HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 1
Handy Dandy Guide To North Malaysian Driving
N. F. Ahmad & P. Kemaman
Bandar Diraja Klang, SGR, MY & Highlands Ranch, CO, US
3 March 2018
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 2
Table of Contents
Table of Contents 2
Introduction 2
Traffic Lights 4
Speed Limits 4
Other Signs 5
Which Side Of The Road Do I Drive On? 5
Turns 6
The Horn 6
Ecology 7
Intense Traffic 8
Eating 9
Timing 10
Vehicle Problems 10
Parking 11
Pedestrians 12
Acknowledgements 12
References 13
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 3
Introduction
North Malaysian driving is a delightful activity enjoyed by people all over Malaysia, primarily in the north. This art form has its origins in the state capital of Penang, George Town, on the dense island of Pulau Pinang in northern Malaysia since ancient times. Although it is a challenging task which pushes the limits of human sanity, it can also be exhilarating and thrilling. This handy dandy guide will explain all of the ins and outs of this activity, even for aspiring drivers outside of Malaysia.
Figure I: Map of the state of Penang (in red) within Malaysia (in yellow)
From https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f4/Penang_in_Malaysia.svg/1200px-P enang_in_Malaysia.svg.png
Figure II: Image of George Town skyline for easier visualisation
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 4
From https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/03/Skyline_of_George_Town%2C_Pe nang.jpg/1650px-Skyline_of_George_Town%2C_Penang.jpg
Traffic Lights
Easy easy.
Green = Go!
Yellow = Go Faster Before Light Changes To Red!
Red = Check If There’s No Police And Then Go! 衝 LAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Purple = Light’s Probably Broken Because It’s Not Supposed To Be Purple, Treat Intersection
Like Free-For-All!
Speed Limits
See that number on the “speed limit” sign? That’s just a recommendation. Take that number, multiply it by six, and use that as your new speed limit! It’s very simple. Try not to use your brakes. Those only exist to hinder your progress and advancement in life and society.
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 5
Figure III: The realistic North Malaysian speed limit with this sign would be approximately 300 km/h.
From http://www.seton.ca/media/catalog/product/canada/REGULATORY-TRAFFIC-SIGNS-W1194S1 7STDRAE-ba.jpg
Other Signs
“WHATEVER, SIGN. I’LL YIELD WHEN I WANT TO YIELD” (Neal) is perhaps the most accurate response to seeing one of those signs on the road for an experienced North Malaysian driver. In the North Malaysian style of driving, most signs are really just insignificant and distract the driver from their task at hand. Therefore, it is likely safe to just ignore those signs for the most part. One-Way Street? No U-Turn? Keep Left? Stop Sign? Who cares?
These aren’t exactly signs, but if you see barricades set up along the road, try to see how many you can knock over! You could even try to compete against the driver next to you!
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 6
Which Side Of The Road Do I Drive On?
This is a question which has puzzled both Malaysians and non-Malaysians alike. Theoretically, you would drive on the left, since that is the Malaysian standard for which side of the road to drive on. However, since we are taking this concept up a level, you would instead drive on the right side just to change things up a bit.
Of course, this usually isn’t done intentionally. The proper way would be to close your eyes for a few minutes only to find that you’re on the opposite side of the road that you started on. If you are learning how to drive like a North Malaysian but live in a backwards country like Canada,
America, or Argentina where most people are supposed to drive on the right, drive on the left instead! Give it a try!
What’s more, you can also drive on the sidewalk or in the emergency lane if you want to.
Turns
In most places, one would turn on their turn signals to signify that they are about to make some type of turn. However, as a North Malaysian driver, it is your responsibility to leave those turn signals on the entire time you are driving, even if you are not planning on turning.
If you are on the freeway and realise that you are driving in the wrong direction, feel free to make a U-Turn whenever you want. As you learned in the previous section, it really doesn’t matter which side of the road you drive on, so you should be fine.
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 7
For other turns, the important thing to remember is that you always have the right of way. Of course, fellow North Malaysian drivers may also think that they always have the right of way, but they’re wrong. YOU have the right of way.
The Horn
This one is really straightforward as well. As soon as you hit the road, don’t stop bashing the horn with your hand, especially if the driver in front of you is driving too slowly for your liking.
This isn’t directly related to the horn itself, but you can also turn your headlights on and off constantly at the car in front if they’re not fast enough.
Ecology
In 2017, Malaysians killed at least seventeen tapirs, fourteen leopard cats, three sun bears, two binturongs, two elephants, and a tiger on the roads. Please don’t do that. There aren’t even tapirs or elephants in Penang anyways. If your passion is running into animals with your car, there are plenty mosquitos to go around I suppose. Also be careful to not hit a Hantu you see one. It shouldn’t do any damage to Hantu, but you might anger it.
Sometimes you may find a king cobra inside of your car. That’s fine, don’t panic. Only a non-Malaysian would panic. So don’t.
Figure IV: These are what elephants look like.
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 8
From http://www .zoonegaramalaysia.my/images/exhibit/elephant/04.jpg
Intense Traffic
All traffic in North Malaysia is intense traffic. Think it’s so bad in KL? Try George Town. It’s like KL except with narrower roads and more angry ci***s on the road. Y ou will be stuck in traffic for twenty-three hours a day with all of these fellow North Malaysian drivers. It is recommended that you open your car window and begin shouting profanity at the people next to you, as they will likely be doing the same to you. A hand raised out of the vehicle with the middle finger extended is a commonly seen symbol. You should also complain as much as possible about everything in your life. Don’t complain too loudly about the government with your windows open though, because then you might get arrested for “disregarding racial harmony,” or “subverting state power”.1
1 This is no longer as much of a concern in the New Malaysia *It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 9
What you can also do is leave your car, go down to some restaurant and have lunch for an hour or two. Rest assured, when you return, nothing will have moved. What you must be wary of is that motorcycle gangs will attack your car and give it a flat tire so that you’ll be stuck there for even longer and then they can rob you of your belongings.
Also, if or when you finally do start moving, change lanes every three seconds . It’s what all the locals do. It is also strongly recommended that you keep a maximum of two centimetres length between your car and the one in front in order to pack more cars onto the road.
Figure V: Narrow roads in Malaysia
From https://assets.nst.com.my/images/articles/12ntparko_1515719343.jpg
Eating
Driving is one of the best times to eat. A real Malaysian would never ever miss out on a chance to eat. Take the time to eat and drive, and enjoy delicious Malaysian dishes such as Nasi Lemak,
Satay, Roti Canai, Non-Crispy Rendang, Rojak, Bakmi Goreng, or a good curry while you’re at
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 10
it. If in the event you have a food allergy, stop what you’re doing and go to a hospital or use an
EpiPen because safety should always be your number one priority.
Figure VI: Nasi Lemak
From https://www.sbs.com.au/food/sites/sbs.com.au.food/files/styles/full/public/nasi-lemak-p119_0.jpg ?itok=RQPpHrQJ&mtime=1484882404
Timing
Timing is an essential part of Malaysian driving culture as a whole, and it is very simple. If your meeting is at 9:00, then you should arrive by 9:50 at the earliest. If your boss calls and asks where you are, and you just woke up, just tell them that you are “on the way.” If you have just left your home, then you are “almost there,” and if you get stuck in traffic halfway through, tell them that “you arrived twenty minutes ago but forgot how to open the door.”
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 11
Vehicle Problems
Malaysia’s very own Proton Cars, created by Mahathir, was always state of the art, until corrupt
Najib sold it to China (now Proton Cars tak boleh). Even then, you should still be on the lookout for significant issues. If the wheels fall off and cause your automobile to stop moving, you should probably fix that. If your car is making strange noises, something’s probably wrong, but until your car stops running, you can ignore it. If your exhaust pipe is clogged with something, you should unclog it. If you forget to close your petrol cap, no worries. Just close it when you get home. If it seems too hot inside the car even with full air conditioning, it’s probably not a vehicle issue, just the climate in general. If you can drive a stick-shift, then good for you, you’re cool.
Parking
If you pull into a parking lot and there are still drawn-out spaces available, then good job! Just park in that space. It doesn’t matter if you go in at a weird angle and break off someone else’s car doors by accident, as long as you’ve managed to park.
This process is much harder if you can’t find one of those drawn-out spaces. You have a few options. You can park in the centre of the road or freeway and just have all of the cars swerve around it, which usually works. You can also just double-park in the parking lot in front of someone else’s car so that they can’t get out. Write your phone number on a paper and tape it to your windshield like a good Malaysian. When the people you blocked off need to leave, they’ll just call the number on the sheet of paper you left and politely ask you to temporarily move your car so that they can get out. It’s great how North Malaysian society works out that way.
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 12
Figure VII: The red car is double-parked
From http://www.themalaymailonline.com/uploads/articles/2015-08/1308-drive-double_parking_tips.j pg
Pedestrians
If you’re a pedestrian, just jaywalk. It really doesn’t make a difference if you patiently wait at an intersection if you are surrounded by North Malaysian drivers, nobody is going to stop either way.
Acknowledgements
We would like to acknowledge the people of Penang for driving like idiots and acting like imbeciles on the road. Maaf, kawan-kawan.
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 13
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*
HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO NORTH MALAYSIAN DRIVING 14
References
[Penang in Malaysia]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 03, 2018, from
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f4/Penang_in_Malaysia.svg/1200px-Penang_in_
Malaysia.svg.png
[Skyline of George Town]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 03, 2018, from
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/0/03/Skyline_of_George_Town%2C_Penang.jpg/
1650px-Skyline_of_George_Town%2C_Penang.jpg
[Digital image]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2018, from
http://www.seton.ca/media/catalog/product/canada/REGULATORY-TRAFFIC-SIGNS-W1194S17STDRA
E-ba.jpg
Neal, C. L. (2013, July 03). Famous Last Words 2. Retrieved March 03, 2018, from
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWqW3HWJsr8
Robertson, M. (2017, December 27). From leopard to sun bears: Malaysian motorists are killing our precious fauna.
Retrieved March 03, 2018, from
http://www.themalaymailonline.com/malaysia/article/from-leopard-to-sun-bears-malaysian-motorists-are-k
illing-our-precious-faun#vKfdyuQ7OkFhEyGv.97
[Digital image]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2018, from
http://www.zoonegaramalaysia.my/images/exhibit/elephant/04.jpg
[Digital image]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2018, from
https://assets.nst.com.my/images/articles/12ntparko_1515719343.jpg
[Digital image]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2018, from
https://www.sbs.com.au/food/sites/sbs.com.au.food/files/styles/full/public/nasi-lemak-p119_0.jpg?itok=RQ
PpHrQJ&mtime=1484882404
[Digital image]. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2018, from
http://media.themalaymailonline.com/uploads/articles/2015-08/1308-drive-double_parking_tips.jpg
*It is strongly advised that you don’t actually go out and do 90% of the suggestions suggested in this guide*