1 2-Contents/Calendar

The GOODBYEIssue in this issue...

Editor-in-Chief Chris Gilman Managing Editor Rohit Mandalapu Associate Editors Xavier Rotnofsky Josh “Knuckles” Brenner Max Friedman Design Director Maryam Amjadi

Distribution Director Ethan Boer Virgin sacri ce really wishing Area girl sleeps her way to top of Woman wearing medical mask Social Media Director Grace Gilker anal counted family business must know something Ruby Monette-Meadow Head Videographer Marshall Kistner Interview Director Nathan Simmons

Writing Sta Justin Bregman Nick Ward Colby Smith Edward Stockwell Woman at bar into guy with McDonald’s debuts hipper, Local dog actually hairy child Mac McCann Jordan Dempsey phone charger sleeker Grimace in disguise Elizabeth Dubois Vedant Peris • My rst words were the 2nd verse to Igni- • Hyundai Sonata is the name of the man Abby Hilling tion by R.Kelly who killed my father in a Hyundai Sonata Cole Gertho er Lee Rudder • When politicians play hide and seek is it • My dad always unbuckles my seatbelt and Evan Waring called Marco Rubio? tells me to live a little Design Sta Hazel O’Neil Erin O’Connor • You do crystal meth once and your parents • If you don’t stop talking right now I swear Carolina Treviño just drop you from the T-Mobile family I’ll stop being your grandmother Suzuka Sampson plan • I had no idea baby powder was made of Administrative John Guttman Assistants Kelly Smith • Th e only thing I hate more than squeaky fi nely ground baby bones Avery Wood chairs is income inequality • We have to go back! I forgot my milk Alex Basso • Lou Gehrig’s disease isn’t fun like Lou Louisa Angly Bega’s disease • Gas is so cheap now I’ve been using it to syringe Ben Sklar • Th e only real baby daddy is a seahorse water my lawn Here’s a tiny Travesty™ to cut out and CONTACT • Th oseparrots that repeat what you say are • My mom dates a guy on E-Harmony but PHONE 908-447-5803 put in your doll house! so racist my cemetery boyfriend is “unconventional”? EMAIL [email protected] WEB www.texastravesty.com • One of the most successful cultural appro- • Is your family NASA? Cause y’all are clearly MAIL Texas Travesty • UT Austin priations by white people is making fun of living on limited funding P.O. Box D • Austin, TX 78713 white people • Just sneezed, #blessed EDITORS EMERITUS Kevin Butler Veronica Hansen • Jay Leno is the easiest celebrity to make a • What I thought was going to be a parkour 1997 2007-2008 wax gure of because if you fuck up it’ll still video just turned out to be a man jumping to Brad Butler Ross Luippold 1997-2000 2008-2009 look like him his death from a skyscraper Ben Stroud Matt Ingebretson 2000-2001 2009-2010 • Pregnant teens are the best to adopt because • Having crabs is no fun, but having one crab Trevor Rosen Alyssa Peters they’re two for the price of one is just another friend 2001-2003 2010-2011 Todd Ross Nienkerk David McQuary 2003-2005 2011-2012 Kristin Hillery Katherine Swope 2005-2006 2012-2013 what are Campus David Strauss Nick Mehendale 2006-2007 2013-2014 TSM ADVERTISING Statues CONTACT Director Gerald Johnson Operations Manager Frank Serpas Advertising Manager Denise saying? Twellman Senior Graphic Designer Daniel Hublein

Q: What kind of 512-471-1865 internship or job [email protected] SHOUT OUTZ TO... are you trying to Dr. Cream M.D., the crab, cranny-lemmy’s, Teji’s, Sir James Jeans, Clay Aiken, “Under the Bridge” and “What is Love”, Ben’s big get this summer? backpack, utunrated2, Listening to Sweet Disposition with one hand on the wheel, “I’m going to be an instructor “Got a huge offer at the glue factory “Excuse me, but I will not be both eyes in the sunset, last hand on my legumes, Winning Support Student Voices, at my local Curves Fitness.” this summer, we’re really excited!” committing myself to the servitude of Darth Mali, Kickball, Drizzle Squad, Tommy Wiseau, Omegle, CREEEEEEAAAAAM, Jilby -Barbara Jordan -duckhorses Jareth and Dromas others without pay!.” Bopsom -Jefferson Davis

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DALLAS — Arguing that business major Phillip Andrews is a particularly unap- Area woman practices rejection lines in preciative grandson, Margaret Andrews recently claimed that she could stand not living to watch him receive his diploma. “Honestly, the sweet embrace of death mirror before heading to club seems preferable to sitting through some ceremony just to watch that shitstain waltz CLEVELAND, OH — In anticipation across a stage,” wheezed Andrews between drags of a Marlboro. “I’ve known he was a of the underwhelming boys that will good-for-nothing since I caught his sister putting makeup on him when he was 6 and try to court her later at the club, area he did nothing to stop it. What a punk.” After her second cigarette pack of the day, woman Jessica Miller spent most of Grandma Andrews spread some Crisco on the staircase in an effort to lubricate the Friday evening practicing rejection process. lines in the mirror. “After all these years, I’ve developed an effective way Area bachelor not crying unless anyone into that to shut down boys. I like to answer — Area bachelor, Ston Jaymos, is currently attempting to hide their feebly constructed pick-up lines his unrelenting stream of tears, unless anyone in the area is really interested with clever rejection lines like ‘Hey, are in that sort of emotional display. “Sometimes, I give the honeys a glimpse you an empty revolver? Cause you have into my vast emotional depth, and let them get lost in its winding cata- no shot,’ and ‘You make my heart throb like Will Turner does to Davy combs of sensitivity,” said Jaymos, wiping his tears away with his Death Jones in At World’s End.’ If he doesn’t get the reference then he should Cab For Cutie t-shirt. “But just as often, they aren’t ready for it, and end never have even approached me,” remarked Miller, acknowledging that up referring me to a guidance counselor—which means they miss out on answering a question with a question usually throws off the confident all of this hunky bod. A man’s crying shouldn’t distract a woman from his boy from pursuing her further. “Girls are always saying how annoyingly abs.” As of press time, a red-eyed, damp-shirted Jaymos was seen updating persistent boys are, but I’ve found that boys respond well to passive- his OkCupid profile picture to a photo in which he looked like he was only aggressive condescension.” Sources later confirmed seeing Miller half-crying. denying an emasculated man who probably deserved better.

4 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com NEWS• 4 5• NEWS TEXAS TRAVESTY • APRIL 2015 Rand Paul continues father’s legacy of not Son entering room not sure if father just getting party nomination fi nished crying

FRANKFORT, KY— In a rousing speech at a Kentucky campaign BRENHAM, TX— After event, Rand Paul officially announced his intention to continue the accidentally barging into family tradition of unsuccessfully running for Commander in Chief of his father’s room, 6 year old the . “We’ve built the organization, we’ve found the really Danny Levine was confused eccentric donors, and now we can go to the American people and say as to whether or not his father ‘yeah, this could technically happen,’” proclaimed the Kentucky Senator, Tucker had just finished crying. the spitting image of his father Ron Paul, with the same nose and “I saw him quickly shove a ideological liabilities. “I think I’ve picture of my mom and I under got at least four unsuccessful runs in his pillow, and he kept wiping me, and maybe by then a new little his eyes and sniffling. I’m Paul can start running as the weird not sure what a mortgage is, but he just got second one, so I don’t libertarian-ish candidate Americans know what he has to cry about,” said a perplexed Levine. Reports temporarily think they need.” At also indicate that Danny’s father has been increasingly handing out press time, Rand Paul could be found random acts of affection. “Sometimes when I’m just watching TV, at coffee shop in Iowa campaigning dad will give me a big hug and say ‘I’ll always love you no matter for the youth vote. what happens.’ It’s kind of weird.” At press time, sources confirmed Point: Schools should not serve peanuts for the that Tucker was pacing around his house while muttering “What am sake of allergic kids. I going to do?” repeatedly to himself. Like all parents, there is nothing more important to me than my child’s safety and well-being. When my son Jeremy was diagnosed with a severe, airborne peanut al- Name: 3689/YMCA; Width: 29p6; Depth: 5 in; Color: Black, 3689/ lergy at the age of two, it changed our lives drastically. At fi rst it was very diffi cult YMCA; Ad Number: 3689 and frustrating, but we have since adjusted and now it’s a part of our everyday, normal life. When Jeremy recently started kindergarten, we made sure to warn the school about our son’s allergy. However, during the fi rst week, one of his class- mates brought a PB&J to lunch, which caused Jeremy to suff er a severe attack that almost killed him. As it turns out, Jeremy’s story is not an isolated incident. Many schools across the country have had similar episodes, and some sadly have passed away as a result. Negligence like this should not be tolerated, and every school needs to put strict rules in place in order to accommodate a severely allergic child on their campus. School should be a place where all kids should be safe, regardless of their needs. Counterpoint: I am Mr. Peanut. I will find and take the weak ones. Who are children like Jeremy to think they are above the order of the truth? I am the Lord of Legumes, the King of Goober Peas, an Arbiter of Blackness. I have always been, and will always be. It is my duty to rid the planet of the feeble and the sickly, for the universe cannot tolerate such frailty. Th e churning machine of the cosmos must correct its mistakes, and children such as Jeremy are not meant to be. You mustn’t attempt to understand why, because it is beyond human capacity to fathom. Do not think the fragile can elude me, for my monocle is an all-seeing, all-feeling entity. I can always sense their presence; it is only a matter of time until I take them all in my cold, gloved grasp. After which I must return them to the void, the emptiness, where they belong. Th ere is no escaping me, Jeremy. Th e weak must perish. Th ere is no other way. I answer only to one: Kraft Foods CEO, John T. Cahill. Travesty Fact #125: Prince works as the Jaffar at Disney World when he’s not on tour. READY FOR BILL CLINTON TO BE FIRST LADY SINCE 1997 6• NEWS Area friend had another dumb dream Bill Powers frantically tries to use up last night remainder of Dine-in Dollars PENGUIN COVE, ANTARCTICA— Reports came in this AUSTIN— Due to his imminent departure morning that Julia Maurice had another dumb dream last. “It was from the University of Texas at Austin, the strangest thing. First I was flying through the air on the back University President Bill Powers has been frantically trying to use up the remainder of a tortoise, then I was underwater doing flips with Dolphin of his Dine-in Dollars. “I’ve started Lundgren, celebrity dolphin. Then I was on a train, and it was catering my executive board meetings with going chugga chugga chugga chugga, chugga chugga chugga Kinsolving macaroni,” Powers said, as he chugga,” said Maurice, oblivious to the many eye rolls that friends scarfed down two plates of tri-colored were directing her way, as she continued, “chugga chugga chugga melon from the JCL salad bar. “I’ve also chugga. And that’s not the weird part. The weird part was when started to buy merchandise in bulk at the the Grim Reaper came in to tell me that my time has come.” As university stores. T-shirts, stuffed Bevos, birthday cards, toothpaste, cough syrup, graph paper, what have you. I’m done with all my holiday of press time, Maurice was spotted fulfilling the Grim Reaper’s shopping for at least two years.” Bill Powers was last seen at 6 A.M. request by digging a six-by-six foot dolphin hole in the front yard. hastily driving to Jester Market when his wife ran out of shampoo. College is a time to experiment, but these lab mice aren’t into me like that.

Cameron Carmine it’s becoming increasingly interacting romantically my hypotheses has been from dreadful Open-minded Scientist clear that these lab mice with women or with met with less success experimentation, aren’t into me like that. men - things tend to turn than the last. I’m starting in both senses. They say college is I have garnered awkward pretty quickly. to worry that I’ll never My own curious supposed to be the best considerable recognition So, before I can even get published - these ambitions to step four years of your life. from my professors for consider making contact god-forsaken lab mice on the other side Well let me tell you, in my interest and drive in with other humans, I have really screwed of sexuality may my experience nothing my scientific research. must discover a way to me over (figuratively, have made some could be further from the I’ve spent most of my unfortunately). This of my subjects truth. Everybody around time out of class in “This could have could have been truly uncomfortable. here seems pretty open our state-of-the-art been truly ground- groundbreaking science if If any of my to trying new things for laboratories, often pulling these lab mice weren’t so mouse subjects sexual. I didn’t mean the most part - people all-nighters with just the breaking science prudish. have incredibly gained to offend you. If my like to test boundaries in lab mice for company. if these lab mice All in all, the more I the ability to comprehend experiments have taught college. It’s common for Before too long, I found weren’t so prudish.” reflect on my practices, written English and are me anything, it’s that you people of the same sex to myself unexpectedly, I suppose you can’t force reading this, know that shouldn’t force any man, “explore” during this time, inexorably attracted to make these mice find me someone to find you good I’m sorry (and also that woman or lab mouse to and I’d be lying if I said them - especially the compelling enough to looking, no matter what my other experiment love you or experiment I hadn’t made an attempt cute white one in the want to experiment with sex or species they may was apparently a massive with you. Sea otters, myself. Unfortunately, corner there. I call him me. be. I should have realized success!). on the other hand, will even though college is an Moushua. I’ve never Despite months of this from the beginning My intentions were experiment with anyone ideal time to experiment, really had much success ceaseless effort, each of and saved these mice purely scientific, and or anything.

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6• FEATURES TEXAS TRAVESTY • APRIL 2015 NEWS •7

Point: My body is a temple and I should This headline makes you think of your parents having treat it as such. sex, and so will this brief I was raised Episcopalian but in adolescence my faith began to dwindle, AUSTIN— As you were going about your daily routine in seemingly normal fashion, you un- and by early adulthood I was entirely without organized religion. Fortunately, I have found a new place of worship and that is my own fortunately stumbled across this headline and now all you can think about is your parents hav- body. Too many of the world’s great religions instill in their followers ing sex. Unfortunately, the rest of this brief will only make things worse. Now, as you settle in to contempt for their bodies, teaching them that the human corpus is a read the remainder of this paragraph, the image of your father’s sweating, gyrating body on top vulgar mass of flesh that must be transcended. We should not be trying of your lovely mother becomes seared in your brain forever. Mommy and Daddy aren’t taking it to escape our bodies, as an attempt to do so is obviously futile. Instead, slow tonight either; this is as passionate as lovemaking can get, you’re quietly thinking to your- we must recognize there is peace to be found in the body, and it should be treated with the reverence that religious followers have directed self right now. A wave of terrifying emotions rush through your veins at the intrusive thought toward their gods for thousands of years. The body is not a trap to escape of your father flipping your mother over onto her stomach for their ultimate erotic conclusion. but an idol to be worshipped. Finally this brief finishes, as do your parents simultaneously and you now truly understand the Counterpoint: My body is a strip-club next to an miracle of childbirth. Arby’s, so let’s burn baby burn. Local brother to get you job at HEB, no problem For men who really work up an appetite while receiving half-priced lap HOUSTON— After years of leaning into your ear to whisper that he can get you a dances, my body could be considered a great convenience, even a luxury part time job anytime, local brother, Thomas Nethole, is finally getting you a job at to some. However, I seriously doubt that any expression of religious HEB, easy. “I’ve been in the company for so long now, I mean the manager is practi- devotion has ever occurred within the depths of my “lipid-generous” cally my best friend, we goof around a lot, ha,” Nethole frame. As one prone to introspection I can’t help but gaze into myself, joked as he began listing off the various benefits the and I am always deeply disturbed by what I find. Have you ever seen a man with Arby’s sauce on his overalls spit a chewed chicken wing from grocery store offers him, such as a retirement plan, 10% his mouth into the mouth of a meth-addled stripper? That’s essentially discount, and maternity leave. “I know that may seem what you’re seeing when I take off my shirt. They say Jesus died for our like a lot now, but if you’re anything like me you’ll be sins, but is there anyway he could have predicted the severity of sin glad you signed up for HEB’s lucrative 401k plan.” At occurring around my overhanging midriff? It seems the only logical press time, Nethole was seen pressure-buffing his two- option for a man with my body is self-sacrifice, so I have decided to year-old Employee of the Month plaque. douse this inferno...with an Arby’s Jamocha Shake, baby. FEATURES •7 8

WRITING QURAN FANFICTION SINCE 1997 NEWS • 8 Business student grateful to have close-knit group of connections

DALLAS— Blessed for the all the sharped-dressed, slick- to meet any useful associ- opportunity to have met a tight haired guys surrounding me. ates,’” he admitted. “And then bunch of like-minded people, It’s crazy how fortunate I am I thought, ‘Am I going to have Southern Methodist University to have such a great group of to try in this class for the entire senior and aspiring Goldman consultants,” said Daniels as he semester? Or will I get to meet & Sachs associate Brett Daniels passed out a deck of business someone that will hook me up expressed his gratitude to cards. “I mean you make a few with a job to justify my blowing reporters Sunday for having connections when you’re in this off?’” such a close-knit group of con- high school, mostly through Reflecting on all of the times nections. family friends, but when you that he shared with his group any one of these associates. They Daniels, a 21-year-old busi- get to college you never know of connections, which included would undoubtedly offer their ness major and finance minor, who you’re going to meet. And long, informed talks over the economic shoulder to expound revealed that his decision to so far my LinkedIn profile has market, countless trips to the my entrepreneurial difficulties join Alpha Kappa Psi’s business acquired over a hundred con- bank, and of course, some wild on. Mickey, whose aunt is an chapter at SMU, his father’s nections and counting.” cocaine-fueled nights, Daniels Analyst at IBM, or Dale, whose alma mater, was one of the best, Sporting a navy blue blazer, said that he’s made the most of father-in-law is a Program most career-conscience deci- Daniels recounted the begin- his college experience. Manager at Google, will assure sions he’s made in his life. ning of his college career, “I just “It’s just good to know that me that everything is going to “We’ll be at TGI Fridays remember sitting down in my if I am ever feeling low, or if I be all right.” having a round of drinks or just Business Ethics class on the am ever in a position where the shooting the shit in someone’s first day of class thinking to market is compromising my office, when I’ll suddenly notice myself, ‘I wonder if I am going future job security, I can call on

8 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com 9

9• GOODBYES TEXAS TRAVESTY • APRIL 2015 Point: Spending the past 4 years with the Texas Travesty has been amazing. I’ve grown so much as a person. Chris Gilman boy because of them. It’s been a pleasure reigning Editor in Chief as Editor-in-Chief this year, but I am ready to pass Th e Texas Travesty is a magnet for wonderful the bittersweet baton of responsibility onward. Josh people, none of whom I want to use space to men- and Max, I know you’ll take good care of this puppy. tion besides both Nicks, Rohit, Xavier, Dustin, We’ve changed the Travesty forever and put it at Vishal, Marshall, Justin, Taylor, David, Hannah, what I would argue is the very top of its 18-year Katherine, Jacqui, Ethan, Colby, Edward, Beck, game. Our legacies will live on within the ink, and Aston, Kristen, Tyler, CJ, Mac, Josh, Max, Maryam, each of you will live on deep within my marrow. Nathan, Jordan, Evan, Hazel, Carolina, Suzuka, Stay golden. I’ll see you all on the dance floor for Erin, Chloe, Elizabeth, Abby, Vedant, Bones, Grace, one final round of ‘Mamma Mia’, or ‘El Sonidito’, Ruby, John, Kelly, Connor, Avery, Alex, Louisa, Ben, or both. It’s our moment, and within it we live etc. I’m a better writer, a worse athlete, and a tinier forever. Counterpoint: Death is inevitable. Working for the Last will and testament Travesty has changed absolutely nothing. Nick Ward Th e Travesty itself is made of death (i.e. pulverized trees). truth is that our friends, our entertainment, and our false Staff Writer Has it not been obvious from the start? Th is publication deities are artifi cial distractions from the Unstoppable that we expend so much time and energy on is just a Force of Human Impermanence. Likely sooner than I, Nicholas Miguel Ward (name), an adult residing at Th e University of Texas at Austin reminder that we are but fi nite beings of a temporary later, our bodies will sag, our hearts will stop, and our cold (address), being of sound mind, declare this to be my Last Will and Testament. I’m not fl esh. Print media is dead, and the Travesty is just an blood will be drained from us by a (hopefully) licensed dead I’m just leaving. Additionally, I don’t revoke any wills and codicils previously made by open casket funeral. Josh and Max, you’ll be running the mortician who has complete control over our dead, naked, me. show next year but know that one day each of you will vulnerable bodies; for he is the true gatekeeper between us become an inanimate corpse. An inanimate. Fucking. and the dirt. He’d be the only person in the world who’d ARTICLE I Corpse. Does this imply both of you will become one know if he were to bruise his name into your lifeless skin single corpse? Maybe. All I know is that nothing you do before dressing you for the casket nap. It’s his choice. We I appoint nobody on the Travesty as my Personal Representative to administer this Will, next year matters in light of this. Go ahead, fuck it up. are all at his will. H.A.G.S.! and ask that he/she be permitted to serve without Court supervision and without posting Fuck it right to hell. Who gives a shit when the ultimate bond. If ANYBODY ELSE is unwilling or unable to serve, then I appoint the Travesty staff as a whole to serve as my Personal Representative, and ask that he/she be permitted Man cries like shook bitch to serve without Court supervision and without posting bond. and Latino keyboard music, most beautiful people that have Ethan Boer Distribution Director throwing up malt liquor into ever attended the University of ARTICLE II When I fi rst decided to join this a trash can in the middle of Texas at Austin, because of this

paper on the recommendation of a crowded living room while special publication I can fi nally I devise, bequeath, and give my writing supplements, headlines, jokes, entire collection of a friend I thought that it would aforementioned music played, view my college career as a huge chicken bones, Android phone charger, couches, shares of stock in Enron, autographed just be me pitching horrible made a complete ass out of success. ABBA gold record and bathroom cleaning supplies to the Texas Travesty staff . headlines and blatantly ripping myself in front of the entire UT Nick, Chris, Justin, Lee, Rohit,

off ideas that Th e Onion already student body every month, and Jacqui, Kristen, Vishal, Aston, ARTICLE IV did several years ago and then hyperventilated from laughing Chloe, Taylor, Mac, Marshall,

just go home at 10:30 PM more than I ever had in my entire Xavier, Nick Ward, Beck, Josh, I devise, bequeath, and give all of the rest and remainder of my residuary estate as follows: and partake in the depressing life. Max, Maryam, Nathan, Colby, a. 100% to the Union food court and its affi liates. activity of watching M*A*S*H Watching the Travesty go Edward, Jordan, Elizabeth,

reruns while eating Rice-A-Roni from desperately clinging on Vedant, Abby, Hazel, Erin, ARTICLE V straight out of the pan. Little to 12 members and accepting Carolina, Suzuka, Cole, Ruby,

did I know that this humor anyone who walks through the Grace, John, Evan, Kelly, Connor, Should any benefi ciary not survive me by 30 days, or if they are the reason for my passing, publication was disguised as the door to actually running the Alex, Avery, and Louisa thank his or her share shall be distributed to his or her then surviving children in equal shares. closest knit group of friends that fucking school and it’s imminent you so much for being my friends Also, I hope they say something kind like “Nick’s friendship is all I really need” as they I will ever have the pleasure of rise to popularity will forever be and I wish you all more than reap these sweet rewards. I’ve met some pretty cool people on staff and hope we can still meeting. a memory that I hold dear and luck in any endeavour that you be friends when this is all over because, when the zombies come, we’re going to need each Over the course of the year a story that will remain in my attempt in your bright futures. other. and a half that I have spent at family for generations. None of Mamma mia, it’s fi nally time Signed, this prestigious institution I this would have been possible to leave.

Nick Ward have experienced the following: without the collective minds of Setting a party off using ABBA some of the wittiest, funniest, and

Travesty Fact #9: Our dad will smile if you leave gravy on his pillow. 10

UNTYING THE KNOT SINCE 1997 GOODBYES• 10 Texas Travesty anything but travesty: ½ Live a little “I’m pretty sure by the time Gilman gets this no ing refl ection of the failing Amer- against all other TSM entities, Chloe Morris Marshall Kistner Unpaid Intern Head Videographer ican education system. In Act II, and our video unit skyrocketed one will have remembered I was even on the Trav- While off ering up an amorously I was promoted to upper staff as to new heights after winning the esty, but I’m saying goodbye anyway. Even though I only spent a mea- pleasant experience, yet a bit aim- Head Videographer and there largest student body presiden- ger almost-year with the Trav’ © (and only because my stupid friend less in spots, the Texas Travesty was an intriguing tonal shift that tial election in UT history as a said she’d apply with me but then she didn’t and then she became is overall an entertaining piece took the plot in a new direction: joke (#RotMan2015). So, even Ebo’s girlfriend and it was weird) it was an experience. I pitched a lot I began to actually enjoy these though the Texas Travesty lacked of art that is worth checking out of DOA headlines and learned who Tim and Eric are and also got to if you’re bored or my parents. people’s company and realize this consistent character development sell my body so that disaff ected UT students would take a free paper. Released in 1997, this publication was the ragtag group of friends I and emotional depth, there were was defi nitely ahead of its time, as always dreamed of having before enough hearty laughs to hold Either way, it was a cool time and while I’d like to say it changed my it slowly became a word of mouth I arrived at college. Act II of the my attention throughout (SEE: life it really just gave me an excuse to get out of the house for a few sensation to tens of people. After Texas Travesty emulated the ex- create-a-character on WWE hours on Tuesday nights before the Mindy Project came on. Th anks hearing about this local Austin quisite stylings of an early Soviet 2K15, dancing to El Sonidito, guys. I learned way more about nerdy weirdos than I ever thought I montage: a Rocky-esque pastiche playing Loaded Questions, clown secret, I decided to fi nally see would.” for myself what all the hubbub of the ups and downs detailing banquet, etc.) But in all serious- was about in January 2013. I the many nights and week- ness, the Travesty boys have made I don’t really know how to say this immediately realized the hype ends spent writing comedy. We these past 3 years inexplicably and was bullshit. Act I of the Travesty laughed, we danced, we trained disturbingly fun and I will miss Evan Waring Th is is a hard goodbye to write: How am I provided me the role of Adminis- our bodies, we had many near the hell out of each and every Staff Writer supposed to write a farewell to casual ac- kisses and missed romantic op- one of you. I will treasure these trative Assistant, otherwise known quaintances? I just joined the Travesty a couple months ago, as being the bitch boy to a bunch portunities. And then, some girls memories forever and can’t wait to of dweebs. It was clear this cast of fi nally joined staff . As we arrived see where our beloved publication and I don’t even really know any of you people. I think these characters, the majority of which at Act III, our small group of 12 goes from here. And that’s why, in columns are for people more personally invested in the orga- were Caucasian, one-dimensional, had slowly grown into a family my humble professional opinion, nization, so I don’t really know why I’m even writing this. Th is and embarrassingly clichéd, would of 30. In the fi nal, show stop- I give the Texas Travesty ½ just feels weird. But I will say that it’s been a pleasure to write be entered in the same lexicon as ping climax of my time with the stars out of . some goofy stuff with you guys and defi nitely a highlight of my Travesty, we were awarded Best fellow losers like Th e Bad News time at UT. So bye, people I’ve talked to a couple times. Y’all Bears or Hootie and the Blowfi sh. Local Publication of 2014, won It was a sad bunch, and a scorch- a massive fundraising campaign seem alright. This was only ever a means to an end Edward Stockwell home for so long, and that I abso- forget Texas Travesty. It’ll prob- it has left. And, when the email Staff Writer lutely consider the highlight of my ably take a few years to forget. I’ve arrives in my inbox that the Trav- This is it. The end. Looking back life on the Forty Acres. Yet, I did made so many life in my twenties- esty is in desperate times and needs over the four years of my college so much more than just climb the long friends that I will cherish for alums like me to donate to keep it career, I can easily say that my time ladder and eventually lead the only that amount of time: Chris, Ethan, going, I will toss ten to fifteen dol- at the Texas Travesty has been my student-run FCC-licensed broad- Roheet, Javier, Mike Shmeerkat, lars its way to preserve the dream third, or possibly fourth, favorite cast station in the country. I also Colby, Marshall, Tito, Germaine, for the outcast RTF and Plan II at this university. Why, I remem- had some great internships at Clear and especially Tito. These guys, and majors that call it home as I did for ber being a doe-eyed freshman and Channel Radio, and more recently the girls I won’t remember are what a few days out of the month. God walking into the HSM building, at Rooster Teeth. Talk about some made being a writer for the Trav- bless you TSTV, Rooster Teeth, and unsure of just what I was getting major resumé building! I mean, esty a mostly-exciting time, when I the Texas Travesty, in that order. myself into. However, there was no Clear Channel (now iHeart Radio) wasn’t preoccupied with my afore- need for me to be worried at all. is the largest radio conglomerate in mentioned job running a fucking Everyone welcomed me with open the country, and Rooster Teeth is TV station as well as networking at arms and, within days, I truly felt increasingly growing to be one of my internships. I feel confident that like I was a member of the team. the biggest digital entertainment this great publication will hobble And gosh, here I am now as Sta- channels on the web. It’s just been on like a crippled deer after being tion Manager of Texas Student an incredible ride. blindsided by a ‘92 Chevy Malibu Television; the place that I called But, at the end of the day, I can’t without me, for however many years

10 • NEWS www.texastravesty.com 11-Classifieds

GOODBYES• 10 11• GOODBYES TEXAS TRAVESTY • APRIL 2015 Exposing the Cult of Texas Travesty Ode to the Travesty Folk Nick Mehendale tic rants and discussions about their intelligence and charm to Jain, Chloe Morris, and Nathan Colby Smith Wow, where to begin with this thing? It’s been Editor Emeritus pop culture, their odd personal infiltrate the University’s political Simmons, some of the most de- Staff Writer two wacky years writing for you, Travesty. Since I spent three and a half years lives, and tangents that abide establishment. Do not be fooled. ceptively funny people one could the time I first shuffled into the small, sectioned-off space in the corner in the University-sanctioned cult by no logic or direction. They only want the Chili’s on meet. They are not to be trusted, of Daily Texan’s office to now, so much has happened in between. For one known around campus as Texas Having lived through it all, I campus for personal use. especially with children or thing the transition to the other side of the Daily Texan’s office, where our Travesty. This is my story. know this shady cult has long Josh Brenner and Max Fried- adults. new space came with an additional square foot and a few fancy walls. In I came to the Travesty at the fought to maintain its secrecy, but man, upcoming leaders of the cult. Bones Rudder, Ruby Monette- that change of residency I’ve lost two wallets, a piece of tooth, and a sub- beginning of my sophomore year. I will keep silent no longer. At I warn everyone to keep an eye on Meadow, Grace Gilker, and Cole tle, yet noticeable amount of shame. That being said, I’ve also gained more The cult works by preying on great personal risk to myself and them. I don’t know what they’re Gerthoffer, the bright future of than I could hope for, including copious memories, permission to slander, confused, impressionable students my family, here are the names of planning, but I know it’s going the cult. Hopefully there is still a few inches of hair, and the pleasure to work with some really great folks. and offering them an outlet to its members: to be big. time to save them, but at this You girls and boys are my brethren. If it were hours spent writing gags in explore “comedy”. This is a code Chris Gilman, retiring leader Maryam Amjadi, Hazel point, it’s hard to tell. an odorous basement, pulling off shenanigans on campus, or going nuts word used by its members to refer of the Travesty. He has built the O’Neil, Carolina Treviño, and Leaving the Travesty has been to Latino music in the streets, I couldn’t have asked for a better group of to jokes about anything from Travesty up beyond anything I Erin O’Conner, the backbone a difficult process, and I’m still goofballs to do it with. The laughter never stopped and the memories the weird-looking dicks to healthy- could’ve imagined. He’s a truly that gives all of the cult’s dumb getting readjusted to life in the Travesty has granted me over the years will always be grand—and also looking dicks. impressive guy that should not be ideas and jokes the beautiful outside world. But I’m not the oddly reminiscent of an ample, on-the-verge-of-over-doing-it, amount of Once someone has been in- underestimated. presentation they don’t deserve. only one to make it out. Beck ABBA. Cheers to you, Travesty. ducted into the cult, a humiliating Xavi Rotnofsky and Rohit Marshall Kistner, Edward Olp, Dustin Mark, and the many, process of being asked questions Mandalapu, newly elected Stockwell, Ethan Boer, Colby many amazing people I unfortu- Nostalgic Alumnus Rushes Back and then immediately forced to Prime Minister and Queen Smith, Nick Ward, Mac Mc- nately don’t have time to mention, Vishal Jain SAN FRANCISCO - Last Wednesday, during a post- answer them, they are thrown of the University of Texas Cann, Justin Bregman, Elizabeth I’m glad to have you guys on the The Successful One work run in Golden Gate Park... fuck it. I’ve thought Student Parliament. They have, Dubois, Abby Hilling, Jordan other side. into a small, overcrowded room of 50 ways to write this last column, each idea no better than the last. So I’ll keep in unprecedented form, used Dempsey, Vedant Peris, Vishal and expected to join in on ritualis- it semi-serious. Texas Travesty was the first organization I joined after coming to campus, and I’ll still be crashing banquet a semester after graduating. This publica- A Dream I Never Had tion allowed me to interact with so many bright and witty students from across our Justin Bregman that sends a green Elizabeth charges, kicks right hand with which he campus on a weekly basis. From UA9 to several moves within the HSM basement, Staff Writer golf ball-size bubble Abby from the chair with strokes the cheek of the those Tuesday nights were always so special. I could say something drifting up into the her clubfoot, and helps slumbering Maryam. He From day one, staff has always been inviting and generally awesome. My first sincere and straightfor- breeze. Another belch the whimpering Max into begins to sing: Rest easy, deadline weekend consisted of many jokes, some junk food, a bonfire/campout, and ward but I think that and the bubble bursts, the chair. Rohit enters sweet baby, your bones new friends. The next 26 were equally as magical, even though I wasn’t fully around would make all of us sending an entirely hair- the kitchen and asks will be safe with me. Rest for all of them. Over four and a half years, I saw us change so much. But that’s uncomfortable, so I won’t. less and naked Nathan Mac: How’d everything easy, my lady, in the shade what is so magical about this team. Every year, the Travesty reinvents itself through If you don’t see yourself in tumbling to the ground. go? “Something like of my bone tree. Ethan big personalities and lots of teamwork. this portrait know it’s not Nathan squawks and that,” declares Mac. Rohit and Mac have been To past staff: I’m so glad to have met many of you. Alyssa, Dan, Jessica, Jermaine, for lack of love but just scurries off on hands and exhales, relieved. The moved to tears. Ethan sits Josue, Aaron, Harry, CJ, David, Jordan, Cameron, Joe, Claire, Kristen, Jacqui, As- that you didn’t enter my feet. “Did he do okay?” toilet flushes in the bath- next to Bones and Mac ton, Nick, Chloe, Taylor, Neha, Helen. Some of you taught me a level of attention stream-of-consciousness Josh addresses Mac. room and Ethan emerges. continues through the to satire that I previously did not know existed. Some of you were great friends. All before the word limit. “Something,” responds “Was he okay?” he asks garden until he arrives at of you are amazing and I hope to do a better job of keeping in touch. A large adobe house Mac. “Good,” says Chris, Mac. “Hello,” says Mac. the pool. A mustachioed To current staff: Justin, Ethan, Nick, Colby, Jordan, Elizabeth, Vedant, Abby, and with a Spanish roof hugs as he nibbles at a carrot. Ethan grins. He can rest Edward sits in a poolside other writers, it’s so impressive to watch you crank out briefs and articles like no a white-gravel court- Elizabeth emerges from easy. “Mac, fellow, let me rocking chair. He is but- other. Sometimes it’s dick jokes and sometimes it’s dad jokes, but it’s always funny. yard. In the center of the house and limps over show you a thing.” Ethan tering his moustache with Designers - Maryam, Hazel, Erin - you are wizards with Photoshop and InDesign. the courtyard is a small to Mac. “How did he do?” leads Mac outside to the a spoon as he turns to Without you, the issue would be a bunch of words on soggy newspaper. Marshall, vegetable garden where she asks. “Nope,” says garden. He lifts a large Mac. “He did well?” “To Edward, Max, Nathan, Mac, and video/social media folks - you are often the first Chris works dutifully. Mac. Elizabeth smiles leaf from the ground live is to die,” responds point of contact with many of our fans and the reason we’ve been able to build a Josh stands over him, contently. She opens the to reveal Maryam with Mac. Edward sighs with fan base over time. Congrats on the 3K likes and thanks for always showcasing the resting on a shovel and sliding glass door and a shaved head sleeping relief. best of what we have to offer. Xavier, Josh, sweet Rohit and tinyboy Chris - you stark naked save for a Mac follows her inside. soundly alongside a yam have done a phenomenal job of keeping everything together and killing it this tattered yarmulke on his In the kitchen Max and slightly larger than her. year. To Cole, Ruby, Bones, Grace, and everyone else, working on features was my head. Mac enters through Abby are grappling for an “She’ll do just fine,” says favorite part and the backbone of our efforts. Nothing is better than sitting around the gate, dressed in a empty wheelchair. Abby Ethan. “She’s wonderful,” that table bouncing ideas off of each other. We made a lot of jokes. Some of them velvet blue tuxedo. He temporarily gains the says Bones, approaching were funny and got printed. takes a sip of Mountain upper hand and takes a from behind. He is hold- Aside from all the work we did and fun we had, it often felt like we were family. If Dew and releases a belch seat in the throne when ing a small femur in his any of you find yourself in San Francisco, hit me up.

Travesty Fact #1045: Your mom will always love you. 12-Comics

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