FANGIRL Actress and filmmaker Sarah Ramos shares her dirty little secret. PRODUCED BY ISAAC JOSEPH PORTRAIT BY BEATRICE HELMAN

SINCE I STARTED ACTING PROFESSIONALLY AT age 10, my various awkward stages have been documented in real time for public consumption: puberty, weight fluctuations, first kisses, bad haircuts, the works. But what I kept private was far more embarrassing and heartrending: the fan photos I took with celebrities in the early 2000s. I kept these photos secret because over the course of my career, people have often advised me to project confidence: “Fake it till you make it.” Even as a preteen, I knew that in the world of film and television, acting like I belonged meant I should seem unimpressed by fame. What I did not yet know was that I could not hide from my photo archive forever. To become the artist I longed to be, I would have to one day expose my shameful secret to the light. My illicit hobby began the summer before I started acting, when I convinced my family to take me on a cruise to the Bahamas with the Olsen twins, so I could see the stars of my favorite straight-to-VHS films in the flesh. As part of the cruise package, I, like every other kid In addition to her upcoming on the ship, got my picture taken with the Olsens. In this first photo, I multimedia art project, actress and filmmaker Sarah Ramos will reprise am sandwiched in between Mary-Kate and Ashley; I am radiant with her role on Showtime’s final season joy and purpose. of The Affair this summer.

82 LALAmag.com 83 LALAmag.com Ramos’ illicit “IN THE PHOTOS, I hobby began with a photo she took on a cruise to the DID NOT WANT PEOPLE Bahamas with the Olsen twins and led to her TO SEE ME. I WAS taking photos of herself with every celebrity AN AFTERTHOUGHT, she could meet because they were “people A GHOST. IN THE who mattered.” 2000’S, THE INTENDED EMPHASIS OF MY COLLECTION WAS THE CELEBRITIES.” -SARAH RAMOS

Shortly after returning from the cruise, in 2001, I was cast sad. They are self-portraits of an insecure and lonely preteen who on my first TV show, which led to me being invited to attend the believed that fame could give her life purpose, validate her existence premiere of Blue Crush. Having previously paid to be near the and prove she was truly loved. Olsens, I was dazzled by the glitz and glamour of a Hollywood I think people have advised me to act like I belong in order premiere, where I—a ten-year-old in French braids—could rub to gloss over that very sadness. After all, when I was a kid, I didn’t elbows with celebrities for free. After that, I was hooked. Someone turn to celebrities because I was looking for people who were just mentioned to attend more premieres, I could hire a publicist... so as confused as I was. I admired them because I believed that their that’s what I did. I overlooked the publicist’s more complicated job beauty, wealth and success had saved them from the fear and of cultivating public persona and saw her only as a means insecurity I felt. to an end: I attended every premiere I could and took pictures of As I have gotten older, continued acting and watched so many myself with the stars of the 2000s, ranging from Bruce Willis to of the celebrities I idolized struggle with their own mental health Raven-Symoné. issues, eating disorders and addiction, I have reluctantly accepted Like any addict, I didn’t flaunt my behavior. I may have that fame is not the cure-all I had hoped. Looking gorgeous and bragged about attending the 2 premiere, but I happy on film, TV and now social media will not take anyone’s kept mum on my real motivation for being there. On the red carpet, problems away. This may sound obvious, but it is honestly something I pretended to believe that I belonged in front of the cameras, but at I have to remind myself every day. Childhood fantasies die hard. the after-parties, I skulked around the edges of conversations to get When I did start sharing these photos on social media, they what I needed: photos of myself with people who mattered. I printed took on another layer of meaning. As each image received positive, these photos out and kept them in a box. admiring and even jealous responses, I realized that my collection The privacy I bestowed upon my collection feels creepy to depicted more than a self-portrait of my individual childhood me now. It implies that these photographs made me feel deeply desires. They offer a unique portrait of celebrity culture; while powerful—not in a way meant to be casually shared, but meant to most tabloids, red carpet coverage and reality shows focus on the build up my own identity and self-worth. In the photos, I did not celebrities themselves, my archive shifts the focus onto the fans, want people to see me. Instead, I wanted to see myself with Ashton their desires and beliefs. Kutcher, with . I was an afterthought, a ghost. In the Sharing this collection, I’ve learned that I’m no longer 2000s, the intended emphasis of my collection was the celebrities. interested in simply acting like I belong in that glittery world. Decades later, I’ve discovered that turning the emphasis onto Instead, I’m endeavoring to understand how and why I wanted to me gives these photos richer meaning and makes them a little belong there in the first place. Ironically, I’ve never felt less alone.

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