Alabama Cooperative Extension System, Auburn and Alabama A&M Universities HE-718 Am I Spoiling My Child? arenting a young child is a challengingP task for new par- ents. From the time the baby arrives, want to do the right things. One big worry parents often have is whether they are spoiling their child. It’s common for parents to ask, “If I let him have what he wants, am I spoiling him?” Relatives and friends have been known to say, “You’re going to spoil that child if you always pick her up when she cries!” But, what does it mean to be spoiled? Most people agree that a spoiled child is self-centered and demanding, inconsiderate of others, and unpleasant to be around. The classic spoiled child sees himself and his needs as more important than anything else and does everything he can to get what he wants. In this publication, we will talk about the kinds of things young children do that make parents wonder if they are raising spoiled children. We will also Can I Spoil talk about how you canARCHIVE encour- My Baby? infant by meeting these needs. age your children to behave Some people believe that In fact, prompt attention to in ways that are self-confident comforting a crying baby will their needs gives babies confi- rather than self-centered, coop- just encourage her to cry more. dence that their world is safe erative rather than controlling, This is a myth—babies cry for and predictable. Many people and considerate rather than a reason! A baby cannot feed are surprised to learn that demanding. herself or calm herself when babies whose parents respond she is hungry or in pain. Her promptly to their cries actually cries are signals that she needs cry less than other babies. help. You cannot spoil your

www.aces.edu Some people believe that develop physically, mentally, for example, is just beginning parents who drop everything in and socially. What can you do to use his improving language order to comfort a crying infant to show warmth and ? Here and physical skills to meet his teach a baby that he is in charge are a few suggestions. own needs. His attempts may be and can control his parents. • Hold your baby. pretty clumsy, but understand- This is also a myth. The fact is • Rock him. ing parents see the annoying that babies are unable to think aspects of their toddler’s • Cuddle your baby. about how their behavior affects attempts at independence as their parents. They cannot think • with him. part of growing up. They see the about getting what they want • Talk to him. as a sign of a frustrated like older children and adults • Give your baby lots of love child, not a sign of a spoiled do. Babies are dependent upon and attention. child. Wise parents recognize the good will of their caregivers. Can you think of any others? that with time, patience, and When parents respond to their parental guidance young babies’ genuine needs for Spoiled Children Or children learn more acceptable comfort and care, they are not ways of communicating and get- spoiling their children. They are Growing Children? ting their wants and needs met. building a good foundation for Sometimes adults think the capable, caring people their children who do unpleasant or Too Little Attention children will become. annoying things are spoiled. But As babies mature physically what adults see as bad behavior Can Cause Spoiled and socially, parents’ expecta- may simply be normal behavior Behaviors tions need to change. Because for a child at that particular age While it is true that very parents have responded sensi- and developmental stage. For young children may behave tively to their needs during the example, it is not unusual for a poorly because they don’t yet first 3 to 6 months, babies are 2-year-old who can’t have some- have the skills to act otherwise, better able to calm themselves thing she badly wants to throw some things parents do may in some situations and may not a tantrum. This is unpleasant also contribute to poor behavior. need the same kind of care as and irritating, but it does not Even as children grow and when they were younger. A mean the child is spoiled. are able to do many things for fussy 7-month-old, for example, Children do things that are themselves, they never outgrow may not need to be picked up irritating and obnoxious. the need for their parents’ posi- and carried around when he Throwing , ordering tive attention. Be generous with cries. Instead, he may be able to people around, and testing the the time and encouragement calm himself if he’s given a toy limits parents set for them are you offer young children. They to play with or the opportunity just normal ways young chil- benefit from hearing about your to crawl around on the floor. dren behave at times. A toddler, good feelings and positive atti- As the baby grows, you will tudes. Such attention makes a want to be on the lookout for child feel accepted as a person. the growing number of things Your warmth and affection will that he can do for himself. Try also encourage your child to to avoid getting into a habit of respond more positively to your doing things for your children guidance. that they can do for themselves. Children who don’t get No matter how skillful babies enough positive attention may become at doing things for try to get it in ways that irritate themselves, however, they have their parents—tantrums, whin- some needs that onlyARCHIVE others ing, and clinging. It may be hard can satisfy—plenty of love, for adults to understand, but to attention, and affection. Babies young children, the attention thrive on the kind and loving of their parents is so important attention of their caregivers. that even the attention of an In fact, research tells us that angry is preferable to not parental warmth and affection is being noticed at all. very important to how children

2 Alabama Cooperative Extension System If you are worried that When Too Much Not Setting Limits your children are spoiled, ask yourself about the kinds of Attention Causes Can Cause Spoiled attention you give them. Do you Spoiled Behaviors Behaviors spend a lot of time telling them what to do or not do? Do you Sometimes children act Some parents who may be give children positive attention spoiled when parents do too very good at allowing their chil- when they are well-behaved? much. Don’t continue to do dren to be independent may not Parents who find themselves things for your children that be good at setting clear and firm focusing on the negative things they can physically do for limits for behavior. Children children do also need to notice themselves. For example, most easily discover rules that can be them when they are happy preschool-age children can dress broken if their protest is long and occupied. For example, themselves, brush their hair, and loud enough. Parents allow “Denise, that’s a tall building and put their own toys away. this to happen for different you’ve made!” “Son, you look To do these things regularly for reasons. like you are really enjoying that children teaches them to feel • Some parents just want to book.” Take time to appreciate they deserve such service all avoid the hassle of a conflict something about your children the time. Few children learn to with their children. It’s easier each day. For example, “Sondra, show appreciation for these for them to let the rules slide I notice you have a real talent efforts. Instead, they often than to deal with the fuss. for finding things.” “William, become impossible to satisfy, • For other parents, it is hard thank you for keeping your toys thinking there is no limit to refuse their children anything, picked up.” to what they can demand. because they don’t want them Parents who feel exhausted and to be unhappy. These parents Regularly offering kind words unappreciated may find that and attention removes the need think “unhappy children” equals they have made their children “bad parents.” for your children to demand dependent on them. In that • Still others are afraid their attention in less acceptable case, you need to encourage angry children will not love ways. If you would like more children to do as much as their them. The fact is that children ideas for giving your child posi- age and abilities allow them. want to know that their parents tive attention, other publications Wise parents will do this in a are in charge; they need struc- in this series may be helpful. step-by-step manner, starting ture and limits. See especially ExtensionARCHIVE publi- out with suggestions that the cations HE-681, “Enjoying Each child and parent complete Parents who set rules and Child As An Individual,” and the task together. As children then do not enforce them very HE-684, “Building A Positive understand what is expected of often have children who think Relationship With Your Child.” them, parents can remove their that rules don’t apply to them. help little by little. It will take Not only are these children hard some time, but you can teach to live with, but they may be children to gradually become disliked by other children and more self-reliant. put at a disadvantage when they

Am I Spoiling My Child? 3 enter school. Caring parents firmly and fairly require their Good children to follow rules that have Behaviors Avoid been made clear ahead of time. Doing this encourages respon- Spoiling sibility in children and teaches Raising children who are them not to hurt or behave self-reliant, cooperative, and disrespectfully to others. If you considerate rather than spoiled would like to know more about is a challenging but rewarding setting limits and rules for young process. Parents who succeed children, another publication know how children grow and in this series, HE-719, “Helping what to expect of their children Young Children Behave,” will at different ages. They are able give you more information. to respond to their children’s For young children, learning genuine needs for care and com- the rules takes patient guidance fort. They recognize when the from parents. Remember, it’s limits they set need to change. harder for a child to follow the Good parents know how Knowing all these things rules when he is sick, tired, powerful their positive attention, is important. But even wise hungry, or finds himself in an affection, and support is to their parents find that it’s not always unfamiliar or exciting new envi- children’s willingness to be easy to know if they are doing ronment. Parents’ expectations cooperative. They also recognize the right things every time. in these situations need to be how important setting limits and Parenting is a balancing act that more flexible. It may take longer simple rules is for helping young asks you to decide many things to put a child to bed if he is children to understand and do at once. How much attention sleeping at grandma’s house. A what is expected of them. and how much discipline does child may fight more with others my child need right now? if he is feeling ill or cranky. It Whose needs should I meet is still appropriate to expect the first? How will what I do now child to go to bed or that he not affect what happens later? hit others when angry, but in Sometimes you will lose these situations understanding your balance. You will make parents will recognize that they mistakes. The important thing is need to take a more active role not to be perfect, but to learn a than usual to help children do little more and do a little better what is expected. the next day. Be patient with your child and with yourself. In time, your steady guidance will help your young child grow into a responsible and considerate youngster. ARCHIVE

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Ellen Abell, Extension Specialist, Associate Professor, Human Development and Studies, Auburn University For more information, call your county Extension office. Look in your telephone directory under your county’s name to find the number. Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work in agriculture and home economics, Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, and other related acts, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture. The Alabama Cooperative Extension System, Auburn University and Alabama A&M University, offers educational pro- grams, materials, and equal opportunity employment to all people without regard to race, color, national origin, religion, sex, age, veteran status, or disability. 6M, Reprinted July 2006, HE-718 © 2006 by the Alabama Cooperative Extension System. All rights reserved.