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Home , Klaus Maria Brandauer, Never Say Never Again

Non-Bond

Never Say Nevver Again (1983), Directed by

By Fearless Young Orphan

For my friend Max, who convinced me to give it a try.

Never Say Never Again has two big strikes against it, which are not really its fault. Let’s acknowledge those before we move on. First, it’s a remake of . There is a long and complicated legal history behind the remaking of Thunderball, about which I do not really care. What concerns me is that so far, Thunderball is what I consider the worst of all the Bond movies (barring that thing with Halle Berry, which I have yet to watch again for the purposes of this project). I can’t think why anyone would want to make Thunderball once, much less twice. It’s a plot so lame that it has become a joke: villain steals nukes and holds the world hostage. intervenes. But here it is, one more time.

The other strike? Thanks to the same legal mess that lurks behind this remake, this is not officially a “Bond” movie, therefore it either entirely lacks, or disconcertingly duplicates, everything that is familiar to me from the EON Bond movies. It starts like a regular old movie, with no opening shot of a little Bond in the scope of a rifle, and none of that great “baum badda di baum ba ba ba, baum badda di baum ba ba ba” music; I feel lost. There’s no ridiculous “intro” action, there’s no naked-lady-filled opening music video. I am amazed to discover that I need those things; those are the things that tell me “turn off your common sense, FYO, because you’re going to see a Bond film.”

So I’ll try to set those problems aside as I discuss NSNA, and be fair about what is left.

Here is the big fat positive thing: for everyone who really missed , he returns in this one, being about the same level of Bond-cool as he was in Diamonds are Forever. You know, not the initial kick-ass Bond of Dr. No, but not in the doldrums of You Only Live Twice. Once again, his personality solves a lot of problems because he’s an The big fat positive thing. easy actor to watch, and is convincing in the part. It’s quite a shame that he didn’t have a real crackerjack of a film in which to play.

I appreciated that he was playing a slightly older, somewhat grumpily middle- aged Bond, who is being forced by his new boss to undergo numerous tests of his competence (the opening credits cover one such test), and a strict diet and exercise regiment at a castle spa. So just like in Thunderball, Bond is at this fancy spa, bedding his masseuse, and completely coincidentally stumbles across the next SPECTRE plot. NSNA doesn’t change the fact that it’s a coincidence, just covers it up a little better. If I hadn’t seen Thunderball already, I might not have even noticed.

As in Thunderball, SPECTRE’s Number Two agent, egomaniacal Largo, has stolen two nuclear warheads by means of abducting and brainwashing a pilot. The pilot’s sister happens to be Largo’s mistress Domino (again, coincidence? Who the hell knows?). Much of the intrigue plays out in the sunny Bahamas, this time on Largo’s yacht rather than on a SPECTRE-approved giant aquarium. The missiles are aimed at two very important spots in the world: the U.S. Capitol and the Middle Eastern oil fields. If SPECTRE doesn’t get an enormous ransom from each country, KABOOM! If you want any more detail than that, you’re not going to get it from me.

So we have a new cast as the characters, including as Largo, a young as Bond-girl Domino, and Pamela Salem as Ms. Moneypenny. There are others, too, a different “” (, but this makes sense because his character is actually supposed to be a different guy now), a different (but actors portraying Felix have been numerous) and a different (Alex McCowan, whom Bond refers to as “Algy” – the first time I’ve heard Q given a name).

The biggest shocker for me was appearing as Blofeld, white kitty- cat and all. Max von Sydow is about as serious, powerful and respected an actor as I can name, having cut his movie teeth in Sweden under the direction of Ingmar-Freaking-Bergman (his actual name!) and seeing him turning up as Blofeld nearly leaves me speechless. But it’ll be a cold day in hell before I’m completely speechless, so I’ll say this much: I didn’t know whether to be delighted or mortified. If Blofeld had only been given more to do, I might have been delighted. I wouldn’t mind seeing von Sydow get his considerable presence into the villain instead of just barking orders at a couple of meetings. Von Sydow has an uncanny ability to seem kind and grandfatherly just as he’s about to say the scariest thing you’ve ever heard.

And we have a new character in the mix, Fatima Blush as portrayed by . Ms. Carrera is sexy, I suppose, though her wardrobe is simply terrifying. God, she wears the ugliest, tackiest 1983-music-video clothes. It looks like Prince dressed her. Fatima Blush is an assassin working for Largo, and seemingly in love with him too, but that doesn’t stop her from experiencing the total-Bond treatment in the lower decks of a ship, right before she tries to kill him with sharks. Yes, sharks, AGAIN. The crazy woman has countless opportunities to kill Bond some other way (poison, firearms, drowning, bludgeoning, stabbing, feeding him too many sweets), but she’s going to rely on getting Bond to agree to a diving adventure to search for a downed aircraft, attaching a signal to his air tanks that supposedly drives sharks mad Another attempt at death by shark. It’s as standard as an appearance by “Q.” with hunger, and hope that everything works out. My fear would be that a frustrated shark might not delineate between the signal-wearing diver and myself, but then again, nobody has asked me to try to kill Bond. I won’t leave you in suspense. Her plan does not work and she has the nerve to look annoyed.

Fatima Blush is not our . That would be Domino. I recall Kim Basinger getting a lot of attention for this role, and she was then (and is now, I’d say) a shiny and beautiful woman. I’m not sure I’ve ever considered her a stunningly good actress, not even for her winsome performance in L.A. Confidential, but her screen presence is always vulnerable and appealing nevertheless. I liked that her Domino had some kind of personality, even it was just “somewhat bubble-headed Pictured here: an awkward moment. mistress to egomaniac.” At least she didn’t pout and pose like she was modeling for the cover of Maxim throughout, as many of these beautiful-but-talent-free Bond girls have done. When Domino and Bond do the tango at a party, it’s a cringe-worthy moment, but not because of Domino. Sean Connery, I’m sorry, just doesn’t look comfortable doing the tango. , maybe. Not Connery.

Past that, what are we doing? Oh, just messing around like always, chasing through the water and over the roads, between fist-fights and the manly trading of veiled insults. The action scenes were not impressive because as I sit here, I can’t remember a single one of them. Let me think hard. Oh yes, now it’s come to me. Bond gets a motorcycle, all dolled up by Q so that it has a smokescreen and the like. So he uses that.

Because it was outside of the EON influence, this is a rougher and dirtier Bond than I’m used to seeing. Violence in movies increases as the years go by, but even , also made in 1893, still had the tendency to keep most of a the bloodshed off-screen. Bond films thus far have not liked to make their violence too gritty, lest it spoil the romanticized nature of the spy-game. NSNA’s violence comes into the forefront and has more blood and cracking of bones. The sex too is more explicit. It’s still not R-rated but it doesn’t stop at a passionate kiss, as has been the case before, instead showing us a few moments of interesting posing between Fatima Blush and Bond. I’m not really a prude, but these moments struck me as a bit vulgar. I’m accustomed to a classier Bond, who might be willing to kiss and tell, but has never been willing to show and tell.

In the final analysis, I could have probably forgiven the non-EON differences and enjoyed this as the Bond movie it was meant to be, if only the movie itself had been better. There’s little wrong with the cast or its talent, there’s nothing wrong with the budget or sets. The problem is a dull story and a dull script that is full of dumb moments. Bond movies have a steady supply of dumb moments, however that is allowable when the movie is entertaining. Here, the dumb moments just beach like whales and lay there gasping. For example, why would Largo give Domino that stupid pendant, which is a replica of a map showing the exact location of the second missile? Well, so Bond could use it to find the missile, of course. Largo knows where the missile is; he doesn’t need a pendant-map. Plus it’s an ugly pendant. That’s just lazy plotting, and obvious because I was bored.

Alas, I watched this after seeing two very good EON entries: I thoroughly enjoyed both For Your Eyes Only and Octopussy. In 1983’s “Battle of the Bonds,” Octopussy is the clear winner. Might I feel differently if I were a bigger Sean Connery fan, or if I were familiar with the books? Possibly. The best thing I can say is that is better, if a bit less stylish, than the tedious Thunderball, so it accomplished that goal of a remake.

Coming up next is the final Roger Moore Bond film, , and then we’ll enter the era of . I’ve been a bit rough on Timothy Dalton, but with my newly formed appreciation for all things Bond, he may surprise me just as Roger Moore did. Like I’ve said before, I’m learning to expect the unexpected.