The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper issue 1054 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 13 MARCH 2003 free
THE DAVE PROJECT The last chance to take part in the Student “sees visions” in new DAVE project as it closes its doors for this semester and academic business management school year. Full details of all the remain- ing modules | FIRST YEAR BUSINESS Management Students page 13 may be so desperate to see the opening of their new building that they may be THE INTERNATIONAL GALA “imagining” its contents, it was revealed this week. For the 2004-5 University of A collage of the Surrey Prospectus has been published and best moments its contents include a quote from a student from last week’s describing its as yet unfinished contents. internationl gala Mike Ferguson, First Year Business - the spectacle at Management Student, is quoted in the which interna- “Student View” section as saying: “The tional societies brand new management school... provides display their all the facilities for an enjoyable learning culture, dance experience.” Yet the reality – as barefacts and colourful reported at the start of each semester - is an Above: the UniS prospectus and a possible reason the managment building isn’t yet finished Photo : Chris Hunter clothes | page 12 empty shell, late in completion by some10 months. The publication has angered many pocket expenditure, fees paid including saying ‘I was offered Oxford, I was offered IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER Business Students, who were promised their fees for period of repeat study and loss of Cambridge, but it had to be Walsall’ [where new building over 2 semesters ago. opportunity, the six students were awarded the university has a campus].” Lights. Camera. Action. The Prospectus - the glossy brochure approximately £70,000.00 plus legal costs. The National Union of Students (NUS) designed to lure prospective students to In a case last year, a law student who was said students had the right to expect high Another update on the campaign pushing Surrey - is usually packed with claims about unhappy with the quality of teaching on his standards. for better safety provision over in the un- facilities and services, and such statements university course in Wolverhampton and “It is outrageous to think that Universities derpasses off campus News | page 5 are usually acceptable, but universities are eventually won £30,000 in an out-of-court are now advertising facilities that aren’t yet The worthless degree having to become increasingly careful about settlement. The University settled after a built. These case highlights problems that Recent research has shown that degrees in the claims they make in their literature preliminary hearing had been adjourned the NUS Legal Unit is all too aware of,” the Arts result in lower wages than post A- following recent legal judgements. until October. Lawyers said mature student said NUS president Mandy Telford. level school-leavers News | page 2 Earlier this month a group of students were Mike Austen, 54, had struck a blow for all “Students are getting into record levels awarded damages for disappointment and students who had to pay for their education. of debt to pay for their education and are The best advice you’ll ever get stress as resultof a Higher Education College Mr Austen claimed the course had failed to entitled to high quality provision.” Morgan Gooch tells everyone to not panic failing to provide the proper programme of live up to the “inflated” picture it gave of study it had promised. itself in its prospectus. - unless you happen to be in the One Stop INSIDE shop on campus Opinion | page 11 In an area of the law previously applied “The university made claims about its in ruined holiday cases, the disappointment standards and it represented itself as a place barefacts believes: at the rate things are A glimpse of George Clooney element alone awarded the 6 students £2000 of ‘learning excellence’,” Mr Austen said. going, it might not be ready by 2004. UniS A review of Steven Soderbergh’s new each. In addition to awarding damages for “The most laughable was a CD Rom which has plenty of things otherwise to say... movie Solaris and the ten best film quotes, other heads of damage including out of the university published with a student in the world, ever! barearts | page 10 On the stage Stones In His Pockets and The Lion King Students’ Union annual elections results announced reviews from the theatre team, as well as previews for next week barearts | page 14 THE RESULTS OF the USSU elections were announced last Friday and herald the next Slurrey Stingers final match generation of sabbaticals (left) and repre- A match report from last game of the sentatives to work at the Students’ Union American Football team of UniS season during the next academic year. against UEA pirates Sport | page 24 In the sabbatical elections, there were no great surprises as each successful candidate registers a healthy majority.
INSIDE
the results of the sabbatical and NUS del- egate elections in full, as well as quotes and pictures from the results evening | page 3
the rhetoric of student democracy: Rich Watts wonders whether it really is just one Photo: Scott Geary big popularity contest Opinion | page 7 2 NEWS 13 March 2003 Arts degree reduces earnings USSU WAP site up and running Graduates earn less than those with 2 A-levels Technology knocks on the door of the Students’ Union
FIGURES RELEASED RECENTLy have shown BY RICHARD WATTS BY RICHARD WAINWRIGHT In order to take advantage of these powerfull that a degree in an arts subject reduces the WAP SPECIALIST EXTRAORDINAIRE new toys, grab you mobile and go to your average earnings to below those of someone good investment. But, although on average WAP browser. Called web services on some who leaves school with just A-levels. the rates of return on this investment are HAVE YOU EVER sat in the pub, wondering mobiles. If you don’t know how to use it, Graduates in subjects such as English, high, the variance is enormous - some do what is happening in the Union tonight? grab a clever mate or shock horror... the history and music could expect to make extremely well, some don’t do well at all. No barefacts to hand? Not even access to manual. Now enter http://wap.ussu.co.uk/ between 2% and 10% less than those who Professor Walker’s findings are based on the ussu.co.uk? Well grab your mobile, because into your bookmarks, hit go, and with a bit quit education at 18, a study at Warwick government’s Labour Force Survey figures WAP, and more precisely wap.ussu.co.uk, of luck, the USSU logo will spring onto the University has revealed. from 1993 to 2001. They are published in comes to the rescue. screen of your mobile. The findings come despite data showing the latest issue of Labour Market Trends. Using your mobile, you can now; From the menu, you can follow GU2 for the average university leaver earns • find out what is going on in the union the radio information, Barefacts to send a £220,000 more than non-graduates during tonight, tomorrow, for the next 7 days. personal (will need an email address), and their working life, a figure widely by the • get the phone numbers for union reception, Ents for information on entertainments. government in defence of their graduate and your lovely Sabbaticals Information on contacting reception, and the tax and funding options. According to • see who is currently presenting on GU2, Sabbaticals can be found also. the BBC’s website, he leader of the study, and get the studio number for requestsand Unfortuantly this site may not work first Professor Ian Walker, said: “Feeling warm more importantly.. time on your mobile, so if you have any about literature doesn’t pay the rent. Maybe • σend a personal to this very paper, making problems, go to http://bb.ussu.co.uk/ and an average arts student knows he or she is sure the whole world knows about peoples scroll down to tech discussions. There is a not going to do very well. Maybe they do indiscretions wap.ussu.co.uk thread to help you out. not. Education is a risk individuals take. We need to make sure people have the correct perceptions.” It was found that aw graduates earn more Bath overflows onto second campus than those who left education after A-levels, earning around 27% more on average. BY PHILIP HOWARD Furthermore, medicine, mathematics and NEWS EDITOR students also earn as much. The government announced earlier this THE VICE CHANCELLOR of Bath University, year that the maximum annual tuition fee for Glynis Breakwell, has received the go- higher education would rise to £3,000 from ahead for plans for a £200m campus in 2006. The current figure is £1,100. The Swindon from Margaret Hodge, higher National Union of Students has estimated education minister. Hodge said that the some graduates could be left with debts, campus would create 600 academic jobs by including living costs, of £30,000 before 2010, doubling the university’s capacity of staring work. 8,000 students. The new campus comes after Professor Walker feels this may persuade Bath signed a deal with Swindon Borough students away from less lucrative degrees. Council to bring HE to Swindon in return He said: “These are variances that might for the sites and buildings to house the new make people change their subject mix in campus. Swindon suffers from not having a future. An average degree is still a very Graphs courtesy of www.bbc.co.uk university with a 30 mile radius, and the
Above: UniS’ Manor Park plans. Top: VC Breakwell campus plans come as a follow-on to a modest adult-learners site that Bath opened in 2000. Breakwell said “We want to make sure that we are a university of the 21st century, not one based on the assumption of the 19th century”. Market research predicts that 2,400 of the 8,00 for which there is a demand will come from local schools. Bath is similar in many ways to Surrey, as a university that has traditionally been science and engineering based, and grew from a 19th centure institute – Bath traces its roots to Bristol Trade School, est. 1856. The two universities are a similar size, and both became universities in 1966. Bath has done well recently, getting a placing of 4th behind Oxbridge and Imperial in The Times Good University Guide. 72% of staff are working in research departments which gained a 5 or 5* in the last RAE assessment, and the number of application has risen by 9.3% this year. Bath has yet to quieten its current students, however, after cutting lecture time by 20% due to recent expansion making it “increasingly difficult to timetable in an educationally or socially acceptable manner”. 13 March 2003 ELECTIONS NEWS 3 Union election results announced after worrying delay The next generation is revealed to the student population
THE RESULTS OF this year’s USSU elections BY RICHARD WATTS were announced last Friday following two weeks of intense campaigning and several offered his commiserations to his opponents, hours of anxious waiting. Announced to a particularly Natalie Tarrant, and suggested it half-full Chancellor’s, the next sabbatical would have been a harder fight if they could team was introduced, as well as the result have campaigned as much as he managed. of the NUS referendum and the members of The position of VP Education & Welfare the delegation to be sent to the NUS’ annual once again has gone to a second year conference later on this month. psychology student who will be a sabbatical In the sabbatical elections, which determine for their placement year. Claire Iles, the five people that will be responsible who was involved with the Are You OK? for running the Students’ Union next year awareness week nearer the start of the term, and act as representatives for the student beat her opponent Luke Jefferies and said: population of UniS, the results came of no “I’m extremely excited and really happy.” real surprise. Elected as president, with a When asked about the current Lights. majority of 276 over the other candidate Camera. Action. campaign, she said that Paul Canning, Pete Tivers proved the theme we “have to keep pushing it and keep trying of his campaign materials right by becoming and hopefully build on what has been done “The People’s President.” He said moments already.” after the result: “I’m pretty pleased I won, Returning officer Jim Dickinson, the man in otherwise I’d have struggled with the rest of charge of this year’s elections, said: “It has my degree. It has been really hard work, but been an exciting and well-fought election. I’m really happy.” The candidates have done extremely well in Clockwise from above: elections officials reading out the In the position of Vice President getting their message out there and, looking results; the elected officers celebrate; one of the vote-counters shows what he thought of the counting process; elections of- Communications & Marketing, a series of at them, I’m sure they are going to deliver ficials preparing to read out the results. late objections proved not to alter the result, quality representation and fantastic services and Sarah Butterworth, the current editor not just for the students of next year, but for “It will be an interesting month. There are of barefacts, won convincingly. “I’ve had ears to come.” a lot of new projects and schemes that the one of the best week’s of my life doing this. The deputy returning officer, Scott Farmer, Union has begun that the new team will I’ve had a fantastic campaign team and I’m was responsible much more for the day-to- have to become familiar with and so there definitely looking forward to next year.” day running of things and was happy just will a lot to pack in to those four weeks.” Chris Hunter, who was the only candidate that the elections were finally over: “It’s Current vice president communications & for the position of Vice President Societies been tough going, but it has been really marketing, Rich Watts, added: “It will be & Culture, said he was happy with his good. I’m relieved its over.” nice to see it from the other side. A lot of the campaign and the elections in general: “It The elections process for this year was things the candidates said in their manifestos was definitely worth the effort of the last altered somewhat from last year, generating are part of the longer-term objectives of the two weeks without doubt. Obviously, next criticism both from those taking part in Union, so it will be good to see how those year is going to be quite challenging but I the elections and those watching from goals can start to be achieved.” want that challenge.” Highlighting one of the sidelines. Much debate was caused The NUS affiliation question – should his manifesto pledges, the VP-elect said: by the appearance of only A5 manifestos USSU remain affiliated to the National www.funkyberry.com “I want to work hard with the societies’ in the barefacts elections special, as well Union of Students? – proved to be the websites. Until then, I’ll still be taking as perceived restrictions on the forms of usual exercise in majority results with 90% photos for my website and for barefacts.” campaigning candidates could do via the of voters deciding to remain in the NUS. The position of VP Sports promised to be internet. “There are a few changes I’ve been This represents an 8% swing since the last the closest of the five positions and this was going through in my head,” said Mr Farmer, referendum and was due, it is believed, to shown to be the case in the results. With “and I’ll be taking those to the new team in the presence, at least, of a “No” campaign, a quota to win of 535, Dave Chapman just due course, as well as the returning officer, something lacking from any previous vote. managed to register enough votes to win in whoever that turns out to be next year.” The NUS delegation vote proved to the first round of counting, posting a total The successful candidates must now put be the most complicated and was what of 547, ahead of Natalie Tarrant on 336 and the elections behind them in order to finish ultimately caused the delay in the results Paul Stack on 160. off their respective years. They will begin being announced. Seven rounds of transfers “Chops,” as he is more commonly known working with the current sabbatical team were required to finally determine the seven commented that he was “delighted to have during a month’s handover in June and people that will be going to Blackpool to the position” and that the result was “a good will officially take office at the start of July represent USSU at NUS national conference. one.” Talking of the team he is now to work when the current team’s year finally ends. They are Paul Canning, Charlotte Dawson, with, he said: “I’ve known Pete [Tivers] Speaking of the handover period, Paul Paul Wright, Maria Nikita, Simon Tinsley, since my foundation year – three and a half Wright, the Union President, said: Toni Borneo and Mark Freedman. year – and am on Claire [Iles] course.” He NUS referendum VP Communications & Marketing VP Societies & Culture
Yes 1021 James Whitehurst 280 Chris Hunter 841
No 84 Sarah Butterworth 707 RON 202
Spoilt Vote 0 RON 66 VP Sports
President VP Education & Welfare David Chapman 547
Paul Canning 368 Claire Iles 711 Natalie Tarrant 336
Pete Tivers 644 Luke Jefferies 316 Paul Stack 160
RON 57 RON 43 RON 26 4 NEWS 13 March 2003 Government’s White Paper research out of date Fair Trade on
SOME OF THE research on which the White BY PHILIP HOWARD which of course cannot go on all over the Paper bases its claims for separation of place. But there is a very large amount of campus teaching from research is claimed to be over the study in good faith, but crucially missed small scale inexpensive research which 20 years out of date. Academic secretary of the fact that it was not a predictor. Said can and should continue across the sector. BY PHILIP HOWARD the British Educational Research Association Bassey: “While I doubt this was a deliberate This is a crucial distinction the government NEWS EDITOR Michael Bassey said that the research, attempt to mislead, the use of this paper to seems to have failed to grasp with potentially carried out by John Hattie and H. W. Marsh promote non-research universities cannot catastrophic consequences.” TODAY (THURSDAY 13TH) SEES a Fair Trade between 1949 and 1992 was mainly done in take account of changes in British higher A DfES spokesperson said: “The event in the Union all day, with Fair Trade the 1970s, reports the THES. education over the past 10 years.” department is continually seeking to tea, coffee and chocolate being promoted Professor Hattie said: “Our paper has been Other research published in 200 by HEFCE improve the evidence base on which it and sold, so get on down! used for almost every stance possible and too concluded that “not every teacher needs derives its policies both thought its own The event is being organised by the often ignores the messages and conclusions. to be engaged in research but might be research strategy and by keeping abreast of international SIFE (Students In Free Our study demonstrated the status quo and expected to engage in scholarship to inform research conducted by others.” Enterprise) organisation’s on campus team, does not reflect on what should be the case. their work as teachers”. Bassey believes This splitting of teaching excellence from who are working on making Surrey a ‘Fair We concluded that the very concept of a the government read too much into this: research excellence forms a large part of Trade University’ as a step towards turning university implies that there should be a “In envisaging non-research universities the White Paper, and is responsible for Guildford into a ‘Fair Trade Town’ over higher relationship and implored universities the government is extrapolating from ‘not the current reshuffle of funds, with most the next couple of years, member Melissa to work hard to enhance the relationship.” every teacher’ to ‘no teacher’. The problem top research universities losing teaching Rhodes tells barefacts. They are entering a Bassey, whom the THES describes as an is that the idea of research has come to be funding this year, whilst gaining a lot of competition in April, despite still currently expert, believes that the government used symbolised by big expensive research, research funding. gathering ideas and research, and the event today is timed to coincide with Fair Trade Fortnight. For more information, go down to the Extra WP funding for universities Mig21 jet on car union and meet the people involved, or contact barefacts and we will put you in THE GOVERNMENT HAS said that universities BY PHILIP HOWARD AND RICH WATTS A WOMAN RETURNED from the supermarket touch with Surrey’s SIFE team. You can are to get a five-fold increase in money to to her car, only to find that there was a find out more about SIFE at their UK help with widening participation targets It is, however, the only research university Mig21 fighter jet on top of it: “I came out website; www.sifeuk.org and Fair Trade: and to help attract students from poorer to get a (real terms) cut in its research grant, of the supermarket to find my car had almost www.fairtrade.org.uk. backgrounds. The rise, from £48m to £265m, of 1.4%. Surrey’s teaching grant is £18.1m, completely disappeared and there was this is part of a £5.4bn package announced by compared to a research grant of £14.3m, and huge plane in its place.” she said. She came the Higher Education Funding Council for has a total grant of £34.3m – not including out of the supermarket to find that the jet England (Hefce) for the next academic fees. This compares to Surrey Roehampton, had been knocked off a display by a lorry: “I year. And means that universities will get whose teaching budget is comparable at thought World War Three had started. I just a 20% premium for recruiting, and keeping, £14.4m, but whose research budget is less hope my insurance covers the damages.” students from poorer areas. than £1m, around 7% of Surrey’s. Research has shown that undergraduates Of the 16 universities in the 1994 Group from such backgrounds are more likely to (a group of modern universities, beyond drop-out before the end of their first year the Russell group) for which there is of study, making them around 30% more data available, Surrey is 11th, nearly three expensive to educate. quarters of the way down the list in terms Welcoming the extra cash NUS President, of total grant and is in a similar position for Mandy Telford, said: “Any cash injection teaching, at 12th. Surrey’s research grant, into the higher education sector is warmly however, is 6th largest, and it’s proportion welcomed. We are delighted that HEFCE of research funding to total grant is just 4th Twyford Court recycing scheme “encouraging” have recognised that students from poorer behind LSE, York and UMIST at around backgrounds need additional help to get 42%. The change adjusted for volume (the BY PETER BARRATT empty their bins into the wheelie bin next to through university.” change over last year, for reasons other than their house. Well done to House G floor 0/1- The lecturers’ union Natfhe also welcomed student numbers) for Surrey is 4.1%, which HOW AWARE ARE you of the problem of 5 for winning top prize for the first couple the extra funding. A spokesman said: is a little below the average of 4.5% landfill sites overflowing? Furthermore, how of weeks, and to House G floor 0/7-11 and “Much more still needs to be done to Surrey’s figures should not be too aware are you of the impacts associated with House H floor 2 for winning joint second improve achievement and raise aspirations disheartening, however, as Professor incinerators, which are the current answer to prize. A special mention must be made for among school and college pupils so that they Dowling, the Vice-Chancellor, prides overflowing landfill sites? Do you even care, house H floor 2, who were already recycling can go on to higher education. Surrey on its comparative independence after all it doesn’t affect you, does it? of their own accord! The Hefce package also makes changes to from government funding, as it constitutes Well, in the not too distant future, your This is evidence that there are students funding resources, giving an extra £102m to only around a quarter of Surrey’s total accommodation fees will be increased due out there who care, and that are willing to help research. Only departments that are budget, significantly less than most other to landfill tax. You may even live in an area make the small effort required to make a rated the highest, however, will reap the universities. where an incinerator is planned (you already difference. If facilities are made available benefits of the extra cash, as departments do), or already exists. Worse, you could live to students, they will be used. If, when who are below the top 5 mark will receive a near a massively overstretched landfill site. students arrive, they are informed about total of £21m less than before. Do you care now? recycling and asked to make a small effort Commenting on this drop, the Association More than 60% of household rubbish to help, then a successful recycling scheme of University Teachers general secretary NOTICES can be recycled. No recycling schemes could be implemented. The reduction in Sally Hunt said: “How exactly does the are in place in the university residences at waste would surely provide enough savings, government think this is going to impact Women’s Rugby AGM - Thurs 20th the moment, because it is not financially through paying less landfill tax, to sustain a on morale in the affected departments? A March - 6pm – HRB viable. However, paper is being collected recycling scheme. The university could also quarter of our nation’s research staff have No-Wave AGM (Alternative Branch of the for recycling from the academic buildings promote a green image and be a role model effectively been told that the government Music Society) 18th March 6pm Union around campus, and in the past year, 70 tons for other universities to follow. thinks they are of little value.” She Committee Room of paper have been recycled. This is thanks So, well done to the students involved in continued: “Not only is it bizarre to Culture & Events Committee 24th to one man, Rosanno, who is the recycling the pilot scheme, and keep recycling! Show ‘reward’ high achievement by putting at March 6pm Lecture Theatre F operative for waste and central services, those who have the power to implement risk thousands of high achievers’ jobs, but Societies Standing on the 24th March has under the management of Max Thomas. campus wide recycling schemes that they to do this while aiming to raise our global been CANCELLED The pilot scheme currently running in would be effective (and enjoy all the research standing is frankly nonsensical.” Madsoc AGM Wednesday 26th March 8 kitchens in Twyford court has shown freebies)! Surrey’s position in the Funding Allocations 5pm Union Committee Room encouraging results so far. All of the kitchens For more information on the Twyford 2003 is relatively stationary, with a 1.0% GU2 AGM Thursday 27th March 6.15pm are using the facilities for recycling cans and recycling scheme, email Peter Barratt at increase in its teaching grant. Union Committee Room plastic, and 4 kitchens took the trouble to [email protected]. 13 March 2003 LIGHTS. CAMERA. ACTION. 5 “Lights. Camera. Action.” maintains its momentum Support evident from all around the local region
THIS LAST WEEK has seen interest in the BY RICHARD WATTS Lights. Camera. Action. campaign reach a new high as both the local Council, press eleven attacks that appeared in last week’s and police have taken an interest in the goals barefacts and demonstrates the support of the campaign. of the Guildford Borough Council. A Following the launch two weeks ago, The spokesperson said on behalf of the Borough: Surrey Advertiser decided to cover the story “Public safety is a top priority for the Safer on page three of the latest edition of their Guildford Partnership (a partnership between publication, quoting the coordinators of the Guildford Borough Council, the police, campaign on behalf of USSU and barefacts Surrey County Council and other agencies. and also the words of support released to The partnership is investigating the problem this newspaper by Richard Paxton, the head and looking at possible solutions.” They go of accommodation. on to say that there “are already plans for a Under the headline “Lighten out fears say CCTV camera at the cathedral roundabout.” students,” the article reports on the In a separate development, the neighbourhood specialist officer for Park Barn and Westborough, PC John Carver, came to the barefacts office last week to offer his support and assistance with the Lights. Camera. Action campaign. PC Carver has Above: Sue Doughty, the local MP, talking to Toni Borneo, the USSU education & welfare sabbatical, in the Southway underpass last Saturday morning. They were joined by many local councillors and the current Mayor been interested in the underpasses and the of Guildford, Tony Phillips. allotment of preventative measures for some time now, as they fall under his direct jurisdiction as part of his neighbourhood duties, and he displayed interest in working Messages of support with barefacts in order to coordinate our respective efforts. We are currently working The following are messages of support the LCA campaign has received so far. If you with him to establish contact with the would like to add your good wishes, please send them to [email protected]. residents of Park Barn and Westborough and inform them directly of the current I support improvements to the routes to and assessments for hardship applications, a Above: the article that appeared in The Surrey Ad. campaign. from the western end of Campus. These considerable number of students are having Photo: Paul Wright routes are important and unavoidable for to spend money on taxis to return from their the majority of students. This includes part-time jobs because they don’t feel safe campus residents going to a from Tesco walking home from town during the hours and off campus residents who want to get to of darkness. We fully support the Students’ University shows its support Bellerby Court and Park Barn or to the big Union in their efforts to improve the safety student housing areas to the north of the A3. of students off campus. THE UNIVERSITY HAS given its full support travel, we want to be safe. In a couple of years Manor Park will add PENNY CRONK, STUDENT FINANCE ADVISER to the Lights. Camera. Action. campaign, Manor Park is a case to hand in the further journeys and while some of these (UNIS) highlighting its commitment to its students future. Will the university support any will be by bus many students will want a and those that find a need to utilise the moves that are made to deal with the safe and convenient route for walking or Student safety should be a key concern of underpasses to approach campus. issues of the underpasses immediately? cycling. the students’ union, university and local Do you support the “Lights. Camera. We are aware that the Police have planned RICHARD PAXTON, HEAD OF ACCOMMODATION community. Barefacts comprehensive Action.” campaign? to install remote cameras to cover the campaign will ensure safety standards are The University and its management are underpasses and look forward to their Student safety must be our number one considerably improved to the direct benefit acutely aware of the worries expressed implementation so as to help ensure that concern and it is vital that students feel safe of students at Surrey. about the underpass and take the issue of student and staff journeys to and from on and off campus. I fully back barefacts’ HELYN SIMMONS, CONVENOR NUS “MAKING safety very seriously indeed and support the campus are safe. campaign. EQUALITY COUNT” CAMPAIGN principles of the campaign. It is suggested that a possible partnership MANDY TELFORD, NUS NATIONAL PRESIDENT With the University beginning its Manor between the County Council, Borough I am writing to support your LCA campaign, Park development, the worries associated Council and the University (and possibly I fully support this campaign. It is important as I, like Tracey Daws, am a member of staff with the underpasses are of primary Tescos) might be formed to deal with that we pay attention to all aspects of student who walks every day to and from work via concern to the students. What provision these safety issues. Would you take an well-being and safety whether this is on the Southway underpass. I like to feel that has the university planned for in order to active role in forming this partnership campus or in the Guildford area. Students I am a mature confident person who is not facilitate the safe transition of students and help determine what commitment are major consumers in the local economy easily intimidated. from one campus to another? the University can provide to any such and it is appropriate that their concerns are However, a couple of weeks ago my The Vice-Chancellor, Director of Corporate projects? paid attention to. path was physically blocked by a number Services and senior management are kept We see great benefit in the University DR LES MCMINN, HEAD OF STUDENT of pupils from the County School, some informed of all incidents in and around Management, Staff, Students, the COUNSELLING (UNIS) stiill in uniform, I asked politely if I could campus and have always been committed Community and the local Police all standing get through and after a great deal of foul to working with Surrey Police to reduce together against that small group of thugs and It is absolutely essential that students feel language (on their part), they deigned to let crime in the areas around the campus. The criminals who have made the underpasses a safe in the environment in which they live me pass. crime on the campus itself is lower than concern for residents and students. We do and study. Congratulations to barefacts and I agree that local schools should be that in the surrounding areas thanks to an see the need for more lights and cameras as USSU for pushing student safety onto the contacted about their pupils’ safety, but also aware and collegiate student body and an being central to the way ahead. And We agenda in their area, and I wish them every make them aware that a small minority are active, professional security department. would like to see the criminals apprehended success with the campaign. part of the problem. Looking to Manor Park itself, we are still and convicted and will work actively with PENNY HOLLINGS, NUS NATIONAL SECRETARY Yours faithfully, working with the planning authorities who whoever necessary to ensure the safety of ALISON BALL, DEPARTMENT OF MUSIC & are wanting to limit cars and non-public our students and staff. The Student Advice & Information Service SOUND RECORDING transport. Clearly whatever the means of [email protected] (SAIS) has noticed that during their 6 OPINION 13 March 2003
THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION UNION HOUSE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY GUILDFORD GU2 7XH WWW.USSU.CO.UK
The university has plenty to shout about, so there’s no need for porkies
Never tell porkie-pies because they will al- only saving grace as the University is ob- ways catch up with you: some sound advice viously expecting the building work to be handed on from generation to generation completed by then. It still should be said, that no doubt every reader would have heard though, that there was no need to include at one point or another. such a pointless comment when there was And indeed it is sound advice, which makes so much else that could be said. Virtually it all the more bemusing that the University every week the University is patting itself decided that it would be a good idea to put on the back for one achievement or another; some words into the mouth of a student and lest we forget that the recruitment success say that the facilities in the new manage- of the management courses is so legendary ment building provide, and we quote, “an that it has caused accommodation problems enjoyable experience.” Which facilities - why couldn’t this poor mouth-piece of a might these be: a chisel and a screwdriver? student commented on that? A cement mixer? A hard-hat? For the last It might only seem a slight point, but the Above: the Grant Mitchell room minutes after the votes had finished being counted. For time we looked, the management building University should bear in mind the reper- full details of the elections results, see page three. was still very much “under construction.” cussions of such “light of accuracy” and act That the prospectus in which this slip-up accordingly when publishing their materials was made is the 2004 issue is perhaps the in future circumstances. Lights. Camera. Beauracracy?
International week an excellent WELL, IT’S BEGUN at last. There get few words of thanks from is now an official campaign, students that move on, and spectacle and a timely reminder an agenda, a cause. We can none from the local residents, have something to chase, to for whom the Council will be complain about, to unite us. taking money that their taxes This year’s international week, or One goals the Students’ Union should be looking That underpass which has paid for, and improving the World Week as it has become known, has to. And barefacts should not count itself scared some and been the lives of those
DON’T PANIC. PROBABLY the best advice in campus convenience store, push the total past that have a lighter please?” the world ever, in my opinion. You’re in the which sells all the essentials MORGAN GOOCH crucial five pound threshold My brain has been thrown off-kilter by this middle of the road and the lights are turning that you forgot to buy at is snatched from the shelf, experience, and my signature is lopsided green? Don’t panic. Just walk faster. Your Tesco and sweets for in “The place that regularly and the growing stack of and appears to have a few more letters than deadline is today and you’re still staring at between lectures, has foxed gets the better of me is One goods soon challenges the my name, but nobody checks that closely. a blank screen? Don’t panic. Let’s face it, by me more times than I care Stop - the friendly campus capacity of my two hands. My wallet and card are thrown into the bag now writing anything, no matter how terrible to remember. It starts like convenience store.” So now with the bacon for of redundant stuff and I thank god that I can or factually inaccurate, is better than writing this. I am in a lecture/AP/my my sandwich, the milk for have a decent cup of tea to calm my nerves nothing. You’re about to be dropped into an kitchen and I think that going to one stop is my tea, the dairy milk bar with caramel and a greasy bacon sandwich to calm my industrial mincer and there’s nothing you a good plan. I need bacon for my sandwich for the sheer heaven of it, the Capri sun for stomach. As I walk out into the cold fresh air can do about it? Well, OK, you can panic if and milk for my tea, and I have some change taking into lectures if I ever remember and relief sweeps through my mind and a bizarre you like at this one, but then nothing’s going in my wallet. So I go to one stop, pick out several packets of dental chewing gum that state approaching euphoria overcomes me: to make much difference if you find yourself the bacon for my sandwich and the milk for will fester in my room until I throw them the experience is over and won’t have to in this tricky little situation. my tea and I stand in the line. Standing in the away falling from my overloaded hands be repeated for quite a long time. I make My absolute nemesis is the panic buy. I line I inspect the change in my wallet and onto the counter, I struggle once more to a mental note to get some money from don’t really have enough money that I can find that I have (usually) ten pence less than I remove my wallet from my pocket. the ATM outside the union and to write a waste it on stuff I don’t need and often don’t need, thanks to the inflated prices associated “Four pounds seventy, please” she says as comprehensive shopping list for my next want at all so the presence in my room of with convenience shopping. I could go to I hurriedly stuff the superfluous items into visit to Tesco. several computer games that I’ve never the ATM outside the union, but I don’t have a superfluous carrier bag. As I reach for my So what’s the moral of this story kids? played, books that I’ve owned for years and my coat, didn’t think I’d be long, don’t want card the full impact of the last four words Don’t panic. Exams, accommodation, still swear I’ll read someday and a bandana to walk that far etc. By the time I remember hit me. Again, I search with my eyes in a relationships, these things will all come should serve as a constant reminder against that they impose a minimum of five pounds split-second for something, anything to buy. and go, leaving you older, wiser and if these sort of things. There is one place that for card transactions I’m at the front of the Another packet of gum would just make me you follow this advice, without high blood still gets the better of me though, and quite queue. This is where the panic buy occurs. look weird. I notice the shelves behind her pressure. regularly, which is one stop. Our friendly Anything at all within arms reach that will and manage to croak out the words “Can I [email protected]
The rhetoric of student democracy: to vote or not to vote?
EACH YEAR THE elections are dismissed as would do in my manifesto what is happening anyway. state. The surprising aspect of it all, even, a popularity contest; though I agree with last year? Neither can I. Of the 10% that vote, I would is that somehow it all works – generally this to a certain extent, it is perhaps more And then we come to be surprised if anything speaking, and certainly in previous years, accurate to suggest that the elections are voting week, during which approaching half of them the best candidates are filtered out from a least unpopular contest, resulting in most candidates will stand were voting based on policy the others and the elected sabbaticals are the candidate people like the most being outside the lecture theatres as opposed to who their mate generally those who will do what is required elected. Which is distinctly different to for six hours a day and voted for. (A candidate for of them. being popular. encourage people to vote the presidential position In a grander scheme of things, though, the Candidates would of course be up in arms for them. There is very at Cambridge University question I feel needs to be posed is this: of about such a statement, as indeed I would little mention of policy; RICHARD WATTS Students’ Union wrote in what relevance to the entire student body have been last year when I was silly enough instead there is insistence, his manifesto that he would are the sabbatical officers? Having been to think I wanted to be a sabbatical, but the coercion and, on the part of “I would be surprised if give back his salary and one for almost a year now, I am still to very nature of campaigning leads us to make the voter, ignorance. Every anything approaching half “shut up” if he was elected find a definitive answer, and, if that isthe no other assumption. candidate will start of with the voters were voting on by anything less than 30% of case, how any students’ union can expect to Electioneering begins with posters. good intentions, but it will policy.” the entire Cambridge student engage its members with the ideal of student Hundreds of posters. As was pointed out soon deteriorate as the population, because he didn’t democracy is beyond me. in this paper two weeks ago, none of these week goes on, as the fun and enjoyment believe he would be representing anyone. A [email protected] posters have ever or will ever contain much of campaigning takes over from the whole fine sentiment, if not completely ignored by in the way of policy and, as any candidate point of being there is. Which is where all of the population he was so willing to help: he If you have anything you would like to say, will defend, are tools used simply to “get the posters and gimmicks come in: as soon came last.) then write it down and send it along to this the message out there.’ Which is evidently as a voter sees a name they recognise, ahead I can’t defend this system: I am a product of here paper: [email protected]. why candidates think it necessary to rise at of any others they don’t, then that will do – a it and may not be writing this if the elections It can be quite fun, you know. 8:30am on a Saturday morning to ensure tick in the box and the ordeal is over. process were any different to its current they find the most prominent poster sites on The prime example of such an approach is campus ahead of their rivals. As such, then, having voting booths open in the Union on posters don’t achieve much except exposure, a night out: exactly what sort of informed and in all the right places. voting can go on there, may I ask? At best Question time is next up, with around 100 you will have a student vaguely aware of LETTERS TO THE EDITOR students turning up to hear what candidates what is going on and at worst you will have Letters must be received by 5pm on the Monday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. Letters actually have to say for themselves. The such a student, along with campaigners, may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: [email protected] fact that it is just the 100 students serves to dragging their friends to the booth to post a prove my point. vote for someone of whom they have not the Dear barefacts, civilian population, many of the subsequent Manifestos are perhaps the only means by faintest idea. I am writing in reply to Helen Turrell’s humanitarian problems in Iraq have been which candidates can prove themselves to Which brings us to an interesting point. letter in last weeks Barefacts, while I agree caused by the UN sanctions levied at the the student population (or the ones that pick The turn-out for elections, though relatively with many of the sentiments expressed end of the war. There was no mandate up barefacts anyway – in itself, a skewed and good when compared to other institutions, in this letter I believe that the author is for the invasion of Iraq in 1991, this has fairly unrepresentative chunk of students) lingers at around 10% each year. Such misguided in her belief that the 1991 no bearing on present events, except to and I have no argument against manifestos. figures are greeted by calls of “students Gulf War only “succeeded in the killing comment that with the luxury of hindsight Apart from the fact that candidates can say apathy” and the such-like, and each year of innocent people and Saddam still it may be possible to say that the objective pretty much what they like as there are no incentives are suggested to try to increase ruling Iraq”. The objective of the war of operation Desert Storm should have been means by which they will be measured; turn-out. In turn, these suggestions are was the withdrawal of the Iraqi military widened, however hindsight by definition there is no accountability during their year greeted, for the main part by candidates, from Kuwait, this was achieved with cannot be used in the present and we must in office based on what they said they would with cries of alarm: “Surely it is better to relatively low collateral damage, that is hope that the present situation can be do and no system of appraisal to determine have the informed voting instead of those in comparison with prior conflicts such as brought to a diplomatic conclusion. whether they would do what they said they who are voting for the sake of it?” they Korea or Vietnam both of which inflicted Yours, would. Can you remember what I said I shriek, neglecting to consider that that is much greater suffering on the general JOHN YABBACOME 8 OPINION 13 March 2003 Do you come here often?
As Tescos makes the move to become a 24-hour shopping paradise, the possibilities for aisle-ro- mance increases. Or so Ben Supper thinks...
SO IT’S OFFICIAL. The local residents of wares upon the shelves, will add an are spitting venom. Our politicians are extra dimension to the dating game. screaming about another resounding No longer will women need to dash to defeat for public opinion. Signs saying toilets for periodic moments of shared ‘8am-10pm’ have come down; signs solitude. Instead, they could just move saying ‘24 hours’ have gone up. And to the cosmetics or feminine hygiene truly, it couldn’t come at a better time. sections and talk all they like, safe in The sadistic, uphill onslaught of final the knowledge that nobody possessing coursework deadlines throughout a penis and a sense of self-esteem will March is as inevitable as the daffodils dare ever to venture there. and crocuses. As if this wasn’t enough, the chances But now, we have a reason to smile. to employ specialised chat-up lines in a The possibilities of nocturnal shopping supermarket are rife: far more so than are boundless. Both of Guildford’s in the alcohol-fuelled pressure cooker supermarkets are already just the right of the Students’ Union. In fact, Tesco distance away from campus to provide should have singles nights. Screw dating a reasonable walk as well as a nicely- agencies: a superstore is the ideal place spaghetti become so commonplace next to a traffic cone, covered in semi- timed break from reading, writing, and for meeting your perfect partner. Where as to be seen as a somehow inferior digested kebab. revising. Now that one is open all night, else can you tell, with almost infallible commodity, undeserving of its pasta Insular nerds could have their own well ... gosh, packet noodles on demand. precision, what somebody likes, how status?’ The conversation could go aisles full of frozen pizzas, computer Endless supplies of milk for endless much discipline they have, how healthy anywhere: philosophy, fashion, class parts, and medicated shampoo. One cups of screen-lit tea. Those who cannot they are, how rich they are, how posh war, or a commentary on the decadence day, they might even install a special bring themselves to leave their desks they are, how spoilt they are, whether and complacency of the Twenty-first gay aisle. They could install halogen during civilised hours, and then realise or not they are single, and hundreds of Century retail environment. One thing lighting instead of the usual fluorescent all too suddenly that they are half-dead other character traits that don’t even might lead to another. Before you can strip-lights, and stock it with items and need emergency nutrition, will have have names yet, without even having say ‘have you got a reward card?’ from around the superstore, inelegantly a chance to furnish their bomb shelters to speak? All it takes is a quick glance another lucky customer will be adding attached to the homosexual stereotype with sturdy rations. Soon, people at the trolley or the basket and you can coffee and a toothbrush to the shopping by a marketing guru. White wine and returning to Park Barn from a hard night look right into their mind. It’s as though list. sparkling water would nestle next to on the town will be able to purchase raw you’re old friends. The more chauvinistic, out for some quiche, Gruyere cheese, and Peter bacon and eggs at 3am, to help them immediate gratification, could improvise Greenaway films on DVD. torch their houses to the ground. their own disarming witticisms: ‘Nice Those who are unlucky enough not to There might even be a small industry “It will replace Staying melons, love’ (holding a watermelon pull, perhaps owing to the quantity of set up to cater for the gastronomic for comical effect); ‘Nicely stacked’ cosmetics in their basket, or to their high demands of late-night shoppers. Who In as the new Going (leering from shelves to eyes to breasts quantities of trashy convenience food in knows where this will all end? A Out. There might even to eyes to shelves again); ‘Your plaice their basket, or even to their choice of journey of a thousand miles begins or mine?’ (indicating the last pre-packed ‘Reader’s Lathes’ as suitable reading with a single footstep, but a 24-hour be a small industry to fish fillet); ‘Are you shoplifting a tube material, might still be uplifted on the supermarket in pokey old Guildford is a of Pringles, or are you just pleased weary walk home by the inestimable gigantic leap forward. Guildford might cater for folks trying to to see me?’ (one for the ladies, or joy of having seen sober people at 2.30 even start to look like a credible city, perhaps for a security guard who is in the morning who aren’t wearing albeit one populated by zombified men meet people” genuinely concerned that the stock is Security uniforms. and women who are now compelled to disappearing). Who knows, the University may even work twelve-hour shifts for four pounds If somebody impresses you with their Fortunately, commodity-related be persuaded to move some of their an hour in order to supplement the choice of fruit squash, or cooking oil, innuendo knows limitless possibilities. vital student services to the subway so demands of financially more fortunate or toilet paper, it’s so easy to move in. Even more fortunately, so does the that the route to campus becomes safer. pissed-up students. But hey, we should You’re surrounded by things to talk capacity to retaliate with limitless We could look forward to a franchise sort out our shops first, and then work about. There’s none of that ‘So what violence. of Rushes amongst the dark, damp on our humanity later. do you do?’ nonsense. Pah! That’s so After a couple of months, once the concrete: what better surroundings for For the rest of us, I confidently predict old hat. So Duke of Edinburgh. Instead, distinction between retail Mecca and the four-item breakfast? that we will see a new vogue for the less socially-skilled Casanova social hub has blurred completely, we Assuming that enterprise is a success, supermarket shopping. It will replace might open with a craftily-scripted could look forward to themed aisles. the University may then cotton on to Staying In as the new Going Out. Where observation, for example: ‘The beans There could be a special ‘town’ aisle, the nocturnal student market. For those better to meet people? A shy person aren’t as cheap as they used to be.’ for people who still sicken for the of us battling with last-minute project could pretend he or she is actually just Comforting. Nostalgic. Domestic. experience of spending a night out in deadlines and eager to sleep off an all- there to shop, thank you, and could Just slightly controversial, but not too Guildford centre. Staff could dress up in nighter, how about a 24-hour Unisprint? legitimately buy thinking time by eyeing outrageous. An interested party might puffa jackets and hand out ghastly fliers. Or better still, a 24-hour laundrette, to up the marmalades while working on reply, ‘Indeed not, but they’ve definitely There could be unfriendly bouncers, cope with the doubling of the campus an introductory gambit which doesn’t improved the tomato sauce.’ supplied by the supermarket, to demand student population over the last ten sound too contrived or feeble. On the other hand, you might catch five pounds just to get into the aisle so years? A doe-eyed temptress could lure a horde the eye of a Guardian-reading singleton that you can spend even more money. An off-campus launderette: now there’s of admiring men by playing a protracted and exclaim ‘I notice that this aisle is Once in, somebody will spill beer over a perfect project for the A3 subway. The game of hard-to-get, carefully flitting labelled ‘Pasta and spaghetti’. Surely you, will apologise, you’ll say ‘that’s all shadowy assailant versus Service Wash about the store, ostensibly looking spaghetti is a type of pasta. Does this right’, then they’ll turn round and say Woman. Place your bets now, but I for a jar of crab paste, or something explicit dichotomy denote an implicit ‘did you just call me a slag?’ Then you’ll know where the smart money’s going. equally elusive. The opportunity for distinction between the pasta shapes get beaten up and thrown out, and will You really don’t want to get her angry. strategic hesitation, provided by stacks within our society? Has wake up in bed twelve hours later [email protected] 13 March 2003 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 9 The Surrey Alumni Society Writing speculative letters to Blast from the past possible employers
by Ian Frame YOU MAY WONDER whether opportunity to discuss your it is really worth writing application with them. We MY FIRST AND last experience as a student at The idea was to fill our heads with Russian speculatively to an employer. have examples of both CVs Surrey was one enjoyable and enlightening by putting us in a language laboratory for Surely they’d advertise the and covering letters in the year (1967 to 1968) at the furniture several hours a day – and it worked. I was job if they wanted someone Careers Service. repository at the north end of Falcon Road, a fairly diligent student because the voices badly enough? There is a You may, of course, feel a Battersea, before the campus was built in that came down the headphones – those lot of truth in that, which is bit stuck in trying to decide Guildford. It was always referred to as a of Lydia and Olga – were so delightfully why it is important to keep who to apply to. If that is repository rather than a warehouse so I knew mercurial that it was a pleasure to listen, a watchful eye on advertised DR RUSS CLARK the case, you’d probably I was going to a classy place. and learning was almost effortless. I vacancies. Unfortunately, find it helpful to use one A couple of years before Surrey I had had expected tapes from some ready-made you can’t guarantee you will of the employer directories studied Spanish and Portuguese at King’s, course — with foreboding, knowing (since spot the ad when it comes “Even if you get loads of we carry. You could use London. The contrast was striking and I had spent the previous year in Barcelona out, so writing ‘on spec’ at rejection letters, there may something like Prospects delightful. The first thing that hit me teaching in a language laboratory) that least gives you a chance to be just that one opportunity Directory or the Hobsons and continued to please me was Surrey’s most of the Russian courses on the market be considered for something that starts of your career.” Directory to identify informality. At King’s the students seemed were wholly uninspiring, so it was doubly you might otherwise have the major employers of to be preparing themselves to become refreshing to have a course that seemed to missed. There are two other graduates. Alternatively, members of the establishment (many were be being made up as we went along and very good reasons for writing out of the you could use a directory such as Kompass already) and the Sub-Dean (what a title!) could even be adjusted to our likes and blue. First of all, it can be pretty expensive to locate all the employers who operate even expressed pleasure in a newsletter dislikes, and our needs. It was good to to advertise a job and employers wouldn’t in very specialist areas such as nuclear that not many of the students wore jeans! put undergrads and post-grads together. waste their money if they had sufficient instrumentation manufacture or the And we never called the lecturers by their We oldies (in our early twenties) were told speculative applications sitting on their production of automotive components. We forenames and they for their part always that the undergrads were apprehensive desks. Secondly, it really works, as about also have local employer lists for most parts addressed us as Mr this or Miss that. At about being put in the same classes as us, 10% of University of Surrey graduates find of the country. The more you move off the Surrey it was forenames on all sides straight but we soon reassured them. We postgrads every year. beaten track, by the way, the greater your away and the atmosphere was so relaxed were from a wide range of backgrounds, When writing speculatively, most people chances of unearthing a vacancy which no- that I started regretting on my first day that but so were the undergrads: another Surrey send a curriculum vitae and a covering one else has found. I hadn’t gone to Surrey rather than London innovation was that no formal qualifications letter. The letter would typically be four Writing on spec is definitely worth trying. four years earlier (but, on reflexion, maybe were needed for admission to the Russian paragraphs - who you are, why you are You might end up with piles of rejection Surrey had not come into existence in 1963). degree course, with the result that the many writing, what particular skills and experience letters or even no responses at all, but then Architecturally, as well, I preferred Surrey of the undergrads had done a multitude of you have to offer and a closing paragraph you might just uncover an opportunity that enormously. King’s was housed in the east interesting things before finally deciding to to say how much you’d value having an gets your career off to a brilliant start. wing of Somerset House in the Strand and learn Russian. most of the rooms and corridors were lined So — if you’ll forgive the trendy word with cold gloomy dark stone, whereas the – there was a lot of symbiosis. We all got on dear old furniture repository was bright and well with each other and were united by the This weeks careers & skills talks airy and the wooden staircases squeaked intensity of our learning experience. In fact, pleasantly as I loped up them. the worst thing about the course was having AMERICAN EXPRESS The course I took was a Surrey innovation: to say goodbye at the end of my brief and MONDAY 24TH MARCH | 6.15PM | LT M the first year of a first-degree course (BSc happy year to those who were staying on for American Express are giving a presentation to explain their new joint venture with sussex university which will in Russian ab initio) was combined with a another three years. sponsor students to study for an Msc in computing science and work part-time. the first and only year of a postgrad course. If you would like to register with Careers, please email [email protected], or visit in person. Please keep an eye on your University email and www.surrey.ac.uk/careers for the most up to date information
This is the word-crossing crossword in you’ll be pleased to hear it should be easier than last semeser Here we are once again with the crossword. Sorry about the confusion over the last couple of weeks, what with the wrong answer grids or wrong clues or wrong somethings. Hope- fully this week is all present and correct. You know who to call if it isn’t. though: the e-mail is [email protected]
COLLAGE
pictures from the international gala GALA COMPETITIONS a page of pictures tak- it’s a rollover week en at the international and to make things a gala last week: look little easier, the an- out for the belly-danc- swers are included in ing beauty, though... this week’s section
There’s life on the planet, George, but not as we know it
Receiving more press coverage for its leading ac- tor’s bottom might not be a fair reflection on the re-make of Solaris, suggests Rich Watts. It is a bit slow, though
I NEVER SAW the original 1972 version through. of “Solaris,” based on the novel by The original crew had been sent to Stanislaw Lem. Some people had study a strange glowing mass known suggested that I watch it at my own as Solaris. Its affects on the crew were risk; some other people said that when such that it could recreate human forms trying to watch it, they couldn’t from their memories. Chris, who make it through to the end: it was just longed to make right what happened too slow and confusing. with Rheya, eventually discovers Bearing this in mind, I braved George her presence aboard the ship. She and eternal life get lost and jumbled, more alternative projects as he has Clooney paired again with director is a replicated physical entity that, resulting not in depth but boredom. found that middle ground already Steven Soderbergh in Solaris, a film for all intents and purposes, is an Ultimately, if you’re looking for a between heart-throb and artistic that Soderbergh also updated the indistinguishable duplicate of his wife. roaring love story as the trailers would credibility (in much the same way as screenplay for. Forty-five minutes into His desire to have her once again leads have you believe then you will be Brad Pitt). That it required a flash of the film, the two people sitting next to to the main plot of the story. disappointed: Solaris will simply not his arse during the movie is therefore a me relieved themselves of their film- Solaris is the kind of movie that gets allow itself to be moulded into such a case more perplexing than apparent, but watching duties and I, despite the fact better as you think about it more. That genre. Dismissing it as a bad movie, given the marketable nature of the man I’d have to write a review on it, was is if you allow yourself to get past its though, would be to miss the subtler as a commodity, it was perhaps needed thinking of the same course of action. very slow pace. The noticeable lack aspects of is creation, and to lose out to generate interest in a project that Interested in where the film was going, of music didn’t help much and ended on some excellent camera work and, at would otherwise leave the majority of though, I decided to remain seated. up making the movie seem slower times, touching sequences. its audience confused and dissatisfied. The story, set in the future, involves even that it actually was and, though George Clooney hardly needs to Which is a shame. a psychiatrist named Chris Kelvin certainly intentional, it detracted from establish a reputation by folding to [email protected] (George Clooney) who is sent to a rather than helped the film. space station to study its occupants, Solaris is a depressing and haunting some of whom are already dead, and movie that works to some degree – others who were undergoing severe mainly in a superficial, chrome-covered emotional stress. Chris has lost his nod in the direction of Kubrick’s Space wife, Rheya (Natascha McElhone), Odyssey:2001. It seems to have failed several years earlier, and shortly after to win over many film-goers, though, arriving aboard the space station, due to its pace and lack of a clearer he begins to experience the severe story. On a less superficial level, the emotional stress the others are going apparent themes of love, memory
Top 10 film quotes
IN A RECENT survey of apparent “film- damn” GONE WITH THE WIND buffs,” the top ten film quotes of all 3. “We want the finest wines available time have been released. Top of the to humanity, we want them here and list was Michael Caine’s utterance in we want them now” WITHNAIL AND I The Italian Job, followed by Clark 4. “You talkin’ to me?” TAXI DRIVER Gable in Gone With the Wind. There 5. “I love the smell of napalm in the was also a list of the top ten worst morning” APOCALYPSE NOW quotes, which quite unfathomably 6. “I’ll have what she’s having...” included good old Arnie’s “I’ll be WHEN HARRY MET SALLY back” in the original Terminator 7. “All my life I wanted to be a movie. Some of the other quotes in gangster” GOODFELLAS the latter list suggest that the best and 8. “I do wish we could chat longer. But worst lists could easily be swapped I’m having an old friend for around, but there we go. dinner” SILENCE OF THE LAMBS The top ten film lines were as follows: 9. “Infamy, Infamy, they’ve all got it in 1. “You were only supposed to blow for me” CARRY ON CLEO the bloody doors off” THE ITALIAN JOB 10. “He’s not the Messiah - he’s a very 2. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a naughty boy” LIFE OF BRIAN 13 March 2003 FILM 11 Going underground: part I Throwing off the shackles of the mainstream and launching himself shamelessly into the peculiar world nuclear weapons utterly transparent – the of art-house cinema, James Dibley goes for the documentary was rejected by the BBC and banned from transmission for twenty years. sensationalist vote Watkins’ other works, which include Punishment Park and Privilege – the former WRITING WORTHY AND deeply-considered movie mostly shot inside the Chrysler predating and informing Stephen King’s pieces on movies and movie directors gets building, and largely untroubled by The Running Man and The Long Walk, the a little old after a while, especially when dialogue. Within the confines of the teetering latter a particularly popular film detailing a it’s about three hours or so before we go to skyscraper, Freemasonry, dental torture, and totalitarian government’s exploitation of a print. So this week we’re going for the cheap a troupe of sheep doing the Can-Can all nation’s youth through pop music – share through the backstreets of Seoul reminiscent sensationalism by bringing you the first part have their place in Barney’s cryptic, twisted his calculatedly political views, and though of Taxi Driver. The atmosphere is more in an occasional series that exposes the narrative: all the while, a young apprentice his films are deeply affecting and rarely less exhilarated, however: in place of Travis devastatingly peculiar world of art-house (played by Barney himself, resplendent in than accomplished, their dogmatic politics Bickle’s paranoid, deadened monologue, cinema. a shocking pink kaftan) scales the elevator may offend some. Hoon’s film is alive with the warm night air, Matthew Barney is best known in the shaft, destroying parts of the building as he One filmmaker who has managed his sensuous bass from cars parked across city celebrity columns for being Björk’s goes. On the way to the top, he is confronted political persuasions in a more decorous streets, the underlying promise of sex and boyfriend, but long before that, he had hardcore punk bands Agnostic Front and fashion is the Korean filmmaker Sang Hoon. strange dreams. already begun to make a name for himself Murphys Law facing off in a ferocious A breakout homosexual auteur who snuck Sang Hoon’s films are all about lyricism as a reluctant bad-boy in the American art soundclash, and the double-amputee athlete his way into South Korea from the North at and optimism in the face of social ignorance world. His most significant work to date Aimee Mullins (wearing Plexiglas legs). the age of 17, his films tend to focus on the and vulnerability, and this is what makes is the epic Cremaster film cycle, which Packed full of beautiful imagery (other lifestyles of underground homosexuals in them so affecting and special. It’s this sort has recently been completed after seven scenes include a dead horse-race and a river Seoul. His work has been widely denounced of work that makes “underground” cinema years in production: five films, shot out of of molten Vaseline) and with its own weird in the more conservative South Asia states, important and valuable, rather than just the sequence, costing millions of dollars, named inner logic, the Cremaster films are like a and Hoon remains forbidden from entering vanity plaything of elitist obsessives. after the muscle in the human male that really good bad dream. Malaysia on pain of incarceration. Whilst The Director’s Cut: Going Underground raises and lowers the scrotum in response to Peter Watkins is an English filmmaker his work remains refreshingly non-sexually- will be continued next week. temperature change. and media critic, and has gained significant explicit, Hoon is now one of the few openly Cremaster 5 recreates a late 19th-century recognition in this country only recently. homosexual voices for explicit AIDS- opera, but adds wild deviant sex between Abroad, particularly in Europe, his awareness education in SE Asia. various creatures of unspecific gender and distinctive and overtly political films have His first film, The General’s Concubine, species, and the original Bond girl Ursula made him highlay popular among left-wing was an all-male remake of a traditional Andress in a starring role; Cremaster 2 is audiences. One of his first notable works is Korean play. Charming and sensitive, the concerned entirely with dead American The War Game, commissioned by the BBC 1997 film Love, Sex & Smoke remains more serial killer Gary Gilmore, as he searches in 1964 as a documentary film of the “what representative of his distinctive style and through the afterlife looking for Harry if?” variety. Under direct opposition from the preoccupations. With a languid visual pacing Houdini – on the way, he meets Slayer Home Office, Watkins produced a chilling that has been compared to Wong Kar-Wai, drummer Dave Lombardo attempting to drama, shot in harsh black and white: using Hoon’s films are characterised by purposely drown out a swarm of bees on a drum kit. a cast of amateurs and a script developed haphazard, handheld cinematography and Cremaster 3, meanwhile, is a three-hour through improvising crisis scenes, the film extremely long takes, framed in an overtly deals with the likely consequences of a theatrical fashion. One of the climactic “A troupe of sheep do- nuclear strike upon Britain. sequences in The General’s Concubine is Because of its naturalistic style and what nothing more than five minutes of falling ing the Can-Can have even nowadays is distressing, affecting leaves as two of the main characters footage – and also because of Watkins’ speculate upon their relationship in separate, their place in the cryptic, simulated footage with “authority figures”, interleaved monologues, to beautiful effect. making his particular contempt for Love, Sex & Smoke commences with a twisted narrative.” the Government’s continued stance on virtuosic, fifteen-minute Steadicam journey
Classic: Invasion of the Body Snatchers
A REMAKE OF the 1956 classic, this movie BY JOLYON HUNTER getting paid enough… hmm), the film is perhaps deserves note as a classic in itself. FILM EDITOR most notable for its tense and suspenseful (It was later remade again, in 1993, by Abel use of music and cinematography. Director Ferrara). It’s fair to say that the original is some kind of invasion is occurring… the Philip Kaufman (“Rising Sun”, “Quills”) still the best, and one of the most important Invasion of the Body Snatchers! has obviously seen a few Hitchcock movies Sci-Fi films of the 1950s, but this 1978 Some inspired casting enrols the likes of and uses light and shadow to great effect version still has a lot going for it. (The ’93 Leonard Nimoy (not exactly Mr. Emotion), throughout (especially in the chase towards version will probably only appeal to Ferrara Jeff Goldblum (“The Fly”, “Jurassic the end). The minimalist soundtrack fans, but its still worth a look). Still with Park”), Brooke Adams (“The First Great (usually discordant orchestral instruments) me? Good then I’ll begin… Train Robbery”) and Veronica Cartwright complements the suspense perfectly and is Set in late 70s San Francisco, the film (“Alien”, “Flight of the Navigator” and a extend tendrils which take over your body used *just* enough. The startling revelation starts with Health Department worker few episodes of “The X-Files” as Spender’s and replicate it through the pod. Once at the end of this movie is followed by the Matthew Bennell (played superbly by mother). All of whom put in top notch transformation is complete, the original credits rolling… in stark silence. Donald Sutherland) noticing that his close performances. There’s also a cameo from body dies and the “pod-people” go about The movie holds tension well, and can friends are all complaining that their family Don Siegel, director of the 1956 original, as their business. As Nimoy’s character (after be jarring to watch – the overall level of members are somehow “different”. When a cab driver. being changed) notes, the people are reborn, production is excellent and is an example of these people are questioned later they deny Plot twists abound and we learn that these complete with memories, into a world free something which was perhaps lost in the 80s anything or offer lame excuses, whilst at beings came from a dying planet, carried of trouble, free of hate, and free of love… and 90s. They really don’t make ‘em like the same time seeming “changed”. As the by the solar winds (ok so I just lost the essentially free of humanity. this anymore. It’s dark, moody, owes a lot film unfolds, more and more people are Physicists amongst you huh). They spread Superbly acted, even by the supporting cast to the 50s original in terms of lighting, and noticeably changed – devoid of emotion in the form of a small flower and associated and extras (who are believable as emotionless definitely deserves to be watched. Perfect – soon Bennell and his friends realise that pod. Once you fall asleep, the flowers pod people… maybe they just weren’t late-night viewing…Just don’t fall asleep… One World Week IS NOW OVER! One whole week’s worth of activities to promote international culture. Quizzes, films, a disco, an exhibition and a Gala show covered many areas of interest. The Gala show was the climax of the festival and a culmination of months of work by students and staff. Seven societies took the opportunity to show examples of dance, music and fashion at the Gala to a packed University Hall. The show was opened by a windband, all the way from Sweden on a tour of the area. Organised by David Lundin, International Students Officer, they provided two themed medleys of Swedish origin (Abba and Roxette!). Highlights included a fashion show from the Indian society, a Korean percussion ensemble and tradition dances from Mauritius, Lebanon, Greece and Cyprus, and all finished in time to continue the party in the Union! Huge thanks must go to Stage Crew for their professionalism, Simon Booth for helping in last minute panics, David Ristow and the cleaning team and Sally Edie and the dance department for giving up time in the hall to allow for rehearsals and the performance. Charlotte Dawson 14 THEATRE 13 March 2003 A Disney spectacular: The Lion King
DISNEY’S THE LION King is currently BY RACHAEL BEMROSE running a promotion that offers students THEATRE EDITOR the opportunity to see The Lion King at The Lyceum Theatre, London, for a steal at £15! his father’s death is his fault, Scar shames Mid-week matinee and evening performance Simba into running away from the Pride tickets are available from 10am on the day land, therefore leaving the path clear for him on a first come, first serve basis. to be king. The ends act end with Simba One of the perks of being theatre editor is meeting with what will be his greatest going to the theatre for each week so that friends during his exile, Pumbaa, the I can bring the news to you about what warthog and Timon. Act two starts off by Guildford’s Yvonne Arnaud Theatre has to showing how the pride land is in ruin since offer us in a cultural way. So last Thursday Scar’s rule: they have no water and no food. was slightly different as it wasn’t just a walk Nala, Simba’s friend when he was a young the colours and textures, were stunning. A hyenas were also pretty funny. Scar had the into town to go to the theatre, but a train and cub, decides to run away in the vain hope variety of techniques were used to depict same laconic drawl as Jeremy Irons created tube journey away, as I was going to see The of finding an answer to the problems. Here the story, which not only served to make it with the film’s character. The lighting really Lion King at the Lyceum Theatre. I always in the jungle she meets Simba and tells him more interesting, but also gave the audience enhanced the atmospheres created on stage; get excited about going to London in the what has happened. He is unsure at first but absolutely no doubt about what was going in fact I would go as far as saying that the evening: there is more of buzz than during then has an epiphany in the form of a dream on. For example, when Nala is chasing lighting created the atmosphere single the daytime. Arriving at Covent Garden, we and decides that his people need him, as he is Pumbaa when she first meets him, rather handed. headed off to the theatre, which is literally the rightful king. And as you can imagine (if than actually having the actors running So in terms of ‘should you go and see it?’ just round the corner, to get the tickets, and you don’t already know), he confronts Scar, around the stage after each other, they used I’d have to say yes. And when you think that take our seats. who admits it was he who killed Mufasa and shadow puppetry to show the action, making it will only cost you £15, then absolutely, The musical is based upon the Disney not Simba. And yes, you guessed it, Scar it non-fussy and clear. A further example definitely, get down there pronto! This 1994 animated film, though the original dies and everyone is happy. was the stampede. In the same way that is an opportunity not to be missed. This score has been expanded and features 15 So there, we have the plot, quite thin but the film used an innovative technique to promotion has been set up as part of the new songs. For those who can’t remember it was a kids’ film. One of the main things create the stampede scene, here they used West Ends attempt to encourage more or never knew the story of Simba, here’s a I took from this production was that it was a rotating wheel of wildebeest figures, to people to come and enjoy London’s theatre, brief synopsis. Simba is the son of Mufasa, exactly that: a truly brilliant production. create the effect of loads of wildebeest so take advantage of it! the King of the Jungle. Mufasa has an evil Maybe I am naïve, but you could see that coming at you! Tickets are available from 10am on the brother, Scar, who likes hanging out with every aspect of this production had been The characters were given real animation day, for mid-week performances (Tuesday- low life animals, like the rasping hyenas. thought out. The lighting, colour, contrasts with their costumes, having moving parts, Thursday evenings, 7.30pm and Wednesday Scar plots to accidentally on purpose kill and textures of the costumes and scenery and in particular the leopard puppeteer had matinee, 2pm). It’s at the Lyceum Theatre, Mufasa and Simba by causing a wildebeest were outstanding. The powerful rhythms all the mannerisms of a leopard, making it and the closest tube is Covent Garden. stampede, but is only successful in getting and amazing voices bowled me over. The all the more convincing. Timon and Pumbaa Tickets are only available during school rid of his brother. Convincing Simba that vivacity of the movement coupled with were as hilarious as in the film; the term time.
At the Yvonne Arnaud: Stones In His Pockets Theatre preview
Love and Marriage was due to star the late BY DAISY CLAY trying to seduce Hugh playing Jake. The Adam Faith: it was for his performance in play contains many hilarious caricatured it that he was rapturously applauded by a Northern Ireland, sees the advert saying or over the top aspects to certain characters, delighted audience, before he was taken ill “extras wanted”. With his video shop which is obviously a technique used in many in his hotel room, late last Friday evening. business in tatters and having recently been comedies, where men play male roles and Originally one of Britain’s top pop stars, dumped by his girlfriend, he decides to make women play the female roles. What makes Faith made the switch to acting but still a break and sees working as an extra for £40 this doubly funny is the how convincing produced many of Leo Sayer’s hits of the a day on a film set, as an ideal opportunity these men are at playing women, albeit in a 1970’s along with Roger Daltrey. Most to get his screenplay seen by those in the slightly affected manner, as it goes against recently he was seen on television in The It’s one of those plays that I’ve seen business. the traditional. Careful human observation House that Jack Built; his part Love and advertised all over London for over a year, Along with Jake and Charlie, you meet and a deep understanding of life in Ireland, Marriage was a return to the stage following and have always wanted to see, but have Simon, the first assistant director, Aisling, have led Marie Jones to create a dramatic, a seven year absence. never quite got round to it. So, when I saw a production assistant who is in charge of Irish tale, that has both great moments In his place, the former Eastenders nasty, that the national tour of the Award winning the extras, Old Mickey, an old local who is of hilarity as well as moments of great Leslie Grantham, takes on the role of Bill, a play by actress and playwright Marie Jones, famous for being the only surviving extra sadness. man married to his wife to whom he almost I got quite excited. My main recollection from The Quiet Man, Clem Curtis, the So, I hear ya, you’re saying, what about compulsively lies. Though she knows about of the advertisements was blue sky, green director, Sean Harkin, Jake’s young cousin, the cow?! Well, as you can expect in an his infidelities, his wife still loves him. grass, the title and a cow. I had always into drugs and with a lifelong yearning to be area where there are a lot of fields, there Tony, on the other hand, believes honesty is wondered about the significance of the cow, a film star, Finn, a local; friend of Sean and are a lot of cows. When, at the end of the the best policy when it comes to marriage: if any. So here, I will endeavour to tell you Jake, Caroline Giovanni, the American star play, Jake and Charlie are full of tragedy a philosophy which has earned him twenty what it’s about, what I think of it and what’s of the film, John, who is her dialect coach, induced optimism, they decide they will years of marital stability with Ruth. Then with the cow. Brother Gerard, a teacher at the local school, write a screenplay all about their experience there is Gerry and Anne: Gerry is rich and The play is set in County Kerrywhich Jock Campbell, Caroline’s security man, Mr as extras on a film set. In honour of their successful, but can money buy them love? has been used on occasions for Hollywodd Harkin, Sean’s father, and Dave, a rigger on friend’s love of cows, they decide an This comedy is a funny and poignant movies as a location, the local population the film crew who has a supply of drugs. essential part of their film will be the bovine look at relationships and what really makes enjoying the rewards of acting as extras in So, you’d think, quite a lot of characters creature. couples stay together, written by Donald these films. there, must be quite a big cast? Well you’d I really enjoyed this play. Having Churchill who also wrote episodes of The Within the play the film The Quiet Valley be wrong. Not only are all the characters wanted to see it for some time, I was not Sweeney. is being filmed. The first characters the only played by two actors, but they are disappointed. Not only did it have an The play runs from Monday 17th March to audience are introduced to are Jake Quinn convincing in all of the characters they exciting plot, with scenes that didn’t drag Saturday 22nd March at the Yvonne Arnaud and Charlie Conlon, two of the film extras. portray. Using minimal props and mime, but kept you interested, you had the added theatre. Box Office tel. 01483 44 4400, Jake is a local man, who has recently Malcolm Adams (Charlie Conlon) and joy of watching to extremely good actors or www.yvonne-arnaud.co.uk. Student returned from New York, dispirited when Hugh Lee (Jake Quinn) chop and change showcase an ensemble cast before your standby tickets are available 1 hour before his dream of finding his fortune does not from one moment to the next between eyes. The marriage of this with the punchy a performance, priced £7. Performances come to fruition. He dreams of becoming a their characters. The funniest moments are writing of Marie Jones, is imprinted on my are Mon-Thurs 7.45pm, Fri & Sat 8pm, and movie star. Charlie, from Ballycastle, elicited when Malcolm playing Caroline is memory. Thurs & Sat matinees at 2.30pm. 13 March 2003 LITERATURE 15
original material over constantly, like a predator waiting continue with my work. Yet, there is still it. I enjoy university, yet sometimes I can’t to attack. Is it worth all this? I look at something there. Something powerful that help but despise it. old friends, who have their own house, an escapes any tangible explanation. As my Yet, we all continue our lives. I convince average job – married, some of them. Yet mind dwells on burden, it becomes more the creature in my mind that fake optimism I feel trapped, knowing that I will leave powerful, feeding on my fear. Why don’t spawns real optimism. The world certainly this place to be mobbed by debts and the I know what it is? Is it loneliness? I’m on is never what we make it out to be, but our Reports, essays, courseworks, maths… the daunting prospect of entering industry. a university campus with 12,000 students, perception of the world can be moulded as endless witch-hunt for knowledge across Education, education, education. What plenty of friends… and I feel lonely? we please. Inspiration comes day by day, thousands of pages of repetitiveness. I sit is education? Does education end in the Sometimes I fear not the burden, but the along with the dreary reminder that we are at my desk with a can of Fosters, wondering classroom? Does university really teach us worry that comes with the burden. For it is on our own in this big wide world. where all this is going. Student loans, all we need to know? this that penetrates my mind, occupying it overdrafts, accommodation bills… looming Sighing, I try to deviate from self-pity, and until some solution comes along and heals poetry The competitions bit is just here
We have a plethora of competitions this week for you all. Well, three competitions, anyway, which is a plethora of sorts. Cer- tainly in the realm of competitions. lingerie line out. So the press release goes: Anyway, since one person and one person “As the winter chill dissolves into the fresh only entered either competition from last vibrancy of spring, Miss Selfridge offer a the mirror by katy saunders week, we have decided to keep both open lingerie collection that can only be described When you look in the mirror, what do you see? instead of nabbing the prizes ourselves. as exquisite. With distinctive French I’m sure that you can’t see the same thing as me. The first was to celebrate the fact the DJ overtones fused with subtle sensuality Yoda will be coming to the Union to play and all things chic, combined with fabrics When I look in the mirror, I see staring back next Friday and gave you the opportunity to oozing femininity, put some va-va-voom in An ugly lump of mottled flesh, an ugly lump of slack. win loads of goodies from sidekick and the your smalls wardrobe this season. I cannot stand the me I see; I’ve always felt this way. man himself. All you have to do to win is Strawberry pink and vivid aqua polka dots I pull the mirror off the wall, I turn and look away. answer the following question: run riot over frilly French knickers with mischievous side-ties. Parisian-style cami- When I look in the mirror, a young girl stands there. Q. what drink is bringing the dj bootleg tour knickers in soft cotton sit low on the hips With a slim, sexy body; she has long, flowing hair. to the Union? and are worn with co-ordinating balconette Everyone loves her; no boy would deny bras or slinky vests in nude shades.” All they want is her body, and for this, they will try. The answer is sidekick. The question, then, is this: When I look in the mirror, I’m always surprised. Q. by which French city are the cami- I have a reflection: though, people do try knickers inspired? To convice me I should not be seen in this way. The second competition gives you the A vampire has no reflection! they say. chance to win a copy of the EZ-rollers new It’s not that difficult. All answers to album “Titles of the Unexpected.” The [email protected] and the boyfriend When I look in the mirror, I stare at the frown question is as follows: of the lucky winner can send the free That takes over my visage, made up like a clown. alcoholic beverage to the media centre to With white and black make-up all over my face Q: name the old skool rapper who is say thank you. Either that or he can send I cannot be free; I must leave this place. appearing on ‘Titles of the unexpected’? his girlfriend. When I look in a mirror, a person stands there, The answer is Doug E Fresh. Bags under her eyes, and a blank, toneless stare. Eyes blank from the drugs taken hours before, In order to win either of the above A life not worth existing. What is it all for? competitions, therefore, you just need to take one minute to send an e-mail to When I glance at the mirror, a body lies there. [email protected] with both of those I can barely sit up now, I can barely despair. answers. Not hard really. It’s not a bad feeling, as your life slips away Relief comes from knowing this is your last day. The third and new competition this week has been a tough proposition for me this week I imagine the mirror, and what it would say. as I have had to spend hours on the internet A mirror does not tell the truth, anyway. looking at women in their underwear - all in The truth comes from people you know and you love. the name of research. Yes! Research! And love comes from beauty; love comes from above. Those lovely people at Miss Selfridge and NUS Ents have got together to offer £50 My truth, lacking beauty, is lacking this love, worth of vouchers to the reader who answers This love that’s denied me, that comes from above. the question below. barefacts readership soars as girl in In dying, I ponder, I think with despair. Miss Selfridge, you see, have a new lingerie makes appearance What’s beauty without someone with you to share? 16 MUSIC 13 March 2003
FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH THE CARDIGANS | STOCKHOLM singles This new single from the cardigans is much gentler than say, my favourite game was – this is up-tempo still but truly beautiful, with the focus on singer Nina Persson’s voice. This song is romantic without LIFESTLYES OF THE RICH AND JERK IT OUT being over the top, a neat feat. FAMOUS THE CAESARS | VIRGIN The music is stripped back GOOD CHARLOTTE | EPIC This is one hell of a tune, showing and simple, with a pleasing A recent study revealed that if all the world of rock how it should guitar melody, serviceable bass the members of all the identikit be done. They’ve incorporated line and some nice harmonica US punk-pop acts were laid a quite standard garage rock work. Kind of a country feel head-to-toe, the resultant human song with an absolutely stonking to it, which is a surprising but chain would stretch to the moon Inspiral Carpets-style organ line pleasant change in direction. and back several times. This may running through the intro and eight | n.c be a total fabrication, but if the chorus. It really does make all the bandwagon continues to gain EACH FINGER HAS AN ATTITUDE difference and turns what could momentum at its current rate, it GRAND POPO FOOTBALL CLUB | BMG be quite an average track into an may one day become reality. With Just to clarify, the grand popo outstanding one. j.a. | nine the genre having reached critical football club are not actually mass long ago, it takes something a football club (put it down to really special to stand out from Gallic humour). What they are is a the crowd – and Good Charlotte, French duo that makes Daft Punk in spite of achieving UK Top style house music (yes another Ten chart status with this mildly one). Each Finger Has An Attitude infectious yet totally uninspired is a perfectly danceable slice of track, are really nothing special at whimsical electro cheese from all. five | j.d. the forthcoming album ‘Shampoo Victims’, and it’s worth checking SUGAH out if you think you’d enjoy the RUBY AMANFU | POLYDOR beat-locked sound of Gerard After first hearing this on radio Houllier shrugging his shoulders it had that grabbing quality, then on a Sunday afternoon. six | a.c. suddenly wondering if Texas had released a new single but no this soulful twenty-two year old can PUNK ROCK PRINCESS WHEN I’M GONE hold a tune that’s fresh and catchy. THIS JOKE’S ON ME SOMETHING CORPORATE | ISLAND 3 DOORS DOWN | UNIVERSAL In a time of cover after cover STABB | MUSIC FOR NATIONS RECORDS GROUP 3DD are yet another band whose in the tired pop charts a ray of Stabb are indie-punks from They come from Southern unashamed adherence to the sunlight is shone when once in a Sweden (is the entire population California – strike one. They Seattle-lite template has brought while the likes of Ruby show you of the country in a band?) and have the kind of cheery pop them staggering popularity at can both write and sing, I know its their new single This Jokes on punk choruses that I find home, with sales of their debut hard to believe. seven | m.b. Me is fairly accurately summed incredibly grating – strike album The Better Life exceeding up by the title. We’ve enjoyed a two. However, they have a the 6 million mark across the succession of talented Swedish few twists on the familiar pop- Atlantic. Fortunately, unlike the bands recently but this is not punk formula such as having typical output of many of their one of them. Containing the a piano-playing frontman and contemporaries, When I’m Gone kind of tune that Kurt Cobain a string section appearing at (lifted from forthcoming second might have effortlessly shat out the climax of the song. During album Away From The Sun) at when he was in fifth grade, this the verses there is an excellent least has a reasonably memorable song is pop-punk by numbers. driving piano/guitar line which tune and avoids lapsing deeply “I’m butt-ugly, so are you” I enjoyed. This song has enough into self-indulgent misery, which the female Cobain wannabe originality and quality to stand is about the best you can hope for. screams. Why don’t they just out from the pop-punk crowd – I feel another six coming… six | cover ‘Lithium’? three | a.c. but that’s not difficult.six | n.c. j.d.
LADIES MAN THE D4 | INFECTIOUS RECORDS New Zealand quartet, The D4 deliver the goods once again with their fifth single release through Infectious Records. Lifted from the debut album ‘6Twenty’, ‘Ladies Man’ is a perfectly crafted single which lasts just over 3 minutes, shortish, shape and very sweet. The catchy chorus and clever lyrics demonstrates all words by very excellent music team comprising of: just how it’s done. A track to put al read | andrew malek | si- on before you hit the town on a mon robinson | anna wheeler | friday night, or any night for that jonathan darzi | matty b | anthos matter! B-sides, ‘Invader Ace - chrysanthou | jonathan howel l Live’ and ‘Outta Blues - Live’ are terje tjervaag | johnathan allen | worth checking out. Rock ‘n’ roll! nick clancy nine | s.b 13 March 2003 MUSIC 17
HE ROTTO T G KILLING TIME BETWEEN MEALS KRISTIN HERSH AD | 4 REVOLVO | TUMMY TOUCH This is a very accomplished Take Lemon Jelly add a pinch of acoustic album. Most of the funk, a tablespoon of percussion tracks are quite beautiful in their and smidgen of samples. Mix simplicity – the brittle and flimsy thoroughly for 1 hour and leave tunes make you want to wrap to settle. Serve lukewarm. This them up in cotton wool to stop is Revolvo and their new album them from breaking. At times ‘Killing Time Between Meals’ albums Kristin has a very frail sounding released on Tummy Touch; it voice which adds to the excellent aims to lightly please those snack atmospheric sound that the album times without spoiling the dinner has. Unfortunately this does (kind of like a Milky way). And it also lead to some of the tracks does exactly that. There’s nothing sounding quite insubstantial too sweet on this album but none and over delicate. The songs are too sour, overall a pleasant seem to blend into each other a blend. Ideal for sunny days and bit too much, with no stand out dissertation writing. j.h. | seven tracks that I can recall, but to be honest I’m splitting hairs. It’s an excellent album, with the KEEP ON YOUR MEAN SIDE slight faults easy to ignore. j.a. THE KILLS | DOMINO | eight Whilst most of Europe and the world sit in fear of the Anglo-American duo of Bush and Blair little do they know that there is a more fearful pairing that they need to watch out for. Straight from the gutters of New York and London are VV and Hotel, a trans- atlantic duo ready to rough you up with some rock n roll snarl on their debut ‘Keep on your mean side’. Think PJ Harvey, Royal Trux and Velvet Underground playing stripped down filthy Led Zeppelin riffs and your close. Take ‘Fuck the People’, a testament to this dirty blues messed upness. ‘Pull A U’ is Black Rebel motorcycle club with PJ Harvey on vocals as VV snarls “I’m your black magic and your 2 dollar love.” This is cheap and nasty but sometimes that’s just what you’re looking for. Achingly www.thekills.tv brilliant! nine | s.r.
Guildford’s not known for moments when they break from I AM THE MESSIAH producing any bands that have their normal formula. Fourth some good tunes but a rethink MC HONKY | B-UNIQUE RECORDS gone onto be famous, more of track ‘I will let you down’ is more is required regarding the two After receiving a tape at a gig E a place for famous rock stars to crazed Blink 182 than Linkin singer arrangement - at least from the Eels was introduced to settle in rather than grow up in. Park and closing track ‘Western they managed to piss everyone a concept he found appealing, Now however, there is the Music Mechanism’ ends with Pink Floyd off! similar style vocals with a mix Academy and local pubs are style epicness. If they break the It gets to ten o’ clock and of styles colliding together that providing more opportunities for mold a bit more they could be an the place has emptied a bit, create I Am The Messiah. E bands to play in Guildford. This exciting prospect. maybe due to a parental took control as producer to give is what the Red Dog nights are Walking almost the same road curfew or maybe because the this fifty something the chance also aiming to do, to provide a big as Welsh Nu-Metallers The Lost Chephas aren’t the kind of to live an unlikely career. The stage (the Civic is definitely that) Prophets, Jodan have also opted typical Guildford band that we creative use of track structure for local bands to hone their skills for two different singers, one to have seen tonight. The singer on A Good Day To Be You of for larger audiences. Any of you scream and one to sing properly. energetically leaps into the spoken poetry over electronic who walk round Guildford cannot It was unfortunate that this over first note of the opening song strings is chilled and effective. SEVEN EASY PIECES fail to notice the large number of reliance on vocals was allowed and this causes those that have More upbeat Baby Elephant THE DETROIT COBRAS | ROUGH Nu-metal/Skater clones dragging to detract from some otherwise stayed into a frenzy of dancing. Rock-A-Bye stands out as one TRADE their baggy trousers through great bass riffs and heavyweight The members may have looked dam good title but is topped Like many of the bands which puddles; if you’ve wondered drumming. Unfortunately this is like they were dressed for only by the track itself that make up the current Detroit where they go in the evenings an intrinsic problem with many old indie failures Menswear, builds up with weird vocals scene, the Detroit Cobras have then this is it. With an average Nu-metal bands. The lack of but their indie boy looks give and inspired flute is fused with been snapped up by an English age of about sixteen the venue imagination and professionalism them a distinct difference from a rather funky guitar riff. Fans record label to try and exploit the is full of enthusiastic youngsters upfront shouldn’t be allowed to their counterparts, “we are the of the Eels maybe curious of lack of imagination in some of jumping around the dance floor hold back the rest of the band; new wave,” they cry. Yes in this up-tempo album that has the garage rock scene purveyors. with parents watching at the back. disappointingly that’s exactly Guildford, but they may be an unique direction that’s led This is the first offering by the What seems fashionable at the what happens tonight. The set getting ahead of themselves. At by Mc Honky but to be frank Cobras on Rough Trade and as the moment in Guildford is Nu-metal. opener was notable highlight, their best they sound like an old oozes the Eels with trade mark title suggests is seven covers of Fred Durst remains a hero (Jonny the thumping bass and demonic Idlewild, but there also those melodies and strange goings on. obscure blues tracks. The Blues Knoxville isn’t in a band) and vocals worked well together moments when they again go six | m.b. have been around in Detroit even this is what Days of Worth base despite the attempted Anthony back to the formulaic screaming longer than Ford has been and this themselves on, a kind of Hundred Kiedis posturing of Jodan’s aged and Nu-metal riffs. A bit more album sound’s just as dated, about Reasons meets Linkin Park. They lead-singer. About four songs in swagger and singing as opposed as fresh as a homemade Alabama can all play well and at times their there was a fantastic drum intro to screaming then they might pie made by my great great loud guitars and perfectly played and useful guitar riff (although be able to sell a few more of Gran. A dreary and disappointing guitar riffs are exciting. But then this was pretty hard to hear as those t-shirts they generously offering from the normally the identi-kit Nu-metal formula the guitar sound level was so had on sale at the back. simon excellent Cobras. five | s.r. becomes a bit tiresome. There are low). This is a talented band with robinson & alex read Whats On events Friday 14th - Sunday 23rd March “______It shouldn’t be the responsibility of the VP Comms to write something here_”
K-Klass loves the 90’s Fri See feature ad for details Graham Gold cigarsandgoodliving Plus a holiday for two to Ibiza Sat Main Union 9-2am Main Union Sport Some football, www.skysports.com Free Film for details Harry Potter & Chamber Sun of secrets 7pm ‘Still the best deal in town’ Pay £9 on the door, and pay no more. Mon Main Union 9-2am Battle of the Bands Tue Main Union from 7pm CHESNEYHAWKES Wed Live on Stage Main Union, £5 before 11pm hancellorsC hallenge Its the quiz of the week. Thu Chancellors 8pm The Sidekick Bootleg Tour Bring your favourite record or CD and have it Fri played out by DJ Yoda Main Union 9-2am Six Nations Live in the Union Live night, See posters for details Sat Daytime Free Film Main Union Sport Road to Perdition Liverpool Vs Leeds (2pm) Sun Film Start 8:30pm Arsenal Vs Everton (4pm) 13 March 2003 VOLUNTEERING 19 The weekly USSU V-opportunity update
The V-project coordinator, Alli Cummings, returns once again to update the opportunites available through the volunteering scheme started by the Students’ Union this year
HELLO FROM V and here I am again park. All you have to do is to use actually be doing lots of different and to give your weekly dose of V your imagination! This project is the interesting jobs around the hospital. I opportunities. This week I thought we perfect opportunity to develop a wide would just say though that this project would go for a slightly green angle with range of skills from understanding of isn’t for the faint hearted as you will the first V opportunity by telling you environmental issues, working with be expected to prepare the food for the about “Young Peoples Trust For The young children to leadership and injured animals which is often a smaller food, entertainment and fun for people Environment”. The purpose of this communication skills. dead animal. It might sound pretty who would often spend a Saturday organisation is to help young people to Sticking with the environmental theme gruesome but it is essential that the sick afternoon alone. We have booked out understand the environmental problems the next opportunity is Wildlife Aid, animals are fed a similar diet to the one University Hall so we need volunteers that we face today and to see how they which as you might have guessed is a they are used to in the wild. Oh and to help prepare the food, decorate the can change this. However it’s not wildlife hospital for injured animals. for those of you wondering about the hall, provide entertainment i.e bingo your usual environmental organisation The hospital deal with anything from location of the hospital, it is based in callers etc, dancing partners and giving lectures on how we should deers, badgers and hedgehogs to Leatherhead just 5 minutes walk from people to help out in anyway possibly all change our habits to protect the blackbirds and sparrows infact they the train station so very easy to get to really. Come on it is going be a great environment, the Young Peoples Trust will help practically any animal that and of course as usual V can cover your afternoon and all it takes is just a few think that the best way to inform young is injured. As they are one of the only travel expenses. hours of your time to help create a fun people is to get the children involved wildlife hospitals in Surrey, they are Then last but not least I thought I afternoon for some golden oldies! with really visual projects that are run very busy and as you guessed desperate would end this weeks article by telling As usual, the way to get involved by young volunteers. So what they do for volunteers!. If you decided to you all about a project that is also in with any of the above projects or to is give volunteers up to £3500 to fund volunteer then you would be cleaning need of some really keen people to get find out more about volunteering is to a project that will help the children to and feeding the patients, mucking out involved. The A Team are running a get in contact with me, Alli Cummings learn. For example you might start a the pens and just helping out in anyway Golden Oldies Jazz Dance on the 22nd – The V Co-Ordinator by either recycling project in a school, design you can. However what is great March for around 50 elderly people emailing [email protected] a video to show to primary schools about this project is that volunteers from Guildford. The purpose of the or by popping into the Students Union or create a nature trail through a local are expected to get stuck in and will day is to provide 2 hours of dancing, Activity Centre for a chat. 20 INTERACTIVE 13 March 2003
Week 7 Answer: The court was Cathedral Court, and the building the bin was outside was 2A Quiz Why this wasn’t thought of any earlier we don’t know, but thanks to your on-going Week 8 Clue: This week a thing… I’m too contributions, we have yet another reader’s lyrics quiz. This week’s is by Ben Taylor and tired to think of what to call it, so I’m just Gill East, who have the following to say on their offering: “To make this interesting quiz going to call it a thing. more...interesting we’ve given it a theme of transport, in either the lyric, song name or artist name. I doubt many people will get some of them, but that’s not my fault.” chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter So the gauntlet has been set and, if you can manage to forget that the answers are just down to the bottom right of this particular double spread, you’d do well to rise to Ben and Gill’s challenge. I had a go and I was rubbish, but then I never listen to the lyrics of a song. And I’m going deaf.
[1] “Will you visit me please, if I open my door” [2] “Don’t know when I’ll be back again” [3] “‘Cause I don’t want my boat to be rocking” [4] “We’ll be looking flashy in my Mercedes Benz” [5] “Rapping on the windows, Whistling down the chimney pot” [6] “We’ve said good bye the taxi cab is waiting” [7] “Put up a parking lot”
[8] “I’ve got 40 acres and you’ve got 43” [9] “My baby beside me at the wheel”
Who wants to be a millionaire? [10] “Drove my Chevy to the levy” well - surely not many of us would turn a million quid down “
£100: which if these names is also a herb? I can’t seem to find the words a: rosemary | b: beryl | c: doris | d: ethel that’s because this is a word search
£200: whose ‘Thriller’ album is one of the biggest selling of all time? searching for synonyms with an internet a: michael jackson | b: madonna | c: dire straits | d: elvis presley search engine will end in disappointment £300: which fictional resort is terrorised by a great white shark in the film ‘Jaws’? a: long beach | b: bodega bay | c: newport news | d: amity island £500: which of these words is Australian slang for a friend? “ a: cobber | b: digger | c: drongo | d: gallah
£1k: which of these birds can fly? a: penguin | b: puffin | c: ostrich | d: kiwi
£2k: in Australia, the Melbourne Cup is the most prestigious event in which sport? a: rugby | b: Aussie rules football| c: horse-racing | d: cricket
£4k: Cardinal Richelieu is a major figure in the history of which country? a: england| b: france | c: belgium | d: holland
£8k: which instrument records the speed of and distance covered by a vehicle? a: tachograph | b: pantograph | c: hygrograph | d: chronograph
£16k: who is the Earl of Chester? a: prince andrew | b: prince philip | c: prince william | d: prince charles
£32k: what does the archer fish shoot at its prey? a: water | b: venom | c: small stones | d: blood
£64k: which garment is secured by a sash called an ‘obi’? Chris Tarrant vs. Anne Robinson in a: kimono | b: sari | c: jellaba | d: judo robe a bout to decide the world quiz-host heavyweight championship of the £125k: of what is gymnophobia the fear? world. Who would win? Your thoughts, please: [email protected] a: nudity | b: women | c: marriage | d: exercise
£250k: how many satellites has the planet Uranus? Having decided that word searches are very much the activity of primary a: 9 | b: 11 | c: 13 | d: 15 school children, we are toying with the idea of having a kriss-kross, or “jig-word” as we believe some people call it, in its place next week. £500k: the Queen Alexandra’s birdwing, the world’s largest butterfly, is native to which For those of you unaware of what a “jig-word” is, it’s basically like a country? crossword, except you already have the answers and you have to fit them a: bali | b: borneo | c: madagascar | d: new guinea into a grid. It’s a funny thing, but quite easy. You can also have ones that are for numbers, but they are quite easy. Unless you’re no good £1m: in which Canadian province is Uranium City? with numbers. Anyway, if you’d rather have one of those, then let us a: alberta | b: saskatchewan | c: manitoba | d: british columbia know at the usual address: [email protected] 13 March 2003 LIFESTYLE 21
ife after the womb words: rich w Final years Funkyberry (CIT) and Ickle Sarah (Music) give L a random slice of campus life from their humble dwellings within Battersea Court Rawson…
Quiz THERE IS something interesting about HI THERE. This week as I’m kinda all Returning once again to answer your questions, Sister Rosa Harringdon of the St. Mary shared showers at University, especially washed out from the election I can’t really the Virgin and Dressmaker Convent in Godalming this time focuses her attentions on the when you’re sharing with the guys on think what to write… so instead of writing portrayal of God in popular culture, most notably in song lyrics. The first question comes Rawson 2. Normally one would expect the about things that happened on campus, I’m from Harry, a final year maths student: odd hair to appear in the drains, and maybe going to write about the dream I had last Coldplay have been doing very well for themselves lately: number one album, sell-out tours an empty shampoo bottle once in a while, night (although I was in my campus room and, for the one of them at least, a very nice girlfriend indeed. Do you indeed think that but finding the shower caked in mud, with when I had the dream (I think?), so it could God Put A Smile On Your Face, where “your” in this case signifies Chris Martin? water flooding the floor? Not an everyday be kinda relevant). Sister Harringdon answers: that’s a very interesting question. Of course, I’m not too sure occurrence… so you would think… Three WELL THERE was this tunnel thing, like a who this Chris Martin chap is… of the boys on my floor regularly partake cavern with a low rocky roof, stalagmite/ He’s the lead singer of Coldplay and is the one with the nice girlfriend. in the traditional Wednesday afternoon tites and slippery floor. There were some Sister Harringdon answers: well in that case, what you suggested could very well be the ‘roll around in a muddy field and grab a people at the other end of the corridor, case. Of course, any person who follows the word of God will invariably be happy, as their ball from other guys’, otherwise known as and we all had torches. Now we were all path will be the right and just one. football! But as opposed to having a shower there to find some giant bees. The people Are you saying that it is God’s sole purpose in omniscience to put a smile on people’s at varsity (I presume they have such things at the other end of the corridor had found faces? there?!) and heading off for some good old that little bits of the walls were in fact Sister Harringdon replies: indeed. I’ve often spoken to Him and he has told me of times Bar Pride drinking, they regularly return honeycomb. In one part of the wall there he has really helped those in need. There was this one occasion on which there was a girl home, resplendent in their sopping wet kit, was a little hole, and you could hear bees who, in a Jim’ll Fix It type of way, said she would like to be God for the day. and run around the floor throwing mud at flying around behind the hole. As in the Manic Street Preachers track The Girl Who Wanted To Be God? one another, before gravitating towards the MEANWHILE I was at the other end of the Sister Harringdon replies: it might very well have been. She popped up to the Pearly shower (not together, I hasten to add… I tunnel trying to look for holes that could Gates like a rabbit in a field of carrots and God took her in hand and gave her the best day don’t think…)! The net result? The next signify that giant bees lived there. Finally she had ever had. She wrote Him a postcard to say thank you, and He cherishes it to this person taking a shower has to wade through I found a hole, around an inch in diameter. day, or so He told me. something resembling a football pitch to I shone my torch in, and I could make out Out of interest, what does God think of the Manic Street Preachers? Does he think they get themselves clean…. ish… some bees. I stood up again to think, and have been better or worse since Richie left? LAST WEEK I paid a rare visit to my shone the torch around me a bit more. To Sister Harringdon replies: I think He prefers the more orthodox approaches to sermons. departmental office, to pick up the so called my horror I found that ALL the walls were Those fellows out on the street can get a little rumbustious every once in a while. I think ‘graduation pack’ – probably the single actually made out of honeycomb!! The He prefers the Calm Parish Preachers, in all honesty. most scary thing I have had to collect from sound of the giant bees was getting louder, Crowded House once suggested in their song There Goes God that the Creator was jealous there, even taking into account exam results and we couldn’t let them get out of the hole of Beelzebub because, and I quote, “he looks so good in black.” Does God really get a and suchlike. This means I am actually and make honey out of us!! I ran up the pang of the old green monster every time He sees his greatest adversary prancing around expected to pass this year, and walk corridor to tell the other people about the in Armani? through Guildford Cathedral on June 19th discovery…. Things went a bit hazy at this Sister Harringdon replies: I was afraid this was going to come up. Unfortunately, the wearing a nice gown, complete with blue point, and I couldn’t really explain… but it reason Lucifer was finally ejected from heaven was because of his tendency to wear the hood (and white trim, for us lucky musos). was something to do with building a bridge same outfit as God to all of the major parties and dinner functions. You know how it is: Maybe that’s why they give us our tickets to escape, but as it was made of honey you spend hours deciding whether it is going to be the long white cloak and staff option (as so early on – once they’ve been handed it collapsed, so we used a bridge builder modelled by Gandalf in that rather wonderful Lord of the Rings) or the more daring black over to doting parents, then we’ll have no Lemming to make one for us. Then I woke silk sash with Far Eastern motif and, having decided upon the latter, find someone else has option other than to pass, with the constant up. exactly the same outfit. It’s embarrassing at the best of times, but Lucifer did it too many “you are doing all your work aren’t you?” SO THE moral of this week’s message is that times for it to be purely coincidence. As it was, The Almighty found out that Lucifer was coming in via email, text and phone each if you’re having a weird dream and you see paying His tailor handsomely and thus was showing Him up deliberately. So God had him day! a Lemming, don’t worry as the dream is ejected. I CAN hear the birds singing outside my almost over. As in removed from the premises? window once again. It must be a good three chris ‘funkyberry’ hunter Sister Harringdon replies: I’m afraid so. It was a rather ugly scene and didn’t show God weeks since I’ve found the land of nod at in the best of lights. Indeed, He suffered rather after that and eventually even His son got any time before about 4am. Maybe this all uppity-jibbet and stormed out the house. By the time he got back he’d been beaten up week is the time to re-acclimatise myself to by a group of Romans and His Father felt ever so guilty. Many a discussion has gone on non-nocturnal habits, and start finding out about that, rest assured. who my lecturers are again.‘ickle sarah John Martyn said that I’d Rather Be The Devil. What do you think to that? Sister Harringdon replies: well, it must be said that he has a naturally better metabolism than God and so doesn’t have to watch what he eats, but aside from that, I cannot agree Upside-down answers with Mr Martyn. Lyrics quiz: [1] Gary Numan, A reasonable answer, especially given God’s position in the general scheme of things. An “Cars” [2] Chantel Kreviazuk, “Leaving on a jet plane” [3] Bob interesting thought, though, was suggested by Joan Osbourne: what if God was One Of Marley, “Don’t rock the boat” [4] Us? What if He was on the bus, trying to make His way home? Would God use public Pink, “Get the Party Started” [5] transport? Ocean Colour Scene, “The day we Sister Harringdon replies: it’s an interesting point this Osbourne lady has come up with. caught the train” [6] Take That, “Everything Changes” [7] Joni I’m sure God would be interested in public transport, though I believe He’s not a fan of Mitchell, “Big yellow taxi” [8] The buses. Instead, I think He would prefer to take the Tube – you know where you are, then. Wurzels, “Combine Harvester” [9] Joan Osbourne also wonders what God’s face might look like. Do you have a picture or an Status Quo, “No particular place to accurate description? go” [10] Don McLain, “American Pie” Sister Harringdon replies: He does need a shave, I’ll tell you that. WWTBAM: [£100: a]; [£200: a]; And does He get many phone calls or is it just the Pope maybe in Rome? [£300: d]; [£500: a]; [£1k: b]; [£2k: Sister Harringdon replies: well, He has Orange Everyday50, so after 7pm He’s on the c]; [£4k: b]; [£8k: a]; [£16k: d]; phone to anyone and everyone. There’s a chap in Britain He’s been speaking to a lot, [£32k: a]; [£64k: a]; [£125k: a]; [£250k: d]; [£500k: d]; [£1m: b]. lately. Goes by the name of Blair, I think – some moral judgement or other he’s having problems with… 22 PERSONALS 13 March 2003
Don’t leave barefacts in your car. Your car will (and orange hats) J.A.K clean and fresh! smell of barefacts. Cheers for your girlfriends number escort! Edge pulled a minger, Edge pulled a minger, la la yipee she’s moved out You can lick my ripples. la la What do you mean sign a cheque? who stole the slice of pizza, was it baron von Who’s the DADDY?? do u know? It’s always fun to stay at the.....YMCA hamilton with the bald head, redmond the fairy, or Wanted....chairman to cough up £120 for tour! the illegal imigrant? Have you ever been a professional podium dancer Edge, did you have fish fingers for dinner on girl from House 58 ? RIP The Surrey Hockey Club. If anyone survives friday?! the weekend they obviously weren’t there! nothing tastes better than a spunk sandwich To the hockey girl ‘dancer’... Are you a tits & tum d\this is bull shit! girl or a legs & bum girl? If you’re going to do something wrong, do it wrong Dear Leigh and Katie, seeing as you both are too properly! 5 goats on a fence, you know it makes sense!! stupid to go to university I’ve done the next thing It might’ve been ur birthday last week but ur tits and given you a personal in barefacts. Love you are still saggier than mine!! only joking, we know Is it true that Guildford girls are easy? I hear they elephant juice both - Well love Katie more!! xxx ur nipples point to God, ur one true love, 323 xxx are TMobile regrets to inform u that the network I think we should change the ten o’clock rule Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way...... Heh Princessnoo! Don’t forget your French has gone down on everyone except u. We regret 2 to two in the morning - trust me you’ll reap the ...... Connection thinks of you and that the FUNKY inform u that no-one would go down on u, not even benifits!!!xxx spirit is still alive somewehre in our heart. a network !! I love Russian men! You’re how REAL men CT of CIT you are fit, and you know it! should be - especially Alexis! Do you know which hand it’s in yet? The NHS regrets to inform u that ur birth was an accident, please report to ur nearest hospital to be what – computing technology is fit? Is the weather making anybody else feel Girl with the silver tits- fuck me they’re a nice put down, we apologise for any inconvenience ! HORNEY?!! pair! Cinnemon! mmm... Mary had a little lamb and tied it to a pylon, 1000 Pablos, when are we going to get it on? From you Arthur- don’t ring me cos I’ll just hang up volts shot up its ass and turned its wool to nylon Real Wages: Not quite Real Madrid long-standing musical admirer! xxx nipple flasher- incase you were wondering- yes, you House for three.... no more V!!! Just to let Sarah and Adam know that the library I need to feel a man on top of me - it’s been SO are ugly and you talk shit is for studying.. long! Any heavy volunteers? Shag- hill resident hey gang, hero here. If you have any storyline ideas which bastard pulled my mouse off? let me know. How about a romance between PQ Sarah, what’s all the noise coming from upstairs?? Who said french is the language of love? U know and BM? Spanish is! £50 and you still looked like a pig’s breakfast! 1 am in ghana and intersted in your clubs.please Lost: brief me on it and also i dream at coming to your Oi Webbie! how about this: u, us and lots of fruit F21, green eyes, GSOH, enjoys pubs, cinema, place please brief me on how to gai admission.but shoots! music, wltm M degree, 1st class pref with hons, 1 Wallett placed on Damp Floor to dry off and for my prblem is finance.please brief me now .bye gainfully employed for good prospects. music_ safe keeping? Thank u for letting me lick the cinnamon butter [email protected] Now its been found I can say it. Wanted - Horse riding schoolgirl from fetish night, off u Yugoslav girl! I just hope ur boyfriend doesnt have whip will travel find out! WANTED... Garden shed... Yorkie’s Bridge is NOT for Girls! what is about food poisoning that makes people Roses r red violets r blue Spaniard and Yugoslav If only you could have shot me with your arrow All the way along the top row and back again is anal about washing up? i love u! cupid! I wish i was yours? still yet to be done on Monday but I will not be beaten. to the brunette girl in the pink top at sparkle on Hola! When u shake that belly, it makes me turn HAS IT BEEN PLATFORMED YET?? If you’re going to do something wrong, do it right! 3/3/03, you were looking fit & filthy. to jelly!! xx Back dimples r sooooo sexy!!! If you’re going to do something wrong, do it wrong northerner when u gonna make a move on your Oi Webbie! We saw u shakin ur thang in the properly, you chutney! bird, u saw the way she sucks her pen, she’s union...if ur lucky u can join the pro belly dancing Apologies for Fetish night.... I may have seemed gagging! team! strange... and with regards to my costume...I had Pheebs, no time to change...Plus... cheers Anna. Xx (d) To the University Court Hair Follicle Extractor, Oi Webbie! We owe u a date, the back row is After Chef and Beaker would it be fair to say you Can I book an appointment for Sunday 8pm? reserved and this time the popcorn is on us! if ever you feel tired just take you watch off!!!!!....it don’t really have a physical “type”? forever yours,2 sexy foreign girls!xx works, or so i’m told!! GG I bet u popped her in the ass! Sorry I couldn’t refuse his hunkyness Is the mouse back in the house or is he still busy never knew my mum could b such competition Oi Edge, has your finger fallen off yet? nibbling?!? when it came to boyfriends! maybe older models (not written by Sledgette) are just prefered!!! x N x Geeks & norms think they run the show. N, C & K increase the love, increase the peace and Anything Sledge can do, I can do better! Luv keep the sexiness alive!! Ugh I hate those frikkin birds in the tree outisde Sledgette MG how about some MCGSSRP when she comes battersea west!!!! down multiple orgasms hey.....lucky boy So I’m not happy-could you tell-sorry subtlety is watch out v...kamcorders and handymen r taking not my strong point Martin, do you know that gangrene is contagious, becca you nymphomanic you...fair play darlin! over the world! that means your arse is gonna fall off Pascoe!!! Bring on another weekend of Doom fancy a bit of chopper squad AD? Anyone who shares my enthusiasm for Pagoda did u know that a Battersea Court stairwell is the design please contact me - DK. Barbie vs Malibu Stacey-an interesting concept- new Grimsby? as4the foreplay dice....its meant to be naughty.....so but should not be acted out by one man! i can break the rules AD fire in the disco, fire in the... Katie Bell TO THE EDGE, HOWS THOSE FISH Jay you are wrong. But happy birthday FINGERS!!! btw AD uv gota nice ass.....remember the park and fire in the disco, fire in... Jo Brett as well ride?!? Creating personals is the one of the better way to Someone likes driving in a woo woo car!! Christinnnnnnnnnnn-a, you have a rubbish waste time! For others meet me at the bar and I’ll Danger danger! Still too much TP-ing going on in memory. share all who can’t handle their drink and fell asleep on a AP! computer in AP? a big shout out 2 ma surrey soldiers,u knw who u Toilet required at Jewsons! Uni Court House 58 would you like some eggs with be.Much luv! Kristy do you want my babies? all my love, Spike that! Mysterious vandal flattens hedges. Witnesses Never gonna say I quit confirm dwarf presence! Sully, u get -10 out of ten for manners u rude Who said all gingas are stress-pots?! Never gonna take no shit imbecile! Always gonna roll with Trix 10 hockey players, 7 hangovers and 40 mins of I resemble that remark Always gonna make da hits running. Surely a recipe for disaster. Everyman is an island, especially Mr Gaz Always gonna say what fits (Hughes) Davies. :) 1.) Andy - you are more wrong than Malibu! So I step into da club OBCS say: Never force the belch! And da girl dem look good scoot is get up 2.) Wanted: Hockey player who keeps more than 2! And da girl look buff this one is for u essex....U STILL GOT IT And the girl look fit BABY!!!!!...... from bev da biatche hoe Shaggy is scarey 3.) Don’t tell the lads things that are NOT true! He They wanna drink with Metz who this is aimed at knows who he is They wanna play with Trix I’m great me. You know i always burn the rice... Hope you had a super birthday mims! Lots of For this is all the Trix, ladies get to grips Love, all the girlies! Missing - 4 pairs of boxers, 3 bras and a memory 6ft,short brown hair,brown eyes,enjoy all most Toonie’s coming on tour! RESULT! sports inc hockey & football,17yrs old,live in who was that chief charmer in ickle sarah’s Is your name ‘Hello’? shrewsbury, like indie/rock/punk/nu-metal campaign team? he’s cute... malibu, i didn’t know you were the submissive music.enjoy goin out on the town.not afraid to try No one would know who I was if only I kould spel! type! you sissy, get some nail polish remover :-) new things. if you were the girl that went to the showing of dr strangelove and have thus been on the mind of my It’s ok, the munchy worm is scared of orange 3 fit boys required for evenings of fun, fro-licking, well i thought its about time i told u listonator, in friend ever since, please contact barefacts. he is a panties!! and ... (hmmmm whats another F word?!). contact our 1st year i pissed in your shower gel. hope u feel fine man, you are a lovely girl. now is the time. 13 March 2003 SPORT & LIFESTYLE 23 almost accurate astrology Stressed out? Try having a because facts and horoscopes are mutually exclusive
A square re: us Lee. Oh. Reiki treatment! Deciding that the shampoo you Dressing babies is in no way use is not the one for you, you similar to putting clothes on a What Is Reiki? • Helps with psychological problems. will make a trip to a well-known manikin, so please stop assisting REIKI is a system of natural healing. It is • Relieves insomnia, migraine, joint and chemists that shares its name with a form of the needy single-mothers of Guildford with believed that this healing art dates back to muscular complaints, M.E., lack of energy footwear. Try not to become distracted by their maternal duties and continue your pre-Atlantian times. Reiki (pronounced rey and respiratory problems. the two-for-one sale they currently have on work at that slightly fashionable, though - key) is a Japanese word meaning ‘universal • Provides comfort during grief. toothbrushes and all things dental. ultimately cheap, retail store. The babies life force energy’. A century ago, after years • Brings peace to the terminally ill, adults will thank you for it. of study, research and meditation Dr. Mikao and children. Pie sees Usui rediscovered the formula for Reiki • Accelerates the healing process, including Your total lack of a sense of Virgo healing. Reiki is an entirely natural and safe recovering from surgery. humour will desert you when Continuing to use newspaper form of healing which restores balance and • Prevents physical illness by restoring and you see someone trip up a step for your gerbil’s cage will lead harmony to all levels - physical, mental, maintaining balance. and place their hand in dog pooh in order to to your hamster acquiring more emotional and spiritual. It is of benefit to all Special student rates. Contact Vicki stop themselves falling on their face. It will knowledge than you do. Don’t worry: this individuals from young children to the older Hansford tel. ext. 9975 or email reappear when they then force you to shake is normal. person. Reiki acknowledges the oneness of [email protected] their hand for having laughed at them so. all and does not conflict with any religion Lee bra or belief system. Reiki is beneficial to both Air e’s Despite never contemplating orthodox and complementary therapies. You take the quiz too seriously. completing a crossword, your At the end of the day, there is no attempt will yield a fine result Reiki Treatment - What To Expect point moaning if the answer to this week as you decide to ignore the clues REIKI treatments are given by a practitioner, the question is different to the one you put and just fit words in that all link together. gently placing hands on the clients body in down for two main reasons: 1) if it is in fact It’s a bit like the children’s version of a number of positions allowing the free flow the right answer, most of the other teams Scrabble, in that sense. of Reiki energy to pass through. The clients would have put down the same answer as lie down fully clothed on a treatment couch. you and so would get it wrong and 2) you Score pee owe Reiki energy will naturally flow to the areas have thirty people in your team and that Press the red button, take the where it is most needed. Clients can expect get’s deducted. So get over it. blue pill, go on green and be to experience a state of deep relaxation done with it. Like the Dice and often worth, coolness, tingling or Tour us Man, but with colour. gentle vibrations are felt. The general state If everything is a little bit bad, of health will determine the number of then nothing is really that bad Said you’d tear e us treatments required. Chronic ailments that at all. The only reason you are popular have developed over a long period of time is because you have an excellent usually require a number of treatments. Gem e nigh public relations team working Treatments last approximately one hour. Your current preoccupation on your behalf. It would be advisable to with the little bit of knicker you listen to their pay demands and pay them The Benefits can see above the waist-line of accordingly. • Offers relief for all health problems girls jeans is going to get you in trouble, because it restores balance and harmony. especially when you can no longer refrain Cap re: corn • Relieves stress and anxiety. from reaching out and giving it a twang. If The opposite sex won’t be able you insist on having to do it, try to pick on to keep their hands off you this the girls who aren’t wearing thongs. week, thanks to a sharp new the dating game by victoria venning look consisting of tailored suits made from In order to find your ‘prince/princess’ you have to kiss, or at least meet a lot of frogs* (and Can sir bubble wrap. Let them pop away. I‘m not referring to the French) or so I’ve been told. The way most of us go about doing Having been obsessed with your Remember: these stars are written by this is by dating, initiated by the exchange of contact details which hopefully results in own mortality for the entirety someone (Rich W) who has no idea subsequent meetings Dating, as far as I can see is a bit like a sport or game; usually involving of your life, only those who are concerning how to go about his own 2 players (more than 2 and you‘re quite adventurous, less than 2 and you‘re doing something still alive will be appreciate the irony of day, let alone predicting other people’s very wrong), has some ‘rules’ (although these are largely unwritten or spoken about), should your being stampeded to death by a host of days. As a member of the Society of Fake be a lot of fun, and, if you’re lucky, may like many hobbies result in a bit of a CV workout stray elephants as they make their way to Astrologers, he advises you to not listen to and getting somewhat hot and sweaty. So then, on to some of these ‘rules’; for the game to London zoo. any of the above. work out, you must not be affiliated to another team (i.e. must be single and available/up for it); UniSport weekly update careful consideration should be made as to Red Nose Fun the facts when the sport becomes Friday 14th March | Varsity Bar of life in ‘contact’ and play should cease as soon as is politely next week 6 Nations Rugby possible if either party is Saturday 15th March | Varsity Bar not enjoying the game (this should be done Spring Happenings tactfully, yet honestly). Wednesday 19th March | Electric Theatre Even if you are both playing by these ‘rules’, it can’t always be assumed that you’re actually participating in the same game... If one person thinks that tennis racquets are required and the Sports Day other is under the impression that you’re playing rugby, then it’s inevitable that someone is Wednesday 26th March | Varsity Centre STUFF either going to end up searching around in the undergrowth, or unfortunately getting hurt. So, I reckon in order to be successful with this dating malarkey, you need to know what the rules England v Liechtenstein are, and what game it is you’re playing, before the match really begins, then with any luck Saturday 29th March | Varsity Bar you’ll be enjoying this hobby for a bit longer than you did knitting with your Grandma. 6 Nations Rugby there has to be a space-filler somewhere * To anyone I’ve ever kissed, I’d like to apologise for inadvertently describing you as Saturday 29th March | Varsity Bar belonging to the amphibian family. Sorry. 24 13 March 2003 SURREY PRIDE Victory in final match for the PA Surrey Stingers
THE PIRATES (3-4) SUFFERED a demoralising BY PAUL STACK loss to Kent in the midweek and came to Guildford seeking a win to end their season Surrey Stingers 36 on a high. The Stingers (2-5) were buoyant UEA Pirates 26 from their win last week against play off bound Kent and were looking to extend their run of wins against the East Anglians a game of it Dave Tobin re-entered the that stretches back 4 years. game in earnest. A 24yd burst from Tobin The ensuing game lived up to expectations backed by an 18yd run from Goddard saw and provided a fine example of BCAFL the Stingers in position for QB Graham to football from two very competitive teams. seek out favourite target Kenny Lettman UEA received the opening kick off but for a 16yd touchdown. Graham then kept with the Stingers Swarm Defense - led by the ball himself as he scampered in for the linebacking sensation Sergio Sadaba and 2 point conversion and a Stinger 28-13 half second year DB Andy Grist in fine form time lead. they went 3 plays and out. Stinger President The Stinger offense faltered in the third Phil MacDonald (possibly in his last game) quarter and UEA found their rhythm with burst through to block the punt and set up favourite target Ian Burchett doing most of the home team on the UEA 16yd line. the damage. Another long TD play and saw With the Pirates paying close attention to the visitors right back in the game at 28-19 1,000yd rusher Dave Tobin it was his speedy after the failed extra point attempt. counterpart Scott Goddard (on his way to his A further touchdown through the air for the Ballroom dancing jive in Bournemouth first ever 100yd game) who raced the 16yds visitors suddenly put the result in real doubt ON THE 1ST of March, the annual Southern as well as the semi-finals of the Novice to open the scoring on the first play. Tobin as with a successful extra point the Stingers University Dancing Competition (SUDC) section which involves 2 dances: Jive and then carried for the ball for the extra points lead was cut to 28-26. was held at the Pavilion in Bournemouth. Cha Cha. In the Latin intermediate section, attempt and the Stingers led 8-0. The next home team drive again ended on a After weeks of dedicated practice, 21 involving the Rumba, Cha Cha and Jive, The teams then exchanged punts following fumble and the Pirates took over looking for members of the UniS Ballroom Dancing Natalie and Tony succeeded in getting good defensive play - the UEA next the lead. Defensive player/coach Stephen Society eagerly travelled down there for through to the third round and Nate and Mal possesion ended prematurely as Sadaba Hollingdale had other thoughts however the day to compete. As the name of the reached the semi-finals. made the first of his two pick offs. Disaster - sliding back to Safety from OLB he competition implies, all the competitors were Congratulations to all competitors who however struck for the Stingers as a fumbled stepped in front of Burchett and returned the from the south of England including teams also included Matt, Norman, Siobhan, exchange on the next offensive play was interception 19 yards to set the Stingers up from Oxford, Cambridge, Imperial College, Chris, Laura, Mel, Akhila, Hiroshi, Elena, scooped up and run in for a TD - the extra at the half way line. Cardiff, Bath, Reading, Southampton, UCL. Evan, Claire, Katy-Jane, Craig and Sona. point attempt failed and the Stingers led This time it was Tobin - on his way to In comparison to the other teams, the number We would also like to thank all our loyal 8-6. yet another 100yd+ game who carried of Surrey competitors was small, however supporters and coaches (Tony, Flavia and The Stingers then mounted another successively to his own 1yd TD plunge. the number has grown considerably since Vincent) without whose support we would confident drive with Goddard carrying the He then took the ball again for the for the last year. not have achieved so much. load. Dudley Graham fired a pass from the double extra point and the Stingers were two We were able to have two complete teams Our next competition will be the last 10yd line to the back of the endzone where a scores clear again at 36-26. dance in team match- the ballroom dances this term and will be held in Watford on diving Alex Shipman hauled it in for his first Two crushing Sacks from James “The Big include the Waltz and Quicksteps and the the 16th March. If anyone is interested ever TD. The extra point attempt failed and Winner” Shepherd saw the Stingers record Latin dances were the Jive and Cha Cha. in coming to support us (i.e. making lots the Stingers led 14-6. for Sacks in a season broken - and Sergio All our beginners got through to the second of noise) or would like more information UEA where halted again by the Stingers and Sadaba ended the Pirates resistance with his round, which we were all very excited about the society, you can email us at the home team offense set off on their third second interception. about. Some even got through to the third [email protected], or alternatively come scoring drive of the first quarter. This time it Stinger Head Coach Pete Vaughan round. Gemma and Luke did particularly to University Hall on Wednesdays at 7.30 was rookie FB Gary Day who crashed over commented “This was another fine win well dancing the Jive and managed to get where we hold our weekly class. from 4 yds out for his first score in Columbia - its been a hard season with a very strong through to the semi-finals of the team match Blue. The extra point attempt was stopped schedule but this team has made it difficult short and the Stingers led 20-6. for anyone who stepped onto the field with A lesser team might well have rolled over at them. Some long serving Stingers finished this point but the spirited Pirates came back their College Football careers today and I Boat club booze strongly in the second quarter and a deep am delighted that they go out deservedly on pass connection saw them pull back 6 points a winning note. The majority of the team are cruise and the extra point kick made it 20-13. back next year and we are looking forward IN AID OF Comic Relief, the Surrey Boat The next Pirate drive was set up by a to seeing them continue developing”. Club will be challenging UniSport and Stinger fumble - but Andy Grist made his Offensive Co-ordinator Steve Rains other boats clubs across the UK to a Booze second interception in as many weeks to concluded “Credit to UEA for the spirit Cruise on a rowing machine! The Boat club put the home team back in possession. With they showed - after the midweek blow and aims to raise as much money as possible on UEA clearly determined to make our fast strikes in the first quarter they did Red Nose Day as well as competing against very well to stay right in the game until late other teams to row the distance from Dover Sports writers and in the 4th Quarter. Dave Tobin has been an to Calais and back, which works out at a match reports outstanding player and leader on the team staggering 45,000 meters!!! This race will this year - its hard to believe he only put see USBC competing for the first time since on kit for the first time 15 months ago. The their double wins at Burway two weeks ago If you are interested in writing rest of the backfield have stepped up as the and will take place on Friday 14th at the sports articles for barefacts or if season has progressed and the O Line have Amphitheatre (outside the lecture theatres) you have a sports story/match been tremendous throughout. A number at 12pm. So come along and support Comic report, then please email our new of these players will now move on to the Relief and the Surrey Boat Club! And dont Knights season in the BSL and it is credit to sports editor, Eddison Ruswa on forget to bring lots of change!!! For more BCAFL football that we expect them to play information check out: [email protected] a part in representing Britain in Europe” CHESNEY! www.USBConline.co.uk. Melissa Ng