The Purchase

ISSUE 98

INDY INVESTIGATION The Quest for The Lady Panthers: Campbell Alive or Extinct? Students Seek Evil Dead Star By Jill Liptak and David Nora to Speak at Purchase By Patrick Cassels “In the dictionary the word lady is defined in many ways. Here are some of those In the summer of 1979, a pack of kids ways: from Michigan piled into a yellow ’73 Oldsmobile A well-mannered and considerate Classic and headed off to a desolate cabin in the woman with high standards of proper behavior. backwoods of rural Tennessee. Three months A woman regarded as proper and virtuous. A and untold gallons of fake blood later they well behaved young girl. A woman who is the returned to civilization, bringing with them 85 head of a household. minutes of the goriest, goofiest footage put on to But did you know our female sports film to date, The Evil Dead. teams are known as ‘The Lady Panthers’? A quaint tale of systematically slaugh- Thats right, our nice little ladies who were tered campers, The Evil Dead escaped the B- smart enough and lucky enough to get into col - movie purgatory of the $5.99 Wal-Mart bargain lege are now able to join the cute little sports bin as carnage-craving college students sought teams of Purchase. What is this? A twilight out late-night screenings of the gore-fest at zone episode? If a woman is making a lay-up, remote drive-ins throughout the Midwest, turning or spiking a volleyball, the last thing I’m think - the $375,000 movie into the multi-million-dollar ing about is how well behaved, and virtuous cult trilogy it is today, and launching the one-of-a- she is. This is insanely sexist, and I think it’s kind career of its Stooges-like, chainsaw-handed antihero, Bruce Campbell. important for everyone on this campus to real - used…even on our schedules, its Panthers not Since The Evil Dead, Campbell has ize how ridiculous it is that a fairly progressive Lady Panthers,” said Samantha Regan, fresh- amassed an unmistakable resume of schlock- liberal school still has to fight against the idea man, undeclared. horror masterpieces lengthier than the collected that women must be nice little ladies, act a cer - But the school did use the works of Tom Cruise—though Campbell’s proj- tain way and in return get treated and seen in term…once upon a time. The term “Lady ects have traditionally included less making love that light. Dear Purchase, if you feel it neces - Panthers” began in the early eighties. Female Continued on Page 8... sary to call our female sports team the ‘Lady students and the athletic director at the time Panthers’ please plan on changing the male actually picked out the name. Purchase was jerseys to read ‘Gentleman Pathers’ as well.” not the only school to have the word “Lady” in Angry and eager for action, a front of their women’s sport teams. The uni- Purchase students submitted this small article forms use to have this title written on the back hoping to enlighten the student body but it has been removed and, throughout the “I think it’s important for everyone on Recreation and Intramurals main office, the this campus to realize how ridiculous it is that a coach’s business cards and all sport pamphlets fairly progressive liberal school still has to fight use “Women’s [sport team].” against the idea that women must be nice little Ernie Palmer, Director of Recreation ladies,” she said. and Intramurals, says, “In my 20 odd years, this We thought it was important as well; is the first complaint.” so as hard-working reporters we set out to find There was no hidden sexism con- the hidden sexism in our school’s sports teams. cerning the alleged “Lady Panthers.” There After countless time spent researching and was a mislead student. Where is it that a stu- interviewing, we were perplexed by the lack of dent would get such false information on such information we were receiving. The term ‘Lady’ an important topic? By someone she trusted was not present on the teams’ jerseys or ros- the most to inform her: her professor. ters. There was still no concrete evidence of This situation is slightly disturbing. In the term ‘Lady’ or dissatisfaction about it. a school where we pay thousands of dollars to “I really don’t think the title is really Continued on Page 8... Letter from the Editors

Dear Purchase Students,

Chief Editors: Bill Reese Over the course of the six years that the Steven Tartick Independent has been a presence at Purchase, it has Assistant Editor: come to occupy a special niche as the paper that prints Emily Farrell wacky student submissions from the witty to the vulgar. Office Manager: But along with this, it has developed a bit of a stigma, and Mark Schroeder has gained a reputation for being a rag of a publication full L a yout Editor: of dick and boob jokes with no content or reliability; that Kait Sudol the staff doesn’t care or take the paper seriously. But this D i s t r i b ution Superv i s o r: semester, we believe that The Independent has finally Robert Stewart-Rogers outgrown puberty. Business Manager: Since September, we have been making a lot of Alice Gullotta changes internally, including granting more people posi- Crack Team: tions of responsibility and creating the first ever staff of Patrick Cassels writers. With these changes, we hope that we can still Mattie Davitt have our dick and boob jokes, but can transform the The Jessie LaBarbera Independent into a place where students can turn for both Kristin Whitcomb entertainment and reliable information. Sable Yong One change that you will start to notice on our Nathan Parrotte pages this semester is the “Indy Editorial.” These are submission. We have always been a place for any stu- Writers: opinion pieces that are written by members of the writing dent’s voice to be heard and we will continue to be quirky Graham Beekman staff, but that have been researched. In a way these and alternative in addition rude, vulgar and obnoxious on Matt Caputo pieces embody what we want the paper to be in a larger some level. Only now, for our part, we’re going to do it Patrick Cassels sense: yes, they are opinionated and they are clearly writ- with our new thesaurus. Karl Custer ten in a student’s voice, but they are also informative and Coming up in three weeks (after the Indy takes Joshua Kurp educated. a week off), don’t miss our 100th issue… in 3-D. We’ll be Jessie LaBarbera There are also times when we feel the need to reprinting the first issue from 2001. All of the images in the Jill Liptak do some objective reporting. Such was the case with our issue will be in 3-D, glasses included. In the spring, look David Nora article on the Segway controversy, and this week’s piece for our first Naked Issue—all Independent, all naked. We’ll Tosaporn Sasitorn on the Lady Panthers. These “Indy Investigations” will be accepting naked-related articles and holding open calls Kristin Whitcomb attempt to set the record straight on issues and rumors for people to pose for photos. These are just a couple Chester Wilcox floating around campus, in a way only that T h e things coming up in what should be a really great 2005- Artists: Independent can. 2006 school year. Danyelle Thillet Anybody who is interested in joining the writing Josh Rubino staff can attend the weekly meetings at 7:30 P.M. on Robert Stewart-Rogers Thursdays in the Independent office in CCN. At these Kate Sullivan short meetings you can pitch your ideas or if you can’t come up with something, offer to write one of our ideas. If The Purchase Independent is a non-profit you are more visually oriented, we are also creating an newspaper, paid for by the mandatory student graphic staff which will meet Tuesdays at 7.30 P.M. Your activity fee. The Purchase Independent welcomes letters talents will be put to use in making images for the articles. from the readers. We are an open forum for cam- pus issues and comments about the Of course, we will still welcome the unsolicited Emily Farrell, Bill Reese & Steven Tartick Independent’s coverage. The deadline for letters to be considered for publication in the following issue is Tuesdays at midnight. After that, you must bribe us with candy. The editors reserve the right to edit the letters for clarity. Publication of letters is not guar- enteed, but subject to the discretion of of the edi- tors. Advertising space in The Independent is free. As space is limited, The Independent cannot guarentee immediate publication of ads. Editors will determine which ads go in based upon their timeliness. Outside advertisers are also wel- come. Event listings are also free of charge. To list an event either call or e-mail The Independent. We prefer that submissions come to us elec- t r o n i c a l l y. Our e-mail address is: [email protected] You can also leave material in the Student Government office, Room 1012 in CCN. Backpage quotes can be left in the Back Page box, a makeshift container nailed to the wall outside our office, CCN 1011. Our office is located on the first floor of Campus Center North, room 1011. Whenever we’re working, we leave the doors open and encourage people to come in and say hello. Our o ffice hours are Tuesdays at 7:00 pm and Wednesdays at 4:00 pm. The opinions expressed in The Purchase Independent are not necessarily those of the staff of The Purchase Independent or the PSGA. The content printed in the Independent and subsequent pull-put sections is the responsi- bility of the authors, not the editors. The Backpage is satirical, and should not be taken literally. Finally, no anonymous submissions will be considered. Instead, they will be fed to our very own pink panther. So don’t send ‘em.

B O R I S , G R O W I N G , T H E H I D D E N H A N D , L U N C H W I T H B E A R D O : T H U R S A T 8 I N T H E S T O O D * and Alumni don’t suffer from this problem from – like enhanced internet services, better heat- Flooding Highlights what I’ve heard, so the majority of the problem ing systems, increased security and no flood- is in Big Haus and Farside. Should the college ing. Poor State of D o r m s really be spending money, time and labor on Crystal Tyndall, sophomore Big Haus By Kristin Whitcomb building brand spankin’ new dorms if the old resident, had to rearrange her furniture ones aren’t in the best shape? Should the because of the danger of her cords being There aren’t many things worse than needs of current students be put on hold for the engulfed in puddles of water leaking through dragging yourself out of bed at 8:30 on a the window on her side. And if the fire Monday morning for class. Unless, of alarms are ever actually right and not course, you drag yourself out of bed only just alerted by the marijuana smoke, an to find your floor flooded with ice-cold electrical fire plus water equals disaster. rainwater. What is especially odd is that the prob- Many students complain about lem isn’t in the basement, but on the dorm life – their hallmates blare music, ground floor and that the flooding does- the bathrooms are disgusting, the rooms n’t spread to other rooms (not that I’m are either boiling hot or freezing cold with complaining, because Crystal lives no happy medium, etc. But the main com- across from me!) plaint this past week was the abundant John Delate, head of Resident Life, amount of water where no water should said “We did have an unprecedented conceivably be – in the dorm rooms. amount of rain the past two weeks, and This week was not fun – an Photograph by Mattie Davitt the entire region was impacted by it. On average of two to three inches of rain a the campus a number of buildings day, the flooded mall, the grumpy student leaked from the heavy rain. We have a population – but imagine how much worse it future ones? I don’t think so. Instead of trying to contractor working on repairing the sources of would be if your one sanctuary from the evils of attract new students, the administration should the leaks this week.” I guess it’s better late than the world was in the same state as the outside. be concentrating on making the present popu- never! Leaking windows and wet floors and furniture lation happy and at ease so they remain at There are inconveniences to dorm do not make for happy residents, but facilities Purchase (thus maintaining a low transfer rate, life; I can live with the occasional loud music, seems to be slow to react to the dorm crisis which looks good on paper) and donate money extreme heat or freezing cold and skuzzy bath- (similar to President Bush in the Hurricane as alumni. Instead of proposing to spend $15 rooms. But flooded dorm rooms? That’s not an Katrina situation!). million on redecorating the mall and campus, inconvenience, that’s unsanitary, dangerous Outback, Crossroads, the apartments funds should be directed to improving dorm life and unacceptable. day than Google.com does). I typed in “Rupert A news brief that I found from the day Murdoch Hearts Murdoch buys Myspace.com.” after the purchase read “The News Myspace Do you want to know the item that Corporation, making one of its largest bets on was at the top? A story about the the Internet, announced today that it is paying By Joshua Kurp acquisition…from the British Broadcasting $580 million in cash to acquire Intermix Media Company. Inc., a Los Angeles-based company whose I read the New York Times every chief asset is MySpace.com, a web site that is morning, and this Monday was like every other enjoying surging popularity with young audi- day-- the normal tragedies that we, as ences.” Americans, don’t care about. But when I got to If you’ve been living under a rock for the business section, one particular story stood the past decade, Rupert Murdoch is the founder out past the Iraqi election, bird flu, and rising of News Corp., which owns Fox. Almost every- fuel prices…Rupert Murdoch bought one knows that Fox News, while attempting to Myspace.com. be “fair and balanced,” it’s actually quite the If you’re completely unfamiliar with opposite. Myspace.com, it’s a free social networking They lean heavily over to the conser- internet service which enables its users to com- vative viewpoint which includes a lot of sucking municate by means of posting blogs, using an up to President Bush. Likewise, he’s in love with internal e-mail system, and posting messages them. I mean, how could you not like a network to web forums. Users can also upload and dis- that puts you into a favorable light even when play photos and other information on their own you’re wrong so often? profile. For promotional purposes, many main- To draw from a personal experience, stream music groups also have pages on the during the last Presidential Election on site (Wikipedia.com). November 2, 2004, I was interning at a newspa- After doing a little more research into per in Albany, NY and had to get in local elec- this, I found out this took place in the middle of tion races on the computer, which meant I had July. I figured I must be the only one who didn’t no access to a television. know this (I also despise Myspace.com), but Once again, the BBC has outdone the I put Foxnews.com, CNN.com, after asking around, most everyone had no media within our own country. The rest of the Yahoo.com, and a couple of other news idea. hits found on the front page were from blogs sources as favorites so I could update them You’d think it would be a big deal which also say something about Google, but constantly. While almost every website had when the man who controls what we do and that’s the not argument right now. roughly the same election results throughout don’t see on television buys a company, My next stop was to the New York the night, Foxnews.com ALWAYS had Bush Intermix, for roughly $580 million. Times, where I originally found the story which leading by a gigantic mark. Of course the first place I turned to was written as an opinion piece on October 17, Jeffrey Chester, executive director of while trying to figure this out was Google.com 2005. After putting in my subscription informa- the Center for Digital Democracy, says “Fox (interesting fact, Myspace.com gets more hits a tion, I hit a gold mine of information. Continued on Page 10...

P U R C H A S E I N D Y @ G M A I L . C O M * M I C H A E L J A C K S O N O W N S T H E R I G H T S T O T H E S O U T H C A R O L I N A S T A T E A N T H E M * sounds plain and tiresome and now needs to be Thoms (Joanne), is somewhat of a wild card to MUSIC REVIEW hidden behind many guitars and percussions in me. Her solo performance in “Seasons of Love” the background. is both uniquely different and breathtaking. No Day But Today As for the two newcomers, they are However, I’m not completely positive if I am Rent: The Motion Picture amazing additions. Rosario Dawson’s rendition feeling her as Joanne from her voice. Joanne’s of Mimi is one of the best I’ve ever heard. And I voice should be a powerful voice that can com- Soundtrack personally feel she is better than Daphne plement Maureen’s voice in “Take Me Or Leave By Tos Sasitorn R u b i n - Ve g a ’s Mimi. Rosario brings a very Me.” Yet her voice sounds very similar to Idina Menzel’s in that number. Having the original Broadway cast As for new orchestra-heavy renditions was a very wise choice for this film, as it shows of old classics, it works in some cases and not through their intense and passionate voices in others. In the opening number, “Rent,” it throughout the soundtrack. Jesse L. Martin’s works very well to get you pumped up for what (Collins) voice can still send chills down your will happen in the rest of the show. However, spine when he performs “I’ll Cover Yo u the added musical instruments for Angel’s num- (Reprise). Idina Menzel (Maureen) sounds big- ber, “Today 4 U,” takes away from the fun you ger and better than ever. Her voice has matured can hear that Angel is having as well as the fun and become a phenomenon. “Over The Moon” of the song itself. Finally, there is one new song and “Take Me or Leave Me” are wonderfully added to the end of the soundtrack and will nostalgic and new at the same time. probably run during the movie credits entitled, Unfortunately, time has not been kind “Love Heals” that is performed by the entire to the entire original cast. Anthony Rapp’s cast. The song was penned by the late (Mark) voice has gotten a bit raspier and annoy- Jonathan Larson but not included in the original ing. You can also argue that his voice has Broadway production. Sorry to say this, but I always been that way. His voice wasn’t my can see why. The song is bland, boring, and major problem in the soundtrack. My biggest earthy and mellow flair to the character in her needed not be in the soundtrack at all. issue was Adam Pascal’s (Roger) voice. Out of voice. That nature-like and hippy sound brings The Rent Motion Picture Soundtrack the entire cast, his voice is the one that has lost the listener into a more tortured Mimi. Wherein has its great high-points as well as a number of the most since the original recording ten years past interpretations of Mimi have been a wild dissapointing low-points. But regardless, it is ago. Most prominently in “One Song Glory”, you girl from the inner city. The new Mimi still has not just a simple rehashing of the original. It has can hear his voice crack at certain points in the that but with a new twist added so that you can its new jumps and kicks and it has this crazy song and you can hear an older more tired feel more relatable to her. I just want to add that and obsessed little Rent-Head even more sound in him. Where at one time his voice the new “Out Tonight” is great! The new and pumped for the movie! Attention Purchasite stunned audiences, on the new recording it most distinguishable person in the cast, Tracie Rent-Heads! November 11, 2005! Mark it down! and Whipsmart and the lyrics and music of her Musically, it is the same as all the oth- MUSIC REVIEW first self-titled album. The first track, "Leap of ers, melodic and radio-friendly, but more guitar Liz Phair Sheds Her Innocence" would have to be my favorite. driven than the last album. Other highlights Lyrically, it is the best out of the 14 songs (and include the first single, "Everything to Me", in Angst on Miracle that's really not saying much) with lines like " which Liz pleads with a man to stick by her and By Jessie LaBarbera be "that real" to her. All in all, it's typical top 40 music, Liz Phair is best known for her which isn't always a bad thing. I don't believe all provactive lyrics and feminist thinking that music has to be deep and meaningful. showed itself in its fullest on her 1993 debut Sometimes, it should just be fun, and to me this album Exile in Guyville, which was supposed to album is fun. Although probably not something be marketed as a woman's response to The Exile fans would ever like. Rolling Stones' Exile On Mainstreet. As she gets older and continues to As the years went on, her music shed her angsty, feminist skin, her music fol- became softer, prettier, and generally more lows her. She told the New York Times earlier commercial. In 2003 her self-titled CD hit the this week that since having a child, her outlook stores and fans were surprised and some even on life has changed, and so has her music. outraged. The album featured songs co-written How can one expect a woman to keep and produced by The Matrix team (best know writing the same kinds of albums she did 12 for their work with Avril Lavigne and Hillary years ago? It would be stifling and virtually Duff). It was poppy and radio friendly. In fact, impossible. Artists should, and will change, the single "Why Can't I?" reached #32 on the even if it means losing part of their fan base. Billboard charts and even appeared in various Anyone could tell you were my instrument /he No matter how far off into teeny-bop- movies and television shows. said, I understand you./ You wanna play me" per land Liz ventures, she will forever be my Phair's latest, Somebody's Miracle, sung off-key ( in her usual charming manner, of blow-job queen. seems to embody both the vocal styling of Exile course). IF YOU DON’T

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W O R K S H O P : P E R F O R M I N G W E L L U N D E R P R E S S U R E W I T H D R . D A N G R E E N E I N T H E R E C I T A L H A L L A T 7 P M O N people don’t rudely take the handicapped ing proof, the officer conducted the rest of his Gangsta Rappers spaces. While that seems to be a worthy ven- investigation with an air of skepticism. Bit of a ture, how they go about doing it is a matter of dick move, I’d say. Marino, although remaining Were Right great concern. respectful, got angry, and told the officer once By David Jacobi When Clarissa Marino, Purchase sen- again that she was not trying to cheat the sys- ior, qualified for lifetime handicapped parking tem and needed to park. The officer eventually NWA, west coast recording super- privileges, she felt she had one less thing to let her pass but not without Marino feeling like stars, and my personal favorite hip-hop artists worry about. Still dedicated to living an active she just been labeled a liar and a cheat. “He once said, “Respect the Police.” They preached life after an accident last year, Marino benefits made me think like I was stealing. I really need- tolerance and love towards the hard working ed that spot,” Marino said. men and women who put their lives on the line Marino talked to the lieutenant about to make sure our lives are safe from pirates, the matter, in the hopes that the officer could be brigands, and those no-good minorities. Fellow a little more respectful in the future involving rapper Ice-T was greatly in accord with NWA, such sensitive matters-- a reasonable request and promptly came out with his classic opus, for someone who just had to say the words, “I’m “Cop Hugger.” You know the lyrics. “Cop hug- handicapped” to another human being against ger, better you than me. Cop hugger, hug police her will. The lieutenant could not give any sol- brutality! Cop hugger, I know your family’s ace to Marino and explained that the officer in grievin’…hug-em, Cop Hugger, tonight we get question/ douchebag of the month nominee “is even.” During the 90s, West coast rappers cocky,” as if that could actually explain every- spoke very highly of the nation’s law enforce- thing. ment in their lyrics. But what if instead of living When the Purchase College meter in the hard streets of Compton, they attended maids gave me a ticket on Nov 2nd for not get- Purchase College? Now, a cop on the beat in ting my inspection in October, I thought it was Compton has a highly regarded reputation of kind of cute. When my mother came to visit me, being courteous, respectful, and tolerant got pulled over, and held by police for an hour towards all ethnicities and economic standings. and a half over a “wrong way” violation, I was But a campus cop...There’s a good chance he’s greatly from being able to park relatively close sort of upset. But to give ANYONE who actual- just a douchebag. Stay with me here, people. to where she needs to go. Last month, Marino ly needs a handicapped sticker shit just to flex I’m comin’ straight out the underground. tried to park in the handicapped spots in Alumni your muscles? Fuck you, Officer Dickhead. I When Purchase cops aren’t ticketing to move some of her belongings into her new hope you get tied to a Segway and pushed into your car for double parking and filling out police apartment. However, a certain police officer a septic tank. Your superior referred to you as reports pertaining to the apartment that got who works the Purchase beat stopped her from “cocky.” Now, cocky is a nice attribute to have if robbed while they were ticketing your car for parking. When Marino explained that she was you’re a professional wrestler or a bullfighter double parking, they are protecting Purchase going to go park in the handicapped spot, he with a winning streak, but a pretty big crutch if students in the best way they can: making sure asked for proof. No big deal there. After supply- Continued on Page 9...

ever concocted.” In that tiny, filthy kitchen, the Zeke not being legitimate to pilot an automobile Zeke Hendrix: legend of Zeke Hendrix was born unto the under the legislation of Tennessee,) the servant From the Memphis world. Seeing him load up his Cadillac with a hobbled down to the local petting zoo to pro- Buzzard-Tribune “Bar-B-Q” style air freshener one day, the King duce the poultry needed to satisfy the King and By Chester Wilcox of Rock N’ Roll asked Zeke if he would come his court. Elvis never let Zeke miss a game; for and live with him in Graceland to provide all its the King purchased enough VCR’s to record inhabitants with his famous fried chicken. Zeke, every football game that was ever broadcasted; There are many men throughout the unable to communicate by usual means, even some that only existed upon Zeke’s life of Elvis Presley who have claimed to hold blinked twice and stomped his one good foot, request, such as the Rose Bowl where the some divine inspiration to the King and all his which we can only assume meant “Sure.” Muttons beat the Penn State Lions 17-4. most famous musical works. One man, howev- Elvis made every possible accommo- In all the world, no one, save for er, holds truer to that there statement than any dation for Zeke’s arrival in Graceland. With his Pricilla Presley herself, was loved more by the other. For behind Elvis Presley, there stood a own two hands, the King built a mud hut for King than Zeke. For on his thirty-ninth birthday, small man, a skinny man, a man who was never Zeke and his three-legged dog, Bucket. which the King decreed would be celebrated caught shoplifting in possession of less than 38 Equipped with three stainless steel deep-fry every Sunday after breakfast, the King pur- dollars worth of pantyhose. This man was cookers, a two-story spice rack, and enough chased a sparkling new, pink Cadillac for Zeke named Zeke Hendrix, Elvis’ famous fried chick- fireworks for Zeke to fully experiment his and would watch as the Creole cook would en chef. Though Zeke was toothless, saw the “unique” fetishes, the humble mud hut became struggle to drive the car with his one, bum leg. world through only one eye, and had what can Elvis’ second home. The king made sure that The world came to know Zeke Hendrix as an only be categorized as a perpetual mullet, his Zeke was happy by procuring enough televi- accomplice of the king, and, in the end, proba- culinary creations inspired Elvis to live on as the sions for him to always be watching a game of bly the King’s greatest friend and muse. He was musical god he grew to be. football, the hobo’s favorite sport. It is rumored indeed the man behind the music, the appetite, Little is known about the early life of that the king even bought Zeke his own football and, on some Tuesdays, the enema bag. Zeke Hendrix, though most hobo legends point team, the Madagascar Muttons. This team of Few photographs exist of Zeke, to the King finding Zeke outside of a small 12-year-old little leaguers stole Zeke’s heart as though it is possible that he is featured on sev- Memphis carwash. Zeke was in charge of hang- he became their coach, caterer and surrogate eral secret songs written by the King. With Elvis ing the air fresheners and reloading the Coca- mother to any boy with the last name of providing the lyrics and Zeke playing back- Cola machine during the day. In the back room, “Burgess.” In return, no other man served the ground on the spoons and the banjo, the duo however, where he kept a crock pot, a single, King as loyally as Zeke. For is said that during created beautiful music that was known to bring wooden spatula, and an arrangement of Swiss- the first Super Bowl, when the King ran out of junkyard dogs and French hookers to their made dinner forks, Zeke composed what has his favorite rotisserie style and was too drunk knees in submission. It has been reported that been called by two presidents and this guy I and too stoned to leave the bathroom, (and Continued on Page 11... know named Earl as “the greatest fried chicken

M O N D A Y 1 0 / 2 4 * P U R C H A S E I N D Y @ G M A I L . C O M * I F Y O U F A R T E D F O R 6 Y E A R S A N D 9 M O N T H S E N O U G H G A S W O U L D just one example of consistent pattern for Senate minority leader Harry Reid has come The New Roberts: upholding executive authority. More out in support of Miers. She has donated and more judicial challenges are coming up money to Democrats such as Al Gore and Supreme Court against the way the Bush administration is han- Hillary Clinton. Ann Coulter and Michelle By Graham Beekman dling the war on terrorism, particularly with Malkin, among many other conservative pun- regards to the ambiguous “enemy combatant” dits, have blasted her relentlessly. No one When Bush was re-elected, one of the label he uses to indefinitely hold terrorism sus- knows her stance on much of anything. biggest concerns people had was the very like- pects without trial and outside of the grasp of Perhaps the most disturbing thing ly scenario of him being in a position to com- the Geneva Conventions. Some of the chal- about Miers is how close she is to Bush. They pletely change the make-up of the Supreme are known to be close friends and have been Court. Now, Bush has two spots on the court to for a long time. Miers has described Bush as, appoint people to. The Chief Justice spot has “the most brilliant man I have ever met.” There already been filled when John Roberts breezed The Supremes have been memos discovered between Miers through the confirmation hearings. The sec- and Bush, including a belated birthday card ond, much more controversial nomination is Miers sent to him in which she sounds like a Harriet Miers to replace O’Connor. high school girl with a crush, “You are the best When it became clear that Bush was governor ever – deserving of great respect!” going to replace two judges on the court, the Simply put, her nomination is an act of crony- first thing that popped into the minds of both lib- ism. Her closeness to Bush brings out the erals and conservatives was Roe v. Wade. question of whether or not she would truly be Would the right to abortion be threatened? The able to maintain a separation of powers and not answer is: it’s not very likely. There was never allow her friendship to influence her decisions. much possibility of any overtly pro-life justice Many are wondering if she really is getting through confirmation hearings. the moderate candidate they’ve been looking Democrats would certainly have filibustered for. Some are willing to accept cronyism as a any nominee who actively sought to overturn price for a moderate candidate. However, Roe. Roberts has stated that his Catholic faith lenges may well make their way to the Supreme James Dobson, who runs the fundamentalist would not influence his decision and when Court, and Roberts seems to hold views that Christian group Focus on the Family, h a s asked directly about his views he stated, “Roe would be consistent in upholding the Bush endorsed Miers. He stated in an interview that v. Wade is the settled law of the land…… There administrations authority and trump checks and Karl Rove assured him that Miers is universally is nothing in my personal views that would pre- balances. a fundamentalist Christian. In addition, inter- vent me from fully and faithfully applying this The second choice, Harriet Miers, is views with two judges who are close friends of precedent.” much more uncertain. For one thing, she has Miers agreed that she would vote to overturn So, if not for overturning Roe, why did never held a position as judge before and thus Roe v. Wade. It has also been revealed that in Bush nominate Roberts? Earlier this year, has no paper trail of her views. Although this is 1989, when running for a position on the Dallas Roberts was one of the judges in a case not unprecedented, a number of times in the city council, she answered “yes” to the question Hamdan v. Rumsfeld. Roberts found for the past judges have served on the Supreme Court of whether or not she would support a ban on government and stated that trying people held despite having no previous experience. Her abortion if the bill came up in the Texas legisla- for terrorism at Guantanamo by military tribunal nomination has actually drawn more criticism ture. The White House has dodged the issue, instead of public courts was legal. This case is from the right than the left. The Democrat Continued on Page 9... However, funds are being misused and occa- encourage us to publish articles and organize Want to Change sionally the Global Fund have suspended these events that showcase goals for a better future funds. Mr. Bryden advised that we must track and that create awareness by teaching and the World? where the money is being spent. He also men- spreading the truth. To help end poverty one By Kelly Cantoral tioned the World Bank, which attempts to help can also become “sweat-free.” To find out if by giving out loans but that often creates a big- you are wearing sweatshop clothing, look at the On September 10, 2005, the Youth ger problem because countries can’t pay back tag and search for the company in Google. Get Global Leader Summit took place at New York the loans and end up in millions of dollars in in contact with the company to find out more University. The purpose was to bring students debt. We must end debt because these third about who works for them and where. from around the world and inform them about world countries are only going to keep sinking Boycotting clothing lines manufactured in the issue of ending poverty. in. sweatshops, wages will raise. Fill out their David Bryden, communications direc- After the panel, there was the worksheet at www.careusa.org and send them tor for the Global AIDS Alliance, attended the Nongovernmental Organization Fair. These to your friends and families. All you need to do conference to encourage students to help organizations attempt to help world issues by is write your name, email address and zip code diminish poverty by explaining that it is as much demanding human rights, promoting fair trade, and you can make a difference. as a domestic problem as it is a foreign one, expand HIV/AIDS prevention and other issues. For more information on who was and stressing that future leaders should One organization that was present at present at Non Governmental Organization Fair demand change from Congress by the year the fair was Youth for Human Rights and what you can do to get involved, go to 2015. People think that poverty only exists in International (YHRI), which teaches kids about www.aidemocracy.org or www.mdgsummit.org. Africa but it exists everywhere. As the future’s the United National Universal Declaration of The only way to change the world is to cause leaders we must apply political pressure to Human Rights. Their music video, UNITED is a political pressure. Congress and demand for change he said. He production that informs youth about their basic mentioned the G8 summit, which is where the human rights. The YHRI advises people on eight richest countries in the world meet to dis- their rights and how to practice them. (For SUBMIT cuss possible actions, but what they need to do more information about YHRI, go to is make fast and effective changes. www.youthforhumanrights.org.) ARTICLES, COMICS, Mr. Bryden also spoke of the Global Another organization that present at AND NUDE PHOTOS Fund, an organization that helps third world the panel was the Millennium Campaign. Their countries establish programs for development. goal is to cut poverty in half by 2015. They P U R C H A S E I N D Y @ G M A I L . C O M

B E P R O D U C E D T O C R E A T E T H E E N E R G Y O F T H E A T O M I C B O M B * P U R C H A S E I N D Y @ G M A I L . C O M * N E X T F R I D A Y T H E “So tell me again about this new MoreCard plan Mr... Stan, was it?” By Josh Rubino

ARIES (MAR.21-APR19) It’s high time to banish all CAPRICORN (DEC 22- the obscurities blurring your JAN 19) This week will sight of the big picture. teach you to be grateful for Seriously, now. the things you already have making eyes at you. tractions in the form of mis- by taking away something TAURUS (APR20-MAY 2 0 ) guiding signs. You have you’ve always taken for While you may feel the LEO (JUL23–AUG 22) As a two options: tear down the granted. On the upside, this need to be entertaining lion, Leos like yourself are suckers or listen to them. experience will increase the amidst your public, the often misconstrued as mer- All depends on where value of all your other effort may strain you quite a ciless carnivorous beasts you’re heading… belongings. bit, Taurus. Why not try who make the lady lions do going smaller scale: juggle all the hunting. The vulgari- SCORPIO (OCT 2 3 - N O V AQUARIUS (JAN 20-FEB Snapples at the Hub or pick ty of such masochism inter- 21) Instead of glasses half- 18) For a sleep-deprived a fight with a dozen raw twined within the beauty of full or half-empty, do away week, things may appear eggs. the circle of life is some- with hackneyed philoso- not as they are but altered thing that you must appre- phies and get yourself a by the half-dream state that GEMINI (MAY 21-JUN21) ciate and differentiate this smaller cup. This is a perti- you are likely to be in. You have the means for week. nent resemblance for all C o ffe e can help. Unless modest progress. theoretical queries that you you’re a writer, in which Unfortunately there are VIRGO (AUG 23-SEP 22) will encounter this week. case embrace the also several factors hinder- Among the injustices in the insomniatic inspiration. ing your spectacular break- world, there is no greater S A G I T TARIUS (NOV 22- through. Stock up on glitter than (s)he who is left in the DEC 21) You possess PISCES (FEB 19-MAR 20) paste now. dust by some other bas- many talents, some that The phrase “organized t a r d ’s good luck.. Give even you are not aware of. chaos” is definitive of the CANCER (JUN22–JUL22) yourself a leg up for this H o w e v e r, your skills will coming week for you, The silver limerick graphi- w e e k ’s coming obstacles soon be called upon by a Pisces. Don’t let it over- tized on the first stall of the and invest in a cape. stranger—who knows, whelm your regular routine; g i r l s ’ restroom at the could be rich guy, could be instead, incorporate the Student Center is words to LIBRA (SEP 23-OCT 22) a murderer. Start boning up wieldy tendencies into live your life by this week. As you navigate through on your survival skills this something creative. Bring a Keep that in mind when the the week, you may find dis- week. camera. cutie across the mall is

2 8 T H I S T H E L A S T D A Y T O W I T H D R A W F R O M C L A S S E S * H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y A N D R E W K U H L ! * A P I G O R G A S M L A S T S “Lady Panthers” from Front Page... be educated by professors why is it that the stu- dents are being misinformed? After all, our pro- fessors should be the few individuals we can rely on for accurate information. Unfortunately this is not the case. The mislead student said her professor used the example during a psy- chology class while discussing stereotypes. It leads us to question, what else are we inadver- tently being lied to about? Students here at Purchase our subject to the opinions, mistakes, and misinformation supplied by faculty and it is disconcerting that we may have to filter through everything we are taught for the truth. However, there is the possibility that the mislead student may have in fact misheard (though she insists this is unlikely). T h e women’s sports teams were referred to as the ‘Lady Panthers” for quite sometime, and the professor could have supplied the example “Campbell” from Front Page... best held at the Performing Arts Center at meaning in the past. Purchase, which has already played host to Too many times have students with Renee Zellweger and more one member of the film community this semes- become enraged about an issue they are not fighting to the messy death with latex-clad ter, Silence of the Lambs director Jonathan fully educated on. With rumors circulating, con- ghouls. Demme—the first in a series which includes stant miscommunication, and just plain igno- One benefit such a career in low- Spike Lee, Robert Altman and Ken Burns. rance it’s difficult not to receive wrong informa- budget horror renders, however, is a volume’s “Those are great artists,” Heffler said, tion. A good example: that claim that Starbucks worth of gory, on-the-set stories to tell—and “but Bruce Campbell is certainly worthy of per- was coming to Purchase. We are intelligent, nobody tells them better than Bruce Campbell. forming in the same space as Spike Lee or independent students and should not play into It was with all this in mind that Jesse Robert Altman.” rumors or angry rants unless we are fully sure of H e ff l e r, general program coordinator at Stein was enthusiastic about the what we’re talking about. It would result in far Purchase College and long-time Campbell novel prospect of collaborating with the center, less conflicts and confusion. It never hurts to be enthusiast, got the notion last summer of invit- a popular addition to Purchase College. fully aware of the facts before you bring up an ing Campbell, “in all his Karo-syruped and “I would love to see the Student issue, even if you heard it from a professor (as ‘boom-stick’ bludgeoning glory,” as he put it, to Government working with the Performing Arts displayed in this case). tell those tales to the college community. Center on their programming,” said Stein. Our women athletes are proud of their “Back in August, I saw on his website Stein and Heffler spoke with PAC teams, many of which are doing better than [www.bruce-campbell.com] that he was doing a director Chris Beach who, according to Heffler, some of the men’s teams. The W o m e n tour promoting his new novel, Make Love the said he “always wanted to collaborate with stu- Panthers are focused, determined, and sexism Bruce Campbell Way,” Heffler said. “I thought it dents.” free. would be a great idea to try and get him to “Jesse and I spoke with Chris Beach,” speak on campus.” said Stein, “and the space is available.” And so a quest began. Heffler got in At the moment, the possibility of touch with Bill Fargo, Campbell’s agent, who Campbell gracing Purchase with his blood- informed him Purchase was “in luck,” Campbell soaked presence is promising, but by no means wanted to do a Northeast college tour in the ensured. Even with the cost spread around, the spring of 2006. financial risk is not entirely extinguished. An inspirational start, but if the “ We’re more than prepared if the Campbell-guest-starred Hercules: The event isn’t successful,” said Heffler, “but I want- Legendary Journeys taught us anything, it’s ed student feedback to see what the campus that no quest, however righteous, is without community thinks.” obstacles: Campbell, Fargo informed Heffler, With this in mind, and to see the would not be altogether cheap. money would be well spent, Heffler sent a cam- “With such a high price, I knew it pus-wide survey to students via e-mail, asking would be difficult,” Heffler said. them questions like “If Bruce Campbell came to As general program coordinator, Purchase, would you see him talk?” and “Do Heffler’s budget wasn’t quite enough to bring you think Bruce Campbell is cool?” THIS WEEK IN Bruce Campbell, or his stories, to Purchase, Responses have come back, but WOMEN’S SPORTS: and it seemed as if the star of Bubba Ho-Tep Heffler is hungry for further opinions on the would pass Purchase by like a momentary prospect of Campbell calling Purchase home— Saturday at Noon: summer breeze blowing in the…uh…breeze. if only for one night. Women's Tennis vs. St. Joseph's Determined, Heffler brought the mat- Campbell fans are a rare breed: small Saturday at 7:20 PM ter before president Jeff Stein of the Purchase but loyal. Not all have had the life-changing Student Government Association, who was experience of watching him chop off his own Women's Vollyball vs. Old Westbury intrigued by the idea and, along with other possessed hand, in Evil Dead II, and fasten the Sunday at 1:00 PM members of the PSGA, agreed to consider stump with a chainsaw (a modification he Women's Tennis vs. St. Mary's College using surplus funds to help Heffler obtain the describes as “groovy”), but those that have Holy Grail that is Xena: Warrior Princess’ Bruce immediately pledged their allegiance to the Monday at 3:30 PM Campbell. Man. Heffler wants to know if Purchase can Women's Soccer vs. Farmingdale State, The event, Heffler thought, might be handle the Campbell experience.

T H I R T Y M I N U T E S * P U R C H A S E I N D Y @ G M A I L . C O M * H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y S T E V E S A J D A K ! * B A T M A N B E G I N S H I T S D V D The Molly No Show 8-9 pm P.S.G.A. Live Film Time w/ Ray 8-9 pm 9-10 pm P.C. Times Happy Dog 7-8 pm 10-11 pm (Starting 9-24) Understanding Purchase 10-10:30 pm Contrary to Popular The Johnny Giovanni Show Variety Hour Opinion 11 pm-12 am 8:30-9:30 am 10-11 pm The Blast The Film Fourm The Chet Wilmont Power Hour Bad Idea 12-1 am 11 pm-12 am 12-1 am 11 pm-12 am

www.purchasetv.org “Police” from Page 5... drug sniffing dog, your rights do not go away. “Supreme Court” from Page 6... your job entails “protecting and Continue to say no. Ask if you are being held stating that Miers does not believe in mixing her serving the public.” Most students don’t enjoy or charged, and if not, if you can leave. Just religious belief with the law and that she views the cops on campus already. Having a glorified because the Patriot Act is in effect doesn’t position of judge and the position of officeholder to security guard who acts like he’s fucking Bill mean your rights against illegal search and be very different. However, this contradicts Bush’s O’Reilly mixed with Scarface isn’t going to seizure go away. This also works if you’re statement that one of the reasons he nominated help matters. I’m dying to know what kind of stopped walking down the street. This works Miers is due to her strong religious faith. So person could park in a handicapped spot even better if you aren’t an asshole and don’t although Roberts is most likely not a threat to Roe, without getting the third-degree from the have these illegal items on you in public. Miers may well be. campus cops. People with Downs Syndrome -Always get the officers name. Hopefully, more of Miers views will come to don’t really go to college, and they sure as Always. Trust me light during the Senate confirmation hearing. At the shit don’t drive cars. Handicapped spaces at -Be respectful, but firm. They might moment she is far to ambiguous as to what she Purchase are mainly used by…get this…col- not all be assholes, but you need to worry believes in and the fact is, there are much more lege students with physical handicap. It’s about self advocating for yourself. qualified female candidates to fill the spot. hard to look at Marino or most people in her -The less on-campus crime, the In addition, interviews with two judges who situation and think that they have a physical better chance we have to reduce the police are close friends of Miers agreed that she would handicap. So, Officer Douchebag, your best presence. vote to overturn Roe v. Wade. It has also been bet is to just take the high road, and take their -Stop being an asshole. If you need revealed that in 1989, when running for a position on word for it. Also…next time you’re having to get drunk, keep the party indoors. And the Dallas city council, she answered “yes” to the trouble trying to figure out who’s really handi- “because it doesn’t hurt at all” isn’t a good question of whether or not she would support a ban capped, do yourself a favor and sit up a little enough excuse to punch the windows at the on abortion if the bill came up in the Texas legisla- higher in your car seat, and look in the rear Hub. Don’t be that guy. Nobody likes that guy. ture. The White House has dodged the issue, stat- view. -Lock your apartment doors ALL ing that Miers does not believe in mixing her reli- Instead of going on these giant, THE TIME. Stop being such a hippie, and gious belief with the law and that she views the posi- hateful diatribes, I’ve decided to become take some steps to make sure your shit isn’t tion of judge and the position of officeholder to be more thoughtful, and educate along with evis- stolen every time you get high off of a very different. However, this contradicts Bush’s cerate. Lucky for you, I’m about to drop some whipped cream can and pass out in the bath- statement that one of the reasons he nominated science, and perhaps some knowledge on all room. Miers is due to her strong religious faith. So of your respective asses. That’s all I got in me for now. Anger although Roberts is most likely not a threat to Roe, -If you get pulled over, never admit makes me tired. Read more Miers may well be. to anything. Always ask why you were pulled Independent…it’s getting to be good for you. Hopefully, more of Miers views will come to over. This saves you from being incriminated, Tune in next time, when I’ll be writing a hard light during the senate confirmation hearing. At the and losing your rights. hitting article about my own personal dinner moment she is far to ambiguous as to what she -If you have anything in your car recipes, which are both cheap and awesome. believes in and the fact is, there are much more that could get you arrested (pot, crack, child Just like Singaporean hookers. qualified female candidates to fill the spot. porn,) respectfully decline when he asks to search the car. If he threatens to bring in a

S H E L V E S O C T 1 8 T H - A R E Y O U R E A D Y F O R F A L L B A L L ? W E D O N ’ T T H I N K Y O U A R E - N E X T W E E K I N T H E I N D Y - “Myspace” from Page 3... Murdoch knows the number of sub- News Channel is a 24/7 commercial for the scribers to Myspace.com (32 million), and You Know What conservatives and the Republican Party.” some are on the website for hours at a time. The misdoings of Murdoch and the That means they have to look at the advertise- Really Grinds My whole Fox News empire came into the national ment every so often. Gears? light with the help of the movie OutFoxed: Either they’ll completely ignore the ad Rupert Murdoch’s War on Journalism, released or they’ll become curious and begin to check By Danielle Gangi in 2004. out the product. Let’s say for instance Murdoch The real stars of the movie are the wanted to boost the ratings for Fox News, so people who used to work for Fox News, about what better place to do that then the website how they were forced by the network to push that he owns? their right-wing views, or else they would be As teenagers, we love things that fired on the spot. move, games or just flashy things alone (For all Another example was when the son three, can we say those damn Orbitz ads with of a victim of the World Trade Center tragedy the chance to play mini golf?), so when an went onto The O’Reilly Factor, and O’Reilly was advertisement has those, a lot of people click tearing him a new one about one of his liberal on them. ways. Normally, the guests on the show buckle The link would then send us to Fox under the pressure but not this guy. He held News and that’s how it all begins: many, many strong with his ideas. more one sided conservatives. As most of you know, there is a special After realizing he wasn’t going to be For the record, I hate Democrats time in everyone's life when they realize a new able to win, O’Reilly began to yell and eventu- almost as much as I hate Republicans, so while path for themselves-- something that makes ally pulled his guest’s microphone. my story is pure bias, it’s also based on fact. All their brain click on and say, "you know that is a Basically, Murdoch is the leader of a the stats were taken from reputable websites really good idea." Well, I had the privilege a few company that hates to think liberally which and none of it made up. weeks ago to experience that very thing. During might make you think-- why would they buy a My prophecy for the future of a viewing of the new 'Family Guy' movie, there website which seems to focus on underground Myspace.com is just a pawn in the game of life. was a moment during this movie when Peter music, love, and well, have a certain emo feel With the country leaning towards a future full of Griffin is in a video store and goes on a rant that to it? Let’s also not forget the people who love Fox News and things of that nature, every so begins with porn and ends with the phrase: "You to create fictional people just to mess around often we need to do something about it. know, that really grinds my gears." with others. Obviously, I’m not going to say leave Inspired by Peter, I have decided to Those types of feelings aren’t normal- Myspace.com, but instead I’ll say that we give this campus it's very own version of what ly associated with a conservative mind (how should be more aware of the news surrounding 'grinds my gears'. many Republican emo kids do you know?), so it. Is it just me? Or has this world just for- why would he buy it? It’s a shame that while this story got gotten how to use basic manners? I'll admit, I'm According to Mr. Murdoch, he bought buried, the news of Britney and Kevin having not the nicest person to ever grace the face of it because Myspace is “sticky, fun, and poised their baby was basically front page material. this earth, but I still take the time to say “please” to be profitable.” It’s a recurring theme in a society that and “thank you”. That's how I was raised. Last I First of all, “sticky?” You’re an doesn’t care so much about the fact that we’re checked, it was common courtesy to have good Australian billionaire; I don’t think you should in the midst of a war, and tragedy is occurring manners. I’ve about had it with people in this be using the word “sticky” anymore. all throughout the world. Bird flu and global society--especially those from the city. City peo- Secondly, the key word in his state- warming alone should be enough to pull out ple are just beyond rude--I should know, I am ment is “profitable.” your hair but frankly, that’s not what we’re one. I mean, is it really going to kill you to say The 18-34 age group is the most prof- doing. “please” and “thank you” and “excuse me” from itable one, and Mr. Murdoch sure knows it. As My last advice is to pay attention to time to time? It hasn't killed me yet. I'd be more much as we all hate him, along with ol’ George the actual news, not Fox News, and also to not inclined to want to step out of the way if a per- from the New York Yankees, they’re both click on any shady advertisements on son smiled and gracefully said “excuse me” geniuses. They have a lot of money and use it Myspace.com. while stepping off of the train. I'm from New York wisely. City, so I really have come to expect people to be rude. But frankly, what bothers me more then people without manners are the people without manners who expect ME to have man- ners. One morning while riding the train, a s k a - l l o w e e n woman with an umbrella stepped on and closed her very wet umbrella next to me. Of course, her drenched umbrella (after she shakes the shit out STARRING of it) showered me and my new, handmade scarf with a mass of rain water. I then shoot the Joe Ferry & The Big Ska Band woman a very irritated glance, and get in return not an “I'm sorry,” not even a second thought -- nothing. It amazes me. People are obnoxious, and I will never understand why people actually Yoruba cut in lines, shove others out of their way, and shake off their umbrellas without even consider- The Tweedlers ing the other person in the room. Of course, you know, that woman would have been the first to get up and clobber me with her handbag if we Monday 0ctober 31st at the Student Center switched roles. I swear, it really grinds my gears!

T H E C A M P U S E N E R G Y D I S A S T E R A N D W H A T Y O U C A N D O T O F I X I T - S T E V I E W O N D E R E X P L O D E S O N H I S N E W ”Zeke” From Page 5... Presley and Hendrix concluded with the bitter world was never meant to solve. But whether they have given surprise concerts under vari- martini of betrayal, spiked with the vodka of he really was a man or a mere fabrication of ous fake names throughout the Southwest and despair, and decorated with the little paper local hobos, Zeke Hendrix remains a legend of some smaller towns in Idaho. umbrella of shame. One rumor has it that it was Rock ‘N’ Roll. God bless you, Zeke. The relationship of Elvis and Zeke Zeke who fed Elvis his last meal on the toilet was much more than servant and glutton; it was just as the King overdosed. Another rumor Chester Wilcox dropped out of Memphis Kung-Fu a complex friendship that can only be described points to the idea of the King drinking and eat- Academy; he received his GED from General Robert E. Lee High School. Besides being a feature colum - as a love for the ability and talent of the other ing himself to death after finding his treasured nist for the Buzzard-Tribune he contributes to such man. Elvis never belittled or bothered his hum- Zeke in bed with Colonel Parker and Bucket. publications Barn Yard Sex Digest, Fat World, the ble servant but went out of his way to help Overcome with rage and hurt, it is believed that Fast Food Journal and most regularly to the Knoxville Zeke. According to some legends, upon the this betrayal sent Elvis to his grave. Sperm Center. death of Zeke’s mother, Brunhilda, Elvis refu- Though their relationship ended with eled his private jet and flew to the desolate bay- hard feelings, the King did not forget his servant Karl Custer is in the dramatic writing conservatory at ous of Louisiana to perform an unforgettable in his will. For it is said to be written under a SUNY Purchase and has contributed to the Bucks recording of “I Go to the Garden Alone,” proving large, greasy stain, that upon Elvis’ death, Zeke County Courier. that, when in need, Zeke could always rely on was to be buried with him in humble unity. Was Matthew Caputo also attends SUNY Purchase and is the King. there really a Zeke Hedrix? Was Elvis Presley’s a contributing writer at Boxing Digest. He has also However, as with all love stories of the sole reason to be found in a bucket of fried written for Streets Mos’, The Greenpoint Star, stars, the beautiful relationship between chicken? There are some mysteries that the BoxingTalk.net and CrusherMagazine.com.

N A M E : Sir Burns alot cro uniform AGE: Infinity years BIGGEST TURN-OFF: f a t GENDER: D r a g o n g u y s MAJOR: B u r n i n g WILD FA C T: I can lick LOOKING FOR: F e m a l e whipped cream out of my D r a g o n own... dish I N T E R E S T S : baseball, stamp and all that cool stufff BIGGEST TURN-ON: l o l- BIGGEST TURN-ON: a s s C O N TACT INFO: 1 - 8 0 0 - collecting, and eating gnomes BIGGEST TURN-ON: r e d l i p o p s BIGGEST TURN-OFF: l o u d X X X - C H AT BIGGEST TURN-ON: f i r e h a i r BIGGEST TURN-OFF: m y g i r l s BIGGEST TURN-OFF: w a t e r BIGGEST TURN-OFF: r a p w i f e WILD FA C T: i have a sense N A M E : Graham Cracker WILD FA C T: Once I burnt 12 WILD FA C T: Elephantitis of WILD FA C T: I married some- of humor AGE: 2 1 gnomes in one sitting the genitals one to sleep with her daug- C O N TACT INFO: n o n e GENDER: M a l e C O N TACT INFO: d r a g o n- C O N TACT INFO: (631) 741- g h t e r MAJOR: Political Science m a n 2 7 @ v e r y h o t m a i l . c o m 2652/ Jeremy NyKolis (AIM) C O N TACT INFO: n / a N A M E : Amanda Miller LOOKING FOR: Teh ladies A G E :1 9 (preferably hot asian ones with N A M E : Luna MacEnwell N A M E : Z i m N A M E : Vi v i GENDER: F e m a l e boyfriends with psychological AGE: 2 0 AGE: 7 6 AGE: 5 3 MAJOR: D a n c e d i s o r d e r s ) GENDER: F e m a l e GENDER: I n v a d e r GENDER: m a l e LOOKING FOR: male 6’ t o I N T E R E S T S : Pollitics, playing MAJOR: Womens Studies MAJOR: Invading/ Wo m e n s MAJOR: h o b o 6’5, thuggy, but presentable strip online poker, the south LOOKING FOR: Hot male or S t u d i e s LOOKING FOR: g o d o t I N T E R E S T S : art, regge BIGGEST TURN-ON: a n f e m a l e LOOKING FOR: I N T E R E S T S : BIGGEST TURN-ON: n i c e awesome rack, drunk girls I N T E R E S T S : I like to ski Unsuspecting planet complaining,optimism, exis- e y e s BIGGEST TURN-OFF: c o p s n a k e d I N T E R E S T S : Robots, lasers, t e n t i a l i s m BIGGEST TURN-OFF: b a d WILD FA C T: I once killed a BIGGEST TURN-ON: s n o w d e a t h BIGGEST TURN-ON: l i t t l e manners/ cockiness man BIGGEST TURN-OFF: BIGGEST TURN-ON: b o y s WILD FA C T: n o n e C O N TACT INFO: see Riker’s F r e e l o a d i n g d e s t r u c t i o n BIGGEST TURN-OFF: l i t t t l e C O N TACT INFO: Island prisoner directory WILD FA C T: I like to ski BIGGEST TURN-OFF: F i l t h y boys who lie a m a n d a . m i l l e r @ p u r c h a s e . e d u n a k e d h u m a n s WILD FA C T: I’m fictitious N A M E : J e r e m y C O N TACT INFO: WILD FA C T: I am the most C O N TACT INFO: Pour some NAME: Mark Schroeder A G E :6 l u n a l o v e s c h e e s e @ g m a i l . c o m amazing thing you’ve ever whiskey-- I’ll come a runnin A G E : 1 9 GENDER: male robot seen !!! GENDER: M a l e MAJOR: e c o n o m i c s N A M E : Erin Gleeson C O N TACT INFO: a l l y o u r- N A M E : L o l i t a MAJOR: Creative Wr i t i n g LOOKING FOR: female robot AGE: 2 1 b a s e a r e b e l o n g t o z i m @ y a h o o . AGE: 1 2 LOOKING FOR: a boy I N T E R E S T S : s p e l u n k i n g , GENDER: female, but these c o m GENDER: f e m a l e I N T E R E S T S : Hot black strip- scuba diving, photography guys in the Bronx thought I MAJOR: n o n e pers, the bible as literature, BIGGEST TURN-ON: a was “motherfucking Harry N A M E : F l u ff y LOOKING FOR: a t t e n t i o n , writing fantasy senese of humor P o t t e r ” AGE: 8 father figures BIGGEST TURN-ON: t a s s l e BIGGEST TURN-OFF: t a k i n g MAJOR: F i l m GENDER: m a l e I N T E R E S T S : sucking on lol- w h i p s things too fast LOOKING FOR: Someone to MAJOR: I’m a dog, I don’t lipops, sunbathing, flirting BIGGEST TURN-OFF: v a g i- WILD FA C T: once I drank so watch MST3K haveone silly! BIGGEST TURN-ON: o l d e r na and other icky girl parts much milk it discharged out I N T E R E S T S : M S T 3 K LOOKING FOR: Wi l d a b e a s t m e n WILD FA C T: I can bust a my oral intake!! BIGGEST TURN-ON: p u p- I N T E R E S T S : playing chess BIGGEST TURN-OFF: c u r- mean move C O N TACT INFO: j e r e m y t h e r- p t e s BIGGEST TURN-ON: l e g fews and monogamous rela- C O N TACT INFO: AIM: silet- o b o t @ m a c . c o m BIGGEST TURN-OFF: h u m p i n g t i o n s h i p s f a i t h e H u m a n s BIGGEST TURN-OFF: d r i n k- WILD FA C T: There is nothing WILD FA C T: I made a pup- ing from the toilet wild about me, my daddy says N A M E : Angel Powers pet version of my dad WILD FA C T: my spots will I am perfect just the way I am A G E :2 2 C O N TACT INFO: e r i n . g l e e- make you hot C O N TACT INFO: n o n e GENDER: F e m a l e s o n @ p u r c h a s e . e d u C O N TACT INFO: n / a MAJOR: Media, Societyand Submit your N A M E : Curtis Mayflower Sexual Positions personal today and N A M E : Nick Candreva N A M E : Humbert Humbert AGE: 2 1 LOOKING FOR: A man who AGE: 1 8 AGE: 4 0 GENDER: M doesn’t mind a career in exhi- get some action GENDER: m a l e GENDER: M a l e MAJOR: n / a bitionism MAJOR: f i l m MAJOR: Wr i t i n g LOOKING FOR: any girl with I N T E R E S T S : Plumbing, pizza LOOKING FOR: n y m p h e t t e s 3 holes d e l i v e r y, pool cleaning LOOKING FOR: some fun P u r c h a s e i n d y @ g m a i l . c o m I N T E R E S T S : m o v i e s , g a m e s I N T E R E S T S : p l a y g r o u n d s I N T E R E S T S : a s s BIGGEST TURN-ON: a vel-

A L B U M , I N S T O R E S N O W - P U R C H A S E I N D Y @ G M A I L . C O M - H A L L O W E E N I S A L M O S T H E R E , Y A Y F O R C A N D Y C O R N ! I n d Teh e pP u rec h ans e d e n t

The Propagandist says: My Dick feels like corn... Corner of Lust If you're going to make a parody Show me the butter baby! Arthur for Dreaming Staff! of my cartoon, please do me the He hates the game as much as we courtesy of being funny. Justin still has a fat ass. do! "Underpants arms, you will Erica does not run the D a m n , M r s . D a s h . . . always be my wifey." Independent anymore. Stop Y O U S M E L L G O O D ! spreading filthy lies about us. p . s . c h e e r t h e f u c k u p

INTRODUCING: THE INDY m i m m y , International y o u a r e . Hello, My name is Wayne and I Student m i d g i e discovered today that I LIKE Association You are not 1337 MEN. Yes, I’m gay! Any takers? Mondays CCN room 0007 YOUR FOURTH GENERATION iPOD TOTALLY “If I was Jesus I wouldn’t have to deal with WISHES IT WAS MY FIFTH GEERATION iPOD these puddles.” COME! FUCK THE POLICE Mudbutt: "I want to F him in the A Kick the rain and clean the dirt out for your shoelaces. (201)????! and C on his chin." 20 bucks says you're wrong! Yea Yea Peopl e at Pur chase l iste n t o Submit to B AD MUSIC [email protected] Purchase has dirty pipes... wheres a douche when you need it? Do hippies melt in the rain? S p oo nin g le a d s to f or kin g With love, Ariel and Chris H e r b ! H e r b ! W h o w a n t s H e r b ? Hey idiots, eggs My wall is percipitating. aren't vegan! “He’s cooking a pot roast! Are you retarded? Clap your tits. Like a pot roast you’ve never seen before!!” Freinds don’t let friends suck dick Steve, why do you wear shades for E pills in the daytime and glasses at Time to de-funk-ify your ferret night? Do you know the muffin man? who do i call to fix the hole in the sky, cuz i can’t Fuck that. Have you seen the take it any longer, and god won’t return my damn crack monkey? W here da e as ymac at yo? call... “I can’t get him b/c I’m not SEXY! I just Happy B-Day Jess, you can buy ciggs now! MOO -Jessyha wanna be SEXY, damn it1” so now i come to you, H e y d i d y o u u s e a What the hell am I doing, that’s a with open arms mattress you’re molesting. c o n d o m w h e n y o u nothing to hide, believe what i say f u c k e d m y b o y f r i e n d ? Stop leaving food around... so here i am, with open arms Purchase Needs A lot of Drains IT ATTRACTS THE SKUNKS!!! hoping you'll see, what your love means to me, open arms You fucking SLORE! I Love Cressie Mae! I hate the rain when i’m outside (shorty w/ a booty!) You didn’t use any of my quotes!!! Emo is R&B for white people: all of the damn you!!! grrrrr....! I hate my roommate- she’s so damn clean whining and none of the soul. “Hey Dad, guess what? “I LOVE AMBUSH MAKEOVER! RARH!” It’s Hauer, not Nauer, bitches I saw Jesus today.” It’s like they watched a scary porn < 3 “WHAT?!?!” movie. At the end the phone rang and they said, “you will lose yur I think you could get laid if you tried. You “Yeah, he’s in my media class.” virginity in seven days.” have so many unique traits. Like a vagina. Your impersonations are pathetic. What in the name of JARED LETO? Moot You! -The Real Jeff Stein