November 8, 2012 bunctious because the point is to take up Volume XVI HWS Unite, Take Back a lot of space, to force people to Issue 4 acknowledge women’s presence at night the Night! and to make a dramatic statement that Jillian McCarthy we are here, we are safe, and we are not Take Back the Night never fails to going anywhere. I’ve enjoyed the march awe, humble, sadden, anger, and inspire in years past, but last year I had a conver- me, and this year was no exception. sation with one of my professors, who However, this time around I played a suggested that we switch up the march new and terrifying role in the event as this year and make it silent. We decided one of the co-presidents of Women’s Col- as a collective to try it. lective, along with Maeve Donnelly and Silence seems appropriate during a Amy Gallop. The three of us were both march that remembers survivors of sexu- nervous and excited going into the event. al assault, and this year as we placed As new club presidents, we frantically white carnations on the doorsteps of plac- struggled to get everything done on time, es on and off campus where sexual as- constantly feeling like we were flying by sault has been reported, we had time to the seat of our pants, especially during think and reflect on what those carna- the final days of preparation. We had tions really mean. We put carnations on also decided to make a pretty radical thirty-two doorsteps during the approxi- change to the event this year by making mately hour-and-a-half march. Thirty- the march silent. In past years, the wom- en-only march has been loud and ram- continued on page 4...

Gentle Reader, that you should do it, Saga Theft but… you should do it. Some of our Geoffrey Spicer-Simson more conservative readers might scream Gentle Reader, please understand in a fit of self-righteous moral outrage, that this piece was written purely for “But stealing is wrong! I’ve always your own amusement. I do not advocate, known this newspaper to be committed nor have I ever participated in, criminal to family values like honesty and temper- activity of any kind. Bearing this in ance!” Such a person might be tempted mind, please do not put into practice any to write nasty emails to my editor. But, of the following techniques. Just to be to these noble adherents of virtue (a de- safe, it’s probably best if you do not even mographic quite lamentably underrepre- read this article. To be doubly safe, you sented), I say: should probably set down this paper. No, don’t worry about it. It’s fine. The faint of heart rather ought not to be Right-O then. Now that we’ve gotten consuming Martinis of this strength or the necessary moral justifications out of intensity. We on the staff are perhaps a the way, let’s move on to the nuances of little too liberal with the booze. said practice. Let us go through the art of Stealing items from Saga can give a theft step-by-step, shall we? person a massive rush of adrenaline. Not Step 1- Clear your mind. This can be only is the practice more exhilarating accomplished by pouring yourself a than skydiving with Charlie Sheen in drink. Colombia, but it also does wonders for Step 2- Focus on your goal. This can the old self-esteem. I’m not saying, continued on page 6...

Editors’ Note

Dearest Readers, before I try to email a professor to miss It’s been quite some time since I’ve an exam. In the real world, if you’re actually hashed out an editor’s note, so sick, you don’t show up to your job or I’m going to hit the one topic that’s whatever your obligation. You stay Editor-in-Chief been dominating my life lately: seniori- home and you get better so as not to Cassie Diaz tis. Fall semester isn’t even over and infect more people. But I remember my yet all I can constantly think about is freshman year when I was in the hospi- how badly I can’t wait to walk across tal with mono and strep throat and get- Layout Editor the stage come May. ting an email from my professor saying Allison Smith Don’t get me wrong: I LOVE essentially, “That sucks, but you have a school. I always have. In fact, when I midterm to take.” The Angry Puffin was kid, my mom used to punish me Another example? I had to turn in Molly Louise Bilinski by making me stay home from school. my timesheet late a couple of weeks I’m not joking. Even when I was a kid, ago because that Friday I had worked a I’ve always had a great appreciation for 10 hour shift at my other job. The lady Billy Shakes education and understood how privi- at student accounts kindly informed me Cornelia Smith leged I was for having it be such a ma- that she would accept it that time, but jor part of my life. there wouldn’t be a next time. Does she Whatsherface So what’s the issue? Essentially, I understand that whether or not I turned Holly Graham feel as though this school creates a sys- it in on time, I still worked those hours? tem in which it constantly expects us to Again, in the real world, if you turn Goodie Two-Shoes act like adults while systematically your timesheet in late, you get your treating us like infants. I see this in al- paycheck late. That’s it. In HWS Melissa Webster most every aspect of my life here at world, apparently, those hours you

HWS. worked get thrown out the window. AWWWWYEAHHHH First off, I live off-campus this year Should I have turned it in on time? Ab- Maddie Balman and, ignoring the enduring process of solutely. But if I am working two jobs,

trying to be approved to live off- taking three seminars, and have a marti- The Riddler campus, the school does an excellent ni to get out biweekly, you’ll forgive me John Kuebler job of maintaining it’s control over me if it slipped my mind.

despite the fact that I’m barely on cam- It’s not just HWS either, though. In Bobcat pus. They, for example, require that we short, there’s something about my be- Nick Altmann have a meal plans, do a check-up on all ing a student that begets poor treatment

the off-campus houses, and send out from those around me. Take my neigh- Movie Buff passive-aggressive emails on how to be bors, for example. Every time I try to Hannah Semaya a ‘good neighbor’. be nice and communicate with them,

Moreover, the surveillance that this they always, without fail, blow me off The Quiet One school maintains on everyday life is without even trying to get to know me. Emily Potter just ridiculous. Take, for example, I understand that they might be cynical

when I was still living on campus and due to years and years of students liv- Loud & Proud campus security would show up ran- ing in my house, but I’m a person and Kelly Wendt domly at any time to just peruse my an adult, and I guess I’m just tired of

house. Not only that, but I also remem- not being treated as such. William Smith Proud ber a specific incident in which they Thus, I love you, HWS. I really do. Karen Heron came by my house at around 10PM to This was my first-choice school and I

do an ‘inspection of the fire extinguish- don’t regret for a second coming here. Contributors er.’ BULLSHIT. You were checking up But, at the same time, senioritis is a Jillian McCarthy on us, and you know it. hell of a bug and I just can’t wait to Fred Geppelin I understand that 1) it is the graduate. Marsha Mallow school’s property and 2) that they care Geoffrey Spicer-Simson about our safety, but at the expense of LOVELOVELOVE, Shea O’Donnell my privacy as a paying student and just Cassie as a person? In addition, forget if I am sick dur- ing an exam. I might as well be dead

November 8, 2012 2 martini Do you want your ears tantalized? Do you want to be swept off your feet with heartrending sound? Do you want to bare witness to a radio show of a life- time? If you said no, you’re a fool. If you said yes, then tune in at 105.7 fm WHWS Mondays at 8pm

- With your hosts, Max and Sam

facebook.com/aroundthebend105.7

perspective that hasn’t yet been printed in a school newspaper Tuesdays at 8 (or is it 9? 7?) or voiced, loudly, at a club meeting. Kelly Wendt Am I seriously bothered by this As an active member of several amendment? Yes. But is complaining clubs on campus, I was shocked and character-assassinating members when I first heard the about the of the governments going to help? WSC/HSG amendment mandating Hell, no. club leaders attend at least 3/4s of I think it’s safe to say it is definite- student government meetings ly time to move forward. There were throughout the semester. I was even plenty of mistakes made on the part of more startled that I was first hearing the student government, but funda- about it AFTER HSG passed the mentally (or at least, in some way) it amendment. was meant to bring club leaders and Almost everyone I know who is to get them more involved. Instead of involved in a club on campus has whining, it is time to put our differ- complained about the amendment. ences aside and talk. I’ll be the first to admit that I com- HSG, WSC, I’m ready for a con- plained about the amendment plen- versation about this. I’m ready to en- ty, even though it doesn't affect me- tertain your notions if you’ll hear out yet. all us club leaders, too. That’s all I Do I seriously have to be here? But I have nothing left to com- can ask of you. plain about. Not because I have a

martini 3 Take Back the Night The Fet Among Us (continued from page 1) By Karen Heron “Some folks are built like this/some folks are two places where women have been sexually assaulted, including various resi- built like that, dence halls on campus, the corner of Hamilton and Pulteney Streets, and City but the way that I’m built/a-don’tcha call me fat Hall. The fact that sexual assault has been reported at City Hall, a place where because I’m built for comfort…” laws are made that protect citizens, never fails to shock and disturb me. Yet -Willie Dixon through all of this, our collective silence enabled me to take back the night in my mind, and I believe that the women who marched with me did the same. While we were pleased with the number of women on the march Simply stated, organizations that promote (somewhere around 50), we were unsure of how well attended the vigil would social equality rise from American campuses like be. As we rounded the corner from St. Clair St. to the Mini Quad and proceeded funguses from the floors of dark hollows, provid- towards Coxe Hall, the size of the crowd that had gathered was much greater ing many students with a feeling of great pur- than I had expected. Prior to our arrival, people were already organizing them- pose, self-worth, and achievement— selves, handing out candles, ensuring coincidentally the same feeling that you may get that everyone’s candles were lit, and from eating certain wild mushrooms. assembling in a circle. Not only were I hope that my initial tone here has not led you many women in attendance, but to believe that I am mocking the existence of there were a lot of men as well. I was such organizations. In many instances, these amazed and elated to see so many groups are effective in sending honest-to-God do of my Hobart peers, some of whose -gooders out into the world where they can make attendance was surely the result of the a true difference in the lives of certain individu- advertisements and help of MARS als. (Men Against Rape and Sexual As- Women helping women! LGBT advocates sault), a club that was hugely help- helping LGBT youth! Anime enthusiasts help- ful to us throughout the pro- ing… Well, at least most campus organizations cess. are shining examples of what can happen when At that mo- ment I got that a group of likeminded people strive to make the thrilled feeling in my chest that told world a better and more just place for those that me that all of our efforts had been they advocate for. worth it. Through the late So, it is not sarcasm that I wish to put at the nights, the endless emails, and the forgotten tasks, people still came to support forefront of this editorial. It is hope; hope that a women and our safety. As always, those who spoke at the vigil inspired and sad- new organization will rise from the ashes of this dened me, unsettled and moved me. There were tears around the circle from copy of the Martini (as you’re sure to burn it for women and men alike. While it was wonderful to hear from so many men and warmth once overnight temperatures begin to women, we hope that in future years more women use their voices so that wom- regularly rest below freezing) and evolve into a en’s unique standpoint can be better understood. Furthermore, many of the com- support group for both women and men who ments expressed by both women and men during the vigil seemed to put men in find themselves somewhere between being fat the position of protectors, characterizing women as victims in need of protec- and being fit. tion. This rhetoric reinforces the idea that although this event is an important I will be the first to stand up and proclaim step in the right direction, we need a much broader social change to decrease my love for my huggable, easy-to-maintain sexual violence. build. I, my friends and readers, AM FET, As we all stood in a circle facing each other, united in our goal of changing AND I AM DAMNED PROUD OF IT! the fact that one in four women is sexually assaulted before graduation, I felt You may be asking yourself what it means to that this was the beginning of that change. Those in attendance came from di- be fet. It is not an acronym, as you may have verse groups—social justice groups, fraternities, the Hobartones, MARS, initially surmised, for Fun, Exciting, & Tubby or PRIDE, and many individuals came on their own. I had never seen so many Flabby Elbows Tolerated (if you did, however, new faces at Take Back the Night before, or maybe I had just never paid such believe this to be true then you can consider close attention. Nevertheless, the vigil was a beautiful salient moment for our yourself to be both remarkably creative and a campus and for women. After the vigil, we proceeded to Kappa Sigma, whose couple rungs short of mature). Fetness is the and efforts were also essential to the success of this event, where hot chocolate physical state that resides comfortably between and donuts awaited the tired marchers and attendants of the vigil. fatness and fitness, and according to my unin- The change doesn’t stop with the end of the event. For women and all people formed calculations, it is the physique that the to be safe from sexual assault, we must all change our actions every day. Don’t majority of people find themselves to be. know what to do? Come to MARS meetings (6:30 p.m. Wednesdays in the Those who are fet, like yours truly, do not Creedon Room) and Women’s Collective meetings (9:00 p.m. Mondays in the look the least bit obese when wearing dress pants Women’s Resource Center of Miller Hall). Help and support your friends, re- and a blouse, sweatshirts, or other various baggy spect all genders, and shatter the silence around sexual assault. Together, we continued on page 6... can all take back the night.

4 martini November 8, 2012 Step one: Play a music video at the beginning of each program. Radio: Heal the Video’s Scar When the hour turns and a new show begins on NPR, the Fred Geppelin host greets and notifies the listener of the show’s agenda. Before You know when you say something that you’re pretty sure proceeding with the show, however, the host says “But first, the has never been uttered before? Well, this is not one of those news…”, and Lakshmi Singh informs the listener the top stories moments for me. of the hour. In addition to enlightening the listener, this news- Anyone who is of drinking age—or break reminds them that, yes, they are listen- maybe you’d have to be a few years ing to a station that is news-centric. passed twenty-one—has had a conversa- Adopting this approach would be a simple tion regarding the fact that MTV (Music way to incorporate music videos into MTV’s Television, that is) no longer plays music programming. Would it really take away videos. It has been said a number of from the quality of the program or the enter- times, and maybe it’s time to get over it. tainment value being offered to the viewer? But I am writing to suggest rather than No. It would only enhance it. Take this ex- to bitch. My suggestion: MTV should ample for instance: “Thanks for tuning in. treat music like NPR treats the news. It is Before we watch a bunch of amateur assholes common knowledge that the primary pur- daring death in a variety of epically-failed suit of National Public Radio is to inform stunts and then sit through painfully awk- its listeners, yet it still incorporates enter- ward quips issued by H-list celebrities about said stunts, let’s tainment in the form of quiz shows, call-in shows, and shows watch a video by someone with at least a molecule of actual related to the arts. talent…” In a world infested with clip-shows, even the occa- This proposed change of approach can be accomplished by tak- sional Ke$ha video can provide hope for a more musical tomor- ing the following three easy steps: row.

continued on page 8...

so sue me), it’s well over $5. And I was HWS Prices- Off the shocked again last week when I got a quesadilla with a side of guacamole from Charts Salsa Rico the other day. The side of guaca- Marsha mallow mole alone is $1.69. I could go to It’s easy to not notice the price of some Wegman’s and buy avocado, lime, cilantro, things on campus- how much your books and tomato for less than five dollars and cost (if you’ve got a student charge ac- have about twenty times the amount of 88% of the men partaking count), how much that sub costs (if you’re guacamole they gave me in that tiny plastic in No-Shave November on a meal cup. plan); it’s hard I’m a broke col- have no idea that 78% of to not notice lege student. I work the ladies are as well. the price of seven hours a week other things on and make a little campus- laun- more than nine dol- dry, anyone? lars an hour. I could But wheth- probably work more er you pay at- than seven hours a tention or not, week (I worked nine this campus is last semester), but I pricey. Not have a lot of other only does the stuff going on, and if cost of attend- I want to keep up my ing continue to skyrocket, so does the price GPA (so I don’t get stuck working for nine of everything else around here. This leads dollars an hour the rest of my life), I need me to ponder two issues about the price of to spend some of my time studying. I am HWS: one, if I’m on a budget, why HWS primarily a student here, after all. So why is support that and two, if I’m on a budget, HWS determined to break my bank? I do why isn’t my school? my laundry every two weeks (when I run The first issue first came to my attention out of underwear and socks), and it costs sometime my first year when I actually saw anywhere from $2.75 to upwards of eight Sharkcat says: It’s all downhill from how much a wrap costs at this school. And bucks, depending on how many loads I here, kids. while I can’t remember it off the top of my head (I know, I’m a failure of a journalist, continued on page 9...

[email protected] martini 5 dare you, sir, suggest that I degrade which tend to occur on Tier 3. But, I Saga Stealth myself by dining with the proletariat in digress.) (continued from page 1) the very domicile of humanity’s dregs!? Step 8- Enjoy your meal. This, happily, In all my years, never have I witnessed can be enjoyed in the society of a nice also be accomplished by pouring your- such a reprehensible level of imperti- drink, provided, Gentle Reader, that self a drink. nence!” However, Gentle Reader, this you are the sort of enterprising young Step 3- Resolve to accomplish said goal. stigma against Tier 3 is totally unfound- person who would be clever enough to This can be accomplished whilst pour- ed. We frequent diners at the lowest fill a water bottle with your elixir (or ing yourself another drink. rung on the Saga ladder are not all, as would poison be a better word?) of (These first three goals apply not choice. only to stealing things from Saga, but Step 9- Pack the various apples of to basically everything else in life as your eye, be they cutlery, four- well.) cornered plates, exotic fruits, or fine Step 4- Walk to Saga. This, alas, can china, into that magnificently con- be accomplished neither by nor venient backpack you’d been so well- whilst pouring yourself a drink. advised to bring along. Then, with a Please be certain to bring along an calm to rival that of Che Guevara, empty backpack. It will prove useful! though without wearing one of those Step 5- Great Betty/Dick with a idiotic T-shirts or supporting the hearty hello, a radiant smile, and a man’s ridiculous ideology, return sincere “How are you!?” They are your tray to the conveyor belt. Try in both wonderful people, and deserve vain to avoid breathing in that fresh to be treated as such. aroma of rancid milk. Then, wish Step 6- Acquire a tray for yourself. Jk. Swiper no swiping!! Betty/Dick a lovely day. Exit pur- Place on said tray not only the de- sued by a bear. sired components of your breakfast, Step 10- Participate in celebratory lunch, dinner, supper, brunch, what- some may have it, inspirations for the revelry back in your place of residence. have-you, but also be sure to take with characters of TV’s Freaks and Geeks. I’m not advocating an orgy, but it would you whatever you’d like to bring back to Rather, Tier 3 is quite a comfortable and be recommended. the old dorm as a souvenir. relaxed setting. Our atmosphere is filled In all seriousness, DON’T steal from Step 7- Walk down to Tier 3. with laughter and airy, intelligent con- Saga. I don’t want to be responsible for (Yes, yes, Gentle Reader, I know versation. Regardless of these supremely a spike in the on-campus crime rate. what now runs through your precious pleasant attraction, Tier 3 offers one God forbid we see an HWS fact toting little sugar-plumb of a head. “Tier 3!? more crucial element: that of anonymi- that “33% of students refuse to pillage Mon Dieu, I should think not! How ty. Tier 1 is a bit open for the activities the dining hall.”

The Fet Ones (continued from page 4) attire. However, when we are in workout make humanity’s sole source of nourish- ey, salty, and crunchy cravings (chocolate gear or a bathing suit, we look downright ment absolutely delicious—and I hate to -covered pretzels anyone?) and ignore all plump to the judgmental viewer. Our workout. Just a few weeks ago, I stopped sorts of workout regimens (and, in the love-handles are able to be gripped and eating after ten PM and started writing process, avoid being an accomplice to our calves sometimes prevent our pants down everything I ate, a technique that Jillian Michaels’ egregious sexual harass- from being pulled off with ease, but this made me so aware of my food consump- ment of Shelley) without feeling shame should be lovingly tolerated if not actually tion that I stopped snacking almost alto- for not looking like—well, like Shelley. admired. gether; there is a bag of Veggie Chips in So, my fet brothers and sisters: get off The way I see it, there are three legitimate my cupboard that has been awfully lone- your cushiony ass and join the movement! and well-documented ways to lose ly. Since that time, I have lost ten Let’s take pride in our fetness and enjoy weight: eating right, working out, and pounds, but guess what…I still am fet and fattening foods and some dark beer in the motivating yourself by purchasing a hot can tell that just eating right will not re- process. And the next time some skinny swimsuit that would look terrible on you lieve me of my flab. I cannot bring myself biddy or bro eyes your love handles and if your body does not shrink with a quick- to work out when I am already restricting mentally crosses you off of their list of ness. However, it is difficult (and seem- my diet of all the wonderfully fattening potential hookups for the night, buy them ingly impossible for the fet among us) to foods that I grew up tasting late into the a drink and whisper this into their ear travel along all three of these avenues at night. with an artificially lustful tone: Who would once. But that’s ok. I am at peace with and fuck you? Take me for instance. I love to eat—I sometimes take pride in my fet physique. was doomed the day someone decided to We should be able to satisfy our chocolat-

6 martini November 8, 2012 Crisp….

….Clean

Hard Hitting

Fiona the Fierce Fred Geppelin When I was a kid, the video for ’s “Criminal” was on MTV and M2 a lot. While her introduction to the world was filled with shag carpeting, sev- enties-style lighting, and a half-naked Fiona, followers of her career quickly grew used to her sullen and intimidating lyrics, her outspoken yet reclusive persona, and her propensity for releasing an album whenever she’s damned-well ready to. When I got a little older and had the fortune to hear her third album, Extraordi- nary Machine, I grew used to desiring her despite knowing full well that she would intimidate me into tears if I were actually able to take her to bed. The title track was a “When I’m Sixty-Four”-style track that invited someone to “be kind to me or treat me mean” while the album included a number of hip-hop influenced, soul- ful takes on lost love (two of which feature Questlove on drums) and just as many intensely-delicate ones that feature barbs sharp enough to scratch the CD (“”: “you looked as sincere as a dog…when it’s the food on your lips with which it’s in love”). Even after all of these years, I cannot find a track on that album that I am will- ing to skip. I honestly think that is the best album, top-to- bottom, that I have ever heard. Due to the high esteem that I hold her in, you can surely imagine my joy upon hearing (albeit a few months late) that Fiona Apple had released a fourth CD. The title is long, though not her longest: The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than the Driver of the Screw and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do. ...martini Released five years after the album I have been gushing over, The Idler Wheel… features hardly any instrumentation compared to its predecessor. The primary source of this light yet, at times, complex accompaniment is veteran percussionist . Referring to Drayton as the drummer on this album does not do him the justice he deserves as he never plays a typical rock beat on it; Drayton crafts tricky, loop-like patterns that provide Apple’s songs with a sparse yet solid foundation. Many of his offerings seem simple until you give them your full atten- tion and realize their complexity. This was not what I expected, but I have no reason to complain. This more intimate piano/percussion approach complements Apple’s songs well in that they seem to have been composed for inclusion in a recital and not in a rock show. It does not, in my opinion, rival her previous release in prominence, but each track showcases both the strength of her craft and of her conviction. continued on page 11... [email protected] martini 7 Radio Revival (continued from page 5)

Step two: Make at least half of the shows have something to to forget that it is a news station due to these constant remind- do with music. ers. When I was a kid, MTV had an alternative-rock show With MTV, it’s a different story. After a daily eighteen- called 120 Minutes. Now, I would literally shit into a lion’s hour block of people shouting their demands for some mis- mouth if you could prove to me that MTV plays 120 minutes guided form of respect at other half-naked nincompoops, a worth of music videos in any given day (After writing that music video would seem as out of place as if it appeared sud- sentence, I researched this: MTV plays music videos between denly on Fox News. As a matter of fact, NPR plays more 3 and 9 AM. I’ll hold up my end of the bargain and get to music than MTV: World Café, Beale Street Caravan, The Her- shitting, but I did make my point: MTV only plays music mit’s show, E Town, The Grateful Dead Hour, American Roots, when no one is watching. That would be like NPR delivering Mountain Stage, and more. That is an extraordinary fact when the news with the microphone turned off. If a tree falls when you think about it. That’s like PBS airing more basketball no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Really, who games than ESPN. gives a shit.) Step three: Have a modicum of self-respect, for Christ’s sake! Of the entertainment programs on NPR, almost all of There are kids watching! them incorporate the news in some way. Wait, Wait…Don’t (OK… So, step three is more of a comment than a sugges- Tell Me!, the NPR quiz-show, tests its panel’s knowledge of tion, but here it goes…) current events. Terry Gross interviews politicians, human Of course, the self-respect that NPR has is much more than a rights activists, and other newsmakers in addition to enter- modicum; it is damned near a truckload compared to that of tainers on Fresh Air. This American Life can make you laugh, MTV. And, as for the point that the youth’s collective brain cry, and think while relaying the wonderfully interesting sto- is being regularly rotted ries of everyday people. While listening to NPR, it is difficult by its programming, MTV continued on page 11...

assuming many other people taking the survey did: I closed my Just Facts: Just False eyes and picked an answer. Maddie Balman Another flaw with the survey is the phrasing of the ques- Last summer I had to read a book called Polling and the Pubic tions. The questions about when and how often it was accepta- for my government class. I was a little wary of it at first because ble for fellow athletes to drink and smoke were phrased in a way I had never been particularly enthralled with the processes be- that made drinking and smoking sound morally wrong. By hind conducting public opinion polls. Yet, I actually enjoyed phrasing these things in such a way, those being surveyed are reading the book. more likely to choose answers like “drinking/ It ruined me. Now I cannot look at a smoking are never okay” versus “a frequent poll or a survey or the results taken from drunk is ok if that is what the person wants to one or the other without critiquing them do.” Thus, the results are skewed even further for accuracy. Sometimes the flaws are from this flaw. more apparent than not. Finally, this quiz forced all participants to This weekend I was coerced into taking answer questions that may not have even a student athlete survey and the results pertained to their sport. My favorite was the would appear on, that’s right, the “just section of the quiz which asked about playing facts” posters. I have been a little skepti- time. Now sure, if you are a soccer player or cal of the percentages that they boast football player or participate in a sport where since day one; now I am sure that they Who said numbers never lie... playing time is something you are working are inaccurate. toward in practice, then this question is perfect- One of the things that caught my ly relevant. I am a cross country runner. The attention right off the bat was that the person being surveyed point of my practice is to DECREASE my racing time. We all was forced to answer every question. There was no option for run the same races, for the most part. Yet, I was forced to fudge the person being surveyed to answer “no opinion” or “not some sort of response to this question, clearly geared toward sure.” By assuming that all responders have the same other sports. But we are not the only team that would have this knowledge and by forcing the responder to answer a question issue. What about the swim team and a myriad of other teams that they are not qualified to answer, the results of the poll will that do not give out “playing time” in a traditional sense? be skewed. Taking this quiz has made me a lot more wary of the results For example, several questions asked about the frequency posted on these “just facts” posters. I hope that you too will be a with which several different subgroups of athletes smoke and more informed consumer after this. drink. Now personally I could not care less about the smoking Source: Asher, Herbert B. Polling and the Public: What Every Citizen Should Know. and drinking habits of anyone else, nor do I care to take a guess Washington, D.C.: CQ, 1988. Print. at how often female athletes use tobacco-related products each week. So I did what I the person next to me did and what I am

8 martini November 8, 2012

Sankofa: The Black Student Union

Need some help staying awake and motivat- Meetings Tuesday 7-8pm ed in class? Now you have it: listen up for Intercultural Affairs House (IC) any thought-provoking or simply amusing quotes by your professors, and email it to us

at [email protected]. Please keep quotes anonymous to protect the not-so-innocent

Nickel and Dimed (continued from page 5) "He said he didn't inhale...god what a waste." need to do. I can spend a whole hour’s worth of work of my money washing my freaking underwear. And it’s not enough that my parents and I are put on a strict budget for me to get my education. No, I walk through Scandling and see the Stewardson So- "Have them go out in a field and ciety asking me for money as a graduation gift to HWS? How about HWS gives smell their own smells." ME a graduation gift for paying THEM roughly $200,000? But, okay, HWS isn’t responsible for my personal finances, and they can beg me for all the money in the world- I’m the one that is in charge of my bank account "When indeed she does not have a until I graduate and the student loans start to own it. The bigger question is why isn’t HWS on a budget, too? The cost of college penis." generally is getting to be unsustainable. But if the majority of HWS students are on scholarships because they can’t afford it here, why isn’t HWS doing more? I recently found out how much Sodexo charges for those nice little cheese platters "I just can't get over referring to 'suck they like to put out during fancy events. They cost $728. Yup. Seven hundred my dick' in an academic setting." and twenty-eight dollars. And they charge $4.50 a tablecloth. Just let that sink in for a minute. Think about how much this school spends on cheese every year. No wonder my meal plan costs so much- it’s all going to President Gearan can have some cheese at his house when he invites parents "I'm going to tell you what you need and students during parent’s weekend. Again, I could go to Wegman’s and buy to know, so you know what you cheese for a fraction of how much Sodexo is charging. need to know." So, HWS, if you’re going to say you help make this school affordable, take it one step further. Be the first school to really, seriously, put itself on a budget. I know you want to have the shiniest new gadgets and gizmos, but how necessary is it all? That’s a question I’m asking myself more and more as graduation "Children wore little flying penises zooms towards me and I get closer and closer to striking out on my own. I’m around their necks for safekeeping." going to be a slave to my student loans soon enough, and my budget will only get tighter. Maybe if HWS didn’t blow their budget on cheese and God knows what else, I wouldn’t have such heaping student loans. Because frankly, I’d ra- ther owe less than know we rank number one on some obsolete list of colleges who are breaking barriers in spending all their money on something that is only kind of useful to some of the student population.

[email protected] martini 9 from? Yeah, I have no proof, but I am totally ready to accuse him of taking steroids. My buddy asked him if his pipes were chemically enhanced the other day, and Pete denied it. But so did A-Roid. I am fully From the Inbox expecting him to fess up in the next couple of weeks— Dear Martini Staff, just like his apparent guru did. I am writing this letter in the hope that my stupid sister I know he is jacked, but I’m pretty sure I could kick his (she goes to William Smith) will read it and reconsider ass. I’ve seen him fight before, and he acted like a giant dating this fucking loser that she has been with since she pussy with flailing arms and fidgety feet. Pete was hitting was in high school. I have tried to talk some sense into her on some guy’s girlfriend in the Safeway parking lot, and about ten times this semester, but maybe having my argu- Pete mustered up the ‘courage’ to slap the bag of groceries ments published will make a bigger impression on her. from this guy’s arms and run away. It was reminiscent of My sister’s boyfriend is a first-class douchebag, but the time Gay-Rod slapped the ball out of Bronson Ar- that’s not the only thing he has in common with Alex Ro- royo’s glove on his way to first base. Sis: Pete is a punk- driguez. If you aren’t a baseball fan and don’t know who ass bitch, and if you don’t break up with him, I’m-a treat this asshole is, Alex Rodriguez (better known as A-Rod— him like Jason Varitek did A-Rod and POP that suckah in or Gay-Rod) is the second-best third baseman in New the temple. York City after David Wright. After this past season, the And how does my sister respond to Pete’s perpetual stupid-fucking-Yankees seem to think he is expendable— punk-ass pomposity? (By the way, I’ve also been learning O, how the mighty have fallen! about alliteration). She wants to see it through because of Anyway, I’ve been learning about analogies in school, all that she has invested in this guy. But that is a sunken and I’d like to try my hand at cost: you can’t get your investment one: my sister (God, forgive me back no matter how long you wait for this comparison) is to the for things to improve. stupid-fucking-Yankees as her The Yankees should also eat boyfriend, Pete, is to A-Rod. all the money that they owe A-Rod When they met, she was all in; and let him walk to another team. she would have done anything In Miami, or wherever he ends up, for him (probably even offer a he will ruin the team’s chemistry, ten-year contract in which she under-produce in the clutch, and gave up about $275 million accidentally date a couple Cuban worth of her time and assets). trannies in the process. Sis: you She saw Pete as a huge catch should do the same (the same as because a lot of other girls the Yankees, of course…please wanted him to sign with them. don’t start dating transvestites). Pete treated her well at first but Cut Pete loose, let him get arrested would always let her down in big moments. He would for being the pedophile that he is, and discontinue spend- stand her up for movie dates, got too drunk to dance at ing your time, money, and emotions on a complete fuck- prom, and fought with her friend’s boyfriend at her gradu- ing loser. ation party, among other things. Do you remember when the Mets finally got rid of Pete’s ability to fail my sister when she needed him Oliver Perez, and I was bummed out about it for a week? most is so like A-Rod’s tendency to choke in the playoffs You consoled me and told me that it was for the best: he that it got me thinking: how else is Pete like that dickhead didn’t help the Mets win, and they were better off paying who refused to sign with the Mets because they wouldn’t him to leave. You taught me this lesson, and now I must satisfy his contract demands that included a plane for his remind you of it. You’re better off without Pete, and eve- own personal use? ryone I’ve talked to about it agrees with me. Well, for one, I always catch Pete hitting on chicks at Sean, Jay, and I (they’re my friends) have a bet going the Safeway, the mall, or outside of my school. That piece about who will get cut first: Jason Bay, A-Rod, or Pete. If of shit is supposed to be thinking about my sister— you dump Pete before the Mets or Yanks get rid of their supposed to have his goddamn head in the game—but deadweights, then I will win twenty bucks. I made this instead he’s getting digits from girls that cheerlead at my bet because I believe in you (and if I win, you can use the fucking basketball games. It’s not just young chicks either; money to buy beer…for us). like A-Rod to Madonna, Pete has been harassing this hot To the Martini staff, thank you for printing this (I real- older lady who used to be my DARE counselor. Anyway, ly hope that you do). Feel free to edit my obscenities he’s bad news, Sis (God, I hope you’re reading this). where you see fit. Another thing is that Pete kinda looks like he works Sincerely, out—OK, he’s jacked, but no one’s ever seen the fucking Shea O’Donnell guy work out. The only exercise he gets is from chasing **An actual letter received from a Long Island teen whose sister attends tail and jerking off. So, where does he get his muscle William Smith**

10 martini November 8, 2012 Writers Needed…

(Bribes will be considered)

Meetings Thursdays in the Creedon Room at 8PM OR Send submissions to [email protected] by 8PM Mondays

Radio Revival Fiona (continued from page 8) (continued from page 7) certainly knows their target audience: kids, teens, and young “Daredevil”, “Valentine”, and “Anything We Want” are all adults whose idea of fun is watching a slutty train wreck. very good songs, but three others stand out as the cream of this par- And I guess that is the saddest part of this whole lack of ticular crop. The opener, “Every Single Night”, is daintily sullen music on MTV thing: the programs that they have selected and punctuated by short bursts of angst while “Left Alone” opens to replace the music videos are swiftly propelling impres- with a thirty second drum exploration that leads to Apple channel- sionable minds into a vortex of ignorance, apathy, and disre- ing her inner Ella Fitzgerald over a rollicking piano and drum back- spect. Watching shows that promote volatile relationships ing that recalls a broom sweeping gravel. “Hot Knife”, the album’s (Jersey Shore, Real World, Road Rules, etc…), being a teenage closer, features a bluesy lyric that repeats for four minutes while mother or simply a teenage asshole (16 and Pregnant & My changing slightly in its rhythm and harmony as it goes. What Super Sweet 16), and performing harmful stunts that can in- doesn’t change is Drayton’s low and rumbling tympani which, like flict harm on yourself or others (Jackass, Ridiculousness) cer- his work on the rest of the album, is both steady and understated. tainly encourages the viewer to become an insufferable and Both Drayton’s influence and Apple’s simple approach are rea- unstable dickhead who has no regard for his or her own sons enough to appreciate this album. But as someone who has wellbeing. always loved the sharp bite of Apple’s lyrics, I am most taken by the I’m going to stop short of putting much blame on MTV vicious vocals that she employs on this album. A few songs find for the rampant deterioration of our society. After all, they her so intense that you actually wonder if she may begin to lose her are not the only guilty party: many media outlets rely on our voice by the song’s close. “I ran out of white dove feathers/to soak willingness to exchange every shred of our dignity for fifteen up the hot piss that comes from your mouth every time you address -seconds of internet or clip-show fame for their existence. me”, Apple hoarsely wails during the chorus of “Regret”. Upon As Prince once said, “Don’t let your children watch televi- hearing this, I felt sympathy for and fear of the singer. The bridge sion before they know how 2 read/or else all they’ll know of “Daredevil” is another place where Apple puts her passion on how 2 do is cuss, fight, and breed”. Those lyrics are from display as she aggressively belts “Wake me up/give me, give me, the 1981 song “Sexuality”. If Prince had written them to- give me what you got in your mind/in the middle of the night”. day, he might alter them to better reflect the current state of Although not as monumental as Extraordinary Machine or even television: “Get your ultra-fine motherly ass over to Time When the Pawn… before it, The Idler Wheel... gives fans of Fiona Ap- Warner and tell them to shove it/then go turn on NPR, the ple everything they could ask for; an interesting and honest collec- fruit of your sexy loins will love it”. tion of songs that are soaked in the blood, sweat, and tears of Amer- ica’s best and most elusive singer-.

[email protected] martini 11 (who are not very nice to him at all). This is where the game Wreck it Ralph jumping comes in. Ralph is on a search for ac- Hannah Semaya ceptance and validation. There are trips to Wreck it Ralph is surprising. It’s shooting games, racing games, and even some surprising because to anyone who shady references to characters that have gone has seen any advertisements for the rogue before. It all ties together into a very cute movie probably expect to see light story. video-game centric nostalgia for The animation of the movie was very pret- two hours. This is not the case. Of ty. I saw the movie in 2D, which is perfectly course there are a lot of video game acceptable, and I’m sure the 3D option would homages, but the movie itself is be just as nice. The scenes that really stand out about more than that. The charac- are the video game worlds. If you have played ters are more than just pieces of anything as simple as Mario Kart to something different video games smashed to- as complex as Halo, you’ll be able to recognize gether for the enjoyment of gamers. the many, many homages to classic characters It’s actually a really good, and sur- and games. prisingly deep movie. Although the movie is not as focused on the Our story begins with an 8 bit video game world as it might look from the introduction to Ralph, our antihero. commercials, it is a very good movie. The plot is Voiced by John C. Reilly (Step Brothers), he’s the villain in the interesting- and dark, the characters are complex, and the drama Fix-it-Felix video game. Ralph wants an escape from Felix, is intense. You should go see this movie. voiced by Jack McBrayer (30 Rock), and all the nicelanders 4/5 stars

Aries: Your vote will be the swing Capricorn: Your name is written on vote that gets Chiddy Bang for Spring the ceiling in the Gulick Comp Lab. Fest.

Gemini: If the forgotten pictures

from Halloween are just popping Leo: The way you’re spending your up...Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alc…. Jk booze money, it looks like Spring that doesn’t work past freshman year. Break ‘13 is a “no”. Libra: The crazy dream you had last

night that you are pretending doesn’t The Biggie Mystic—Spitting your Sagittarius: Being single sometimes say something about your character? fortune better than you spit game. means one in the hand is better than Nope, you’re just a weird dude. two in the bush. Aquarius: Your next life is going to be Scorpio: It is The Day After Tomor- like Harry Potter meets Avatar meets row…. Don’t you know that? Stock up Taurus: Threesomes are not the best the second Holocaust. Interesting, on Ramen. thing to put on your resume. Unless they involve Donald Trump. Always right? Trumps. Cancer: This weekend you’re gonna Pisces: This week will end in a zom- be like Bunny Foo Foo picking up bie apocalypse if you skip your morn- Virgo: If you don't get no R-S-P-E-C- those field mice. ing class. Fight the hangover. T, just add some E.

All Martini’s are recyclable. Lets keep it green, shall we? Any questions, comments or complaints send to [email protected] We’d looooove to hear it.

12 martini November 8, 2012