201 S. Gammon Rd, Madison, WI 53717 jmmswordandshield.com “Sword & Shield” @jmmnews [email protected]

APRIL FOOLS’ 2019 VOLUME LII

James Madison Memorial High School Student Newspaper

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HEY SPARTANS, As your Arts & Entertainment editors, we want to wish everyone a happy April! This month’s edition is a full issue of satire pieces. We do have real articles on our website though, so don’t forget to check out www.jmmswordandshield.com! Spring is here! We have longer days, spring sports, and warmer weather. Just two more months until summer vacation - we can do it! There’s a lot going on at school during these last few months: sports, Prom, AP tests, finals….but don’t wor- ry! We’re here to keep you notified on everything going on at school and outside. Speaking Arts and Entertainment...there are a bunch of new movies, albums, and other media coming out soon, make sure to check them out! April is a reminder that sometimes, laying back and having a fun time is better than JASSI CHAHAL + CLAIRE REID stressing out and being frustrated. Keep going, we’re almost Arts & Entertainment Editors there!

STUDENT LIFE NEWS ARTS & ENTER. SPORTS OPINIONS 4 // Sword & Shield 10 // Peeps Plant 15 // Quick Movie 18 // Sports 21 // Why Not to Secret Tea Personnel Summaries Moments That I Read the News On all of the editors. Prosecuted Find out what The Wish Were Fake 22 // Why Clickbait 5 // Senior Advice 11 // Four Years of Favourie, A Star is Born, 19 // My is Good Green Book, Five Feet Column No Reason to Not Apart, Us, Call Me By Commitment to the 23 // The Best Diet Developing relationships Get Married Your Name, and The NBA for Losing Weight with teachers and staying Commitment-phobes Room are about. A student reveals a 23 // Freshmen Are motivated. forced to settle down. 15 // Tic Tac Toe surprising career choice. an Important Part of 5 // Luxurious Su- 11 // Discovering 16 // Horoscopes High School shi Recipe Greatness on New 23 // Freshmen Get rich quick. America Must Be Banned 6 // Bathroom 11 // New Mexican Remodel Dirt Some long-awaited For only $5 per bag. changes 12 // The Earth is 6 // ETH Club Flat??? Advocating for the Ethical Treatment of 12 // Book: Watch Houseflies. Out Apple 7 // How to Prepare 13 // No Daylight for AP Exams Savings 8 // Cartoon 13 // World War 3: How to draw a bunny What Happened and 9 // How to Be How We Missed It Productive in 14 // President School Trump Impeached Don’t let senioritis catch up with you.

2 EDITORS Co-Editors-in-Chief What’s haening Garrett Kennedy & April Beatričė Naujalytė THIS MONTH at JMM? Student Life Editors Amisha Talati & Deney Li 2019 Opinions Editor Maggie Di Sanza Sports Editors 1 April Fish Kari Larsen & 2 Rahima Osman News Editor 3 Leah Vredenbregt Arts & Entertainment Editors

Jassi Chahal & Claire Reid Layout Editor SPIRIT WEE Lily Lowndes Bring a Rock to School Webmaster 9 Give Lily 5 Day Davis Hardy Copy Editor 10 International Day of Silly Walks Shruti Sathish 11 School-wide Nap Time 12 Stop Being Annoying Day ADVISOR 13 Teri Parris Ford

1 CONTRIBUTORS 1 Recorder Choir Concert 8:30 Jassi Chahal 1 Maggie Di Sanza Joylyn Gong 1 Jessica Jiang 1 Garrett Kennedy 19 Kari Larsen

20 lsafkaslfsl i give up Megan Li Lily Lowndes 21 Beatrice Naujalyte 22 Sagarika Pal 23 Amira Pierotti Brynn Sailing 2 Anika Sanyal 2 Shruti Sathish 2 Leah Vredenbregt

2 Daniel Wanak Pre-Finals Break This calendar is fake! Visit 2 www.jmmswordandshield.com (+ writers of web for the real one. articles - check out 29 www.jmmswordandshield.com!) 30

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STUDENT LIFE SWORD & SHIELD’S SECRET TEA By Maggie Di Sanza This is a satire article. Co-Editor in Chief Beatrice Naujalyte: Our sources did Co-Editor in Chief Garrett Kennedy: Some have not have any tea on Beatrice, other than the fact that she reported that Garrett only turns in two articles per issue is killing the game. Like honestly, how can someone be to the Sword and Shield. In fact, it is said that he did so good at life?! not contribute to any of the content in the February or March issue! The ones he does submit are often turned Sports Editor Rahima Osman: Many have re- in late, without titles, and not in the proper format. ported that Rahima knows little about sports, and contributes the least to the Sports Section despite News Editor Leah Vredenbregt: It has been ru- being one of the two sports editors. A few sources mored that Leah uses exclusively MSNBC and FOX have questioned her participation in the Memorial News to fact check her sources. These politically athletic department! shallow sources are directly influencing the Sword and Shield’s News! Opinions Editor Maggie Di Sanza: A fellow Editor has disclosed that Maggie writes articles far over the word Sports Editor Kari Larsen: Our sources have made it limit. For an article she wrote in the News Section in clear to us that Kari does not properly link her photos November, the paper was forced to print an extra three when laying out the paper in Adobe InDesign. This has pages because of her inability to write in a concise brought complete and utter distress to our Layout Edi- manner! tor Lily Lowndes, and our Co-Editors in Chief (Beatrice and Garrett). Arts and Entertainment Editor Claire Reid: It was recently made known to the journalists at the Sword and Shield that Claire has been accused of making Student Life Editor Deney Li: A recent source dis- closed that Deney has reviewed the JMM Plays and up the Horoscopes for the Arts and Entertainment Musicals without having seen the shows. From the Section. That’s right! Each horoscope that Claire has Fall Play to the Winter Musical, Deney has con- written has been based on no astrological facts vinced the entire student body that she is a legitimate whatsoever! source! Layout Editor Lily Lowndes: Lily has been accused of not attending planning meetings, and skipping all of the Operations Manager : Many Editors on Davis Hardy Sword and Shield layouts! She must have something up the Sword and Shield team have complained about the her sleeve! fact that Davis never turns in the cover page drawing on time. In fact, it was said that he worked on it during Copy Editor Shruti Sathish: A few sources have layout! reported that Shruti leaves all sorts of grammatical errors in the paper. Some have reported that she al- Arts and Entertainment Editor Jassi Chahal: An lows for comma splices, inaccurate semicolon usage, administrator at JMM who chooses to remain and even uncapitalized proper nouns! anonymous reputed that Jassi has reviewed movies without giving a spoiler warning at the beginning Student Life Editor Amisha Talati: An anonymous of the article! Innocent movie-watchers have been student at Memorial has divulged that Amisha has not terrorised by her careless actions. used the proper font when laying out the paper. Instead of Crimson text she has used Montserrat Italic! 4 This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com APRIL FOOLS’ 2019 SENIOR ADVICE COLUMN By Kari Larsen LUXURIOUS This is a satire article. SUSHI RECIPE By Leah Vredenbregt What are some ways I can develop good relationships with my This is a satire article. teachers? Getting to know your teachers is very important for succeeding in high Even though money can’t buy school. Through the years, we’ve picked up some great tips. First off, if happiness, it can certainly buy liter- you have a question, don’t bother raising your hand. Ask it, even if the ally anything else you could want. teacher is talking. After all, your learning experience comes first, and the But, the question remains, how teacher will love how assertive you are. Secondly, since you’ll want to talk does one become rich? Well, if you to your teachers often to get help, make sure you establish a first-name make this “Rich Man’s Salad” and (or even nickname) basis with them. So long to the “Mrs.” or “Mr”. It’s eat it once a day for the next month, “homie”, “girl”, or my personal favorite, “Diggity Dog”. They’ll appreciate you will become rich, too. you going out of your way to make a special name for them, and will likely help you more than the other students. Lastly, if they have any rules in the INGREDIENTS: class, forget them. Teachers only make rules because they’re meant to be -1 oz. fresh caviar broken. If there’s a no food rule, order a KFC feast for the entire class. If -80 gold flakes there’s a no phone rule, be sure to have your phone visibly out, with your -½ cup of cheese, made using the music blasting. The teacher will be proud that you were clever enough to milk from your flock of sheep you figure out that their rules were just there for humor! keep at your summer cabin in the Catskills Has it been hard to stay motivated since you’re a second semester -12 pieces of sushi, obviously made senior? by your private chef Not at all! Us seniors here at the Sword & Shield have been working -1 hard boiled egg, again, from your hard. Let’s take you through a typical day of one of our editors: summer cabin at the Catskills 10am - Wake up 11am - Get out of bed 11:30am - Order a large pizza INSTRUCTIONS: 1. Combine the caviar, gold flakes, 12pm - Pick up the large pizza and drive very slowly to school cheese, and egg in a shallow bowl 12:30pm - Ask morning teachers what you missed, but don’t actually that you got on your life changing 3 make up any of the work month trip to India 1pm - Skip 5th hour to share the pizza with friends 2. Garnish with the fresh sushi rolls 2pm-3:45pm - Attend the last two classes of the day just to say you did 3. Invite your good friend Oprah 4pm - Tell coach your body hurts and you can’t practice over 5pm - Go home, leave backpack in your car, and sleep 4. Enjoy! REPEAT

As you can see, from ordering pizza to driving all the way to school and back, AND talking to coaches and teachers, we are continuing to follow the Memorial Way all the way until graduation!

This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com 5 APRIL FOOLS’ 2019 BATHROOM REMODEL By Jassi Chahal ETHICAL TREATMENT This is a satire article. OF HOUSEFLIES CLUB Sick of our dirty, icky, bathrooms? Tired of holding it all in until you go out for lunch, or even get home? UPDATE Only one sink where there are clearly supposed to be By Maggie Di Sanza two? What about walking into a stall, only to find the This is a satire article. entire floor covered in (mystery) liquid? Well, folks JMM’s Club for the Ethical Treatment of those days are over! This summer, the remodeling Houseflies has been up to a great deal recently! If of all of our school bathrooms will finally begin. It’s you have been living under a rock and didn’t get about….50 years overdue. Construction workers will a chance to check out all of their awesome work, demolish our old bathrooms and replace them with here’s what you missed: brand new ones that are suited for the rich! We are a For one, they had one of the largest-scale fund- public school, and we deserve the best of the best, right? raisers in JMM History on April 1st. Creatively The construction workers will replace our boring, titled, the fundraiser was called Funny Fly Fund- filthy, tiled floor with smooth stone, just like the floor raiser where they sold heart-shaped lockets with they have at Olive Garden. Each and every single one of the portrait of an oppressed house-fly in the center. the bathrooms will be expanded, so that you don’t wipe They raised over a thousand dollars in funds after your hiney on the stall door on your way out! We’re virtually every student and staff at Memorial sported all sick of the dirty toilets, too, and they’ll be getting a necklace to raise awareness for the cruel treatment replaced with golden seats! Because you know, why not of houseflies. The Sword and Shield was able to go all out? After this, we probably won’t see another interview some of the students who purchased said upgrade until 2089. necklaces, and they had nothing but praise for the We all know that one bathroom that’s supposed to have ETH Club! “What wonderful work they are doing!” two sinks. (WAIT-each bathroom is supposed to have “Nothing but the best for our house flies!” and “It two? We’ve been ripped off!) Whether it’s the upstairs warms my heart to see students taking action in girls bathroom or the downstairs boys bathroom, their communities!” were just a few of the words it’s time for all bathrooms to have an equal amount that were exchanged. All of the proceeds from this of sinks. But, since we have so much money (public fundraiser are going to be donated to the Housefly schools, am I right?) we will replace ALL of the sinks Rights Corporation stationed in Madison, Wis- with brand new top of the line appliances! They’ll have consin. Thanks to everyone for the success of that all the knobs in the right places, and faucets that don’t fundraiser! spill water everywhere. Doesn’t that sound amazing? The club has also been working on an adviso- And finally, who could forget about all those inci- ry presentation to the freshmen class of 2022. All dents, so scarring they are, where there was no TOI- throughout April, The Ethical Treatment of House- LET PAPER left in your stall? What are you supposed flies Club will be visiting freshman English classes to do? Never fear! Those boring, black, toilet paper to inform the youngest students at Memorial about dispensers will be replaced with automatic toilet paper the importance of respecting houseflies. All of the dispensers! Wave your hand when you need some and English teachers are excited for this venture, and we boom! Toilet paper at your service! It’s also a great way look forward to seeing what they come up with. not to waste toilet paper that you don’t end up using. Furthermore, ETH Club will be screening the Who likes seeing it all over the floors anyway? moving ‘A Bug’s Life’ this April 22nd in room And the final renovation will be on the vents! That 1,000,001 during lunch! You should definitely stop way, when naughty students are doing things they by to get a better insight on insect rights! shouldn’t be doing with substances they shouldn’t have, Hope you all have a great the entire school doesn’t have to know, and the janitors April and don’t forget to don’t have to shut down a bathroom for an entire week! attend Ethical Treatment Convenient for everyone, I may say. I don’t know about of Houseflies Club! you, but I’m super pumped for these renovations! 6 This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

3) Buy review books, but DON’T look at them. HOW TO PREPARE FOR Go to your local Barnes & Nobles & purchase a couple AP EXAMS of AP exam review books, such as Barron’s and the By Joylyn Gong Princeton Review. They’re great books to study from This is a satire article. that consist of rich review content that you learned from class. But wait, did you really think that you Ah yes, AP exam season, when over three million were going to do the problems in the book? Nope, all people across the nation pivot their focus to exceeding you have to do is grip the sides of the book, close your their expectations for their May assessments. There’s eyes and ~all~ of the information will be transferred a possibility that you, the reader, will be taking one to your brain. Never heard of this technique? or more this following month! Not sure how to Well, now you have! Don’t bother to do any of the thoroughly prepare? Don’t worry - this article is here problems, as you will be drained to the core. to provide you with four exceptional tips for you to get ready! 4) Throw away ALL of your class material. Due to the fast pace of all AP classes, a never ending 1) Make sure you get NO sleep on the day prior to amount of handouts will be distributed out to you. your exam. By the time it’s near AP exam season, a pile of sheets This may be new information to you, but sleep will be stacked on your desk full of problems of every can in fact erase all of your memory! If you’ve been chapter you covered. It’s a waste of space that will strenuously preparing, the last thing you would want deter you from reviewing for the exams. To solve this to obstruct your success of getting a high score of 1 problem, just pick up the nearest recycling bin and on the exam is for sleep to instantly make all of your toss them in there! knowledge disappear. Pull an all-nighter and walk into the exam room with your brain feeling as if it’s capable of the impossible. 2) DON’T eat anything for breakfast on the morning of your exam. Pretty self-explanatory, right? Based on the laws of physics, food would inevitably travel up towards your brain and suddenly halt the ability for you to think and perform well! You would be insane to think that breakfast would help. Cellular respiration? Glucose from food being stored in your body and breaking down to provide you energy? What a bunch of baloney! Enter the exam without a grain of food in your system. You don’t want what you ate for Now that you have read the complete guide to breakfast to be the only thing you’re thinking of when succeeding on your AP exams, you are set on the path reading those questions! to reaching that outstanding 1!

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This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com 7 APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

8 This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

YouTuber. Electronics provide entertainment so that HOW TO BE PRODUCTIVE you have motivation to study. Staring at a blank note- IN SCHOOL book is boring, so use those electronics to spice up your This is a satire article. study sessions! By Jessica Jiang Blast music. It is no secret that listening to music can help studying immensely, and the more, the mer- Have you ever experienced the dread of studying for rier, right? So turn your speakers up to at least 1000 a math test, realizing that you have no clue what the decibels to accelerate studying productivity. Beethoven’s jeepers your notes mean? Or maybe you have felt the 5th Symphony will surely do the trick; and if you are weight of the world crashing down when you figured lucky, you can become deaf just like the genius Beetho- out that the history final was tomorrow? ven himself! Well, if this is you, look no further! Here are 8 great Rather than forget tips for being productive during class and study sessions Cram the night before. what you reviewed three days ago, study it all at once! It so that you do not completely bomb your tests and send ensures that you pick up all of the content. Learning the your grades spiralling into oblivion. After all, no one night before actually helps you remember all the mate- wants a repeat of the Chapter 10 MathChem test…. rial since the test is just the next day, leaving no time for Do not take notes. Notes just become a confus- forgetting. ing mess. Although you have been taught to actively take good notes in class, this is a counterproductive idea. Do not plan out your study sessions. Planning your study sessions just burdens you to follow After all, you cannot be confused when studying if you through with them, and extra stress is never a good have nothing to be confused about! thing! You achieve more when motivated, so instead of Stop doing homework. It is merely a torture chasing studying motivation, let the studying motiva- mechanism employed by teachers to keep students from tion come to you. sleeping. What is the point of doing math problems, just If you are stuck on a prob- to forget them the next day? Stop asking for help. lem or cannot grasp a concept, do not ask your teachers Study somewhere with distractions. It is or friends for help. It is much more effective to figure vital to choose a good study space. Pick somewhere you it out yourself, because you will remember it quicker in will be easily distracted in, such as the mall, the dog park the future...if you ever are able to figure it out, that is. with adorable creatures that want to lick your hand, or With these tips in mind, you will surely succeed in all your comfy bed. With all those distractions around you, of the classes you are taking. Give them a go, and see for you learn to control the urges to stop studying. yourself the effectiveness of inactive work, loud distrac- Keep electronics near. Send snaps. Binge The tions, and poor planning! Office on your TV. Watch videos from your favorite This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com 9 APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

NEWS

PEEPS PLANT PERSONNEL PROSECUTED By Beatričė Naujalytė This is a satire article.

The beloved marshmallow chicks that are hitting store shelves may be hiding a dark and painful past under that bright and cheerful coating of Yellow #5. Since March, a group of undercover activists under the animal rights organization PETA (Peep Education for Tasteless Americans) has been capturing a wealth of incriminating footage from the Just Born company’s primary Peep factory in Bethlehem, PA. The candy company has been raising Peeps since 1953, but a shroud of secrecy has since enveloped the history of the producer of classic favorites like Mike and Ike and Hot Tamales. According to their website, the company “unfortunately” does not offer tours of their Peeps plants but ensures quality standards in the hatching and care of every one of their fluffy chicks. This may have been true in the days when the Peeps were raised by hand (bottle-fed and cuddled by plant personnel until the day they were old enough to be shipped to one of many distributors). With the new video evidence, however, it has become clear that the advent of modern assembly line-style technology has removed all semblance of compassion from the company’s methods. The appalling iPhone footage reveals Peeps being thrown in the trash for the tiniest of defects - an eye that is slightly askew, an uneven sugar coating, or a lopsided head. Additionally, the Peeps were found to be trapped in dark storage rooms for up to 48 hours at a time, seeing no hint of light until they were to be loaded onto a shipping truck. So far, four workers have been convicted of Peep cruelty and management claims they were unaware of the abuse happening on their own factory floor. They state that all employees are subjected to a rigorous 6-month training on the gentle and loving handling of Peeps prior to beginning their jobs. It is unclear what sort of a future this spells for the already controversial Peeps brand. We all remember the 2017 Twitter war that was sparked when someone innocently suggested using a Peep in place of a marsh- mallow when making s’mores. One can only guess at what sort of apocalypse may follow this shocking news.

10 This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

FOUR YEARS OF NO REASON TO NOT GET MARRIED By Leah Vredenbregt This is a satire article. On July 9, 2019, the nation will be celebrating the couple revealed after watching them struggle through four year anniversary of the Supreme Court ruling four years of marriage. that everyone has a right to marry who they love. Similarly, local gay man James Hart found himself This, however, caused problems for both straight and with no choice but to marry longtime beau Sam Flan- gay couples who thought they would never have to tie der once the Supreme Court voted for gay people to the knot. have marriage equality. Four years ago, local straight man Joe Marten was “I was never worried about having to commit be- thrilled to hear about marriage equality on June 26, cause I thought surely lawmakers would be homopho- 2015. However, then came the realization his lame ex- bic enough… sadly I was wrong” Hart lamented. Hart cuse for not marrying the “love of his life”, Eliza Dot, and Flander made it official one day later, on June 27, would fall apart. 2015 at city hall. “I never thought I would be happy “I had told her ‘babe, we can’t get married until EV- doing something that is typically done by straight peo- ERYONE can get married.’ I remember the call from ple, but I was wrong” reports Hart just a couple days her that night and how excited she was, and I tried before celebrating his four year wedding anniversary. to think of another good reason, but no excuse could If you are in need of a good reason to put off mar- ever be as good as ‘LGBTQ people deserve to get mar- riage because you feel the need to lead on an emo- ried too’” Marten painfully recalled. Since he no longer tionally vulnerable partner, a solid excuse is “wanting could think of a good excuse to not get married, Mar- to wait until gender equality”. We are centuries away ten and Dot tied the knot on November 9th, 2015. from that. “I mean, I guess they’re happy” a source close to the

DISCOVERING NEW MEXICAN DIRT $5 / GREATNESS ON NEW BAG! By Garrett Kennedy AMERICA This is a satire article. By Amira Pierotti Are you a blue blooded liberal looking for a little R&R This is a satire article. in these trying times? Maybe the usual sustainably-sourced Last Friday, the world heard two shocking piec- face mask with “fair trade” “heart healthy” dark chocolates es of news about the cosmos and humanity’s place from Trader Joes just aren’t enough of a Treat for yourself? in the universe. Firstly, scientists at NASA dis- Well down in New Mexico we have the answer! Introducing covered a habitable planet beyond the Kuiper Belt our new all natural, gluten free, single ingredient, magically which has fresh water in its liquid state. Secondly, rejuvenating New Mexican Dirt! Our company only employs President Trump’s Space Force was completed undocumented, American, black, hispanic, latinx, trans, gay, and its first mission is to this new planet. impoverished women, so rest assured, your snack is in the When NASA posted its research online, it failed most politically correct hands. to notice that the title of the planet “NEU AM- Our Dirt slides down even the most sensitive of throats, 3RQA” was autocorrected to “New America.” The to keep your mind and body running smoothly. Our product name caught on quickly and President Trump has been endorsed by democratic champion Beto O’Rourke, was very excited to have an entire planet to make who visited our great state to revitalize after an unfair loss great again. The Space Force fleet launched just against Ted Cruz. He liked it so much he grabbed a second minutes ago with President Trump himself on bag for his family! Buy your own today for $5 a bag - you Space Force One. NASA scientists are accompa- deserve it! (PS - the electoral college is NO FAIR) nying Trump to conduct research both about this new form of space travel and New America.

This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com 11 APRIL FOOLS’ 2019 THE EARTH IS FLAT??? By Jessica Jiang This is a satire article. NASA has officially published a breaking news erous pictures. They must be deleted off the face of the report on April 1, 2019. Through intense scientific re- Earth!” search and study, they have come to the conclusion that Finally, evidence for Earth’s flatness include the the Earth is, indeed, flat. obvious and simple fact that people have been report- Lead by their Head of the News Department, Elon ed falling off the edge of the planet since the dawn of Musk, NASA has done extensive fact-based research time. Mountaineers often cascade into abysses and into the curvature, or lack thereof, of the Earth. Com- crevices. But where do they go? Mr. Elongated Muskrat plex equations have been used to determine Earth’s elaborates that “those sharp cliffs are the edges of the flatness, including that of 훕hiഽ = Fake, where k is the flat Earth, where people slip off and tumble into space. constant of ignorance. Mr. Musket declares that “this Plenty of Pokémon Go players have made the stupid equation was the vital, final step in determining the mistake of walking off the edges of the planet, resulting disk shape of the Earth. in a headlong dive along the sharp, linear Here at NASA, we are cer- cliffs of Earth’s edges.” tain that the human popu- Some people claim that extensive sci- lation across the globe will entific and mathematical computations benefit from this newfound completely disprove the fact that the revelation.” Earth is flat. But little do they know that As further proof of the math and science are actually fake news, Earth’s flatness, Musk has conjured up by the government and taken the time to present aliens. “The reason for the unworldly IQs photos taken off the Inter- of prominent scientific and mathematical net depicting the Earth as researchers is that they are otherworld- a disk. He discovered these ly beings of round planets, disguised as phenomenally accurate pictures using high-tech equip- humans,” explains Mr. Musk. “They have ment, such as a database searcher recently named the attempted numerous times in the past to convince peo- R2D2BB8. He reports that “these photos are untouched, ple all around the globe that the Earth is round, when it unphotoshopped, and unfake because the Internet is was actually flat since its creation.” 100% reliable.” There are plenty of accurate pictures Mr. Musk illustrates an important point. We must taken of Earth that show the flatness of the world (see implement change so that schools teach the real science the link below for some of these discoveries). But what - or, truth rather, since science is fake - that the Earth is of the photos that show the Earth as being round? a disk, not a globe. Share this message around the world “Those are simply fake, and obviously government so that we can discover the reality behind the shape of propaganda,” Muskrat explains in a bold statement. our planet! “The only inaccuracies of the web are in those treach-

BOOK: WATCH OUT APPLE By Megan Li This is a satire article. Rumor has it that a new technology is on the brink of changing the world. This device is portable, char- ger-free, and made of 100% recyclable material. It can be used for education as well as recreation—and it’s appropriate for any and all age groups. The friendly user-interface guarantees a short learning period, but most will intuitively understand how to navigate the device in no time at all. World leaders are lauding the potential of this invention to fundamentally change the world, for it can spread ideas, make education more accessible, and reduce the achievement gap between low and high income groups. Furthermore, it’s relatively cheap to produce, and many cities already offer free rentals. The name of this revolutionary technology? The Book.

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NO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS WORLD WAR 3: By Maggie Di Sanza This is a satire article. WHAT HAPPENED & Daylight Savings Time (DST) was officially cancelled on HOW WE MISSED IT Sunday, March 10th, after Congress decided it would be best for By Daniel Wanak the nation. Daylight Savings is the practice of advancing clocks This is a satire article. during the winter months, so that evening daylight lasts longer, Unfortunately, World War 3 already hap- while sacrificing normal sunrise times. Typically, regions that pened. The U.S. government hid it all. Let me use daylight savings time adjust their clocks forward towards run down what happened with you. the start of spring. Today, our foreign policies have grown Not this year! The United States has officially decided to stop weak. They no longer work with the new and partaking in Daylight Savings Time in an effort to cater to the more hostile nations rising in our society. We needs of the American population. know this due to the situations in the Middle They made this ruling with three justifications: East, Russia, and North Korea. However, none of those countries even exist anymore. Fur-

1. Daylight Savings Time is detrimental to thermore, here in America, the first amend- health. ment, containing the freedom of the press, was Changing sleep patterns, even by one hour, against a person’s revoked. Our president was given emergency natural circadian rhythms has negative consequences for health. power, and he could have declared Martial law One study found that the risk of a heart attack increases by 800% on the US as a whole, but what he would do the Monday and Tuesday following the spring time change. could cost him severely. Researchers have even found an increase in headaches, asthma, So while the United States citizens relaxed idiocy, and ignorance among those who change their sleep pat- and had a good time, what they didn’t know terns during daylight savings time. PhD James Wyatt, Associ- was that their own military was committing ate Professor at Rush University Medical Center, explains that genocide in these countries, turning to our “We’re encountering an increase in extra auto and workplace allies like Britain, France, Canada, and others accidents on Monday or perhaps even carrying through the first for troops and resources. week of the Spring time shift.” In the weeks following the spring Trump wanted to end this madness. Our DST time shift, suicide rates rose by 40% in the United States! nuclear weapons that we have been saving due 2. Daylight Savings Time drops productivity, to many arms races were to put into use and and as a consequence, our economy. we bombed our enemies. There’s a reason why The Monday after the spring time change is called ‘Sleepy we have a travel ban in certain places; they Monday’ as it is one of the most sleep-deprived days of the year. don’t exist anymore. Kim Jong Un and Putin There’s an increase in laziness among students and workers. are simply political propaganda. We should not Employees are 16 times more likely to arrive late to work, and fall for the government’s tricks. people are 23 times more likely to remain in the house, leading This information was sent to us by daring to a decrease in our economy’s well being, the wellbeing of peo- reporters who found a secret file named “Oper- ple, and mental health disorders. ation: Warfare”. Ever since, the President has 3. Daylight Savings Time is expensive. denied any questions directing to this file. But William F. Shughart II, PhD, Economist at Utah State Uni- he cannot undo what we have done. versity, explains that the simple act of changing clocks costs We cannot just stand by. Our government Americans $1.7 billion in lost opportunity based on average has grown too corrupt. We must overthrow hourly wages, meaning that the ten or so minutes spent mov- them and their terrible tactics! Take back ing clocks, watches and devices forward and backward could be our ideals before it’s taken from us! We are a spent on something more productive. republic, not a dictatorship! We are the people! No matter your stance on this new ruling, know not to turn This nation is for the people! Our country will your clock back this Summer! lose its ideals and the things that make it spe- cial once our president declares martial law!

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PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP IMPEACHED PRESIDENTBy TRUMPMaggie Di Sanza IMPEACHED By Maggie Di Sanza This is a satire article.

On Monday, April 1st, President Donald J. Trump Trump starred in a McDonald’s commercial. In the was impeached, acting as the third president - alongside 2002 spot, Trump tells Grimace of his amazement over Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton - to be removed by the $1 Big N’ Tasty. “I don’t know how you do it. I put Congress. The most shocking aspect to this impeach- together some really impressive deals. But this thing ment was not the act itself, but rather the reasoning for you pulled off … it’s amazing,” he says in the advertise- doing so. This time, Trump’s relations with Russia did ment. “How do you do it? What’s your secret?” not cause the controversy, nor did his love of Twitter; It was only when Trump his the campaign trail and instead, it was his appreciation for fast food. eventually won the presidential election that his own On January 14th, 2019, President Trump served fast eating habits became widely documented. A 2016 Daily food to the Clemson Tigers to celebrate their Nation- Mail article noted that he bought Burger King for his al Championship win. He made a promise that the private plane’s crew members “because it’s quick.” A victorious team would be served with a spread of 300 Boston Herald reporter saw the same thing one year hamburgers, pizza, french fries, McNuggets, salads, and later, only this time it was McDonald’s with Trump silver trays filled with nugget sauce. “I wanna see what eating a burger. Again in 2017, the Republican shared we have when we leave, I don’t think there’s gonna be a smiling photo of him aboard a plane chowing down much,” Trump reported to NBC. on a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Some reporters Trump paid for the meal out of his own pocket, have even sighted that, “two Big Macs, two Fillet-O- as the government shutdown kept furloughed work- Fish and a chocolate malted” was his typical dinner. ers from preparing a meal. “The reason we did this is Apparently, Trump serving the winning Clemson because of the shutdown,” Trump claimed. “We want team entirely fast food, was too much for Congress. “He to make sure everything is right, so we sent out and we has served his last fast food meal,” Alexandria Oca- got this.” sio-Cortez told NBC. This was not the first time Trump has expressed his On March 17th, the United States Senate decided interest and love for fast food. When asked about his unanimously that Trump’s unhealthy antics were harm- preference between McDonald’s and Wendy’s, Trump ful to those visiting the White House, and the entirety reported, “I like ‘em all. It’s American, I like it, its all of the American population. He was charged with American stuff, but it’s good stuff.” behavior grossly incompatible with the proper function In fact, long before he began a career in politics, and purpose of the office.

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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT QUICK MOVIE SUMMARIES By Maggie Di Sanza and Beatrice Naujalyte This is a satire article. Now that we are more than a quarter of the way through 2019, it’s time to catch up on some of the big movies you may have missed from the end of last year up to now. Make yourself a bowl of popcorn, choose a couple of titles from the list of movies we’ve kindly summarized for you in thirty-six words or less, and settle in for a movie night.

The Favourite A Star is Born A post-apocalyptic thriller in which millions of National Geographic’s first feature-length film of civilians, brainwashed by Marie Kondo’s 2019 brings a tear to the eye, covering the birth of a minimalism techniques, have reduced their belong- star from the very first fusion reaction to its ings down to only a singular item. full-fledged burning glory.

Green Book Five Feet Apart A stay-at-home dad and passionate hobby gardener Have you ever been in an awkward situation where braves the brutalities of the publishing world as he you are conversing with a person who is way too struggles to release his first book. close? Ever wanted to tell them to take five steps backwards? Learn how!

Us Call Me By Your Name If you liked the first season of Netflix’s psychological Young Arthur is struggling with a personality disor- thriller, You, you’ll like the movie sequel, Us, even der, and feels the need to have others address him as better. a variety of names when speaking to him.

The Room House Hunters has evolved from a television series to a full length-film, where instead of searching for the perfect house, people on a budget scan through apartment buildings for the abode that they dislike the least.

TIC TAC TOE!

This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com 15 APRIL FOOLS’ 2019 HOROSCOPES By Daniel Wanak This is a satire edition of the horoscopes.

Libra (Sep Scorpio (Oct Sagittarius Capricorn 23-Oct 22): 23-Nov 21): (Nov 22-Dec (Dec 22-Jan 21): 19): Plan out The stars your say that You plan You are a assignments on your there is at least one on eating dinner failure. Fortunately, school planner, or so person in this school with your family you are not as much they say. Remember, you hate, but you today, as you would of a failure as the teachers don’t shouldn’t do any- on any other day. everyone else around rule over you, the thing regardless. you. Continue what stars do. you’re doing.

Aquarius Pisces (Feb Aries Taurus (Jan 20-Feb 19-March (March (April 20- 18): 20): 21-April May 20): 19): Plan on Today Today you drinking some for lunch, you might You might take a will plan on getting water today. Be bring an apple. Then hike with your up, doing a bunch aware of your you will go back to family this weekend. of stuff, then going amount of home- your schoolwork. back to sleep. work.

Gemini Cancer Leo (July 23- Virgo (Aug (May 21- (June 21- Aug 22): 23-Sep 22): June 20): July 22): The stars Enjoy Enjoy time I love predict… your with your friends you. I am happy to nothing. Therefore school day today, be today, and also eat a wish you a happy you MUST DO… aware of your sandwich. spring. nothing. current grades.

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SPORTS SPORTS MOMENTS THAT I WISH WERE FAKE By Lily Lowndes 1) The Double Doink It was the doink heard ‘round the world. , the former kicker for the Bears, has gone down in infa- my. In the January 6th game against the , Parkey did the unthinkable. The Bears were down one point with less than a minute left in the fourth quarter. The only viable option was a 43 yd . The kicker had made successful kicks from over 50 yds away, so why was everyone nervous? Well, as the sportscaster announced before the kick, Parkey was “the second worst kicker in the NFL”. He had missed 6 kicks so far in the season, and even more surprising, 4 of those kicks hit the field goal posts. When Parkey stepped up to kick, the stadium went quiet. Despite Parkey making the kick, the Eagles called a strategic time out before he made contact in an attempt to ice him out, and it worked. The kick hit the side post and the connecting bar before landing on the opposite side of the goal. With that, commentator Cris Col- linsworth coined the cringey term “double doink”, and Parkey became the worst kicker in the NFL. Adding insult to injury, Chicago’s Goose Island Brewery decided to set up a field goal contest, to see if anyone could make a 43 yd kick. Over 100 people entered, and luckily for Parkey, they were all unsuccessful. In the end it wasn’t all that bad for Parkey. He was the real winner of the contest, as he got to donate the $20,000 in proceeds to a charity of his choice. 2) Basketball to the Face Giannis “the Greek Freak” Antetokounmpo and James “the One With the Beard” Harden are two of the NBA’s best. As of right now, they are the two top contenders for league MVP. In an early 2019 match-up between the Houston Rockets and the Milwaukee Bucks, Giannis made a move to take out his competition. The 6’ 11” power forward whipped the ball across the court in an attempted pass to teammate Malcolm Brogdon. Unfortunately, the pass was incomplete, as it con- nected with Harden’s face before making it to Brogdon. Mak- ing the play even funnier, the pass rebounded off of Harden’s head back to Giannis, who passed it to Ersan Ilyasova for a successful 3 pt shot. 18 18 APRIL FOOLS’ 2019 3) Rich People Problems This sports moment is unfortunately a lot less light- hearted than the previous two. Breaking news has come out in relation to college admission scammers. Rich people and D- List celebrities have been bribing and cheating their kids’ ways into prestigious colleges in a more straightforward way than usual: through sports. In an effort to guarantee admittance to these high-end colleges and universities, they bribed coaches to “recruit” their kids for athletics. In most cases, the kids were recruited for less common sports, such as sailing, or crew. Oftentimes, the kid had never even played said sport they were recruited for. Everything was a lie; their stats and experience in the sport were all fabricated. In this scandal, pretty much everyone took the L. Celebrities’ reputations were ruined, kids were exposed for getting into school through cheating, and the universities involved had to take a step back Lori Loughlin, one of those charged in the scandal, with daugh- and look at the types of people they were admitting. ters Olivia Jade Giannulli (left) and Isabella Rose Giannulli.

MY COMMITMENT TO THE NBA By Lily Lowndes This is a satire article. Hello everyone. I am proud to announce that I have done the unthinkable. After spending countless hours on the court, I am now a certified member of the National Basketball Association. How did I do this, you ask? Read on to find out. Some people may be questioning this announcement. After posting my official statement on Instagram, my comments were flooded with haters. They said really cruel things like “you weren’t even on the basketball team” or “you didn’t even do a sport this year” or “I’ve legit never seen you go in the gym”. Um, yeah right. I wasn’t on the basketball team, that much is true, but I have definitely been going to the gym. I’ve used it as a shortcut to the cafeteria many times during my four years at Memorial! As for the other allegations- no comment. Whether you agree with my recruitment or not, you cannot deny its historic significance. I am the shortest player of all time, breaking the previous record of 5’3” by one inch. I am also obviously the coolest person to ever join the NBA, which rest assured, is a record that won’t be broken anytime soon. With me in the mix, the ‘19-’20 season will be the best one yet!

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OPINIONS

need the news, it is worth little to nothing, and should WHY NOT TO READ THE have absolutely zero impact on your life! The news is NEWS literally toxic to your body! It constantly triggers the By Maggie Di Sanza limbic system, where panic spurs the release of cortisol, This is a satire article. which deregulates your immune system and inhibits the release of growth hormones. Your body finds itself With all of the horrific events that have happened in a state of stress, where you face the side effects of in the past two and a half years, I am sure that we all impaired digestion, lack of growth, nervousness, and have felt incredibly helpless when scanning through susceptibility to infections.Reading the news also in- the news. Upon reading a single article title, I am re- creases cognitive errors. The more your are faced with minded of the horrors that our global wellbeing faces; the realities of our world, a part of your brain shuts off from climate change, to political polarization, to mass for two hours - making it almost impossible to be men- shootings, it is hard to remain positive when faced tally and intellectually present at your work, in classes, with our world’s current events. You have heard all of or any sort of social interaction. Furthermore, news is the emotional tips: Don’t let it control your emotions! like a drug. As stories develop, we want to know how Do your best to make change in your community! they continue and end. With hundreds of arbitrary Have conversations! While this is decent advice, its story headlines, this craving only increases and is com- powers prove useless for the majority of people. So, I pellingly hard to ignore. Scientists have reported that have come up with a foolproof way to not let the news the more news we consume, the more the 100 billion drag you down: just, ignore it. That’s right! You don’t neurons inside our skulls lose connection.

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This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com 21 APRIL FOOLS’ 2019 WHY CLICKBAIT IS GOOD By Shruti Sathish This is a satire article. Clickbait is all about generating traffic; and, no, not the kind on the roads! Rather, clickbait is a marketing tool frequently used by businesses and influencers, such as celebrities, Youtu- bers, and social media stars, to attract a greater number of visi- tors to their content. Through catchy titles and headlines such as “Man Attempts to Hug Lion: You Won’t Believe What Happens Next!” and “Celebrity Secrets to Perfect Skin: Click to Learn More” that spur curiosity in viewers and encourage them to “click” on the content, users are able “bait” viewers into helping them gain a larger audience. Here are five reasons why clickbait is good for those who take the bait: 1 PROCRASTINATION: When you have three tests and an English paper due the next day and really don’t want to do anything school-re- lated, binging on clickbait content is your best bet! You can convince yourself that you were ‘trying’ to stay productive, and that it was clickbait’s fault for making you lose focus. 2 HAVE SOMETHING INTERESTING TO SHARE WITH FRIENDS: When you want your friends to know how cool you are- but you don’t have anything interesting going on in your life - share about the clickbait you recently viewed. But make sure to use clickbait-style language when talking about it. Instead of saying, “I watched a video where a man was supposed to hug a lion,” own up to the video’s clickbait title and say, “I watched a video where a man hugged a lion!!” 3 INCREASED AWARENESS OF POP CULTURE: Sometimes, clickbait will give you insider information that even the subject it was referring to wasn’t aware of. If you read “Taylor Swift Running for Office 2020: Read to Learn More!”, be proud that you are learning this information even before Taylor Swift herself. THE ENTERTAINING COMMENTS SECTION: 4 More attention-grabbing than the clickbait content itself, is viewers’ reactions to the clickbait. Scroll down to the comments section to gain exposure to the emotional whirlwind taking place. You are sure to be entertained!

5 INSPIRATION FOR YOUR OWN CLICKBAIT: What better way to gain inspiration on ways to expand your audience than from other clickbait! When you learn that phrases like “you won’t believe this happened” or “click to discover the secret” capture people’s attention, you can use them to your own benefit on social media. Your next photo on Instagram can be captioned: “You won’t believe what happened: double tap to discover my secrets...” 22 This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com APRIL FOOLS’ 2019

THE BEST DIET FOR LOSING WEIGHT By Megan Li This is a satire article. Within a month, you’ll be consuming under 1000 cal- Keto, paleo, vegan… with new diet trends popping ories a day which is sure to guarantee quick results! up right and left, it can be hard to know which diet The other way to lose weight is to burn calories, is superior when it comes to losing weight. After all, and this can be done by increasing metabolism (ex- everyone’s body is different and individual genes can ercise never works). As everyone knows, fast food also affect metabolism, so there’s no universal diet that is loaded with unknown substances, chemicals, and works best for everyone, right? WRONG! There is preservatives to increase shelf-life and enhance taste. one diet - and one diet only - that has been scientifical- However, the side effect of loading the body with ly proven to help people of all body types lose weight. chemicals is more calories get burned. Thus consum- It may seem counterintuitive, but the number one ing fast food will help boost metabolism and result in ranked diet in the world, and the one touted by celeb- weight loss. rities like Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid, is in fact the Clearly, the Fast Food Diet is a win-win when it Fast Food Diet. As everyone knows, the key to losing comes to losing weight because it decreases intake of weight is eating less calories than calories while increasing the rate at which the body you burn. The Fast Food Diet is sure to help you burns calories. Furthermore, with multinational achieve that, for ALL fast food taste like grease, salt, chains like McDonald’s and KFC, anyone in the world and sugar. If you stick to this diet for breakfast, lunch can stick to this diet. Keto, paleo, and vegan? Move and dinner, you’ll soon get bored of the monotonous over for the king of diets: fast food. flavor, and you’ll find yourself eating less and less.

FRESHMEN ARE AN FRESHMEN MUST BE BANNED IMPORTANT PART OF By Brynn Sailing This is a satire article. HIGH SCHOOL We’ve all thought it at some point or another: Freshmen By Brynn Sailing are obtrusive, unsafe, rowdy, and altogether unnecessary This is a satire article. for a successful and enjoyable high school career. Multi- As much as we are all aware of the deficits ple sources have done research to prove that freshmen do of having freshmen attending James Madison nothing but clutter the hallways of high schools. Banning Memorial High School, they are necessary for a all freshmen from attending James Madison Memorial functioning, healthy school community. With- High School would increase the collective intelligence, age, out freshmen, a solid amount of teachers from maturity, and school spirit of the remaining student body. each department would be out of the job, as Freshmen are shown to be less intelligent, and commonly there would be far less rowdy students to teach. more vertically challenged, and generally more aggra- Additionally, there would be much less pop- vating to the average teacher than any other grade. In ulation in each of the clubs and organizations addition to being dumb, freshmen create a huge physical that the school runs, ultimately resulting in less detriment to the school’s community. The sheer volume of fundraising money that goes towards the stu- freshmen attending high school every year is only hurting dent body, as well as various other communal the school by filling up 1/4th of the hallways, bathrooms, charities. Plus, with the entire freshmen grade and cafeteria. One of the most inconvenient and ineffi- eradicated and banned from the school, the psy- cient aspects of allowing freshmen to attend high school is chological inferiority complex would fall to the the way they walk in the hallways. Numerous studies have sophomores. This would eventually result in shown that freshmen walk far too slowly in the halls, and far more bullying and emotional damage, and still don’t understand the proper flow of traffic. possibly a cross-student body revolution.

This is fake news. For this month’s real news, visit www.jmmswordandshield.com 23 SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SAT- IRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SAT- IRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SAT- IRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE SATIRE SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SAT- IRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SAT- IRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SAT- IRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE24 - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SAT- IRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE - SATIRE -