Wednesday 18th December, 1996 issue 1073

http://www.su.ic.ac.uk/Felix est. 1949 FStudenELIt Newspaper of ImperialCpllegX e

2xX(nXVJ'rcwe^>. !<;_ 10. New BMS accident causes injury

JACKIE SKEATE height. This accident led to a high- In the latest in a string of accidents on level health and safety investigation, the Biomedical Sciences building which may eventually result in J ii site, a worker has been seriously changes in design of these types of injured when the main gates to the crane. On another occasion, due to a compound struck him on the jaw. breakdown in communications, a The incident, which occurred on crane put several tonnes of steel rein- Friday 6th, has prompted a change of forcing rods through a window in the procedure on the site. Chemistry building. Four people The man, a concrete mixer truck were in the room at the time. driver who was unloading at the rear Miraculously, no-one was injured. of the vehicle, was hit by the gate Following these incidents, Schal, after a piece of wooden form-work the main contractor, has established a fell from its position at nudged the permanent Quality Manager on site. gate. The piece of form-work (timber A Safety Manager was also appoint- 'A' frames used to set concrete) was ed. In response to the question of in turn dislodged when a crane lifting whether further incidents were still another frame knocked it. possible, Ian Caldwell, Director of An air ambulance and convention- Estates, confidently stated "We al emergency services were called to believe that what is in place should the scene to attend to the injured prevent other problems." man. After treatment on site for his As a direct result of this accident jaw, which was described as changes have been made to safety "smashed", he was taken to hospital. procedures on site. Form-work that is This is the fourth incident this year stacked up in storage will be securely involving one of the cranes on the tied to the A-frame, so it cannot fall. BMS site. Over the summer the larg- Progress on the construction, some of er crane, 61 metres tall and stabilised which is ahead of schedule, should by concrete weighing 100 tonnes, not be hindered by the new rule. turned the wrong way and crashed The injured man state was into the Chemistry building. A sec- described as "stable and recovering" Emergency services in action at the scene of Friday's acci- ond incident involved a large block by College officials, but "would be dent. A worker was seriously injured when the main gate of concrete falling from a substantial drinking soup for a while." struck his jaw. Postgraduate loans scheme introduced

MATHIEU RICHARD agreement is to "encourage postgrad- Research Council studentships and alised postgraduate study. A new postgraduate loan plan is uate study" by offering the students the rare Government's Career Nevertheless, this optimistic view presently being discussed in the form preferential terms for bank loans. Development Loans by complement- was not shared by everyone. The stu- of a collaborative project between Midland Bank will offer loans of up ing public funding for postgraduates. dents themselves, through the voice Midland Bank and a group of 11 to £10,000 for fees and maintenance The latter was severely criticised by of their representing body, the British universities, potentially costs (or £5,000 for one-year cours- Essex Vice-Chancellor Ivor Crewe National Postgraduate Committee, involving the 30,000 postgraduate es) at a rate only 2 percent over their as "inadequate to meet the [present] expressed their doubts as to the real students of York, Durham, Bath, base rate, and repayable for up to research needs of this country... and purpose of this plan and its concrete Essex, Sussex, Exeter, Reading, East seven years after the end of the the future staffing needs of our uni- consequences. Anglia, Surrey and Birbeck College course. versities." Therefore, Mr Crewe wel- Effectively, Midland Bank's prof- in London. This plan will add, to and supplant comed the agreement as "a very pos- itable "marketing exercise", as corn- The official aim of this new type of in many cases, the quasi-nonexistent itive move" towards more gener- continued on page four 2 NEWS FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER General Election to be held over Easter holidays

NEWSTEAM they only secured their tiny majori- vote will be most useful. Their recently surrounded the local Tory Tory MPs from more than a dozen ties in 1992 because the election was leader, Ruth Potter, said "If the party with the deselection of Sir marginal constituencies are believed held on April 9th. On the other hand, Tories go for April, they will have an Nicholas Scott, this remains one of to be swaying John Major's decision some Conservative MPs lost their advantage because students tend to the safest Conservative seats in the over the date of the next General seats in 1992 when students made a vote Labour. But we are working country. Election. These MPs are in con- group decision to vote by post in hard in our campaign." One Tory in Although the effects of students all stituencies which contain a relatively areas such as Bath, York, and a marginal seat commented "It is a voting from home are hard to predict, high percentage of students. They Cambridge. bit of a dated concept that all stu- it seems clear that the election date fear that most students will vote A senior Tory spokesman made dents are left-wing". could prove crucial to the outcome of Labour in the next election, so they the position clear. "If we manage to Unsurprisingly, Kensington and the 1997 General Election. If you feel that it is in the best interests of have not just polling day but also Chelsea is not one of those con- still haven't registered to vote, fill them and their party if the election is most of the campaign during the hol- stituencies said to be at risk from the out one of those "Rock the Vote" held during the Easter vacation, idays, we have increased our chances hotbed of left-wing extremism that is forms or go to http://www.rock- when most students have gone home of holding those seats." With the IC. Despite the turmoil that has thevote.org.uk/mark.htm for the holidays. Many party strate- government majority at the last elec- gists see April 10th as the most like- tion a mere twenty-two, then clearly ly date, and the Prime Minister him- these dozen constituencies were cru- self has said that the Government cial to determining the government may be forced to go to the polls of the country over the last four News in Brief before the pencilled-in date of May years. 1st. Labour strategists are believed to AUT CONDEMN PAY CONSCIOUS COMPUTER The majorities of Tory MPs in be mobilising in preparation for an OFFER A research group headed by seats such as Luton, Coventry, April election, and are campaigning The Association of University Professor Igor Aleksander yesterday Portsmouth, Oxford and Exeter are to persuade students to register to Teachers has condemned the 5% unveiled a new type of computer only a few hundred, and with over vote. Furthermore, a group of more over two years increase in pay they capable of learning and making an ten thousand students in their con- than 6000 Labour students are run- were offered, dismissing it as "total- informed decision given a choice. stituencies they believe that the date ning a campaign to show members ly inadequate." David Triesman, The computer, known as Magnus, of the election could substantially how to use postal votes, so that General Secretary of the AUT, said has been described as the "first con- influence their chances of re-elec- whenever the election is called they "All HE unions were united in reject- scious machine" and is the product tion. Some are already aware that can vote wherever they feel their ing this...Taken as a package this of over six years work. It is even the- offer is actually worse than the last. oretically possible that Magnus Members will be very angry indeed." could one day be taught to walk and This means that the dispute will talk. probably become more disruptive, ARE YOU EASILY with the threat of further strike TOXIC PAINT action. The AUT have expressed A more accurate method for testing pleasure that the employers are for toxic metals in paint has been showing willingness to discuss the developed by Imperial College's matter, but, as Mr Triesman points Centre for Analytical Research in out, "Real negotiations are needed Environment in Berkshire. The new urgently." technique, known as neutron activa- tion analysis, or NAA, will be able to WILSON HOUSE provide a reference against which After months of negotiations paint toxicity can be calculated. between College and St Mary's This technique could have appli- Student Union, College has finally cations in the toy manufacturing agreed to fund part of the cost of industry, where toxicity levels in refurbishing the bar in the paint have to be regulated. Because Recreational Centre at Wilson NAA is highly accurate, the EU are House. The work is expected to be demanding that this system should completed by the start of next term. be used to set the standard. Paint As well as being used as a sport contains cadmium, mercury, barium, centre and an examination hall, the chromium and small amounts of Recreational Centre also stages the arsenic. The upper limits on the annual musical productions by the St quantities of these potentially lethal Mary's Hospital Opera Society and elements must by law be carefully the Medics' Soiree. At the moment, controlled. the bar is only ever opened on such Si; occasions. After the refurbishments, LECTURERS which will include the addition of a A recent national survey of universi- table-tennis table, it is expected to be ty lecturers was published in the used as a place for club meetings and Guardian last week. Among those private study. The Warden, Dr Bryan who took part in the survey, 9% of U Office before Clarke, hopes that residents will lecturers confessed themselves to be make full use of the new facilities to alcoholics, 23% were clinically Thursday to register. justify the investments made by depressed, and 60% expressed a College. desire to leave. FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER NEWS 3 Meningitis concern causes rush on university health services

MATTHEW BENNETT intimate contact, especially kissing, the general population, with freshers of patients who recover from the bac- University health services across as the germs are carried in the nose being seen as particularly vulnerable. terial form of the disease sustain Britain have been inundated with and mouth. In several universities There are three strains of meningi- chronic damage to the nervous sys- calls from concerned students after where outbreaks have occurred, tis, A,B and C, and while there are tem. the spate of meningitis cases centred many social events have been can- vaccines for A & C, there is none Meningitis can be treated with around the University of Wales in celled to stop it spreading. available for the B strain. The vac- antibiotics, if caught early enough. Cardiff spread to other institutions. Students at Cardiff have been issued With two deaths and at least five The symptoms to watch out for are... with antibiotic tablets for use at the confirmed cases from the same hall Fever first appearance of symptoms, which of residence in Cardiff, 770 studens Severe headache can occur two to ten days after infec- were given vaccinations for the C Nausea and vomiting tion. After that, the progress of the strain of menigoccal meningitis bac- Dislike of light disease is very quick, with loss of teria. Stiffness of neck consciousness possible within hours. A 16 year old boy at a Manchester Unfortunately, in viral meningitis these Many of the symptoms are similar to school died from meningitis and a 15 symptoms are mild and may resemble influenza, which has caused a lot of year old girl is seriously ill with the influenza. In bacterial meningitis, the anxiety among the student popula- disease. Students have also died at symptoms develop rapidly, often accompa- tion. Dr Paul Coathup from the Brighton and Bradford. The strain of nied by a red blotchy skin rash followed by University of East Anglia in Norwich the disease at Bradford has not been drowsiness and loss of consciousness with- explained, "We are in the middle of identified, so students there can not in about eight hours. the 'flu season, and as soon as yet be vaccinated. There has been no meningitis hits the headlines every- decision made on whether to vacci- one thinks that they are suffering nate the 18,000 students in Brighton. Further cases have been reported cines are specific to particular from it when really they have 'flu." Both the Manchester and Cardiff at Southampton Institute of Higher strains, and not long lasting. Imperial College Union officials cases were puzzling, as the affected Education, York, Portsmouth and Many cases are not serious, and advised students who were experi- students were not close friends. The Bournemouth universities. Students can go unidentified, but a rare num- encing severe 'flu like symptoms to disease is most often passed on by have a higher rate of infection than ber can be fatal. Twenty-five per cent see their doctor.

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ANDERSEN CONSULTING 4 NEWS FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER Engineering Fears

NEWSTEAM neers." The four year MEng meets The Engineering council has the criteria needed for registration as announced future plans for tougher a chartered engineer. The BEng entry standards for engineering degree course could end up being re- degrees. The report, known as SAR- registered as an Incorporated TOR '96, suggests candidates should Engineering degree, or IEng. The have 24 points or over at A levels to Engineering Council has plans to study for MEng degrees, 18 for promote these courses. A BEng (Hons), and 6 points for a spokesman, Robin Bond, said that BEng. There are 10 points for an A "those gaining IEng will not be seen level grade A, 8 for a B, 6 for a C, as failed chartered engineers. By and so on. having a degree specially for the Several university heads slammed incorporated rank, we are emphasis- this approach as being "elitist" and ing the importance of the practical described it as a threat to the profes- approach to the profession." sion. One pointed out that "there was Vice-Chancellors are concerned very little correlation" between A that a low proportion of institutions level grades of students studying offering engineering courses will be courses and their final degrees. able to ask for candidates to have the i The report recommends "fewer high grades the MEng degrees would and better chartered engineers and require, with some institutions being more and better incorporated engi- forced to drop engineering.

Postgraduate loans i xv lift *»'*k continued from front page out to be a time bomb ready to deto- mittee General Secretary John Gray nate at the end of their three years of phrases it, may well not end up being postgraduate study. In any case, this very profitable to the students. Not plan does not modify the intrinsically tlsliiiSSiiiasK only does this plan elude-the real morose situation of postgraduate problem of Higher Education fund- education. For this plan to be seen as ing, but, apart from one-year voca- a real encouragement, the students tional students for whom this plan would need to be, as Mr Gray puts it, at 1 may come in handy, most suscribing "pretty confident they will get PHOTO: ALDOUS to this plan will find that, despite the straight into a big money job", which The Christmas spirit finally made to some parts of the campus, as a preferential terms, this loan can turn is unlikely to be the case for most. cheery Santa visits the cleaners of the Blackett Laboratory. He's making a list, checking it twice, he's going to find out who's naughty or nice... Welsh student Polys above Oxbridge in citations index aims high

NEWSTEAM in English universities has been received and the number of citations A Welsh student studying at IC has New light has been shed on the shown to be high, with most univer- attained per paper for each field, the declared her ambition to become the "new" versus "old" university debate sities achieving good scores in most latter allowing smaller universities to first person from Wales to go into this week with the publication of or all of the above areas. The quality be compared more equitably with space. Rhian Felstead is studying eight fund-holding council asses- of courses has since been approved larger, more reputable ones. Engineering and French. ment overview reports. by the funding council in all but six Careful examination of the conclu- She has set her sights on travelling Some former polytechnics scored cases. sions drawn shows that Oxbridge to Toulouse, the headquarters of the very highly, while other more estab- Among the consistent top per- research strength is very high, with French Space Agency, for her year lished institutions attained less than formers are the University of Oxford earning a place in the top in Europe. Although Rhian has glowing results. These reports, pub- Northumbria, Queen Mary and three for 17 out of the 21 fields always been interested in the final lished by the Higher Education Westfield College, Sheffield, Hull, included. Cambridge, slighltly lower frontier, her desire to journey into Funding Council for England, cover Warwick, and University College, down the scale from Oxford, came space was recently ignited when she eight subject areas and are a collation London. top in seven fields. met Helen Sharman, the only Briton of the results and recommendations Also issued last week were the Other establishments also fare to have gone into orbit. "The way outlined during the assesment of results of a survey by an American very well. Imperial College top the she talked about what it was like, individual establishments during the based organization regarding the league for citations per paper in both how she felt....I was fascinated." The 95/96 academic year. Each universi- research strengths of British univer- Clinical Medicine and first step toward space, learning to ty and college was awarded a specif- sities. The Institute of Scientific Pharmacology, as well as falling fly, will have to wait until she com- ic number of points in each of the Information, which monitors science within the first three for pletes her degree, as Rhian was not areas: curriculum design, teaching, publications, published their report Mathematics, Ecology/Environment, quite tall enough to enter the College learning and assesment, student pro- on university research which took and Immunology. Imperial also Air Squadron. However, she refuses gression and achievement, learning four years to compile. The ISI dominates the "Total citations" table, to let such a setback block her resources, student support and guid- assessed research in twenty-one being one of the top three universi- progress "Being in space and experi- ance, and quality assurance. areas and ranked institutions accord- ties for seven out of the twenty-one encing it for myself. That's the ulti- The standard of higher education ing to the total number of citations research fields assessed. mate thrill." EXPLORE THE WORLD OF CALCULATED

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NATWEST MARKETS 6 NEWS REVIEW FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER Autumn Term Do you remember... ISSUE 1063 smug in their newly privileged posi- ISSUE 1065 ...When library users had a lucky tion. Sadness over closure of 'excellent' ISSUE 1066 escape as bits of concrete started Smugness radiated elsewhere too Montpellier Hall headed the front At the start of a recurring theme, falling just inches from unsuspecting as Imperial's Boat Club triumphed page story of issue 1065. Clayponds' security came under students. The library was in the mid- again, this time at Henley. In a round Montpellier, the last of College's the spotlight. "A spate of crime at dle of building work that would add up of the summer sport, Felix report- postgrad only halls, has been ear- Clayponds, the College's South two extra storeys and extend the ed an elated rowing team scooping marked for closure in September Ealing residential estate, has been at ground floor. the Grand at Henley for the first time 1997, with the loss of 75 beds. Senior the centre of rising complaints of Just hours before Felix went to in the club's history. academics questioned the decision, 'inadequate' security at the site" press, a four ton lump of concrete fell voicing concern over the priority of began the article, pointing out that from the ceiling of the walkway just ISSUE 1064 postgraduate accommodation. the current rate of one theft every ten outside the library entrance. Nearby The University of London Union's The decision to close the Hall was days was quite appalling. After an workmen observed that "it would year got off to a bad start as they taken by College's Management initial spat over figures, with some definitely have killed anyone under- lost one of their sabbatical officers Planning Group, in view that it could College authorities claiming that neath it." Mr Ian Gillet confirmed before term even started. Claire not really postponed much longer. there had been no break-ins for four that nobody had been injured but ner- Lawrie, a former LSE student who The Hall faces a renovation bill of weeks, the debate, carried out in the vously joked that someone had "felt a held the position of Deputy President £600,000. Not everyone was happy medium of Felix's letters page began draught down the back of his neck as for Finance and Services for approx- with the closure, however. Dr to centre on the proposed security it fell." imately one month before resigning Richard Clark, warden of the Hall, measures. The incident prompted an investi- due to "family problems." "expressed sadness" at the decision, Students wanted deadlocks, the gation into safety on the various con- The ULU President, Sarah White, at that it would be "a great loss." College said that it couldn't afford struction projects around campus but sometime President of ICU, assured them without upping the rents. The unfortunately was not the last to members of the Union that "... the students wanted deadlocks, as rec- befall work on the campus. service that we provide has not been ommended by local crime prevention affected." However, the ULU stall at officers. The College installed a ICU's Freshers' Fair seemed to be "man and his dog", who stayed, in somewhat disorganised, with Ms the main, in his van. The students White scurrying around due to a late wanted deadlocks and bars, "We delivery. wouldn't mind it looking like Meanwhile, back at ULU central, Alcatraz if we got to keep our stuff." the papers went up for nominations said one. The College installed some for the sabbatical post. By the close carpets instead, at cost of £163,170 of nominations, only two people (including VAT) and sent round a On a brighter note for construction were fully seconded, Nick Dearden, questionnaire. The survey revealed work, the Union saw the transfor- an MSc student from LSE, and Ben Back to the antics at ULU, the that the students were not prepared to mation of its Ents Lounge into the Hughes from Royal Holloway. Mr election for the vacant Finance and pay extra rent for extra security. glittering spectacle of dBs, the culmi- Dearden turned up at ICU to advise Services sabbatical took place. Nick Another theme that kept popping nation of two years of strategic plan- our sabbaticals which way to vote, a Dearden, favourite of the previous up during the term, again connected ning. The £0.1 million project clear breach of ULU election rules. incumbent, won convincingly despite to money, was the threat by the designed by the College's CAD Naughty boy. worries over a pre-campaign inter- Association of University Teachers Office just made its building sched- Closer to home, the Royal view he gave to Felix the previous and other higher education unions ule in time for the grand opening. Geographical Society unknowingly week. The interview went against to strike over their 1.5% pay offer. Events and Marketing Manager hosted a stripper at the City and ULU electoral regulations, but, luck- At this stage, the unions were ballot- Mark Home, commented that the old Guilds Union's freshers' reception. ily for Mr Dearden, the Elections ing their members, but the result was Ents Lounge had been like "a sixth The stage show, organised as a sim- Committee chose not to prohibit his widely predicted to be a form disco" and looked forward to ple publicity stunt by the C&GU, nomination. unanaminous 'yes', which would getting the crowds in. A term's worth barely raised a murmur around The "casual ballistics" of a herald the "first wide scale industrial of usage seems to have bome out stu- College, though one of the College drunken Southside guest were con- action in HE for ten years." David dents' initial impressions that it was a Tutors, Dr Gareth Jones, commented sidered lucky not to have injured Treisman, General Secretary of the significant improvement on the old that he was "very disturbed to hear someone after one a "friend-of-a- AUT summed up the employees feel- "dark blue box,"wifh the room being that it happened." friend" of a Southside resident threw ings "All groups in the public sector packed most lunchtimes and on ents The RGS were less than amused, a full can of beer off the roof of the have had to deal with an effective pay nights. and threatened never to allow anoth- Hall. The can arched gracefully into freeze over the last two or three The entertainment front was also er Union event on their premises. the lounge window of a mews house years, but university staff have been given the boost by the news that ICU President Eric Allsop suggested behind the Hall. The resident was not outting up with one for fifteen." Imperial College Union was one of to Guilds that it probably wasn't such pleased, and somewhat shocked, but The NUS immediately pledged to the few in the country to serve a good idea but conceded "that how still magnaminously conceded that support any strike, whereas ICU Guinness after NUS Services Ltd, they present themselves to the stu- "we were all students once." The were slightly more reserved in their the group that supplies all NUS affil- dent body is ultimately their deci- Southside student was not quite so support. "The AUT have a perfectly iated unions, fell out with the compa- sion." lucky and faced a disciplinary valid protest, and so we'd like to ny. Regulars in the Union Bar looked Residences Tribunal. back them on this issue. However, FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER NEWS REVIEW 7

...it may mean top-up fees as an alter- sive. A spokeswoman for MAFF selves just beyond the jurisdictional Cambridge of Imperial's University native funding source" said Eric stated that the Government handling boundaries. A statement from King's Challenge team. After last year's Allsop. of the affair was not at fault. The College Union read "We find it glorious victory, much was expected European Parliament disagreed and important to protect our students of the four team members. However, ISSUE 1067 extended their investigation in to the form fundamentalism, especially the with presenter leremy Paxman urg- A blast from the past for most on the British Government's handling of the religious type. King's has had prob- ing them on (the fact that St Cats is South Kensington site as medical BSE crisis. Elsewhere in the EU, lems with such groups of all faiths in Paxman's alma mater didn't escape students expressed their anger at beef curtains remained firmly shut. the past." The Mirror's TV critic), the gallant College's plans for their new cur- On a lighter note, the sandwich foursome fell on the last question. riculum at a specially arranged forum ISSUE 1068 makers of the College catering All was not lost, though, they still with College academics.In particular, In a much abridged Com- department came into focus, or more went through to the next round as the Dr Rory Shaw, the senior academic memoration Ceremony, a bold Sir precisely, their valuing of their own highest scoring losers. in charge of the new course, came in Ronald Oxburgh told graduands his work. Following complaints about for criticism from the students. fears that "the quality of education the price of sandwiches, Felix decid- Other topics under discussion was being threatened" by the cuts in ed to investigate... And found that, included accommodation, where the higher education funding, he went on while the cost of the materials for medics were assured by Ian to highlight the College's achieve- producing a simple sandwich Caldwell, College's Director of ments and the boat Clubs victory at amounted to about 20p, the prices Estates, that "any promise made in Henley in particular, suggesting that varied between those of the College the prospectus would be fully abided anyone who could help financially in canteens, those of local shops and by", and sporting facilities for the building the new boathouse should Harrods. The College blamed over- medics. It was announced by Eric not "hesitate to let me know." heads for their higher priced product. Allsop that St Mary's sports clubs Medical students reared their The students, and staff, were unim- would no longer have their own team heads again with new uproar at room pressed. sin the BUSA championships, to allocation in Wilson House, a previ- much derision by the assembled ously medics only hall. The residents ISSUE 1069 In a sudden announcement, Sir crowd. claimed that non medical students The question in everybody's mind Nicholas Scott, MP for Kensington As expected, the social space in had been given places in preference was whether or not the vote by high- & Chelsea, was told that he would the new Bio-medical Science build- to medical student in spite of an er education workers of all levels to be replaced by his constituency party ing came up for an airing. In response assurance that the homeless medics strike would actually mean IC get- as the candidate in the next election. to demands that the College respect in question would be given places. ting pickets on the gates and a total The executive of the Kensington & the medics "closely-knit social struc- The Warden of the hall, Bryan shut down. Despite claims that the Chelsea Conservative Party decided ture," Mr Caldwell countered that Clarke, told Felix that "some of the vote was "the first time in history... to drop Sir Nicholas as their candi- "the College is keen to promote inte- rooms had become available for a that everyone from 'porter to profes- date after he was found drunk face gration, and there is no reason why short period because some of the res- sor' are going to close university down in a gutter at the Tory party there should be a separate medical idents had travelled abroad on place- gate" the vote was far from conference. In response, Sir Nicholas body." ment." He pointed out that no med- unaminous. Three of the trades threatened to resign, thus putting the ical students had applied for the unions in the higher education con- Government's fragile majority in places when they were advertised. sortium voting on industrial action jeopardy. He called for a full meeting Student representatives disagreed, only made the majority required for of the constituency party to which he saying that the spare rooms should action by 2%. However, Bryan would put his case. The electorate have been foreseen, and the dis- Wilson, President of the Imperial carried on as normal. placed students had now found alter- College branch of the AUT, pointed nate accommodation and thus didn't out that the turnout of 59% was high- ISSUE 1070 apply for the rooms. They suggested er than the average turnout at General In the event, the miserable and that this was "a well orchestrated Elections of 50%. This, he said, was appalling weather discouraged most move by the College to start intro- a "reflection of the anger" felt by people from coming into College on ducing non-medics into Wilson staff at "paltry pay rises." the day, but striking staff were House," and went against the grain of Pro-Rector Alan Swanson com- manning the picket from an early an earlier promise to keep the hall mented that he would be "surprised if hour. Imperial College was not the solely for pre-clinical students after Medical matters of a different kind the Government turned in their worst hit HE institution by a long 1998. were also reported as it was tracks" as result of the strike, but way, but even here the strike had announced that researchers at Extremism of a different kind cast speculated that the strike would be some effect. Five departments were Imperial College School of Medicine a shadow over London as reports of fairly solid among technical staff. closed entirely, and several others at St Mary's discovered a new link active fundamentalist Islamic Although this would mean the shut had a 'reduced service'. between Bovine Spongiform groups rose after a summer lull. down of many labs, he left it to The strikers were in a bullish Encephalopathy and Creutzfeld- King's College seemed to attract Heads of Department to advise to mood. "The whole of HE is screwed Jacob Disease. The Ministry of more than its fair share of attention as students whether to turn up or not. said one picketer of the proposed Agriculture, Fisheries and Food still leafleteers taunted College and One definite downer was the Government cuts. Students came in denied that the results were conclu- Union authorities by placing them- defeat by St Catherine's College, for some minor criticism from some News Review 8 NEWS REVIEW FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER Autumn Term

strikers, with complaints of a lack of somewhat less fit competitor was simply annoyed with the financial support being the strongest gripe. picked up by the Police. Luckily for incompetence of club treasurers, and Bryan Wilson of the AUT said that him, they were in a nice mood and after two years in the job already they were "leaning over backward escorted him back to the Union under his belt, decided to resign. not to affect students to much," but building to find some clothes. After RCSU President, Mo Dulloo, agreed had felt that they had received little reassuring their superior that it was that there were some people who support in return. just a student stunt, one commented were "clueless" about financial poli- "women and children don't want to cy. see naked overweight blokes on the streets." Rag Chair Andy Southern ISSUE 1072 counted this year's event to be a suc- More doom and gloom in the air for cess. students with the news that the fatal A secret pet was discovered in brain disease meningitis had Selkirk Hall after one re-app found Dealing's report. claimed two students at Cardiff himself sharing his morning shower Another success story on the sport- University. Five others were still with a swarm of crickets. Not that ing front also with strong Imperial 'under observation' but were gener- somewhere there was a resident that College involvement was the victo- ally though to be OK. It was revealed kept crickets. No. Selkirk Hall was ry at the United Kingdom that the hall that the students lived host to a tarantula spider, and the Championships of the ULU Karate had had a case of bacterial meningitis crickets were just its food! Team. The team comprised two cur- five weeks earlier. The President of The BMS construction work fell The culprit was soon apprehended, rent IC student, a former IC student Cardiff Student's Union, Dot Hodge, into the news again with the comple- and the Hall fumigated. The resident and a medic from University College said the two deaths had been trau- tion of the safety review commis- was given 48 hours to get rid of the Hospital. They beat teams from matic. "Most students of this age are sioned after part of the library roof spider. The homeless arachnid was Manchester, Aberystwyth and not used to dealing with this sort of nearly killed someone. A permanent last seen advertised on a notice board Liverpool on their way to the title. grief. Our priority is to do everything Quality Manager was installed on in the Chemistry Department. A week after Lord Sherfield, a for- that we can to help them cope. site by the main Contractors, Schal, mer Rector of the College died, Medics in the news again as the and the College Safety ISSUE 1071 Nobel Laureate and Imperial College security at Wilson House became a Representative, Ian Gillet, was to The Budget finally arrived and was a Professor Abdus Salam passed away hot issue. Four residents of the house tour the site weekly. The Quality bit of a non-event really. Higher at the aged of 70. A leading light in were disciplined under a new rule Manager would review the project Education got an extra £200 million, theoretical physics, Professor Salam, that fines anyone who opened the over a month and report on his rec- science an extra £20 million. The also played a major role in many front door to people with out access ommendations, as well as keep an AUT claimed that their campaigning international organisations, including cards. The fines of £10 each were eye on the day to day running of the had reduced the expected cut from the Third World Academy of Science imposed by the porter after he caught construction. However, concerns 3% to a mere 0.5% in real terms. and as scientific advisor to the United the students holding the door open were not all smoothed, with one stu- Rodney Eastwood, College's Nations Educational and Cultural for their friends. Bryan Clarke dent commenting "I still check the Director of Planning, said that the Organisation. defended the fines by saying "A rule roof just outside the library just extra funding did not reverse last Autumn saw a mid-term trough for is a rule. It has to be all or nothing for before I go in." year's deep cuts, but it was still too the Royal College of Science Union it to work." Sami Ansari, President of Rag inflicted the local populace early to say what affect the Budget as two of its officers resigned. Both St Mary's Student's Union described with their brand of humour in their would have on Imperial College. the Senior and Junior Honorary the move as the "gun-ho approach to annual Sponsored Nude Kamikaze Following the strike action two Treasurers submitted their resigna- policy typical of IC bureaucrats." Parachute Jump Rag event. Eight week's earlier, HE staff were prepar- tions in a bad week for the RCSU. Finally, the long running saga of lucky and plucky souls gathered in a ing to boycott teaching quality Senior Treasurer Ann Mitchell, was Sir Nicholas Scott came to a head. minibus outside Harrods to see who assessments as the next stage of their forced to resign due to a technicality At a meeting of the full constituency would be the last one back to the protest. David Treisman, of the AUT, in the Union's rules - the HST has to party he was deselected by 509 votes Union in a nude running contest. It's described the Budget as "a change in be a permanent member of staff, and to 439, despite a last minute appeal all for charity mind, and the event the step of decline" of HE funding Dr Mitchell had recently been moved and the backing of a hundred fellow always raises a lot of interest. but stated that essentially, they were on to a short term contract. The HJT, MPs. Sir Nicholas backpedalled on This year was no exception as a pinning their hopes on Sir Ron Chris Bragg, on the other hand was his threat to resign if deselected. News Review ...do you remember now? FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER CHRISTMAS TELEVISION PREVIEW 9

?Mli0^90

That man on the other page, Simon Baker, takes us through his choice pickings of Christmas televisual 'entertainment'

Ah, you thought my eclectic views Monday before has the brilliant My and Louise (BBCI, 3th, 10:20pm), As the more astute of you may have were confined to politics and tm;Fl- Left Foot (C4, 10:05pm), the sole Die Hard (ITV, New Year's Day, gleaned irom my column, I am a bit ing projects. Mais turn, for herehighligh i t of the day, but Christmas 9:00pm), ET (BBC1, New Year's of a traditionalist. You would think shall present to you, dear reader, my Eve does better with Cliffhangcr Day, 6:10pm), The Birds (BBCI, less of me if I did: not mention the top tips for the perfect televisual (BBCI, 9:00pm), the old faithful Christmas Eve, 12:50am), The Queen's message at 3pm (BBCI, Crimbo. And, as they say, what a Top Gun (1TV, 9:45pm), Blazing Graduate (BBCI, Boxing Day, don't watch it on ITV, it's simply not Christmas line-up it is too. In all hon- Saddles (BBC2,10:00pm) and Drop 12:05am), Grease (BBCI, 27th. the done thing, children) and The esty, this i:; the'best for many yeses, Dead Fred (C4, 6:45pm). I'm sorry, 2:55pm), Raiders of the Lost Ark Morecanibe and Wise Christmas partly because someone c in d> << the last one is a terrible error, Vic - (BBCI, 22nd, 8:00pm) and Show (BBC 1, Christmas Day, JTV that there ::i sonift quaiia eek my nuclear strength Nurofen have Shadowlands (BBCI, New Year's 10:55pm), without which Britain is brahon at (lie end of December, a fact just kicked in. Eve, so video, 8:00pm). There are merely an outcrop of land northwest oriiitrcc from their diaries last, year Bond fans are not to be disappoint- also a couple of Carry on films of Europet Aficionados of quality ed; Never Say Never Again (BBCI, (Girls , Matron and Cowboy) and a television from the good old days Starting with films, it's hard lo know Boxing Day, 1:50pm) and, slightly few from-TV movies, normally, not (why did wc make so many quality where to begin. As you grohably underrated, The Living Daylights to be touched with a barge pole, but sitcoms at a time when the country know by now, Jurassic Park KlfV, 29th, 8:00pm). As well as Porridge (BBCI, New Year's Day, was down the pan and half way (BBCi, The B.emtim Clouscau, Peter Sellers gets a bit of a 2.00pm) is just about the exception to round the U bendf?) are in for a real of the Day iTVi 10:00pm) are the season this Christmas, with three of the rule. treat this year. big h lie ' ,. his other films- The Battle of the unusually has the largest number of Sexes (C4, Christmas Day, 6:50pm), "Normal" output has not been must-sees , including The Wizard of the brilliant send-up of trade union- neglected this year, with the BBC the Oz (BBCI, 11:20am), Revenge of ism I'm All Right Jack (C4, New clear winner as it has been since the the Pink Panther (BBC 1, midnighl) Year's Day, 5:05pm) and the incom- dawn of time. Christmas specials are and Casablanca (BBC2, 3:10pm) ii parable Dr Strangelove (C4, 2nd, in abundance, the best being They you haven't seen the latter and tail to 12:25am). Incidentally, The Man Think It's all Over (BBCI, 23rd, watch it this year, I shall personally with two Brains (C4, 27th, 10.00pm), Father Ted (C4, send the boys round to ask why. The 10:00pm), which always, bi/.arrely, Christmas Eve, 10:00pm), One Foot reminds me of Dr Strangelovc is well in the Grave (BBCI, Boxing Day. worth a look. 9:00pm), The Brittas Empire (BBCI, Christmas Eve, 6:30pm),

Diehard Felix readers will remember The Fast Show (BBC2, 27th, last Christmas when 1 waxed lyrical 9:40pm) and Shooting Stars (BBC2, about The Italian Job. This is with- 27th, (9:00pm). First and foremost out doubt on of the funniest caper however, is the three-part Only films ever made, completely timeless Fools and Horses special (BBCI, and beautifully cast with Michael starting Christmas Day, 9:00pm), Caine opposite the redoubtable Noel which may, apparently, be their last, Coward. If I feared that it wasn't on although Del Boy has had more this year, not being in its regular retirements than Frank Sinatra. It Christmas Eve slot, but am delighted should certainly be the highlight of to say that it is on Boxing Day Auntie's schedule, and alone con- (BBC2, 4.25pm). What's more, The stitutes more watchablc comedy than Inrrocc p'ilo ^RRn IKth I dn-jm"! NEWS FEATURE 10 NEWS FEATURE FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER 11

At the dawn of 1997, is there any goodwill between the women and men of Imperial? Afua Osei investigates the state of affairs between the Sexes (opposite page), and explores the IC man's sporting talent (this page).

Imperial College Male:Female Public Relations A rower or a rugby player - who would you like to unwrap? Out on the streets that constitute Imperial College's campus, the wild groups of predatory men and women stalk one another. But, trapped and with opinions Many women are absolutely fascinated and completely hooked on rugby squirmed out of them, what do the les hommes et lesfemmes of IC think of each other? and rowing. The sheer athleticism and highly physical nature of these sports have most definitely prolonged this fascination. The boistrous men seem to think that Imperial women are far too studious. A common jibe is that many good-looking women are too prudish, extremely The rugby teams have the physical consistency of a Reubens nude paint- arrogant and unapproachable. ing. The rowers clearly have the bodies of some of Michealangelo's most But arc these men just intimidated by the powers of female intellect and sexuality? interesting paintings; due to their well honed bods, long lithe legs and great teeth. They arc simply Britain's answer to the surfer-beach boy. In short the Perhaps not; others responded more positively: rowers arc certainly "pretty boys." Meanwhile, the rugby team are not a pretty sight - this is probably due to "There arc a lot of foreign women at Imperial, and they have a great sense of style" the excessive consumption of Union curries and barrels of beer. Regardless of this fact the rugby boys have cheeky, great, big walloping thighs and a 'They are very tasty and I could eat them all" personality overload. Hence a photographer and 1 went to watch the IC One response which provoked great hilarity was this gem: "Imperial College should pass a resolution banning women from having any morals or any rugby firsts play St Georges medics last Wednesday. I had expected the IC boyfriends. This is to enable IC women to adequately satisfy the huge male population" When asked about emotions and feelings, this IC man proclaimed that rugger boys to be beer-bellied misogynist Neanderthals who would sooner "You can feel for them on the night" A rubber blow-up doll was suggested as another solution to his problem, but the interviewee insisted that he already had eat a female journo than speak to her. Instead they were human and almost one! Elsewhere, another extremely lonely and frustrated man whined that he was unable to find anyone at IC with "A massive chest and long legs." In this gentlemanly. instance a pair of melons from Sainsburys would probably better suit this gentleman, because he obviously feels more comfortable with inanimate objects, rather than females of the human species! The weatherj#as bitingly cold and the playing field was a potential swamp. The match was simply watching thirty men ifdulge in roujjji, f&'tindjp On the other side of the gender divide, the disappointed women felt that IC men are, in summary: terone driven wrestling and running; it was great ! By the end of the game I 1 had developed an acute understanding of the rugby psyche. Basically they Lf f\g J I 4 *» I ? v3M »| 0 v* I ^ \) m . JL play a grimy, dirty and sometimes painfull) physical game; this explains Sad and scrawny why their social life is grimy, dirty, and joyfully physical. The sordid rugby "sex anthems" reflect the kind of attitude needed for such a gruelling game. "Nerdy and hideous" In reality the IC men's rugby team admitted to worshipping at the alter of the IC Virgins (women's rugby team), and were serious exponents of "Similar to an array of volcanic pimples" women's rugby. Originally I had intended to literally investigate the IC male sporting talent by And to seal the evolutionary death knell for the Imperial College man, a female Cambridge student visiting our union happily guaranteed that the male talent getting good shots of them in the showers; with as one rugby player politely was better back there. said "tinsel around their todgers." The rowers were extremely enthusiastic, Despite these reactions, it seems that underneath all the bluff, Imperial men and women have a huge adoration and appreciation of each other, which they will about flaunting themselves to satisfy the female population, but due to the only confess to when gently coaxed. It also seems unbelievable that Imperial women feel that there are no decent men. Is it possible that they are being over rowing boys' timing being Off last week, we were unable to liase with them selective...? on the photographic front. We did take some shots of the rugby players in the Eitherway, after scouting the imperial campus for seven hours - we have found a sea of gorgeous kissable men for your mistletoe. They're out there some- showers but unfortunately the camera lenses steamed up. Although do not where, happy hunting! despair, if there is sufficient demand I will most definitely pursue this assign- ment.

To help you decide who to unwrap on Christmas morning, the cream of IC's sporting talent have kindly given us a few words of wisdom:

The rowing boys insist that they arc fit, last forever, and have impressively large protruding organs, while the rugby team state that the rowers "can't get it up after two pints" and are too tall to fit under the mistletoe. Hmm, tricky one. You decide. 12 COLUMNS FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER jgfe Westminster Eye - Hamish Common Wujiy iijybij ij This time it's my with the Committee investigating Willetts had sought to influence the around him. It seems the Standards I local MP that's in Hamilton. ".. .[The committee chair- outcome of thc Interests and Privileges Committee were not W ' p.; thc hot water. man] is now expecting to receive a Committee's decision on Hamilton, immune to this. The committee had David Willetts, MP for Havant, has formal complaint about Hamilton on the evidence of the hand-written just been created after thc Nolan resigned as Paymaster-General amid receiving money etc. He could (i) note and Willctts' economy with thc report, and it felt that the public's more sleaze and intrigue, with pre- argue now sub judice and get [the] truth. It assumed that the note was an faith in thc parliamentary process dictable reactions: Labour's Deputy committee to set it aside; or (ii) accurate record of thc conversation, would only be maintained if it Leader, John Prcscott, along with. investigate as quickly as possible, that Sir Geoffrey should not have accomplished its duties with unanim- Lynne Armstrong, Labour's prospec- exploiting good Tory majority at been talking to him, and that Willetts ity and force. It consisted of a hotch- tive parliamentary candidate for | once]" Willetts freely concedes that lied before the committee. Such a potch of embittered Tories and Havant would even like him to resign this was a poor example a whip's damning indictment in these times Labour MPs intent on party political and fight a by-election! Thc note, containing to much of what he could only lead to Willetts' resigna- advantage. It had already leaked Guardian jumped on the sleaze band- thought and too little of what he said. tion, which he did with a speed and information, and especially in the wagon with gusto, devoting as much As a junior whip he would have been grace which improves his chances of closing stages of the proceedings it space to a character assassination of trying to impress his seniors by re-appearing on the front benches at seemed to be driven by partisan con- Mr Willctts as it did to Dunblane thc dramatising accounts of conversa- some stage in the future. siderations. The most obvious case of day after thc massacre . tions. The new Committee on this was Quentin Davies, a talented Standards and Privileges decided that Most politicians agree that Willetts Tory MP who has never had the thc evidence he gave to thc previous Thc background to this sorry state was brought to book less for what he appointments or publicity that committee was inconsistent in its lies with the relationship between did than that he was a victim of his Willetts had. His scorching cross- own right and with Sir Geoffrey Neil Hamilton and Ian Greer. own naivete. He was made a whip examination shocked many Tories, Johnson Smith, thc previous commit- Hamilton, a former minister, has after a short time in the Commons and his scrutiny of the text on a two- tee chairman. "We cannot accept been accused of several parliamen- because although his ability was year old quickly-written note was much of thc memorandum submitted tary crimes, including payments for obvious, he needed some exposure to unprecedented. by Mr Willetts, nor much of his oral asking questions in the House, dodgy the rougher aspects of political horse- evidence, as being accurate. ...We arc stays in thc Ritz and murky dealings play. His previous career had consist- It is saddening that a career built built very concerned that any Member with a lobbyist. To cap it all, he pro- ed of time in the Number 10 Policy up over many years has fallen victim should dissemble in his account to ceeded to sue the Guardian for libel, Unit, and then as head of the Centre to the jaundiced mood of the the committee and believe this and mysteriously dropped the case for Political Studies. With such a Commons today, but Mr Willctts response has substantially aggravat- thc day before thc trial began. Into background and intelligence (he was may be one of thc few former minis- ed the original offence. We have this delightful scenario stepped known as Two-Brains) it was natural ters who could be in a position to sal- decided that in any future investiga- David Willetts, who was a junior he would undergo rapid promotion. tion of matters of privilege or of vage his career. The Committee on whip when the now defunct After four years in Parliament, he complaints about the conduct of Standards and Privileges has passed Commons Committee on Members' was the first of his intake to become its first test in the public eye, and it Members, it will be our normal prac- a Minister of State. Such a career Interests was investigating Neil seems the Tories have forgiven Mr tice to take evidence on oath." path attracted jealousy from his col- Hamilton. The only evidence against Willetts for his indiscretions. How Willetts was a hand-written memo to leagues, and there were few tears long it will take them to forgive Mr the Chief Whip about what to do shed when thc whiff of scandal rose Thc committee concluded that Davies is unclear.

The Weekly Poem by PoetIC

Leaf Relief

Following a gentle arc, The river-path among trees Whose shimmering leaves and dappled bark Put my restless mind at ease.

The all absorbing masquerade, Of London's dark and guarded blot Is held worthless in this leafy shade Where my city life is soon forgot.

So when I walk with unbalanced gait And there's chaos in my personal space, I saunter here to put things straight Don't forget to pick up some of the And let the real world touch my face.

great Christmas giveaways in this by Nick Reeve, October 96

week's issue of Something for the PoetIC is the creative writing society of Imperial College, for more details of our meeting times contact Keith McNulty on ext 58610 or via Weekend. k.mcnulty @ ic.ac.uk all you want for Christmas is... Christmas Carnival with live music from QCD© ®©dJ bandicoot roorn i room 2 room 3 room J funk, swing, house, i LIVE MUSIC 5? immUllB itiLL OUT Mi PLUS 9 colour laser SODUB SYSTEM mr mrs Santa's grotto IP TART! fxill grotto decor, carol singers, pressies for all fri dec 20th 9-3 *27l STA TRAVEL SUPPORT!O BY STA TRAVEL. IMPERIAL COtlFBe TEl: 0171 58 T a £6/£5 entscards

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IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION £3/£3.50 14 COLUMNS FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER A week last Friday, at lunchtime, ing the crane driver. Half way under the Library is an inherently risky morons between Police Intelligence j someone suggested that it was time it, the workman shouted "Get Back", business, and safety is all about man- and Belgian Culture. Step forward! my photo was changed. I agreed, shortly after which there was a loud aging that risk. If however, the pro- Phil Hilton You are, presumably,} thinking that the Schal hat was more bang on top of the scaffold walkway ject had to conform to some of the handsomely rewarded for looking! relevant to last year's Felix, when such that it visibly moved. Once they crackpot health and safety regula- after the motley crew of tradesmen! scarcely a week went by without were given the all clear and had tions that I as a chemist follow, I on the site, a task, which on the basis! some disaster engulfing Campus walked under it the workmen laugh- doubt very much if they would get of recent evidence, is one that clearly! Renaissance. This year by compari- ingly remarked beyond the foun- warrants a bit more of your precious! son, things have been going pretty that "I've saved Simon Baker dations. Sloppy time, for sake of argument, another! well, with the BMS a mere three your life. You safety, like most five days a week. You are however in! weeks behind schedule and rising could have been working practices, the fortunate position that your like the clappers. And then Friday killed." This is can inevitably Christmas bonus is not set by me, afternoon's incident occurred, the absolutely scan- traced to equally otherwise it would be the Salvation details of which you will have seen dalous. If possible bad management. Army soup kitchen for you on the elsewhere. Thankfully not as serious the worker respon- At this point, dear 25th. as it might have been, the contractor sible should be reader, you would concerned nevertheless received found and expect to lay into Not been a particularly good couple nasty injuries from which we all removed from the my esteemed of weeks for the Conservatives. I'll hope he will make a speedy recovery. site permanently. friend Ian rephrase that, it's been apocalyptical- What is particularly worrying is the Such a cavalier Caldwell. Not so, ly bad, but, eternal optimist that I am, fact that this occurred barely a month attitude will result because it's not his I always knew it would improve. after an independent safety review in people both stu- fault. In fact, I On the eve of the Barnsley by- and the appointment of a Quality dent and contrac- understand that he election I saw that my friends the Manager. The banal response that tors alike being is apparently as fed charming Spice Girls decided to accidents do happen on construction seriously injured. up with the lip ser- enter the great political debate. It sites is no excuse, particularly when It gives me no vice that Schal are soon emerged that not only are they procedures are supposed to have pleasure to say paying to safety as Conservatives and Eurosceptic, they been reviewed and tightened up. that the way things the rest of us and are Thatcherites, proclaiming Lady T three cheers to the first Spice Girl. I am in love. are going some \1 r\[r* f)f RpflCnn that. The blame It gets worse. The following Monday one will be killed VU 1CC UL RCUaUU Blair, old son, you didn't make a bad for this catalogue of accidents and evening, a couple of chemists. They before this project is over, at which fist of it, you almost looked slightly, management cockups fall squarely at were leaving the department by the point the excrement will hit the rotat- possibly credible at times (nah!), but the feet of the Schal Project door next to the site over which there ing machinery with some force. I you've had it now. Management Team, a title that sits on is scaffolding, ushered through by acknowledge that putting up large the list of the world's greatest oxy- Call it a day, we've won thej one of the workmen, who was direct- buildings like the BMS and altering General Election.

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THE CYCLE CODING COMPUTER A NEW COMPUTER DATABASE IS BEING ESTABLISHED TO HOLD CYCLE CODING INFORMATION. STUDENTS WITH CODED CYCLES MAY WISH TO REGISTER THEIR ELTX CODING WITH SECURITY TO HELP PROTECT THEIR est F BICYCLE FORM THEFT. Student Newspaper of Imperial College ALL SUBSEQUENT CYCLE CODINGS WILL BE REGIS- Editor Alex Feakes / Advertising Manager Mark Baker TERED ON THE DATABASE. Reports suggesting that top Tory Closer to the campus, the Rock the MPs are pushing for an Easter Vote wagon has slowly been lurch- General Election highlight one of the ing around London, even pausing to few occasions that our legislators pick up a few completed voter regis- FLYING SCHOLARSHIPS FOR DISABLED minds turn to that large segment of tration cards from our own JCR. But the voting public, students. Not, as PEOPLE an even better wheeze has been you might think, in an attempt to dreamt up by some publicity wag - woo their vote, but rather in a des- THE ROYAL INTERNATIONAL AIR TATTOO FLYING the Spice Girls are to stand for the perate scramble to foist these poten- SCHOLARSHIPS FOR DISABLED PEOPLE (FSD) IS INVIT- soon to be vacant seat of Kensington tially anti-conservative electors off ING APPLICATIONS FOR ITS 1997 SCHOLARSHIPS. & Chelsea, or so reports last week's on some safer MP and away from CANDIDATES MUST BE AGED OVER 17, REGISTRABLE Sun. This would, no doubt, cause a their own fragile majorities. The the- bit of surge in the turnout for this AS DISABLED AND A UK RESIDENT. AFTER FINAL ory is that around Easter, when most constituency as students rushed to SELECTION AT RAF CRANWELL THE TEN SUCCESSFUL students are on vacation and no cast their votes for their favourite CANDIDATES WILL TAKE PART IN AN ALL-EXPENSES longer concentrated in large num- brand of Spice. Just think - with the PAID SIX-WEEK PILOT TRAINING COURSE WITH EPPS bers, the effects of their supposedly glamourous pouting fivesome on on AVIATION OF ATLANTA, GEORGIA. HERE THEY WILL BE left-wing vote will be diluted and the podium with the spectacled and KEPT BUSY FROM DAWN TO DUSK WITH 40 HOURS OF Conservative MPs with a small suited, for some the the choice would DUAL AND SOLO FLYING IN A PIPER CHEROKEE, 36 majority will be saved from defeat. already be made. But don't forget HOURS OF CLASSROOM WORK AND A FURTHER 10 how broad their appeal could be; HOURS OF DEBRIEFING WITH INSTRUCTORS. I bet students have never realised that they instill such fear in MPs with the Girls claiming Mrs Thatcher as one of their heroines, they might FOR INFORMATION AND AN APPLICATION FORM CON- beyond that which a great unwashed just appeal to that other group whose TACT MARTIN ABBOTT, FSD PRINCIPAL, THE ROYAL mob generates when they threaten a vote certain a Tory MP cannot INTERNATIONAL AIR TATTOO FLYING SCHOLARSHIPS, prim toff. However, it is a shame that depend upon - the Kensington & BUILDING 15, RAF FAIRFORD, GLOUCESTERSHIRE GL7 the effect of most students will be, if you excuse the pun, marginal on the Chelsea Conservative Party. Sir 4DL. TEL: 01285 713300. FAX 01285 713268. fates of MPs sitting on small majori- Nicholas, not being adverse to a bit APPLICATIONS MUST BE RECEIVED BY 31 DECEMBER ties. Unless, of course, large groups of 'spice' himself, would be grinning 1996. of students choose to use postal their all the way to the ballot box. vote all in one constituency as the Lastly, it has come to my attention NUS is pushing for. I must say that that a bizarre global celebration is MEDITERRANEAN NIGHT RAFFLE this sounds faintly undemocratic, but coming up. In keeping with this tra- the thought of MPs cowering before dition, I would like to wish you all a THE MEDITERRANEAN NIGHT RAFFLE OF 6TH DECEM- a few students is quite amusing. happy and prosperous New Year! BER WAS WON BY TICKET NUMBERS 165 AND 225. THE WINNERS SHOULD COLLECT THEIR STA TRAVEL Produced for and on behalf of Imperial College Union Publications Board. VOUCHERS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE FROM MARIO Printed by Imperial College Union Print Unit, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, CABODI, PHYSICS IV. MARIO IS CONTACTABLE ON London SW7 2BB. Telephone: 0171 594 8071 [email protected] Copyright Felixl996. Telephone/fax: 0171 594 8072. ISSN 1040-0711

NEWS: MARIA AND JACKIE; FEATURES: AFUA, PUZZLES: DUNCAN; Letters may be edited for length.The guest editor's opinions ILLUSTRATIONS: STAVROS; GRAPHICS AND LAYOUT: DAVID; PHOTOGRAPHY: are not necessarily those of the editor. ALDOUS, LING AND VIRGINIA; SPORT: DAVID; Deadline for letters in Felix 1074 is Tuesday 7th January. COLLATING LAST WEEK: DAVID, DAVID AND WILL. Please bring some form of identification. THE FELIX WEEKLY ECHO WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: ROBIN AND THE Letters may be e-mailed to our address: [email protected] NEWS TEAM 16 GIANT CHRISTMAS PRIZE CROSSWORD FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER GIANT CHRISTMAS PRIZE CROSSWORD 17 Keep active this Christmas with the Felix Giant Christmas Prize Crossword and win a Collins Dictionary Across: 71. Bird, for example, concerned Down: 4) with first travellers. (5) 58. Run faster, not being in for the '::/: ..y';-y.:-, "... . .: ~. i. . 1. Charity where the young element 72. Join palms for togetherness. 1. Northern chap with huge tooth journey. (7) i.il faculties with this massive word puzzle in>tc-.id of slumping in from ot Noel's Christmas House Party. And to of the north-east meet a press offi- (4,2,4) reassembled when found red-hand- 60. Pamphlett mail for Queen? (6) -pi.ir. 3 2 b? ;:,.,:\.:i,b-:y 0;;.V.;>- v.- {r^ur?:? ' . . ." ./ cer. (8,2,4) 76. Lead compared with water, for ed. (6,2,3,3) 61. Smells old party - under refor- . y~' ? ~:: . . : v: , i ~ . ' c 7. In trouble beside fence? (7,3,4) example, is thicker. (6) 2. Imperial College's Italian chemi- mation first in south. (6) Ha:.:c, :r.f cii;.;pj-ec. :: : >,,;>- 2J;:;:.. T."L-:CH--i-y 7;':':.-;;y - IK .. . 13. Almond, perhaps, in stubborn 78. Form of transport is ordinary, cal company? (1,1,1) 63. Many old-timers first - a large > v.. -.:-: ... ' : * : :v: tj . utility. (3) we hear. (5) 3. Party with English deer? (3) number of them. (3) 14. Student in no first class organ- 80. Lake is spooky, we hear. (4) 4. In note, good Queen is numeri- 64. Exclamation about pop group! GIANT PRIZE CROSSWORD BY CLANSMAN ised international body. (6,7) 85. 78 leaves, it's a farce! (7) cally whole! (7) (3) 18. Whether in dread or in rever- 87. Endure the end. (4) 5. Time of day, whatever way you 65. Final hiding place overturned. ence, still in it. (3) 88. Plan in advance before appoint- look at it! (4) (3) 21. Master rises up without final ment in the Church. (9) 6. Get into more trouble when pan- 66. French fruit in gym of church in time constraints. (3) 89. Males in state in the north? (3) cake is badly tossed! (3,2,3,6,3,3,4, the east. (5 - French word) 22. Indicate after a Peruvian ambas- 91. Indicate message after dead 3,4) 67. Cry at glass obstruction in past. sador-elect? (7) Englishman. (6) 8. First and last German at odds (3) 24. Utah nail I confused with a 92. Humble and under-average. (3) with flea? (4) 70. Body of water goes through a country. (9) 94. Nasty filth? (7) 9. Leader is a fruit with no final localline? (7,7) 25. That man's conservative look 95. Go round sticky material. (3) idea! (6) 73. Eaten revoltingly. First back through the years! (7) 96. A main agitator in the inner per- 10. Noted to be mine in ten states. Northern Ireland Nissan garage 26. The female person in Cornish sonality. (5) (7) tidying? (9) equation? (3) 97. Cat that is a circular church auc- 11. Murder of two donkeys by one 74. College east of frozen water? 28. Learner in north-east sting is a tion article? (6) country. (13) (3) young bird? (8) 98. Base press officer adrift on the 12. Big father in learner disaster 75. Revise lecture - understand ocean floor? (6) that was too real? (6,4,4) 30. Stan and Anne accomodated the one's mistake. (5,3,6) 101. No dose contaminates when 15. Round motel pet shaken when aerials. (8) 76. Scots hurried when first thrown caught. (6) found on ethnic statue. (5,4) 32. Morning measure - so be it! (4) about by Olympic competitor. (6,7) 33. Important to cheer on new 103. To surround women first takes 16. Evil qualities shown under the 77. Mistakes Queen that bishop out- books. (6) more than one. (3) cover of it. (8) sizes awkwardly. (6) 34. A long time in conducting sim- 105. Motor organisation gent dis- 17. South Africa in time for south- 79. Capital borough of old? (6,4) ple oncology? (3) mantled by a male relative! (6) ern holy men? (6) 81. Gallop in greater unity. (3) 35. Holy, concerning alien road. (6) 107. Ogle over reel. (4) 19. The Spanish feminine mythical 82. Snake has a company that rail- 37. Rent first-class accomodation 108. Interfered backside of English creature? (3) way's after first. (5) that is sensitive to light! (6) red? (8) 20. Liberian student excited first by 83. Shamefaced to kill animal. (7) 40. Upright mistake by soldiers. (6) 111. Circle the germ fragments in toboggan. (4) 84. Relit funny measurement. (5) 41. Tooth-operator without it leaves the earth's energy. (8) 23. Apathetic when bank gives no 86. Circular table crushes a flat- cavities! (5) 112. Atmosphere in first-class con- money. (2,8) tened sphere. (6) 42. English turn creates self-esteem. dition? Right! (3) 27. Old children's program about 90. Melt East Lane - strange but (3) 114. Scottish race by riveri s in the kindly live northerner? (6,3) obvious! (9) 43. Moan about tan disintegrating frame. (7) 29. Strangle with rot in gate. (7) 93. Sheep hair which, we hear, can in US state. (7) 115. Tuna groan amalgamated in an 30. Painting in circular train? (3) be found in a Building Society! (8) 44. 'Small change' is so upper- ape? (5-4) 31. Heavyweight on after time. (3) 99. Hearing aid has an aptitude for class! (3) 116. Self-change about fun reflect- 33. Unnecessary out of all propor- music? (3) 45. Respected queen is more expen- ed by sniff? (7) tion. (6) 100. Auction British identification? sive. (6) 118. North-east metal is the first of 36. Time for the right? Last direc- (3) 46. Allow the French time. (3) it's kind. (3) tion! (5) 102. Sam led alternative path to a 47. Time and dates, strangely, are 119. Consume peciliar tea. (3) 38. Clue for learner is a belief? (5) woman. (6) assessed. (9) 120. Ancient pupils are the best! 39. Eastern English ramp jolts a 104. On oil residue, I circle a lake! 48. William's legislation? (4) (5,8) current measurement. (6) (7) 49. Toddler is upset - always in 123. Favour the master? (3) 46. Resin secreted in rural acres. (3) 106. First class Northerner in ash is tears. (7) 124. Book about a circle master? 49. Part of the gut, in other words, a beginner? (7) 51. Cry of pain when ring undercuts (4,2,3,5) south of the provinces. (8) 109. The perimeter - journalist gets first before church. (4) 125. Singer of 'Jo's machine lack' 50. Express disapproval at first two! (4) 54. Ally. I tune, perhaps. (5) perhaps. (7,7) Bulgarian athletic homecoming, 110. 'Starter for ten' turned con- 56. A human being for every boy? primarily. (3) cerning Englishman. (6) (6) 52. Laugh and cure combined paral- 113. Singular omen, nasty evening 59. Greeting, we hear, on forms of lel line! (7) first! (3) communication are speech sounds. 53. Novelette on Eastern ship - yes! 116. Holy metal found in animal. (10) (5) (4) 62. Church cry before first royal 117. Hit Conservative about irrita- *d wns Duncan Itakcr, u 55. Top of container - fight 51 Tidal wave; 13. Xivei. I t. Assess, 16. Tailcoat, 18, singers. (5) tion! (4) daughters! (3-3) External. 20. Hansom. 23. Tears, 24. Abundance. 26. 64. Monkey in cap entertains. (3) 56. Prince around five - measure 121. Mythical beast in mentor cri- Oblations. 27. Trace, 28. Double-cross. Down: 2. Avo 68. Glenn's song of undying devo- found to be truthful. (6) sis? (3) tion? (8,5,6,2,4,3,3) 57. King's poem - French one, 122. Promotions in the modern WW 69. Conjunction in band wagon? (3) female and loud. What a rabble! (4- ages?(3) 18 CLUBS & SOCIETIES FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER Songs in Scotland, Sex in Paris and Death in Bavaria

IC SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA This was a brilliantly conceived and with poetry in place of rhetoric). The sitive direction by the conductor, section. This gives the rare opportu- delivered programme consisting of all-pervasive influence of Nietzsche Richard Dickins. It worked. nity to praise the sensitivity of the three masterpieces, each written at that time showed in the work of The virtuosity of the solo violin in ICSO timpanist. Similarly, it is without conventional sonata form. It Delius and Strauss and encouraged the Scottish Fantasy exceeds that of refreshing to be able to praise the included Delius's first masterpiece (a them in, among other things, their Bruch's other violin concertos. harpists (one as sub-soloist in the nostalgic farewell to the latter part of strong egotism. Delius's consequent Edward Bale gave us artistry of the Bruch and two in the other works). his youth in Paris), an early one by rejection of conventional morality highest order, negotiating the stretch- Generally, the "Death" section Richard Strauss and one by Bruch led to the disease which blinded and es of double stopping with apparent (which is actually more to do with written at the peak of his creativity, crippled him and which was proba- ease and deploying occasional hints the development of human personal- just before he became conductor of bly contracted in a Parisian brothel. of portamento and vibrato appropri- ity) is thought to be more convincing the Liverpool Philharmonic Society. The ICSO performance of "Paris" ate to a concerto of the late romantic than the "Transfiguration" but this All three are very generously gripped throughout, from the atmos- period. The piece runs from sombre performance left no such feeling of orchestrated, lyrical and rhythmically pheric opening with the plaintive to dance-like, from lyricism through discontinuity. Sixty years after the vivacious; just right to display the woodwind solos on to the song- like to the war-like finale. The soloist and composition, Strauss quoted the musical strengths of ICSO, which are violin solo and the final, blazing, orchestra were excellent in all these motif of the "Ideal" in one of the now better than ever. "dawn" section. This was reminis- varied moods. The performance Four Last Songs and, on his stirred up a wish to hear much more deathbed, said that his feelings were There are several other links cent of JMW Turner's early master- of the work of this neglected com- just as he'd predicted in this music of between the three composers. piece "Norham Castle: Sunrise" now poser. his youth. Bruch's most popular violin concerto on show at the Tate Gallery. The bas- lent ideas to Strauss on more than soons took good advantage of the The strings and the brass came into The whole evening was a vivid one occasion in later life, including unusual opportunities offered to them their own in the great climaxes of interplay of solo and tutti work, the Alpine Symphony. Half of the in this piece. The orchestration is so "Death and Transfiguration". The visionary and musicianly in detail, scores Delius possessed were of multi-faceted that I can only propose horns were authentically ideally suited to an orchestra consist- music by Strauss, which helps to a general vote of thanks to the rest of "Straussian". The timpanist plays a ing of young but mature individual explain how Delius learnt to balance the orchestra! The dynamics of this most important part in the quieter, talents masterminded by a deserved- great orchestral forces so well (but piece required and received very sen- "heart beat" passages of the "Death" ly popular conductor.

IC Choir Climbing in Pembroke AIDS Trust

IC MOUNTAINEERING CLUB Fund Last Friday night (13th December) James (the less sane) decided that the saw this term Is concert of the After a number of destination sun was too good for them and went Raising Imperial College Choir in the Great changes (ranging from Devon to and climbed a cave! After being Hall, Sherfield. Having heard from a North Wales) we finally set off on harassed by Air Sea rescue looking Just over a week ago a party was number of sources a lot of impres- Friday night in a completely random for a fallen walker they joined the held, the purpose of which was to sive things about the standard of direction. Yet again our bus was in que to do Preposterous Tales, a three raise money for the Terrence singing, and on seeing an almost full impeccable condition this time stub- pitch HVS. Setting off in the light of Higgins Trust. The party was host- house, I went to my first l.C. Choir bornly refusing to go over fiftyan d day they emerged from this grimey ed by IQ (Imperial's LCB society), concert with high expectations. As deciding to impersonate a factory hole in the dead of night (in true though it was open to everyone. is common in I.C. there are often chimney by spewing out about a ICMC tradition) as the rest of us The Terrence Higgins Trust is a difficulties of varying levels caused tonne of thick white smoke (thanks strolled up to see if they were still charity dedicated to giving care and by the male/female ratio; surprising- to the twonker before us who filled alive. After describing a bit of an support to those people infected ly it is the deficiency of male voices up with petrol instead of Diesel). epic including slimy holds, pitch with HIV and AIDS and to doing (there are almost as many male The next morning we made the rit- black, broken head torch bulbs and everything that can be done to pre- singers as there are altos or sopra- ual journey to the pasty shop in heads not fitting through cracks vent any new infections. Therefore, nos) that is the problem. However, Pembroke for breakfast and headed James declared that he wanted to they have recently launched a major this was made up for by some clear off to St Govan's Head. We split up "give the bloke that put a spare bulb health promotion campaign, the and confident singing especially and headed off to find our climbs on in the PETZL a big wet kiss"! aim of which is to stop more peo- from the tenors. It seemed that each the beautiful Pembrokeshire coast The evening nosh consisted of a ple getting infected and to help save member of the choir knew when to line. The more sane of us headed of rather civilised curry served by a 3000 lives by the year 2000. come in without waiting for some- for the sunny (and eternally hot) Welsh-Indian with a very bizarre On the night, we raised over £80 one else to follow (a common occur- crags at St Govans and Saddle Head accent! We spent the night in the for the THT which was beyond any rence in some well-known choirs). to some quite stunning climbs. pub improving inter-university rela- of our expectations, we also had a I was not too convinced by the Special mention has to be given to tions with Exeter and UCL climbing great time. Therefore, we would tempo, generally finding them a lit- Amir and Gareth for their first (sec- clubs who had also decided to climb just like to thank everyone who tle on the slow side but this was the ond, third and fourth!) leads and to at Pembroke. came and supported the event, we only thing which made me feel a lit- Dave who identified completely the The next day, when we had final- hope you all had a very pleasant tle uncomfortable. The four soloists wrong climb and took about an hour ly got up and got our pasties, we hit time. and orchestra were remarkable, par- puzzling why there was no protec- the cliffs for another good days If you would like to know any ticularly the two sopranos (Naomi tion and no holds! Dave also finally climbing, burning off home in a revi- move information about the Harvey again and Janet Shell) who lead the brilliant Chieftan with aven- talised bus (since it had Diesel in it) Terrence Higgins Trust and the managed to deliver some of the gence after having backed off it on a to get back (staggeringly) before work they do, or if you would like most horrendously difficult vocal previous trip. Monday. any confidential advice on safe sex lines ever written with such ease. While the rest of us sane mortals or other matters, the THT have a were out on the sunny cliffs Rob and phone line, 0171 242 1010. FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER SPORT 19 IC rugby : down but not out RSM leave the rest behind

GARETH WILLIAMS capped a good performance by Following the news that our closest sion but not being able to convert it FELIX RUGBY CORRESPONDENT crashing over the line from a tap rival Gold II have now lost a game into goals. Michel produced a bit of IC's Gutteridge Cup run came to a penalty. and draw one, the RSM had an magic when he left 3 defenders for halt against the medics of St For the backs, Chris Mutter and opportunity to move 5 points clear at dead. The second half saw the game Georges. An explosive first five min- Dave Gol formed a solid pairing in the top. Although starting early, we proceed in similar fashion. Keith utes saw tries scored by both teams, the centre, showing touches of real still managed to arrive late at the come close with a shoot that struck with Andy Mayes replying to St class. Dave Chatterji was like a ground of Royal Vets due to some the post. Si was brought on when Georges opening salvo. After the whippet behind the forwards, form- good co-piloting by Roger and Si. about 20 minutes remained. He opening frenetic burst IC had their ing a smooth link to silky skills out- There were a couple of big changes quickly got control of the ball inside backs to the wall, and despite some side-half Gareth Williams. in the team this time around. Seeing the box and calmly placed his shoot courageous tackling were unable to Persistent IC pressure resulted in a that Swedish strikers are renowned in the corner. The two Swedes, prevent St Georges stretching out a further try for grease lightning for their composure in the box, Magnus H and Magnus W, intercon- healthy lead before half-time. winger Maru Woodhouse. something the Scotland-Sweden nected well down the rightleadin g to After the break, IC raised their Unfortunately it was not quite to be, game bears witness to, we played a deep cross to the left which Si eas- game and came storming back at St as the first-half deficit proved just a Magnus H. up front. After about 5- ily headed inn from the tightest of Georges. Debutants Kolone Yung mite too difficult to overcome. minutes a corner was driven long to angles. It seemed we would be and Matt Fogerty putting in impres- However, it was still a brave effort, the back post were Neil headed it rewarded a penalty when Michel was sive performances. Dan Doherty was with IC hampered by the absence of back into the danger area. Now "hacked" own in the box. The refer- his normal fiery self, and Martin Jack Peart and Oily Littleton to something incredible happened, ee seemed less convinced and let Byre fancied himself as a fly-half - ULU. something that will be discussed (at play continue. The result of this neg- though surely without the kicking Our last fixture of the year is the every opportunity!) in the RSM ligence was booed by the spectators skills. Christmas dinner, when we will be halls. From out of nowhere Fredrik similar to the McDonalds add. The step up to calmly place the ball past opposition must be commended for The two heavyweights Geoff looking forward to 1997. IC seem at least 8 players + the goalie. His their commitment, although some of Millet and Rob Gare beefed up the well placed for a successful cam- first goal for RSM, surely many to their tackles were reckless. Still a scrum with Jasper Hyde and Matt paign in the new year, which could come. The rest of the half saw RSM comfortable victory. Anstead combining well in the line- well prove to be one of our most suc- 3-0 again having virtually all the posses- out. Number 8 Paul Hardcastle cessful for some time.

Fourths humiliate UMDS London six-pack sees IC Sailing

Obviously from start to finish IC last minute penalty. Club triumphant dominated this game, to such an We had shots inches wide, shots extent that the 7-1 score- line flattered which hit the cross-bar, and two At the recently held London Six the University of London were to be the UMDS. Individual performance headers from only yards out when it Pack, IC Sailing Club tried out their beaten by only one other team. of the match must go to Sion Hale seemed easier to score than miss. All new and improved team for 1996-97. Lunch brought a change in for- who scored a stunning hat4rick. The in all IC were unstoppable. At the Hosted by the University of London tunes, and the lack of experience first was a penalty following a foul on haff time stage in the season we are in on our home water, the event is one showed as IC conceded some narrow Dmitri, then a well taken tap in, but a great position to win promotion, of the premiere university team rac- losses to some very good university the highlight was his third, a spin- and having qualified for the National ing competitions in the sailing calen- teams. Despite two wins at the end of ning, curling shot from the right wing Stages of BUSA this has the makings dar. IC, having put together a.team the day IC were eliminated from the into the top corner. Not bad for a left of a famous season for the Fourths. not three days before, went into the finals. back totally out of position! In this match report I really wanted event looking to gain experience for Sunday racing continued through- The other goals were scored by to write about a Hitleresque ref show- the forthcoming qualifiers and the out the day with most sailors feeling Chris, direct form a corner, two from ing as little compassion as the ICU British University Sports somewhat fragile from the previous Ryan, including an excellent glancing stewards, but the ref was fine, unlike Association (BUSA) nationals. nights festivities (including fire- header and an own goal created by the powercrazy stewards who contin- The first day's racing was blessed works and bonfires!!). Dmitri. For the second time in two ue to operate a harsh regime where with a good force three breeze which The eventual winners were matches Adam hit an unstoppable innocent people are made scapegoats carried the boys through three con- "Castaways" an ex-London boys shot onto the left-hand pest, and again for more serious offences. It really secutive victories over strong teams team who showed their experience played supremely well in the centre needs to be sorted out, but for now representing Cambridge, London by not losing a match throughout the of midfield. His play deserved a goal never mind since we're only students and Oxford Ladies. This brought entire weekend. and it is a great shame he missed a and we don't matter. smiles to Imperial faces especially as

RESULTS FOOTBALL IC 1ST 1 - 0 GOLDSMITH'S lST IC 2ND 1 - 1 IC 3RD RUGBY IC 3RD 2 - 1 ROYAL HOLLOWAY 4TH IC 2ND 12-24 CHARRING CROSS IC 3RD 0 - 2 RSM IC 4TH 7 - 1 UMDS 2ND SNOOKER IC 5TH 4 - 4 RSM 2ND IC CHRISTMAS OPEN FINAL IC 6TH 1 - 5 LSE 6TH SIMON BAUGH 3 - 2 RUSSELL TOWERS RSM 3 - 0 ROYAL VETS 20 SPORT FELIX WEDNESDAY 18TH DECEMBER FELIX SPO Deadlock in IC Derby as Seconds tie with Thirds

There was never any doubt that this and brimstone in midfield and it was the headless chicken approach of the thirds. Captain Dan showed what was a BIG match. Thanks to the rel- about fifteen minutes before the sec- first half. The thirds resolved to keep true commitment was by blocking egation of the seconds last year, both onds started to fight back. With the battling and start the second half as one cross with his testicles. Some of the second and third teams play in the tide of the game turning slightly, the they had the first. the thirds commented, perhaps cruel- same division - hence this derby. thirds broke from defence with a From the kick-off the seconds ly, that it was the first time that they Neither team's form thus far into the strong run through the middle. The started to show that they could man- had seen him use his head this sea- season had been that good but this defence backed away and so the shot age to pass the ball. The thirds didn't son. As the clock ran down the sec- match wasn't about league status or came from outside the penalty box seem to be able to mount any form of onds' forays became tinged with des- points - it was about pride and hon- and dipped over Steve's head into the attack as the ball was pinged about peration as they knew there was not our and all the things that are noble goal - the thirds had taken a shock the pitch from second's red shirt to much time left to save their reputa- on this earth. It was also about a large lead. The rest of the half was domi- second's red shirt. Defenders Will, tion. Martin's bet that he would score number of pints that had been staked nated by a seemingly endless string German and Loz, 21, took control a hat-trick was lost, however, as the on the outcome but that was the fur- of corners for the seconds. At last and gave the midfielders a bit of time thirds' grit and determination at the thest thing from our minds as the ref one of Felix's inswingers was bun- to play with. Slick passing down the back meant that they emerged moral blew his whistle and the seconds dled into the goal by the mighty left from Si, Phil "the pill" and Hajo victors with a draw. Robo and so half-time arrived with kicked off. carved out many opportunities but The league points were shared but honours even. The game started well for the staunch defending, particularly from there was no doubt at who was more thirds - strong challenges came from Second's captain Steve was not full-backs Tim and Jamie who, pleased with the result. The seconds both sides but the commitment from happy at half-time - his standing in despite struggling with ridiculous will have to finish games off if they the blues made it hard going for the the club, along with numerous hairstyles, ensured that the only shots are to be promoted this season. The seconds. The pace of the game was drinks, were on the line here. "The on goal were long-range efforts thirds' defensive fortitude will serve fast and the ball was played up and Slags" needed to show that they had which the 'keeper dealt with easily. them well if they can keep it up in down the field in frenzied attacks. the class to beat the thirds with a lit- The pressure continued with attack subsequent matches. Ben and Simon were snorting fire tle bit of intelligent play instead of after attack being repulsed by the

Sport in brief Snooker Open "Best in living memory"

IC THIRDS TAKE ON RSM had a storming row in their class, fin- Last Sunday saw the traditional The final was a close affair. The The Mines played IC III and through ishing within a second of Atlanta Imperial College Christmas snooker first four frames were shared with a mixture of a slight inability of the Olympians Graham Smith and open. There was a shock in the first Russell twice coming from behind to RSM to finish the opportunities pro- Rupert Obholzer. Stefan Eyre and round with the reigning champion level at 2-2. In the deciding frame vided to them and some reasonable Paul Backes were third overall. Jon Fulcher being beaten 2-0 in two Russell pulled away to a 35 point defending from IC especially in the Several other divisions were won hard fought, close frames by Club lead before Simon pulled himself second half when they seemed con- against notable opposition, including president Russell Towers. Russell back into it with some consistent tent with playing 5 in midfield, we the University of London, who must then proved that this was no fluke by scoring and then took the lead with a only managed to score 2 goals. The by now be getting highly embar- progressing to the final with 2-1 wins difficult 26 break. Simon eventually first by Magnus in the first half the rassed by their inability to beat one over first Alex Robinson and then secured the frame and match with the second in the second half by Craig of their constituent colleges. Steff Lewis, winning in dramatic final blue and pink. The final was (stealing the glory from Roger, style after Steff went in-off the final described by one of the spectators as unlucky mate).We would like to RUGBY SECONDS black. In the top half of the draw 'the best in living memory'. thank the opposition of IC V for pro- Despite a determined and aggressive Simon Baugh made it to the final, The Snooker Club now looks for- viding the meal tickets for 2 of our performance, IC Seconds went down beating Aki Pakarinen (2-0) and Tim ward to a key match at Cardiff next team. fighting, 24-12, in a closely fought Dann (2-1). weekend. contest with Charring Cross Seconds BOAT CLUB (again!) Early scores for Charring The boat club took a small squad to Cross only succeeded in stirring the Inauspicious start for IC wrestling last weekend's Walton Small Boat's IC fire, with tries coming from head, but still managed to win most Darren Bryce and David Pearce, and The newly-formed Imperial Olympic division. Kensington Wrestling Club divisions. a conversion from Justin Lee. The Wrestling Club got of to an inauspi- (which the Imperial club is part of) The double scull of Tom Gale and stars of this glittering performance cious, if predictable, start at the 1996 fared rather better, taking 3rd in the Martin Kettle were the fastest crew are too numerous to all be mentioned London Freestyle Championships on 90kg, 2nd in the 82kg and firsts in of the day, beating former World - you all know who you are. 14th December. The championships, both the 57 and 62kg Senior events, Champion Peter Haining in the However, special credit goes to Dave held at Kensington Sports Centre, and numerous trophies in the Junior process. Pearce and Peachy who both starred was the last major tournament of the categories. Racing in a single scull, Pete in unfamiliar positions. season, and many of the country's Frank Murrey, sports and leisure Wilson comfortably won the Senior We are now looking forward to top wrestlers attended. The sole IC manager at IC, presented the trophies 2 and Senior 3 divisions, whilst our grudge clash with the Firsts next entrant suffered two heavy defeats on the day, emphasising the hope that Simon Dennis took the Novice week, when we hope we can repeat against experienced opponents, wrestling will play an important role crown. this outstanding performance. including an ex-Hungarian national in the life of the planned sports cen- Richard Dunn and Simon Wall squad member, in the Senior 82kg tre to be built under Princes Gardens. Felix Weekly Echoi incorporating the Felix Evening Mercury

Wednesday 18th December 1996, Free, where delivered RECTOR FACES SHOCK ELECTION DEFEAT

The Rector, Sir Ronald the bar, and set up an on-cam- Oxbrough, has sensa- pus pharmacy. Hobbies: Booze, tionally admitted that fags, lard. he does not expect to Dave Trotsky (Socialist be returned in tomor- Worker). Pledges to abolish row's rectorial election. capitalism and redistribute Sir Ronald conceded that his wealth. He hopes to achieve position would not stand up to a this by handing out flyers, rectorial examination... shouting very loudly, and hav- Opinion polls show the cur- ing an occasional riot. rent front-runner to be showbiz Hobbies: Being Northern. bad-boy Keith Flint, of popuar Sir Ronald (again): Mythical. beat-combo 'The Prodigy.' Only the Governing Body claim Speaking exclusively to The to have met him. Hobbies: Tea Echo, Mr Flint outlined his plans parties with lots of biscuits, for- to lead the College into the next Flint: Firestarter Major: Not standing, but could eign holidays. century, saying: "I'm the need a new job in five monrhs Richard Branson: The man firestarfer... Twisted firestarter." time. A dark horse, slow start, behind the Virgin empire. Nominations for the post good in the finish. Pledges more music, less talk. closed this evening with seven Branson: Pickle Oxburgh: Odd Hobbies: World domination. fully seconded candidates. An Princess Di: Promises coun- eighth, suspected to be selling, all profits to charity, and American, narrowly missed his to ban moblie phones from flight and thus the nomination campus. Hobbies: Casual sex. deadline. Legitimate candidates Marvin the Martian: unavail- are summerised below. able for comment, though an aide-de-camp said 'take us to Keith Flint: Top of the polls at your leader'. Hobbies: N/A. the moment is the scary bloke from the Prodigy. Wants all stu- Polling stations will be open in dents to fuck off and die. all major departments, the Hobbies: Fire-starting. Union lobby and the Sherfield Sir Nicholas Scott: Disgraced lobby. Regisitration forms are Kensington and Chelsea MP. available from all departments, Promises to boost the profits of the Union Office and Sir Ron. .Relief Busts Pa Vinci's Curry Success Inside: Sherfield building flooded ICU's popular snack Acting on a tip-off, police offi- Echo: "Our suspicions were first plague of locusts in Beit bar, Da Vinci's, was cers with sniffer dogs mounted aroused by the inexplicably Hall closed last week fol- a dawn raid on the Union's long queues for 'pound curries.' Caldwell walks on water lowing the arrest of the kitchens. Their search revealed We were mystified as to why IC catering feeds 5000 entire catering staff by large quantities of both hard anyone would willingly buy Rector's wife turned into the Metropolitan Police and so-called 'soft' drugs. these suspicious meals. The pillar of salt drugs squad. A police spokesman told The continued on page 2 Health centre cures leper etc... Tomorrow's news today! 2 The Felix Weekly Echo BOOKSTORE TENDER AWARDED TO LCC

College officials annou- ments; "We intend to increase instead trying to indoctrinate stages." nced yesterday that the custom by holding informal people and persuade them to There has been much dis- London Church of Christ meetings, discussions, tam- part with all their money, he cussion in recent months over had successfully fought bourine lessons and talking to responded; "That simply isn't the loss of revenue suffered by off rivals Dillons, people on a one-to-one basis. true. But if anyone feels the the Union as a result of losing Waterstones, and the If anyone has any problems, urge to give us large quantities the bookstore. The LCC Sock Shop to become any problems at all, or are feel- of used banknotes, we won't spokesman was quick to offer the new operators of ing vulnerable, or are seeking discourage it." hope to Union staff; "If you'd the ex-Union Book- meaning in their life, they must Asked if the new bookstore like to discuss it further, we will store. feel able to come and discuss would only sell copies of the be holding an induction Mr J H Christ, acting as a things with us," he explained. Bible, the shaven-headed Mr evening on Tuesday where we spokesman for the LCC, des- When questioned on rumours Christ replied "No! No, no, no. will answer queries. It's at my cribed the decision as "divine." circulating that LCC are an evil Not at all. Well, actually... yes. place, with tea, Jaffa cakes, A delighted Mr Christ went on brainwashing cult and will not We feel it may be risky to diver- spiritual bonding and ritual sex. to outline the planned improve- be selling textbooks at all, but sify too much in the early See you there." Registry Office seal of approval for sex change op Barmy MP opens Last Wednesday, the completed in just under five Gardens, who are threatening booze palace for Registry Office announ- minutes, with no need for an strike action over the increased ced a radical plan of overnight stay in hospital. workload. qutter experience action to redress the Existing students will be able to The Registry Department balance of IC's male- 'chop and change' gender at a claim they have the full backing SW7 nightlife looks set /female ratio. stall during next year's of the Rector, and remain confi- to improve following Starting next year, all male Freshers' Fair. dent that their scheme will soon the recent decision by applicants to Imperial College Despite a positive response become an integral part of the local councillors to will be made aware of new from students and staff, there admissions procedure. "Our grant a bar licence to bursaries available to those have been loud objections from ultimate aim is for everyone to disgraced Kensington who opt for full sex-change the Union Women's group, who be able to go down to the & Chelsea MP, Sir surgery upon admission. are concerned that no similar Union bar and Nicholas Scott. The Developed at St Mary's by a bursaries are being offered to pull," said a happy, former minister for team of frustrated researchers, female applicants. Also in dis- newly-engaged Northern Ireland the new procedure makes use agreement are the staff of the researcher. plans to open the of laser technology and can be medical center in Princes first of a fran- chised chain of 'blues & booze' Cold turkey for jazz clubs, to be Boffins crack known as "Nicky Scott's." cuny addicts Sir Nicholas hopes that Mech Eng gene the seductive blend of alcohol and music he plans to continued from page J offer will entice students away only feasible explaination was Dr Crispian Govinda of ferers often form crude social from the cheaper Union bar. that the whole lunch operation the Genetics Depart- groups, giving themselves He claims to have personally was merely a front for a vast ment announced last names such as "Motor Club" or tasted every single one of the narcotics ring." Friday that after years "C&G Exec" and spend hours five hundred and seventy two Sure enough, forensic analy- of painstaking resea- probing engines with rudimen- different drinks and cocktails sis showed traces of crack rch in collaboration tary tools. Even with gene ther- available, proclaiming them cocaine in the pork biryani. with the Human apy, complete recovery is rare, "Fantashtic" shortly before The ensuing investigation Genome Project, his and students showing these leaving in his ambulance. aims to determine whether stu- team had isolated the symptoms are advised to seek Among his own personal dents buying the curries knew gene that leads people medical assistance and coun- favourites is the house special- that they were being supplied to enrol at university to selling immediately. ity cocktail "The Party with illegal substances, or if study mechanical en- Conference", a heady mixture staff had surreptitiously added gineering. of whisky and the strongest the dangerously habit-forming Recognised symptoms include prescription painkillers. drugs in order to boost profits. hair on the palm of the hands, Facilities provided will In either case, addicts unable a low forehead, atrophied include topless go-go dancers to get their fix of lamb vindaloo frontal lobes, reduced speech and a controversial "Hit 'n' will face 'cold turkey' this capacity and an affinity for Run" drink-driving simulator, Christmas. greasy spanners. Previous with an exclusive bonus In a brief telephone call from research had suggested that 'pushchair level'. The modern Kensington and Chelsea police this rare affliction was caused interior design will feature a station, a member of the dis- by environmental conditions, gutter room, exclusive to mem- graced catering team could but these latest findings prove bers, which will recreate the only comment: "Erm... chutney that it is hereditary. atmosphere of a breezy with that?" According to Dr Govinda, suf- Bournemouth evening. The Felix Weekly Echo 3 SLOT MACHINE FAILURE BRINGS HUXLEY TO ITS KNEES The Maths withdrawal symptoms, with stu- hundreds Department's usually dents suffering from caffeine of the shy, sedate routine was dis- deprivation. pallid rupted last Thursday An immediate investigation mathemat- when the drinks into the condition was launched ics stu- machine in the Huxley with the initial findings confirm- dents to Building obstinately ing a dependence on a synthet- surface refused to function. ic vitamin-free blend of cocoa, and seek powdered milk and boiling nourish- Distressed students were found water. If the "drinks" machine ment else- wandering the corridors, is not fixed within a few days, it where. severely disoriented and experi- is estimated that the mathemat- Eye-wit- The Huxley Building snack machines in happier times. encing hallucinations, nausea ics postgraduate population ness and vomiting. On further med- could become extinct if nothing accounts te of a mass exodus vastly inferior vending machine ical examination it was con- is done to save them. to Blackett Laboratory, where avoided daily by knowing physi- firmed that these were in fact Thursday's disaster forced they were forced to use the cists. Millenium bang planned bv Physics Student Debt Award scooped by IC

Imperial College's hope to provide approximately A student from recounting how he had Dept. of Physics has 15 minutes of continuous day- Imperial College's amassed a personal deficit of received an undis- light over Europe." Addressing Department of around £275,000 through closed sum from the concerns over safety, Prof. Computing has seen off bogus identities, 13 bank Millennium Eastwood explained that stiff competition to win accounts, multiple student loan Commission, following nuclear explosions in a vacuum Britain's first annual applications and countless its successful bid to produce very little fallout, and Student Debt Award, credit-cards. He claimed that, irovide the light show that the increased lighting successfully demon- while many students foolishly for celebrations on would be invaluable to revellers strating that he owed squandered their grants on New Year's Eve, 1999. attempting to meet in Trafalgar more money than any textbooks and living expenses, In an ambitious and far-reach- Square. The warheads will be other student regis- the prudent spender should ing scheme, the Blackett carried into space using tried tered in the UK. invest the money in drink, drugs Laboratory has pledged to fur- and trusted Ariane technology. The winner was announced and loose women. nish London with a display far Disposing of atomic weapons during a gala dinner at the Park Despite professing only surpassing the simple lasers in this way is both more enter- Lane Hilton last Friday, attend- vague recollections as to where and fireworks planned by other taining and cheaper than care- ed by the cream of society's the money had gone, the stu- cities. Britain's entire remaining ful decommissioning. The debt-ridden celebrities and dent jovially recalled how nuclear arsenal will be Government has given the plan bankrupt entrepreneurs. spending on his heroin habit launched at the stroke of mid- its full support, seeing a chance The IC student, who is want- had been largely overshad- night, and detonated at the for Britain to lead the world ed by debt collection agencies owed by his Queens Gate edge of space directly above towards unilateral disarma- and so cannot be named, wore Terrace flat rent, and how he the Old Royal Observatory, ment. It is hoped that the resid- a false beard as he accepted had been unable to supply the Greenwich. ual atmospheric radiation, the award, presented this year 3 months of bank statements Announcing the project, expected to endure for thou- by Kevin Maxwell. In a short necessary to apply for College Head of Dept. Professor David sands of millennia, will serve as speech, the prizewinner access funds, never having Eastwood revealed: "By careful- a proud and lasting monument addressed a cheering crowd of stayed with the same bank for ly timing the detonations, we to world peace. young debt-building hopefuls, more than six weeks at a time. Tory MP blasts medical text as porn Sir Harold Twistleton- the House over this sordid Medical Council about this. This was unrepentant : "It's indecent Smythe, Conservative affair. I don't know how the book is more suited to the top and immoral. It's probably on MP for Lower Furbleton publishers can allow this filth to shelf of a seedy newsagent's the blasted internet too, if I West, declared his total be printed." said Sir Harold. The than a student library. In my day could just get the dashed con- disgust yesterday for book is understood to contain all we had was the occasional traption to work." the "unashamedly several pictures of naked men saucy postcard from the conti- At the time of going to press, pornographic" content and women from a number of nent." The publishers of the members of the House of of a medical textbook. different angles. Sir Harold was book, 'Gray's Anatomy', were Commons have established a It is understood that he found particularly shocked to find dia- surprised at the commotion, cross-party select committee to the book in the possession of grams of internal organs and explaining: "The book has been examine the pictures in detail, his daughter, who attends St dissected body parts. "I shall be in print since the nineteenth and will publish their findings in Mary's Hospital Medical School. writing immediately to the century and this is the first com- a report later this year. "I shall be asking questions in Chairman of the General plaint we've had." Sir Harold Echo Sport

Wednesday 18th December 1996 IC BOAT BOYS SUSPECT IN CLONING

Rowing authorities have slammed Imperial College's Boat Club in a row over the Club's alleged use of clones. The rowing team, who have won the World Championships in just about everything, were devasted to learn that their trophy cabinet may be in jeopardy.

Bill 'Grand Master' Mason, the team Coach spoke of the club's anger over the charge. "The team are very angry that other teams have accused them of being clones. It is totally untrue. We have never used clones, except in training." He went on to accuse their opponents of being sore losers. Will Taker, stroke in the Henley Grand winning team, said that "competitions always bring out the worst in people." His crewmate, cox Billy Taka, agreed. "It must be disheartening to see us race away from you after all those months of training" he said. Power stroke William Taykerr and number three Liam Cztaecha declined to comment. IC UC BOFFS SUSPECT IN CLONING ROW

Quiz show authorities Next issue: have slammed Imperial Union bar to introduce top-up College's University fees. Challenge team over the Felix editor expected back from alleged use of clones. The lunch break "within 6 months." team of four won the last Rector's face appears in cloud series of the top BBC formation. show. IC reporter found dead. Team leader Jim De'Ath denied St Mary's Union exec. Still miss- the charge. "This is riduculous. ing; New BMS foundations laid. Scientists simply do not have Southwell Hall cockroaches the ability to do this. Yet." demand better conditions. Mr De'Ath is 210. Tomorrow's sport today!