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Talladega Nights: the Ballad of Ricky Bobby

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Talladega Nights: the Ballad of Ricky Bobby Scripts.com Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby By Will Ferrell Page 1/75 -Guess how fast we're going now. -I don't care, I'm having a baby! Hundred and five miles an hour, you believe that? Reese, you just passed the hospital! -The baby's coming, he's coming now! -All right, all right, hold on. -Okay, but I think he might be stuck. -Grab onto something. Ready? One, two, three! It's a baby boy. I'm happy that Waffle House was okay with me coming here... ...to talk to y'all about my day-to-day. And, y'all, that's pretty much, in a shell... ...what it's like to manage a Waffle House. Ma'am, I don't know what else you want me to say to them. And I'm also gonna need to know where your commode's at. Okay, let's give him a round of applause. Thank you. Okay, next up is Ricky Bobby. Ricky, is your father here? No, ma'am. I haven't seen my daddy in years. But my mama say he's out racing cars... ...and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves. Okay, kids, that's enough. We're gonna move on to Brennan. Don't pay them no mind, Ricky. Thanks, Cal. Shake and Bake. You'll be my best friend forever. --his job is like as a prison guard. Excuse me, darling. I'm Reese Bobby. I'm here for career day with my son, Ricky. -Dad! Page 2/75 -Hey there, boy! Man, you got big. How long's it been? Three, four months? -Ten years. -Ten years? Man, I gotta lay off the peyote. Mr. Bobby, there's no smoking in here. It's all right, I'm a volunteer fireman. Okay, I am a semi-professional racecar driver... ...and an amateur tattoo artist. And the first thing you gotta learn if you're gonna be a racecar driver... ...is you don't listen to losers... -...like your know-it-all teacher here. -Okay, I think that's enough. Your teacher wants you to go slow, and she's wrong... ...because it's the fastest who gets paid and it's the fastest who gets laid. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm talking about. You people are in the wrong on this one! So in the wrong! This is egregious, do you hear me? Egregious! We were cellmates together, Andy. You got payback coming! Dad! Don't listen to these people, Ricky. You're a winner. You got the gift. Always remember, if you ain't first, you're last. lf you ain't first, you're last. -See you when you're grown up. -Dad! Come back, Dad! It's a hot one here in Talladega... ...and this crowd of over 1 80,000 is enjoying one heck of a day. Yo, Terry. Terry, we got the caution. Bring it in for a pit. Let's work on it. All right, fellas, let's go. Page 3/75 Looking good. Yes, come on. Keep it up, baby. -All right, way to go. -Go, way to go. Nice jack work, Ricky. Hey, Shake and Bake, Cal. -Shake and Bake! -Terry, it's all on you, bro. You go. Go, baby, go. Wait, what are you doing? -I gotta take a piss. -Go, go, go! lt doesn't matter, Lucius. We're in last place. Relax. Jeez, I gotta go take a whiz. Get off my ass. You see, this is what I'm talking about. That's why this group right here is the laughingstock of NASCAR. Face it, we suck. It's not always bad to be in last place. Here's some things we can focus on: One, we tried hard. And two, we're still dear friends. Glenn, shut up. I see Terry. He's having a chicken sandwich. Hey, fellas! These are really good. You should try one. That place actually makes a nice sauce. Let me eat this, then I gotta make a phone call... -...then I'm coming back, all right? -This is the bottom line. lf we don't get that car back on the track... ...our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken. Now, is there anyone out there who wants to go fast? Anybody? I wanna go fast. Hey, get him a suit. Hurry up, Page 4/75 make it snappy. Let's go. -Hustle up, hustle up. -Hey, man! Remember when we got kicked out of biology for playing with Matchbox cars? -Yeah! -Who's retarded now? -Yeah. -Hey, what are you doing after this? -After the race? -Yeah. I don't know, but it feels like we're wasting a lot of time. No, I know, I know. I'm just excited, man! -Yeah, I know. Yeah. -Hey! I love you! -What? -Nothing. Shake and Bake! Get some! You're my best friend! You're my best friend! -Okay, then! -I'm in there with you! -I gotta get going! -Go, go! -Yeah! -That's Ricky, baby! That's my boy, Ricky! Hey, Ricky, just remember one thing: lf you wreck that car, that's 200 grand out of your pocket... ...so let's take it nice and slow, okay? With all due respect, Lucius, I'm gonna do some driving. Excuse me, coming through. Apparently, we've got a situation for the Laughing Clown, number 26 car. Terry Cheveaux is refusing to drive. One of his crew members... ...has taken the wheel. Hey, just wanted to share a little piece of personaI information with you. Page 5/75 I got a chubby right now... ...because this is one of the most awesome experiences of my life... ...because I'm getting to drive a racecar! I can't believe it! Oh, my God! Wow, that was cool. Come on, come on. The big story from Talladega: Little-known jack-man Ricky Bobby places third in the Dennit machine. Ricky, first of all, where did you learn to drive like that? ln a car. Car handle really good. Yeah. Can you speak up, Ricky? A car. lt handled reaI good. So, what do you think, Mr. Dennit? He sure can drive. He's got guts. Dennit Racing needs a racer like him. Come on, Dad. He's just a stupid cowboy. Look how bad he is in that interview. Junior, driving has got nothing to do with interviews. I just wish to hell you had a little more stupid cowboy in you. I felt like I was on a spaceship and.... I'm not sure what to do with my hands. Be good to hold them down by your side. We're really happy with what was going on. And at the end of the day, you know, you gotta be happy. -What did you say his name was again? -His name is Ricky. Ricky Bobby. Ricky Bobby? He's got two first names. Whatever his name is, Page 6/75 let's get him over here. Everything ended up fine. Yeah, okay, everything was fine. Thanks, thanks. Great job in the car. Ricky Bobby, a force to be reckoned with, possibly... ...in the near future. Ricky Bobby with yet another impressive win. He is dominating NAS CAR. First or last, baby, you know it! I've never seen a driver who wants to win more than this guy. I could get used to this winning thing! Dennit Racing lncorporated has decided to field an additionaI car. And, at the urging of Ricky Bobby... ...who's been like a son to me, only better... ...I'm naming CaI Naughton Jr. as the driver. All right. -CaI Naughton. -Hey... ...we just want to say to all you other drivers out there... ...if you smell a delicious, crispy smell after the race... ...it's not your tailpipe, it's a little bit... ...of shake.... And then bake. Shake and Bake! -That's our nickname. -Get used to hearing it. And Ricky Bobby wins... ...with CaI Naughton Jr. finishing second. -Yeah! -Hey, man! -Shake.... -And bake! Hey, driver! Drive these. Page 7/75 Please be 1 8. You want to make this out to Charlotte? Hey, excuse me, Ricky. -Hey, Dale. -Hey, can I get your autograph? -Sure. Who do I make this out to? -It's for me. I think you're awesome. -Don't tell the other drivers. -I'm not gonna tell anyone. I'll see you out there. Absolutely, ma'am, I'd love to sign your baby. You're not gonna wanna wash that forehead. -That's right, Powerade's number one. -Not just for hydration, for vitamin. No, it's me, it's me, Susan, your assistant. Gotta watch it when I get into autograph mode. I know, I'm sorry. It's my fault, I shouldn't have been standing. I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is right around the corner... ...and what better gift to give a loved one... ...than the Jackhawk 9000? Available at Wal-Mart. When you work on your mysterious lady-part stuff... ...you should have the right tools too. So that's why you should use... ...Maypax, the officiaI tampon of NASCAR. I'm Ricky Bobby. lf you don't chew Big Red, then f you. Prune candy. -You happy? -I'm very happy. -Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby. -And I'm CaI Naughton Jr. Urging you never to travel Page 8/75 to Tijuana. Ricky! Ricky! Ricky! Okay, I'm starting to get sick. Dick Berggren in Las Vegas, Victory Lane, for Fox Television.
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