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“LYSISTRATA JONES” a musical comedy
Book by Douglas Carter Beane Music and Lyrics by Lewis Flinn
“Let each man exercise the life he knows” -- Aristophanes
April 5, 2011 Protected by copyright 3
ACT ONE OPENING (From the darkness we see an ancient Grecian Symposia. Columns in smoke.) VOICES LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (the cast enters in hooded robes. HETAIRA, a provocateur and narrator, enters in full ancient Grecian attire. She’ll don several personas this evening, but right now she is herself. A courtesan, a storyteller, a guide, a tax payer) HETAIRAI Oh, citizens of Athens. ALL We are here, Hetairai. HETAIRAI Oh, Lysistrata. LYSISTRATA I am here, my sister, Hetairai. HETAIRAI What can a woman give but love love love? LYSISTRATA & GIRLS Oh, ye gods. Love love love. HETAIRAI And what do men do but fight fight fight. MEN Fight fight fight. Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! (Lights up full. The cast are in college attire, HETAIRAI remains in her Grecian attire. ALL Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! HETAIRA (Greek choral chanting) Citizens of Athens U., Townies and Alumni, too!
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ALL You go Girl, Yeah Yeah!! You go Girl, Yeah Yeah!! HETAIRA Bare witness on this story that unfolds in front for you!! ALL You know, girl!! Yeah, yeah! You know, girl! Yeah, yeah! HETAIRA It’s sex and love and even sport! Now the two hours’ traffic of our court! ALL It’s a show, girl!! Yeah, yeah! A show, girl! Yeah, yeah! (singing) IT’S A LITTLE LIKE HETAIRA (singing) SOME PLAY BY ARISTOPHANES ALL IT’S A LITTLE LIKE HETAIRA HE’S DEAD, SO WE DO WHAT WE PLEASE ALL IT’S A LITTLE LIKE HETAIRA SOMETHING THAT’S OLD AND SO ARCANE ALL IT’S A LITTLE LIKE HETAIRA SO SUE US, ALL IT’S PUBLIC DOMAIN ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA WE GOT SOME BUSINESS TO DO Press Script 6/2/11 5
ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA WE’RE GONNA FREE YOUR MIND ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA JUST LEAVE YOUR CELL PHONES BEHIND
HETAIRA The setting: Athens University. Let’s just call it “Less than competitive”. And the Basketball team, The Spartans, hasn’t won a game in 30 years…but nobody seems to mind. ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA RIGHT INTO THIS WORLD ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA THERE ENTERED A GIRL ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA PILING UP THOSE COLLEGE LOANS ALL RIGHT NOW! MEET LYSISTRATA JONES LYSISTRATA Athens U, don't let me down I've come to turn my life around. That last one was like so not right, But this one's, girlfriend, dynomite. MHYRINNE Oh save it. CLEO Chica Loca
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LAMPITO Yeah- whatever she said HETAIRA But soon a boy fell for her charms Mick, the captain, set off alarms Week after week, she’d watch him play And every game would end the same way ALL Lost again! LYSISTRATA (to Mick) Does no one care that it’s all so lame? MICK Come on, babe, it’s just a game
LYSISTRATA But losing every single time? That's no way to live, you've got to shine, you've got to live up to your potential I think that is like so essential You know it would feel great to win HETAIRA And that is where we shall begin OTHERS RIGHT NOW LYSISTRATA WE'RE GONNA TURN THIS AROUND OTHERS RIGHT NOW LYSISTRATA WE'LL GET THIS TEAM OFF THE GROUND OTHERS RIGHT NOW LYSISTRATA WE NEED TO FIND A MASTER PLAN OTHERS RIGHT NOW LYSISTRATA IT'S GONNA WORK I KNOW IT CAN OTHERS RIGHT NOW!! LYSISTRATA (wailing above the others who continue to Press Script 6/2/11 7
sing “RIGHT NOW”) OTHERS CAUSE I GOT THE PASSION AND I GOT THE MIGHT AND I’M NOT GOING DOWN RIGHT NOW NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT I GOT THIS FEELING RIGHT NOW AND I’M NOT LETTING IT GO RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW LYSISTRATA (handing out poms-poms) Come on girls, it won’t be tuff I did this in high school I know my stuff GIRLS poms poms? LYSISTRATA Yeah enough’s enough Touch step elbow by your ear We can win a game – we just need to cheer say yeah (leads a cheer) GIRLS (yeah) LYSISTRATA Say “what what” GIRLS “what what” HETAIRA (in a referee hat and whistle – girls are busy transforming into makeshift cheerleaders, tieing up t-shirts, hair in pony-tails, etc.) Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to tonight’s game- Athens University Spartans versus the Corinth Community College. But first, say hello to the Athens University’s brand new, first ever cheerleading squad! (The guys are getting ready to play, suddenly there is a new drum beat, the girls enter to their surprise) LYSISTRATA MY NAME IS LYSISTRATA JONES I’M FIERCE DOWN TO MY FUNKY BONES WE ARE GONNA WIN THIS GAME PUT THAT OTHER TEAM TO SHAME
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GIRLS GO LYSIE, GO, LYSIE, GO LYSIE, GO GO!! MHYRINNE MHYRINNE MHYRINNE! THIS IS REALLY NOT MY SCENE I READ CHAUCER, I’M NO FOOL YOU KNOW THIS WAS MY SAFETY SCHOOL GIRLS MHYRINNE, MHYRINNE, MHYRINNE, GO GO!! CLEONICE CLEONICE, HOT AND SPICY I CHEER WHEN THINGS GET DICEY SUPREME COURT GET THAT SUBPOENA CAUSE I’M A WISE LATINA GIRLS CLEONICE, CLEONICE, CLEONICE, GO GO!! LAMPITO MY NAME IS LAMPITO I COME FROM SAUSALITO MYRHINNE No you don’t LAMPITO Yeah, you find a rhyme for Lampito, beeyotch (the girls cut her off at “bee –“ OTHER CHEERLEADERS LAMPITO, LAMPITO, LAMPITO, GO GO (They’ve made a sort of a Pep Rally. The girls are cheering and they guys are beginning to get into it) GIRLS (singing) RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! LYSISTRATA LET’S GO ORANGE AND BLUE GIRLS RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! LYSISTRATA WE GOT SOME WINNING TO DO GIRLS RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW!
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LYSISTRATA EVERYBODY SCREAM ALL AAHHH GIRLS AND NOW IT'S TIME TO MEET THE TEAM OOOOOO (the boys are still confused about what the girls are doing, but start to take off their sweats, and head out to the court one by one. The girls cheer them on) GIRLS HEY MICKEY, YOU’RE SO FINE, YOU’RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND! GO MICK! YAY MICK! MICK (whatever) You’re buggin baby… GIRLS TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT, TAKE IT TO TOP CINEUS RAY CAN NOT BE STOPPED CINESIAS (pumped) This is just a hot box of crazy GIRLS DRIBBLE, PASS, SHOOT TO SCORE TYLLIS, TYLLIS GIVE EM’ MORE TYLLIS (uneasy) Well now we're being peculiar GIRLS HE’S A GIANT, HE’S NO MOUSE UARDO CORTEZ IN THE HOUSE UARDO (psyched for the attention) Hola! GIRLS AND THE LAST GUY ….GO GERALD HAROLD Harold…
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(from the sidelines- yells- drum roll) SO what do you say boys? I believe in you, Mick. (The boys look at one another, Mick steps forward, they do the hand tower) MICK WHO’S GONNA WIN? BOYS WE ARE, WE ARE! MICK WHEN ARE WE GONNA DO THIS? ALL (Girls cheer to the audience) MICK RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! Come on Athens, RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! I can’t hear you RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! BOYS Let's win a game! (blows whistle) GIRLS RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! GO ATHENS GO! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! FIGHT! FIGHT! (HETAIRA ow a newscasterwalks through with scoreboard- 2nd period score ATHENS 12, CORINTHIANS 10) LYS GIVE ME AN A (A) MYR GIVE ME A T (T) CLEO GIVE ME AN H (H) LAMPITO GIVE ME AN I-- MYR Really? LAMPITO I was going to say E…
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LYS THAT SPELLS ATHENS,
GIRLS (back together) GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS FIGHT, FIGHT RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! GO ATHENS GO! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! FIGHT! FIGHT! (HETAIRA walk through with scoreboard “3rd period ATHENS 23, CORINTHIANS 30”, blows whistle) GIRLS (trying to follow Lysistrata) STOMP, STOMP, CLAP, STOMP GO! STOMP, STOMP, CLAP, STOMP FIGHT! STOMP, STOMP, CLAP, STOMP WIN! GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS, FIGHT FIGHT!
RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! GO ATHENS GO! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! FIGHT! FIGHT! LYSISTRATA (Lysistrata tries to keep up the sinking spirit) COME ON ATHENS YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO YOU GOT TO ROCK WITH THE ORANGE AND ROLL WITH BLUE! GO ATHENS. GO ATHENS GO ATHENS FIGHT FIGHT RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! GO ATHENS GO! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! FIGHT! FIGHT! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! GO ATHENS GO! RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! FIGHT! FIGHT! (HETAIRA cues the buzzer. Silence. The team has lost. The team looks devastated, all looking forward in shock. Mick looks look he might cry) LYSISTRATA Mick, that was great effort, maybe next game– MICK (covering up his feelings) Ha! We weren’t playing for real anyway. Who cares. C’mon, party time! HETAIRA IT’S A LITTLE LIKE ALL WE PLAY AND THEN WE HAVE SOME FUN HETAIRA
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IT’S A LITTLE LIKE ALL WHO CARES IF THE OTHER TEAM HAS WON HETAIRA IT’S A LITTLE LIKE ALL TOO BAD, IT’S LIKE WE GOT THIS CURSE HETAIRA IT’S A LITTLE LIKE ALL LET’S KICK IT! LIFE COULD BE MUCH WORSE. RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA PARTY, PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG. ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA FORGET YOUR TROUBLES SING THIS SONG ALL RIGHT NOW! HETAIRA NEVER DREAM OF NOTHING MORE. RIGHT NOW! ALL IT’S THE PARTY THAT WE’RE FIGHTING FOR ALL HETAIRA OH, YEAH RIGHT NOW OH, YEAH OOOOO RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW!!!!!! RIGHT NOW!!!!!!
Scene 1 THE LIBRARY LYSISTRATA runs in. There is ROBIN, a work/study student helping out.
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XANDER, with his back to the audience is working on his computer. ROBIN Welcome to the library. How may I help-- LYSISTRATA Hi, I'm Lysistrata Jones. I'm a new transfer student, people call me Lyssie Jay. ROBIN Hi, Robin, work-study student and library assistant. People call me Robin, work-study student and library assistant. LYSISTRATA I am determined to do something about the basketball team and all this losing and lameness -- ROBIN I recently did a particularly scathing poetry slam in the University coffee shop on this very subject. LYSISTRATA Slam, is that like a poetry jam? ROBIN Only more street. It’s a lot of rage and rhythmic speech – Let me show you: (very down) “Hey apathy, you, the prison bitch of despair, you best not get up in my face making us all afraid to be who we truly are! Making us distract ourselves with your booze, pills, carbs and isolationist politics -- and babes – Well I’m a babe and I want to say I won’t be happy till I see your status quo loving ass dead and drawing flies. ‘yo momma.” (she indicates she is done) LYSISTRATA Oh my – that is but so eloquent it’s like – pffff.. ROBIN Gratitude expressed. LYSISTRATA Well you know the basketball team, and all the endless losing? I think we should get them motivated so they would win a game. We’re cheerleaders now, just ordered uniforms on line – but something more -- ROBIN Perhaps a mascot or – Press Script 6/2/11 14
LYSISTRATA A mascot, that is so geniusy! (A beat) Wait, what’s our mascot? XANDER (Not looking up from his typing) School mascot of Athen’s U? The Spartan. Two completely different city states. LYSISTRATA Hey, you!! Unibomber, you could so be the mascot. ROBIN Bad call. Lyssie, this is Xander, he does that really cool progressive blog called Leftnut.org. LYSISTRATA You should pull your face out of that powerbook, get involved in stuff. XANDER I am aware of every socio-political event going on in the world right now. LYSISTRATA Xander let me tell you, when it says you have five thousand friends on facebook, you don’t really have five thousand friends. I’m not sayin’ but I’m sayin’. Mascot, let’s do it. XANDER (looking up) Wait a minute. You’re disrupting my narrative. LYSISTRATA Oh OK. The liberal sees a cause and doesn’t get involved. Hmmm. How interesting. XANDER Wha – That is so – don’t be manipulative – Oh – OK, I am in! To be continued … (he exits) ROBIN Wow. You have a mascot. Go Lysistrata. Love that name, by the way. LYSISTRATA My parents, when they were in school, they were on the fringe of society. They were theater majors. Press Script 6/2/11 15
ROBIN Yes, it’s from a play by Aristophanes. LYSISTRATA I never go to the theater. I think it would upset me. ROBIN But I thought your parents – LYSISTRATA Oh they gave that up. We were poor for so long, but you know happy. Passionate. Then my folks decided they had to get real. Give up on the passion, make money. So we suddenly had a ton of stuff – but no happiness. And I swore I would never do that. I was at my last college and I saw all my friends starting to get real. God, don’t ever let me get real, right? ROBIN My Sister, I am drawn to you, beyond the power of the almighty punani. LYSISTRATA Isn’t that like a really flat sandwich? ROBIN (nodding wisely) Indeed. (a sudden burst of enthusiasm) Oh Lysistrata, you should join my women's study group and read the play “Lysistrata.” (she holds a hardbound script up for Lysistrata. Who stares back) There are also the Sparknotes on line. (she opens her computer and goes off) LYSISYTRATA (she sits and reads) Sparknotes for “Lysistrata.” One of the few surviving plays of Aristophanes, this is a bawdy and comic account of one woman’s extraordinary mission to upset the status quo of the Peloponnisisomething war. Lysistrata convinces the women of Athens to withhold sexual privileges from their husbands and lovers as a means to change the world. (she looks up from the computer) O. … M. … G.! (she immediately starts texting on her iPhone)
Guys, you totally have to meet me in the library right now. Press Script 6/2/11 16
SEND. (in an instant they are all there. CLEONICE, MYHRINNE and LAMPITO run on, cellphones out) Guys. A question for you guys. A yes-no jobbie, not an essay type. We all hate that the basketball team loses all the time, true? LAMPITO True. MHYRRINE True. CLEONICE Verdad. LYSISTRATA Would you be willing to give something up for us to win a game? CLEONICE Like what? LYSISTRATA Let’s give up -- giving it up. (The other walk in the other direction) What? CLEONICE No can do. Chica, tu es loco, que es su problema? LYSISTRATA We don’t give it up until they win a game. Come on! MHYRRINE Come on? No, you come on! Giving it up, I mean there is nothing like it. It really rules. LAMPITO Give up giving it up, what would I do? Declare a major or something? LYSISTRATA C'mon guys, this is serious DON’T YOU HEAR A LITTLE WHISPERING IN THE AIR DON’T YOU HEAR IT SAYING “STAND UP, TIME TO CARE” DON’T YOU FEEL A LITTLE TINGLING IN YOUR SOUL NOW THE TIME HAS COME TO TAKE IT OUT OF CRUISE CONTROL
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DON’T YOU SEE THAT THERE COULD BE ANOTHER WAY DON’T YOU SEE THIS IS SO NOT OK WE COULD CHANGE THE SITUATION WE COULD SHAKE THE FOUNDATION OH YEAH INTO FIRE WE ARE HURLED WHY DON’T WE CHANGE THE WORLD COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON DON’T YOU WANT A LITTLE TASTE OF VICTORY AREN’T YOU SICK OF ALL THIS MEDIOCRITY DON’T YOU WANT TO STAND TALL, BEIN’ ALL THAT YOU CAN BE FIN’LY TAKE CONTROL, CONTROL OUR DESTINY FOLLOW ME AND SAY GOOD-BYE TO WHAT HAS BEEN FOLLOW ME AND WE ARE SO GONNA WIN MHYRINNE WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE SITUATION LYSISTRATA COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON CLEONICE WE’RE GONNA SHAKE THE FOUNDATION LYSISTRATA COME ON, COME ON, COME ON COME ON LAMPITO INTO FIRE WE ARE HURLED LYSISTRATA WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD MHYRINNE, CLEONICE & LAMPITO COME ON, COME ON – MHYRINNE, CLEONICE & LAMPITO COME ON, COME ON! LYSISTRATA WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WAY THINGS GO NOW MHYRINNE, CLEONICE & LAMPITO COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON LYSISTRATA WE’RE GONNA SMASH THE STATUS QUO NOW
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MHYRINNE, CLEONICE & LAMPITO COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON LYSISTRATA THEY’RE GONNA REALLY GET GIRLED MHYRINNE, CLEONICE & LAMPTIO GIRLED! LYSISTRATA WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD LYSISTRATA, MHYRINNE, CLEONICE & LAMPITO COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON MHYRINNE ALL IT TAKES IS A LITTLE SACRIFICE GIRLS SACRIFICE CLEONICE SISTER AND MISTER- NO MORE PLAYIN’ NICEY NICE GIRLS NICEY NICE ROBIN WHY EVEN BOTHER IF WE KNOW THEY’RE GONNA LOSE? LAMPITO SIT DOWN KATIE COURIC, CAUSE GIRL I GOT THE NEWS LYSISTRATA WOMEN FROM LIKE LONG AGO HAVE – GIRLS SHUT THEIR LEGS AND JUST SAID NO ROBIN WE’RE HOLDING HANDS WITH HISTORY LYSISTRATA NOW IT’S YOUR TURN TO PLEDGE WITH ME (they take their vow on the computer) (SPOKEN) SISTER TO SISTER, I PROMISE TO BE STRONG OTHERS (SPOKEN) Press Script 6/2/11 19
SISTER TO SISTER, I PROMISE TO BE STRONG LYSISTRATA NO MATTER HOW HARD, NO MATTER HOW LONG OTHERS NO MATTER HOW HARD, NO MATTER HOW LONG LYSISTRATA I HOLD THE POWER, I HOLD THE KEY OTHERS I HOLD THE POWER, I HOLD THE KEY LYSISTRATA I WON’T GIVE IT UP, OTHERS I WON’T GIVE IT UP LYSISTRATA I GUARANTEE OTHERS I GUARANTEE ALL (CHEER) FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT WE’RE GONNA MOVE IT AND SHAKE IT AND TAKE IT TO THE STREET WE’RE GONNA SHOOT IT AND MAKE IT A TEAM THAT CAN’T BE BEAT 1,2,3,4 WHAT YOU SAY WE’RE GONNA WIN A GAME TODAY GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS, FIGHT FIGHT (THE OTHER GIRLS REPEAT THE CHEER AS LYSISTRATA SINGS:) LYSISTRATA GIRLS WE WILL BE THE SALVATION MOVE IT AND SHAKE IT WE WILL MAKE A TRANSFORMATION AND TAKE IT TO THE STREET OH YEAH WE’RE GONNA SHOOT IT AND MAKE IT INTO FIRE WE ARE HURLED A TEAM THAT CAN’T BE BEAT WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD 1,2,3,4 WHAT YOU SAY WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD TODAY GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS, FIGHT FIGHT MOVE IT AND SHAKE IT WE WILL CHANGE THE WAY THINGS GO AND TAKE IT TO THE STREET NOW OH YEAH WE’RE GONNA SHOOT IT AND MAKE IT GONNA FIN’LY GET GIRLED A TEAM THAT CAN’T BE BEAT WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD 1,2,3,4 WHAT YOU SAY WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD TODAY Press Script 6/2/11 20
WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD TODAY WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD TODAY WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD TODAY WE’RE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD TODAY WE’RE GONNA CHA-A-A-NGE THE WORLD GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS FIGHT! FIGHT!
HETAIRA (appears somewhere) HAVE MERCY, GOOD GOD, WE GOT A SEX JIHAD SPARE THE ROD, YOU THINK THAT'S ODD? THIS AIN'T YOU GRANDMA'S CHEERLEADING SQUAD NOW LET’S WHAT’S GOING DOWN DOWN ON THE QUAD (she disappears) SCENE 2 THE QUAD (MICK is walking with HAROLD and ‘UARDO) CINESIAS (entering) Yo, blood, how y’all be bein’? ‘UARDO ‘sup my brotha! from another motha! MICK Bros, Chilax. Ya’ll gettin’ ready for the big Acropolis Mountain Lodge? HAROLD You knows that! MICK We gots to save the mojo for the pah - tay! TYLLIS (entering) I am the only black person here, why do you all talk this way? CINESIAS Sa-nap! But I tell you dawgs, tonight’s the night Mhyrinne be giving it up to me. MICK That’s what I’m talking about. Press Script 6/2/11 21
CINESIAS (nerdlike, not the player at all) I’m gonna get all gushy, romantic and poetical, speaking from the heart and what not. MICK (rougher than usual) Poetry? You got no game. Comin’ up. The Acropolis Mountain Lodge after the game with Troy Tech. Then turn it out! (the guys all bump fists and head off. It is just MICK. Alone he pulls out a poem and reads it. LYSISTRATA and ROBIN walk on.) “And that has made all the diference” Wow. LYSISTRATA (she sees MICK) OK..here we go.. we’re gonna do this! Oh God, I don’t know if I can! ROBIN Do it! LYSISTRATA I can’t – too scared. ROBIN Then I think it’s time for some blank verse! (ROBIN, suddenly inspired, jumps between LYSISTRATA and MICK - and does her poetry slam. MICK hides his poem) ROBIN HEY YA’LL SMACK DOWN, SLAP DOWN BRAWL, Y’ALL WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT – SHOW DOWN GONNA RESPECT IT – THROW DOWN ‘FORE YOU KNOW, IT IS GONE BITCHES, IT IS AWN! SOMETHING’S CHANGING ROUND HERE AND IT’S THE FREAK! Word to your motha’. MICK What the hell – LYSISTRATA A poetry slam. MICK Poetry? ROBIN You don’t know about poetry.
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MICK I know about poetry enough to know that ain’t it. ROBIN What do you offer but negativity. Hmm? MICK Why am I talking to you? (MICK takes LYSISTRATA aside) Lookin’ forward to that Acropolis Mountain Lodge after the game with Troy Tech? Some serious action? LYSISTRATA Are you going to win the game? MICK Are you still on that? We tried it your way, and it SUCKED. There’s nothing more we can do. LYSISTRATA If you’re giving up, I’m not going to give it up. MICK What? LYSISTRATA You know what, I think you can win a game and I am not giving it up, until you win a game.
MICK Dag! ROBIN That was good Lyssie- hit him again with it. LYSISTRATA No giving it up till you win a game, Mr. Captain. I have character, I am a banging woman. I have been reading the Sparknotes of Aristophenes. Unabridged! MICK It’s just a stupid game! LYSISTRATA Maybe it starts as a stupid game, but then one day that’s your life. You gotta give your all, or why even show up? (the full band kicks in, the girls circle MICK) ROBIN WOOOOOOOOAH SNAP! DID YOU SEE THAT?
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WAR, YA’LL, IT IS ON, ON, ON! BRING YOUR RAZORS CAUSE IT IS GETTING LETHAL IN HERE! ROBIN BRING YOUR MIND CAUSE IT GOES APOCRYPHAL HERE SOMETHING NEW SOMETHING DANGEROUS IN THE AIR ROBIN & LYSISTRATA LYSISTRATA, ROBIN GONNA MAKE YOU CARE NO NO MORE GIVING IT UP TIL YOU GIVE UP GIVING IT UP ROBIN HEY ROBIN & LYSISTRATA NO NO MORE GIVING IT UP TIL YOU GIVE UP GIVING IT UP – HEY HEY (MICK leaves. ‘UARDO walks by with CLEONICE, the music continues to underscore, LYSISTRATA and ROBIN watch) ‘UARDO No sexo? CLEONICE No. UARDO Sexo? CLEONICE No. UARDO No? CLEONICE No. UARDO No manos, no boca – CLEONICE No. UARDO No nada?
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CLEONICE No. ‘UARDO Ai, que jodienda! (LYSISTRATA and ROBIN join CLEONICE, surrounding UARDO) ROBIN THIS AIN’T NO FIESTA CLEONICE YEAH YOU... (searching) BESTA LYSISTRATA BE GETTING WITH THE PROGRAM OR THE CHICA ADIOS ROBIN SPREAD THE WORD, TWEETIE BIRD CLEONICE MAMA’S GOT A NEW SONG AND SHE BETTER BE HEARD! (UARDO runs off scared, girls high five) LYSISTRATA, CLEONICE & ROBIN NO NO MORE GIVING IT UP TIL YOU GIVE UP GIVING IT UP – HEY HEY NO NO MORE GIVING IT UP TIL YOU GIVE UP GIVING IT UP HEY NO NO MORE GIVING IT UP TIL YOU GIVE UP GIVING IT UP – HEY HEY (Across walk TYLLIS and LAMPITO) LAMPITO The girls aren’t giving it up until the boys win a game. TYLLIS That makes no sense. LAMPITO It’s what they’re doing. I’m sorry. TYLLIS Well you better not be doing it. We’re on track, I’m going to graduate, I have my grad school, I have my resume, I Press Script 6/2/11 25 have my Asian girlfriend. I have – LAMPITO Oooh. I am pretending I did not hear the Asian girlfriend part. ROBIN (right at TYLLIS) THINGS BE CHANGING, CLEONICE THINGS BE HUMMING LYSISTRATA CAN’T YOU HEAR THE FREAKY DRUMMING (LAMPITO dances with him) LYSISTRATA, ROBIN, CLEONICE BOOM BOOM RAT A TAT BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM RAT A TAT BOOM BOOM LYSISTRATA YESTERDAY IS SUCH OLD NEWS THIS LITTLE FLOWER AIN’T GONNA LOSE CLEONICE WE’RE GONNA FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT WITH BRUTAL FORCE WE’RE NOT GONNA BEAT THAT OLD DEAD HORSE ROBIN OR FLOG IT, WE FLOG IT CLEONICE FOOL, YOU BETTER BLOG IT!! LAMPITO DIGGITY DOG IT!! TYLLIS (indicating Robin) Why are talking to this girl? ROBIN I BE THEIR POSSE BY WAY OF BOB FOSSE! AAAAAAH! ROBIN, LYSISTRATA, CLEONICE & LAMPITO NO NO MORE GIVING IT UP TIL YOU GIVE UP GIVING IT UP – HEY HEY Press Script 6/2/11 26
NO NO MORE GIVING IT UP TIL YOU GIVE UP GIVING IT UP – HEY HEY (TYLLIS exits, confused. MYHRINNE and CINESIAS walk by.) MHYRINNE And so, until you win a game, we’re not – well I’m not going to … give it up to you. In any way shape or form. CINESIAS (he thinks for a moment, then:) Mhyrinne, whether or not you give it up, you know -- You my ‘ho. MHYRINNE OK. Todd, now quit it. CINESIAS Cinesias. MHYRINNE Todd. CINESIAS My name’s not Todd. Todd is my slave name. MHYRINNE Why are you talking in this degrading hip hop lifestyle manner? CINESIAS Yo yo yo yo yo! MHYRINNE Todd, you’re an English Lit major. CINESIAS ‘zat gots to do wif it? MHYRINNE Todd, your family isn’t from the projects, they OWN projects! CINESIAS Pfff. I’m a pimpdaddy, I’m a playa. Most of all, you my ho’. (the girls surround CINESIAS) ROBIN SCRATCHED AND BLOODIED BY A WARRIOR ON THE PROWL LIKE A CRACKED UP JUNKY HEAR THE MIGHTY GROWL Press Script 6/2/11 27
(they all scream, CINESIAS is freaked out and runs. The girls are exuberant) ROBIN, MYHRINNE, CLEONICE, LYSISTRATA & LAMPITO NO NO MORE GIVING IT UP TIL YOU GIVE UP GIVING IT UP – HEY HEY NO NO MORE GIVING IT UP TIL YOU GIVE UP GIVING IT UP – HEY HEY ROBIN, MYHRINNE, CLEONICE, LYSISTRATA & LAMPITO NO NO MORE GIVING IT UP TIL YOU GIVE UP GIVING IT UP – HEY HEY NO NO MORE GIVING IT UP TIL YOU GIVE UP GIVING IT UP! HEY! (They are done. Everyone exits. LAMPITO runs on to LYSISTRATA. They high five and laugh.) LYSISTRATA Bye girls! Remember no more giving it up! (Xander walks on wearing his Spartan skirt, wearing his back pack listening on his headset)
LAMPITO Everything you said would happen has happened! Oh Lysistrata. This cabin? After we win tonight’s game, we are gonna turn it into a bacchanal dance! LYSISTRATA A what? LAMPITO You know, a Bacchanal dance. A toga party! LYSISTRATA Oooh yeah. We gotta have a bacchanal dance, with dancing and decorations – who we gonna get to organize that on such short notice?
LAMPITO There is so a man in a skirt right now. Let me go somewhere and just lose it. Press Script 6/2/11 28
LYSISTRATA That’s Xander. I got him to be our mascot. LAMPITO I know this boy. He’s the blogger of all liberal causes – LYSISTRATA Yeah, but he – Hey he could do the bacchanal dance. Uh Hey – uhm Xander! (tapping his shoulder, he takes out his ear plugs) XANDER The men of Samoa and Scotland wear skirts with a great sense of masculinity. But do it on an American college campus – I was … degraded, the way others looked at me. I was objectified, I am outraged. I’ve always considered myself a feminist, but as a penised person – LAMPITO Steady big fella! LYSISTRATA Xander. Stop talking. So. In terms of disrupting the narrative, how would you feel about organizing our Bacchanal dance? After the game? XANDER A party? And dancing? What are we raising money for? LYSISTRATA Nothing, it’s just a party to have … fun. XANDER Fun? I’d feel so guilty. A party without a large thermometer? Well, I’ll try. To be continued … LAMPITO (to LYSISTRATA) Ask him if he can dance? LYSISTRATA Hey yeah. Can you dance? XANDER Can I dance? “If I can’t dance, you can keep your revolution.” My favorite Emma Goldman quote.
LYSISTRATA Yeah, but can you dance? XANDER Uh, no. But I totally have the app. Press Script 6/2/11 29
(the beat is back. XANDER looks down at his iphone and dances. Shakey but pretty good. LYSISTRATA laughs and join him. Then Lampito joins them, they dance off)
Scene 3 THE LOCKER ROOM HETAIRA HERE WE GO, THE PLAN'S IN MOTION THE GIRLS A MAKING WAVES, A TSUNAMI ON THE OCEAN SPARTAN PRIDE BEEN DEALT A LOW BLOW LET'S SEE IF THE BOYS WILL GO WITH THE FLOW HAROLD So the girls aren’t giving it up? That’s just whack. ‘UARDO Si, pero, what can you do about it? Every once in a while you just gotta look at any challenge and say, “What can you do about it?” and then walk away. MICK Yeah- We can’t win, the odds are against us! The only good thing about the team is we get the PE credit. CINESIAS Crunkster, Let’s just gives in to the ba-habies. Maybe we could wins ones, You gots moves, Mick!! Come on. MICK (taken in for a second) We can’t win, get it? What, you think I like losing? This is the hand we got dealt, OK? And we have to live with it. If we go to one of these games and try and get all intense and what not – and then lose? We all look the fool. But if you lose and you don’t try, then it’s whatever. It’ll all be over soon. CINESIAS But Dude --- MICK You want to do a repeat of what happened with the Cornithian Columns last time? The girls were cheerleaders and we almost cared – and look what happened.
‘UARDO Por que? It’s not that big a thing – so people think we’re a loser, what’s the –
Press Script 6/2/11 30
TYLLIS I'll bet you the girls would prove themselves amenable even if we just tried to win a game. (others ad lib in agreement) MICK (sings: ) I’M GONNA TELL YOU NOW, HOW IT ALWAYS GOES GIRLS LIKE TO ROCK THE BOAT WHY? WELL WHO KNOWS EVERYTIME YOU HEAR “JUST GIVE IT A TRY” YOU MUST ASK WHY TAKE A LOOK AROUND WHY CHANGE A THING WE GOT THE BALLS, AND THE BABES, AND THE BLING WHY RISK IT ALL DOING WHAT WE DON’T KNOW JUST LET IT GO! AND LAY LOW IT’S JUST A PASSING PHASE LAY LOW NO NEED TO CHANGE OUR WAYS LAY LOW, LAY LOW, LAY LOW CINESIAS That's right that's the da-heal in the heezie 'Uarda I don't know...
MICK GUYS NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO YOU CAN’T LET THE GIRLS HAVE CONTROL OVER YOU OH NO YOU GOTTA PLAY IT SMART, PLAY IT LIKE A MAN ALL HAROLD I KNOW YOU CAN YOU CAN MICK NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO GIRLS LIKE TO GET IT ON
MICK GUYS Press Script 6/2/11 31
I KNOW IT’S TRUE OH YEAH AND WHEN THEY DON’T, NOW YOU WILL KNOW THE SCENARIO THE SCENARIO AND LAY LOW! GUYS (singing:) LAY LOW! MICK GUYS RELAX, WAIT PATIENTLY PATIENTLY LAY LOW LAY LOW! THAT’S MY PHILOSOPHY YEAH LAY LOW! LAY LOW NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO LAY LOW LAY LOW! MICK DON’T LET ‘EM GET TO YOU LAY LOW, LAY LOW GUYS LAY LOW, LAY LOW!! LAY LOW, LAY LOW!! (the guys are changing) MICK DON’T GET EXCITED GUYS LAY LOW, LAY LOW!! MICK JUST IGNORE THEIR DEMAND GUYS LAY LOW, LAY LOW!! MICK CAUSE LIKE IT OR NOT
GUYS Press Script 6/2/11 32
LAY LOW, LAY LOW!! MICK WE’RE BEING FORCED TO TAKE A STAND GUYS LAY LOW, LAY LOW!! MICK BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU GUYS LAY LOW, LAY LOW!! MICK THERE’S JUST ONE WAY TO GO GUYS LAY LOW, LAY LOW!! MICK IT’S LIKE AN ANCIENT EDICT MICK YOU GOTTA LAY LOW LAY LOW Scene 4 THE BASKETBALL COURT OF TROY TECH (the guys play Troy Tech and lose)
CINESIAS (rapping:) GUYS LAY LOW, UH UH. LAY LOW HERE WE GO LAY LOW TAKE IT SLOW MELLOW TO THE GROOVE ON THE RADIO LAY LOW KICK IT BACK TAKE YOUR TIME NEVER UNDERMINE LAY LOW THE RHYME TO GET IT ON, WORK IT OVERTIME LAY LOW YOU’RE GONNA KICK IT LIKE YOU’RE ROMEO CINESIAS (rapping:) GUYS YOU KNOW YOU’RE GONNA BE A DYNAMO LAY LOW LAY LOW TILL THEN CHILL REWIND THE VIDEO LAY LOW AND LAY LOW! (they lose)
SCENE 5 Press Script 6/2/11 33
THE QUAD The guys after the game.
TYLLUS (singing:) OOO CINESIAS Lay Low, Lay Low HAROLD LAY LOW UARDO AHH MICK LAY LOW! GUYS LAY LOW! MICK NO NEED TO BE FORLORN LAY LOW! GUYS LAY LOW! MICK THAT’S WHY GOD INVENTED PORN
MICK & GUYS LAY LOW! MICK GUYS YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH LAY LOW! LAY LOW YOU GOTTA LAY LOW LAY LOW! GOTTA LAY LOW (The guys walk right by the girls) MICK & GUYS LAY LOW!
MICK Say, were the girls doing something to try to get us to win a game, Tyllus? Press Script 6/2/11 34
TYLLUS Nothing that I noticed. Were you doing something to try to get me to win a game, there Lampito? LAMPITO I – I was – we were – (too embarrassed she bows her head) Sorry. (the guys all laugh) MICK See that’s the thing about woo. Guys can go without it for like ever. I didn’t have woo for like the first eleven years of my life. (the guys are gone) LAMPITO I guess it won’t work, Lysistrata. Oh well, back to the way things were before. Off we go to the Acropolis Mountain Lodge. LYSISTRATA No, we are going to keep at this – I think we’re on to something. I really think we got their attention. And totally got the confirmation number for the shipment of our uniforms. This is getting serious. XANDER (enters) Lysistrata. I had various choreographic notions for you to see for the bacchanal dance after the game. Oh and I totally even hired this local model type to be dressed as like Athena. Yeah! Take back the night! LYSISTRATA We are going to win! This is just a stumbling block! Smallish. XANDER Hey. You should get some experts to help you out. I can’t believe you’ve gotten this much done without doing a study first. I’ve got a bacchanal to plan for after the next game! LYSISTRATA That’s the spirit! XANDER Got my face outta the blog, dealing with real human beings. To be continued … (he is gone)
LYSISTRATA Press Script 6/2/11 35
So an expert to talk to -- LAMPITO Yeah, But who? LYSISTRATA Experts on how to treat men. CLEONICE Si, pero, who? LYSISTRATA (a finger snap and she points at CLEONICE) Whore! CLEONICE I made this uniform with what I could find, OK? LYSISTRATA No, not you, an actual whore. We should talk to an actual whore and see what they do. CLEONICE We’re good girls, where are we going to find whores? LYSISTRATA Google. (and she is checking her iphone) LAMPITO Lysistrata, I hardly think we’re going to find -- (She looks down to where LYSISTRATA is pointing on the phone) Look at that. “The Eros Motor Lodge”. (off stage we hear:) HETAIRA (sings) LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA CLEONICE (speaking) I don’t know, it’s so scary. HETAIRA (sings) LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LYSISTRATA (speaking) Let’s go!
MHYREEN Press Script 6/2/11 36
This idea has stupid stamped right on its forehead. LYSISTRATA Come on!
Scene 6 THE EROS MOTOR LODGE (In the sixties it might have been nice, but time hasn’t been kind. The strings of cheap Christmas lights give it an only slightly magical quality. A row of numbered doors. A neon cupid flickers as do hearts everywhere. It’s less a brothel than a house of love. HETAIRA, is now an exotic but wise looking Madame, Madame HETAIRA. She pours herself a glass of wine and lounges in a chaise (as the HETAIRA in the friezes always do) She sings:) HETAIRA IS THE WRITING ON THE WALL OR IS YOUR VISION FADING IT SAYS THE CLIMB IS WORTH THE FALL THIS LOVE WE’RE TRADING IN (The girls walk into the brothel and look at HETAIRA nervously. HETAIRA looks up at them and speaks) HETAIRA Damn. Two for one lesbian night again. I’m Madame HETAIRA. Welcome to Eros Motor Lodge, where all your deepest desires come true – even the ones you don’t know about. LYSISTRATA We just need some advice. I -- we aren’t giving it up to our boyfriends. Until they win game. I was going to give it up to Mick at the Mountain place, but then when he said he wasn’t going to try to win – I just said nu-uh. CLEONICE And Uardo is turning into el puerco. MHYREEN Oh and I’m not speaking to Cinesias. He called me a whore-- (seeing HETAIRA) – able name LYSISTRATA We’re not gonna give it up until the boys win a basketball game. But they’re laying low and still losing. So we want Press Script 6/2/11 37
to know what to do next. HETAIRA I ain’t gonna give away my secrets. I gotta lifetime invested in me, baby. I’m not gonna pass on my wisdom to some perpetrators -- there is no way in -- LYSISTRATA We’ll pay you fifty dollars. HETAIRA (takes the money in one move and begins) Rule one. When the boys start laying low, girlie, you got to get a little hitch in your gitalong? LYSISTRATA Sorry? HETAIRA You wear your skimpiest clothes, you strike provocative poses. Put on your sexiest make-up. Everything you say comes with a double meaning. And a pout. Let your hands accidentally on purpose fall in the most inappropriate place. And then when it’s time to give it up. You don’t. Until they win a game. LYSISTRATA Do you really think we could be … teases? HETAIRA Be teases? You’re cheerleaders, hello. (sings:) GIVE A WINK BEND THE KNEE JOHNNY, JOHNNY WHY YOU LOOKIN’ AT ME? GIVE A SMILE LIPS LIKE A CHERRY IT SURE IS HARD, I MEAN VERY VERY I CAN MAKE IT REAL I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’VE NEVER FELT BEFORE I CAN TAKE IT SLOW OR I CAN TAKE YOU WHERE YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO GO BUT OH, OH, OH, OH, I DON’T THINK SO OH NO, I DON’T THINK SO (speaks) Now you -- girlie, let me show you what you can do.
PUT YOUR HAND ON HIS SHOULDER Press Script 6/2/11 38
THEN IT SLIPS DOWN HIS ARM YOU’RE ON FIRE, SOUND THE ALARM LYSISTRATA WATCH ME WHILE I SMOLDER IT’S GETTING SO HOT HETAIRA YOU’RE SUCH A BAD GIRL AND HE LIKES IT A LOT HETAIRA YOU CAN MAKE IT REAL YOU CAN MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE HE’S NEVER FELT BEFORE YOU CAN TAKE IT SLOW OR YOU CAN TAKE HIM WHERE HE KNOWS HE WANTS TO GO HETAIRA & GIRLS BUT NO NO NO NO NO I DON’T THINK SO LYSISTRATA MICKEY MICKEY YOU’RE SO FINE HETAIRA & GIRLS I DON’T THINK SO LYSISTRATA HOW ABOUT WE INTERTWINE HETAIRA Alright talk to me ladies. CLEO OH, CHICO, MAMMI’S FEELIN’ HOT MHYREEN OH, YEAH LAMPITO OH, PULL THAT TRIGGER, TAKE A SHOT POW POW HETAIRA Bullseye ROBIN FIRST I START WITH LADY CHATTERLY THEN I GIVE A DOSE OF FLATTERY IF THAT DON’T WORK, HEY IT’S NO PITY I LIFT MY SHIRT AND SHOW SOME – HETAIRA Too much! Press Script 6/2/11 39
ROBIN I FEEL LIKE JULIET, WANNA BE MY ROMEO? SAY WHAT? LET’S GO? OH NO, I DON’T THINK SO HETAIRA (speaks) Raise your right hand, and repeat after HETAIRA! In addition to not putting out! GIRLS (speak) In addition to not putting out! HETAIRA I vow to be alluring GIRLS I vow to be alluring HETAIRA And shake it all about. GIRLS And shake it all about. HETAIRA I will make the boys – GIRLS I will make the boys -- HETAIRA Submit to my power! GIRLS Submit to my power! HETAIRA Get ready boys! GIRLS Get ready boys! HETAIRA To take a cold shower! GIRLS To take a cold shower! ALL (sing) I CAN MAKE IT REAL Press Script 6/2/11 40
I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU NEVER FELT BEFORE I CAN TAKE IT SLOW I CAN I CAN MAKE YOU GO WHERE YOU KNOW YOU WANNA GO, BUT LYSISTRATA NO, NO, NO, NO MHYREEN NO, NO, NO, NO LAMPITO NO, NO, NO, NO, NO ROBIN NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO CLEONICE NO, NO, NO, NO, GIRLS NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO I DON'T THINK SO (The girls all exit) HETAIRA WHEN BOYS AND GIRLS FIGHT BELOW THE BELT DOES IT EVER WORK OUT?? OH NO, I DON’T THINK SO, OH, I DON’T THINK SO OH, I DON’T THINK SO
SCENE 7 THE LOCKER ROOM (Guys getting ready for the shower) BOYS LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA
(The music continues. The following is a dance number, without any dialogue. The girls enter. Basically the girls arouse the heck out of the guys. The boys all run off, the girls then, with new found strength march forward with pride)
Press Script 6/2/11 41
LYSISTRATA (singing, overlapping) GIVE A WINK BEND A KNEE OH JOHNNY JOHNNY WHY YOU LOOKIN’AT ME? GIVE A SMILE LIPS LIKE CHERRY IT SURE IS HARD, I MEAN VERY CLEONICE, MHYREEN (singing overlapping) PUT MY HAND ON HIS SHOULDER THEN IT SLIPS DOWN HIS ARM I’M ON FIRE, SOUND THE ALARM WATCH ME WHILE I SMOLDER IT’S GETTING SO HOT I’M SUCH A BAD GIRL AND I LIKE IT ALOT LAMPITO (singing overlapping) I LIKE IT SILKY SMOOTH AND TIGHT OH, YEAH LOOK AT MY ONION. WANT A BITE? ROBIN (singing overlapping) FIRST I START WITH LADY CHATTERLY THEN I GIVE A DOSE OF FLATTERY IF THAT DON’T WORK, HEY IT’S NO PITY I LIFT MY SHIRT AND SHOW SOME TITTY HEY ROMEO, CAN I BE YOUR JULIET BOYS Sexted! ALL GIRLS & HETAIRA I DON’T THINK SO I DON’T THINK SO I CAN MAKE IT REAL I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’VE NEVER FELT BEFORE I CAN TAKE IT SLOW OR I CAN TAKE YOU WHERE YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO GO, BUT LYSISTRATA NO, NO, NO, NO MHYREEN NO, NO, NO, NO LAMPITO GIRLS NO, NO, NO, NO, NO I DON’T THINK SO OH, NO
ROBIN Press Script 6/2/11 42
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO CLEONICE NO, NO, NO, NO, NO GIRLS NO, NO, NO. I DON’T THINK SO
SCENE 8 THE GYM LYSISTRATA (shouting off) You boys think we’re getting tough? You don’t know tough. Not till you see the randy cheers we just concocted. And guess what? Real cheerleading uniforms are on the way? I.B.M. Instant Boner Material. (the girls run off laughing) CINESIAS Now what’s up Captain? Alls I’se got to show for layin’ low is ten kinds of hornay-hay. TYLLUS I… need… me some sweet Lampito biddy. HAROLD Guys why don’t you just relax and watch some movies! TYLLUS How can you see a movie? I am all porned out. HAROLD No, Tyll, not porn, I just watch regular films. I’m just chillin’ watching big stupid loud Hollywood movies. I really like films with superheroes! Superman? X-Men? Fantastic Four? Tonight I’m watching a Batman movie by Joel Shumacher -- TYLLUS I’ve seen that. Why does Batman have nipples on his costume? HAROLD I don’t know, but man, it’s intense. TYLLUS Yeah, it makes me feel kind of ... I don’t know ... tingly. HAROLD Everywhere. Press Script 6/2/11 43
TYLLUS Yeah. (His arm brushes against Harold’s. He quickly moves it) Sorry. HAROLD No, that’s OK. (He puts his arm back) MICK (sees this) Guys, FOCUS!!! This is a game of tactics. The girls are gonna take it up a notch – so we’re gonna go left field where they never thought we would go. CINESIAS Dag, the priesthood? MICK No. Stick with me – and wherever I go – go with me. (Lysistrata and the girls enter in nice cheerleading uniforms. The guys see this and are immediately hushed with sexual respect) GUYS Whoa. LYSISTRATA Hello, we’re every straight American man’s sexual fantasy right now. Fine thanks how are you? MICK (to the guys) Guys, stick with me. LYSISTRATA Girls, stick with me.
(to the boys) Hello Boys!!! By the time we're done doing out sexy new cheers--You'll be hornier than the head of IMF ordering maid service!! And if you win? Bacchanal dance with the girls! And if you don't -- thjere's not much we can do for you.
(a moment, they just stare at one another) MICK Girls, the guys and I were talking. Lysistrata, we've come to a crossroads in our relationship. LYSISTRATA Oh you have, have you? Is this where you win a game? MICK Press Script 6/2/11 44
No this is where we break up. GIRLS (all gasp)
CINESIAS (louder as they are trailing off) Sa-Nap! Suffer, bitches. LYSISTRATA You wanna go there, we will go there. (they stare at each other for a moment) LYSISTRATA What are we doing?
MICK We’re staring each other down. (sings) WHAT’S IT GONNA BE IS IT THE GAME OR ME ‘UARDO CLOCK IS TICKING CINESIAS YEAH ENOUGH OF THIS SORORITY TYLLUS WHATCHA GONNA SAY YOU WANNA THROW IT AWAY HAROLD ALL THE PIECES OF THE PUZZLE THEY’RE NOT FITTIN’ TODAY MICK WHAT’S IT GONNA BE BOYS IF YOU GO YOUR WAY THEN I’LL GO MINE I KNOW ONE DAY YOU’LL WISH THAT WE HAD WORKED IT OUT TOGETHER LYSISTRATA AT THE END OF THE DAY NOTHING’S GOING YOUR WAY MHYREEN ALL IT TAKES IS JUST ONE WIN TO MAKE THIS ALL GO AWAY
Press Script 6/2/11 45
LAMPITO SO YOU LIKE MY THIGHS WELL TIME TO LOOK IN MY EYES CLEONICE JUST WIN A GAME AND YOU’LL GET ROBIN SUCH A GREAT BIG SURPRISE LYSISTRATA WHAT’S IT GONNA BE GIRLS IF YOU GO YOUR WAY THEN I’LL GO MINE I KNOW ONE DAY YOU’LL WISH THAT WE HAD WORKED IT OUT TOGETHER BOYS IF YOU GO YOUR WAY GIRLS THEN I’LL GO MINE ALL I KNOW ONE DAY YOU’LL WISH THAT WE HAD WORKED IT OUT TOGETHER LYSISTRATA LET’S GO LADIES! GIRLS THE NET IS OPEN THE HOOP IS HOT DRIBBLE DRIBBLE JUMP MAKE THAT SHOT (Dance break – the girls get the boys RILED UP!)
MICK AND WHEN THE NIGHT OTHERS IS CALLING MY NAME CALL MY NAME LYSISTRATA JUST REMEMBER HOW YOU CHOSE TO PLAY THE GAME PLAY THE GAME BOTH JUST TAKE MY HAND AND I WILL BRING YOU HOME TAKE ME HOME
Press Script 6/2/11 46
MICK TO ME
ALL WHAT’S IT GONNA BE YOU GO YOUR WAY THEN I’LL GO MINE I KNOW ONE DAY
YOU’LL WISH THAT WE HAD WORKED IT OUT TOGETHER ALL YOU GO YOUR WAY MICK BABY YOU GO YOUR WAY THEN I’LL GO MINE LYSISTRATA AND I’LL GO MINE I KNOW ONE DAY BOYS YOU’RE GONNA WISH THAT WE HAD WORKED IT OUT GIRLS YOU’RE GONNA WISH THAT WE HAD WORKED IT OUT ALL YOU’LL WISH THAT WE HAD WORKED IT OUT TOGETHER YOU’RE GONNA WISH THAT WE HAD WORKED IT OUT! (The game. The Spartans lose. Despite the distraction of the now completely over the top sexy cheerleaders. One by one, the boys and girls walk off leaving MIck and Robin. As they do, Lysistrata berates the boys) LYSISTRATA You boys think you’re so tough you maybe have won the battle, but the war, nu-uh. You are going to win a game if I have to put the ball in the hoop myself! (she is gone)
MICK (to Robin. with immense contempt) You!! ROBIN I see an evening of internet porn has really taught you how to talk to the ladies. MICK You’re the one that ruined everything by making Lysistrata
Press Script 6/2/11 47 aware of stuff. ROBIN She did that all on her own. Why do fascists always look for scapegoats? BTW you heard right – “Fascist”. MICK So can’t believe everything I hate can be confined in one tight, hot little body. All that – and curly hair. It’s like you were invented to tick me off. ROBIN Typical narcissism. I wrote an intricately insightful haiku– MICK Like another thing I hate about you – your poems? Stanky! ROBIN Yes, and I’m quite sure you are an expert in poetic expression. Well we know what you hate – so tell us, Poet Laureate of the United States – what poems do you like – MICK Well, I – ROBIN Yes, the jock is now going to tell me about poetry, something about violets being blue – MICK I can’t just – ROBIN Or about the girl from Nantucket – MICK Not off the top of my head – ROBIN As expected. Lots of criticism, but no sense of what is good or – MICK (quite simply) One’s-self I sing – a simple separate Person; Yet utter the word Democratic, the word En-Masse. Of physiology from top to toe I sing, Not physiognomy alone nor brain alone is worthy for the Muse, I say the Form complete is worthier far, The Female equally with the Male I sing. Of Life immense with Passion, pulse and power, Cheerful-for freest action form’d, under the laws divine, The Modern Man, I sing
Press Script 6/2/11 48
ROBIN (Shocked) Whitman? (Suddenly great rage) YOU CAN’T KNOW WALT WHITMAN!!! WALT WHITMAN IS WAY OVER YOUR HEAD!! (she storms off, MIck shouts after her) MICK NOTHING IS OVER MY HEAD, BECAUSE I AM REALLY TALL!! I’LL SHOW YOU!!!! GUYS! (the other team mates are there in an instant) OK, stay with me, stay with me guys! Now. The girls have forced our hand. We are going to do what mankind has done since like the beginning of time. ‘UARDO Take all of our rage for women and turn into violence against our fellow man? MICK No. We’re going to avoid conflict at all costs and find women whose company can be bought! CINESIAS Say what? MICK Look, they want to fight dirty, we will fight dirty. We are now going to find girls, guaranteed to hook up. TYLLUS What do you -- MICK For a price. UARDO Dios Mio. MICK Boys, we are going to the Eros Motor Lodge. HAROLD Wow. Do they have in room NC 17 movies? MICK (laughing) No, moron. The Eros Motor Lodge ... is a brothel. UARDO This is so .. we are turning a corner here! MICK (speaking) Press Script 6/2/11 49
Dudes! Who’s up for the Eros Motor Lodge?! Uardo? UARDO Ai – uh – si – yes. MICK Good man! Cinesias? CINESIAS Tell those girls to rest up, boo be on his way! MICK Harold? HAROLD No thanks MICK So that’s a maybe. Tyllus? TYLLUS Well -- HAROLD I was gonna rent that blue ray. TYLLUS I -- HAROLD The Shumacher Batman. TYLLUS I -- uh -- (a tug of war, as Tyllus looks to either side trying to make a decision) MICK Dude, whores. HAROLD Shumacher Batman. MICK Whores. HAROLD Shumacher Batman. MICK Whores! HAROLD Shu --
Press Script 6/2/11 50
TYLLUS Dudes, just go! I'm gonna stay home and study. MICK Suit yourself! Whores!
(he walks over to Lysistrata who is surrounded by the girls, back in their street clothes throwing their uniforms at her)
MHYREEN (throwing uniform at Lysistratas feet) I quit!! CLEONICE (throws uniform) I resign!! LAMPITO NOTHING IS GOING THE WAY YOU SAID IT WOULD. I expect this sort of thing from a government or religious leader, but from my cheerleading captain? That’s where I draw the line. (throws uniform) MICK Well ladies! Since we’re all broken up and single and we have no commitments to each other, and we're left with unseemly urges, I’m afraid we have no choice but .. to go .. to the Eros Motor Lodge. (the girls all scream) I was hoping for that reaction.
LYSISTRATA Mick how could you? MICK No I think the real question is how could you? MHYREEN Lysistrata, you have ruined my life!!! CINESIAS She ruined mine first! MICK I think its safe to say Lysistrata has ruined everyone’s life!
LAMPITO
Press Script 6/2/11 51
(to Lysistrata) I will never forgive you! (storms off) CLEONICE (to Lysistrata) I will never forgive you either! (she storms off) MHYREEN And you – pimpster! You really going to the love shack? CINESIAS Yeah, what about it? MHYRINNE I am getting revenge on you like you never saw in your life. Like opera revenge. (to Lysistrarta) I hate you! (she storms off) CINESIAS Thanks a lot, stupid! (storms off) 'UARDO Look what you've done! (storming off with Tyllus and Harold) HAROLD Fool! TYLLUS (sarcastic) Nice work. MICK Admit it Lysistrata. You lost. The real loser of this school is you! LYSISTRATA Don’t say that, I – XANDER (enters, bright as ever) Lysistrata, I have found the perfect place -- LYSISTRATA (the last straw) Xander, would you just stop. I mean look at you, you’re pathetic XANDER (crushed) Sorry. Didn’t – (He runs off) Press Script 6/2/11 52
LYSISTRATA (seeing what she’s done, she feels terrible) Xander, don’t I – please don’t – ROBIN Good one. (Lysistrata alone on stage) LYSISTRATA (alone on stage, she sings:) FIGHT FIGHT GO ATHENS GO WHAT A JOKE THAT MUCH I KNOW SEEMS SO STRANGE, NOW IT’S SUDDENLY SO COMPLEX AND I HAVE NO CLUE, WHAT COMES NEXT MAYBE JUST SOME MORE TIME JUST A LITTLE MORE FIGHT LIKE THEY SAY NO GUTS NO GLORY ALL IN ALL I DID FINE OR MAYBE I’M LIKE A HUNDRED MILES OFF COURSE WELL MAYBE IT WAS TOO MUCH MAYBE NOT ENOUGH MAYBE I SHOULD JUST TURN BACK NOW CAUSE HOW DO I GO ON WHEN EVERYTHING’S SO WRONG WHERE AM I NOW HOW AM I HERE WHICH WAY DO I TURN WHEN IT’S ALL SO UNCLEAR I’M STANDING ALONE WITH NOTHING BUT FEAR WHERE AM I NOW NOW THAT I’M HERE ALL I WANTED WAS TO WIN JUST TO FEEL HOW IT MIGHT FEEL JUST TO SAY FOR ONCE “WE DID IT” JUST TO OPEN MY EYES AND SEE SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE SO MAYBE THAT’S JUST TOO MUCH MAYBE TOO BIG A DREAM Press Script 6/2/11 53
TOO LATE TO TURN BACK NOW BUT HOW DO I GO ON WHEN EVERYTHING’S SO WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG? WHERE AM I NOW HOW AM I HERE WHICH WAY DO I TURN WHEN IT’S ALL SO UNCLEAR GIVE ME A SIGN WILL AN ANSWER APPEAR WHERE AM I NOW HOW AM I HERE IS THIS ALL THERE REALLY IS JUST ENDLESS DAYS OF MAKING DUE PUTTING UP WITH SECOND BEST ALWAYS WANTING SOMETHING NEW WANTING SOMETHING BETTER TO SHAKE ME TO MY CORE SOMETHING MAGIC SOMETHING MORE I WANT MORE I WANT MORE (THE OTHERS SING IN THE BACKGROUND) WHERE AM I NOW WHERE AM I NOW I’M STANDING ALONE WITH NOTHING BUT FEAR PLEASE GIVE ME A SIGN WILL AN ANSWER APPEAR WHERE AM I NOW WHERE AM I NOW END OF ACT ONE
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ACT TWO HETAIRA walks before a Grecian tableau
HETAIRA Welcome back everybody. Here we go. OOOO, HEY, OOO, OH, 1-2-3-4 (she ad libs) ALL LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (As the lights come up we see it is the cast in their contemporary attire. LYSISTRATA is highlighted) HETAIRA ONCE I READ A STORY FROM SO MANY YEARS AGO BOUT A GIRL WHO WANTED CHANGE DON’T GIVE ‘EM SEX- BUT DON’T YOU KNOW NO, IT NEVER IS THAT EASY IT’S REALLY JUST A START BUT ONCE THAT DANCE BEGINS MY CHILD THE WORLD JUST FALLS APART (LYSISTRATA is alone in the gym, where we left her, XANDER is dancing getting ready to go to the gym) ALL READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL OR IS YOUR VISION FADING? SAYS “THE CLIMB IS WORTH THE FALL ALL THIS IS LOVE YOU’RE TRADING, TRADING IN (LYSISTRATA dances separately from XANDER. At another part of the stage MICK, CINESIAS and ‘UARDO drive to the brothel) HETAIRA DON’T TRY TO SHUT THE DOOR DON’T LOOK THE OTHER WAY GOTTA LOOK IN MY EYES GOTTA REALIZE IT’S WORTH THE PRICE YOU MIGHT JUST HAVE TO PAY THIS STORY IS NOT OVER, LOVE HAS YET TO PLAY HER PART TIME TO FOCUS YOUR ATTENTION Press Script 6/2/11 55
TIME TO LOOK INSIDE YOUR HEART (in the frat house, Harold and Tyllus are watching Batman and commenting on the nipples, this leads to horse play. At The Eros Motor Lodge, Hookers (the girls, doubling) mill around the motor lodge. ‘UARDO, CINESIAS and MICK enter) ALL READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL OR IS YOUR VISION FADING? IT SAYS THE CLIMB IS WORTH THE FALL HETAIRA THIS IS LOVE WE’RE TRADING, TRADING IN HETAIRA IT’S WHY WE BLEED IT’S WHY WE SACRIFICE IT’S WHAT WE NEED AND WHY WE PAY THE PRICE LAMPITO, CLEONICE, ROBIN, MHYRINNE READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL HETAIRA DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW MICK, CINESIUS, UARDO OR IS YOUR VISION FADING HETAIRA DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW SAYS THE CLIMB IS WORTH THE FALL ALL DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW HETAIRA THIS IS LOVE WE'RE TRADING, TRADING IN HETAIRA ALL GIRLS THE WRITING’S ON READ THE WRITING DON’T YOU KNOW THE WALL YEAH OOH ON THE WALL DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW Press Script 6/2/11 56
YEAH OR IS YOUR VISION DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW FADING DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW SAYS THE CLIMB IS DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW WORTH THE FALL DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW THIS IS LOVE YOUR DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW OH YEAH, YES IT IS TRADING DON’T YOU KNOW YES IT IS DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW OH YEAH, YEAH TRADING IN YES IT IS. YES IT IS. YES IT IS.
SCENE 1 THE GYM Lysistrata is all alone in a half dark room. Xander walks in with a large blanket sized banner. LYSISTRATA WHERE AM I NOW, NOW THAT I’M HERE AND I AM – XANDER Actually, I signed up for use of the gym in this time slot. But you can help, glad you’re here. I’m working on that dance. Look I got a banner. (he holds up a large banner that states: IT’S YOUR DUTY, NO MORE BOOTY) LYSISTRATA I think the dance is … over. Not happening. I think everyone is giving up, is what’s happening. I haven’t heard anything from anybody lately. XANDER Well … no news is good news. LYSISTRATA Do you think that’s what Amelia Earhart’s family said? Nice banner though. I so failed XANDER Failed – ahhh. Or just the set back that makes you appreciate the later victory. LYSISTRATA I’m sorry I was kinda bitchy with you before, a little overwhelmed -- It won’t ever happen again. I promise.
XANDER Press Script 6/2/11 57
(places the banner on the ground) All this energy and drive. You are on your way to greatness! And allow me to say, in a non-sexist way, daddy likee.
LYSISTRATA Please. You’re being silly, now. It’s over. The guys just all broke up with us, went to a brothel. The girls are all mad at me. And I still feel we could be so much more. But –
XANDER Come on, you’re doing something really … something worthwhile – something mighty. Eyes on the prize. Bachanal prep. Come dance with me. LYSISTRATA No, no, stop it. I’m giving up. XANDER Dance with me. This is an ancient and sacred Grecian ritual taught to me by Kitty Dukakis. The progressive view is about appealing to the angels of our hope, not the demons of our fear. HETAIRA (appears, somewhere else but watching it all) LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA XANDER You know what they said to Susan B Anthony when it looked like women would never get to vote… LYSISTRATA No. XANDER ARE YOU STILL AT IT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS THEY’D ASK HER ARE YOU STILL SWINGING FROM THAT BROKEN CHANDELIER LYSISTRATA They did not. XANDER SOME SEEK CHANGE WHERE NONE HAS BEEN WELL I HEAR THE GHOST OF SUSAN ANTHONY BLOWING IN THE WIND AND IT SAYS YOU GOTTA Press Script 6/2/11 58
HETAIRA & XANDER HOLD ON, DON’T LET GO IN THE MORNING, WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW JUST HOLD ON, HOLD ON, I’M TELLING YOU TO HOLD ON, HOLD ON HETAIRA, XANDER, LYSISTRATA LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA XANDER These steps are symbolic of the footsteps of activists throughout history…” THEY’VE MARCHED DOWN PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE “PLANT A TREE, MAKE IT CLEAN, NO MORE CARBON, KEEP IT GREEN” THEY HELD THOSE BANNERS HIGH TILL THEIR FINGERS ALL TURNED BLUE WELL I KNOW MOTHER EARTH STILL CRIES IN PAIN AS LONG AS I CAN TASTE THE SALT OF HER TEARS, I KNOW THE FIGHT MUST STILL REMAIN SEE I KNOW YOU GOTTA HETAIRA & XANDER HOLD ON, DON’T LET GO IN THE MORNING, WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW JUST HOLD ON, HOLD ON, I’M TELLING YOU TO HOLD ON, HOLD ON (he dances around LYSISTRATA) HETAIRA, XANDER, LYSISTRATA HOLD ON, DON’T LET GO IN THE MORNING, WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW JUST HOLD ON, HOLD ON, I’M TELLING YOU TO HOLD ON, HOLD ON XANDER HOLD ON, HOLD ON, I’M TELLING YOU TO LYSISTRATA HOLD ON, HOLD ON, YEAH TELLING YOU TO XANDER & LYSISTRATA HOLD ON, HOLD ON, I’M TELLING YOU TO LYSISTRATA HOLD ON, HOLD ON, OH YEAH HETAIRA & LYSISTRATA HOLD ON, HOLD ON I’M DARING YOU TO HOLD ON, HOLD ON D-DARE YOU TO HOLD ON, HOLD ON Press Script 6/2/11 59
D-DARE YOU TO HOLD ON, HOLD ON LYSISTRATA HETAIRA LA, LA, LA, LA, LA OOOOOOOO HETAIRA, XANDER, LYSISTRATA HOLD ON, DON’T LET GO IN THE MORNING WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW JUST HOLD ON, HOLD ON I’M TELLING YOU TO HOLD ON, HOLD ON HOLD ON, DON’T LET GO IN THE MORNING WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW JUST HOLD ON, HOLD ON I’M TELLING YOU TO HOLD ON, HOLD ON HETAIRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (Lysistrata and Xander kiss.) XANDER This is what happens when I discuss policy. (LYSISTRATA and XANDER stare at one another. Then kiss passionately, they begin to take off each other’s clothing. And we hear: ) HOOKERS DON’T YOU KNOW, DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW, DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW Scene 2 THE EROS MOTOR LODGE HETAIRA, as a Madame HETAIRA is there in front of Mick, ‘Uardo and Cinesias.
HETAIRA (speaks:) Well, looks like college hijinks tonight. How you doin’ boys? BOYS (all mumble their responses, trailing off) MICK (Louder as the others die off) We got lost twice. HETAIRA I’m Madame HETAIRA, welcom to the Eros Motor Lodge. You tell me what you want, I’ll send you up to the right girl. No need
Press Script 6/2/11 60 to be shy boys we all know why we’re here. YOU’RE NOT LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS ARE YOU!!? (The boys cower) I’m just funnin’. I’m a funsy kinda gal. (in a flat tone) Now. It’s a hundred fifty for straight American, twenty-five extra to get for French, anybody go Greek it’s another fifty, you wanna get English, that’s between you and the girl. (walks over to Uardo) So. (No response. She then says as if to an idiot child:) So what’s your name? UARDO Uardo. HETAIRA Ahhh. And what are you lookin’ for? UARDO I’m looking for a chica – who’ll – HETAIRA For a chica to make you forget about Cleonice? UARDO Hey, how did you – HETAIRA Lucky guess. Guys like you always trying to forget a Buffy a Suzy or a Cleonice. ‘UARDO Si, that is her name. HETAIRA Well forget about her, you should meet dirty nasty Shelly – that girl is Kinky – dirty nasty Shelly gonna make you forget all about ole what’s her name? ‘UARDO Cleonice. Stop saying her name. HETAIRA What? You in love with Cleonice? ‘UARDO I – I – Maybe I do – I should get to know her, see what kind of stuff we have in common. HETAIRA Cleonice.
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'UARDO Si, I think I love her. And not be with HETAIRA Dirty nasty Shelly. ‘UARDO No, no. (exits speaking in Spanish)
HETAIRA So now. Which one of you is Cinesias and which one of you is Mick? CINESIAS Yo Mama, that’s wiggin’. MICK You’re like the M. Night Shyamalan of Madames. HETAIRA I see horny people. Alright, Cinesias? (CINESIAS raises his hand) The playa. And the sudden bachelor. And such a good boy from a good family, too. You deserve a Tiffany girl. Tiffany! Girl! (CINESIAS pays HETAIRA, TIFFANY (played by the actress who plays MYHRINNE) steps forward. She has elaborate hair, jewelry and talks very street, a female rapper) TIFFANY ALRIGHT SKINNY BUTT, LET’S GET BUSY. CINESIAS Dag girl – you shakin' like San Andreas. TIFFANY Ooooh! Y’all a playa I can tell. (they head towards the room) Ok, that leaves, Mick -- hooray for Mick, now who we gonna get for Mick? – ooh I know! Svetlana. MICK Or, you know, I could do you. HETAIRA I continue to live the dream. (MICK pays HETAIRA) Hey, hey, looks like someone had a successful paper route. Last room, end of the hall.
HOOKERS (offstage
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DON’T YA KNOW, DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YA KNOW, DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YA KNOW, DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YA KNOW, DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW HETAIRA (vaguely) Well alright, I’m gonna show you big ole happy time. Celebrate good times, come on. MICK You um, like me? I mean the way I look? HETAIRA Very nice. Hot stuff, Daddy. MICK Bet you’re wondering why a guy as good looking as me is paying for it. HETAIRA I try not to judge. 86 the slacks. MICK (starts to undo his pants then stops) But you think I’m good looking, right? HETAIRA (none too convincingly as she looks at her watch) Oh yes. You're very desirable. You're the most desirable man in the world tonight. I’m moist like a snack cake. MICK Could you act a little more, I don’t know, into it? HETAIRA Hey I know what we will do! You turn around your back to me and do a slow strip tease for me and I’ll just go mental from the sight of it. MICK (a kinky good idea) Rockin’! (He turns around. Once HETAIRA sees this she pulls a remote from her ample cleavage and clicks on the TV. She is looking in the opposite direction. MICK takes off his shoes) HETAIRA (watching a game) Go go go!
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MICK Well alright. (thinking she’s into it, he begins to sway his hips like a Chippendale) HETAIRA (into the game) Go go, take it all the way!! MICK (Still with his back to her, he is really getting into it, he takes his shirt off) You want more, ma lady? HETAIRA YES! FASTER FASTER! MICK (quickly whipping off his pants) Hey, I’m only one stud. (starts to peel off his boxers) HETAIRA No, no don’t – slow down. (MICK does slow down. With his two thumbs he slowly slides his boxers over his buttocks. He pouts) MICK Mama like a big tease. HETAIRA (this is some game. With growing enthusiasm) Yeah, Dats’ right! Score! Score! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL! MICK (Pulls his boxers up. And turns around) Hey, that’s not – you’re not into me at all. HETAIRA (Lying down, as unsexually as possible) Come on, get on top of me. Start up! MICK It’s not what I want. HETAIRA This is what you want, isn’t it? Sex and only sex and no conversation. No personality, connection, affection, no emotion, nothing to care about. All you want, right? MICK It’s not what I want.
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HETAIRA (leaning in and asking him seriously) Well what the hell did you want? MICK (almost crying) I wanted, I don’t know. I honestly really don’t know. I -- I’m just gonna go. Leave. So I … get my money back? HETAIRA Chile'! For the education you just got, them was the WALMART PRICES!!
HOOKERS DON’T YOU KNOW, DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW, DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW, DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW DON’T YOU KNOW, DON’T DON’T YOU KNOW (we are with TIFFANY and CINESIAS, now in his underwear) TIFFANY Hot damn daddy, you be a pimps. You be my pimps. CINESIAS I da pimp and you da ho, das right das right! TIFFANY You da pimp, now show me ya gat. CINESIAS Yeah, I shows you ma gat. TIFFANY Where ya gat at? CINESIAS I shows you ma gat. (A beat) What’s a gat? TIFFANY Ya guns foo’! You messin with me Pimp Daddy CINESIAS Das that fac’ I’m messin with you. TIFFANY You gonna mess with me? CINESIAS I’m gonna mess with you!
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TIFFANY You gonna slap me around? CINESIAS (dropping pimp act) No, never – I would never do that! That is very anti-woman -- (back to pimp act) I means – TIFFANY You messin’ with me! Shake me down fo my dough, a pimps gots to shake his ho down fo his do! CINESIAS Can we slow down – Slows down, I mean a bit. TIFFANY Slows down? Shhhh! You probably wants to get another ‘ho! Two on one y’all! You lookin’ so pfat, sweeter than a swig a 40! Come on tap it, Daddy!!! Tap it!!!!!! Tap yo ho!!
CINESIUS No. No ‘ho. No mo ho. TIFFANY I know gangsta – it’s hard out there fo’ a pimp! TIFFANY I SEE YOU GOT SOME BLING LOOKIN’ FINE AT YOUR NECK LINE I SEE YOU BUSTIN OUT DEAD PRESIDENTS YOU A HIGH CLASS PIMP BABY DADDY BET YOU DRIVE A SOUPED UP MERCEDES BENTZ- VROOM TAKE ME FOR A MIDNIGHT DRIVE THROUGH THE MEAN STREETS OF THE GHETTO I BET YOU GOT A CRIB SO FINE FEELIN’ HOT, YOU MEAKE ME SWEAT – OH! CINESIAS DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVAH TIFFANY MAMA WANTS A PEEK AT WHAT’S DEEP INSIDE LET ME TAKE A LOOK AND DISCOVAH IT’S CERTIFIED, YOU LEAVE ME WANTIN' MO' CINESIAS You crazy, ho' TIFFANY YEAH YOU KNOW I LIKE THE WAY THAT YOU TALK TO THE Press Script 6/2/11 66
LADIES CINESIAS YOU DON'T KNOW, I COULD BE FREAKIN' MEAN I COULD BE A PSYCHO LIKE HANNIBAL LECTER TIFFANY OR THE GANGSTA OF MY DREAMS I’LL NEVER KNOW UNLESS I TRY SKIM A PAGE AND THEN ANOTHAH CINESIAS I'D HATE TO LEAVE YOU HIGH AND DRY TIFFANY YOU'RE SEXY LIKE A LOVAH CINESIAS DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVAH TIFFANY DON’T BE COLD DON’T YOU MAKE ME CRY TAKE A LOOK AND DISCOVAH, A LITTLE SLICE OF HIP HOP PIE CINESIAS DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVAH YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I GOT IN STORE TIFFANY DAMN PIMP DADDY UNDERCOVAH9 YOU LEAVE ME WANTIN’ MORE AND MORE AND MORE CINESIAS HEY THIS WAS GREAT, REAL FUN, BUT I GOTS TO BE GOING NOW TIFFANY NO WAIT YOU SEE I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE YOU’RE A PLAYA WITH A HEART OF GOLD BEEN WAITING FOR YOU MY WHOLE LIFE BABY KNOWS WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS MAKE THIS HO YOUR LOVIN’ WIFE CINESIAS NO!!!! DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVER I CAN’T LIVE THIS LIE ANYMORE I’VE NEVER BEEN A PLAYER AND I REALLY DON’T WANT A … (spoken) You know … prostitute.
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TIFFANY YO YO YO YO OH NO (tears off wig) CINESIAS What? TIFFANY IT’S ME YOUR SWEET MYHRINNE YOU WANTED A HO SO I GAVE YOU A HO NOW YOU’RE A PLAYA NO MO! (Cinesias, stunned, grabs his clothes and runs out the door) THAT’S RIGHT YEAH YEAH TAKE A LOOK AND DISCOVAH THERE’S MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE DON’T JUDGE A BOOK BY IT’S COVAH!!!! (he grabs his clothing and storms out)
Scene 3 THE QUAD The rumpled banner is off to the side. Robin walks and sees Mick. ROBIN OH, HEY. MICK Hey. What are you doing here? ROBIN Looking for Lysistrata. What are you doing here? MICK I want to be alone! ROBIN Are you okay? MICK Stop! I want – everyone out of my head! It’s like what was before wasn’t great shakes but it was fine. It got by, OK? Now you all come in, trying to change me, make me all noble and whatnot – and I don’t even know who you are, right? ROBIN I’m nobody, who are you? Are you nobody, too? Then there’s the pair of us – don’t tell They’d banish us, you know Press Script 6/2/11 68
MICK & ROBIN How dreary to be – MICK Somebody How public like a frog To tell your name the livelong day To an admiring bog! ROBIN Emily Dickinson. Well played, well played. MICK You have to leave, now. No, now. Don’t think you know me because you know one little part of me. That’s not me. That guy died, okay? It was sad when he did and I am not forgiving you for reminding me of him. Just go. (she exits. He watches her for a second) Gaw!! You could bounce of a quarter of that sweet little can! (he starts to run off, but sees someone coming. He hides behind a pillar. Cleonice enters. A scream, and then Lampito runs on.) LAMPITO Somebody else has already been a weak link! Before I even got to it! CLEONICE Who? LAMPITO I snuck back on bended knee practically to have Tyllus take me back. My hand was on the doorknob, when ... from the common room of the Sigma Alpha Delta fraternity house, I could hear Tyllus givin’ it up with some noisy little tramp. CLEONICE Who? LAMPITO He shouted out her name in pure delight! CLEONICE WHO? LAMPITO (spots her walking on) Robin!
LAMPITO Press Script 6/2/11 69
That 18 credit carrying hoodrat DONE flipped my bitch switch! (Cleonice exits as Lampito walks up to confront Robin. Mick listens) You, Robin, you gave it up to a basketball player, deny it! ROBIN No, I didn’t. LAMPITO Don’t deny it. ROBIN Lampito, what’s happened? LAMPITO I ask the questions here, Carole King! ROBIN What are you going to do, beat me up? LAMPITO Worse. I am going to shun you. ROBIN Well, considering that none of you would speak to me two weeks ago, I think I can summon the wherewithal to persevere. LAMPITO Speak English, bitch! (she storms off. Robin exits. As Mick steps from behind a bookshelf. His mind is racing) MICK Guys. GUYS! I know everything that’s going on!! (he runs off. A rustle from under the “Duty/ Booty” banner. Out pop the heads and shoulders of the naked Lysistrata and Xander) LYSISTRATA What we were about to do was wrong. XANDER No, I’ve downloaded clips, that’s the right idea LYSISTRATA I’m glad we stopped in time. I mean – the strike and – XANDER I kissed you first. I’m sorry I kissed you. I have a lot of urges and try to channel them into leftist action. We’re about to kiss again, aren’t we?
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LYSISTRATA Sure looks that way. XANDER See, this urge here I would channel into getting affordable public transportation. LYSISTRATA Let the poor walk, kiss me. (They kiss again) LYSISTRATA Don’t do that! XANDER I’m sorry. LYSISTRATA No, I’m talking to myself. I can’t do this! (both under the banner, they start to get dressed) XANDER We gotta say “whoa” to this. LYSISTRATA Well said. XANDER We really have nothing in common. LYSISTRATA So little. XANDER So? LYSISTRATA What do you mean so? XANDER I think you should just go out with me. LYSISTRATA What? NO. I don’t know you and – XANDER I think you could have something special. LYSISTRATA (a sarcastic laugh) Like what? You?
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XANDER That’s like harsh. LYSISTRATA Sorry, I’m so sorry. That just didn’t come out right. XANDER No, trust me. I got it. Of course, should have known. I get the hint. End of chapter. (signing) I just hope the reason you don’t go out with me or keep fighting is for the angels of your hope and not the demons of your fear. LYSISTRATA Xander, I don’t like the tone of your hands! You know, I thought I could be happy here, that this would be different from the last school. But you’re all just the same. I’m out of here.. XANDER Oh and you just leave now? LYSISTRATA Pretty much. Nobody feels anything here. XANDER I feel something, for you. LYSISTRATA How could you feel anything, I don’t feel -- XANDER You do feel it, you do. You feel it all, and that’s why you’re running. It’s like – it feels like -- (sings:) IT'S A LITTLE LIKE RUNNING THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF THE STREETS IN THE DARKNESS AND NOT REALLY KNOWING WHERE YOU’RE GOING BUT YOU DON’T SEEM TO CARE LYSISTRATA IT'S A LITTLE LIKE WALKING ON THE EDGE OF A CLIFF AND THEN LOOKING DOWN IT'S A LITTLE LIKE I’M FALLING XANDER IT'S A LITTLE LIKE FINDING A CLUE WHEN YOU KNOW YOU NEVER REALLY HAD ONE AND NOT REALLY KNOWING TO EMBRACE IT OR THROW IT AWAY
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LYSISTRATA IT'S A LITTLE LIKE SENSING THE DANGER OF A BURNING FIRE XANDER & LYSISTRATA IT'S A LITTLE LIKE YOU’RE WONDRING WHAT TO DO ALL RIGHT NOW! XANDER & LYSISTRATA I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS TRUE ALL RIGHT NOW LYSISTRATA I have to go. (LYSISTRATA leaves abruptly.) XANDER I CAN’T STOP THINKING OF YOU (she runs off. MICK and the boys run on) MICK IT’S A LITTLE LIKE WE’RE FIGHTING A BATTLE LIKE IN WORLD WAR II THE GIRLS ARE LIKE THE GERMANS AND WE’RE, YOU KNOW…NOT BUT THE GERMANS KEEP ON COMING SO WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO LIE DOWN AND SURRENDER OR SHOW EM WHO THEY’RE TALKING TO THEY THINK WE’RE WEAK THEY THINK WE HAVE NO WILL WELL I’M JUST ONE STEP AHEAD I’M LIKE FRIGGIN- WILLIAM CHURCHILL THE TIME HAS COME TO DO WHAT MUST BE DONE FORGET ABOUT THAT LAYING LOW THIS WAR MUST BE WON GUYS RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW!! MICK (there with ROBIN) HEY ROBIN (“whatever”) OKAY (She keeps going)
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MICK (recitative) NOTICED YOU’RE LIKE GOOD AT THIS GREEK TRAGEDY AND COMEDY SO I’M WONDERING, COULD YOU COME BY, AND DO LIKE SOME REVIEW WITH ME ROBIN HMMM ALONE IN YOUR DORM THAT’S NOT GOOD FORM (LAMPITO sexily walks by, sees and snubs her. ROBIN sings loud enough for LAMPITO to hear) MIDNIGHT? TONIGHT? YOUR FRAT HOUSE? I WOULD LOVE TO. BOYS RIGHT NOW MICK & ROBIN THE BATTLE PLAN IS UNDERWAY BOYS RIGHT NOW MICK & ROBIN THE WAR IS WON, BY END OF DAY (LAMPITO storms the stage) LAMPITO TYLLUS!!! WHAT’S GOING ON HERE? TYLLUS I COULD SAY THE SAME TO YOU LAMPITO I HEARD YOU AND THE SCREAMER (He drops his books) YEAH! AT SIGMA ALPHA DELTA NU LIKE ANIMALS I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BF I’M LIKE REALLY MAD AT YOU TYLLUS WHAT I HAVE HERE IS DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU AND I HAD. LAMPITO HAD? PAST TENSE! I’VE STUDIED VERBS WHAT DO YOU MEAN “HAD?” CHORUS RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! Press Script 6/2/11 74
TYLLUS IT’S JUST -- I THINK I’M IN LOVE. LAMPITO LOVE!! CHORUS RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW! LAMPITO THIS ROBIN- SHE’S LIKE “SUPER HO” TYLLUS ROBIN – WHICH ROBIN? LAMPITO THE LITTLE SKANK WITH THE 4.0 TYLLUS WAIT, MY ROBIN ISN’T ROBIN WITH THE 4.0 LAMPITO NO? TYLLUS LOOK, I’M SORRY, BUT I REALLY, I’VE JUST REALLY GOT TO GO (he runs off) CHORUS RIGHT NOW LAMPITO I’LL FIND THIS ROBIN DO OR DIE CHORUS RIGHT NOW LAMPITO SUPERGIRL, PREPARE TO FLY (lights up on CINESIAS as MYRHINNE enters) MYRHINNE IT’S A LITTLE LIKE IN POKER THE TIME HAS COME TO CALL YOUR BLUFF I WANT TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND BUT I’M TIRED OF PUTTING ON WITH THIS STUFF CINESIUS YOU KNOW I’M NOT A PLAYA, JUST DON’T KNOW WHO I’M S’POSED TO BE DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND, I’M TIRED OF BEING ME (HE runs off. On the other side, we see CLEONICE and ‘UARDO. Also recitative) Press Script 6/2/11 75
‘UARDO MI CORAZON, RIGHT NOW, I ONLY THINK OF YOU CLEONICE YOU PAID FOR SEX WITH A STRANGER, I BET YOU LIKED IT TO UARDO BUT MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ARE MUCH DEEPER NOW! CLEONICE GO TELL IT YOUR PUTA – OKAY – CIAO CINESIAS TELL ME HOW IT ALL WENT SO WRONG UARDO MY SOUL IT BURNS WITH PASSION SO STRONG MYRHINNE THIS IS NOT HOW I HAD PLANNED IT WOULD GO ALL (including CLEONICE) I BELIEVE WE COULD HAVE MORE THAN WE KNOW (lights up on all as they sing, each has a line that they sing over- face out to audience) ALL RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW HAROLD OTHERS I’M SICK OF ALL THESE BATTLES CAN WE JUST RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW PLAY BASETBALL RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW I’M SICK OF ALL THESE BATTLES CAN WE JUST RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW PLAY BASKETBALL RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW LAMPITO RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW WHAT'S WRONG, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW WHAT'S WRONG, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW MICK RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW THE WAR IS WON THE WAR IS WON RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW ROBIN RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW WHY AM I GOING I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW TYLLUS RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RUN ROBIN RUN ROBIN RUN RUN ROBIN RUN ROBIN RUN Press Script 6/2/11 76
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN LYSISTRATA & XANDER THE ANGELS OF OUR HOPE LIKE I’M SUPPOSED TO LISTEN TO THEM BUT ALL I HEAR IS NOISE WHERE THE ANGELS SHOULD HAVE BEEN (HETAIRA walks around (unseen by others) and takes in the cacophony) HAROLD MICK LAMPITO TYLLUS ROBIN I’M SICK OF ALL THE WAR WHAT'S WRONG, RUN ROBIN WHY AM THESE BATTLES CAN IS WON WHAT'S WRONG RUN ROBIN I WE JUST PLAY THE WAR WITH ME RUN RUN GOING, BASKETBALL IS WON WHAT'S WRONG, RUN RUN I DON’T I’M SICK OF ALL WHAT'S WRONG RUN RUN KNOW I THESE BATTLES CAN WITH ME RUN ROBIN DON’T WE JUST PLAY WHAT'S WRONG RUN ROBIN KNOW BASKETBALL WITH ME ALL RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW NOW Scene 4 THE FRAT HOUSE Robin looking at MICK’s essay. They are alone ROBIN So. Your essay is entitled, “Four-one-one.” MICK Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Four-one-one. What’s the four-one-one – Information – Which part of my body do you choose? ROBIN OK, are you for real? Slow down. When I say 411 I assume you mean 411 BC. That’s a nice angle. MICK Oh. Yeah? I thought so too. Right, see like Aristophanes wrote a series of satirical plays of society and human behavior. ROBIN (reading some of the essay with interest) Uh huh huh – go on. MICK I don’t know – some of them are still around – we have to Press Script 6/2/11 77 learn them for class. ROBIN (pointing to what he’s written) And – are still performed today. MICK Yeah, like something that some guy did in 411 BC is still being … talked about and worked on and acted out like on a stage sometime. (with growing excitement) And Dude, that is freaky. Makes you wonder if he knew that when he was writing it, if it like gave him chills. Or maybe it’s kinda sad – people haven’t changed that much, that the stories are still funny. Or it’s like a good thing to calm you down – when you get all up in it – it’s just like – dude, whatever, this is how people were in 411 BC. ROBIN This essay is interesting. And some of your writing is poetic. There’s a poet hidden in you. (He looks over, she is smiling.) MICK What? ROBIN Oh shut up. You know it. MICK Really – you think? ROBIN I think underneath all that swagger and rationalized negativity, there’s a dreamer. MICK No way. ROBIN (She puts down the essay) And that is why I fully intend to watch you play the game against Syracuse and play with all your heart. Because I want to see you do something with passion. MICK Lady, I barely know you, OK? Like I would play a game and you would like me more. Would you? ROBIN (exploding with frustration) Just once can I see someone make a passionate choice in this world?! The only emotions that seem to incite action Press Script 6/2/11 78 are fear, anger and resentment! MICK Wait, are you laughing or crying right now? ROBIN Both. Let me get back to your essay. MICK (confused starts to go, but looks back at ROBIN who is reading the essay.) OH THERE’S A RUMOR IN MY HEART IT’S SAYING THERE’S A GIRL ABOUT TO MAKE ME FALL APART OH SHOULD I RUN OR SHOULD I HIDE GOD, IT’S LIKE I’M BACK IN JUNIOR HIGH I SHOULD JUST WALK ON OUT THAT DOOR THIS IS SO MUCH MORE THAN I BARGAINED FOR STOP STARING IN HER EYES BUT WHEN SHE CRIES IT’S NOT SOME ORNAMENTAL SIGH AND WHEN SHE BREATHES IT BRINGS THE WORLD TO ITS KNEES AND WHEN SHE SMILES IT’S WHEN SHE SMILES WHEN SHE SMILES OH THERE’S A DREAMER IN MY SOUL HE’S DREAMING UP A SCENE WHERE WE LIKE REALLY LOSE CONTROL OH I THINK I’M PRETTY SURE FAR GONE I FEEL THIS STRANGE SENSATION LIKE SOME POETRY’S COMING ON (his poem) YOU’RE LIKE THE SKY SO VAST AND BLUE AND I’M LIKE A BIRD GETTING LOST IN YOU JUST FLOATING ON YOUR SONG BUT WHEN SHE CRIES IT’S NOT SOME ORNAMENTAL SIGH AND WHEN SHE BREATHES IT BRINGS THE WORLD TO ITS KNEES AND WHEN SHE SMILES UARDO & CINESIAS (appear in their own worlds) WHEN SHE SMILES
MICK Press Script 6/2/11 79
IT’S WHEN SHE SMILES UARDO & CINESIAS WHEN SHE SMILES MICK WHEN SHE SMILES UARDO & CINESIAS WHEN SHE SMILES MICK UARDO, CINESIAS AND THIS WON’T BE ANOTHER ROAD THAT I DIDN’T TAKE HI HI NOT ANOTHER DAY WITH THE SAME MISTAKE HI HI NOT ANOTHER CAKE THAT I DIDN’T BAKE HI HI NOT ANOTHER SNOW WHITE THAT I DIDN’T WAKE HI HI NOT ANOTHER FEAR THAT I COULDN’T SHAKE HI HI NOT ANOTHER RHYME THAT I DIDN’T MAKE HI HI NOT ANOTHER RULE THAT I DIDN’T BREAK HI HI MICK, UARDO, CINESIAS NOT ANOTHER LOVE THAT I HAD TO FAKE AH, HI, HI, HI AH HI HI HI MICK CAUSE WHEN SHE CRIES IT’S NOT SOME ORNAMENTAL SIGH AND WHEN SHE BREATHES… IT’S WHEN SHE SMILES (She closes the essay, smiles at MICK, and reaches over and holds his hand. He smiles)
Scene 5 Outside the Eros Motor Lodge HETAIRA is back as Madame HETAIRA. Lysistrata stands before her.
LYSISTRATA (handing her boa) I wanted to give this back to you. HETAIRA So that sex strike worked out OK then, right? LYSISTRATA Not so much. (she’s about to cry)
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HETAIRA What’s up, Baby? LYSISTRATA Everything is wrong – everybody hates me, Mick broke up with me, nobody has any passion except for Xander and that’s just complicated, I thought I could be happy at this school but – but – what do I do-hoo-hoo (Buries her face in Hetaira’s bosom) HETAIRA You would think a big ass college like this would have at least one guidance counselor. LYSISTRATA (wiping away her tears and pulling herself together) So take the boa. Thanks. I’m leaving. For good. I can’t stand it here. HETAIRA Runnin away from your problems – yeah, that’s always healthy. LYSISTRATA You don’t know half of what I’ve – HETAIRA Bunny rabbit. I am older than time, and believe you me, there’s only ever one story. LYSISTRATA You don’t – HETAIRA And it says you should stay. Everything you need is right here. (points to her heart) LYSISTRATA Goodbye, thanks for the use of the accessory. (starts to leave) HETAIRA ( sings: ) REMEMBER THAT LITTLE GIRL WHO USED TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT LONG (this stops Lysistrata) DREAMING HOW TO SWING FROM A STAR WOULD SHE EVER BE THAT STRONG WELL NOW, THAT LITTLE GIRL’S GONE AND DREAMT UP SOMETHING NEW SHE DOESN’T KNOW SHE HAS THE STRENGTH THAT SHE CAN MAKE IT ALL COME TRUE Press Script 6/2/11 81
YOU GOTTA HOLD ON DON’T LET GO IN THE MORNING WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW HOLD ON I’M TELLING YOU TO HOLD ON HOLD ON LYSISTRATA I have to leave. HETAIRA Come on, baby girl, let’s go to the game. LYSISTRATA But the last game of the season is like – now. And there’s nobody playing, nobody cheerleading. Nobody even going. And it’s against Syracuse! HETAIRA Like you don’t want to go? LYSISTRATA JUST ONCE, I’D LIKE TO KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO FINALLY WIN AND NOT JUST SOME STUPID GAME- CAUSE THAT’S REALLY WEARING THIN JUST THOUGHT THERE MIGHT BE MORE THAT I’VE BEEN WASTING IT ALL AWAY WHAT A FOOL I’VE BEEN TO THINK I COULD MAKE IT ALL OK LYSISTRATA Goodbye, thanks. It's just too hard. (she runs off) HETAIRA I’M TELLING YOU TO HOLD ON HOLD ON (the set transforms into -- ) Scene 6 The Gym The basketball court ready for the game against Syracuse. The guys with a new found determination and the girls there despite themselves) HETAIRA I’M TELLING YOU TO HOLD ON HOLD ON TELLING YOU TO HOLD ON HOLD ON I’M TELLING YOU TO ALL HOLD ON HOLD ON Press Script 6/2/11 82
HOLD ON HOLD ON OH YEAH (Xander runs on we see him talking to others asking them questions) ALL HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON (Xander runs up to Hetaira) XANDER Have you seen Lysistrata. She left and – I need to talk to her. I don’t know where she’s going, or how she’s getting there. All is like lost. (starts to cry) HETAIRAI Text her. XANDER (pulling out iPhone) Duh. (he exits texting) ALL HOLD ON, HOLD ON TELLIN’ YOU HOLD ON HOLD ON (‘UARDO and CLEONICE together) ALL HOLD ON, HOLD ON (continues under scene, adding in) ‘UARDO I never even met her. I couldn't when I thought about you. CLEONICE De verdad? ‘UARDO Te lo juro por mi madre! CLEONICE (impressed) De verdad! ‘UARDO And, I realized, te amo.
CLEONICE Press Script 6/2/11 83
How sweet. And tacky. Let’s not talk about how you discovered you loved me anymore because it’s kind of bringing me down. (THEY kiss) Play to win. UARDO Mi Corazon. This is for you. CLEONICE I know. HETAIRA, TYLLIS, HAROLD, CLEONICE, UARDO HOLD ON, HOLD ON (Myrrhine approaches Cinesias) MYRHINNE Look, I’m sorry if I went too far, I was just so mad- CINESIAS Dag, girl, you been all dissing and like.. MYRHINNE Todd… CINESIAS (dropping his act) It’s actually Theodore…Todd is a nickname. I’m named for Theodore Dreiser. MYRHINNE Dag, baby, that’s hot. Go win that game, boo.
CINESIAS Yes, Ma’am. HETAIRA, TYLLIS, HAROLD, CLEONICE, UARDO, CINESIAS, MAUREEN HOLD ON, HOLD ON! ALL HOLD ON HOLD ON (MICK with ROBIN) MICK The weird thing is I don’t know that much about you. All we talk about is Aristophanes and the meaning of life. We never talk about big things. I am so gonna’ win this game for you, babe.
(Xander walks up and says to no one) Press Script 6/2/11 84
XANDER Lysistrata didn’t text back. I don’t blame her. ROBIN I’m like so ready. Oh my God! I just used “like” and not as a simile but as an odd verbal tick. I’ve become one of them. I’m thrilled. Like. HETAIRA (As a sports announcer) Ladies and Gentlemen. In the final game of the season the Athens Spartans meet the boys from Syracuse. YOU'VE GOTTA HOLD ON, DON'T LET GO (Boom! big music change, HETAIRA is the referee and riffs as the boys play and try to win. The girls all friends again, start cheering for the team… then TYLLUS falls. Across the court, HAROLD sees this and runs in slow motion. Music stops) HAROLD Noooooooo!!! BATMAN!!!! TYLLIS (screaming) ROBIN? (A coin has dropped) ALL Robin? (HAROLD is at TYLLUS’s side) TYLLUS Ugh, Robin, I think they got me. HETAIRA Looks like we got a little sugar on our team. LAMPITO You left me for a guy. It wasn’t about me after all. (TYLLUS is taken off) MICK Guys, we’re short one guy, we’re going to have to forfeit. I’m sorry we were so close, too. HETAIRA IN THE MORNING WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW (she steps aside there is Lysistrata, enters) LYSISTRATA Xander, I’m sorry, I just got your message.
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XANDER Lysistrata? LYSISTRATA I got the iphone and sometimes you don’t get texts or calls for no reason. Dudes, what is going on here? Was I seriously hearing cheering and winning?
*REV 5/17/11* 100 MICK Lyssie, you influenced us. And we were actually winning, but now we’re not. We have to forfeit. We’re short one man. One player. LYSISTRATA We may be short one man, but we’re not short one player. MICK Huh? LYSISTRATA Title nine. (types into her cell phone) MICK What does that – LYSISTRATA (looking at Cell. Xander types into his phone) Wait, it’s – here. (reading) Title fifteen of the education amendments of 1972 to Title nine of the civil right act of 1964. No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving federal financial assistance. MICK What are you saying? XANDER She’s saying if our college doesn’t have a girl’s basketball team she is legally allowed to play on the boy’s basketball team. LYSISTRATA Our college doesn’t have a girl’s basketball team. Jockstrap let’s do this!! (getting in the game) MICK Alright gentlemen – and Lady -- It’s only one point! LYSISTRATA No it will be three points because, they’ll be deducting two Press Script 6/2/11 86 points for putting on a player that isn’t on the roster. (putting on jersey) ooh this is cute. Now let’s win the game! XANDER And if we do!? LYSISTRATA What? XANDER I might just give it up to you. (LYSISTRATA whips on a basketball shirt and begins to play. She’s really great! The number continues, in dance – LYSISTRATA takes the court and makes two shots easily. It comes down to a final shot. LYSISTRATA gives the ball to Mick. Suddenly everything is in slow motion. LYSISTRATA and MICK put the ball in the hoop together. The Spartans win. A loud cheer. XANDER kisses LYSISTRATA) XANDER & THE GIRLS Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Go, Athens, Go!! Fight!! Athens U.!! Fight!! Uh-huh!! Go, Athens U.!! Fight, Athens U!! Do it, do it!! (cheers Fight!! Fight!! Fight!! Go, Athens, Go!! Fight!! Athens U.!! Fight!! Uh-huh!! ALL LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA SCENE 7 The Bacchanal! LYSISTRATA THIS IS NO ORDINARY NIGHT THIS IS OUR PASSION TAKING FLIGHT AND FLYING HIGH ABOVE WHAT USED TO BE, YEAH XANDER THIS IS THE DAY I GOT IT RIGHT ROBIN NO MORE EXCUSES MAKING EVERYTHING SO OUT OF REACH
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MICK AND EVERY MOMENT INCOMPLETE LYS/ROB/MICK/XANDER NO MORE WASTING PRECIOUS TIME LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED (other cast members enter in togas for the bacchanal)
LYS/ROB/MICK/XANDER GIVE IT UP! WHATEVER’S KEEPING YOU FROM BEING YOU GIVE IT UP! LET YOUR HEART BE FREE, YEAH GIVE IT UP! WHATEVER’S KEEPING YOU FROM BEING YOU GIVE IT UP LYSISTRATA JUST LET YOUR HEART BELIEVE, YEAH LAMPITO THIS IS THE DAY I START TO FIGHT MAUREEN THIS IS THE MOMENT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE ETERNITY, YEAH CINESIAS I AM A MATCH THAT YOU IGNITE TYLLIS I’M LETTING GO OF EVERY EXPECTATION CLEONICE RESERVATION UARDO DEPRIVATION HAROLD LIBERATION! OTHERS NO MORE WASTING PRECIOUS TIME LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED GIVE IT UP! WHATEVER’S KEEPING YOU FROM BEING YOU GIVE IT UP! LET YOUR HEART BE FREE, YEAH GIVE IT UP! WHATEVER’S KEEPING YOU FROM BEING YOU Press Script 6/2/11 88
YOU GOTTA JUST BELIEVE GO! ALL (CHEERING) GIVE IT UP! GIVE IT UP! MICK EVERYBODY ON THE FLOOR ALL GIVE IT UP! GIVE IT UP! XANDER GO ATHENS, GO ATHENS GO ALL GIVE IT UP! GIVE IT UP! ROBIN WHAT YOU SAY YOU WANT SOME MORE? ALL GIVE IT UP! GIVE IT UP! LYSISTRATA GRAB YOUR PARTNER DOSIE DO (all dance) HETAIRA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA (on a bullhorn) FIGHT FIGHT YOU GOTTA MOVE IT OR LOSE IT FIGHT FIGHT YOU GOTTA GIVE IT UP GIVE IT UP GIVE IT FIGHT FIGHT YOU GOTTA CHOOSE IT AND USE IT FIGHT FIGHT YOU GOTTA GIVE IT UP GIVE IT UP GIVE IT FIGHT FIGHT YOU GOTTA MOVE IT OR LOSE IT FIGHT FIGHT YOU GOTTA GIVE IT UP GIVE IT UP GIVE IT FIGHT FIGHT YOU GOTTA CHOOSE IT AND USE IT FIGHT FIGHT YOU GOTTA GIVE IT UP ALL LET’S GO, FIGHT, FIGHT GET YOUR HEART IN IT, BE A PART OF IT
GIRLS GUYS LET’S GO, FIGHT FIGHT LET'S GO FIGHT FIGHT GET YOUR GAME ON, PUT YOUR GET YOUR GAME ON Press Script 6/2/11 89
NAME ON IT
GIRLS GUYS LET’S GO, FIGHT, LET'S GO FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT GET YOUR HEART IN GET YOUR GAME ON IT, BE A PART OF IT LET’S GO, FIGHT LET'S GO FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT LYSISTRATA GET YOUR GAME ON, GET YOUR GAME ON YOU GOTTA JUST GAME ON GAME ON BELIEVE
GROUP I GROUP II LET’S GO, FIGHT, FIGHT GIVE IT UP! GET YOUR HEART IN IT, BE A WHATEVER’S KEEPING YOU FROM PART OF IT BEING YOU LET’S GO, FIGHT FIGHT GIVE IT UP! GET YOUR GAME ON, PUT YOUR LET YOUR HEART BE FREE, YEAH NAME ON IT
ALL GIVE IT UP! WHATEVER’S KEEPING YOU FROM BEING YOU GIVE IT UP! YOU GOTTA JUST BELIEVE, YEAH GIVE IT UP, GIVE IT UP, GIVE IT UP! GIVE IT UP! END
Press Script 6/2/11