Read Ebook {PDF EPUB} The (Still) Mad One The Wife in Space Volume 5 by Neil Perryman The (Still) Mad One: The Wife in Space Volume 5. Join Sue Perryman as she encounters the classic series of for the very first time. Admire her eye for bespoke carpentry, laugh at her inability to grasp how the Time War works, and marvel at her talent for spotting actors who have appeared in EastEnders, as she offers a fresh – and occasionally bizarre – perspective on the greatest television show ever made. This volume collects the fifth phase of that blog and covers the second-half of Tom Baker's reign as (The Ribos Operation to Logopolis). Extras include Buck Rogers in the 25th Century and a Big Finish Audio Adventure (exclusive to this book), episode annotations, illustrations by Graham Kibble-White, and a foreword by Andy Miller. . The Sensorites begins with an incongruous scene which features our heroes fondly remembering all their adventures together so far, although nobody mentions the weird one with the scissors. However, when Barbara waves away her experiences in Mexico with a vague shrug, Sue isn’t very happy. Sue : “I’m over it now?” That was a bit quick! Me : Perhaps a significant amount of time has passed between the two stories? Sue : Well they can’t have done anything interesting or they would have mentioned it during their ‘previously on Doctor Who ’ recap. Never mind that, the action has shifted to an eerie spaceship which seems to be piloted by two corpses. The Doctor immediately takes the initiative and looks for an excuse to leave. Sue : Five minutes ago he was banging on about a great spirit of adventure, and now he wants to run away at the first sign of danger. Where’s his scientific curiosity gone? Sadly, before we can all escape to a nice historical, the ‘corpses’ wake up (“Great diagnosis, Doc!”), and our heroes are waylaid as a mysterious figure cuts the lock out of the TARDIS. Sue : Hang on a minute. I thought the TARDIS was indestructible. How can you take its lock out like that? How rubbish is that? What makes it even worse is that it’s happening when they’re standing two feet away from it! They can smell the lock burning but no-one even glances at the TARDIS. Rubbish! I change the subject. Me : The Sense Sphere is just over the road from the Ood Sphere. You know, where the Ood come from. Sue : If you say so, Neil. Sue loves the fact that poor, mad John looks like Roger Taylor from Queen having a bad trip, and she’s completely gobsmacked when Hartnell takes control of a spaceship. Sue : The Doctor is actually doing something heroic! He saved the day! I can hardly believe it. And then Sue makes me pause the DVD because the high-pitched whining emanating from the advancing Sensorites is tormenting our pets. Our dog, Buffy, is whimpering and clawing at her ears, while our cats pause to scowl at us before sauntering off to find a quieter room. Sue : I thought this one was supposed to be rubbish? It wasn’t that bad. In fact, I quite liked it. It was very noir and grubby. Me : That’s probably because it hasn’t been vidFIREd yet. Sue : Did they decide not to vidfire it ( she doesn’t get the capitalisation ) because the fans don’t rate this story very highly? Me : Don’t worry, Sue, I’m sure they’ll polish this turd eventually. The Unwilling Warriors. Sue : Aww, bless. Sue is very taken by the Sensorites, even if they are wearing romper suits and have dinner plates for feet. Sue : When they put their stethoscopes to their heads, they remind me of those Russell T Davies monsters with the spaghetti coming out of their mouths. Me : The Ood. Yes, I know. I told you yesterday, they’re practically neighbours. Sue : Did you? That’s interesting. I think they’re a pretty good alien for the time. I’m sure this would have frightened kids in the 1960s. They have a cool name as well. Me : When I saw pictures of the Sensorites in books, back when I was a kid myself, I thought they were the best monsters ever. They looked really eerie and threatening, and there’s this Top Trump card from the 1970s where they look amazing . And then I finally got to see the episodes in the mid-90s – you’d already gone to bed – and they were a crushing disappointment. Sue : What’s so bad about it? It’s fine so far. What happens to make it so terrible? Me : I can’t remember. Sue : And you call yourself a fan? Me : I haven’t seen this in years. Sue : Why not? You’re always staying up late to watch this stuff. I can hear the theme tune playing downstairs when I’m trying to sleep. Me : Because, Sue, even in my darkest hours, I’ve never found myself in a situation where I’ve ever wanted to watch The Sensorites again. Sue : But I thought you liked everything about Doctor Who ? Me : I don’t like all of it! It isn’t possible to like all of it. That would be insane. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or incapable of critical thought. Sue : But you’ll still buy this story when it’s released on DVD? Me : Of course I bloody will. Now hush, we’re missing an exciting bit in a corridor. Hidden Danger. In an attempt to keep boredom at bay, I ask Sue to play a little game with me. Me : You see that Sensorite over there? Yes, the fat one who hasn’t said anything yet. Well, I’ll give you a foot massage if you can tell me who he is. I’ll even give you a clue: he’s best known for co-hosting a popular children’s TV programme in the 1960s and ’70s. You’ll want to shout its name out when you get it. Sue : Is it John Craven? Me : No. Sue : Is it John Noakes? Me : No. Sue : Is it Brian Cant from Play School ? Me : Don’t be silly. When Sue isn’t dredging her memories for 1960s children’s entertainers, she’s seeing odd patterns in the narrative. Sue : This is a bit like Avatar . As I finish mopping up the tea I’ve spilt over myself, I pluck up the courage to probe her further. Me : Avatar ?! AVATAR . Sue : Well, it isn’t in 3D, obviously, and the aliens aren’t blue. Me : Their costumes might have been blue, actually. Sue : Well there you go, then! It’s exactly the same thing, it just features a different rare mineral. I don’t understand why you’ve been so reluctant to watch this one. It isn’t bad at all. You should keep an open mind. The episode concludes with an attempt on Ian’s life. At first Sue believes William Russell is choking on his water by accident, so it comes as a bit of a shock when he finally keels over. However, given that Ian is clearly Sue’s favourite character, I expected her to show a little more concern. But no. Sue : I’ve got it! Is it the bloke with the beard from Fingerbobs ? A Race Against Death. It’s Valentine’s Night, and that can mean only one thing – it’s time for The Sensorites episode four. I would like to digress for a moment so I can clarify a couple of things. Firstly, Sue is responsible for keeping this experiment on track. Without exception, she’s been the one who’s suggested that we watch our daily dose of Doctor Who every day. If it were up to me, we’d still be on Skaro. In short, I’m not forcing her to do anything. Secondly, I lived in a static caravan for THREE AND-A-HALF YEARS for Sue. We didn’t have a working telephone for the first 18 months, and I had to put up with a dial-up modem when we did. Sky Plus was a pipe dream, our toilet would freeze over in the winter, the rain sounded like someone dropping nails on the roof, and I shared this cramped environment with two kittens, a fully grown Labrador and a teenage daughter. This is payback time. Sue built a lovely house, I’ll give her that, and I’m sure I’ll look back on those years we spent in the Lyndhurst 2000 with a mixture of pride and nostalgia one day, like an ex-con reminiscing about doing bird in Pentonville. But trust me, watching The Sensorites episode four is a walk in the park compared to having to cook in your own living room. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s The Sensorites episode four! Sue : Is it a young Keith Chegwin? Me : No. Sue : Is it one of the Corbetts from Sooty and Sweep ? Me : ( Resigned ) It’s Peter Glaze. Sue : Who the hell is Peter Glaze? Me : Crackerjack! You know! Peter Glaze! The short fat one with the glasses. Peter Haining pretended to interview him once. Sue : How the hell am I supposed to know it’s Peter ****ing Glaze? I demand a foot massage! Now! Well, it is Valentine’s Night. What’s that? We didn’t review The Sensorites episode four? Oh get a life. Kidnap. If there’s one thing The Sensorites has taught Sue, it’s this: isn’t the only one who can make mistakes. In fact, the story has been a showcase for fluffs, stammers and technical errors, from grams not being faded down quickly enough, to the faint echo of floor manager chatter drifting over the actors’ mics. The fact the guest stars are stumbling over their lines makes Sue appreciate just how good William Hartnell can be. And he’s pretty good in this. Sue : If I had one criticism of this story, it’s that the Sensorites all look the same to me. Me : Racist. Sue : It’s not my fault! I know they’re using sashes and collars to differentiate them from one another, but they keep getting promoted. There’s even a subplot about what the Doctor is wearing. The writer is obsessed with haberdashery. Sadly, the entire plot revolves around remembering which Sensorite is which, especially when our heroes accidentally promote the bad guy. In fact, I’m sure this sailed right over Sue’s head at the time, although one detail did grab her attention. Sue : Heart! The Doctor just said, ‘My heart’. I thought the Doctor had two hearts? Me : Yeah, there’s no way around that. It’s been suggested the Doctor doesn’t get his second heart until he regenerates. Sue : By that logic, the Doctor would have 11 hearts by now. His rib cage must be awfully crowded. A Desperate Venture. Sue : Susan’s very good in this. She’s written as a real person, and not as a 12-year-old child. My wife is impressed when I tell her Susan’s description of her home world (silver-leafed trees and a burnt orange sky) will be referenced by both Paul McGann and David Tennant later in the series. Our first cat was called , and we both remember welling up the first time David Tennant mentioned him by name not long after he died. But I digress, because Ian and the Doctor have stumbled upon a bunch of humans who are waging a misguided guerrilla war against the Sensorites. Sue : I don’t believe it! They haven’t got real names, either! Everyone’s called ‘One’ or ‘Two’, or ‘First this’ and ‘Second that’. Didn’t the writer have a book of baby names he could draw upon? And why are the humans carrying giant pencils? As the story limps to its rather lame conclusion, we are treated to a marvellous moment where the Doctor and Susan discuss a possible return to their home planet. Sue : So is that the story arc for the entire series – the Doctor trying to find his way home? Me : Yeah, I suppose it is. The Score. Sue : Well, that was all right. I didn’t have a problem with it, and if that’s the worst you can throw at me, we’ll be fine. Sue : I think I liked it more than you did because it wasn’t vidfired. I liked the fact that it looked old and battered, because it hid some of its imperfections. Yeah, it was fine. Wow. Not only did we make it through my own personal blind spot, Sue can’t wait to carry on. Sue : Right, so where are we going next? Volume 1 is packed with extras, including exclusive blogs - An Adventure in Space and Time , Redux , Redux and Galaxy 4 Redux - plus a new interview with Sue, episode annotations, exclusive illustrations, a video transcript and a foreword by Rob Shearman. Get it now from: Go behind the scenes of the blog with this book from Faber and Faber. © 2021 Neil and Sue Perryman. All rights reserved. Doctor Who is copyright © BBC and no infringement is implied or intended. FULL CIRCLE. Sue : That must mean two K9s this week. How exciting is that? I bet they’ll conduct an extensive analysis of each other’s arses as soon as they meet. However, Romana doesn’t want to go home. Sue : Poor Romana. As soon as she gets back, she should steal a TARDIS and bugger off again. I really like her outfit this week. It’s very Romany, which is appropriate, I guess. The TARDIS begins to shimmer and shake. Sue : It’s the Black Guardian. It must be. But the anomaly soon passes and the TARDIS arrives at its destination. However, even though the scanner displays images of their home planet, the TARDIS has landed somewhere else entirely. Sue : A gay nudist colony by the look of it. She’s referring to the people swimming in a nearby river in what looks suspiciously like their pyjamas. Sue : Is this Gallifrey in the distant past? Do these people evolve into Time Lords? Me : You know how the Doctor said we aren’t on Gallifrey? Sue : Yes. Me : That’s because WE AREN’T ON GALLIFREY! Sue : Oh well, at least it’s a nice location. Ooh, he’s very easy on the eye… Don’t worry, she’s referring to Varsh, although a boy named Adric does warrant her attention. Sue : I’ve seen him somewhere before. I’m sure you’ve mentioned him. Adric… Adric… The name rings a bell. On a crashed Starliner, a scientist named Dexeter is examining a slide under a microscope. He’s especially worried about Mistfall, and a spider- like infectious life form. Sue : Are you scared, Neil? I know what you’re like when it comes to spiders. Suddenly, the river starts to bubble and boil. Sue : It’s like this all the time at Seal Sands. You know, next to the ICI plant. Two swimmers get into trouble and have to be pulled out of the river. Sue : Wait! They’re stark naked! Not for kids! Luckily, the boys are wearing pants. Very skimpy pants. Sue : They may as well be naked. This doesn’t exactly leave anything to the imagination. Not that I’m complaining, mind. Adric steals some river fruit. Sue : Where is he going to hide those watermelons, exactly? Is he going to pop them down his trousers? Adric is pursued by a Decider, but the old man ends up flat on his back. Sue : He never touched him! He committed suicide by throwing himself into a backwards somersault. I’ve seen Jurgen Klinsmann fall over more realistically than that. Me : Topical. The Outlers (Varsh, Tylos and Keara) seek refuge in a cave. Sue : Did they get this lot from the same stage school? Was it a special bulk deal? As the mist begins to fall, the planet’s inhabitants make a dash for the Starliner. Sue : It’s only a bit of fog. Can you imagine what this lot would be like if it snowed? Not only is Adric back on his feet, a wound he sustained to his knee earlier has almost disappeared. Sue : Is Adric Wolverine? Has he got healing powers? Me : Yes, you’ve hit the nail on the head – Adric is Wolverine. The episode concludes with an army of Marshmen emerging from the river. Sue : Ooh, I really liked that. Things are starting to pick up. Part Two. The Marshmens’ entrance still looks good the second time around. Sue : It’s shot on film, the director is using some interesting angles, and the mist really helps to sell it. Yes, this isn’t bad at all. The monster costumes look like they’ve been made from bath mats, and it seems as if they’ve got custard skin hanging off their heads, but it’s still very good. There are lots of them too, which is nice. Incredibly, it isn’t until Part Two that Sue criticises Matthew Waterhouse’s performance. Is that a new record, I wonder? Sue : It’s his eyes. They’re darting everywhere. He’s as stiff as a board, too. He looks very uncomfortable when he doesn’t have any lines to say. Unfortunately, he looks even more uncomfortable when he does have lines to say. The Doctor tells K9 to follow the Marshmen. Sue : Is that K9’s theme music, now? It’s a bit funky. Meanwhile, the so-called Outlers have infiltrated the TARDIS. Sue : How did this lot get in? Me : The TARDIS door must have been left open. Sue : For ****’s sake! When will they ever learn? It’ll be the Black Guardian who waltzes in one day, and then they’ll be sorry. Where the hell is the Black Guardian, anyway? K9 follows the Marshmen. Sue : It’s lovely seeing K9 out and about, even if he is accompanied by a silly theme tune. The Outlers try to overpower Romana and fail miserably. Sue : The director – who’s very good by the way – isn’t a fan of Adric. Me : How can you tell? Sue : He’s framing all his shots so Adric is hidden behind the other actors. It cuts down on his blank stares, I suppose. How did he get this job anyway? Me : Well… Sue : Did he sleep with John Nathan-Turner? Is that it? Me : I know he had a letter published in Doctor Who Weekly before he got the part. Sue : So he was a fan, then? Me : Yes, him and the writer, Andrew Smith, were both fans. Sue : Really? Could anybody work on the programme back then? Decider Nefred seeks solace in the Starliner’s Great Book Room. Sue : He looks like he should be working at a bowling alley. The slots behind him are where you store your shoes. And then Sue asks the question I’ve been waiting for: Sue : Do they swap Romana for Adric? They don’t do they? He’s a , isn’t he? He must be. I’ve heard you and your friends talking about him. A lot. In fact, you talk about Adric all the time. Me : As long as I don’t do it in my sleep. Sue would rather watch Varsh instead. Sue : Why didn’t they keep this guy instead – he’s a lot easier on the eye. Can’t act for toffee, though. And even more controversially: Sue : Even the other one would be better than Adric, and he’s the campest thing I’ve ever seen in Doctor Who . But Sue’s biggest problem with Matthew Waterhouse can be boiled down to this: Sue : He can’t say the word ‘door’ properly. He says ‘deur’. What’s that all about? A Marshchild is captured by the Starliner’s crew. Sue : Aww, it’s cute. I like the twist – we’re supposed to think they’re the monsters, but they aren’t. Not really. The Doctor is introduced to the Deciders. Sue : Please tell me they have revolving chairs, like on The Voice . Sue : ****. Yes, a Marshman just decapitated K9. Me : That’s it, love, he’s… Sue : I don’t believe you. They can solder his head back on. Unless Adric replaces Romana and K9. Noooooooooo! The Doctor learns that the Deciders pretend Mistfall is toxic. Sue : Ooh, it’s a big conspiracy. This is quite interesting all of a sudden. Romana and Adric watch as spiders start bursting out of river fruit. Sue : It’s a good job you were watching Buck Rogers when this was on. I think you would have struggled, Neil. Me : I was watching Doctor Who again at this point. The BBC changed the time slot to minimise the damage Buck was doing to the viewing figures. I think Doctor Who was up against Metal Mickey at this point, and I while I’m stupid, I’m not that stupid. Adric manages to fly the TARDIS all by himself. Sue : What? Can any ****er fly the TARDIS now? Romana ends up with a spider on her face, and we both end up yelping in surprise. Sue : That was another good cliffhanger. The direction was excellent. They actually managed to make a crappy model look scary, and that’s no mean feat. Part Three. Adric apologises for pulling the wrong lever and accidentally moving the TARDIS. Sue : You flicked a switch! How can you not know the difference between a lever and a switch? Are you sure the blue star doesn’t mean he’s the village idiot, Neil? The Doctor and Login decide to help each other: Login will help the Doctor find his TARDIS if the Doctor helps him find his daughter, which is when the TARDIS materialises in their path, carrying just the person he’s searching for. Sue : What are the chances of that ? Meanwhile, Decider Nefred is engrossed in some light reading. Sue : Is he reading the system files? Me : Possibly. Sue : Or is it the wine list? The Outlers are brought before the Deciders to be judged. Sue : Look at them – hands in their pockets, no respect whatsoever. Throw the book at them. You’re surrounded by them, so just reach out and grab the first one you find. It doesn’t even have to be a book. A ring binder will do. Dexeter experiments on the Marshchild against the Doctor’s wishes. The Marshchild escapes and wreaks havoc in the lab, killing Dexeter in the process. In fact, he only calms down when he notices the Doctor’s face on a monitor screen. Sue : Aww, he thinks the Doctor is his mum. The Marshchild paws at the screen and electrocutes itself. The Doctor is furious. Almost as furious as Sue. Sue : I like it when the Doctor is pissed off. He’s really going for it. Tom Baker hasn’t been this good in a long while. And then the plot thickens – no one knows how to fly the Starliner! Sue : Oh, come off it! There has to be a pilot’s manual. That’s absurd. And besides, Adric could fly it. If he can fly a TARDIS without any training, this should be a piece of piss. Varsh and his mates are put to work replacing components on the Starliner. Sue : What are this lot called again? Me : The Outlers. Sue : Okay, so how many Outlers does it take to change a lightbulb? I’ll tell you. It’s six. One to fit it and the other five to stand around gawping at him as he does it. Me : I think they are doing community service. It’s the Alzarian version of Misfits . Sue : Well, Adric has superpowers – he has healing powers, he’s good at maths and he can fly alien spaceships. What kind of superpowers do the rest of them have? The Doctor and Adric can’t find Romana, and her bedroom looks like a bomb has hit it. Sue : That’s what Nicol’s room looks like on a good day. In fact, Romana is behaving very strangely indeed. Sue : Does she turn into Spider-Woman? Does she start crawling up walls and swinging through the studio? I tell you what, though, if they kill her off, there’ll be trouble. At least eight marks off. At least. The episode concludes with Romana allowing the Marshmen to board the Starliner. Sue : Okay, I think I know where they’re going with this. Me : Really? What do you think will happen? Sue : Well, they aren’t the bad guys, that much is clear, so I think they’ll end up working together with Adric, and they’ll fly off in the spaceship together at the end. Part Four. Sue is losing her patience with Tylos. Sue : Get your hands out of your bloody pockets, lad. And stop slouching! As they congregate outside the TARDIS, Sue blows a fuse. Sue : Shut the ****ing doors! The most powerful machine in the known universe and they always leave the ****ing doors open. You have no idea how much this winds me up, Neil. Me : Oh, I think I have a fair idea. The Doctor keeps the Marshmen at bay with K9’s head. Sue : Okay, this is not what I had in mind when I said I wanted K9 to have a more substantial role in the series. Adric steals an image translator. Sue : He isn’t a very good role model, is he? The only defence against the Marshmen is oxygen, which Varsh and Adric dispense from a pair of cylinders. Sue : SodaStream was massive in the 1980s. Just saying. As the Doctor continues to experiment with the Marshmens’ DNA, Sue finally figures it out. Sue : This is basically Planet of the Apes , isn’t it? They’ve evolved from the Marshmen. I’m right, aren’t I? She did it. She finally did it! Anyway, aside from the odd surface detail (“His bath mat is coming loose at the seams”) Sue enjoys the final act. In fact, when Varsh is killed, she even feels sorry for Adric. Me : At least he got to keep his brother’s belt. Sue : If only he got to keep his brother’s looks and talent as well. Adric sneaks back to the TARDIS. Me : And that’s why you should always lock the bloody doors. Sue : Oh, leave him alone. He’s all right. Me : What? Sue : It’s his dream job – he’s 18 years old and he’s working on Doctor Who . You fanboys are just jealous. I’m sure he’ll settle down eventually. The Starliner takes off. Sue : I bet they can’t decide where to go. And why go anywhere at all? I bet they get shot down by the . But that isn’t possible because the Doctor and Romana are trapped in E-Space, thanks to a Charged Vacuum Embointment . Sue : A charged what? Otherwise known as a CVE.? Sue : A CV-what? Am I supposed to know what that means? Me : They’re trapped in another universe. Sue : So they can’t return Romana to Gallifrey? Me : No. Sue : Good. Sue : So what happened to Adric? Me : He’s gone. Sue : He was only in this one story? Seriously? Me : Yes. Sue : I don’t believe you. I don’t believe for one second that [this section redacted on the advice of our lawyers]! Me : You can’t say stuff like that, Sue! Sue : But you said… Me : Okay, I admit it, Adric is back next week. Sue : Good. I feel sorry for the actor who plays him. He’s out of his depth, but he’s keen. It’s not his fault. They should have given him more help. Bless him. A little later, we watched Matthew Waterhouse’s appearance on Multi-Coloured Swap Shop. Sue : He is so adorable. Me : You’re taking the piss. Sue : I’m not! He’s so into it. You can tell he’s a fan. I bet he pinched himself every day when he turned up for work. Actually, now that I look at him, he reminds me of Matt Smith. She’s deadly serious. Sue : It’s that wide grin of his. He’s so cute. The Score. Sue : I enjoyed that. The direction was excellent, some of the ideas were very interesting, and the acting was pretty good, too. And I liked Adric. So there. INTRODUCTION TO THE BLOG. I was reading their wonderful Running Through Corridors book when I was inevitably inspired to watch Doctor Who from the beginning again. I’ve attempted this feat several times before, of course, but I usually crumble in the middle of The Sensorities , and if I cheat and jump to a Pertwee, it’s always Colony in Space that finishes me off. My methodology was probably at fault (that and the sheer awfulness of The Sensorities ). I would stay up late, always alone, and I’d watch a handful of fuzzy Hartnells in irregular, sporadic bursts. Was it any wonder I lost the will to live? And then I remembered my friend John Williams telling me that Andrew Pixley managed it when he rationed himself to a single episode a day. He would watch it while he was having his tea. The thought of experiencing the classic adventures like this sounded irresistible to me. And since there’s bugger-all on the telly at 7pm, it felt like the ideal time slot, too. All I had to do was convince my wife to let me take over the living room for 30 minutes each day. And then, entirely on a whim, I decided to push my luck. Why not ask my wife to join in? Incredibly, brilliantly, and rather worryingly, my wife not only agreed to watch every episode of Doctor Who with me, she promised to give it her undivided attention, too. She even agreed to switch off her precious mobile phone. She didn’t ask for anything in return. I thought this might be worth chronicling for a blog, so I asked her if I could record and publish her reactions as a non-fan as we went along. What I didn’t tell her is that if people actually read these mini-reviews, I’d be able to guilt-trip her into continuing when we hit our first bump in the road (next week, probably, as we get bogged down in Thals). I have subjected Sue to classic Doctor Who before. When we met in 1993 it didn’t take her long to realise I was a fanboy. It was probably when I started frothing at the mouth when I discovered she had UK Gold back at her place. I knew the channel was broadcasting late night Jon Pertwee repeats (most of which I hadn’t seen since childhood), and I would have killed for an opportunity to see some. In fact, because I’m a fan, I can confidently pinpoint the day I went back to her place and met my stepdaughter for the first time: Tuesday 13th April, 1993. I bet she can’t do that. ( The Curse of Peladon , Episode Two, if you’re interested.) Not that Sue ever watched these episodes with me – not even during our honeymoon period. Thanks to a long and complicated series of events involving her parents and some lodgers who stayed longer than expected, I had to sleep downstairs with her dogs for the first few weeks of our relationship. Their gastric problems (the dogs, not the lodgers) threatened to drive me away on more than one occasion, but Pertwee always coaxed me back. When I moved in with Sue and her daughter, Nicol, a few months later (Monday 5th July, 1993 – you don’t easily forget the black and white opening to Invasion of the Dinosaurs ), my overflowing cardboard boxes full of videos, Target novels and back issues of DWM made it perfectly clear I was more than a little interested in the programme. It didn’t take me long to instigate an all-too-familiar gamble and casually suggest we watch a couple of stories together. You know, just in case she liked it. I’d already failed with the programme’s intended target audience. Nicol was almost five when I moved in, but the programme didn’t appeal to her in the slightest. I tried every Doctor possible, and while she would happily laugh at Jon Pertwee’s lisp, she couldn’t wait for me to switch it off. A couple of years later, she had to complete a school project about , and even that didn’t work out. In the end, I just had to accept Tom Baker couldn’t compete with Sabrina the Teenage Witch . Sue’s memories of the classic series were practically non-existent when I met her. She didn’t watch the programme when she was growing up, and while she knew what a looked like, and that the TARDIS was bigger on the inside, that was about it. And so, after many hours of careful deliberation, I subjected her to The Caves of Androzani . It felt closer to modern television than the rest of my Doctor Who VHS collection, even the episodes that were still less than five years old at the time. There was also the added bonus of an unexpected regeneration that would hopefully prove to her our beloved programme could be unpredictable, exciting and moving. She thought it was ‘okay’. A few days later, I wheeled out the big guns and we sat through Genesis of in one sitting. She loved it. I had to rub her feet through Parts Three to Five, but it was worth it. Knowing me, I probably pushed my luck with something edgy or bleak, like Ghost Light or Kinda , but my memory is a little fuzzy here. I do remember she would occasionally acquiesce to the odd UK Gold repeat (I have a very vivid memory of her scoffing at the Vardans in The Invasion of Time : Wednesday March 2nd, 1994 at approx 11.50pm), but nine times out of 10 she’d head to bed and leave me to it. Not that she’s ever sneered at my passion for the programme. She’s never told me to hide my videos or books away in the attic, she’s bought plenty of Doctor Who themed tat for me over the years, she’s never chided me for wearing a t-shirt with Tom Baker beaming out from it, and she even rang him up on QVC so she could baffle him with a question about Big Finish (which I was too scared to ask myself), even though my wife didn’t have the faintest idea who or what Big Finish was (or is). In summary, Sue tolerates the classic series but she wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a Patrick Troughton-era Cybermen and a Peter Davison one, as a recent trip to ASDA sadly proved. She does like science fiction, though, and unless she’s been lying to me for the last 18 years, she enjoyed Star Trek: The Next Generation (she liked Data a bit), Babylon 5 (she fancied Bruce Boxleitner a lot) and Buffy the Vampire Slayer (we named a dog after her). More recently, she’s been an avid viewer of Battlestar Galactica , Caprica , Fringe , and Lost . Oh, and she’s lovely. Have I mentioned that? Volume 1 is packed with extras, including exclusive blogs - An Adventure in Space and Time , An Unearthly Child Redux , Marco Polo Redux and Galaxy 4 Redux - plus a new interview with Sue, episode annotations, exclusive illustrations, a video transcript and a foreword by Rob Shearman. Get it now from: Go behind the scenes of the blog with this book from Faber and Faber. © 2021 Neil and Sue Perryman. All rights reserved. Doctor Who is copyright © BBC and no infringement is implied or intended. THE MONSTER OF PELADON. Sue : Oh yeah, Peladon. I remember now. So what have we come back here for? Peladon is a shit hole. Things immediately get off to a ropey start. Sue : It’s Mad Max with badgers. Peladon’s miners are terrified of the almighty Aggedor. Sue : Oh yes, Aggedor. It’s all coming back to me now. It was a giant boar, wasn’t it? Sometimes this blog writes itself. Sue : I wasn’t impressed the first time we visited Peladon, so why have we come back? I hope there’s a good reason for it. In the citadel’s throne room, Sue only has eyes for one character. And no, it isn’t the queen you’re thinking of. Sue : How S&M is this guy? How did they get away with that? Wow. The TARDIS arrives on Peladon, off-course and about 50 years too late. Sue : I thought the Doctor’s TARDIS was supposed to work these days? Make your bloody mind up. Does it work or doesn’t it? As Peladon’s miners lament their terrible working conditions, Sue is much more interested in their uniforms. Sue : You know, this is just like Game of Thrones but… Me : But with less incest. You really have to stop using that joke. Sue : No! With more incest! That’s why they all have the same hairstyle. They must be inbred. Unless Peladon has a branch of hairdressers that specialises in Badger Set and Blow Drys? Me : It looks like someone’s thrown a bottle of Tipp-Ex over Kevin Keegan. Sue : At least it keeps their ears warm in the winter, so it’s not all bad news. And they can form a Mungo Jerry tribute band when they lose their jobs. The miners’ hair will become an endless source of fascination for Sue, which is more than you can say for the plot. But the thing that really annoys her is the constant switching between film and video. Sue : It’s very jarring. Why can’t they just chose a style and stick to it? It’s especially noticeable when they switch from film to video in the same scene. Why did they do that? And what the hell is actually going, on by the way? I’m lost already. Sue can’t concentrate on politics when men are parading around in skirts that short. Sue : Is this about the miners’ strikes in the 1970s? Is the queen supposed to represent Margaret Thatcher? Me : Thatcher doesn’t come to power for years yet. Sue : Maybe Thatcher is the strange woman in the purple dress who stands at the back doing nothing. Me : It’s either that or a subtle crossover with Sapphire and Steel . Sue : So is the queen supposed to be Ted Heath? She’s prettier than Ted Heath. Me : She is a little easier on the eye, yes. Although that streak of grey hair is very Ted Heath. A terrible war is raging between the Federation and Galaxy 5. Sue : Who are Galaxy 5 when they’re at home? Why does that ring a bell? Should I know what that means? Me : You’re thinking of Galaxy 4 . Galaxy 5 are from the galaxy next door. Sue : They sound like a boy band. Or a local radio station. A mining expert named Eckersley also rings a bell. Sue : He’s definitely been in Doctor Who before. Me : I’m impressed. It’s Donald Gee from The Space Pirates . Sue : The only reason I remember him is because he looks like Jasper Carrott, and I remember somebody looking like Jasper Carrott before. So it had to be him. Peladon’s miners are a miserable lot, it has to be said. Sue : Maybe their hair is extra-bouncy so the rocks don’t hurt them when they fall on their heads? Perhaps it’s an evolutionary thing? Sarah is introduced to Alpha Centauri, and almost has a heart attack in the process. Sue : ( As Alpha Centauri ) Yeah, it’s not my fault I look like a giant dick. Do you know how many times I’ve had to go through the “I’m sorry I look like a giant dick” conversation? It’s depressing. And then, a little later… Sue : If Steven Moffat brought back Alpha Centauri in the new series, do you think the BBC would tell him off? And then, just as Sue begins to drift off completely, this happens: Sue : Who gave him an Equity Card? I’ve seen Nativity plays with better performances. He must be related to one of the production team. It’s the only explanation that makes sense. The Doctor is haunted by Aggedor. Sue : Crash-zooming like that doesn’t make it better, you know. Me : I vividly remember seeing this cliffhanger when I was four years old. It terrified me. In fact, I wouldn’t visit my great-aunt when my mother told me she had a new Labrador. I thought she said Aggedor. I remember being horrified that a member of my own family would have access to a monster from Doctor Who . I was an easily confused child. Sue : You’re an easily confused adult, Neil. Part Two. Sue : The giant dick is reflecting a lot of light. It’s too shiny. Did they polish its helmet before they started filming? An electronic voice excitedly exclaims there’s been an unauthorised explosion in the mine. Sue : Have they got a Dalek working the switchboard? The Doctor returned to Peladon because he has a special interest in the planet. Sue : Since when? What is there to be interested in? It’s a boring shithole! Does the Doctor pop back to all the planets he’s saved to check up on them? And if he does, how does he ever get there? As Sarah investigates Peladon’s refinery, something mysterious lurks behind a window. Sue : Am I supposed to know what that is? Me : You could make an educated guess. Sue : Is it the Daleks? Is that why we heard one earlier? Me : No. Sue : Is it… Me : Don’t even joke about it. Sue : …the Yeti? The studio lighting still annoys Sue. Sue : It’s too brightly lit for that giant penis. They should have stuck that penis in the mine so you couldn’t see it properly. When a miner named Ettis attacks Alpha Centauri with a sword, Sue is appalled. Sue : He’s going to castrate him! The Doctor and Sarah are arrested for blasphemy, although the religious gobbledygook flies over Sue’s head because she’s too busy checking out Aggedor’s statue. Sue : Aggedor could do with losing a little weight. Have you seen the size of his sagging belly? He’s almost as fat as our cats. The Doctor and Sarah are thrown into a deep, dark pit for their crime. Sue : That won’t be very good for Jon Pertwee’s knees. The Doctor and Sarah can hear a large animal approaching in the darkness… Sue : We’ve seen this cliffhanger before. It’s exactly the same cliffhanger as the first story! Why do they feel the need to repeat themselves? Why don’t they write something new? Why? This seems like as good a time as any to introduce Sue to Doctor Who ’s production codes, and how this story sports the most appropriate code of all: YYY. Sue : Hang on a minute, how bad is the next story going to be? Part Three. As Aggedor charges towards the Doctor, Sue has a suggestion. Sue : Hypnotise him! Me : Don’t you start! Sue : It’s what he did the last time he was in this situation. You have to sing Christmas carols to it. And that’s exactly what the Doctor does. Sue : We’ve seen this before. It’s boring! Eckersley convinces Alpha Centauri to send for Federation reinforcements. Sue : I don’t trust Eckersley. He’s a shit stirrer. Sarah gives Queen Thalira a quick lesson in Women’s Lib (Sue loves it when she tells her “There’s nothing ‘ only’ about being a girl”), and as the mystery surrounding the inhabitant of the locked refinery mounts, Sue decides to take part in the investigation. Sue : Should I know who it is? Me : Yes. Sue : Is it an Ice Warrior? Me : What? Sorry, I mean yes! Wow. You actually got there in the end. Sue : Once I thought about it, and stopped being flippant, it was pretty obvious, really. And then Sue hits the proverbial nail on the head. Sue : There’s too much talking in this story. Is it just me or is it really boring? I’m running out of things to say about it. Me : No, it isn’t just you. In fact, I think it was John Williams who once said that the only extra feature this story needs is a wrap of speed. As Gebek maintains order, Sue is drawn to his northernness. Sue : He’s like Arthur Scargill. But with better hair. I’m surprised he doesn’t call Eckersley, Eckerslike. When the Federation’s reinforcements radio in, they sound suspiciously like the Ice Warriors. Sue : It’s definitely the Ice Warriors. And then the episode concludes with – yes, you guessed it – an Ice Warrior! Sue : Told you. Part Four. The Ice Warriors declare martial law. Sue : Martian law? Me : Close enough. Sue : Did they make this story again because all the sets and costumes were sitting in storage? That’s the real reason, isn’t it? I mean, who was crying out for a sequel to the other one set on Peladon? It doesn’t make any sense. The Ice Lord Azaxyr concisely summarises the plot so far. Sue : That was helpful. Thanks. He should turn up at the beginning of every episode to explain the bits I’ve missed. And how come he can talk reasonably okay, while all the other Ice Warriors sound asthmatic? That doesn’t seem fair. The Doctor asks Sarah if the Ice Warrior silhouette she saw through the refinery’s window matches that of Sskel, the Ice Warrior who’s guarding them. Sue : How can she tell? They all look the same to me. Me : Racist. She decides to change the subject. Sue : I had a jacket like Sarah Jane’s when I was 12. Me : You dressed like Sarah Jane? Sue : What can I say? We were both very trendy. I’m not convinced by her Christmas jumper, though. I wouldn’t have been seen dead in a jumper like that. As Ettis riles the miners, Sue spots a familiar face. Sue : It’s Burt the miner! From the one with the giant maggots. Is he the go-to guy when the BBC need a pretend-miner? The Doctor persuades the miners to return to work. Sue : THE END! Sadly, we’re only halfway through this story, which is a truly harrowing thought, actually. Sue : I like the way the Doctor is wearing green in this story. It’s almost as if he knew the Ice Warriors were going to show up and he didn’t want to clash with them. The Doctor turns up the heat, which results in the Ice Warriors feeling groggier and groggier. Sue : I know exactly how they feel. The Doctor rushes off to stop Ettis, who is currently pointing a sonic lance at the citadel. But before he goes, Gebek hands him a sword. Sue : Why did the Doctor accept that weapon? That wasn’t a very Doctorish thing to do. Then again, he does like a good swashbuckle. And that’s exactly what he gets, because Ettis – who literally is as mad as a badger – wants to kill everyone. Sue : ( Pointing at Terry Walsh ) Who the hell is that ? Did Jon Pertwee regenerate in the middle of a fight scene? After head-butting the Doctor in the balls, Ettis activates the sonic lance. But Azaxyr has booby-trapped it and the machine blows up in the mad miner’s face. Sue : Do you think Jon Pertwee was far enough away from that explosion? Me : Yeah, I bet he was in the BBC canteen by that point. Part Five. Sue : I knew Eckerslike was in on it. Pfft. Part Six. After a slow, and frankly tedious, Part Five (although Sue did enjoy the cliffhanger), we rouse ourselves for one last trip to Peladon. Sue : Eckerslike’s hands are always in his pockets. Never a trust a man who doesn’t take his hands out of his pockets. The Doctor uncovers Eckersley’s weaponised Aggedor statue, which he then teleports to some miners in order to gain their trust. Sue : Wouldn’t it be funny if the Doctor’s elbow accidentally landed on the big red button and he killed them all? It would, if only the Doctor didn’t spend several minutes murdering Ice Warriors. Sue : This Doctor doesn’t give a hoot for the sanctity of life. He’d kill anything given the chance. Eckersley ends the Doctor’s killing spree with a sonic security system that reminds Sue of a mobile disco. Sue : It looks like the Doctor’s going to regenerate. Actually, when does this Doctor regenerate? It can’t be long now. I glance at my watch. Me : In just under three minutes. Sue : What? He regenerates in this episode? Why didn’t you say so? Me : I wanted it to be a surprise. Sue : Oh, I’m excited now. It’s not a great story to go out on, though. Regenerating in front of a giant cock can’t be good. Sarah rushes off to tend to the Doctor’s corpse. Sue : So was Eckerslike a last-minute replacement for the Master? Was it supposed to be his arch-enemy who killed him, but they had to change it? That would make a lot of sense. Me : That’s right. Eckersley is the Doctor’s arch-nemesis from this point. Sue is bludgeoned into submission by the scene’s emotional heft. Sue : He died for some stupid badgers. This is quite sad, actually. The Doctor sits bolt upright in his chair (the cushion in the face was worth it), and then Queen Thalira is harassed by some Ice Warriors. Sue : She never varies her performance. She looks nice, but that’s about it. Eckersley kidnaps Queen Thalira and the Doctor sends the real Aggedor after him. The poor thing is promptly shot in the head, but not before it mauls the mad mineralogist to death. Queen Thalira thanks the Doctor for his actions. “We are forever in your debt,” she tells him. Sue : You’ve saved them a small fortune in vet bills. The episode concludes with the Doctor scolding Sarah as he drags her into the TARDIS by her ear. Sarah giggles like a naughty schoolgirl. Sue : What a fantastic role model for feminism. Good grief. The Score. Sue : That was tedious. I mean, what was the point? We’ve seen it all before. And it was shorter last time, as well! I despair. Volume 3 is packed with extras, including blogs for Worzel Gummidge and The Sarah Jane Adventures , a new interview with Sue, episode annotations, exclusive illustrations, a video transcript and a foreword by Paul Cornell. Get it now from: Go behind the scenes of the blog with this book from Faber and Faber. © 2021 Neil and Sue Perryman. All rights reserved. Doctor Who is copyright © BBC and no infringement is implied or intended.