the impact of their positivity fades. The distressed, happy, thankful, upset, grateful, joyful, sad, hopeful, key is to ‘unadapt’ to positive events by considering appreciative, lonely, depressed, secure and optimistic. their absence. They refer to the 1946 Frank Capra fi lm MARTHA 3. Next, write about the same event but this time It’s A Wonderful Life where an angel, Clarence Odbody, ROBERTS is an describe the ways in which it isn’t surprising that it award-winning takes suicidal George Bailey on a tour of the world as UK health writer became part of your life. Rate it by the same scale. it would have been had George never been born. ‘Rather and blogger According to the study, your ratings should show more at mentalhealth than asking him to count his blessings, Clarence allows wise.com positive feelings during the fi rst test than the second.

JOIN US! PLAY ‘WHAT IF’ WITH US AT FACEBOOK.COM/PSYCHOLOGIES OR ON TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG ILLUSTRATION: NAOMI WILKINSON/EASTWING NAOMI ILLUSTRATION:

76 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 New for 2014

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Physical fitness develops strength, stamina and agility Social Fitness develops awareness, communication and attitude

Attitude and esteem change lives Developed in 2007 by Will Murray, Packtypes Accurate self awareness builds self esteem is now used and trusted by hundreds of which determines our attitude to life. People schools, universities, businesses, charities, with positive self esteem usually achieve young offender organisations, the Police, the their full potential. Those without it usually NHS, the Fire Service, coaches and training don’t. Many youngsters with poor self companies. esteem never have a chance. Uncapped potential for Instructors Based on Jungian Psychology, Packtypes In response to growing market demand Social Fitness involves a unique, card based we are excited to be launching our Social system that creates profound self awareness. Fitness Instructor Programme. Because of the positive and reflective nature of the process, this quickly translates into Who could you help? positive self esteem, leading to increased • Apprentices through to senior executives confidence and motivation. • Women in business • Parents and families • Young offenders, adoption and fostering • Businesses and Government Agencies • Schools, charities and community groups • Individuals looking to get more out of life

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01386 832 844 | [email protected] | www.packtypes.com mary fenwick on LIFE

Feeling overwhelmed, overloaded and wondering if there’s something wrong with you? Reach out for help – there are many practical strategies that can help change how you feel and how your brain works Find someone you “can talk to honestly’’

I’m a 23-year-old student currently that your personal experience will be an enormous gift to studying medicine. It’s hard work and your professional life, no matter how you label what is going I enjoy it, but recently I’ve been easily on right now. You’re discovering just how hard it is to say out muddled when it comes to simple loud ‘there’s something not right in my head’. Indeed, you’ve things like my timetable or topics I’m chosen to write it down to a stranger, rather than ask learning. I’ve also started to feel as if someone in your circle face to face. Q I’m losing my sense of self; my friends Just as your future patients might ask you, you’re asking would always refer to me as an extrovert, but I can’t be me whether this is normal, or if you need to do something to bothered to socialise any more and often find myself being change it. I’d be inclined to say it seems normal so far, yet you negative about others. I don’t recognise this confused, still need to do something about it. unenthusiastic person I’ve become – it’s ruining my years What is normal? In the words of author Elizabeth Gilbert, studying medicine, which have always been the focal point ‘We don’t have centuries of educated, autonomous female of my life and something I’ve enjoyed. How can I get back role models to imitate here, so nobody has given us a map.’ to being the old me and enjoy this exciting part of my life? But it does seem like a good idea to use this as a reminder that if you don’t look after yourself, you can’t look after anyone else. At a public lecture on neuroscience and creativity, I have When I took on this job, the first question most a quick word with the speaker, Dr Cathy Stinear, afterwards. of my friends asked was, ‘Are the letters real?’ ‘If we really appreciated how plastic the brain is, we’d be more Reading your letter, they’d be in no doubt. Your careful with it in daily life,’ she tells me. ‘Do you mean with situation rings very true – to have achieved what we put into it?’ I ask, thinking of my coffee habit. ‘Yes,’ somethingA you really wanted, yet to feel as if you’re watching she answers, ‘but also we’d be more careful with the thoughts

yourself from the outside and don’t quite like what you see. we allow ourselves to have, especially the habitual ones.’ w a In your future career, you will have an important role in Thoughts lead to feelings, the process becomes circular: kinsh r helping other people decide how to define their experiences: feelings create the environment in which different thoughts i b

a i

‘Mental health problems are problems that can be diagnosed are possible. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, then your brain is r by a doctor, not personal weaknesses,’ according to the in the equivalent state to an overloaded computer – with that

website mentalhealth.org.uk. little icon that looks like a whirling beach-ball of doom. ph: victo ra You might be having a strong reaction to me even using the This might be what is contributing to your confusion. In

words ‘mental health problems’, but I have complete faith 2008, the UK government brought out a paper on Mental photog

78 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 THE LIFE LAB } wise words

Mary Fenwick is a business coach, journalist, fundraiser, mother, divorcee and widow

Capital and Wellbeing. The link between wellbeing and wearing the same style of underwear that Al Capone, the the brainpower that we have at our disposal was deliberate character he was playing, wore, even though it’s never seen on and explicit. If you boost your wellbeing, you boost your camera. If you choose, the way you deal with this experience brainpower. A number of ideas have come out of this, using can be your invisible underwear, giving you warmth and the ‘five-a-day’ template, but this time for mental health. confidence. I would say, however, don’t keep it a secret from I like the postcards that remind us to ‘Connect. Be Active. everybody. Being able to name accurately what’s going on is a Take Notice. Keep Learning. Give.’ Another way to remember, necessary part of changing it. Sometimes hearing or reading with essentially the same message, is by using the acronym other people’s stories helps us to recognise our own. That’s GREAT – Giving, Relating, Exercising, Appreciation, why pages like this exist. Trying Out. There’s evidence that meditation is like doing push-ups GOT A QUESTION FOR MARY? Email [email protected], for your brain, and physical changes, including better sleep with ‘MARY’ in the subject line patterns, can happen quite quickly. If you do nothing else, more inspiration: though, I’d urge you to connect, no matter how daunting it Read bis.gov.uk/foresight/our-work/projects/published- may feel. Find someone you can trust and talk to honestly. projects/mental-capital-and-wellbeing It will be immensely reassuring when your future patients Take action at neweconomics.org/publications/entry/ realise that you, in turn, are one of those people who can be five-ways-to-well-being-postcards Learn how to do a simple daily activity that’s good for your trusted. You won’t have to say so for them to know. In the mind with mindapples.org 1987 filmThe Untouchables, Robert De Niro insisted on

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 79 actionforcharity Cycle Africa women V cancer 1-9 October 2015 Join the next Women V Cancer cycle challenge in Tanzania and raise funds to ﬁ ght breast, cervical and ovarian cancers

For information and to register online: www.actionforcharity.co.uk [email protected] • 01590 677854

Raising funds for these charities:

Registered Charity Nos: Breast Cancer Care: 1133542/SC041236, Jo’s Cervical Cancer Trust: 1133542/SC041236, Ovarian Cancer Action: 1109743/SC043478. Women V Cancer ction for charity is established under the Charities Aid Foundation Charity No. 268369. To take part you need to pay a registration fee of £299 and raise minimum sponsorship funds of £3,000. lifechangingevents THE LIFE LAB } experiment

LOVE Keeping the passion alive Every month Sarah Abell invites you to improve your love life with small changes

EARLY ON in a relationship, objectified rather than passion comes very easily valued as a person. to most couples. Almost Solace Sex: The goal here is every touch, glance or word reassurance. If you feel inse- is loaded with desire. But cure about your attachment what happens to passion you are likely to look to sex when you are six months for proof that you are valued into a relationship, or even and loved. If your partner 60 months in – or 60 years? doesn’t want to have sex Is it inevitable that it will for any reason, you are fi zzle out eventually or can more likely to take it as a you expect passion to last personal rejection. If this and even grow? type of sex is the norm in a Dr Sue Johnson, clinical relationship you might fi nd psychologist and the author yourself trying to perform to of Hold Me Tight (Piatkus, please or being so demand- £13.99), believes that ‘the ing that it is a turn-off for passion of infatuation is your partner. just the hors d’oeuvre. Synchrony Sex: The goal for Loving sex in a long-term relationship is the entrée’. sex here is that it fulfi ls, satisfi es and connects. It is when emotional openness, responsiveness, tender touch and erotic THE THEORY exploration come together. If we want to have great sex in a long-term relationship, then Johnson explains that this is the way sex is supposed to be. we need emotional connection and if we want to have emotional She suggests that the best guide for erotic and satisfying connection we need great sex. The two go hand in hand. Johnson sex is ‘practice and emotional presence make perfect’. believes you will have di erent goals for your sex life, depending on how comfortable you are with closeness overall and how TRY THIS safe you feel in needing your partner. She calls these three kinds This month write a ‘Brief Guide for the Lover of ______of sex Sealed-O Sex, Solace Sex, and Synchrony Sex. (insert your name here)’. Include anything that you want your Sealed-O Sex: The goal with this type of sex is to partner to know about what turns you on before and SARAH ABELL release your sexual tension, to achieve orgasm and is a relationships during sex, your preferred positions, anything that to feel good about your performance. You are quite coach and author you want to try or don’t want to try, and what helps of ‘Inside Out – likely to have this type of goal if you have never learned How To Build you to feel connected during lovemaking. to trust, or struggle with being emotionally vulnerable Authentic You might want to share what you have written with Relationships with your lover. With Everyone your partner, you might not. If not, you could perhaps Johnson says this type of impersonal sex is toxic in In Your Life’ start a conversation with them about how hard you (Hodder & a loving relationship, as your partner is likely to feel Stoughton, £8.99) fi nd it to talk about these things.

‘WE WASTE TIME LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT LOVER, INSTEAD OF CREATING THE PERFECT LOVE’ TOM ROBBINS ILLUSTRATION: NAOMI WILKINSON/EASTWING NAOMI ILLUSTRATION:

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 81 ESTHER PEREL ON RELATIONSHIPS

Bedroom power struggles can not only dampen desire but extinguish the flame altogether. So how can we stop the battling and create a new dynamic to promote intimacy instead of destroying it? Recapture a feeling “of personal energy”

y client Lisa, who is sitting in my he’ll feel rejected again,’ she tells me. ‘It is always too little, therapy session, stony-faced, along too late. I am always accused of something.’ with her husband Philip, begins by Philip’s outbursts occur mostly when she approaches him saying they had the worst fight last sexually. Ironically, she, too, sees herself as having no control. weekend, nastier than usual, she says. ‘I feel like I’m constantly stepping into traps, that no matter Philip agrees. ‘Yes, three days in a row what I do or say, it’s wrong. I’ll make an effort but then he MI initiated sex and each time she rebuffed me. I can’t take it somehow feels rejected again,’ says Lisa. any more,’ he says. It’s been years of rejection, he continues, She confesses that to initiate sex, she has to turn herself and he feels hurt and angry. And what hurts him most is the on alone first, independently of Philip. She does not respond total lack of interest from Lisa. According to Philip, she has to external stimulations. As many men do, he sees all this as never in the last two years responded sexually to his advances. a power manoeuvre, in which sex is all on her terms. While he He feels undesired, misses the erotic connection, and feels sees her attitude as a way to control him, she claims it is a way that she controls the sexual switchboard. to get some control back. He is so frustrated that he sits in our session, pouring out In everything else outside of their sex life, Philip is the an endless litany of complaints that certainly doesn’t make ‘master’. He is 10 years older than Lisa, knows best, and things any better. Lisa’s face simply tightens as he starts micro-manages his wife, wanting her to do things his way. spitting out statistics. ‘I would be able to tolerate 25 per cent She describes herself as a Stepford Wife. He always needs to of rejection, even 50 per cent, but not 100 cent. I feel like a initiate sex, and her passive response is important to him. dog waiting at the table for a bone, then she says “I gave you His motto is along the lines of: ‘I act, you react.’ one yesterday”. Even when we have a great day, it makes no difference in bed,’ he says, angrily. Breaking the stalemate But instead of empathy for her husband, all Lisa feels is I point out that the situation appears to be that both of them e n

pressure. I dig a little deeper. At this point, this sexual end up feeling that it’s the other one who is in control. Lisa is a l

stalemate seems to be less about sex, and more about the on the look-out for Philip’s explosions, while he is looking out er fact that Philip has lost his ability to have a say in matters. for her rejection. I tell them that Lisa’s description of herself istoph He feels like he has no control over his sex life. as a Stepford Wife may have something to do with their r

However, Lisa argues that when she tries to connect, control struggle in bed. Maybe for her this is less about being ph: ch ra she is always on guard, wondering when she’ll step on the in control than about getting some control back.

minefield. ‘I’m always trying to avoid the trigger point where To break the stalemate, I suggest that Philip takes one photog

82 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 THE LIFE LAB } wise words

ESTHER PEREL is a psychologist, author and speaker regarded as one of the world’s most insightful voices on sexuality

month to focus solely on himself, to take control in his own now at the centre of his sex life with his wife. Philip needs life and make a major change. He’s decided to take up yoga, to do his part, but Lisa’s role is to make sure that he does to stop smoking, to go back to swimming, and not to eat red not wait in vain. meat. The goal is to recapture a feeling of personal energy, If Philip stops controlling Lisa for sex, then she will not a sense of control and to take Lisa out of the picture for a need the power of refusal to establish her sense of control while. There will be no sex, no talking about the lack of sex, in their relationship and they should find they set up a new and no begging from Lisa. dynamic in their relationship and in the bedroom. In our next session, Philip reports that he feels like he is getting his dignity back, even while he does not have sex, Got a QUESTION for ESTHER? Email esther@psychologies. co.uk, with ‘ESTHER’ in the subject line but he is able to stop the negative spiral. Most importantly, he is the one saying no. more inspiration: For Philip, waiting for the other person to make the first Read Male Sexuality: Why Women Don’t Understand It move is very uncomfortable – in all areas of his life. He says – And Men Don’t Either (Rowman & Littlefield, £9.99) by it makes him feel young, vulnerable and unmanly. From his Dr Michael Bader Watch ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_ childhood patterns, he has learned that if he does not take in_love.html charge, he won’t get anything, that if he doesn’t throw himself Visit estherperel.com at the thing, he’ll be left with nothing at all. And this belief is

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 83 Ten key ways to weather and bounce back from stress and trauma

“This book teaches you how to become stronger...” Earvin ‘Magic’ Johnson (5 times NBA champion and founder of the Magic Johnson Foundation) Resilience The Science of Mastering Life’s Great Challenges Steven M. Southwick, M.D. and Dennis S. Charney, M.D. £14.99 | OUT NOW ISBN: 978-0-521-19563-8 | www.cambridge.org/resilience

Resilience_195x125.indd 1 17/07/2013 14:35 THE LIFE LAB } experiment

WORK How to tame your inbox Every month Oliver Burkeman invites you to try out a new work routine

YOU PROBABLY RECEIVE work emails, Groupon ads too much email – and even and so on. (Do you use your if you don’t, there’s a good doormat to store physical chance that you check it mail? Thought not.) When a compulsively, or get similarly message comes in, decide if distracted by Facebook, it’s rubbish, in which case Twitter, texting and so on. delete it; or something you When it comes to managing should keep for future refer- these constant streams of ence, but that requires no electronic messages, two action, in which case archive common mistakes fuel feel- it in a folder. The third cate- ings of being overwhelmed gory is ‘active emails’: those and a lack of focus. The fi rst that demand a fast reply, or is checking your inbox or some other action. They’re gadgets whenever they the only kind that should demand it, instead of when remain in your inbox. As you choose. The second is soon as you’ve taken the failing to distinguish between action, archive the email. the three basic types of email (or text or message). Learn this crucial distinction, and TRY THIS you could halve your data-overload at a stroke. If your inbox contains emails older than (say) two months, move them all to a folder called ‘backlog’. To be honest, you THE THEORY can probably ignore them: anyone who still needs a reply is In his laboratory at Harvard University, the psychologist BF likely to email again. But if you must, spend 20 minutes a day Skinner trained pigeons and rats to peck at levers, causing ploughing through the backlog, using the three categories pellets of food to pop out. But he made a surprising discovery: above: rubbish, reference material, and active emails. For the creatures pecked more compulsively when they only some- every new incoming message, ask yourself which category it times got a pellet in return, instead of when it was certain. belongs to, and act accordingly. We’re alarmingly similar to those pigeons: what makes Meanwhile, turn off any alerts that interrupt you when checking messages addictive is the uncertain possibility of an email comes in; or for a real challenge, consider removing Join us! If you want to report back on your experiment or join the discussion on how to build great foun fi nding something important or fun. So if you can schedule your email from your smartphone altogether. Then, for one week, email-checking instead – checking twice a day, for try experimenting with different ways to schedule OLIVER example, or once an hour; the details will depend on BURKEMAN inbox-checking, fi nding out what works for you. You your job – you’ll gradually break the spell, because you’ll is a journalist might opt to check at 9am, 2pm and 5pm; or you could and author be much more certain of fi nding a ‘pellet’ of interest. of ‘The refuse to check it in the morning at all until you have The other key tactic is to stop using your inbox for Antidote’ done at least one hour’s work. Or maybe you could make (Canongate, general storage, mixing up important current tasks, old £8.99) a rule never to check it from home.

JOIN US! SHARE YOUR PROGRESS WITH US AT FACEBOOK.COM/PSYCHOLOGIES OR ON TWITTER @PSYCHOLOGIESMAG ILLUSTRATION: NAOMI WILKINSON/EASTWING NAOMI ILLUSTRATION:

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 85 ILONA BONIWELL ON FAMILY

When is the right time to have a child and will having one make you happy, especially if you already have older children? It might depend on how you define happiness and how you create meaning in your life Late parenthood “does have some perks”

sychologists have long said that children do not in bed in order to keep the placenta in place the second time make you happier. Particularly when they are round. It’s all change too when you discover that your older under five, or teenagers. Well, there are some children have all their usual demands the very first day you variations – the happiness levels of married get out of hospital! And now that you’re older yourself that and single mothers go up temporarily for a you don’t fall asleep after you get up to breastfeed during few months straight after birth, while for the night – and neither does your husband, despite the daily Pco-habiting new mothers the impact is more commonly exhaustion of running a 30-strong company and fighting the negative. For fathers, on the other hand, it’s usually bad news economic crisis. What can I say? Having a baby at (nearly) regardless of their marital status. This is hardly surprising, 40 and (nearly) 50 is not easy. considering that sex and attention from their partner become inversely proportional to the levels of tiredness. On the upside… What’s interesting is that research shows we consistently Luckily, older parenthood does come with some perks. First ignore or minimise the majority of useful facts concerning of all, money – we are far from rich, and the pay cheque for the negative impact of children on finances, marital health childcare is a black hole in the family budget, but this time and overall emotional wellbeing, preferring to idealise the round, we don’t struggle as much to write the cheque. We can picture instead. So given all that I know, why on earth did hire a babysitter for a night and go out for a romantic meal. I choose to have a baby when my new husband and I already We can buy quality baby food instead of slaving for hours in had four teenagers between us from previous marriages? the kitchen armed with the mixer. My first two pregnancies happened easily (not even by There are no bedtime fits, because having paid a high price accident) at the early ages of 20 and 22. So it was not until 35 first time around, I learnt the trick – a little kiss on the cheek, that I first discovered the term and associated abbreviation lie him down, turn around, exit the room, close the door and

of ‘trying to conceive’ (TTC). I never imagined the torture of don’t worry about any noises (excluding difficulties with w a monthly counting – first the ovulation days, then the cycle breathing) coming from the bedroom. Our bedtime routine kinsh r days, hoping that the period wouldn’t come – once, twice, the now takes a maximum of five minutes, including changing i b

a i

count going on and on, not quite believing the miracle when into pyjamas, all completely in the ‘French children don’t r it finally happened... throw food’ style. And, to be honest, you are nowhere near

And what a difference between dancing Christmas night as anxious as a new, inexperienced mother – you can even ph: victo ra away right before going into labour early on Boxing Day send your own mother away with ease, as when necessary

morning the first time around, and having to spend six weeks your own experience is more recent and plentiful enough. photog

86 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 THE LIFE LAB } wise words

Dr Ilona Boniwell is our new expert on family and is one of the most respected positive psychologists in the world. She lives with her husband, their baby and four teenagers

I know I haven’t quite answered my own dilemma – why wellbeing; or happily exclaiming ‘cow!’ for the 3,021st time, have a baby knowing it won’t make you happy? Well, it confirming again and again that it actually does give milk. depends on what we mean by happiness. True, the hedonic So the decision to have children – be it the first or the fifth enjoyment of life goes down substantially and doesn’t recover – is certainly not an easy one. Do you listen to your heart, or until children leave home (and my husband will be in his your friends, or pore over the scientific research statistics? seventies then.) Long live the British common-sense wisdom Perhaps the best decision at all is to use all of your life insisting children must fly the nest during university years! experience to help you evaluate what decision is the right However, research talks of two types of happiness – hedonic, one for you as a family. which is concerned with homeostasis and pleasure, and eudaimonic, which is concerned with meaning and fulfilment. Got a QUESTION for Ilona? Email [email protected], So, while the pleasure plummets in the permanent run for with ‘ILONA’ in the subject line the satisfaction of everybody else’s needs rather than your more inspiration: own, the happiness-as-meaning factor does actually improve Join us Ilona Boniwell is speaking on 6 March in London, after having children. on Positive Psychology For A Happier World. For details I find almost every moment with my baby Theodore go to http://happierworld.eventbrite.co.uk Visit psychologies.co.uk/family/do-children-make-us- meaningful – helping him to put three words together into a happy.html and the Happiness Formula at http://news.bbc. sentence; ignoring a temper tantrum, knowing that contrary co.uk/2/hi/programmes/happiness_formula/ to appearance it would undoubtedly benefit his own

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 87 THE LIFE LAB} events JOIN OUR TRIBE You’re not alone, there’s nothing wrong with you, we are all in this together. These are three messages you’ll hear again and again at our workshops. In collaboration with NOW Live Events, we’re delighted to work with broadcaster and writer Claudia Hammond at our January event, who will show us how we can change our relationship with time. And in February, we have three inspirational speakers from The School of Life, offering practical strategies on how to negotiate some modern-day challenges

LIVE SELF-DEVELOPMENT WORKSHOPS

HOW TO CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH TIME WITH CLAUDIA HAMMOND

DATE: Wednesday, 29 January 2014 VENUE: Conway Hall, 25 Red Lion Square, London WC1 4RL TIME: 7-8.30pm Does each year feel as if it goes faster than the one before? Why does time slow down when you’re afraid? Why do we sometimes take on more than we can ﬁ t in and then ﬁ nd ourselves rushing? In this workshop, Claudia Hammond, broadcaster and author of the award- winning book Time Warped (Canongate, £8.99), will guide you through the latest research, which will explain how we perceive time and how we can change our relationship with it. IN THIS WORKSHOP, YOU WILL LEARN: ● Why it feels like there’s not enough time ● How to make the weekends feel longer ● Ways to help you worry less about the future ● What you can do to make time go faster ● How to more e ectively predict how you’ll feel in the future

JOIN US! TICKETS FOR THE CLAUDIA HAMMOND EVENT COST £15 AND CAN BE BOOKED AT NOWLIVEEVENTS.ORG/EVENTS

88 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 HOW TO CHANGE At Now YOUR LIFE IN 2014 Productions UK, WITH THE SCHOOL OF LIFE we believe that DATE: Wednesday, 26 February 2014 life happens right VENUE: Conway Hall, 25 Red Lion Square, London WC1 4RL TIME: 7-8.30pm here. Right now. The School of Life is dedicated to exploring life’s big questions, We champion which are guaranteed to stimulate, provoke, nourish and engagement console. At this event we pick the brains of three of its renowned authors as they speak on their areas of expertise: with live events HOW TO CHANGE THE WORLD as a way of being John-Paul Flinto trained as an investigative reporter and his work has led directly to changes in UK government policy in the moment HOW TO THRIVE IN THE DIGITAL AGE and enjoying Tom Chatﬁ eld, author and columnist for the BBC, has worked with companies including Google and Mind Candy, and what spoken at forums such as TED Global and Science Foo Camp it brings’’ HOW TO AGE WELL Anne Karpf is a writer, medical sociologist and JANA STEFANOVSKA, FOUNDER award-winning journalist OF NOW LIVE EVENTS

JOIN US! TICKETS FOR THE SCHOOL OF LIFE EVENT COST £20 AND CAN BE BOOKED AT NOWLIVEEVENTS.ORG/EVENTS PHOTOGRAPHS: RII SCHROER, THE SCHOOL OF LIFE, LIFE, OF THE SCHOOL RII SCHROER, PHOTOGRAPHS: CREATIVE GILL/CLARENDON JEREMY WOLFF, STEPHANIE

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 89 PRE-ORDER NOW

Magazine SAVE 50% ONLY £11.97 SAVE 50% FOR 6 ISSUES SUBSCRIBE TODAY AN EXCLUSIVE LOOK BEHIND THE SCENES… Hints, tips BRAND NEW OFFICIAL BBC and tricks on JUNE 201 3 | £3.85 ANTIQUES ROADSHOW MAGAZINE JUNE 2013 | £3.85 antique hunting and collecting IN EACH ISSUE WE BRING YOU:

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126 DIVE IN PHOTOGRAPH: BAROS MALDIVES, DIRK LAMBRECHTS/BLAUBLUT EDITION LAMBRECHTS/BLAUBLUT DIRK MALDIVES, BAROS PHOTOGRAPH:

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 91 Advertising feature Begin your IVF journey Seeking fertility advice and treatment can be an emotional prospect, so knowing you’re in expert hands makes the whole process a lot easier

Dr Geetha Venkat doctor and, where possible, the same donor or surrogacy. HSFC offers MBBS, DGO, MD, nursing support team. Staff try to fertility check-ups for both men and FRCOG has more than ensure appointments are flexible, women, including hormone blood 25 years’ experience in including evenings and weekends. tests, semen analysis, ultrasound obstetrics and They aim to tailor treatments to scans and follow-up advice and gynaecology, with the last 15 years individual needs which helps achieve consultations. as a fertility specialist in a number of the best possible outcome. The first step is to book an initial high-profile clinics. In 2010 she HSFC offers an extensive range of consultation. HSFC holds regular open founded The Harley Street Fertility fertility services for couples who are evenings where you can come and Clinic (HSFC). As an established unable to conceive on their own, from meet the team. These evenings provide expert, Dr Venkat is regularly asked simple techniques such as timing a great opportunity to learn more about to present her work at conferences intercourse and inducing ovulation, the clinic, the treatments available and worldwide, has published many through to more advanced treatments, the facilities within an informal setting. articles in peer-reviewed journals and such as in vitro fertilisation (IVF) and Visit the HSFC website (www.hsfc.org. is a media spokesperson on fertility. IVF/ICSI using a sperm donor, egg uk) for details of the next event.

Seeking treatment Making the decision to seek advice CASE STUDY very high, so she was prescribed a on fertility issues can be daunting Nuria, 42, and her husband had drug treatment, which resulted in and you may feel nervous. The ethos been trying for a baby for two years nine eggs of good quality being of HSFC is to offer a personalised with no joy. She visited one fertility available, three of which were service in a relaxed environment. expert, but wasn’t happy with the transferred to her ovaries. Nuria The clinic boasts one of the highest initial consultation. She then got pregnant with the first attempt. visited Dr Venkat, who she clicked Her baby girl, Mamoca, was born success rates in London. Dr Venkat with straight away – the friendly, on 23 June 2012 – the same birthday believes a large part of this is due to caring and relaxed atmosphere as Nuria’s great-grandmother. its caring approach and the of the clinic put her at ease. Tests • For confidential advice, please continuity of care offered to patients. found Nuria’s egg reserve wasn’t call 02037 338 220

Patients will always see the same shutterstock photograph:

visit hsfc.org.uk, call 02037 338 220, follow us on twitter @HSFC_UK or on Facebook ‘Harley Street Fertility Clinic’ THE BOOST } beauty notes

TLC FOR HAIR

‘‘A barrier against pollution, this cream is gentle, TREAT STYLE nourishing Pantene Expert L’Orèal Paris Collection Advanced Elnett Volume and packed Keratin Repair Excess, with Moringa Masque, £6.99 £3.79 SMOOTH OPERATOR seed oil’’ Soft, creamy textures are the ultimate in self-love beauty. Add a veil of delicate Clarins Extra-Comfort mousse shadow with Lancôme Anti-Pollution Cleansing Cream, £25 Hypnôse Ultra Dazzling Colours, £21. Spinelle Rose is a suit-all shade with a creaseproof, long-lasting fi nish. For the rest of your face there’s Givenchy Prismissime Euphoric Now’s the time for... Pink, £44.50, with nine di erent lip and cheek cream colours. And for second skin-like base, Becca Ultimate Coverage Complexion Crème, £34, is your best bet. soothing Cracked lips, dry skin, brittle nails – and that’s just how I look on the outside! This time of year can be tough on our bodies and the bitter cold and dark can also make us feel a little glum. I’ve begun to gravitate towards soothing, thick textures that repair my winter-worn skin and the upside to the extra care I’m taking is that it feels like a physical action of self-love. To promote a sense of wellbeing, spending time nurturing your body is essential. For me it’s like a snowball e ect – I become more aware of my physical self and as a result I begin to feel more connected to my emotional state too. Many people LIP SERVICE advocate repeating self-love a rmations; CREAM OF THE CROP Just because your lips need intense moisture, I like to do this while I preen and pamper Like a cashmere jumper for your skin there’s no reason to forgo colour – or your – there is nothing vain about looking Caudalie Premier Cru La Crème Riche, desired fi nish. These three little wonders £92.50, has a potent blend of botanical good as a by-product of feeling better. will take care of everything… extracts that infuse nutrients, fi rm skin, Elizabeth Arden Limited Edition and protect from winter weather. And Beautiful Color Gloss Stick in Coral nourish the rest of your body too with a Reef, £ 17. NARS Satin Lip Pencil in Villa daily dose of Vitamin A and E-enriched Lante, £17.50. Revlon ColorBurst Crayon Acting beauty and wellbeing editor Alpha-H Firming Body Therapy, £34.95. Matte Balm in Shameless, £7.99

I’VE BEEN… PROTECTING MY SKIN FROM UVA AND UVB RAYS WITH ASTALIFT DAY PROTECTOR SPF35, £39 FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 132 SEE PAGE STOCKISTS, FOR

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 93 94 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 the boost } beauty

see the Light Want a naturally radiant, glowing complexion? Let’s face it, who doesn’t? Try letting go of over-perfectionism and work on skin enlightenment instead, says Catherine Turner

main PHOTOGRAPHs dirk lambrechts/blaublut edition

mooth. Luminous. Glowy. Radiant. These are emotional aspect of skin conditions. ‘But I do think we the words I’d use to describe great skin. When are more infatuated with it because of airbrushing.’ someone has that sort of gorgeous, even, dewy Dr Shah’s NHS work involves helping patients complexion, it’s alive with natural imperfec- deal with the psychological fallout from serious skin Stions. Age doesn’t matter. There may be laughter lines diseases, and in her private practice it often means (let’s not say wrinkles); freckles (rather than age helping those with milder skin problems, too. spots); redness (a healthy glow), even visible pores, ‘I see patients with small imperfections that have a spots or dark circles. It’s just that they’re not the focus. devastating effect, yet others might have eczema or This became clear to me recently when I met a psoriasis and it’s not a problem. It is your own percep- woman who had the most beautiful complexion: tion of what you think is “perfect”. In some cases, it has golden, youthful, outdoorsy. Later, when we became traits of body dysmorphia – the more a person thinks friends and she found out I was a beauty editor, she about the problem, the more sensitive they become. began to ask my advice. It turned out she was suffering They can start blaming their situation on their skin quite badly from uneven pigmentation. I can honestly condition and it becomes a vicious circle,’ she says. say that, until then, I hadn’t noticed, but she had just While Dr Shah uses various techniques to gradu- come back from a holiday and, on closer inspection, I ally restore confidence, for most of us attaining and could see the brown patches that troubled her. keeping that glow has no real short cut – it’s a matter We live in a notoriously visual world – that feeling of good day-to-day maintenance and healthy living. we have to be Facebook-ready at any moment – is this ‘Moderation is a huge driver – eating well, lots of water, having an effect? ‘I don’t think so, it’s always been de- no smoking or excess alcohol,’ Dr Shah says. picted, in paintings for example, and now in the media,’ Beyond that, there is a wealth of amazing knowl- says chartered clinical psychologist, Dr Reena Shah, a edge and skincare technology at your fingertips to specialist in psychodermatology, which recognises the bring back the radiance. >>>

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 95 Clinique Superdefense SPF20, £30. This is a great daily staple with >>> hi-tech protection and e cient moisturisers Armour up to keep skin supple ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone,’ sang Joni Mitchell, and that’s very true of skin – that it’s plump and unlined in our twenties we take for granted. While many of us are aware of the dangers of sunbathing, it doesn’t really sink in that daily exposure to UV light (even in winter those rays, particularly UVA, penetrate cloud and glass) is the main cause of ageing, leading to uneven pigmentation, lines and crepey texture. It’s easy to think it’s not happening, as damage may not show for up to 10 years, but though we can’t see it, the harm is occuring at a cellular level, explains Best protectors Dr Tom Mammone, executive director at Clinique DAILY PROTECTION AND research and development. ‘We used to think it took MOISTURISATION IS THE longer, but now we know even minimal exposure NUMBER ONE PRIORITY FOR GLOWING, HEALTHY SKIN Clarins Extra Firming causes changes to the biochemistry of skin. Recent Day SPF15, £48. Great research shows it can take as little as three minutes to for those aged 40+ cause an infl ammatory response and for the release who need a little more help with lines. Easily of the enzyme, collagenase, which can lead to the absorbed, with a destruction of collagen [the “stuffing” in skin that Sisley All Day All Year, radiant fi nish £230. This ground- makes it plump and young-looking].’ breaking lotion protects The answer is simple: use a daily moisturiser that and really seems to improve the look of skin o ers a di erent protection to the sort of sunscreen after a couple of weeks. you’d use on holiday. ‘Classical sunscreens are a shield A real investment buy from UVA and UVB but not other changes in skin. We don’t need high SPFs every day, but we need multiple layers Being a of protection,’ says barrier is the Mammone. As well as sunscreens, skincare skin’s number Bobbi Brown Extra companies now use one function” Repair Moisture ingredients to sup- Cream, £45. An instant port skin’s own cellular repair mechanisms. ‘We use comfort cream for skin su ering the e ects of antioxidant vitamins C and E, which work to prevent dehydration from the the chain reaction of damage; marine extract, which cold or general dryness helps to fi x DNA; plus ca eine as a calming ingredient to counteract the infl ammatory response,’ he adds. This might all sound very hi-tech, but the simple fact is that skin needs to be moisturised. Think about it – a smooth surface will refl ect the light better, creating a dewy, fresh look. Plus, as Mammone points out, ‘Being a barrier is the skin’s number one function.’ That doesn’t mean you need a heavy cream though –

most are available in light textures – also, think about Elemis Liquid Layer layering. Easily absorbed serums can deliver high Sunblock SPF30, £26. If your favourite Bliss Triple Oxygen percentages of actives to correct any problems, be they cream doesn’t have Ex-‘glow’-sion, £55. uneven pigmentation, oiliness or dryness, then you can protective elements, Like a breath of fresh wear a protective cream on top. use this on top as a air for skin, this has barrier Vitamin E to protect, and collagen boosters to restore suppleness 96 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 THE BOOST } beauty

Daily correctors LIGHT FIX MINOR ISSUES LIKE DRYNESS AND UNEVEN WORK SKIN TONE WITH PROBLEM- Certain types of light can o er great SOLVING SERUMS AND MASKS skin beneﬁ ts. ‘Light treatment gives a healthy glow by boosting oxygenation Tata Harper Wild About Beauty Rose and hydration. It can also be used to Concentrated Water Illuminating treat pigmentation, sensitivity and Brightening Serum, £22. This serum acne,’ explains skin therapist Marie Serum, £170. A luxe contains organic rose natural brand with water to soothe skin, plus Reynolds. Not to be confused with Madonna Lily and light-reﬂ ective pigments lasers, these are LED (Light Emitting Sea Fern extract to for a subtle iridescence Diode) treatments using ‘scattered’ help even skin tone light (violet clears bacteria, blue kills infection, yellow helps clear pigmentation), which is less invasive than lasers, with a more concentrated beam that

L’Oréal Paris goes deeper into skin. LED is going SkinPerfection mainstream and national this February Serum, £12. too, as Elemis introduces Biotech light This uses cutting edge therapy into its treatments. technology to Dior Capture improve uneven Totale Dream Skin, £79. A great Breathe and refocus pigmentation But there are also very simple ways and pores quick fi x, you can use this peachy to help yourself if stress has had fl uid on its own or a detrimental e ect on your skin. over moisturiser Naturopathic doctor Nigma Talib explains: ‘Stress can really speed up the ageing process due to the release of the fi ght-or-fl ight hormone, cortisol.’ Cortisol hardens skin protein, making it less supple. In addition, infl amma- tion in the body weakens the immune system, which makes skin more fragile, Estelle & Thild Repairing Oil sensitive and prone to allergies. Try Complex, £59. A few these two simple breath and mind- drops will soothe dry Aÿsse Masque clearing techniques below to help. skin, plus it has marine Tendre, £42. Think algae to help combat of this as a huge ● When stressed, breathe in through environmental damage glass of water for your nose, and visualise the colour blue; skin – use it as a moisture fi x to bring then as you breathe out, visualise red the bloom back as the stress leaves your body. ‘Repeat after a late night three times, in and out. You can do this any time you feel stressed,’ says Dr Reena Shah. ● Pick an object to concentrate on and begin to notice every single detail about Chanel Le Lift Crème, £89. This it. What size is it? What colour is it? Are ultimate glamour there any patterns? What is the texture cream smooths and plumps skin instantly. like? ‘This diverts attention away from Choose from three what’s going on, immediately lowering airy textures stress levels,’ Dr Shah says.

For more information, visit drreenashah.com, mariereynoldslondon.com, elemis.com >>>

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 97 THE BOOST } beauty Hourglass Ambient Lighting Palette, £56. Get ‘lit-from- within’ skin with >>> this trio of glowy Time to refl ect powders If great skin is as much about our own perception, then simply using the right make-up tricks to create the desired e ect means that we can face the day brimming with confi dence. Nowadays we have lighter-than-light foundations and concealers that use incredibly tiny pigments that sit on the skin to Instant produce the illusion of smoothness and radiance. illuminators Make-up artist Nicolas Degennes creates new GET THE ULTIMATE QUICK-FIX make-up products in his role as artistic director for RADIANCE BOOST WITH OUR PICK OF Le Makeup at Givenchy. ‘Every week I have new CREAMY, ILLUMINATING POWDERS, Givenchy Teint polymers [fi lm-forming ingredients] land on my FOUNDATIONS AND BLUSHERS Couture Long- Wearing Fluid desk from around the world that make it possible Foundation, £32. to correct tone and texture without being heavy on Light and liquid, a tiny bit goes a long way the skin,’ he explains. In his most recent foundation, to even out skin tone he used a micronised mother-of-pearl pigment – for a radiant fi nish ‘it can’t be seen on skin, but it plays with the light’ – so we need never look like we’re even wearing make-up. Rather than focusing on coverage, think

of this new breed of skin correctors as a veil over Clarins Opalescence the skin, and then Face & Blush Powder, use specialist con- £30. Use a big brush to blend for a hint of cealers on those The finely glow, or highlight blemished areas milled pigments along cheekbones that need a little and beneath brows more coverage – of today mean By Terry Rose which is usually de Rose Sheer that textures Liquid Blush No1, the T-zone and £40. A few drops around the eyes. look natural of this blended on cheeks gives Last but not on the skin” a ‘country walk’ least, the final freshness to skin touches for extra glow are blusher and highlighter – and if that sounds a little bit 1980s disco, bear in mind that the fi nely milled pigments of today mean Benefi t textures look natural on the skin, and you don’t POREfessional need to be an expert make-up artist to apply them. Shine Vanishing Powder, £23.50. If all-over glow is what you are aiming for then a Shake in a little ‘neutral’ powder is a good idea and gives a stylishly powder at one end, use the brush fi nished look to your make-up. Or you can use it to at the other end to highlight areas of the face that would naturally dust on catch the light – for example, your temples, along the top of your cheekbones, or down the centre of your nose. A hint of rosy pink colour on the fuller part of your cheeks (in line with the centre of your Liz Earle Healthy eyes, blending out) will bring an instant radiance, Bourjois CC Eye Glow Cream Blusher in especially if you choose creamy textures that melt Cream Concealer, £7.99. Blended Camellia, £16.50. into skin. Easy to apply with the fi ngertips, it’s a pigments brighten A foolproof creamy, handbag make-up staple that will boost your skin eyes, cancelling sheer texture that goes on in seconds tone any time, anywhere. out dark circles for a hint of colour 132 SEE PAGE STOCKISTS, FOR SHUTTERSTOCK. PHOTOGRAPH:

98 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 THE BOOST } beauty

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 99 THE BOOST } beauty trend

BEYOND THE BEAUTY COUNTER In our click-and-buy world, carefully thought-out beauty boutiques are bringing back the heady joy of shopping, says Catherine Turner

hopping for cosmetics recreation. Karen Welman, found- has always been some- ing creative partner of Pearlfi sher, thing I’ve loved – much brand designers and consultants more than clothes or who create spaces such as luxe shoes. It began, age 11, wellness-meets-fi tness venue The Swhen my Saturday ritual was Library in London’s Notting Hill, about meeting my friends to look agrees: ‘It’s ever more important around ‘the beauty bit’ at Boots. for physical environments to o er We’d spend all our pocket money what the virtual cannot – to engage on a Max Factor Lip Potion – a the senses, to enrich, to immerse 1970s-style sticky, liquid roll-on us and become part of our lives.’ lip gloss – I can taste the cherry Internet shopping has made the fl avour even now. As a teenager, ‘behind the counter’ attitude from I’d risk the intimidation of the Guerlain’s Champs Eysées store has always my teens redundant. ‘You can be glossy sales ladies in department stores been synonymous with luxury shopping in bed, watching a fi lm of a perfumer just to soak up the exotic mix of aromas, describing a fragrance, then click to buy my eyes ablaze with the refl ected glory made my heart beat a little faster. And it. It comes straight to your house. This of gold compacts and sparkling per- I couldn’t help but smile as I saw the has changed what we offer in-store,’ fume bottles I couldn’t a ord. oversized golden bumble-bee ‘ball oons’ says Frederic Malle, founder of luxury fl oating above me (actually metal sculp- perfume line, Editions de Parfums. Shopping and emotions tures, a nod to the bees that featured on ‘We’ll have 30 per cent fewer stores The reason beauty halls are on the a perfume bottle designed for Empress in 10 years’ time because of the growth ground floor of department stores is Eugénie of France in 1853). of our web business, but those stores because of sensory ‘pull’. I was reminded ‘We wanted to create a “temple of will be more important,’ says Shimon how important that can be as I walked beauty”, to bring about di erent states Kalichman of L’Occitane. ‘They’ll be into the re-vamped La Maison Guerlain of mind, to move hearts, not just prod- places that tell the stories of our prod- in Paris, flagship store of the French ucts o the shelf,’ says Guerlain CEO ucts, where customers can learn.’ perfumer at 68 Champs Elysées, a-buzz Laurent Boillot, who masterminded Past and future meld cleverly at La with crowds at the recent grand open- the look. Of course, he does want us to Maison. The ground-fl oor extension to ing. If beauty shopping was ever to give buy at the store (it’s a business, after all), the original store will change con- you a high, it’s here. The brightness of but this emotional acknowledgement is stantly, with the energy of new ‘exhib- the shiny, white marbled fl oor in a room an indication of the heady heights we its’ contrasting with an air of mystery

with hundreds of Guerlain’s perfumes are reaching in terms of shopping as and calm in the older space. GUERLAIN BY SUPPLIED IMAGES

100 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 A thing of beauty our favourite homegrown beauty boutiques:

BeautyMART (Harvey Nichols Leeds, Liverpool and London) A curated edit of products by ex-Vogue beauty director Anna-Marie Solowij, and make-up guru Millie Kendall. Brands range from the cute and obscure to the top picks of must-have mainstreams. Shop shelves are designed to act like website drop-downs, so you can either quick shop or browse.

CONTENT BEAUTY & WELLbeing (Bulstrode Street, London W1) This tiny shop is packed to the gunnels with the best natural beauty brands – everything from skincare to make-up, with superfoods on offer to beautify your insides. One of our favourites.

The skincare Aesop (Marylebone corner at High Street, La Maison Guerlain London W1) Minimal modern design makes this a peaceful place to In my space a commercial establishment’. That shop the brand’s What’s exciting about this trend is that could mean sitting in the peaceful light pared-down skin, we’re being treated better than ever of the deep-carpeted beauty ‘institut’ body and haircare range. in-store. ‘Customers expect salespeople lounge, sipping tea and eating petits Liberty (London, to have a huge amount of knowledge fours made by the chef in the basement W1) recently opened now because they’ve become experts restaurant while you wait for your its ‘beauty must- themselves, through the explosion of made-to-measure treatment, or perus- haves’ freestanding blogs and YouTube channels. We have ing the make-up bar on the ground floor counters stacked had to really raise the bar in terms of beneath beautiful mirrored artwork. with cult problem/ service,’ says Sarah Coonan, beauty Look closely and you’ll notice a Proust solution products buyer at Liberty. Malle adds: ‘I treat my quote in crystal beads that reads: ‘The to browse through. customers as friends – as if I am greet- real voyage of discovery consists not in There’s also a Frederic Malle Editions de Parfums ing them at my home.’ seeking new landscapes but in having boutique where you can experience the Peter Marino, creator of the interi- new eyes.’ It’s the message of Guerlain’s scents in the futuristic pod-like fragrance ors for La Maison, says he wanted it to continual re-invention, and an inspir- booth first launched in Paris, and a teeny have ‘a feeling of being at home and not ing thought to take home with you. Josh Wood Atelier hair salon.

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‘‘This lotion contains tea tree, lavender, echinacea and aloe vera juice and is brilliant at healing blemished or damaged skin’’ Odylique Spot-On Serum, £6.50

SIMPLIFY Aromatherapy Associates Support Massage & Body Oil, £40. RESCUE I adore the calming Barefoot Botanicals chamomile in this. SOS Face & Body Rescue Cream, £10.50. It’s all about... Gentle chamomile and neroli oils make this cream a real multi-tasker. Dr.Hauschka Rhythmic Night Conditioner, £40. creating calm This light serum is a great ‘blitz’ for sensitised skin to When we talk about natural products, we tend to assume get it back into balance. they’re gentle – but is that really the case when it comes to skin care? Author and beauty journalist extraordinaire ‘I’ve given this Jo Fairley takes a look at the evidence tender loving potion I’m often asked, ‘Are natural cosmetics that you’ll react to. Second, lovers of to several touchy- best for sensitive skin?’ As 63 per cent naturals tend not to be ‘product junkies’: skinned friends and of us self-diagnose as having some our bathroom shelves are less cluttered they’re now converts.’ level of sensitivity, this is pretty relevant because our regimes are streamlined. to many beauty hounds. None of us want Chopping and changing products can skin that’s red and inﬂ amed. make skin rebel. My serious ‘sensitive’ My honest answer is: there are no phase was when, as a beauty editor, I guarantees. It’s not like nature doesn’t tried everything that crossed my desk. have some itch-making tricks up its I often meet women who use something sleeve. Nettles are natural. So is poison for a few weeks, before they’re o trying ivy (a scourge in the US; it can take the next ‘wonder cream’. Since cell months to recover from accidentally turnover takes at least 28 days (longer, brushing against a plant). I’ve one friend as we age), nothing gets a chance to so allergic to essential oils, she ended up make a di erence – but at the same in A&E with a face like a chipmunk. My time, the complexion gets stressed. The Beauty Bible co-author Sarah Stacey’s result? Breakouts, redness, sensitivity. SOOTHE eyes are sensitive to the herb eyebright, So, keep it simple as well as natural. Magnesium Oil which – the irony – makes hers red. Nobody needs an army of serums on the Original Flakes, For most of us, though, natural bathroom shelf. Touchy skin certainly £9.95. These really products seem to be fairly trouble-free doesn’t – nor does the planet. help eczema and psoriasis su erers – – and I’ve a couple of hunches why. First, the ‘front line’ of Trilogy Very ingredient lists for natural products are sensitive skins; Gentle Calming generally less complex, so there’s less throw generously Serum, £28.50 chance of there being something in it into the bath.

I’VE BEEN…SLOWING DOWN WITH PURE LIGHT BOTANICS’ RELAXING ENGLISH LAVENDER FLOWER CANDLE, £24 FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 132 132 SEE PAGE STOCKISTS, FOR SHUTTERSTOCK JO FAIRLEY, PHOTOGRAPHS:

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 103 THE BOOST } wellbeing notes

‘‘I love how the red tint of this soothing lip balm MOVE AND STRETCH is natural – it comes from Alkanet root, part of the borage family’’

Napiers Alkanet & Elderﬂ ower Lip Tint, £5

WINTER WARMERS MAKE Hey Jo Cassini leggings, £145. Made A SPLASH of high-grade Italian jersey, these will perform Rev up your morning with an whether you’re working out or going out. enlivening citrus shower gel such as Miller Harris Citron Citron Shower Wash, £20, packed with The ideal time for... lemon, orange and lime. Or Bliss Lemon & Sage Body Bar, £10, has a zesty scent, loofah pieces and massage nubs to really get re-energising your circulation going. Follow with a self-massage while your skin In Traditional Chinese is still damp using therapeutic oil: Medicine, it’s believed Tri Dosha Energise Body Oil, £23, winter is ruled by water – made of pick-me-up grapefruit oil which relates to the kidneys and spicy ginger. – and that our kidneys store all of our body’s energy (Qi). So, one way to shake o post-New Year sluggishness is to protect our kidney energy. Number one, keep warm. No bare lower backs, for example, when exercising: wear long, fi ne Serene and green: thermal tops tucked into leggings. Also, keep drinking water. I fi nd this tricky the beads of this when it’s cold, but have hot water rather bracelet are made than cold, and drink herbal teas (nettle is of Green Aventurine, purifying; try Heath & Heather Organic thought to bring Nettle Tea, £1.89). Instead of fruits and calm and balance salads, have warming soups like miso soup with seaweed; kidney bean-packed FIVE-A-DAY stews; eat seafood (scallops, oysters Extra running or power yoga classes and mussels); and add invigorating spices always make me hungry so I’ll supplement such as cinnamon, nutmeg and ginger my meals with organic, nutrient-packed to hot drinks or porridge. cold-pressed juices. I love that juice company Radiance Cleanse asked personal trainer Dalton Wong to come up From the Earth Collection with a specifi c collection of pre and at satyajewelry.co.uk, post-workout juices, from £54 Acting beauty and wellbeing director The Radiance Fitness Box, £90

I’VE BEEN… TRYING TO GO SUGAR-FREE WITH THE SUGAR DETOX BY BROOKE ALPERT AND PATRICIA FARRIS (BANTAM, £8.99) PHOTOGRAPH: SHUTTERSTOCK. SHUTTERSTOCK. PHOTOGRAPH: 132 SEE PAGE STOCKISTS, FOR

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www.floradix.co.uk NAT UR AL HEALTH CARE SINCE 1916 THE BOOST } wellbeing

THE BIG SLEEP We all know the beneﬁ ts of sleeping well, but new research shows just how good it is for our minds and bodies. So how do we access that elusive night of rest to wake revitalised? Sally Brown has some solutions

PHOTOGRAPH MANUEL PANDALIS/BLAUBLUT EDITION

here are few things that get out of brain cells. New research from the hours less than we did in 1960 – in a between me and my duvet – I University of Surrey found that a week recent survey, 48 per cent of us said we once turned down a chance of poor sleep a ects the activity of over need eight hours, but often only get six. to party with the Stereo- 700 genes, disrupting a number of met- ‘It’s surprising we are so bad at it,’ says Tphonics because it was past my bedtime. abolic processes, including the ability of Professor Colin Espie, director of the I need a full eight hours of sleep to func- cells to regenerate. It backs up previous University of Glasgow Sleep Centre. tion properly. After a poor night, string- ﬁ ndings that lack of sleep doubles your Part of the problem is we see it as a habit ing a coherent sentence together is an risk of depression, and puts you at higher rather than a life essential, he believes. achievement: I feel like my IQ drops by risk of cancer and heart disease. Not ‘Sleep is the reason we’re conscious; why 20 points and my memory deserts me. I getting enough sleep makes it harder to we’re able to perform and concentrate, walked around in a permanent fog when maintain weight, too – after just three but we’ve come to view it as an optional my children were young and waking at nights of two hours’ less sleep than nor- lifestyle choice, or even an annoyance,’ night. Now that they’re heading for their mal, the body pumps out 15 per cent he says. According to one survey, the teens, I’m often in bed before them. more ghrelin (the hormone that makes average bedtime has been pushed back you hungry), and 15 per cent less leptin from 10.30pm to midnight to allow more Skipping sleep (the ‘full-up’ hormone). Lack of sleep time for Facebook and emailing. A wealth of research is proving my natu- even a ects relationships. A study from I view an early night as an investment ral instinct to prioritise sleep is right. It the University of California in 2013 in my future health and have no qualms seems feeling tired is just the tip of the found couples show less empathy and about heading to bed at 9.30pm when- iceberg when it comes to the e ects of more negativity towards each other after ever I can. The rewards are instant – you poor sleep. The latest research shows just one poor night’s rest. feel better in so many ways the next day. skipping sleep can be toxic for the brain, And could there be a more enjoyable way as it’s during sleep that waste products – Sleepless nights to improve your physical and mental such as the protein that has been linked But the irony is that we’re sleeping less wellbeing than climbing into bed, under with Alzheimer’s disease – are ﬂ ushed than ever. On average, we sleep for two a duvet, and closing your eyes? >>>

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FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 107 >>> tired and tested: 7 sleep solutions Just going to bed early isn’t a guarantee of restful slumber. But there are numerous products, therapies and services designed to improve sleep quality – we put the latest to the test

THE PILLOW designed by sleep guru and osteopath THE MONITOR 1The theory: Most of us sleep on at Sammy Margo, by filling out a question- 2The theory: Jawbone UP is a least two pillows, but osteopath Kul- naire about your sleeping position, body slim bracelet that logs your movements winder Bajwa says raising the head too size and personal preferences (£14.99, during the day, and also during sleep. By high throws the spine out of alignment, thegoodsleepexpert.co.uk). ‘To avoid synchronising it with an app on your which leads to restlessness. ‘The right problems, good posture is as important phone, it produces a graph of phases of height of pillow depends on the distance in bed as it is during the day,’ says Margo. light and deep sleep through the night,

between shoulder and neck, which can Cost: From £14.99 tracking how long it took you to get to URE T IC

vary widely,’ he says. ‘The right pillow Sleep success rating: *** sleep, or how often you woke up. You P

means longer hours of deeper, more ‘I measured as ‘1’, the flattest pillow in can note your mood and energy levels, LAIN P N/

restorative sleep.’ Bajwa’s prescription the Goldilocks range. Sleeping on it felt so you get an overview of how you’re O pillow service, available at osteopathy very odd at first, especially as it’s made affected by your sleep habits. clinics across the UK, bases pillow size of fairly firm foam, and I sleep on soft Cost: £99.95 from jawbone.com or on your individual shoulder-to-neck feather pillows. But by the third night, Apple stores.

measurement (from £49.99, goldilocks I loved it. My husband said I’m far less Sleep success rating: **** ph: MARLIN KARLSS ra pillows.co.uk for clinics). Alternatively, restless and I seem to wake up feeling ‘An addictive bit of kit that taught me a

you can buy a bespoke pillow online, less achey.’ Sally Brown lot about my sleep habits, like how my photog

108 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 the boost } wellbeing

deep sleeping periods are drastically SleepPhones (£29, sleepphones.co.uk), and I wasn’t as tired as I expected to be reduced if I’ve had wine in the evening. headphones in a super soft headband. during the day.’ Sally Brown I’d known alcohol reduces sleep quality Sleep success rating: **** but seeing proof motivated me to cut it ‘I’m studying part-time for a Masters down to once or twice a week.’ Sally Brown and need to be up by 7am for work so I’m THE GURU always tired. But recently I went to the 6The theory: Many people are UK’s first Sleeping Gig, held by Direct shallow breathers, which means the THE THOUGHT Line. We lay on chaise longues in masks sympathetic nervous system is perma- 3PROCESS and blankets, listening to an orchestra nently activated, raising heart-rate and The theory: Sleep problems can be play soothing versions of Coldplay and blood pressure and making deep sleep caused by unhelpful beliefs about our Snow Patrol songs. I didn’t expect to, but hard, says Sleep Guru Anandi, who ability to sleep, says Professor Espie. I drifted off to sleep and felt fantastic overcame her insomnia using yogic Thinking of yourself as a poor sleeper when I woke up. I now use music to help breathing techniques, and runs Breathe sends unconscious messages to the me wind down for bed and I’m definitely Yourself To Sleep workshops in London. brain meaning you won’t sleep well. A getting more sleep.’ Isabel Friar Cost: £70. There is also a DVD, The new online course using CBT, Sleepio, Practice Of Sleep, which costs £14.95 can help replace unhelpful thinking, from thesleepguru.co.uk. like ‘I won’t cope at work if I don’t get to THE CLOCK Sleep success rating: **** sleep’ with more realistic ones, such as, 5The theory: We’re meant to go ‘Learning to breathe more slowly and ‘I’ve coped before when I’ve felt tired.’ to sleep when it’s dark and get up when deeply has been life-changing for me, as Cost: From £6.99 per week (from it’s light, so getting up in the dark can it stops my anxiety levels creeping up sleepio.com or boots.com). disrupt us. The Lumie BodyClock Go during the day. I used to lie awake for Sleep success rating: ***** alarm clock mimics dawn, waking ages with my mind racing. One of the ‘After having six children, I had trouble you with a gradually increasing light. techniques I learned was bumblebee getting to sleep and staying asleep. I’d be Waking like this kick-starts your body breathing – where you make a humming anxious about going to bed and was clock, so you not only have more energy sound on each outbreath. If I do 10 min- given sleeping pills eventually. But I by day, but should sleep deeper at night. utes of this before getting into bed, I fall never liked that idea. This programme Cost: £74.95 (from lumie.com). asleep straight away.’ Natasha Green has changed my mindset. I now have a Sleep success rating: *** set wind-down routine to follow, and ‘I used this to wake up at 3.30am to catch I no longer feel anxious about going to a flight. It felt a bit more like someone THE DARK bed. I know what to do to ensure I get a putting on a light than a “gradual awak- 7The theory: There is mounting good night.’ Sheila Fitzgerald ening”, but getting up did feel effortless evidence that we’re designed to sleep in the pitch dark, and even the glow from a clock can disrupt the release of mela- THE MUSIC tonin, the hormone that triggers the 4The theory: Drifting off to I thought I slept deepest sleep, and is also linked with relaxing music can improve sleep qual- in the dark but reduced rates of certain types of cancer. ity. ‘A carefully created playlist of relax- Cost: Free ing songs helps the body prepare for doing a check of Sleep success rating: ***** sleep by lowering blood pressure and the room, I realised ‘I thought I slept in the dark but doing a bringing us into a much more relaxed check of the bedroom, I realised there mental state,’ says Dr Tomas Chamorro- there was ambient was ambient light from a digital radio Premuzic, a psychologist from Univer- light from a digital and a charger. I was amazed at what a sity College London. He recommends difference switching them off made – long, repetitive songs with no lyrics radio and a charger. complete darkness seemed to create a and fewer than 80 beats per minute – I was amazed at the deeper sleep that left me feeling more so get out the old Ibiza chill-out albums. refreshed. It’s such a simple thing but it Cost: Free (if you use music you already difference switching made a really noticeable impact on the have). For maximum comfort, invest in them off made’’ quality of my sleep.’ Sally Brown

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 109 Dora says people see her home as ‘a blank canvas where there are few rules’ and the house has been used for events from art classes to a funeral

110 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 THE BOOST } my home “The walls have their own stories to tell” Artist Dora Dewsbery invites us into her eclectic seaside home in Sussex where both family and community come together to get creative

INTERVIEW: SAMANTHA WOOD PHOTOGRAPHY: ALUN CALLENDER

‘I use a lot of my sketches and artwork to promote the events that are held at The Beacon.’

‘On the odd days that I have to leave Nico at home she gets separation anxiety!’

NOT MANY 32-YEAR-OLDS would mansion that she left when she 19. ‘I and aunt Sarah is on the third. The relish the thought of leaving their feel such a connection with this place,’ second fl oor belongs to mum Judy, independent urban lifestyle behind she explains, showing us the warren of with Dora’s dad – who separated from and moving back into their familial rooms squirrelled over four fl oors. her mother a decade ago – renting home – complete with parents – with ‘I spent my formative years in this Dora’s childhood bedroom across the a view to it being for ever. Yet this house. I feel free here.’ hallway. Another room is earmarked was exactly the proposition that artist Today, the family set-up is still for Tim’s brother, due to move in soon, Dora Dewsbery didn’t have to think unconventional, as is every bit of this with the fi nal fl oor a patchwork of twice about. Deciding to leave London great space. Dora, her boyfriend Tim kitchens, a bar and other rooms stu ed last April, she returned to The Beacon and their one-year-old Schnoodle with elaborate, vibrant materials and in Hastings – the sprawling cli top puppy, Nico, live on the fourth fl oor, hired as studios by local artists. It’s a >>>

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 111 ‘This necklace was my grandmother’s – she died last year.It stays where I can see it, with a picture of my grandfather, who I never got to meet.’

LEFT: Dora painted this so you can put your picture of a cat when head in, like seaside she was three. ‘I have photo-boards. They a photo somewhere made the gilt frame of me holding it up together by spraying in assembly. You can pasta gold, and it was just about see the top stored in a kitchen of my head above it.’ cupboard for years. When they eventually ABOVE: Dora’s mum came to put it up, painted this picture a mouse had eaten years ago, and the his way around the Corgi heads pop out entire frame!

112 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 THE BOOST } my home

‘I used to bomb around London on this Chopper bike until recently with my friend Jess on her BMX.’

‘Mum bought this dog from a junk shop in town as she has a black lab called Bonnie.She walked home with Bonnie on a lead and the statue on a trolley – it looked pretty funny.’

>>> commune of highly creative people, were jelly-fi lled gloves on the washing of. In the early 1990s, not long after all drawn to walls that are hung with line and she’d rigged up a skeleton on the family moved in, a group of elderly artwork, dusted by dog tails and heavy a bicycle and one on a swing, rocking people arrived one day explaining that with stories. in the moonlight. The trail ended in they’d lived in the house as children, The family bought the house 21 one of the outhouses, which was decked asking if they could come in. ‘Mum spent years ago, having sold a two-bedroom out as a terrifying vampire’s den with the afternoon showing them around, maisonette on a London council estate bottles of blood everywhere. People letting them explore,’ Dora recalls. to move to the seaside town. Dora, came miles to be part of the evening. It was only when the group came to then aged 11, couldn’t believe her luck. It was quite something.’ leave that they noticed one of the ladies ‘The thing I remember most about And people are still coming miles was absent, coming downstairs some the place was the sheer size of it. My for the variety of art classes, pop-up 15 minutes later. brother and I were beside ourselves suppers, garden parties and events Dora continues: ‘She told us she’d with excitement. We basically had a that the house hosts and that Dora, spent a long time talking to the “grey- fl oor each.’ A magical Hallowe’en party when she isn’t creating her artwork, haired lady” living on the fourth fl oor is a stand-out memory – a framed pic- commits time to organising. ‘We have and how this lady was thrilled that our ture of them all dressed as The Addams had speakeasies, weddings and even a family had moved in and had brought Family still hangs in one of the down- funeral. The house is a blank canvas – so much joy to the house.’ Of course, stairs toilets. ‘My mum went to town it can be anything you want it to be.’ there was no such lady and she hasn’t creating a ghost walk all around the And it would appear that the walls appeared since. ‘But we were glad she house and grounds,’ she recalls. ‘There really do have stories they can speak approved of us being here,’ says Dora.

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 113 A battered old chair gets a touch of glam with a jacquard silk cushion. Pair with: The latest copy of Psychologies and something with bubbles

114114 PSYCHOLOGIES Psychologies magazine MAGAZINE december 2013 FEBRUARY 2014 the boost } living

Antiques, traditional panelling and retro details create a cosy scheme. Pair with: Dodie Smith’s I Capture The Castle and a snifter of vintage port

GIVE ME SHELTER It’s the coldest time of the year: time to hide away from it all in your favourite corner

edited by: LAUREN HADDEN PHOTOGRAPHY: POLLY WREFORD >>> et’s be honest, all we want to do sofa? Whatever your optimal nook, at the moment is hole up and there are easy ways make it even more L hibernate. A quick vox pop of welcoming. ‘Being comfortable at Psychologies’ friends and family home is key to feeling relaxed and found the favourite place to curl up is secure in general,’ explains Atlanta in our own bed with – and this is the Bartlett, author of Easy Elegance, crucial bit – freshly ironed sheets. (Ryland, Peters & Small, £19.99), who When you imagine your ‘cosy spot’, discovered some of the homes you what do you see? A roaring open ﬁ re? see here. ‘Introduce comfort through An easy chair by a bookshelf stacked texture for intimacy, via colour for with your favourite reading materials? warmth or simply surround yourself Or simply the comfort of a well-worn with your favourite objects.’ >>>

Opulence and comfort: these cushions are made from remnants of furnishing fabrics and are layered with plump eiderdowns and lengths of exotic sari silk. Pair with: Georgette Heyer’s The Black Moth and a cup of jasmine tea

116 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 the boost } living

Pale colours don’t have to be clinical. Layer different textures for warmth and depth. Pair with: Elizabeth Jane Howard’s Cazalet Chronicles series and a mug of cocoa with double cream

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 117 THE BOOST } living

Cove 1 stove, from £1,230, Charnwood

Job copper Clandestine table lamp, hare print, £28, £220, Heal’s Anthropologie

Little Gems posy vase, £20, John Lewis Permission to snuggle up Comfort. When it comes to interiors, it means a room that feels warm and welcoming: an armchair that gives you a hug, some favourite artwork on the wall and an open fi re or wood-burner. Dusky Evora orange cup, pinks, terracotta orange and warm £6, Habitat browns are all soothing colours that look Log basket, good in low light. Vases are fl ower-free at £39, Toast this time of year, but a coloured glass one is beautiful in its own right – set it on a mantelpiece to catch the light from the fi re. Got a pile of yet-to-be-read books waiting on a side table? Add an enticing Striped linen reading lamp and create a circle of quiet, cushion, £19.99, Zara Home focused light to draw you in. All that’s left is to put the kettle on…

Orchha blanket, £49, Urbanara

Easy Elegance is available Rubens wingback to Psychologies readers for armchair, £659, the special price of £10.99 Made.com including postage & packaging (rrp £14.99) by telephoning Macmillan Direct on 01256 302 699 and quoting the

reference GLR 9MU. 132 SEE PAGE STOCKISTS, FOR

118 118 PSYCHOLOGIES Psychologies magazine MAGAZINE december 2013 FEBRUARY 2014 yEar imagine comfort 80 S EST.1934

stressless.co.uk Download our catalogue & locate your nearest retailer. Porkth Cheekse boost in Cider } feasting with Black Pudding & Butter Beans

Cherry & Cinnamon Bundt Cakes

120 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 the boost } feasting RICH piCKINGS It might be winter, but there are still seasonal treats that will add depth and flavour to your meals

recipes: MARCUS VERBErNE PHOTOGRAPHY: LARA HOLMES

Cinnamon Ring Doughnut with Perry-Poached Pears >>>

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 121 the boost } feasting Beetroot and Orange Salad

122 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 the boost } feasting

>>> At this time of year, there’s nothing better than spending some time pottering in the kitchen preparing meals for friends or loved ones – something that Marcus Verberne, head chef at London’s Borough Market restaurant Roast, can attest to. ‘Being one of seven brothers and sisters, some of my fondest memories come from sitting round the table as a family enjoying our evening meal,’ he recalls. ‘For us, it was an important part of our day, when we were rapeseed oil and add the thyme. Season liberally with sea all together and could enjoy not just the food, but also salt and freshly milled black pepper. Lift the sides of the foil each other’s company.’ into the middle to create a trough and pour in about 80ml Winter foods tend to be rich and warming, but not of cold water. Seal the foil at the top to create a small parcel. all of it has to be heavy – now is the perfect time for ingredients such as blood oranges and ruby red beets. Step TWO Place the parcel into the middle of your oven And although the cinnamon doughnuts may require a and bake for 40 minutes, until the beetroot are cooked little technical skill, they’re perfect for sharing. through. Test one with a sharp knife. Allow the beetroot ‘In the hustle and bustle of daily life, make sure you to cool a little so they can be handled. Once cool, the skins find the time each day to enjoy good food with the ones will rub off easily in your hands. Make sure you peel the closest to you,’ says Verberne. red beetroot last or the dye on your hands will leave its We couldn’t agree more. distinctive mark on other varieties. Cut the beetroot into bite-sized wedges and place to one side.

Step THREE To segment the oranges, cut both ends off MIXED BEETROOT AND each orange using a small sharp knife. One at a time, sit BLOOD ORANGE SALAD each orange on its flat end and, in a curved motion, cut the skin off all the way down to the flesh, removing all WITH FORAGED HERBS AND the bitter white pith. Holding the now peeled orange RAGSTONE GOATS’ CHEESE in the palm of your hand, carefully cut out each segment, removing them one at a time and removing any pips. Ragstone cheese is a soft-to-firm goats’ milk cheese made with unpasturised goats’ milk and uses Step FOUR Serve the salad on a flat platter so all the traditional animal rennet. It has a sharp creamy vibrant colours can be seen. In a small bowl, dress the flavour with a slight citrus after-taste beetroot lightly with some of the blood orange dressing and SERVES 4 season. Lay out the beetroot first and add the goats’ cheese, ● 400g baby beetroot (red, ● Blood orange, honey and breaking it into bite-sized nuggets as you go. Scatter the golden and candy, if mustard dressing (see below) wild herbs over it and then the orange segments. Finally, available) ● 150g Ragstone goats’ drizzle a little more dressing over the salad and serve. ● 80ml extra virgin cheese at room temperature rapeseed oil ● Sea salt and freshly milled To make the blood orange, honey ● 5 sprigs thyme black pepper and mustard dressing ● Selection of picked and Step ONE Bring 500ml blood orange juice and 100ml red washed wild herbs, such as Good vegetarian alternatives: wine vinegar to the boil and reduce until you’re left with chervil, sorrel, wood sorrel ● Childwickbury or fresh about 150ml of liquid. ● 2 blood oranges goats’ curd Step TWO Remove from the heat and put in the fridge. Once cold, place in a large rounded bowl with 3 tbsp clear Step one Preheat the oven to 180°C/350°F/gas mark 4. honey and 3 tbsp wholegrain mustard. Remove the stems and leaves from the beetroot, saving any delicate new leaves for the salad. Wash the beetroot and Step THREE Slowly drizzle in 600ml rapeseed oil, place in the middle of a large sheet of foil. Drizzle over the whisking quickly to emulsify the dressing. >>>

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 123 the boost } feasting

>>> PORK CHEEKS CINNAMON RING IN CIDER WITH DOUGHNUTs BLACK PUDDING WITH PERRY- & Butter beans POACHED PEARs

Serves 6 ● 3 celery sticks, chopped MAKES 12 ● 1 tsp bicarbonate of soda ● 100g dried butter beans, ● 4 garlic cloves, chopped ● 75g unsalted butter ● ½ tsp salt soaked in water overnight ● 6 sprigs thyme ● 100g caster sugar, plus For the pears ● 18 pork cheeks, fat ● 2 bay leaves about 200g to coat the ● 500ml perry (pear cider) removed ● 1½ tbsp tomato purée doughnuts ● 100ml water ● 100g plain flour ● 750ml dry cider ● 1 tsp ground cinnamon ● 6 ripe Williams pears ● 3 tbsp vegetable oil ● 2 litres chicken stock ● 2 medium eggs ● 300g caster sugar ● 45g butter ● 750ml beef stock ● 100g soured cream FOR THE SAUCE ● 1½ onions, finely chopped ● 300g black pudding ● 1 tsp vanilla extract ● 150g dark cooking chocolate, ● 2 carrots, roughly chopped ● 3 tbsp chopped flat leaf ● 350g plain flour chopped into small pieces ● 1 leek, roughly chopped parsley ● 2½ tsp baking powder ● 150ml double cream

Step one Preheat the oven to 150°C/300°F/gas mark 2. Step one Pour the perry and water into a saucepan big Season pork cheeks with sea salt and black pepper and put enough to hold the 6 pears standing. Add the sugar, but don’t in a plastic bag. Add the flour to the bag and, holding it shut heat as poached pears should always start in cold syrup. Peel at the top, shake to coat them. Remove cheeks from the bag; them, leaving the stalk attached. Remove the core, leaving the save the flour for later. Heat a saucepan on a high heat. Add pears whole, and place in the saucepan. Add more water and vegetable oil and fry the floured pork cheeks in two batches, a little more sugar if not submerged. Place a disc of baking until all evenly browned. Transfer to a casserole. Reduce the parchment over, and gently simmer. The harder the pears, heat and add butter, onion, carrot, leek, celery, garlic, thyme the longer they will take to cook; 15-20 minutes should be and bay leaves. Cook for 4-5 minutes, stirring regularly, enough time. Check with a knife and allow to cool naturally until soft and slightly caramelised. in the poaching liquor. Reheat gently when ready to serve.

Step Two Stir in the reserved flour and tomato purée and Step TWO Preheat a deep fat fryer to 170°C. Mix about cook for another minute, stirring to avoid it sticking to the 200g of sugar in a dry bowl with the ground cinnamon. For pan. Stir in the cider a little at a time, then the stocks; bring the dough, whisk the sugar and eggs together in a bowl until to the boil. Pour the liquid and all the vegetables over the fluffy. Gently fold in soured cream and vanilla extract. Sift pork cheeks, cover with a lid or foil and cook in the oven for dry ingredients into the mixture and fold together to form 2 hours, until tender. While cheeks are braising, drain and a ball of soft dough. Knead on a lightly floured surface for rinse butter beans. Place in a saucepan and cover with cold, 6-8 minutes until you feel the dough become more elastic. lightly salted water. Bring to the boil, then simmer for 45 Roll out the dough on a lightly floured surface to about 1cm minutes or so, until soft, topping up with water to cover as thick. Use a 7cm round cutter to cut 12 circles. Use a 2cm required. Once cooked, drain and set aside. cutter for the holes. Test the mixture by putting one of the small circles in the fryer. If it cracks, knead the dough for a Step THREE Once the cheeks are tender, remove from the few minutes more. Deep fry the rings for 1½ to 2 minutes on oven, lift out of the casserole with a slotted spoon. Sieve each side. Use a slotted spoon, remove and drain on kitchen the sauce into a saucepan. Bring the sauce to the boil over paper. Toss in cinnamon sugar to coat, and serve hot. medium heat before reducing to a simmer. Skim with a ladle to remove any fat that may collect on the surface. Step three Place the chocolate in a heavy-based saucepan If it appears thin, reduce slightly until it has the desired with the cream. On a low heat, warm the cream until the consistency, then season and add the beans. chocolate starts to melt into it. Stir constantly until a smooth, rich sauce is achieved. Serve while still hot. Step four Break the black pudding into nuggets and add to the pan. Cook for 2-3 minutes. Add chopped parsley and Extract taken from ‘Roast: A Very British Cookbook’ by Marcus Verberne (Absolute Press, £25) serve with crusty sourdough and buttered winter greens.

124 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 THE BOOST } food news

“Let your food be your medicine, and your medicine be your food” Hippocrates

Try your hand at aromatic roasted red cherries from Sally Bee’s new book

FIND THE FUN It’s still dark outside, so brighten up your kitchen with these great Red Candy vintage scales, £27. Meanwhile, the Alice In Wonderland-inspired Drink Me bottles, £12.99, from the British Library shop, hold only 125ml of sparkling wine so you can indulge in your favourite tipple in moderation. And a selection box with a di erence – Bellucci’s Bella Box Grande, £34, is This month we’re inspired by ﬁ lled to the brim with Italian gianduja, nougat and cremini chocolates. You can prolong the pleasure by having one a day with your co ee. reinvention The food writer Sally Bee knows a thing or two about starting over. At the age of 36 and otherwise healthy, she su ered three heart attacks in one week due to a rare, undiagnosed condition. She wasn’t expected to survive. However, Sally overcame the shock and the subsequent depression, launching herself into recovery, helping herself to heal by eating nourishing meals, and writing some fantastic healthy recipe books along the way. We love her aromatic roasted red cherries recipe from her latest, The Secret Ingredient Family Cookbook (Harper Collins, £14.99). She’s a great reminder of just Add something special to your coffee- how empowering it is to take charge of CURRY IN A HURRY making ritual with beans from Alma your health, and why wholesome food is Sometimes, cheating is the best way forward the bedrock of good living. – especially when the cheat involves these de Cuba, £20 for 250g. They’ve clever curry kits from The Spice Tailor, at been making coffee since the 1940s £2.89 each. Created by food writer and TV chef Anjum Anand, the packet of individual but it wasn’t readily available in spices gives a real depth to the ﬂ avour that means you could pretend you’d cooked it the UK until now. We think it Contributing food editor was worth the wait. from scratch yourself. We won’t tell.

EVER EATEN SOBA NOODLE SUSHI? TRY CLEARSPRING’S FOOLPROOF RECIPE, AVAILABLE AT CLEARSPRING.CO.UK/BLOGS FOR STOCKISTS, SEE PAGE 132 SEE PAGE STOCKISTS, FOR

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 125 THE BOOST } travel

UNDER THE SEA Wary of the water, Lorna V usually keeps her feet firmly on the beach. So how would she manage a diving trip in the Maldives?

126 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 an you cry underwater? Because I’m pretty through shades from blue to turquoise with marine life sure I did. A turtle the size of my torso swam spanning all the colours of a rainbow. It was a bit like up to me, almost touching me as it passed by. swimming in an aquarium with no sides. Then slowly it paused, and cocked its big eye Was this really me? Me, pointing out the shark to the towards me, looking me right in my goggle- others? I went to Baros a beach-brat, and surfaced from coveredC eyes for a long, long moment before carrying on. the endangered coral kingdom a changed woman. All my I knew that there were seven turtles at Baros, one of life I’d loved the sea and beaches, only now, thanks to the around 100 or so luxury resorts in the dream Indian Ocean encouragement of the Baros Dive Centre, something else destination that is the Maldives. Baros, in the west, is one of had happened. I felt a divine connection with the cosmos. the few island resorts with its own coral reef, an under- Decades of meditation and mumbo-jumbo and I’d never felt ground rainforest that starts barely a metre from its shores. that. I knew I wasn’t one for ‘activities’ ever since I fell off I really wasn’t expecting to see a turtle. Not actually being my first bike around the age of five. Everything that followed a diver, I wasn’t expecting to see anything much. I never confirmed this: last in the school races, failing to learn to imagined I’d be capable of going on a snorkelling tour, and swim at school, never picked for the rounders’ team, or any there I was squealing with joy behind my mask as we swam team, and ridiculed as a teenager by a bully PE teacher for >>>

FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 127 >>> being last and useless. I did eventually learn to swim thanks to my patient dad. As an adult, I was great on beach holidays involving watersports – at guarding everyone’s valuables. When I tried snow instead, fellow skiers weren’t impressed that I couldn’t even walk in my boots, thus holding them up from precious skiing time. The instructor gave up on me. So, a trip to the Maldives diving and snorkelling? I don’t think so. Past tense: didn’t think so. I looked at the Baros website shaking my head, thinking no-no-no, it might be a dream trip for someone else but what ‘Not being a diver, I hadn’t been expecting to with it being a popular honeymoon destination, I don’t want see much, let alone one of around seven turtles to be reminded that marriage is a box I’ve never ticked either. in the waters around Baros, but I did!’ Then I took a deep breath. Changed ‘no’ to ‘yes’. Felt euphoric. Life’s too short to do what you don’t want to do. But how do you know if you don’t try? I was curious, having met many divers and snorkellers who were so passionate it was as though they belonged to a cult. What made their eyes light up? I knew from them the Maldives is the aquatic Holy Grail. So my goal was to give the diving and the snorkelling a go, rather than cast myself as the non-adventurous type. Like yoga underwater It takes about 20 minutes to walk around Baros, a clever eco-resort that resists crude bling. Once you’re through the coconut palm trees on to ivory coral sand leading to a luminous blue lagoon, it’s hard not to feel a calling. And from spotting the sudden ripples of tuna bobbing up and down when you’re ‘You don’t go to the Maldives with maps on a sunrise boat trip, to catching sight of black-tipped sharks and lists, you go for the complete beauty’ (which don’t attack humans) swimming up to shallow waters just below the resort’s fl agship restaurant, the Lighthouse, you realise marine life isn’t just everywhere: it is it. telling someone nervous to relax makes them feel worse, The Maldives is a cluster of islands known as atolls, which and I practise yoga regularly. I also do Pilates, so he told me are the result of coral secretions that have taken place over to breathe the Pilates way: out through the mouth, and in 45 million years. I felt ignorant for not realising until now the through the mouth, too. OK, I could do that. that coral is a living thing and that stepping on it, touching it, Once I got the wetsuit on I was excited but the weights kills it. So I stayed carefully on sand and peered through the around my waist felt strange. In the water I struggled to get water from above at shapes and forms moving underneath. the fl ippers on. Everything felt unfamiliar. Seeing the coral Fear of going underwater is tied up with issues that can and fi sh helped distract me but I didn’t like the sensation of have nothing to do with water. When you fi ll in the medical the breathing apparatus in my mouth. I felt safe with Ronny form for diving it’s obvious it isn’t for everyone. Aside from right by my side, though, and managed to swim 10 metres a long list of medical conditions, diving is not for those who with the diving gear. That was my limit. faint, have claustrophobia issues, or are prone to panic Hannah, a seasoned diver, congratulated me later, which attacks (all of which I’d experienced at one time or another). meant a lot. She told me I was lucky to have my fi rst experience This actually made me feel better. ‘I don’t have to give myself at Baros. Many resorts have induction courses at the hotel a hard time,’ I thought. I realised that sometimes our fear is, pool, sometimes in full view of other non-diving guests. I’d in fact, a gut feeling for taking care of ourselves. But if I could have been too self-conscious. Typically, a group will then be do a little, if I could make a start, I’d be happy. ‘I’m ready for taken out by boat to dive shortly afterwards. I’d have bottled this now,’ I said to myself. out. The limit at Baros is four people rather than the more Ronny, who heads the Eco Diving Centre at Baros, told usual eight and a big group wouldn’t have suited me at all. me to see this as yoga underwater, which was smart, as The two divers with me, Hannah and Catherine, were both

128 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE FEBRUARY 2014 the boost } travel

Spend a night Arctic glamping

Lorna triumphant, having taken to the waters around Baros

rooting for me and I realised the obvious: if you’re nervous you need supportive people around you, not impatient alpha Was this really me? Me, adventurers. For the next few days they encouraged me to pointing out the shark to the practise snorkelling so I could do the big educational tour. others? I went to Baros a beach- Fantasy setting brat, and surfaced from the coral Just minutes from my villa I could slip underwater for kingdom a changed woman” instant wild sea life, getting the hang of coordinating flippers and breathing with a mask. Thanks to Ronny I kept thinking: it’s just yoga, it’s just breathing – I can do this. ad only it lasts for a week or more. The unreality is the point The morning before our marine biology lecture and the of the trip. And from this unreality, the fantasy me slipped

v educational tour, Hannah and Catherine went diving. I had into her flippers to enter a marine reality. It really was me a n r a choice to go and see the Maldivian capital Malé, then in full who returned two hours later having followed other snorkellers s, lo s, e pre-election fever, or to idle away the morning around my around the lagoon. There was no question as to whether I’d ldvi

a idyllic personal beach spot. But you don’t go to a place like last the tour that afternoon though I still had to come up to

os m os Baros for street life and to check out sights. You don’t go with take a proper breath, and consider if I was up to going past

bar maps, lists and must-see venues. You go to experience total that wall into the open ocean. But I did it, entering a state

phs: beauty and to play and be looked after. You don’t even have to of ecstasy looking down onto steep mountain-like coral. ra worry about nabbing a sun lounger because you have so much On our last day, I found out the marine team had identified

photog space of your own. It’s your moment of being in a Bounty bar ‘our’ turtle. It was Pana, whose name means ‘hope’.

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FEBRUARY 2014 PSYCHOLOGIES MAGAZINE 135 PSYCHOLOGIES classified directory Health, Personal Development and Art Therapy

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TO ADVERTISE HERE PLEASE CALL ANNE ON 01959 543 716 OR EMAIL: [email protected] SALLY BR AMPTON

Enough of the musts, oughts and shoulds

ANY RESOLUTIONS this year? I have none, which end of comfort, the end of pleasure, the end of I suppose is a resolution in itself, but I don’t make freedom. It’s a hell of a dreary way to start a new them because I fi nd loud, emphatic imperatives year. My line tends to be, ‘Thank God that’s over, so punishing. We have quite enough nagging inner let’s get on with the next, which, of course, will be critics in our heads without adding to the noise. FABULOUS.’ Delusional, perhaps, but at least Here’s the classic: the D-word. I must lose weight. optimistic. No ‘should’ or ‘musts’ there. Not unless Really? Who says? Oh, it was me. And the inner I’m having a tetchy conversation with the gods, critic, of course. So there’s the fi rst imperative; must. who have failed to live up to their promises – which, A short, but brutal word, which is useful for doing naturally, are all in my head. the shopping, because it adds a frisson of urgency to An infi nitely better option is to say, ‘I want to lose fi x when the milk reaches perilously low levels in the weight,’ because action tends to follow desire and is fridge. So I must remember to buy milk on the way infi nitely less punishing. We may veer o the road, home, but ‘I must lose weight’? Not unless you want but we’re more likely to get back on track if there’s a guilt gremlin setting up home with the spiteful no bony fi nger wagging at us, saying we’re useless, inner critic. Then we have the haunting spectre of in which case we are likely to hide under the duvet. low self-worth and the ghastly shadow of shame. It So what if we make a mistake? It’s not a punishable gets awfully crowded up there. o ence, unless we make it one. The universe does Then there is ‘ought’, as in ‘I really ought to’, not revolve around a slice of lemon drizzle cake, followed smartly by ‘should’. At this point, we are however important we think it is – or we are. about two weeks into the diet, or giving up alcohol Let’s face it, we are specks. Tiny, little, demented or going to the gym, or whatever. All those bright specks, hopping around our neuroses like fl eas. The new thoughts have turned to leaden gloom. That’s only thing bigger than ourselves is the inner critic when the inner critic revs up a decibel or fi ve. You (‘hello, again!’) who inhabits a world made huge by can’t even manage a fortnight? Man, you’re a loser. all the surplus energy with which we feed it. Ignore The end of the month dawns, on a grey and dreary it and it grows feeble through inattention. day. FAIL. Back to the bottom of the class. So here’s a decision – by which I empathetically Do we feel better for our forays into resolution? do not mean a resolution. I’m not going to listen We do not. At least, I don’t. By February (the cruellest to my inner critic. No, siree. You don’t get airtime. month, to my mind), I am under the duvet, That’s reserved for all my hopes and Sally Brampton is mainlining chocolate intravenously. a journalist, agony dreams. Sure, I want to be thinner, but Even the word, resolution, is a disaster. aunt and author. guess what? The only one who cares Follow her on Twitter

In another sense, it means the end. The @SallyBrampton about that is you, inner critic. LEWIS JENNY PHOTOGRAPH:

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