The student ‘news’paper of Imperial College London

Guardian Student Newspaper of the Year 2006, 2008

Issue 1,418 Friday 5 December 2008 felixonline.co.uk

felix Inside Music - Whadafuh?

Pages 20 - 21

Politics - New hotel in Dubai

Page 11

Food - Eating at Sophie’s

Page 26

World Aids Day - So much Sabb’s position to awareness raised be split? First steps taken to a possible creation of a new sabbatical role for next year, page 2

Page 2 and centre page 2 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Friday 5 December 2008 felix 3 News [email protected] News News Editor – Kadhim Shubber [email protected] Imperial College Foreign students Splitting of a Sabbatical Imperial students celebrate Jovan Nedić used as identity Editor in Chief World Aids Day Healthcare is Nicer The Sabbatical Review Group met this card “guinea pigs” Tuesday to discuss the possibility of separating the current role of the Dep- Kadhim Shubber Jacqui Smith said that employers and uty President (Education & Welfare) Deputy Editor colleges want to be confident people into two positions. The idea was origi- than NICE are who they say they are and added nally conceived last year by the then Dina Ismail ever, after a few high profile court cases, England only a few weeks ago. The government has begun issuing “We all want to see our borders more President Stephen Brown and Deputy News Correspondent angry front-page headlines and intense Not only that, but Imperial College compulsory I.D. cards to non-EU stu- secure, and human trafficking, organ- President (Education & Welfare) Kirsty lobbying from high profile doctors, in- Healthcare now has its own new cross- dents living in this country. Students ised immigration crime, illegal work- Patterson, the latter of which is cur- Imperial College Healthcare has cluding Imperial’s own Professor Karol faculty Drug Discovery Centre. Profes- applying for a visa will be forced to pay ing and benefit fraud tackled. ID cards rently the Honorary Secretary of the snubbed the NHS drugs rationing Sikora, the government finally backed sor Steve Smith, chief executive and between £295 and £500 as part of the for foreign nationals, in locking people City and Guilds College Union and is body, the National Institute of Clini- down and loosened up the restrictions principal of the trust, recently ranked visa application process and will be to one identity, will deliver in all these still in favour of the split. cal Excellence (NICE), by setting up its on private ‘top-up’ treatment. In light 11th in the 50 most powerful people in charged a £30 fee if they lose the card. areas,” A large proportion of other univer- own ‘in-house’ version. The trust will of the new regulations, Imperial Col- the NHS, said the trust has such a large Critics have accused the government Some support for the scheme exists sities have separate positions for edu- decide whether to prescribe drugs to lege Healthcare has decided to contra- research base that the drugs may have of using foreign students (a group less with Sir Andrew Green of Migration- cation and welfare in the sabbatical its patients that have been deemed not dict NICE and prescribe the expensive been developed by its own experts or able to resist than UK citizens) as guin- watch UK saying the cards should be structure, which some have used as an cost effective by NICE or have not yet new drug treatments banned from the that the trust is involved in clinical tri- ea pigs for the controversial scheme. supported. argument for having the new position. been approved. NHS, where appropriate, and absorb als and can enrol patients. Thus it is Between 50,000 and 60,000 foreign “We welcome the introduction of By splitting the roles, it would seem, This move by Imperial comes after the cost from its £800m budget. best placed to decide what the most ef- students are expected to receive cards ID cards for foreign nationals as part at least on paper, that the two roles the recent controversy that many new The trust is made up of Hammer- fective treatments for its patients are. by March with the scheme extended to of wider measures to tackle illegal im- would better tend to the needs of the and more effective cancer treatments smith Hospital, Queen Charlotte’s and Imperial College Healthcare may home and EU students in 2010. migration,” but Director of civil rights students. have been rejected by the NICE purely Chelsea, St Mary’s, Charing Cross, the have shown that it is a force to be Foreign students will be required to group Liberty, Shami Chakrabarti said: One of the biggest criticism that has on cost grounds. These drug treat- Western Eye Hospital and Imperial reckoned with by taking matters into renew their visas in person, at a number “The public will yawn at yet another come from the current education and Four might become five by this time next year ments, however, have been proven to College London following a merger last its own hands. It will, however, be in- of centres around the country; a centre re-launch of this scheme and if the welfare structure is that there are many prolong cancer patients’ lives and are year. It is now one of the largest trusts teresting to see whether its defiance in Croydon will serve London. Biomet- card came with loyalty points, we still student demands that fail to be met, for also freely provided on the Continent. in the country with a budget at least in favour of patient care sets a trend ric data including fingerprints will be wouldn’t buy it. Picking on foreigners example improvement of the prsonal student’s education experience whilst high need for communication. As these drugs are not available on the twice that of the average hospital and for the rest of the country’s healthcare collected at the centres but eye scans first is divisive politics; as costly to our tutor system. This could be one reason at Imperial and year-on-year, it is the Towards the end of the meeting it NHS, many cancer patients have there- was ranked the third safest hospital in providers. have been dropped. Liberal Democrat race relations as our purses.” why Imperial College has the lowest sabbatical role which fails to meet the was suggested that instead of splitting fore had to pay for them privately in home affairs spokesman Chris Huhne The cost of the scheme has come student satisfaction rating of all the majority of their aims because it is so this role the Faculty Union Presidents order to access the new treatments. In said: “Foreign nationals, who cannot under attack with current estimates top 10 universities in the country, an broad”. could become full time sabbaticals, some cases this can cost up to £5,000 photograph courtesy of Live! vote, are perfect guinea pigs for a gov- putting the price at £4.7 billion. Critics issue that was raised in the RWB meet- Another key point that was raised by which would mean that they could po- per month. ernment wanting to test a deeply un- have decried the unnecessary scheme ing this week. At the end of each aca- the group is that Imperial is truly inde- tentially alleviate the workload of the The situation is worsened by the popular and unworkable policy.” as a waste at a time of economic crisis. demic term, students fill out the SOLE pendent, as it is no longer affiliated to DPEW. This was supported with the NHS rule that states a patient cannot Other charges levelled at the scheme Liberal Democrat home affairs spokes- form where they rate their courses and the National Union of Students [NUS] arguments that currently the faculties be both a private and NHS patient at are that it is ineffective and serves man Chris Huhne said “This hugely ex- lecturers. However it was pointed out or the University of London Union are able to deal with education and the same time for the treatment of the merely to reduce the general public’s pensive scheme will have no impact on that students feel very little action is [ULU], and as a result the representa- welfare matters relating to their facul- same condition. Thus patients who aversion to I.D. cards. Phil Booth, head crime, terrorism, illegal immigration seen from these results. tion of our students on a national scale ty. However, this would mean the crea- had been topping up their NHS care of the national No2ID campaign group or illegal working as foreign nationals When asked for her comments, Han- is more important now than ever. tion of two more sabbaticals instead of by paying for the new cancer drugs said, “The Home Office is trying to already have passports with visas. This nah Theodorou, the Deputy President With each of the arguments for split- just the one. privately, have found themselves ef- salami slice the population to get this intrusion on British liberty is com- (Education & Welfare) points out that ting the position, there were also the However, some students fear that by fectively banned from NHS treatment. scheme going in any way they can”. He pletely unnecessary.” adding “When “significant changes do come about as reasons against the split. One main creating a faculty sabbatical, it would This of course has incurred very heavy added “The volume of foreign nation- the rest of us are forced to carry ID a result of surveys such as SOLE. How- concern that was raised was that the mean that the there would be more financial costs for many cancer patients als involved is minuscule so it won’t do cards, this scheme will prove to be a ever, we have traditionally, as a College creation of the new position would segregation of students form the cen- paying for all aspects of their care. anything to tackle illegal immigration.” laminated Poll Tax.” and a Union, not been very good at mean that money would be moved tral union, as is currently the case The government initially backed this The Conservative Party similarly op- There has been significant student communicating these to the students. from other sources, with the biggest with Faculty of Medicine. Hannah also rather hard- line stance on patients poses the scheme. Shadow home sec- opposition at a number of universi- This is particularly time-consuming fear being that money would be taken pointed out that a lot of her workload turning to private health care. Their retary Dominic Grieve said, “The Gov- ties around the country. Students in and as such has usually been sidelined from clubs and societies. This is not is currently not Faculty- specific. Student’s from this years SHAG team managed to get a image reasoning being that they did not want ernment are kidding themselves if they Liverpool protested with anti-I.D. card because of other projects”. She went on the case, as the need for an additional The issue is being taken to the next of a red ribbon onto the Queen’s Tower earlier this week to raise to create a ‘two-tier’ healthcare system think ID cards for foreign nationals group “Say no to ID cards” and Man- to add “The issue isn’t necessarily that sabbatical would have to be agreed by Union Council on the 15th December. awareness of World Aids Day. Also earlier this week, members of whereby patients lying next to each will protect against illegal immigration chester University students outside the my workload is far greater than anyone College Council, with the extra money the SHAG team managed to recreate a human ribbon, also to raise other on a hospital ward would be get- or terrorism - since they don’t apply to Home Office building. ICU President else’s; all the sabbaticals are worked coming from the College directly. An- Got any views, let us know by awareness of the day. If this isn’t enough, the entire centre page of ting different levels of treatment. How- The home secretary presenting the controversial new I.D. card those coming here for less than three Jenny Morgan told felix that she’s “yet off their feet. It’s the fact that my role other concern would be the overlap posting on the Live! website - felix this week is dedicated to World Aids Day. Enjoy! months”. Foreign students will have no to see one good argument for the ID has the widest scope for improving the between the two positions and the live.cgcu.net/news/1874 choice about the I.D. cards as they will cards, whereas there are so many argu- be refused the right to stay in the coun- ments against.” try if they reject the cards. She then went on to say that “per- The government has ignored oppo- haps we should remind the govern- Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London sition to the scheme. Home Secretary ment of the Human Rights Act. The SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Jacqui Smith claimed in November that government should be ashamed at us- Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest Allegations of terrorism people ‘can’t wait for ID cards’ adding ing international students who could felix 1,418 Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper that “I regularly have people coming be vulnerable due to the language bar- Friday 5/12/08 ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2008. up to me and saying they don’t want to rier and possibly not knowing what the levelled at Zohair wait that long [2012].” The government norm is in Britain.” believes that the identity card scheme If you are a non-home or EU student Felix was brought to you by: Kadhim Shubber study at the University of Conneticut. will reduce illegal immigration and and have received an I.D. card or are Deputy Editor When he tried to leave for the U.S. ear- make it easier for employers to ensure re-applying for your VISA soon, please

Editor in Chief: Jovan Nedić Deputy Editor: Kadhim Shubber Associate Editor: Gilead Amit LOLCATZ lier in 2008 he was detained for 2 hours they don’t employ illegal immigrants. contact us at [email protected] Zohair Abu-Shaban, the Palestinian and interrogated by Israeli security Copy Editors Arts Editors Music Editors student that was prevented from tak- personnel about possible affiliations Louise Etheridge Caz Knight Peter Sinclair ing up his place at Imperial this year, with Hamas, which Zohair strenuously Jonathan Lloyd-Williams David Paw Susan Yu is suspected by the Israeli government rejected: “I am independent from Ha- Catherine Lau Emily Wilson James Houghton of links to terrorist activities, felix has mas, I have no affliation to it, I have no Sasha Nicoletti learned. relation to its activities.” His U.S. visa

Dina Ismail Film Editors What’s On Editors o f t he W EE K In response to enquiries about Zo- was eventually cancelled on the basis Daria Nakariakova Zuzanna Blaszczak Rachel D’oliviero hair the Israeli Embassy in London’s of secret Israeli evidence. “I cannot Jonathan Dakin Lily Topham Public Affairs Department sent an see the evidence and so have no op- Politics Editors: email to the Union detailing the reason portunity to contest it,” wrote Zohair James Goldsack Food Editors Nightlife Editor why he was prevented from crossing in response. Katya-yani Vyas Rosie Grayburn Catherine Jones into Israel. felix was unable to contact Zohair Afonso Campos felix has seen this email which says personally about the latest develop- Science Editors Puzzles Editor that “he [Zohair] is wanted for ques- ments, however he has previously stat- Mićo Tatalović Technology Editor Charles Murdoch tioning in Israel as he is suspected of ed his “abhorrence of violence”. felix is Daniel Burrows Richard Lai being involved with terrorist activity”. unable to comment on the credibility Clubs and Socs Editor The email does not specify any further of the accusations and will report any Business Editor Coffee Break Editor Alice Rowlands details but it goes on to state that: “If updates on the situation as and when Luke Dhanoa Ravi Pall he tries to cross the Israeli border he they are received. It is as yet unknown Sports Editors will be arrested immediately.” whether the accusations will have an International Editor Fashion Editor Jack Cornish Before applying to Imperial College, impact on his deferred place to study Hassan Joudi Dan Wan Mustapher Botchway Zohair had a Fulbright Scholarship to at Imperial. Will this affect his place here? The home secretary presenting the controversial new I.D. card 4 felix Friday 5 December 2008 News [email protected]

Roaming Rabbi at IC The world beyond Jovan Nedić Editor in Chief college walls Several complaints have been raised over the recent actions of a Jewish Rabbi on the Imperial College campus. : Treaty to ban cluster bombs Rabbi Mendy Loewenthal has been Norway seen in and around campus attempting signed to inform the Jewish students about the Chabad organization. Representatives of 100 countries gathered in the Norwegian capital Oslo to Chabad, who are an outreach branch sign a treaty that will ban cluster bombs all over the world. However the big- of the Jewish faith that provides oppor- gest stockpilers of the weapon, the US, Russia and China will not be signing, tunities for Jews to become more ob- arguing that cluster bombs have legitimate military uses such as repelling servant, as well as shelter and kosher advancing troop columns. food for travelling Jews. Their website Concerted pressure to ban the weapon came from campaign groups around describes the Chabad of South Ken- the world, and the movement gathered momentum after the 2006 Israel-Leb- sington as a ‘place where university anon war where cluster bombs were deployed. Supporters of the treaty hope students come to connect to their Juda- it will stigmatise the use of cluster bombs, just as landmines were stigmatised ism. It offers students the opportunity by the 1999 Ottawa Treaty, which will shame the big arms producers to sign to learn and discover the richness of the cluster bomb treaty at a later date. their Jewish heritage with group study, one on one learning, organized trips, Shabbat and holiday celebrations.’ Neither Imperial College Union : ‘Chemical Ali’ convicted [ICU] nor Imperial College [IC] have Iraq a problem with the presence of the Saddam Hussein’s cousin, Ali Hassan Al-Majid who is known as “Chemical Rabbi in the area. They are concerned, Ali”, has been convicted of crimes against humanity by the Iraqi High Tribu- however, with his actions around cam- nal and sentenced to death for a second time. He was found guilty of crush- pus. Several posters have been appear- ing a Shi’ite uprising after the First Gulf War in 1991. The prosecution used ing across the campus advertising the evidence obtained from dozens of mass graves Chabad centre using the Imperial Col- Rabbi Mendy and Sara Loewenthal operate on an open door policy, containing thousands of decayed bodies that were lege Union logo, thus indicating that regardless of affiliations, backgrounds, and religious observance discovered after U.S. forces ousted Saddam’s gov- there might be an affiliation with ICU. ernment in 2003. Jenny Morgan, ICU President, made Al-Majid, who earned his nickname for his it very clear that he has “no affiliation campus in an attempt to contact the ising additional educational and social role in using poison gas against Kurdish villages, with Imperial College or the Union”. Jewish community at Imperial. events for Jewish students but other already faces a death sentence handed to him in Imperial College do have a Chaplaincy One student told felix that they have students feel that considering the small June 2007 for his role in a 1981 crackdown on Centre, which is open for students of felt ‘harassed’ by Rabbi Lowenthal, number of Jews at Imperial it is not Kurds in northern Iraq, but it was never carried all faiths to go and explore different who persistently sent them e-mails and necessary to have another organisation out due to political wrangling. faiths and beliefs, ask questions about flyers in an unsolicited manner. He has competing with the Imperial College identity and meaning and to engage also attempted to add a number of stu- Jewish Society which already provides with contemporary issues. dents as friends on facebook, and has educational and social activities for Rabbi Loewenthal has also been call- added Imperial addresses to his mail- Jews at Imperial and are weary that : Time for Mugabe to be ing himself the Rabbi for Imperial Col- ing list without consent of the students Chabad have a hidden agenda.” Kenya lege, which is incorrect, as the actual in question. Recently, Chabad were in interna- removed, says Kenyan Prime Minister Rabbi for London students is Rabbi Yoni Weiner, President of Imperial tional news when Rabbi Gavriel and Gavin Broder. Rabbi Broder has been College Jewish Society, told felix that Rivkah Holtzberg, a couple running a According to Raila Odinga, the Kenyan Prime Minisiter, “power-sharing heavily involved with campus activities “there has been a mixed response from Chabad house in Mumbai, were killed in Zimbabwe is dead and it is time for African governments to oust Presi- this year, including assisting at the ICU the Jewish students, some students during the recent tragic events that oc- dent Robert Mugabe. The comments made by the Kenyam PM is one of the Freshers’ Fair and wandering around have welcomed another person organ- curred there. strongest comments made by any African leader, and are sure to have re- sounding effects. President Robert Mugabe, who has been in power for some 28 years, blames Western sanctions for the current situation and woes in Zimbabwe. As the most recent elections, President Mugabe had to share power with Imperial College Big Band Morgan Tsvangirai after many months of campaigning. win Gold Award John Prestage & velopment, furthering the opportunity union and an annual European tour. Marc Hinken to be nationally recognised as one of Their next performance will be on the top Big Bands in the country. Thursday 18th December at 8pm in Sunday 30th November saw the Im- The IC Big Band rehearses on a dBs, promising to be one of the high- perial College Big Band take a trip to weekly basis and showcases some of lights of Christmas week at the union. Colchester to take part in the regional the best musical talent that Imperial Entrance is free and the band will be heat for the National Concert Band has to offer. The society is one of the playing their award winning tunes as Festival. Competing in the Open Big most active at Imperial, with extensive well as their usual variety of jazz, latin, Band category, the band played music gig opportunities arising throughout funk and a feast of Christmas songs from jazz legends Gordon Goodwin, the year, including termly gigs at the like you’ve never heard them before! Dizzy Gillespie and Kenny Wheeler, up against strong competition from the University of Surrey Big Band, amongst others. The band excelled under the direction of musical director Andy Simm, with the judges particu- larly impressed by the band’s “highly musical and stylish performance”, as well as Chaz Keiderling’s masterful solo on the tenor saxophone. The band walked away with the highest award possible, a gold, being the only band in the South East to do so, marking an excellent end to the au- tumn term. In April, the band will trav- el to Cardiff to take part in the national finals of the festival, where they will be fiercely competing against winners of the other regional heats. This will give the band an excellent opportunity to further their musical and cultural de- IC Big Band perform their music at the competition 6 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Friday 5 December 2008 felix 7 [email protected] Comment Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of felix Amin Elmubarak says don’t sacrifice democracy “A community after interrogators found out from the Indian soil have been occurring for equally guilty of this, why would one one terrorist captured alive that he had years, but for years it has mainly been strip their country’s constitution of civ- that feels been working with “lashkar i taiba”– a the poor or those of “lower casts” that il liberty by such acts as the Prevention terrorist organisation with a link to the have been affected: Trains being de- of Terrorism act here and the Patriot drags victimised due to Pakistani government. railed, lone gunmen, grenades, car act in the US? By sacrificing freedom Angry Geek Although you can use ‘devastating’, bombs etc. So what is the difference? for safety one deserves and will achieve Imperial Girl bites back at her what they hold ‘disgusting’ or all of their synonyms in These attacks on Mumbai have killed neither, this is how it works: one large sentence that would cause about a dozen Westerners – the other Those who are profiled as being high up MMR again... it’s dear, would feel your computer to paint the page green, one hundred and sixty or so were Indi- terror suspects due to what a profile of critics... well just Angry Geek it will not do justice for those who have an, yet the media coverage everywhere a terrorist is, would have their civil lib- resentful and had their lives taken in those attack. has shown those Western victims. Put erties quashed “for the sake of national “There are only of the Woody and Mia case where the Yet it is very important to try and put simply, this is an attack that the West security”. A community that feels vic- then couple adopted a child called not his fault, honest angry with no the events that transpired in Mumbai – those crusaders against terror can re- timised due to what they hold dear re- so many times Soon-Yi who then went on to marry into some kind of context. late to. Though we can only speculate gardless of what it is: be it religion, eth- her guardian Woody. He is now 71 to just the one some years back now. idea how to be After 9/11, the Patriot act was at this moment in time about the mo- nicity or country of origin – as the case you can write and she is 36 and they have been hap- Everyone’s happy, in theory. Until the rushed through Congress and after the tives behind the Mumbai attacks, we may be in India now that one of the pily married for 10 years. Not to say alleged link with autism hit the press, heard” attacks on the London Underground can be certain that, unlike 9/11, it has terrorist was found to be a Pakistani about Wikipedia that all adopted children will marry and everything went into the toilet. All and Transport System in July, the nothing to do with America’s foreign citizen – would feel resentful and an- their guardians but there are other across the universe, a million women Prevention of Terrorism act has been policy in the Middle East. gry with no idea of how to make their before the complications. cried out in unison, “As a mother, I...” rushed similarly through Parliament. Secondly, who on Earth would wish views heard. Of those, a suggestion Take the Jolie case where many bogus and then fell silent. “The War on Terror” seems like an odd to follow the actions of the Bush Ad- able and angry few would be utilised as Imperial body claims were made to acknowledge that Only it wasn’t silence, it was really phrase. Simple enough, one may think ministration? This is a government foot soldiers to commit senseless acts baby Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt was ac- loud shouting and the most comedy- e must follow the Jaitley, a senior member of India’s op- but what does it actually mean? Terror that instigated a war against an enemy of terrorism on defenceless civilians thinks that the tually their biological grand-daughter sized gigantic headlines you could pos- example of what position party, the BJP. is not an ideology like Communism or state after only loosely associating it and so the cycle is perpetuated. or otherwise daughter. What happens sibly imagine. the United States The number of confirmed dead a “rogue state” like North Korea. It is the Airliner attacks. Let’s not forget In closing, these attacks are more toilet paper in when the parents of the adopted child “What in God’s Despite the fact that a lot of the fuss did after 9/11, we reached 172 and counting, after a siege the utilisation of desperate, disorien- that the Taliban government did not than ghastly, yet if the response is a want back in to that child’s life, perhaps surrounding MMR has died down are more vulner- of almost 60 hours and multiple gun tated and frustrated naïve young peo- fund, coordinate or aid the attacks on knee-jerk one then we will do noth- Sherfield is a for financial motives, emotional at- name are they now, it’s still a good demon to drag out able than them and therefore we must battles at multiple locations, includ- ple by older, more calculated individu- the Twin Towers and Iraq…. Well they ing but cause suffering to those caught tachment and alike? What if the child of the underworld once in a while and Wbe a tough state and not a soft state. ing several luxurious hotels that attract als who remain hidden but wish their were included as part of the war on ter- in the cross-fire and encourage a new better read than wants to know who their biological thinking?! My beat to death with the journalism stick, Our Intelligence network, our secu- the upper classes and wealthy, both do- own atrocious agendas to be met. ror but as hindsight is always 20:20, we oppressed and frustrated generation parents are? Does this system make an so naturally this story was a good one. rity response, our legal framework mestic and tourist alike. I sincerely hope that India does not now know that the reasons for going to of would-be terrorists, who will have your column” adopted child search for closure in un- GP doesn’t tell Who cares why the baby died, all that all need an overhaul and all need a Newspapers in India have reported follow what America did after 9/11 war had nothing to do with this global grown up in countries that have come answered questions for the rest of their matters is that someone died, and the strengthening” that the country’s government has for many reasons. Firstly India is not battle against terrorism. to accept civil-rights violating laws in lives and equally the mother that will- me not to inject MMR jab is to blame. This was the reaction from Arun raised its security level to a “War level” America, these type of attacks on And finally; though Westminster was the name of national security. ingly or unwillingly gave up their child Presumably, then, the journalists so long ago? heroin into my were quite disappointed upon talking It undeniable that a child might know to the parents and discovering their had the choice not to respond. it got me thinking. Adoption. Is it for without being told that they are adopt- eyeballs, but I baby died because they weren’t keep- I had the choice not to write everyone? ed but what’s assured is that if a mother ing an eye on his temperature. This is a again. I had the choice to give When I was in Year 8 my English is desperately seeking a child and has still don’t add it child with a rocky medical history any- in. But of course I didn’t get into teacher was talking about some litera- the ornate need to be a mother she will way, and the parents claim his death Imperial with that submissive ture that discussed the subject of adop- overcome all these barriers. There are to my to-do list!” came about because they weren’t told Gilead Amit welcomes you to Cabaret approach. Angry Geek, you really are tion. At the end of the class, she passed too many children left stranded in this to watch over the child following the Itoo angry. I take on board your criti- by a friend and I and started talking. world to deny them a chance of a fam- vaccination. settle before the film of inspiration can Nazi Germany, I feel tempted to quote cisms about my grammar but I don’t She admitted she wanted children but ily or just a mother. China’s orphaned I’m sorry? I mean, assuming this was be stirred by the ladle of reinterpreta- the line from Pimpernel Smith: ‘The agree with your attitude to the context couldn’t have them. Adoption was out; girls are of the most highly publicised, actually true, and they weren’t told to tion. The motivation behind artistic mind of man is bounded only by the of my columns. I write to share MY ex- “Couldn’t do that” she says “bring up reasoned the result of the One Child picked up the Metro again this watch their own son - which is hugely endeavour should not be a desire to Universe’. periences as a girl at Imperial; it’s not someone else’s child” (the hint towards Policy. Adoption is a lengthy process week, fresh from including it in unlikely, as it’s about the only thing you feed off a collective nostalgia. People Platitudinous and unimpressive for you to disregard me, as crude or as that the parents might be unsavoury that can often take years, in which time my column not so long ago. In can get nurses to say nowadays - and with originality, creativity and vision when seen out of its original context unimportant you might find them. characters and may have passed on many of these orphans may pass. a way, I was asking to be pissed then, then assuming that they weren’t should be encouraged to embark on as a codephrase for Jewish intellectu- Threats in your last comment, “... these characteristics to the child). Adoption is not without its red tape off, but the promise of their new handed a bunch of paperwork saying their own projects, not incited to tap als to escape from German clutches, have formed a militia with the intent Adoption has become “All the rage” but if a someone wants to adopt none section intrigued me. Turns out that exactly the same thing - almost as un- into lucrative veins of enthusiasm they perhaps, but true nonetheless. The of murdering you in your sleep”- A. with the endorsement of celebrities of these factors should stop them. Imy claim of them stealing stuff from likely, since the one universal constant didn’t generate. At the present rate of problem with that, of course, is that the Geek, are seriously not appreciated. such as Angelina and Madonna. But is What do you think? - email me, Impe- the Internet wasn’t so far-fetched, as of medical treatment is that you leave things, the entirety of cinema history Universe is a pretty limited place to be- I may talk of female issues that you it a dangerous game? Many may know [email protected]. they now have a section dedicated en- with lots of bits of paper telling you will be rewritten every fifty or so years, gin with. Things exist in patterns and find offensive but in every language, tirely to that. to sit very still in a dark room for four in progressively sharper colours and rhythms, with repetitions and recur- that act of violent murder is definitely Unbelievable quality journalism, days - even assuming all of this, are you with increasingly tighter dialogue. ring features: the very fabric of the cos- NOT funny or witty and is unlikely to right there hard-hitting coverage of a honestly telling me that these parents “People with Take the Old Testament – a work mos obeys phenomenally simple laws be tolerated by anyone on Campus. I walrus with some kind of flute, accom- did not consider to watch their own blinding in its originality and breath- governed by mathematics that even a read the psychiatrist is great at Impe- panied by an explanation that - animal son? creativity taking in its scope - a text that has human mind is capable of grasping. rial; perhaps you should take a look in lovers may complain- but hey, fuck What in God’s name are they think- formed the bedrock of Western civili- Just as the infinite possibilities existing because that is a ridiculous comment them, this is a walrus with a goddamn ing?! My GP doesn’t tell me not to shouldn’t be zation and that no self-respecting ho- in nature lie in variations on a theme, to attack me with. wind instrument! inject heroin into my eyeballs, but I tel bedroom should be without. How so the most original of our inventions At first, I was quite hurt by your re- As I leafed, I came across The Story. still don’t add it to my to-do list. And incited to tap would it feel if some local studio chiefs fall into the same trap. sponse and shocked that you choose The Story concerns the MMR Baby that’s when I began to feel the pangs decided to commission a remake? An The theory has been proposed that to publicly announce your views about that died ten days after receiving an of guilt, because God knows I’m a fan into lucrative updated version with an all-star cast all stories, whether taken from the my column is such a derogatory way arguably controversial inoculation. It of bitching about the NHS. There are and none of the unnecessary boring arcana of Norse Mythology or the fi- to women “Loose-Women”- A. Geek, didn’t get many column inches, pre- a lot of incompetent people working veins of bits that were in the original? Some- nal assignments of first-year creative without emailing me first. Then I re- sumably because the paper was all for them, mainly because they insist on thing that captured the spirit of the writing students from American arts membered the numerous emails I babied out, what with coverage of the hiring “humans” for some reason. I’ve enthusiasm they day? colleges, fall into five basic categories. have received and feedback that I have terribly-named doom babies, Faith and been done over a lot of times, and fam- Sure, let’s make the God character There are five ways we have managed heard from girls and some guys who Hope, and the baby made for tabloid ily members have fallen pretty ill ow- didn’t generate” a little friendlier. Let’s cut some of the to express our Universe in verbal form, enjoy reading my column and decided headlines, Baby P. ing to their mistakes. But there’s always explicit sex and violence in order to and all the rest, as the preacher might not to let your opinions affect the read- Yet despite being consigned to the a line you have to draw, isn’t there? get a PG or U rating. Let’s insert a like- say, is vanity. ers chance to enjoy reading what I have depths of the inner pages, the MMR There’s always that point at which you able, central protagonist and have him While not subscribing to the idea to say. Baby still makes a good headline, con- have to say that maybe, maybe this isn’t be a little more tolerant than some of that five is necessarily the golden So please, although I am flattered by taining both the word ‘baby’ and ‘died’, something we should be complaining n the forty-odd half-baked lit- ond long extract from the movie But I am a better man. The most dis- the guys in the original. You know, to number, we are clearly limited in the all the attention you are giving me, you part of the holy trinity of sensationalist about? tle ramequins of whimsy that ‘Cabaret’, wherein a suitably blonde, turbing Cabaret-related item I was able get the kids involved. You can guess means of communication open to us. keep to your side of the sheet and I’ll journalism. Okay, so a cute little baby died. We I’ve rammed down your throats blue-eyed Aryan youth sings a gen- to find online this time round was that the punchline to this Mitchell & Webb Every novel is in some sense an adapta- keep to mine. I suppose if you mention But why would I be angry about the want someone to blame. But throttling over the fifteen months spent at tle berceuse to the beauties of the a remake starring Renee Zellwegger sketch: the New Testament is released tion of an earlier publication, each play me again we will all just have to assume death of an adorable, innocent child? the NHS – just as throttling social serv- this glorious institution, I have countryside. is up in the air. I hope and pray to my in cinemas globally and has massive or sonata a pastiche of an earlier work, that you have run out of things to write Why. I’m such a bastard. There’s even ices with the Baby P fiasco – is unlikely only once embarked on what could be As the camera pans out to reveal the Immoral Atheistic Nonentities that it returns at the Box Office. Lucifer vies and all films remakes or parodies of about, I mean there are only so many a photo of him, and he definitely looks to help things. These institutions exist Icalled a rant. A stream of violent abuse Hitlerjugend cap on his blue hair and never comes back down. There comes with Saint John the Baptist for the those that came before. times you can write about Wikipedia like he was going to grow up to be because they get things right most of emerged from my own fair hands in the demented look in his blonde eyes, a point when the idea of remakes, re- Best Supporting Actor Oscar while the We can’t help repeating ourselves, until the Imperial body thinks that the Prime Minister or something. I’m such the time. That’s a fact. The only thing May of last year, as I tore into YouTube the entire biergarten is seen joining vivals and sequels leaves the platonic Almighty makes a clean sweep of the and our artistic footprints are so large toilet paper in Sherfield is a better read a shit. to be angry about in the case of this commenters in a wholly cathartic vitu- him in a rousing chorus of ‘Tomor- world of tribute and respect far behind Special Effects prizes for the second that we end up crossing our own paths than your column. :) Well. Back history for those unini- child’s untimely death is that he wasn’t perative frenzy. The video that sparked row Belongs To Me’. A terrifying clip and plunges itself headlong into the year running. Talk of a television series time and time again. There should, So I carry on regardless. Recently, I tiated with the wonders of the MMR. cared for better. off that uncharacteristic outburst, in that offers us one of the most enduring crass world of commercialism. is scrapped as Jesus reveals he won’t be however, be limits to how eagerly we have been exploring the idea of adop- The Measles, Mumps and Rubella vac- one of those twists Agatha Christie cinematic clichés of pre-war Germany. Reproducing an artist’s work before it able to make the filming dates: a shame, run around in circles. When this par- tion, bought about by a discussion I cine is an injection given to children to Let me know how little I know would have struggled to concoct, was Lots of scope for vapid, sinister or be- has truly faded from the collective con- but maybe we could shift the focus onto ticular frothy souffle of enchantment is had with a relative. She feels that she protect them from some pretty horrific about medicine and/or caring for also the inspiration for the FROTHY wilderingly stupid video posts, I’m sure sciousness is as insulting as it is lazy. a secondary character. ‘Saint Peter: the updated to a 22nd Century audience, will be unable to find a partner soon diseases. They used to come as three children by sending your flaming quiche of delight you now see before you’ll agree. One year and 784 posts Imitation maybe the highest form of Pearly Gates’ goes into pre-production for instance, it would be a shame if enough to have a child of her own. separate stabs in the arm, but medi- pitchforks to anangrygeek@goog- you. on, the reasons for my little explosion flattery, but a work needs to be allowed and the franchise keeps on growing. people watch the 2012 version of ‘Cab- So I suggested adoption to her, and BAM! A.Geek hits the deck! That’s a brutal left hook from Imperial Girl cal genius managed to cut that down lemail.com. The video in question was a 192-sec- are still painfully clear. to rest: the cauldron of creativity has to Seeing as I began with films set in aret’ to get a feel for my message. 8 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Friday 5 December 2008 felix 9 Comment [email protected] Science Science Editors – Daniel Burrows & Mićo Tatalović [email protected] Suicidal-emo-girl? on tolerance, criticism, Imperial Girl and A. Geek

irst off I need to thank more than some cheap laughs, the loss When I saw the various reactions pid and labels their views as ridiculous A.Geek for inspiring me to of diversity of views in our newspaper, to IG tabloid take its course I was re- and pathetic until just as so many years find a writer’s name. I can be a surely insulted and hurt author and minded of a scenario back in time earlier that person ceases to express Procrastinators Anonymous Podview horridly uninventive at times the intimidation for other people to that I would imagine at least a few of themselves the way they did. but thanks to him I shall no share their more intimate views out of the students here will find familiar. That isn’t criticism, it’s no different Olivia Sharp lives. Studies have shown that chronic ticed a stressed out friend with bad reviews newspaper ‘casts longer have to write as merely Un- fear of having them similarly ripped to Perhaps some of you remember that to the bullying one would expect of Science Reporter procrastinators have raised stress lev- teeth and anecdotes of falling over Felix Whitton known.F I must say I found the reply to shreds. “cool” / “popular”/ “funny” guy in early immature kids. It may be more refined, els, and are prone to further risks to in darkened rooms, help is at hand. my last article quite funny, even though Now I happen to be a fan of A.Geek Secondary. Perhaps some of you re- more intellectual and justifiable by free It seems like an inevitable consequence their health by putting off trips to the One strategy which has been shown Guardian Weekly - Podcast of the NY Times: Science Times I was just a tad upset that things didn’t usually, he has a very witty way of writ- call the quieter “geek” who unlike his speech, but for anyone who gives it of having things to do- we’re going to doctor and the dentist. They are much to work is to set yourself attainable, Week seem to come across as I wanted them ing and his articles can be quite amus- peers didn’t think physics and maths some thought it is still no more than have to spend time pondering, avoid- more likely to have accidents in the specific goals, instead of a vague goal to, ah well! I have a reiteration of the ing just as Gilead’s elegant mastery of was all that bad. Nor did he think that bullying. ing, being distracted from the task in home as they will avoid ‘dull’ tasks like which allows a get-out clause. So re- As a long- The NYT is same sort of idea written already but English can be delightful to read even the black guy rapping off on how many I would like to encourage IG to return hand. But researchers studying pro- changing a lightbulb. place ‘I will get fit’ with ‘I’m going to time a journalis- I’m not going to bore people with the though he lacks content at times. Also niggas he killed or how many bitches to the newspaper, for if the authors in crastination think it can have serious Procrastination at work has finan- the gym tomorrow at 7.30am.’ Guard- tic heavy- same concept so soon… perhaps I’ll I disagree with a lot, if not most of, the he fucked was all that awesome. my felix should have to be limited to health and financial consequences, cial consequences as time spent star- Psychologist Tim Pychyl gives some ian reader weight, send that one in sometime next term. ideas in Imperial Girl’s articles but that Perhaps you recall how because he those whose articles appeal to the likes and are looking for ways to conquer ing out of the window could be time nice parent-style advice: “Just get (‘leftie- and as such So now allow me to get on with the does not change the fact that regard- thought differently to the rest and of A.Geek or alternatively those tough time-wasting, potentially rendering spent productively badgering away. started”, the anticipation will be much scum’ you would topic I want to address today. I really less of my opinion, hers are just as didn’t follow the mainstream he was al- enough to take no heed of the aggres- Facebook useless. Steel believes certain character traits worse than the actual task. To prove to my expect a should have commented on this last valid. Even though I do not agree with ways the butt of jokes and never really sive feedback it will surely be a empty Around 90% of university students bring out the inner procrastinator, his credentials, he carried out a survey friends) I bruiser of week, but my lethargic nature and her, I find it interesting to see how she fit in. Whenever he said something the newspaper. Funny, amusing perhaps, are time-wasters, according to Uni- leaving some more prone. Time wast- on his students, querying their moods was a rela- a podcast my uncanny trend to procrastinate thinks. It brings diversity, a variety of “popular guy” would mock it and the but empty. I don’t need someone to versity of Calgary economist Piers ers are low in the conscientious trait, and how much they were putting off tive late- to go with “As soon as you delayed the effort of typing these few outlooks on life and alone the fact that crowd would all laugh amusedly and write stuff the way I see things for its Steel, who describes procrastination they are less ‘dutiful, organised and tasks with deadlines. comer to such a reputation. But this is America, words slightly. her view on life is so radically different slowly but surely the “geek” would stop nothing new, I’m much more interest- as ‘voluntarily delaying a course of ac- industrious’. He found ‘when students actually their science podcast. Presented by lest we forget, so any science must be write about how As I’m sure you’re all aware there are to mine or what I usually read, alone bothering to give his input. A classic ed to hear those who think differently. tion despite expecting to be worse off They are also likely to be impulsive- do the task they are avoiding, their one of the best teams of science jour- delivered in an earnestly folksy style, at least two different forms of criti- the fact that I’m left wondering how story of the creation of an outsider. To conclude, in his last article for the delay’. mixing up their intentions so being perceptions of the task change signifi- nalists around – at least in Britain, at the same time both patronising and you truly feel cism; constructive and destructive. I’m she got to the conclusions she did, it But then again perhaps you have A.Geek speaks of freeing little felix It comes from a human urge to easily distracted. Anxiety can be im- cantly. Many times, they actually en- where the paucity of good science re- yawn inducingly dull. So we have a also sure I don’t have to explain how makes her articles well worth reading. forgotten or never saw such a thing. from his ball gag, and I could not agree avoid the unpleasant. Students are a plicit- a fear of failure can lead some- joyed it.’ porting is worrying – Guardian Week- short snappy news bit; a quirky (read: you’ve opened A.Geek’s rant on Imperial Girl two But as popular as A.Geek maybe, he Fortunately the story has a happy end, with him more. But censorship does high risk category due to their often one to put off starting a task. So do your homework, you might ly is consistently thought-provoking, irritating) ‘health quiz’, which makes weeks ago was definitely the latter. Now is absolutely no one to say who “has is- because the “geek” goes off to a good not only come in the form of outright hectic academic schedules and social If this sounds like you, or you’ve no- like it… witty, and, most important of all, in- one wait until the end of the podcast yourself up that in itself is no problem, freedom of sues” and who has not. When someone university with likeminded people. prohibition to print something but can formative. It comes out every week (if to discover the answer (as if we care!); speech comes with freedom of expres- commits themselves to writing about He even goes as far as writing to the also be generated more subtly by creat- you hadn’t guessed), along with the the ‘science minute’ section (how very and there, in sion, and if you put your opinions and one’s own feelings and thoughts like newspaper regularly and in his own ing such an aggressive critical atmos- occasional special edition, and usually New York); and gravel-voiced present- views out there you have to be ready to IG did, it’s more than words that go way becomes quite popular amongst phere that authors are intimidated to runs to around 40 minutes. er and science editor David Corcoran between jokes, see them torn apart, trampled on, spat into the article. As soon as you write his peers. He can proudly be who he is write as they want to in fear of being Recent podcasts have focused on, introducing guests and features. There at and pulled through the mud. about how you truly feel or think, and express himself and all seems well. utterly flamed and bashed. In general amongst other things, Barack Obama’s are positives, the podcast manages to fluff and prose, is However, while there is no doubt that you’ve opened yourself up and there, Oh the irony is thus; that when in a bit more tolerance could do people a views on science, space tourism, im- squeeze a lot into less than 20 minutes. such is acceptable, I wonder if it is nec- in between the jokes, fluff and prose, is his new environment emerges a per- whole lot of good. provisation, and Darwin’s beard. In- And they do look at ‘serious’ science a part of you in essary in many cases. What happened a certain part of you in that article. To son who seems to think differently to But otherwise I still think you’re a trigued? If so, give the show a listen: – amid the bombardment of health with Imperial Girl went beyond criti- then have your views so aggressively him and the rest he resorts to mocking pretty cool guy A.Geek. Comment you (hopefully) won’t be disappointed. gossip – such as last week’s special ‘Be- that article” cism into mobbing and, for reasons I assaulted from several fronts at once and attacking this. Backed by the many over. Enjoy your week everybody! Much easier than picking up the news- yond the gene’, which was illuminating, will explore later, even into bullying with nothing held back, I can imagine who think alike, he works on making -For comments and messages mail to paper, with added interviews – nota- if annoying for me – as a biologist and in my opinion and resulted in nothing hurts. that person who is different look stu- [email protected] ble scientific celebrities include Sir pedant – when the panel of journalists Martin Rees, Marcus du Sautoy, and fell into the trap of talking about ‘a gene Imperial’s own Sir John ‘Mr. Invis- for so-and-so’. There is also a global feel ible’ Pendry – plus special features to the podcast, a nice change for any- and top-notch analysis from Alok Jha one who has had to sit through hours VAT and Imperial College Union and his crack team of writers. And you of inward-looking US shows. So while can listen while doing the washing up, things are patchy stylistically, Science something which I don’t recommend Times partly atones for its sins by tak- Following the government’s trying with the paper. ing a serious, if at times humourless, http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/series/ look at the world of science beyond the reduction in VAT on Monday, the Professional procrastinator comic series PhD comic that regularly talks about the “power of procrastination” science parochial borders of middle-America. http://www.nytimes.com/pages/science Union have changed our prices where applicable. • The Union Shop and Newsagent Max Axiom™: Super Scientist have reduced their prices and Mico Tatalovic although some of the marked up Science Editor prices have not changed yet, the Maxwell J. Axiom is no ordinary super- hero. He is no other than the super sci- price you will actually pay at the till entist! If you had any doubt about sci- ence being super, he’s here to quench has been reduced accordingly. that doubt. Born to a marine biologist mother and nuclear physicist/park ranger father in Seattle, USA, he’s got • The Union Catering’s prices black skin, brown eyes and no hair. He tomatic hand glider and a private jet. tion of the Earth, we also get a bit of is the scientific version of Shaft, swift, In addition he rides a sleek motorbike history. will not change as VAT is not dynamic, cool. His super-powers come and scuba dives. No wonder, when he from a lightning that struck him one gets to visit the top of the Mount Ev- Magnetism applicable to our food sales. day on a wilderness hike: it gave him a erest, dive off the coast of Alaska back This is the famous episode where It’s rumoured that Max can even ‘down’ a yard of ale in 3.32 seconds newfound energy and motivated him in 1964, fly over San Andreas fault in Max “shrinks to the size of an atom” • The Union Bars’ prices will remain to travel the globe and earn degrees California and then go to Taiwan, and in order to explain just how magnet- in every aspect of science. Equipped also visit Iran after the devastating ism works at an atomic level. He also the scientific method that gives sci- models all feature in this episode. unchanged due to the rise in the with this enormous knowledge that he 2003 earthquake and all this in just 23 visits ancient Greece where the word ence its prestige and claim to objectiv- was ready to share, he assumed a new pages. magnet was first coined, it was named ity. But in order to decide if this is true Light duty on alcohol cancelling out identity: Max Axiom, Super Scientist. after a region called Magnesia which or not one needs to understand what Sunshine, sun-bathing, rainbows and His superpowers include super-intelli- Volcanoes was littered with a naturally magnetic this method is. Perhaps more impor- lightning are all the phenomena Max any change in prices that may be gence, ability to shrink to a size of an In another one of episodes packed with rock “magnesian stone”. Another story tantly for would-be scientists is to see attempts to explain in this episode. atom, time travel and X-ray vision. So time and space travel, Max starts of on says magnets were first discovered how the scientists go about their daily Just to make sure we understand it passed on to the Union by our apart from breaking a few laws of phys- the slopes of a volcano in Costa Rica by a Greek shepherd Magnes whose work: what is it that they do when they all he embarks on space voyage in his ics in the start there, he does make up dressed in some high-tech volcanolo- sandals (built with iron nails) were at- practice science? Philosophers and compact space-shuttle, all the way to suppliers. for it by using all of his powers to ex- gist suit; then he flies to a research ves- tracted to magnesian stones. Not even sociologists have argued for decades the Sun to observe nuclear fusion that plain the science to the readers. sel somewhere on the Pacific to take Max can tell us if this story is true, but about this, but Max explains the crux creates energy some of which is visible a ‘mini-sub’ to the seabed to show us he sure makes sure we understand how of it in this exciting episode that sees light. He also rides a beam of light at Earthquakes underwater volcanoes forming new and why magnets work in this fascinat- Max’s city threatened by flooding from the maximum possible speed in the Max is in danger at the beginning islands. He travels back in time to see ing comic. a nearby river. The best way to decide universe, and obviously has a lot of fun of this comic, as his car is stuck on a the eruptions and the after-effects in on how to stop the river is to follow doing it! But we see here that Max is collapsing bridge. He gets saved by a Washington in 1980, Martinique in Scientific Method the scientific method to design the also a human being, he visits a muse- rescue helicopter and flying becomes 1902 and Pompeii in AD 79, so apart What is so special about science; why best possible levee to prevent the river um, has a cookie and a hot drink and imperialcollegeunion.org his mode of transport. By the end he from some learning about the tectonic do we often put it before other kinds from overflowing. Forming hypotheses relaxes watching telly when his work is gets to fly in a helicopter, personal au- plates, volcanoes and the composi- of knowledge? Some would argue it is and testing them, making scaled down done. 10 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Friday 5 December 2008 felix 11 Politics [email protected] Politics Politics Editors – James Goldsack & Katya-yani Vyas [email protected] Dubai faces criticism during hotel celebrations Mohsin Asharia

A tribute to This week saw the world’s most expen- UK welcomes Euro sive party, complete with the world’s tolerance Neil Dhir largest ever fireworks display, marking the launch of the world’s most lavish José Manuel Barroso the 12th presi- hotel, in the city with the world’s most dent of European Commission has “world’s mosts”. Katya-yani Vyas come to the conclusion that Britain is £20m for the opening of Atlantis The Politics Editor “closer than ever before” to joining the Palm, Dubai is a small figure in relation single currency, the Euro. to the £1bn cost of the hotel itself, but Speaking in an interview with a certainly enough to cause a stir. Kylie t some point during my of views on everything from politics French radio station Mr. Barroso said Minogue reportedly pocketed around tenure here on earth I to soft drink flavours have the ability that the “the people who matter” were £2m for her 45-minute performance, would like to converse to write to this fine student newspaper having second thoughts about Brit- and the fireworks display was over with a member of the and have our opinion published, em- ain’s long-held position as a bystander six times that of the Beijing Olympics BNP in depth, in an at- brace the opportunity dear reader, it of the single currency. Mr. Brown, the opening ceremony, and could be seen tempt to gain some kind of insight is a privilege indeed. If you feel some PM, at the helm of the Labour party from space. Ainto their psyche. The meeting would disillusionment with the content of the has made no secret of the fact that it The extraordinary celebration is just no doubt end in fierce argument but paper, write us a comment piece or an favours entering the single currency one example of Dubai’s extravagance. would nevertheless give me a better article that takes the opposite view, I but not unless five economic tests, set The city has, in recent years, become understanding as to how sometimes guarantee you will feel better. by the Treasury, have been met. synonymous with glamour, glitz and seemingly rational people can hold I can’t say I was not taken aback this As late at 2003 the Treasury ruled luxury. Burj Dubai, the world’s tall- views that are so alien from my own. week when the accusation was lev- that it was not in Britain’s interest to est building, lies a stone’s throw away Freedom of speech is something elled against the newspaper that it was join the single currency. Mr. Barrosso from The Dubai Mall, which opened that we take for granted much of the purely a medium to promote fascism, was further quoted as saying “I know in a credit crunch-defying manner a time, as clichéd as that sounds. We will in addition to which I was told that I that the majority in Britain are still op- fortnight ago. With four times as many champion that old adage, the one that simply must be a supporter of the con- posed, but there is a period of consid- shops as Westfield, I probably don’t vehemently states that we ‘may not servative party purely based on the eration under way and the people who need to add that it is the world’s largest believe what they have to say, but will highly convincing evidence that my ac- matter in Britain are currently thinking mall, and also houses the world’s larg- defend to the death their right to say it’. cent is ‘a bit posh’. Considering James’ about it.” est Gold Souk and an aquarium with In practice though, much of the time last column was entitled ‘In honour of The optimism of the Commission the largest viewing panel and largest it is difficult to accept differing views, communism’, I was slightly perturbed, has been fuelled by the comeback of school of sharks on the planet. I have seen many a political argument nevertheless, hopefully we will have a Lord Mandelson, previously the Eu- Combine all of this with perennial Dubai has recieved criticism from its people and from international organisations for the Atlantis hotel, the latest in a string of lavish projects escalate after those involved have self- comment piece from the particular fel- ropean Commissioner of Trade, who sunshine, white sandy beaches and tax- righteously proclaimed; ‘I respect your low who felt so strongly about the po- this Saturday, at a Labour conference, free salaries, and you may think you’ve opinion, but...’ Of course you don’t re- litical tone. spoke favourably of joining the Euro - discovered paradise on earth. You for release, was “captured”, whilst the peratures reach 50 Celsius. It always may cause their heritage to disappear. UAE. spect their opinion, you think that they I suppose the mark of a truly toler- contradicting Number 10’s official line wouldn’t be the first; there are already resort say it was “rescued”, close to Du- seems to be 49. Despite this, the mon- As one put it, “we are building tow- Emirates airline boss Sheikh Ahmed are complete buffoons…maybe I am ant society is one where we are able on the Euro “We have no intention of 100,000 British expatriates in Dubai. In bai’s coast. ey that they earn goes a long way back ers but losing the Emirates.” Others bin Saeed al-Maktoum calls the UAE generalising, of course I don’t think I to tolerate those who hold bigoted joining”. Barroso has claimed that Britain are considering joining the Euro fact, expats make up 80% of the city’s Much more voiced, however, are calls home, and many are forced to continue have criticised the yo-yoing between “halfway between East and West”. In am, and if you do, well, you are an idiot. opinions, those who are not open- Apart from sparking fury from the population, most of them South Asian. from Human Rights organisations to risking their lives on a daily basis to the state’s culture and its appeal as a more than one sense, it is because of I jest, I jest dear reader, but you get the minded as well. This is the society opposition party, the Conservatives However, despite its progress and opu- put a stop to poor conditions faced by prevent their wives and children back playground for the rich. Drinking al- this centrality, geographical and cul- point. that we persevere to attain, so I will said they will now table parliamentary Meanwhile sources close to Lord the UK. A recent poll by the Evening lence, even Dubai has adversaries from labourers. Many find it sickening that home from starvation. Change in the cohol on the streets is forbidden, but tural, spiritual and material, that Dubai As an editor of this section I have continue to listen to people telling me questions to establish what recent con- Mandelson claim no discussion had Standard found that 70% of the partici- all angles. The launch of Atlantis The millions can be spent on launching a near future seems unlikely. Migrant the guests at the Atlantis launch were is being targeted from all sides. come across a number of articles that I am wrong and debating for ar- tact Lord Mandelson has had with Mr been had with Mr. Barroso over Brit- pants were against Euro entry. Palm was threatened by environmen- hotel which was built by construction workers continue to flow into Dubai at treated to Veuve Clicquot champagne. Malcolm X famously said, “If you that I don’t fully agree with. Myself gument’s sake the content of an article. Barroso. William Hague, the Conserv- ain’s Euro future. Joining the Euro It is beyond this correspondent what talists’ calls to free “Sammy” the whale workers earning as little as $10 a day, a rate of 800 a day. In September, state-owned Dubai have no critics, you’ll likely have no and James publish them regardless, I If nothing else it makes my day more ative shadow foreign secretary, said: “It would require a referendum; a refer- exactly Mr. Barroso is trying to achieve shark, one of 65,000 marine creatures working up to 60 hour weeks in the Dubai may have become a victim of World bought a large stake in Las Ve- success.” Only time will tell, but the am not arrogant (or knowledgeable) interesting and hopefully tolerance will is extraordinary that certain politicians endum is herald over by the elector- other than promoting the opposition in the hotel’s aquarium. They claim the stifling heat in often dangerous condi- its own success. Local Emiratis are be- gas casino projects, despite gambling success of Dubai’s future may lie in the enough to believe that another’s views succeed in elbowing its way into such are whispering to the EU Commission ate. The people that “matter” are not party’s European policy, and thus the shark, which has since been confirmed tions. Workers are given respite if tem- ginning to feel the influx of foreigners being outlawed as immoral in the way it deals with its criticism. are invalid. We as students with var- conversations. For the sake of my san- about joining the Euro behind the Brit- the Labour politicians now in office it party itself, and further distancing the ied personalities and a diverse range ity I sincerely hope so. ish people’s backs.” is the other 60 million odd people of British population from the EU. Labour party’s hopes for re-election still alive Food shortages: a growing worldwide dilemma Raz Jabary cludes John McDonnell MP, a senior go to job centres across the country in detached Labour voters instead of to faces an ever-important event ahead candidate for the party’s leadership. order to get people back to work and the greater benefit of the UK’. On 25th in the next general election. Although Hassan Joudi of coffee between lectures – actually Colombia is not short of arable land 24/7 to let us refill our fuel tanks and night! We live our lives assuming food With the next UK general elections After the toppling of the Saddam cut rates of unemployment. In a re- November, the day after the report the greater majority of Britons would grew out of the ground at some point. and its biggest agricultural exports stomachs. And if you’re annoyed that will always be available, but for many scheduled for 2010, New Labour under Hussein regime it was New Labour that port to Labour party members on the was announced David Cameron even put their individual circumstances Do you get your 2000 kilocalories a Agriculture is that age-old human ac- are coffee, tobacco and cut flowers, the JCR closes at 6pm when you still people in the world most of their time PM Gordon Brown is fully operational initiated an attempt of reconciliation same day of the announcement, Mr called for a parliamentary debate on its first when it comes to voting, it has to day? This is the minimum energy in- tivity, but according to Mr Ahmed, it but the Latin American country must want a bite to eat, the Imperial College is spent ensuring they get their 2000 in order to secure a fourth ruling term. between the British and Iraqi peoples Darling wrote of ‘providing real help to contents. be recognized that tough challenges take of an adult from food according to is the unsustainable industrial agricul- import other food to feed its popula- Library Café is open throughout the kilocalories a day just to survive. Whereas until recent times there were with the creation of Labour Friends families and businesses at a time when With soaring political and economic ahead for Britain require a strong unity the UN body the Food and Agriculture ture practiced across the world that tion, of which 13% are undernourished existing doubts as to the party’s leader- of Iraq. In an interview with felix last they need it most’. He further claimed crises facing Britain in this first decade among the people in order to effective- Organization (FAO). Since you’re in is creating a food crisis. Some of the according to the FAO. India is another ship and whether New Labour needed month, Dave Anderson MP and Gary that the Conservatives, unlike Labour, of the new century, among which most ly tackle these issues that are facing our Britain, you probably do, but the an- mechanisms for this, such as soil ero- paradoxical case where, despite earn- a new face, current PM Gordon Brown Kent, chairman and director of Labour ‘would rather turn their backs to these prominent the wars in Afghanistan society today. swer to that question is no for 1 billion sion, were explained. The intensive ing $1.2bn from exporting milled rice is found to be more trusted by the Brit- Friends of Iraq respectively, outlined groups and say that we should do noth- and Iraq, terrorism, the banking sys- New Labour, determined to seek an- of the 6 billion people who inhabit this growing of crops today isn’t compatible in 2004, a fifth of India’s population is ish public than Conservative leader how they and other MPs had visited ing’. Tory critics on the contrary claim tem, the devalued pound, the demand other term in government, seems to be Earth. with the fact that it takes 500 years to undernourished. David Cameron when it comes to the prominent Iraqi politicians – among that Mr Darling’s report seems to be for more green, rates of unemployment ahead in providing the essential ruling As part of the Ahlulbayt Islamic replenish 1 inch of top soil, the result Overall Mr Ahmed made a com- economy, a recent poll from the Mc- which Iraq’s PM Nouri al-Maliki – in ‘more concerned with reaching out to and rates of crime, the British public and leadership experiences for this. Society’s campaign about the current is lower productivity year on year. Wa- pelling argument, but he failed to ad- Cann Erickson advertising agency has a bid to increase mutual understand- Economic Crisis, Mr Nafeez Mosad- ter scarcity is an under-acknowledged dress several common criticisms. For shown. ing and friendship between the two deq Ahmed, Executive Director of the issue; the NewScientist magazine re- example many advantages have been In a time when Britain’s economic countries. Institute for Policy Research & De- ported that an average hamburger gained from the industrialisation of ag- competitiveness abroad is being threat- The recent win in the Glenrothes by- velopment (IPRD) gave a talk regard- takes 11,000 litres of water to produce, riculture, like economies of scale and ened, and the Afghan and Iraqi peoples election for New Labour meant a sub- ing the current crisis in food supplies. and like topsoil, fresh water is currently improved yields, and what role would are in desire of a stable and prosperous stantial stimulus to the party. The seat, Mr Ahmed began by making the point being used faster than water tables are Genetically Modified food would play future for their countries, a potential which some months before was pre- that increases in food prices are caus- replenished. Pesticide Pollution and in a more sustainable agricultural sys- Conservative government with no dicted to fall to the Scottish National ing riots around the world. Although the effects of Global Warming were tem. Additionally the Peak Oil half of ruling experience for the past eleven Party (SNP), was given away to Labour not reported widely in the news, 37 also discussed. his talk was not as well developed, with years seems to be a conflicting idea. by residents who had just experienced countries have seen food riots, includ- Lastly Mr Ahmed argued that mono- a plethora of technical terms clouding The British people desired change, and Britain’s vulnerability to a major eco- ing Indonesia, Morocco and Mexico. culture – the growing of only one crop his argument. change came about at the New Labour nomic downturn and how national Here in Britain the consequences have over a large area - is completely un- Terms like a Hubbert curve, Olduvai leadership stage in June 2007. It seems unity ought to be a top-priority in such been less severe with households see- sustainable. Third world farmers face theory and the opinions of petroleum that most people in Britain would not difficult financial times. ing their weekly grocery bills increase pressure to grow only one “cash” crop geologist Colin Campbell, are ones have a tendency to affiliate Mr Brown The pre-budget report that was due to fluctuating prices over the past to sell to huge corporate agricultural best left for the hours spent browsing directly with the war in Iraq. Rather, outlined by Chancellor Alistair Dar- few weeks, which have hit low-income companies like Dupont and Cargill, Wikipedia. during a time when the unpopularity of ling in the House of Commons on families the hardest. who in turn sell it to supermarket Worrying about feeding ourselves is the Iraq war was at its highest, people 24th November means an important Since most Imperial students are not chains in developed countries. Instead something we don’t do anymore in a perceived the new face of the Labour contribution to business owners and farmers, it’s difficult for us to remem- of rotating crops or growing a vari- developed country like Britain. Our su- Party as a sign of hope for change, for it households. A 2.5% cut in VAT (to be ber that the food we eat – that Plough- ety of them, which would supply local permarkets are open 24/7 with a huge has to be noted that many Labour MPs Europe’s lowest) has to lead to a major man’s Cheese sandwich sitting in its markets, huge fields of cocoa or cotton choice of food, and the law requires were actually initially fiercely opposed boost in the UK economy of over £12 plastic container or the mandatory cup are sown and their produce exported. motorway service stations to be open Due to high exports, most farmers cannot even feed themselves to the Iraq invasion in 2003, which in- billion, of which over £1 billion will David Cameron in trouble as Gordon Brown and New Labour have a resurgence in the opinion polls 12 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Business Business Editor – Luke Dhanoa [email protected] The trouble with being thrifty Saving might be beneficial for the individual but society has to act to avoid a crash in demand

Daniel Naujoks average income decreases. While a concepts of the Prisoner’s Dilemma or as many people for as long as possible. economy. The recent VAT reduction greater proportion of people’s income the Tragedy of the Commons). This How do we best achieve this? Should seems favourable to simply lowering Faced with fears of losing their jobs, is being saved, this is effectively more describes a situation where optimising the government just give everyone income taxes, since it directly incen- many might decide it is time to start of less. Hence, despite a higher savings the outcome for a subsystem (an indi- money, for instance by cutting in- tivises consumption, making it less saving more for an increasingly un- rate, total savings may rise by less, re- vidual) does not optimise the outcome come taxes? Or is the money better likely to get stashed away in personal certain future. Even students, I guess, main constant, or even fall – a possibil- for the system as a whole (society). spent directly on public services and savings. It also has a broader effect, can be affected by worsening job pros- ity termed the “Paradox of Thrift” by How do we get around this problem infrastructure? Handing out money to giving everyone more spending power, pects. If it’s less likely you’ll find a job the influential British economist John and ensure demand – and ultimately households would have the beneficial including those who don’t pay income after graduation you might feel it safer Maynard Keynes. income – doesn’t crash? effect that they can spend it on what tax – such as pensioners and those on not to expand your student loan by Does this imply that thrift is actu- they want, and it would be quick to benefits (and students, incidentally, more than necessary (well fine, ‘neces- ally a bad thing? From the individual’s show effects. The problem with this *wink, wink*). Money spent directly by sary’ is a flexible concept). Such thrift point of view it’s perfectly sensible, “for society as a is that if people feel like saving more, the government should benefit more is not bad by itself, at all. It’s entirely but for society as a whole there is a they will also save a large part of the than just the immediate providers of rational. Yet unfortunately greater sav- cost to everyone spending less, namely whole there is a money given to them – which is great the services. Without going into much ing also has the side effect of reducing reduced income. It may be thrown in for them personally, but fails to ad- detail here, education, public trans- consumption – as income is equal to that, surely, this is not in anyone’s in- cost to everyone dress our systemic concern with main- port, healthcare, energy efficiency and saving plus spending. And a fall in con- terest and hence individuals should taining demand. The alternative, to infrastructure are just a few examples sumer spending will mean less revenue want to keep spending in order to sus- spending less” raise government expenditure directly, offering sustainable long-term benefits for companies. tain their salary. Yet it is worth consid- ensures that it really is spent and not to society. Not all of it needs to be new So what? Who cares if Marks & ering that while a person bears the full saved. Yet there are drawbacks, too, as expenditure either, but simply planned Spencer, BT and Currys make a little cost of his own spending, the benefit in big government projects are likely to future investment brought forward by (or a lot) less money? Obviously those terms of increased revenue and income As it is society that reaps the wider take some time to get going – a delay a few years. holding shares in such companies will is distributed amongst a huge number income benefits of avoiding a demand that could leave the economy vulner- The Bank of England is already do- care. But even for the rest of us, there of people (a phenomenon known as a crash, it should also be prepared to able to a short-term slump with per- ing its bit by lowering interest rates, are good reasons why it is far from ir- “positive externality” to economists). take on the costs – no smaller subsys- manent consequences. Furthermore, and the VAT rate but the situation relevant. A fall in revenue and demand Hence the positive effect of his spend- tem will. Arguably, any such collective central decisions are often assumed to also calls for expansive fiscal measures for companies’ products means that ing on his own income is minute, and action can only be taken by our repre- be more wasteful than those taken by (lower taxes, higher government ex- they are pushed to cut production and not a reason for abandoning thrift. sentation, the government. It will need participants of the market. penditure). Yes, this is a lot to ask from reduce expenses. This might be done A case like this, where the rational ac- to spend now and repay its debts once Evidently, both stimulus approach- a taxpayer who might feel that the cur- by closing some factories, shops and tion of the individual has negative con- the economy is more stable again. If es have their shortcomings. Hence a rent economic woes are the result of offices, or by reducing their payroll e.g. sequences for society as a whole, can the decision is taken to spend (future) mixture of the two is probably best: other people’s reckless behaviour. Yet by laying people off, employing fewer be conceptualised into the “Problem public money, we would certainly like some tax cuts for immediate effect and as I have tried to argue, it is the lesser temporary staff, and putting even in- of Suboptimisation” (equally, it could it to be done in a manner that maxim- public sector expenditure to ensure as of two evils, where the benefit of action flation-matching pay rises on ice. Thus be understood in terms of the related ises the effect on demand and benefits much as possible actually reaches the outweighs the cost of inaction.

The dollar value of a human life Luke Dhanoa none. So how can we work out the val- or writing fluently, nor will they be female. less. Business Editor ue of a human life? Well, the majority of guaranteed to be free from disease. So using the slave-gauge we can see Want to know why? It’s not because economists argue that we should look Higher quality human lives are more that not only is a basic human very you’ve got more skills than a slave. One of the fundamentals of economics at wages, evaluations by healthcare ex- costly and their prices depend on what cheap, but it has also decreased in val- It’s not because you can read, write is the idea that everything has a value. perts, potential earnings and the like, they are needed for. For example, a ue by about 99.679% over the last 150 or whatever. It’s not because you’re Everything from the air you breathe but frankly that’s too much effort and HIV-free, young, female slave (suit- years. Assuming that humans have de- healthy. It’s because unlike the peo- to the food you eat to the clothes you is too indirect. Instead you’re better off able for brothel work) can cost £669 creased by a constant rate, we can the ple who have been kidnapped, you’ve wear. The trees, the birds, the seas, the just looking at how much people actu- (or $1000). go on to work out the value retention got rights. The major value added to clouds, the houses, the ground, all of ally sell for on the open market. So immediately we can see that be- rate of human life to be about 0.9625 a human life comes from our ability it has a price. Even people. Especially ing female, young, attractive or disease a year, giving us a human life inflation for argue our case in courts of law and people. For economists, people are the There are about 27 million slaves in free makes you a more valuable human rate of 3.75%. Or in other words, the our societies recognition of the value most interesting things to value in the the world today, but because of the un- being, but even so £669 is actually quite value of human life halves every 18 of life. BP assesses human life so high whole wide world. derground nature of the slave trade, it’s cheap. If we look at trade transactions years. because that’s the average cost of an How much is your life worth? Take a a bit tricky to get a truly accurate figure from the last 150 years we can see that Depressing, isn’t it? But don’t worry out of court settlement per person. guess. Seriously, guess. What did you of how much a person sells for. That in 1860, a human male would sell for so much because according to the gov- The government assesses human life at go for? Thousands? Tens of thousands? said, lots of groups estimate that your something between $450 and $1000 ernment, your life is worth millions about £4m because that’s how much it Hundreds of thousands? Keep that fig- average slave costs about £60 (or $90), dollars. Today, that’s about £7,725 to £ of pounds. Yes, millions of pounds. is willing to spend to save your life if ure in your mind. with the cheapest slaves available in 17,170. So, one American slave in 1860 The US government puts the life of you’re in danger. Insurance companies Obliviously (as you’ve figured out) Mali, where you can get a young adult was worth the same amount as 461 an American at $6.9 million. Here in value your life based on how outraged the value of a person depends on the male labourer about £27 (or $40). equivalent slaves today, or 207 average the UK, the government is a bit more you would be with small settlements. person in question and what the value’s Now, it’s worth taking in to account modern slaves or 18.6 contemporary discreet with the figures, but it’s safe to We are valuable almost purely be- going to be used for. Clearly some- that at these prices, you’re not going to brothel slaves. assume that you’re worth at least £4m cause you were born in a western one who can read is worth more than be able to buy premium quality slavery. To put his into even further perspec- to her majesties civil service. To BP country that bestowed you with rights. someone who can’t, your average child Sure, a £27 slave can talk, feel, think, tive, a quick search on www.epupz. though, a human life is worth signifi- Without those rights, we loose the ma- is worth more than your average 90 hope, dream, love, fear and whatever, co.uk shows that a retriever (a breed of cantly more, with the average person jority of our value. As far as the market year old, and obviously someone with a but they’re probably incapable of do- dog) costs about £750 on average, 12% being worth about £13.3m. But to an is concerned, our lives are cheap, but skill is worth more than someone with ing anything really useful like reading more than a HIV-free, young, human, insurance company, you’re worth a lot our rights are expensive. 14 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Friday 5 December 2008 felix 15 [email protected] Arts Culture & Arts Editors – Caz Knight, David Paw and Emily Wilson Budding culture vulture? Write for us. The Arts [email protected] DramSoc’s Merry MTSoc ‘Don’t tell Mama’ Persons steal the Emily Wilson previews the Musical Theatre Society’s newest production ‘Don’t Tell Mama’

’m trapped in a room full of opening night dancing and prancing in the Huxley building, with the aim of reviews the opening night performance of presenting my faithful readers Jonathan Dakin with a cheeky sneaky preview DramSocs’s Robin Hood of the Musical Theatre Society’s immi- Inent production ‘Don’t Tell Mama’. I’m treated to a full run-through, but first his year’s Christmas pan- has questionable ulterior motives. short-statured caricature, and Shamini I am forced to sit through their warm- tomime from Imperial’s Robin Hood has some funny mo- Bundell, who plays Maid Marian, does up exercises, which are terrifying. It’s Drama Society is Robin ments, including a sexual encounter well to convince the audience that a a bit like watching a primary school Hood, but don’t expect between Little John and Sizeable Joan- spoilt selfish woman can change for PE lesson. I get somebody’s arse in my strong men running na and a fight between Kung Fu Fight- the better. The Ensemble are also good face a couple of times, but I try not to around saving the poor and fighting ers, a band of Pirates and a group of at being funny, although sometimes take it personally. My initial impres- Tthe bad guys: this is a rather different Monks. It is also interesting to see that not intentionally. It is a shame that the sions of MTSoc is that there’s more of story. it is actually Little John and Wilhelmi- cast mainly played their roles seriously, them than I expected, they seem to re- The play begins with a weak and they almost seemed to forget that this ally enjoy what they do, and they sing scatterbrained King John talking to is a Pantomime, and that their charac- unbelievably loudly. In this tiny little his Freudian psychiatrist about how ters should be over the top and played room it’s almost deafening – and yet bad things have been for him lately. It “They make a for laughs. It could be first night nerves during their actual performances they seems that everyone has been hit by a that got to them, but I would have liked use microphones. money crisis (mirroring contemporary good attempt to see a bit more energy and I am sure The first song is ‘Good morning Bal- times), including royalty. In turn, we that if they all relax and take it less seri- timore’ from Hairspray. It’s a catchy then meet all of the unusual characters: at a hard task, ously, then a lot more humour would song and difficult to fault. I did feel an alcoholic and arrogant Sheriff of come through. that at times the performers are fight- Nottingham, a stupid and ditzy Robin, and even when But saying that, it is not easy to do ing to out-sing each other, particularly a sexist and short tempered Friar Tuck, Panto, especially when much of it de- the more confident ones, so it often an angry and hot-headed Wil(helmina) heckled, they pends on audience participation, and reached ear-splitting levels. It’s hard Scarlet, and a spoilt and self-centred the fact that they are all amateur ac- to tell whether that will do better or Marian. It seems that everyone is out used it to their tors. They made a good attempt at a worse on stage. for themselves: the Sheriff forces Mar- hard task, and even when the audience The next song is a solo: ‘Taylor the ian to woe Robin in order to make him advantage” heckled them, the cast seemed unfazed Latte Boy’, sung by Katie Clemence. It’s steal from the rich for her, but instead and used it to their advantage. an amusing, witty little ditty. Clemence of giving the money to her evil Abbot The real highlight of the night was is very good, with a sweet voice suited uncle and the Sheriff, she plans to run na Scarlet who are running things, the audience, who were all very in- to the role perfectly, though she was away to Paris with her long-suffering not Robin Hood, who thinks that he is volved in the play, and enjoyed playing a little quiet. This is one of the songs maid Sizeable Joanna, taking all of the the one in control when everyone else along to the Panto elements e.g. ‘He’s I’ll look forward to revisiting on the goods. Although this is a very differ- knows he isn’t. behind you!’ If you went with a group night. At this point I had to ask “erm... ent take on an overused idea, lets not There are also some good perform- of your friends, looking to have a fun is this supposed to have a storyline?”. forget that this is a Pantomime, and ances from a few of the cast. Lak- and humorous time, then I would say The answer was no. It’s a cabaret thing. The company on stage during their recent performance of ‘Don’t Tell Mama’ so good should triumph over evil… or shmi Sreenivasan who plays Brudo, that as long as you, your mates and the Which is fair enough, but I hope they will it? It is hard to tell how it will end, a sword-wielding midget, gets most rest of the audience are willing to get make this a bit clearer in the perform- especially when every single character of the laughs, mainly because of her involved, you will have a good laugh. Prince John and a merry person, no euphemism intended ance or otherwise the audience will be in the audience want to run for the adore this finale. It’s full of passion and left bewildered. nearest emergency exit. I can hardly excitement, with fun and funky chore- ‘I Can Make You a Man’, of Rocky believe they have the guts to do this ography that would be beyond most of Horror fame, is more MTSoc’s usual sort of thing – it’s utterly astounding. us, coming together in a grand climax. I enjoyed it, though others might find But why ‘Fame’? It’s such a cliched and it a step too far. predictable finale! I felt bad for dislik- Matt Stringer has a subtle but pleas- ing it, and I wish they’d come up with “Having seen ant voice and does a respectable job of something equally impressive but a bit ‘If I Didn’t Believe in You’. It’s difficult more original. many of their for a show to swing from homoerotic Of course, I was watching a rehearsal. piss-taking to something more serious, What I saw was riddled with mistakes performances, so this song could end up underappre- and inappropriate giggles, out of cos- ciated. We’re back on to the sex again tume and away from the stage. A lot of this one ranks in ‘Toucha Toucha Touch Me’, another people with solos weren’t there. All in Rocky Horror. “There’s no use in heavy all, I certainly didn’t get the full effect. quite highly” petting, it only leads to trouble and But on the other hand it was fascinat- seat-wetting”. Hum. Laura McCaughey ing to watch MTSoc interact with each is very good but risks being smothered other, and to see all the hard work that camp comedy style. It’s a hysterical by a loud female chorus. If she can be goes on putting on these shows. I was in number, bound to be an early show- louder and less delicate this could end awe of some of the musical talent that stopper. ‘Don’t Tell Mama’, the show’s up being the best song in the show. comes out of a university of science title song, is another funny one. The ‘Sarah Brown Eyes’ is a beautifully and technology. In my opinion they all choreography is top class stuff, but romantic song. I don’t get to see the deserve a major pat on the back. the female company is sloppy. To their female part done by the real person, so Having seen many of their past per- credit, the directors knew this and told I can’t comment on that, but Phil Ray- formances, I also think this one ranks them so. If they can pull it together mond nailed the male part perfectly quite highly, so MTSoc should regard during the week it will be amazing. so I’ve got high hopes. For the record, it as a triumph. But should I recom- The duet ‘I am Adolpho’ is another Lucy Harrold was an excellent stand- mend it to you? Many of you, I’m sure, comic number, and is very amusing. in and did a thoroughly believable job are already set in your hatred of what is Barry Whiteside and Elizabeth Fritsch of it. We’re getting towards the end of regarded as a lower art form. It’s crass are both very talented, but have a quiet the production now, with everybody and immature, and entertains with its confidence that really makes it succeed. coming together for some finale ac- sexual innuendo, fluffy gayness and Whiteside, in particular, truly comes tion. There were some voices in ‘Be- cheery tunes. alive on the stage. ‘Snooky Ookums’ is ing Alive’ that I would have liked to MTSoc’s production conforms to all another duet, but is a charmingly funny have heard more of in their own songs. the usual musical theatre stereotypes, song that doesn’t need the hammed- Perhaps these hidden talents will be so if that’s something you despise up slapstick prevalent in the rest of the revealed in the next production? The then don’t expect to have your mind show... Like ‘Afternoon Delight’. Yes, whole company comes together nicely changed. However, ‘Don’t Tell Mama’ is the song about afternoon love-making with some beautiful harmonies, bar the a perky little production that makes for from Anchorman. MTSoc’s rendition occasional high note making me wince. an uplifting night out, so is a must for of this ticks all the raunchy gay cliché The final song is ‘Fame’. Now, in their pre-existing musical fans or anybody boxes. It will make every straight man favour, the whole lot of them clearly in need of some light entertainment. The cast at one of the photo shoots for the performance Come and see the show tonight or tomorrow night in the Union Concert Hall 16 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Friday 5 December 2008 felix 17 Film [email protected] Film Film Editors – Zuzanna Blaszczak and Jonathan Dakin [email protected] Films we love at Imperial Coming Out Soon Imperial College students, lecturers and staff share their Revolutionary Road sees Dicaprio and There’s nothing Jolie in Changeling treasured movies with felix. This week: Back to the Future Winslet reunited, but don’t be fooled Clint Eastwood impresses as a director yet again with this mystery melodrama that chills to the core Catherine Luckin Jonathan Dakin end job and continue having an affair Student Film Editor with his mistress. Although a gloomy conclusion to the drama, Clint Eastwood premise, the film centres on the cou- Changeling HHHHK doesn’t offer any comfort; gloomy scenes How can you beat Michael J. Fox skate- Directed by Academy Award Winning ple’s relationship falling apart and I am of a death sentence being carried out im- boarding through town holding on Sam Mendez (American Beauty), and sure that both DiCaprio and Winslet Director: Clint Eastwood mediately follow scenes of a battle won to the back of a truck, to the sound starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate will provide stunning performances Writer: J. Michael Straczynski in the courtroom. The movie is filmed of Huey Louis singing Power of Love, Winslet, Revolutionary Road looks set and will make the film commanding Cast: Angelina Jolie, not in black and white, but in extremely John Malkovich, as the opening sequence to a movie? to be a show-stopping powerhouse of from beginning to end. Jeffrey Donovan bleak, washed out shades of green and Quite frankly you can’t, and hence my superb directing and acting. This is the first time Winslet and grey, interspersed with contrasting yel- favourite film has to be Back to the Based on a novel of the same name, DiCaprio have worked together since lowish and brownish shots of the Ameri- Future. Revolutionary Road is about a mar- Titanic, but the plot could not be more can outback where the grisly crimes take A mad scientist, a time machine and ried couple, Frank and April Wheeler different (thank goodness). With Win- Zuzanna Blaszczak place. Overall, however, the cinematogra- the one and only MJ Fox are woven to- (Diaprio and Winslet) living in 1950’s slet’s husband, Mendez, behind the Film Editor phy is boring and forgettable, used only as gether by the likes of Robert Zemeckis America who want a better life for camera, I hope that this film provides a medium to seamlessly tell a story. and Steven Spielberg into a master- themselves. April is an aspiring actress us with something like award winning If you want to spend two hours stress- The director clearly put the script piece of cinematic history. who dreams of moving to Paris, and American Beauty than flop Road To ing yourself out watching the lowest above all else; the dramatic events that I’m sure we all know the story, but alcoholic Frank wants to quit his dead Perdition. of the low scumbags presented to you unfolded are shown without redundant for anyone deprived during their early in typical Hollywood fashion with no flair, which is a very good idea that un- years, here’s a very brief overview, al- shades of grey, this movie is for you. If fortunately backfires slightly. The musi- beit one which simply cannot reveal Why can’t our lecturers be a bit more like Doc? Or maybe they are? you want a story with no clear resolu- cal score doesn’t overpower the scenes the brilliant intricacies of the plot. We tion and one that leaves you despising but it doesn’t enhance them either. The begin with the entrance of the fabu- humankind that bit more, Clint East- restraint of the main character in openly lously good-looking Marty McFly (so oh well. It has something to do with a Clearly, this needs to be corrected, and wood has fulfilled your wishes. Fi- showing strong emotions, adds to the un- handsome, in fact, that he later lent his flux capacitor. although he only manages to do it just nally, if you want to see what is most deniably depressing mood of the film but name to a boy band who certainly did Unfortunately, to create said time ma- before he is due to travel back to 1985, likely an Oscar winning performance, also makes it that much harder to care not live up to its legendary status). Fol- chine, Doc has stolen Plutonium from it’s nice to see he still has enough time Angelina Jolie doesn’t disappoint. But about the movie after the credits roll. lowing a phone call from his mad sci- some terrorists, who turn out to be for a Johnny B. Goode guitar solo. if you want a movie that is honest Eastwood took a chance by giving us a entist friend, Doctor Emmett Brown quite unhappy about it and shoot him, OK, there might be a few holes in the and unpretentious, one that will stay story in this cool and slightly aloof man- (Doc, to his mates), Marty realises he leaving Marty to escape in the DeLo- storyline and the continuous mention with you after you’ve left the dark- ner – it partly works, partly doesn’t, but it is late for school, at which point the rean. However, in the process, he ac- of flux capacitors and the space-time ened cinema room, don’t put all your wasn’t a mistake. What I can’t accept on aforementioned skateboard scene pro- cidentally travels back to 1955 and has continuum may grate slightly, but who hopes into Changeling. You’ll feel like the other hand is the one dimensionality ceeds. Where to go from here? Fear no plutonium with him for the return cares? Doc has a DeLorean that can shit coming out of the movie theatre, of the police characters; even Christine not: Zemeckis has answers. journey. Only the energy of a lighten- take you back in time: does anything even the gloom of London’s autumn is Those are not tears of joy as Jolie realizes the kid found by the police juvenile departement isn’t her son. Collins is to some extent flat. The bad Marty later meets Doc in a car park, ing bolt can power the flux capacitor else matter? enough to dispel the only slightly lin- guys are clearly bad and the good are nau- where he reveals a beautifully sci-fi enough to send Marty ‘back to the fu- With classic quotes including, “Are gering feeling of unsettlement. seatingly good. I also wasn’t impressed looking car: a DeLorean. He then in- ture’, but of course he has to consult you telling me my mum has the hots Telling a true story of one woman wag- out the LAPD has made a mistake, the reverend (John Malkovich’s forgettable To say the least, the movie is very dis- by the fact that everything in the film is forms Marty he has transformed it into the Doc of 1955 and consequently risk for me?” and “My God Doc, you vapor- ing a war against the corrupt and brutal boy is not Walter. But one of the most role), whose goal in life is to uncover the turbing and the subdued way in which the given to us. We get it all nicely served on a a time machine. After sending his dog, breaking the space-time continuum, ised Einstein!” brilliantly thought out Los Angeles Police Department in 1928 corrupt police forces ever, one whom bad constant breaching of the law by the po- story is presented makes the punch even silver plate. The distinction between the Einstein, one minute into the future, which he foolishly does on a number inventions of the future and a classic in order to find her missing son, Change- press is the last thing they need, cannot lice, Mrs. Collins makes her fight more harder. Angelina Jolie’s performance is good and bad, the moral and unethical, Doc offers a brilliantly scientific expla- of occasions (will he never learn?). soundtrack, Back To the Future has ling is definitely not light entertainment. own up to making a mistake. They ignore public. And she suffers the consequenc- particularly effective because the actress is too sharp and too pronounced to get nation for this feat. I should probably For example, he meets his mother and surely become a timeless classic. If you On 10 March 1928 Walter Collins, the Christine’s allegations, bribing doctors es. Interweaved between the story of doesn’t fall into the trap of expressively you thinking. The most irritating thing consult one of the many Imperial phys- stops her falling in love with his father, haven’t seen it, watch it; if you have, son of Christine Collins (Jolie), disap- and specialists to proclaim that it is pos- the morally putrid LAPD and Christine showing every single emotion. When about Changeling though is how mark- icists before I ascribe its brilliance, but leaving his entire existence in jeopardy. watch it over and over again. This time Kate and Leo exchange selfless love for an unhappy marriage peared from his home. After a 5-month sible for a growing boy to suddenly lose 3 Collins’ unwavering fight to find Walter Christine is left with nothing but despair, edly it was created ‘for your consideration search the police announced that the boy inches under stress and that the fact that is the mortifying tale of a young psycho- Jolie skilfully demonstrates despair rath- only’; it’s a film that knows it’s meant for had been found and subsequently reu- the new found boy is circumcised doesn’t path and the 20 or so kids he slaughtered er than the, easier to act but more annoy- the American Academy and the upcom- nited mother and son. However, it turns prove anything. Prompted by the local with an axe. ing, hysteria. Despite a morally satisfying ing Oscars. Try before you die: Secret Cinema Competition Mico Tatalovic ast time the competition Simply answer the simple question New, innovative and moving, simply a must see! Look behind you...Is anyone there? didn’t go as well as planned below and send your answer to film. Ok... Please read on. and now I find myself still [email protected]. border villages. Israel responded with ously the theme of memory is very The aim of Secret Cinema is to sur- stuck with three DVD cop- Waltz with Bashir HHHHH a bloody bombing of the PLO head- prominent in the film and at the start prise the audience. Before the actual ies of Asylum. So let us try The Noble has it’s less seri- quarters in Beirut and the fighting con- we are rather explicitly told that mem- day of the screening, the audience again, and remember, all you need to ous equivalent called the Ig No- Director: Ari Folman tinued until July 1981 when a ceasefire ories should not be believed, the brain doesn’t know where the screening will do is send the answer in an email, we’ll ble, what is the Oscar’s flippant Writer: Ari Folman L was agreed upon. But the seemingly easily deceives our recollection of the take place, what film will be shown, do all the work, track you down and counterpart? Cast: Ari Folman, hand you the prize. This week you can Ron Ben-Yishai, calm year was in reality filled with past. This unsubtle reminder that what and what sort of side programme (with Ronny Dayag strenuous tension. Ronald Reagan at we’re watching and hearing isn’t neces- special guests) awaits them. win Pineapple Express. Winners will be announced in next the time received a report in which his sarily true is reinforced a hundred fold An e-mail message on the day of the A new side-splitting comedy pro- week’s edition! Secretary of State informed him that by the fact that Waltz with Bashir is screening reveals the assembly point, duced by Judd Appatow (40 Year Old Israel was ready to start a full-blown animated! and this is where you come and meet Virgin, Knocked Up), Pineapple Express Zuzanna Blaszczak war against Lebanon at the slightest That’s right, animated. And what a all the other secret moviegoers. The harnesses the riotous comic talents of Film Editor provocation. The provocation inevita- painstakingly beautiful animation it is. organisers then take you to the place Seth Rogen (Zack and Miri Make a bly came and Israel attacked the civil The mise-en-scene is minimalistic; the where the screening will happen. I say Porno, Knocked Up) and James Franco This incredibly original film is an au- war ridden Lebanon in 1982. The re- artist draws in only those bits that are ‘place’ because this could be practically (Spider-man Trilogy, Milk). tobiographical account of the direc- sulting war is now mainly remembered vital to our understanding of a shot, anywhere: out on a farm or in a garden, Also starring Rosie Perez (Do The tor’s attempt to recover his memories for the massacre performed by the but nothing else. Close-ups and yel- on a rooftop of some downtown build- Right Thing) and Gary Cole (The Brady of the Israel-Lebanon war in 1982. As Christian Phalangists in the Palestin- low colours dominate, with the char- ing, at a hotel parking lot, in a garage My GOD, that is one sexy man. I mean WOW. Bunch Movie), Pineapple Express fol- we learn at the beginning, Ari Folman ian districts of Beirut. It is this massa- acters drawn in hard clear lines while or in a tunnel. lows a pair of druggie losers as they suppressed the memories from his sol- cre that our protagonist knows he wit- the background is slightly washed out. The whole concept of the secrecy reach the top of the hit-list when one dier days for 20 years until a meeting nessed but can’t remember what part This visual style creates a dreamlike is aimed at bringing back the mystery cinema experiences. know, but it is exciting: the closest to witnesses a mob murder and drags his with an old friend jogs his subcon- he played in it. The movie is filmed as a feel to the movie, which borders on be- to the cinema experience; it is aimed Another interesting concept of mak- secret cinema I ever got was sitting in buddy into a crazy flight from mob- scious. The friend’s retelling of a recur- documentary; Ari visits and interviews ing poetic. at adventurous cinéphiles who de- ing the cinema experience a bit differ- an open air ‘summer’ cinema on an is- sters bent on silencing both of them ring dream about the 26 dogs he killed both the friends that he believes served The animation is what makes the spise going to the same old monotone ent is the ‘Bad Film Club’ organised land in Croatia wondering whether the permanently. during the war prompts Ari to suffer with him as well as soldiers from other film stand out and what allows the multiplexes to see the same old Hol- in an art-house cinema, Chapters in rain was going to spoil the ending of Lazy stoner Dale Denton and his his first flashback and starts him on his regiments and people involved in the movie to deliver such a powerful Visually breathtaking, Waltz with Bashir will leave you stunned. lywood trash. Tired of such cosmetic Cardiff. Here you find two knowledge- the film for me! dealer Saul Silver end up having the quest to remembrance. war who can shed some light about the punch, because it forces the story to be ‘know-what-to-expect’ experiences, able people commenting on the film For those of you who want to know adventure of a lifetime after witnessing The Israeli-Lebanese conflict start- events that led to the massacre. told without any acting. All the scenes the Secret Cinema team decided cin- as it is being screened. Those of you more and like being let in on a secret a murder by a crooked cop. When they ed in 1981 when violence erupted in Although the interviews at first seem are simply visualisations of the stories war. What we’re seeing doesn’t directly historical footage and we can no longer ema deserves to be more exciting. who watch your DVDs with the com- check out the following internet sites realise that their rare strain of weed South Lebanon and North Israel. South a bit random, they imitate the way in told in a plain, monotonic, almost un- correspond to what we’re hearing and delude ourselves that the war, the fight- Secret cinema started in London in mentary option ‘on’ might not find (secret or not, the internet has it all): called Pineapple Express, left behind at Lebanon at the time was a state within which the protagonist’s memories emotional way, by the interviewees. the feeling that this is unreal, all made- ing and the massacre never happened. December 2007 and takes place once this as much of a novelty though. Are “http://www.secretcinema.org/” and the scene, is so rare that it can be traced a state with a population of 300,000 came back (i.e. in fits and starts, in dis- The result is a brutal clash between up, persists. And then bam! The movie That’s when the screen goes dark, the a month. Given its popularity despite these two concepts perhaps the birth “http://www.chapter.org/13283.html”. back to them, they really do have to run Palestinians and a very active Palestine connected snippets of images) and a stunning and emotion-inducing im- reaches its end and suddenly the ani- audience continues to sit speechless their somewhat expensive tickets (up of a new wave of trying to attract audi- By the way, if anyone asks, I didn’t say for their lives. Liberation Organization (PLO), which clear picture of the war steadily builds ages, a very expressive soundtrack and mated scenes of wailing women and and you realize this is the best movie to £18), perhaps audiences really are ences back to cinema in today’s world anything. made numerous, attacks on Israeli itself as the movie continues. Obvi- the cold narration of the atrocities of abandoned corpses are replaced by to come out in a long time. getting tired of boring and predictable of YouTube and Internet TV? I don’t P.S. Remember, tell no -one.

- 21 Music felix NGS::LISTINGS::LIS :LISTINGS::LISTINGS::LISTINGS::LISTINGS::LISTINGS::LISTINGS::LISTIN So once it is asall over, some people - mu of aggressivestyle and loud a such sic as hardcore into something almost - musi and catchy certainly mainstream, Beatles the like of Kind ambitious. cally did to rock then? Fucked Up-mania is already hitting the world. As Pink Eyes points out himself in his hilarious in- between-song banter, he was recently voted “Number 11 Coolest Person In response his And NME. by World” The this:to “Why not Number One??”. start to leave, slightly their deafened brains and unable to they process have just witnessed, what I step up and hand to everyone’s shaking Eyes, Pink thanking them for coming. He finishes telling the midget how much he preciated his - ap presence, before turning ridiculoushow him tell I me. to round ly fucking awesome he - tell and me, hugs and grabs just his he and are, band ing me to come back anytime. And it was there, between those huge sweaty manboobs, that I understood the true “hardcore”. meaning word of the “The front rows turned into a giant mosh pit; people were diving over each other and punching the air as if fighting off an invisible rapist” ------:: Vortex :: :: Vortex :: The :: Hammersmith :: The O2 :: R&B :: 93 Feet East :: East :: :: 93 Feet :: Ministry of Sound :: :: The O2 :: Electronica Fucked Fucked Up play through most of the So reach Up the end when of Fucked Underworld :: Hardcore Alternative/Indie Artist Female Rock Jazz Trance Electronica :: Metal Indie Apollo :: Rock Indie Indie Electronica Thursday Acoustic Ladyland Tina Dico :: Union Chapel :: Tina Rats :: Indie :: Water Land Of Talk Marco V Whomadewho :: Cargo :: :: ICA :: Pop Frank Sylosis :: Barfly :: Emo :: Dublin Castle Delirium Tremens :: Brixton Academy :: The Kooks Sugababes :: The O2 :: Pop Craig David The Wildhearts East :: iLiKETRAiNS :: 93 Feet Jeniferever :: Brixton Academy :: The Kooks M83 :: Scala :: Nightmares on Wax Municipal Waste microphone microphone lead. Oh but it gets bet ter. After tearing his shirt off song,repeatedlythe moonsfirst he the during audience with his humongous, beastly badonkadunk of an posteriorPink Eyes’ is greeted by mas ass. Of course sive cheers and claps from the crowd all! not that’s But night. the throughout himself smacks he song, third the After in the forehead with his microphone, and though he starts to bleed from the cut, he still spits his lyricsGenghis like crystalon Khan the Throughout meth. next hour and a half, this tard hairy repeatedly jumps bas down from the knocking crowd, pastthe pushes stage, people over in the moshpit, as well as biggestguys the canup he findpicking shoulders his round them spinning and before throwing them back onto their friends. It is pure insanity, but every one is LOVING it. He doesn’t miss a lyric either, as he always of keeps the microphone and hold gets people to sing along with him. The crowd aren’t so much watching Fucked Up playing a gig, as taking part in a giant rock n’ orgy. roll tracks off their new album, including the incredibly powerful ‘Black Albino Bones’ and ‘Twice Born’, as some of their well hardcore classics. as‘Bait ing the Public’ sees the moshers from the front climbing on stage and slam- dancing wildly before diving back into even a midgetthe crowd. sing- There’s everying along to word. their set, they are showered in praise any If so. rightfully and adoration, and one deserves the media attention and interest of music lovers right now, everywhere it really is Fucked Up. stupid As and ridiculous their name) might sound, no one plays as they (and love genuine and passion much as with for their music and their fans as they do. And if that wasn’t enough, they’re changing the face of music by making Wednesday - :: Union Chapel :: Union Chapel :: :: Brixton :: Hammersmith :: The Metro Club :: :: Union Chapel :: :: Underworld :: :: Shepherds Bush :: Ministry of Sound :: Electronica Electronica Rock Indie Academy :: Folk Indie Pop :: Indie Hardcore Club :: Dub Rock Centre :: Rap Empire :: Folk Indie Electronica Apollo :: Indie Shepherds Bush Empire :: Indie Apollo :: Rock Duffy :: Brixton Academy :: Indie :: LEVY :: The Slaughtered Lamb Findlay Brown Tigerstyle Mundy :: Boogaloo :: Folk Polarkreis 18 Polarkreis Dreadzone :: Notting Hill Arts Duffy :: Brixton Academy :: Indie Everybody Else :: John Labatt :: John Labatt Sage Francis The Locust :: Astoria :: Grind Billy Bragg :: Indie Foals :: Fabric Isobel Campbell Ben Kweller Squarepusher :: Astoria :: The Zutons :: Hammersmith Melvins :: Scala :: Grunge :: Woman Joan as Police The Redwalls Carpathian musicians and definitely entertaining, it really is all down big, to one say I should hairy grizzly bear. one man. Or mas a is He Eyes. Pink is bear that And sive ball of fury and an absolute living legend. There is no voice comparable to his in all of rock, and no one such with a tendency for self-destruction. He throws himself around the stage, shoves the microphone into audience members’ faces so they out the can lyrics (which they scream all know of course), and strangles himself with the Tuesday :: The Half :: Matter :: :: Fabric :: :: Fabric :: The Half Moon :: :: The Underworld :: :: Underworld :: Punk The The crowd’s immediate reaction is Indie Break Beat Indie Rock Sound :: House Electronica :: Folk :: Punk Emo Moon :: Indie Underworld :: Ska Indie Rockabilly :: Goth Metal Luminaire Punk IAMX :: Astoria :: Electronica Deadline Stanton Warriors :: Minimalist Minilogue :: Fabric :: The Virgins :: Alexandra Palace :: Ministry of Velden Martijn Ten Artist Sohodolls :: SiN :: Female :: House :: Koko Peyton Jamie Jones :: Queen Elizabeth Hall John Tams :: John Labatt Centre Rise Against :: John Labatt Centre :: Thursday :: John Labatt Badly Drawn Boy Glow Skulls :: Voodoo Jesse Malin Underworld :: :: The Peacocks :: The And Also the Trees :: House :: Fabric Peyton The Rabble Jesus, what can I say about this photo. Absolutely fucking grotesque. Jesus, what can I say about this photo. ing over each other, punching the air asfightingif off invisiblean rapist, and running from one side of the room to the other in hysteric fits of It laughter. might sound a little strange, but energy and the raw power exuded by this cra- go anyone make to enough is band zy wackjobs. and join other in with the certainly down to Fucked Up’s - abra sive and anthemic songs, but live this band are all about stage presence. And though all the members are awesome Sunday Monday - - - :: :: Scala :: The Chemistry Of :: Toynbee :: Toynbee :: The Albany :: :: Roundhouse :: :: Koko :: Indie :: Koko :: The Peel :: :: The Peel Alexandra Palace :: Indie Alexandra Palace Drum And Bass Arena :: Rock Indie Drum And Bass Ska :: Indie Lexington Roundhouse :: Dub Hardcore Industrial Electronica Metal Progressive :: Rap Studios :: IDM Rave The Pigeon Detectives Citizen Cope :: Wembley Counting Crows :: Wembley Arena :: Ben Folds :: Wembley Justice :: Egg :: Electronica :: Brixton Academy :: Pendulum The Skatalites Maas :: Egg :: Electronica Timo White Rose Movement :: The Wintersleep Freddy’sFat Drop :: Cancer Bats Scorn :: Corsica Studios :: :: House Switch :: Fabric the Dog :: Egg :: Rex Virus :: Underworld :: :: The Westbury The Nextmen Leafcutter John :: Vortex :: New :: Vortex Fashion Trash Artificial Intelligence ...From previous...From page So you can imagine my anticipation Friday Saturday Friday 5 Friday December 2008 [email protected] chaotic chaotic and ridiculously violent. After ‘Hidden record first their of release the World’ in 2006, Fucked Up crept out of the hardcore punk underworld and rose to the surface to start gathering fans all over the world. After their first European tour in 2007, they famously played a concert in the room men’s of MTV washLive, - during which fans pillaged and spray-painted the entire Finally, out.kicked getting before place released Up Fucked 2008, 7 October on their second album Common , Life this time receiving rave reviews from all over the music world, even featuring on the front NME. cover This is of down to the incorpora- tion of more rock and, dare I say it, in- die melodies and vocals into their - mu sic. But at their heart, they still remain as hardcore as can be in this day and age without sounding like a nostalgia trip. as I await the arrival of Fucked Up on the Barfly’s stage. The excitement palpable, is as everyone in the sold-out hasvenue most been definitely playing for preparation in endlessly LP new the tonight. But instead of some big theat rical entrance, the band step on stage smiling, beer in hand and proceed to set up their own instruments, their own doing soundcheck. No roadies for these rockstars, evidently. Still, every one seems to be holding their breath until the first note is played. six-piece Now consisting a of three (just for that guitars extra wall of distortion), they joke about with the audience un- til suddenly the lights dim. They then proceed to blow everyone’s brains out with the opening riff record. new to their off ‘Son track first The the - Fa ther’, his out lets , Eyes Pink singer as soon As unmistakable gut-wrenching growl, all the of rows front breaksloose.The hell packed venue quickly turn into a giant mosh pit, complete with people div - Pink Floyd’s Friday 5 Friday December 2008 Continued on following page...Continued on following [email protected] Still Still though, everyone has come prog-rock, they are a rarity in today’s musical world. For years they refused to release a full CD, opting instead for the 7” vinyl format. Shunned by ma- jor labels because of their true ethics, punk they received glowing reviews in punk fanzines for every one of the 30 two-track records over the they years. The art released work and lyr ics, full of symbols and imagery, have always proudly displayed the anarchist beliefs, band’s and their live shows quickly gained a reputation for being speed and precision, great stageget presence. Rolo Tomassi not forgetting the first moshpits of the night going, as fans of the band pile on top of each other and kick people in the face. The older members of the audience stand back and let the kids have their fun, as it all gets a little too loud, spastic and nobodyleftun- isStill, crazy. plain just touched by the spectacle and all in all go Rolo down Tomassi extremely well. I evenHell, bought album. their here for one very simple reason, and that is to witness the miracle that the New Times refers York to as the “Band With an Unprintable Name”. They’re called Fucked Up, and that’s just what they are. Formed in Toronto in 2001, the members are only known by their ridiculously strange aliases, for - exam bassistor guitaristMarbles’ ple ‘10,000 ‘Slumpy’ (a girl, if guessed).you hadn’t They are masters at spreading around misinformation about the band online and in interviews. Influenced by first and second-wave hardcore bands like Minor Threat but also - Crystal Castles-style synth ‘screamo’ ‘screamo’ bands. A more accurate de- scription of their music is ‘spazzcore’. They play very fast screaming math-metal, and all kicking, by insane topped off spewing all over the place, like vomit from a kitten’s mouth. The fact vocals that are provided both keyboard-play self-mutilating phrenic by schizo- er James Spence AND his lovely sister Eva, who hops around stage like a the 12 makes crack, on girl school old year whole ordeal even more charming. To be honest, I didn’t think such a pretty girl could make noises like that outside that noiseslike make could girl of Coffee Break Ravi’s bed. But some- where between the metal, spurious fragments of soul-destroying jazz and psychedelic noise segments, there are some insightful moments of calm and aston- is really It songs. their in melody already band young a such see to ishing masters of their trade, playing with “Though he was bleeding from the cut in his forehead, he still spit his lyrics as if he was Genghis Khan on crystal meth” - - Gregory Power System System of a Down Aretha Aretha Franklin gimmick, and Rewind a couple of hours, and it is a Thank God - or Satan, in this case Mmm...I want to run my hands through this beautiful man’s strong, lustrous back hair. strong, Mmm...I want to run my hands through this beautiful man’s nessed something extraordinary. in altogether scene different completely Barfly. night The is an ‘XFM Camden’s X-posure Live’ event, hosted by ora- cle of the hotly-tipped, John Kennedy. On the bill, three very different bands, though all on the heavier end musical of spectrum. the It all kicks off with , Invasion a consisting bass-less of two girls and London one geek. They play trio a solid interest their through ploughing ance, opening perform- ing hybrid of stoner-rock and thrash metal, laced with soul vocals.- Unfortu nately for these hard-rocking amigos, to here come hasn’t growingcrowd the listen to a half-hour meets just claps politely as Invasion leave the stage. - for Rolo then. Tomassi Hailing from the unholy land that is Sheffield, they set their local scene ablaze three years ago and have launch they As since. beencountry the down touring up and into their first furious piece of ness, mad- it becomes clear Rolo are a Tomassi league above the other so-called It wasIt a night of blood, sweat and even a few tears. After an hour and a half of lead Eyes, Pink out, lungs his screaming singer of the Canadian hardcore mob known as ‘Fucked descends Up’, from and each hug proceedsto and stage the room. the in standing still everyperson It is a surreal moment, where the 150 assembled strangers the anonymous in venue all know that they have just wit Camden Barfly gets up Fuck the Fucked - Music Editor Peter Sinclair Peter THE MAN Axl Rose vs. On a separate note, big fat props jovial Kool Aid Man-esque corporate icon opposite a fuming Axl Rose. But I expense, Rose’s at laugh a of bit a after a it find but help can’t I - guilty bit a feel bit of a sad and desperate display from a man long past the peak of his career, though still clinging onto his impen- etrable rock-star ego. “How dare they certain am (I thinks he Rose”, Axl mock that Axl Rose thinks of himself in the third person), “Dr. Pepper will live - Pep to Dr. of love my Despite this.” regret actions Axl’s of disapproval my and per towards what is my second favourite soft drink, I feel a bit of sympathy for Rose,people alsoand the to knewwho him before he attained the disgraceful heights of fame which destroyed sense of reality so totally in his heyday, his I’m what forever lost have theybecause sure was a perfectly reasonable person into the vacuous netherworld of un- superstardom. touchable go to the boys for the fabulous at new listings page MusicMetric.com this week. Hopefully it will everone sono spendhasthing their to be a weekly hard-earned dollars on a shitty of copy TimeOut. Their actual website, kind a of customisable and music searchings type of listings thing, is going to be fully operational in a few weeks so this watch space. In the mean time, they’ve got a competition couple of iPods in to exchange for about win a two seconds of market research, so it’s it, on with worthThat’s a look anyway. section! music the Hope it. you like Alex Hogan of Ladyhawke Hogan of Ladyhawke Alex esting; play any of these in a club and you’ll most likely find ing people the dance floor. vacat Still curious? The ‘Chateau Marmont Remix’ media my open me made that one only was the player out of curiosity, but even fizzles this away over its running time. For Ladyhawke completists only. diehard Music James Houghton & Yu Susan Sinclair, – Peter Music Editors ------Jorge Costa h Axl Rose, why don’t you just leave Dr. - Pep per alone, yeah? I know they promised to give everyone in America felix

Ladyhawke My Delirium (Remixes) Modular Recordings HHIII Compilation Review

20 This This is of course the news that Axl - ab the it, about think first you When Rose’s Rose’s lawyers are threatening to sue Dr. Pepper over their perceived reluc freeDr. a of offer their honour to tance Pepper for everyone in America (ex cept estranged Guns N’ Roses mem- bers Slash and Buckethead) after the release of the long awaited Roses Guns album ‘Chinese N’ Democracy’ on the 23rd of November. I don’t think I standard the on comment to needeven John great the than other album, the of Cage who famously once said “There is no noise, hadn’t experienced this only oral massacre. sound” obviously But that was to be expected. My main source of despair at this whole fiasco is Rose’s utterly humourless reaction PR funny a quite originallywas what to stunt. I feel therefore it that is my duty as a big-shot musical add pundit my to voice to the ever increasing rumble of bewilderment. taking icon hair-metal 80s an of surdity court to brand drinks soft loved much a to easy is It it. to twang humorous a has imagine the courtroom testimony of a a Dr. Pepper if you finished your bum before al- the end of 2008, but why couldn’t you just laugh it off as a joke and bizarre probably your about go and perverse to have you do Why daily life. take everything so seriously? thing thing to an already track. merely passable The original (a.k.a. has Pip Brown) Ladyhawke singing about sexual her frustrations through some ter ribly indistinctive vocals. It’s not par ticularly catchy, so much so that even since hour an half been only it’s though I last heard it, I’m member any hooks struggling or melody. She to is, - re however, a competent instrumentalist which hasgood a track the energy, and bizarrely is something that each of the promptly presentedhere remixes eight siphon away. The result is 40 minutes of grindingly generic house beats that scuppercompletely the opportunity of making this track in the least bit inter Move Move on! Nothing to see here as none of the remixes in this compilation of Ladyhawke’s ‘My Delirium’ add any

Ladyhawke gets Remixed O 22 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Nightlife Nightlife Editor – Catherine Jones (CJ) [email protected] You cannot escape New Year’s Eve Don’t just sit around. Force yourself (or someone else) to organise New Year’s Eve plans before you end up alone... again

Mince pies down! 2ManyDjs will be wrecking up Matter and they are so good that light literally shines out of their arses

Catherine Jones Nightlife Editor

ut the mince pie down (care- motor has booked Peaches to perform fully). Momentarily step a DJ/MC set at Durrr’s “Not The New away from the tinsel. It’s Year’s Eve”. The self-titled “electrocrap time to start thinking about queen” seems the perfect antidote to making those dreaded New tiresome Christmas cheer. I pronounce Year’s Eve plans. Here is a fine selec- that the 29th December shalt hence- Ption of events in the capital for those forth be known as New Year’s Eve Eve wishing to start the year in style. Eve. Why has no one thought of this As the clocks strike midnight, there before? Hmmm. is one place guaranteed to have the How to describe Peaches? Well, she’s ooooh factor.; that clock in Westmin- on a different planet to the likes of ster. Everyone has seen Big Ben, and Dido. She is glam-shock, provocative, the spectacular fireworks detonated vulgar and obscene. Perfect for rebel- above the Thames on television, year ling against nostalgic festive tweeness. after year. Will it meet up to expecta- Indoctrinate yourself with the unoffi- tion in real life? cial videos for “Fuck the Pain away” on Clearly the main problem with YouTube. Gossip Queen Perez Hilton’s this otherwise sensible plan, loutish Miss Piggy version of this track is an crowds. Revellers need a bar to pro- excellent intro for beginners. I’m sure vide the essential alcohol, shelter and she will be wishing “Goodwilll to all warmth. Hypothermia is not a good men” this Christmas. look or way to start a new year. The Peaches isn’t technically at The End on New Year’s Eve but December the 29th is close enough WalkAbout Bar near Temple Tube Sta- Guanabara tion is the obvious choice to meet your I don’t know about you, but I’d quite needs. It faces onto the Thames, so the like be at a beach party in Rio on New midnight fireworks are on your door- Year’s Eve. Pyrotechnics, live music step. The unpretencious Australian and waves gently lapping on the beach. theme, with DJs, relatively affordable It’s an image of perfection. drinks and a modest entry fee should Back home in London, you can still make for a good all round experience. live the dream at Guanabara, a Brazil- lian late night venue near Drury Lane. Matter Revellion is the Brazillian new year’s What can you say? Once again, the su- event, a celebration originating from perclub at the O2 has the mother of all the traditions of the Umbanda religion. line-ups. 2ManyDJs are headlining the This Afro-Brazillian faith is based on celebrations with an electroclash DJ a mix of Catholicism and Spiritualism. set. For a duo with a DVD called “Part Revellers dress in white, float candles of the Weekend Never Dies”, I expect in the sea and offer flowers to Iemanjá, there to be many fond memories of the Queen of Seas, in return for bless- frenzied midnight dancing. I wish you ing the new year. a happy pilgrimage all the way to North At Guanabara, DJ Mark Robert- Greenwich. Get home safely children. son from Spiritual South, Limao and D.Vyzor will be on the decks playing Peaches Brazilian sounds. Mandinga, samba May I suggest adding a new celebration popsters and London School of Samba to the calendar? An inspired club pro- will be playing live.

If none of these events interest you, alternatively there’s a house party at David J Paw’s abode. Check next week’s issue for the full details. The dress code is “16th century surrealism”. If you aren’t lucky enough to enjoy Rio’s floating Xmas tree, then Guanabara near Drury Lane is for you 24 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Technology Technology Editor – Ravi Pall & Richard Lai [email protected] Artificial Intelligence Joseph Letts wonders if it an essential tool for students?

'm sorry to seize you in with such chine processors only receive what area in which they may have talent in is an irrelevant title! It took me a they see by analysing data received in creativity. If computers could be de- while to work out what my first from visual inputs (i.e. cameras). The veloped possessing such abilities, the (possible) article for felix would machines then have to calculate the future could be a different place. Such be, and after some wild guesses I perceived location of objects in their an event might lead to computers be- went with Artificial Intelligence. We all vision (easier with two cameras than ing considered conscious and possibly Isee robots in the movies, and comput- with one) as well as classify these even living beings. ers which can take over the world (in- objects. A future where computers are alive sert: Arnie and Skynet) and although it Humans have an easy job of clas- and participating members of society is not at the front of everybody’s mind, sifying families of objects; it has been is an idea that strikes fear into the sooner or later on an empty day, you hard for researchers to quantify the hearts of many. But would start wondering, what would it be like if process involved, and so making it be such a bad thing? computers could think for themselves? it harder to simulate the process So, the first question is: what defines on machines, leading to large artificial intelligence? When we think databases of images, stored about artificial intelligence in terms of for the sole purpose of object its popular culture reference, we tend recognition. to think that it revolves around the idea An interesting advance seen in of machines which act self-dependent- Artificial Intelligence which is close ly from humans, capable of premedi- to home is the Painting Fool. A project tated murder (think iRobot), and with started by Dr. Simon Colton (Doc) in With ro- general megalomaniac tendencies (e.g. 2001, the painting fool is an AI pro- bots and computing systems the Matrix). A useful scientific defini- gram which makes artist’s impression that advanced, the productive poten- tion I have found states: of pictures of people and landscapes. tial of the world would increase by a Artificial intelligence is the study of The program has recently been en- great magnitude. With robot workers the computations that make it possible hanced with help from Michel Valstar being tireless and able to work for long to perceive reason and act. (DoC PhD 2008) and Dr. Maja Pantic periods without rest and without pay, fewer mistakes would be made, leading problem might occur if the comput- Extract from: Chapter 1, Artificial (DoC), who provided another AI com- production would become more ef- to a safer world and less train delays. ers of the future develop emotions and Intelligence by Patrick Henry Winston puter vision program which uses a ficient, leading to cheaper prices for On the other hand, would the fu- personalities. Would they be content (3rd Edition). video feed to detect the emotion on a consumers as a wider stock of goods ture be as rosy as some paint it? What to do all that we ask them? If these But what does that mean when it ís subject’s face. This information is then to choose from. Also, if robots were would happen if they replaced humans computers will be able to create their at home? Essentially, it means that ar- fed to the painting fool, which uses the chosen for menial and dangerous jobs in all jobs? We might lose all of our own goals and solve problems, would tificial intelligence describes the field input to paint an abstract portrait, us- (such as cleaning or quarrying), peo- specialised craft skills (e.g. masonry, there be a stage where they decide that of study which enables technology to ing different colours and perspectives ple who would have worked in poor thatching), our music and our art, their goal differs from the general goal react and carry out decisions based for each emotion. conditions or little pay would be free fundamental parts of human culture. of humanity, which is to advance our- on inputs from its environment. Dur- The next goal of the painting to search for more selves in terms of knowledge, creativity ing my web research about AI, Iíve fool is to become creative, rewarding and and society? What would happen if this realised that it covers a much broader i.e. become able to paint fulfilling new goal required the disappearance topic than I anticipated, branching off new pictures without careers. “Would people of humans? Would we be able to fight into different sections. Some forms an input. Not to of this new enemy, who aim to destroy of AI are already being implemented, This brings for- men- even bother us using our weapons and unbeatable examples being route finding sys- ward the topic tion strategies? tems for complex transport networks, of machine that to provide an Many academics are split of the like- handwriting recognition software and conscious- lihood of a machine conscious, an ar- speech synthesizers. These systems ness. The education for gument which has spanned over many are capable of learning and making examples decades. It can be simplified into an decisions, e.g. text-to-speech systems that I’ve dis- their children if argument between two sides, between which study patterns in language to cussed so dualists and materialists. improve their chance of synthesising far all con- machines could The dualist philosophy is a belief that words, or handwriting recognition sys- cern systems thought and conscience are products tems which can adapt themselves to a which are do everything?” of a nonphysical substance, while the user’s handwriting to reduce the prob- used for indi- materialist philosophy holds the belief ability of mistranslation. vidual purpos- that all mental actions can be explained However, there are some problem es, generally It would be interesting to see how we by interactions between physical mat- areas of AI which still cause trouble to to aid humans would function as a society, if people ter (i.e. chemicals). Dualists argue that our scientists in the present day. One achieve their have no careers in the future would as long as intelligence is established of these is the problem of perception, goals. However, there be a communist economy, with by a nonphysical substance, man can- which would enable a machine to de- the most interest- no difference in wealth and circum- not create artificial intelligence in ma- termine its place in its current envi- ing part of AI con- stances? Would society be happy that chines in any manner. Materialists op- ronment and plan a suitable route for cerns computers which way, or will there always be people who pose this by saying that is the mind is navigation to certain areas or for es- think by themselves and strive to differentiate themselves from made of purely physical matter, then it cape. The ultimate application of this create their own goals. the masses. Would people even bother is possible to create an artificial intel- would be the futuristic motorways in These machines are said to provide an education for their chil- ligence in machines that approximates movies, where cars drive on auto-pilot to show true artificial in- dren, if machines could do everything human intelligence. (how ironic) at high speeds without telligence, which resembles anyway? But how do we know when a ma- any trouble at all. the intelligence of hu- If that happened, a disaster may oc- chine has reached a suitable level of While some parts of this problem mans. These machines cur if the machines broke down and cognisance to be seen as truly intelli- have been simplified, one of the main would show capabili- could not be fixed by other ma- gent? Well, there have been a few tests stumbling blocks involves the way in ties including problem chines. It could even lead to a dark proposed to answer this question, the which machines view the environment. solving, rationality age, with humans having to learn from most notable being a test devised by As humans, we naturally see the world and learning. scratch. Or has this already the father of modern computer sci- in terms of distances, and objects Another happened? ence, Alan Turing. The Turing test (with which we can An even determines a computer to be intelli- interact) because more gent if a human judge cannot between our brains do all wor- a computer and a human in separate the work for rying one-on-one conversations. Both con- us. In com- versations would be carried out in text, Picture of the Week parison to make each participant anonymous. ma- But this is a theoretical test which has Slapton Sands, by Alastair Isaacs its criticisms. At the end of the day, we can only 2nd Year Physics speculate about the contents of the fu- ture as (thankfully) we haven ít quite We want to exhibit your art. Send in your photographs. reached a stage where these things are [email protected] possible yet. Our computers are only as good as the code that instructs them. Or are theyÖ01010? 26 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Friday 5 December 2008 felix 27 Food Clubs & Societies Is your club cooler than the cat that Food Editors – Afonso Campos & Rosie Grayburn [email protected] got the cream? Write to us. Clubs & Socs Editor - Alice Rowlands [email protected] Is my cardigan like totally awesome? David Paw eats steak Spotlight on the Recreational Clubs Committee

Afonso Campos RCC Chair Jenny Wilson and chums go through the ins-and-outs of the recreational side of student life Food Editor ave you ever found your- self having fun/ wanting ou know that little place? to Starbucks. Seriously dude, it’s right to have fun whilst at Im- The one one on Glouces- there and you will look much cooler perial? If the answer is ter Road in front of drinking your triple venti eggnog latte yes then the chances are Nando’s and some rancid with a shot of vanilla, no sugar, extra that you are/ want to be a member of Reconsider fish and chips dive? The foam, low temperature rabbit’s sperm Ha club that is part of the Recreational Do you like fun? one supposedly no-one knows about? and Jesus’ tears than you could ever at Clubs Committee. Those of us in the NO YRosie wrote about it at some point... House of Coffees. RCC make our sole purpose in life to No? Brilliant. I’m glad you don’t. Why I know we reviewed this place, but cater to the needs of the hard work- is it refreshing that you have no clue I seriously don’t want you there. Also, ing Imperial student by providing you about it? Mainly because I like it. since when does a review constitute with opportunities to maximise those YES Because my friends like it. Because an invitation? This clear misconcep- rare occasions when you find your- normal people who go there like it. I tion has led some of my favourite self with some ‘free time’ (read: not a have been going there since my first places in London to be inundated by ... deadline tomorrow). In short, the RCC term at Imperial and immensely enjoy ugh... I’ll just leave it there. has a plethora of fun activities to suit how peaceful it can sometimes be. I On the other hand, if you are one of: your every whim- from Belly Dancing Do you like running and jump- SWEAT IS A WAY Do you have an “allergy to SEVERE HIVES Do you embrace the geek usually like to go there late at night to • uncontrollably cool to Wargames, Surfing to Mah Jong, ing or adventure? sweat”? week? grab a pizza and read any paper that • in love with comedy by Bill and Caving to Wine & Fine Drinks OF LIFE FOR ME is not overly commie, or have a quiet Hicks (but preferably not at the same time) chat with my friends. There’s some- • an appreciator of the sartorial as well as our newest addition, Radio- thing special about it. I don’t know arts Controlled Modellers. In essence, the what it is – perhaps the feel of a place • stupendously good looking RCC represents an eclectic mix of (oc- that knows itself and does not need • Miranda Kerr casionally quirky) clubs that satiate this to try to be just another run-of-the- you are more than welcome to come college’s craving for that Holy Grail mill expensive coffee shop, sacrificing over. My friends and I may even invite that we all must strive for: a life. real-world authenticity for those extra you to sit with us following a ques- Now that we’ve convinced you of bucks. Or pounds. Whatever. The tionnaire reminiscent of the Spanish your need to join one of these clubs, RUNNING & JUMPING ADVENTURE GEEK POSITIVE GEEK NEGATIVE point is, the place is authentic, unpre- Inquisition or a GCHQ interview. we’ve prepared a handy flow chart to tentious, and well... nice. Pretty nice. All joking aside now, of course I help you decide which one/ones to Because of that, I don’t especially don’t mind anyone going to House of join. Its worth noting though, that this love it when the place is filled to the Coffees. In fact, I encourage you to is by no means an extensive list- our di- brim with Imperial students being do so. I ask however, that if you do versity is so diverse that it’s simply not loud and obnoxious. Please don’t go, you respect the people who make possible to include them all, but that’s Why not try Parkour or Gymnastics: For you Lara Crofts/Indiana Jones’ Fairly self explanatory in their nature, AstroSoc and Street Magic could get me wrong though – everyone is it either their comfortable second phere, service – are available in spades. and wink she chirruped “Enjoy!” and not to say that if its niche you’re seek- these could both accurately be de- we have a range of adventure clubs why not join Wargames, Chess, Back- be just up your alley. Think of it like allowed to go wherever one wants, living room or enjoy the very simple Sophie’s Steakhouse HHHHK Grab a table if you can – table service left us to contemplate the task at hand. ing, we can’t provide- because we can. scribed as the skilled art of running covering sky (with Gliding and Para- gammon, Mah Jong, Gaming (as in transforming your life at Imperial to whenever one wants. Except if you are pleasures that place somehow brings is quick and efficient, and takes any po- However, unlike cooking a steak at Do you sometimes find yourself yearn- and jumping over obstacles. A more chute), sea and rivers (with Canoe) computers and consoles) or Web De- one akin to a life at Hogwarts, and si- to those that manage to find beauty in 29-31 Wellington St, WC2E 7DB not an avid reader of this section, or Phone: 020 7352 0088 tential stress out of the proceedings. home, which almost inevitably turns ing to look after a 100 year old fire en- subtle difference is the nature of those and land (with Outdoor, Fellwander- sign & Software if your style is more multaneously fulfilling that fantasy of start reading felix from the back page the supposedly banal and mundane. www.sophiessteakhouse.com After just over the 30 minutes had out too well-done, too cold, too-un- gine? Or do you find Windows Vista obstacles. If parkour is your style, say ers, Exploration and Mountaineering relaxed. These clubs provide an indoor yours/mediate your disappointment (ie: sports pages). Ta-da! Christmas On a totally unrelated note; how elapsed, we were shown to our seats. derseasoned, and almost always with a the bane of your life and have become goodbye to brick walls stopping you clubs, though admittedly the last pre- haven for those who don’t require frost- that there wasn’t a Hogwarts Uni op- came early for some of you, as I will be awesome is my cardigan? For further Best: Incredible meat-binge The setup at Sophie’s – unlike so many lacklustre accompaniment (in my case, an apostle of Linux? A full list can be in your tracks, for it becomes a ques- fer to traverse vertical surfaces). And if bite, trench foot or reality to have fun. tion on UCAS. AstroSoc does more dishing out some better-than-average dicussion on the issue, please email Worst: The fries... oh those space-starved London eateries – is a a couple of glasses of Cooper’s), restau- found at www.union.ic.ac.uk/rcc. tion of which way to go around/over you’ve had enough of over-ground, we That’s not to say of course that they than just looking at the sky- they have advice. And guess what? For free. Go [email protected]. french fries welcome relief. The tables are perfectly rant steak is always a tongue-searingly And if you still feel there aren’t the wall? On the other hand, if you are also have Caving club to take you un- don’t induce a similar adrenaline rush things like ‘star parties’ and regularly Price: £25/30 per head placed for people watching and come delicious, melt-in-the-mouth, disgust- enough hours in the day for fun, we’ve more of a traditionalist then gymnas- derground, or Underwater society for to their more physical counterparts, hear from astronomers as well as go- with a claustrophobia-free guarantee. ingly tender and perfectly balanced also got the annual RCC Night Hike tics is for you, where you can conquer those of you more aquatically inclined. from cerebral achievements alone. ing on excursions to our Wye campus While this isn’t the perfect setup for an experience. My steak started dark pink for your delight and amusement. Com- your fear of cartwheels and have a le- These provide the perfect chance to That’s right, with these sorts you could to watch solar eclipses. Or for those of The second outpost of the venerable intimate date, I would hazard a guess but became intriguingly and deviously ing to you this February, it is always a gitimate excuse for wearing a leotard. really leave the city life; distance isn’t work towards taking on Deep Blue you who need a better party trick than institution on the Fulham Road, So- that watching a previously-attractive darker as I moved towards the centre night of fancy dress, frustration (the If gravity is what’s holding you back really a consideration for these adven- (the chess playing computer) or hack reciting pi to 100dp, knowing a bit of phie’s Covent Garden screams “NYC” girl/boy devour a plate of near-raw of the cut, gaining in intensity and fla- good kind) and frolics; guaranteed Synchronised Swimming is another turers as long as there is fresh air- even the main frame with your new supe- Street Magic is a much cooler alterna- from the moment you step through meat could be quite a turn-off. vour. It was so easy to cut I could have to leave an indelible mark on your option, particularly if you want more in a tank. Whatever the weather, they rior Perl or C++ skills (read: computer tive. If you’re lucky, they’ll even teach the front doors. Everything from the The a la carte is a carnivore’s delight, eaten it with a pair of chopsticks, and hippocampus. from a swim than badges. always return with some exciting tales. skills for geek negatives). you to conjure a lab report. space itself – a single huge, expan- and almost everything on the menu the flavour so satisfying the accompa- sive room more SoHo loft than Soho was a tempting proposition. The list of nying fries and salad was only resort- squat – to the luxurious banquettes starters was mercifully abbreviated too, ed to during moments of guilt at the and oversize vase dominating the front overindulgence. entrance, gives off an irresistible party Speaking of which, despite the qual- atmosphere. The room’s liberal use of “My steak ity of their beef, Sophie’s really need dark woods and gorgeous, earthy reds to do something about their chips. If VEGETABLE THAI GREEN paired with a mass of elegant, spiral- started dark the most hard-up, fiscally-challenged ling hyphae-like LED lights adds to chipshop in the most Godforsaken CURRY the mood, giving an impression of a pink but became part of Northern England can conjure party deep in a forested grotto. Front up pure potato magic with a deep fat reception are frantic dealing with im- intriguingly and frier, a sack of Tesco’s value spuds and promptu attendees (the restaurant has some salt, then I do not think it is too INGREDIENTS: (serves 3/4) a no-booking policy to push the casual deviously darker much to ask a respected establishment factor up), and bar staff rush back and like Sophie’s that charges £2.50 for a 1 tbsp vegetable oil 1 tin coconut milk forth mixing oversized martinis. (...)” paltry squirt of Coke to produce some- 2 tbsp green curry paste 2-3 stalks of lemon gress They needn’t worry though. While thing decent from whichever labori- 300g oyster mushrooms juice of one lime half the evening’s clientele sink their ously selected supplier provides them 10 stalks of broccoli coriander to garnish teeth into enormous, perfectly cooked with potatoes. Hot. Crispy. Golden. It 1.5 courgettes thai jasmine rice steaks, the other half are sat back soak- offering perfectly rendered classics like isn’t brain surgery, chaps. 1.5 tbsp soft brown sugar light soya sauce ing up the buzz and kicking back at the calamari and dressed Cornish crab. Despite the oversights on the part of bar. You don’t get a vibe this relaxed at But of course, the star attraction was the kitchen however, Sophie’s is still a Gaucho. We put down a reservation what we, and most of you, will venture worthy affair. It has the right ingredi- when we arrived, and we were told it to WC2 for, and though the list wasn’t ents to be a resounding success. The Heat the oil in a large frying pan or wok. Add the curry paste and sugar would be about 30 minutes before our as comprehensive as other steakhouses management understand that no one and for roughly a minute on fairly high heat. Add the lemongrass and number would flash up on one of the (say, either a gargantuan 20oz piece, or wants to get dressed up to eat what reduce the heat slightly. Stir in the vegetables until completely coated small electronic boards dotted about a proportionally-challenged 8oz cut), is essentially the most primitive and in the sauce. Add the coconut milk and soy sauce, bringing the entire the walls. So, we went through a few at least it was to the point. basic meal of them all, and that while concotion to a simmer for about half an hour until it’s thick(ish). Chuck very acceptable mojitos. Open until Between us, we ordered the Porter- too formal is bad, not formal enough in the coriander and lime juice and more soy sauce if you think it needs 2.30am, long after the kitchen closes, house and two portions of the Cote is worse (no novelty steak sauces or it. Leave to sit for a while until slightly cooled. Serve with the jasmine the bar itself is an attractive proposi- de Boeuf. After a very brief wait, the balloons in sight). Sophie’s has hit the rice that you have cleverly cooked taking into account how long the tion. Therefore, it’s such a pity that they waitress set down what can only be right balance, and has integrated the rest of the stuff takes to make. have to do with so little space when the described as three monstrous slabs of bonus of a great bar. Let’s just hope other key ingredients – drinks, atmos- bovine joy on our table. With a smile they get those chips right next time. 28 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Friday 5 December 2008 felix 29 What’s on... Clubs & Societies Calendar Editors – Lily Topham & Rachel D’oliveiro Coffee Break [email protected] [email protected]

Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Christmas is Stuff IC Students Like!? :) rible death later) approach to life and over rated 10. Ravi Pall: an unhealthy disregard for sport, Carol Service London Self Defence Art Exhibition iCU Cinema work and his survival in general. Ravi Pall Don’t be coy, I know you secretly Of course none of this matters, as a Chrisitian Union and Gospel Street-O Session “Lost and Found” is the latest Film: Eagle Eye Coffee Break Editor adore the felix editor with the longest re-app he’s built an impressive army Choir invite you to share free exhibition in the Blyth Gallery, hair. How could you not? of freshers who will come in very mince pies and hot drinks from Join Orienteering Club for a Come to a FREE Filipino Martial and features work from visit- Director: D.J. Caruso He has everything you could possi- useful when Ravi’s organs finally fail 6pm followed by a traditional street orienteering event in Arts taster session in practical ing artists Dominic Kennedy, Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Michelle bly want in a mate/boyfriend/casual from continuous, intense alcohol carol service. The evening central London. and effective self-defence. It Rachel Thorlby and Lara Monaghan, Rosario Dawson, erm is almost over. A good uni life, and why wouldn’t you? You can acquaintance: a live now (die a hor- abuse. (This is all total bollocks- Ed) will also feature performances has been especially designed Viana. Billy Bob Thornton, Julianne thing for some, it gives you do whatever you feel like, when you from IC Gospel Choir starting Street-O is a fun way of ex- for those with little or no expe- Moore time to catch up on hours like. No parents nagging you to do this, at 6:30. ercising and may resemble a rience of martial arts but who The exhibition runs until 19th of missed work. However not erroneous family members visiting well organised treasure hunt. wish to learn about personal December and is well worth Plot: Jerry and Rachel are two many seem to underes- with complete ignorance to your intel- Time: 6:30pm No prior navigation skills re- safety. Suitable for all and no going to see. strangers thrown together by a timate the down side. The Christmas ligence. Happy days. Place: Main Dining Hall, quired, though bringing a torch prior experience necessary. mysterious phone call from a Tbreak is very lonely. Sure you can go For those of you who are staying in Sherfield is recommended! Time: Open 8am - 10pm woman they have never met. home and see you family and friends, London this holiday. Well done. You’ve Price: Admission Free For more information, email: Place: Blyth Gallery, Lvl 5 Threatening their lives and but what about all those good times become an independent person who Drink with me, I’m Snaky B Afterwards, all are welcome to [email protected]. Sherfield family, she pushes Jerry and you spent with your friends here at will carry on doing whatever they come along to the pub and the Price: Admission Free Rachel into a series of increas- university? You’ll miss all those times like (that or you can’t gather the dol- and this week I’m dressed as Bruce Lee club’s Christmas social. Time: 1 - 2pm ingly dangerous situations, us- you could just walk into the UNION lar to get the train/bus/plane home). Place: Union Dining Hall, Beit ing the technology of everyday and drink yourself silly, while being Look forward to things like the Winter I am Snaky B. I am Bruce Lee. I am than you should, go and see a doctor. MTSoc For more information, email: Price: Admission Free life to track and control their with people who actually understand Wonderland in Hyde Park, or the New the dragon. I am the warrior. I am the They will me more than happy to put [email protected]. every move. you, and what your about. No your not Year fireworks at the London Eye. Sure killing machine. Seriously though, you right back on track. Cabaret Welcome to the latest in- emo, but you are a geek. We all are, you won’t get any presents, but you’re wait until I roundhouse kick you liver Now where was I? Oh yeah. Did you Time: 7pm carnation of What’s On! If Time: 9pm and there is no use denying it. Chances probably not religious anyway, or if you into next week. Not just that, but your see that movie I was in one time. I was Musical Theatre Society Place: Putney Film Screening you have any suggestions Place: Union Concert Hall, Beit are, while the company you keep back are, unlucky. I say unlucky, more like kidneys too. Ha ha ha ha. Joking... awesome. I kicked so many people in the presents a Musical Cabaret Price: Admission Free or comments about the Price: £3 (members) home are extremely fun and enjoyable grow up. You’re over 18 and know San- Not! POW! teeth it was bad ass. Some say I could featuring songs from Anchor- Friends of Médecins Sans Fron- layout, please let us know. to be around, they won’t adhere to the ta doesn’t exist. If you really want the Now I have your attention with my win in a fight against Jackie Chan and man, Rocky Horror , Hairspray, tières present ‘The Invisibles’, Membership can be bought elitist views your time at Imperial Col- presents and food get it mailed to you. sweet ass moves I would like to make Jet lee. I believe these people. I know Fame and more! Why go to the a film of five stories about five As usual , this page will at the door for £3 pounds and lege has given you. Think about it. Next That’s right I just suggested mailing an important message. The real cause I’m a corpse and wot not, but zombies West End when you can have it Charity forgotten crises produced by feature club and soci- includes the first film watched time you out with your school mates food. It’s my idea and I’ll make millions of my death was due to the excess in- kick ass. So being a martial genius and a all without leaving campus? Oscar winner Javier Bardem. ety events running from for FREE. you’ll have a thought at some point (or not). In conclusion to this rant, I take of alcohol. Alcohol, while fun to zombie is mega kick ass. Concert Monday to Sunday of that roughly goes like this. “Back at uni would just like to say that Christmas consume responsibly, can have detri- That’s it for this term guys, that was With a charity collection for Time: 6:30pm the following week, so we’d be doing *blank* right now.” is too much of a commercial holiday mental effects on your body, especially the last time Snaky be will be dressing Crisis and Les Enfants De PASS Society invite you to a Place: G34, SAF get in contact to let us This may seem and awful thing to to get wrapped up in, so don’t worry when used long term. If you think you up, but come back next week where we Tchernobyl. classical and jazz concert to Price: Free/£1 (Members/Non- know what you are up to! Film Night think, but this merely means you miss about it. may be an alcoholic, or consume more review all my previous costumes. raise money for the Overseas Members) Time: 8pm Chinese Students Children The deadline for submis- West Indian Society host a fes- Place: Union Concert Hall, Beit Fund (OCSCF). This charity sions for next week’s edi- tive film night featuring “Cool Price: Admission Free helps meet the educational, tion is midnight on Mon- Runnings” followed by a spe- developmental and medical iCU Cinema day 8th December. cial Christmas film! needs of underprivileged chil- dren in Tibet and Sichuan in Film: How to Lose Friends and To feature, please send in Free snacks provided. China. Alienate People the following: Time: 6:30pm Photoshop Competition -8 To reserve tickets, contact: Time: 9pm - Club name Place: Pippard LT, Sherfield [email protected] Place: Union Concert Hall, Beit - Event name Price: £1/£2 (Members/Non- Price: £3 (Members) - Date(s) & Time Members) Time: 7pm - Place Place: Read LT, Sherfield Membership can be bought - Price (if applicable) Price: £2.30/£3.50 (Members/ at the door for £3 pounds and - Short description of the Non-Members) includes the first film watched event (max. 30 words) for FREE. Email: [email protected]

String Ensemble Concert A new year, a new conductor and some fabulous music. Come along and listen to Imperial College String Ensemble playing Elgar’s Serenade for Strings, Finzi’s Clarinet Concerto and Bartok’s Rumanian Folk Dances. Conductor: Jonathan Mann, clarinet soloist: Chris Turner. Saturday Time: 8:30pm Place: Holy Trinity Church, Prince Consort Road (next to the Union) Price: £3/£6 (Concessions/Full Price)

ICSM Music Society Carol Concert This week’s winner. Team Shotgun! Next week’s RAW image for you to go wild. See www.felixonline.co.uk The traditional annual Medical School Carol Service with free mulled wine and mince pies. All welcome. Free entry with retiring collection. Come along for some end-of-term festive cheer.

Sunday Time: 6:30pm Congratulations to this week’s win- has caused a LOLOCAUST!. This week’s image is of Alex McKee The high res picture can be found on- Place: Holy Trinity Church, Prince Consort Road (next to the Union) ner, Team Shotgun I’m loving the and Medic president Mark Chamber- line. Click on Coffee Break in the sec- Price: Admission Free Chistmas theme here guys. Sure it’s Keep up the good work, and please en- lain sitting in the office of our beloved tions tab. Email your entry to coffee. an over rated holiday, but beards and ter next week. It’s good to see more en- DPEW. What are they doing though? [email protected] with your team mats make everything better. Also I tires in this week, especially after last Also what is up with the look Mark is name and .PSD file and you’ll be en- do believe Jovan with his smoke pipe week’s epic fail. giving Alex? tered into the FUCWIT league. 30 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Friday 5 December 2008 felix 31 [email protected] Fun & Games A Quickie (Crossword) 1,418 FUCWIT 1 2 3 3 4 5 6 7 ACROSS 1,417 Solution Slitherlink 1,418 Freshly Squeezed! 8 1 Fool; slang for any narcotic (4) 1 League Table 2 2 2 3 Mining for love. Despite the rivalry, able with the same thing in navy. We’ll 3 Pork dish (8) 3 2 2 9 10 3 2 2 3 proof that love knows no boundaries is be watching... 9 Facial hair (7) rife in the RSM this week. A geologi- 10 High-flown (5) 1 1 2 2 2 MÖchten sie mein Manschaft? 80 Points 1 2 cal gem sparkles whenever a certain Bio-Med Man Whore. Will he be able 11 Area for emergency parking (3,2) 3 2 2 3 2 ceramic Pott is in the vicinity, living up to stop his lecherous ways now that his 12 Card game (6) 11 12 Team Shotgun 76 Points 2 3 1 2 2 to her ‘jewel-ey’ nature . mail-order bride has arrived from the 14 The environment (6) 2 1 3 3 1 2 Not forgetting the events at the other side of the world? 16 Came to a favourable conclusion (6) 1 2 3 3 13 Giramundo 31 Points Christmas Ball; a certain boy should Having been spotted reconnecting 2 2 1 2 18 General knowledge (6) stop Mac-ing on other people’s with his French roots in the meantime, 19 Waste time (6) Jonathan Phillips 18 Points 14 15 16 17 1 2 2 2 1 1 2 3 1 2 1 2 3 women. will the kangaroo now be able to oust 20 Mythological beast (5) 3 1 1 2 2 3 the frog? 21 Even (5) Hringur Gretarsson 17 Points 18 3 3 3 2 2 2 LOST. 4.67 billion year old meteorite. 22 Lifelike (5) 2 3 2 2 1 2 2 Needed for PhD. If found, don’t step on Biology students are 23 Illustrate (4) Team Rubbish 17 Points Lecture Totty. 18 19 20 21 22 it. Seriously. queuing for extra-tuition. 24 Took the Underground (5) So, it appears that my rant last week Burning post-lecture questions 25 With relation to (3,1,3) Team Turner Gobels 12 Points 1 2 3 2 2 2 1 23 worked. Möchten sie mein Man- FOUND. Dignity. Belonging to Cap- anyone? 26 Refuge (8) Yu-Xi Chau 10 Points handed their arses on tain Condom. Please collect; it clashes 27 Chances of an event occurring (4) schaft? Shotgun 24 25 a plate. Good. Well done to you, I think with our décor, and is destroying our Con Artists. CSSA have been charg- Barbie’s Castle 8 Points 3 2 2 2 2 2 I may give double points too.... Persian rug. ing membership fees, then spending DOWN the money themselves rather than pay- 1 Home (8) How to play: Jumper Watch. So Messr. Mech-Eng, ing into the club account. Nice one. Ex- 2 Devotion (5) Right then, the Felix University/College-Wide Invitational Tourna- 26 27 2 2 2 we see you took our advice and have cept that they got caught red-handed, 4 Tin alloy (6) ment League is officially back, and it’s about time we explain what It’s quite simple, all numbers are in a banished your grey garment to your oops. 5 Religious artifact (5) the hell is going on. 2 cell and must be surrounded with a chair-drobe (we understand that your 6 Judge (7) 3 1 1 3 1 1 corresponding number lines. Lines gender prevents you from using furni- Indian Summer. Biologist and Chem- Solution 1,417 7 Turkish administrators (4) Basically, you get points for doing all the various puzzles and chal- cannot split and there can only be ture correctly). ist finally get together. If your curry was 8 Form of worship (6) lenges, and at the end of the year, the winning team will win an iPod D E F A M E T V E R M I N nano! Pretty cool right? The scoring is as follows: 3 one continuous line. Any cells with no But the basis of last week’s advice was as old as your courtship was lengthy, it E N O O A N M A L A U O 13 Worships (8) 2 numbers can have any number of lines. for you to develop some sort of jumper would be near-decomposed. Took you 15 Type of cot (4,3) F U C H S I A S D U R E R 5 points for the first correct answers for Slitherlink, Wordoku, Pho- Look at the solution above for help. repertoire, not just to replace ol’ reli- long enough. 17 Waterproof shoe (6) U E C T T E I S E I S O M toshop Competition and Quick Crossword. 4 points for second, 3 S U S H I U N I R V A N A points for third, 2 points for fourth and 1 point for fifth. E A E F S T U N A L A L Well done to Möchten sie mein Manschaft? it was a spirited and momentous victory. You E C O F F E E B R E A K E Double points will be awarded for correct cryptic crossword an- battled on though the mud and the rain to E U R E E N N E S O A S swers, because it’s über hard. C R O A T I A A A S C O T record a crushing defeat against the mighty This week’s texts: Men died, homes burned and you L R T U I C N E G A H I A Shotgun. Simple! Now then FUCWITs, send in your answers to felix@impe- women raped but you stuck with your biro until Wordoku 1,418 A D U L T U C O E X I S T rial.ac.uk or [email protected]. Go! “Don’t feed the fucking cat, the food the bitter end. For your bravery I award you the I E N A L L E O N I N I U is 4 ur mum.” highest prize, no, not a loose lady but five points R E D E E M S S T O O G E S A W for the FUCWIT league. “Don’t send me shit about sand- A D O T wiches or I will come over there and insert the whole baguette up T D A As promised we are back to your arse.” immature words. Unfortunately 1,417 Solution Shotgun won it again, you are “Send me the number of one of the O W M becoming like serial killers. But page 3 girls or ur mother will b M T O Y N F C U A with word based puzzles and not fucked up her ass by a dog without rd Horoscopes, known to be one of your five-a-day D M O S Y C F O U A M T N prostitutes. I hope everyone else any lube.” Miles 3 floor Selkirk A N U C M T O F Y found (some) FOAMYCUNT, and 07726 799 424 Here in felix we pride ourselves on our award winning paper. I don’t think they saw this part T A W U Y C N T O F A M as it why it’s foamy I don’t know. “Oh Polish well you came and you F O A M Y C U N T gave without taking, but I sent you Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio E D R T M N A F U Y O C Wordoku is identical to Sudoku; TEXT US! OR away oh Polish.” N F M T O Y A C U we’ve just replaced numbers C U Y F A N T M O with letters. Complete the puzzle WE WON’T “Miles. I will actually fuck your So I go to my I move onto AIDs. Mate. This week Phil Collins. What A M S R and then send the whole grid to mum in the arse using the pointy departmental café Apparently you you’re fighting off a load of shit. O A T U C M N Y F [email protected]. FEED THE CAT! end of a traffic cone. Enjoy.” for a bacon bap. get them from not the opposite sex. Seriously I have S T A You will not get credit for just the What do I get? Two strapping it up They are going to an overwhelming word alone. It’s not an anagram. bits of crackling before slapping it be all over you like a urge to bottle him. shoved between up, “always wear a dirty rash. Is it your I’d take that jail bread that had the texture of digestive biscuits, condom kids” they tell you. Remember when new haircut or the Ralph Lauren fragrance you sentence any day of the week (mabey not no butter either- naturally. Then bloke asks me your mum always told you to wear a helmet on just brought? No. None of these things. Not 9am Monday morning- that would kinda set for £1.50. Seriously, no mate, what you’ve just your bike? Yet you always took it off when you even the fact you’re too sexy for your shirt. a bad tone for the days to follow). He can’t given me resembles low grade balsa wood, you left her sight. Assuming she’s not there mark- Nope. It’s rape. I suggest carrying round a say he hasn’t had it coming, what with all that Jov says: I’m going to split Hannah in half, that’s a given can fuck right off, then a bit further. ing you out of 10 it’s still the same. Isn’t it? sawn-off shotgun, or similar implement. sentimental bollocks he forced upon us. ood morning my socially drinks were pouring in. Violated (m*(L^2))) challenged chums! And Easy. Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius good afternoon to my Dear Tamara, Dear Violated, social butterflies who I worked hard to get good GCSEs so I Leave the country. Dear Tamara, So, you play Next big story of I received a When you make only got up at noon. could get good A levels so I could go to I can’t seem to arrive at the destination Women’s Rugby. the week concerns complaint about love, do you look in Yours truly is here to sort out your a good uni and get a good job. Then, I Dear Tamara, during intercourse. Things are fine man- That’s two words the fact that you Virgo’s last the mirror? Who do Gproblems, while making it look so easy worked very hard for my A levels so I What is the natural frequency of a pen- ually but as soon as a girl is involved I that really shouldn’t appear to be having horoscope. A you think of, does Jodie Marsh would be ashamed. This could get into a good uni and get a good dulum of mass, m, and length, l, if it has can’t seem to unload my protein shot. be placed one after copious amounts of charitable (read it look like me? Do week has been rather busy for your job. Then I worked hard at Imperial so a spring of stiffness, k, attached at the What can I do? I’m desperate? another under sex with your older twat) inhabitant of you tell lies and say resident shoulder-to-cry-on, I would get a good job. Now, I am in my centre of it’s length? Clogged pipes any circumstances. I actually had to fight sister. Humm I think it be best if you were to Selkirk Hall (Miles 3rd floor) pointed out that that it’s forever? Do you think twice, or just graduating year with no job prospects. Mass Damper my fingers in an effort to get the words on lets say, stop. If you refuse to I am going to tell H from Steps was actually born 18th November touch and see? If you answered yes to these Dear Tamara, It’s not fair! Dear Clogged Pipes, the page. God knows what’s going to happen her- try explaining that one. For years shes making him a Scorpio. Cheers pal- I’ve even please let me know on 07884 493418 because I have recently been hit in the face Crunched up Dear Mass damper, Either the girls you try with are too ugly when this is printed 5,000 times. I’m actually been having to walk like she’s constipated due brought my bothered face. I make these up love bites, love bleeds and it’s bringing me to with a hockey ball. The swelling and The way to approach this problem is or you prefer boy bit to girls’. There is expecting a mini Hiroshima. Shit! to your rather vicious sexual technique. you cretin. Now piss off before I smash you. my knees. Love lives and love dies. bruising are really quite bad - people Dear Crunched up first to find the moment of inertia about a third option where you should see a keep turning to stare in the street! I know, I know, it’s not fair, is it? All you the pivot of the pendulum. According doctor but that is out of my expertise. I’m afraid it may have harmed my can do is keep applying everywhere to the parallel axis theorem, moment Option 1, ugly girls: You need to up Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn Sean-Bean-esque chiselled looks. How and hope. Alternatively, you could of inertia, I = (L^2*m). Then, take mo- your game and get with. will I cope? give up on uni and concentrate on get- ments about the pivot, these are found Option 2, you are gay: You will find Looking at the stars No. You cannot Oh Hai! This week is “Ohh look at me Bashed-in-babe ting a sugar daddy/mummy to sustain to be = -mgL*(theta) - kl(theta), if l is that you have a lot more success with I can see that you write your own not going to go too I’m Tomo Roberts, you through these difficult times. The the length to the centre of the rod and members of the sex you find attrac- are suffering from horoscope. I am well. Imagine a big I won Journalist of Dear Bashed-in-babe, second route may actually make more theta is the angle of displacement of tive. It may come as a shock if you have having a small willy. perfectly capable fan. Now imagine the Year and Paper I had a similar problem when a bottle economic sense. the pendulum. managed to reach such a mature age Don’t worry- it’s not and need your help that fan now being of the Year. I’m so of Stalla Artois. The equation of motion is 0 = I(theta without realising which way you swing. your fault. All you like I do a third covered in copious cool.” No mate, all I found that if I was brave, pushed my Dear Tamara, double-dot) + k(theta). Life is all about self discovery. need do to make you willy seem huge is get a armpit, i.e. not desperately. I might got so far amounts of shit. Still with me? Right now you did was edit, your team won Paper of the best assets forward and went out. Hav- I recently returned to a sticky keyboard, And the natural frequency is found by tiny girlfriend. Think about the physics, small to say that you’re about as much use as a cock imagine that fan being turned on and fired Year. You won nothing. Your Journalist of the ing a bit of a bump on my face was an that Chaz Murdoch had just vacated, omega-n = sqrt(k/m), this equates to willy combined with tiny girl will make you flavoured lollypop. I wish you the best of luck in up to full power- similar to the power used Year was a ploy by the MD of the Guardian so excellent conversation starter and was and a picture of my bottom on the = sqrt((mgL + kl) /mL^2) Got a problem, contact Tamara at manhood appear larger than a marrow. But the emotional, and social struggles that seem to in Honda UK’s F1 wind tunnel. Nice thought he can have you dressed in crotchless trousers To get you in the Christmas spirit a source of such sympathy that free screen. What should I do? = sqrt((g/l)+((k*(l^2))/ [email protected] please, I implore you not to shag a 13 year old. be placing such a demand on you. huh? Not for you- have fun. for your placement this summer. Haha. Pint? 32 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Friday 5 December 2008 felix 33 Sport [email protected]

Continued from back page was showing. Spending a month doing long routes at altitude had taken it out Lacrosse keep on winning Goûter Route. It was a physically and of us. More time was spent “relaxing” Ask the captain - emotionally exhausting effort, but after in the valley, either climbing on the Elsa Butrous have ever played with some true fire goal in our first encounter with them, a long, near continuous fourteen hour sport crags of Chamonix, or running and grit coming form both teams. Af- everyone was psyched for what was push from 2372m, the whole team en- on the trails on the valley sides. In the We ran off the cold pitch last Wednes- ter being down 3 goals at the ¾ inter- going to be another hard fought match joyed the incomparable satisfaction of final few days Neil and Rob succeeded day in our muddy, well-worn boots val, we powered up and managed to as a loss would have jeopardised our reaching the summit. The day was only in climbing the classic Frendo spur up Colette Gregory with rosy cheeks and an amazing achieve 4 goals to win 7-6. position at the top of the league. half done however and this had to be the Aiguille du Midi. This involved feeling of satisfaction having brought Portsmouth joined us in Harlington Our stick work training on Monday followed by the long, tiring descent. 1100 vertical metres of climbing. home yet another victory. We retained for our next match and with some great practises, looking out for each other as Some of the highlights of this time The most sleepless night was spent Week 3 in the build up to 25th February 2009. This week, our position at the top of the league work in attack, we secured another win a team and some fantastic consecutive Jack with a 100% win rate from our first five and scored 18 goals against 3. passing paid off to produce some of the interviews the Imperial Netball club captain and 1st team matches of the season. We started off With a team of only 10, we travelled best lacrosse yet. We were all smiles Cornish the year with our experienced players, to Kent University in Canterbury feel- when the 60 minute whistle went off to player Colette Gregory and have gained some fantastic new ing rather apprehensive about playing finish with an 8-2 win. freshers who have settled in well. 2 ‘men’ down. Playing on some rather We have played some excellent la- We first trekked it to Brighton but long grass meant our lacrosse was crosse so far this season and working Hi Colette, thank you very much promoted in both the BUCS and ULU Do you think sport at Imperial tion for the net- the match was well worth the travel as somewhat sluggish at times but we still as a close-knit team has done wonders for meeting felix sports today! leagues this year. I am very proud of the suffers because we are based so ball club to have we played some fine lacrosse against a got the ball in the back of the net and to our level of play. First things first - how has your 3rd team because it is their first year in centrally in London? an Anne Sum- competitive team to win 11-8. played some excellent defensive work We still have a few more matches to season been so far? BUCS this season and they have been To be honest the netball club doesn’t mers party each Next on the line was a home match to come away with a 21-1 victory. come but we all ready and raring to go The season for the first team has not winning games even though they are suffer too badly because we can still year. Last year af- at Harlington against King’s. This was Most recently, we played King’s in for what will hopefully be our most been too great so far because we have in the same league as the 2nd team. So find courts centrally. Sometimes I wish ter several glasses one of the most intense matches we Berrylands. Having won by only one successful season ever. yet to win a game. But we are making they are doing really well. Both Anna we had courts at Harlington with all of Rose wine I de- progress. and Alice are doing really a great job in the other sports as we are bit left out cided to purchase their captaincy roles. because of it. I am sure after years of a rather interesting Progress in which particular areas travelling to Harlington you would set of lingerie! It al- exactly? So moving on from netball to wish you were in Ethos! ways gets an interest- Our team is improving game upon other sports - who is doing well? ing response when I game! I am spanking them [the girls] Who is not? take my clothes off! regularly to make them play better! Se- Well I know the rugby 1st XV are riously we are training hard though! struggling like we are, they are yet to Tell me a joke. win a game. I know that the volleyball It is very hard I could tell a geeky physics Have you played the Medics yet girls are doing amazingly in the BUCS one but...OK. Why are quantum this season? Premiership even without their star especially ... when physicists so bad in bed? We actually played them [in ULU] players from the IDEA league last year last night, and that wasn’t a great game in Zurich! a lot of key players Why? for us at all, I am ashamed to say. I am Either they’ve found the not really sure what the score was... 30 How do you think the Impe- have graduated. momentum but they can’t get something 5? [Final score was 28-8]. rial sports teams can survive in the position or they’ve got the When the 1sts do finally win their higher leagues once they have position but they can’t find the first game of the season we will all be gain promotion. momentum! doing the felix page 3! I think it is very hard for those teams, especially us, that have been promoted After the recent football shenani- And finally, the stand- Bearing in mind that you are yet when a lot of key players have gradu- gans, what is your view on the ard question: what is to win a game, how do you fancy ated. It was obvious last year that the matter? orienteering? your chances against the Medics league we were in was too easy for us Well, no-one is more of a fan than I know what orienteering is! this year in Varsity? and we deserved to go up to a league going out with your sports team than We did this in Zurich [at the Well Varsity is a very different game that would be more challenging. This me. On a Wednesday night teams IDEA league last year]. It is erm... Wow! What a view...another cracking photo from Bjoern Lehnert and just because we have not won yet, year we have lost players to injury and should be out but they have taken it you get given a map with posts it doesn’t mean we are not going to be illness hence an inconsistent team. We too far. I think unfortunately it is just that you have to try and find. I any less prepared. I know the girls are also have many postgraduates playing a few people giving the whole club and also know that you shouldn’t wear were the Chere Couloir, with pitches huddled in down jackets and an emer- going to try really hard [pause] and for us that find it very hard to get the the university a bad reputation. ballet pumps while doing it other- of steep 80° ice and the Frontier ridge gency blanket watching the shooting win! time off to play. I think in general that wise you get really bad blisters! (Kuffner Route) which led to the sum- stars and avalanches. This was a fan- the high work load at Imperial means One of the most important things mit of Mont Maudit (4465m). tastic finish to the tour, and I can’t wait I understand you are the club cap- that people find it hard to put as much for the sportsmen/women is Who would you say is your Credit must go to Leon and James to get back out there next summer! tain of the netball club, as well time as they want to into sports. the social side. How is it in the sporting idol? who successfully led the voie normale If you would like to join us for some as being a prominent 1st team netball club? Neil Jenkins, utter legend. My to the summit of Mont Maudit. This more adventures, come along to one of player. How do you think the rest How is the netball club supported Umm, this year I have calmed down Dad used to take me to Car- was their first alpine season, but it cer- our meetings held on Tuesdays at 12:30 of the club is doing? by both Sport Imperial and the a little on the social side, being a ma- diff Arms Park to watch him tainly didn’t show. in dB’s bar in Beit Quad, or get in touch The rest of the club is doing really union? ture final year and all! Although I do play. I have a grog of him and The lacrosse ladies after another successful result in their quest to maintain a 100% record During the final week the fatigue at [email protected]. well this year. The 2nd team are un- Sport Imperial are very generous still maintain my record of not missing everything. defeated apart from one game, but with the amount of court time we get a Wednesday night. I have not been we won’t talk about that as we are not for our BUCS fixtures. It is a shame we to Opal as much for the Daiquiris, or Who do you honestly think happy. We are hoping that they will get cannot fit training in there as well. downed as many pints of wine! The will win the Varsity rugby netball club as a whole loves ACC match in February 2009? Bar Nights and we have several extra IC all the way! They have been events organised by our social sec in- working so hard and they deserve Imperial out-fence King’s to come tops cluding pub golf and tour. it. Of course it will be close but it’s de- ffo our time now. team, the 2nd men’s team, and an uni- Imperial had won the sabre 45-42! The Imperial were trailing by eight points, Do you think the union should Fencing dentified Scandinavian) our sabreurs cheers and applause that ensued even but the match was far from over as it FACT FILE focus on participation in sports or How did the netball vs. rugby (Maiyuran ‘Myron’ Ratneswaran, Jean- brought a curious Neil Mosley, from was now time for our strongest weap- excellence? charity match go this year? Imperial Men’s 1st 127 Romain Cavaillès and Seung-Wook Sport Imperial, into the hall. on to come into play. Name: Colette ‘Spanky- They need to strike a balance. Unfortunately, the match wasn’t as King’s College Men’s 1st 107 ‘Wookie’ Lyeo) could step up to the It was now the foilists’ turn to show The epée team (Alessandro ‘Ale’ successful as last year for various rea- piste with some confidence. that they were made of the same stuff as Costamagna, Marcello ‘I can’t find my Pants’ Emily Gregory Is it being struck? sons. However there is going to be an It was nail-biting stuff from the start, their sabre team-mates. The team (Ed keys’ Colombino and captain Ed ‘Big Team: IC 1st Netball The netball club strives to allow all even bigger and better event next term Indy Leclercq as Myron and Wookie both lost their ‘Little Ed’ Collier, Alex Morris, Chris Ed’ Gilhead) knew that victory by the Position: GA/GS ranges of abilities to participate. You to make up for it. I’m thinking a tour- bouts 5-4, showing that they were Namih and Indy Leclercq) got off to a required margin was well within their could be in the competitive 1st team or nament followed by a social. We can This was the big one. The crunch ready to scrap for every last point. bad start, however, with two 5-2 losses means. Date of Birth: 14/09/1987 just turn up to training and come for get all the sports clubs to join in and match. The one they had to win. Indeed, With the score at 10-8 in favour of for Indy and Namih (who nevertheless However, the King’s team did include Hometown: Quethiock the social side and not play any games enter a team so that as much money as the men’s 1st team had up till now not King’s, Jean-Romain came on and put up a good fight against British no.6 Myron’s older brother Kaj, who could Course: 3rd Year Physics at all. possible is raised for charity. come up against much resistance from completely outclassed his opponent, Ahmed Rosowsky). Alex then lost the have caused some problems. The boys their opponents in the South-East di- winning 7-1 and giving Imperial the next bout 5-1, and at 15-5 down, things were never worried, though, as all three Height: 5ft 10ins Moving on to a more light heart- How would you say the netball vision. Four matches, four comfortable lead. were looking a lot less rosy. were all on sterling form and didn’t lose Weight: 54 kg ed subject, if you weren’t playing club has changed and/or improved wins. King’s, however, was a different Another four bouts saw King’s claw Thankfully, Namih then found some a single match. The score was 15-9 af- netball what would you be doing since your time at IC? story : this was the only other unbeaten back three points to make it 29-27; the form and won his next match 6-2 in a ter the first three bouts, at which point in your spare time? The netball club has become a lot team in the league. The winner of this next bout put them in the lead 35-33 very convincing manner. Unfortunate- they never looked back. Not only a pro-netballer she also takes her drinking Boys! more prominent on the social side of match would have the title firmly in despite a valiant attempt by Wookie to ly, Indy confirmed his disappointing ‘Il capitano’ was on fire, producing a pretty seriously. Pints of wine, cocktails and a sneeky things and we’ve got amazing pink sight. stem the flow of hits. Heroic fencing by start by throwing away the next bout 5-0 win, and Ale and Marcello looked snakey-b would just be a starter in the world of Ms. I was thinking more along the hoodies now. When the King’s delegation trooped Jean-Romain brought the deficit down with some very poor fencing to leave untouchable. The cheers got louder lines of other sports?! into the sports hall at 2pm, Imperial to one point, and with the score at 39- the score at 16-25. after every point, and when Marcello Gregory. Her prominence in the Netball Club has Oh, whoops! I think I would make In the unfortunate even of knew they were in for a tough fight: 40 (and absolutely everyone holding Wins by little Ed (who was subbed got the last hit, making it 45-20, scenes allowed the club to grow from strength to strength and an excellent synchronised swimmer or you not winning a match all of the opposing team’s best fencers, their breath) Myron stepped his game in) and Namih reduced the margin to of unbridled joy unfolded in the sports big ideas for the club are in the pipeline. Her continued maybe shot-put! this year, will you still hon- our the netball pledge to some in the British top 10, were present up another level. 5 points, but Rosowsky left nothing to hall. Final score: Imperial win 124 involvement in Union life has made her a trademark on and rearing to go. However, backed by A sublime parry-riposte with one chance and finished off the match with – 107. Can you explain the nickname grace the centrefold of felix? a vociferous and plentiful home crowd foot off the back of the piste concluded clinical efficiency. Final score : 45-34 in We’re now top of the league, and the court and in the bars. ‘Spanky-Pants’? If enough people want it then I might (composed of most of the women’s a resounding 6-2 win and meant that favour of King’s. having a good, long, laugh. Mercello Colombino in action It is becoming a bit of a mini tradi- be persuaded... 34 felix Friday 5 December 2008 Friday 5 December 2008 felix 35 Sport [email protected] [email protected] Sport discDoctors head north for Nationals DeIViants Maintain Unbeaten Away Record to Quickie’s shot being saved only for pressure. Sports league Hockey Matt Tow couldn’t pull ourselves back from the Freedom Pass to steam in and tuck Curb Crawler and Sticky Situation early deficit. away the rebound for his first DeIViant were both frustrating the George’s at- Team P W D L F A Diff % FI Imperial Men’s 4th XI 4 Qualifying 4th at the regionals, nar- goal: 1-0. IC kept piling on the pressure tack with some excellent interventions rowly missing a spot in Division 1, vs Cobras (Chichester): 11-3 St George’s Men’s 2nd XI 0 with Premature Withdrawal and Free and Oedipus, now seemingly happy 1 Squash Men's 1st 7 7 0 0 30 5 25 100 5.00 Imperials Ultimate Frisbee team, the It was disappointing to travel so far Willy stretching the George’s defence with the direction we were playing, 2 Volleyball Women's 1st 5 5 0 0 10 0 10 100 5.00 discDoctors (dD), headed to Manches- to play Chichester, another South-East with searching runs down the wings. was a central defensive wall. Excellent 3 Fencing Men's 1st 5 5 0 0 664 387 277 100 5.00 ter for the University Indoor Nationals team, especially after having played Featherlite Tracy hit his first of three posts with controlling central midfield play from 4 Tennis Men's 1st 5 5 0 0 41 9 32 100 5.00 Division 2. them at every tournament so far this an ambitious reverse-stick shot. De- Fourplay, Mr Pacman and Quickie, as 5 Lacrosse Women's 1st 5 5 0 0 65 20 45 100 5.00 The team: Pyro (C), Finnish, Rosie, year. They’d looked weak at regionals, With goalkeeper Cotton-Eye-Joe un- fensively the DeIViants looked solid. well as some impressive growling from 6 ICSM Badminton Men's 1st 3 3 0 0 16 8 8 100 5.00 Ed, Magnet, Mythago Jon and Tow. and with a depleted team looked even available due to a viva (quite important Easy Access, Stubble Rash and Oedi- Santa’s Little Helper and some frankly 7 Badminton Men's 1st 7 5 2 0 40 16 24 71 4.14 After five gruelling hours on the moreso in Manchester. dD won com- apparently) what were the DeIViants pus were marking the George’s attack wild diving from Freedom Pass, turned 8 Hockey Men's 1st 7 6 0 1 41 11 30 86 3.71 coach, we arrived in Manchester fortably without any hitches. to do? No magic stick, no pink slipper out of the game leaving Featherlite free the tables and the final quarter of the 9 Netball 2nd 7 6 0 1 262 134 128 86 3.71 and headed to meet our host for the – not good. Dirty Sheets deputised in to roam and bawl his head off. George’s game was all IC. 10 ICSM Netball 3rd 6 5 0 1 198 117 81 83 3.50 weekend. vs Fish (Lancaster): 10-5 goal - the name didn’t bode well but only real chance came when Oedipus Random Fresher no. 6 created some 11 Squash Men's 2nd 5 4 0 1 17 6 11 80 3.20 We weren’t sure what to expect hav- those in-the-know knew otherwise. forgot which direction he was playing good chances and came close, Tracy 12 Fencing Women's 1st 5 4 0 1 659 553 106 80 3.20 SATURDAY ing never played Fish before. They Captain Mr Pacman tried to make and put their striker clean through. continued to try to break the goal 13 Table Tennis Men's 1st 7 5 0 2 77 42 35 71 2.43 Our venue was the Manchester Ve- were top of the pool, so we expected things worse by producing directions The crisis was averted by an excellent frame and Quickie was a whisker away 14 ICSM Netball 2nd 6 4 0 2 192 117 75 67 2.00 lodrome, an awesome location with a a tough match. We knew that if we to a pitch in Surbiton, which ended on sliding save by Dirty Sheets and Feath- from a well-worked short corner. 15 ICSM Football Men's 1st 6 4 0 2 12 10 2 67 2.00 central area for pitches surrounded by won, we would overtake them, so we a road in Clapham. Nonetheless the erlite frantically clearing the follow-up. Finally, Mr Pacman made it 4-0 and 16 Basketball Men's 1st 3 2 0 1 228 154 74 67 2.00 the cycling track. started strong and maintained our DeIViants made it there, early: things Order was restored soon after when put the game beyond doubt with an- 17 Fencing Men's 2nd 3 2 0 1 365 328 37 67 2.00 lead throughout. We used our zone-D were looking up! Tracy contrived not to hit the post and other almost lackadaisical but accurate 18 Hockey Men's 3rd 5 2 2 1 10 5 5 40 2.00 vs Random Fling (Nottingham): 5-8 to great effect, forcing turnovers and The DeIViants controlled the first put the DeIViants 2-0 up at half time. short corner. At the final whistle, the 19 Hockey Men's 2nd 8 5 0 3 32 22 10 63 1.63 dD started sluggishly and fell behind. outmatching them on O. We were now half thanks in great part to Fourplay, George’s came out fired up for the DeIViants maintained their unbeat- 20 Rugby Union Men's 3rd 5 3 0 2 119 75 44 60 1.40 We traded points towards the end, but guaranteed a top 8 finish. Mr Pacman and Santa’s Little Helper’s second half. Mr Pacman calmly slot- en record on the road and soon after 21 Hockey Women's 1st 7 4 0 3 23 17 6 57 1.14 dominance in central midfield. After ting home a short corner two minutes learnt Cotton-Eye-Joe was now Dr 22 Basketball Women's 1st 7 4 0 3 326 309 17 57 1.14 ten minutes a slick interplay in at- in to make it 3-0 but IC were still un- Cotton-Eye-Joe to round off an excel- 23 Rugby Union Men's 2nd 7 4 0 3 175 146 29 57 1.14 The disc Doctors prepare for ‘throw off’ in the Nationals in their loud but intimidating kit. tack between Tracy and Quickie led der the cosh and soaking up George’s lent afternoon. 24 Squash Women's 1st 8 1 5 2 15 21 -6 13 0.88 25 ICSM Hockey Women's 1st 5 2 1 2 17 11 6 40 0.80 26 Squash Men's 3rd 4 2 0 2 6 6 0 50 0.50 vs BUF (Oxford Brookes): 6-5 when he attempted a dance-off with a the better team. They broke down our 27 Lacrosse Men's 1st 2 1 0 1 21 21 0 50 0.50 Winning this match meant a guar- breakdancer. Despite Finnish’s usual zone-D, and some clinical offense and 28 ICSM Hockey Women's 2nd 6 2 1 3 16 19 -3 33 0.00 anteed top 4 finish. Last year BUF tractor-like pull with the ladies, Pyro tight D saw them leading throughout. 29 Badminton Men's 2nd 4 1 1 2 15 17 -2 25 -0.25 beat us soundly and went on to win wasn’t about to let that happen in his 30 Hockey Men's 4th 4 1 1 2 7 19 -12 25 -0.25 the tournament, so we expected a backyard (the north) and swept our vs DUF (Durham): 5-4 31 Tennis Women's 1st 5 2 0 3 22 28 -6 40 -0.40 gruelling contest. We were really up host off her feet. As always, dD were Our final match for a podium fin- 32 Football Men's 1st 7 2 1 4 13 18 -5 29 -0.57 for this game, and while everyone got the ‘ultimate’ party animals, and par- ish (3rd vs. 4th). We were all up for 33 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 1st 8 3 0 5 169 222 -53 38 -0.63 psyched, I resorted to getting high on tied till closing. Aside from a couple this one and it showed. We fell behind 34 Badminton Women's 1st 6 2 0 4 22 26 -4 33 -1.00 random energy gel. dD took a 4-1 lead Bath players, all the other teams had 0-2 but pulled together, showed some 35 Volleyball Men's 1st 6 2 0 4 4 8 -4 33 -1.00 through some massive grabs and sexy gone home. heart and fought back. I recall some of 36 Football Men's 2nd 6 2 0 4 14 23 -9 33 -1.00 offense against their zone-D, but they the biggest grabs of the weekend, and 37 Football Women's 1st 6 2 0 4 10 21 -11 33 -1.00 dug deep and caught up, but for every SUNDAY some of the hardest man-D I’ve seen, 38 Tennis Men's 2nd 5 1 1 3 19 31 -12 20 -1.00 hard-fought point they scored, we re- We were fortunate to start at noon; and played, in ages. This game went to 39 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 2nd 7 2 0 5 75 126 -51 29 -1.43 sponded quickly and we finished 1 necessary to sleep off the alcohol from the wire; a perfect way to end an epic 40 ICSM Hockey Men's 2nd 8 2 0 6 13 12 1 25 -1.75 point ahead. the night before. Also, to sleep off some tournament. 41 ICSM Rugby Union Men's 3rd 4 1 0 3 27 98 -71 25 -1.75 late-night terrorizing from Chiches- 42 Netball 3rd 5 1 0 4 55 182 -127 20 -2.20 SATURDAY NIGHT ter, who’d stayed in the same house, And so dD finished 3rd at Nationals 43 Football Men's 3rd 5 1 0 4 7 19 -12 20 -2.20 We planned to go for dinner followed which included the licking of sleeping Division 2. For consecutive years, we 44 ICSM Netball 1st 7 1 0 6 159 281 -122 14 -2.71 by SingStar at one of the hosts’ houses Mythago Jon’s face and the stacking were the only South-East team to fin- 45 ICSM Hockey Men's 1st 7 1 0 6 12 23 -11 14 -2.71 before the traditional Saturday night of clothes, pots and pans on top of a ish in the top half. 46 Hockey Women's 2nd 7 1 0 6 7 32 -25 14 -2.71 party. However, “we weren’t allowed sleeping Rosie. Magnet was MVP for his solid O & 47 ICSM Badminton Women's 1st 6 0 1 5 7 42 -35 0 -3.00 to”, as the host who had SingStar was D, and ridiculous aerial superiority. 48 Rugby Union Women's 1st 1 0 0 1 0 80 -80 0 -4.00 host to BUF. It seemed they harboured vs Dark Horses (Strathclyde): 5-11 That being said, everyone else played 49 Table Tennis Women's 1st 2 0 0 2 3 7 -4 0 -4.00 some resentment and were adamant Horses were the eventual tourna- incredibly too. We played our hardest, 50 ICSM Hockey Women's 3rd 4 0 0 4 3 29 -26 0 -4.00 about not wanting to hang out with ment winners, so there was no shame and most importantly, as a team. We 51 ICSM Hockey Men's 3rd 3 0 0 3 0 11 -11 0 -4.00 dD. in losing. I think we were feeling the were spirited and intense, exactly how 52 Rugby Union Men's 4th 6 0 0 6 66 300 -234 0 -4.00 We headed to a nearby pub for food aftermath of the night before, and a university team should be. We did so 53 ICSM Football Men's 2nd 4 0 0 4 1 16 -15 0 -4.00 and some chilling, and then headed to some wobbly throws and shaky hands well and we can all be proud of how we 54 Netball 1st 7 0 0 7 137 271 -134 0 -4.00 techno-club Baa-Bar. Finnish imme- saw Horses quickly take the lead. The played. The DeIViants are in high spirits after their well deserved and hard earned victory against St George’s 55 Rugby Union Men's 1st 7 0 0 7 70 275 -205 0 -4.00 diately took to wooing the ladies with match was much tighter than the score Outdoor regionals are fast-approach- A member of dD imposing some impressive zone-D on the opposition his trademark dance moves, but erred indicates, but ultimately, they were ing, so watch this space… Crossword No. 1,418 Answers to: [email protected]

in association with Sports Partnership 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Fixtures & Results Across Down Well done to Möchten sie mein 9 9 Manschaft? who are using their Saturday 29th November Men’s 7s ULU 3-0 Imperial Medicals 4’s ULU Saturday 6th December Netball Hockey 1 Making noise (5) 1Police officer at East Germany before new cryptic crossword specialist to Football Football ULU Cup Men’s 2s ULU vs King’s College Medicals 2s ULU 10 11 4 Fellow put to rest by man of the cloth serving time (8) the best of their ability. It’s becom- Men’s 1s ULU 1-4 Queen Mary 1s ULU Hockey Men’s 3s ULU vs London South Bank 1s ULU Women’s 1s ULU vs King’s College Medicals 2s ULU Men’s 3rd vs University of Reading 4th (8) 2 Settle in a seat at the theatre (7) ing remarkably close at the top of the Men’s 3s ULU 2-3 Royal Holloway 3s ULU Men’s 2nd 4-0 Queen Mary 1st Men’s 4s ULU vs Imperial College 5s ULU Women’s 1st vs University of Reading 1st 11 12 10 Garbage collectors strike must end 3 Willing to participate in an activity of FUCWIT league so the need to enter Men’s 4s ULU 1-2 UCL 5s ULU Men’s 3rd 3-1 University of Reading 4th Men’s 6s ULU vs SSEES 1s ULU Women’s 3s ULU vs King’s College 5s ULU (7) some kind (4) as quickly as possible is imperative. Men’s 5s ULU 0-2 UCL 6s ULU Women’s 1st 1-3 University of Reading 1st Men’s 7s ULU vs St Barts 4 ULU Lacrosse 12 13 14 11 A position following Diana with 5 Chain diner to have to collapse, Especially as this cryptic is worth Men’s 6s ULU 5-0 King’s College Medicals 5s ULU Women’s 2nd 1-7 University of Portsmouth 2nd Squash Men’s 1st vs Canterbury Christ Church Uni 1st regards to fat (7) linked to medical problem (5,9) double points! To make it easy for Men’s 7s ULU 1-4 Goldsmiths 3s ULU Sunday 7th December Men’s 1s ULU vs King’s College 1s ULU Women’s 1st vs Royal Holloway 1st 15 14 15 16 12 Indicate support for a sexually- 6 French bread produces an unpleasant you kind readers we have decided to Netball Hockey Men’s 2s ULU vs UCL 1s ULU Rugby transmitted disease (4) sensation (4) make this week’s easier. After all it’s Monday 1st December Women’s 1st 8-52 University of Hertfordshire 1st ULU Cup Women’s 1s ULU vs SOAS 1s ULU BUCS Cup 17 13 Record information on a Western 7 Beginnings of a voodoo spell have Christmas. Netball Women’s 2nd 76-7 Imperial College 3rd Men’s 4s ULU vs University of the Arts 1s ULU Men’s 2nd vs Kingston University 1st custom (5) bounder becoming a dull shade of Enoch Women’s 1s ULU 8-28 Imperial Medicals 1s ULU Volleyball 17 18 19 18 14 Displaying caution in the interwar green (7) Women’s 2s ULU 32-10 King’s College Medicals ULU Rugby Rugby Mixed 1s ULU vs Royal Holloway 1s ULU Men’s 1st vs Oxford Brookes University 1st years (4) 8 Known, before she got married to Solution 1,417 Men’s 1st 7-20 UWE Bristol 1st Women’s 1s ULU vs King’s College 1s ULU Water Polo Men’s 3rd vs Imperial Medicals 3rd 17 Hostile views on revolutionary means David Yelland, as desperate (5) 14 19 20 21 P R F L A B B E R G A S T E D Men’s 2nd 53-15 Middlesex University 1st Mixed 1s ULU vs St Barts 1s ULU of entertainment (10,4) 9 Foundations fracture and rust in Squash Squash O N U O M N H A E N U R I A Men’s 3s ULU 3-2 RUMS 1s ULU Men’s 4th 5-83 St Mary’s University 3rd Men’s 1st vs University of Surrey 1st Monday 8th December 21 22 19 Industrial technique to regulate dust chaos (14) A A R O N D H A M S T R I N G Women’s 1st vs LSE 1st Badminton Wednesday 10th December comparison (4, 10) 15 A large sailor’s way of saying hello (5) C E L T E E Y S U I O O D O U Wednesday 3rd December Squash ULU Cup Badminton 22 23 24 22 Slowly drink infected piss (4) 16 Detective in Drama School C R O S S E D T S I N C E R E Basketball Men’s 1st 4-1 UCL 1st Mixed 1s ULU vs LSE 1s ULU Men’s 1st vs LSE 1st Table Tennis 23 Severe gash in Emergency Room (5) protection charity (5) I N E I S R U N A Y A N E R Women’s 1st 41-50 Roehampton University 1st Women’s 1st 2-2 University of Reading 1st Women’s 1st vs LSE 1st Men’s 1st vs Brunel University 1st 25 25 26 24 Light sketch of Southern uniform (4) 18 Case is in position (8) D O G M A E A L M A M A T E R Basketball 27 Flat bit of country ale put a wind up... 20 Primate swallows legumes to calm E U C E E N T U S O A P E E N A K E D N E S S G E C K O Football Tennis ULU Cup Basketball Tennis 27 28 (7) down (7) P Men’s 1st 3-2 Brunel University 3rd Men’s 2nd 3-7 Roehampton University 1st Men’s 2nd ULU vs Imperial Men’s 1s ULU Men’s 1st vs Kingston University 2nd Men’s 1st vs University of Reading 1st 28 ...empty portion of speech (7) 21 Slight suspicion concealed by talking T R E U I C L E T A E I Y T Men’s 2nd 4-1 University of Greenwich 3rd Women’s 1st 8-2 LSE 1st Women’s 1s ULU vs Imperial Medicals 1s ULU Women’s 1st vs Brunel University 1st 29 Greeting current fashions means... (8) in Klingon (7) P L E A S E S E A T R O P H Y Men’s 3rd 2-3 Roehampton University 3rd Football 30 ...to be embracing of some ugliness to 22 Brown colour made from sap, for R E N A T L C O N I M I R E P Women’s 1st 2-1 Roehampton University 1st BUCS Cup Volleyball sound the march forward (5) instance (5) O V E R U S I N G R A G I L E 29 30 E Men’s 4s ULU 1-0 LSE 5s ULU Men’s 3rd vs Canterbury Christ Church Uni 4th Men’s 1st vs University of Essex 1st 25 Cheesy twist of fate (4) N T S E R F A C R N L O G 26 Paint a bud in development (4) E S T A B L I S H M E N T A D Send in your sport reports: [email protected] felix sport High resolution photos only

Photograph by Bjoern Lehnert Outdoors in France

Jonathan Phillips & Rob Porter record at the time, turned out to be un- Alpine huts. It was from here that the eventful and quite dull. The other team group divided into smaller teams. A cold old After the twenty hour journey from decided to descend the Vallée Blanche. One team headed off to Italy on the London, it was quite a relief to be fi- This had sounded like a good idea at and successfully reached the summit nally stepping off the bus as we digest- the top, but it soon became less so. Af- the Dent du Géant (4013m) and also week! ed our first views of Chamonix, our ter some delicate down-climbing, fall- investigated the Arete de Rochefort. Jack Cornish & home for the next six weeks. ing through snow bridges, and avoiding The other team attempted the Midi Mustapher Botchway The first thing we saw was a McDon- multi-tonne blocks of ice falling across Plan traverse however turned back due Sports Editors alds. It wasn’t very French but the plac- the route in an epic adventure that In- to poor snow conditions. As a consola- es we stopped by on the journey hadn’t diana Jones would have been proud of, tion they climbed the Rébuffat on the sold anything in the way of real food. we made it back to the campsite. South Face of the Midi, and managed After surviving the journey on choco- After that character building day out to fit in some glorious rock climbing late, ice cream and a tin of pâté, a Mc- some bad weather prevented us from on lovely Chamonix granite. This week we have moved on from the means detracts from the fact that they Donalds breakfast seemed like luxury. returning up high and so a few days An attempt was made on Mont Blanc rugby boys and met the IC netball cap- have experienced recent successes and The first few days saw us finding our were spent recuperating in the valley. at this time; however lightning and a tain, Colette Gregory. I think you will are currently joint top of felix sports feet and finding what Chamonix had to Coinciding with our tour, the Climb- blizzard caused the team to retreat. agree that she provided some interest- table. A special mention to the ICSM offer. Once the supermarkets, Maison ing World Cup was being held in town, In the third week of our stay we were ing and yet very entertaining answers badminton men’s 1st team who are de Guides and pub had been located with both leading ability and speed told about a memorial lecture for Sir in her interview with Jack. also top and beating their college coun- we went off for an acclimatisation climbing being tested in separate Edmund Hillary, who had died earlier On a week where the temperature terparts. Only time will tell if they can climb up on l’Index. events. China did extremely well in the in the year. Seeing as this coincided dropped dramatically, we have seen keep it up as they play more games. The ascent was easy as fortunately speed climbing with one of their team with a couple of days of bad weather, many matches postponed/abandoned This paragraph is now going to focus there is a cable car most of the way, climbing 15m in 7.97 seconds. we decided to go along. due to frozen pitches and other similar on what we politely require from you. topping out with a scramble up to During the spells of bad weather The three speakers were each a circumstances. Firstly, in order for the table to be as 2600m. This felt quite high at the time, the team spent time at the many sport part of climbing legend, playing ma- This leads nicely on to the ACC bar representative as possible we need to at least compared to anything in Brit- climbing crags along the Chamonix jor roles in historic climbing events. night on Wednesday. Except for the make sure that all results are in to Al- ain, but we had much grander aspira- valley. This gave us a chance to explore They were Maurice Herzog, George frozen gas regulator at the bar which issa Ayling (Sport Imperial) as soon as tions. After descending, plans were and we even walked to Switzerland one Band and Doug Scott CBE who were put the free beers on hiatus for a short possible. At the time of going to print, made to move our camp up to the day to get at some more crags! Every the first man to climb an 8000m peak, while, we are both sure that all the we are still missing a few results, which Vallée Blanche glacier where the team imaginable style of route was available the youngest person on Everest with sports teams enjoyed themselves and definitely have an impact on the table. would spend the next few days. from crack climbing or friction slab to Hillary and Tenzing and the first Brit spectacles such as the infamous boat So get your results in and you can be The team went for a quick acclima- steep overhanging routes, in grades to climb Everest respectively. It was race are sure to be repeated in the up- sure that the most deserving teams and tisation climb up the Cosmique Arete, to suit any level of experience. It’s no a privilege to hear these men speak coming bar nights. clubs will be rewarded! Another re- a popular mixed snow and rock route wonder that Chamonix is so popular. about their experiences in the moun- Gracing the sports pages this week quest is hi-resolution photos to accom- up to the Midi cable car station, before We got back up high when the tains, and spurred us on the bigger and are reports from fencing, the outdoors pany your reports! They need to be at descending back down to camp. weather cleared, and established a new greater things during our trip. club, lacrosse and ultimate frisbee, least 1MB in size (for the back page - The team split up the next day. One camp on the glacier. By this time there The team now made an attempt on which barring the hockey report are though this is a basic requirement). team chose the voie normale on Mont was quite a community up there, with Mont Blanc (4807m), this time up the some of the smaller sports and ac- Get snapping, get winning and get Blanc du Tacul (4248m), which despite many other climbers choosing the eco- tivities amongst Imperial. This by no drinking! pushing some to their personal altitude nomical option over the comfort of the Continued on page 32