Oxbridge Educations’ for Sale Over the Internet » Varsity Continues BBC Investigation and ﬁ Nds ‘Bogus Uni’ Trading on Cambridge Name

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Issue No 668 Friday Jan 18 2008 varsity.co.uk

e Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 Fake ‘Oxbridge educations’ for sale over the internet » Varsity continues BBC investigation and ﬁ nds ‘bogus Uni’ trading on Cambridge name

Isabel Shapiro News Editor

In early January a BBC investigation culminated with the exposé of the “bogus” Irish International University (IIU). The pseudo- academic organisation had been renting rooms in Oxbridge colleges and institutions for seminars and awards ceremonies, using the Oxbridge location to lend value to their otherwise worthless degrees. Varsity has uncovered another organisation, registered to the same names and addresses as the institutions “outed” by the BBC, which is still trading in “dodgy” degrees from its internet site. The “European Business School Cambridge”(EBSC) has rented a succession of rooms in Cambridge institutions to hold its “award ceremonies” and seminars, even conning Cambridge academics into speaking at its seminars before trading on their presence there. The EBSC’s registered address with Companies House is 8a, King’s Parade, in fact the offi ces of Walker’s Solicitors. “Singh, Hardeep Professor” is listed as the Director of the fi rm, the same man who was listed as executive of the IIU when it was outed by the BBC. It is accredited by the “Qual- ity Assurance Commission – UK”, lication. These requirements are by using Cambridge venues such organisations. tential involvement of other Cam- registered under the perhaps the same as were asked for by the as Peterhouse, Downing and the Varsity has also discovered bridge academics, she said: “There appropriate acronym of “QAC – IIU; the coursework for which was Judge Business School. that the EBSC hired Cambridge are so many different lines. I can’t UK”, a body which is also owned found to be somewhat lacking in Photographs on the EBSC’s academics to host sessions, giv- name specifi c names.” A formal by Dr Hardeep Singh Sandhu and academic merit when examined by website clearly show “gradu- ing presentations in which the statement from the Judge, while operates out of a small “dingy” bona fi de academic Prof. John Ar- ates” of the EBSC posing in front Cambridge and EBSC logo were coming to Stiles’ defence, also con- offi ce in North London. The QAC nold of Loughborough University. of the Judge Institute as they displayed next to each other. Dr fi rmed that other academics were -UK is registered to a small bun- Arnold described the qualifi cations celebrated their achievement. Philip Stiles, a senior lecturer implicated: “Some academics from galow in the commuter village of as “worthless and bogus.” In a statement issued to Varsity at the Judge, is pictured on the the business school were involved Great Bookham, Surrey. The National Qualifi cations the Judge admitted: “In 2004 EBSC website giving a Power- in good faith in providing some of The EBSC offers a variety of Authority of Ireland have been and 2005 Judge Business School point presentation to a seminar the courses.” “qualifi cations” on its website attempting to stop the IIU using contracted to provide a number group. Staff dealing with the Although currently lecturing including a “Professional Doctorate the word “university” in its title of sessions of the IIU’s European IIU and EBSC issue had been in Amsterdam, Dr Stiles man- of Business Administration (DBA)” for several years because it lacks Business School Cambridge resi- previously unaware of Mr Stile’s aged to briefl y contact Varsity to and a “Euro MBA”. To gain a DBA any sort of proper accreditation. dential programme.” However, involvement until informed by express his surprise and dismay at from the EBSC candidates are re- The same issues apply to the a spokesperson for the Judge Varsity. Ms Aislinn Ryan, on the issue, explaining he had little quired to produce a “thesis”, which EBSC, essentially an IIU “sister- explained that they had stopped behalf of the Judge, said “I think concept of the EBSC’s credentials can cover any area from Marketing organisation”, which had attempt- dealing with both the IIU and the something’s been misconstrued at the time. At time of going to and Finance to Law and Sport, as ed to lend academic kudos to its EBSC sometime ago when they somewhere along the line.” When press the EBSC is still trading. well as prepare an article for pub- “seminar programme” realised the true nature of the questioned by Varsity over the po- Debate Face Off Interview Are illegal immigrants entitled to Sidney Sussex take on Wikipedia founder, Jimmy Wales, tells us about treatment on the NHS? Christ’s in the t stakes his encyclopaedic revolution. » Page 9 » Page 18 » Page 24 News Editors: Clementine Dowley, Ricky Power-Sayeed, Isabel Shapiro and Katherine Sirrell Friday January 18 2008 2 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

In Brief Hours, A-levels and Access: The ‘soft’ A-levels Spot-the-paedophile? still the same old story? Cambridge University researchers Accounting claim they have developed “uncannily Mike Kielty and Tom Moriarty rent marking system Media Studies demands differ- accurate” software that can recognise is “not fi t for purpose.” ent skills from more traditional internet predators. Crisp Thinkings A recently published study show- These revelations follow the A-Levels. He added “it may Art and design boasts that its “Anti-Grooming En- ing that two thirds of British Stu- Russell Group’s recent release of well be that the Russell Group gine” checks chat room conversations dents now gain a fi rst or a 2:1 has a list of twenty “soft” A-levels of universities don’t want crea- so that “Groomers can’t beat the sys- given rise to fears amongst Cam- which the Group recommends ap- tively thinking undergraduates.” Business studies tem or outwit the algorithms, as that bridge students that they may be plicants take only one. Cambridge OCR representative Bene’t would be like trying to dodge their at risk of being short-changed. published a similar list in 2006. Steinberg told Varsity “OCR goes own shadow”. Professor Bill Fitzger- The Higher Education Policy There are concerns that such to great lengths to ensure that Communication ald, head of research at the Depart- Institute report shows that whilst a list might have an effect on ac- the standard of all A-Levels is studies ment of Engineering’s Signal Process- the average student in England cess programmes. Dr Brendan equivalent” and suggested that ing Laboratory, lead the research for spends around 25 hours a week Burchell who is responsible for the Russell Group’s decision to this product and found it to be 98.4 working, Cambridge students who Magdalene’s access scheme, often treat qualifi cations differently Dance per cent effective in recognizing adult achieved a fi rst or 2:1 put in an av- fi nds that students “think they’ve is indicative only of the “person- internet abusers with sexual motives. erage of 41.9 hours’ work. The di- al views of admissions tutors.” Design and It is not clear how such research was vide is most marked between the The admissions controversy has conducted. One student, who wished Russell Group’ of twenty top uni- deepened following a report by technology to remain anonymous, told Varsity “I versities and the institutions that “It may well be the Sutton Trust showing what met one of my best friends from my became universities after 1992. that the Russell Sir Peter Lampl, the Trust’s chair- internet blog. I don’t think that meet- CUSU President Mark Fletcher man, calls “alarming” misconcep- Drama and theatre ing people on the internet is always refl ected many students’ assump- Group universities tions amongst state sector teach- studies dreadful - you’ve just got to be care- tion that “employers are fully don’t want ers regarding Oxbridge. A third of ful”. aware of the value of having “Can- state sector teachers questioned Film studies Alex Glasner tab” after your name. Deloitte, one creatively thinking believed that 20% of Oxbridge of the major companies employing students are from the state sector, Cambridge students, undergraduates” while the actual fi gure at Cam- Health and social Beer bottle brawl insists that they bridge is 54%. Almost half said make no distinc- they would “never” or “rarely” care Police were called to the Soul Tree tion between dif- advise their brightest students to nightclub at around midnight on ferent universi- kept their options open, but in apply to Oxbridge. Despite Cam- Home economics Sunday night following an incident ties, while Ernst reality they’ve cut them off” by bridge charging the same fees to at the CUSU-run night Shut Up and and Young’s de- studying a broad range of subjects. undergraduates as almost all uni- Dance. A 19-year-old student was ar- clared Although Dr Geoff Parks, versities in England, 56% thought Information and rested on suspicion of causing actual t h a t Director of Admissions at that it was more expensive. communication bodily harm, having assaulted t h e Cambridge, welcomed the Cambridge has recognised that a fellow student with a bottle. cur- publication of the list, more needs to be done to dispel the technology He was later released in the which would result in “myths and misconceptions” sur- early hours of Monday “students in second- rounding Oxbridge, but although Leisure studies morning with no charge ary schools receiving they underlined the work they do due to insuffi cient evi- better advice,” he to tackle the issue, spending £3 dence. The two parties admitted that the million on access annually, they of- Media studies involved are said to guidelines were “a fered no new ideas for tackling the have been from Pe- barrier to wider problem. In contrast, Oxford has terhouse and Christ’s, participation” for already started a programme to Music technology but the events leading students who “are inform student teachers about the up to the attack remain not receiving ap- fi nancial support and opportuni- Performance unclear. propriate advice ties available to Oxford students. Isabel Shapiro when choosing their But Cambridge Admissions studies A-level subjects”. implied that the cause of the mis- French Invasion But Prof. John conceptions lies outside the Uni- Performing arts Ellis, head of Me- versity. Dr. Geoff Parks noted A Magdalene marshal has alerted dia Arts at Royal that teachers are the “key infl u- students to a mystery man acting Holloway, claimed encers” of young people; “It is Photography strangely around college. Sepa- that list suggests vital that the advice they give rate reports have been made, both an “implied snob- is based on up-to-date and accu- Physical education sighting the suspicious behaviour bery” within uni- rate information,” he said. Mike of a man who is thought to be versities. He argued Robinson, the Admissions Of- French. He has been described as that the Russell fi cer at Magdalene, revealed that Sports studies a white middle-aged male of stocky Group should be teachers on College open days build, dressed in a red check shirt, concentrating on “have openly said to their stu- Travel and tourism a dark lumber jacket and a white encouraging chang- dents “This place isn’t for you.” Peter Lampl head scarf. The second sighting es to the subject’s was said to be a scruffy man of syllabus, and that similar description, wearing white gloves. Both individuals were professed to have been speak- 50 ing French at the time of their intrusion. An MML student from Magdalene, is very perturbed: “If Cambridge only I had been there to translate 45 Oxford his mutterings. Only then might 44.8 Warwick we get to the bottom of this.” Liverpool Isabel Shapiro 40 41.4 39.7 40.1

35 36.1

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“The University does need to do more, but can only achieve so much” Friday January 18 2008 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 3

Bristol’s examination Blues » Bristol Grammar pupils sit Cambridge-devised “1858 exam” to celebrate 150th anniversary of exams Katherine Sirrell Geography, the latter-day Tom onstrate their understanding of a Browns were instructed to “de- subject.” Some more essay titles News Editor scribe in words the coastline of The results from the Bristol England from the mouth of the pupils were unavailable at time suggested by the UCLES The sight of Flashman fag-roast- Thames to the mouth of the Sev- of going to press, but Varsity ing a selection of small boys over ern” and to “name the towns on challenged current Cambridge 1. Objections have been raised to the Bible, on the ground the fire would hardly have seemed the banks of the Rhone”. In His- undergraduates to sit the ques- incongruous at Bristol Grammar tions relating to their own sub- that some passages are contradictory to Science. Men- on Tuesday afternoon. To ‘cel- jects. Downing Geographer Alex tion any passages objected to on this ground. How would ebrate’ the 150th anniversary Przewozniak scored a miserable you answer all such objections? of the University of Cambridge “Pupils had to 26%, describing the paper as “ab- Long Examinations Syndicate solutely impossible” whilst fel- 2. Discuss the change produced in the habits of the people (UCLES) pupils up and down learn information low map-lover James Trafford by Railways. the country will be subjected to of St Catherine’s (who last year 3. Discuss the difference of English life and manners at a replica 150-year old examina- by heart. Today, came top of Tripos with a double- tion. Bristol Grammar’s exam, examiners require starred 1st) scored a marginally the present time from what they were at any period from overseen by an actor in full early- A.D. 1485 to 1660. students to analyse higher 35%. Victorian schoolmaster’s attire, The Long Examinations Syn- 4. Some persons complain that is it difﬁ cult to believe in will soon be repeated at schools in facts”” dicate was established to raise Warwick, Saffron Walden and Ut- standards in education by inspect- miracles. Show that it is much more difﬁ cult to believe toxeter. These schools were cho- ing schools and administering that Christianity could have been established without sen because they were amongst exams for people who were not them. the first to sit the original exams tory, “date and give the names of members of the University. To- Cambridge’s Science Magazine produced in association with in 1858. the persons principally connected day’s successor to the 1858 exams Eager pupils were tested in with” events such as the “Martyr- are those run by OCR, which is a P r e l i m i n a r y dom of Ridley”, the “Trial and Ex- part of Cambridge Assessment. A r i t h m e t i c , ecution of Strafford” and The head of history at Bristol G e o g r a p h y, the “Capture of Grammar School described the the Outlines Montrose”. experience as “a real eye-opener”. of English History, Celebrations But one sympathetic pupil defi- English Composi- continue with nitely preferred modern teaching tion and the launch of a book on methods: “I just think, those poor Prac- the history of exams, children! If we had classes like t i c a l an online exhibition of this it would definitely discipline Lent 2008 www.bluesci.org Chem- archive material and us more. But I don’t think I would istry. In a visit to Cambridge like it much.” by Prince Philip. The year will end with the anniversary of the first ISSUE 11 UCLES exam on 14 De- cember, when extracts from a collection of Victorian exam questions will be published. OUT NOW Andrew Watts, Director at Cambridge Assessment and author of a chapter on school exams from the board’s commemorative book, believes that standards nowadays are very different: “Pu- pils had Free from to learn vast amounts of in- your Department formation by heart. Today, however, exam- or Porter’s Lodge iners require students t o analyse facts and dem- FOCUS: Synthetic Biology

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News Editors: Clementine Dowley, Richard Sayeed, Isabel Shapiro, and Katherine Sirrell Friday January 18 2008 4 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

Oxbridge shun academies

Richard Power Sayeed of government policy. also quoted Sir Cyril Taylor, the News Editor Mike Younger, Head of the Cam- government’s chief adviser on acad- bridge Faculty of Education, also emies, as suggesting that universi- expressed concerns about academy ties’ expertise lay in “research and Cambridge and Oxford Universities sponsorship. Though “not against development”, and not in “taking have rejected government proposals academies per se”, he feared that over schools”. However, the Univer- that they sponsor academies created there is “considerable state fund- sity told Varsity that the possibility by the 2006 scheme. ing” going to “schools outside public that it might be incapable of run- Cambridge originally justified its control”, and that academy sponsors ning an academy effectively “hasn’t refusal to subsidise these independ- may not receive “sufficient vetting”. even been considered” and that the ent but publicly funded schools by Ed Balls, Secretary of State for Guardian’s claims were “wholly er- highlighting the potential “conflict of roneous”. interest” which could arise when stu- Mike Younger defended the the dents from a Cambridge-sponsored University, arguing that sponsor- academy applied to the University. Cambridge believe ship of an academy is neither neces- However, Lord Harris of Peckham, sary nor desirable. He said that the a Tory donor who has sponsored six academies could Faculty of Education has “built up a academies and the newest Oxford col- very good partnership” with around lege, told Varsity that he was “very distort the market 180 schools in the region, through surprised that Oxbridge don’t want its Postgraduate Certificate in Edu- to sponsor academies”. Lord Harris, cation (PGCE) programme which whose wife is an honorary fellow of “trains teachers and contributes to Lucy Cavendish, said “I sponsor pri- Children, Schools and Families, state education”. Arguing that spon- maries; that doesn’t mean that chil- admitted last month that the gov- soring an academy would spoil the dren from those schools are going to ernment had been “pushing pretty University’s relationship with other get into the secondary academies.” hard” for any universities to spon- schools, Mr Younger said he would But the University argued on sor city academies. At present eight have been “disappointed if the Uni-

Wednesday that the problem with further higher education institutions versity took a position that gave a e v en i n g news Cambridg academy sponsorship is “not so much have taken up the offer. privileged position to two or three of a conflict of interest, but more that Cambridge has said that it is con- these schools.” it would distort the local market.” sidering “limited involvement” with After the Oxbridge refusal to Since the aim of the Government’s academies, but University docu- sponsor an academy was leaked to Academies scheme is to encourage ments leaked to The Guardian men- the press, head teachers from local competition between schools, so that tion the potential for “failure of the Rorke’s Biro schools contacted Mike Younger to unpopular schools close, this could academy [and] private sponsorship express their support and approval be interpreted as a veiled criticism difficulties”. The Guardian article for the University’s decision. Isabel Shapiro and a police report issued on December 14 News Editor 2007 said that the pen was of ‘huge senti- An engineer who stole a historic mental value’. Harmer Zulu pen from University Library told the Cambridge has been shopped to the police by Magistrates Court last his vengeful ex-girlfriend. Wil- Thursday that he took liam Harmer, of Comberton, Cam- the pen as recompense bridge, took the “unique object” for docked holiday pay from the Cambridge University he believed he should Library whilst working there as have received. Now a book-runner between 2002 and aged 22 and a qualified 2004. mechanical engineer, The theft remained undiscov- he described his behav- ered until Harmer’s ex-girlfriend iour as “totally stupid”, and attributed it to im- maturity. Gregory Hayman, a Harmer described spokesman for the Uni- versity, said that “the his behaviour as appropriate checks had “totally stupid” been carried out” on Harmer. He mentioned that ‘a certain amount Discover of trust must be placed apparently tipped off police in an in staff’. act of revenge after their relation- The presiding mag- ship ended. Police then found the istrate Elaine Durham historical stationary in a drawer fined former scout lead- UBS Intern Opportunities in Harmer’s home on December er Harmer £250 plus 12. Experts have valued the pen £75 in costs. The pen UBS is one of the world’s leading financial firms. Among the foremost global wealth managers, at between £1000 and £10,000, but has since been restored described its historical signifi- to the University Li- we are also a top-tier investment bank, one of the largest global institutional asset managers and a leading cance as “priceless”. It was used brary. DC Henry Wiley bank for Swiss corporate and individual clients. to sign the Treaty of Ulundi on said that the police are September 1 1879, which ended “very pleased to be able We offer summer internship opportunities in Equities, Finance, Fixed Income & Money Markets, Currencies the Anglo-Zulu war, famous for to reunite it with its and Commodities, Global Asset Management, Human Resources, Information Technology, battles such as that at Rorke’s rightful owner”. Drift. Despite efforts to Investment Banking Department, Chief Operating Office, Legal and Compliance, Operations, Rachel Rowe, of the Royal Com- contact Harmer’s ex- Risk and Wealth Management. monwealth Society, said that the girlfriend by Varsity, pen was “yet to be catalogued in she remained unavail- Applications are accepted from all degree disciplines. Your personality and intellect are more important detail” but was a “unique object”, able for comment. than your academic discipline. We look for initiative, an open mind and client focus.

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studies promising the formula for a Caitlin Breeze longer life. Similar research projects include the 1999 Neurology study Drinking in moderation, not smok- which advocated marriage in order ing, eating fi ve portions of fruit and to live longer, and the University of vegetables a day and exercising could Pittsburgh Medical Center’s ‘church- extend your lifespan by 14 years, going’ study, which concluded that claimed a recent study led by Kay- weekly attendance at religious serv- Tee Khaw, Professor of Clinical Ger- ices upped your life expectancy. Pro- ontology in Cambridge and Fellow of fessor Khaw argues her study differs Gonville and Caius. from the rest in that it simply aimed A team of academics monitored to quantify the effects of making 20,244 healthy 45-79 year-old men “simple, feasible changes within the and women in Norfolk over eleven usual range of daily activity and life- years, gathering information on their style”. But the healthy living website lifestyle habits from a series of ques- The Daily Green was more sceptical, tionnaires. The participants were stating that “there’s nothing earth graded on a simple points scale be- shattering here”, a sentiment which a tween 0 and 4, which award them one Cantabrigian Nat-sci echoes: “It’s not point for each of the four healthy hab- exactly news to us, is it?” its they incorporated into their lives. It is more than probable that the After noting the mortality rate at the student lifestyle wouldn’t score so end of experiment, researchers con- highly on Khaw’s scale, so should we cluded that people who scored zero all write our wills and prepare our- were four times more likely to have selves for imminent death? Professor died than those whose lifestyle ticked Khaw stressed that the study applied all four boxes. Perhaps even more to middle-aged and older people and shockingly, the research also sug- Professor Kay-Tee that the results could be different for gests that a person with zero points, Khaw: increase students. As of yet, Khaw’s research and who lived in blissful ignorance your life span by cannot confi rm whether a permanent of all these health measures, had the 14 yearts lifestyle overhaul could turn back the same risk of dying as somebody four- hands of time and give us a new lease teen years older with top marks. of life. Nevertheless, the fi ndings of It would be easy to dismiss these this study may just give us that extra fi ndings as yet another hyped-up incentive to stick to our soon forgot- story in a media awash with scientifi c ten new year’s resolutions.

Pembroke go vegan 5HJLVWHU a close second to St Catharine’s Isabel Shapiro as the fi rst fair-trade accredited News Editor Cambridge college, Harwood can RQOLQH now claim to have created “the A pioneering catering manager fi rst and only cafeteria of its kind from Oregon has introduced a in the country.” unique new menu at Pembroke But for those of us who are more QRZ buttery. The ambitious departure inclined to shirk vegan fare and from standard hall fodder was hot-foot it to the Van of Life, Har- ZZZFIHOMEVFDPDFXN made earlier this week and has wood is keen to point out he hasn’t quickly come to be known as “Su- done away with all indulgences. per Trough”, a phrase coined by “We provide individual sachets of Pembroke students. butter and pots of grated cheese for Inspired by his Spanish wife those who want them”, and there and following Jamie Oliver’s lead, are still a few of the old favourites; David Harwood has created a chips and puddings alongside the free-range feast of vegan tapas new spread. to boost the brainpower and trim The queues were long and the the waistlines of Pembroke stu- plates scraped clean, so what do dents. Diners choose two or three Pembrokians make of it? “It’s dishes from an impressive array amazing!” shouts a satisfi ed veg- of dairy-free vegetarian options, gie. Her fellow diner is slightly made from locally sourced and more skeptical: “I feel sorry for free-range produce. From sushi to whoever’s got to do all the washing the more authentic patatas bravas, up. It’s the same as before, but in all tastes are catered for. Running smaller dishes.” +RZWR WXUQ\RXULGHDV LQWRUHDOLW\

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Pembroke students eagerly await new 9HQXH8QLYHUVLW\RI&DPEULGJH¶V(QJLQHHULQJ menu 'HSDUWPHQW7UXPSLQJWRQ6WUHHW /7 News Editors: Clementine Dowley, Richard Power-Sayeed, Isabel Shapiro and Katherine Sirrell Friday January 18 2008 6 NEWS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

Landlords lash out » Cambridge students have been left disgusted and upset at their treatment by local pub landlords » In two separate incidents, students enjoying drinks at the Fort St George and The Mill were physically and verbally abused

Isabel Shapiro and Clementine The following day Bill Hains- venturing to guess that he may Dowley worth, Operations Director of the have used “excessive language.” A Passionate Pubs Company which fellow barman claimed not to have owns The Mill, told Varsity that witnessed the event, but added The Mill McCann is “no longer part of the “I just heard the shouting from business” and is “suspended pend- out the back, while I was having Luke Barbanneau, an undergradu- ing a full company investigation.” a fag”. McLister has refused to ate suffering from Cerebral Palsy, It has since been revealed that comment. However, a source has was with friends at The Mill on McCann has received a police cau- revealed to Varsity that having Monday when he was accused of tion for assault. recently handed in his resignation, faking his disability and physically he will leave the Fort St George assaulted by landlord Julian Mc- The Fort St George next month. Cann. Barbanneau told Varsity: “The Four individuals, who wish to Hypocrisy owner came over and talked to us. remain anonymous, claim to have He seemed drunk, but friendly. suffered a “torrent of abuse” from Both the Mill and the Fort He asked who looked after me and landlord Ronan McLister as they St George are members of the I replied that I looked after my- enjoyed a quiet drink at the Fort Cambridge branch of the national self.” Having walked away from Pubwatch scheme run by licen- the table looking“perturbed”, Mc- sees to guard against disorderly Cann later returned, and “with- and criminal behaviour in pubs. out warning” picked Barbanneau “I hope you fall off When the Cambridge News up by the collar and dragged him reported this week that drink along the floor. Ian Corder, who your bikes and die” induced incidents in local pubs witnessed part of the assault, are soaring, Tracy Ferguson, the reports seeing Barbanneau “lying manager of the Fort St George on the floor by the door.” St George last week. and singled out as a leading mem- According to onlookers, Mc- As the four were about to leave, ber of Pubwatch, commented with Cann thought that Barbanneau they were questioned as to why concern: “It is very difficult to was pretending to be disabled. they had no drinks. Several bever- prevent incidents happening.” Mischa Foxell, a friend of Barban- ages had already been bought by But what if it is the publicans, neau, said that McCann “repeat- the party over the course of the not their patrons, who cause the edly yelled that Luke was ‘playing evening. Despite their protesta- problems? PC Peter Sinclair from a game’ even when my friends tion, the group alleges that the the Cambridge Licensing Author- and I pointed out his mobility landlord began to swear at them ity told Varsity: “Where there’s scooter.” She added “It was ap- “in a drunken fashion.” been questionable behaviour from palling to see him being treated They claim he shouted: “Fuck licensees in the past, Pubwatch like that.” off you fucking bony-arsed c--ts!”, have taken a very dim view.” The ‘Boycott The Mill’, a facebook and proceeded to remove their Licensing Authority is dealing Grand Arcade opening date set group created following the table and to attempt to push one with the complaint made against incident, currently stands at 1,000 girl towards the door. The group the Fort St George. The Grand Arcade shopping centre is due to open in ten weeks’ time. The members. feels that they were particularly Elsewhere, other Cambridge £240 million centre will contain fifty-two new shops including large retailers When Varsity visited The Mill targeted because of their student landlords are eager to stress the entirely new to Cambridge such as Ted Baker, LK Bennet, Swarovski, Hobbs, on Tuesday evening, McCann left status and the fact that they value they place in their student Phase Eight, G-star, The White Company, Coast, Jane Norman and Hugo Boss, the premises in visible distress. had been talking about books. drinkers. Vincent Castiglione, as well as restaurants such as Carluccio’s, Costa Coffee and Starbucks. Topshop Asked where he had gone, his McLister is said to have declared who has run his pub The Maypole will open as a three-story shop, complimenting the new designer stores with bar staff joked “he’s in his office”, “This is not a library. It isn’t Star- with his father Mario for the past high-street bargains which Lidia de Luca, the Arcade’s Marketing Manager, showing reporters to the Granta bucks” and on their exit from the 25 years, thinks such aggressive hopes “will put fashion back on the map in Cambridge.” Laurence Chadwick, Bar next door. Standing at the pub, “I hope you fall off your bikes behaviour from fellow publicans retail Projects Director at Grosvenor believes that “the Grand Arcade has al- bar with a drink in hand, McCann and die.” is “absolutely crazy.” The Cas- ready delivered significant benefits to the city and we all await the opening in gave an “off the record” but in In response to these allega- tigliones have rarely had trouble March 2008.” Not everyone is so positive, however. One local resident recently depth account of the incident, an tions, one barman from the Fort with their university locals and complained that “there is no need for more shops or parking spaces and they act he feels was reprehensible. St George, who was not present Vincent assures: “Most students detract from the ambience that the buildings and cobbled streets create. Cam- Devastated, desperate and close at the event, seemed unsur- are extremely nice people.” bridge should not be commercialised.” to tears, he asked Varsity report- prised and distinctly amused by Hannah Marshall ers to leave. his employer’s behaviour, even Friday January 18 2008 Got a news story? varsity.co.uk/news 01223 337575 NEWS 7

Cambridge on the rocks

Toto Reissland-Burghart miles away in Peterborough. sible for operating the temporary the possibility of a permanent rink, Following the success of the ice skat- A Facebook group set up by Cam- rink, organised a questionnaire over some have expressed concern at the ing on Parker’s Piece this Christmas, bridge students in 2006 “demanding Christmas which claimed there was a environmental impact such a devel- the University ice hockey team coach that the university give us an ice “clear demand for a permanent rink”. opment will have. Professor Bill Harris is spearheading rink”, points out that “we would do Of the 38,000 skaters who visited According to Michael Buick of a campaign for a permanent ice rink. a lot better in kicking the dark blues the temporary rink on Parkers Piece Climate Care, the average ice rink He wants one to be included in the arses in Varsity ice hockey if we between 24 November 2007 and 6 emits 900 tonnes of carbon dioxide North West Cambridge Area Action could actually play in Cambridge”. It January 2008, 90% stated that they a year, the equivalent of flying from Plan. also claims that in 1989 the Univer- wanted a permanent rink, with 41% London to New York 600 times. Harris, whose own father led the team sity was left £1 million to fund an ice going so far as to say that they would However, Cambridge City Council to victory in the Varsity cup match of rink for the city’s students, which has visit it more than once a month. said that they will adhere to their 1913, pointed out that despite being remained unspent to this day. Depending on the success of the environmental strategy when consid- one of the oldest ice hockey teams in Local residents have greeted proposals, Cambridge could have ering all new developments. But Pro- the world and able to trace its roots Harris’ campaign with enthusiasm. a permanent rink within 3 years. fessor Harris remains undeterred, back to 1885, the nearest ice rink on Lizzie Davidson, owner of Cam- While the majority of students and insisting that “Cambridge is eventu- which CambridgeRedgate_Bluesci_fullpage_MD.pdf can train is over 04/10/2007 40 bridge 03:07:25 on Ice, the company respon- local residents have eagerly greeted ally going to have an ice rink”.

Queens’ Liquid troubles A certain Queens’ gent, infamous for innumerable previous disgrac- es, surpassed them all in the space of a few weeks over the Christmas break. On the Varsity trip he dis- tinguished himself by first seduc- ing a girl, conveniently dressed as Jane of the Jungle, and subse- quently consumating their new- found relationship. During this process, suspecting a higher than normal level of moisture downstairs, said Romeo looked down to discover blood everywhere - his own. It soon dawned on him that a certain portion of his johnson (‘banjo string’, fact fans) had been severed. It allegedly took some Your career is weeks to recover. Some weeks later, on the Queens’ Ski Trip, the same chap, after a heavy night on the lash, fell asleep no laughing on his bed. In the middle of the night, when nature called, he stood up and pissed on the aforemen- matter. tioned bed. Undeterred, he jumped back into the sodden bed and spent the rest of the night there. As if this wasn’t enough, he soiled himself again a few days later. In hisC own words, “My trousers didn’t smell of piss, but my jumper did.”M

Watch this space - we suspect thisY won’t be the last of his misadven- tures. CM Trinity Hall MY

CY Ice cold comedian CMY

A smitten young student took hisK city-slicking lover for an afternoon of wintry wonder at Somer- set House. Holding his sweetheart tight and strutting his stuff on the rink, he thought he’d struck gold, Torvill and Dean style. Until, that is, with one over ambitious figure of eight, he let his partner go flying. Hours in A&E and one severe case of concussion later, the hap- less Casanova was cruelly shunned for his perilous pretence of skating prowess. Red Gate Software is the ideal place to kick-start your career. Wolfson Ranked 8th in The Sunday Times ‘Best Small Companies to A warm response Work For’, we offer small company culture with big aspirations. An unfortunate dame, moved to a state of intoxication by her boyfriend with some interesting cigarettes, found herself the next For your opportunity to shine contact us at www.red-gate.com morning sleeping naked beside his best mate. Before she could fully or call careers on 01223 438556 comprehend her error, she heard the voice of her bedfellow’s girlfriend loudly demanding to be let in, and found herself bundled into a cupboard. Several minutes later, Red Gate Software Ltd. when his ‘true-love’ had left, the St John’s Innovation Centre, t: +44 (0)870 160 0037 ext.8556 brute opened the closet, only to Cowley Road, Cambridge f: +44 (0)870 063 5117 find that his new trick had made CB4 0WS United Kingdom e: [email protected] her revenge: she was asleep in the www.red-gate.com ingeniously simple tools cupboard, surrounded by a pool of urine. Something to say? Friday January 18 2008 8 EDITORIAL&LETTERS [email protected] varsity.co.uk/news

Le t t e r s [email protected]

Teacher training tions about admissions. In addition, many Colleges offer teachers the chance to come Sir, on short study visits in the vacations, where Issue 668, 18 January 2008 they can stay in a College free of charge and It is surprisingly common at Cambridge to use University facilities for their own study hear that someone’s teacher or school not or research. only didn’t support them during their application but also tried actively to discour- Given the rather lukewarm account of our age them from applying. At least when widening participation work given in the A first class scam the story is told here we have the comfort national press, I hope Varsity readers are of knowing that the application succeeded interested to hear that so much is already There is a certain class of villain that attracts admiration. Such anyway, but what about the numerous oth- being done to try and dispel misconcep- ers who perhaps took that advice and didn’t tions about Oxbridge among state school individuals are usually confined to the realm of fiction: Thomas apply, or whose applications were weakened teachers. Crown, Flashman, and to a lesser extent Sean Connery in Entrap- because their school wasn’t able or willing to help them in the right way? Yours faithfully, ment. But in the last few days, a new character has entered this Coupled to the other side of the story - infamous canon. The ludicrously named ‘Baron Knowth’, a char- those who simply wouldn’t be here without Hanna Weibye the support and encouragement of one or HE Access Officer tered account, who admits he bought his title and lives in the tax- several teachers - it is clear that teach- Pembroke & St Catherine’s College free haven of Monaco, duped a string of Oxbridge colleges, as well ers are absolutely vital to the university’s efforts to attract more applications from Strange white substance as the vulnerable people on which he preyed, with his brainchild, state school students. After all, just one the Irish International University. dedicated teacher making the effort to Sir, identify and support potential candidates The scam was an exemplary diplay of style over substance. can lead to a steady stream of applicants For the past three years I have observed Given the right backdrop, the appearance of authenticity - the IIU from that school, whereas a teacher with small mounds of white powderplaced at negative stereotypes of Oxbridge can put the base of many lamp-posts around the was accredited by QAC-UK Ltd and listed on the Department for off generations of students. Teachers are city, and so far I have singularly failed to Children, Schools and Families’ website - and an industrial supply no more immune than pupils to prejudice discover the reason for them. Perhaps you, (as last week’s Sutton Trust-funded MORI or one of your readers, could shed some of mortar boards and flowing gowns, it demonstrated the power poll showed), and their perceptions are not light on this mysterious phenomenon, or the of illusion. The Baron’s immortal and immoral genius is the entre- helped by the media’s consistently unhelp- identity of the powder itself? preneurial instinct that led him to take advantage of this fact. This ful portrayal of our “biased” admissions process. Yours curiously, man is obviously intelligent, enterprising and wily, skills highly J Parish sought after by employers. He may be a crook, but he’s a damn Downing College clever one. A penny for your thoughts

Sir,

A-Level playing field The concept of pennying is familiar to many That is why it is extremely encouraging Cambridge students. Does anyone know The Russell Group has issued a list of ‘soft’ subjects. It is not that Cambridge is focusing more effort anything of the origins of this habit and than ever on winning over teachers. Last whether it is exclusive to Cambridge? without cause. One target, Home Economics, appears to have week saw a very successful one-day teach- been plucked from the world of finishing schools and dropped into ers’ conference organised for the third Yours faithfully, year running by schools liaison officers at modern secondary education. Meanwhile, a sample examination several Colleges. It was attended by over A Wilson paper from Edexcel in Leisure Studies begins with the scenario of 30 teachers, who were given information Darwin College a recent graduate who is looking for employment locally. The first on the admissions process by experienced Admissions Tutors and schools liaison staff, Letters of the week will receive a bottle of wine from our task, for eights marks, asks candidates to “identify how Cath could as well as practical advice on identifying friends at Cambridge Wine Merchants. and encouraging applicants and writing ref- find suitable job opportunities and explain why”. It is an A Level erences. They stayed in student rooms in less in Leisure Studies than Common Sense. Those who criticise participating Colleges, ate meals in Hall and Correction were given a university tour that included The sub-headline of Professor Simon Baron-Cohen’s the compilers of the list should focus their attention on the exam lecture theatres, labs and libraries. Even essay, ‘Sex Differences in Mind’ (Issue 663), misled some boards and not the universities themselves, where dumbing-down those teachers who arrived asking challeng- readers into thinking his address at the Triple Helix event in October 2007 was controversial. In fact, there is rife. The 1858 exam paper, this week taken by students of Bris- ing questions left enthused, and feedback was broad agreement on the panel of speakers that sex has been so positive that the same event is differences are indeed found, especially in the field of tol Grammar School to celebrate the 150th anniversary of the being run again in April. Next week teach- mathematics at higher levels, where the sex ratio is about ers from the east of England are coming fourteen males to every one female; the published essay Cambridge Assessment Board, represents the lofty peaks from was clear that assumptions about mind cannot be based to Newnham to give their opinions on the on sex; and the author believes that the disproportionate which they have fallen. Low standards have forced universities to University’s outreach work and will again number of males in hard science and mathematics may discriminate. Raising them is the only solution. have the opportunity to ask their own ques- reflect a mix of social and biological factors.

Varsity has been Cambridge’s independent student newspaper since 1947, and distributes 10,000 free copies to every Cam- bridge college and to ARU each week.

Editors Tom Bird and George Grist [email protected] Associate Editor Ed Cumming [email protected] Cu p i d ’s Co r n e r News Editors Clementine Dowley, Richard Sayeed, Isabel Shapiro and Katherine Sirrell [email protected] Seen someone you like? recognise a description? Comment Editor Asad Kiyani [email protected] Features Editors Tash Lennard and Josh Sutton features@ varsity.co.uk Arts Editors Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley [email protected] Sport Editors Henry Stannard and Email [email protected] Luke Thorne [email protected] To the happy hat wearer looking fit YOUR NAME WAS Senior News Reporter Emma Inkester [email protected] Science Editor Kevin Koo [email protected] on the 15th - you left me all tied up KATIE, we sat together at Pembroke Fashion Editors Beatrice Perry and Olivia Sudjic [email protected] Visual Arts Editor Anna Trench visualarts@ in M&S, maybe I could tie you up in formal. Your smile lit up the hall but varsity.co.uk Theatre Editor Alex Reza [email protected] Literature Editor Ned Hercock literature@varsity. S&M? ;-) I never asked for your number. Fancy co.uk Film Editor Ravi Amaratunga [email protected] Music & Listings Editors Daniel Cohen, Oli Robinson and Flirty at Fitz dinner again sometime? Verity Simpson [email protected], [email protected] Classical Editor Toby Chadd [email protected] Magdalene Food & Drink Editor Guy Stagg [email protected] You were in Gardies after Queens’ Chief Subeditor Jane Hall [email protected] Chief Photo Editor Jason Taylor [email protected] Ent dressed as a postbox. I’ll put myself TO THE SHORT-HAIRED blonde in 3rd Chief Photographers Dylan Spencer-Davidson and Lizzie Robinson [email protected] through your slot if you can pay for the year family law lectures. I don’t hear a Business & Advertising Manager Michael Derringer [email protected] Company Secretary Patricia Dalby postage. word when I see you sitting so close. [email protected] Board of Directors Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof Peter Robinson, Tom Walters, Amy Pembroke Want to get any closer? Goodwin (Varsoc President), Chris Wright, Michael Derringer, Joe Gosden, Natalie Woolman, Tom Bird, George Trinity Hall Grist You were passed out outside Cindies - I wanna be the one to resuscitate you. TO FIT 3RD YEAR BIOLOGIST, you NEWSPAPERS Varsity Publications, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 Christ’s helped me find a book the UL. I could SUPPORT 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications repay the favour if you like! RECYCLING also publishes BlueSci, The Cambridge Globalist and The Mays. ©2008 Varsity Publications Ltd. Recycled paper made YOUR JACK WILLS gilet at the Pitt Club Hughes Hall up 80.6% of the raw All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system material for UK newspapers in 2006 or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or made my collar stick up. What say I take NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Mortons Print Ltd — Newspaper RECYCLING you to Rock? House, Morton Way, Horncastle, Lincolnshire LN9 6JR. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office. St John’s Friday January 18 2008 Write for this section varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] DEBATE 9

the varsity DEBATE The Setup: Last week, immigration ofﬁ cers removed a Ghanaian cancer patient from the UK. At one time a student in Wales, Ama Sumani, overstayed her visa and worked illegally before being taken ill two years ago. In need of a bone marrow transplant she cannot afford, she has been on dialysis. Access to dialysis in Ghana is limited and expensive. Without it, doctors fear she will die within weeks. The Question: Should she have been removed? Adrian Pascu-Tulbure Ed Maltby

fi nd myself in rather bad company when marrowYes transplant, to which she was never ’mNo amazed that it’s even necessary to If we don’t sentence this widow to a defending the authorities’ decision to entitled. Furthermore, medical treatment have this argument. Surely the fact painful death, won’t the UK look like a ‘soft remove Ama Sumani from the United in Accra is expensive but available, and as a that it is possible for the government touch’ on immigration? Won’t we suddenly Kingdom. Indeed, a quick Google search member of Ghana’s own national health sys- to send someone abroad to face certain be fl ooded by immigrants demanding free Ireveals that my main support seems to come tem, she would have been treated – albeit Ideath should serve as a damning indict- healthcare? Well, no. People leave their from the BNP website, with the headline, with a bigger bill. The debate has already ment of current immigration law? Surely countries and come to ours for good reasons. “Ghanaian NHS Sponger Deported: How become one of economics, not of morals: the deportation (‘removal’ – if she survives the “Student Scam” Works. Quite. cutting remarks about “health tourism” long enough, she is entitled to make another It is perhaps easy to see why. For a start, seem in less bad taste. application for entry) of a terminally ill removing Ms Sumani defi es the British Indeed, in looking at the specifi cs of Ms woman is one of those ludicrously obscene “Who could look at the notion of themselves as a hospitable people, Sumani’s case, there are many ambiguities acts that no-one could regard as a sane with the Good Samaritan looming large in which, while not saying anything about and just measure? Who could look at the summary execution of a the national list of role models. Moreover, her in particular, risk creating a worrying summary execution of a sick woman for no sick woman for no crime it looks worryingly as if the Government precedent. She came to Britain in 2003 as a crime other than being foreign and think is picking the easy targets: if Britain has a visitor and soon changed her status to that “good job, the system works”? And yet this other than being foreign problem with immigration, as conventional of a student. Her lack of English, however, isn’t an aberration or a malfunction of the wisdom suggests, then removing Ms Sumani prevented her from pursuing her banking system, this is the logical conclusion of New and think ‘good job, the hardly seems to be grabbing the bull by the course and, contravening her visa’s terms, Labour’s policy of, as John Reid put it in horns. Not least, there is the concern that she worked. In 2005, her student visa was 2007, “making life this country ever more system works’?” supporting Ms Sumani’s removal makes one revoked but she remained in the country, uncomfortable and constrained for those seem like a right-wing nutter, utterly devoid failing to make contact with immigration who come here illegally.” of compassion, rather like Tory Boy from the offi cials. In 2006, several months on, she was Wherever people are, they’re still people. If they’re personally facing serious poverty, Fast Show: not, despite CUCA’s best efforts, fi rst taken ill. Who’s to say, therefore, that One’s visa status shouldn’t come into this political repression or other intractable a good look. she is defi nitely not the “scrounger” and equation. Wherever a person may be, if problems, hearing about the UK’s tough So should she have been put on the plane perpetrator of the “student scam” of which they’re sick, they deserve treatment. That’s stance on immigration is unlikely to deter to Accra? It does not make sense to say the BNP accuses her? the basis on which the NHS was founded. It them. Equally, hearing about a relaxation she should not get NHS treatment because It’s unprovable and perhaps unproduc- was not a liberal invention, designed to win of immigration law in the UK is not going tive to decide one way or the other, but the a particular national advantage for Britons. to encourage someone to leave their home point is very much an important one: should It was won by the workers’ movement, who otherwise doesn’t have to. If you have Ms Sumani be allowed to stay, her case will and as such was not founded on a notion of to run, you have to run. If we seriously want “It makes a lot of sense doubtlessly be used as a precedent – and not a ‘social contract’ or some sort of a quid- to discourage people from coming to the always in honourable cases. As an immigrant pro-quo with the state. It was built on the UK, surely that means that we’d have to to say that within a NHS myself, I know full well that some of us will back of basic human solidarity. It was built guarantee them more barbarous treatment use and abuse anything to gain access to the on the recognition that in the midst of the than what they’re fl eeing from? If we don’t system strained to the country of our dreams. vast material wealth of advanced industrial want to appear an attractive destination for Offi cially speaking, then, Ms Sumani society, it is obscene to refuse treatment to the world’s poor, then we will have to make limits and chronically should go. She can get a transplant in the sick. There is nothing complicated here, it clear that nowhere else on earth will give under-funded, priority Ghana though not in Cardiff, she has on no moral conundrum. If a sick person fi nds you a more cruel and miserable reception separate occasions contravened the terms themselves in a hospital, whoever they are, than the UK. We’d have to put ourselves goes to your own patients.” of her visa, and the precedents established they have a right to expect treatment, inde- in competition with other EU states to see by letting her stay are open to abuse. Yet pendent of any other considerations. who can threaten the worst treatment for we still feel some distaste at ordering her But isn’t the NHS stretched to break- their immigrant population. The ‘soft touch’ to leave, due in no small part to the fact ing point as it is? It under-funded. But argument is useless, unless you want to that it simply looks ugly to have deserted given that the government appears to have accept a decline into barbarism. But maybe she has not contributed to it through taxes: her in her hour of need. limitless cash to fund several wars, renew some of us don’t have a problem with that. neither, by the same reasoning, has a new- Though fewer would admit it, we also feel Trident, bail out disastrous PFI schemes More brutality won’t stop immigration born baby. It makes a lot of sense, however, distaste perhaps because we are ashamed at and failed privatisations; and given that into the UK, but it will make the lives of to say that within a NHS system strained the state of our medical system which cannot current top-rate income tax and corporation the UK’s hundreds of thousands of illegal to the limits and chronically under-funded, cope with the needs of British citizens, let tax are at their lowest levels in some dec- migrants like Ama Sumani nasty, brutish priority goes to your own patients. That is alone those of other countries; because we ades, it does seem a little rich to claim that and short. The only thing which can halt logical reasoning and logical economics – are acutely embarrassed at the disparity of “too many foreigners” is the reason that the mass migration is an end to the economic not bad for a rule of thumb. Delving deeper wealth which causes so many to stake all NHS is short of cash. If there are British and political crises which cause people to into the case, it would be cruel and immoral on coming to Britain; and, because we are people on the waiting list for dialysis, then fl ee their homes. The shocking and arbi- to send Ms Sumani to that favourite phrase forced to realise that Hamlet’s solution of be- we should buy more equipment and medi- trary violence which is the corollary of the of commentators, “almost certain death”. ing “cruel, only to be kind” has its modern- cines, and train more doctors. The idea that government’s ‘tough stance’ on immigration Yet Ms Sumani’s treatment in the UK was day parallels. Removing Ms Sumani is not we should respond to temporary shortages is useless and indefensible. Ama Sumani’s life-prolonging, not life-saving: the only the kindest solution, nor the prettiest one; in medical materiel by deporting patients is deportation is without justifi cation, and it is cure for her malignant myeloma is a bone but it is the right one. just absurd. beneath contempt. Who wins? You decide. Text ‘Varsity Yes’ or ‘Varsity No’ to 60300. (Standard network charges apply) Comment editor: Asad Kiyani Friday January 8 2008 10 COMMENT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/comment

Ed Maltby Our casino economy The Northern Rock fiasco means we must nationalise the City

After this year’s traditional festive n eerie silence has fallen. speculation. well, who knows? Any bank could This could get extremely bad. If a binge of food, alcohol and faux- The banks and politicians Many people also buy shares in have bought a bundle of debt which couple of big banks such as Barclays goodwill, how did you feel? Fat? have stopped lying to us companies which trade in CDOs, contained some bad mortgages, or or HSBC were to take a tumble, Poor? Unhappy? Probably some about the financial crisis, betting that the company’s bets will hold shares in someone who was the government wouldn’t be able to sort of combination of all three. Aand are now meekly battening pay off. In this way, one person’s exposed to bad mortgages. guarantee their customers’ savings, Since when did Christmas become down the hatches. Running the debt can wind up doing hundreds of That’s what happened with the and thousands of people would be such a drag? Answer: it always has world economy as a giant casino things at once – being bought here, sub-prime crisis, when loads of penniless. Investments would be been, at least in the twentieth cen- was always a very bad idea, and funding the purchase of shares dirt-poor mortgage holders in the abruptly ripped out of hundreds of tury context of the commercialisa- now the ruling class is having to there, and paying out a dividend US started defaulting. The banks businesses. Many jobs would go. We tion of religion. face up to this fact. to shareholders in not just one but realised no one could really know would all be stuffed. We must consider what we regard Since the 1980s, the Thatcherites several different investment banks. how great anyone’s exposure was, It’s not certain the worst will to be the purpose of a holiday. of the Tory party and New Labour As Marx puts it, “The same piece and decided not to risk lending happen – there might be a mira- Firstly, we can attach some kind of have subordinated pretty much of money can be used ... for various money to anyone at all. cle. But that’s not the point. The duty-based significance to it. For our whole economy (and therefore loans ... Everything in this credit Dramatic as it was, this “sub- real scandal is that we have come instance, Christmas is the time when the jobs and savings accounts of system is doubled and trebled and prime” debacle wasn’t a major this far in the first place. We have we celebrate the birth of Christ. Or millions of ordinary people) to the transformed into a mere phantom shock, and only one relatively small allowed our jobs, our livelihoods, we can regard it as being something mad gambling games played in the of the imagination.” UK bank went under – but even our savings for the future, and our beneficial on a humanistic level, in City. More alarming still, the games Thanks to low interest rates that cost the government £40 billion houses to become chips in someone that we are able to reward ourselves played by banks and investors are (cheap credit means more borrow- to guarantee the life savings of else’s poker game. with stuff and stuff our faces with now of a much more volatile nature ing, so more debt to sell on) and Northern Rock’s customers. To allow the world’s economy food. than before. soaring house prices (people use Much bigger disasters are in to be administered by a secretive All very well and good, but in the The big money these days is in their houses as collateral on loans – game of chance, understood only by end does it weigh up as a positive? “credit derivatives” – a particularly if your house is worth a lot you can a rich elite, that fetishises short- In terms of duty, religion and Christ- risky and opaque invention, which borrow more) credit derivatives term profit and encourages crazy mas are becoming more and more involves bundling up different sorts have gone from nothing ten years risk-taking is more than just foolish like the opposite sides of the same of risk and selling them on. There ago to representing US$26 trillion – it is obscene. coin. Recent figures show that more are various sorts of derivatives. today. The existence of the City is an people do online shopping at Christ- Some are options and futures, An incredible chunk of the world affront to democracy. It makes mas than go to Anglican church which involve betting on what the economy is held up by these phan- chaos and volatility systemic in services, a testament to just how price of a given commodity will be toms. This cheap derivative-sup- our society. Only by placing the vacuous presumptions of celebrating some months down the line. ported credit has also made it easier institutions of finance capital under a ‘religious’ festival are in the face of Others are CDOs, or Collateral- for dread Private Equity pirates transparent, democratic - prefer- relentless consumerism. ised Debt Obligations – which are to buy out perfectly healthy firms, Anna Trench ably international - control, and by On the other hand, it doesn’t bundles of debt. A bank will bundle asset-strip them, sack their staff, store. Interest rates are up and placing the commanding heights necessarily follow that consumers, up mortgages and other debts into and sell them off again for short house prices are falling. All the of the economy in the hands of the pursuing pleasure over religious a package and sell them on: so, in term gain. Amongst private-sector factors which created a ten-year majority of the population, can we obligations, are having a great return for money up front, someone employees, 19% work in companies boom in imaginary money are being eliminate the danger of the kind time either. When the emphasis of else buys the promise of money controlled by Private Equity firms reversed. Increasing US unemploy- of catastrophic crash which today Christmas is shifted away from a to come when (if!) these debts are – that’s 2.8 million people living and ment and rocketing fuel and food threatens to engulf us. moral duty, is it not possible that its paid off. The buyer of this bundle of working under a financial Sword of prices are taking their toll too, and Only by shifting control in this status as a family occasion suffers debts sells them on in turn, in a sort Damocles. many mortgage-holders previously manner can we secure our savings as well? What are we celebrating? of game of hot potato with risky If some mortgage-holders at considered good debtors are start- and pensions, and put the world’s What is there to draw us together? financial assets; and the proceeds the bottom of this pile were to ing to ‘go bad’ and default. It’s not wealth to work for socially con- There are those that would say from this selling and re-selling default on their loans, the rug just the subprime debts that are structive purposes. that there is nothing wrong with finance further investments and would be pulled out from under... starting to look wobbly now. We must nationalise the City. having a secular holiday in a multi- cultural age, but I would posit there is something inorganic about this approach that precludes its viability as David an alternative Christmas. The problem is that consumerism and not Staines A balkan split multiculturalism is the root of this transformation. With consumerism having essentially selfish objectives, Negotiating Kosovan independence is dangerous work Christmas takes on a very different character, with the accumulation of material goods taking primacy over ecently, international atten- racy, the nation-state is irrelevant. Yet the question remains, how can dominated area of Srpska in Bosnia the original significance of the holi- tion has been focusing on By contrast, nationalists tend to the up-swell of Serbian nationalist and Herzegovina is not analogous day, which was centred on the family the current most dynamic exalt the welfare of their own peo- fervour and any Kosovan nationalist to Kosovo. That territory has a – with or without religion. foreign policy issue: the ple above those of all others. excesses be contained? The answer stronger multi-ethnic history. In The principal duty has now Rfinal status talks over the future of More practically, the liberal criti- lies with the EU. Its offer to provide 1994, before the Balkan war, 35% of become foraging for sufficiently Kosovo. This small republic nestles cism of contemporary nationalism is for Kosovo’s defence should prevent the population belonged to minor- expensive presents to sate our at the heart of the Balkans. It has a that when it is invoked, it is normally the outbreak of a conflict between ity communities. Brcko, a district materialistic appetites. Hideous. It 90% ethnic Albanian Muslim popula- to hinder the liberal principle of the two states. As well, the offer of a with an evenly split Serbian- Bos- is surely time to end this charade tion and is seeking to break away international co-operation. Consider road to membership to both (Serbia nian population, is one of the most of crass self-indulgence and abolish from more prosperous Serbia, which the animosity between Poland and sooner) should encourage the foster- peaceful and prosperous in the whole Christmas as a holiday apart from (Kosovo excepted) has a largely Germany that resulted from the Kac- ing of diplomatic ties between them. country. Additionally, extremists those who celebrate it for religious orthodox Christian population. This zynski brothers’ nationalist rhetoric. However, the problem remains on both sides should be kept in reasons. union is the last remnant of the old In the case of Kosovo, the concern that Russian intransigence at the check by the even balance of power Having said that, is being with the Federation of Yugoslavia that ex- is more serious, nationalist rhetoric Security Council is likely to hold up within Bosnia, between Srpska and family really such a blessing? A com- isted prior to the Balkan war of 1992. could foment a new Balkan war. the recognition of Kosovo as a full the Bosniak dominated Bosnia and bination of cold weather and stress Since the last Balkan war in 1999, Liberalism is therefore presented UN member. This will embolden Herzegovina federation. Moreover, from the retail frenzy that often the province has been administered with a problem. It must choose Serbian nationalists, while increasing the offer of dual Serbian- Bosnian starts before people have a day of by the UN. Its recently-elected between two camps of nationalists: feelings of alienation within Kosovan citizenship for the people of Srpska holiday serves to create a pressured democratic government expressed a Kosovans and the Serbians who Serbs towards the international com- is still on the table. This is of great atmosphere that is only aggravated serious intention to declare inde- oppose Kosovo’s independence. The munity. They already feel disaffected significance to Serb nationalists, but by being stuck indoors for several pendence within a short time frame. pillar of the liberal case in favour of from the political process and largely could be blocked by the international days with the same people. People While independence for Kosovo Kosovan independence is the 1992 boycotted the recent elections. community if violence spreads. All in harp on about “quality time, well provides a chance to make a clean referendum, in which an overwhelm- Extreme Kosovan nationalists could all, Srpska and its government have spent.” break with the past, it would also ing majority of the population also orchestrate violence, meaning more to lose than gain from allowing It strikes me as a highly euphe- unleash great anger in Serbia. creat- endorsed independence. there is a distinct possibility that violence to run its course. mistic way to present awkward ing problems for the international Furthermore, the animosity and inter-communal violence could flare Overall, the future looks bright chats with distant and disinter- community. distrust between the groups pre- up. Fortunately, a new EU mission for an independent Kosovo. Serbian ested relatives, who moan about In Britain and Western Europe, vents the state successfully achiev- is expected to take control early this extremists should be kept in check the quality of the wine and steal all economic and social liberalism ing liberal ends, like furthering pros- year. This mission should be able to by strong but even-handed policing the sausage rolls, pervy uncles, and dominates political thinking. This perity and human rights. There is a harness existing goodwill towards from the new EU forces. The olive Jimmy, your seven year-old cousin paradigm is underpinned based on sense in Kosovo that Serbia has lost international forces and the EU and branch of EU membership should with spasmodic pyromania who two basic beliefs: prosperity for the moral authority to govern, and police the situation with sufficient stop the Serbian government from everyone thinks is adorable but who all is regarded by people across a new start is needed. It’s needed care and avoid large scale loss of life straying from the path of peaceful you secretly know to be a twat. A all cultures as the ultimate end of not just for the sake of liberty, but or lasting damage to the political coexistence. As bright as the future friend of mine once said to me, “keep government, and there exist com- to build up social and international process. may be, the Russian position remains your friends close, in case your rela- monly held, universally-applicable order- so Realpolitik Conservatives Finally, Kosovan independ- a problem and a serious flare-up in tives turn out to be bastards.” Truer standards of justice. It follows should support Kosovan independence would not set a destabilising violence remains a possibility: the words were never spoken. that, in a world of universal democ- ence too. precedent for the region. The Serb road remains treacherous. Friday January 8 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/comment [email protected] COMMENT 11

Christmas at Sloth Hall! The friendly familiarity of the menu; the endearing whine let out by the chesterfields in the library as one post-prandially eases into them; the prevailing charm of festive lethargy: just like Cambridge, then, minus the basso continuo of emer- gency excuses explaining the lack of some essay or other. Indeed, possibly the only vague- ly academic assignment carried out over the Christmas vacation were my New Year’s Resolutions, those delicate tracts of self-knowledge and morality which remind one of little more than Christmas wrap- ping paper: trotted out annually in deference to custom and propriety, and then, a few days later, dissected and discarded. Yet this year, gentle readers, I aim to air my resolutions in the hope that such publicity will make my behaviour accountable to them. Then, and only then, will I be able to sort out my life. 1. I shall not take taxis to lectures. I did this several times last year, when I found that I was running late to lectures. I would then ar- rive at Sidgwick, on time but five pounds the poorer, to find that I had no earthly inkling where the lecture (which would consistently not live up to its blurb) was. This was need- less extravagance. From now on, if Jo I ever find myself running late for a lecture, I shall simply go back to Trigg ‘Soft’ A level? Hard luck bed. 2. I shall not damage my lungs The A level blacklist is counterproductive and ill-informed with tobacco. I shall instead smoke cigars, which it is very poor form to inhale. 3. I shall not waste money on drinks in nocturnal watering holes. n the advent of my penultimate term at subject that was my third A level. narrow-mindedness? Had the deeply furrowed The stuff they tend to serve is Cambridge, I officially became a ‘less When Cambridge’s ‘less ideal’ list hit the na- brow of the traditionalist Cantabrigian Don generally of very poor quality, not ideal’ student. I am inferior, according tional media, I wondered whether my ideas of been looming disapprovingly over me when I to say weak. Also, the barmen have to my university, because I took a ‘soft’ what Cambridge sought in an applicant were made my A level choices, I might have chosen a lot to learn about the correct use OA level. I can feel the great cloud of shame mere figments of my imagination. After check- differently, but instead I opted for subjects of whisky. creeping over me as I admit it: Yes, I took an A ing the ‘Guide to Interviews’ on the university which I enjoyed. Stop me if I’m inadequately There is little that cannot be level in Dance, one of twenty-five subjects that website, I can declare myself thankfully sane. qualified to say so, but aren’t ‘enjoyment’ and Cambridge has classified as ‘less effective prep- Listed beneath the sub-title ‘What we are ‘passion’ somewhat synonymous? Why stop aration’ for a degree here. Other Russell Group looking for’ are “a passion for your chosen sixth-formers discriminating between their po- universities are following suit, and although subject; an ability to think independently; en- tential subjects in the same way that Oxbridge “From now on, if I their guidelines claim that studying more thusiasm for complex and challenging ideas”. interviewers do between theirs? than one of these subjects will make students Neither an ability to think in a certain way, These criteria even make it difficult to ever find myself unlikely to gain admission – or, as Cambridge nor passion for your subject are necessarily meet the second of the qualities specified by running late for a puts it, “would not normally be considered to determined by what you already know, so why Cambridge Admissions: independent think- be acceptable” – the damage has already been does it matter that I may not be able to recite ing. How exactly does selecting subjects lecture, I shall simply done to each individual ‘soft’ subject. strategically to fit a narrow list of acceptable When is an ‘A’ level not an ‘A’ level? When A levels demonstrate independent thought? go back to bed.” it’s a nasty, deceptive A level which is actually An increasing number of sixth-formers are a ‘soft’ A level in disguise. The press coverage “When is an ‘A’ level not an being lured to America’s Ivy League because publicising this ‘soft’ label says the Russell it allows them to study a breadth of arts and Group universities are “warning students”, but ‘A’ level? When it’s a nasty, sciences. Employers and universities are remedied, however, by the smug- all that is happening is students are being pe- deceptive A level which is finding it increasingly difficult to distinguish gling in of a hip flask with a really nalised for taking up the opportunities offered between candidates who all have a straight significant quantity of eau-de-vie. to them. Instead of penalising students, the actually a ‘soft’ A level in run of good results. To make their lives harder At any rate, I’d far rather support educational powers that be ought to review all we are, of course, all being told to do the same the struggling owner of a small ter- A level courses to make sure, as their qualifica- disguise.” A levels. Regulations on the conveyor belt at roir in the Cognac region than Mr tion title would suggest, they are all the same the factory of education have just got tighter, and Mrs Ballare. level of difficulty. For if a subject is not suf- and everyone is due to emerge neatly pack- 4. I shall not waste time unneces- ficiently academic to be considered alongside the domestic and foreign policies of Alexander aged and identical – apart from those of us sarily. other A levels for university entrance, why is II of Russia like a good, academically adequate consigned to the discount factory outlets for Instead, I shall devote said time it not an NVQ? candidate, but that I can tell you about Merce our minor irregularities. to considering the necessities of Had I applied this autumn, I would have a Cunningham’s ‘chance’ technique and translate The Russell Group’s blacklisted A levels may taking time off in such a busy, greater chance of being rejected than when I a page of Laban notation? If these so-called or may not be harder than their traditional, ac- thrusting world, which is a far more successfully applied three years ago. It was ‘soft’ subjects equip a student with relevant ademic counterparts, but informed distinctions productive thing to do, really. hard enough then. Having encountered my skills, and if the student can demonstrate this, need to be made between those which do meet 5. I shall never let a woman in interviewer’s face of condescending scepticism why condemn them to the ever-deepening pit the required standards of the A level status my life. when I first applied, I made sure my second of Oxbridge disapproval? and those which do not. Students ought to be This is a nod to Mr Henry Hig- attempt would not be hampered by similar On the subject of disapproval, how is draw- allowed to prove themselves, rather than hav- gins, a man for whom I have deep minority subject prejudice. I affixed a cover- ing up a long list of inadequately academic sub- ing admissions services bar them from an op- respect and who occupies a plum ing letter to my personal statement detailing jects, the large majority of which will be more portunity whose professed requirements they spot in the Idler’s Imaginary Din- exactly what an A level in Dance involved, and commonly available at large state schools than may well meet for the same reasons which ner Table of Good People. why it should be considered advantageous. My small, private ones, going to help Oxbridge disqualify them. An overhaul of the sixth-form There you are, ladies and gentle- impassioned rant seemed to work. By the end shatter its stuffy, elitist image? Couldn’t this education system is long overdue. When and men. I have little doubt that yours of my second interview, after an intelligent dis- increased selectivity be interpreted as an if it finally comes, perhaps this mistrust of will be far more active and worthy cussion about the ostensibly inferior qualifica- increasingly selective awareness of newer non-traditional subjects can be resolved, and lists of gymnasia memberships, tion, my interviewer had concluded Dance had subjects (otherwise known as ignorance)? students will find they can take subjects which summer internships, giving money actually increased my aptitude for my degree Doesn’t a narrow list of acceptable subjects they enjoy without being penalised. Until then, to the homeless and getting on the choice more than the traditional, academic demonstrate an uncanny resemblance to at least let us argue our case. Varsity Hundred. This man is Friedrich Nietzsche. 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“Oh, students have always been lazy. I think it’s ﬁ ne, so long as they’re just using Wikipedia as a starting point and then doing some actual research”

WIKIPEDIA FOUNDER JIMMY WALES TALKS PAGE 14

Gerry O’Boyle turns nasty Page 20

Chas and Dave rabbit on Page 23

Julius Caesar at the ADC Page 24 VIEW Features Editors: Tash Lennard and Josh Sutton Friday January 18 2008 14 VIEWFeatures [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features Jimmy MeetsWorld As Diderot was for the Enlightenment, Jimmy Wales is the father of the encyclopaedia for the modern age. Katy Lee meets the man behind the Wikipedia project to talk trust, techies and vandals.

Lauren hill

n June 2007, a former is spreading across this most laughter when I tell him about conducted over the telephone by writing lucid informative president of the American prestigious of universities. this. “Oh, students have always so that Mr Wales cannot see my entries or by improving exist- Library Association railed “Nothing has reshaped under- been lazy,” he says. “I think incredulous expression. I won- ing articles. Alternatively, you Iagainst Wikipedia.org for its graduate study at Cambridge der what he will think when could click on it and write role in producing “a genera- like the invention of Wikipedia. he inspects the message board, libellous drivel to your heart’s tion of intellectual sluggards org,” the group’s creator writes where one Cambridge student content. Some articles are incapable of moving beyond gleefully. “Gone is the need to “It just turns out boasts, “This essay I’m writing natural targets for chronic the Internet”. Alas, if you were plough through a library of about Vietnam is based entire- vandalism, and frequently have to read the disturbing content monographs in a vain attempt that most people ly on Wikipedia knowledge.” to be placed in a state of protec- of a Facebook group dedicated to understand what the hell is But then, it’s not entirely tion where editing is restricted. to the online encyclopedia, going on in a topic, racking up are sensible and surprising that Wales’s instinct “One of the costs of openness and populated entirely by facts that you’ll never possibly is to think the best of today’s is that some idiot can come in students from the University need for an hour-long timed good” young students. The Wikipe- and put giant penis pictures of Cambridge, you might be essay where facts are roughly dia project is entirely based on the George Bush article,” inclined to agree with him. It three per cent as important as it’s fine, so long as they’re just on trust. At the top of almost Wales says dryly. Others get would be easy to conclude from having a slightly arrogant pub- using Wikipedia as a start- every one of the website’s their kicks from plastering the the kind of comments posted lic school turn of phrase…” ing point and then doing some articles is a button labelled entry on dyslexia with spelling on the group’s message board Jimmy Wales, founder of actual research.” I am glad ‘Edit’. You could click on it and mistakes. But, remarkably, the that a pandemic of indolence Wikipedia.org roars with that this conversation is being advance the encyclopaedia project has yet to descend into Friday January 18 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] VIEWFeatures 15

complete anarchy. Nearly nine 2006 – in other words, just million articles later, Wikipedia when Wikipedia began to enter is proof that a well-intentioned the public eye.” experiment – leaving itself Wales, it seems, is deter- completely open to attack – can mined to be hailed as the survive on the big bad Internet. project’s sole creator, presiding It now has an army of over six benevolently over all Wiki- million editors working in 253 pedian activity. Regardless languages. of whether or not you fi nd “It just turns out that most his glory-seeking grating, he people are sensible and good,” can rest smugly assured that says Wales. “People just enjoy Wikipedia is closer to achieving the work. You get to collabo- his noble goal of “enabling all rate with other smart people human beings to share in the in building something to be sum of all human knowledge” proud of. The number of people than any encyclopaedia in his- that are malicious is actually tory. The Encyclopædia Britan- quite small.” Most vandalism is removed from the site within hours or even minutes. Wales “ e most edited is not at all worried when I tell him that his own biography on articles during the Wikipedia has been marked by an editor as requiring “clean- last month include up”. “I don’t need to look at it – if it’s just routine vandalism, ‘List of minor somebody else will take care of it.” Naruto characters’ The son of an Alabaman grocer, Wales made a mint and ‘Religious in the 1990s by speculating on interest rate and foreign debates over currency fl uctuations. Casting around for something else to Harry Potter” keep him occupied, he started tinkering with open-source nica does not contain a detailed software – software that can be account of the delights of the legally modifi ed by its users. It Pacifi c banana slug, a compre- was during this time that he hensive list of the FBI’s most began toying with the idea of wanted fugitives by year since using collaborative software to 1950 or an exhaustive series develop a free online encyclo- Jimmy Wales: founded of articles tackling the merits paedia. Nupedia, launched by Wikipedia, alone, without of the Power Rangers. Even En- Wales in 2000, was an ambi- any help, not even a co- carta, an encyclopedia which, tious project. The plan was founder. like Wikipedia, doesn’t suffer that expert scholars would the restrictions of existing on write pieces on their specialist paper by virtue of its digital areas – for free – which they nature, cannot give you a com- would then submit to rigor- make them a better editor of tendencies for the recent fi asco fore, we operated like a group plete description of how Italy ous scrutiny by their peers in Wikipedia than someone who over the Wikimedia Founda- of friends working together.” performed at the 1988 Winter order to ensure that standards doesn’t,” Wales declares. This tion’s former Chief Operating But Wales’s portrait of him- Olympics, or a meticulous expo- were kept high. But after one is a total departure from the Offi cer, who turned out to be self as the benign father of this sition of cats’ intelligence. year Larry Sanger, the encyclo- thinking that drove Nupedia, a convicted felon. The non- friendly experiment is not en- The success of Wikipedia is paedia’s editor, had collected and not everyone has taken to profi t Foundation, which runs tirely convincing. It was Sanger derived from the simple prin- just twelve fi nished articles. it. Andrew Keen, expressing Wikipedia, had happily em- who fi rst suggested building an ciple that many hands make He and Wales were forced to the concerns of many of Wiki- ployed Carolyn Bothwell Doran encyclopaedia around the Wiki light work. As you read this, conclude that they would have pedia’s critics, says the project to manage its million-dollar software that would allow pub- swarms of dedicated contribu- to widen their recruitment net. favours the “dictatorship of chequebook without realizing lic editing, and he who dubbed tors are making hundreds of Wikipedia, the encyclopaedia idiots” over expert guidance. that she had numerous convic- the project Wikipedia. Yet simultaneous changes, rephras- that anyone can edit, was set A more minor concern is that tions for passing bad cheques, Wales has been quietly deleting ing here, tweaking there, and up as a side project in January Wikipedia favours the dictator- theft and petty larceny. “Part phrases on his own Wikipedia creating new articles wherever 2001, in the hope that it would ship of geeks. “We’re really good of the problem is that we’re biography that describe Sanger they’re needed. The project enable content for Nupedia to at technology, we’re really good very naïve and trusting – that’s as the venture’s co-founder. resembles the construction of a be amassed more quickly. But on the hard sciences, we’re re- what makes Wikipedia work. “In the early years of the vast, elaborate hive by a colony a month later, when Wikipedia ally good on geek culture,” says We assume that most people project, my role was not in of highly benefi cent, pedantic had notched up 1000 articles, Wales. “Star Trek, Star Wars, are probably good, but in this dispute at all,” reads an irate bees. Much of their time, of it seemed clear that Nupedia things like that. We’re not nec- case we got burned.” Wales is statement on Sanger’s website. course, is spent undoing the would eventually be aban- essarily as good on topics like relieved that no money ap- “Jimmy Wales did not start efforts of vandals, who are also doned. parenting, although things like pears to be missing, though he downplaying my involvement labouring diligently. But so that have improved over the said he had been shaken by in the project until 2004, and long as the pedants outweigh years.” Wikipedia’s geek bias is the affair. “The organization he didn’t start denying that I the vandals, it seems likely “One of the costs evident from the articles that is slowly professionalizing. Be- am co-founder until 2005 or that Wikipedia will fl ourish. receive the most attention from of openness is editors. At the time of writing, that some idiot the most edited articles during the last month include ‘List of WIKIFACTS minor Naruto characters’ and can come in and ‘Religious debates over Harry Potter’. But Wales doesn’t think >> Its name is a portmanteau of the >> e English subdomain receives put giant penis there should be any restriction words wiki (a type of collaborative 55% of Wikipedia’s cumulative traffi c, on the writing of pop culture pictures on the articles. “Trying to encourage website) and encyclopaedia. with the remaining split among people who are writing about the other languages (Spanish: 17%, George Bush Pokemon to write about Chi- >> As of December 2007, Wikipedia Japanese 4%, German: 4%, Polish: 3%, nese poetry is probably a bad had approximately 9 ¼ million articles French: 3%, Portuguese: 2%). article” idea. Anyway, Wiki isn’t paper. If someone is writing an article in 253 languages. about a Pokemon character, >> A study by Hitwise found that We should take Wikipedia’s that doesn’t mean there’s no >> By September 2005, its server visitors to Wikipedia are almost description of itself as an room for the article about some encyclopaedia that anyone can ancient Chinese poet.” cluster had grown to around 100 equally split 50/50 male/female, but edit at face value. Illiterate Wales makes a charismatic, if servers: main servers in Tampa, that 60% of edits are made by male toddlers have the same facil- slightly sanctimonious, fi gure- Florida and the rest in Amsterdam and editors. ity to press the ‘Edit’ button as head for the project. He tends Harvard professors. “The fact to portray Wikipedia as run by Seoul. that someone has a PhD in a sweet, unsuspecting types – he All facts sourced from Wikipedia.org certain fi eld doesn’t necessarily partially blames their trusting Fashion Editors: Beatrice Perry & Olivia Sudjic Friday January 18 2008 Friday January 18 2008 Write for this section: 16 VIEWFashion [email protected] varsity.co.uk/fashion varsity.co.uk/fashion [email protected] VIEWFashion 17

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T-shirt dress, from £110, Calvin Klein; Dress, Amanda Vest, Velvet; Skirt, Angel trouser, Todd Dress, vintage Wakeley; Tights, Aquascutum; Loafers, Playsuit, £265, Biba; T-shirt, £13, French Connection; Lynn Azzedine Alaïa £23, Walford stylist’s own Tights, £23, Walford Cotton corsage top, £700, Akris STYLISTS: BEATRICE PERRY AND OLIVIA SUDJIC; PHOTOGRAPHY BY NICK POMMERY; MODELS: ISABEL PERRY AND AMANI BOUZEREA MODELS: ISABEL PERRY AND OLIVIA SUDJIC; PHOTOGRAPHY BY NICK POMMERY; PERRY STYLISTS: BEATRICE Features Editors: Tash Lennard and Josh Sutton Friday January 18 2008 18 VIEWFeatures [email protected] varsity.co.uk/features

My Cambridge Cumming On Cambridge University Boat Club Death

>>Goldie Boat Club Captain’s The best time to die if you’re funny, as is him falling out Room. To Steal a celebrity is when you are of a coconut tree and need- old trophies to still famous, and people will ing “trepanning”, to use his melt down and still be moved to natter wist- own richly evocative phras- pay off library fully about how important ing. Your own father snorting fi nes. and valuable you were. The Keith Richards, on the other worst time to die is when you hand, would be very perverse. have wilted, like a neglected It would most likely be very runner bean, and the only embarrassing if a member of people who’ll shed tears are your family fell out of a coco- your loved ones. 2007 was a nut tree, and in fact slightly particularly bad year for apt shameful that they were up twig-leaving, and was instead there in the first place. notable for the number of Oddly the most tellingly stars going out with a whim- pertinent story of the year so per, rather than a bang. far has been the saga of the One suspects this was Nuremberg City Zoo’s polar particularly disappointing bears, Vera and Vilma, and >>Tatties. Good for Evel Knievel, who spent their young. The bears are food, dishonestly an entire career attempting the stars of the zoo; national priced, and discus- to claim his life insurance celebrities and a persuasive sions on Turkish (and there’s a windfall) with draw for tourists, yet just two politics with Gem, an abrupt, loud, motorised the owner. noise. In his last interview he >>The Skate Park, Jesus claimed to have “beat the hell Green. “When I skip school out of death”. Whilst it might I go to the skate park to seem slightly churlish to complain about my parents >>Hawks’ Club. To ascribe hubris to a man whose with my girlfriend and pick up chicks, and chosen vocation was to ride smoke cigarettes that I steal enjoy Donna Martin’s motorbikes into the sky, one from my Dad” - Spencer cooking. has to wonder whether it’s Hunsberger. MODELS: TOBIAS GARNETT AND SPENCER HUNSBERGER ever very sensible to claim im- mortality, particularly when one is so clearly dying. An- other who slipped rather than Face Off dived into the murky pool ey’re fi t, you’re fi ckle. Who’s fi tter? ere’s the pickle was Ike Turner, the extrava- gant performer and producer Round 1: Sidney Sussex versus Christ’s credited with being one of the Mother bear: menace founders of rock and roll. An argument could be made for weeks ago Vilma decided, in the significance of rock and the middle of the night, to eat roll as an art form, and for its her two babies. This is not un- invention as an achievement common, for polar bears; there worthy of posterity. Unfor- are, after all, bear necessities tunately for poor Ike he will we do not understand. Moreo- be remembered uniquely for ver, it’s difficult to suppress punching Tina Turner, a ges- a chuckle when one thinks ture which would have been of the faces of the hordes of fine if not uniquely admirable tourists, cameras primed, as had he not been married to Vilma nonchalantly strolled her at the time, and had he out of her cave in the morn- not stated quite so clearly ing, licking her chops. Yet how uniquely admirable he it has provoked such fears felt his actions to have been. amongst the keepers about All of which begs the question Vera that they have removed of what we actually value in her own baby, Knut, from her our public figures. Is punching potentially cannibalistic care. Tina Turner more culturally They will raise the cub by important than inventing rock hand, so he can be a star all and roll? No. But crucially, it of his own. It’s unnatural, but is slightly funnier. Wife-abuse, he might have died other- however, is not amusing in wise. Nobody goes to the zoo the slightest. Is Evel Kin- to see real life anyway. Do we evel dying slowly, off his bike, mock or console? Looking at funny? Horribly, crucially, this week’s photos of Britney yes. Is it funny for those close Spears, I think an earnest, to him? No. Keith Richards nervous laughter seems ap- snorting his dad ‘s ashes is propriate.

Lewis is a 2nd year NatSci and Matt is a 2nd year Theologian and Rosanna is a 3rd year Lawyer Alice is a 3rd year reading SPS

To vote for Sidney To vote for Christ’s, Sussex, Text ‘Varsity Text ‘Varsity Sidney’ to 60300. Christs’ to 60300.

Standard network charges apply. Evel: boring death Friday January 18 2008 Lifestyle Editors: John Lattimore and Luciana Bellini varsity.co.uk/features [email protected] VIEWLifestyle 19

Nick Resident Medic Nick Culshaw gives us his top five tips for a healthier 2008 Knows n Don’t get bird fl u Eat a guava Unless you’re a Vet, the Guava is a great source chances of you coming of Fibre, to keep you ciana into contact with any regular, Vitamin C, Check out what’s getting us hot up top Got a problem? Medic and 1live chickens this term 3 which protects against CUSU HIV and sexual health are pretty minimal; the chances cancer and wrinkles, and and chilly down below rep Nick will happily answer Carotenoids, which boost your any questions you may have. of any chickens in Cambridge having bird fl u are even smaller, immune system and might come Send them in to handy if you can’t get your hands [email protected] but why take the risk? Cam- bridge based biotech fi rm Acam- on that bird fl u vaccine. Christmas Finally Over bis have produced a vaccine that Thank GOD. Weeks and weeks could give long-term protection Drink pomegranate of anticipation and planning cul- against all Infl uenza A virus juice minating in a 48-hour lock-down. strains, including “winter” and Pomegranate juice is Dry turkey, dry entertainment bird fl u. Following a successful packed full of antioxi- (BBC’s Ballet Shoes??) and dry US trial they will be conducting dants, so combined with conversation with dry relatives. larger human trials- you’d be 4 Note to self: next year douse guava that’s even fewer wrinkles clucking mad not to volunteer. and even more anti-cancer good- granny in brandy and set afl ame. ness. These antioxidants can also Spend less time reduce the risk of heart disease Reiss Sale jogging and, by increasing Nitric Oxide When has it been considered Bored of jogging levels, it’s a natural form of Via- acceptable for a high-street store aimlessly around gra- whilst vodka and pomegran- SCORCHING to charge £89 for a cardigan (not Parker’s Piece in your ate doesn’t sound too manly, you even cashmere...)? The answer is 2 never. When is the perfect time to Jack Wills-college stash combo? could well have the last laugh You might look the part, but you come kicking-out time at Sunday nab said cardigan for a bargain- can reduce the time you spend night Life. tastic £27.50? The answer is now. sweating and burn more calories by interval training. Why not try BBC1’S Damages this: Get an STI check Bye-bye insipid, British period Syphilis can leave you dramas, hello ballsy, American cor- 5 minutes warm up jog paralysed. Human porate export. Glenn Close plays 1 minute “sprint” followed by 1 Papilloma Virus mega-bitch top litigator Patty minute slow jog infection leads to Hewes, who recruits fresh-faced, 5 angelic Rose Byrne as her latest Repeat 6 times cervical cancer. Hep B could 5 minutes cool down jog mean liver cancer. Contract associate. Don’t expect a light- HIV and you could die from any hearted romp around Manhattan; As you get fi tter, increase the old cold. The Laurels is a short this gritty, suspenseful drama will number of sprint/ jog combos. walk from the town centre and have you hooked from the word You’ll be healthier, thinner and if you really can’t be arsed to go (and thankfully we have all 13 have more time to bitch about walk then get on the Uni4 to episodes, completed pre-Holly- your dissertation. Addenbrooke’s. wood writers’ strike). John Lewis Tearoom Johnny & Luciana are, as of yet, undecided about this new hangout. On the one hand, the cakes taste great, the view is pretty unbeatable and the decor is smart. On the other hand, the only Bottoms Up people you’ll fi nd hanging out here are OAPs and, most probably, his is a dangerous time of benders will be sorely missed, for mal is like slipping on a pair of that supervisor you’re trying to year. On the eve of a New the same price one may purchase suede loaders to scurry round the avoid. Oh, AND our eclairs cost TYear, whilst drinking one’s body such crisp and optimistically 1600m hurdles: pennying one’s about 4 quid. Yeah, each. weight in claret may seem a summery delights as M&S’s Rosé way through £15 of Châteauneuf- dash impulsive, far rasher is the d’Anjou 2006 – more alcohol, du-Pape makes for rather Britney’s Must-See Melt- resolve to embark upon a bunch superior taste, and fewer charges over-priced vomit. But the third down of eccentric lifestyle changes. of assault and battery. resolution of the term should be We read Heat Magazine to laugh Good-night to Gardies, good- Secondly steer clear of wine to fi nd a sober(ish) occasion, a at Jordan’s latest botched boob- morrow to supernutrient smooth- with sold in plastic bottles, bags half-decent formal and some suit- job and swoon over naked Harry ies; out with the Lambrini, in and boxes. Furthermore reject ably over-fermented opinions to Potter pics. We do not fi nd a with the Snapple (‘The soft drink any wine which feels the need to lavish upon your fi nest bottle of 6-page photo spread charting for adults’™); some even begin advertise on television. Whilst I hock - the upper-echelons of col- this poor girl’s loss of physical stumbling towards the boat am reliably told that the no- lege wine lists are selected with health, mental well-being and now houses at the sort of hour most longer-pink-places-on-the-globe choice amounts of vim and vigour. her two children entertaining or can produce the most ambrosial Finally, May Week and Liwly suitable for public scrutiny. In the of nectars, New World wines Bollinger teach us that cham- words of youtube overnight super- “Reject any wine pumped out on Coca-Cola levels pagne suits all manner of occa- star, Chris Crocker, “leave Britney of production invite comparison sions and all times of the day: alone”. which feels the with everything from paint strip- from sipping at bubbles during per to oil-tanker exfoliator. Try sunset-lit, jazz-softened evenings American Election Over- need to advertise Sainsbury’s Chilean Cono Sur to guzzling bottles at Suicide kill Merlot or Sauvignon Sunday breakfasts. The festive Tears before bedtime and we on television.” Blanc instead, fl ushing of Threshers’ literally are only a few weeks in. Hillary both fruity £4 thrilling 3 for 2 on all wine and Clinton, nobody cares if you only stagger away from Cindy’s. Such options that champers cannot be missed. Let get to eat pizza on the campaign admirable intentions rankle don’t erode yourself be drawn moth-like to- trail. There are more important against the bohemian stereotypes the throat. wards the burning bright of giant things to worry about. Such as of university life, and sour the Ad- half-price tags and acquire how bored we are by the entire Bacchic standards of this column, mittedly bubbly by the bucket load. malarkey already. but how – having downed the bring- requisite 2 pints of Evian a day – ing Guy Stagg Buttery Food is one’s thirst to be quenched? good Leaving the comforts of home Feeling thoroughly hanged- wine and Mummy’s yummy cooking over following last year’s extrava- to is always tricky. Salt is defi nitely gance and with the ugly aspect of for- rubbed into the wound following binge-drinking culture looming a little visit to the College Buttery. unsteadily towards us, the fi rst Ikam Asam Chicken with Broccoli

resolution seems clear: drink SUB ZERO Milanese, anyone? Yes, we know less, but better. Whilst Woody B it’s cheap. We also know why. Arts Editors: Hugo Gye and Patrick Kingsley Friday January 18 2008 20 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts Boogie Down, Get Nasty Filthy MacNasty’s Whiskey Café was the amorphous cathedral for anyone for whom the spirit of spontaneous creativity and good old fashioned decadence had meaning. Sophie Hauptfuhrer meets its one-time owner and founder Gerry O’Boyle

he trick about doing a Arthurian wizard. This isn’t unexpected was certainly to be “Tgreat bar,” growls Gerry the whiskey talking (O’Boyle expected.” O’Boyle, his voice exuding a is teetotal) Filthy McNasty’s In 2000, however, it was miasma of cigarette smoke and is widely believed to stand time to move on. “The thing drawn curtains in the daytime, upon the final resting place of about Filthy’s you see, what Filthy Facts “is that it never in any way this original trickster. Mix- with Merlin and all, is that it looks contrived. Everything ing with the “hellraisers, is ruled by the planet Jupi- that happened at Filthy’s was models and rock’n’roll bands” ter – the planet of decadence August 1993 done for the right reasons. were witches, warlocks and and excess.” This constituted O’Boyle founds Filthy’s We lived it. We were the real various other disciples of the part of the reason he sold it: deal.” And if anyone should Order coming to pay hom- Filthy’s was never just a bar. February 1997 know how to do a great bar, age. Filthy’s was even host to For many years Gerry housed Vox ‘n’ Roll launched it’s him. As O’Boyle himself a documentary following the down and out bohemians September 1997 says, “the roll-call was colos- final movements of the wizard, there, including Pete Doherty sal”: the stage has played put together by Ken Kesey, a and Carl Barât, who worked Mavericks Film Festival introduced host to impromptu gigs from close friend of O’Boyle’s. For behind the bar. “It all got too March 2000 Johnny Borrell, Pete Doherty O’Boyle the beauty of the situ- hectic. To the public it was and Shane MacGowan, as well ation was “being able to sit just the way a rock and roll O’Boyle sells pub as the book launch for Frank with Ken, one of the greatest bar should be.” But to the oc- December 2002 McCourt’s Angela’s Ashes and authors of our time, and Shane cupants, closing time was only Channel 4’s Mavericks film [MacGowan], one of our most the beginning. “It was a living The Boogaloo opens festival. treasured musicians. Then thing, it was hardcore” May 2004 One of O’Boyle’s great- there were our regulars, he mutters. “Someone Doherty and Barât play together for the last time at Filthy’s est coups was a night called one of whom actually once told me it was Vox’n’Roll. “The basic idea believed himself to be like being on tour was to take writers out of Mozart, all the druids, with the Stone bookstores and turn them into and some bloke who’d Roses for seven shacks along the Mississippi, cafés, with great food, books, rock stars. We made it sharp changed his name to years. You can’t but every one with a great and a jukebox of course. But I and fast, like a great gig, with ‘King Arthur’. These live at that pace jukebox.” His vision was “to can’t say any more than that.” the author reading from their were the ex- forever. You burn open a bar with great music, He has also recently begun a work and playing nine of their tremes, out.” great people and the like,” and guerilla estate agency, Real- favourite songs – three read- but Gerry returned to to those who are familiar with tyJoe, with a business model ings, three pieces of music, the his Irish roots and Boogaloo, this is exactly what based on having mobile agents and so on. It was a simple spent three years he and his business partner all over the UK. “I wanted to idea and it worked.” Patrick as an auctioneer John Keane have done. Hailed take the dark arts out of the McCabe, author of the Book- back in Sligo. as the “sweetest little juke- estate agent, to be more trans- er-nominated The Butcher “But I felt there joint in the world” by GQ, parent. Estate agents have Boy, was the first to read at was unfinished the Boogaloo has a jukebox a bad name, being driven by Vox’n’Roll, soon to be followed business; that rotating ten albums monthly, greed, but it’s not necessary. I by McCourt, James Ellroy, I had more to selected by a rock’n’roll great: was raised on buying and sell- Roddy Doyle, Ken Kesey, Alan offer.” Thus was this month is Iggy Pop, next ing [his father was also a cat- Warner and John Cale, as well born The Boogaloo month Johnny Marr from the tle dealer]; it’s fascinating, and as Filthy’s regulars including in Highgate, in Smiths. “The only stipulation a great outlet for young minds. McCabe, Howard Marks, Will 2003. The name is that they are at least ten I’m looking to train young Self, Irvine Welsh and Kevin originates from years old. Stand the test of people all over the country and Sampson. Boogaloo, a time. And I would never have have them working with just a Unofficially, Filthy’s be- new and ex- any Coldplay. We’re not cut car and a laptop.” came a refuge for the Red citing type from the same cloth.” And, Gerry O’Boyle’s legacy has Hot Chilli Peppers, Ellroy, of music though the partying continues developed far beyond the the Sex Pistols, Dennis and dance at the Boogaloo, it is certainly simple Rock’n’Roll bar where Leary and Phil Daniels. emanating of a more mature flavour than “you wouldn’t find a five pound “It’s important for the from the Spanish Filthy’s. The décor is cosy; bag of nuts.” Establishments Creatives to have some- Harlem club scene squidgy leather sofas and deep such as The Hawley Arms and where to go,” O’Boyle of New York City. red walls with an atmosphere Proud Galleries in Camden says, and his scope for “The idea came which, whilst euphorically openly replicate the template these Creatives was to me when energetic on gig nights, is inti- laid down by Filthy’s and The boundless. “It became I was in mate and homely on a Sunday. Boogaloo. “It’s flattering. I’ve legendary for hellrais- Texas. I Gerry is not just a Good never been to either though. ers, rock’n’roll bands, bought Shepherd for high velocity I just do what I do well and models and the like.” a book stars of the underground; he there’s room for everybody.” Although O’Boyle is also an astute businessman. It is this laid back approach was in control of his His current ventures include that is at the heart of his bars, venture and knew managing up-and-coming mod- imbued with the quiet confi- what he wanted to el and actress Friday Cham- dence that a bit of grit never achieve with Filthy’s, berlain (whom he spotted did anyone any harm. Will he he surprisingly at- called trying to jump the queue at a ever decide to pack it all in? “I tributes much of its Juke- secret Babyshambles gig) and don’t know. I don’t think that magic to a figure some- joint; just developing the Boogaloo into a far ahead. As Saint Augustine what outside the rock ‘n’ pictures ‘food operation’ both here and said: ‘Lord make me pure, but roll scene – Merlin the of drinking abroad. “We want to do some not just yet.’” Friday January 18 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 21

Get Involved The Shop XVIII Jesus Lane What the devil’s this? The Shop is a totally independent student-run project with no affiliations to the University. It hopes to bring together Cam- bridge’s creative community by providing space dedicated to your artwork. Who’s behind it? Paloma Gormley (Jesus) and Lewis Jones (King’s). Aha. Is this something to do with last year’s Forum project? Sort of. The Shop is an evolu- tion of the Forum project which ran during May Week last year and is a reaction to the lack of communal space for creative work, somewhere that is constantly used by the entire student body. Simmonds Sounds great. Where is it? On Jesus Lane. Jesus College has given this project its support by offering us the use of a shop unit which has been converted into a studio, workshop and gallery. And who can use the studio? Anyone. The studio will be open to all students. Says What exactly can we do there? We’ll provide facilities for mak- Guardian cartoonist Posy Simmonds is notorious for her stories depicting ing creative work – anything from printmaking to sculpture. And what kind of suburban philanderers. Anna Trench introduces her Flaubert-inspired heroines exhibitions will there be? The windows will display a osy Simmonds ushers me Madding Crowd), which includes strips in the Guardian. I ask and floor plans. weekly rotation of exhibits and Pinto her north London two teenage girls. Leaning her if behind the soft lines and She showed me some draw- installations. Anyone interested Georgian house and it’s as if I’ve forward and transforming from watercolours she is ever slyly at- ings of Princess Diana, whose should email XVIIIJesusLane@ walked into a beautiful gallery her softly-spoken manner she tacking. “Oh yes. In some cases, character represents a final gmail.com with a short descrip- of my favourite artists. There relates some schoolgirls’ dirty absolutely”. But she is a social manifestation of Gemma Bovary. tion and images, if possible. We are prints and drawings all over conversation she overheard on observer rather than a satirist “It’s like making a person”, she will be having larger exhibi- the walls and she even proudly a top deck whilst doing more re- and certainly not a political one. says, “and like drawing a film.” tions once or twice a term, reveals two original Rowland- search: “‘Wot’d’e fuckin do then?’ “Their job is to bludgeon and Even though there is text in her exhibiting work by established sons, a watercolour and a print. ‘Nuthin. It was like clothes on. call shit shit,” she says of politi- work, it is often just dialogue, artists as well as emerging It’s not for nothing that Row- Through zips. He patted the dog cal cartoonists like Steve Bell and “the drawing has to do the talent. We wish to keep a high landson has appeared: like that through the letterbox.’” Then she and Martin Rowson. Her role descriptive work.” For Tamara standard while promoting chal- late 18th- early 19th-century sort of giggles. “Oh it was just so is different, but she still affects Drewe she also spent time in the lenging art. We will be having caricaturist, Simmonds takes wonderful…terrific”. people. “You can bash them over countryside (where the book is an exhibition at the end of term the piss out of society in sharply The humour in Simmonds’ the head or you can make them mainly set) drawing cows and displaying the product of The observed line drawings and work comes from recognition. Shop’s activity. feel…aaargh!” she makes a barns and noticing the differ- Will there be nosh? washes, “putting a magnifying We laugh and then realise we mortified face. Embarrassment ences between London teenag- There is no kitchen but the glass to an aspect of life”. are laughing at ourselves, or at figures a lot in her drawings. A ers and those from the shires. Cambridge Community Cafe We sit in her large and rather the person sitting next to us on key scene in Tamara Drewe is “There seems to be a lot more Project are moving in a few messy basement studio with a the bus. She modestly admits, “If narrated by a nosy fat American sex in the country, especially in doors down which will hopeful- cup of tea, surrounded by “all people recognise them- who overhears a tragic marital the summer, when they’re all out ly make Jesus Lane a new hub these bloody books”. The messi- selves or say you argument whilst sitting in the fields.” There is also a lot of student community activity. ness is a surprising contrast are hiding in my on the loo. It is always of sex in Simmonds’ work. You’d Super. Anything else? to the illustrations, newspaper dustbin, I would funny, but there is often probably expect it from a graph- We are also planning to run cartoons and graphic novels she be very pleased an undercurrent of ic novel inspired by Madame a programme of talks, film produces, which are always so that I’d something darker, Bovary (there is a brilliant scene screenings and workshops and perfectly composed and beauti- actually got whether that’s the where Flaubert’s suggestively to use the space for weekly fully contained. On the shelves something humiliation of be- rocking carriage is transferred life drawing classes. We will are hundreds of her old sketch- right”. You’ll ing cheated on or to a caravan in an underground be organizing workshops on books, and even some comic recognize patronised or just car park). But the amount of practices as wide ranging as books she shows me which she Posy Sim- being schoolgirls sex she gets into a Hardy novel knitting and downing, the art made when she was nine. Her monds’ work. desperate to is impressive; Tamara Drewe of making a considered mess, desk is surrounded by stacks She’s been shout about their certainly gets around. Sally Anne communion, t-shirt of pens and pencils, paints illustrating at sexual antics on It is the details in Posy Sim- printing, getting to know your and inks and on the wall is an the Guardian for photocopier intimately, hat public transport. monds’ work (the hand gestures making, the power tool (be- enormous mirror in which she over 30 years, from Her ideas can and movement of eyes) and the ginner to intermediate level), pulls faces to get her characters’ when she was a come from text (she has the most acute drawing and printing, tea expressions. There is no compu- ‘dogsbody’ at anywhere. ear for the nuances of dialogue) brewing and cardboard boxes ter. Her inspirations are eve- Fleet Street A conversa- that are so rewarding and reveal (advanced level). There will be rywhere: wartime Picture Post amongst alco- tion overheard, an an artist with enviable obser- ongoing projects created in The magazines, 1960s Vogues, classic holics behind typewrit- article read, or even vational skills. I was terrified Shop, including a magazine novels, a first edition Ronald ers up until Tamara Drewe, something seemingly in- of meeting her; worried she’d and clothing line. Searle book, a Nicholson print which was recently serialized significant like a handbag be scrutinising my every move. Okeydoke, I want to get in- and, rather incongruously, a in the Guardian Review. Older can trigger the images and text But she only took the piss out of volved immediately. Is this Lily Allen CD lying on the floor. readers will remember her that make up her stories. She me once, mimicking my rather possible? When I point this out she mum- 1970s strip of the Webers mock- rarely takes a sketchbook out inane comment that “Hogarth’s Yes! XVIII Jesus Lane is run bles, “How embarrassing…old ing woolly liberal Guardian with her in the street but she well good”. When I left her by volunteers and is looking for farts listening…” But although readers, while at the other end has an incredible visual memory house, reeling with inspiration, people to come and help. There over 60, Simmonds is not an old of the spectrum are her Fred and often rushes back to draw it was as if I’d taken a Posy Sim- is a ‘Squash...ish’ on Saturday fart. She’s hilarious. She was lis- and Lulu books for children. someone who’s taken her fancy. monds observational pill. I didn’t January 19th (ie tomorrow) tening to Lily Allen for research Equally popular are her Literary Her sketchbooks are full of thou- stroll blindly through the streets from 6-7pm at 18 Jesus Lane. for her latest graphic novel, Ta- Life cartoons or graphic novel sands of preparatory drawings. as usual, but stared at everyone You’ll be able to sign up to use mara Drewe (a modern take on Gemma Bovary (inspired by Dozens of characters, bags and I passed, noting their different the space and get involved in making stuff happen! Thomas Hardy’s Far From the Flaubert’s tale), both originally cars, faces from all angles, pets handbags. Arts Editor: Hugo Gye & Patrick Kingsley Friday January 18 2008 22 VIEWArts [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

Great Works of Art at Cambridge #1: William Orpen’s Self Portrait 1924 Fitzwilliam Museum

rather narrow balcony runs around painter, which is the reason he is remem- the top of one of the rooms in the bered today. Proud portraits of generals FitzwilliamA Museum, with seventy-fi ve and politicians occupied much of his time, paintings, none much larger than an A4 which was also spent painting the desola- piece of paper, lining the wall. The visitor tion of the European landscape, and the travels clockwise around the gallery, never carnage caused by trench warfare. Orpen’s aware of more than one painting at a time uncompromising response to the war can (for in taking a step back one risks trip- even be seen in Self Portrait. The unre- ping over the railings and splattering the touched brown-green which occupies the gallery fl oor with one’s own self-portrait). forefront of the portrait is suggestive of the One sidesteps from painting to painting, colours in Sargent’s famous war portrait face-to-face fi rst with the bespectacled Gassed, a grim reminder that the effects of Lytton Strachey, then the bushy beard war were slow to subside. of Paul Verlaine; this is more like speed- The artist is sitting at his easel, paint- dating than the ten-metre walk towards ing. He turns into a mirror, stationed the Countess of Pembroke downstairs. behind him, in order to paint himself Inspired by the collection of self-portraits painting. He looks at the mirror, and then in the Uffi zi gallery in Florence, Sydney paints himself on the canvas. But when he Cockerell, Director of the Fitzwilliam from turns back to the mirror, there is another 1908 to 1937, asked a number of eminent face in the refl ection. This face too, he must painters to contribute a self-portrait to the paint into his painting. And so on, to infi n- museum’s collection. Amongst the gravitas ity. Each time he paints another refl ection of the fi ve or so austere Edwardian gentle- the image is less distinctive, more lifeless, men surrounding him, William Orpen’s more colourless, retreating into the dismal self-portrait is the most striking. background. The structure is like a demo- Born in County Dublin, Ireland, in 1878, niac vanity table, multiplying the artist’s Orpen was accepted into the Dublin School face and distorting it. This painting of a of Art aged only eleven. His education refl ection of a painting is very immediate: William Orpen continued at the Slade, before the encour- the fi rst image of the artist’s face is keen (1878-1931) agement of John Singer Sargent helped to and worried, he is balding and greying and Self Portrait 1924 establish him as a popular society por- furrowed and the yellow mark in the white traitist. After the breakout of war in 1914, of his right eye gives the painting an un- Orpen was soon enlisted as an offi cial war nerving atmosphere.

FITZWILLIAM MUSEUM Fit for King’s Stephen Cleobury has revolutionized King’s Chapel Choir . But, Toby Chadd asks him, does King’s really deserve its reputation, and is musical innovation drowning out religious convention?

n the fi rst half of the twentieth contemporary mainstream music, chapels. Indeed when he says that century, the typical musical for example writing symphonies for “church today ought to be, whatever Ieducation of a professional conduc- orchestras, can write good choral one’s religious stand-point, inclusive tor, organist or composer would music. I think that some composers rather than exclusive”, he seems to involve a stint at a cathedral or don’t think of doing it until they’re be talking not from the inside of the an Oxbridge chapel. This resulted asked, and I’ve found that compos- sort of community very often afford- in a musical establishment closely ers I’ve approached are extremely ed by the collegiate system, but with connected with the ecclesiastical willing and pleased to be asked.” the attitude of a much more public set-up, and thus by association This year’s Christmas Eve service institution. embedded in the everyday cultural seemed to have a more self-con- Cleobury is undoubtedly aware life of the nation. The start of the sciously modern feeling to it, par- of this and its impact on evensong, twenty-fi rst century has heralded ticularly given the high proportion commenting that “there are prob- both a funding crisis in the Arts of carols written after 1950. “When ably students at King’s who prefer and a sharp decline in congrega- I fi rst came here, in 1982, I was ex- to go to a quieter liturgical celebrations at services; it is no longer a tremely aware of the weight of tration”, and although it seems that rite of passage for composers to dition and particularly the degree King’s position as fore-runners write church music, preferring of expectation, and I found that very in choral music has come at the instead to bolster their audience burdensome; it took about fi ve years cost of the liturgical function of numbers and earnings by writing to realise that I had to allow it be evensong and carol services. Dean concert pieces. my own. I hope what I have allowed Milner-White insisted that, in the Stephen Cleobury, director of mu- to happen is the embracing of more Christmas Eve service, “the main sic at King’s, has seen both of these recent ideas of vibrancy without los- theme is the development of the worlds. Organ scholar at St John’s ing the technical quality – it is for loving purposes of God through the before moving on to Westminster others to say whether they like it or windows and the words of the Bible” Abbey as sub-organist, Cleobury think I have achieved that.” and that music serves, as Cleobury marked the beginning of his stint at King’s overwhelming dominance puts it, as the “handmaid”. Although King’s by establishing, in 1983, the of the Cambridge choral scene is Cleobury insists that this is still tradition of commissioning a carol an interesting phenomenon, yet the case, King’s decision to use specially for the famous Christmas Cleobury is reluctant to comment on their choir as an innovator seems Eve Festival of Nine Lessons and it; this reluctance is perhaps sympto- to have directly resulted in the loss Carols. In doing so, he was conscious matic of King’s musical connections of a purely liturgically motivated of establishing a tradition, and one being more with the outside profes- congregation, as has occurred for which has now been accepted into sional world than within Cambridge, different reasons in large cathe- the very fabric of this institution. and thus it is not surprising that drals nationwide. It may well be a “I think that the reason that I set King’s have come to be the public good thing, then, that King’s almost up this tradition was that a lot of face of Cambridge musically. In an single-handedly attracts the tourist twentieth-century church music ecclesiastical sense too, Cleobury congregations, leaving the other has been frankly of poor quality, for compares King’s reputation and colleges to continue attaining high various reasons, and I wanted to congregation more readily with the musical standards without sacrifi c- show that a composer working in cathedrals than with other college ing liturgical function. COLLEGE OF KING’S AND SCHOLARS OF THE PROVOST - WITH KIND PERMISSION ANDREW HOUSTON Friday January 18 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] VIEWArts 23

Gig Review Lauren Chazzle Dazzle Cooney Chas & Dave: Mockney muppets or original punks? As they reach Cambridge Spice on the latest stage of their tour, Hugo Gye talks to Chas to find out Girls

has & Dave, the chirpy mistaken for a pisstake. It has days as a backing singer in pains to emphasise that he A decade ago I cried my eyes Cockney duo who have also been suggested that their America with horror. “I’d was “straight as a die”, with out because Geri Halliwell been plugging away at early single Gertcha, named always end up singing in an only a solitary pint as recrea- announced that she was leav- Ctheir own idiosyncratic brand for the expression which American accent, and after tion). If you type in ‘Chas & ing the Spice Girls. The idea of pub-rock for thirty years, Cockney gents of the prewar the show people would come Dave’ on YouTube, most of the of seeing them again after ten have produced a veritable generation would use to avoid up and ask ‘What part of the clips seem to feature Doherty years of maturely distancing litany of urch-pop classics such swearing, was punk before States do you come from?’ playing their songs in his flat. myself from the Spice World as Gertcha, Rabbit and The punk, appearing two years I’d walk away thinking, ‘This One might think that they so many tweenies inhabited Sideboard Song, as well as before the Ramones, and Chas ain’t right, this ain’t me.’” This would be bored of being asked was a bewildering prospect. 1982’s Number Two hit Ain’t My twenty-two-year-old sister agrees, saying that he and disheartening experience led about their celebrity fans, but squealed with delight when No Pleasing You. Their (seem- Dave would “class that as a him back to his East End roots, Chas brought them up him- we received our concert tick- ingly never-ending) tour has punk song”. Not, perhaps, a with the logic that “If it’s hon- self, describing his gratitude ets, and College conversation just passed through Cambridge, universally-held opinion. It is, est the accent doesn’t matter.” for the increasing youth of has been peppered with Spice and we were lucky to enough however, undeniably punk to The truth of this is borne out his audiences, which he puts allusions. It’s not that we are to have the chance to speak to perform a song called Snooker down partly to their support a bunch of losers, bimbo femi- Chas Hodges, lead singer and Loopy, a tribute to 80s cue- although he notes that Chas nists, or any other breed of wielders such as Terry Grif- & Dave have “always had a tasteless geek; it’s simply that fiths and Tony Meo, with its “When other young following”. the Spice Girls are great. lyrics unchanged since its The attention they have Reviewers who wish to diss “If you’re stuck in 1986 release, regardless of the musicians start regained in the last few years the twirl of their dancing or disappearance of these names is obviously gratifying to the the strength of their voice are the mud then it’s from the public consciousness. following yer, you duo; but although they are simply missing the point. This Chas & Dave’s extremely clearly pleased to have been is a reunion, an imitation, your own fault” noticeable accents, their know you’re doing taken more seriously by the a nostalgia-fest: no-one is rather provincial themes and press than they were when pretending that their recent pianist in this extraordinary geographical particularism of something right” they started out, the emotion single Headlines (Friendship pair. numbers such as Down to Mar- is palpable in Chas’s voice Never Ends) was a good bit Both Chas and Dave were gate have always ensured their as he says that “When other of tuneage; it clearly wasn’t. playing music long before But they played their cards identification as a very specifi- by the duo’s popularity in the musicians start following yer, right. This was going to be they teamed up around 1974: cally English band, something US, where they tour about you know you’re doing some- cheesy, tacky, and so unbeliev- Dave played as a session which was not quite planned once a year and where they are thing right.” The thousands ably nineties. They careered musician with such bands as at the start of their career, championed by Jack Clement, who go to see them play and onto the stage kitted out in Cliff Bennett and the Rebel although Chas engineer at Sun Records in the enjoy bopping along to the an array of beautiful Roberto Rousers, while Chas worked recalls his good old days. least po-faced Cavalli costumes and for two with legendary early rock ‘n’ early The surge in popularity pop music ever glorious hours belted out a roll producer Joe Meek, and enjoyed by Chas & Dave in made would string of Number One hits. spent some time in Jerry Lee recent years is in part agree. Mel C was the most impres- Lewis’ backing band. With due to their enthusi- sive performer, but even Mrs nearly fifty years’ experience astic fans the Liber- Beckham’s awkward catwalk in the business, you might tines, who enlisted posing was met by approving forgive them for being tired, the boys to sup- cheers that drowned out the but no: Chas’s only irritation port them at noise whenever she opened was that he hadn’t played a Kentish Town her gob to simper a line. Each gig for four days, and couldn’t Forum in 2003 girl successfully managed a wait to get back on stage. He and Brixton solo moment, except for Mel B says that “There’s always Academy in who made the bizarre deci- something else to do in music. 2004, and sion to lap-dance to Are You Gonna Go My Way by Lenny If you get stuck in the mud that associa- Kravitz. Scarily sexed up, the it’s your own fault.” Take that tion contin- whole concert reminded the Coldplay, you moaners. ues; last twenty-something audience The duo are remembered month they that Girl Power had become as a comedic, ‘Rockney’, band, played with Woman Power, and despite but that was not necessarily Peter Do- the jubilant atmosphere in their intention: Chas makes herty at the the arena, this brand of enter- the sensible statement that Tap ‘n’ Tin in tainment just wouldn’t work “We just want to write songs Chatham today. Even if the Tube ride that we enjoy, and that other (Chas home was a little embarrass- people enjoy”; in fact, he is takes ing it was great fun to don my most proud of ‘Ain’t No buffalo trainers and Union Pleasing You’, their Jack dress, so much fun I first straightfaced ended up going to the concert hit; he believes it twice. Zig-a-zig-ah. was the “first serious song to be sung in a Cock- ney accent” – and their Cockney accents are so broad, even in conversation, as to be richard skidmore richard Arts Editors: Hugo Gye & Patrick Kingsley Friday January 18 2008 24 REVIEW [email protected] varsity.co.uk/arts

view from the What this year’s offering from The scene was compelling. Julius Caesar ETG lacked in overall coher- Despite these strengths, this ence it very nearly made up for production suffered badly from a groundlings ADC with a number of bold individual lack of tonal cohesion. The rape, performances. But not quite. at the end of the first half, was a Whilst rousing in many of the directorial liberty too far. Had the right places, the play never quite mob been big enough to create overcame the general impression a more substantial, fleshed-out created by its jumbled aesthetics hysteria, the violation might have and somewhat sluggish pace. fitted in amidst the general chaos. Josh Higgott’s performance as But as a set-piece, it came across Cassius showed maturity and as a bizarre theatrical shock-tactic. focus, and he frequently domi- Perhaps more importantly, and nated the stage with his natural undesirably, the line itself had The sharp-eyed reader will no- and unaffected delivery of verse. been changed from “Tear him” to tice that we have fallen down to His scenes with Ed Rice (Brutus) “Tear her”. While Shakespeare earth from Mount Olympus and wholly succeeded in conveying the always demands a degree of are once more lowly ground- subtle dynamic between the rheto- interpretation, gratuitous sexual lings. The weight of expecta- rician and his subject. These two violence seems outside this remit. tion was too great, and anyway had chemistry, and their dialogue Yes, the mob is enraged, but rape humility seems somehow better felt suitably intimate, with its pace implies a gendered malevolence for the environment. So. and intensity driving the play beyond that present in the text. All eyes were on Rome this forward in its early stages. Visually, too, the play was often week as the term’s theatrical In this male-dominated play confusing. What exactly was shenanigans kicked off with a the female characters provided a signified by the white pyramid bang (or rather, a stab) as ETG few enlightening glimpses into the structure bearing an image of marks its 50th anniversary private worlds of the very public Caesar’s face? The set, whilst un- with Uri Adiv’s production of figures onstage. Stephanie Bain’s derstandably minimal on account Julius Caesar; fresh from their Portia, a small but important part, of the play’s tour schedule, did European tour, they are back provided a well-pitched blend of little to evoke a place or time, and in Cambridge as per tradition feminine sensitivity and feminist costumes seemed torn between to finish their run here. Having frustration. Rob Carter’s Mark a timeless and a quasi-Roman been assured by the Facebook Antony fortified this production aesthetic. Furthermore, at times group that it was going to be with his collected energy and the large numbers of people play- “brilliant”, everyone was on injected spirit and vigour through ing different parts was a cause for the edge of their seats as the steadfast delivery. His crucial uncertainty in the audience. curtain rose, and I for one was speech, given over Caesar’s corpse, Julius Caesar succeeded in a not disappointed either by the brimmed with an impressive level few crucial places, and the cast actors’ rather dashing purple of sustained passion, though his confidently rose to the challenge sashes nor by the somewhat achievement was somewhat let of its rhetoric. Ultimately, though, cornucopian use of fake blood down by the disappointingly small the sum of its often worthy parts flowing like wine. mob he was addressing. Neverthe- was an underwhelming whole. The wonderful Alcock Improv less, by placing Brutus and then But you could do much worse with lightened the mood later with Dir: Uri Adiv Mark Antony on an empty stage an evening than go and hear some a new repertoire of games and for their speeches, the director of the finest speeches in Shake- improvised sketches, though Theatre ensured that the audience was speare delivered decently and with when they ended up, blindfold- ★★★★★ properly engaged in the rhetoric. no frills. Grace Jackson ed and barefoot, breakdancing (in the loosest sense) around (slash onto) mousetraps, one had to wonder whether someone had slipped a little something in their shandy. Preview Alcock Improv All very exciting. Indeed, this is shaping up to be a very excit- Pappy’s Fun Club ADC ing term, with plenty in store Comedy to delight and impress. New ★★★★★ writing galore, not least from ADC Alcock’s very own ex-frontman Comedy Tom Hensby, whose short Dir: Will Pearse history of the world claims to address all those very real Varsity: OK, why the name we get the giggles on stage and The problem with improvised almost impossible to suc- questions such the true cause Pappy’s Fun Club? the audience are just thinking comedy is that sometimes the cinctly explain, but an early of Wales’s scuppered world Matt: Brendan and I were try- “what a group of fuck knuck- humour can be a bit ‘kooky’ highlight was the bearded domination dreams. Then there ing to think of funny names for les”. My family don’t find me and that though the gags Britney Spears’ entrance to is the Footlights’ Spring Review, a friend of ours’ baby, and ‘Pap- funny. might be funny at the time, if a dinner party: “Hey y’all, also about history, and quills to py’ just came to us. Brendan Tom: I’m the least funny one of you wrote them down or per- sorry I’m late. I couldn’t find be dusted off all over town as used it for online games – it’s my friends. formed them as sketches then my children”, the first big the Harry Porter Prize comes quite nerdy. Sums up Brendan, Varsity: Would you say that there would be very little high laugh of the night. The next round again. There is even a really. some of you have your own quality material to play with. “game” involved a Venezuelan new little Something (Nothing?) Varsity: Does it put a strain on strengths that you bring to the You belly-laugh with everyone lecturer holding forth on the from last year’s winner on at the group that Brendan is still show? Like Tom’s… knuckles, else and then you go home topic of crabs and ladders in the Playroom in week 4. In fact, in full-time employment? for example. happy. Many of the jokes are mock-Spanish, accompanied the Playroom’s glittering line- Ben: Well, before Edinburgh it Ben: Like performance jazz. actually rather obvious but by an interpreter. The idea up this term looks set to cement was just a hobby really, but he’s Matt: We’ve got distinctive per- they’re shared and spontane- for the sketch was an excel- it as one of the best venues in going part-time now– sonalities and these determine ous and you feel pleased for lent one, with Josh Higgott town, even if it is L-shaped. Matt: Right, and Brendy and I the characters we play – they’re the likeable performer that recalling Charlie Chaplin’s Finally, once you’ve finished used to live together in Wol- usually deliberate extensions they’ve got a laugh. It’s like famous microphone bending this weekend’s audition rounds, verhampton while Ben and of ourselves. I tend to be anally rent-some-mates for an hour. speech in The Great Dicta- don’t forget to book your Tom lived in London, so there’s retentive, overly controlling. The Alcock Improv didn’t get tor and Jessica Barker-Wren ticket for A Night with Over the always been an element of divi- What’s a nice word for that? off to the best of starts with providing a superb sidekick. Bridge on Tuesday: a capella sion through geography– Tom: Anally retentive. a pretty limp introduction The giggles picked up with at the ADC for one night only Tom: And race. [Pause.] Matt: The Times called Tom which ended “woof woof tweet some solid sketches, includ- as choral scholars from across Matt: Don’t really know what “red-cheeked and preposter- tweet”. A deafening silence ing a parody of Newsnight the university come together to you mean, Tom. [Pause.] ous”. I think that sums him up fell, the last of the evening. Review in which Nate Dern wow us with their take on the Varsity: So, ahem, do you guys perfectly. The chirpy host, Will Pearse, stood out for the first time. classic work of such musical ever find it hard to ‘turn off’ Varsity: It’s actually quite hard introduced a series of “games” Adjoa Anyimadu was impres- maestros as Daniel Bedingfield and stop being funny? to describe what you guys do on (kooky, I know) where a word sive for the range and depth and S Club 7. We can’t confirm [Pause. Muffled laughter.] stage. from the audience stimulated of her quirky characterisa- rumours that the big cheeses Matt: Oh, sorry, did you hear Matt: We take our tops off and an sketch. He wasn’t out- tion. The final sketch involved at King’s Chapel have plans to that? Tom just hit the ‘secret stick gaffa tape to our bodies. standingly funny but had a blindfolded breakdancing over bring them all back for an East- conservation’ button on the Pappy’s Fun Club are 2007 pleasing talent for picking the a mousetrap-strewn stage. erstravaganza, but I imagine speakerphone and said “you if.comedy award nominees. juiciest audience suggestions “They say ‘The Steamroller’ they just want to get through fuck knuckle”, just because he They’re performing as part and snapping sketches to an can’t be done!” yelled Nate this first; don’t reach for the knew it would annoy me. We of ‘Alcock Allstars’ tonight at end at the right moment. Dern, impaling his groin on a stars before you can walk. make ourselves laugh if noth- 11pm in the ADC. Circumstances leading lamentably placed trap. Alex Reza ing else – the worst is when Interview: Will Pearse up to the punchlines are Olie Hunt and Elliot Ross Friday January 18 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] REVIEW 25

I would like to be able to say that Music. I think the implication is or Niels Bohr (‘Atom’) or even British Sea British Sea Power are as witty that Do You Like Rock Music? is welcoming Polish plumbers to albums and erudite in interview as they Rock Music. our shores (‘Waving Flags’)? Lord every right-minded person appear in song. Unfortunately I It certainly does have all the knows what Morrissey will make should own Power can’t. All I can say is that singer hallmarks. There are big sweep- of the latter. Scott (aka Yan) has a wildly im- ing choruses, pounding drums Every new ‘indie’ album is Do You Like practical answerphone message. and zealous use of crunchy dis- likened to the Arcade Fire, but It consists mainly of air raid tortion. Most of the songs sound here the comparison is mean- Rock Music? sirens and lasts approximately like they have been designed ingful. The thumping drums, three minutes. That is the sum to sound good at festivals when string-driven choral sections total insight gleaned from our the band stop singing and the and frail, breathy vocals are all twenty-minute interview. crowd fill in. Some songs with very Arcade Fire-like. You could So I am forced to make do their bombastic guitar riffs will argue, in fact, that because Brit- with the new album. It is called almost certainly make an ap- ish Sea Power have been around Do You Like Rock Music?, which pearance behind goal montages longer than Arcade Fire they is, however you look at it, rather on Football Focus (‘Down on the actually own the sound. Arcade a silly name for an album. Per- Ground’) and still others directly Fire should be called very British haps anticipating the response incorporate braying drunken ter- Sea Power-like. It doesn’t really “What, like Bryan Adams?” the race chants (‘No Lucifer’). matter. What matters is that this band set up a Guardian blog This album is definitely, there- is British Sea Power’s third and Parklife to clarify matters. Apparently fore, Rock Music. But it is not best album. Do you like Rock Blur everything can be divided into a middle-aged, balding, leather Music? Buy the album to find Rock Music and non-Rock Mu- jacket sort. It is more an intel- out. A pathetically predictable Released at the height of sic. Stewart Lee and John Peel ligent, heart-felt, I-like-reading- way to end this review but then Britpop in 1994, Parklife is are both Rock Music but Jimmy history-books’ sort. How many perhaps if Scott had answered definitive of its time, celebrat- Carr, alongside cancer, is non- other bands have written songs his phone I might have thought ing the glories of pop music Album Rock Music. Courtney Love is about tragic flooding incidents in of something better. of the past, as well as looking ★★★★★ both Rock Music and non-Rock Essex in 1953 (‘Canvey Island’), Oli Robinson forward, with perhaps a little foreboding, to the approaching millennium. This ‘concept When you go to these exhibitions – feeling for the right colour. album’ was inspired by Martin and make it snappy because they In the bookshop I overheard a Amis’ novel London Fields, end this weekend – go in daylight. lady looking at postcards of the oth- Francis Davison which Albarn confessed was his The Magnetic The first time I went was in crap er exhibited artist, Jack Shanahan, ‘Bible for six months’. The songs January dimness, but the second say ‘Oooh these are cute – aren’t Jack Shanahan engage fruitfully with the gritty Fields time, in daylight, I had a minor they?’ Well, yes, in a way they are. socio-sexual and portentous revelation. What struck me were Simple black outlined drawings Kettle’s Yard aspects of the book, such as the Distortion the uses of colour and composition with felt tip colours inside of any- rat race of 1990s consumerism, in both artist’s work and spectrum thing he’s inspired by, be it zigza- particularly ‘End of a Century’ of emotions they could evoke. gged rainbow trousers or traffic and ‘Tracy Jacks’. The anthemic Album The main exhibition space is lights or fish or abstract grids. They and infectious title track and ★★★★★ given to Francis Davison, who was look childish and can be amusing. ‘Girls & Boys’ secured the band at Cambridge in the 1940s. After a The blurb on the wall says that their first Top Ten and Top Stephin Merritt, leader of the trip to St Ives he began to paint but 24-year-old Shanahan is cared for Five hits respectively. Albarn’s Magnetic Fields, has a habit after settling in Suffolk in 1950 he by a foundation for people with voice, exuding Essex effrontery, of naming his albums literally. dedicated his work to large paper disabilities in Dublin. What seems is raw, edgy and sometimes 1999 brought 69 Love Songs, collages exploring colour, shape, odd is that Kettle’s Yard should uncontrolled in ‘Girls & Boys’ a sprawling 3 CD masterpiece edge and texture, until his death highlight this fact and yet not com- and the frenetic ‘Bank Holiday’; that tackled love and heart- in 1984. This is an exhibition you ment on it. After reading the blurb but there are also moments of break with the irreverence im- definitely need to wander through, one cannot help but look at the real refinement and warmth, plied by its title. i followed a few to move around the collages and drawings differently, and I wonder in ‘To the End’ and ‘This is A years later, each of its tracks see them from different angles. Up how much our responses stem from Low’. Albarn crafts his melo- beginning with that letter. close you can inspect the actual that fact, rather than the drawings dies with care, and they shine Distortion delivers on its process with which the papers themselves. The figure behind bars through in ‘Jubilee’ and ‘Magic title, and will surprise many have been layered, ripped or cut, and the decapitated man holding America’. He also incorporates Magnetic Fields fans. Merritt stuck on and torn off. Stand further his pink head or the massive open a variety of string instruments has described his intention away and you can feel the artist’s red mouth with pink lips, brown to add texture and interest to with this album as “to sound anger or cold isolation. He seemed teeth and a dangling cigarette the tracks. more like Jesus and Mary to be excited by paper: the differ- appear eerie and even tragic. What Albarn’s occasional poetic Chain than Jesus and Mary ent textures, smooth or serrated or Shanahan has in common with genius is somewhat lacking Chain”, and the new approach fabriano stripes. But the colours are Davison is the same confident eye here, although the lyrics are sees them produce some of even more exciting: the variations for colour and composition, but candid and insightful: “It’s love their most confident music yet. in tone, contrasts and balance and whereas in Davison’s work we can unlike and everyone’s at it,/ Merritt’s reputation as a mis- depth produced make you quite see the progression, of revisions But words are cheap and the erabilist is unfair – he’s more jealous of someone who can be so and reworkings, in Shanahan’s mind is elastic.” There are a few of a romantic – but on Distor- confident not only with the large it seems purely intuitive, with no nice surprises thrown in too: tion there’s little respite from abstract composition and surety of process to follow. Closes on Sunday not every Blur release show- gloom. The hilarious introduc- surface materials but the intuitive Anna Trench cases the songwriting talents tion to highlight ‘Too Drunk to of another band member, and Dream’ compares being sober here we get a taste of Alex (when “nobody wants you”) James’s cosmological obsessions and “shit-faced” (“they’re all in ‘Far Out’; then there is the undressing”) before giving way folky instrumental ‘The Debt to the admission that “dream- Collector’, and just when we ing only makes me blue”, but think the record has reached its humour prevents the album climax of gravitas and melan- from being too depressing. choly in ‘This Is A Low’, we are The musical ethos has a Art surprised to find the short and mixed effect on the songs. The ★★★★★ light-hearted coda ‘Lot 105’, as band has kept the pianos and if to say life really isn’t that bad violins found on earlier records, at all. and the elegant twinkles The most impressive effort from and with desaturated colour This is not Blur’s most exqui- floating above the thick sound 4 Months, 3 Romania’s recent cinematic revo- as Mungiu has no intention of sitely crafted album, nor their give ‘Old Fools’ a touching lution, 4 Months is an absolutely sentimentalising his harrowing most adventurous, nor their melancholy. On some tracks Weeks & 2 Days brutal portrayal of an illegal subject. He forces one to view most vigorous. But it combines Merritt’s vocals are smoth- hotel-room abortion. Unlike last the hard-boiled nature of the these elements to be fun and ered by the effects, with some year’s Romanian hit, the frivolous totalitarian state, the sadistic abundant in energy, moving lyrics frustratingly difficult to Arts 12:08 East of Bucharest, this first abortionist and Otilia’s uncaring with real progression and direc- decipher. As with his earlier feature from Cristian Mungiu family warts and all. In the best tion; it is also an insightful and work, this is clearly a carefully Picturehouse pulls no punches as we’re taken of the film’s four set-pieces, you’ll at times haunting social com- considered album, and Mer- in quite shocking detail through see Otilia reduced to tears by her ment. Marking a turning point ritt’s commitment to reinvent- student Otilia’s (Anamaria snobbish in-laws. You’ll also see for the band, and remaining a ing his sound is impressive. It’s Marinca) efforts to secure the Otilia straight after she’s been landmark album for a whole frequently satisfying, but the Dir: Cristian Mungiu abortion for her docile friend raped, the insertion of the probe generation, this is a memora- sound means that the songs Gabita (Laura Vasiliu). This is no into Gabita’s body and the dead ble and enduring opus, a real are sometimes less memorable Film modern-day Vera Drake, how- foetus on the bathroom floor. And gem from one of Britain’s finest than they deserve to be. ever; 4 Months is commendably the film is all the more effective bands. Amara Sophia Elahi Dan Cohen ★★★★★ ugly, shot with wobbling cameras for it. Patrick Kingsley Listings Editors: Daniel Cohen, Oli Robinson and Verity Simpson Friday January 18 2008 26 VIEWListings [email protected] varsity.co.uk/listings film theatre music other going out Sweeney Todd Alcock Allstars Paul Potts ‘A Line From Dante’, Shit Disco (DJ set) Sat 19, Sun 20, Thurs 24 Jan, Fri 18 - Sat 19 Jan, ADC Mon 21st Jan, Corn Exchange, Professor George Thurs 24 Jan, Fez, 22.00-03.00, Vue and Arts Picturehouse, Theatre, 23.00 19.30, £24 SOLD OUT £5 before 11, £7 after Various times Steiner Tue 22 Jan, Quiet Room, The final two days of Allcock I think Paul Potts won one of This charmingly named four Wolfson College, 18.00, free Directed by Tim Burton, Allstars’ improvised comedy those Talent Competitions. You piece conjure images of a starring the ubiquitous, yet week are a must see, if they know the sort. The ones where utopian world in which pooing This O.G. has previously pick still quirky, Johnny Depp aren’t already sold out. Each you are encouraged to laugh at on the dancefloor is no longer tackled Heidegger and as well as Burton’s wife, night of the week has offered borderline disabled people taboo. Until that glorious day, Dostoyevsky; now he turns Helena Bonham-Carter. a different show (see below and then gleefully point as we’ll have to make do with his attentions to another In an adaptation from the for specifics), a testament their fragile hopes get pissed their take on indie/electro. of cheery soul, Dante. Steiner Sondheim musical, Depp plays to this team’s versatility on by some poorly educated This DJ set will see them is a European intellectual of the demon barber amidst and talents. They’ve earned egomaniac. Well done Paul. playing the usual angular, the old school, and a former songs and brutal violence, all excellent reviews from both The fact that his face is made of jittery fair, alongside some the Extraordinary Fellow at portrayed through Burton’s the Times and the Guardian, plasticine and that he has a very classics (the band lists the Cambridge. Expect him to riff unique vision. and have rapidly been gaining similar name to the man who Prodigy and Donna Summer on philosophy, literature, the a reputation in Cambridge killed 1.7 million Cambodians among its influences). week art of translation, and many for being the Footlights’ just goes to show that anyone writers that you ought to main rival. Go and judge for can succeed. Even you. So go on. No need to bring a nappy. know more about. yourself, and enjoy an hour of Line up and be humiliated by “adrenaline-fuelled comedy.” Simon Cowell. The prick.

friday 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Julius Caesar Adore Ethiopian Encounters: Destination Ibiza Beach Days ADC Theatre, 19.45 Ska Ska Ska, 18:30, £5 A British Expedition to Party Arts Picturehouse, 12.00, Alcock Allstars: Pappy’s Fun Ethiopia in the 1840s Queen’s, 21.00-00.45, £5, bring 16.45, 19.00 Club I imagine these guys do Ska Fitzwilliam Museum, free your student card Heima ADC Theatre, 23.00, £5/£6 music or something. Arts Picturehouse, 12.00 Last chance to catch this exhibiton (ends Sunday) saturday Sweeney Todd Far Away aDORE Francis Davison Not worth braving the streets 18 Vue, 18.20, 21.20 Judith E. Wilson Drama Studio, The Graduate 19.30, £4 Kettle’s Yard, free of Cambridge. Be nice to your Charlie Wilson’s War English Faculty, 21.00 body for once. Vue, 16.30, 19.00, 21.30 Julius Caesar These guys dont turn off the Last chance to catch this St. Trinian’s ADC Theatre, 14.30, 19.45 caps lock key. Oh no they dont. exhibiton (ends Sunday) Vue, 10.45, 13.15, 15.45, Alcock Allstars: Scratch Impro rOCK oN. 18.10, 20.40 ADC Theatre, 23.00, £5/£6 sunday P.S. I Love You Newnham Anonymous Air Traffic Patrick Hemmerle Christ’s May Ball 2008 19 Vue, 14.30, 17.30, 20.30 Players Present: Far Away The Junction, 19.00, £11 Old Library, Emmanuel Launch Party It’s Gonna Get Worse Judith E. Wilson Drama College, 21.00, £2 Fez, 21.00-02.00, Free with Arts Picturehouse, 14.30 Studio, English Faculty, 21.00 I just listened to these guys on student card The Kite Runner myspace and they sound a bit French concert pianist Arts Picturehouse, 12.00, like christian rock. Hemmerle plays works by 21.10 Bach, Chopin, and Brahms. monday No Country For Old Men Oliver Cromwell banned Paul Potts From Reason to Revolution: Fat Poppadaddys 20 Arts Picturehouse, 13.30, theatrical performances. Mon 21st Jan, Corn Exchange, Art and Society in Fez, 22.00-03.30, £3 before 11, 16.00, 18.30, 21.00 He would love Mondays in 19.30, SOLD OUT Eighteenth Century Britain £4 after Charlie Wilson’s War Cambridge. Fitzwilliam Museum, free Vue, 14.00, 16.30, 19.00, 21.30 See pick of the week

tuesday No Country For Old Men Perspectives Alison Moyet Geoffrey Coombe and Friends Ebonics 21 Arts Picturehouse, 13.30, ADC Theatre, 19.45 Corn Exchange, 19.30, SOLD in Association with Trinity Fez, 22.00-03.00, £2 before 11, 16.00, 18.30, 21.00 Chekhov Double Bill: The OUT College Music Society Present £4 after Breach Bear and The Night Before Jazz Record Listening Sessions: Vue, 14.30 The Trial My dad likes Alison Moyet. Miles and Monk: Jazz Originals Corpus Playrooms, 21.30, When I was little I once asked Lecture Room 1, Music Faculty, £4/£5.50 why she sounded like a man. 19.30-21.30, £6/£4 wednesday Dan In Real Life Perspectives Darkest Hour Go see that Romanian Rumboogie [Cindies] 22 Vue, 20.50 ADC Theatre, 19.45 The Graduate, 19.30, £9 abortion film. I hear it’s a Ballare, 21.00-02.00, £4-£5 Lust Caution Chekhov Double Bill: The laugh. Arts Picturehouse, 11.00, Bear and The Night Before Political Metalcore. “Full Metal You love it really. 14.30, 20.45 The Trial Jacket Metal with a barrage of The Golden Compass Corpus Playrooms, 21.30, madness”. You know the sort. Vue, 13.50, 16.40, 19.30 £4/£5.50

thursday Sweeney Todd Perspectives Whole Lotta Led “When Church Meets State: Shit Disco 23 Vue, 15.30, 18.20, 21.20 ADC Theatre, 19.45 The Junction, 19.00, £13 A History of the Religious Fez, 22.00-03.00, £5 before 11, Breathless ( A Bout de Chekhov Double Bill: The Influence on American £7 after Souffle) Bear and The Night Before A Led Zeppelin tribute act. Foreign Relations”, Dr Arts Picturehouse, 17.00 The Trial Or maybe just a load of light- Andrew Preston, Dirac Room, See pick of the week Corpus Playrooms, 21.30, emitting diodes. Blinking away Fisher Building, St. John’s, 24 £4/£5.50 all night long. 17.30, free More... Theatre promises to be amusing, in a Other Going Out is unlikely to grace the sort of QI-esque fashion, Union bar. It should be Anthropology asking questions Transcendental Shut Up and Dance! a crowdpleasing affair such as “If rowing nonetheless. Dude’s got some Wed 23rd - went out of fash- Meditation Society Presents Coldcut skills, and with roots in hip Sat 26th, ADC ion in the 11th Introductory Talk (Jon More DJ set) hop and dance stretching back Theatre, 23.00 century, why two decades, it should be a set do people still Tuesday 22nd, Seminar of bangers. Perfect for anyone As if the ADC do it?” A press- Room 1, Darwin College, Friday 18th, The Union, who likes to pretend that the hasn’t offered us ing question for 20.00 21.00-01.00, £3 before 10, 90s never ended. enough already, the majority of £5 after, free for union they whip out an an- Cambridge stu- Amidst the constant hustle of members thropologist’s dream dents, I imagine. Cambridge living, treat yourself - a Materialist History At any rate, it’s been to some otherworldly downtime. Don’t be fooled by the of the World in One Hour. described as “As fast as Claims to provide inner and billing - this is just one Don’t let the academic na- Parker, as wild as Tarka, as outer fulfilment, and to make half of Coldcut, and their ture of the title put you off, it funny as Farquhar.” Excellent. studying easier and less stressful. famous audio/visual trickery Friday January 18 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/arts [email protected] REVIEW 27 Austen-tatious? What is it with Austen and TV adaptations? Alice Palmer finds Dickens a better televisual proposition

BC drama commissioners. If you’re looking for The comedy Austen drew out of banal middle-class demic Rachel Brownstein points out, this trickery of a New Year’s Resolution, I know where you can culture, when placed in these luxurious settings, is Austen’s sceptical narrator ‘speaks to the portions Bstart. I’ll even forgive you Holby City. Will you please, replaced by almost offensive indulgence. of our brains that suspect romantic fiction.’ Austen’s for the love of god, leave Jane Austen alone. Dickens, Back to Dickens. A frustrated actor, his novels are novels do not abandon idealism altogether, and her yep, you can have him. Whimsical characters, sweep- shot through with a theatrical sensibility: his dia- Elizabeth still weds Darcym as Richardson’s Pamela ing London street scenes – he was made for drama- logue comes to life on the page and his wacky accents does Mr B. However, such idealism as Darcy’s choice tisation. But if I see one more empire-line dress, were clearly thought out phonetically. His openings of love over money in the frantic marriage-market hear one more coy twitter from the direction of the are cinematic as they swoop over locations and of the early nineteenth century finds an TV, I swear I will scream. Austen herself didn’t like characters. In short, he was made for per- internal counterpoint in her narrator. By the twittering, and ridiculed her more overexcitable formance on screen. Probably the best of internalising that criticism Austen denies characters remorselessly. Yet switch on the Beeb’s recent adaptations was the BBC’s Bleak her critics the opportunity to mock her latest Sense and Sensibility and I can guarantee House. Deliberately, appropriately popu- characters. In film and television ver- you’ll have a headache within minutes. Most of the list, it ran in half-hour episodes straight sions of her novels, however, there is no women rattle through their lines with a constant after Eastenders. A Sunday teatime balm narrator to offer a sage, timely interjec- emotional wobble to their voice, at a pitch that choir- accompanying tea and cake with twiddly tion. Austen’s narrator is not only joy- boys struggle to reach. music it was not. The problem with Austen fully sharp-witted, but forms a crucial Then there’s the inaccuracy. The critic Juliet McMas- adaptations is that viewers enjoy feeling element of her novels’ structure which ter wrote that ‘the landowning country gentleman is cultured (it’s in period costume! it was a adaptations invariably drop. Austen builds close to a prince as her heroines approach’, and Austen book!) while fixating on the most inciden- sympathy between readers and her hero- goes to great lengths to show how boringly middle-class tal part of the original novels: the love ines by blurring the thoughts of her narrator most of her protagonists are. Even story. In fact, Austen was never and her more heroic characters, and this Emma, the closest we get to aristocra- sentimental in the literary sense, intimacy sits in stark contrast to the cy, is firmly embedded in an embar- and one of the joys of her books chasm separating the narrator rassingly provincial clique. Yet most is their almost total scepticism from Austen’s malignant adaptations look suspiciously like about sentimental slush. or more unattractive they’re sponsored by the National It was Austen who reclaimed characters. Trust. Now, I know that most modern romantic fiction, who drafted Film or television ver- readers don’t stand to inherit in a cutting, ever-questioning sions of Austen’s novels country estates, and are, rea- narrator to save the genre are overly stark places, sonably enough, impressed from a trashy fate. In fact, without the mediating by attractively antique-y this ironic look back at voice of the narrator looking minor wealth. earlier sentimental novels to take the edge off the But this televisual su- – Samuel Richardson’s unfair situations in which persizing goes too far; work, for instance – her heroines inevitably even in ITV’s recent actually dampens wind up, and the troglo- reworking of Per- the reader’s own dytes presented to them suasion, a parable cynicism about ro- as potential husbands. So of making-do, mance, and allows please, commissioners: characters who Austen to make I don’t like starkness, are supposed to her inevitable especially not in Janu- be in the throes happy endings ary. Just let me have of tragic levels of genuinely the books, and read economising swan affecting. them in peace, with- around lavish set- Indeed, as out all that lake- tings, perfectly coiffed. the aca- jumping malarkey. Faulkner vs. Amis vs. Decency What do Martin Amis and William Faulkner have in common? They’re both ardent agitators, saysLuke W. Roberts

n an interview with the public affairs magazine So, do we simply discount the statement and put it Reporter in 1956, William Faulkner spoke about down to Faulkner’s alcoholism, or begin looking for an segregationI in Southern schools, particularly the case of unconscious racism in his novels and stories? It’s true Autherine Lucy, who had tried to enrol at the all-white that there’s a latent strain of ‘white man’s burden’ senti- University of Alabama with the help of the NAACP. He ment; it’s the ‘responsibility’ of the Southern man to said,“If that girl goes back to Tuscaloosa she will die. allow African-Americans respect and equality. Perhaps Then the top will blow off. The government will send its before WWII this was a remarkably enlightened position troops and we’ll be back at 1860. They must stop pushing for a Southern aristocrat to take, but by 1956 it stinks of these people. The trouble is the North doesn’t know that patronising discrimination. country. They don’t know the South will go to war. But In the case of Faulkner, an author I respect and if it came to fighting I’d fight for Mississippi against the admire, I’m tempted just to sweep it under the carpet United States even if it meant going out into the streets and concentrate on the aesthetic quality of his work, but and shooting Negroes. I will go on saying that the South- that’s not possible, and certainly not the right thing to do. erners are wrong and that their position is untenable, This kind of thing happens time and again; reading a bi- but if I have to make the same choice Robert E. Lee made ography of ee cummings, it turns out that he was a rabid then I’ll make it.” anti-Semite, a fact that one can’t un-know, and which Though he’d been drinking heavily that morning and colours our reading of his work even though his general claimed to have been misquoted, these brazenly offensive sentiment is of a deep love of humanity. comments are deeply troubling to anyone familiar with And, to bring things up to date, now we have Martin Faulkner’s work. His novels contain humane portraits of Amis making obnoxious comments about Islam left, African-Americans, developed more fully and more sym- right and centre. The difference is, in Faulkner’s case pathetically than any other prewar American novelist. there’s some sense of conflict and disparity between Take Dilsey, maid to the Compson family in The Sound the man and his work; a consideration of his complex and the Fury, and the only character with any dignity attitude to race perhaps even deepens our understand- by the end of the book. Or Joe Christmas, whose search ing and appreciation of his achievements. Amis’ unre- for racial identity forms the plot of ‘Light in August’. Or pentant idiocy, particularly in his letters responding to ‘Intruder in the Dust’, an anti-lynching tract which was criticisms, simply strengthen the argument that he’s turned into an MGM film in 1949, the same year the not very good at writing, and he’s even worse at being a author won the Nobel Prize. decent person. No one does cinema like Cambridge University TM Society bar room bar Transcendental grafton centre • cambridge Corn Exchange Street, Cambridge CB2 3QF Meditation

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Don’t take our word for it - Come and see for yourself! Cambridge University Students’ Union Ents Friday January 18 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT 29

News from the River SPORT IN BRIEF

Perhaps it is fi tting that another last year our Blue Boat not only U21s Fail To Make Early American should bring news of won on the day, but also took the Pressure Pay the women’s side of Cambridge gold medal at the British Uni- rowing, after the updates from versity rowing championships, This year’s U21 Varsity game, the CUBC last term. For this fi rst beating Oxford for a second time. traditional curtain-raiser to the main column, I believe that CUWBC I can brag because it wasn’t me event later on in the day, was one of deserves a bit of explanation - that rowed in that boat. In fact, unfulfi lled promise for a Cambridge tucked away with our training last year I was rowing for my col- team that previously had swept all as we usually are (until after our lege, having noviced there in 2004. before them in a maelstrom of at- Boat Race perhaps). Because the women’s and light- tacking rugby. Compared to the men, we row weight men’s boat races are low- The match started brightly for and train about the same – that er profi le than the CUBC’s, with Cambridge, as the pack put enough is, to the average Cambridge stu- fewer helicopters, and only the pressure on the Oxford forwards dent, a completely mad amount. viewers on the banks at Henley, to win two penalties in front of the When told that we train twelve CUWBC has a strong relation- posts. Unbelievably, the bandaged times every week, the coach of ship with the colleges, sourcing leg of fl y-half Will Balfour categori- another Cambridge team (re- most of its rowers from their cally failed to make the most of ei- maining nameless) responded, fi rst boats and novice squads. ther opportunity, meaning that de- ‘How? - There are only seven Last September saw many dif- spite dominating early exchanges days in the week!’ But you’ve ferent techniques and approaches the score was still 0-0. The Oxford heard about all of the training to the sport, all coming together backs looked more threatening from from the men’s side, the differ- to learn the university style. the start, and when a neat dummy ence with ours being that we row Now, just back from our Janu- from the Oxford fl y-half split the de- in the mornings, via 5:58am train ary training camp, our squad of fence, some quick handling opened to Ely. If you’ve never seen the former college rowers is taking the scoring for Oxford through their cathedral in the light of dawn, I shape, with the heavyweight re- left winger Catling. This was not would recommend that you do it serve crew, Blondie, looking espe- converted, meaning that Cambridge once… that’s probably enough. cially strong in comparison with were still fi rmly in the game when But I digress. With little fi - in years past. In our fi nal 2000m Alfy Weston, the Cambridge scrum- nancial support and an unpaid race of training camp, Blondie half and new kicker, slotted a penalty coach (recently honoured with pushed the Blue Boat hard, re- to bring the score to 5-3 at half time. a Special Award for a Lifetime sulting in both of the boats clock- Despite going down to another Contribution to Coaching by rowing quicker times. As well as a Catling try, Cambridge continued ing’s governing body), we none- packed programme of races in to fi ght valiantly, but kept putting theless compete at the highest February, the Women’s Eights themselves under unnecessary pres- levels of UK rowing. We row in Head of the River race, held on sure. After 65 minutes, an Oxford races ranging from Fairbairns on the tideway on March 1st, will be Emma vet, Sam Cutts (pictured above on her horse Piccola Star), penalty was converted into points to the Cam, to the Women’s Head especially important, pitting our represented GB at the recent Student Nations World Cup Final over leave the score at 13-3. This is how it of the River over the course Boat Race crews against Oxford New Year. Winning a gold in the team showjumping event, and stayed until full-time, leaving Cam- of the men’s boat race on the in a time trial just weeks before bronzes in team dressage as well as the fi nal standings, Sam was the bridge to rue the defensive lapses Thames. Of course, our focus is the Easter Sunday Henley races. highest placed rider in the team, putting her in contention for a place that led to the two game-breaking on the Henley Boat Races and Samantha Elizabeth Bennett in the national team for the forthcoming world championships. tries. Games & puzzles Varsity crossword no. 477 gave up. (5) Kakuro Fill the grid so that each run of squares adds up to the total in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 25 Tiger lost energy and the box above or to the left. Use only numbers 1-9, and never use a number more than once per run (a number may reoccur sprawled in sand. (4) in the same row in a separate run). 28 Listener, if enormous, hides © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore island. (8) COMPETITION 9 10 29 Enjoy condiment. (6) Win a bottle of wine from our friends at Cambridge Wine 3 17 Merchants. 30 Advertisement in fl ight inci- 11 Re-arrange the letters by rotating the discs to create six 11 dent. (30) separate six-letter words leading in to the centre. Email your 25 23 31 Confused boy due to be answer to [email protected] 21 brought to the surface. (6) 12 13 14 ??? 10 14 17 17 Down 15 16 W S 9 10 1 Man with brother in the East A 17 A 4 8 fi nds dessert. (8) C 2 Bad photograph? (8) E 14 N L 15 18 19 3 Turnip nurturer starts to uri- C R 5

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per row or column. Shaded squares may not be horizontally or C 8 Man swallows scrambled bird W vertically adjacent. Unshaded squares must form a single area. 26 27 for cat. (6) © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 11 A French man the German 28 29 stick inside when lacking work- EDELSHAIN MADE BY ADAM 5 2 2 3 6 6 3 ers? (12) 28 15 Arse diameter begins to be 6 3 7 4 1 4 2 depressing. (5) Sudoku 30 31 16 Period of time actor spent on The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only one condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the 4 5 3 6 7 2 7 this? (5) digits 1 through 9 exactly once. 18 God lost head about bird for © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 2 6 4 5 3 5 1 Across honesty? (4) a long time. (8) 8 9 13 Bring together you and no- 19 Miserable waster initially 1 Cover sign of tiredness (al- bleman, we hear. (5) threw up. (8) 3 6 1 4 2 4 5 7 7 1 7 most). (6) 14 Infernal writer loses head 21 Brand to cuddle up with? (6) 4 Flower is fake stone. (8) with initial bet. (4) 22 Inch or no inch, oddly sym- 1 2 1 7 6 7 2 5 3 9 Initially bored, I leave uglier 17 Veteran biter destroyed in- bolic. (6) 8 1 3 4 6 9 musician. (6) sect, perhaps. (12) 26 Cut corn, perhaps. (4) 6 6 1 5 4 3 7 / MADE BY GARETH MOORE www.puzzlemix.com 10 Allow to go after thin glove. 20 Bloke’s mirth in killing. (12) 27 Guys you apparently list. (4) 9 8 (10) 23 Engrave in 19. (4) 9 2 5 6 4 3 Last issue’s solutions © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore © www.puzzlemix.com / Gareth Moore 12 Beginning of allegiance to 24 Mad evacuee returned, hid, Set by Miss Eater 8 9 3 6 2 7 4 5 1 6 21 2 7 6 2 3 1 5 7 5 4 2 9 8 1 3 7 6 5 3 7 6 7 2 2 6 5 4 3 15 12 7 5 4 3 8 9 2 11 17 6 1 2 9 28 8 9 3 6 5 2 4 1 7 2 7 5 8 3 9 6 1 4 The solutions for this week’s crossword will appear in the next issue. 18 6 4 2 6 7 3 7 3 6 1 6 5 2 9 3 1 4 6 5 7 2 8 4 7 5 1 23 4 8 6 7 1 2 9 3 5 4 3 7 9 6 1 4 4 2 5 3 6 3 6 1 6 9 2 7 4 5 8 3 2 1 5 1 6 2 3 5 1 7 1 7 2 8 3 5 6 1 4 9 13 7 5 1 2 2 3 4 3 5 4 1 9 8 2 6 7 6 2 / MADE BY GARETH MOORE www.puzzlemix.com 8 5 Sport editor: Henry Stannard and Luke Thorne Friday January 18 2008 30 SPORT [email protected] varsity.co.uk/sport

Gamblers Unlucky Blues just miss out Unanimous »Cambridge left off the piste after hard-fought contest on the slopes Even closer, however, was the Ed Peace & overall men’s result. So close in fact Niall Rafferty that Varsity offi cials found it dif- fi cult to award the overall title to the actual winning team. First Ox- Not surprisingly, given our blister- ford, then minutes later Cambridge ing fi nish to last term, news of the were awarded the title, winning by column’s return has sent shivers 0.3 seconds. However, after a mere down the spines of local bookmak- two hours of celebration the title ers. Michaelmas ended with a glo- was withdrawn and re-awarded to rious banker/long shot double and Oxford, who actually won by 0.92 after nine weeks we’ve already seconds. Rachael Nordby’s perform- quadrupled our starting stakes. ance was so good that her time was Rest assured we’ll be looking to taken for one of the men’s, causing compound the bookmakers’ misery this error. Nonetheless, all the men this term with tips that Posh Spice’s raced extremely well and to lose by hairdresser could only dream of. such a narrow margin demonstrates This week’s banker takes us to the competitiveness of both the White Hart Lane, where Totten- Oxford and Cambridge teams and ham play host to Roy Keane’s strug- the high standard of competition. gling Sunderland side. Tottenham’s The men’s second and third 1-0 defeat in the reverse fi xture on teams should also be congratu- the opening day of the season set lated on their efforts and the la- the tone for a disappointing cam- dies’ second team congratulated paign, yet Juande Ramos is gradu- for beating the Oxford second’s in ally repairing the damage. Sunder- both the Slalom and Giant Slalom. land, meanwhile, have been woeful In addition to the Varsity races, a away from home. They’ve collected Super G was held for the fi rst time just two away points all season and this year. Open to all those who com- have conceded as many away goals peted in the blues teams, Cambridge as Derby. Against the league’s top Pete Calvert burning once again produced some fantastic home scorers, the Mackems could the Super G on his way results. In the men’s Super G, Pete be in for a whipping. Whilst Spurs to 2nd place Calvert came second overall, with a will always give their opponents a combined time of 2:11.17 and Evan chance to score, their prolifi c strik- Scouros fi nished in third place, with ers should wreak havoc against a combined time of 2:13.18. The fast- the Wearsiders’ defence, so wise est single run was had by Pete Cal- money is on a Tottenham victory. vert, with a time of 1:05.30. In the Our prediction this week takes Laura Abram tions Cambridge triumphed. Rach- Giant Slalom with a combined time of ladies’ super G, Laura Abram, of us to Spain, where all is not well Sports Reporter ael Nordby, from Pembroke, taking 1:38.38. Evan Scouros, also from Trin- Newnham, was in second place af- in the city of Valencia. At Valen- the individual ladies’ title in both ity, had great individual success in ter the fi rst speed run, with a time cia Juan Bautista Soler has been In what must have been the clos- the slalom, with a combined time of the Giant Slalom, fi nishing in second of 1:23.03 but was disqualifi ed after throwing his considerable presi- est competition in a long time, 1:29.32 and in the Giant Slalom, with place, with a combined time of 1:37.84. missing a gate in the second run. dential weight around in taking a the Cambridge blues race teams a combined time of 1:44.09, thus win- It was the Giant Slalom also, in To summarise, Camilla Barnes, side containing the likes of Villa, narrowly missed taking away the ning the overall individual ladies’ which both Cambridge blues teams president of CUSSC said, ‘This is Joaquin and David Silva to seven overall team titles despite excel- prize. Rachael was presented with performed strongest: the men lead- one of the most successful years points above the drop zone, be- lent individual performances and ing with a time difference of 0.41 CUSSC have had in a long while ing sued for 80 million euros by team success in several events. seconds and the ladies with a differ- and the training the racers have former captain and midfi eld stal- As Selwyn hosted its snow ball ence of 1.49 seconds following this put in throughout the year has re- wart David Albelda in the proc- and others enjoyed Christmas bops “One of the most event. The competition was very ally paid off. CUSSC is continuing ess. Meanwhile city rivals Levante and formals, the University racers close and the advantage slight. As to go from strength to strength and are the laughing stock of La Liga, set out for Val Thorens for a week successful years for crowds gathered and the racers next year we hope for even more collecting a record-breaking eight of gruelling training, in preparation CUSSC” made their way to the top of the success.’ Could 2008 be the year for points from nineteen fi xtures and for the 86th Varsity Races. Looking piste for the fl oodlit Slalom, neither Cambridge to take away the titles? struggling even to get a squad to qualify for one of the two women’s university could be sure to take together from the players who or three men’s race teams, hopefuls away the overall title. Having won CAMBRIDGE BLUES LADIES TEAM : bothered to returned from the from Cambridge joined their Oxford the Keeley Cup by former president the slalom last varsity, Cambridge Laura Abram (Captain), Rachael winter break, having nor been paid rivals and committed to 18 hours of Patrick Keeley, for the ladies’ Giant were quietly confi dent, but a year of Nordby, Camilla Barnes, Stephanie since November. An accumula- training. The fi nal teams were decid- Slalom. In the men’s individual races training and a summer camp paid off Sgoda, George Rose, Emma Cohen tor on Villareal to beat Valencia at ed after time trials on Monday of Main Pete Calvert, from Trinity, took the for Oxford as they fi nished fi rst over- home and Mallorca to come away Week, the Varsity races taking place overall men’s prizes for the Slalom all this year in the slalom and went CAMBRIDGE BLUES MENS TEAM : Pete from Levante with a win at 7-2 the following day and additional rac- and Giant Slalom combined, fi nish- on to take the overall team prize, Calvert (Captain), Andy Wheble, looks almost too good to be true. es throughout the rest of the week. ing second in the Slalom, with a com- winning by fi fteen seconds over a Evan Scouros, Max Shepard, James It’s down to Ascot for the long In the individual Varsity competi- bined time of 1:18.93 and third in the total of sixteen minutes of racing. Pockson, Andy Chetwood shot. With the Cheltenham Festi- val, rapidly approaching, the competition steps up a gear this weekend as some of racing’s big guns What is it? Recruitment - who can join? Varsity Prospects? look to show their championship Captain’s e Modern Pentathlon consists We are an extremely diverse club, Our Varsity match is on the credentials. Schindlers Hunt should of running (3km), swimming which is something we’re proud 2/3/4th April this year and is to make a big impression in the Victor Corner (200m freestyle), shooting (air of. We welcome people of all be hosted by Oxford. e men’s Chandler Chase on Saturday. T`he pistols), fencing (epee) and standards to join and I’d like to team is looking strong and will Irish trained gelding is a real mud Modern Pentathlon showjumping. point out it’s still not too late for be picked after BUSA, giving lark and will love the soft conditions this year. Our coaches produce plenty of opportunities for forecast for Saturday. The obvious Noel Cochrane What is the training schedule fast progression. I had never people to fi ght for the places. danger is odds on favourite Twist like? shot or fenced and could not Oxford has lost a few of their key Magic, who has been successful on e club has set training for all swim very well when I joined, so players, but retain one of GB’s both his previous starts. This horse fi ve of the disciplines. ere is lack of experience certainly isn’t top pentathletes, so a lot rests will take some beating if he’s at his some sort of training everyday a barrier to entry. on how well they have recruited best, but the massive 12-1 being of- for roughly an hour and it’s usu- new stock. However, our skills fered on Schindlers Hunt gives us a ally coached. Season so far? events remain strong and we are good enough reason to oppose him. e club competed in the Seal- working on our physicals, which How did you get into it? The Banker 4-5 ions Pentathlon competition were our weakness last year. We TOTTENHAM TO BEAT I come from a riding family and last term held at Whitgift School eagerly await the big day. SUNDERLAND £4 background from which I had ex- with great results. We have a perienced Pony Club Tetrathlon. training weekend coming up with Prediction 7-2 Coming to university I wanted our Old Blues and a competition Mallorca and Villareal to beat to give something new a try at Millfi eld School before BUSA Levante and Valencia £3 which focused more on my own in March. We will also be return- performance. Pentathlon gave a ing to Millfi eld in March for a The Long shot 12/1 great mix of things I could do and training week before our Varsity Schindlers Hunt to win £1.5 each many that I had never attempt- match. Victor Chandler Chase way ed. After a week I was hooked. MICHAEL DERRINGER RUNNING TOTAL £33.30 Friday January 18 2008 Write for this section: varsity.co.uk/sport [email protected] SPORT 31

Roff day at the offi ce for Joe » Continued from back page Time and again they picked and drove with their forwards, but they couldn’t break through. Then they “Rugby for tried with their backs, but that wasn’t to be. Cambridge’s defence Girls” was monumental, never have I seen such passion and sheer dogged Moments after the end of term I, determination not to let the opposi- and around 36,000 others, jour- tion through. neyed to London for the two-day It was fi tting that it was Ross Blake Varsity Experience. That’s two who fi nally cleared Cambridge’s line, days, because, naturally, no trip kicking the ball into touch at the fi nal to the capital would be complete whistle. Blake’s performance through- without a night on the razz. Sure out the match was exemplary, be it as enough, amid the London lights, scrum-half or 10 he led his side with a cataclysm of noise, vanilla-scent- cool head and a near perfect performed smoke and potentially lethal ance. But it wasn’t a one man show; lasers, the figures of some over- Blake had the support of a tighter, excited Cambridge students stronger and simply better pack than were just distinguishable, jump- Oxford. The game was won in the ing up and down in adrenaline- tight with sterling performances by fuelled Fabric ecstasy, their eyes Jon Dawson and James Lumby in par- a-fire with the joy of living. I had ticular. The Blues backline was slick a feeling we weren’t in Kansas in attack and strong in defence; they any more, Toto. denied Oxford most of the ball used After physically and violently it well when they were in possession. dragging half our party from the Unfortunately for Joe Roff he was depths of the duvets, we finally denied the fairytale ending to his rugby vacated the house, missing a career that he had bitterly hoped for. couple of trains, and arrived at After the match he looked completely Twickenham, in the rain, feeling gutted, but was quick to complement and looking like we’d got on the his team, “I’ve pride in leading that wrong side of the bouncers on group of guys; I wouldn’t swop hav- Going nowhere: Oxford the doors of Life. Yet refusing to ing played this season, I have an im- drive into a light-blue lose heart, we made our way to mense sense of pride mixed with dis- wall around the fringe our seats to watch the U21s, ex- appointment.” But for the Cambridge cited by the prospect of seeing side the jubilation at a third Varsity SOPHIE PICKFORD people we actually know play. win in a row was more than evident. Although a disappointing result, the experience of watching the OXFORD CAMBRIDGE game was enjoyable. The songs Ross Blake Jon Dawson 8/10 Rupert Allhusen 1 Anthony Fitzpatrick 8/10 of some elaborately face-painted 6/10 Dan Rosen 2 Joe Clark 8/10 Oxford stallions bearing drums Hughes Hall St Edmund’s 5/10 Ricky Lutton 3 Jon Dawson 10/10 and what looked suspiciously DOB: 29/12/1979 DOB: 12/4/1980 6/10 Jon Chance 4 Trevor Boynton 7/10 like various forms of tribal weap- Height: 6ft Height: 6ft 4/10 Dylan Alexander 5 John Blaikie 8/10 on allowed us a terrifying taster Position: 15 Position: 3 7/10 Peter Wright 6 Richard Bartholomew 8/10 of the witty abuse to come. “We 8/10 Simon Ackroyd 7 Joe Wheeler 8/10 hate the tabs” - clearly the po- 6/10 Anthony Jackson 8 James Lumby 9/10 etry of the world’s finest young Blake led the team from the Dawson was the rock of the 7/10 Chris Mahoney 15 Hamish Murray 7/10 minds. front just as comfortable at 10 as scrum, absolutely crucial in the 5/10 Jonan Boto 14 Andy Stevenson 8/10 After a brief hiatus, during at his usual 9. His tactical kick- tight. His textbook early try set 5/10 Euan Sadden 13 Chris Lewis 9/10 which we shelled out an entire ing sets him apart from many the standard for the forwards for 6/10 Joe Roff (capt) 12 Sandy Reid 9/10 term’s student loan on some sog- players at University level and the remainder of the game, and 7/10 Tom Tombleson 11 James Wellwood 7/10 gy chips and a glorified fish fin- he used it to great advantage they duly followed his example. 7/10 Craig McMahon 10 Ross Broadfoot 8/10 ger – the Van of Life never seems during the Varsity Match. 7/10 BrendanMcKerchar 9 Ross Blake (capt) 10/10 to be there when you need it – we were back to our seats for the Blues’ match. Seventy-five minutes of bulging thighs later, and we suddenly found ourselves in Eviction time in the CUBC household the midst of great excitement, as the losing Oxford side began After a particularly lacklustre per- crew have to be famous pairs. Think Night Stand found a strong base the spare pair. to lay siege to the Cambridge formance at Fairbairns, which no “Guns” and “Roses” or “Cowboys” rhythm, eventually overcoming Seat Racing was, as ever, the pri- line. Thankfully, the heroic light doubt identifi ed elements within and “Indians”. The media can then True Love. In a manner reminiscent mary means of selection. Two four- blue defence was more than suf- the crew that needed addressing, as write some witty headlines on the of the Blue Boat’s win over Oxford man boats race side by side on a ficient to overcome any amount well as providing a wake-up call to race outcome and everyone is happy. last year, One Night Stand won the fi xed course over 1500 meters, with of huffing and puffing, and after the entire squad, the rowers of the This year, however, the rogues de- hard way – rowing around the out- coaches manning the start and fi nish a heart-stopping final minute, CUBC were faced with the most cided to push the limits of accepta- side of Surrey Bend. lines, as well as intermediate points our side of the stadium erupted important event of the Michaelmas bility and name the two crews “True After only 8 days of holiday, how- every 500 meters. The stroke rate into screams. I recognise that Term, Trial Eights. – the amount of strokes taken in one while my involvement in the Trial Eights is the only opportuni- minute – is set by the coaching staff, game, and yes, appreciation of ty the club has to race the full Boat and if exceeded, races are stopped, the rules, was tantamount, my Race course at pace prior to the race brought back, and restarted. The critical skill is perhaps somewhat itself. Preparation and training is point of all these steps is to control as lacking. So I went for a more conducted with the utmost concen- many variables as possible in what is knowledgeable male perspec- tration and demand. The two crews, often a highly subjective process. tive: “Ultimately, the outcome after being selected, are separated To illustrate, let us pretend that was a triumph for the greater completely, as coaches fi nd that any Boat A beat Boat B by 2 seconds in academic ability and character overlap in water time can result in run 1. The boats are then brought of the Cambridge side. Oxford’s heated arguments. Such behavior together and one person from Boat lack of either was epitomised may sound deplorable to the outside A – Man A - is switched with the cor- by their captain and suppos- observer, but it is essential to the responding person in Boat B: Man edly star player, Joe Roff, spend- year’s preparation. Trial Eights is B. The race is conducted again and ing the last twenty minutes as in simplest terms a mock Boat Race. times are compared. If in the second a spectator masquerading as a Thus, each crew treats the other as run Boat A and Boat B tie, the result full-back”. Very patriotic. Oxford, a fate that would surely get is interpreted as a 2 second win for And so it was that The on anyone’s nerves. Man A. Man A goes on to win all his Varsity Experience met its end But despite the tension of selec- Love” and “One Night Stand”. The ever, the Blues were back on the races, gets into the Blue Boat, races in a distressingly long, soggy tion and racing the weeks and months race itself was one of the best in re- road again for their notoriously Oxford and goes on to become the queue for Twickenham station, outside term are when a team truly cent memory. True Love shot out brutal annual training camp in Ban- leading character in a hit TV show but nevertheless on a particu- comes together, a fact that may have to an early lead of almost a length, yoles, Spain. Aiming to shake down called House. larly positive note. Well done manifested itself in somewhat atypical holding its advantage around Ful- the twenty athletes remaining its With the Boys in Blue now safely Cambridge. names for the two Trial Eights crew. ham Bend when One Night Stand goal is to develop the fi rst concrete returned to Blighty, their attentions It is tradition for the team to name had the advantage. However, after ranking that will lead to “shadow” will now be turning inexorably to fi - Alice Tyler each of the two boats; the only ‘rule’ the course straightened out leading boats – lineups that will eventually nal selection for their shot at glory. is that the labels bestowed upon each up to Hammersmith Bridge, One turn into the Blue Boat, Goldie and Friday Janaury 18 2008 varsity.co.uk/sport

Skiing p30 Christmas round-up SPORT inside Blues hold out for Varsity win » Roff retirement starts with sour grapes as Cambridge savour champagne occassion

Triumphant Blues celebrate hard-earned victory SOPHIE PICKFORD

CAMBRIDGE into oblivion. Despite being under- their dominance and took the match coming off his wing to feed the ball trol of the match; several well TRIES: DAWSON; MALANEY; LUMBY dogs, Tony Rodgers, Cambridge’s to Oxford, come the mid-point of the to fullback Chris Mahoney who placed chip kicks through brought CONS: FIORI (2) 22 PENS: BROADFOOT coach, commented that his team fi rst half and Cambridge were lead- ran in a try. McMahon’s conversion the Blues valuable territory. A sec- OXFORD were “confi dent from minute one”; ing in both possession and territory. brought Oxford the lead and put the ond driven over try, this time going TRIES: MAHONEY CONS: MCMAHON which was translated into points The pace of the game slowed a lit- pressure on Cambridge just min- to Tom Malaney, saw Cambridge PENS: MCMAHON 16 as Jon Dawson scored a try from tle as both sides resorted to several utes before half time. Roff knocked spring back into the game. Having DROP : MCMAHON (2) a textbook driven maul from fi ve periods of timid kicking exchanges on 20m out from the Cambridge lost their only regular place kicker, metres out. Ross Broadfoot sent as neither dared risk anything too line moments later, denying him a Juliano Fiori, a backrow replace- george towers the conversion just short, but a fi ve fancy in case it backfi red. try that may well have proved fatal ment, stepped up and took the hon- Sports Reporter point early lead was just what the for the light blues. Going into half ours with a well taken conversion. Blues needed to settle their nerves For player ratings and time Oxford led 10-8. With the match at 16-15 to Oxford Over the course of a season Cam- and put the pressure on Oxford to further match analysis, Early after the resumption of victory was well within the grasp of bridge had, at times, been woeful. raise their game. play Oxford extended their lead either side. With ten minutes remain- Finding form only with a couple The Blues continued mounting up turn to page 31 with a penalty; Cambridge’s mis- ing, Cambridge’s rampaging No.8 of narrow victories in the run up the pressure with a Broadfoot pen- ery was compounded when fl y-half James Lumby smashed through for to the Varsity jamboree, the book- alty, which extended their lead by a One aspect of the match in which Ross Broadfoot left the pitch with what would prove to be the winning ies were predicting apocalypse further three points. However, the the Blues were absolutely on top, and an injury. A backs reshuffl e saw try. Again Fiori made the conversion against an Oxford side marshalled inevitable dark blue fi ght back came, never looked like faltering, was up- captain Blake move to the 10 posi- taking the score to 16-22. by Cambridge reject Joe Roff that and it was none other than the infa- front. Towards the end of the fi rst half tion, a position he had played be- For the last ten minutes of the had won ten of their twelve fi x- mous Joe Roff who led his side from Jon Dawson and his boys destroyed fore but not under such high pres- match, Oxford literally threw eve- tures. However, inspired by the the front. Playing at outside centre the Oxford pack, continuing their sure conditions. Another McMahon rything at Cambridge’s try line. prospect of a hat-trick of victories, Roff scythed through the midfi eld rock-solid performance in the tight. drop goal further punished the light For one nail biting minute after an- the boys in light blue came of age putting Craig McMahon in a prime Half an hour into the match, Jo- Blues, who hadn’t looked threaten- other the dark Blues camped on the and unleashed a tsunami of attack- position to slot a drop goal. nan Boto, Oxford’s winger, exploit- ing since early in the match. Cambridge line. ing rugby that swept the dark blues The Blues quickly reasserted ed a gap in the Cambridge defence, Playing at 10, Blake seized con- Continued on page 31