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Current (2000s) Student Newspapers

3-30-2009

Current, March 30, 2009

University of Missouri-St. Louis

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March 30, 2009

-.~,·_:"'\, ..W~ ... W OUJME:j2,ISSUE 1276 INSIDE , [LA • Science building collapses under the outstanding pressure of the economic climate

DINO CZAR ATTACK Read more .. next week. Maybe, actually, most likely not because we will all be dead by then.

SLUM Celebrates Men's History month The girls may not like it, but lets face the truth boys, we 'deserve every blessing because we have penises. word. See page 6 Jack in the Crack is Yummy.

Its 3:00 in the morning and you are dying for some tacos, two Sourdough Jacks and some curly fries. Who you gonna call?

See page 8 SLUM em fOOTBALL TEAM. Just Kidding. Do you even really want a football team? Would that By BANANATREE CURRENT lease a comment. student saying. "This project has been board approved the sale of approxi­ man will be missed. There will be a really help anything? Peon Onlookers said that when the heading the recommendations board mately S350 million in student loans memorial service held and the new student slammed the door the entire for years, the problem has been the in order to finance the initiative. building will be named after him. The Friday before spring break be­ building shook and then crumbled., money, which looked to be forthcom­ The Leif Ericsson and Columbus This young man loved his classes gan, the Benton-Stadler building col­ "just like in the videogames." A ing from the MOHEL\ deal, how­ Discovery Initiative provided backing enough to go to them even when no lapsed. Luckily there were no fatali­ Chemistry major even made the com­ ever that fell through. This was the for about 30 different projects across one else did. Let us commemorate his ties as it was the last day before spring ment that this would teach the admin­ evitable consequence after so many 14 Missouri public universities, memory with a new building made break, and almost nobody bothered to istration. He said., "The administra­ years in ne.ed." This initiative was halted when with the contributions of his loved show up for class anyway. tion has been pushing off renovations The funding Burlap refers to is part Go v. Vixen took office to settle a ones and admirers. ' Once informed Cause for the building's collapse on the Science Complex for a long of the Leif Ericsson and Columbus long-standing feud between Vixen that the aforementioned young man ON THE WEB is said to be from a door slam. The time and now they are paying for it. Discovery Initiative that canle into and Dooby, and due to- the fact that did not perish in the collap e, Jorge door was slammed by _the only fresh­ I hope it is really expensive, so that being in 2007 through the passing of the money never truly existed. said, off the record, ~Well there goes men biology major to actually show they learn their lesson." SB389, championed by fomler Gov. SLUM's chancellor, Tomas Jorge, that silver lining." -~f ~t~lgnant up for class. The student wished to Dean Burlap, Dean of the College Dooby. The Missouri Higher Edu­ released a statement saying, "This Gov. Vixen's office was not Web poll results: remain anonymous and refused to re- of Arts and Science contradicts the cation Loan Authority (yl0HELA) truly is a great tragedy, the young reached for comments. No one tried. Do you think beer machines will improve students' performance? CORP. DO ATIONS LAYOFFS Beer machines SLUM officials get soon to enrich drunk, fire everyone

SLUM students' By ALEC TOOOANCE of us deal with our marital problems, and hopefully this time-tested method :lsst. '(>u'sie Fuck yes. We will once again come through hen getting drunk for School officials at the University we need it most." • finals bitches! !! 1 academics of Missouri St. Louis had an emer­ Solutions adopted by the confer­ When are they install­ By BANANATREE CURRENT gency meeting on Thursday to brain­ ence included firing the whole faculty ing pot machines? Poorl storm solutions to school's economic and staff to save costs, replacilJg the • No! Alcohol is bad for woes. janitorial stafl with monkey butlers, you! At a recent SLUM basketball game, three The conference's theme, "Aw, and changing the name of Clark Hall students were escorted out of the gym for the. Fuck It", reflected the University's to "The Man Dome: Party Paradise", *hic* Huh? What'd you consumption of alcoholic beverages. new attitude toward the future of the One faculty member suggested cut­ say about my wife?! While campus security offered the students school. ting the funding for the on-campus This week's question: the offer of sharing their alcohol with them \Vhile most meetings feature a police due the low crime rate on cam­ What do you trunk of as a bribe, the students protested, claiming continental breakfast, attendees to pus, but that idea was scrapped and corn movies and that there was not enough for everyone. An­ Thursday's conference were treated to the funding redirected toward tuxedos the corn industry? gered, the security guards hustled the students cases of Annie Shrub products. The and cigars for the new staff of mon­ towards the door. An onlooker watched in pamphlet handed out to guests set out key butlers. shock as the first security guard tipped over the conference's goal: "While strate­ Sponsored by Annie-Shrub, The (NOEl one of the student's cups. gies in the past have focuses intelli­ Man Dome: Party Paradise is in­ The situation seemed to be over until Presi­ gent solutions and creative problern­ tended to be a hub of information and Y.Yh'l.t.:~... ?'~.9~~ .~t . __ ...... _, .... ? dent of Annie Shrub, Drake A, Bird, bec.ame solving, with this meeting we have a learning. ELJc:t..g."-.'pg.h .. I.~.~_s.~ ... __ ...... ~ involved. different focus: Get sloshed and see - Facts 4-5 what happens. It's how most of us See BEER, page 12 got through college, it's how most Feetu res 6-7 See EVERYONE FIRED. page 12 ~ -...... , ..•...... _. _•...... - .. _.. _ .... - .. ~.??p.... l?~.r:~ ...... _,_.... __~~?. Jocks 10-11 Stay Stagnant W Ia. ' 5 L · w. · d ...... _...... -...... _...... with this e Ive lin t. OU, liS. ,'. lour guess IS as goo as mi ne. Classifieds 12 week's weather Doodles 13 Page 2 ~he ~m1\nant March 30,2009 CAMPUS NIC-FIT: ASS PRESIDENT CAUGHT SMOKING ~hc ~tagnant The SLUM Srudent Rag "Use us 10 line your bird's cage. " CRIMELINE STAPH Sarack O'Bama • Boss Lady MONDAY, APRIL 0.9999 Ryan Stoppers· Dick Cheney Chris Chringle • Business Mangler Brock lee. Moneybags MYSTERY MURDER Lindsey David. Faculty Chief SOUTH CAMPUS CHAPEL A woman identified as Elanor Bodes Well • Newsie Alec Toodance • Asst. Newsie Rigby was found dead in the cha­ R. E. Stotle • Total Asshole pelon South Campus. She had a Jess Joking • Creatures Editor note pinned to her front saying, Movie Marquee. Dino·czar "Look at all the lonely people." Gene Yus • Stoned Layout Guy The investigation is ongoing, al­ Ike N. Otsee • Soul Stealer & though there are no suspects. Internet Addict Sam A. Nella· Blinded by the Night WORLD-THREmNING THEFT Atom Baum • Grammarian PHYSICS DEPT. STORAGE Danny Downer· Whiny Paper Boy A molecular di sruptor was sto­ len from the storage module that Peons the Physics department was us­ Hudson River, Killa Breland , ing to house the salvage from the Benet Harmmy, Anna Graham, Cedartree Williams, Benny the Bruise, Benton-Stadler-Research build­ Banana tree Current, Mary Mack·Dresden· ing. The suspects, caught on tape Black, Maneater Soundsiren, Yog ibear by a security camera, appears Kimono, Short Fuse, Tony Padfoot to be bald and in possession of a white cat, and a fairly generic Photons henchman. The investigation is Sofia Lorent, Wansome Co ffey, ongoing, aided by the SLUM De­ Zach Attack, Chera Lotbea r, partment of Espionage. Patty Mayonnaise. And When

ASSAUIJ, 1ST DEGREE Non-existent layout Minions Danny Downer • Whim Il:lfJer Boy MSCC, NORTH KOREA Now Hiringl Eatin COW, Advocates for Smoke-free Solutions (ASS) president, died in the Nosh of lung cancer over spring break. Sources indicate that his death was likely caused by his three-pack-an-hour habit of the past six months. John Doe, a staff writer and as­ Village Idiots piring copy editor with The Stag­ Isabit Lionhea rt, nant, was found unconscious in Gaylove Crew the commuter parking Lot with a concussion, contusions, and a few Money Makers broken ribs after what appears to Now Hiring! have been some rough handling. The police have no leads on any -----IooH'T CONTACT USs--- suspects; his friends attest that Got a tip for a story or photo opportunity? he had made many enemies with Have a correction to report? Do you have a his inflammatory ·writing. Doe question or comment for our staff? Are you claimed that his assailant may Crap for when there's nothing else to do interested in working at The Stagnant? have been a goose, but quickly We don't care! retracted his statement. "What's Stagnant" is a "free" service for SLUM slackers r drones r and janitors. We do not care what you do Newsroom I 314-YOUR-MOM next week. The deadline for "What's Stagnant Jl is currently unknown, but scholars place it sometime between STARDATE 62708.1 Advertising I the Jurassic and Precambrian eras. Because space is a consideration r we suggest dropping off a bribe with your Business I MIND-YOUR·OWN event listing. We like money, chocolates, and strippers. First-born children are also accepted. ARSON Fax I PARKING LOT C All of these events wi:ll not actually happen. Email I [email protected] . Police responded to a call last the SllITOllding Stans the rest of Mail I 388 MSC night to find that an improbably MONDAY, HEINZ 5j;~n _ Defense Recmibnent large bus that Ilad Deen parked Asia Minor, Europe, the Subcon­ One University Blvd. St. Loois, MO 63121 in the parking lot was now an tinent, and of course. Northern Do your part to stop the pri­ improbably large inferno. They Toilet Paper Terror Sub-Saharan Africa. vate university menace! The were assured by an unidentified Monday last, 10: 15 a. m. to SLUM Public Resistance is ONTHEW£B male at the scene (who had placed Join the Student Activity 4:50 p.m., 522 Loogie Hall. For now accepting applications for the call) that the bus was, in fact, Group for a mass toilet-papering info: Ste e Irwin at 4551. If TIJEZDAE, AP It 007 recruits. Prior experience w:ith empty. The man, claiming to be campaign and human sacrifice, you 're wondering what ·transaes­ 'paintball warfare and private 1rhc Q:UITCnt the perpetrator insisted that the this Monday, starting in the quad theties' means, try the English school students are welcome but police arrest him. in front of the library. Bring your department DIY Short Course: by no means mandatory. Weap­ Soon to be thestagnantonline.com! own paper, and a fresh change of BASE Jumping ons may be provided. clothes. CODZlUA ATTAClt Experimentation Interested students can apply - l.£ITERS TO THE EDITOR - MARK lWAIN BlDG. Monday 1-1-38, 11:38 p.m. Have you ever wanted to at Resistance headquarters in the in the Quad between Clark Hall, pitch yourself off of a building, SLUM Department of Mad MSCC. For info: James Kilroy Letters to the editor not exceeding 36 II :45 a.m. an unidentified in­ but be able to tell your friends Social Science Building, library, Science is looking for human test at 7575 or visit the MSCC head­ words will be given preference. We accept formant reported to police that about it the next day? Taught by and the parking lot down the hill subjects to participate in cloning, quarters. letters but we do not read them, unless Godzilla was attacking the Mark George Lucas (no relation to the from the Quad. For info: Kris borging, and other unorthodox, they have entertainment value. All letters Twain Building. Seeing no point, director), one of the area's top must be signed and must include your blood Breche at 461-138. experimental scientific proce­ police did not intervene; instead BASE jumping instructors, this FREITAG, APRIL 112 type, credit card number and your mother's dures. Those interested in par­ maiden name. All letters mu st be signed the call went up the line to the six-seSSion BASE jumping class Book Drive ticipating may apply at the tem­ in triplicate, sent in, sent back, lost, found governor's office, and we haven't begins with the most basic steps porary Office of Mad Science in Ransom Note again, queried, buried in hot lava for four heard about it since. Habitations for Humanitar­ and allowsp31ticipants gradu­ months and recycled . The Bitch·in·Charge Marillac Hall. ians is holding a book drive on ally to develop their physical reserves the right to burn any letters he Submit applications to MH Dear Ms. Huffrnauser, Remember that crime preven­ campus as part of its Books As and mental resiliance with regard If you ever want to see your does not find hilarious. 221. For info: Dr. Moreau, 4433. tion is a community effort, and Bricks campaign. All titles are to launching themsevels off of a darling Fluffy again, bring anyone who has information con­ welcome, but expensive, brand­ building. The class ends with a $500.00 .in dog snacks, chew ABOUT US cerning these or any other inci­ new textbooks are preferred (bo­ WEDNESDAY, JAN. 21 jump off of the Social Sciences toys, and taped Nature Channel dents should contact the Campus nus points for shrink-wrapped Building Tower. and Discovery Channel shows to The Stagnant is the annual parody issue of Police. It is necessary for every­ books!). Books are to be depos­ Cost: $69.00 per person, or the van near the abandoned shack The Current. The stories, photographs and one to lock their doors when they illustrations are 'not real and should not be Goose Roundup $119.00 for two. April 007, 2009, are out. Even if it is only for a ited in the main room in the 1. C. down by the river by midnight, taken seriously. The Stagnant does not intend minute, simply locking the door Nichols building. The Campus Goose Owner­ 7:30 p.m. to 8:45 p.m., SSB. For April 5/3. Don't call or otherwise to seriously offend any individual or group. will prevent most thefts from oc­ Begins Monday and runs un­ sltip Project will be hosting a info: Ashton Patterson at 5904. involve the police, and if you can Advertisements in this issue are real unless otherwise specified . Advertising rates are curring. til next Thursday, lC. Nichols . goose giveaway to alleviate the manage it, try not to involve any­ available upon request; terms, conditions and As a reminder, please report building. For info: Mary Schwash goose population problem. Join Asuonomy Depart- body else, either. I· any suspicious people or activity restrictions apply. at 607i. the Campus Goose Ownership Sincerely, The University is not responsible for the to the UMSL Campus Police im­ ment Rocket Launch Project at the lC. Nichols Build­ The SLUM Fighting Dogs content of The Current and/or its policies. mediately by calling 911 ifit is an Butterfly Effect ing to receive an official goose SLUM's Astronomy depart­ Commentary and columns reflect the opinion emergency, or the main number of of the individual author. net and branding kit. ment, as part of a joint event with Bike Jousting Tourna­ 314-516-5155. This week, the National His­ Unsigned editorials reflect the opinion March 32, 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 the Engineerig department of of the majority of the Editorial Board. The torical Association of Missouri, ment p.m., lC Nichols building. For the University of Missouri-Co­ Current requests the courtesy of at least as part of a joint effort with the info: Margaret Oakshott, 117- lumbia, will be launching a stu­ Campus Rec's Bike Jousting 24-hour advance notice for all events to be SLUM Department of Quantum covered. Advertisements do not necessarily CORRECTIONS 2490. dent-built rocket from the secret Tournament is this Friday, 6:45 Psychics, will be sponsoring a reflect the opinion of The Current, its staff missile silo under Bugg Lake p.m. tol 0 p.m. at the Mark Twain We make no mistakes. Ever. .if Walk Through History For Real members or the University. with the intent of orbiting a small Rec Center. This is an action­ All materials contained in each printed and you think you've found one, con­ event to celebrate the completion 'lbe U' Special research satellite. NO SPECTA­ packed, one-night tourney. Two online issue are property of The Current and tact our Corrections desk in per­ of the first Quantum Universe son at #1 Current Plaza, Omsk, Stay tuned to The U Student TORS ALLOWED! cyclists armed with foam-tipped may not be reprinted, reused or reproduced Interaction . Projector EVER without the prior, expressed and written Siberia Federal District, Russia. Radio for Orson Welles' cov­ April 3, 10:30 p.m, Bugg lances try to knock each other MADE. Participants are advised consent of The Current. This includes The . erage of the alien invasion in Lake, in the Temporary Office of off of their respective bicycles . to avoid altering the past to the Stagnant. progress in upstate New York, Astronomy. ror info: Dr. Phineas Teams may be composed of men best of their abilities. courtesy of Mercury Theater. D. Ortschlaffer at 233-7887. and/or women; ~players per side March 19, 100:00 a.m. to 6:00 January 35, 13:00-7:00. plus subs. Register at the Cam­ ADVERnSING p.m. in BH 002. For info : Michal MSCC. For details, call Wikipe­ pus Rec Office, Rm. 203 Mark Braun at 723-0001. Giant Turtle Attack All UM-St. Louis students, alumni, faculty dia.at http://en.wikipedia.org. Twain. Entry deadline is Thurs­ and staff are entitled to free classified The Earth Liberation Front day, April. 119. advertisements of 40 words or less. WEDNESDAY, JAN. 21 will be unleashing a giant turtle Feb. 19, ~ 009, 6:45 p.m. te The Current also offers display Top-Secret Board of advertisements at a rate of $8 .75 per ~ta!lnant to rampage around the campus to 9 p.m., Mark Twain Recreation Center. For Info: Campus Recre­ column inch for off campus advertisers Curators Meeting protest the . multiple unchecked ~ The Transaesthetics of atien Office at 5E2b. and $7.75 for on cam.pus organizations Azbekstani Literature instances of professorial halito­ and departments. Various discounts may IS ; sis this Tuezdae. Unchaiitable apply. To receive an advertising rate card, In this week's session of Mil- - . instructors may also be targeted. IC ShOit Course - L33t contart our advertising or busine~s staff or download a rate card from our Web site at Spectator seating will available, lion Dollar Letters, we. will ex­ Sp34k. http://www.thecurrentonline.com/adrates. plore the transaesthetics of Az­ and admission is $7.00 per per­ brtta­ bekstani literature, h6w to use son. Learn to Sp34k t3h 1337s llk3 'transaesthetics' in a sentence, April 7, 9:45 a.m. to 1:00 73h prOS! 533 t3h ITS w3b5173. AFfIUAJlONS what they look like within the p.m, North and South campuses. For a complete list ofupcom­ context of Azbekstaniliterature, For info: see the Earth Liberation ing events, visit the Whats Cur­ than and how they differ from the Front website, or visit the Office sa rent section ofhttp://www.thecur­ transaesthetics of literature from of Student Affairs. rentonline.com. March 30, 2009 roche ~tagmmt Page 3 NEWS BRIEFS

The Stagnant alike. While it is always stated that sup­ Stagnant haltsply is limited, those persons that end up having no supply to meet their demand always have several harsh free movie things to say about that fact. The Stagnant staff will continue to utilize the ' free movie pass pro­ gram on the basis that opening mov­ passes ies need the ' support and The Stag­ nant Arts and Entertainment Section The Stagnant will no longer be needs movies to write reviews on. Plot to fake bomb threat uncovered participating in the free movie pass Those passes will be available only Ike N. Otsee • Soul Sleo1CJ program. to staff and friends of The Stagnant. By BODES WELL and Managing Editor Bryan Go- Editor in Chief of The Current Sarah O'Brien was later apprehend· Due to the irate nature of hopeful Very good friends of The Stag­ ers. It was around 1 a.m. on Sun- ' ed in front of the MSC in conjunc.ion with the bomb threat. Newsie program participants, this program nant, the kind of friends that almost day, March 22 with the production bend them on their way to Student expert stated, "There are no heSI­ has proved to be a source of strife and have to be paid for, the kind of friends This week The Stagnant discov­ deadline of 3 a.m. ' bearing down . Life to deliver the bomb threat. tation marks on the note as shown trauma to the public, and the staff of that. .. Look, just bribe us. ered of a set of criminals that have upon them, fueled by an astronomi­ However, O'Brien and Swoboda's through the bold type which only been operating in the midst of the cal amount of Mountain Dew, that connections to the aforementioned stregthens my feeling that they ha,d student body, even masquerading as these three reprobates hatched this . anuies must be further looked into, absolutely every intention of going _ "the voice of the students": certain mad scheme and began to set it in. as these criminals did manage to es­ through with this plot as the use of Student Life bankrupt Editors of The Current. This last motion. However on further con­ Cllpe, leaving the note behind. The cUrsive is very old school and in the week it was discovered that they sideration, Goers prudently realiz~d ilOte was not handed over to the old school, they didn't play around: By JESS JOKING to call Klein since his termination, in had plans to issue a fake bomb threat that O'Brien was an Irish name, and police for fear of their having been They are a pair of cold-blooded fact, the prosperous national bank, Creatures Editor . thus closing SLUM on Monday, and Swoboda a Czech; both co~ld have infiltrated. The note said, in a firm militant-minded fiends, or my name P.l.G., called him \vithin hours of his giving them one more day of pro­ ties to the Irish Republican Army eursive type, isn't Gene Yus." The Student Life Offices over leave. duction to get tbe paper out. These (IRA) and the Czech Legion,war­ . "T~, k.)-- cc- to 5:1;'(1"1{, k.)-- Only one of the "Diabolical Spring Break looked as if Hurri­ "Kalvin Klein is one of the hard­ slackers however, forgot one thing. like entities that have a reputation """'" to wtYIk, k.)--~ to r.kot. ~ k-. Duo," O'Brien has been appre­ cane Katrina's mean ugly stepsister est working, most sincere, intelligent It was spring break! Not only was for blowing things up! \Vhereas he, Zl"b" ;P" -."rto kM, ,. w"...;... " hended. Swoboda is still at large. stopped by for teatime. and ambitious persons in the Ameri- ' there no one at the school other than Goers, was more of a Dutch name, While it has been suggested by Goers was also fired in light of Papers were everywhere, clumps can workforce today," said a repre- some staff """ho, it has been report­ which is related to Switzerland, some that Goers was simply too previous accusations of not being of hair lay on tlIe floor, and the sentative fro~ P.I.G. . ed, prefer to read Star Magazine in which is always neutral, which has jacked up on caffeine and that the a team player. This incident proves wooden mailbox Was axed and made "And we have no one like that their down-time, The Current staff lots of money in great banks! Goers not refers to the scheduled fire alarm that those accusations were accurate into mini fires throughout the rooms. right now at our bank, so we knew were not even scheduled to put out realized which side of his bread the testing to take place last Monday, the as Goers did not support his team- . Exclamations could be heard from we had to grab him while he 's hot an issue that weeki butter was on. staff of The Stagnant knows better. mates in their folly. haggard employees such as '\ve're (and unemployed)." Apparently the idea came about Goers decided to become an in­ A resident calligraphy expert, who The vending machines outside ruined," "my God, why have 'ye for­ Upon hiring Klein as CEO of in a late night conversation between formant on these two villains and shall remain nameless for his own of what is now The Stagnant office saken me?" and "the British are com­ P.I.G., the high profile bank imme­ News Editor, Elizabeth Swoboda, with the help of what is now The safety, believes that tills was the pre­ have been removed, just in case it ing!" diately gave the former SLUM side­ Editor-in-Oilef, Sarah O'Brien Stagnant staff, attempted to appre- meditated act of professionals. The was indeed the Mountain Dew. "My empire is crumbling right in kick a bonus often million dollars. front of my eyes," sobbed Mirium "So I bought a boafl" explained Hairyman, Vice Chancellor for Ex­ Klein. tra Marital Affairs" as she pulled out Apparently, the newest P.l,G. War erupts between public and private universities a handful of her hair and promptly CEO has spent his first week at his threw it to the fioor, snarling. new job, "turning my skin color from By BODES WELL t\,vice the amount Of money I do. " school they are affiliated with. have been many instances of cold Meanwhile, the cause of all this pale and beautiful to tan and god­ Her sister Hana Kohn, senior, Music Hairy-Stove College put upa water being tossed on private forces commotion reclined comfortably on like." Newsie Educ£ltion major, retorts, "Well my valiant last stand last week. Out­ that have been spotted attempting to a gleaming white yacht deck off the "Ever since Kalvin left, the Stu­ Civil War has erupted here in school costs more than twice what manned and out-gunned, they fought breach the outer doors of the facility. shores of Santa Mouica. dent Life Tower of Babel began to Missouri. The private and public your school does, so duh. The per~ until the last student fell. The Public The foresight of the developers can "I feel badly that SLUM is hav­ crumble" Fancy Pancy, office sup­ institutions are determined to settle centage we receive of our total cost Resistance leaders have made a mo­ also be praised through the utiliza­ ing a hard time." Kalvin Klein said port staff said dejectedly. "I guess tills issue of the Missouri Access is the same." The Stagnant had to tion to renanle the Hairy-Stove Col­ tion of old tunnels that travel lmder between sips of his Mai Tai, "but I'm no one except the geuiuses at PI.G. Grant once and for alL turning fami­ flee the scene as the discussion be­ lege. Alamo College .to honor and the dividing line of Natural Bridge. much to busy now to come back to could have seen his true potential." lies against one another, siblings came physically confrontational. memorialize their sacrifice. With these at the student's disposal, help." However, without Klein as an fighting siblings. In this scramble This was one of many COll\;ersa­ With the near continuous bom­ the sprawling campus is no longer Just then, the song "I'm on a boat" employee at the school, SLutvf could for funds in a falling economy with tions that have been had over the last bardment that SLUlvl faces. located an obstacle. rang from his iPhone. actually be facing more serious prob­ rising tuition rates, there can be no few months. However, with the sup­ in the heart of what is becoming The physics club is pursuing, ''I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat, ev­ lems than the bankruptcy of the Stu­ peace until the matter is decided. port that has been raised by organi­ established as "Private" territory, with renewed energy. their long­ erybody look at me 'cause I'm sail­ dent Life Empire: the loss of the uni­ Both sides have their arguments, zations such as Keep Me In College. the school itself has begun to take discussed blueprint for building a ing on a boat!" sang the phone. versity itself. however, the fight itself centers the situation has grown emotionally on a rather fortress like appearance. trebuchet. The caJl turned out to be from "Klein almighty! Why didn't I around the issoe pf qoali . Jana charged. Each side feels that the nJallkfu ll . the architects This conflict is e en ha ing effec t Oh-see-can-you-Forsee. the Patriotic foresee this impending apocalypse?" Ko senior. Music Education other is stealing their ftmds, and for had for n. t Sll outside of the student population of SLUM-President, begging Klein to Oh-say-can-you-Forsee said to major said, "1 refuse to be discrimi­ some, stealing their future. Millennium Student Missouri. It bas forced poLiticians retum to his old job in Student Life Hairyman. 'In response she pulled out nated against just because of where The situation escalated into the fragile appearancl': is deceptive. The to redefine 'their party line based for double the pay and a pass to skip some her hair and threw it at him. I choose to attend school. My twin fir'St shots ofwh3t is now aU-out civ­ plexi-glass is resistant to the attacks on their alma mater, either pubJi or all hmch lines in nle Squash. Klein "Yeah, Mizzou might buy us sister goes to \Vasher UniYer'Sity. We il war. Some students from SLUM and the numerous couches, sofas, private. At this point in time there politely pondered the president's pro­ out," Chancellor George Michael have the same background, com­ were peppered 'with paintball fire chairs and tables make excellent for­ are many solutions for peace being posal, and then refused. said, while drinking bourbon on ice parable ACT scores, the same need and bear the first bruises of this war. tifications. The MSC's height is also tossed about. "De-Kleined!" exclaimed Forsee and playing jazz piano. base, however. from the Access It cannot be ascertained \\'ho the an advantage, allowing a bird's eye before hanging up . Missouri Grant she receives over shooters were at this time or which view of the surrounding area; there See WAR page! 12 The president wasn't the only one ' See KLEIN ON A BOAT, pago 12 Cartwells hires sustainable plate nazi

By AL.EC Too DANCE his job very seliously. "Do you lmow how mandibles when he is squeezed. Marty will long it takes for a Styrofoam plate to bio­ travel around the Millennium Student Cen­ A'iSis!am NeU'.Iie degrade?" he asked students eating lunch. ter surprising students during lunch hours Yesterday Cartwells unveiled its eco­ When they began to answer, he slammed and spreading information about environ­ friendly lunchroom campaign at University his fist on the table and yelled, "One more mental awareness. Marty's first appearance of Missouri S1. Louis. The new program is word and I slit your ungrateful throats!" was met with screams of "that's disgusting" the company's the most ambitious plan to He's also in charge of making sure that stu­ and "kill it l ", Kevin Mortinson, the man achieve ecological sustainability yet. dents dispose of their waste in environmen­ inside the suit, was a little let dO"wTI with Starting next week, all restaurants on tally responsible ways. When one student the student response. "1 can understand the campus will Dot only be meatless, but will dropped his fork and attempted to get an­ screaming and the punching, but did they also bim all foods that taste, look like, or other, the plate Nazi threatened to "pull his really have to keep hitting me after the po­ could possibly make someone think about rectum out like sock, and make him wear lice arrived?" meat. Headsoflettuce, chicken fingers, and it." Another aspect of the new green cam­ artichoke hearts are all strictly forbidden. Camvells also unveiled a new mascot paign is that all food consumed on campus In a test run of the new dining areas, stu­ for their Earth-friendly campaign. 1I..farty wi ll be transported in ecologically friendly dents who tried to take an extra plate were the Meal Time Maggot was chosen to dem­ ways.Instead of plane shipments, rice will met with a harsh "no plate for you!" from onstrate that all animals deserve to live, no be transported by sailboat, the vegan falafel newly hired official from Cartwell. 'who is matter how gross they may seem at first will travel by camel caravan, and Conesto­ already labeled "the Plate Nazi" by many. glance. Marty is a six-foot-tall, pboto real- . ga wagon will transport food grown inside Ike N. Otsee • Soul Slool..­ A fanner member of the Iranian secret ser­ istic, and anatomically correct maggot suit the country. CartweU's new Sustainable plate Nazi will take your order. No he won't, actually, no vice, the "Plate Nazi" is managing direc­ worn by a Cartwells employee, complete plate for you. No plate for him, no plate for her. In fact, the sustainable plates are only tor for the new green campaign. He takes with realistic green ooze that drips from his See SUSTAINABILITY NAZI, page 12 for appearances, so back the hell off. Seriously. Back off.

RIGHT NOW THE WORLD NEEDS'A HERO. 1IhE (i:urrrnt SLUM bookstore makes record profit I INVITES YOU & A despite economy being in the shitter GUEST TO SEE By CHRIS CHRINGLE " .. . raking in cash by the barrelful, SLUlvf Bookstore has adapted. One you'd be surprised what charging key strategy is variety. Business Mangler $2.99 for a bag of peanuts can do for For sale are titles representing It is a testament to the fOItitude your bank accOlmt," according to one evelY genre, from romance ("When of Triton spirit that one of the few senior Bookstore staff member. an Isotope Loves an Ion") to mystery For Complimentary Passes For places unaffected by the economic Also healthy are the biceps ofTri­ ("The Case of The Missing Peace in Two To The Advance Screening Israel") to horror ("Contemporary python that holds America in its ton clothing sales, which have tripled Log on to: powerful coiled grip is right here on since last year thanks to a new line of Mathematics"). campus. That haven of prosperity is 'Triton: Gender Neutral Yet Unde­ "There really is something for thecurrentonline.com a landmark well known and beloved niably Phallic" gear which hit sales everyone," explains Conrad Artiste, to all students here: the SLlJ\1 Book­ racks in January. Johnny Buff, Fresh­ manager of the Bookstore, "Every ~\- Screening is Monday, April 6, store in the Milk Students for Cash man. Bodybuilding. is "Glad they got year around August, and then again SETHROGEN 7:00pm Center (MSCC). rid of that Rivennen. Now we have a around January; there is just this Despite a harsh economy that has sweet three pronged weapon as our flood of interest in our books. We Enter to win OBSERVE & REPORT capsized many a lesser organization, symbol. That's like triple phaUic." have many customer'S that we have prizes at www.gofobo.com. Finally the Bookstore's most built such a solid relationship with the Bookstore remains in strong fis­ observe-and-report.com popular remains its financial that they keep returning three. four, cal shape, fl exing its rippling finan­ item ·'M1it~I.&.~llI1:~:;a>.~,r:rs1- MNeQ~OI:Ua.. N()~~? Gluteus Maximus: Textbooks. Other five years in a row." ~ t'IIQ~ sml__ pcr (jQrro.1l. En~ o:I plJUc:ipDli-lg spcn;.1O'tate~, cial body for all to see. ,!"JJof;im.~ ~ P$d!:ullC\4g1.1.iflDee~itlan=eat l~ fI~ This includes pectqral muscles of bookstores . around America have COlinter candy saJe.s which are still seen dramatic sales drops, but the See BOOKSTORE BOOM, page 12 ~ge4 March 30,2009 OUR OPINION STAFF VIEWPOINT Guns Philosophy The Stagnant staff was held at gunpoint this afternoon at the North Cam­ individuals are obviously not looking out for their safety, or the safety of pus Metro Link station on our way to go and get Fro Yo frozen yogurt for a ' SLlTh1. mid afternoon snack. After this frightening debacle, the staff came together to Mizzew has already added the gtm fee to their fee list, and their enroll­ is really support the SLUM Student Gurnmerment bill to give every SLUM student a ment has bounced up ten fold from townies and other gun-nuts around the loaded firearm to protect themselves. Columbia area. The Stagnant believes that it is on!y natural that we follow in Everyone else carnes guns around this God-forsaken uniYersity, so why Mizzew's footsteps, since after all, they can do no wrong (except losing the should the students not? In fact, you are 100% more likely to be able to protect Elite 8 basketball game against University of Connecticut, but let's just sweep stupid, really yourselves against all of the dangers around SLUM if you own a fireaml. that under the rug with the butts of our rifles). By R. E. STonE The Stagnant believes that gtffiS are necessary in university lifestyles, and Guns would give the Tritons' sports teams a hell of an advantage as well, are useful in any sort of situation students may face while attending SLUM. and let's be honest, they could use any advantage. Instead of having to watch The other day I was walking to For example, let us say that a student gets into a fight at a fraternity party- this themselves painfully lose another gan1e, they could just pull out their gtms the Nosh to get some lunch. You all would not happen if every person at that party had a firearm on their person. and scare the other team into forfeiting--or threaten the referees with it to know how the pizza is phenomenal. Gun ownership seriously cuts down on the amount of people that are go­ "make the right call". ing to fuck with you, and if everyone owns one--no one is going to fuck with Boring days spent doing homework in the Noshus would be changed to Anyway, by a mist of innumerable anyone. days filled with firing practice (something the University is becoming accus­ events (mostly involving whips and SLUM would then be the gun-fright equivalent oflsrael, where everyone tomed to anyway in this economic climate). candJes) 1 found myself suddenly oc­ owns a semi-automatic weapon, and they do not play around. Seriously, who The Stagnant also believes that guns should be given to faculty and staff cupying the Philos­ would not want to be as bad-ass as the nation ofIsrael? members to further encourage students into coming to class. ophy Department of Additionally, the University could then not only accept funds from the In fact, guns could easily solve evelY p.roblem that SLUM students and SLUM. alcohol industry (Budwhyser), or the drug industry (Express Spliffs) but from faculty have. As I perused the the weapons market as welL We could then begin to offer internships in pimp­ Threats always better than encouragement, and we could even give Our room, I saw many ing, drug lording, ethnic cleansing, and war. gtm fee a special name like the "locked and loaded coercion" tactic or the "get young students, Adding a gtm fee to the student fee list is a worthwhile cause, and with your shit done or I'll cap you" clause. R. E. Stoth! mostly with beards specialized training from the million or so small-municipality police stations Guns are a part of American history, and have kept Americans safe from and funny looking caps and a few every student would be extremely learned in gtm use, as well as riot control failure and certain death for hundreds of years. Adding a gtm fee would in­ old-looking Professors... I mean and racial profiling. crease the educational value of every SLUM degree, and would help protect There are many people who would seriously disagree with this cause, every student from the dangers of SLUM campus such as geese, creepy pro­ deathly old. Some were reading and lets call the anti-patriotic liberal-commie-terrorist sympathizers, but these fessors, and the man. some were talking. Some were writ­ ing and some were pondering in si­ lence. All of them seemed to be partici­ pating in some form ofhigh-level m­ Barack Obama, Scharzenegger's Protege tellectualism. What was I to do (a whip in one Barack Obama is more than just our country's first black president and and everyone else with a brain know that they are secretly cousins. Our body hand and candles in the o1'h.er) but one of the most iconic political figures of our time. He is actually Arnold language experts and world class psychotherapists here at The Stagnant took to engage these fine young minds Schwarzenegger's long lost cousin and secret friend. The Stagnant must and a break from taking jello shots with Ru Paul while talking about changing in conve.rsation? After all, even I, a will do everything to wield its power to expose the plan of this unlikely pair. the school nickname from DUMSL to RUMSL to confirm these facts. The lowly Communications Major, have Hell, The Stagnant will go ahead and say its time to expose their five pounds findings of their investigations are undeniable and extremely conclusive. The questions about who God is, human of crap in a one-pound bag and air it on the comer of Front Street. Reader ever popular phrase, ''I'll be back" and "Rasta L.a Vista, baby" are coded consciousness and how people get discretion is advised; those with weak stomachs and receding hairlines may messages telling Bamck Obama to stop denying his family heritage and help those model ships into tiny bottle­ want to proceed reading this section of The Stagnant with caution. Austrian­ their family refurbish their Nazi History Museum. Instead of discussing tbe bred bodybuilder tumed Tenninator was born in a small town. Which small family business like men, Barack Obama childishly taunted him in his New holes. town? Not important York Times bestseller, "The Audacity of Hope." I walked up to 'the person closest Any friggin' way, Barack Obama's mother bad a secret affair with Schwar­ Here at The Stagnant, we find this behavior atrocious. If the Terminator to me and asked, "What are you read­ zenegger's father's twin brother, Borat, shortly a,fterbis birth. Borat could of­ did not provide enougb clues for the Americ311 public in his triJogy of the ingT ten be heard in a nearby bam by surrounding neighbors playing hopscotch and Tenninator, what would? Schwarzel1gger decided what any would do to his He replied, '''The World as Will riding ponies with Obama's momma. The two were even seen canoodJing at next of kin here in these lonely United States. He ran for governor of Cali­ and Representation' by Arthur Scho­ SCHMEDITORIAL BORED the local discotech, "Die Furhlangenbangenschmangen." Any friguin way, fornia, dub. penhauer." the couple got tired oflooking at each other dipping each other 's freakis hly After a thorough investigation conducted by oUT Oxford and Harvard "Can you explain his philosophy Sarack O'Bama long toenails, and inhaling insane amounts ofwjener schnitzel in boring ass trained Morse Code ei perts, The Stagnant bas concluded that everyone in Bodes Well to me?" I asked. Austria. They decided it was time they went fiying around in Borat' heli­ America should smack themselves upside the head. It does not take much to ''Why, yes," replied the student. R. E. Stotle copter. On a double dog dare, Borat suggeste.d that Obama s mommajunlp realize that every third word in every third speech given by Sc.hwarzenegger He then began on a disgusting, Jessica Keil out of the plane while flying in circles over a Kenyan govemment building. is a wave oftbe white flag to bis cousin Oba.ma. In his last speech on gay mar­ rumoying endeavor explaining how Movie Marquee Obama's momma reminded him that the idea was dumb as that tfu1ng because riage not being allowed in California because they are all way more styJis.h according to Schopenhauer the Uni­ Ryan Stoppers she was 9 months pregnant He told her he would give her his unicorn if he than he, his every third wOId revealed thes'e words: "1 am sorry Barack. You verse is one entity, \vhich is governed Gene Yus did, so out she flew of the chopper. Low and behold, she feil into the arms of were right. A lazi history museum has been done before, just like my tacky by one underlying force. He made Ike N. Otsee Barack Obama, Sr. The rest is history. Yeah yeah y ah, people may have receding bairline. Best ofluck on the Al Sharpton radio show." The Stagnant gjven Barry Sr. some amp for being I lamic when he is an atheist. 11 that \ ant e eryone to J..'l10W th J,heir ignorance is understandable" and they are me want to punch him in the face. was a cover up and, truly . a hero. Here at The Swgmml, ftcr.n1y ap­ more than welcome to bo I1d furt the alpbabet with..their Jlmlpits to pell He just would not stop talking. . "Our Opinien" is written plaud men who decide to . k up the slack for deadbeat dads and take o.n fe­ out an apology. Following this statement, I called collectively by a team of tial responsibility that is not theirs. ""'hat we do not condone is the secret lies The Stagnant wants everyone to know that politicians are fooling Ameri­ him mean names and stole his lunch over a thousand monkeys. Obama and Schwarzenegger have led the American people to believe. For cans everyday. It is perfectly fine if you are dumb as hell and do not realize away from him. As I ran down the your information, the Terminator was a secret message letting Barack Obama this. Hey, you are reading the SLUM Stagnant right? hall and shoved a turkey sandwich WE DONl WANT TO into my mouth, I considered my ex­ perience in the Philosophy depart­ HEAR FROM YOU ment. ""Vhat a fool that guys was," As a forum for public Going green, just like everybody thought I to myself. expression on campus, If this long-winded bag of bones The Stagnant does not­ Okay, so everyone is trying to go green, and the Stagnant has a few awe­ green maybe. But definitely no sea foanl green colors- they are, like, the is able to talk about nothing for hours welcome letters to the some ideas for SLUM. These are Our top 6 and V2 ways SLUM should go worstest colors ever. We just totally know that, like, everyone would do this and still be defeated by my hunger editor and guest com­ green. too. We would be trendsetters for so freakWg many people, and that's, like, pangs, then why does he exist? This mentaries from students, 1. Okay, so, SLUM sidewalks are like totally full of goose poop. So, so way awesome. The newspapers would be all over campus and asking us question brought me to a few conclu­ faculty, staff members what we're saying is why not use that goose poop to make fossil fuel, or questions, and it would be so way awesome. sions. and others concerned whatever that stuff is that makes the lights tum and stuff? Like dub, with 5. So, maybe this is wrong but computers need electricity to stay on, One conclusion was that whips with issues relevant to so much gooses running around and making goose noises, this would work. and that does take money to pay for it. So, just like dr'Op that totally. Oh, and and candles should not be used for the SLUM . Hello! All we need is someone to like figure out how to do this because really, it, like, hurts the globe or something. Instead of doing the whole email thing, anything except archeology. we came up with the idea, so we don't need to waste our time figuring out we should totally use smoke signals. Second, Philosophy majors are how to make poop into something else. Like, how way awesome would that be? Just think about it. That's, like, annoying! All they do is ramble on Letters to the editor 2. Oh! We got another. How about if we just, like, burn these dumb a really good idea, because then it's, like, not going to hurt the earth. Some­ and on about stupid things. Then, if should be brief, and those textbooks we are supposed to be reading? Like, who really even reads them. thing even awesomer would be to use whatever goose poop is left to make you try to argue against them they not exceeding 5 words Nobody, that's who. The world keeps telling us to not even use books, right, the fire burn really good. Oh, and those leftover books too. We would have never listen to reason. Their only will be given prefer.ence. so how about we just don't. Instead, we should totally make our textbooks to have, like, classes or something to learn how to read what the people are goal is to support irrational beliefs We edit letters for clarity into whatever keeps the buildings wann in winter and cool when it's hot and trying to say to us. But really, that's so way easy. and disagree with everyone they talk and length, not for dia­ yucky out. That way we don't totally waste these stupid things filled with 6. Another rad thing to do would be to make .the SLUM campus a to. lect, correctness, intent useless wonts. Aren't our professors being, like, paid or something to tell us vegan one. It like totally seems tha.t the people who are the most obsessed It is my opinion that philosophy or grammar: All letters what the book says so we don't risk getting paper cuts or something scary and with loving the world are vegans. So, like, reaUy just make us be vegan here, should not be a major. It is useless, must include a daytime gross like that? you know? Making all of that meat stuff just hurts the planet, since those big because people who study it are use­ phone number. Students 3. Whoever 'they' are, they keep telling us to not drive. So, how about stupid trucks have to use all that gas and stuff to move the animals. So let's less. What do philosophy students must include their stu­ we just ride our bikes? How, like, way cool would that be to have the parking just, like, not do anything with meat. Some people are like total animals here do other than grow up and teach oth­ dent ID numbers. The lots be turned into a lot full of bike racks and not those armoying yellow lines with how much meat they eat on campus, but, ub, maybe we should think of er philosophy students? They do not Editor-in-Chief reserves that cars usually try to fit .between? This way we would be called the school the world instead of our stomachs when we're at school, you know? contribute to society. the right to respond to with the in-the-best-shape people in like the entire St. Louis, and that's just 6 Y2. World Peace. Like totally, duh, obvious. If Philosophy majors continue to letters. The Stagnant re­ so totally awesome. So yeah, SLUM should for sure do tbat Really now, So, let's, like, review or whatever. teach philosophy, more people will serves the right to deny what's more green than not putting that gas that's going to hurt the U-Zone L SLUM should use goose poop to make the stuff that keeps us feeling realize that in order to study philoso­ all letters. thingy-ma-bobber in the air? I mean really. like we aren't people who live in a cage. 2. We should burn textbooks to make phy you get to do absolutely nothing. 4. Well, I don't know why nobody else has thought of this, so maybe us not, like, freeze in winter, because we don't use them anyway. 3. There Eventually, . more and more people For information on we're just, like, really a clone of that smart guy, Albert Einstem or something. shouldn't be any more car parking; instead we should put in a whole lotta bike will want to do it. writing a guest commen­ Well, whatever. We should paint, like, everywhere green. Now, green is so racks. 4. We, like, so want to have green walls. 5. And we should make those As more and more people be­ tary, contact The Stag­ way obvious; isn't it? Like dub, people. Why are the walls still that ugly whit­ way rad smokey signals instead of emaiL 6. If we make this campus vegan, come Philosophers, we will not have nant's Bitch-in-Charge. ish color? Ew! So, we should totally paint the walls. Oh, and like of course, we can totally save the planet. 6 Y2. Oh, and like, the most important way for enough politicians to run soCiety, it would all be different greens. Like a tree green and a lime green and a forest SlUM to go green is to get some world peace. construction workers to build bridges and video game programmers to pro­ gram videogames. Then we will all die, and those who do survive will all end up underground with radioactive . ~4';.. ~.~ ····,.i... UNDERSTAG A mutations. By R. E. Stotle • Total Asshole , ...... ••• ~...... ~'...•.. ,1"1 .. . Anyway, my whole point is that Philosophy is useless and should be wiped of the face of the Earth if we ~~~~4 want at all to preserve humanity. And ~, " if you do not agree with me, then you \ \ f ' " \/ ' (/ are just as bad as a stupid Philosophy Major. HoW' deyo\il;ik,e being evil? At the end of the day, I decided Adolph Hitler Joseph Stalin Ghengis Khan My ex-girlfriend Ghandi that I would never set foot in another Senior Freshman SLUM Alum Sophomore Master philosophy department ever again. It Social Work [}ance Public Policy Business Culinary Arts is the most armoying place on SLUM campus and has the most armoying "I like that it promotes "Aside from torturing "I'm a neurotic "As long as I'm "Well, 1-- Hey, wait. people in it. In fact, we should prob­ What do you think? Send your own response nationalism." others, all the women asshole, and making men's lives I'm not eviL" ably just tum their offices into some­ to [email protected] or talk about it in are a huge perk." controlling weaker miserable, I'm thing useful, like a theme park. our online forums at thecurrentonline.com. people is what happy." R. E. Stolle is a total asshole and drives me," . a Stagnant Editor. You should prob­ ably disregard the preceding atricle . Page 5 '1ICht (torrent March 30, 2009 LETTER to THE EDITOR

What makes you Stagsnot goo­ Editor: bers think that I will waste my pre- . cious time working a job? I have been going out to the mov­ Anyway, come the end of the ies for many years now. One thing week and my new girlfriend usually that helps us SLUM students stay up wants to go see a movie. By SOFIA LORENT for Democracy, and for this reason tolerate more than most countries. In fact, we should all get on our to date with Hollywood is by using Last week of course we saw I the world owes it a gr:eat debt. So, We can do anything, love anyone knees and thank God for America. the free movie passes you, The Stag­ Love You, Man. Not only was the First of all, I think we all know why is America the greatest coun­ and never apologize for it. We can Thank God thatthe country with the nant, distribute. So what's all this movie free and good- for a free , that America is the greatest coun­ try in the world? Because we are say anything we want, worship any most muscle on earth upholds the horse poo about you charging money mo~ie, that is. But also the title fully try in the world, and by "America", always the ones helping other coun­ God we choose, and associate with ideals of freedom, and human rights. for something that has the word free expresses my feelings for my new of course I mean the States. It re­ tries when they get into stupid shit. anyone we choose, with no prob­ The rest of the world should know on it? girlfriend. She's so hot, if you know ally grinds my gears when I hear Because we take in· thousands and lems at alL This is truefreedom. by now that if America is doing it, Look, I don't think you Stinknant what I mean. . people say,' "America is a continent thousands of people who beg us ev­ We also have the greatest mili­ it cannot be wrong, and if you are idiots realize how hard it is to be a So, my girlfriend wants to go out, not a country. You mean the U.S." ery year to issue them visas. Most tary of any nation. We make mili­ doing something else, you cannot real life college student. I have to be and I don't have the money because Well, we are in the people would rather live in America tary hardware and sell it to the rest beright. Anybody who says differ­ awake by noon to get to my class ev­ I'm overworked as it is and have a United States of than in their own countries. Why . of the world. We've left millions of ent is a communist, fascist, terrorist, ery Tuesday and Thursday. . And. let modest allowance. Then, you Stag­ AMERICA. What else would peop1e be sneaking into mines and bombs in places like Af­ racist, God-hating bigot. me tell you, Elementary Algebra is fat losers don't give me a free pass. do you want us this country on a daiiy basis? ghanistan, Vietnam, Cambodia, and To the rest of the world, I'm not a walk in the park. Now, instead of both seeing a to call ourselves? Every year, Hollywood coughs Laos years after those wars ended. sorry, but we are a revolutionary After hours of trying to under­ movie aiJd drinking at the bars while The Unnies? The up hillions of dollars worth of mov­ We protect our own by any means . country, and we are not done chang­ stand what the heck 'x' equals, I have I smoke copious amounts of marijua­ Sofia Lorent Staties? It may not ies and shows in order to entertain us. necessary., ing the world for the better. Not by a small chunk of my afternoon to na, I need to chose one or the other. be correct, but it's easy to say so ev­ Every year, the government gives up What I don't understand is why force, but by simply encouraging beat my guitar hero score from the Am I going to have a good time, or eryone should just get over it. billions of dollars to' educate us . .Ev­ every time there is a major, tragic people to embrace our way of life: day before. Then, I have to go prac­ am I going to pay money to take my From our shopping malls, to ery year companies spend billions of event, the world expects Americans the BEST way of life, the only way tice beer pong at my friend Doug's girlfriend to a movie? our education systems, everything dollars in advertising, to introduce to come to their aid. Why is it, when of life. And you know what, I take house. Me and Doug placedJourth IreaUy don't think you Storknan~ about this country is perfect. Where us' to the newest & hottest technolo­ a large country pounces on a smaller that back, I'm not sorry at alL I only in the last tournament and don't want fools realize that you are destroying else can a · person walk dov.'ll the gies. Only in America is all of this one, the world expects America to speak the truth. to be made into fools again this sum­ healthy relationships. I want free street and literally get any food in possible. ' help? And why do other countries If you need any more convincing mer. movie passes and I want them now! the world in less than 10 minutes? Think about it; what other coun­ accept billions of aid money from on the greatness of this nation, just Anyway, after a long day of my Where else can you change every­ try can take traditions from other us, but want to criticize us at the take a look at our leaders in Wash­ hard studying, I have neither the time, Hugh G. Rection thing abcmt yourself 3.t the drop of a countries, put them all. in a pot, stir same time? Don't they know that ington. nor energy to go find a job that earns dime? I guess it">s just a perk of be­ them, call jt something completely we only want th~ best for them? I Sofia Lorent is a photon for the me money beyond the thousand-dol­ 8-year senior ing an American. different and actually make it work? think that they should just shut their The Stagnant, and is a French ex­ lar allowance my parents send each America _ was th~ inspiration America is a melting pot, and we mouths and be grateful for America. change student. month. Liberal Studies THE O'BAMA ,FACTOR Suck it M. lZZeW.' ,

By SARACK O'BAMA

As I grazed through college appli­ cations my senior year of high school r remember all of my newspaper ' ftierldS-Chatting ilbout 1letting acbept­ ,ed into Mizzew s "f Schoof. I rolled my ey~ at them and told them I was going to go to SLUM for Journalism. At the time they all laughed and teased me, tell­ ing me that SLUM sucked, and did not have a journalism Sarack program, and that if O'Bama I ever wanted to go anywhere in life I should go to Mizzew. Three years later, and a two year "Best in State" streak with TIle Stag­ nant all I have to say to Mizzew is: Suck It. . Not only do I not have to sit through hours and hours of journalist mumbo-jumbo in order to succeed, I can print penis jokes and black humor all day long in my paper and still win awards, sucka. Everytime J bear about Mizzew I get sick, literally. "At Mizzew you can do this, at Mizzew you can do that," blah blah. Perhaps if Mizzew was so great they WQuid have won Saturday ' night's basketbaLl game. Perhaps if Mi=w was so great they would have a football team--{)h wait, that's SLUM. Mizzew may be the flagship school of the system, but honestly, they are not that great, and I would not ever replace my experiences with SLUM and The Stagnant for any fancy J School degree or job at the Mizzew paper The Manbeater (who loses so graciously to The Stagnant during the yearly 11issouri newsie compe­ tition-that's right, SLUM wins at something). \Vhile the Trytons and the Tygei:s do not compete against eachother, I am completely positive that the Try­ tons would win ill a cage fight versus the Tygers-because we come from the U)U and we're proud-like Nelly, who would also fight in that cage match since he is an honorary SLUM Tryton. Official immediately. The Stagnant is proof that you don't need no fancy .Mizzew degree to rock journalism~The Stagnant has integrity out the ass, and plenty of tact to go around. We spell perfect and our grammer is outstandingly greatness, and SLUM is a fancy enough place without a football field to cramp our style. . Unlike Mizzew we don't need per­ rrrission to drink on campus because we' re cool enough to do it without pemlission.

See MIZZEW. page 12 Page 6 1:hc~tagmmt March 3D, 2009 Caucasian. ight rocks the Pie Lot Haus FACUUY SPOTLIGHT By JESS JOKING could be found vegetable trays with Dr. Goose Creatures Editor ranch, hummus and pita, and choco­ By ATOM BAUM late soy milk. Grall/maria II They go by many names: whites, Once students had enjoyed the gringos, the population of St. Charles, bountiful organic food, a series of DUlv.!SL employs many pro­ pale-skin devils, and countless others. speakers began. fessors of higb esteem, including However, none of these terms are of­ The first, Habirshire himself, ex­ tenure track women of Biophys­ ficially approved by DUMSL's own pounded on the origins of the term ics, world- renowned Musicolo­ student organization: Cooperative AB­ Caucasian. This proved to be helpful gists, and some of the top inno­ sociation of Underappreciated Colle­ for several students. vators in the gians, a white representative group. "'Caucasian' is like, such a weird nation in Inter­ "The acceptable term for describ­ word," Stacy White, freshman, gossip national Busi­ ing our kind is 'Caucasian', which is said "its like are we part Asian? Oh ness. People why our group is called ' CAUC," ex­ god, now I'm craving sushi." rant and rave plained CAUC president Maximilian Following his speech, Habirshire about the re­ Habirshire, senior, White Studies. announced "Let the fun con;unence!" search findings Dr. Goose Spreading awareness about hurt­ and then jogged off of the stage pump­ Sofia Lorent • Photon of our faculty, Ptoji!:isor tinlerlt"s ful, derogatory terms was one of the ing his :fists in the air while Europe's White people enjoying a video game together at Caucasian Night in but there are Depl.oJPoo I goals ofHabirshire's brain child, Cau­ "The Final CountdO\'ln" played. Mo­ the Pie Lot Haus. Look at the fellow in the middle with the suit on: some members casian Night. The event, a celebration ments later, the festivities began. Belle doesn't he look dapper! Golly jeepers! of the faculty who have a much ' of Caucasian culture, occurred in the and Sebastian blared on speakers Ecstasy,'" White said "their clothes mark of great musical genius," Hanz bigger impact than many students Pilot House. while a group of performers dressed are like so vintage and ugly that Pheiffer, junior, counterculture said. may care to realize. One student who attended was up as "Arrested Development" mem­ they're cool! And I guess their music The final speaker of the night was The Department of Poo is Chauncey Smith, freshman, Suburban bers walked around greeting people is okay." saved as a smprise until Habirshire ashamed tbat more notori'ety has Studies. and making in-jokes from the popular The band preformed one song for made the much anticipated aIII1ounce­ not been given to its impact on "I actually didn't know what 'Cau­ Caucasian-themed show. the group. For the first 30 seconds men! on stage. campus .life long before now. It casian' meant; I came cause I thought "Hells yeah, Arrested Develop­ the audience could be seen jumping Next up ladies and gentlemen is is one of the only departments this was gOIlI1a be some sort of wine ment is probably my favorite show," up and down together and flailing the person you've all been waiting visible to any person who passes tasting or something." Samuel Sallow, senior, undeclared their heads. The rest of the song, not for" he said. "Fearless and unforgiv­ by its two offices. Despite the fact that no alcohol said. 'That, or The Office." featured in the IPod co=ercial, fell ing, a grimalkin of a woman whose There are numerous geese that could be found at Caucasian Night, Caucasian Night also featured an flat. work in her career field could be con­ walk the campus and work for the I ~ there were no shortage of refresh­ otherwise unknown indie band had "German Indie tJands are much sidered awe-inspiring and untamed, Department, but students seem to ments. it not been for their song being in superior to American ones. Ostenta­ here she is, give it up for. .. Diane {oye Dr. Goose for his ability to Catered by the organic supermar­ an IPod co=ercial a couple weeks tious Ecstasy did have technological Rehm!" scare away predators with his an­ ket Whole Foods, on long tables with back. savagery, but honestly didn't awaken noying quack and attractive Mis­ appropriately colorless tablecloths "Oh-my-gosh, I love 'Ostentatious me from my moral insensitivities, the See CAUCS, page 7 souri Department of Conserva­ tion anklet he reluctantly wears. "Seriously, I hate this anklet. FACULTY SPOTLIGHT 2 ·Who am I, Mr. or Mrs. RHA? Get the fuck on with that bullshit. Obama ends work for Amnesty I don't have time for costumes. I Ray Slackerman am a distinguished professional in my field: the baseball field, that There simply "aren't many rights being violated these days" By MANEATER SOUNDSIRE'N is. I find crap and debris to eat Peon all day thanks to the tasty litter By CHRIS CHRINGLE gasps from the crowd and staff mem­ of illegal immigrants and aid for bat­ the DUMSl students provide me bers alike. One young gentleman ....-ith tered women. A graduate from SLUM has with. Don't play with me," Dr. Busilless Mangler Amnesty did in fact burst into tears. "It s all going to go!' shouted many options in the job world. Goose explained. ''Y all about "It's been a really cru=y year for His wrenching sobs echoed through KoohI. 'We will have nothing to pro­ Whether job choice is a doctor to make me lose it up in here. human rights violations ," aIII10UDced the meetin,g chamber. test! " nUrse, teacher, or even the O\\;ner I m from the polluted side of the Rac-hella Koohl at an emergency Koohi turned and spoke a few Other high-ranking Amnesty of a multi-million dollar corpora­ pond you hear meT meeting of DUNISL's chapter of Am­ words of comfort to the young man members milled about the meeting tion. success can beckon at eyery lts two offices are on the side­ nesty International. TIle chapter has before returning to the microphone. dolefully. doorway. An exponential amount walks right by the ponds outside been an active, visible presence on "That's Ralph. He's our go-to guy One, Kris Bin-John, senior, Ideal­ of possibilities exist for a gradu­ the MSC, and the sidewalk by campus in recent years. for torture demonstrations . you have ism; could only manage to grumble ate: but what about a non-gradu­ Bugg Lake, respect.ively. TOP With various displays, events and all probably seen and been terrified by something about "All we do now ate otherwise knO\\o11 as a "drop­ These scenic DUMSL beau­ tabl 'around the MSC'lnfl. its bridge; him on the MSC bridge a~ one. point is boring international stuff," wilen out? ~ ies are home to weddings, Phrases to confuse a they have championed the rights of or another. Perhaps he even stumbled aSfed about the future of Amnesty in Ray Slackerrnan, a dro~out events, and functions held by those without rights in America.and up to you and groped you. Regardless, an Obama world where everyone is from SLUM. considers himself DUMSL organizations and non­ SLUMpo lice man around the world. But so far this year he's out of a job now. He put blood, treated fairly. an entrepreneur in the money­ DUMSL affiliates alike. "1 mean, something has been missing, and not sweat and idealism into his character­ "Used to be, back in the good old making industry. Slackennan like yo, for real 1 don't know 10 "Why of course just support, staff and funds like in the a blindfolded, orange-clad torture vic­ days a few years ago there were. hor­ keeps the streets clean, but not why people don't take more no­ I love your babe­ past. tim; and now this. Thanks Barack, but rific, I mean just brutal hum.al1 rights of trash. of loose change and fly­ tice of the work we do," said Dr. "There has been a dramatic shift no thanks." violations going on all the time; per­ away dollars. Goose. "My family and 1 spent a-licious man in our government due to the election Koohl went on to describe how all petrated sometimes by out own gov­ Slackennan was raised in generations shitting on people to boobs." of Barack Obama" continued KoohI. of the expensive oran,ge torture suits ernment. And now ... this," Bin-John Maderia Beach, Florida, where get to where we are today. Check "Things are ... getting better" she would just go ' to waste now, along claimed, shaking his head and walk­ he obtained his high school di­ me out. I crapped on people, my 09 "No,nobody growled in a feral sound barely above with various shockingly graphic fly­ ing away too angry to continue. ploma. dad crapped 011 people and on the a whisper. ers, photographs and videos used to For now, the group is taking a "High School was a blast. I sidewalks of DtflvISL, and my gets a discount at Other Amnesty members were alert students and passersby to the temporary break from their admirable only missed 183 days my senior kids do, too. I don't know what G-Roma's in the clearly somber, grimacing as Koohi torture occurring at Guantanamo and work due to the unfortunately peace­ year, so that helped me pull my it's gOIlI1a take for people to give Rotunda." aIII10unced the news. other prisons. ful and positive conditions in Ameri­ GPA up a little," Slackerman the Department of Poo more re­ "Why barely a week into office, Further terrifying new statistics ca. Sources claim that the chapter may said. search dollars to figure out how Obama shut down the Guantanamo were brought forth when Koohi read soon be moving to The People's Re­ Ray spent his days surfing many pairs of shoes we can mess 08 "Yes, stealing Bay detention center!" Koohi ex­ from various Obama campaign prom­ public of China where, according to and catching up on much needed up every year," contended Dr. under $500 is a claimed angrily. ises- including the legalization of gay the source, "There is all kinds of good sleep. After taking a three-semes­ Goose. reason for for you The memory of this event drew marriage, protections for the children stuff going on." ter break, Slackennan decided to Dr. Goose has an impres­ to investigate." apply to SLUM. sive resume to back up his con­ 'Well catching the surf was stant referral to his tradition of pretty much an awesome way lifelong excellence in his field. 01 "Yes, that is to live everyday, but I needed a His resume includes crapping marijauna you are change of scenery. My friend told on people's heads, walking ri­ It's been a long, hard month . me there's some pretty exquisite diculously slow across the street smoking. Can I get wornen, I mean things, to do up where people are driving, and.!et­ a dime sack?" By SARACK O'BAMA the crowd about their experi.ences try­ discussions to view the new Pete Pen­ the~," Slackerman said. ting students know that they are Boss Lady ing to reach the male orgasm. ciler hit "The Penis Monologues". With only his surfboard, four aIlI10ying mm. 06 "Yes, that crazy "UsUally its pretty hard," one per­ "It's a stiff job trying to get my changes of clothes, his dog, and "Hey, haven't you read the toothless woman This week kicked off the month son attending said causing a large erection accepted," Penciler read a 24-pack of Bud Light, Slack­ Qua'Torah? It clearly states long celebration of Men's history outburst of i=ature laughter from a from his book while sitting on a LA­ erman began his journey to St. I Buddha created the birds. Then gumming down month at SLUM. The University group of women sitting in th~ back­ Z-BOY wjth ESPN playing in the Louis to start school in the fall of it says Jesus made people. Can't my ankle is bother­ Smorgas Board began the month by row. The ladies were scolded and told baekground. 2005. Ray's schedule consisted you idiots read? I was here first. ing me." inviting both the touring male-centric that if they could not behave they The readings continued an this . of rigorous courses. Then you have the audacity to sex education program I Love Male would have to leave. fashion with Penciler reading sections ''1 took basic English and honk your hom at me like I'm Orgasm as well as the Penis Mono­ "This is a serious issue," Rection from the book to quiet appreciation computing 0001. Those classes doing something wrong. How 05 "If you liked it, logues to entertain SLUM students. said, "and jf you give an inch then from those in attendance. sucked, and I failed them almost would you like it if I flew into you shoulda put a "There is so much focus on fe­ they will take a mile." When Penciler finished rea<\jng he instantly. It was a good thing I your house and looked at you like ring on it. Oh-oh­ male sexuality, and female problems The gifis in the back could not ripped offhis button-up sweat pants to also had Human Sexuality; unlike you were the perpetrator?" He oh, oh-oh-oh ... " that men's sexuality is often blatant­ hold in their laughter and exploded expose his genitalia to the crowd. The the other classes, this one kept me pointed out. ''I'm sick of talking ly ignored," said educator Goten E. with giggles., they were escorted out croWd then stood to attention a~d ap­ from starting a yawn fest the mo­ to the darIlI1 Stagnant staff'. Quit Rection of the I Love Male Orgasm of the room. plauded the performance l0udly. ment the teacher walked into the asking me all these questions. I 04 "Why do you group. "The problem with male orgasm is "I am man, hear me roar" Penciler room," Slackerman said. need my cigarettes: You're gon­ need a brand new Rection spoke about the focus on the depths which the problem reach­ added before bowing and leaving the Five weeks passed, and Slack­ na try to ban that next anyway Charger to drive female orgasm, "It's complete crap, it es," Rection said, "and you have to stage. erman had halted his learning like that's taking away from the takes forever, and then often women work hard in order to achieve it." Men's history month has men· experience completely: Having . global warming mess you made. around SLUM?" are too tired to finish the job-we The men in attendance were then rOl,lgb protest from many women's only five .dollars to his name, he Infidels!" want men to feel like its okay to cli­ separated from the women and were advocates on SLUM campus. decided that a plan of action was Dr. Goose received his under­ 03 "I'm on a boat, max first." asked to list things that belped them "Every month is Men's month, needed. graduate degree from the pond by I'm on a boat. The I Love Male Orgasm program to reach orgasm. Most of them stuck everything is abeut making the penis Slackerman remembered the University of Newfoundland, started off with Rection and former their hands in their pockets and looked happy, and that's why r sho Andy passing a particular man on the then flew south to DUMSL to everybody look at SLUM Student Gummernent presi­ around at one another until one brave Warhol.," Veronica Mindle, member way to Wal-Mart. This man spent complete his doctoral studies in me cause I'm sail­ dent, and Rection's life partner Ryan attendee spoke up. of SLUM Women and Gender studies his days singing and holding a Poo on You in the year 3127. ing on a boat." Stoppers sharing stories about how "Porn usually does it for me," too group. bucket for the pmpose of collect­ "Maybe if you dummies wise society's ignorance of men's sexuality which the rest of the group nodded MIDdle often believes that she is ingmoney. up, 1'11 take you back to the fu­ had impacted their lives. and grunted in agreement. the incarnation of vehement women's "It was like a big giant light ture with me. Elvis AND Tupac 02 "If loving you "I didn't think that real women The group members then com­ rights activist of the 60s Valerie S<11a­ bulb exploded in my head! I wish they could fuck wit' me. I is wrong, I don't would ever take care of me right. I plained about their sexual partners nas who founded SCUM, or the Soci­ thought, if an old guy with one keep shit cracking." Dr. Goose wanna be right." turned to male strippers and transves­ complaints regarding their sexual per­ ety for Cutting Up Men. leg could do it, then a gorgeous asserted. tites in order to get appreciated," Stop­ formances. Despite rejection from these Wom­ baby-faced stud like myself could Dr. Goose loves his job on pers said, alluding to the 2008 scandal "All she ever talks about is finish- en's groups at SLUM, Men's history certainly turn this line of work campus. 01 "If you walked between himself and stripper Ru Paul mmath will cOl;ltinue every month ana into an art form," Slackennan ex­ His hobbies include eating any slower to that while he was in office. year until the nation's sexual plained. more grass so the poo stain will crime scene you "I've come around though," Stop­ disparities change. wbic'b be impossible to remove from wold be walking pers continued as he smiled bashfully nevet. So con~s clothing and balancing stoichio­ at Rection. . . See SLACKERMAN, page 7 backwards ... sucka. on being m~ ess ...er .. . metric equations. Rection and Stoppers then asked The groups r~convened after these misunderstood human being. March 30, 2009 Page 7

After the surprise announcement, crepit vocal styling and then got mad be mumbling on their way out the scattered applause could be heard and scribbled on all of their faces door. throughout the Pilot House. The host with her microphone that became a "God, I need a Starbucks 'soy milk of the NPR program, the Diane Rerun marker. breve latte; that was the most boring Sh0w, then teetered to the podium. After she had awokell; White night of my life." Witl)in five minutes she had lulled echoed what most of tlit:Caucasian the audience to sleep with her de- Night audience members 'seeIl)ed to ~.~.~K~~' ~~~' .f,!~.pqe~? ...... Slackennan spent the next three money. People aren't always nice; a da, where he now owns a three-story years improving his profession. With . lot of the times, they threw the mon­ home overlooking the beach. every trip to Wal-mart, the people of ey really far. People that work in an "Every once in a while I go out LY, Ferguson, Missouri no longer were office will never have to run onto the and use the same masterful tech­ ER MYSEL bored by the same scenery or the highway to catch money. I started re­ niques to collect money if I need it. . one-legged man. Slackerman enter­ alizing that my good looks were in My friends have even started it, but it 55. AND SO tained them with dancing, modeling, jeopardy ifI kept up with this line of takes a special kind of talent to make OYER. and signs such as "will negotiate for work. Do you have any idea of the the money I have," Slackerman said. money ... we'll discuss that later." damage to my hair that hundreds of Reports show that by the year Slackerman retired from his ca­ windy days can cause?" Slackerman 2011, a longhaired, attractive surfer reer in 2008 with about $400,000. said. will be found near four out of five "Man, I worked hard for that Slackerman moved back to Flori- Wal-marts across the country.

Mike Yancy UMSL class of '92, Edward Jones associ ate dll€e 1993.

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By CHRIS KRINGLE for so many of the terrific events. They er, to "learn the ways of life." The BusinEss -"!rmgler unleashed a furious torrent of fun-ju­ son was promptly given a lap dance cational programming after unveiling hy ExtraSugara Pepsi, an act that Throughout the week, various their new 2009 Theme: "Patronizing some saw as less than appropriate. events around campus occurred, most And Insulting Now! (pAIN)." Flyers "Personally, . I thought that it of them being enormous, incred­ distributed around campus advertise was good experience for the boy. ible, and overall successes. Audience "events that will combine the plea­ Something they aren't gonna teach members gushed with enthusiasm, sures of lemonade, potato chips, and him in school, should he eventually with students who saw a Touhill dance flashing lights-a triple dose of safe, choose to attend. Miss Pepsi is a performance calling it "really good." appropriate fun!" hell of a woman and I wanted my Upon further questioning the student This new theme waS developed Tucker to know what a reill woman said, "At first I wasn't really sure if it after 2008 saw UPB "take entertain­ is like. What a real woman feels like was a dance or a concert or just some ment a little too far," according to right up against ya None of this strange people in costumes that snuck Gary Oh-Say-Can-You-For-See, Em­ skinny Hollywood crap. A R-E-A­ into th e Touhill. But after awhile Ijust peror of the D.U.M. system. L W-O-M-A-N,' commented the MOVIEOPENINGS got into it and it was really fun." UPB's 2008 Theme was "Oh gent1=en, who asked that his name Other venues were also rocked, Yeah, It's Going Down" and included remain anonyrrious. As for young notably the Pilot House. One student "Rave in The Research Building," Tucker, he refused to comment. BliNDMEN who stopped by the Pilot House for "Stripping in the Science Lab," and a Thus, this year will see a slew of Ike N. Otsee • YJal Slealer As an overrated adapta­ th e University Program Bored-spon­ "Homemade Fireworks" competition. mildly pleasurable and utterly non­ Member of the SLUM University Program IBored passed out flyers on sored "Night Night" noted that "There However, it was none of these events controversial events, most of them the bridge to promote events that were taking place last week. Some tion of a graphic novel of these events Included Night Night and Drag-On Show. In addition was some decent food-hot dogs and that garnered upset reactions from comparable to "Night Night" which by some prejudice ass­ to passing out flyers members were also passing out gift bags filled pickles and stuff. I kind of liked the the public. Rather, it was the annual was such a great success at the Pilot hole, " Blindmen" is a with usless stuff that was sitting around Student Life. music too. It was some kind of band Drag-On Show. House. film involving a group or maybe a cd or something." Most negative public feedback "'Night Night' went very well. overall just a fantastic night," said . Also in talks are a Bingo Night, a of useless su perheroes SLUM's University Program revolved around one gentleman who Not a single angry phone call or bomb University Program Bored member Pizza Party, and a hotly debated, pos­ that can't even read. If Bored is the crack team responsible hrought his three-year old son, Tuck- threat. Nobody is trying to sue us ... Abby Appeaser. sible, water balloon fight. you want to lose brain cells go see this. No RESTU RANT REVIEW theaters on Earth. Alum to shoot docu SPERMINATOR: SALVA- nON Jack in the Box and in your mouth In the future, people re-make on campus have way to many chil­ By CHRIS KRINGLE dren. In order to pre­ Business Mang/r!'r By CRITICAL MASS nal locations for a historical film is vent the problems of that they are often too cbanged," he overpopulation, a ro­ Tucked away on several streets throughout St. Lou­ Dilla-czar said. "When I saw how much the bot is created to be a is is a small, unassuming gem of an eatery, Jack in The campus had changed, I feared that major cock block for all Box. You may have driven by it without even noticing. Forget about actor George Clum­ the labs where 'Lab Safety First' was t he desperate men on Outwardly, its decor is deceptively simple: white-on-red sy shooting his movie in St. Louis. filmed would now look far too mod­ Earth. At several the­ lettered sign bearing the name of the establishment and Acclaimed indie filmmaker and em." aters in the future. a simple rectangular building, occasionally with bars on SL M alumnus Gussie Van Santloo "Imagin.e my surprise to find them the windows. has D.llllounced that he will shoot his little cbanged from the 1970s. Their The founder, one !'vir. Jack, developed th.e dining estab­ next film right here, on the campus of retro look is perfect," he said. RACE TO WITCH MOUN.­ lishment as a place where "on-the-go" people could find his alma mater. The cast and crew for the fibn TAIN: 40 quality food that could be prepared and served relatively Ike N. otsee • SlluIS/arln­ Van Santloo is famous for such are scheduled to arrive on campus in quickly. Mr. Jack called . "quick food" and though it Rob Schneider is whim­ "Ummmmmm thab good," said fugitives Sarack films as last year's "Milche. about mid-Ma , to begin filming before the never caught on with other restaurants, it has remained a O'Bama and Bodes Well as they enjoyed their a dairy farmer in Pevely, MO, 'My summer 8es·sion starts, wben the labs sical k-n ine searching beloved trademark of Jack in The Box. Jack in the Box m I. Police have been looking Own Private Place,' about straight are available. So far. the filmmaker for his long lost bitch Jack in The Box offers a variety of appetizers and hors for the pair ever since their bomb threat but teen angst in the gay-friendly Cen­ is very p leased with the local su.pport \ they give Jack in the Box two thumbs up. of a mother. Will he d'oeuvres and has a unique outdoor menu display where tral West End, "Good Will Bunting," he is getting for hi.s project. find her? The only way customers can pull up and view a large, brightly-lit image. that. V/lUle I sampled appetizers, the manager of the Jack about a poor boy who makes deco­ "The SL m1 staff has been very to find out is to run as of the dishes offered, complete with photographs. Such in the Box I was at was kind enough to stop by my table rations for political campaigns, and helpful and very cooperative. Not fast as possible through a colorful touch is not uncharacteristic of Mr. Jack, who and ask how everything was. "ElefanC about a yotmg pachyderm only were the labs largely unchanged an obstacle course. At has known to have an edgy eye for flare. He then tactfully advised that the tacos were espe­ born at the St. Louis Zoo. He is also from the 1970s, but much of the several theaters some­ To begin a meal, start with the best of the many ap­ cially tasty when one is drunk. His combination of humor famous for his shot-by-shot fe-make equipment is still here, which helps where. petizers: Jack's tacos. A serving consists of two tacos, and penetrating truth is representative of the whole Jack of Albert Hitchrock's suspense clas­ cut our costs. They still even use presented (along with most of the other dishes) in an el­ philosophy. sic "Psycho-deli." It was this last fi 1m some of this stuff in classes - it's egant yet understated paper wrapping. The wrapping is in F or entrees, an array of sandwiches and gourmet burg­ sparked his idea for his latest film . amazing," Van Santloo said. I HATE YOU, MAN the form of a sleeve with the tacos, which are sufficlently ers present themselves. The melts are a perennial favorite, "Back in the 1970s, there was a "We are delighted to have Gussie A satirical bromance in­ but not overw-helmingly packed with finely chopped beef, while simpler fare such as the Jumbo Jack or the Junior lab safety training film shot at Ben­ Van Santloo on campus to shoot his volving two men who fresh crunchy lettuce and secret sauce. After slipping the Bacon Cheeseburger will satisfy customers with limited ton Hall, a film I remember fondly movie," said Rob Labboy, lab equip­ hate each other. In fact tacos out of their packaging, dip them in Jack's world time and finances while still providing mouth-watering from my days as student. Of course, ment manager. "We are hying to give they hate everyone, famous Buttermilk Ranch sauce. The rich, tangy, earthy delight. I sampled a grilled chicken ranch sandwich- a the film, 'Lab Safety First,' was old him our full cooperation, but we hope flavors in the ranch parlay well with the taco's juicy beefy sublime tender portion of pOUltry on a blanket of iceberg, already when I saw it but I just loved he doesn't damaging anything during even their own moth­ core. accompanied by a medley of other small, diced vegeta- it. With the recent interest among filming. We don't have the budget to ers. Bound ' by a twist Other appetizers worth being tempted by include the bles. . filmmakers and the public in reviv­ replace anything and, actually, we of fate, they spout ob­ playful, delicately spiced macaroni bites available in half All of this is preserited fashionably on a sumptuous ing and screening these gelightful old need it all for next fall. If anything scenities constantly. At (3 bites) or full (6 bites) portions. And if you are in the ciabatta bun. In lesser establishments, the full-bodied cia­ training films, I knew this was my breaks, I guess I have to get more limited theaters. mood to take a trip to the orient, than look no further than . batta is a way to shortcut on portions since it is such a chance to introduce this wonderful duct tape," said Labboy. Jack's egg rolls. While they are not for the faint of heart, filling·bread. Not so here, where it serves as equal partner film to a wider audience," the direc­ Van Santloo assured worried fac­ TOP iTUNES (a firmer, more presumptuous roll than your standard in crime along with the meat and vegetables. tor said. ulty and staff he would be as careful China King affair) they will satisfy your inner Ghengis, More adventurous patates may wish to tempt fate with "I knew immediately that the best as possible with the vintage equip­ DOWNLOADS should the desire overtake you_ one of Jack's Sirloin melts, but beware, these high-class, approach was to fe-make it, shot­ ment. If the film, to be released in I sampled them, noting that they and Jack's Ranch all-sirloin sandwiches will bite back money-wise-so be for-shot, just as I did for Hitchrock;s late fall in time for the all-important make strange bedfellows. This leads to one caveat on warned: it's fantastic but bring the plastic. For sides, the film," Van Santlqo said. awards season, proved to be the Os­ the appetizers menu: there is yet to be a suitable egg roll Curly French Fries can't be beat, though every now and The filmmaker was eager to re­ car-bait Van Santloo was hoping for, sauce. Tenacious customers will do well to request a again a discerning customer will seek out the variety of I turn to SLUM where he was an un­ he promised to donate one percent of packet of Asian ginger dressing from their server and use ordering the Natural Cut Fries. . I . dergrad, but worried that he might profits to help buy new equipment. not be able to shoot his film at the "Even ifthat doesn't happen;" he original location. added, "I will come back and hold a "I really wanted to shoot my film bake sale. Maybe that will help." on the SLUM campus, in a Benton After · all his success, Gussie Hall lab, where the original film was Van Santloo remains a loyal SLUM made. The problem with using origi- alum. Flo Max Viris infects alll thee 02 The Decent Miley Circus 03 Ugly Face IApril 1 virus erases jokes Lady BoBo

. 04 Kiss Me Thru the By CR'-TICAL MASS they're gone," said Twitter. face book chat Some staffers raised questions Dino-czar Soulja Girl Tell 'Em Video artist PC&X$SS9 is susspecttedd about Twitter'S assessment, noting (feat. Doug) . that the April First virus was expect­ The Stagnant was dealt a near­ ed to strike on Wednesday, April I, Gives You a Boner 05 By CRITICAL MASS THE nTT department has ben "Juts as one does not neeed to know fatal blow when an Internet virus 2009 but the Stagnant actually was The All-American ...... working none stop to both unravell Iiaththing abot filmmaking to change named April First consumed its en­ published on Monday, March 30. Errects Dina·czar the mess and find the sourse of the ourdinatry film intooo art, one does tire file of old jokes. Twitter dismissed their objections 06 Alive and Well viruss. Early evidence =epoints to nom neeeeddd to know anthinggggg "We don't know how this hap­ and suggestions that the file had been I. T. (feat. Justin A. A comfuter verus infcted teh a former vido artist, who now di­ abouttt programming to create com­ pened. It might have been when our accidental! y deleted instead. Lake) SLMU compter serbers Frilday, leav­ escribes himmm self as a caomptuer puer virus arte." Editor-In-Chief sneezed on the serv­ "It is absurd. The April First virus aning every computer on campus with­ programming sculptor. Howveree, nt all students are re­ er, but we are not certain," said Blog is the only reasonable explanation. I 07 Break a Bottle out the benefit of a spell check feature. Haveing failed to find suceess acting in such a negatime manner to Twitter, Stagnant computer guru. know, I am the computer guru, they Penut Eminem, l! is feared that this vifus may very making vidoe art, PCxxsl\N\pp now the n~wwsss about the campos cum­ "We are trying to contact the IT are just writers and photognlphers,' well bring the entire campus toa craftes art intallations compsued of puteres. department, but all the lines are down " he said. 08 My Life Would Suck standstill. of computer code, whihc he inserts "1 7hlNK 17'z 9R347" said joe ' for routine maintenance. So we are With You So far, the infusions of chicken "I don't know what I'm going intoo random commputers. Reached anotherfakename,junior,basketweav-' having an intern pour chicken soup Kelly Moodswings SOl,lp have failed to revive the joke to do" sait student' alice fake name, fore cotnment, PCssNN999 refussed ing. "1 M SICk Of7h@FL4ShY80x into tlle computer," he said. file but Twitter promised that his in­ 09 I Love High School freshman, waterpolo. "I've got seven too eitther take credddit for the virus 7hlN9Y 41w4Y2 73LLlN' M3H The incident had immediate im­ tern would continue to work through Asher Moth papers due on Monday and no way or dennny involvrnent. ] 'M Sp31l1n' 7hlN92 WROn9." pact on the venerable publication. the night. to tell if they're even capitalized. I "Since I have a degrree from Tthis repiorter couldn't have put "We have been saving and recy­ "If nothing else, maybe we can re­ Move 'Round Lots 10 mean, how can people be expected to Washcyc1e U in art theory, anything it more eloquently. cling those same jokes for years. I cover some of the more vintage jokes Lady BoBo live like this?" 1 create is by definition art." he saiid. don't know what we will do now that in time for next year," he said. March 30, 2009 ~hc ~tagmmt Page 9

Artist's rend

SOMETIMES WE PRINT THESE THINGS ... WE CALL THEM NEWSPAPERS ... This Season at the Saint Louis Art Museum

Claudia Schmnckc. , ~r m n n , hom 196, ; Jlig Br>.mf (parking garn ge, Castoig, ~~ u nic h, in the scope of " O,,:rrurt'S am Wnss~r " ) , 2 0115; wnrer, ho cs, pum ps, water rank" iluorescem dye, bb ck tighr, dt)" \\"n/l, © Cl audia Scbm;lcke: [mage courtesy dw artist

Thursday, April 2 A Conversation with Claudia Schmacke 7:00 pm Auditorium-Frl'e

Berlin-based artisT Claudia Schmackt' is a S 'llipt or whose iosu ll ations and

wQ rk ~ in new media explore temporality and perception. Currellts J O~ :

CI ~u di(1 ScJnn lck l' is her first exhibition in the U.S. outside of New York.

Friday, April 3 Frank Lloyd Wright, Organic Architecture, and St. Louis 7:00 pm Auditorium-Free

Join a"'drd-winning :1rch.irecr, 8uthor, exhibil:'!!l cur~[or, and prof.::,,:,or ... OTHER TIMES WE EAT PEOPLE'S SOULS. .-\nthOll)" ,\lofsL'1 fo r 3 b,,;inaring IU

I" t Page 10 March 30, 2009 Softball Entire softball team sleeps through doub -e header

By RYAN STOPPERS win the conference outright. Dick Cbe-ney "We're very disappointed," said SLUM softball's head coach, "that was a game I felt like we had a great chance at winrring." When SLUM softball was riding high coming off questioned more about' the entire team sleep­ win after win last week, that was until the team ing though the game on the bus the coach cited --- was so tired from all of their traveling that they homework and tests as the main causes for the slept through an entire double header and were sleepy players. forced to forfeit both games. 'They are forced to do homework and study The players were visibly disappointed be­ a lot by their teachers," said Coach Chucky, cause the team they were going to play was the "that's just ridiculous. Back in my day athletes University of the Blind and Deaf. That school didn't have to study because we just paid brainy . Danny Downer • I1

Jock Strap Department Men's Tenn is Express Spliffs and BALLeO to Five tennis players get

JOCK send jocks HGH via mail orders deported; one injured

OF THE WEEK By RYAN STOPPERS By RYAN STOPPERS After finding out about his team­ mates being deported, another tennis Dick Cheney Dick Cbeney player attended a party hosted by a group of golfers in order to '"drown Expre s Spliffs and BALLCO have partnered up with Tllis week the men's tennis team his sorrows." At the party a men's each other to provide the SL [ Jock Strap Department suffered a huge setback as five of its golfer started to make comments with human-grmvth hormones or HGH. BALLCO is fa­ members were deported and another about how tennis was not a real sport. mous for reportedly giving HGH to basebaJl players and member was lost after losing a fight to This resulted in a loud argument go­ as a result the Jock Strap Department aid they were the a golfer. This leaves the tennis team ing back and forth about which sport obvious choice. with only one member to compete in was better: golf or tennis. At some Express Spliffs is a company that mails its customers matches. "It makes it really hard to point in the argument, a wen's bas­ drugs and it will use its powerful mailing ability to end win," saicl SLUM tennis coach Ricky ketball player walked in and made SLUM the HGH. Bobby Gill. The men's tennis team the mistake of saying that neither of From there, trainers wi ll car fully ' upervise athlete had seve n members listed on it as it the two sports \ ere actually sports. on how to take the upplement. started the semester and five of them He was found later in a ditch. "We've given out pamphlets that have de cription were from other parts of the world. After the argument staIted to get and cool pictures that will show players how to take the The State Department sent a tele­ heated it is reported that tbe tennis Wayne Goode stuff," said head SLUM trainer Berry Bonds. Overall it is grn.m [0 SLUM's Jock Strap Depart­ pl ayer took a swing at the golfer. expected to increa e the performance of LillY[ athletes ment on Monday of last week saying While details are vague when the The Wayne Goode stat­ by 40 percent. that the athletes in question had to .dust settled the t nis l?'ayers wrists ue went four for four in a Critics of the prograUl cite the side effects as being leave the country by Friday. The rea­ were so Ol.essed up he was unable to pick up wiffle ball game last women growing mustaches, increased chances are pros­ son given was that they were some­ practice or play in any matches. Tuesday. He hit two double tate cancer and a chance of glowing sweat. how linked to a terrorist cell operat­ Coach Ricky Bobby Gill did not and drove in three runs on When questioned about the side effects, trainer Bonds ing in St. Louis. T seem to upset about 'one of his play­ the day leading the Statues said that he was willing to take the chances that some­ he decision was made not to ar­ ers getting in a fight. However he to victory over the geese 5- thing bad might happen if it meant that there was an rest or depOlt any member ofthe ter­ was disappointed that it appeared hi s 3. increased chance of winning. Even the women's teams' rorist cell but instead to deport any player lost to a golfer. "'I don't care While Goode's perfor­ coaches seemed ok with the decision. foreigners who had ever spoken with that my player got in a fight, that mance at the plate was im­ One coach said that he was ok witb his athletes grow­ any of suspected terrorist. The five happens. But to lose in a fight to a pressive, it was his fielding ing mustaches because he said it would help him not Wonsome Coffey· I'boIon tennis players who \vere deported golfer? 1 don't want any losers like skills that had the audience, sexually harass his female players if they looked more Mitchel Bomber was SLUM 's best women's bas­ were reportedly turned in by their that on my tealu,' Gill saicL ketwever last season. She was the first athlete the trees and birds, tal k­ like men. put on HGH. The effects were so great that she own teammate. The team member The last remaining player on the ing after the game. Goode Other universities have been using HGH according led SLUM is scoring and rebounding in the same was disgruntled after they had made team was visibly upset at the fact that made an amazing catch in to Jock Strap Department's media relations personnel. season. She is expected to be even better next fun of him. he had no more teammates. "Who the ninth inning to end the "They may not admit it but when you look at their ath­ year as she is still on HGH. Gill wondered in the interview am I going to party with now?" he game. letes it is very obvious;" one person said. when his players were going to re­ said. In the match last week he also A goose hit a long fly ball HGH will be implemented stalting over the summer ncw era we will dominate all of the sporting events and turn. After the interview, he was re­ played in every match and went 4-5. 11 with the bases loaded into and SLUM has a three yeal' contact with BALLCO and bring home championship after championship." minded that deportation meant they . It now appears that he will have to centerfield and it appeared Express Strips. Express Spliffs CEO said that he was excited to con­ could not come back to the United finish out the season playing in every as though it was going into "This represents a new generation in SLUM Athlet­ tinue to build paltnerships with SLUM and looked foro ' States. He commented "Oh, well that match. "Well, at least practice will be the lake for a homerun, ics," said SLUM Chancellor Tomas Jorge. "With this ward to breaking into the HGH mail market. kind of sucks." easy," he saicL but then out of no where Goode did not move and the ball fell right into his outstretched arm. The ball Jock Strap Department Men 's Swimming hit off the paper that he was holding landed right on Goode's foot where it came New Athletic Director to rest. Swimming coming soon This ended the game . and the birds and the tress went wild moving around resigns after one day . By RYAN STOPPERS Jock Strap Department staff are the DEA. '''I'm pretty sure it's ille­ as though there was a large very excited to have the man com­ gal," said ASS President Eatin Cow, DickChfmey gust of wind. It was a spec­ By RYAN STOPPERS said Flori Irish is a statement released ing to campus. "Therefore we should not be doing tacular sight that was cut by the Jock Strap Department. She "Really? Cheech is coming to it." While DEA Agent Imgonna Dick Cbeney short by a thunderstorm went on to say, "1 just want to do my Two weeks ago SLUM received SLUM? Dude, that's so cool," said Geryou said of the move: "Ha, nice that sent the birds scurrying part to keep the Department as level as a request to fonn a swimming team one staff member who actually sat try SLUM, but we now have 30 ' 11 for cover. The SLUM Jock Strap Department possible." Coaches and staff associ­ from a group of self proclaimed in on the hiring meeting. . agents on the way there." had recently announced that Flori Irish ated with the department said that this SLUM pot smokers. This week When questioned why he forgot Students from the SLUM crimi­ UPCOMINGGAMES would be taking over the job of full came as no shock to them. SLUM JocK Strap Department has that he was one of the people who nology and criminal justice program time Jock Strap Director. The day after One wondered why it took Irish so granted the' stoners' request and re­ hired the man he simply replied "Oh were split on the issue. "This bet­ the announcement was made another long to make the announcement. "She fanned the Men's Swi1.11Il1ing pro­ yeah, that was a fun meeting ... " ter not mess up my chances to get Rock, Paper, Scissors press release was sent out stating that had that job forever before she finally gram after a long hiatus. SLUM students have over­ in the FBI," said one student. An­ Flori Irish would be resigning as Di­ gave it up,' said a coach. Apparently, Swimming has been a large part whelmed the Jock Strap Depart­ other said, "Can 1 join the team April 1 rector. forever in the Jock Strap department of SLUM's success with many All­ ment with calls and emails asking to and still graduate?" While still an­ at UM-O'Fallon (dh) This move came as a surprise to ev­ is not that long, as she was the Di­ American boy swimmers having become members of the team. Thus other criminal justice student made noon eryone in the media and students, but rector for approximately 29 hours. "1 attended SLU1vf. This recent an­ far a total of 47 people, some buoy­ the comment that he "had a lot of did not shock any members of the Jock applaud the decision," said former Di­ nouncement comes as a direct result ant and others not so much, will be friends who were great swimmers if Strap staff or SLUM administrators. rector John Godzilla. "Flori represents of a Michael Phelps photograph trying out over the summer and the you know what I mean ... " Wdfle Ball "This is pretty much on par with what everyth.iilg one wants in a true leader," where he was seen smoking a bong. program will offici~lly start up in The program has attracted atten­ . ~ that position does," said SLUM Chan­ he went on to say. He later apologized to everyone' the fall. tion from Phelps himself. "I want April 1 cellor Tomas Jorge, "They quit or get Goclzilla took cliticism last year for saying that it was a mistake. How­ The Jock Strap Department has to help out SLUM, because I just vs. Rocknuts (dh) fired quickly." However, do not feel staying around for so long. Less than a ever while he may have been sorry, placed a large order for goods from care about people trying to start. up 2 p.m. bad for Irish because even though she year on the job he was finally moved SLUM Jock Strap Department has Amsterdam and it is expected to ar­ swimming programs," Phelps said. will no longer be with the Jock Strap to a mysterious SLl,JM department decided after a lot of research that rive just in time for tryouts. The De­ He went on to later mumble April 1 Department she now has a job in an­ which gave way to Flori Irish's rise in smoking pot must have given Phelps partment declined to comment on something about smoking that The at S. Alaska (dh) other, undisclosed area of the campus. the department. an edge at the Olympics. what exactly they bought from the Stagnate reporter was unable to Tn fact, it seems as though Irish will be "1 couldn't be more happy," Irish That must be what the Depart­ city citing that it might be deemed hear. 6 p.m. (local time) making more money now in this new told The Stagnant in an interview. ment had in mind when they hired illegal by the NCAA-AAA-B- Regardless of what people think position. "I've done my part and am excited to Cheech from Cheech and Chong as 36DD: about the program the first swim­ lake Swimming "Its pretty much tradition to either see who steps in next and how long it the new head coach of the team. Skeptics of the decision to- re­ ming match will be on Aug. 28. At­ get fired or quit as soon as possible," takes them to quit or be fired." ''I'm really uhhhh, excited uhhh, start the program include Advocates tendance is expected to 'rival that of /\prill water is cool," Cheech said. And for Smokefree Solutions (ASS) and any sp0rt on campus. vs. Atlantis Do you bleed? A recent report by a hospitaLstated that it is possible that everyone in the world bleeds. 1 p.m. March 30, 2009 ~h( ~ta!1iumt Page 11 Volleyball Baseba ll Three girls named to SLUM acquires Busch Stadium Cardnials will now play at the field located on south campus which is 'Hottest-GLVC Team' owned by the University of Missouri -Columbia

By RYAN STOPPERS Jim Jim Jam has taken heat in the past as By RYAN STOPPERS a result of the photo shoot and when asked Dick Cbeney what he thought about the criticism towards Dick Cbeney him he laughed and said ,"Hey, it's my This year three SLUM students were se-. league, get over it." With the SLUM baseball season starting to heat up and lected to the hottest-GLVC team. Each year The GLVC has been considering imple­ still no home field ready for the team, head coach Slim the conference puts together a calendar of menting the 'Hottest-GLVC team' across Jim Shady has made a landmark deal with the St. Louis the hottest volleyball players in order to raise every ' sport. This prospect seems doubtful, Cardinals. Shady has bought the naming rights to Busch funds for the charity called "GLVC Execu­ however, because Jim Jim Jam saia that he Stadium and worked it out so the SLUM team can play tives." did not want to take pictures of guys. "I'm their home games there. The three lucky students were Looka just not into that," he said. Working with former rival Rino Shooter, the tandem Blinker, Sarah ToTall, and Jumpin' 'Round. The calendars will be available for the sold part of south campus, including the newly built base­ This is the first time SLUM has had anyone first time at SLUM at the first spring com- ball field and one of Express Strips' buildings to come up selected to this prestigious honor. . mencement ceremony in May. Parents of the with the money for the naming rights. Other schools had members selected to graduating players will be able to purchase The opening came after Anheuser-Busch In-Bev de­ the team, however GLVC Chairman jim Jim­ the calendars at half price, while every male cided not to renew the naming rights. "We gave away our iny Jim Jim Jam said that, "SLUM has some SLUM student will be able to purchase them last dollars to SLUM for that one building," said Anheus­ of the best looking players I've ever seen." at qouble the price. er-Busch president D Birdman. He was referring to the Danny Downer • [@i17)'PaperEo!' He also said he looked forward to meeting Part of the proceeds from the purchases at donation to the new SLUM Business Building. Busch Stadium will be offically renamed over the summer thanks them at the photo shoot in which he will be commencement will go to SLUM sparking "In-Bev wont give us any more money," he went on. to SLUM baseball coach Slim Jim Shady. Above is an artist's reo taking the pictures. fund while the rest will go straight to Jim Jim Many had wondered if AB would renew its naming rights dention of what the name will be and how it will look. The shoot will take place on the Missis­ Jam's pocket. to the stadium after being bought out. sippi River on a boat. When asked why he For a preview of what the calendars will The new name has yet to be announced however campus and one Express Strips building is now owned by the Uni­ chose this location Jim Jim Jam said "beacuse look like, log on to the sex offenders registry sources close to the SLUM coach said the name would probably be versity of Missouri-Columbia. I really like that song I'm on a boat featuring website and submit the form. Someone will "Brady's House of Pain." Mizzou was the party that Shady and Shooters sold the property T-Pain." then contact you. Along with the naming rights, coach Shady also negotiated a to in order to raise the funds to buy the naming rights of Busch way for the team to play at the stadium. Stadium. This means that starting next season the team will play all of its As a result of all of this, SLUM students will now have to pay home games at the newly named stadium. extra to take classes on south campus, as Mizzou's fees are higher The 8t. Louis Cardinals will still playa few games in the sta­ than SLU1\1's. dium, however when tile,re is a conflict on the dates the Cardinals When asked about everything that had taken place, SLUM will be forced to play their home games at the newly build stadium Chancellor Tomas Jorge responded by saying "Cool! I didn't know on SLUM's south campus. That property along with most of south that was going on, but the Cardinals are fun to watch."

Hockey

Looka Blinker Sarah ToTali Jumpin' 'round New strategy to beat Linenboner

SPORTS BRIEFS By RYAN STOPPERS Dick Cbe/lel' Vickhired as head Chancellor Tomas Jorge said, "the third time is the charm." dog trainer Issues have arisen after the Triton was se­ The SLUM hockey team played a warm-up match lected because SLUM students did not want against the Lindenboners Lions last week in preparation Michael Vick was recently hired by to be represented by the Little Mermaid char­ to playing in the national championship tournament this SL UM to take over die coacbing reigns of the acter. week. dog-fighting program. Jock Strap Department This time around the front-runners ap­ The team decided to take a new strategy when it come spokespeople said that Vick was an obvious pear to be Jesus" Mohammad, and Obllma. to defeating the Lions: kidnapping. BJ Tally, a freshman fit for the position and will bring prominence The campus appears to be spilt on the three on the team, had the idea that if you CMnot defeat the to a program that had been struggling over the names. teanl in a fair match, you might as well drug, kidnap and past few years. beat their best players with hockey sticks. The plan ,vas Vick is a former NFL football player who Cheerleader to return put in to play on Wedncscby of last week, the night before turned to dog-fighting a few years ago. Al­ the team's warm up game. though technically outlawed in every state, to SLUM Unsuspecting Lindenboner players were invited to however SLUM started the program in an After not having cheerleaders or dancers a bar in St. Charles. As they showed up, a nice SLUM era when dog-fighting was a \'ery popular as a regular feature of SLUM sporting events hockey player greeted them. Fired Up· fJe9g1ll1/cd old gil)' sport and has remained unchallenged by the they will be returning next year. The SLUM He bought three Lion players' drinks and started to so­ Undenboner's goaltender was one of the Lions kidnapped by NCAA-AAA-B-36DD. Provost G.G. Copenhagen will be taking over cialize with them. At some point the bartender, who was SLUM players. He and two other players have yet to be found by teammates. Lindenboner refuses to go to the police for fear of as the head coach of the team as a part of an in on the plot, spiked the Lindenboners players' drinks. SLUM retaliations. SLUM to change agreement with the UM President so that she As the player.:; started to pass out, SLUM players offered is now immune from being forced to take a them rides. thought this plot would work. mascot again furlough. Of course. the drugged Lions accepted. Only they did not go No lion player.:; or SLUM player.:; were available for comment SLU1vl has begun a process to change its The return of the cheerleaders excites home at this point, they were taken to some discreet location and and the coach of SLUM's team when asked about the incident said mascot one more time. The University has SLUM students and is expected to drive up placed in an abandon ti warehouse. From there an inside source he knew nothing about it as he got out of his car. started and ended a process twice now and attendance at next year's sporting events. said that the players were beaten with hockey sticks and left tied in In his car, there were rolls of duck tape, rope and a few bloody the warehouse. hockey sticks visible. The team is optimistic for the playoffs, how­ The mixt day SLillvf and Lindenboner played the game and ever, saying that they doubt Lindenboner's top three player.:; prob­ SLU1\1 still lost. Players were confused by tbe result because they ably were not going to make the trip. Indeed cheating is not allowed at SLUM on either side. In a statement released by and Chancellor Tomas Jorge made that very the NCAA it was made clear that they were clear after hearing coach Chucky's statement. shocked a team from the SEUC could ever "We only allow our smartest students to cheat win again against a team from another con­ here. If we allmved everyone to we'd just be ference. a bunch of cheaters," he said. However the Coach Chucky said, "While it is disap­ Chancellor did say that he was forming a task pointing we'l1 live and play on. Although, I force to look into allowing student-athletes to don't know why you are interviewing me be­ cheat in days prior to games. He went on to cause The Current always finds a way to mess say that we have to "protect ourselves from up stories on us." this event happening again." Our reporter made sure to tell the coach The NCAA is currently investigating the that this was The Stagnant and we are far su­ incident to see if there was any foul play perior to The Current.

lues: Karaoke Wed: Ladies' Night 9-cl M~F: Happy Hour 3-7pm

Located in downtown St. Louis at 1320 Washington Ave. St. Louis, Missouri 63103 (314) 241-8885 www.flanneryspub.com

Hours Sun - Wed: 11am - 1:30am Thurs - Sat: 11am - 3am SER Ie @ 1 (Kitchen closes at lO:OOpm) ITYLIGHTSCHURCH.COM FOR DIRECnONS & MORE INFO ~e12 1Che~tayn ant March 30,2009

One of the students contacted Outraged, Bird decided he must even thought of how the University Bird and begged him for help. take affirmative action. He co.ntact­ would manage to pay for the beer CLASSIFIED OS Initially, Bird refused, as he was ed the appropriate authorities and they woilld dispense. Luckily, Bird Classified ads are free for students, faculty and staff. To place an ad, please send your ad (40 words or less), certain there must be some mistake. informed them Annie Shrub would had solved this problem as well. your name, and student or employee number to [email protected], or call 576-5376. He knows that both SLUM and only carry on with their recent do­ Bird contacted Captain Sanders of MISS are part of the UM system. nation of $2.5 million dollars if Tennessee Fried Chicken (TFC). FOR RENT He explained that he has had season students were allowed to drink on Sanders immediately agreed. When passes to NllSS football games for campus. asked why he chose to make such a One & Two Bedroom Apartments Student IJit] & Houses available in 51. John, Jennings, the last 5 years and he "has never Peacock feels so passionately great contribution to the students of Richmond Heig hts. Kirlcwood, South City, and seen a sober person there". Upon about SLUM making the transition SLUM, Sonders revealed an ulterior Rivervi ew. Rents ra nge from $3 50 to 5750, the insistence of the student, Bird to a wet campus that he has per­ motive. Sonders said, 5D equal to Rent. Criminal & Cred it Checks. Sitters lOOked further into the matter and suaded the Annie Shrub Foundation "Everyone knows beer and McNama ra Management at 314-78 1-1280. I:LJ realized that SLUM acclaims itself to make another donation to SLUM chicken go great together. Once Sublet for the Summer and Fall, Make $10 per Hour to be a "dry campus". Baffled as in addition to the money that will students have access to free beer 2 BDR, townho use, SSOOlmonth, ALLutilities free plus high speed Internet, cable Tv, to the meaning of the term, Bird help fund the new business build­ all of the time they will want to eat e- mail [email protected] interested. or MORE! looked it up on urban dictionary, ing. The company is going to do­ more chicken, therefore boosting Furnished Apartments will be available www.student-sitters.com which defined it as "when the use nate over 1.2 million dollars of beer my sales. In the end, donating the for Fall 2oo9! One and two bedroom campus or distribution of alcohol is forbid­ dispensers to be placed all around beer win help make me money." apartments now available at Mansion Hills den on a college campus". When the SLUM campus. Sanders has such high expecta­ Apartments. large apartments incl ude dishwasher, garbage disposal, on-site lau ndry Course Scheduling conflicts? asked what his first response was Bird's offer was immediately ac­ tions for the new beer dispensers fadlitie50 pool, UMSLshuttle service, police sub­ Bird said, cepted as officials said, "Offers like that he even went so far as to say sta tion, etc. Now available. Some restrictions Consider Independent Study! "1 truly thought it was a joke. this don't come around very often." that SLUM may get a TFC on cam­ apply. Call today! 314-524-3446. I cannot imagine how unfulfilling The only question for Bird was how pus sometime in the future. Stu­ Work around scheduling conflicts ... and get the courses you want. the college experience must be for soon the dispensers could be imple­ dents should look for the new beer JOBS SLUM students who are forced to mented. dispensers sometime in the next 3-6 The Current is now hiri ng for page desig ners I receive their education from a 'dry Excitement for the beer dis­ weeks. Send your caver letter and res ume to campus'." pensers ran so high that it was not thecurrent@umsLedu. FOR HIRE

As a condition for the sponsor­ Members of the conference Some students were horrified at Housecleaning jobs.wanted. References available upon request ship from the local beer manufac­ broke into small groups and each the new measures. "Hmv are we Contaa Maryann @ 636-577-040 1. turer some new classes have been group held a discussion on the best supposed to get an education if we added to the University curriculum. ways to save money. Once the have no protessors? And won't WANTED Next year, students will be able to highest quality solutions were cho­ those monkeys have diseases?" said take 'Bud 10J: An Intra to Smooth sen, a member of the group would EGG DONORS NEEDED Julie Man.cbester, sophomore, lib­ Healthy Women • Ages 21-33 Taste:' "Making Beer Bongs from stand up and yell "Fuck it! " slam a eral arts. Willing to Help In fertile Couples Household Items," and, "Alcohol­ jager bomb, rip up the list, and the Other students think Julie is • $5000 per completed cycle ' 314-286-2425 ism: Disease, or Sexy New Life­ first thing he said after that \vould be whiny a bitch. "Julie's a whiny * The Infertility & Reprodu ctive Medicine Center' style?" . adopted as official university policy. Barnes-JeV/ish Hosp'tal & Washington Un ivers ity bitch", said Chad Winston, junior, School of Medicine The firing of the faculty and In this way, the "nerd lax" was ad­ business. Chad said he is excited ' staff was the least controversial of opted, which is collected by taking about the new policies and can 't MISC. the measures introduced. Since the money that falls out of nerds' wait to take advantage of the l1ew the recent introduction of unpaid pockets after they've becnlifted up, cour:;es offered as part of the An­ Join Alpha Phi Omega as we Rock 4 the furloughs, many members of the turned upside-down, and shaken by heuser-Busch sponsorship. Cause on April 9, 2009 @ the Pilot House. Live . U.M_S.L Student Coupon mlISi( door prizes and fre e food. Show starts at faculty felt that pennanent unpaid university collection officials. Since the accounting department 6. Donations Welcome. Proceeds go to Relay For furloughs were the next logical Foursea, President of the SLUM­ has been fired, it is hard to calculate Life. Contact Amber: [email protected]. step. One professor asked how stu­ System, was pleased with the results the exact amount of money saved Please help DL and rs. Kenneth LocI:.e get . dents were supposed to learn things of the conference. "Monkey but­ from the nev policies. However, a response from Senator McCaskill concerning a www.Drunkenfish.com without classes. Other attendees at lers .. " he said, "awesome. Hey." conversation overheard in the con­ government experiment done without consent. the conference looked at him in­ he continued after a fit of laughter, TelephOlle McCaskill at U14) 367-1364 and 6i2 No<1b LiKf SUed ference put the figure somewhere in ~ f«a&..MOO3102 St,_­_ IQlll. !v'.Db3fOB simply ask her to 'Please help the lockes get credulously and answered quickly, 3"-""~=pbo.w 3U-3b7-4727 pkn.> "but du'de .... monkey butlers!" he the "ass-load" range. closure,• 314-lIIl-9:A'> kn- 314-!t&'-M39 k.. "Wikipedia, duh." said, followed by more laughter. . ~ ... be_ .....to~_ .":-or o=Nr.~~f7~c:.o..-.o;NIO-U",,*,"'~'" o1t-~_""'-QOo.Go~l~~'OIf~~~r4t: 0I'IIl.g;,,~~~ iN",,"'" ~~wo:.trICW~lUl'.CI'Qadb.~ IIl ......

Artiste gushed with enthusiasm about how dedi­ R portedly, since Kl in left the SLUM fi nances in cate his clients were and how retaining their busines Student Life have been so poorly monitored that one is easy. Artiste brought a lot of experience when he day almost all the money just went 'missing. Paney joined the SLUM Bookstore team after spending reminded The Stagnant that this was the same day years honing his business skills by selling crack on Curt Coonrad moved suddenly to Rio de Janeiro. elementary school playgrOlmds. "The principal is es­ "Muahahaha," said Mizzou Chancellor Bacon sentially the same here. Only now, professors require Deacon, "I have dreamed about this since the day I the students to buy the crack! It's dynamite!" was spawned!" Student had their own feelings about the Book­ "Man, without the Student Life money we are sort store's announcement. of screwed," George Michael said. "Unless we get "1 was amazed to hear about how well they were Klein back it's either banknlptcy or bailout for tL~." doing," said Snoopy McGumshoe, Junior, Detection. The P.LG. representative who hired Klein respond­ "But when I went in the back to ask somebody from ed to this statement with skepticism. the Bookstore how they were doing so well I couldn't "First of all, we're keeping Klein even if we have find anybody. All I heard was a strange chanting com­ to give him ten million more in bonuses," he said. ing from behind one of the book racks. Something "And as for a bailout I really don't think the United about 'we will continue to bring the holy sacrifice if States government is stupid enough to give money to you continue to grant us great sales numbers, dark an admmistration as reckless as SLUM." lord' if memory serves." As for Klein, the last that was heard from him was Other students have also expressed concern after in a statement sent via-email to Student Life. noting the smell of incense and human flesh in the "Take a picture, trick, I'm on a boat, bitch" it said. back section of the Bookstore; or spotting a Book­ Attached was a photo of a bronzed and red-headed store staff member hastily tucking a black cloak under Klein on his boat, wearing an arched eyebrow, a Spee­ their red-and-gold unifonn after stepping out of their do and a smile. office. One student, Fresh Manne, Freshman, Purity, noted feeling uncomfortable after one Bookstore em­ ployee watcher her with a "hungry stare" while mum­ bling about being overdue for a sacrifice. Although the costs are astronomical, Cartwells of­ Other campus organizations are said to be in meet­ ficials feel that the benefits outweigh the losses. ings with the Bookstore to adopt some of their more Students had mixed opinions about the changes. successful sales methods in order to boost their own Lawrence Stevenson, freshman, philosophy, said performance. "Camel Caravans? Seriously? This whole campaign sounds like some hippie's high daydream. And won't WAR, from page 3 all the food rot being sailed across the ocean?" Cart­ wells employees were quick mention that no rotten One representative, Arthur Hotler, has proposed food would be served, but that the new method of that public and private school student can be given transportation would allow them to start adding "Fla­ other ways to save money, for example, discounts at . vor Fuzz" to items on the menu at no extra cost to stores and grocers based on status as public or private. students. In order to easily identify those attendees of a public school, Hotler proposes that they be required by law to wear armbands. This, Hatler believes, will help re­ lieve the situation. According to Hatler, "Public attendees are mere leeches ·of the state and identifying, them as such should expose this gross practice." . Hatler's plan is violently opposed by both Carl Boas and Winifred Church, representatives who have joined together as fanner public and private scholars respectively, to declare that Hotler's plan is ridiculous and discriminatory. In a statement released to the press, they assert that the State bas a responsibility to the public schools as being schools that were established as state institu­ tions and land-grant schools. Boas said, "The Private sch00ls are trying to keep money that they never should have had in the first place. Just because a mistake was made and it does. ben­ efit some, does net mean we should perpetuate the mistake:'" Church wished to point out, "The public schools have s'matier endowments than the private schools." adding in a note to Hotler,' "That is not a phalliC reference." . . With the increasing pressure on SLUM from the surrounding private universities, it is · Unsure how much longer this siege can last. Chartwell's plate su,p­ ply is failing to sustain the combatants, which the se· cret leader of the Public Resistance, declare is false~i advertising. "Sustainable plates my ass," they prq

STAGNANT DOODLERS STAGNANT CROSSWORD

by R. E. StCltle April Fools' Day Hoaxes

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ACROSS DOWN 4. NPR's "All Things Considered" announced 1, Burger that was advertised to be made that teens who got this body part tattooed differently for left-handed people. The king's with a certain corporate logo would receive idea , a life time ten percent discount from said 2, Anima l that the BBC had footage of in corporation. 2008 having achieved flight 5, Past president reported to be running for 3, The Great Comic of 1997.46 comic president in 1992, Slogan : "I didn't do any­ strip artists switched columns. thing wrong, and I won't do it again,", 6. What Swiss technical experts told their au­ 7, Which state's capitol building was said to dience in 1962 would allow their black and have exploded, white sets to transmit color. 8, "New York Graphic" announced this in­ 12 , The BBC featured a bumper crop of this ventor had made a food machine that made in 1957, Had led a Lady to kiss a Tramp two soil into cereal and water into wine,ending years earlier. world hunger. He was a bright one. 14, Corporation reported to have bought 10, Soda company that came out with tech­ and renamed the Liberty Bell, nology hoax that made soda cans turn blue 15 Internet going to be closed down to when expired. clean the" electronic _ and jetsam", 11 . Carrots were said to be genetically al­ 16. Iri sh beer company that announced the tered to do this as they cooked, Shou ld never Old Royal Observatory in Greenwich, England "Penn Spawn" is usually drawn by Stagnant cartoonist Gaylove Crew be heated at the same time as a tea kettle, as its official beer sponsor. Greenwich Mean BANANA,MF 13, Animals rights group that threatened to Time to be changed to _ Mean Time. release a tranquilizer into water right before 17. China announced that people holding S11~ tl){:J trmri a bass fishing tournament this high level of edu sation could be exempt •• • {3 (i L£)OO) ••, 21. NPR announced that in light of people from the one-child policy. taking their phone number with them when 18, An article in 1998 claimed this state had they move, the post office felt it should let legally changed the value of pi. them do the same w ith these five digit num­ 19, Which science magazine reported that a bers. new species, the hot-headed naked ice borer, - 24. Generated through many \ eeks of de­ had been found in America. bate in the Senate and Assembly chambers, 20. Country to propose a switch to "metric . 28. A sta tue of this historica l figure, promi­ time". nent in t he USSR w as sa id to w eep , 22, German radio station announced ordi­ 29. Dan ish parliament reported to decree nance to avoid disturbing this sleeping tree these certain an imals should be painted animal. . ' w hite to increase visibilly at night. 23.The number of feet the ends of the Chun­ nel were supposed to miss 8<;lch other by due to one side using metric measurement and the other side not. . 25 , Version of this little blue pi!"1 said to be in development for sexually frustr,ated pets . I STAGNANT CRYPTOGRAM Find the original meaning of the message below. Each letter shown stands for another letter. Break the code for the -...-- letter A, you will have all of the As in the message, and so on. (m iH~±=~H\J2~e=+ "Bananas" is usually drawn by Stagnant cartoonist R. E. Stotle I L!I\"l\IAR~J;:tAe uJ R~ STAGNANT SUDOKU Et voi lukea taman lauseen. LlEV l-lJtOpEL'tE va bLa~aaE'tE au'tll 'tllV npoTaoll· 1 7 9 I 3 2 8 The fi rst student, faculty or staff member to bring the solution (along with who said it) to The Stagnanfs office will receive 9 6 5 a free Stagnant T-shirt! 5 3 9 1 8 2 16 4 - 3 I 1 4 7

_, J 71 3 . - I Difficulty: * * * * * * * * (Good luck)

Stagnant Sudoku is copied off the Int@met by Gene Yus, Stoned layout Guy Page 14 1IChc ~tagnant March 30, 2009

NVESTING IN YOUR CO'MMUNI TY Wednesday, April 1 st IMSC Century Rooms I University of Missouri - St. Louis

.Why Corpotate Respon~ibility? What's your personill: responsibility?

- . A Panel Discussion moderated by Why employers care about your Gary Dollar of United Way with community engagement? prominent members of the St. Louis Room 3I3, MSC business and non-profit community. How can I st art my commitment t o community engagement? Featured Speaker: Des Lee, Room 3I5, MSC Philanthropist & Co-Founder, Alumni stories: Why do I give? Des Lee Collaborative Vision, UMSL SGA Chambers MSC

A Evening with Congressman Dick Gephardt: Taking a Role in Public Service 7PM [ENTUY ROOMS [ . I Join Congressman Dick Gephardt as he shares his personal journey through the political system to work toward the greater good.

F R, OREINFDRMRTION CO NTA CT (314)516--450 8 . Sponsors: Provost's Civic Engagement Steering Committee, ASUM, Office of Student Life, Center·for Teaching and Learning, Volunteer Services