YONOSON ROSENBLUM YAAKOV BARR TEN QUESTIONS LIFELINES Your opinions don’t count To really get the most from life, His wheels go round the town, Could my daughter’s cancer just because you’re Jewish be sure to put your mind to it but he’s no used-car salesman eradicate my need for control?

JEWISH FAMILY WEEKLY

EAST OF THE BORDER A start-up shul pushes the housing envelope in LA JEWS NEED NOT APPLY There’s nothing as heimish GRAND PLANS as a devoted In Vizhnitz’s new blueprints, Shabbos goy historic dreams and futuristic scenes The fi xmarriage e r Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafi er helps shaky couples fi nd peace

ISSUE 484 I 10 KISLEV 5774 I NOVEMBER 13, 2013 PRICE: NY/NJ $4.99 OUT OF NY/NJ $5.99 CANADA CAD $6.00 NIS 15.00 UK £3.99 BELGIUM €5.50

Untitled-2 1 10/11/2013 21:35:11 The before & after of

While the journey to the chuppah is often fraught with questions, conflict, and doubt, it seems that the real issues begin on the walk back down the aisle. Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier, known for the advice, wisdom, and wit he Great shares on his popular site, TheShmuz, examines some of the most common bumps in the road, for both dating and married couples

by Riva Pomerantz marriages photos Meir Haltovsky

44 MISHPACHA 10 Kislev 5774 | November 13, 2013 MISHPACHA 45 The Before and After of Great Marriages

Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier was a “mild- mannered, innocent high school rebbi” when his rosh yeshivah, Rav Henoch Leibowitz ztz”l, tapped him to start an outreach program for working guys. Almost overnight, “The Shmuz” was born — a series of lectures on a wide variety of topics in Yiddishkeit, presented with trademark humor, wit, and wisdom, and it quickly took off, reaching a depth and scope that left its creator stunned. But as his base of listeners grew, the questions they asked started getting thornier and more complex, revolving around shidduchim, marriage, and shalom bayis, and it didn’t take very long for Rabbi Shafier to realize that the nice and easy newlywed challenges were a thing of the past. His straight-shooter style and practical advice Now things were more complicated than ever, and the picture was looking precarious. have been instrumental in helping save countless “I realized that had there been some groundwork set at the beginning, in the early stages of marriages, but Rabbi Shafier cites two particular marriage and dating, then a lot of pitfalls would have been avoided later on,” says Rabbi Shafier. He examples of recent success stories that are just reveals that the burgeoning divorce rate among frum couples was the impetus for his newest free the tip of the iceberg in the amount of work that lecture series, “The Marriage Seminar,” which includes 12 hour-long sessions on such germane begs to be done. topics as gender differences, the Torah view of love, changing habits, and why couples fight. “I have a close talmid who I can call on, day or From his vast experience counseling couples during both engagement and marriage, Rabbi night, and he’ll be available for me at the drop of a hat. Shafier has a unique vantage point on relationships today and the forces that dissolve them. Except for Tuesday nights. Because Tuesday nights, “We’re seeing significantly more divorces today than in previous years, and I attribute it to three he’s on a date with his wife and there’s nothing in reasons. Firstly, people are more fragile today; they lack a certain ‘wholesomeness,’ a sense of being the world that comes before that commitment,” comfortable with who they are and where they fit in the world. There are also many psychological Rabbi Shafier notes, with a proud smile. “Another issues that people struggle with today. Generally speaking, when these factors are brought into time, a newly married guy called up and he was a marriage, they get magnified. A healthy relationship requires a solid, healthy human being very distraught. What should he do? His wife wears because it requires a lot of give-and-take, flexibility, and reasonable expectations. If you yourself skirts that barely cover her knees. What should he are fighting demons — emotionally, psychologically, or socially — then there’s very little bandwidth tell her? I said, ‘She went to 12 years of Bais Yaakov left over to let another person in and to give to that person.” where all they did was talk about skirt length. You He cites the “age of consumerism” as the second biggest factor in many divorces today, the think she doesn’t know what’s tzniyus and what’s premise of which is that there’s always a better, newer model out there. “Marriage is a disposable not? If you say something, she’ll feel awful and commodity in today’s culture, where we’re all about chewing things up and spitting them out. you’ll damage your relationship with her. Instead, Twenty years ago, the question was, ‘Can this marriage be saved?’ Today, the question is, ‘Should say not a word and just work on your marriage. As the marriage be saved?’ I spent two and a half hours with a woman trying to convince her that her a result, she’ll become secure and confident, she’ll marriage could not only be saved, but she could be happily married. And she got back to me and feel strong enough to resist societal pressure, and said, ‘Nope. I want out! It’s not worth it.’ That was the first time in recent history that I actually the skirts will get longer.’ broke down crying. What a tragedy.” “This is a real success story because undoubtedly, The third and perhaps the most familiar issue Rabbi Shafier identifies is one that may make this couple’s marriage will be dramatically different, us squirm a bit uncomfortably — if we can stop texting long enough to pay attention. “Ten years just from having the right perspective from the ago, I called us the ‘busy generation.’ Now that label is so outdated that at best I could call us the beginning.” ‘indescribably distracted generation.’ What happens in a marriage is that by the time the kids are school age, the couple spends no time together at all. Take this challenge: Log how much time you spend as a couple, enjoying each other’s company — without your BlackBerry. “A marriage, by definition, is a relationship that’s built on love and affection and a common identity. If you don’t work on the marriage, the bond starts to weaken and the couple drifts apart.” He says the couples who begin bickering as their connections wane are actually in a better position than the couples who simply become married strangers, because at least the former have a wake-up call that may spur them to action. “I just had a couple here, married 30-something years, and they want a divorce because they have no emotional connection. They literally share a house, bills, and kids, and nothing else. That’s what happens when you spend zero special time together.”

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CASE 1 >> there is an aspect of her personality that he you. Hashem directed you to this person and doesn’t appreciate. The basic premise is that He designated specific challenges for the two Combat Zone? Hashem knows what he needs to be happy in of you. The “right one” may not look like your life and both Dovid and Batya, like every other perfect vision, and there will be adjustments couple, will need to work on certain things in that both of you will have to make. Every Dovid and Batya are hitting it off and theshidduch is serious, but There are two components to this To- their marriage until 120. marriage has challenges. There is no such Dovid senses something subtly wrong. During their fourth date, he rah-true method: the Paper Test and the Bash- If this perspective is important in dating, thing as a “perfect couple.” And if you a find a gives over a vort with passion and pride. When he glances up at Batya ert Test. The Paper Test involves looking at the it is absolutely vital in marriage. I can’t tell couple who say, “We never had any issues” — for approval, she smugly replies, “Really? My rav in seminary said proposed match on paper to see if it looks like you how many times I’ve heard a husband or you have to question whether they are being exactly the opposite.” Finally, Dovid pinpoints what’s bothering him as a potential marriage partner — that there is wife say anxiously, “How do I know? Maybe honest with you. Part and parcel of a good he wonders: Is she overly combative? Will I be able to set the tone for enough similarity between the boy and the girl I married the wrong one!” And there is only marriage is growth and change. Recognizing halachah in the home or will everything I say be challenged? to give it a reasonable try. If a shidduch passes one answer: If you did a normal hishtadlus, in- that Hashem knows what’s best for you, and the Paper Test, then the boy and girl go out. cluding the Paper and the Bashert tests, then has brought you to the right person, is essen- Next comes the Bashert Test. Both parties you have every right to assume that the person tial to then go through the difficult growth Before I answer, let’s put this into perspective. If need to ask themselves a very essential ques- you married is the one Hashem intended for process that a successful marriage requires. this is the first time Dovid has seen this type of tion: Do I instinctively feel that this is the right response, it should be clear that he can’t draw person for me? any conclusions yet. To take one incident and Many times, I heard my rebbi, Rav Alter create an entire “personality portrait” from Henoch Leibowitz ztz”l, say that Hashem it wouldn’t be wise. But let’s assume that this has given each person a “supercomputer” — wasn’t the first time Dovid feels that Batya your seichel, your intuitive wisdom that can was combative. Let’s say he’s seen this type be trusted to judge if this is the right one for CASE 2 >> Picture Perfect of reaction quite a number of times and he you. You tap into that by asking yourself, Do I feels that it actually represents who she really feel comfortable with her? Do I enjoy the dates? is. In that case the real question Dovid has to Do I look forward to seeing her again? If this is Shimon likes Chaya and after three dates, he would consider marrying her, but ask himself is this: What criteria will I use to not the right shidduch, you’re not going to enjoy there is something about her appearance that isn’t that perfect look, and this is determine who I’m marrying? this particular person’s company. If, however, holding him back. Should Shimon continue with the shidduch? Unfortunately, most people use the “shop- you went out a number of times and you are ping list” approach. They think through var- enjoying the dates, and you feel warmer feel- Being physically attracted to one’s spouse is important, so if Shimon likes Chaya but isn’t at- ious attributes and traits and come up with a ings each time you go out, that’s the sign that tracted to her, it might well be a sign she isn’t the right one for him. But here is where things list of what they “need” to be happily married: this is the one Hashem has chosen for you. get complicated. Many times, what holds a person back isn’t the intuitive sense that “she’s “This is what I would like, this I can take or Even so, it might well be that the girl or boy not for me,” but his preconceived notion of what he thinks he needs or wants. The way to leave. But this, under no circumstances, am has qualities that you wouldn’t have chosen, tell is to ask himself: What’s holding me back here? If, after honest introspection, Shimon I willing to accept.” I call this the “Mr. Potato had you been given the task of making your determines that he’s secretly hoping to marry a girl whose looks will earn the admiration Head Method,” where a person isn’t looking bashert. But you aren’t — that’s Hashem’s job. of his friends and family, then he has to work through this realization and see where he for what Hashem has designated, but rather And part of bitachon is trusting that Hashem truly wants to be in his dating hashkafos. Is he going to force his will on the Ribono shel has a clearly defined list of what he thinks knows better than you what is for your best. Olam? Or will he take a step back and admit that ultimately it isn’t his decision whom he needs, and he looks for the person who In Dovid and Batya’s case, the Paper Test to marry, but rather, Hashem chose a woman for him, and all he needs to do is find her? comes closest. has presumably checked out, which is why Chazal tell us that a bas kol goes out 40 days before a person is conceived, saying, “ploni If Dovid is using the Mr. Potato Head Meth- they agreed to date in the first place. Now they l’plonis” — this boy is designated for that girl. Many people in shidduchim express their od, he might well decide Batya isn’t what are at the Bashert Test. When he hits this snag sincere wish to hear what that bas kol said. Rav Wolbe ztz”l writes that today, the bas he’s looking for. After all, who wants a involving Batya’s outspokenness, Dovid can kol is actually the feeling of comfort and “rightness” that two people get when they date woman who is domineering? ask himself the essential questions: Do I enjoy each other. If, however, Dovid is dating from Batya’s company? Do I like her? If the answer is, In a case where Shimon is perfectly comfortable with Chaya but he is worried about a Torah and bitachon perspective, No, I’m not comfortable with her, then it’s clear what his friends and family will say about her appearance, he has to acknowledge a basic then his only criterion will be to that she is not the right one for him. truth: If he does not marry Chaya and instead pursues a girl who fits his “dream wife” find the girl Hashem has designated If, however, Dovid’s answer is, Yes, I’m com- profile, then ultimately, he may not end up being happy. as his bashert. In this approach the per- fortable with Batya. I enjoy her company, it just In a situation like Shimon’s, if he discovers that Chaya is the right one for him, he can son is looking to findhis bashert, not make feels right, then essentially he has his answer either accept Hashem’s vision of his future, or he can try to concoct his own. The prob- his bashert. — she is the right one for him, even though lem is that it’s highly unlikely that any human being can choose better than his Creator.

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One day a few months after getting married, Gila is blissfully doing a load of laundry when she suddenly discovers … a pack of cigarettes in her new CASE 3 >> husband’s shirt. Gila has always had strong feelings against smoking, ingrained CASE 4 >> in her since she was a young girl. Now she is appalled. How can I tolerate — What a Surprise never mind respect — Shloimy now that I know he smokes?!

The first reality that a couple must come to unable or unwilling to change, that major problem — this one belongs to Gila alone. No Comparison terms with is that in any marriage, issues shalom bayis problems often develop. It’s Any time a spouse says, “How can I re- will arise. The success or failure of their clear that the behavior isn’t going to stop spect him if he does such-and-such?” it Sarah really admired and liked marriage is often based on how they deal and the other spouse is forced to make a means that she has the problem of dis- Chaim, but after two dates, with them. decision: Do I want to be happy, or do I want tilling the totality of Shloimy’s essence to Chaim’s mother nixed the In this situation there are two distinct to be miserable? If she wants to be happy, a tiny flaw. He is probably aben Torah, a shidduch. A few months later, issues: the smoking, and the lack of respect. she will need to accept him, nicotine and fine husband, a good person — and he has Sarah met Boruch, but there was Let’s deal with the smoking itself first. all. Yes, he really should quit, but chances a problem. When we look at a diamond that Actually, this theme tends to come up in various is exquisite. The workmanship is outstand- Shloimy is going to have to deal with Gila’s are he won’t, and what does that mean for has a tiny imperfection, we don’t call the ways throughout our lives — most of us con- one thing standing in the way ing. And the best part — it’s on clearance. outrage, and Gila will have to deal with them as a couple for the next 60, 70 years? diamond “a flaw” — it’s still a diamond. If stantly compare ourselves to others. “If only of the relationship — she found Fifty percent off. Wow!” Shloimy’s addiction to cigarettes. To help her make the right decision, Gila Gila no longer respects her husband, then I could be like her or have a job like him.” So herself constantly comparing There’s only one problem — the shoes are Change is very difficult under the best of can remind herself that Shloimy probably she’s reduced him to a cigarette! To break when Sarah asks herself if she could have done Boruch to Chaim. Sarah’s mentor two sizes too small. “But look, I can’t just circumstances, and in the scenario above, also has issues with some of her behaviors out of this dangerous tunnel vision, Gila better, what’s the answer? There are really two told her that the comparison leave them — they’re so cute.” So you buy the situation becomes more dicey because — no one is perfect, and it is still okay to re- can realize that if anyone were to judge her answers: The first is that everyone is on best would naturally fade as she them, take them home, and wear them to Gila came into the marriage thinking spect and love someone who is flawed. This by her weaknesses, it would be unfair and behavior during a date, and you hardly get to grew to appreciate and focus the wedding. After the wedding (and two Shloimy was not a smoker. Shloimy needs will enable her to empathize with Shloimy unflattering. Developing a broader, more meet the real person, even after ten or twen- on Boruch, and the two soon hours of dancing) you come home, take them to understand where Gila is coming from instead of resent him for his fault. She can mature outlook on people is going to be Gi- ty dates. So Sarah is basing her assessment of became engaged. But now, a off, and your feet are killing you! Because and do everything in his power to try to reframe her thoughts: It’s so hard to change, la’s avodah if she is to nurture and develop Chaim on the beautiful image he portrayed on few months into her marriage, the leather can be great, the workmanship quit smoking. Shloimy is not allowed to be especially with a substance as addictive as a healthy, happy marriage. their dates together. She has no way of knowing Sarah still finds herself comparing fantastic, but if the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s go- dismissive of Gila’s concerns, or turn the nicotine. Wow! I can only imagine what a Now, in case Shloimy’s approach is I have what it would be like to live with Chaim — she is Boruch to her perception of ing to hurt. problem onto her, as in, “What’s the matter challenge this must be for him. every right to smoke and no one can tell me to just conjecturing that he would be the perfect This is analogous to marriage. Before you with you? What’s the big deal?” But even after they solve the smok- stop, here too it really depends on their at- mate, compared to Boruch, with all his faults. Chaim — especially when were born, Hashem chose the perfect coun- For her part, Gila has to understand that ing, there is still the issue of respect. In- titude. Studies show that 70 percent of suc- But in reality the question is based on a mis- Boruch’s middos or behavior terpart for you — with his strengths balancing smoking is a major problem for Shloimy and terestingly, though, this isn’t Shloimy’s cessful marriages have major irreconcilable taken premise. Sarah assumes that because (at come up short. How does she against your weaknesses, and your strengths the fact that he continues to smoke does not differences. If he has a thriving business least in her mind) Chaim has beautiful middos, fight the feeling that she “could balancing against his. mean that he doesn’t love and respect her. When we look at a in , and for medical reasons she would be happier had she married him. And have done better”? A marriage is a complex weave of needs, Perhaps Gila can picture being asked to stop she needs to live in San Diego, there’s no that is a fundamental error. I think it would emotions, and temperaments. Some personal- speaking lashon hara. Can she do it? Maybe diamond that has middle-ground. If she wants to send the be easier for me to explain this with a mashal. ities mesh, some class. To find the right match for an hour, but for a whole day? And this is a tiny imperfection, children to a chassidishe cheder and he only Imagine you have a wedding coming up. It’s of two individuals who come from different a halachic requirement that encompasses wants his kids in litvishe yeshivos, you can’t a big affair, and you want to look your best. You homes, and have vastly different natures and approximately 35 aveiros with each forbid- we don’t call the send the kids to school with peyos behind go shopping and find the perfect outfit. It’s -af dispositions, requires the wisdom of — well, den word uttered! Gila can focus on realiz- diamond “a flaw” — one ear. There is no compromise position. fordable, it looks great — it’s even tzniyusdig. the wisdom of our Creator. And that’s the ing how difficult change is, even when one Nevertheless, these differences don’t de- You buy it. There’s only one thing missing, the point. Hashem chose the right one for you. knows that a behavior is assur, dangerous to it’s still a diamond stroy a marriage, as long as the two partners right pair of shoes. You start looking, but you You fit together hand-in-glove. And while he oneself, and harmful to others. She would come to an understanding that by defini- just can’t find the right pair. You start to get may not be the best bochur in Lakewood — he do well to acknowledge that change is slow tion, two different people will have differ- desperate. Finally, the day before the wedding is the best one for you. Could you have done and difficult and she needs to learn how to ences of opinions and irreconcilable differ- you stop into Macy’s, and in the clearance sec- better? Maybe — but better doesn’t mean a live with Shloimy’s smoking habit until he ences are an inescapable part of marriage. tion you see the most gorgeous pair of shoes. better marriage, and better doesn’t mean breaks it. If he doesn’t succeed, then it’s The couple that accepts and understands “Oh, my goodness, they’re perfect. The leather that you would be happy together. something that both he and Gila will have this from the start won’t find themselves to deal with in a mature, rational manner. shocked and overwhelmed when these in- And it is at this point, when one spouse is evitable differences rear their head.

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CHANGING YOUR LIFE

Every wedding begins with the signing of the tena’im, and then and wife and analyze how many aveiros occur in that short space: the kesubah. There is, however, one more document that has not ona’as devarim, lashon hara, not to mention throwing the Shechi- yet been instituted — a shtar hachlafah, a “document of change.” nah out of the home — and that’s just during a small tiff. A couple In Rabbi Shafier’s view, it would go a long way toward helping has a chiyuv to work on their marriage, even if they are excessively marriages succeed. busy. There is no substitute. CASE 5 >> But I want to make one thing clear: When a couple spends time Adina holds a part-time job while finishing her degree I, the undersigned, do hereby proclaim the following: together it means that the couple preferably goes out, alone, with in the evenings, in addition to caring for one-year- 1. I recognize that the basis for a successful marriage is my abil- no agenda. No discussions about the kids, or finances, or in-law old Chezky. Her husband Shimmy is learning in two ity to change. problems. They just go out to have a good time and enjoy each oth- Getting the Spark Back er’s company, recapturing that feeling of when they were chassan kollelim and also tutors in the evenings, often coming 2. I acknowledge that my spouse will be different from me in temper- home after 10 p.m. One day Adina comments, a bit ament, inclinations, attitudes, desires, backgrounds, and interests. and kallah. ruefully, “We’re like passing ships in the night — a 3. I accept that for any partnership to exist there must be compro- In shanah rishonah, there’s lot of talking and connection-build- mise, and that I must be willing to change in many areas. ing, but it shouldn’t stop afterwards. Marriage is about constant far cry from dating and shanah rishonah. And what By signing, I hereby acknowledge that I am ready, willing, and able work, and a huge part of it is working on the attachment and the happens when our family grows?” Shimmy agrees to change, grow, and compromise in all areas. bond between the couple. This is, in fact, the easiest fix for so many that they’ve lost a certain spark. With their busy lives, marriages. I have personally seen marriages turn around completely is it even practical for them to recover it, or do they just from the couple committing to a fixed date night. wait till middle age to nurture their relationship again?

If I had to pinpoint probably the biggest problem in young marriages, this scenario would be it. As life gets hectic, CASE 6 >> Money Counts very often the relationship falls by the wayside. Many peo- ple think this is normal and expected, but they’re wrong. If you ask Golda and Shmuel what the worst word in the English language could If Adina thinks her relationship can be put on hold until possibly be, they’ll simultaneously tell you, “Money!” While they see eye-to-eye on middle age, she’s making a fatal mistake — one that might most other issues, when it comes to money they are polar opposites. Golda is as thrifty cost her marriage. as they come, while Shmuel likes to “live a little.” Living on a tight budget, the tension The glue of marriage is love. Humans have such vary- sometimes stretches so much it threatens to snap altogether. “I never get my needs ing temperaments that it takes a major force to keep them met,” Shmuel sulks. “Neither do I,” Golda says glaring, pointing to their overdraft. together; without that superglue, they could never stay together. If there is a climate of love in the marriage, then whatever life throws at them, they can find a way to get Most people think that couples fight about dealt with. Any couple that doesn’t budget her to open her mind to try to understand through it. If there isn’t that climate, then in the heavy issues: money, in-laws, or the setting on the is making a big mistake, even if they have a Shmuel’s conspicuously erratic behavior. For traffic of life, feathers get ruffled, feelings get hurt, and thermostat. But it isn’t true. Couples never million-dollar annual income. A couple that his part, Shmuel needs to look at his wife each one feels like the victim of a raw deal, and inevitably fight about issues. All they fight about is one has difficulty in this area should seek guid- and say, “Hmm … she’s usually kind, sweet, the bickering and bitterness takes over. thing only: their feelings behind the issue. The ance from the various organizations available and happy, but when it comes to spending But even more pointedly, if there is a bond of love be- real problem is what Golda feels about Shmuel today, or from older, wiser friends or family she flies off the handle. That’s strange. Why tween them and he does something wrong — it’s okay. spending a lot of money — and vice versa. This members who can give them the tools for does she react so strongly? I wonder what’s He’s a good guy with a flaw. But if there isn’t a bond of is a key point, because in truth, reasonable achieving financial awareness and stability. going on with that.…” This will help each of love active and vibrant between them, then he never did people can find reasonable solutions to any But back to the key issue: Once Golda and them understand where the other person is anything good in his life. And even the one thing he does type of problem. So why is it that very often Shmuel understand that it’s not about the coming from. It will also prevent the dismis- half well he can’t get right. in a marriage, otherwise reasonable people money, but rather about their feelings behind siveness that causes hurt feelings to fester, Therefore, it’s paramount for a marriage to have love, fail to act reasonably? It all goes back to this it, each needs to focus on where the other prolonging fights and resentment. and the only way to achieve it is by spending time together principle: it is about the feelings, not the is- spouse is coming from. Here I introduce the When Golda and Shmuel allow each oth- as a couple. At the very minimum, there should be special sue. And when we’re hurt, we become very two most important words in a marriage. No, er to speak openly and respectfully about time allocated once a week, no matter what. This has to unreasonable. it’s not “Thank you” or “You’re wonderful.” their feelings behind money, they can work be a priority. If the couple doesn’t nurture the spark, it In this case, both Golda and Shmuel are It’s these words: “That’s strange.” toward a mutually beneficial solution. They will fizzle out. hurting, and not because of the money. Rath- Golda needs to say to herself, “Shmuel might not always get their way, but at least We don’t say we’re too busy to sit in a succah, or eat er, it’s the feelings they harbor: You don’t care spends considerably more than we earn, they’re working from a place of reasonable- matzah. In the same way, we can’t say we’re too busy to about me. You’re not considering my needs. all the while knowing that we will have an ness, amicability, and mutual validation, spend time with our spouses. If you think this is an ex- Of course, the second part of the prob- overdraft. That’s strange. He’s a very smart, which allows for much more flexibility and aggeration, just take one small fight between a husband lem — the actual money — also needs to be savvy person in other areas.…” This enables compromise. —

52 MISHPACHA 10 Kislev 5774 | November 13, 2013