By Barbara Bensoussan
E-mail can also speed up the matching process. “Everyone today has a shidduch resume, and everything Shidduchim can be e-mailed,” says Margie Pensak, a shadchan in Baltimore, Maryland. Cell phones also speed up response times. “Singles are sending texts to Go High-Tech the shadchan, and in some circles, tex- ting each other echnological developments are a button and I see the after becom- often aimed at solving the whole profile,” she says. ing ac- Tworld’s great problems: feeding Recently described by quainted,” she the hungry, reversing global warming, Time magazine as a “leg- says. No more curing disease. But what about the end in the matchmaking frustrating re- world’s most pressing problem, at world,” Weinberg, who peated at- least from a Jewish mother’s point of sets up about 300 dates tempts to get view: the “shidduch crisis”? per week, sifts through in touch with a Dr. Tova Weinberg, an exuberant retired dentist who is the shadchan- in-chief of SawYouAtSinai.com (SYAS), has been matching up people Recently described by Time magazine as a since she got married—thirty-two “legend in the matchmaking world,” Tova Weinberg years to date. The first twenty-three has made more than 200 matches. years, she says, were spent making shidduchim the traditional way—of- fline. “It was much harder the old- the SYAS database shadchan or a date—today people are fashioned way,” says Weinberg. “I from her home in Pittsburgh, reachable anytime, anywhere. had to be given all the references, call Pennslyvania. Online communication also allows them all up. It used to take two weeks “If I’m familiar with one of the singles to cast a wider net, fishing to set up one match! Now, I just push parties already, I can call and pro- from a cyberpool of potential mates pose [the match] to the other [party] throughout the country and even in Barbara Bensoussan has worked as a right away,” says Weinberg. “I’m other countries. “I can now get infor- university instructor and a social worker, making one call instead of 500 before mation on a shidduch from a foreign and currently writes for Jewish newspa- I get that first ‘yes.’” Weinberg has country in minutes,” Pensak says. pers and magazines. Her most recent made more than 200 marriages in Traveling to meet a prospective novel is A New Song (Southfield, Michi- the three decades she’s been in the shidduch who lives far away used to gan, 2007). matchmaking business.
54 I JEWISH ACTION Spring 5771/2011 No more frustrating repeated attempts to get in touch with a shadchan or a date—today people NPWFUP are reachable anytime, anywhere. )PVTUPO 59 involve a substantial investment of time and money, a risky investment by anyone’s standards. “You could pay ),(<;0-<369;/6+6?*644<50;@ for a chasunah with what you spent traveling, trying to meet the right guy!” says Jeff Cohn of the MakeAShid- .9,(;30-,:;@3,(5+(--69+()3,/64,: duch Foundation. Threey years ago he launched Shid- duchVision, a program that allows couples to meet via /V\Z[VU;?VMMLYZZL]LYHSRVZOLYYLZ[H\YHU[Z teleconferencing (screens are set up in private homes so UVZ[H[LPUJVTL[H_[OLSHYNLZ[TLKPJHSJLU[LYPU couples can “date” without exhaust- [OL^VYSKHUKH[OYP]PUNLJVUVT` ing their bank accounts or vacation days). ShidduchVision works the same way as Skype, but the image is ;<0;065(;96),9;4),9,5(*(+,4@ larger and crisper. Couples pay a H@LZOP]H
personal ads.” Now, over ten years later, the stigma is LT\UHJHYTLS'ILYLUHJHKLT`VYN pretty much gone, he says. Z[`LHY UK`LHY With more than 33,000 participants and 300 shad- chanim, SYAS, founded in 2003, already boasts over VMM VMM 1,000 engaged couples. SYAS profiles are available only to the site’s matchmakers until a shidduch is set up. Ac- cording to Chana, a single at Stern College for Women in New York, the SYAS profiles she sees usually contain more information than those she gets when she’s set up the more traditional way. However, since theshad- chanim don’t know the parties personally, the matches suggested, she says, sometimes have a random “skirt- meets-pants feel.” -69469,05-694(;065! “I have received a few on-target matches through ZZ[LPUILYN'ILYLUHJHKLT`VYN _ SYAS,” Chana admits, “and have communicated with a matchmaker who put in effort to get to know my prefer- ences . . . Experiences vary; some people have men- ^^^TV]PUN[VOV\Z[VUVYN tioned getting over a hundred [suggested] matches over
Spring 5771/2011 JEWISH ACTION I 55 the course of a couple of years [on screening procedures to try and make “In a successful marriage, it is im- SYAS] and going out with less than ten sure participants are really who they portant that there be differences be- of those. It all depends on the individ- say they are. tween the two partners . . . if two ual and on the matchmaker he or she Ben Rabizadeh, Frumster’s CEO, people are exactly the same, what chooses.” She acknowledges that the points out that his web site checks into benefit is there in marriage?” writes large SYAS database has the advantage the applicants. “We look for clues to Rabbi Yisroel Reisman of Agudath Is- of allowing her to meet people beyond make sure people are rael of Madison in Brooklyn. He pro- her immediate social circles. Jewish, and check into poses that the best ezer kenegdo, like The popular site Frumster.com their communities. We the best chavrusa, is one who is will- does not use shadchanim, which suits also charge a fee, which ing to disagree, because only through Yitz just fine. Once you’ve joined the helps cut out people who working out differences and comple- site, you’re free to browse the profiles aren’t serious. Our par- menting each other’s strengths and and send messages to anyone. Yitz ticipants are also quick to play ‘Jewish weakness can one grow as a married likes the way the progressive get- geography,’ calling around to check person (Pathways of the Prophets out potential dates.” [Bklyn, NY, 2009]). “Facebook is the future Frumster boasts 19,000 members and has resulted in some 1,786
of online dating.” Often Words Aren’t Enough
matches since it was founded in Like the curtain screening The Wizard
ting-to-know-you process on Frum- 2001. But of Oz, the anonymity of the Internet ster allows him to sort through isn’t all that allows people to hide behind their prospects on his own. “There is a com- choice over- computer screens. This may be an ad- munication process,” he says. “Frum- whelming? vantage for the socially reticent, who ster messages, then moving to private “That’s true may find it hard to make a good im- e-mail, and then to the phone before of technol- pression in crowded, noisy singles actually going on a date—there is ogy in gen- gatherings, or on a first date. Online enough of an opportunity to rule out eral,” says Rabizadeh. “There are too meetings allow more subtle strengths someone who might not be appropri- many options and some people end up to shine through at a slower pace, and ate for you.” paralyzed.” A myriad of options may the anonymity emboldens a greater But there’s always a danger that also create the illusion that with just freedom of expression. But such con- online profiles can be misleading. “I enough online “shopping,” one should versations may also turn out to be mis- heard a story about a woman who met be able to find the perfect mate the leading in fact. The single who seemed a man through a Jew- same way one clicks around looking so dashing online may become awk- ish dating site,” Pen- for a perfect pair of shoes. ward and tongue-tied in person, re- sak, the Baltimore Online dating checklists are obvi- ducing virtual chemistry into shadchan, relates. ously designed to save time and face-to-face fizzle. Conversely, people “She later discovered, after the rela- heartache by eliminating unsuitable who are less eloquent on a keyboard tionship got serious, that the man prospects from the get-go. But while it may actually sparkle in person. wasn’t even Jewish! For whatever makes sense to steer clear of wildly in- Obviously, in-person meetings are reason, he wanted to meet a Jewish appropriate matches, it is also possible essential to establish whether there’s woman, so he went onto those sites.” that looking for perfect compatibility enough attraction for a relationship to Many Orthodox sites have instituted may be counterproductive. develop. “The dating sites help with
56 I JEWISH ACTION Spring 5771/2011 networking, speed and matching people up based on the e Next Stage criteria they specify,” says Dr. Efrat Sobolofsky, director of Even after a couple meets, technology can help or hinder YUConnects, a site that partners with SYAS exclusively for the course of true love. The guy who’s running late for a Yeshiva University students. “Face-to-face is always better.” date can use a cell phone to warn the young woman there’s It is also better because disembodied words leave out a traffic jam on New York's FDR Drive; but their date may crucial nonverbal input. Electronic communication is lim- flop if, instead of turning off their cell phones, both are con- ited to words, modish abbreviations (LOL, gr8) and the oc- stantly interrupted by messages and calls. casional emoticon, so that all-important contextual cues “Today, focus is a big challenge in all our relationships,” such as body language and tone of voice are Rabizadeh says. “It takes self-control and discipline.” absent. “I had an interesting evening” And when snags arise on the path to the chuppah, Dr. comes across very differently when accom- Sobolofsky advises that texting should not be a substitute panied by a wide smile and enthusiastic for talking things out. “People are relying more and more tone of voice compared to a raised eye- on texting,” she says, “but it can downplay former ways brow and ironic tone. of communication.” “I find there’s a lot of room for misunderstanding New technologies have great potential to help Jewish when a guy sends me an IM or a text,” says Rivky, a single mothers solve the shidduch crisis. But, as always, there’s from Manhattan’s Upper West Side. “Sometimes it’s hard a caveat: electronic communication can serve as the to tell if a person is being sincere or sarcastic, or just mak- prelude—but never the substitute—for authentic live ing a joke.” human relationships. “The other problem with online chatting,” says Yaacov, a twenty-five-year-old single from Queens, New York, “is that couples find it easier to discuss important issues on- Statement of Ownership, Management and Circulation line—which doesn’t help them learn how to communicate in person.” Publication Title: Jewish Action. 2. Publication No. 0447-7049. 3. Filing Date: Octo- ber 11, 2010. 4. Issue Frequency: Quarterly. 5. No. of Issues Published Annually: Five. 6. Annual Subscription Price: $16.00. 7. Complete Mailing Address of Known Facing Facebook: e Future of Online Dating? Office of Publication: Orthodox Union, 11 Broadway, NY, NY, 10004. 8. Complete Despite the complaints that meeting online permits too Mailing Address of Headquarters or General Business Office of Publisher: Same. 9. much anonymity, the opposite also sometimes holds true— Full Names and Complete Mailing Addresses of Publisher, Editor and Managing Edi- at least for those with Facebook pages. tor: Publisher: Orthodox Union, 11 Broadway, NY, NY, 10004. Editor: Nechama “When you allow a date to see your Facebook page,” Carmel, 11 Broadway, NY, NY, 10004. Managing Editor: David Frankel, 11 Broadway, NY, NY, 10004. 10. Owner: Orthodox Union, 11 Broadway, NY, NY, 10004. 11. Known says Rabizadeh, Frumster’s CEO, “it strips away the mys- Bondholders, Mortgagees, and Other Security Holders Owning or Holding 1 Percent tery of slowly getting to know each other. All of a sudden or More of Total Amount of Bonds: None. 12. Tax Status (For completion by non- you see all the person’s photos, all her friends and favorites. profit organizations authorized to mail at nonprofit rates): The purpose, function, and You can start feeling like a number, like just one friend amid nonprofit status of this organization and the exempt status for federal income pur- her hundred or five hundred Facebook ‘friends.’” poses has not changed during the preceding 12 months. 13. Publication Title: Jew- ish Action. 14. Issue Date for Circulation Data Below: August 10, 2010. Like stand-alone text, photos give only a partial repre- 15. Extent and nature of circulation: Average No. Copies Each Issue No. Copies of Single Issue sentation of a person. A single frozen image cannot convey During Preceding 12 Months Published Nearest to a person’s winsome way of speaking, savvy dressing style, Filing Date a. Total No. Copies (Net Press Run) 19,340 17, 410 or other real-life attractions. But even the “likes” and b. Paid and/or Requested Circulation 13,402 13,019 (1) Paid/Requested Outside-Country 12,810 12,547 “friends” listed on Facebook may lead to misunderstanding. Mail Subscriptions Stated on Form 3541 “There’s just too much information available,” says Dr. (2) Paid In-Country Subscriptions 0 0 Stated on Form 3541 Sobolofsky. “Young people go to a Facebook page and start (3) Sales Through Dealers and Carriers, 50 50 making generalizations based on the likes and friends that Street Vendors, Counter Sales, and Other Non-USPS Paid Distribution are listed, and then sometimes eliminate people too fast.” (4) Other Classes Paid Through the USPS 542 422 c. Total Paid and/or Requested Circulation 13,402 13,019 But others find the networking and availability of infor- [Sum of 15b. (1), (2), (3), and (4)] mation offered by Facebook to be an asset. “Over the past d. Free Distribution by Mail 0 0 (1) Outside Country as Stated on Form 3541 0 0 year or so Facebook has started to become a great place to (2) In-Country as Stated on Form 3541 0 0 meet other singles,” says Yitz. “It’s a much more relaxed at- (3) Other Classes Mailed Through the USPS 0 0 e. Free Distribution Outside the Mail 450 450 mosphere, and it’s all about networking. f. Total Free Distribution 450 450 (Sum of 15d. and 15e.) I have had numerous Facebook friends g. Total Distribution suggest matches for me . . . On Facebook, (Sum of 15c. and 15f.) 13,852 14,021 h. Copies Not Distributed 5, 488 3, 389 you can ‘friend’ someone and get a real i. Total flavor for who she is . . . You can see pic- (Sum of 15g. and h.) 19, 340 17, 410 j. Percent Paid and/or Requested Circulation tures of her vacations along with what (15c. divided by 15g. times 100) 97% 97% her hobbies and passions are. It’s much 16. Publication of Statement of Ownership required. Will be printed in the spring 2011 issue of this publi- easier to approach potential dates, especially when you cation. 17. Signature and Title of Editor, Publisher, Business Manager, or Owner: Anthony Lugo. Date: March 14, 2011 have mutual friends in common.” “Facebook is the future of online dating,” Yitz contends.
Spring 5771/2011 JEWISH ACTION I 57