OUR LAST IS- SUE!!!

Vol. 18 No. 3.1 MACOUPIN COUNTY'S MOST SUBMISSIVE NEWSPAPER April 2018 theburnian.com BC COLLEGE FAREWELL

THIS IS OUR FINAL ISSUE, so we don't care anymore WE ARE CANCLLED SORRY

By Bailee McCarthy THE ‘BURNIAN HAS BEEN AROUND SINCE 1881, MAKING IT THE OLDEST ILLINOIS COLLEGE NEWSPAPER STILL RUNNING. WELL, UP UNTIL Staff Writer THIS ISSUE. IT HAS COME TO THE ATTENTION OF THE ‘BURNIAN STAFF THAT NO ONE READS PAPERS ANYMORE. TIMELY NEWS STORIES WORTHY OF PRINT ARE BECOMING HARDER TO FIND BECAUSE OF SOCIAL MEDIA APPS. BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN FOR THE STAFF OF THE ‘BURNIAN?

AFTER 137 YEARS, THE CLOSING OF THE OLDEST ILLINOIS COLLEGIATE NEWSPAPER IS HERE. IT HAS BEEN A LONG, FUN AND EXCITING RUN FOR STUDENTS, STAFF AND FACULTY. UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO DISINTEREST AND THE LACK OF NEWS STORIES, THE RACE HAS COME TO AN END. THE STAFF IS DEEPLY SADDENED TO ANNOUNCE THAT THIS ISSUE WILL BE THE LAST.

“NO ONE IS READING THE PAPER ANYMORE,” SAID AN ANONYMOUS TIP. “EVERYTHING IS OLD NEWS IN THE PAPER,” THEY ADDED. ACCORDING TO MANY OUTSIDE RE- SOURCES, SCHOOL NEWSPAPERS ARE DECLINING IN POPULARITY. ONE STUDENT AT BLACKBURN SAID, “I GET ALL MY NEWS FROM MY PHONE. I COULDN'T TELL YOU THE LAST TIME I PICKED UP A HARD COPY OF THE PAPER.” ANOTHER STUDENT EVEN ASKED OTHERS WHAT A NEWSPAPER WAS.

EVERY STUDENT, STAFF AND FACULTY MEMBER IS SHOCKED TO HEAR THE ‘BURNIAN WILL BE SHUTTING DOWN. “IT’S A TRAGEDY, REALLY,” ONE FACULTY MEMBER SAID. ‘BURNIAN STAFF MEMBER JORDAN WOOD SAID, “IT’S CRAZY. WE PUT IN A LOT OF EFFORT TO KEEP THE PAPER GOING, AS IT IS THE OLDEST. BUT THE CANDLE HAD TO BURN OUT SOMETIME; WE JUST DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD BE THIS SOON.” ANOTHER STUDENT ON CAMPUS SAID, “MAYBE THIS ISN’T THE END. EVEN THE BEST MARATHON RUNNERS NEED TO TAKE A BREAK EVERY NOW AND THEN, AND I FEEL IT IS THE SAME FOR THE ‘BURNIAN. THEY WILL COME BACK, READY TO GO, AFTER THIS BREAK.” HOWEVER, MANY OTHER STUDENTS AGREED THAT ALL GOOD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END, IMPLYING THAT THE ‘BURNAIN WAS ONCE A REALLY GOOD SOURCE FOR NEWS, BUT NOT ANYMORE WITH THE EVOLUTION OF THE SMARTPHONE.

WITH THIS ISSUE BEING THE LAST OF MANY ISSUES OF THE BLACKBURN NEWSPAPER, THE STAFF IS DEEPLY SADDENED. “IT’S REALLY SAD,” THEY ALL AGREED. “WE WERE THE LONGEST RUNNING SCHOOL NEWSPAPER, AND NOW WE AREN’T.” ALL THE STAFF WILL BE RETURNING TO THEIR PREVIOUS WORK DEPARTMENTS TO FINISH OUT THE SEMES- TER. IN THE FALL, THEY WILL APPLY TO DEPARTMENTS OF THEIR CHOICE. IT'S NOT CERTAIN IF THE PAPER WILL BE COMING BACK TO CAMPUS LATER ON, OR IF IT IS GONE FOR GOOD. ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

2 • The ’Burnian NEWS Apr. 2018

ROYALTY TO JOIN CARLINVILLE o s

lounge lounge

student student

act as a a as act

COMMUNITY hopefully, to,

them. It’s going going It’s them.

is strictly there for for there strictly is

for the students that that students the for

want to provide an area area an provide to want

the couple agreed. “We “We agreed. couple the

space won’t be empty ever,” ever,” empty be won’t space

Panera and Ben and Jerry’s. The The Jerry’s. and Ben and Panera

chain restaurants like Chick-fil-A, Chick-fil-A, like restaurants chain

By Kennedy Henson Princess Charlotte, will be the page boys President Comerford is ecstatic other for location like court food a it

Staff Writer and flower girls. The oldest Comerford that the couple chose Blackburn make to going probably are “We stated,

child will be an usher, and Rachel as the location of their wedding coordinators building the Woodson,

Prince Harry of Wales and Meghan Comerford is planning the wedding, and hopes this will help bring in served be can’t menu five-star new

Markle recently announced their making sure the secret is well-kept. international attention to Ding’s that out turns it If commented.

engagement, and the public is extremely Per the couple’s request, no the school so that royal Son Woody Mrs. food,” delicious eat

excited. The couple has decided to get students or faculty members can attend family-obsessed high and up fancy-ed all get friends, with out

hitched on May 19, a Saturday, which the ceremony, as it is invitation only. school students will hang to place a be to going “It’s on campus. on

goes against the tradition of royal The reception party being held after boost enrollment. soon. very hottest place place hottest

weddings being held during the week. the ceremony in Jaenke Alumni Hall is happening renovations new the about become the the become

The media and public all believe open to everyone still on campus who excited very are They chaos?” the to Woodson will will Woodson

that the wedding is to be held at Saint wishes to attend. The couple wants to add not why changing, is everything Son’s ambition, ambition, Son’s

George’s Chapel at Windsor Castle, meet the students of Blackburn and “Since stated. they college,” wonderful in a few years. With With years. few a in

but this is all fake news. In reality, the better understand campus life. a to authenticity and history back bring lowest student attendance attendance student lowest

wedding will be held in Clegg Chapel on Student workers in Ding are to wonderful be would it think “We as this academic year had the the had year academic this as

Blackburn's campus. The royal couple responsible for making the cake. The menu. Ding new the for location new the student body will increase, increase, will body student the

wants their wedding day to be sacred workers are being trained to bake possible the host to ladder, by accessible College. This is also in hopes that that hopes in also is This College.

and unpublicized, so they searched for and decorate the cake, at the cost of area, basement a in putting be to going the perfect addition to Blackburn Blackburn to addition perfect the

a small town in rural Illinois to hold the the couple. The cake will be an are they that stated Son Woody Mrs. a new hangout place would make make would place hangout new a

ceremony. They wanted to be married eight-tier fruit cake covered in Mr.and area. restaurant – list the to

Along with five-star food, food, five-star with Along

on a college campus to symbolize flowers made of icing. The location another add to wants Woodson student hangout place. hangout student

their eternal youth while helping the cake, professionally made, floor, dance the and kitchen catering marking the opening for the newest newest the for opening the marking

campus’s publicity by making it well- would cost the two around classrooms, of location the being now approximately 2:43 a.m. on April 2, 2, April on a.m. 2:43 approximately

known for their wedding. After several $80,000, but is being it with However, while. a for Blackburn will be a ribbon-cutting ceremony at at ceremony ribbon-cutting a be will

months of searching, Harry and Meghan made by Blackburn at for cafeteria the was Woodson When the construction is done, there there done, is construction the When

decided Blackburn College would be the cost of roughly glory. that was started by the Son family. family. Son the by started was that

the perfect small-town campus to host $5,000, along former its resume should hall dining Build Things, a very trusted company company trusted very a Things, Build

their wedding. The wedding will only with the cost of former the thought Son, Woody Mrs. The construction will be done by We We by done be will construction The

consist of the couple’s most beloved training the and Mr. Woodson, of coordinators the about two and five-sixths of a day.” day.” a of five-sixths and two about

friends and family, making Clegg the workers. year, academic 2018-2019 the during process, hopefully, will take only only take will hopefully, process,

perfect size for everyone to enjoy the food 5-star serving Ding With again!

that this was the best time. The whole whole The time. best the was this that

momentous occasion. there be could it Well, Hall. Woodson

professors and students, so we felt felt we so students, and professors

Markle’s dress will be designed by in was area cafeteria/dining College’s

We don’t want to inconvenience the the inconvenience to want don’t We

Blackburn’s own graphic design class. Blackburn day, the in Back

The design will then be sent to the dress 31. March on a.m. 11:53 at promptly

maker of the bride’s choice since the begin will construction that anticipate

college does not have the resources “We stated, Son Woody Mr. Staff Writer Staff

stressfulness of college.” of stressfulness

to actually create the intricate McCarthy Bailee By gown desired by Markle. the from away get can students To keep the publicity of this secret to a minimum, Blackburn president John Comerford will be officiating the wedding. His children, along with Prince George and Apr. 2018 NEWS theburnian.com • 3 CALLING ALL STUDENTS!!!!

By Kaitlyn Mitchum Staff Writer Teachers grade you the hardest, but you probably learn the most Introducing BC Premium Pricing— Blackburn College is introducing new Students, especially freshmen, are pricing for all Blackburn students and excited to get to experience the new getting rid of financial aid. The new packages. pricing list is as follows: Freshman rocket science major King & Queen status: Tuition price Reed Burnell is excited for the new $600,650 annually pricing packages. “King George is my Includes: GO CAPIDALISM sister’s cousin’s best friend’s Uncle; Automatic 4.0 GPA You don’t have to pay for housing Three skips per class per semester therefore, I should be treated like a king Don’t have to attend classes Joker Seven Plus Status: Tuition Must be a part of the work program and I will find it necessary to get that Graduate with any degree, price $30,000 annually Any grade below a 70 percent is an package,” he said. regardless of skill set Includes: automatic fail Taking all into consideration, Guaranteed job right out of college Able to skip class whenever you You’re Just a Beaver Status: Tuition freshman psychology major Rommel Silver Cloud Status: Tuition price want Price $5,000 annually Royster was most excited to start paying $80,000 annually Stipend for every ‘A’ you earn per Includes for his choice of package. “SWEET! Includes: class Pay for every meal and room and With the silver cloud package, I can Choose what homework you do Free food for half a semester board focus on all ten of my girlfriends and what you don’t Die Hard BC Fan Status: Tuition Cannot live on campus everyday! It’s a win-win in my book!” Teachers will grade your papers Price $21,992.00 annually Cannot attend any activities outside he said. and go easy on you Includes: of class 5-STAR DING DINING with lamb ragu. Again, all for just one By Bailee McCarthy Staff Writer meal swipe! Generally, everyone on campus The new manager for the 2018- will agree with one thing: Ding’s food is 2019 academic year, Alexis Aguilera, not very good. One student, jaded with is bringing change to Blackburn Ding’s sub-par food said, “I don’t think College’s cafeteria (commonly referred they will pull it off, honestly,” referring to as “Ding”). “It is time for a change,” to the five star meals that Aguilera is she stated. Beginning next school year, promising. “It is just another cafeteria,” Ding will be serving food fit for a king. the student added. Another student But don’t worry, it’ll just cost one meal mentioned, “I think it’s great! I know swipe! the new manager personally, and with Just imagine: five-star her in charge, Ding will be fantastic!” dining for just a meal swipe. Sounds This student also mentioned that she is wonderful, right? Aguilera was able to looking forward to trying new meals, give some insight about the upcoming broadening her palate beyond pizza, meal change. Some of the available hamburgers, hot dogs, and fries. everyday options are braised leeks and Overall, Aguilera is very excited to try new things,” she added. are bringing in professional chefs from mozzarella with egg; scallop sashimi excited for the upcoming school year. But who is going to cook all this all around the world to actually prepare with meyer lemon confit; fugu with “It’s just really exciting, and hopefully delicious food? Professional chefs, of the meals,” she said. “It’s going to be rice; and pappardelle with sea urchin it brings more people, both part of course! Aguilera was able to give an a lot of training and getting used to and cauliflower. Some of the other Blackburn and outside of Blackburn,” inside scoop about who is all preparing people of other cultures, but we will be options are pork rillette hand pies; she commented. “All the cooks are this. “The cooks we have now will be able to work together, no problem!” malted custard french toast; and pasta excited, and many of the students are more prepping and supervising, and we

Carlinville Dairy Queen 10 % off 724 West Main St discount for Carlinville, Il 62626 BC students! 217-854-8218 Hours 10 AM –10 PM SHOW YOUR ID

4 • The ’Burnian CAMPUS & COMMUNITY Apr. 2018 WHAT DR. DILLON REALLY DID ON HER SABBATICAL just all fell. One of the knives grazed circus was to grow a beard. She was her foot; she had to take a week out of trying all sorts of techniques. She tried training just to relearn how to walk. She shaving her face, hoping the myth that was almost successful at the tightrope hair will grow back darker and thicker and would have been if it weren’t for was true. That didn’t work, so she talked the piece of her foot missing from the to her doctor about the proper amounts knife juggling. She tried to swallow of testosterone she could take without swords, but then she realized it’s not harming herself. Nothing seemed to just an illusion trick and you actually work. have to put a sharp sword down your She ended up going to the audition esophagus. “I figured there was a using some sick yo-yo tricks that she better way to join the circus,” she said, had learned in her free time. Dillon “without dying for it.” pulled out the big guns with her The lion taming was one of the walking the dog yo-yo trick. By the end easier things for her to train for, as the of the audition, she was sweating from lions were already tame. She was just the pressure and the physical toll it took going to be the figurehead taking credit to perform. She remembered, “The By Rachel Burke where I belong.” She didn’t have an for a lion that was already docile. She judges were just staring at me when I Staff Writer actual act, but she knew that’s where spent weeks with her lion, practicing was done. I thought they were so blown Some people may be aware that she wanted to be. She spent the first the simple tricks that the real lion tamer away by my performance. Then, after English professor Dr. Karen Dillon two months of her sabbatical trying taught them. There were only weeks left about 30 seconds of silence, one of the was working on a book during her all kinds of acts for her audition. She before the actual audition when Dillon judges said, ‘Was that all?’ I knew it sabbatical. But while she may have took up knife juggling, walking on just didn’t feel right about the act. “I was over.” been dabbling in that, she was actually the tightrope, sword swallowing, lion didn’t want to take credit for someone Even though she didn’t make it into using her sabbatical to audition for the taming and she even tried to grow a else’s work,” she said. “It made me the circus, the important thing is that circus. beard. think back to all of the plagiarism she had a dream, and she went for it. It’s Although she loves her job on The knife juggling came to a quick rules we have back on campus, and always important to try anything that campus, Dillon revealed, “Deep down, halt as Dillon never even learned how something in me just had to stop.” makes you happy and have the courage

I’ve always known that the circus is to juggle basic things, so the knives Her last-ditch effort to join the to fail.

campus. With so few students visiting visiting students few so With campus. don’t know how to read. These studies studies These read. to how know don’t theater and a club. Construction will will Construction club. a and theater

their rooms or in the parlors around around parlors the in or rooms their and more college students actually actually students college more and second snack bar, an arcade, a movie movie a arcade, an bar, snack second on your app. app. your on

most students would prefer to study in in study to prefer would students most of some recent studies that show more more show that studies recent some of into a student center, complete with a a with complete center, student a into and leave the annoying unread symbol symbol unread annoying the leave and

down to just a few a week. It seems that that seems It week. a few a just to down The college has also become aware aware become also has college The will be transformed over the summer summer the over transformed be will Announcements that fill up your inbox inbox your up fill that Announcements

students utilizing the space has dwindled dwindled has space the utilizing students the library’s closing. closing. library’s the The Lumpkin Learning Commons Commons Learning Lumpkin The announcement in the endless Blackburn Blackburn endless the in announcement

In recent years, the number of of number the years, recent In few students who will be affected by by affected be will who students few order to graduate from the college. college. the from graduate to order semester. If interested, look for the the for look interested, If semester.

closing, effective immediately. immediately. effective closing, building. The college apologizes to the the to apologizes college The building. complete a class in learning to read in in read to learning in class a complete becoming available for the following following the for available becoming

Lumpkin Learning Commons will be be will Commons Learning Lumpkin be available but will move to another another to move will but available be Starting next semester, students must must students semester, next Starting New work positions will be be will positions work New

interest in reading and homework, homework, and reading in interest campus. The Writer’s Block will still still will Block Writer’s The campus. to have for living in the real world. world. real the in living for have to that was never used. used. never was that

Due to college students’ lack of of lack students’ college to Due be placed in other work departments on on departments work other in placed be because they feel it is an important skill skill important an is it feel they because ceremony to say goodbye to the library library the to goodbye say to ceremony

Students working for the library will will library the for working Students measures to teach students how to read read to how students teach to measures over the years and will be holding a a holding be will and years the over

Staff Writer Staff point in keeping up its maintenance. maintenance. its up keeping in point the library. The college will be taking taking be will college The library. the everyone who has worked at Lumpkin Lumpkin at worked has who everyone

By Ashley Thompson Ashley By

the library, the college does not see a a see not does college the library, the informed the college’s decision to close close to decision college’s the informed The college would like to thank thank to like would college The

came up with the new name. name. new the with up came

recognition other than knowing they they knowing than other recognition

the end of May and will have no other other no have will and May of end the

campus. A winner will be selected by by selected be will winner A campus.

students and alumni who refuse to leave leave to refuse who alumni and students

building committee made up of random random of up made committee building

suggestions and send them in to the the to in them send and suggestions

be necessary. Students can make make can Students necessary. be

as Learning Commons will not longer longer not will Commons Learning as

The building will also be renamed, renamed, be also will building The

space for resident students. students. resident for space

to provide a safe and fun entertainment entertainment fun and safe a provide to

students to do, the college has decided decided has college the do, to students

Seeing that the town has nothing for the the for nothing has town the that Seeing

the time students arrive back at school. school. at back arrive students time the start this summer and be complete by by complete be and summer this start LIBRARY CLOSING LIBRARY Apr. 2018 CAMPUS & COMMUNITY theburnian.com • 5 BUILDINGS OF BLACKBURN

their own stories about why it is with anything about your student there now. account. Jaenke Alumni Center is the place Dawes, the fitness building. where people work, but no one actually Really that is all it is. knows what they do there. Sometimes Butler, the dorm that has there are parties and no one goes—it's offices in the basement next to the a blast! I guess students could go there laundry. One of the oldest dorms and study if they want a quiet place that has no air conditioning. because it is never busy. Stoddard, one of the dorms The Lumpkin Learning that actually has a kitchen, but no Commons (the pretentiously air conditioning. You get the good named library) is the place you with the bad here. go for that last-minute report you North, the all-guys dorm forgot about. You hope they have that has air conditioning and is something, anything, you can use, conveniently located across from but you end up using Wikipedia Dawes. instead. There are classrooms here Jewell, the newly non- too, and the Writer’s Block that freshman-only dorm that is air- supposedly helps with papers, but conditioned and has a kitchen too. nobody really wants to walk up the Now the mold problem has finally hill to go there. been fixed; it is safe to live there or PHOTO BY ASHLEY THOMPSON Woodson is just another continue living there for some. DCC, home to our mail building with empty classrooms Graham, the quiet dorm, but and offices that students don't it is air conditioned, so it ain't all By Ashley Thompson Olin, the building people go to bother to go to. bad. Students who live here are Staff Writer use the lecture halls, yay! So you Ludlum is the place nobody supposed to be the serious, studious The Demuzio Campus Center have the normal uses of the halls wants to visit because if you do types, or so they say. (DCC) is the main hub for students for large classes, and then they you will probably be paying the Jones, the all-girl dorm that is attending Blackburn College. This sometimes use the halls for five- college something. Financial Aid air-conditioned with a parlor that is mainly due to the fact that this minute department meetings that is here too, but students normally no one uses. The parking for this is where the food is, and college just waste everyone’s time. Some avoid this place unless they have dorm is the worst, never any empty students will always gather where folks even reserve the halls for guest a parent with them to understand spaces, so most have to park over there is food. Most of the time, lectures, hopeful they will fill them all of the financial talk for them. behind Butler, really it is just an students are too broke to go up with excited students, but in If you need your records changed, annoyance if anything. anywhere else, so Ding and Snack reality, they will be lucky to fill the this would be the place to go. Bar are as good as it gets for them. first couple of rows. Some classes Really, this building is the catch-all This is also where students like are there too, but no one really to window shop in the bookstore talks about having to go there. because they are broke to afford Bothwell, home of the theater, the exorbitant prices there. music and art students. They feel at Hudson Hall is the building that home here on the stage and in the takes your breath away, especially art labs. Okay so the Visual Arts if you have class on the third floor. Center is attached to the building This is where students hate to go, which makes it more convenient but unfortunately must because a for the art students to not have to lot of classes are held here. There walk around Bothwell, but most is also a chapel on the second call it one building. It's the brick floor, but it doesn't get used much, building at the far end of campus, so the dust just collects on the and it is a trek to get there if you pews until someone gets around to live in Jones, Stoddard or Butler. cleaning them. There are multiple There is this weird mural covering offices for the professors here, too, the entrance to the auditorium, but students tend to avoid these nobody actually knows what it is because they know everything and just accepts that it is there and don't need any extra help. It for a purpose. The story goes that is also a minor inconvenience for there was this old guy who just some, so they just cut through the came in one day and created this building instead of walking around mural and left before anyone knew PHOTO BY ASHLEY THOMPSON Hudson... Nobody reads captions anyways to shave off a few seconds. what it was for; students make up 6 • The ’Burnian FEATURE ARTICLE Apr. 2018 FURRY FRIEND ON CAMPUS

By Rachel Burke Did you know? Staff Writer Spencer is one of the lesser-known members of College graduates who take campus (probably because he doesn’t pay tuition or go to class). He has no last name, kind of like Cher or Spanish are twice as likely Beyonce. Although he only weighs about 10 pounds and stands 12 inches tall, he has enough character to to get hired, and on average fit into a full-size human being. A day in the life of Spencer is pretty routine, and earn a 20% higher salary? not that different from the rest of us college-goers. He

wakes up around eight and meows at his roommate Taking Spanish classes along with any major until she feeds him his breakfast. His favorite flavor improves your chances of getting a job. is chicken, but he will settle for turkey. He makes Get your job skills today! small talk with his roommate while she gets ready for her classes. When she leaves, he meows loud enough

for her to hear him even when she’s in the parlor. MISSING: NATASHA CASEY According to people that live on the same floor as

Spencer, he really misses his roommate while she’s gone. They know because he will meow at the top of Conversation Table his lungs whenever she leaves. Mondays 2:15-2:45 pm in Lumpkin While she’s gone, he snacks on his food and Wednesdays 7-8 pm in Lumpkin takes naps. Sometimes his roommate leaves the TV on Fridays 11:20-12:50 in Ding for him, so he’s usually watching “Supernatural.” He likes to look out the window and stare at the leaves. All are welcome! ¡Vamos a hablar! His favorite hobby is climbing all over the furniture and knocking down everything that he possibly can: pens, nail polish, empty water bottles, you name it. Apr. 2018 theburnian.com • 7

PHOTO BY RACHEL . What a handsome fellow

By Rachel Burke Staff Writer When his roommate comes back, he waits until she is Spencer is one of the lesser-known members of sitting at her desk doing her homework on her laptop, campus (probably because he doesn’t pay tuition or and then he sits right on top of the keyboard. After go to class). He has no last name, kind of like Cher or inconveniencing her in any way possible, Spencer Beyonce. Although he only weighs about 10 pounds gets her to play with him and his second favorite toy. and stands 12 inches tall, he has enough character to Finally, at the end of the night, Spencer goes to sleep fit into a full-size human being. right next to his roommate and best friend. A day in the life of Spencer is pretty routine, and Spencer’s pet peeves include when people not that different from the rest of us college-goers. He do not give him the utmost amount of attention. wakes up around eight and meows at his roommate He doesn’t like to be put in his crate but is slowly until she feeds him his breakfast. His favorite flavor learning to like long car rides. Some of his interests is chicken, but he will settle for turkey. He makes include chasing light reflections from phones or small talk with his roommate while she gets ready for computers, smacking pens out of people’s hands and her classes. When she leaves, he meows loud enough ripping the corners off of the posters around his room. for her to hear him even when she’s in the parlor. His favorite toy is the laser pointer that his grandma According to people that live on the same floor as got him, but since he clawed it out of his roommate’s Spencer, he really misses his roommate while she’s desk and threw it around the floor when she was in gone. They know because he will meow at the top of class, it is lost. his lungs whenever she leaves. He was adopted on Nov. 18, 2015, and was six While she’s gone, he snacks on his food and months old at the time. He’s almost three years old takes naps. Sometimes his roommate leaves the TV on and has so much more living to do. He just got a new for him, so he’s usually watching “Supernatural.” He stroller that really makes his eyes pop, and he will likes to look out the window and stare at the leaves. start traveling the campus more. While his habits His favorite hobby is climbing all over the furniture might be a little annoying, he does everything out of and knocking down everything that he possibly can: love. Everyone he meets falls in love with him, even pens, nail polish, empty water bottles, you name it. people who are not traditionally cat lovers. 8 • The ’Burnian ARTS & LIFESTYLE Apr. 2018 BATTLE OF THE ARTS: PERFORMING VS VISUAL

VS

PHOTOS BY KENNEDY HENSON

By Kennedy Henson theater and music events, but this may arts. The school does not want a full on side of President Comerford’s yard Staff Writer not work much longer. The students battle between the two groups, so they behind Jones-Allison Hall. These two and professors of these two arts are are allowing the visual art building to locations are the only places big enough Blackburn is under seige of a no longer civil with each other and be relocated in order to avoid future to host such a large building with all the civil war between the performing and are ready for a segregated building. problems. amenities and necessities required for visual arts. Bothwell and the Visual The visual art students and professors The school has come up with two the building to run properly. Arts Center are the two connected believe their type of art should have a options as to where the building can buildings that host all of the art and separate building from the performing be located: the soccer field and on the FOOTLOOSE By Rachel Burke really good for student morale. Plus, students are having fun, then they are more musicals or concerts in Bothwell. Staff Writer you really can't dance to it. I've tried.” not learning or working. That said, all The music classes are still allowed to Dancing distracts students from of the music classes will be moved to an proceed, but there will now be stricter Attention, all students. Blackburn is their studies and from their work. If off-campus location. There will be no limitations in place on socializing with now banning dancing and inappropriate students who have music majors so they music on campus. Inappropriate music don’t corrupt any of the other students. is not just a matter of profanity or sexual Comerford did not make this innuendo, it also includes anything "WE’RE GOING decision all by himself; he was trying with a danceable beat, any references to channel into what Reverend Gideon to having fun or any real lyrics all TO BAN [DANCE]..." Blackburn would have to say about together. it. He concluded, “I’m not sure that -PRESIDENT DR. JOHN COMERFORD This was a decision made by Rev. Gideon Blackburn would have President Dr. John Comerford. “I approved of dancing, so we’re going was watching Footloose the other to ban it just in case.” Even though day,” he said, “and something about it there have been decades of dancing in really spoke to me.” He made sure to between now and the founding of the emphasize that it was in fact the original campus, Comerford is trying to right “Footloose” with Kevin Bacon, not the some possible wrongs. It’s never too newer one. There is one exception to late to do the right thing. the rule of not having music with lyrics. While there are many reasons to Comerford said, “We are a work college ban dancing and inappropriate music, and we need to motivate students, so we Comerford thought he was off the are having a speaker system installed record when admitting, “I’ve seen our on campus that will play "High Ho, students dance, and frankly it’s not

High Ho, It's Off to Work We Go" on PHOTO COURTESY OF PINTEREST impressive. We’re not banning it for any a continuous loop. I think it should be Blackburn will incorporate the "Footloose Laws" moral reasons, it’s just embarrassing.” Apr. 2018 OPINION theburnian.com • 9

By Sara Hyneman my high school pizza, which is a really Cartoonist big accomplishment and something that There’s only one food provider Sodexo should be proud of, ” added on campus and they’re well-loved for Stefanie Everett. continually upping the standards of For students who mostly eat on awful food being provided. Blackburn STUDENTS campus, Sodexo is entirely unavoidable, is always striving to provide students and that’s just the way they like it. with experiences they couldn’t get Sodexo is nearly as beloved for their at any other college and, thanks to draconian policy regarding catering Sodexo, Blackburn is able to provide as they are for their food. Events on the enviable experience of slightly gross campus are required to be catered by and often unavailable food. Sodexo, Sodexo to ensure that students, faculty the food provider here at Blackburn, and staff don’t get a taste of actual good has faithfully provided students with food and subsequently stage an armed usually subpar food for years. Almost rebellion, and requests for exceptions mostly edible, Sodexo is known for LOVE are consistently refused. Students their dependably boring food. From reportedly love this policy. “It makes rock hard brownies to vomit-inducing me feel like they care about us, you stir fry, Sodexo is recognizable across know?” Scott said. “Like they really campus for its impressively awful SODEXO! want to go above and beyond in making everything. us eat their subpar food.” Laura Wiedlocher, a political Sodexo isn’t the only group which science professor and Sodexo lover, deserves recognition for the state of food surveyed several students across on campus. Blackburn itself deserves campus and reported that Sodexo’s box. when that stew traps you on the toilet some of the credit for partnering with approval rating had skyrocketed to 3%, Other students report exciting for hours,” reported Kaitlyn Scott, a them and agreeing to the contracts up from -15% just two years ago. “I surprises from their food, such as long- Blackburn student currently spending which bind students to the food they don’t even know how they got into expired items and slimy chunks within a semester at Disney but who had yet provide. Blackburn as an institution the negatives; that wasn’t built into would-be liquids. “It’s just so much fun to completely repress the memories is to thank for partnering with Sodexo, the survey. Their hate was just that when you think you’re getting soup or of the cafeteria. Other students had and they deserve students’ gratefulness strong,” she said, carefully poking at milk or something and instead you get a similar stories. “The only thing I’ve and credit for allowing us a chance to what appeared to be stir fry in a green weird, probably deadly stew, especially ever had that’s worse than their pizza is experience life-threatening food.

PHOTO BY SARA HYNEMAN PHOTO BY SARA HYNEMAN Students flock to enjoy Sodexo's food Ding remains within Sodexo's iron grip

FOR INFORMATION ON PURCHASING ADS, CONTACT [email protected]..... Plx give us money.... 10 • The ’Burnian EDITORIAL/OPINION Apr. 2018

EDITORIAL STAFF

Editor-in-Chief Noah "TTL Daumination" Daum

Assistant Editors Gary "Hatchet Job" Lowder Jordan "Dad" Wood

Art Director Noah "Shaggy2" Daum

Layout Assistants John "Thurgood" Hummer Jordan "FATHER" Wood

Web Content Manager Drew "THUG" Hans "I Can't Read!" Faculty Advisor Dr. Mark "Seamus McGee" Benedetti

Copy Editor Shelby "Grammer Nazi" Rainford So the reason I am writting this piece is to let everyone reading know Photographer Candace "Peter 'I'm a photographer' that it seems like everyone is under the empression at Blakburn college that the Parker " Pollock burian is a place that is really hard to work at. Well, I have been working for the burnian WRITERS Staff Writers since I was a freshmen and I can totally say that is it an easy job? No. But I Rachel "Every Article" Burke Kennedy "Freshman" Henson can say that this job is a job that anyone can do if they work hard Bailee "Even Newer Freshman" McCarthy Kaitlyn "Conflict of Interest" Mitchum enough at it. Ashley "..." Thompson You don't need to be an english or writting major to work for the burnian or actually, Cartoonist Sara "No Rules because I don't really work here" Hyneman you don't even have to now how to read. I have done just fine at this job and even worked up to editor without being able to. The work program is your oyster. Dig it. MISSION Doesnt matter anymore - Noah Daum, editor-n-cheif

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Nobody writes to us anyways

GUEST COMMENTARIES See above

PUBLISHER blackburn: working at the burnian is hard The Journal-News 431 S Main St noah: wOrKiNg @ ThE bUrNiAn Is HaRd Hillsboro, IL 62049 Apr. 2018 BEAVER BREAK theburnian.com • 11 Beaver Break is sponsored by the Blackburn College Office of Student Engagement & CAB (thx btw) EVENTS: Donuts at Daybreak, Friday April 14, 6 a.m. at DCC Jewell Hall: Mess Fest, Friday April 20, 4-8p.m. in Christmas Walk Saturday April 15, 8 p.m. on Saturday, North Quad begins outside Renner Butler hall: Carnival. Saturday, April 21, 1-5, Stoddard Rave, Saturday April 21 8-11, Graham and North: Cook out, Human Foosball and The Burnian 3/28/18 Puzzles Ice-Cream truck, Sunday, April 22, 1-5 North Quad PuzzleJunction.com Mr./Ms/ Jones, Olin Lecture Hall, Sunday April 22 6:00p.m.

Solutions

ANTI TUG NAB Movie Trivia Sports Trivia LEARN USE ARE 1.b 6.a 1.c 6.a AL IKE NAMETAG 2.a 7.c 2.a 7.c ILL AND SOBS 3.c 8.a 3.b 8.a PRORATE 4.b 9.b 4.c 9.b ONTO OATH SET 5.b 10.c 5.b 10.c DOODAD OYSTER DRY PLUM ISLE TEEN IER ALTO ACT IRA CORNCOB CYNIC MOO AWL HITCH END BEE POKE

QUESTIONS ONLINE AT THEBURNIAN.COM 12 • The ’Burnian ATHLETICS Apr. 2018 To Tank or Not to Tank By Dad long as they’re out of playoff contention Cross Country: Women's Basketball: Sports Writer and Layout Assistant — to lose for similar reasons, and while Alan Webb Lisa Leslie it is frowned upon in professional Deena Drossin Tamika Catchings With the National Football League sports, that doesn’t mean that it has Nicholas Sparks Sue Bird (NFL) draft approaching and a new never happened. Mark Cuban was draft system put in place by the NCAA, recently in hot water and subsequently Golf: Women's Soccer: a rather controversial strategy has fined after suggesting tanking to some Tiger Woods Carli Lloyd occurred to many coaches, players of the Mavericks players. Jordan Spieth Mia Hamm and many others in the Blackburn Despite remaining illegal in Dustin Johnson Abby Wambach community — tanking. professional sports, there is no rule Tanking is a term used when a team against it under the NCAA’s draft Men's Basketball: begins to intentionally perform poorly regulations, which will be implemented Michael Jordan in order to secure a higher pick in their beginning in the 2018-19 academic (don't get greedy M's all you need.) respective drafts. Sometimes towards year, leading to changes in some of the end of a season, a team’s fans may Blackburn’s athletic teams. The new Men's Soccer: even begin to wish for their team — as rule allows for “the drafting of any Lionel Messi person of at least 17 years of age based Cristiano Ronaldo on the reverse order of the previous David Beckham season’s final standings by win-loss record.” Softball: While Blackburn’s coaches have Lauren Chamberlain refused to comment on whether or not Sierra Romero they will consider suggesting an idea Jennie Finch like tanking to their team for obvious reasons, others have begun to speculate Tennis: as to who Blackburn would have their Serena Williams eyes on in the upcoming NCAA Draft. Venus Williams Some of the players suggested include: Maria Sharapova

Baseball: Volleyball: PHOTO COURTESY OF SOONER SPORTS PHOTO COURTESY OF ALI EXPRESS Softball slugger Lauren Chamberlain holds the Anthony Rizzo Kerri Walsh Jennings The GOAT may soon find himself back in the red NCAA all-time homeruns record Bryce Harper Misty May-Treanor and black Clayton Kershaw Tara Cross-Battle

After speaking to several current hoping they will consider coaching as athletic participants, they do not agree or well as recruiting. The program hopes to REINVENTING want these changes to take place. They obtain athletes that have the capability all expressed anger in cancelling their to one day participate in the Olympic athletic program, but were not against games, and with previous Olympians BLACKBURN ATHLETICS adding other sports to the available coaching, this goal seems much easier to ones at Blackburn. The new sports reach. Some possible coaches that have By Kennedy Henson but this has yet to be decided by other would hopefully boost enrollment and been contacted include Michael Phelps Staff Writer schools in the SLIAC. If no other make Blackburn a better place to attend (swimming), Brady Ellison (archery), Blackburn athletics is about to schools agree, Blackburn would have college. Matt and Becca Hamilton (curling), and undergo a major change. Thanks to the to become independent of conference Members of the board, alums, and Lily Zhang (table tennis). None of these decision of the athletic directors and play and attempt to find other schools students who do not currently participate possible coaches are definite and there student board, all sports currently being with the same programs within the area. in a sport at Blackburn believe this a are several other possible options for played at Blackburn will be cancelled Some of the sports in which the great idea and has the potential bring the coaching position. and replaced with new, obscure sports school is contemplating adding include in more possible students and greater Although there is no set year for teams and events. archery, curling, cricket, fencing, diversify campus life, as well as give these transitions to be made, the athletic The school hopes to see many handball, hockey, swimming, and table students the opportunity to try these department will have fully transitioned improvements and progress by tennis. These are not the only sports sports, since they are somewhat obscure into all of the new programs and remodeling the entire program. Within in consideration, and the board has and most students would most likely discarded the previous ones within the conference, the Beavers would be expressed an interest in considering the never had the opportunity to play these the next three academic years. The at the top in all athletics, considering opinions and suggestions of students sports previously. department also is requiring current all other schools would not yet have who are currently not participating In regards to the coaching staff for athletes to participate in at least of transitioned to these athletic teams. on any of the athletic teams already these programs, the athletic department the new programs for the purpose of The hope is for other teams in the existent on campus, as well as faculty, has been in contact with several retired keeping the athletic program thriving conference to follow suit and transition, staff, and alumni. gold-winning American Olympians, here at Blackburn.